Category Archives: Random Crap

I’m not ready.

My mom called to ask if we were coming for Christmas and I was like, “I think so but Victor has the flu so can I let you know next week?” and she was like, “Well…Christmas is this weekend?” and then I may have passed out and screamed involuntarily a little.  Then I went online and canceled the Christmas crackers I’d ordered to be delivered next week and also I scrawled “JESUS.  LOOK AT A CALENDAR. YOU ARE A GROWN-UP” on my arm.

Then I felt very guilty that I still haven’t put up the tree but in my defense I’m very lazy and also a terrible person.  But I did buy an electric train to go around the tree that we don’t currently have and I spent an hour yesterday playing trains with my child because, hi, I’M SEVEN.  All of this to say that if you are also unprepared for the holiday I FEEL YOU and also I’m high-fiving you in spirit because while other people are making platters of Christmas cookies and gingerbread villages I’m not even sure what day it is.  And that’s fine.  Fine-ish.

(Spellcheck just tried to change “Fine-ish” to “fiendish”.  Thanks, spellcheck.  I wasn’t feeling bad enough already.)

In other words, this Christmas we are winging it even more than usual and we might end up having Christmas dinner at the gas station but we will be doing it with verve and love and laughter and maybe hot dogs and none of us will be telling Victor “WE TOLD YOU TO GET A FLU SHOT WHEN WE GOT ONE” because that’s his present.  And it’s going to be great.  Honestly.  As I was once told, whether there’s a tree or presents or a roast beast to carve, Christmas will come and it will be lovely.  I hope yours (or whatever you celebrate) is lovely too, no matter what it looks like.

PS.  No, seriously.  It’s this weekend.  I know.  I was shocked too.

This is what comes from insomnia.

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take the new templates on picmonkey for Christmas cards but then remake them completely for my own amusement.  They’re probably too late to get by Christmas but I thought I’d share them here because they made me laugh.

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-00-06-pm

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-03-10-pm

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-05-09-pm

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-06-17-pm

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-07-44-pm

screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-08-44-pm

Victor says some of these aren’t even Christmas related but I think maybe we’ve been having different Christmases.

Also, I made the 2017 Bloggess Calendar.  Whoo!  Click on the images if you wanna check any out.screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-15-36-pm

PS. Calendar cover image illustrated by my talented friend Joe Badon.  He is a bad-ass.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Basically everything at the beginning of this post.  Just click on the images for the links.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, especially since it equips you with the training to give a kick-ass massage to your honey for the holiday.  It’s way better than a tie or a blender or a mop.  Why were you even thinking about give a mop?  That’s a terrible gift. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying.

UPDATED: The Seventh Annual James Garfield Miracle

PLEASE SEE UPDATES BELOW!

Today marks the SEVENTH (!) annual James Garfield Miracle.  Short story: I bought a very jolly but kinda f-ed up boar head (named James Garfield)  and Victor thought I was crazy so I sold some homemade Xmas cards to make up the $90 I paid for him but I made so much I decided to give the money back to parents struggling to buy a toy for their kid.

James Garfield and I love you.

James Garfield and I love you.

It went quickly but as soon as I ran out of cash a ton of other people stepped up and asked if they could send toys to strangers and it grew into an annual event.  Each year I think will be the last year but each year people who were helped in the past ask if we’ll do it again so they can give back.  For those who like something easier we also give to Project Night Night, an organization that gives a book, stuffed animal and security blanket to kids living in shelters, and also to Heifer because it’s nice to be able to donate the ass end of a water buffalo on the behalf of relatives that you don’t really like.  As always, there are no sponsors, no rules and no one gets anything out of it except the happiness of helping total strangers.

TRUTH.

TRUTH.

So here’s how it works:  If you are struggling this year and you don’t know how you are going to buy a present for your child (or children) then do this…make a wish-list on Amazon (SEE UPDATES BELOW) and leave a comment below (with the age of your child, a link to your wish list, and anything else you want to share).

