Category Archives: Random Crap

UPDATED: I have become what I have sneered at.

Remember last month when I wrote about Amazon recommending a ridiculous astronaut baby carrier to take your cats for walk in and they were like, “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE THIS, WIERDO” and I was a little offended?

And then I looked at it again and was like, “Fuck.  I TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE THIS.”  And so I bought it because that’s what happens when I have insomnia at 3am.

And today I’m reviewing it for you in case you also bookmarked it during a moment of weakness.

First cat, Ferris Mewler:

me: DO YOU LOVE IT? Ferris: This is mortifying for both of us.   Don’t put this on the internet.  me: Just give it time.  We can go look for squirrels!  Ferris:  I’m fashioning a shank.

Video 1. First cat in space.

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Verdict:  Somewhat perturbed.  Slightly fascinated.  Last time I tried to take him for a walk I used a cat halter and he just flopped over and pretended to be dead even when I dragged him so this was a small improvement.

Second pet. Hunter S. Thomcat:

me: YOU LOVE IT. Hunter: I hate you with the heat of 10,000 suns. me: You sat in the box it came in for an hour. How is this any different? Hunter: So are the holes on the bottom to let my explosive diarrhea out?

Hailey: I don’t think he likes it. me: He’s yawning. Hailey: He’s yawning extremely loudly. me: THESE CATS ARE SO UNGRATEFUL.

Video 2. Second cat. Actively displeased.

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Verdict:  Hunter does not like confined spaces.  Or backpacks.  Or me.

3rd pet, Rolly.

NOT PICTURED

Verdict:  Rolly is our smartest cat and after living with me for ten years she has a sixth sense about when to hide.  I suspect she’ll turn up as soon as I put the backpack away.  We respect her wishes.  But I bet she would have loved it.

4th pet:  Dorothy Barker.

me: So how- Dorothy Barker: I LOVE YOU AND GRASS AND THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IS MAGICAL ALL THE TIME. me: We don’t deserve dogs.

Video 3. The only person happy about the cat backpack.

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Verdict: Totally cool with it.  Which seem like a waste because I can already put Dorothy on a leash and walk her around, but she super freaks out in the car and this enclosed space seemed to weirdly comfort her so at least someone appreciates it.

Conclusion:  This bag will make your neurotic cats more neurotic.  Will make your neurotic dog less neurotic.  Will make your neighbors avoid you.  I say that’s a win.

UPDATED:  The outtakes, as requested:

Video 4. "But how do you get the cat out?" Pretty easily compared to getting the cat in. See video 5.

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Video 5. "How did you get your cat in there?" Not. Easily.

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I think I’m being stalked.

Email from company I’ve never heard of before:  DEAR JEMMY, DON’T MISS OUT ON TODAY’S EXCLUSIVE SPECIALS!

me:  ::Clicks unsubscribe button::

Their website:  To unsubscribe you must go to this webpage to update your email preference.

me:  ::Unchecks the EIGHTEEN types of email notifications that I never signed up for::

Their website: OH NO, JEMMY!  YOU HAVE UNSELECTED ALL EMAILS FROM US!  YOU WILL MISS OUR AMAZEBALLS EXCLUSIVE DEALS!  ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?  PLEASE CONFIRM.

me:  “Miss” is not the word I’d use here.  Or “amazeballs” non-ironically.  ::Clicks the confirm button::

Their website:  We are sure this is a mistake on your part.  We are sending you an email asking you to confirm that you want to unsubscribe.

me: wtf.

Their new email: Jemmy, we don’t want to alarm you but we believe some scoundrel may have hacked into your account to take away your access to our great daily offers.  If this was not you, please ignore.  Your notifications will continue uninterrupted   If it was you please click here to unsubscribe.

me:  ::clicks::

Their website again:  Hello again!   You aren’t attempting to leave us, are you?  We want you to be happy.  Please use the comment box to tell us why you are considering unsubscribing so we can fix these issues and keep you as a customer.

me:  BITCH, ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

Their website:  You entered : “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?”  Thank you for your feedback!  One of our customer service representatives will be contacting you as soon as possible to help!  

me: Is this hell?

Their newest email:  Hello, Jemmy!  This is an automated response confirming your concern of “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW“.  Please do not reply to this automated email.  A representative will be contacting you by email in the next 48 hours for follow-up.  While you’re waiting, be sure to check out today’s exclusive specials!  If you would like to opt out of these emails click UNSUBSCRIBE here.

me: ::Stares at the screen for a full minute.  Clicks “UNSUBSCRIBE”::

Their website:  This account has been locked due to suspicious activity of TRIED TO UNSUBSCRIBE AFTER ALREADY UNSUBSCRIBED.  The original setting of RECEIVE ALL EXCLUSIVE EMAIL OFFERS will be reinstated on this account.  If you believe this is an error please click this link for help.

me: ::Clicks link.  With hammer::

Their website:  Thank you for being a valued customer!  Please check your email for further instructions!  Don’t forget to check out today’s exclusive offers!

