Category Archives: Nathan Fillion: It’s complicated

Submitted without comment…

…Except that I’m totally going to comment because I can’t shut up.  If you weren’t reading here a year and a half ago you are totally not going to understand this but I can’t really explain it because I sort of implied that I wouldn’t talk about it anymore, but there is no fucking way that I can’t post this, so let me just say that 1) I love Nathan Fillion and no one should fuck with him or even mention this to him because I think it makes him sad and even God cries when Captain Mal is sad, and 2) celebrities holding random, bizarre things for the joy of being silly automatically soaks up oil spills and makes kitten’s eyes extra shiny.

And so, without further ado, a 51st-century rogue time agent (slash) Doctor’s companion just being fucking awesome:

The man manages to make everything look sexy. I’m pretty sure he impregnated that spool just by holding it.

PS.  Special thanks to the fantastic John Barrowman and to my sweet friend Maria.

PPS.  This doesn’t count as a real post.  I’ll post something real in a minute after you’ve had a second to fist-pump with glee and/or be extremely confused.

YOU GUYS.

Okay, if you aren’t an avid reader of this blog this will make no sense at all so just skip to the post I wrote this morning about taxidermy robot mice instead.

For everyone else who has been here long enough to understand The Great Twine Debacle of 2012 please read on…

I’m just now catching up on last week’s Doctor Who, and there’s a scene at the beginning where he’s being searched and exactly what comes out of his pocket?

The Doctor's Pockets. Which would make an excellent episode, now that I think about it. Please get on this, Neil Gaiman.

The Doctor: "I would like a receipt for that."

You know what that is? THAT'S TWINE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Is it a random coincidence?  Possibly.  Except that most Whovians agree there are no random coincidences when it comes to Doctor Who.  Only awesomeness.  And twine.

Also, it’s ridiculous how happy this bit of random nonsense makes me and I choose to believe that it is a special message to all of us about the importance of being ridiculously silly whenever possible.

Thank you, Doctor.  You have no idea how much I needed that.

I don't know who made this image so I can't credit them, but this is one of my favorite Doctor quotes ever and it fits so damn well here. (ETA: The artist is Mel Siermaczeski. Click image for link.)

PS. For fellow Whovians, tomorrow is Impossible Astronaut Day.  Thought you should know:

I suspect I’ve set a record for not being chosen to be on game shows

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  I think if I was ever on a game show and I didn’t know the answer I’d just say “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” because then the host would be forced to say “No.  That is incorrect.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  So basically Pat Sajak would be on tv implying that children should be forcibly put on spikes.  And then I’d be like “Well, I want a second opinion, Pat.  Because children are not kabobs.

Victor:  I’m not even listening to you anymore.

***********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by So Then…Stories, where Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters and blunders – and invites you to do the same.  I highly recommend.

The end of Nathan Fillion

I’m torn about even posting this but I think I owe it to Nathan Fillion to make sure that people on my blog and on twitter know that he finally responded to the eternal twine joke and that he declined publicly on reddit so we should just leave him alone.

A very sweet fan asked on reddit if he was aware of our request for a ridiculous picture of himself holding twine and he responded to her:

From Nathan:

Sigh. Please understand. I’m an actor. I act, tell stories, all for a living. My job is not to respond to every demand placed upon me from an audience on the Internet. I don’t do those things because I don’t feel it’s right to ask. I don’t ask those things of my gardener, the guy at the car wash, or the kid who bags my groceries. Why ask it of someone because they are an actor? Is that being fair? The argument could be made that its only one request, but then how many people would be unhappy that it wasn’t their request I responded to? Not all actors care about things like this, but I do. It’s just a product of my experience. The more people push, the meaner it gets, the more uncomfortable it is for me. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I hope we can all put it in the past with no hard feelings. I don’t have any.

