Category Archives: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

BUY MY BIRDFEEDERS

On March 4th the paperback version of my book comes out.  It’s cheaper than the hardback and it has an extra chapter – which seems sort of unfair to those of you who bought the hardback – but on the plus side, you can buy the paperback, read the extra chapter (and the book club questions) and then give it to your fucked-up friend who probably needs it, or just leave it on the plane for the next unsuspecting passenger.

EVERYONE WINS.

The book comes out in a few weeks and you can order it now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, Target, IndieBound and more.

As I understand it, the new chapter is only in the American (checking on Canada now) paperback version so far but as a thank-you to everyone who has read the book or who plans on buying the paperback (THANK YOU!) I’m randomly giving away a bunch of Bloggess Geek-a-Week trading cards signed by me that you can use as bookmarks.  Just leave a comment and I’ll contact you if you win.

Also, in case you missed it, I’m going back on tour.  Last time I was on tour I got a brain in a jar and someone left a kitten on my table and we all had to be really quiet so that we wouldn’t wake it up (the kitten…not the brain).  Also, I gave a reading to several people in the Costco parking lot.  It was pretty glamorous.  You should come.  Seriously.  Please.  Don’t make me do this alone.

The Tour So Far:

March 5 ~ Paramus, NJ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 6 ~ NYC, Upper West Side Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 7 ~ Chicago, Anderson’s Bookshop, 7pm

March 8 ~ St. Louis, MO, Left Banks Books “Drink Out”, 7pm

March 18 ~ Louisville, KY Barnes & Noble, 7pm

March 19 ~ Dayton, OH Books & Co., 7pm

March 20 ~ Cincinnati, OH Joseph-Beth Booksellers, 7pm

March 21 ~ Kansas City, MO, Rainy Day Books, 7pm

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS.  Thank you.  Seriously.  Thank you to every single one of you who supported the book, told others about it, bought it for friends, asked for it at your library, shoplifted it, etc.  Because of your support the book has been made available around the world and I’m still getting emails from people whose lives were changed when they realized they weren’t alone in thinking they were a strange misfit.  None of this would have happened without you.  Thank you.

UPDATED:  15 winners have been notified, but I’ll be bringing a big stack of these cards with me on tour to give out as long as they last.  Please come see me?

Next class: How to keep bees with handguns

I don’t have a lot to say here because I live in a mixed political home and so things are always a bit tense here after election day, but I will say that we can all stand together as one nation in hatred of that sound  you get when you try to erase something, but you don’t have any eraser left and so the metal part of the pencil squeals over the paper and then accordions it all up.  I think we can all agree that that shit needs to stop.  Also, overuse of the word “moist” and the word “panties.”  People using the phrase “moist panties” should have to spend two weeks in community service replacing worn pencil erasers.  The end.

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But not really because I had too much caffeine and can’t stop writing.  So instead I’ll share a bunch of shit I wrote that wasn’t funny enough to publish alone, in hopes that it gets funnier algebraically.

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True story:  I get these emails from Amazon recommending local stuff they think I’d be into.  In the last week I’ve been offered special deals on Beekeeping Classes, Handgun Practice, Permanent Makeup and Reflexology/Zip Line…which just sounds dangerous. I can’t tell if they really know me, or if they really don’t know me at all.

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Yesterday this thing happened to me that so blew my mind that I freaked out and called everyone I knew to tell them about it but then it turns out that I can’t write about because (swear to God) it might endanger the well-being of The Doctor and myself.  I have never in my entire life wanted to write about anything so much and it’s killing me inside.  I don’t have anything funny to add here but just pretend that I just proved without a shadow of a doubt that a possible real-life Time Lord and I spent some quality time together talking about testicles and I have pictures to prove it that I can never show.  And this is exactly why being a companion must be so bloody hard.

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My friend Edwin sent me this tweet:

Hmmm.

And I thought it was weird that he would send me something so rude that twitter would actually hide the image from me, but I went ahead and changed my settings to let even the most horrific images come through and then I clicked it again.

Oh. Awesome.

Thanks, twitter.

UPDATED: Go break a law (in a culturally literate way)

This is Banned Book Week and I always suggest reading and passing on a banned book to celebrate it.  After all, if other people weren’t banning books we’d never know which ones have all the best shit in them.  Last week I got an email from someone who said that my book was banned in their library and I was all “I’VE FUCKING MADE IT, YOU GUYS” and I started planning all these celebratory protests, but then it turned out that it was an elementary school library and the librarian removed it as soon as she realized it wasn’t a book about a cute mouse.  But then I started thinking that maybe if we want to keep selling books we should add some stickers to the cover and try a new, younger audience.  I sent a mock-up to my publisher:

Plus, the cover is technically a shade of grey. BONUS, y'all.

PS. I’ve decided that in order to get my next book banned I’m going to entitle it This Library is BULLSHIT.  

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • The Bloggess for President.  My slogan is “FREE UNICORNS FOR EVERYONE” because I’m running on a campaign of freeing any captive unicorns that are out there.  Because unicorns should be free.  For the sake of everyone.  Victor says I’m misleading the public with the wording but I pointed out that technically I’m probably the only candidate who will (technically) fulfill my campaign promises.  We’ve agreed not to discuss politics anymore for the sake of our marriage.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Sex Ed: a Sexual Health Primer for teens/adolescents that covers everything from body image to STD’s to sex itself.  I haven’t finished the whole thing but I wish I’d had it when I was 15.  Plus, it’s crazy cheap.  Check it out here.
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UPDATED:  This display from Dolly the Librarian at Middle Tennessee State University Library (encouraging people to read banned or challenged books):

Let's get a little closer...

