Category Archives: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

I assure you, that was not my nipple.

So this week I did a keynote address at the Texas Conference for Women.  The other keynote speakers were all uber-professional and awesome, and one was a nobel peace laureate, and they all said very important, inspirational things.  And then I got on the stage and panicked and decided to do a reading from my book about the time I got my arm stuck up a cow’s vagina.  In my defense though, I’m me, so it wasn’t like they didn’t know they were getting into, and surprisingly few people actually walked out.  I suspect the few who did walk out probably just had cow vagina phobia (I feel ya, sisters) but then later I realized it might have been for another reason altogether.  Very sweet friends sent me photos of myself on stage and some of them made me look almost professional:

Pretend I was saying something profound here and not just explaining how easy it is to get your arm broken in a cow vagina.

Then my friend Laura sent me pictures from the back.  After the fifth one I had noticed they all had one similarity:

Do you see it?

You might not notice from the picture, but after looking at a series of them all I can see is what appears to be my right nipple escaping from my shirt.

No shit. It's in EVERY shot.

And I know it’s not my nipple because I’m about to turn 40 and my nipples weren’t that perky even when I was 20.  In fact, I’d almost be proud if that was an accidental nip-slip, because who wouldn’t be impressed with nipples that are so perky they seem to be reading the book along with me?  Answer: Professional conference attendees staring at a possible wonky nipple during a 20-minute diatribe about cow vaginas.

Let me assure you, it was not my nipple.  I suspect it was shadow of the circular microphone on the podium, but now I’m worried that thousands of women think I was intentionally showing off my one good nipple.  I would never do that, y’all.  Because I’m a lady.

And now that I’ve straightened that out (or possibly made it much, much worse) I’m going to change the subject to tell you that I just opened a box from my editor and it was filled with my book in Portuguese.  I think.  I’m not good with languages.  But as an early Christmas/Hanukkah present I’m going to give away signed Portuguese copies to a few random commenters.  Why would you even want this?  I have no idea.  But I guarantee that you’ll be the only one with one.

I shoved the cover in my cat's face and screamed, "HEY, CAT! YOU'RE TOTALLY FAMOUS IN BRAZIL," and then she ran and hid under the couch. Some people just can't handle fame.

 

UPDATED: Well, that was…not *entirely* unexpected

Did you know that Alexa gives you a list of search phrases that they believe drives traffic to your blog? Because, yeah.  Here are mine:

Honestly, I’m not sure whether I’m more “proud” or “ashamed”.  I’m leaning toward “both”.

PS.  When you actually do a google search for “sloth texas divorce” my blog is not even on the front page.  Probably because surprise sloths made our marriage stronger.  Stop jumping to conclusions, Alexa. You don’t even know us.

UPDATED ( 7 hours later):  If you google “Texas sloth divorce” this blog is now actually the very first thing that pops up.  Conclusion:  Alexa is fucking psychic.  

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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantastically odd novel, Can’t Buy Me Love, by Summer Kinard.  It’s a story about a freegan who falls in love after finding a scrapbook in a dumpster.  The story comes complete with masked female Mexican wrestlers, lemurs and miracles, awesome lesbians, a psychic Jewish grandmother, a yarn-bombing midwife, and it’s quite possibly the only romance where tacos save the day.  You should probably buy it.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)

The last leg of my book tour starts just in a few days and I just realized that it’s on April Fool’s Day.  I can only assume that I’m going to show up and the bookstore is going to be like “What? There’s no event here.  This is a marina.  You’ve been booked to scrape barnacles off of boats.”  But the joke’s on them because I love scraping barnacles.  Plus, if you show up I’ll force them to let me do a reading and a signing in between the barnacle stuff.  It’ll be awesome.  Or terrible.  Probably both.

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina, apparently), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS. I’m not sure how, but somehow this insane book is still on the NYT list.  And that?  Is a damn miracle.  One that you created.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to thank you even more I’m going to give a few of you an autographed copy of my book which you can’t read.  Unless you can read German.  In which case, you are way smarter than me.

For German publisher

Unless you want the English copy. Whatever. Just tell me what you want in the comments and if you get picked I’ll give it to you.  Unless what you want is a bunch of eyeless faces in a box.  Those are mine.

Thank you!

EEEEEEEE.

That is the sound of a hamster being squeezed too tightly by a three-year-old.  It is also the sound I’m making after finding out that your tremendous support of the paperback version of my book (which came out last week) is now #5 on the NYT paperback list.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing community behind me who is willing to buy a book all over again just so they can read the bonus chapter.  Also, I have lots of great tour stories to tell you when the tour is finally over (Come see me?) but for now let me just say that the greatest part about touring is watching nervous people creep in alone but leave as groups of new friends.  I am so lucky to be a part of your bizarre tribe.

