Category Archives: Random Crap

What an asshole.

So I was just outside walking Dorothy Barker and it’s pitch black but I saw the movement of those ducklings I chased off the street last month and they were in the middle of the street again like fucking hooligans so I started chasing them again toward the park but I couldn’t see them very well because I have severe night-blindness so I was taking pictures with my phone because when it would flash I could almost see them but I guess they were scared of the paparazzi because they started running straight to my backyard so I ran after them and I kept taking pictures so I wouldn’t lose them in the grass and I was yelling “JUST COME HERE, STUPIDS” but in a comforting sort of voice and then a car drove by and it was my neighbor and he was like, “Hey.  So why are you chasing a skunk?” and I was like, “What do you-OHMYFUCK THAT’S A GODDAM SKUNK” and the last picture I got was of its butthole as sprayed a fountain of stink-pee at me.   

Luckily it didn’t hit me directly it was close enough that the dog and I need a real shower and this is exactly why you shouldn’t go outside ever.

Also I have now succeeded in chasing the skunk into my backyard and I don’t know how to get it out and I’m going to just set fire to the house now.

Murders and puppies and failed selfies.

If you like true crime podcasts then you already know My Favorite Murder because it’s the best and you should listen to today’s minisode:

Or if you are totally creeped out by true crime then you can skip that and look at this series of selfies I tried to take that for some reason didn’t turn out well at all.

Yes, Dorothy Barker, you’re adorable. But please get your butthole out of my face.

Dottie, quit it.

Dottie.

DOTTIE.

DOTTIE!

WTF, DOG.

Jesus Christ, I give up.

On second thought, they turned out pretty perfectly after all.  Good dog.

Trying to fix the broken parts. (Not actually about my brain, for once.)

Hello!

In the last month I’ve had quite a few people tell me that they’re having a problem leaving a comment on my blog and honestly I was too depressed to deal with figuring out what the problem was but today I’m feeling much better so can you help me figure out what the problem is real quick?

Everyone should be able to comment and see your comment posted immediately (unless you include a spammy amount of hyperlinks in your comment or are one of the two people who are in moderation for being the dangerous kind of crazy.)

So to see who is having the problem can you go leave a comment in the comment section to see if it shows up?  If it won’t let you comment then please let me know in the comments.  Wait.  No.  That won’t work.

If you can’t comment then let me know on Facebook or twitter or email me.  Ideally if you could tell me what error message you get if your comment doesn’t go though and also tell me what browser you’re using when it didn’t work that would be perfect.

Also, sometimes people get an error message saying that you have to remember your password for wordpress to leave a comment but that’s just because you’re using an email address that you’ve used before for a wordpress account and wordpress wants to help you.  It’s totally not necessary though and I don’t do anything with email addresses so you can feel free to just make up a new fake email address and it should let you in with no problems.

THANK YOU!

PS. If you need something to comment you can just tell me something awesome that you love right now.

I’ll go first.  Right now I’m loving the latest season of GLOW (don’t judge me), the fact that it rained enough that my grass is green again, and my furry coworkers below.

Live video from my keyboard. The glamorous life of writing.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Your turn.

“Fuck all this. I wanna be a dragon.”

Today was my 14th TMS treatment and it’s still weird and uncomfortable being drilled in the head but I feel better.  

I had one dark day this week but the rest of the time I’d say I feel 50% less depressed and I haven’t had insomnia (KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD) in a week, which is insane because insomnia is my full-time boyfriend and I do not miss him.  TMS could stop working and it might be a coincidence but after 3 weeks I think I can say that it’s sort of working?  (I whispered that and put a question mark behind it so that the God of I-Heard-That wouldn’t fuck with me.)

There are little things I notice, like the fact that I’m less likely to tweet terrible things at 3am and that I actually want to listen to funny stuff.  I haven’t wanted to watch anything funny in a long time because my depression makes me not be able to appreciate it and I feel like I’m failing at being human, so instead I watch documentaries and horror films because they match my mood, but today I caught up on my friend Ze Frank’s True Facts series again and I smiled.  That smile is the equivalent of laughing hysterically for normal people and it’s a welcome thing.  Will next week bring me saying that I feel like shit now?  Maybe.  But it’s nice to know that something worked if even for a few weeks.  And now, true facts about pangolins.