 

Grey book at the top left.

My day = MADE.

 

I did a book signing and then bought some snow tires

I wrote this two weeks ago before my depression hit but I was too sick to finish it until now.  I’m feeling much, much better this morning, so let’s just pretend this last two weeks never happened…

Over the last half month I’ve been traveling North America on book tour and it’s been amazing, overwhelming, terrifying, weird and awesome. All in that order.

Every stop was filled with wonderful people who understood when I needed to hide under a table and who brought extra xanax if I needed it.

Almost every stop was standing-room-only, and seeing a whole passel of strange and wonderful people come together and find their tribe was amazing.  This was a typical gathering that took place at a Portland mall:

I felt a lot like Tiffany or Debbie Gibson, but with less hats.

But one of my favorites was the last stop (at a Costco) which was awesome because everyone got to eat samples of toaster strudels and also because you could buy my book BY THE PALLET.

Buy one pallet, get one free.

I wasn’t allowed to do a reading over the intercom because the book is too irreverent but when I finally left there were still a few people hanging around asking if I’d do one.

And so I did.

In the parking lot.

And it was wonderful.

My favorite part of this picture is the confused woman on the left looking for snow tires.

An enormous thank you goes out to every single person who came to the readings, bought the book, stole the book, or petitioned your library for the book.  Because of you Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is still (barely holding on) on the NYT list after 4 months, and so many people are discovering for the first time how very not alone we are.  Thank you for that.

Also, lots of people asked if there would be an updated tour shirt to commemorate a tour that brought me joy, laughter, shock, exhaustion, indigestion and enough material that I actually wrote an entire new chapter about it.  And the answer is yes.

click for details.

PS?  Thank you.  Seriously.  For supporting me when I was on the road, and for supporting me these last few weeks when I’ve been recovering.  I am so damn lucky that such an amazing community  has my back.

A small thanks

A week from now I’ll be flying to Toronto to begin the last leg of my book tour.  (Click here for dates.)  Somehow it’s still on the bestseller list and I owe that completely to you.  And that’s why I’m doing a giveaway today.  Leave a comment and I’ll choose a few of you to win either an autographed copy of the American version, the British Version, or the audio CD (whichever you choose.)

Also, if you really want a signed and personalized copy of the book for you (or for a gift) but you can’t make it to any of the tour stops you can contact Changing Hands (480.730.0205) to buy a book and I’ll sign one for you when I’m in Arizona.  They ship all over the world.

Thanks again for all your amazing support.  I literally couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you.

The FINAL final leg of the book tour!

I said I was out, but apparently I was just lying because I’ve agreed to do just one more book tour this year.  Partially I’m doing it because I want to say “Thank you” to all the wonderful people who have somehow kept this strange little book on the NYT list for the last three months.  Partially I’m doing it because I love meeting all the amazing people that are a part of my tribe.  And partially I’m doing it because they’re finally sending me to Canada!

So, here is the last leg of the North American Let’s Pretend This Never Happened Tour:

Here are the details as they come in:

Tues, Aug 7th – Toronto

Fri, August 10th – Edina MN

Sat, Aug 11th – Tempe

 Mon, Aug 13 – Denver

Tues, Aug 14 – San Diego

Wed, Aug 15 – Portland 

Thurs, Aug 16 – Seattle (8pm)

Fri, Aug 17 – Seattle (6pm)

Also, I know that some bookstores require you to buy the book from them but usually they’ll let you in line with one from another store after the people who bought the book there have gone through.  Also, I try to stay afterward in the parking lot for a ninja-quick signing (whenever I can) in case you can’t afford the book.  Just call the bookstore if you have any questions.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Back on tour…LAST LEG! (Probably)

First off, thank you.  Thanks for the amazing support you continue to give me and others here on this blog.

I’m feeling much better and the depression cleared away just in time for several doctors to encourage me to be tested for multiple sclerosis, which would be my third autoimmune disease and thus would complete my trifecta of your-body-wants-you-dead disorders.  Apparently though there isn’t a cure for it so I plan on just ignoring it and assuming I already have it, much like the polio, mumps and testicular cancer that Web MD assures me I have.  In other words, nothing more to worry about than usual.  Plus, MS apparently causes brain disturbances (which explains a lot) so whenever Victor accuses me of zoning out and not listening to him I just say “I HAVE MS, YOU ASSHOLE” and then I win whatever we were talking about.  Or possibly Victor angrily reminds me that I probably have no such thing.  I don’t really know because I’m not listening. Because I have MS.  Or because Victor is boring.  Maybe both.

Also, you aren’t allowed to yell at me for making fun of MS since I may have it.  Those are the rules of MS.  Also, I get the last slice of pie and I’m allowed to bring service kittens with me to help calm all of my sclerosis’s.  These are new MS rules I just made up but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

And in non (I probably don’t have) MS news, I’m leaving for the last leg of my tour tomorrow and there was another Chicago stop added on June 9th so please come if you can!

Leg three
But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

NEW: Saturday, June 9th at 12pm ~ Chicago IL (Center Stage at Printers Row Book Fair)

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL  (Sold out)

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So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I got nothin’.  I’ve been depressed all week.  Your turn.  Entertain me, y’all.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by In Stitches, by Anthony Youn.  Full of heart
and humor, a memoir about becoming a doctor that’s unlike anything you’ve
ever read before.  I haven’t finished it myself but I recommend you check it out here.