Category Archives: I am totally overrated

If it’s Saturday this must be Florida.

Hello, Florida!  Today I’m at Books &Books in Coral Gables, Florida at 7pm.  Come see me?  Pretty please?  Space is limited for the event so you may want to buy a book from the store to have a guaranteed spot for the reading, but I’ll stay later and sign anything you want for free even if you don’t have a book at all.

This is my last stop on the first leg of the tour and I love you all for your support! It’s been exhausting and wonderful and terrifying and brilliant all at once. But it’s the final stop for a week, which is good because I miss my couch and everyone who snuggles with me on it.  So let’s make this awesome, Miami, because I am leaving it all on the stage.  And by “it” I mean my dirty laundry, probably some empty bottles and what’s left of my dignity.


See here for the rest of the tour.  Pretend I said something witty here, okay?



I got an email from editor saying “HAPPY PUB DAY!” and I was like, there’s a special day just for going to pubs?  My God, we released my book on exactly the right day, but then I realized “pub” was short for “published” and OMG ::KERMIT FLAIL:: Y’ALL, MY BOOK IS OUT TODAY.  Did you get it?  Did you read it?  Are you now running away because you realize I’m even crazier than I may have let on?

I stayed up late watching lovely people who were counting down the minutes until midnight when my book would show up on their reader and it seems surreal that after years of working on this it’s finally in your hands.  Thank you for making me write this.  Thank you for supporting me and passing on my work to others and for sharing and for helping me when I find myself stuck.  Thank you.

And tonight?  We party as if we all had ponies.  Tonight is our launch and instead of doing tv shows and fancy parties I’m staying home and broadcasting live from my house as I do a reading and a Q&A for you guys and I’m nervous as hell but also very excited because over 1000 of you have already RSVPed and that’s about 998 more people I’ve ever had at my house in real life.  To watch it just click here at 7pm central tonight.  You don’t have to have a camera or an account…just computer that can pick up a video feed.  With luck it’ll go well and not crash, but if it crashes just follow me on twitter and we’ll regroup.  You can chat in the hangout, I think, but it’ll probably be easier if you do it on twitter using the hashtag #FH so everyone can follow along.  Or just lurk.  Or come late and watch the recorded video and pretend it’s live.  Or skip it and go spelunking.  Whatever makes you (furiously) happy.

PS.  I just checked and my book is #3 on Amazon in biographies right now.  Yeehaw!  Number one is Mindy Kaling who is too adorable for me to stab so I can take her place, but number two is “Bill O’Reilly Killing Reagan“.  WTF?  I already didn’t like O’Reilly and now he’s killing Reagan and beating me in rankings?  This is why we can’t have nice things.

PPS.  Last night we did a test to see if I could make google hangouts work and I super fucked it up at first but then we got our shit together and giant thank yous go out to the hundreds of people who showed up to tell me what I was doing wrong and also to see my beaver.  If you want to see what you missed it’s recorded right here and if you click on “cc” for subtitles it becomes even more ridiculous.

See you at 7?  Yes?  Right here.



It’s like a lemonade stand, but not at all.

My 10-year-old daughter got a “fashion sketchbook” last Christmas and she uses it to draw obscure t-shirt designs and astronaut suits and clothes for cats.  She showed me one design that seemed particularly confusing.

She’d started with the phrase “I PUNCH LIKE A GIRL” because she thought it was empowering (plus also anyone questioning her would get punched) so the t-shirt was both a girl-power mantra and also a legal disclaimer, but she’d messed up the “G” because “cursive is hard” and it looked like a “B” so she decided to just change it to “I PUNCH LIKE A BEAR”.

Which is awesome.  For girls and guys.  So she designed the shirt (with a little help from me) and is now selling it in my shop because that’s what kids do today instead of lemonade stands.  I assume.

punch like a bear



And now, the weekly wrap-up…


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jennifer Ammoscato, author of the novel Dear Internet: It’s Me, Avery. When newspaper reporter Avery Fowler discovers her husband is having an affair, the online help site is naturally where she turns to navigate this challenging stage of her life. Its live chat option gives her a virtual life coach (Clementine, a snippy, British chippy) for the low, low price of $14.95 a month. A perfect book for anyone who’s been screwed over. Or had a bad hair day. Or tried haemorrhoid cream under their eyes to hide the bags because they read online it might help. You can check it out here.