 

Here’s the basic FAQ because we’ve done it enough to know the problems:

  • How do I post my wishlist so that my kid gets a present?

Log in to Amazon and under “Account & Lists” choose “Create a list”.

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-3-52-11-pm

Name your list something and choose “PUBLIC” and “Create List”:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-3-53-47-pm

Find the thing you want to put on your list and then choose the list from the drop down:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-3-59-32-pm

Now you have to make sure that you’ve added a shipping address to your new wishlist so go to it and choose “list settings”:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-4-17-32-pm

Then go to the list and click “view details”:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-4-19-51-pm

Here you have to create a new shipping address or you won’t get anything.  YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.  If you don’t then people will see your list but can’t mail it to you.  People can’t see your full address though (just your town) so it’s still private.  This is also where you can write a description of your kids and their ages if you want to add that.  After you make it public and add your address hit “save changes”:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-4-22-19-pm

Then go to the comments here and put a link to your wishlist.  Here’s an example I made up: I’m struggling this year and have 2 young kids and 2 teenagers.  They like books and movies.  I live in America.  I also added an inexpensive coat and mittens for one my youngest  just in case you could help.  Here’s my link.

DONE!  (Adding where you live is good because it’s easier for Canadians to buy for Canadians, etc.  If you have Amazon in your country though you’re good to go.)

  • What should I choose for my wishlist?

Picking things that are listed as “prime” eligible is ideal because shipping is free for people with prime memberships.  Ideally try to limit your selections to less than $30 per kid so that we can help as many kids as we can.  Books and art supplies and movies that kids can share are all great suggestions.

Can I add a coat or warm pajamas for my kids?

It’s really just for toys but you can always ask if you really need them.

I went to buy something from a list but the list was empty.

That is actually awesome.  That means everything from their list was bought.  Whoop!

I went to buy something from a list but there wasn’t an address attached to it. 

Then delete what you have in you cart and don’t buy anything otherwise it will go to you or the next person you buy for.  That happens every year.  Leave a comment letting the person know that they need to add an address.

How do I know I’m using the right address?

When you’re looking at the wishlist it will say the name of the person.  When you check out select the same person’s name’s wishlist address or registry address.  If there isn’t one then they haven’t added their address so delete your cart and try the next person.

Are you checking to make sure people are real?

Sort of.  There are some things I do to check but go with your gut.  I do delete people if I know they aren’t real but most people won’t go to the trouble to fake an account for crayons and kid’s books so use your best judgement.

Can I thank the person who helped me?

You won’t know who they are, but you can totally say thanks in the comments.  You’ll know if something was bought because it will disappear from your list.

What if I don’t get what was sent to me?

It happens, but rarely.  Sometimes you’ll forget to put your address and your stuff goes to the person who bought it.  Or it’s at your neighbor’s house because you weren’t there to sign for it.  Or it was sold out and you’ll get it after the holiday.  It’s rare, but it can happen.

I can’t afford to buy something but I’d like to volunteer to make something or send a card to someone.

Okay.  Just put your email on your comment and they can connect with you.

I want to give 10% off a product I make or let them enter a drawing if they like my Facebook page and tweet a bunch of crap about it.

No.  Sorry.  This is not that.

Will you be my friend?

Yes.  Yes, I will.

PS. I was going to buy a water buffalo in your honor because I think “water buffalo” is fun to say but instead I’m sending a girl to school and I also donated $1,000 to Project Night Night in your name.   And now I’m going to fill as many wish lists as I can. The money I spend on this stuff comes directly from my affiliate links and your support in buying my books. so if you can’t afford to help just know that if you came here this year these gifts are from you too.  In the last 6 years we’ve given over $325,000 to help kids during the holidays.  That is insane, y’all.

LET’S DO THIS.

UPDATED, day 2: Wow, y’all.  I had earmarked $5k to give out to people needing a toy or two for a kid but so often when I clicked on a wishlist it was already filled completely.  Way to make it hard on me in the best possible way.  You are full of magic and I want to lick you all.  But I’m too tired so I’m going to just nuzzle you in my head.