My response:

Hi. I’m the chick who asked for the twine picture a billion years ago (in internet time). Thanks so much for finally answering this question. Without a response I had no way of knowing if you were okay with me continuing to joke about it or not, but now that I know I can happily give up my ridiculous quest. Thanks for responding and I wish you luck in your fabulous career. Please know that I only chose you because you seem like a good sport, you’re as active on twitter as I am and I’ve always loved your work.

Just to answer a few other questions brought up here in the comments, I did originally offer Nathan $750 for himself or for his charity to take the picture (because as an author I’m a big fan of his get-kids-to-read-charity). After that it just became a running gag that I thought wouldn’t hurt someone of his stature from my little blog. When I go on book tour (leaving again in a few days) “Has Nathan Fillion ever held twine” is the number one question I get. People love you and so they want that connection with you and think it’s easy to think that we all have a one-on-one connection with you.

On the other side of the coin, I’m asked for ridiculous things and pictures all of the time and try to do them because I only have 1/6th of the twitter audience that you have and so it’s easier for me. Also, my only job is to be a storyteller so I have much more time to be ridiculous. (And I’m not referring to being a “famous blogger” which I would never classify myself as. I {surprisingly} have a book on the NYT list about all the ways that I have mortified myself. It’s a very thick book.)

I do appreciate you taking the time to answer this and from now on when people ask if you’ve taken the twine picture instead of answering “I still have hope” I will say that you’ve respectfully declined and I’m sure my fans will just be happy that you responded.

Thanks for not having any hard feelings and good luck with all you do in the future!

In related news (and this is the last I will say on the subject out of respect for Nathan Fillion’s feelings) my husband is my gardener, the guy who washes my car and the person who helps me with my groceries and he said he didn’t really want to pose with a ball of twine either.

Point, Nathan Fillion.

MAGIC!

Okay, I’m still raising ads for Pony Danza but we need to take a time out right now because, YOU GUYS.

This is a picture of the lovely Anne Wheaton (who once made me nachos) being pleasantly manhandled by Nathan Fillion as Wil Wheaton photo bombs the whole thing.

Awesome.

What makes this already perfect picture a thousand times better?  Wil assures me that his pockets totally were stuffed with twine at the time.  Thus, we now have the first picture of Nathan Fillion with twine.  Granted, the twine isn’t visible, but I think the magnificent photo bomb makes up for that, don’t you?

Never change, Wil Wheaton.

Never change.

Normal squirrels don’t sit like that. Just saying.

My friend April from Regretsy practically threatened to stab me in the face when she thought I’d outbid her on this insane taxidermied squirrel who is flashing his little squirrel nut-sack at the world.  (Click the link.  You need to see this shit.)  I assured April that she was very off-base, as we were BOTH being outbid on it.  I considered telling her we should pool our resources and just share the squirrel like recently divorced parents, but then I saw this little treasure:

Well, hello there.

And yes, at first I saw what you’re probably seeing….a strangely posed, non-nutsacked, extremely dead squirrel in a very unnatural position.  And then I looked  a little closer and realized that my current cell phone cover is cracked and that this would make a fucking fantastic replacement.  Not just because it would be fuzzyy and ergonomic if I need to hold it against my shoulder, but also because it would hardly ever get lost in my purse, and no one would accidentally pick up my phone thinking it was theirs.  Plus, when I put my phone on the table at restaurants it would just look like a squirrel was hanging out with me, and squirrels only hang out with cool people.  And if I put my phone on vibrate the squirrel would buzz across the table like he was alive and growling.

It’s like the best accessory ever.

me, on my squirrel phone

PS.  I probably should have waited until the bidding was over before I posted about this.  Damn it, Jenny.

PPS.  If you only check my blog once a day you may have missed it yesterday when I promised Simon Pegg that I’d leave Nathan Fillion alone and then my good karma was reward by Wil Wheaton and Jeri Ryan and the whole world sending me pictures of their spatulas.

Just your typical Monday, really.

UPDATED X 7: YOU’RE RUINING NATHAN FILLION FOR ME, NATHAN FILLION. Alternate title: But I forgive you.