Well that’s…huh.

Did you know that if you search for “giant dildo” on Amazon my first book is the 4th thing that shows up?  Not that I was searching for giant dildos.  I mean, I was but only because someone else told me that if you search for “giant dildo” my book pops right up (Her: “It’s awesome that your work is so versatile and all, but I’m a little concerned about paper cuts”) and I thought she was fucking with me, but then I checked myself and she was totally right.

This is real.

This is real.

And what’s even more baffling here is that no dildos showed up at all.  Way to frustrate your customers, Amazon.  There were some “party beads” that showed up at the end of the first page, which is weird because what kind of party are you having?

I mean, not that I’m judging you.  After all, I just unsuccessfully looked for giant dildos and ended up finding myself.  Jesus.  That sounds even worse when I write it out.

But in my defense, I also looked up my upcoming book and Amazon said it was the #1 new release in “Medical Psychology Pathologies”, which is nice because now when I go to dinner parties with strangers and they’re like, “Oh, I’m familiar with your work.  I found it while looking for giant dildos” I can say, “I’m not sure what you’re referring to.  I’m the #1 Medical Psychology Pathologies author in America.  Good luck hunting for your giant dildo though.”

Honestly this seems just as odd as the prior photo.

Honestly this seems just as odd as the prior photo.

PS.  You can look all this up on Amazon to confirm it but you will get a shitload of inappropriate google ads based on your search history and then later when you go to show your grandmother some kittens on Facebook your computer will be like “HEY!  DID YOU FIND THAT GIANT DILDO YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?  CHECK THESE OUT!”  Just an FYI, y’all.  ‘Cause I care.


And now, the weekly wrap-up…


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • As requested, #WheresRory shirts to confuse everyone around you.


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you once again by Kathleen Flinn’s Burnt Toast Makes You Sing Good, a memoir with recipes said to be “hilarious” by Redbook and “poignant” by Kirkus Reviews and “cheaper, now that it’s in paperback” by the author. The book was a finalist in the IACP Cookbook Awards, Goodreads Choice Awards, the Northwest Book Awards and was named a 2015 Michigan Notable Book. To celebrate the paperback, Kathleen is doing a full month of giveaways that include kitchen stuff such as a full-on canning setup, a fancy Wusthof knife and a whole bunch of jars of blueberry jam that she claims to be making herself. You should go check it out (and enter the contest) here.


Look what just came in the mail, you guys!

The real, final copy of my book.





It feels so real and heavy and substantial and holy crap, y’all, after years of work and doubt it’s actually done.  Well, not done done because the book tour starts in four weeks, but still.  And I heard Victor in the other room leafing through it and laughing out loud.  And that man doesn’t laugh out loud.  Best review ever.

PS.  You’re in this book.  Be prepared.  (It’s all good though.)

PPS. Did you sign up for your free, autographed bookplate?  Because they’re going fast.  And I’m giving away a copy on that same post so leave a comment?

PPPS.  Thank you.  I would never have finished this without your support.  I hope to God you like it.

Will a signed copy of my book one day be worth one million dollars? Almost probably.

So, I was asked to sign some collector copies of FURIOUSLY HAPPY for people who wanted a signed book but didn’t want to go to a signing and I said I’d do it, but then I got a draft of the signing page and it said something like, “This limited, signed, 1st edition has been specially bound” and it felt like it was missing something, so I scrawled “IN HUMAN SKIN” on the bottom and sent it back.  Then a month later I got to sign the actual books:


I fucking love my job.