Picture of a few awesome people from last week's book tour. They smelled like cupcakes and magnificence.

And to thank you a tiny bit for all of  your bad-assness I’m giving away five autographed copies of the new book this week.  And if you already have one you can just sell it on eBay, or use it as a coaster, or give it to your newest friend to test how easily offended they are.  Just leave a comment and I’ll pick people before I leave again for the next leg of the tour.

PS.  For real.  Thank you.  We did this together.

Burdle is a real word. Don't question me, spellcheck.

Conversation with my husband:

Victor:  Ugh.  I’m having a shitty day.

me:  What’s wrong?  Release your burdle unto me.

Victor:  Um…my what?

me: Your burdle.  it’s short for “bundle of burdens”.

Victor: That’s not a real word.

me: It is.  I just used it.

Victor: Just because you say it doesn’t mean that it’s a real word.

me:  Actually, it does.  That’s where new words come from.  I’m like the stork of new words.

Victor:  Well if it’s short for “bundle of burdens” wouldn’t that be “bundens”?

me:  Bundens?  Don’t be ridiculous.  “Bundens” is not a real word.  

Victor: You make my head hurt.

me: You’re my husband.  It’s the heavy burdle you have to bear.

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Flip Your Cats.  From the makers: “Flip the Cats is simple to learn, challenging and fun; you trap and capture your opponent’s cats by placing yours around them. Place your cats on either side of your opponent’s to flip it to your colour… but on their turn, your opponent can do the same to you.  FLIP YOUR CATS TO VICTORY.”

BUY MY BIRDFEEDERS

On March 4th the paperback version of my book comes out.  It’s cheaper than the hardback and it has an extra chapter – which seems sort of unfair to those of you who bought the hardback – but on the plus side, you can buy the paperback, read the extra chapter (and the book club questions) and then give it to your fucked-up friend who probably needs it, or just leave it on the plane for the next unsuspecting passenger.

EVERYONE WINS.

The book comes out in a few weeks and you can order it now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, Target, IndieBound and more.

As I understand it, the new chapter is only in the American (checking on Canada now) paperback version so far but as a thank-you to everyone who has read the book or who plans on buying the paperback (THANK YOU!) I’m randomly giving away a bunch of Bloggess Geek-a-Week trading cards signed by me that you can use as bookmarks.  Just leave a comment and I’ll contact you if you win.

Also, in case you missed it, I’m going back on tour.  Last time I was on tour I got a brain in a jar and someone left a kitten on my table and we all had to be really quiet so that we wouldn’t wake it up (the kitten…not the brain).  Also, I gave a reading to several people in the Costco parking lot.  It was pretty glamorous.  You should come.  Seriously.  Please.  Don’t make me do this alone.

The Tour So Far:

March 5 ~ Paramus, NJ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 6 ~ NYC, Upper West Side Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 7 ~ Chicago, Anderson’s Bookshop, 7pm

March 8 ~ St. Louis, MO, Left Banks Books “Drink Out”, 7pm

March 18 ~ Louisville, KY Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 19 ~ Dayton, OH Books & Co., 7pm

March 20 ~ Cincinnati, OH Joseph-Beth Booksellers, 7pm

March 21 ~ Kansas City, MO, Rainy Day Books, 7pm

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS.  Thank you.  Seriously.  Thank you to every single one of you who supported the book, told others about it, bought it for friends, asked for it at your library, shoplifted it, etc.  Because of your support the book has been made available around the world and I’m still getting emails from people whose lives were changed when they realized they weren’t alone in thinking they were a strange misfit.  None of this would have happened without you.  Thank you.

UPDATED:  15 winners have been notified, but I’ll be bringing a big stack of these cards with me on tour to give out as long as they last.  Please come see me?

Next class: How to keep bees with handguns

I don’t have a lot to say here because I live in a mixed political home and so things are always a bit tense here after election day, but I will say that we can all stand together as one nation in hatred of that sound  you get when you try to erase something, but you don’t have any eraser left and so the metal part of the pencil squeals over the paper and then accordions it all up.  I think we can all agree that that shit needs to stop.  Also, overuse of the word “moist” and the word “panties.”  People using the phrase “moist panties” should have to spend two weeks in community service replacing worn pencil erasers.  The end.

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But not really because I had too much caffeine and can’t stop writing.  So instead I’ll share a bunch of shit I wrote that wasn’t funny enough to publish alone, in hopes that it gets funnier algebraically.

