Google: Helpful and non-judgemental.
So apparently my blog went viral and/or bacterial with my last post. This seems like the kind of thing people dream about, but since I don’t get paid by traffic it really just meant that my servers crashed and a lot of angry people yelled at me that I should kill myself in really creative (and violently misspelled) ways. Which actually? Was kind of hysterical, and Victor and I cannot stop quoting you. Well done, you.
For those of you who are new here and who actually want to stick around, welcome. And also I’m sorry. Normally this would be a moderately clever paragraph about wolverines or giant squid, but I’m in Puerto Rico this week and I’m just too sleepy to be witty. Luckily, I’ve made a t-shirt for you. (Also available in infant sizes.)
And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
What you missed in my shop, tentatively “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s round-up sponsored by the dangerously awesome people at Credit Karma, who want to help you save your money. They’ve been featured everyplace from CNN to the New York Times but they’re open-minded enough to realize that being featured on irreverent blogs like this one can be just as valid. This either means they are brilliant or completely daft. Either way, you should check them out.
Still working on my book (last two chapters due in a week) so once again, I have another round of random text messages and status updates that my very odd and fabulously entertaining friend (Lisa G) has sent. I plan on paying her back with the second chupacabra I ever capture.
Deep thoughts from Lisa:
I used to get irritated when people would say, ‘This is Ameerca’, leaving the middle of the word ‘America’ out completely. Now I realize they do it as a warning, alerting you that the next statements coming out of their mouth will be both obnoxious and belligerent.
I am glad they cut the funds for the better street signs. We don’t need street signs anymore now that we can all look at google maps while we’re driving.
I was thinking of the James Bond movie, “The World is Not Enough.” Suddenly it struck me as extremely ungrateful.
The world is enough. It is plenty. Thank you.
Bought a live squid at the Mexican market. I am now training it to predict the future.
If you keep shouting like that, you’ll get big muscles all over your face.
My mom cracks me up when she says things like, “I’ve never been around kids that much.” Uh… you had TWO of them.
You can’t make a sandwich without bread. I don’t care WHAT they are doing at KFC. It isn’t right.
I wonder what the Chilean miners think of the tragedy of cruise ship passengers trapped at sea eating sandwiches.
Everyone likes to think the meaning of life is this big important thing, but I have a sneaking feeling it’s just potato chips.
I can’t keep up with high-energy people early in the morning. Or ever, really.
Geico needs a new ad agency. I am going to post some job descriptions on Career Builder for them.
What can selflessness do for ME?
Why do people sing ‘take me out to the ballgame,” when they are already at the ballgame?
I read that men in prison gain weight without realizing it because those bright orange prison jumpsuits do not have waistbands. Which leads us to diet tip number one: Avoid wearing prison jumpsuits.
Just noticed that this Friday is National Mammography Day. Wouldn’t the declaration of this day put unnecessary strain on mammographers? They must be swamped this week.
Feel like I suck at everything today. I don’t even think I am converting oxygen to carbon dioxide properly.
I hope you will all purchase my new self-help book, Indifference. It will change your life but you won’t care.
Dogs are like kids that you can leave home alone at night without CPS finding out and getting all pissed off about it.
The weather lady said that the day is going to be “oppressive”. Prepare yourselves.
Texans don’t take the concept of hell seriously because every year we live through August.
How long do I have to take heroin before I can go into rehab? I figure that should keep me inside for at least the rest of the summer.
I wonder how Lindsay is doing in prison. I should probably give her a call.
We were in Kroger’s yesterday and Tigo wanted a snack. He wanted $30 fruit and cheese tray, but it seemed over-priced, so I made him get a donut. Then I thought… it IS hard for the disadvantaged to make good food choices. Then I thought… OMG, I’m disadvantaged!
I want to become famous so I can publish my diary, making people read it in search of something deep and meaningful they will never, ever find.
Never walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them. People get really mad when you borrow their things without asking.
The future isn’t what it used to be.
I have been instructed by a website to dissolve all my prescription pain relievers into kitty litter before I throw them away. This way, I can save the people waiting by my trashcan to steal them from using them improperly. Humans are weird.