PS. I finished a new embroidery kit.

My daughter thought this was Gyote so I’m pretty sure that means I have failed as a mother.

 

The Third Argument I Had With Victor This Week

This month I’m working on my new books so I’m sharing some chapters you never saw because they didn’t make it in my last book.  Enjoy!

THE THIRD ARGUMENT I HAD WITH VICTOR THIS WEEK

Me: We should do this.  It’s like a fountain. Made of beer and plastic cups.

(This is from the internet and is not me. You can tell because I have less facial hair and manual dexterity.)

Victor: Why would you want to make drinking beer more complicated?

Me: “More complicated”?  Beer-drinking is complicated to you?

Victor: No, it’s not.  That’s the whole point of beer.  It’s supposed to be easy.

Me:  And that’s why we should do this thing.  It takes the easiness of beer and then adds an element of excitement to it.  And danger.  And a furious elegance.

Victor: I’m pretty sure there’s nothing elegant about chugging four glasses of beer at the same time.

Me: And I think that your definition of elegant is a little limited.  I’m gonna do it.

Victor: NONONO, YOU’RE GOING TO SPILL IT ALL OVER THE-

Me: Fuck.

Victor: I cannotbelieve you did that.

Me:  Really?  It’s like you don’t even know me.  BTW, that’s what four glasses of beer look like on the floor.

Victor: You’re dead to me.  Clean this up before it spreads to the carpet.

Me: It’s like a waterfall.  But with beer.  It’s a beerfall.  Which is totally aptly named, now that I see all the beer on the floor.  It’s like the warning was right there in the title.

Victor: How many times have you tried the four-beer thing?

Me: This was my first time.

Victor: Ahem.

Me: …Inside the house, I mean. Obviously did some practice runs, but I did them outside because I didn’t want to spill beer all over the kitchen because I thought that I might not be perfect at it the first time.  And turns out, I was totally right.  I’m even right when I’m drunk.  I’m on my 16th beer, yo.

Victor: OH MY GOD, there is beer all over the porch.  How many cups did you spill out there?

Me: Um…like…12?

Victor: So…all of them, basically?

Me: I don’t know.  I can’t be expected to do math when I’ve had 16 beers.

Victor: You haven’t HAD 16 beers.  You’ve SPILLED 16 beers.

Me: Yeah.  The MOST beers.  Ever.  It’s like a record.

Victor: That’s not something to be proud of.

Me: I can’t be held accountable for that.  SIXTEEN BEERS, VICTOR.

Victor: …ARE ON THE FLOOR, JENNY.  They don’t count if you don’t swallow.

Me: Ew.  Are we still talking about beers?

Victor: You know what?  Never mind.  Good for you.

Me:  Really?  Well, now I feel like you’re just humoring me.

Victor: I am.  And now I have to hose off the porch.

Me: No, don’t.  I’m trying to get the ants drunk to see if they can still focus.

Victor: **glare**

Me: I’m drunk AND I’M DOING SCIENCE.

Victor: That’s insane.

Me: No.  It’s multi-tasking.

Winners: Beer manufacturers.  Ants getting drunk for free.   

Loser: The carpet.

The pursuit of zappiness

This is my second week of daily TMS treatments and I know that’s all I seem to talk about but that’s because it’s sort of eating up my life, but in a so far totally worthwhile way.

Today I finished this embroidery pattern, which seemed fitting because I was stabbing someone in the head with a needle while being stabbed in the head with magnets.

I’m getting faster.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Then I started a new one but paused to take a panoramic picture of myself in treatment so you can see how it looks.

My face is mid-spasm because today they went up to the highest voltage but look how cute and teensy my feet seem.

And then I went outside and this happened:

I don’t know if this is working or it’s a coincidence.  I don’t know if it will keep working if it’s working now.  But I know that mental illness is real and that we’re worth the process of looking for a cure.  Today was a needed reminder of that.

And on the seventh day, she was cautiously optimistic but also totally expecting some sort of emotional avalanche to hit at any moment.

