In Japan there’s an art of repairing broken objects, called kintsukori. My friend Emily McDowell explains it beautifully here:
So last night Hailey dropped one of the china plates from our wedding and there aren’t many left so I thought we could fix the plate kintsukori-style but I don’t have any extra melted gold so instead I used a glue stick and some gold puffy paint made for t-shirts and turns out it looks like shit.
But I was still really proud of it so I showed it to Victor and he was like, “It’s not even lined up correctly. And it’s still sticky” and I was like, “Yeah. I’m not a professional ceramacist” and he pointed out that “ceramacist” isn’t a real word, but I wouldn’t know because I just said I’m not one, Victor. Then he was like, “Why are there scraps of paper towel glued to the back of it?” and I was like, “So that I wouldn’t get puffy paint all over the bathroom. YOU’RE WELCOME” and he was like, “WHY WERE YOU DOING CRAFTS IN THE BATHROOM?” but honestly I think he was just upset because he was bleeding. Did I mention he was bleeding? Because apparently I handed him “a broken plate full of sharp, jagged edges.”
And then I got mad because he didn’t appreciate my art and he was bleeding on it, and then he was like, “Maybe you should drop it again” and so I huffed out of his office and I accidentally stepped on Ferris Mewler and when he meowed angrily at me it scared me and I did drop the plate but it totally didn’t break BECAUSE I FIXED IT SO GOOD. And Victor was like, “What is happening out there?” and I yelled, “THE CAT IS UPSET BECAUSE HE THINKS WE’RE GETTING A DIVORCE, AND NOW THIS PLATE IS IMMORTAL” and then Victor decided to lock his office door for the rest of the day.
This might look classier if my wedding china wasn’t the brightest color in the world but in my defense it was the 90’s and it was on sale at Service Merchandise.
First off, thank you. I’m finally feeling almost not sick at all and my depression is fading. I never know from day to day how it will go but today is good and I’m so relieved and also so thankful for all of your support and funny cat videos and words that kept me safer. Thank you!
I was supposed to go visit family last weekend but I was too sick so instead I’m going this weekend, which means that I’m sharing my Easter pictures early. Because they are magic:
Victor, on the other hand, disagreed with the magic and said something about how we agreed not to spend money on frivolous things and I was like, “Yeah. ‘frivolous’ things like shoes that glow in the dark, or organic fruit. I’m not sure what’s so frivolous about this” and Victor was like:
…but that’s his normal sort of look and then Dorothy Barker gave him this look…
…and he laughed in spite of himself. AND IT WAS AN EASTER MIRACLE.
PS. If you’re following me on twitter you know that Dottie has been a bit out-of-sorts but her blood work came back and she’s fine and probably just has allergies so we’re treating her for that. Yay!
Are you guys as goddam crazy as I am right now? Because I’m fucking losing it. I think it’s a combo of full moon and mercury in retrograde and depression and running out of pudding and crazy drama bullshit and it sort of seems like everyone is nuts right now. This is what it looks like in my head:
And then Hailey came downstairs crying because her lizard (Lizard Borden – aka Lil’ Pumpkin) was dead and so I checked on her she wasn’t breathing and I was like, “Honey, lizards don’t live forever” but then when I reached in Lizard Borden took a sudden breath and looked at me like, “WHAT THE FUCK, LADY? I WAS SLEEPING.” And then she ate and ran around and was fine so I went on a lizard chat group and I was like, “What does it mean when your lizard stops breathing?” and they were like, “It means your lizard is dead” but then I explained further and they were like, “Oh yeah, sometimes that kind of lizard goes into a deep, non-breathing sleep. If it stops breathing for a couple of days though then your lizard is dead.”
Long story short: I’m totally feeling that lizard. Not physically. Just…the idea of being so tired that people accidentally think you’re dead and then people start poking you and all you want to do is just eat some crickets and watch Doctor Who. Also, I just realized that maybe the lizard is now a zombie. So good news, bad news, I guess.
Sorry. I got distracted.
Anyway, my head is a pile of broken right now and so I need something happy to fix me so can you share something happy with me? Maybe it’s happy news or a funny video or a suggestion for a book or show that makes you laugh.
Here’s one for you:
Also awesome? The first comment on this video which is “These cats are stupid.”
Twitter informs me that today is National Siblings Day so I thought I’d share the message my little sister (Lisa) sent me today. If I ever die she can just take over this blog and no one would ever know the difference.
Happy siblings day, y’all.
So…yeah. In incredibly repetitive news, I’ve been sick. And I’m getting better but so. fucking. slowly. The pneumonia is now just bronchitis and exhaustion but being sick for over a week kicked in my natural inclination for depression because my body is an asshole. Today I made myself eat lunch and told Victor that when things get this bad for so long I start to think that I should have died a long time ago and that my body wasn’t meant to last this long. Or that maybe I died a long time ago and I’m just too stubborn to realize it and that’s why my immune system is basically missing. Then he was like, “Well, that’s bleak” and I said, “I am a hungry ghost who has forgotten she died” and he looked at me and said with the same intonation, “I am a horny goat who has something in his eye.” And it was so ludicrous and ridiculous coming after my overly-dramatic statement that I started laughing in spite of myself. And then I said that probably ghosts don’t laugh and Victor went back to his soup and was like, “Probably” and I felt better.
This doesn’t lend itself to a blog post very well but I still wanted to share in case right now you’re feeling the same. You are not a hungry ghost. Or a horny goat. You are going to be okay. And so am I.