Updated to add:  Nathan Fillion has said he most emphatically does NOT want to hold twine so please do not ask him.  And it’s fine.  He’s still great and Firefly being cancelled was one of the greatest travesties to happen to our generation.  Also, this whole debacle lead to this bit of fried fantasticalness…

Conversation with my friend, Maile

me: Sooo…Nathan Fillion is making me doubt my own existence.

Maile: Um…what?

me:  I’ve been asking him for a picture of himself holding twine for almost a year now, and he refuses to acknowledge me or the  thousands of other people asking for twine pictures.

Maile:  Why exactly are thousands of people asking him for twine pictures?

me:  It’s sort of a long story.  A year ago I asked everyone on the internet to send me 11 cents so I could buy a taxidermied pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara, but then the pig deal fell through and so I decided to offer the $402 I raised to Nathan Fillion if he’d send me a picture of himself holding twine.

Maile:  Yeah.  This is really just raising more questions than it’s answering.

me:  Right.  Well, I already had my Wil-Wheaton-Collating-Paper page which Wil lovingly donated so that he could help me rid the internet of the scourge of unsolicited blog pitches

Maile:  I love that page.

me: EVERYONE loves that page.  That page is why Wil Wheaton will be welcomed into heaven even if he starts murdering baby kittens for fun.  And I thought it would be nice to have a Nathan Fillion-Holding-Twine picture as a bookend page to deter PR people who continue to send you the same pitch every 12 hours even though you keep asking them to remove you from their lists.

Maile:  Got it.  So you were doing this for America?

me:  I WAS DOING THIS FOR THE WORLD.  Then 6 months ago I went to his hometown and tried to extend an olive branch but then he ditched me at the pizza place we were supposed to meet at.

Maile:  He actually said he’d meet you?

me:  I tweeted him that he should say nothing if he was planning on coming.  He said nothing.  I thought it was implied.  Then I may have posted some artfully nude pictures of him (superimposed with twine) but they were all very flattering.  And then I accidentally started a rumor that Little Wayne died, but I cleared that right up because I’m responsible.  Unlike Nathan Fillion, who can’t be bothered to show up where he’s implicitly promised to eat pizza with me.

Maile: Wow.  I don’t…even know how to respond to that.  Sounds like ol’ Nater-Tater is afraid of commitment.

me:  Exactly.  Plus?  That’s the best nickname in the world.  I’m stealing that.

Maile: It belongs to the world.

me:  JUST LIKE THE NON-EXISTENT PICTURE OF NATER-TATER HOLDING TWINE.  So anyway, last week I got sad that Nater-Tater was still refusing to acknowledge my existence so I asked Simon Pegg for a picture of him holding twine.

Maile:  Who?

me:  I will cut you.

Maile:  I’m not good with names.

me: He’s the star of Shaun of the Dead.

Maile: OH!  I LOVE HIM.

me:  We all love him.  He’s Simon Pegg.  But I needed to get his attention so I asked everyone to tweet “simonpeggholdingtwine” and it became a twitter trend WORLDWIDE for like eight and a half minutes.

True story, y'all.

Maile:  That’s awesome.  And…bizarre.

me:  It gets weirder, because then SIMON PEGG TOTALLY SENT ME A PICTURE OF HIMSELF HOLDING TWINE.  Except that all you could see was his hand holding twine and it wasn’t really proper twine, but still…the man tried.  And then the internet rejoiced and Simon was named a God amongst men, but I still wondered why Nathan wouldn’t respond.  And then this weekend I just gave up and said “@NathanFillion, should I just give up on my dream of you ever holding twine?  Let a girl down gently.”  And he said he was very sorry for disappointing his #1 super-fan.

Maile:  Really?

me:  No, of course not.  He completely ignored me again.  I mean, how hard is it to say “I’m allergic to twine,” or “I appreciate ignoring your pain.”

Maile:  Maybe he’s just playing hard to get.  Or maybe he just uses his twitter pictures for important things.

me:  Yeah.  Like when he put up that series of pictures showing how his rash was spreading.  And once?  He posted a picture of a fake dead cat with ketchup all over it.