Maybe people digging through trash deserve to have their vicodin untainted by kitty litter.
In order to take your lunch to work, you must transport the food items in the car with you. It is not as effective to pack them up and then leave them sitting on the table.
Went to a party at the house across the street… 3 piñatas! Clearly these are people who know a good time.
This week I’m staying by myself in a haunted hotel to force myself to finish my book (I swear, it will actually worth it) so once again I am leaning on my friend Lisa G to provide guest posts this week (which, as always, are stolen entirely from her old text messages and status updates). I owe her several beers and a donkey. Mano is her husband. Tigo is her son. She is awesome.
Obscure texts from Lisa:
UPDATED: In the last two days Lisa has created her own blog, which is less of a blog and more of an online store to market t-shirts that she refuses to sell or even to create. This is all true.
Remember last week when I said I was crazy-busy and instead of writing a post I was going to just post a bunch of text messages and status updates that my friend Lisa G. had written and you all said “She’s awesome! You should post her text messages several more times this week because this doesn’t seem like you’re phoning it in at all. Also, nice hair. Have you lost weight?” And no, I haven’t lost weight but I do agree that having Lisa guest-post is awesome. Which is why today is another post consisting entirely of non-sequiters from my friend who really does need her own blog.
You’re welcome/I’m sorry:
If I was the most famous person ever, I could sell so much pizza.
ABC World News just informed me that to be happy, I need to be an Asian-American Jewish man. I thought all I needed was prozac. I have a lot of work to do.
Thank you Whole Wheat Pasta company for covering your package with so much information about how healthy your product is, that I can’t figure out how many minutes it takes to cook it.
Why would anyone keep a dog in your purse? FYI…. it is a dog… it could poop there. I am nixing the whole idea.
Somewhere something wonderful is waiting to happen.
Oh. I have just been notified that the wonderful thing already happened. Sorry everyone.
Nope… there was only that one.
My editor is tough, demanding one new book a day. However, he did mention how much he likes the new ninja dog series. Never work for a seven year old. Huge mistake.
Dear Sun Drop soda company: Your commercial is incredibly inane. Is it really a commercial, or just a bad joke? Also, does your product come in diet? I suddenly want one.
Never google how they get the squid ink for black pasta while eating black pasta.
I thought maybe they milked them. This is not the case.
Apparently they harvest it from a sac near the squid’s anus. While I haven’t seen it myself, would definitely NOT recommend the video.
Dear Extreme Survivalist Dude: While I fully support your efforts, one crazy old guy holed up in his cellar with cans of creamed corn is NOT what we will need to repopulate the earth after a nuclear event.
What is up with all this ‘whole grain’ business? Is it okay to eat bread again? Someone tell me now.
No, I will not be running for president. Quit asking me.
Why did God make people eat unleavened bread? What is wrong with leavening?
Saw this thing about plate tectonics. Turns out it is nothing personal. You can’t help being a huge ball of molten lava. These things just happen.
I admire people who invent themselves many times over. I can’t even figure my life out once.
I am watching real reality tv with my kid. Tornados, earthquakes, volcanoes, we are all going to die. Don’t know how we made it this far, actually.
Just one question… who exactly is paying for the sonogram I look at before my abortion? Do we get to keep the pictures even if we go ahead with the procedure? Are souvenir frames available?
It’s not the load that breaks you down. It is the irritating fact that you failed to get someone else to carry it for you.
I think the speeches at the Oscars are so painful because we are used to these people being given lines.
So glad not to be a celebrity. I don’t need my drunken rages all over the National Inquirer.
“The only way to survive is to change.” Today’s quote brought to you by the Discovery Channel and some fish that learned how to fly.
Thanks to Tigo, we have been really into space exploration this week. I do not want to fly to Mars because apparently photons can shoot right into your brain. Who needs that?
No matter what happens in the day, if you have people who love really love you, it makes no difference. The bad stuff just scatters by to remind you what is important.
Today I got stuck at a traffic light next to a dead stinky skunk. All I could think was, would this be happening to me had I gone to Harvard?
