Category Archives: functions I shouldn’t be allowed to attend

This isn’t a real post

This isn’t a real post.  Just checking in to say a few things that I have on my list of things to write about but that I haven’t written about because I haven’t had time to make into a polished post because I’ve been working on my next book (FINALLY MY BRAIN IS ALMOST WORKING AGAIN) but if I wait any longer I won’t write it at all and I’ll forget it…so, here is my mind dump of a few things you should know.

  1.  Are you listening to the INVISIBILIA podcast on NPR?  You should be.  I just discovered it a few months ago and I’ve been pouring through them and the one I listened to yesterday (The Problem with the Solution) totally gut-punched me.  But in a good way.  Just…ow.
  2. Y’all, it’s not out yet but Samantha Irby’s new book is so good it made me vomit.  Like, I want to smother her and take credit for writing it but then everyone would be like, “Wait.  You’re a black orphan with Crohn’s disease?  WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?”  But the book doesn’t come out until forever and I’m gonna forget to tell you about it when it does come out because I’m the worst so just remind me to tell you again when it’s available for preorder.  Or read her last book again while you’re waiting.  But then writing that reminded me of the book I read last year that was SO good and I wanted to tell everyone about it but it still had a billion months until publication so instead I just called my friends and read aloud from it while simultaneously aghast and giggling hysterically and I just went to check and it comes out this month so go order that shit right now because it was one of the best things I read this year.  It’s called UNMENTIONABLE: The Victorian Lady’s Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners.  It’s super gross and fascinating.  Like Mary Roach’s Stiff, but funnier.
  3. Speaking of books, I am a constant reader and I was thinking it would be cool if we had a bookclub, but I’m too lazy for that so what if I just put the name of the book I’m currently reading on a blog post each week and then in the comments you can discuss?  Except I pretty much only read nonfiction, sci-fi, fairy tales and graphic novels so it would be a very, very limiting bookclub.  Not sure about this one.  Just a thought I keep having.
  4. You know those metal kits I’ve been making for years when my anxiety gets high because working with the tiny pieces keeps me from picking away at myself?  (If not, read 1000 ferris wheels here.) I just finished a new one.  It took two hours to make it because it was 30+ tiny pieces but THE DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE.  WHAT.



  5. Hunter S. Tomcat is sitting in the chair next to me and he has this enormous grin of contentment and I thought, I should share this, but then I realized I haven’t cleaned the cat fur off the seat cushion in 3 days so it looks filthy, but whatever.  A little bit of filth should not stand in the way of happiness.  In fact, a little bit of filth is sometimes the only road to happiness.  But that’s another story.
  6. He looks like he's wearing a tiny little white g-string.

    He looks like he’s wearing a too-small, tiny white g-string.

  7. Dorothy Barker decided she wanted in on this.  This is my dog when I say “bacon”.


    It’s not even real bacon. It’s fake dog bacon and it taste like sadness and giving up.  It smells like bacon though, which is why I tried it.  I thought I found a cheap bacon alternative that would help me keep my coat shiny but no, the bacon is a lie.  A beautiful one though, according to this dog.

  8. I use a lot of affiliate links in my posts but the money I get if you order stuff just goes back to the community when we do Booksgiving or Christmas miracles and stuff.  Just FYI in case you’re new to the tribe.
  9. I’m in Cincinnati this weekend signing books and stuff.  Come see me.  It’s free.
  10. There is no number 10 but I like to end on a round number.  Hugs.  ~ me

If it’s Tuesday this must be Milwaukee.

Hello, Milwaukee!  I’m here and it’s the last stop of the second leg of my tour so let’s do this shit!  I’ll be at Boswell Book Company at 6:30pm.  Come?


Next stop?  Home for Halloween.  Then?  Minneapolis.

See the whole tour here.

If it’s Sunday this must be Chicago.

Hello, Chicago!  I’m here to see you but there isn’t enough room at the bookstore so we’re doing this at a church.  For real.  4pm at the Ebenezer Lutheran Church, 5 minutes from the bookstore.  And now you can tell everyone that you can’t do whatever it was you were supposed to do because it’s Sunday and you have to go to church.

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Next stop?  Hell!  Wait, no…Milwaukee first!

For the whole Furiously Happy tour, click here.

If it’s Friday this must be Ohio.

1. Holy shit, you guys.  Just found out that Furiously Happy is on the NYT bestseller list for the fourth week in a row.  AAAAAHHHH!  I’m blaming you for this (in a good way) because people keep coming to book signings and saying they only just discovered it because a stranger on the subway was laughing so hard at it they peed and/or cried and/or lost their liquids in some other fascinating way.  You are better than a billboard made of chocolate bacon and I love you.