Their email:  Dear Jemmy.  You are very persistent!  Just like our desire to give you great exclusive daily deals!  We have so much in common.  We belong together.

me:  ::crying::  Why are you doing this?

Their email:  Dear Jemmy:  Perhaps we weren’t clear.  You can never leave.  We love you.  Check out our exclusive daily offers!  As a valued customer today only we’re offering free shipping  if you click here to authorize access to all of your contacts and social media accounts. 

me:  WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?  NO.  MY NAME ISN’T EVEN JEMMY.  IT’S JENNY.  

Their email:    Your name has been updated in our system.  Thank you for being a team player, Jelly!  Enclosed is your coupon code for free shipping.  Offer is only valid last year on chainsaws that have been recalled for safety reasons.  Be sure to check out our exclusive daily deals!  Please note that your access to email and social media accounts has been locked for 24 hours as there seems to be someone masquerading as you trying to unsubscribe to your account.  Your safety is our priority.

My Facebook status: CLICK THIS LINK TO CHECK OUT THE FANTASTIC OFFERINGS FROM THIS AWESOME SHOP!  YOU WON’T TOTALLY PROBABLY WON’T REGRET IT!  BE SURE TO SIGN UP FOR EMAILS BECAUSE THEIR EXCLUSIVE DAILY DEALS ARE AMAZEBALLS!   LOVE, JELLY.

*end scene*

PS.  It is shocking how little of this is hyperbole.

Hello. Dog here.

Victor told me to look at the drive-thru window of our local burger joint and I didn’t get why until I suddenly saw it and then I couldn’t stop laughing.

And I said in a deep doggie voice, “Hello!  I would like ten orders of NO NO BUCKLEY DROP IT RIGHT NOW THAT IS NOT YOURS DO NOT HIDE THAT UNDER THE BED AGAIN BUCKLEY WHAT THE FUCK BUCKLEY YOU ARE THE WORST.  No onions.”

And Victor was like, “Wait, what?” and I explained that that’s how dogs would order hamburgers because they don’t know the real words for them and Victor was like, “But why are they hiding under the bed?” and I explained that the best place to hide food is under the bed because your angry owner can’t reach you while you’re desperately scarfing it down and also because if you want animal crackers in the middle of the night you can just reach under the mattress and not disturb anyone and then Victor was like, “Wait, is that why I keep finding cookies under the bed?  WE’RE GOING TO GET ANTS” and I sort of see his point but also ants would never live under our bed because they’d be continually disturbed by our pets guiltily lurking under there with all of the burgers they’ve stolen off our plates.

 

What’s my name again?

I consider myself very lucky that my brand of crazy is recognized so universally that my books have been translated into lots of different languages, and that means I have a whole shelf full of books that I wrote but can’t read a single word of.  It’s a weird mix of feeling very accomplished and also completely stupid at the same time.

I just got this copy, which I think is Ukranian (or Bulgarian, maybe?) and the cover is awesome but which of those words is my name?  It’s a riddle I cannot solve.  If you speak Ukrania (or Bulgarian?) can you help me out?

Help?

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*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Myawesomebeauty.com. A little bit about them: My Awesome Beauty is a website run by beauty addicts that have real experience in the beauty business (formulator, esthetician, beauty advisor etc.) where you will learn how to choose the cosmetics or beauty devices worth your money following specific criteria. The guides and reviews really help because they explain what to look for and what to check, such as the guide about the facial steamers or the guide on microdermabrasion machines for home use.” You should check them out here.

 

Why I love twitter, part 80 billion

It’s sort of a happy birthday to all of us.

I just found out that you can design your own leggings, so of course I was like, “You know what these pants need?  A motherfucking happy raccoon.”

AND GUESS WHAT?  I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT AND THEY ARE GLORIOUS.

“HELLO FROM PANTS.” ~ Rory

The hand placement is unfortunate. Or perfect. Depends on how you feel about being high-fived on the butt by an over excited raccoon.

The best part is that not only is an insane raccoon staring down people on the subway, but also his fur makes it look like you have luxuriously long leg hair with glitter stuck in it.  Like a werewolf who just came from a party.   The only thing better to put on leggings would be a really unflattering picture of your ex on them and then walked around their neighborhood like a mobile billboard they can’t untag themselves in.

Just a suggestion.

PS. Today is Victor’s birthday.  Happy birthday, sweetie.  I love you.  For your birthday I am not buying these tights.  For you, I mean.  I might buy some for me.  BECAUSE LOOK AT THEM, VICTOR.

PPS.  They’re in my shop (along with this pair as well) if you want a pair yourself because today all their clothes are 40% off.  If you’re not reading this when the sale is on, just wait until it is again because $60 for leggings seems insane.  Almost as insane as wearing a raccoon on your butt.