Lots of indie bookstores will have collector signed copies available so if you want one just check this list for your local store and then call or email to pre-order:

AL: Alabama Booksmith, Homewood * Capitol Book & News CO, Montgomery * Little Professor Book Center, Homewood
AZ: Antigone Books, Tucson  * Changing Hands Bookstore, Tempe * University Of Arizona Bookstore, Tucson
CA: Vroman’s Bookstore, Pasadena * A Great Good Place, Oakland * Alexander Book CO, San Francisco * Book Seller, Grass Valley * Book Shop West Portal, San Francisco * Books Inc, San Francisco * Bookshop Santa Cruz, Santa Cruz Chaucers Books, Santa Barbara * Copperfield’s Books, Sebastopol * Gallery Bookshop, Mendocino * Green Apple Books, San Francisco * Haight Booksmith, San Francisco * Kepler’s 2020, Menlo Park * Readers’ Books, Sonoma * Skylight Books, Los Angeles * Warwicks, La Jolla
CO: Book Shop of Fort Collins, Fort Collins * Bookies, Denver * Bookworm of Edwards , Edwards  * Boulder Bookstore * Tattered Cover Book Store, Denver
DC: Kramerbooks & Afterwords, Washington
DE: Browseabout Shop Inc, Rehoboth Beach
FL: Bookstore 1 Sarasota * Classic Bookshop, Palm Beach * Inkwood Books, Tampa * BookMark, Neptune Beach  * Vero Beach Book Center, Vero Beach
GA: A Cappella Books, Atlanta * Avid Bookshop, Athens * E Shaver Fine Books, Savannah * Eagle Eye Bookshop, Decatur * G J Ford Bookshop & Café, St Simons Island * Little Shop of Stories, Decatur
IA: Prairie Lights-Bookstore, Iowa City * Iowa Book, Iowa City
IL: Anderson’s Bookshop, Naperville * Book Cellar, Chicago *
Book Stall of Winnetka, Winnetka * Book Table, Oak Park *
City Lit Books, Chicago * Unabridged Bookstore, Chicago
KS: Raven Book Store, Lawrence
KY: Carmichael’s Bookstore, Louisville * Coffeetree Books, Morehead
The Morris Bookshop, Lexington
LA: Garden District Bookshop, New Orleans * Maple Street Bookshop, New Orleans * Octavia Books, New Orleans
MA: Odyssey Bookshop Inc, South Hadley
ME: Maine Coast Bookshop, Damariscotta * Sherman’s Books & Stationery, Boothbay Harbor
MI: Bookbug, Kalamazoo * Between the Covers, Harbor Springs * Forever Books, Saint Joseph * Horizon Books, Traverse City * Literati, Ann Arbor *
Mclean & Eakin Booksellers, Petoskey * Schuler Books & Music, Grand Rapids
MN: Magers & Quinn Booksellers, Minneapolis * Common Good Books, Saint Paul * University Minnesota Bookstore, Minneapolis
MO: Subterranean Books, Saint LouisThe Novel Neighbor, Saint Louis
MS: Fountain Books GreenwoodLe Muria Books, Jackson * Square Books, Oxford
NC: Quail Ridge Books & Music, Raleigh * Park Road Books, Charlotte Flyleaf Books, Chapel Hill * Malaprop’s Bookstore, Ashville * Regulator Bookshop, Durham
NH: Country Bookseller, Wolfeboro * Gibson’s Bookstore, Concord 
NJ: Word Bookstore, Jersey City
NM: Bookworks, Albuquerque * Collected Works Bookstore, Santa Fe
NY: Book Revue, HuntingtonWord Bookstore, Brooklyn * Oblong Books & Music, MillertonOpen Door Bookstore, SchenectadyPower House Arena, Brooklyn * The Golden Notebook, WoodstockStrand Bookstore, New York * The Northshire Bookstore
OH: Book Loft, Columbus * Joseph Beth, CincinnatiThe Bookshelf, CincinnatiBooksellers on Fountain Square, CincinnatiBooksellers at Austin Landing, Miamisburg * Jay & Mary’s Book Center, TroyLearned Owl, Hudson
OR: V J Books, Tualatin
PA: Penguin Bookshop, SewickleyTowne Book Center and Cafe, Collegeville
RI: Books on the Square, Providence
SC: Hub City Bookshop, Spartanburg
TN: Union Ave Books, Knoxville * Booksellers at Laurelwood, Memphis
TX: Brazos Bookstore, Houston *
UT: The King’s English Bookshop, Salt Lake CityDolly’s Bookstore, Park City
VA: One More Page, Arlington
VT: Everyone’s Books, Brattleboro   * Phoenix Books, Essex * Yankee Bookshop, Woodstock
WA: The Elliott Bay Book Company, SeattleVillage Books, Bellingham
WI: Books and Company, Oconomowoc
CAN: Raincoast Books, Richmond, BC