Maile: You’re joking.

me:  I’M NOT JOKING.  THAT’S THE SAD, TERRIBLE TRUTH OF NATHAN FILLION.  Then a few weeks ago one of my readers met him and asked why he wouldn’t do it and he said “Oh, I don’t do stuff like that.”  And by “stuff like that” I assume he means “Anything awesome that makes people smile“.  Which makes me sad for Nater-Tater.  And sad for the world.

Maile:  So what happened to the money you were going to spend on Nathan Fillion?

me:  I used part of it to take a 50 year old cuban alligator dressed as a pirate on a plane ride.  And the rest went to helping orphans.

Maile: Hmm.

me:  Orphan cats really.  But still.

Maile:  You know, maybe this is less about Nater-Tater’s inability to hold twine and more about his super-human ability to ignore people.

me:  Like that’s his super power?  You know, that would actually make sense because HE’S SO GOOD AT IT.  I mean, the man is dedicated.  I’ll give him that.

Maile:  Ignoring you is his super-power.  And twine is his kryptonite.  And I think we just solved Nathan Fillion.

me:  Yes, but understanding Nater-Tater doesn’t get me a twine picture to use to battle evil form letters.  Unless…

Maile:  Yes.  I like where this is heading.

me:  What if I just recognize the fact that Nathan Fillion has a damn passion for ignoring people and – instead of using a picture of him holding twine to ward off marketers – I USE NATER-TATER HIMSELF.  From now on, whenever I get a particularly harassing marketer who won’t take me off the list I’ll just tell them that they need to check with Nater-Tater because he approves all of my reviews.  Then I get rid of the marketers and he gets to ignore me, plus TONS of new people.  EVERYBODY WINS.

Maile:  Oh.  My.  God.  He is going to love you.

me:  Not just me.  EVERYONE.  Got a telemarketer that won’t leave you alone?  Tell them to call Nathan Fillion. Creepy neighbor won’t stop asking you to look at his suspicious back moles?  Tell him he needs to ask Nathan Fillion first.  Bill collector won’t stop calling?  Tell them that Nater-Tater handles all of your finances.  THIS COULD CHANGE LIVES.

Maile:  Or really annoy Nathan Fillion.

me:  Who, Nater-Tater?  No way.  If anything he’ll probably want to thank me.

Maile:  With a picture of twine.

me:  That man owes me.

PS. A special note to Nathan Fillion:  As always, I adore you.  It’s almost like you planned this on purpose. In fact, I suspect you did and that’s why I would like to thank you, Nater-Tater, for being the kind of man who forces me think so much larger than a simple twine shot. One tiny twine picture might have brought light and laughter to thousands of people for a few days, but this could bring me joy FOR YEARS.

PPS.  Here is the fabulous picture of Simon Pegg holding twine, because I think it’s selfish to not share this with the rest of the world:

The man is a damn saint.

PPPS.  Phrases now a permanent part of the bloggess lexicon:

Pulling a Nathan Fillion:  Someone who refuses to play along with – or even acknowledge – your twine-based games.  May cause you to doubt your own existence.

Being a Wil Wheaton:  Like being an Eagle Scout of awesome.  Surfing the cusp of weirdness in search of maidens to rescue.  Except that I think “maidens” implies “virgins”.  So change “maidens” to “unseemly wenches with hearts of gold”.

Throwing a Simon Pegg:  Being an excellent sport even when completely baffled, because there’s simply no reason not to do something random and silly to bring joy into the lives of others.

Becoming a bloggess:  Tenaciously taking a joke way too far for the sake of sheer ridiculousness.  Might be considered dangerous.  Approach with caution and a booze slushee.