PS. The news is scary right now and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it but just remember that a new study in the Washington Post shows that the current spider population could devour every human on earth in one year and still be hungry. And that probably there’s a spider looking at you right now. That doesn’t sound like it’s a good thing but it’s important for two reasons. 1) When I read this my first thought was that I needed to stock up on flamethrowers to stop the spider horde and that’s a good thing because it reminded me that I want to live. Thank you, spiders. I weirdly needed to be reminded that I don’t want you to eat me. And 2) because it proves that just because spiders COULD eat us, it doesn’t mean that they will. We’re still alive today in spite of spiders. The glass is half full. Of spiders. But of spiders who won’t eat you. Probably because they don’t realize that they’d have to join forces to kill us and they don’t know their own collective strength because they don’t read the Washington Post, but still. The point is that we’re still alive, and spiders live on strings that come out of their buttholes. We win. It’s not a great win, but you know what? I’ll take it.
PPS. I don’t know how to end this post.
PPPS. Tomorrow I’m going to BookPeople to sign some books people have ordered so if you want one personalized just go to their website or call them. They ship all over the world. I’m going to tuck a bunch of YOU ARE HERE tattoos into each them as well for as long as they last so be sure to check your book when it arrives.
PPPPS. This post needs a picture. This is the face stuck in mine whenever I open my eyes. Dorothy Barker, furry nursemaid, eater of spiders.
Victor: JENNY. COME HERE.
me: No. I’m sick. I’m dying.
Victor: You’re not dying. What happened in here?
me: I think it’s pretty obvious. A happy ending happened here.
me: I don’t know. I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop coughing and they looked lonely and it was 2am and I thought, “Hey. Look at all these great dead animals going to waste. Let’s make a family.”
me: I was on a lot of medication. Or not enough. I can’t even tell anymore. But look how happy they are. Plus, Dorothy Barker is totally into it. She’s the overly involved Godmother. Also, she might want to chew on the baby. Hard to tell with dogs.
Victor: I don’t even know what to say.
me: Say “Congratulations on your beautiful new baby, sirs.”
Victor: I’m not going to say that.
“Never talk to us or our son again.”
PS. 11% less dead than yesterday. Winning?
Still recovering from pneumonia but I’m well enough to look back at the past week and realize how totally sick I was. I get terrible fever dreams that seem so real they bleed into real life and it’s hard to separate them from reality (is this normal?) and one of the strongest happened Wednesday when I fell asleep reading Ready Player One and Victor woke me up with a “medicine ball” from Starbucks and he tried to explain that it was some drink from their secret menu that he read helps when you’re sick (hot tea, steamed lemonade, honey, heroin probably) and I took it and honestly thought he’d slain some orcs and this potion had dropped when he killed them and I was super impressed for an hour until I fully woke up and realized that I was being crazier than normal. But I do recommend the medicine ball if you’re sick even though Victor said that he felt like an idiot ordering something that wasn’t on the menu because the baristas always make him feel stupid and what if it was a trick, but then when the barista was like, “Totally. I can make that” he thought it would be funny to start asking for made-up, nonexistent names of drinks at Starbucks. Like if he said “Make me a Butthole Surfer” the barista would be confused and then he could say “WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW?” and then they’d be even. But then the next day he decided to actually do it and he ordered an “Old Wizard’s Beard” in the drive-thru and he said “They asked if I wanted it iced and I just drove off, terrified of what they had back there.” So, point Starbucks.
Does this make any sense? Sorry. I am on a LOT of meds.
In other news, I asked people to share pictures of their finished images from YOU ARE HERE on twitter and I was not disappointed so I put them in a storify right here and now even more are coming in so I’m going to have to do another. Tag your images with #youarehere if you want to share and I’ll do another round up soon.
I did this one. I’m starting to see the allure of coloring.
Forgive the typos. I’m still 45% dead.
And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Hippo Hug weighted blankets (I have one and it’s like being hugged by your bed). From the maker: “Hippo Hug weighted blankets are different than any others that you will find on the market. We use a unique and proprietary weighting system that involves specially designed disks so that they blanket has a low profile and doesn’t look any different than a regular quilt.” They’re pretty bad-ass. You should check them out here.
Today I planned on going over all the craziness of the book tour but I’m postponing for a bit because I’ve come down with a mild case of I-HAVE-THE-PLAGUE-AND-I’M-GOING-TO-DIE. And I asked Victor to feel my head to see if I have a fever and he was like, “Ew. No. Why do you always ask me to touch you when you’re sick? People like you are the reason why typhoid spread so far” and I was like, “OMG, you are totally over-reacting. But also, does my urine taste weird?” and then the people behind us at the taco shop moved to another table and that’s how you get privacy. And also maybe typhoid.
PS. YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds is #2 on the NYT bestseller list. WHAT. You did that, y’all.
“I’M NUMBER TWO!” ~ Things I didn’t think I’d scream excitedly in front of strangers until this happened.
PPS. If you want a signed copy and couldn’t make it to a signing then you can go to Book People’s website and order one. I’ll drop by and sign books as soon as the plague has passed. Just write what you want me to personalize in the comment section of their website at checkout. They ship everywhere. (And I’ll sign any of my other books too. Your wish = my command. Unless your wish is for me to stop asking you to feel my head when I’m sick. Sorry. That’s what you signed up for, Victor.)
Today is the sixth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in La Jolla, California!
Come see me. Please?
It’s at 7:30 pm at Warwick’s.
Next stop? HOME!
Thanks for being with me through this whole tour!