A quick hint that might help if you’re looking to help people…ideally everyone would just have a toy or two and maybe a warm jacket on their list for each kid but some people just put a link to their long, running wish lists they keep all year, so to see if the person submitting the wishlist has already had items bought for their kids by others you can add this line to the end of their wishlist and it will show you what was already bought and when:

?reveal=purchased&view=null

Also, you will see some people getting quite a few toys or clothes for their kids because they submitted long lists.  Is it fair that some get more, when others ask for so little?  Not really.  Is it disheartening?  Also, not really.  Ideally everyone would get something but if our biggest issue is that some needy kids get a lot more than expected then I’d say that’s a fairly acceptable problem to have.  Also, historically day 3 is when a few scammers usually start to show up so be a bit cautious if you see people asking for things that aren’t for kids.  I try to take out the people that I can see are questionable but if you’re concerned at all you can always donate to Project Night Night above and make sure that kids in shelters get something for the holiday.   Either way, I am so incredibly lucky to be part of this community and you’ve reminded me that there is so much good in the world, and I think we all needed that after this year.  The response from those in need and those so happy to give has been incredible and I’ve cried more than twice.  Thank you for helping.  Thank you for asking.  Thank you for being you.

I love you more than strawberry cake.

Updated DAY 3:   I’m struggling to find anyone who had workable wishlist that didn’t have at least one thing filled on it.  In most cases each kid got a couple of toys or books, and I’m also seeing tiny coats and small, warm boots flying through the internets.  You done good, y’all.

A few clarifications…first off, I had quite a few people send me mortified emails because they had long wish lists and thought they were being ignored because their lists were so long they  didn’t realize that they were getting gifts until they started arriving.  I think next year if we do this we will make it simpler.  I’m still working on the details but I’m thinking something like, you have to create a  brand new wishlist for the Jame Garfield Miracle (not a running one used by family because those can be enormous and confusing) with a limit of $35 worth of toys and books per kid, and an option of adding under $100 in coats, shoes, socks or underwear if they are very needed.  That way it’s easier to fill, fairer, easier to track, and less likely to result in confusion, frustration or anything else for both givers and receivers.

By day 4 things start to get tricky so I HIGHLY suggest donating to Project Night Night if you want to help kids in need,  If you do want to give to strangers make sure to check if they’ve already been gifted (using the code above) to make sure you’re giving to those who haven’t already been helped.  I know there are always a few people who asked for a lot more than suggested and it can leave a sour taste in your mouth, but I can assure you that for every person that makes you raise a questioning eyebrow there are 100 other families that were so happy to get a single toy or a book for their child.  It’s just harder to see because those people typically post once and get their list filled immediately, and the ones who seem more questionable seem to post their lists 20 times.  I don’t think I’ve seen anyone though (even those who make you raise an eyebrow) who wasn’t asking for help in a bad situation that no-one would want to be in, and I love that we were able to help so many people and that so many people felt comfortable asking for a small bit of help.

Thanks, y’all.

Day 4:  Okay.  This year has been a big fat year of horrible bullshit for so many so it makes sense that this year we’ve had a few more problems than usual.  I don’t usually touch on drama stuff but I think I need to because of the confusion of the last day.  The James Garfield Miracle is about making sure that all children get at least one toy under the tree.  The ideal is that each kid in need gets $40 in toys or books, but we leave it open because some cases are unique and for when parents also request a coat or underwear or socks.  Every year there are some kids who get more and some who get less but usually they get $30-$100 worth of stuff and are very grateful.  For most of the people helped this year that is still the case.  There are always a few people who ask for thousands of dollars of stuff but usually they’re ignored because the givers mainly look for people who just want a few things to save the idea that santa exists.  This year we had more people than usual ask for pages of gifts and sometimes they kept adding to their lists when everything was bought.  Most people who did this were called out on it, and I understand why although I try not to judge because everyone is fighting their own battle.  Sadly, some people who received 4 or 5 gifts now feel bad for asking for help because they’ve seen the backlash.  Never feel bad for asking for help if it’s for your child.  That is not easy and takes guts.  Also, there is a huge difference between getting 4 gifts after asking twice and getting 60 gifts and continuing to ask for more.

