Category Archives: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

UPDATED: Go break a law (in a culturally literate way)

This is Banned Book Week and I always suggest reading and passing on a banned book to celebrate it.  After all, if other people weren’t banning books we’d never know which ones have all the best shit in them.  Last week I got an email from someone who said that my book was banned in their library and I was all “I’VE FUCKING MADE IT, YOU GUYS” and I started planning all these celebratory protests, but then it turned out that it was an elementary school library and the librarian removed it as soon as she realized it wasn’t a book about a cute mouse.  But then I started thinking that maybe if we want to keep selling books we should add some stickers to the cover and try a new, younger audience.  I sent a mock-up to my publisher:

Plus, the cover is technically a shade of grey. BONUS, y'all.

PS. I’ve decided that in order to get my next book banned I’m going to entitle it This Library is BULLSHIT.  

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • The Bloggess for President.  My slogan is “FREE UNICORNS FOR EVERYONE” because I’m running on a campaign of freeing any captive unicorns that are out there.  Because unicorns should be free.  For the sake of everyone.  Victor says I’m misleading the public with the wording but I pointed out that technically I’m probably the only candidate who will (technically) fulfill my campaign promises.  We’ve agreed not to discuss politics anymore for the sake of our marriage.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Sex Ed: a Sexual Health Primer for teens/adolescents that covers everything from body image to STD’s to sex itself.  I haven’t finished the whole thing but I wish I’d had it when I was 15.  Plus, it’s crazy cheap.  Check it out here.
********************
UPDATED:  This display from Dolly the Librarian at Middle Tennessee State University Library (encouraging people to read banned or challenged books):

Let's get a little closer...

 

Grey book at the top left.

My day = MADE.

 

I did a book signing and then bought some snow tires

I wrote this two weeks ago before my depression hit but I was too sick to finish it until now.  I’m feeling much, much better this morning, so let’s just pretend this last two weeks never happened…

Over the last half month I’ve been traveling North America on book tour and it’s been amazing, overwhelming, terrifying, weird and awesome. All in that order.

Every stop was filled with wonderful people who understood when I needed to hide under a table and who brought extra xanax if I needed it.

Almost every stop was standing-room-only, and seeing a whole passel of strange and wonderful people come together and find their tribe was amazing.  This was a typical gathering that took place at a Portland mall:

I felt a lot like Tiffany or Debbie Gibson, but with less hats.

But one of my favorites was the last stop (at a Costco) which was awesome because everyone got to eat samples of toaster strudels and also because you could buy my book BY THE PALLET.

Buy one pallet, get one free.

I wasn’t allowed to do a reading over the intercom because the book is too irreverent but when I finally left there were still a few people hanging around asking if I’d do one.

And so I did.

In the parking lot.

And it was wonderful.

My favorite part of this picture is the confused woman on the left looking for snow tires.

An enormous thank you goes out to every single person who came to the readings, bought the book, stole the book, or petitioned your library for the book.  Because of you Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is still (barely holding on) on the NYT list after 4 months, and so many people are discovering for the first time how very not alone we are.  Thank you for that.

Also, lots of people asked if there would be an updated tour shirt to commemorate a tour that brought me joy, laughter, shock, exhaustion, indigestion and enough material that I actually wrote an entire new chapter about it.  And the answer is yes.

click for details.

PS?  Thank you.  Seriously.  For supporting me when I was on the road, and for supporting me these last few weeks when I’ve been recovering.  I am so damn lucky that such an amazing community  has my back.

A small thanks

A week from now I’ll be flying to Toronto to begin the last leg of my book tour.  (Click here for dates.)  Somehow it’s still on the bestseller list and I owe that completely to you.  And that’s why I’m doing a giveaway today.  Leave a comment and I’ll choose a few of you to win either an autographed copy of the American version, the British Version, or the audio CD (whichever you choose.)

Also, if you really want a signed and personalized copy of the book for you (or for a gift) but you can’t make it to any of the tour stops you can contact Changing Hands (480.730.0205) to buy a book and I’ll sign one for you when I’m in Arizona.  They ship all over the world.

Thanks again for all your amazing support.  I literally couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you.

The FINAL final leg of the book tour!

I said I was out, but apparently I was just lying because I’ve agreed to do just one more book tour this year.  Partially I’m doing it because I want to say “Thank you” to all the wonderful people who have somehow kept this strange little book on the NYT list for the last three months.  Partially I’m doing it because I love meeting all the amazing people that are a part of my tribe.  And partially I’m doing it because they’re finally sending me to Canada!

