That is the sound of a hamster being squeezed too tightly by a three-year-old.  It is also the sound I’m making after finding out that your tremendous support of the paperback version of my book (which came out last week) is now #5 on the NYT paperback list.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing community behind me who is willing to buy a book all over again just so they can read the bonus chapter.  Also, I have lots of great tour stories to tell you when the tour is finally over (Come see me?) but for now let me just say that the greatest part about touring is watching nervous people creep in alone but leave as groups of new friends.  I am so lucky to be a part of your bizarre tribe.

Picture of a few awesome people from last week's book tour. They smelled like cupcakes and magnificence.

And to thank you a tiny bit for all of  your bad-assness I’m giving away five autographed copies of the new book this week.  And if you already have one you can just sell it on eBay, or use it as a coaster, or give it to your newest friend to test how easily offended they are.  Just leave a comment and I’ll pick people before I leave again for the next leg of the tour.

PS.  For real.  Thank you.  We did this together.

Victor:  Ugh.  I’m having a shitty day.

me:  What’s wrong?  Release your burdle unto me.

Victor:  Um…my what?

me: Your burdle.  it’s short for “bundle of burdens”.

Victor: That’s not a real word.

me: It is.  I just used it.

Victor: Just because you say it doesn’t mean that it’s a real word.

me:  Actually, it does.  That’s where new words come from.  I’m like the stork of new words.

Victor:  Well if it’s short for “bundle of burdens” wouldn’t that be “bundens”?

me:  Bundens?  Don’t be ridiculous.  ”Bundens” is not a real word.  

Victor: You make my head hurt.

me: You’re my husband.  It’s the heavy burdle you have to bear.

*************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Flip Your Cats.  From the makers: “Flip the Cats is simple to learn, challenging and fun; you trap and capture your opponent’s cats by placing yours around them. Place your cats on either side of your opponent’s to flip it to your colour… but on their turn, your opponent can do the same to you.  FLIP YOUR CATS TO VICTORY.”

It was weird.  And awesome.

At first I thought the title translated to “What’s With The Night War, Stinky?” but according to people on twitter it’s more like “Is This Actually Happening, Or What?”  Which makes slightly more sense, but I kind of like my interpretation better. Also, Hamlet Von Schnitzel is now a Dracula for some reason, and I thought my cat was checking out the German magazine article about me, but apparently he just wanted to hide his face because he’d rather not be associated with this whole debacle.  Fair enough.

Also, I asked Victor what “Psycho” translated to in English and turns out it just means “Psycho”.  So I guess there wasn’t a lot lost in translation after all.  And now we can all speak a word of German, so technically I think this means that my blog is now considered educational.  And world-renowned.  And a little psycho.

Just as it should be.

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

You can't tell but I'm holding my pinkie out here. Because I'M CLASSY.

It’s a single-serving wine.  But it’s in a pudding cup with a foil top because apparently screw tops are too classy now.  I got it for 99 cents at the gas station.  All of this is true.

Also, it’s not quite as good as Boone’s Fine Apple Wine, but I still like it because it’s very tiny and I can sneak it into movies and meetings with the principal.  It’s also nice because “Copa” is Italian for “cope” and that’s what wine is for.  I’m not sure if that last one is true, but if I was saying “cope” in Italian that’s how I would say it.

**********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by MORANTHOLOGY (On Sale Nov. 6), a hilarious, insightful collection of Moran’s London Times columns that confirms her status as
“the UK’s answer to Tina Fey, Chelsea Handler, and Lena Dunham all rolled
into one” (Marie Claire).  Also, “she is a total bad-ass” (me).

Plus, the cover is technically a shade of grey. BONUS, y'all.

PS. I’ve decided that in order to get my next book banned I’m going to entitle it This Library is BULLSHIT.  

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

Let's get a little closer...

 

Grey book at the top left.

My day = MADE.

 

In Memoirs ~ Author of the No. 1 New York Times bestseller Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) and thebloggess.com, Jenny Lawson’s FURIOUSLY HAPPY, about life’s highs and lows and the absurdities in between, again to Amy Einhorn and Amy Einhorn Books, for publication in Spring 2014, by Neeti Madan at Sterling Lord Literistic.

Translation:  Book two has begun.  Terrified.  Excited.  At a loss for words.  Which is probably a very bad thing for an writer, now that I think about it.

Fuck.

PS.  Thank you.  There’s a reason why LPTNH is still on the NYT list, and that reason is you.  Everyday I get emails from people who have just now discovered this amazing, hysterical, bizarre online community and who finally realize how very not alone they are in their awkward weirdness.  You’re helping people find their tribe and I’m so incredibly lucky to be part of that.

You are the very best kind of weird and I can’t thank you enough for sharing it.

Suggestions for what you might want if you bought my book:

FINALLY, THEY GET ME.

In related book news I did the last #BloggessBookClub session last night and finished off by doing a live reading.  Want to see it?  (Skip to the 7 minute mark if you want to just hear the reading.)

**********

And on a much less commercial note, this week’s wrap-up.

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

• SHUT UP ABOUT THE SWEATERS.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Coinbag that will keep people from stealing from you.
• Stickers for when that doesn’t work
• Lawsbian Pride

What you missed on the internets:

One good thing that did come out of last night is that a ton of people met other people just like them (yay!) and also a discussion was started amongst readers about what to call each other (like how Doctor Who fans are Whovians) and they settled on Lawsbians, which is kind of awesome.  And, of course, there is a t-shirt.

In the end I think we discovered that there aren’t many places that we can’t crash so we’re trying a new one tonight (at 7pm central). It’s called twit cam and all you have to do is log onto twitter and click on the link I give you at 7p, and then you can leave comments on the side (using twitter) and ask questions and I can talk to you via webcam.  I’ve heard it’s very resilient.  I give it 20 minutes before we crash the whole system.