And you can preorder it online at Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, or if you’re in Canada, you can get it at Indigo.

And you may be saying to yourself, “But what if I already preordered?  Why am I being punished for being helpful and supportive?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US, JENNY?” and I would say, first of all, stop yelling because you’re going to get us all fired.  And secondly? I’ve got your back, Little Ninja, because if you preordered and can’t make it to a book signing then just click right here to fill in your address and you will get (for free!) a signed bookplate that you can stick inside your book.  Last time my bookplates had Hamlet Von Schnitzel on them and that’s hard to top, but these have illustrations of the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo on them and they are better than tacos:


You might be saying to yourself, “What is the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo?  Is this supposed to make sense to me?  STOP GIVING ME REFERENCES I DON’T YET GET, YOU WHORE” and I would say, “Calm your tits, y’all.  Calm all of your beautiful tits. Are you hungry right now?  Because you’re not yourself.  Go eat some cheesecake.  And then go listen to the sample of my audiobook where you can hear a tiny snippet of what the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo is all about.  You’ll have to get the book to find out how I actually lost both of my arms and if I ever got them back though.  That’s a teaser, btw.  Not a very good one if you’ve seen pictures of me with arms lately, but still.”

Here’s a picture of me signing hundreds of bookplates in spite of the fact that Hunter S. Thomcat insisted they were tiny pillows he needed to lay on while I was signing them.

Hunter: “Why are you writing on my pillows?  What are you even doing?”


FYI: A few of bookplates have weird marks from when the cats would grab at my pen while I was signing (because my cats are assholes who don’t understand professionalism) but whenever that happened I tried to make up for it by turning the errant squiggle into a small drawing of a dog’s face or curly fries, or a lower intestine.  Sorry.  I had to work with what they gave me.

So go preorder and then get your bookplate and then leave me a comment because I’ve heard a rumor I’ll be getting real copies of the book any day now and I’d love to give a few away as a small thank you for your incredible support.

Honestly, this book would never have happened without you.

So if people don’t like it, I’m blaming you.

Let me be frank.

This week I spoke at frank in Florida and it was lovely.  Click here to see the glorious magnificence of my hotel room.  I highly recommend checking out all of the speeches but if you have 30 minutes and want to see mine you can check it out here.  You have to fast-forward to the end to see it.  It’s at the 1 hour 14 minute mark.

PS. I corrected Matt who credited @crappytaxidermy but it actually was @craptaxidermy so ignore me.  And I’m sure I fucked up other stuff too.  The usual.

poorprofessor higgins

PPS.  Unrelated, but this dress debate is killing me.  You’ve seen this, right?


I saw this CLEARLY WHITE AND GOLD dress this morning and everyone else I know is saying it’s clearly black and blue so I ask Victor and he said it was black and blue as well and that’s when I decided this was a big practical joke on me.  You win.  Lot of trouble to go through to make me think I’m losing my mind, y’all.

PPS.  WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK.  I just looked at it again and now it’s black and blue and I can’t understand how I ever thought it was gold and white.  What sort of wizardry is this?

My grandparents would be very proud. Maybe.

You guys.  My book has now been translated into Czech, which is awesome because my dad’s parents are Czech and if they were still alive I think they would be very proud.  Or they’d change their names and pretend they were Bolivian.

I never know what the covers are going to look like so it’s always a surprise.  This one is a particular favorite because I’m pretty sure they dressed up a live mouse in a Shakespearean costume, and also because it literally has the word “fuck” scrawled right on the front cover.  That’s not something I did myself.  The cover is intentionally vandalized.  And that is awesome.


