Category Archives: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

A small thanks

A week from now I’ll be flying to Toronto to begin the last leg of my book tour.  (Click here for dates.)  Somehow it’s still on the bestseller list and I owe that completely to you.  And that’s why I’m doing a giveaway today.  Leave a comment and I’ll choose a few of you to win either an autographed copy of the American version, the British Version, or the audio CD (whichever you choose.)

Also, if you really want a signed and personalized copy of the book for you (or for a gift) but you can’t make it to any of the tour stops you can contact Changing Hands (480.730.0205) to buy a book and I’ll sign one for you when I’m in Arizona.  They ship all over the world.

Thanks again for all your amazing support.  I literally couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you.

The FINAL final leg of the book tour!

I said I was out, but apparently I was just lying because I’ve agreed to do just one more book tour this year.  Partially I’m doing it because I want to say “Thank you” to all the wonderful people who have somehow kept this strange little book on the NYT list for the last three months.  Partially I’m doing it because I love meeting all the amazing people that are a part of my tribe.  And partially I’m doing it because they’re finally sending me to Canada!

So, here is the last leg of the North American Let’s Pretend This Never Happened Tour:

Here are the details as they come in:

Tues, Aug 7th – Toronto

Fri, August 10th – Edina MN

Sat, Aug 11th – Tempe

 Mon, Aug 13 – Denver

Tues, Aug 14 – San Diego

Wed, Aug 15 – Portland 

Thurs, Aug 16 – Seattle (8pm)

Fri, Aug 17 – Seattle (6pm)

Also, I know that some bookstores require you to buy the book from them but usually they’ll let you in line with one from another store after the people who bought the book there have gone through.  Also, I try to stay afterward in the parking lot for a ninja-quick signing (whenever I can) in case you can’t afford the book.  Just call the bookstore if you have any questions.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Back on tour…LAST LEG! (Probably)

First off, thank you.  Thanks for the amazing support you continue to give me and others here on this blog.

I’m feeling much better and the depression cleared away just in time for several doctors to encourage me to be tested for multiple sclerosis, which would be my third autoimmune disease and thus would complete my trifecta of your-body-wants-you-dead disorders.  Apparently though there isn’t a cure for it so I plan on just ignoring it and assuming I already have it, much like the polio, mumps and testicular cancer that Web MD assures me I have.  In other words, nothing more to worry about than usual.  Plus, MS apparently causes brain disturbances (which explains a lot) so whenever Victor accuses me of zoning out and not listening to him I just say “I HAVE MS, YOU ASSHOLE” and then I win whatever we were talking about.  Or possibly Victor angrily reminds me that I probably have no such thing.  I don’t really know because I’m not listening. Because I have MS.  Or because Victor is boring.  Maybe both.

Also, you aren’t allowed to yell at me for making fun of MS since I may have it.  Those are the rules of MS.  Also, I get the last slice of pie and I’m allowed to bring service kittens with me to help calm all of my sclerosis’s.  These are new MS rules I just made up but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

And in non (I probably don’t have) MS news, I’m leaving for the last leg of my tour tomorrow and there was another Chicago stop added on June 9th so please come if you can!

Leg three
But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

NEW: Saturday, June 9th at 12pm ~ Chicago IL (Center Stage at Printers Row Book Fair)

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL  (Sold out)

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So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I got nothin’.  I’ve been depressed all week.  Your turn.  Entertain me, y’all.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by In Stitches, by Anthony Youn.  Full of heart
and humor, a memoir about becoming a doctor that’s unlike anything you’ve
ever read before.  I haven’t finished it myself but I recommend you check it out here.

UPDATED: Leg Three!

Updated:  The Chicago stop sold out so they’re adding another one.  I’ll have details soon.

Leg three of my book tour starts in a few weeks and I have nothing witty to say here.

Leg three
But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL

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In non-related news, my friend (Kara) knit me a Gryffindor scarf for Ron Weasely.  And he also got a red wig.

A ridiculous, ridiculous red wig.

It might need trimming for historical accuracy.

IMG_2465

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Still nothing witty to add.  I apologize.  I’m not quite myself today.  I blame Ron Weasely’s wig.  To make it up to you I’m giving away a few copies of the Australian, UK  and audio versions of my book.  Just leave a comment telling me which one you want, y’all.

Thank you. Seriously.

This isn’t a real post.  It’s a thank you.

Thank you because for the third week in a row Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is on the NYT list.  Thank you because today is the premiere of my book in the UK.  Thank you for making the tour so successful that they’ve added another leg (or two) of the tour.  I still don’t know how this happened, but I do know who to thank.