On open letter to the lady in my neighborhood:

Dear lady whose small dog was running in the middle of a road and almost caused several accidents until me and a stranger made a roadblock with our cars and chased down the dog and then walked door-to-door carrying him until we found someone who was like, “I’m shocked that dog is not dead yet.  He lives next door and is always in the road” and then we went to your door and you looked at me indignantly and angrily grabbed your dog like I’d forcibly kidnapped him from his happy life of attempted suicides and said only, “Well, he’s an outside dog sometimes, thankyouverymuch“:

I’m going to burn your garage down.

Maybe.

Hugs.

me

I’m a little offended that this was recommended to me and also I want it immediately.

So Amazon is continuing its insulting streak of knowing me better than I know myself by sending me a recommendation for this:

It’s a backpack filled with a cat.

Cat not included.

Probably.

It isn’t that specific.

But it has a plastic space-capsule bubble so you can make your cat into a tiny unwilling astronaut.  It looks pretty mortifying (for both you and the cat) because when you wear it on your chest it looks like you’re pregnant with a front-loading washing machine filled with live cats, but I still want one, if for no other reason than to go to fancy dinner parties and avoid awkward small talk by pretending the cat is the actual guest and that I’m just the carrier.  And if people still tried to talk to me I could act like I was too busy to speak to them and yell, “THIS IS GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM(cat).  CAN YOU HEAR ME, MAJOR TOM (cat)?” until they give up and leave me alone.

PS. Also, I’m going to need a cat sized space helmet for authenticity sake.

PPS. And probably some wet wipes because Hunter S. Tomcat gets traveler’s diarrhea when he leaves the house and I suspect this could quickly become a horrific viewing window into a literal shit show.

PPPS. Maybe I’ll just do it with Ferris Mewler.

PPPPS. This just came up on instagram:

This cat is living his best life and now I’ve decided that I want to be carried around in a backpack myself.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by HerPair.com.  I was a little confused when an unexpected pair of really nice underwear with a penis drawn on them came in the mail, but then I looked them up and it made more sense. “Created to start an important conversation in a funny manner. We aren’t in the business of just selling products. We are in the people business, working to empower women to be the AMAZING people they want in life.  HerPair is not only about liberating intimate wear.  It’s a movement.”  You should check them out here.

 

They’re like snow peas, but with less carbs. I assume.

Me: Dude.  The news just said that snow leopards are no longer endangered, so guess what’s for dinner?

Victor: Are they no longer endangered because there are more of them or because now they’re extinct?

me:  Oh.  I don’t know.  Damn.  My joke just went from dark to tragic.

PS.  They’re not extinct. But they’re still not in great shape.  Don’t eat them.

PPS. The last 6 months have been filled with “I’M DYING” illnesses and procedures and invasive bullshit but I have a few updates.

I still don’t have answers for all the anemias but they’ve at least ruled out all the scary stuff and are settling into “Well, you’re just fucked up but you’ll probably live.”  My liver is rebelling from the effects of this fuck-off-tuberculosis medicine, which means I have to stop drinking until the TB is gone and do constant blood work to check my levels.  Not a fan.  Of the not drinking, I mean.  The blood work is old hat.  BUT!!!  I just got back from my GP and 80% of the problems I’d had 6 months ago (extreme vitamin and hormone deficiencies, thyroid problems, clotting problems, cholesterol, pre-diabetic, etc.) are now gone.  WHOOP!  I still have to stay on the (literally) two shoeboxes full of pills and supplements and keep up this terrible low-carb, low-sugar diet for the moment, but I feel mostly human compared to where I was six months ago so I’m (grudgingly) fine with that.  Also, I’ve lost 30 pounds, so I went from “obese” to “overweight” and that’s very nice, except I’m now slightly less successful at bending my spine back and resting my hand on my belly while asking anxiously if I can use the restrooms in stores where customers aren’t allowed to use the restrooms.  Bit of a mixed bag there.  But I’ll take it.

PPPS.  Also, I have to do blood work constantly so “See doctor for blood work” is all over my calendar, but google autocorrected it to “See doctor for blood worms” once so now when I type in “See doctor” it automatically fills in “FOR BLOOD WORMS” and I should probably fix that but I’ve decided to keep it because it’s a nice reminder that even though I seem to collect disorders I can at least be grateful that I don’t have blood worms.

PPPPS.  Yet.

PPPPPS.  That I know of.

PPPPPPS.  Fuck.  I think I just gave myself blood worms and I don’t even know if that’s a real thing.

PPPPPPPPS. If “leopards” is spelled almost the same as “leotards”, why don’t we pronounce them the same?

Our people

My mom last year when her DNA test came back: “This says I’m mostly Irish?  I don’t know anything about being Irish.”

me today:  “I’ve found your people.”

Slightly related:

This ad was under the video on youtube and I was like, “OH MY GOD, what is wrong with that penis?” and Victor was like, “Nothing.  Because that’s…not a penis” and I was very relieved both for the person whose penis it’s not and also for the people who don’t have to fix eye bags by wiping an infected penis across their face.