UPDATED, day 2:  I have given up on Nathan Fillion ever giving us a picture holding twine, but something happened a few minutes ago which gave me both hope and closure on this whole tumultuous year of vaguely pathetic begging…

Penn Jillette just sent us a picture of himself holding twine to help heal our pain.  Unsolicited.  With nothing asked for in return.  Just a picture of himself holding (PROBABLY MAGICAL) twine simply to brighten our day with furious joy.

He makes it look so easy, doesn't he?

We all owe Penn Jillette a drink.  Just lemonade though because the man never drinks booze.  Conclusion: Penn Jillette is better than tacos and is saving us all money.  Follow that man.  

UPDATE #3:  Is this the longest, most convoluted post ever?  Probably.  But it’s worth it because we’re almost done forever.  So in the latest turn, the always awesome Simon Pegg has asked that we leave Nathan Fillion alone because it’s starting to get a bit insane even for us.  I agree and I have apologized to Nater-Tater for bothering him and I have assured him that I will never ask him for twiney pictures again.  Unless I’m really, really drunk.  But then I felt a bit dejected and so I told everyone that instead we should really just concentrate on more important things, like helping homeless kids.  And getting Jeri Ryan to hold a spatula.  Then I immediately said I was just kidding about Jeri because I was really sort of ready for this to all be over and I didn’t have the strength to go into another year of asking one of my internet heroes for a picture of them doing something random for the sake of pure silliness.

And then something magical happened…

Jeri L. Ryan ~ Practically a gooddess.

And she wasn’t alone.  Hundreds of people started sharing pictures of themselves standing randomly with their spatulas, and in a matter of minutes I was flooded such awesomeness I may have gotten a little teary.  Also, Wil showed up again (with murderous spatula), proving that awesomeness is not just a fluke.

Wil Wheaton: "AAAAHHHHH IT CAME TO LIFE AND IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!11"

(Also, almost $500 was raised for overnight bags for homeless kids in under an hour because you’re all amazing.)  And then the spell was broken and my appetite for random pictures was sated, and Neil Patrick Harris probably drew a great sigh of relief because I bet he knew in his heart that he would have been next.

This is the point where I would say something witty to wrap this whole thing up but I don’t feel witty.  I feel grateful.  Thank you to every single one of you, for listening, for not taking me seriously, for taking me just seriously enough, and for coming along on this ridiculous, furiously happy voyage with me.

Seriously.  Thank you.

UPDATED FOR (I SWEAR TO GOD, PROBABLY) THE LAST TIME:  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better:

MATTHEW BRODERICK HOLDING A SPOON:

So. Fucking. Awesome.

And what’s even more awesome about this is that Matthew Broderick isn’t even on twitter and he still wanted me to have this because he reads this blog.  Seriously, y’all.  My cat’s namesake intentionally shared a picture of himself holding something random just to celebrate the weirdness.  Best ending ever.

PS. Over $1200 was raised for homeless kids donated in honor of the amazing people who joined in the ridiculous silliness of this entire, strange saga.  Thank you from me and from the 60 children who will each be getting a security blanket, stuffed animal and a book to make life a little less serious as well.

You rock.  All of you.

UPDATED AGAIN BECAUSE I’M A LIAR ABOUT NOT UPDATING ANYMORE:  Victor just woke me up to tell me that Brian Boitano had just tweeted me a picture of himself holding twine.  Then he yelled “THAT’S WHAT BRIAN BOITANO WOULD DO” and then I realized it was probably the apocalypse because Victor was actually on twitter.  And also because BRIAN BOITANO WAS HOLDING TWINE.

I bet he'd kick an ass or two. THAT'S what Brian Boitano would do.

UPDATE # I-DON’T-EVEN-KNOW-ANYMORE:

Matthew Broderick sees your twine and raises you a spatula and a confusingly-cooked egg.