I’m heartened that a few people have reached out to me to say that they were caught up in the relief and thrill of getting presents for their children so they kept asking for more but now feel bad that they were gifted pages and pages of gifts and have asked if they can send them to others or cancel them.  Honestly, it’s more expensive to ship most of these things so if you are one of the people who got dozens and dozens gifts and want to pass on the abundance, the very best thing you can do is to wrap up the things that you need to stay warm and to have a few toys under the tree for each of your kids and then look at all of the other gifts that were given to you and your family and (as a family) make a decision on whether to donate the excess to a homeless shelter, church, or women’s shelter before Christmas.  There are always some nearby and it’s easy to drop off (call first) and they always need toys and clothes.  Many kids in the women’s shelters were abused and had to leave with nothing but the clothes on their backs so they would so appreciate any small thing you give.  Also, it is a WONDERFUL feeling to give and a wonderful gift to your children to show them what it looks like to give to others.  You don’t have to.  I know the panic of being poor.  I know the fear that makes you cling to anything and the desperation that comes with it.  That’s the reason I started this in the first place.  But I also know that giving to those less fortunate can make you feel rich in ways you can’t imagine.  This and toys for tots are my favorite things we do each year.  It is ADDICTIVE.  As in life, this decision is entirely up to you.

I don’t know that we’ll do this again next year (I never know because I never know if I’ll have the money or health that year to do it) but if we do we’ll implement some changes to make things better for everyone.

Thank you to everyone.  To those who helped.  To those who asked for help.  To those who practiced kindness and empathy even when they were angry.  To those  who struggle.  To those who thrive.  I wish you all a happy holiday, wherever you are.

 

Want a book for the holidays?

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a quick note to tell you that I’m going to meet the lovely people from BookPeople tomorrow in a parking lot to sign all of the books you might want personalized for Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/Flying Spaghetti Monster week.  If you want one for yourself or for a gift make sure you call or order online by tomorrow morning so they bring enough.  Also, I will be happy to write “Knock knock mofo” or “Thank you for burying that body” or “I’ll always remember that night in Vegas” or “This is the best gift ever” or whatever else.  They have copies of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and Furiously Happy.  Just click to order.

(To order a signed copy of a book, place the book in your cart and indicate “SIGNED COPY” and write the name of whoever you want it made out to in the comments.  They ship worldwide.)

PS. I don’t get anything extra out of doing this.  I just like to give everyone the chance to get a signed copy even if they can’t ever (or don’t want to) go to a signing.  Plus, it’s from an independent bookstore and that’s always a plus.

PPS.  Later tonight if I can get my shit together we’re going to start the James Garfield miracle.  More to come.

raw-1

Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

I keep a folder on my desktop of insulting things the internet has done to me.  It’s a very large folder.  Here are some of the most recent things which were insulting, and also very accurate and therefore even more insulting:

1

Suggested post on Facebook.  “Everything that inspires you, right here.” That right there is a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit. So…yeah.

COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.

Recommended for me by Amazon.  COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.  The usual.

Thanks, Linked in.

Thanks for believing in me, LinkedIn.

You don't know me, google.

You don’t know me, google.

What are you trying to say, google?

What are you trying to say, google?

Then someone told me to google my name + meme and I really should have known better after all of this.  But I didn’t.

7

Aw.  Thanks, internets.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by DIY Shareable, a site for DIYers who love to discover, create, & share inspiring DIY projects and ideas that highlight creativity, frugality, & repurpose.  From them: “Save money and time and let your creative juices flow in all things DIY, including home decor, crafts, organization, outdoor projects, and more.  Find DIY Inspiration in Our World. Share It in Yours.”  I’ve been looking at it and there’s a lot of great stuff about organization or decor but my personal favorite right now is the ugly Christmas Sweater post.  Now I need to make a puking reindeer sweater desperately.  Thanks, DIY Shareable.