So, here is the last leg of the North American Let’s Pretend This Never Happened Tour:

Here are the details as they come in:

Tues, Aug 7th – Toronto

Fri, August 10th – Edina MN

Sat, Aug 11th – Tempe

 Mon, Aug 13 – Denver

Tues, Aug 14 – San Diego

Wed, Aug 15 – Portland 

Thurs, Aug 16 – Seattle (8pm)

Fri, Aug 17 – Seattle (6pm)

Also, I know that some bookstores require you to buy the book from them but usually they’ll let you in line with one from another store after the people who bought the book there have gone through.  Also, I try to stay afterward in the parking lot for a ninja-quick signing (whenever I can) in case you can’t afford the book.  Just call the bookstore if you have any questions.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Back on tour…LAST LEG! (Probably)

First off, thank you.  Thanks for the amazing support you continue to give me and others here on this blog.

I’m feeling much better and the depression cleared away just in time for several doctors to encourage me to be tested for multiple sclerosis, which would be my third autoimmune disease and thus would complete my trifecta of your-body-wants-you-dead disorders.  Apparently though there isn’t a cure for it so I plan on just ignoring it and assuming I already have it, much like the polio, mumps and testicular cancer that Web MD assures me I have.  In other words, nothing more to worry about than usual.  Plus, MS apparently causes brain disturbances (which explains a lot) so whenever Victor accuses me of zoning out and not listening to him I just say “I HAVE MS, YOU ASSHOLE” and then I win whatever we were talking about.  Or possibly Victor angrily reminds me that I probably have no such thing.  I don’t really know because I’m not listening. Because I have MS.  Or because Victor is boring.  Maybe both.

Also, you aren’t allowed to yell at me for making fun of MS since I may have it.  Those are the rules of MS.  Also, I get the last slice of pie and I’m allowed to bring service kittens with me to help calm all of my sclerosis’s.  These are new MS rules I just made up but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

And in non (I probably don’t have) MS news, I’m leaving for the last leg of my tour tomorrow and there was another Chicago stop added on June 9th so please come if you can!

Leg three
But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

NEW: Saturday, June 9th at 12pm ~ Chicago IL (Center Stage at Printers Row Book Fair)

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL  (Sold out)

**********

So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I got nothin’.  I’ve been depressed all week.  Your turn.  Entertain me, y’all.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by In Stitches, by Anthony Youn.  Full of heart
and humor, a memoir about becoming a doctor that’s unlike anything you’ve
ever read before.  I haven’t finished it myself but I recommend you check it out here.

UPDATED: Leg Three!

Updated:  The Chicago stop sold out so they’re adding another one.  I’ll have details soon.

Leg three of my book tour starts in a few weeks and I have nothing witty to say here.

Leg three
But in spite of my lack of witticisms I would LOVE it if you’d come to see me on my last week on the road.  Here’s where I’ll be in two weeks:

Wednesday, June 6 at 7pm ~ Montclair, NJ

Thursday, June 7th ~ Blogworld NY

Friday, June 8th at 7pm ~ Brookline, MA

Sunday, June 10th at 2pm ~ Chicago, IL

**********

In non-related news, my friend (Kara) knit me a Gryffindor scarf for Ron Weasely.  And he also got a red wig.

A ridiculous, ridiculous red wig.

It might need trimming for historical accuracy.

IMG_2465

**********

Still nothing witty to add.  I apologize.  I’m not quite myself today.  I blame Ron Weasely’s wig.  To make it up to you I’m giving away a few copies of the Australian, UK  and audio versions of my book.  Just leave a comment telling me which one you want, y’all.

Thank you. Seriously.

This isn’t a real post.  It’s a thank you.

Thank you because for the third week in a row Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is on the NYT list.  Thank you because today is the premiere of my book in the UK.  Thank you for making the tour so successful that they’ve added another leg (or two) of the tour.  I still don’t know how this happened, but I do know who to thank.

Thank you.

Leg two of the Let's Pretend This Never Happened Tour

Click on the links for all the gory details:

May 16th ~ 7pm : Atlanta, Georgia

May 17th ~ 7pm : Concord, North Carolina

May 19th ~ 4:40pm : Gaithersburg Book Festival

May 20th ~ 2pm : Annapolis, Maryland

Will you come?  Pretty please?