Dear AT&T: I don’t want a phone to save me from my phone. How do I know I can trust this new phone once the first one turns against me?
They teach you busy work at school so they can prepare you for life.
Never make excuses. It only brings attention to the things you never intended to do in the first place.
People really love holding decorated poster boards while yelling. I wonder if it is some chemical in the sharpie ink.
I want to buy a lottery ticket. First, I should probably google the winning numbers. Maybe I am not winning because my efforts have been poorly researched.
Went to the store today. Everyone was inexplicably standing right in my way.
OMG… This bowling alley is open 24 hours. WHY?
Having only one kid means I am not running around the bowling alley looking like a homeless person carrying eight pairs of shoes.
At a children’s birthday party: Is every blonde little girl at Tigo’s school named Emily? I need to know if this is a coincidence, or a rule I can apply across the board.
I was hungry for Chick-fil-a on a Sunday, so I came back in time and had some for lunch today.
Out driving on a beautiful day. Patches of stark white ice still huddle into curbs and shade, defiant against the rising sun.
Watching the news… how hard is it to get through life without sending out racy pictures of yourself?
I’m grateful not to work for a news station. I could be standing on an icy bridge with a microphone right now.
Sometimes, when I go to bed early, Harley comes with me. It makes me feel special. Because, if a dog thinks nothing interesting is going to happen without you around, who can argue with that?
Sweet fancy Moses.
Bill O’Reilly is interviewing Obama before the Super Bowl? Is this some pre-game show from the twilight zone?
The store seems crowded. That is okay. Not everyone in this place is willing to take someone out for a bag of limes and a bottle of fabric softener. We will see who comes out of this thing alive. We will see.
Anachronistic quote of the day: ‘Those computer monitors are huge! They must be from the 1920’s or something.’
I wish Christmas music didn’t have the word “Christmas” in it so much.
We were going to start a winter storm shelter for all the drivers who got their cars stuck on the hill by our house. However, when they realized Tigo would be watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, people said they would rather freeze.
Today I am carb loading for a marathon. The one which I will suddenly realize I have not entered.
A lady on the aisle tells her husband, “Joy. We need joy.” Then, I realize they are only talking about dish detergent. But then I think, what the hell, and throw some into my cart too.
Right now I have 3 weeks until my book is due and I’m freaking out and not sleeping and I’m waking Victor up at 4am to say “I’M STILL NOT ASLEEP” and then he throws a pillow at me and tells me to get out because he doesn’t understand that insomnia is slightly less awful if you at least get credit for how much you’re suffering at the moment. But since I’m too freaked to even sleep correctly I’m bringing in my first real guest poster, my friend (Lisa G.) who is the most unintentionally quotable person I’ve ever met (as evidenced by the texts & updates she sends out on her phone every day). She refuses to get on twitter or start a blog and when I told her I was going to put her in the blog she replied that she could not care less what I did with all her texts and status updates and that’s what makes her the perfect guest poster.
As way of introduction, I’ve known Lisa almost half my life and her husband (Mano – pronounced like the disease) and her son (Tigo – age 7) are awesome. Let’s get started. BTW, in real life Lisa is the smartest woman I’ve ever met but when she talks she sounds a lot like if Kenneth from 30 Rock and Brittany from Glee had a baby. She is awesome and I want her to live in my closet. Let’s start.
Texts from Lisa:
Lady working at Kroger told me everyone she knows is dead except her Pomeranian. Then she asked me to try some potato chips.
It was random and strange: the chips were barbeque.
Saw a bumper sticker today, “Deer, Beer, and Trucks: Who needs women?” And I thought, who does need women? Rednecks with stupid bumper stickers are the first people who come to mind.
I love my family, which is a good thing, because it turns out that I spend most of my time with them.
Why are they using hamsters to sell cars? I don’t find them inspiring. They should be using them to sell treadmills.
Saw a woman with a sign on her car that said, ‘Baby Inside.’ I looked in, and there wasn’t even a car seat. I’m hitting her.