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True story:  I get these emails from Amazon recommending local stuff they think I’d be into.  In the last week I’ve been offered special deals on Beekeeping Classes, Handgun Practice, Permanent Makeup and Reflexology/Zip Line…which just sounds dangerous. I can’t tell if they really know me, or if they really don’t know me at all.

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Yesterday this thing happened to me that so blew my mind that I freaked out and called everyone I knew to tell them about it but then it turns out that I can’t write about because (swear to God) it might endanger the well-being of The Doctor and myself.  I have never in my entire life wanted to write about anything so much and it’s killing me inside.  I don’t have anything funny to add here but just pretend that I just proved without a shadow of a doubt that a possible real-life Time Lord and I spent some quality time together talking about testicles and I have pictures to prove it that I can never show.  And this is exactly why being a companion must be so bloody hard.

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My friend Edwin sent me this tweet:

Hmmm.

And I thought it was weird that he would send me something so rude that twitter would actually hide the image from me, but I went ahead and changed my settings to let even the most horrific images come through and then I clicked it again.

Oh. Awesome.

Thanks, twitter.

UPDATED: Go break a law (in a culturally literate way)

This is Banned Book Week and I always suggest reading and passing on a banned book to celebrate it.  After all, if other people weren’t banning books we’d never know which ones have all the best shit in them.  Last week I got an email from someone who said that my book was banned in their library and I was all “I’VE FUCKING MADE IT, YOU GUYS” and I started planning all these celebratory protests, but then it turned out that it was an elementary school library and the librarian removed it as soon as she realized it wasn’t a book about a cute mouse.  But then I started thinking that maybe if we want to keep selling books we should add some stickers to the cover and try a new, younger audience.  I sent a mock-up to my publisher:

Plus, the cover is technically a shade of grey. BONUS, y'all.

PS. I’ve decided that in order to get my next book banned I’m going to entitle it This Library is BULLSHIT.  

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • The Bloggess for President.  My slogan is “FREE UNICORNS FOR EVERYONE” because I’m running on a campaign of freeing any captive unicorns that are out there.  Because unicorns should be free.  For the sake of everyone.  Victor says I’m misleading the public with the wording but I pointed out that technically I’m probably the only candidate who will (technically) fulfill my campaign promises.  We’ve agreed not to discuss politics anymore for the sake of our marriage.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Sex Ed: a Sexual Health Primer for teens/adolescents that covers everything from body image to STD’s to sex itself.  I haven’t finished the whole thing but I wish I’d had it when I was 15.  Plus, it’s crazy cheap.  Check it out here.
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UPDATED:  This display from Dolly the Librarian at Middle Tennessee State University Library (encouraging people to read banned or challenged books):

Let's get a little closer...

 

Grey book at the top left.

My day = MADE.

 

I did a book signing and then bought some snow tires

I wrote this two weeks ago before my depression hit but I was too sick to finish it until now.  I’m feeling much, much better this morning, so let’s just pretend this last two weeks never happened…

Over the last half month I’ve been traveling North America on book tour and it’s been amazing, overwhelming, terrifying, weird and awesome. All in that order.

Every stop was filled with wonderful people who understood when I needed to hide under a table and who brought extra xanax if I needed it.

Almost every stop was standing-room-only, and seeing a whole passel of strange and wonderful people come together and find their tribe was amazing.  This was a typical gathering that took place at a Portland mall:

I felt a lot like Tiffany or Debbie Gibson, but with less hats.

But one of my favorites was the last stop (at a Costco) which was awesome because everyone got to eat samples of toaster strudels and also because you could buy my book BY THE PALLET.

Buy one pallet, get one free.

I wasn’t allowed to do a reading over the intercom because the book is too irreverent but when I finally left there were still a few people hanging around asking if I’d do one.

And so I did.

In the parking lot.

And it was wonderful.

My favorite part of this picture is the confused woman on the left looking for snow tires.

An enormous thank you goes out to every single person who came to the readings, bought the book, stole the book, or petitioned your library for the book.  Because of you Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is still (barely holding on) on the NYT list after 4 months, and so many people are discovering for the first time how very not alone we are.  Thank you for that.

Also, lots of people asked if there would be an updated tour shirt to commemorate a tour that brought me joy, laughter, shock, exhaustion, indigestion and enough material that I actually wrote an entire new chapter about it.  And the answer is yes.

click for details.

PS?  Thank you.  Seriously.  For supporting me when I was on the road, and for supporting me these last few weeks when I’ve been recovering.  I am so damn lucky that such an amazing community  has my back.