Category Archives: is this mini-skirt too short?

If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless

I like to randomly click though my comments and pretend that I’m throwing a cocktail party for all my friends and that I’m just picking up little bits and pieces of their bizarre, disjointed conversations as I drunkenly push my way to the bathroom. 

For example:

Nonlinear girl: What kind of Christians are these that have such a big porn problem? Is the porn pushing itself into their homes without their consent? We have that problem with ants, but the porn doesn’t seem to get further than our porch.

Furiousball - Ahh yes the cat water hump, which is another one of my failed business venture.   It was a mobile cat humping/wheelbarrow repair business. I called it Pussy Wheel-o. Never worked.

Kregg – I saw Cloverfield and it was great and I didn’t get sick because I’m great. I love movies where everyone dies cause it’s all like, “In your face happy endings.” No one learns a thing and no questions are answered. Ha ha ha ha ha.
That monster totally didn’t know his way around the city and was clearly frustrated.

Mamatulip – Dave would be completely mortified and would probably have to go do something manly like punch Chuck Norris in the cock if he left the movie theatre because a movie made him puke.

Spamboy – There is no difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. Both of them are my wife’s “girl crushes” and neither of them will sleep with me.

Heather – I bet Victor likes sporks, too. I do. Sporks are the SHIT.

Sayre -  I used to shave my brother the body builder, the parts he couldn’t reach.

Karmyn – When we’re done talking on the phone my husband always says to me “Thanks for calling” like I’m some old acquaintance.

Furiousball - My dog told me that when he gets to the point that I have to put him down he wants to be shot out of a cannon over Snake Canyon (just like Evil Knievel).  Oh also, he told me to listen to Nirvana’s Incesticide backwards to get his next orders.

Clint – I found this site looking for a work for my Squid phobia. Brrr. EVIL things. There was a BBC documentary saying that in a few hundred thousand years they may evolve to walk upon the land. I hope nobody finds out the secret to eternal life while I am about.

Yvette - “Your submission included words that may not be appropriate. Ass.”
Do all people in Houston write like this? Ass? If so, I could totally live in Houston. Ass. Now I live in Utah. Ass. Did you know that people in Utah read your blogs? Ass? They do! Ass! They make us laugh! Ass!

Greta – Totally uncalled for, them calling you an ass. I also hate how wordpress and youtube call me a “user.”

Lotta – Why is everyone loving your hair? I totally want your boobs. I mean I don’t “want” them. I just want them on my body. Ok, wait this isn’t sounding at all like I mean.

Flutter:  Oh, my little sparkle fairy. My f**king little unicorn loving, multi-blogging trucker mouthed little pixie, Jenny. How I love thee. You and your pink ringed suspicious mole having, hilarity inducing, cuss word juggernaut. Ass.

Christine – It is, however, truly comforting to know that you really RESPECT the dead whores.

Stjnky – I’ve either been hallucinating, or there are a lot more elderly white women wearing japanese kabuki makeup in the downtown tunnels lately.

Hairy Weisenheimmer-  I woke up 15 minutes later looking at the underside of the commode with seriously brusied ribs a knot the size of Rhode Island on my head.Sweet. And, as I had never managed to get the door locked, my feet were sticking out into the hallway. Classy.

Lawyer Mama:  After a particularly rough evening trying to get the kids to bed my husband said (with all seriousness), “You know, you’ve been a real bummer lately.” Yes, he did. He said that to the woman who had just left her job on short term disability for depression. A real bummer. I nearly kicked him in the testicles.

The original lisa:  Evidently my hospital is run by a bunch of baboons with a few donkeys thrown in for good measure. You know, diversity in the workplace and all.

Eric G.:  Are you getting enough caramel apples in your diet?

-R- : My husband refuses to take drugs for his ulcers because he thinks the ulcers will get better as long as he acts tough.

Girl con Queso:  I say if you’re going to save money, a life preserver is the smart place to do it.

Willowtree: Are you saying your dog was fucking when he died? Because that’s how I want to go too.

Oh the effing Joys:  I just want them to shut the f*ck up and do my hair.

Margaret:  So you buy headless skinned rabbits and an assortment of thongs – do they ship them together? Or group together for discount on shipping?

Kevin Charnas:  I totally had a deep fried twinkie last year. AND a deep fried Ho-Ho. They were incredible (as would be a sock, if you deep fried it), right up to the point where I almost puked them up.

Anastasia Beaverhausen – When I first read the post title about how much it costs to have your cat humped I was really thinking about how there were other cats who would probably do that for free. Then I read the post.

Mark:  I don’t think they should use Elephants in Porn. Especially blue ones. They should be in the circus.

Anyway, I think it’s stuff like this that says a lot about this blog and the type of people it attracts.  Like the fact that you people are awesome.  And wonderful.  And freaks.  Awesome, wonderful freaks.

Try it out yourself…if your blog was a cocktail party, how would it sound?

Fooling technorati and other award-winning junk

So according to technorati, this is what my blog is all about:

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I was feeling really crappy about this “review” but then a friend pointed out that this was mostly just from the tags I use on each of my posts so starting today…new and improved tags.  (See above.)   I’m taking suggestions for others. 

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Overheard in a full elevator this week:  “Well at least I didn’t say that her womb smelled like butterscotch.”*

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Dog attack update:  After a week of Victor getting annoyed with me constantly asking ”Does this look infected?” he was about to strangle me but then I went to get my stitches out and it turns out that bite I kept insisting looked infected?  Is infected.   Yay?

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* I’m pretty sure you can call it “overhearing it” even if you were the person saying it.  Also, guy-on-the-15th-floor, “womb” is a perfectly acceptable word and I do not appreciate you giving me the stink eye every time I see you.