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Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

May 1, 2013

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened,Random crap

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

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PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)

March 29, 2013

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened,Random crap

The last leg of my book tour starts just in a few days and I just realized that it’s on April Fool’s Day.  I can only assume that I’m going to show up and the bookstore is going to be like “What? There’s no event here.  This is a marina.  You’ve been booked to scrape barnacles off of boats.”  But the joke’s on them because I love scraping barnacles.  Plus, if you show up I’ll force them to let me do a reading and a signing in between the barnacle stuff.  It’ll be awesome.  Or terrible.  Probably both.

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina, apparently), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS. I’m not sure how, but somehow this insane book is still on the NYT list.  And that?  Is a damn miracle.  One that you created.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to thank you even more I’m going to give a few of you an autographed copy of my book which you can’t read.  Unless you can read German.  In which case, you are way smarter than me.

For German publisher

Unless you want the English copy. Whatever. Just tell me what you want in the comments and if you get picked I’ll give it to you.  Unless what you want is a bunch of eyeless faces in a box.  Those are mine.

{ 873 comments }

Thank you!

March 14, 2013

in I am totally overrated,Let's Pretend This Never Happened,Random crap

EEEEEEEE.

That is the sound of a hamster being squeezed too tightly by a three-year-old.  It is also the sound I’m making after finding out that your tremendous support of the paperback version of my book (which came out last week) is now #5 on the NYT paperback list.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing community behind me who is willing to buy a book all over again just so they can read the bonus chapter.  Also, I have lots of great tour stories to tell you when the tour is finally over (Come see me?) but for now let me just say that the greatest part about touring is watching nervous people creep in alone but leave as groups of new friends.  I am so lucky to be a part of your bizarre tribe.

Picture of a few awesome people from last week's book tour. They smelled like cupcakes and magnificence.

And to thank you a tiny bit for all of  your bad-assness I’m giving away five autographed copies of the new book this week.  And if you already have one you can just sell it on eBay, or use it as a coaster, or give it to your newest friend to test how easily offended they are.  Just leave a comment and I’ll pick people before I leave again for the next leg of the tour.

PS.  For real.  Thank you.  We did this together.

{ 2093 comments }

Burdle is a real word. Don’t question me, spellcheck.

February 24, 2013

in I am totally overrated,Let's Pretend This Never Happened,Random crap,weekly reruns

Conversation with my husband:

Victor:  Ugh.  I’m having a shitty day.

me:  What’s wrong?  Release your burdle unto me.

Victor:  Um…my what?

me: Your burdle.  it’s short for “bundle of burdens”.

Victor: That’s not a real word.

me: It is.  I just used it.

Victor: Just because you say it doesn’t mean that it’s a real word.

me:  Actually, it does.  That’s where new words come from.  I’m like the stork of new words.

Victor:  Well if it’s short for “bundle of burdens” wouldn’t that be “bundens”?

me:  Bundens?  Don’t be ridiculous.  ”Bundens” is not a real word.  

Victor: You make my head hurt.

me: You’re my husband.  It’s the heavy burdle you have to bear.

*************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Flip Your Cats.  From the makers: “Flip the Cats is simple to learn, challenging and fun; you trap and capture your opponent’s cats by placing yours around them. Place your cats on either side of your opponent’s to flip it to your colour… but on their turn, your opponent can do the same to you.  FLIP YOUR CATS TO VICTORY.”

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BUY MY BIRDFEEDERS

February 11, 2013

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened,Random crap

On March 4th the paperback version of my book comes out.  It’s cheaper than the hardback and it has an extra chapter – which seems sort of unfair to those of you who bought the hardback – but on the plus side, you can buy the paperback, read the extra chapter (and the book club questions) and then give it to your fucked-up friend who probably needs it, or just leave it on the plane for the next unsuspecting passenger.

EVERYONE WINS.

The book comes out in a few weeks and you can order it now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, Target, IndieBound and more.

As I understand it, the new chapter is only in the American (checking on Canada now) paperback version so far but as a thank-you to everyone who has read the book or who plans on buying the paperback (THANK YOU!) I’m randomly giving away a bunch of Bloggess Geek-a-Week trading cards signed by me that you can use as bookmarks.  Just leave a comment and I’ll contact you if you win.

Also, in case you missed it, I’m going back on tour.  Last time I was on tour I got a brain in a jar and someone left a kitten on my table and we all had to be really quiet so that we wouldn’t wake it up (the kitten…not the brain).  Also, I gave a reading to several people in the Costco parking lot.  It was pretty glamorous.  You should come.  Seriously.  Please.  Don’t make me do this alone.

The Tour So Far:

March 5 ~ Paramus, NJ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 6 ~ NYC, Upper West Side Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 7 ~ Chicago, Anderson’s Bookshop, 7pm

March 8 ~ St. Louis, MO, Left Banks Books ”Drink Out”, 7pm

March 18 ~ Louisville, KY Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 19 ~ Dayton, OH Books & Co., 7pm

March 20 ~ Cincinnati, OH Joseph-Beth Booksellers, 7pm

March 21 ~ Kansas City, MO, Rainy Day Books, 7pm

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS.  Thank you.  Seriously.  Thank you to every single one of you who supported the book, told others about it, bought it for friends, asked for it at your library, shoplifted it, etc.  Because of your support the book has been made available around the world and I’m still getting emails from people whose lives were changed when they realized they weren’t alone in thinking they were a strange misfit.  None of this would have happened without you.  Thank you.

UPDATED:  15 winners have been notified, but I’ll be bringing a big stack of these cards with me on tour to give out as long as they last.  Please come see me?

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