2.  Hello, Dayton!  I’m here.  Are you here?  Let’s be here together.

I’ll be at Books&Co at 7pm.  Come?  Please?

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Next stop?  Chicago!

For the whole Furiously Happy tour, click here.

If it’s Tuesday this must be Toronto.

Hello, Canada!  I’ve traveled across your snowy gloriousness to reach you.  And by “your snowy gloriousness” I mean “customs”.   Come see me, Toronto?

I’ll be at the Indigo Bay and Bloor at 7pm.


Next stop?  Ohio!

See the whole Furiously Happy tour here.

PS.  I’ll be on CTV Canada AM today because Canada has not yet learned that I should never be allowed on live TV.  I’ll try not to talk about my lady garden this time.  Sorry about that one, CNN.  (Not sorry though about the time I went off about the zombie apocalypse and prepping for when the internet becomes self-aware when you brought me on to talk about politics.  I don’t want to blame the victim, but you knew what you were getting into, CNN.  That one’s on you.)

Updated:  Here’s the interview if you wanna see it.  I rambled like hell because that’s what I do when I’m nervous.  BUT! The nervous tics I had on the last tour aren’t there.  Baby steps.

If it’s Saturday this must be Boston.

Hello, Boston!  I am in you.  The reading is sold out (holy crap, y’all) but you can still come for the signing and standing room is available outside where they’ll be playing the audio of the reading.  Come?

Thank you again for all your amazing support.  Thank you for being there.  I just found out that Furiously Happy is on the NYT bestseller list for the 3rd week in a row and that’s because of you guys.  So many people show up at these readings having heard of the book from y’all and are almost as grateful about finding this strange and amazing community as I am.


Next stop? Toronto!

Click here for the rest of the tour.

PS.  Hailey and Victor are flying in for the weekend because I can’t do two full weeks without seeing them.  Anything we shouldn’t miss in Boston?

If it’s Thursday this must be New York.

Hello, New York City!  I’m gonna be at Union Square Barnes & Noble at 6:00 tonight.  Come see me?


Next stop?  Boston.

See the whole Furiously Happy tour here.

PS. Some bookstores require you buy the book from them for  a guaranteed spot at the reading and all that jazz if they think there will be too many people otherwise.  This is one of those so just bring a receipt from a B&N or you can buy one at the store and give it to someone else, or just sneak in the back when no one is looking, or if you can’t do that (and I totally get it) I’ll stay late and sign anything you want for free even if you don’t have a book.  Even babies and kittens and prescription bottles.  If we get kicked out I’ll sign in the parking lot or a nearby bar or whatever is outside the store.

If it’s Monday this must be DC.

Hello, DC!  I’m here to see you.  Will you come see me?  I’ll be doing a reading and book signing at Politics & Prose at 7pm.  

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Photo by Justin Hackworth

Next stop? New York City.  Yeehaw.

See the whole Furiously Happy tour here.

Thank you. Again.

I just went to Target and I was looking to see if they had my book and I found this:


I don’t know who did this but I could not stop giggling and now I can’t go back to Target because they think I’m insane.  More insane than usual.

PS. I just found out that Furiously Happy is #3 on the NYT bestseller list again (!) this week and I cannot thank you enough.  So many people have contacted me to say they saw a friend quoting from it on twitter and Facebook and then decided to check it out and suddenly realized how unalone they are.  Thank you.  I don’t have the right words to say what it is that you’ve done for me.  For all of us.  Just…thanks.

PPS.  Tomorrow I leave again for leg two of the Furiously Happy tour.  Two and a half weeks on the road, but I’ve built in lots of downtime and Victor and Hailey are coming for a bit to keep me from getting too homesick.  Will you come see me?


Click here for details.

If it’s Saturday this must be Florida.

Hello, Florida!  Today I’m at Books &Books in Coral Gables, Florida at 7pm.  Come see me?  Pretty please?  Space is limited for the event so you may want to buy a book from the store to have a guaranteed spot for the reading, but I’ll stay later and sign anything you want for free even if you don’t have a book at all.

This is my last stop on the first leg of the tour and I love you all for your support! It’s been exhausting and wonderful and terrifying and brilliant all at once. But it’s the final stop for a week, which is good because I miss my couch and everyone who snuggles with me on it.  So let’s make this awesome, Miami, because I am leaving it all on the stage.  And by “it” I mean my dirty laundry, probably some empty bottles and what’s left of my dignity.


See here for the rest of the tour.  Pretend I said something witty here, okay?