So.  Today is my seventh day of rTMS and I feel…crazy?  Which makes sense because they don’t magnet punch mentally sound people in the head for 6 weeks but what I mean is that I feel crazy for feeling like maybe this could be working.  Because (knocking on so much wood) I went from a full depression at the beginning of last week to a quick (for me) bounce back into “okay” and this weekend I actually felt good.  Like, I wanted to leave the house voluntarily.  I almost went to a museum.  That sounds like a small thing but I assure you that it is not.

Yesterday – for the first time in months – I felt like listening to music.  I don’t like music when I’m depressed.  It makes me feel too much when I’m raw and it makes me realize how numb I am when I’m unable to feel anything.  Instead I fill every quiet second with podcasts…anything to drown out the thoughts in my head and fill in the minutes until my head is right again.  Wanting to listen to music is a sign I didn’t even know I was looking for and it’s also a sign showing how long it’s been since I’ve been “normal” as all of my music was still undownloaded from the last time I got a new phone.

I’m not 100%.  I still feel exhausted.  I still feel brain fog and anxiety and the flashes of light in the dark are still flashes rather than steady streams.  It might be all in my head but that’s where I keep my crazy so that makes sense.  It might be a placebo effect but since I’ve failed at so many treatments it seems unlikely.  It might be coincidence that this bit of sweet relief started not long after treatment started and maybe would have happened normally.  I won’t know for awhile and even if it works it might not work forever, but I am so clinging to this feeling and to the reminder that things can be good again.  The reminder of how sweet it is to breathe again without having to remind yourself that this will pass.

I’ve had something really awesome to share with you for months  but I’ve been so down that I didn’t want to share it because announcing something great and then listening to people be excited about something I can’t feel anything about can bring about such cognitive dissonance that it’s not worth even sharing but today I feel good so today I’m going to tell you that I’m currently working on two new books.  TWO!  I’ve been working on them for awhile but they are now actual books with real live editors and publishers and probably won’t be finished for a year or two because I am slow even when I am good but still.

One is a collection of humorous essays/memoir like Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and the other is a YA southern gothic novel that I’ve been working on when I was too dark to be funny.  I’ll share a real announcement about them when I don’t have to rush off to the psych unit.  Today is treatment plus analysis and it eats my whole day and all of my energy, but it so worth it if it works.

Also, several of you asked me to make t-shirts for you to wear to show your support for me and for the people you know who are struggling.  Their specific suggestion was “You know…something that matches this community.  Something weird but supportive.”

Done:

Edited to add: If that shirt shows as “sold out” you can pick another one with the same design like this one.

It’s like trepanation but not at all.

So.  Yesterday I started rTMS (repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and if you’re confused then you missed my post explaining it and you need to go back and read it.  I am currently in a depression so my head isn’t working perfectly but if I don’t write it down I’ll forget so let’s do this.

The most expensive hat I’ve never owned.

First off, it feels like a woodpecker is drilling holes into your head while you have an ice cream headache and also you’re paying for it to happen to you.  And your head is in a vice and have you have tape on your face and protective earplugs on and your eyes are blinking involuntarily in a small convulsion and it looks like you’re winking at the doctor, nurse, and the medical students watching you, and then you have to tell them that you are not trying to seduce them but you say it way too loud because you have earplugs in and that’s awesome.

Secondly, I started this post wrong but my head hurts so I’m going backward.  The doctor told me that before we start he needs to find out “where my thumb lives” and I was like, “Are you sure you’re a real doctor because my thumb lives on my hand and it’s really obvious” but turns out they have to find it from my brain, which seems like a really long trip, but whatever.

The doctor told me that in order to find the parts of the brain where they need to hit me with magnets they need to find the homunculus first and then work backward and I thought it was a trick because I’ve played Dungeons & Dragons and I am perfectly aware that a homunculus is a flying telepathic monster made of blood magic:

But the doctor was like, “Jesus, no, that’s horrifying.  It’s this:”

Worst sex toy ever.