PS.  This is where I’d put something funny and clever but I’m not funny because I have tonsillitis, sinusitis, bronchitis and Ancient-King-Midas.

PPS.  That’s sick humor.  It doesn’t translate well.  I apologize.

Ron Weasel-y

Remember last month when I added Ermione Granger to my collection of ethically taxidermied creatures who look great in clothes?  And then I said the next step would be to find Ron Weasel-y and then Victor threatened to divorce me if I didn’t stop buying dead animals?

Well, my marriage is still intact because this morning I woke up to find a very special surprise package from my friend, Lindsay.

IT’S RON WEASEL-Y, YOU GUYS:

IMG_2455

Honestly, it’s like they were made for each other.
IMG_2463
Next step…Draco Mousefoy.

PPS.  As requested, more book tour dates coming soon!  Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Gaithersburg, Annapolis and more!  Details to come…

Subtle bribery

I’m still in full tour mode (next stop Florida!) so to make it up to you for being MIA I’m giving out a signed copy of the UK version of my book and a signed copy of the audiobook (which includes an extra chapter, me singing the titles, and a blooper reel).  All you have to do is leave a comment saying whether you want the paper version or the audio version and I’ll randomly select some winners.

The UK edition is a tad more whimsical on the outside. Same guts though.

In other tour news, looks like I’ll be adding a few more cities to the tour so I’ll keep you posted on that.

I’m doing in-store Skype events if you happen to be in Cincinatti’s JOSEPH-BETH BOOKSELLERS May 9th or Lansing, Michigan’s SCHULER BOOKS & MUSIC on May 10th.  (They’ll have signed bookplates on-hand.)  Also, I’m signing books in person in Florida this Friday, and in Gaithersburg, MD on the 19th.  I’ll add some more dates soon, and then I’ll turn into a hermit for the rest of my life, so if you want a signed copy of my book you better strike now before I go into seclusion forever.

A huge thanks to each and everyone one of you for supporting me on this terrible and wonderful roller coaster.  I know there have been book shortages around, but the good news is that the books out right now are all first editions so if you can find one you’ve got a collectors item.  One that will probably really be worth something several decades after we’re all dead.

PS.  If you want to buy the UK version it comes out on May 10th and you can get it at Amazon UK, Waterstones, and Independent UK bookstores.

UPDATED:  Winners ~ Daryk Masterson and Rob R.  Thanks so much, everyone!

What happens on tour stays all over the internet

I’ve been on a bit of a whirlwind book tour and I haven’t had much time to let you know what’s been going on, so I’m going to do a quick update pulled directly from my journal:

************

My editor couldn’t decide between a bottle of wine or a hat made from actual roadkill as a book pub date gift.  I think she made the right choice:

His feet make excellent ear muffs.

************

I think I’m at a fancy hotel because I can’t tell what’s in the bottles.  At no point on this bottle does it say that it’s lotion.  I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen.  I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.

I still took it home.

************

Same hotel.  I want a cheeseburger so I call for room service.  They reply, “Did you mean Womb Service?”  No.  No, I certainly did not and I can’t imagine enough people are making this mistake to make it worthy of that follow up question.

Also, yes, of course I have pictures:

For when you need a cheeseburger. In your birth canal.

 ************

One of these is toothpaste.  The other is clearasil.

They do not taste the same.  Ask me how I know.

************

I went to a tv interview but they neglected to tell me that it was live TV in Hollywood before a studio audience and so I was sort of petrified.  But then I took all my anti-anxiety drugs and I felt better (and woozie) until I stepped into the makeup room and there was a brunette in curlers with black glasses and I was all “Bitch stole my look” and then she said “Excuse me?” and I tried to explain myself but I was too mumbly to makes sense and then she took her hair out of the curlers AND IT WAS LISA LOEB.

Lisa Loeb isn't in this picture because I ran away from her as soon as I possibly could because I'd been mortified enough. She was very nice though.

I signed several boobs and one moob and some dead frogs.  I’ll sign anything.

No, really. Anything.

People brought me awesome, bizarre things.  Including a Tupperware bowl with an edible version of the dead mouse on the cover of my book:

No shit, y'all.

It tasted adorable.  And suspicious.  I was very hungry.

 ************

I spoke in a quavering voice between a variety of dumpsters.

Dumpsters not shown.

And people laughed.

That empty seat was reserved for Nathan Fillion. Just in case.

And it was good.

More to come (including new tour dates!)…