I think it translates to “Fuck.  This is true?”  Which?  Fair enough, I guess.

Apparently it’s getting good reviews, although I can’t read them because I don’t speak Czech.  But I did do a translation of one of them and this paragraph was pretty explanatory:

“When the snake looks like a rattlesnake and still has before him an armed to the teeth mother, it’s the same as if you were in front of the cop and pulled out a fake gun. In both cases you are expecting nothing but death. Texas is a state where they once banned sodomy and oral sex, but calmly here in the name of passion hunting is tolerated when guys smell like skunks.”

So, yeah.  NAILED IT.

PS. This could never have happened without your amazing support so as a small token of thanks I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book in whatever language you want.  Or an autographed copy of someone else’s book.  Or a banana.  You want me to sign a banana?  ‘Cause I can do that.  You need a cake?  Whatever you want really.  Just tell me what you want in the comments and I’ll randomly pick someone to send an autographed hamster or whatever it is you need.


UPDATED:  Okay, I’m sending signed weird things to several of you but the actual winner is Karen Martin, who made me cry a little with her comment:

One of my last favorite fabulous days with my mother was sitting on the beach raeding your book right when it came out. I was laughing so hard at everything and mom asked what was so funny? So I started reading aloud the part I was reading at that moment and mom grabbed the book out of my hands and proceeded to read the entire book! She loved it and once I got it back, so did I! Mom suffered from six strokes shortly thereafter and held on for almost a year after. I was blessed with the gift of caring for her during that time and would read your book to her wvwn though she couldn’t outwardly respond. I know she was laughing inside though. In her memory, I would love a book signed to her, Claudette, so I can always see a visual of the love we shared and all the laughter! You rock, Jenny, and you rocked my mom’s world, too!

Thank you so much for sharing that, Karen.  Check your email.


In twitter, much like life, there is no rhyme or reason

I’ve never noticed it before, but apparently now you can look at your Twitter Activity Dashboard to see which of your tweets are actually being seen.  I could already guess which of mine would be the highest ranked this year because I can see which ones get retweeted or favorited, but I thought I’d check to see if I was right.

According to twitter analytics, in the last 28 days I’ve had a few million impressions (Impressions = # of times people saw tweets).  That seems like a lot but I’ve written a ton, adopted a new member of the family, captured a possible ghost phantom on camera, joined Instagram, and live-tweeted an unexpected visit to a ghost-town where we were escorted by a bossy emu and several llamas.

I expected that my highest ranked tweet would be the ones I wrote during a particularly terrible night, because they were retweeted and favorited the most:

“90% of the people I know right now are falling apart physically or mentally this week. Be kind. To others and yourself.”

“You’ll get through this. I promise.”

Surprisingly, the actual tweet which blew everything else out of the water (according the analytics) was apparently much more important….

enchilda on plane

Conclusion:  Twitter is just as baffling as Facebook now.  Also, enchiladas are more dangerous than expected.  And now I’m hungry for enchiladas.  Thanks, twitter.

PS.  Seriously, does anyone understand the actual algorithms for Facebook and twitter regarding which updates actually get seen?  Why do I never see some of my friends updates but see others constantly?  Why do I see things on my timeline days after they’ve been shared?  Is it witchcraft?  Because it feels like witchcraft.

UPDATED: As soon as ASU gets back to me I’ll be available for consultations and endorsements. And it will be awesome.

I’m not sure how it happened (I suspect voodoo) but I was somehow magnamed the Distinguished Alumna of 2014 by Angelo State University, my hometown college.  (ASU Magazine clipping at right to prove I’m not just drunk right now.)

It was very flattering but equally baffling, and I spent the weekend pretending to be “distinguished” and hoping that people wouldn’t realize that I am entirely overrated.

I was given my award at a banquet where everyone else being recognized had a legitimate reason for being honored and they were all insanely awesome, professional, and unintentionally intimidating, and I suspected that none of them had ever dug up a corpse or been attacked by their pet turkeys.