The man really is a saint. But he’s killing me slowly.

A conversation I just had with Victor where I respond entirely in gifs and we still don’t get divorced.

Victor:  Are you awake?

200w_d-1

Wake up.

tenor-1

Listen.  I need you to take your anti-anxiety meds and come be social with a bunch of very nice strangers.

raw-4

It’s for a holiday party.

raw-15

It’s for my work.

raw-3Cocktail attire.

raw-5

So you need to fly to South Carolina to meet me.

raw-6

It’s this weekend so you need to leave tomorrow.

raw-8

And pack some clothes for me too and pack something warm for Hailey.

200w_d-4

I assume you have enough meds to last you through Monday?  If not, call and get them filled now.

raw-10

And get a pet sitter for the animals.

raw-7

I think you might be overreacting.

raw-9

You’ll like it.  The party will have food.

200_d-2

And there will be cocktails.

200w_d-6

You’ll have a good time.

200w_d-15

I will be happy if you are there.

raw-12

And later we can take Hailey to see an aquarium.

200w_d-9

Or go ghost hunting.

giphy

So, okay?

200w_d-7

And I won’t make you leave the house on New Year’s Eve.

200w_d-16

200w_d-17

Don’t freak out.  Everyone will like you.

200_d-3

Just be yourself.

tenor-2

You are so weird.

tenor

I know.

raw-13

I love you too, weirdo.

tenor-3

WTF?

200w_d-5

200w_d-10

You’re not trash.

200w_d-11

It’s fine.  Just stop freaking out.

raw-17

I know.  I’ll pick you up at the airport.

raw-18

You’re welcome.

raw-19

Don’t go back to sleep.
200w_d-13

See you soon.

200w_d-19

WHAT.

unknown

 

Hey. Do you need something?

Okay.  Next week we’re doing the  7th Annual James Garfield Miracle.  Every year I think it will be the last and every year the people who were helped in the past ask me if it’s going on again because they’re now back on their feet and they want a chance to give back and this year is no exception, so technically I blame you.  But in a good way.  (In case you’re new, the James Garfield Miracle is when we get together and help give toys, blankets, and books to homeless children or to children whose parents are seriously struggling during the holidays.  It’s done anonymously in this community without any sponsors and it is a great joy to watch.)  If you want to help someone, or if you’re unable to buy a toy for your kid this holiday then watch this blog next week and I’ll set it up with all the instructions then.  It is awesome and exhausting and THIS IS NOT THAT.

Today’s post is just a small way to say thank you to everyone here who has been so amazing and supportive.  Because of the sponsors on the sidebars we’re able to keep this blog going without losing money.  Because of the people who buy things using my affiliate links I’m able to give back that money during the James Garfield Miracle.  Because you’ve been so incredibly supportive with my writing I now have two #1 NYT bestsellers and can spend my time creating ridiculous things that somehow help others.  That’s pretty amazing and I am so incredibly lucky.

As a small ‘thank you’ I decided that it would be nice to give back in some way so I pulled out a stack of my books that I usually drop off at Little Free Libraries and I’m going to give them away to the first people who say that they really need one.  Maybe you haven’t been able to afford one of them yet, or maybe you know someone who needs one, or maybe you’re in a bad place and you just need a reminder that someone cares…whatever.  Just leave a comment (with an email address!) telling me if you want Let’s Pretend This Never Happened in hard cover, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on CD, Furiously Happy in hardcover, or Furiously Happy on CD.  If YOU ARE HERE was finished I’d give it away too but we have a couple more months before it’s done.  I’ll email you for your mailing address so make sure you check your email today.

Additionally, I know there are a lot of people during the holiday seasons who feel alone so I thought maybe I would set up an open thread on my Facebook page if any of you want to become friends or exchange info to send cards or to find someone struggling with similar things to have someone to talk to.  I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, but what the hell.  Click here if you want to find friends in the community.

