A few weeks ago my friend Laura asked if I’d come with her to Australia on a sponsored trip and I said “no” because I’m the only person in the world who hates to travel, but then she told me to keep an open mind and it’s very hard to keep saying no to someone who once voluntarily chased off vultures and helped you dig up your dead dog. Turns out that it’s a Go Mighty Life List thing and I reminded Laura that the first thing on my life list is to never write a fucking life list and then she reminded me that I was being cynical again and she pointed out that we could do anything that we wanted as long as it was on our life list.
me: Really? Can I box a kangaroo?
Laura: Do you want to box a kangaroo?”
me: No. But I want to know that I have the option. Except I don’t want any kangaroos to get hurt. So maybe…pudding wrestling with kangaroos? Is that a thing?
Laura: I don’t think kangaroos are naturally that fighty.
me: No, kangaroos totally box each other in the wild. If anything, we’re making it safer for them by putting mittens on their hands. And they smoke cigars while they’re doing it. I saw it on a cartoon once.
Laura: Everything you know about Australia you learned from cartoons. This is why you need to go. Did you know there’s a town in Australia full of ghosts and possibly lots of serial killers?
me: We should go there.
Laura: Is it on your life list?
me: Well it is now.
Laura: And I know you hate flying, so after we get there we’ll just take a sleeper train around Australia.
me: Like The Orient Express? I’ve always wanted to go on the Orient Express!
Laura: Me too.
me: Can there be a murder? Because it’s not really the full experience if there isn’t a murder.
me: Or we could create one. I’m not picky.
Laura: Is “Instigate a murder” on your life list?
me: Well, not one that I’d write down. That’s just creating evidence.
Laura: Well, then we aren’t going to do it.
me: Then can we leave traps all over Australia? Like, cardboard boxes propped up by sticks with baby dolls inside of them to see if we can catch dingos?
Laura: I think if you put it on your life list and then Australia has to at least try to make that happen. But it’s probably BYOB. Bring Your Own Baby.
me: I want to see The World’s Biggest Banana.
Laura: And I want our guide to be Greg from The Wiggles.
me: And he has to drive us around in The Big Red Car.
Laura: Exactly. You’re always saying that you need to force yourself to push past your phobias and to make yourself be furiously happy. This is one of those times.
me: Can we go hold koalas while dressed in full koala costumes? And would you be more likely to say “yes” if I tell you I already have the costumes?
Laura: You have two koala costumes?
me: You need a back-up in case one’s dirty.
me: I’m kidding. But I do have one koala costume and one panda costume. They’re both sort of bears, so that should count.
Laura: Whatever. I’m in. I’m in for whatever bat-shit crazy tour you want to do. And it will be laid-back and ridiculous and like nothing else we’ve ever done.
me: No one is going to pay for this debacle.
Laura: Australia is. Get a work visa and wash your koala suit. This shit is totally happening.
So…I’m apparently going to Australia this year. I have no idea what I’ll actually be doing, but I know that it’ll probably illegal and I might get kicked out of the country. I initially asked to ride on camels, and watch giant-cockroach races, and see where The Hobbit was filmed, and so far the only definite “no” I’ve heard was about The Hobbit, because apparently “New Zealand is not in Australia so please stop asking“, but I’ve just added “Put New Zealand inside Australia so I can see hobbits” to my life list so I think they kind of have to do it now. It’s like I’m Alan Rickman in Die Hard and Australia is the baffled hostage negotiator. I think I could probably ask them to bring me a dump truck filled with live slow-lorises and a semi-drugged Benedict Cumberbatch and they’d have to do it. I am drunk with power. And also wine slushees.
Ps. If you want to see
my list of demands some of my life-list and watch it get updated in November you can click here because that’s where I’m supposed to write about it. Also, it’s entirely possible that this is a trick and I will get there and will spend a week trapped at some sort of terrible time-share meeting or that this is just a sting to arrest me for unpaid parking tickets, but it’s also possible that I’ll be riding camels in Middle Earth. It’s NewStralia, y’all. Anything could happen.
PPS. ”NewStralia” is the name I made up for when they drop New Zealand onto Australia. You’re welcome, Australian Tourism Board. I’m giving you that one for free.
PPPS. Did you know that kangaroos have 3 vaginas? Because they totally do and that’s probably why they’re alway hitting each other. I bet they have PMS every damn day of the week. But on the plus side, kangaroos have plenty of places to smuggle things because they have so many holes in their bodies. In fact, they’re so full of holes it’s sort of shocking they’re able to keep all the kangaroo from just leaking out.
PPPPS. If you look on the right hand side here you can get details about Fill-a-Plane discounted tickets or possibly winning a trip yourself. And why wouldn’t you want to after reading this? I mean, honestly.
PPPPPS. I should have a pretty picture of Australian cockroach racing here but I don’t have one (yet) and so instead I decided to use a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch. YOU ARE WELCOME.