It was fancier than my wedding, and there was a live marching band to play us to our seats.

I can't play an instrument but I think I'd be a good band leader because I look good in capes.

Do all marching bands have capes, or is this one especially bad-ass?

I requested “Tusk“, but I don’t think they heard me, or possibly they’re just too young to know who Fleetwood Mac is.

My extended family all turned out, so I had to come up with a suitable speech that I could give in front of my daughter and my granny, so I wrote my speech on my phone while Victor drove us to San Angelo.  Here it is:

“I am so glad to be here tonight to accept my honorary doctorate degree. I never thought this would happen. Until I was driving here, that is, and thought, “I bet if I accept an honorary doctorate at this event they kind of have to give me one. That’s just polite.”

It doesn’t haven’t have to be crazy official. You don’t even have to spell “doctor” correctly, and I will vow to never perform surgery on people without first telling them that I’m an honorary Doctor of Journalism, but that I’m really excited about seeing if I can find their appendix.

This might seem ridiculous but I heard some other college gave Ellen Degeneres an honorary doctorate and my husband was like, “Well, is ASU up to those kinds of standards?” And I said, “Oh, ASU is way better than that crappy college” and I think you could prove me right tonight by making me whatever it is that’s one step above doctor.  I don’t know what that is.  Super-Doctor, maybe?   Major Doctor?  I don’t know.  I’ll leave it up to the board.  You guys are the experts.

I’d like to thank my parents and grandparents for bribing me to go to college with the promise that I’d get whatever money was left in my college fund after I graduated.

If I’d had college math at the time I probably would have realized that there wouldn’t be any money left and that I’d have to rely on grants and scholarships and work to carry me through, but in the end it was worth it. Because 17 years later I stand here before you:  A proud ASU graduate…

A Super-Doctor, at last.”

You can't tell, but that's me at the podium.  Trust me.  I'm a doctor.

You can’t tell, but that’s me at the podium. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

I was supposed to be in the Homecoming Parade but I said I’d only do it if I could ride on the float with Dominic (our live Ram mascot).  I was told that was impossible, probably because they assumed I’d steal him, and they were right because LOOK AT HIS FACE:

He looks like he'd be fun to drink with.

He’s like if Matthew McConaughey was a sheep.

I refused to ride in the parade unless I was given an equal or better sheep but they weren’t going for it, so I was like, “What if I bring my own sheep?” and they didn’t say no, so I just dressed my kid up as a ram and smuggled her into the bed of the pick-up.  Hailey had never been in a parade before either but you never would have known it and honestly she sort of out-Dominiced Dominic because she had the sweeping, majestic horns and furry coat, and she could throw plastic footballs to kids watching the parade because she has thumbs.  Additionally, she didn’t shit everywhere and that is a big plus as far as I’m concerned.

(Hailey is the one on the right.)

(Hailey’s the one on the right.)

Then I went to the ASU homecoming game because I was told I needed to walk onto the field at half-time to be “recognized” and that sounded a bit awkward, but then when I got there I realized I was supposed to follow the royal homecoming court onto the field.  And let me tell you, if you ever find yourself walking slowly, here-comes-the-bride-style, onto a football field toward a packed stadium of people (and one live sheep) while a marching band plays “You Can Tell Everybody This Is Your Song” and an honor guard makes a bridge of swords for you to walk under, just remember that it could be more awkward.  You could be doing all of that while wearing a sweatshirt and pajama jeans as you follow the thinnest and prettiest girls on campus, who are all wearing strapless ball gowns and glittery jewelry, and one of them just got a tiara and that’s when thought to myself, I suspect a team of unicorns will be by to whisk them away, while a pack of dirty dogs carries me off because that’s the only thing that could make this any more glaringly unbalanced.

It's like turning up for a wedding wearing overalls and then you remember that you're a bridesmaid."

It’s like turning up for a wedding, but you’re wearing overalls for some reason and then you remember that you’re a bridesmaid.

I’m reading all of this and it sounds like it was ridiculously ludicrous, and it was.

But it was also…really lovely.