I’d just like to add that for the most part everyone has taken this in the spirit in which it was written…as a silly, ridiculous post to remind us all to giggle a little bit more than we already are.  A very, very small number of people (mostly all brand new to this blog) instead focused on “what an asshole Nathan Fillion is” or “what an asshole people who think Nathan Fillion is an asshole are.”  I’d like to point out that both sets of people are wrong, as this amazingness could not have happened without Nathan Fillion’s actions, and I’d like to think that he somehow planned this all, because that way I can still watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog without feeling like Nathan Fillion now hates me.  Sometimes you have to get ignored by Nathan Fillion to get a picture of Matthew Broderick holding a spoon.  That’s just life.  A terrible, terrible analogy for life.

But an apt one.

And that’s why I’d like to thank you, Nathan Fillion, for inspiring a post that brought laughter to so many.  I hope it brings you laughter as well because it would make me very sad to think that anyone felt like less of a person just for something as silly as a twine picture.  Strangely enough, I know how that feels, and I also know how it feels to be rescued from that sadness by someone else reaching out a hand (or spatula).  And that’s why instead of asking you for a picture of you holding twine, I’m giving you one.

Of me.

Holding twine.

#mewithtwine

Thank you, Nathan Fillion.  Wherever you are.

 UPDATED TIMES ELEVENTY BILLION:

NEVER CHANGE, INTERNET.

UPDATED X I-don’t-even-know-anymore:

That's right. Sean Maher from Serenity. HOLDING TWINE. My work here is done.

The James Garfield Christmas (And Hanukah) Miracle Returns. Sort of.

This post is going to be crazy-ass hard to follow but it’s probably worth it, so buckle-up, buttercup.

Last year my lovely readers accidentally forced me to save Christmas by making me let them buy Christmas presents for children who might not have had any otherwise.  It’s hard to explain, so instead I’m going to send you to a link explaining how a giant, taxidermied boar’s head (named James Garfield) led to strangers donating over $40,000 to other strangers in what was probably the most baffling and profanity-filled Christmas miracle ever.  It was awesome.

This year I’ve had a lot of people ask if I’m doing the accidental-Christmas-miracle again this year and my first reaction was a resounding, “Oh, hell no.”

And that’s still my reaction.

But here’s the thing…almost all of the people asking if I’m doing the Christmas Miracle again this year are the people who were helped last year.  Except that this year they want to give back, because they were so moved by the way strangers reached out to help them last year that they want to pay it forward.

Holy crap, you people make it difficult to be all hard and grinchy.  And I suppose that’s why I love you. Grudgingly.  And completely.

But here’s the problem:  Last year I was so completely overwhelmed and exhausted that I found myself in a stress-induced rheumatoid arthritis flare-up that made me want to cut off all of my limbs.  And then I’d just be a torso.  No one wants that.

Tons of people have offered to help, but honestly the whole thing sounds suspiciously like a plot to make me lead some sort of annual charitable, good-will organization and I think I speak for all of us when I say that that is a terrible idea.  My skills are much used in buying giant metal chickens, and harassing Nathan Fillion It’s what I do.

So for the last month I’ve been thinking about what I could do to still help people while not actually having to do any work whatsoever.  And I think I have it.  Lightly organized good-deed doing.  Like, almost not organized at all.  Practically chaos, really.  Which is, I think, what you’ll all agree that I excel in.  So here’s how we’re doing The Second (and possibly last) Annual James Garfield Christmas (and Hanukkah) Miracle(s):

Miracle # 1:  Right now there are more more homeless children living in shelters in the U.S. since the Great Depression.  There’s an organization called Project Night Night that donates over 25,000 free Night Night Packages to homeless kids each year.  Each package contains a new security blanket, a children’s book and a stuffed animal, all nestled in a new canvas tote bag.  The organization needs at least 750 bags right now.  They’re $20 each, and you can sponsor a Night Night Package for a child by clicking here.

Miracle #2:  Toys for Tots.  Every year Victor and I donate a shitload of toys in my parent’s name. We take pictures of the donation and then give the pictures to my parents and thank them for teaching me the importance of giving to others.  End result:  Kids get presents and my parents feel awesome for raising me right (even though a horrible side-effect is that they haven’t gotten a proper Christmas present from us in a decade.)  But they’re cool with it because they’re not assholes.  My point is that you should consider doing this for your parents, because if they make you feel crappy about it they’re terrible people and don’t deserve proper presents anyway.  Moving on.