And now, comments are open.  Let me know if you are in need of a book and be sure to specify which book and which format because it’s first-asked, first served.

Things to give away today. Dorothy Barker not included.

Things to give away today. Dorothy Barker not included.

 

UPDATED: Holy crap, that went fast.  I gave away the 35 copies I had and I’m going to check the closets to see if I have any more.  I think I have a box of Let’s Pretend copies somewhere if I can find them.  I left comments on all the comments that I could fill and I’ve already been told that some people are contacting others to pass on their copy or buy one for others.  I love you people so hard.  If I find more books and email you but someone else has bought it for you since I’ve written this then just let me know and I’ll move on to the next person.  Thank you for being you.

PS. I’m not sure how safe it is to have your email address in a comment so I’ll probably go back and delete them in a day or two so they don’t get used for spam or something.  Also, if you want to buy someone a copy but don’t want to ask for their physical address you can just confirm that the email works and then send them an electronic gift card.  I trust everyone in this community but I’m just throwing it out there just in case.

PS. Thank you.

 

Spellcheck is a bit of an asshole.

Today I got an email from a friend and it said, “Just thinking of you today, diarrhea.  How ya doing?” and I was like, “I was doing better before you called me ‘diarrhea’?  Is that your pet name for me?  Because I’m not sure I love it” and then she was like, “FOR FUCKS SAKE, SPELLCHECK.  I typed ‘dearheart’ and spellcheck auto-corrected it to ‘diarrhea’.  I don’t think you’re diarrhea.” And I guess that makes sense because even as I’m typing this spellcheck is like “‘DEARHEART’ ISN’T A REAL WORD.  I’M HELPING,” but when it comes to someone calling me “diarrhea” spellcheck is all, “YEP!  THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.  NO PROBLEMS HERE.”

Thanks, spellcheck.  You’re a real dearheart.

PS.  Now spellcheck is like “‘Dearheart’ still isn’t a real word.  Did you mean ‘dearhreart’?”

screen-shot-2016-12-04-at-12-14-44-pm

No, really.  WTF.

At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Gem & Honey infused bath salts from Wild Honey Apothecary.  From them: “A bath is nothing short of a sacred return to the water. Our Gem & Honey infused bath salts are blended with only pure botanical ingredients for highly aromatic soaking pleasure. Charged with the high vibration energy of quartz crystal and infused with biodynamic honey from Wisconsin.”  Their monthly delivery service is only $10 (shipping is included) and sends you two 1.5 ounce sachets of specially blended salts and a small quartz crystal.  I’m ordering some myself.  You should check out it out right here.

Hey, crazy. Let’s be friends.

Today I was driving to my shrink and it’s sort of a long, twisty, weird road to get there and I noticed another car driving in front of me for several minutes and eventually he pulled into my shrink’s parking lot before me. And then he went inside and then I did and after a few minutes in the waiting room he hesitantly said, “Can I ask you a really crazy question that I already know the answer to?” And I said, “Did you want to ask if I’m following you? I’m not. I’m supposed to be here,” and he said, “How did you know that I was going to ask that?” And I was like, “Because I saw you drive to the exact same place and my first thought was that you were following me, except you were in front of me so not only were you following me but you were so good at it that you were following me before I was even there.  And then I wondered if you were a time traveler who knew where I was going and then I realized that was probably irrational but I still thought it was maybe possible because I am open-minded.”

And then he paused for a second and said, “Huh.” And then I was like “See? You were all worried about your paranoia but now you can feel good about the fact that you don’t think time-travelers were pre-following you to your psychiatrist appointment” and he was like, “This is the most helpful psychiatric session I’ve ever had and I haven’t even met the doctor yet.”  And then we fist-bumped in solidarity.

And that’s how the world keeps turning.

Unrelated: Tomorrow I’m going to BookPeople in Austin to sign some books so if you want to buy one for the holidays just click here for Furiously Happy or click here for Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and in the comments section at checkout just say you want a signed copy or you can leave details if you want me to personalize it or draw a cat in it or lick it or whatever.  They ship everywhere.