Thank you.

Leg two of the Let's Pretend This Never Happened Tour

Click on the links for all the gory details:

May 16th ~ 7pm : Atlanta, Georgia

May 17th ~ 7pm : Concord, North Carolina

May 19th ~ 4:40pm : Gaithersburg Book Festival

May 20th ~ 2pm : Annapolis, Maryland

Will you come?  Pretty please?

PS.  This is where I’d put something funny and clever but I’m not funny because I have tonsillitis, sinusitis, bronchitis and Ancient-King-Midas.

PPS.  That’s sick humor.  It doesn’t translate well.  I apologize.

Ron Weasel-y

Remember last month when I added Ermione Granger to my collection of ethically taxidermied creatures who look great in clothes?  And then I said the next step would be to find Ron Weasel-y and then Victor threatened to divorce me if I didn’t stop buying dead animals?

Well, my marriage is still intact because this morning I woke up to find a very special surprise package from my friend, Lindsay.

IT’S RON WEASEL-Y, YOU GUYS:

IMG_2455

Honestly, it’s like they were made for each other.
IMG_2463
Next step…Draco Mousefoy.

PPS.  As requested, more book tour dates coming soon!  Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Gaithersburg, Annapolis and more!  Details to come…

Subtle bribery

I’m still in full tour mode (next stop Florida!) so to make it up to you for being MIA I’m giving out a signed copy of the UK version of my book and a signed copy of the audiobook (which includes an extra chapter, me singing the titles, and a blooper reel).  All you have to do is leave a comment saying whether you want the paper version or the audio version and I’ll randomly select some winners.

The UK edition is a tad more whimsical on the outside. Same guts though.

In other tour news, looks like I’ll be adding a few more cities to the tour so I’ll keep you posted on that.

I’m doing in-store Skype events if you happen to be in Cincinatti’s JOSEPH-BETH BOOKSELLERS May 9th or Lansing, Michigan’s SCHULER BOOKS & MUSIC on May 10th.  (They’ll have signed bookplates on-hand.)  Also, I’m signing books in person in Florida this Friday, and in Gaithersburg, MD on the 19th.  I’ll add some more dates soon, and then I’ll turn into a hermit for the rest of my life, so if you want a signed copy of my book you better strike now before I go into seclusion forever.

A huge thanks to each and everyone one of you for supporting me on this terrible and wonderful roller coaster.  I know there have been book shortages around, but the good news is that the books out right now are all first editions so if you can find one you’ve got a collectors item.  One that will probably really be worth something several decades after we’re all dead.

PS.  If you want to buy the UK version it comes out on May 10th and you can get it at Amazon UK, Waterstones, and Independent UK bookstores.

UPDATED:  Winners ~ Daryk Masterson and Rob R.  Thanks so much, everyone!

What happens on tour stays all over the internet

I’ve been on a bit of a whirlwind book tour and I haven’t had much time to let you know what’s been going on, so I’m going to do a quick update pulled directly from my journal:

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My editor couldn’t decide between a bottle of wine or a hat made from actual roadkill as a book pub date gift.  I think she made the right choice:

His feet make excellent ear muffs.

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I think I’m at a fancy hotel because I can’t tell what’s in the bottles.  At no point on this bottle does it say that it’s lotion.  I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen.  I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.

I still took it home.

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Same hotel.  I want a cheeseburger so I call for room service.  They reply, “Did you mean Womb Service?”  No.  No, I certainly did not and I can’t imagine enough people are making this mistake to make it worthy of that follow up question.

Also, yes, of course I have pictures:

For when you need a cheeseburger. In your birth canal.

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One of these is toothpaste.  The other is clearasil.

They do not taste the same.  Ask me how I know.

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I went to a tv interview but they neglected to tell me that it was live TV in Hollywood before a studio audience and so I was sort of petrified.  But then I took all my anti-anxiety drugs and I felt better (and woozie) until I stepped into the makeup room and there was a brunette in curlers with black glasses and I was all “Bitch stole my look” and then she said “Excuse me?” and I tried to explain myself but I was too mumbly to makes sense and then she took her hair out of the curlers AND IT WAS LISA LOEB.

Lisa Loeb isn't in this picture because I ran away from her as soon as I possibly could because I'd been mortified enough. She was very nice though.

I signed several boobs and one moob and some dead frogs.  I’ll sign anything.

No, really. Anything.

People brought me awesome, bizarre things.  Including a Tupperware bowl with an edible version of the dead mouse on the cover of my book:

No shit, y'all.