I am bored with hearing about the Royal Wedding. Lohan… steal something. Sheen… do something crazy. Hurry please!
I want to go stand outside with the smokers. They look like they are having fun.
I have decided to limit my diet to whatever I feel like eating.
Impulse items at the checkout line… so close to my escape from Wal-mart, I am forced to contemplate my need for a 6 foot roll of bubble tape.
They should really put the milk right there. This is always about the time I realize I forgot it.
I do not like swimwear with jewelry on it. I am going to the pool, not to prom.
Had a wine flight, but I am still here. Slightly disappointed.
I thought a flight would take me to another dimension. My expectations may have been a little high. The wine was very nice.
I want some of those shoes that look like feet. Not because they are good shoes, but because I want to be ironic.
If you aren’t supposed to hit the cars with the ‘Baby On Board’ signs, are the rest of the cars open game?
I am going to run a fake Chick-fil-A which I will only open on Sundays.
I need to start making better excuses. Sorry I won’t be attending the PTA meeting tonight. I need to get home right away to shoot heroin.
The most elegant answer to a problem is not necessarily the most complex.
But the complex answer makes you look smarter, so you should probably go with that.
A compost fair didn’t sound that fun until I realized that it came with a free compost bin! You know… It still doesn’t sound that fun.
I think everyone hates me, but I can’t definitively prove it. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon irritating them to see if they yell at me.
Why am I here? And, more importantly, why aren’t there donuts?
Watching a Disney movie in the dentist waiting room. I should bring Tigo here more often.
At the kid dentist waiting for Tigo. Some guy is on his phone standing right in front of the movie Tangled. Dude… Some of us are trying to watch the girl with the hair!
The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.
Why do we have all of these half-baked plans of how to get to Mars? It looks really boring there and it is obvious there is no Starbucks.
Dear People with ties and clipboards coming up to my door on a Saturday morning. There is nothing in the world I could possibly want from you. Please explain your situation to the large barking and growling dog while I continue to fold laundry.
I just had an epiphany. I came in here to share it with everyone, and realized that Tigo had left the television on. Now I have no more epiphany, and a lot of uneasy questions about a sea-dwelling sponge. Why is he square? Why does he wear pants?
The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.
Everyday Tigo comes home from school with his candy in his backpack and multiple bottles of water. I think they are taking trips to some willie-wonka factory in a desert.
I am going to write a book called, ‘How to be HOT in the kitchen.’ People are going to think it is some sort of self-help erotica, but really it will be a cookbook of very spicy food.
Do you ever meet someone who is a train wreck waiting to happen? I always want to stay away from those. I go for the slower, more unfortunate distasters.
I’m not sure what deeper meaning the movie Shallow Hal was intended to convey. What I learned from it, is that if you look like Gwyneth Paltrow everything you do is cute… Even down to eating half a cake with your bare hands.
I wonder what it is like to walk around all day being evil. It might be nice.
Tigo had a friend stay over. They stayed up late watching science documentaries. I hope this kid comes back. If not, at least he is more familiar with the formation of the universe.
Why do they force crack dealers into the back alleys and then let the girl scouts stand right outside the grocery store with those thin mints? It makes no sense to me.
You know you are too cranky in the morning when you are irritated by bath product labels. Dear Shampoo Bottle: The clean you have supplied me with is NOT invigorating. Please try harder.
If I won the lottery, I would open a new jar of peanut butter every time I wanted some. I love how pristine it is before people start digging their spoons in.
And by ‘people,’ I mean me standing by the counter with a spoon in my kitchen.
Apparently, the universe will be dead in one google years. I don’t care. I won’t miss it.
I prefer my bridges burnt. It gives them a nice glow.
Remember that time you, me, and Stephanie went to Wendi’s and got those new chicken nuggets and they were disappointingly unimpressive? That was a great day.
Tigo has a lego jail set. He keeps asking me about prison life: what they eat, how they get to the cafeteria, etc. I keep using his school as a frame of reference.
I hope I don’t get an invite to the royal wedding. Dinner with dignitaries sounds really tough. I would be sure to use the wrong napkin or something.