PS. I don’t have a picture for this post so instead here’s Hunter S. Tomcat eating leftover turkey.  This is pure ecstasy, y’all.  May we all be this happy.

unnamed-24

Possibly the weirdest thing I ever got in the mail and that’s really saying something

Yesterday I picked up my mail from my post office box and it was mainly books and bills and sweet letters and strange, lovely gifts but there was one box that sort of stood out because it was enormous and inside was a single piece of paper with the words “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” written out of torn magazine letters like a ransom note:

kkmf

And under it was an enormous sloth.  Or maybe a sasquatch.  Or a slothsquatch, which I’m not sure exists but totally should.

"Please play with me. Or euthanize me."

Um…what?

He had long poles coming out of his hands and his legs were long enough to wear as a scarf (not that you’d want to) and he looked at me with such longing.  “Pick me up,” he seemed to say. Or maybe “Put me out of my misery.”  It’s hard to tell.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH LADIES.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH LADIES.

And I realized that it was a very old, highly used, full-body puppet.  The kind where you strap yourself to its feet so it walks when you walk and of course I put it on immediately and I was like, “VICTOR, DID YOU GET ME AN ANNIVERSARY SLOTH MONKEY?  BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY NAILED IT” but he didn’t respond so I yelled “IT SMELLS WEIRD THOUGH.  IS IT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE A LIVE SLOTH?  OR A DEAD ONE?”  And then he said something from his office that I later found out something about being on a conference call but I couldn’t hear him because he was yell-whispering and my ears were too full of excitement so I was like, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I CAN’T COME TO YOU BECAUSE I’M STRAPPED TO THIS SLOTH AND HIS FEET ARE ALL SLIPPERY.  ALSO, THE CATS FUCKING HATE THIS GUY.”  Because they did and they were hiding under the couch and I was like, “I CAN’T TELL IF THIS A SLOTH OR A SASQUATCH?  DID YOU BUY ME A USED ‘SQUATCH TO WEAR?” and he was walked out of his office and was like, “JESUS CHRIST I AM ON A CONFERENCE CALL SO COULD YOU PLEASE-” and then he stopped talking because he noticed I was wearing a sloth (or maybe a chimpanzee?) and I paused for a second to judge if he was mad that I’d opened my gift too early, but the stunned look on his face told me that he hadn’t bought the slothsquatch at all so I tried to dance some of the awkwardness out of the moment by making Mr. Noodles sing the Copacabana song.  (I named the sloth/monkey Mr. Noodles because his appendages are so noodly.  Also, spellcheck is telling me that “noodly” isn’t a word because apparently spellcheck has never seen this noodly motherfucker.)

THIS SLOTHSQUATCH ONESIE DOESN'T FIT ME BUT IT'S A GOOD DANCER.

THIS SLOTHSQUATCH ONESIE DOESN’T FIT ME BUT IT’S A GOOD DANCER.

Mr. Noodles is made of awesome.  And possibly some horror and whimsy.  And maybe some dead cats or skinned muppets.  Hard to tell.  He speaks in a high-pitched, kinda nasally  british accent and when I dance with him it’s like if Weekend at Bernie’s replaced the dead guy with an anorexic sasquatch.

"Hellooooooo!"

“Hellooooooo!”

Then I spent most of the day posing Mr. Noodles in all the rooms of the house or jumping out of the bushes at the neighborhood kids so they could have a sasquatch sighting and then Victor got on a plane and left Texas.  But he was already planning on leaving for work so it’s not like he was fleeing.  Probably.

I'M GOING TO PET YOUR DOG...INSIDE MY STOMACH.

I’M GOING TO PET YOUR DOG…INSIDE MY STOMACH.

I still don’t know who sent it to me but I think it was my friend, Neurotic Owl.  The return address is “BASEMENT UNDER THE OPERA”.  I have a weird life.  And a slothsquatch named Mr. Noodles.  I feel like I’m winning at life today.

UPDATED: Video, as requested…CLICK HERE.