It tasted adorable.  And suspicious.  I was very hungry.

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I spoke in a quavering voice between a variety of dumpsters.

Dumpsters not shown.

And people laughed.

That empty seat was reserved for Nathan Fillion. Just in case.

And it was good.

More to come (including new tour dates!)…

PETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities

Below is an actual email conversation between me and PETA.  (FYI:  This happened over a year ago and I was going to put it in my book as an addendum to my pets-eaten-by-hobos chapter but it was too long, so if you bought my book just consider this a bonus chapter.  Also, if you haven’t read my book yet you probably should because this is going to have a mild spoiler alert.  You can buy it here.)  

From: David (from PETA.org)

Date: April 12, 2011

Good morning.

I wanted to share some information that I hope you will want to pass on to your readers as Easter approaches. Each year, PETA receives scores of calls of concern about the use of live animals—mainly rabbits, but sometimes ducklings and chicks—as props in Easter photo sessions. Unsuspecting parents and kids might not realize it, but the animals used in these photo sessions are generally terrified and miserable.

It’s a sad fact that many of the rabbits purchased on a whim during Easter time die within months—victims of unintentional neglect and cruelty. Others are abandoned, relegated to tiny outdoor hutches and subjected to weather extremes, dumped at overburdened shelters, or abandoned outdoors, where they are unable to fend for themselves and starve or are killed by predators… …Would you please share this information with your readers? Please let me know if you have any questions.

Best regards,

David

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From: Jenny Lawson

Date: April 12, 2011

When I was little I got a duck from the carnival and he was awesome.  His name was Daffodil and he lived in an inflatable raft in the backyard with the cats.  He was very happy.  But then my mom decided he’d be happier with other ducks because he started to think he was a cat, so we let him go at the lake and then a month later all the ducks were eaten by homeless people who lived under the bridge.  This is all true.  I think the real problem here is the homeless problem.  And by “homeless problem” I mean the problem I have with homeless people eating my pets.

Hugs,

Jenny

Enclosed: A girl and her duck enjoying the sunset on their back porch.  Those were golden days, David.

Me and Daffodil. Or as the homeless probably refer to him...Dinner for Six.

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From: David  from peta.org

Date: April 12, 2011

That’s quite a remarkable story, Jenny!  A few years ago, while with a group helping to hand out food to homeless people outside of a shelter, I found a number of them to be quite kind to a pigeon who showed up with an injured wing.  They were also impressed that I had the little guy (gal?) on my shoulder for a bit while I tried to figure out the next step.

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 From: Jenny Lawson

Date: April 12, 2011

You’re lucky you didn’t lose an arm because based on *my* experience with Daffodil the “next step” would be the helpful homeless people making a big pigeon cake.  Or pigeon sandwich.  I don’t actually know how you cook pigeon, David.  But what I do know is that homeless people are very sweet until they see your pet duck and then they’re like a bunch of damn zombies.  (I assume.)  My mother says this is an unfair generalization and she encouraged me to go volunteer at a homeless shelter when I lived in Houston, and the people there were all very nice (except for one schizophrenic guy who had some sort of aversion to wearing pants) but that doesn’t mean I would trust any of them with my wounded pigeon.

PS.  I wanted to ask how your pigeon fared but since you didn’t mention naming him I’m assuming that he must’ve been eaten.  I once had a live chicken hang out on my shoulder for an entire afternoon so I totally relate to your pigeon story.  Her name was Schmalzie Nugget and she was a total bad-ass.  Also, she was super heavy so when she finally decided to jump off my shoulder I looked like I had scoliosis.  Whenever anyone else would get near us she would peck at their face violently.  Her owner tried to apologize and said it was because she was mostly blind and probably thought their earrings were bugs to eat, but I didn’t judge her because any pet chicken who fights off being eaten by homeless people long enough to go blind is a goddam hero.  She was like the Chuck Norris of chickens.

PPS.  Here’s a picture of me with Schmalzie:

It’s a camera phone picture.  We’re not normally that fuzzy in real life.

****

From: David from peta.org

Date: April 12, 2011

Apparently, our homeless guests were satisfied enough with the vegan food that we had bestowed upon them!  There was at least one other time when I was out when I came upon a bird in need.  Very strange.  (And several other cases when I rescued some, including a seagull who was in the median at the top of a fairly busy bridge near our headquarters.  I chased that one across the oncoming-traffic lane below the top, wondering if I wouldn’t get hit in five seconds.  I did capture the poor thing and we went to a wildlife rehabber’s place.)  That other time, someone discovered a baby at the bottom of the building that we were in front of. We figured there was a nest up above outside of one of the windows.  Who knows!