Miracle #3:  The Heifer Project.  Basically it’s about giving livestock and training to families around the world, because llamas are awesome.  Or something.  I don’t know.  I get confused after I see the llamas.  But I do know that they do amazing work and that you can buy a share of a goat for $10.  Which is great because you’re helping a family in need and you also get to tell your horrible aunt Frieda (who made you feel fat when you were 12 and won’t stop asking why you aren’t married yet) that for Christmas you bought a share of a goat in her honor.  The ass end.  Merry Christmas to everyone concerned.

Miracle #4:  This one is closest to last year’s bonanza, but I’m also shining a blinking “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” sign here because this one takes some trust.  There’s a website called Wish Upon a Hero.  The premise is that anyone can post a wish for something they need.  Sometimes people ask for encouragement, or for cards to cheer up a sick kid, or for clothes, toys, food, whatever.  If you’re someone currently in need of help, sign up and make a wish.  If you want to give help to someone in need then sign up and go here to find the kind of wish you want to grant.   It can be as simple as a word of encouragement or winter coats for children.  Your choice.

Miracle #5:  Just by reading this far you have already donated.  Tonight I’m donating $1,000 to the places above in the name of “You and everyone you know.”  And before you think this is totally selfless, please know that the $1,000 came from my online store, so technically  this money came from you anyway.  That’s why it is entirely ethical for you to tell friends and family that this year instead of giving out gifts you’re just giving to charity.  And that way you can use the money you would have spent on crap-for-people-who-don’t-need-more-crap on something more useful instead.  Like mortgages.  And pie.  And goat asses for bitter aunts who need to learn to mind their own damn business.

The fine print:   If you’re inspired to donate, please feel free to leave a comment telling us what you’re doing.  I loved seeing that stuff come in last year and I know it was inspiring to others as well.

If you leave a comment asking for help you can link to your Wish Upon a Hero post, but please don’t leave your email or contact info in your comment or it won’t get posted.

If you want to share a link of another charity that you love, or links to resources that people can use if they need help please do so.

And finally…thank you.  Thanks for listening, and for caring, and for reading this far.  

We’re all in this together, people.  

UPDATED:  I just bought a llama.  In a shopping cart.  Technology is weird.  And awesome.

Wil Wheaton made my heart grow three sizes

I’ve written before about the ridiculous things that make me #furiouslyhappy.  This one’s going on that list.

This weekend is Dragon*Con, and if you’re anything like me, you wish you were there, while simultaneously being so glad to avoid the throngs of people that would surely bring on massive panic attacks.  If you’re anything like 90% of the rest of the world, you have no damn idea what Dragon*Con even is, and you also wonder when you got so old, and why beards are so complicated nowadays.  Luckily, almost all of my readers are the cool 10% who realize that Dragon*Con is the biggest pop culture/sci fi convention in the world, or who will pretend they already knew that right after reading this sentence.

But this is beside the point.  The point is that this weekend I was flooded with emails from people at Dragon*Con telling me that Wil Wheaton was speaking, and signing autographs.  Autographs of himself COLLATING PAPER.  (Confused?  See this post.)

In fact, my tenacious friend Sarah braved the lines to get me this:

Wil Wheaton: He's a goddamn gentleman.

That’s right, y’all.  That’s a photo that I’m posting on my blog – of Wil Wheaton signing a photo that I posted on my blog.  And I’m pretty sure this is how wormholes get started.

Worth it.

**********

In other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my fabulously talented friends, Nees and Vos.  They’re awesome and I have nothing sarcastic to say about them.  Seriously, go listen to their new single (Burn Me Down) and if you don’t think it’s awesome I will give you a dollar.  Or kick you.  One of those.

It’s been a very long two weeks. Get prepared.