And that’s way more horrifying than the telepathic winged blood monster but apparently there are different parts of your body that are affected when you get magnet-punched in the brain-pan and to make sure they’re in the right spot they make you hold your thumb up like a hitchhiker and they keep magnet-punching your noggin until your thumb falls.  I called it a reverse-Fonzie but the med students didn’t laugh because I guess they’re too cool for Fonzie.

Hey, remember when I said I started this woodpecker head stuff yesterday?  Yeah, no.  I got depressed and couldn’t concentrate enough to finish this post for a week so now it’s much later.  But in a way it was good because that depression was enough to make me realize how terrible depression is even when it super sucks to have to leave the house and get hit in the head with an invisible chisel and it made me keep going even when I didn’t want to.

Anyway, here are the things that I found out about TMS:

  1. My brain is not at all symmetrical which I thought was weird but then the doctor was like, “Well, your face isn’t symmetrical so why would your brain be symmetrical?” and that makes sense but it’s also a little insulting because basically I think he just said that I’m even ugly on the inside.
  2. It super hurt the first day but everyone assured me that I’d quickly get used to being pummeled in the skull and they were totally right and also this feels like a pretty good metaphor for 2018 in general.
  3. If it hurts a lot they might be on a nerve and if you tell them they can move it a little and then it only hurts a little.  SCIENCE!
  4. They literally put my head in a vice to do this but if you have a good imagination it almost looks like a fancy fascinator for a futuristic royal space wedding and I think if I keep doing it long enough I’ll develop a magneto-like super power, which would be nice to help find my keys or change the channel without a remote.
  5. Every day they do 20 minutes with one pulse per second on my right side, and then on the left side of my brain they do 20 minutes with LOTS of pulses for 5 seconds followed by 10 second breaks.
  6. I couldn’t write while being whacked in the head so instead I listened to TED talks and took up embroidery.  Finished:

Classy AND positive.

Honestly, I don’t know if it’s working or not but today I feel better than I felt the day before I started and that feels like a good sign.

One week down.  Five more to go.

Tell me where to go. Not to hell though. I’ve been there and the weather was crap.

Today I’d like to tell you how my TMS is going because I started it Monday but I can’t because ironically(?) I fell into a depression on Sunday and I’m still trying to pull myself out of it.  This means that my head isn’t working well enough to finish writing the post about it and so basically this is a live representation of me dealing with my brain right now:

The good thing is that this is reminding me of the importance of doing the TMS stuff and I promise I’ll finish the post soon because it is very interesting and bizarre and sort of funny and I wish my head would stop fucking it up for everyone.

While I’m waiting for my head to stop being a dick though I need your advice.  We want to take Hailey camping this year so we’re going to rent an RV for a weekend and just drive to Garner park or somewhere close, but I don’t really know about camping or parks or anything so if you’ve ever camped in Texas and have a good park to recommend please let me know.  Ideally someplace that has fishing and food nearby and paddleboats shaped like swans that also have margarita machines and xanax dispensers in them.  Or if you’ve never gone camping in Texas before tell me the best vacation you ever took because I am super bad at this.

Happy Father (Figure) Day!

Today is Father’s Day and that can be complicated for people because fathers are complicated people.  I’m very lucky to have a wonderful father (and that Hailey does as well) but for a lot of people this day can be hard or bittersweet or lonely or just plain uncomfortable.  So if you are feeling too much today then I encourage you to change the day up.  Go out and honor father figures in your life.  Maybe they’re friends who’ve been there for you, or people you’ve seen care for others in inspiring ways or even heroes you’ve never even met but who helped to make you who you are.  Honor the things you’ve done to help others grow and become better people.  Sometimes the best fathers aren’t even fathers at all.

And that’s sort of amazing.

Thank you to all who inspire, whether you are a father or not.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by WHO GIVES A CRAP.  No, really. Do you have the kind of bottom that deserves the best? Of course you do. That’s why you should start wiping with Who Gives  A Crap, this week’s wrap up sponsor. They make super soft toilet paper, that just so happens to do good too. They donate 50% of profits to help build toilets for the 2.3 billion people living without one and all of their products are made without trees. Good for the world, great for your bum. Click here and use the discount code BLOGGESS to get $10 off your first purchase.