I kept waiting for someone to realize that they’d made a terrible mistake, but they never did, and I remembered that one of the reasons I’d chosen ASU in the first place was the fact that people there are accepting of anyone…even the girl who never joined a sorority or club, or went to frat parties or football games, or ended up in a single photograph during her time there.  I wish I could have told the terrified college me who hid in libraries and tiptoed through halls that one day I’d go to my first homecoming.  And that that very same weekend I’d aggressively accept a doctorate degree, and ride in a parade with a small, beaming child dressed as a sheep, and walk in the footsteps of (small-town college) royalty while a marching band played Elton John as I limboed under pointy sabers.  Then again, I probably wouldn’t even have believed me.  Honestly, who the hell would?

PS.  Dear ASU Alumni Board/President/King/Vicar:  I went ahead and made this myself because I know you’re very busy.  I’m not sure if it’s totally accurate but it felt right.  Could you forward it to whoever needs to sign it?

my degree

Please rush if possible. My first patient is ready for surgery but his family is giving me static and I think the certificate will help reassure them.  Also, can I get a discount on bulk ether now?   It’s important.  These cat’s tonsils aren’t going to remove themselves.

PPS.  Seriously, thank you ASU, for being a wonderful college for even the dangerously social awkward.  I just saw the video you sent out this morning and it reminded me again that there’s a place for everyone.  Thanks for being my place:

100% of all Super-Doctors approve of this message.  (See?!  Think of the endorsement opportunities alone, ASU.)

Now please hurry up with that certificate so I can start stabbing people legally for a change.

UPDATED (10/15/14):

This morning when I was getting Hailey ready for school I vaguely remembered that I might have sent an email to the President of ASU at 1 o’clock in the morning when my insomnia makes me even more unstable than normal. And apparently I did:

“To: Dr. Brian May

Just a quick thank you for the fabulous and unexpected honor of being named the Distinguished Alumna of the year. This weekend was really amazing and I can’t tell you what it meant to be recognized in the town where I always thought I was invisible at best.

I wrote a quick post about it I thought you might like. Or might hate. Hard to tell.

Ps. I’m just kidding about being given a “super-doctor” degree. But only if by “just kidding” you mean “ridiculously serious and dedicated to making this happen.” The last time I was this focused I was made an official Czar of Texas (true story) and ended up using this power to increase awareness of the awesomeness of Texas and also to overthrow the Government. (But just for one night and the Government was very nice about it because they recognized my valuable political contributions, and also because they didn’t entirely take me seriously since {according to my proclamation} I report to the stray cat that lives at city hall.)

It’s very late so this email might not make much sense but I thought I should mail it off before Tulane reads my post and offers me a Super-Doctorate and things get all awkward.


My husband, Victor, read my email and suggested that thing had already gotten awkward, but my faith in the weird was redeemed moments letter when a response came back from Dr. May, which read simply:

“Super Doctorate is in the mail!!!!”

It’s possibly he’s humoring me, in a “the-check-is-in-the-mail” sort of way, but if I really am getting my Super Doctorate I’m stoked because as a Super-Doctor I would always outrank everyone in the room and so no one would question me when I mispronounced words, or let myself into the lemur house at the zoo. Victor argued that I would actually rank below “Subway Sandwich Artist” because “Super-Doctor” doesn’t really exist. And he might be right, but I countered that”Super-Doctor” doesn’t really exist YET, and that with my Super-Doctorate I will be setting a record for having both the highest and lowest ranking degree to ever come out of ASU, and that’s pretty darn impressive.

Also, if I become a Super-Doctor I can diagnosis everyone as needed. Like if you’re having a terrible day you’d be able to say, “Oh, this? My doctor prescribed this portable margarita machine to help me get through these horrific business meetings. It’s medicinal, I assure you. Please carry on.” Or “I need to take a nap because apparently I’m suffering from ‘An Overabundance of Bad-Assness’ and my doctor says naps are the only thing to keep it from growing to dangerous proportions that might overload my body and make everyone feel terribly inferior to me. Basically I’m taking this medically necessary nap for you, so please keep it down.”


I’ll keep you posted.