I’ve been traveling a lot for the last two weeks and so I’m tempted to do what I usually do and just forget to post any of it, but instead I’m going to hit the major points of the last few weeks as copied directly from my journals, twitter and shit I wrote on the back of napkins.  It’s going to be confusing as hell and you can totally skip it.

Where I’ve been the last few weeks, part 1:  THE NATHAN FILLION SAGA

Remember six months ago when I asked everyone on twitter to send me 11 cents and I ended up with $402, which I was going to use to buy a taxidermied pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara?  Me either.  But it happened.  Then the pig deal went pear-shaped, so instead I decided to offer the money to Nathan Fillion for a picture of himself holding twine, because I thought it would go well with the picture Wil Wheaton sent me of himself collating paper.  Nathan Fillion ignored numerous requests, so instead I did the next logical thing and used the money to take a Cuban, amputee alligator named Jean-Pierre (who was dressed as a pirate) on a plane trip.

Still, the people demanded photos of Nathan Fillion holding twine and still, Nathan Fillion tossed his manly hair and ignored us in the most handsomely rugged way he possibly could.  Yes, it was disappointing for all of us, but the masses came to the rescue and sent me tens of pictures of Nathan Fillion holding twine.  They were all were photoshopped.  This one was my favorite.

trashtwine

This one was nice too:

fillion with twine
But even now, half a year later, people still ask me “Did Nathan Fillion ever send you a picture of himself holding twine?” and I answer (with a touch of melancholy and stoic braveness), “No.  But I still have hope.”

So that’s why (when I went to California two weeks ago to visit my sister) I decided to once again extend an olive branch to Nathan Fillion the only way I knew how…by annoyingly harrassing him on twitter.

A series of one-sided tweets I sent to Nathan Fillion over a 12 hour period:

@nathanfillion ~ I just realized that we’re BOTH in California today. How many other people can say that? It’s probably a sign we should meet.”

@nathanfillion - I can come to you. Or we can meet at Shakey’s. I’m totally craving pizza. I’ll bring the twine.”

@nathanfillion : I am totally not dangerous. Just ask half of my 140k followers. (The other half are liars.)”

@nathanfillion - I just realized that I wasn’t even following you. WTF, me? No wonder you haven’t dmed me. I look like an idiot.”

@nathanfillion - I cannot find any twine in Hollywood. It’s no wonder you’ve had such a hard time. I apologize. Let’s switch to dental floss.”

@nathanfillion - I’ll be at Shakey’s Pizza in about 30 mins. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume you’re on your way.”

@nathanfillion - Great! I’ll see you there. First round’s on me.”

“Surprising all nay-Sayers, @nathanfillion came to Shakeys. He was disguised as an elderly Asian woman & refused to break character.”

“Say what you want about @nathanfillion, but the man knows how to commit to a role.”

*****

PS. My sister and I tried to convince Shakey’s to change the sign outside to say “WELCOME, NATHAN FILLION” but it already said “Happy 6th birthday, Kevin” and they said they didn’t want to change it because they suspected that Nathan Fillion wasn’t really coming to meet me there.  Apparently Nathan Fillion has gained quite a reputation around town.

I’m happy to say though that that reputation was unfounded:

Me and Nathan Fillion in Hollywood.

PPS.  That’s not a real picture of me and Nathan Fillion in Hollywood.  I apologize.  It’s one of those pictures you get on Hollywood Boulevard where some guy in a street kiosk digitally makes you look like you’re standing next to someone famous for $15.  I asked for Nathan Fillion and the vender was like “Who?  I have no idea who that is.”  The girl behind me asked for “Little Weezy” and vender guy was all “Him again?  Everyone wants their picture taken with this Weezy!”  Then I was like, “Isn’t she dead?” and the girl screamed “LITTLE WAYNE DIED?” and I was like “Oh, no.  I thought you were talking about the lady from The Jeffersons.  Little Wayne is fine.”  It was an emotional day for everyone concerned.

PPS.  I still believe in you, Nathan Fillion.