So if you want to look at last night’s chat (it’s a bit of a chaotic, overwhelming mess – but in the best way possible) you can click here.  If you want to meet up with other Lawsbians (or come up with a better name for us) you can click here to share your twitter handle, blog info.  If you want to leave a question for tonight you can do that in the comments section here and I’ll start with you.  Please leave questions or else I’ll just be weirdly talking to myself.  Or maybe I’ll do a live reading.  Or maybe I’ll panic and flash the camera.  GOD ONLY KNOWS, PEOPLE.

As a reminder, tonight we focus on the book through chapter 7 (Draw Me a Fucking Dog) but there are no real rules because none of us could be expected to follow them.

As always, you guys rock.

Thank you.  Seriously.

You might also notice that on the cover they put Nathan Fillion, possibly naked and being circled by man-eating sharks.

I can only imagine that they did this as a shout out to me and I must take this opportunity to say “Thank you, Parade Magazine.  You were only missing the twine.”  Click here if you’re confused by this whole last sentence.

In even more bizarre news, CNN brought me on live television again this morning, in spite of the fact that the last time they had me on I ended up saying the word “lady-garden” and then started talking about the zombie apocalypse seemingly out of nowhere.

This morning however I was on much better behavior and managed to only say “a-hole”, “mile-high club” and focused on the need for stupid people to have their own airline so I wouldn’t have to travel with them anymore.  It was awesome and once again I got cut off before I could even mention my book.

Worth it.

PS. I felt a little bad for hijacking their whole story but now I see that it was actually “Jenny Larson” that was on CNN.  They really should have know better.  That woman is a trouble maker.

I’m feeling much better and the depression cleared away just in time for several doctors to encourage me to be tested for multiple sclerosis, which would be my third autoimmune disease and thus would complete my trifecta of your-body-wants-you-dead disorders.  Apparently though there isn’t a cure for it so I plan on just ignoring it and assuming I already have it, much like the polio, mumps and testicular cancer that Web MD assures me I have.  In other words, nothing more to worry about than usual.  Plus, MS apparently causes brain disturbances (which explains a lot) so whenever Victor accuses me of zoning out and not listening to him I just say “I HAVE MS, YOU ASSHOLE” and then I win whatever we were talking about.  Or possibly Victor angrily reminds me that I probably have no such thing.  I don’t really know because I’m not listening. Because I have MS.  Or because Victor is boring.  Maybe both.

Also, you aren’t allowed to yell at me for making fun of MS since I may have it.  Those are the rules of MS.  Also, I get the last slice of pie and I’m allowed to bring service kittens with me to help calm all of my sclerosis’s.  These are new MS rules I just made up but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

And in non (I probably don’t have) MS news, I’m leaving for the last leg of my tour tomorrow and there was another Chicago stop added on June 9th so please come if you can!

But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

NEW: Saturday, June 9th at 12pm ~ Chicago IL (Center Stage at Printers Row Book Fair)

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL  (Sold out)

**********

So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• It doesn’t matter what you believe in.   You cannot argue with this shirt.  That’s what makes it so awesome.

What you missed on the internets:

“I mean, I don’t want to finger the guy who sold me all those drugs.”

“That?  Oh, that was me pretending to be attacked by a Sasquatch.”

“I’m on a LOT of cold medication.”

“Unless you came out of my birth canal and lady garden you don’t get to call me ‘mommy’.”

“When do we start?  Shit.  We’ve already started, haven’t we?”

“No, the weasel was already dead when I opened it.”

“So then I was stuck in the cow’s..uh…can I say “vagina” if I’m referring to a cow’s vagina?”

“I did a lot of clown porn stuff.  Victor wasn’t pleased.  He hates clowns.”

“They really shouldn’t let me on live radio.”

I also did a Skype reading wearing a strapless dress and it looked like I was naked and I didn’t notice it until someone else posted a picture of me.

Dear me: Perhaps you should avoid tube tops on Skype. And just...you know...in general.

************

In unrelated news, I’m doing the weekly wrap-up early because we’re taking Hailey to DisneyWorld this weekend to make me feel like a less terrible mother since I’ve been gone on tour so much.

So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• It’s a shirt AND an apology.

What you missed on the internets:

Here’s the clip:

PS.  If you’re new here and want to leave angry comments about me you can, but keep in mind that you’re choosing to fight with a woman who has no real political convictions and has a full zombie apocalypse platform, so basically you’re wasting both of our time and should probably go focus on yelling about something less ridiculous than me.

PPS.  Thank you, CNN.  I appreciate your good humor.  And your not suing me.

PPPS.  As requested.  Perfect for baby showers.

Laura:  So you didn’t buy the taxidermied marmot?  Were you drunk?

me:  Of course not.  I was just socially drinking.  Not drunk drinking.

Laura:  Drunk drinking?

me:  Drunk drinking = drinking to get drunk.  Which I don’t do.

Laura:  Drunk drinking.

me:  Or “drunking”, if you prefer.  It’s shorter and probably more likely what you’d call it if you actually were out drunking.

Laura: Got it.  Now I kind of want to go drunking.

me: And that’s why words are dangerous.

*************

It’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we? 

What you missed on my parenting blog on the Houston Chronicle:

• Wookie Arts & Crafts 

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Unicorn Success Club Mousepad
• Out drunking.

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my newfangled friends at CoffeeTable, a (free!) iPad app that wants to be your bff and take you shopping—from the comfort of your very own couch / loveseat / pouf. Oh you want your favorite catalogs and exclusive sales and to buy your goodies in just two taps and a magical unicorn? It’s all here (maybe except the unicorn).  YOU’RE WELCOME.

This morning she surprised me with a painting of my own and I wanted to share it with you…

Love.