Watching Scooby Doo with Tigo… I used to watch these when I was his age and I don’t remember Fred ever having an email account. Next thing you know, Shaggy will be running from a ghost while updating his facebook status.
I want my own business. Should I sell Mary Kay or start a meth lab?
Several people sent me links to this new site that analyzes your past tweets and comes up with what your next tweet will probably be according to your personality and past habits. I assume the average person gets stuff like “I need coffee” and “Good morning everyone!” Not me.
Things that “Yes, That Can Be My Next Tweet” predicts I will say in the near future:
“Quick. Someone get me a replacement cobra.”
“My alligator is worsening. I need an 11 cent payment for a cave.”
“I never thought I’d like a firey crash so much.”
“No, that taxidermied pig dressed as my special lady is not leaving me.”
“I’m ready to hate me now.”
“I NEVER WORE THAT, VICTOR. So stabby.”
“I need two perky young priests and three squirrels. After insurance.”
“There is that shoe again. I’m worried. Where’s the bucket?”
“Okay, three words: It’s like, FUCK YOU! YOU’VE CHANGED.”
“I have captained space ships. Also, this entire day just came out five hours later. I blame the future.”
“Home from Jesus’ death?”
“I don’t know who owns this own crossbow. Right now we’re cool. ~ But HALF A BLOWJOB?”
“I just made an arm.”
“Home from something stupid.”
“Victor: Why do Pickles look they hate me.”
“Also, Victor’s broken arm casts now endorse unicycling.”
And my personal favorites:
It’s a valid question.
Life sort of sucks this week. Victor’s been in the hospital for a few days because of a staph infection in his broken arm and they have no idea when he’ll be released so life here is weird because when Victor’s sick I have to be the grown-up and it’s fucking exhausting. And whenever I’m home I hear his voice echoing in my head, saying “Really? Is that where your shoes belong? In the middle of the hall?” and “No, cat’s can’t eat corndogs. GO TO THE GODDAM GROCERY STORE” and “WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE A CLOSET IF YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO USE IT? DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A CLOSET? You don’t, do you? Point it out to me. Point to where your closet is. Exactly. You have no idea.”
I miss him.
But until things get back to normal I am totally going to phone it in with a series of youtube videos that make me laugh hysterically even when I want to stab people in the face with a pointy bird. And even if you’ve seen them before they’re awesome. Promise.
From the creator of “Honey Badger don’t give a shit” comes:
I just got an email from this chick who’s asking bloggers to share what it was like the first time they ever posted on their blog so I went to look and see what other people were saying about their first posts and it was all sort of profound and introspective stuff. So then I went back to look up the very first post *I* ever wrote on this blog. This is it, in its entirety:
I am nothing if not consistent.
Conversation I had this weekend between myself and a very grumpy flea market vendor who reminded me a lot of my dead grampa:
vendor: That fabric you’re holding is really old. I can let you have it for 75 cents.
me: I like it, but I’m not sure what I’d do with it.
vendor: Fine. 50 cents. But I’m not giving you a bag for it.
me: Oh. No, it’s not the price that’s the issue.
vendor: Well fine, Miss Moneybags.
me: You know what? I’ll take it. Can you break a ten?
vendor: You’re making me give you 25 cents off an antique tea towel when you had ten bucks the whole time?
me: Wait. This is a tea towel? I thought it was a table runner.
vendor: It’s a very large tea towel and you are robbing me blind.
me: Dude. I will happily pay the extra quarter.
vendor: No. A deal’s a deal. But I can’t break a ten so you’ve gotta to go the the beer tent to get change.
me: The beer tent makes change?
vendor: They do if you buy a beer.
me: But I don’t want a beer.
vendor: Well then get me one and we’ll call it even.
me: This is all just an elaborate ruse to get me to buy you beer, isn’t it?
vendor: Busted. Don’t let ’em put ice in it. That’s how they get you.
And that’s the story of the time I bought a 50 cent towel with a four dollar beer because I felt guilty for accidentally being so insulting nonchalant about not needing a 25 cent discount.