I took those all to wildlife rehabbers or some such people.

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From: Jenny Lawson

Date: April 12, 2011

I tried eating all vegan once and I literally thought I was going to die by the 5th day.  That’s the one where you can’t eat anything but air and boiled cabbage, except on Friday when you can have a banana, right?  That is a harrowing diet.  Those homeless people were probably just too weak from hunger to go after even a wounded bird.  Weak and gassy.  That’s a terrible combination.

But ignoring all that, did you say that someone discovered *a baby* at the bottom of the building you were in front of?  Because that is insane and you should lead with that story.  Were you in front of a convent in the 1960′s?  Because if so, that sounds like an awesome made-for-tv-movie that should star Valerie Bertinelli and I want to hear more.

PS.  My husband just informed me that I’ve mistaken the apparently-totally-healthy vegan diet with the rather-dangerous-and-somewhat-stupid cabbage soup diet.  I should probably just erase that whole first paragraph but I’m leaving it just in case you’ve been considering going on the cabbage soup diet.  Avoid the cabbage soup, David.  You will never stop farting.

****

From: David  from peta.org

Date: April 12, 2011

Ooh–by “baby,” I was still writing in the context of the aviary world!

I’ve not done much exploration with cabbage.  It sounds like I should keep from doing so.  I actually just had a dinner of nachos–much tastier than air! 

~David

At this point I decided to make David my new best friend for being so awesome and asked him if he’d be okay with all of this appearing in my book.  He never responded again.  Probably because he was eaten by homeless people.  It happens way more than you think.  Also, I donate (non-duck) supplies to the homeless and am a card-carrying member of PETA so please don’t yell at me.  Except technically instead of sending me a card they always send me magazines, but no one understands you when you say you’re a “magazine-carrying member of PETA.”  That sounds fucking ridiculous.  

In short, I support homeless people, ducks and their right to eat each other.  I understand the circle of life.  Just not when it involves my Daffodil.

Daffodil Duckling in happier times. He owned the only pool on our block and you can totally see it in his smile.

I have three nipples

I’ve gotten a lot of weird gifts over my tour but so far this was a favorite. Someone gave me a nipple.

A homemade nipple.

AND IT’S AWESOME.

That is, until I got glitter on it and then it was stuck to the latex and I was trying to pull the glitter off of my nipple but it wouldn’t come off so I asked Victor to lick it because I have a thing about not licking latex nipples that strangers gave me, but then he wouldn’t do it so I can’t get the glitter off and now I know why people refer to glitter as “the herpes of the craft world,” and I also know how it feels to have herpes on your nipples, which I’m not even sure is medically possible.

But what I do know is that it’s now become my new lucky charm.

My third nipple…

Photo on 4-24-12 at 7.52 AM

I also got a pretty kick-ass picture of my wild boar (James Garfield) painted with human lips and a dead mouse replica made of peanut putter and fruit roll-ups.

It’s been a weird week.

Speaking of “weird week”, you might have noticed me a few days freaking out about somehow ending up on the New York Times Best-Seller list.  I still can’t believe that happened.  The list publishes a week from Sunday and here’s where I fell:

#1 in Combined Print and Ebook Nonfiction

#2 in Print Hardcover Nonfiction

#2 in Print Hardcover and Paperback Combined

#2 in Ebook Nonfiction

It seems like a dream to me and I can’t wrap my mind around it, but I have something to say about it.

Thank you.

This book was 10 years in the making and I put my blood, sweat, tears and other body fluids into it, but none of that would have mattered without your support.  And not just the support of each of you encouraging me and telling me not to quit when I was in a deep depression or hiding under the desk having anxiety attacks.  The simple fact is that as a first-time, no-name author I had almost no chance of ever getting on that list, but somehow my book made it on its first week out…because of you.  Because you bought the book.  Because you told other people about it.  Because you sent it to you mom or child or friends so that they’d understand that you aren’t the only weirdo in the world.  And because of that, people will read this book.  People who might have felt just as strange and weird as all of us will be able to find that they aren’t alone…that there is a tribe of people out there just as fucked up as they are.  People who always felt like misfits will see that sometimes it’s the misfits that rule the world, and that a large enough group of us can change the rules.  I don’t have the words to thank you for joining me on this long journey, nor do I have the words to make you understand what a difference you’ve made to me and to everyone else out there like us, but I have to try.

Thank you.

Score one for the misfits.

Score one for us.