Category Archives: Random Crap

Am I broken?

 

So yesterday I read about someone “twiddling their thumbs” and I wondered what that would look like so I did what I imagine that is but it looked ridiculous and so instead I decided to twiddle my other fingers and that’s when I realized that my hand is broken.

Not the whole hand, but my ring fingers.  When I put my hands together like I’m praying I can move all of my fingers except my ring fingers which are totally glued together by witchcraft.  I thought maybe everyone was like that but then I asked Victor and Hailey and they could both move their ring fingers and now I don’t know if they’re very gifted or I’m super broken so I’m asking you, internets.

PS.  This is hard to explain so let me see if I can get a video.

Here:

I needed a video to demonstrate. Rolly: I'M HELPING.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Is it just me?

UPDATED!  Okay, several of you sent me tricks to help and one of them actually worked!  See below.  And then stopped working.  And now I’m just as confused as before.

There's a trick!

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Updated:  If you’re not following me on twitter you are seriously missing out on the magic of weird body parts.  Click here for the storify.

WTF, Google?

So, I need to attach something to a tree but I thought that a nail might do damage to the tree so I went to the internet to see if they had any ideas and I was like, “Can I glue something to-” and Google was like “LET ME JUST STOP YOU THERE.  YOU WANT TO STICK SOMETHING IN YOUR URETHRA, RIGHT?”  And I was all, “Jesus, Google.  WTF.”  Because first of all, ow.  And secondly, no.  And third, WHY ARE YOU AUTO-SUGGESTING THAT?

No, seriously:

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This is not help, Google. This is a recipe for infection.

And then I was like, “You know what?  I’m just going to ignore this.”  And so I kept writing “Can I glue something to a tre-” and at this point you’d think it would autosuggest “tree”, right?  Because I’m doing all I can here.  But no.

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me: “Can I glue something to a tre-” Google: “IS IT A T-REX?  YOU NEED TO GLUE SOMETHING TO A T-REX, RIGHT?  I’M HELPING!”

Are that many people sticking things up their urethra and gluing things to dinosaurs that google now thinks these are the most popular options?  All  I wanted to do was hang up a birdhouse like a goddam normal person and now I feel like I’ve stumbled onto an entire subculture that I never knew existed.

Thanks Google.  I feel very informed.  Too much so.  And also, I still don’t know how to attach something to a tree.


I am mostly sausage

Someone in the comments just responded with “Oh Jenny, you sausage” and this is now my favorite term of endearment because it makes me laugh and also, I am mostly sausage.  And so are you.  Even if you’re vegan. Because sausage is made of ground up meat parts and organs and bones and intestines and things better left unmentioned and I’m made of all of that too.  Except I’m not ground up yet.  Although one day when I’m cremated I will be ground up so technically I think that means I’m future sausage.  Or will be future sausage?  I’m not sure which tense to use when it comes to sausage of the future.

I tried to explain all of this to Victor and he just stared at me like I was crazy so I explained how sausage is made and apparently he didn’t want to hear it but I’m a sharer and what I have to share is knowledge, Victor.  And sausage.  If I have any.  And we used to have freezers full of it because my grandparents made piles of it once a year and I honestly thought that everyone’s grandparents ground up gross crap and stuffed it into intestine skins on their kitchen table but apparently it’s just a bohemian thing?  But then Victor made me doubt that it had ever happened at all so I googled it and google was like, “You are totally right.  As usual.  Also, can we interest you in some edible collagen or some natural beef bung?”  And no, google, you can’t.  Stop it.  We were cool and you made it weird.

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No, really. I’m full.

Aaaanyway, I guess that’s why people always say “you don’t want to watch the sausage being made” because if I’m sausage that means you’d be watching me being made, which I think would mean watching me being conceived and no one needs that.  I forgot where I was going with this but that’s to be expected because, hello? I’m mostly made of sausage.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Ballerina Death Squad.  It’s a long story.  No death or ballerinas involved.  Look at the page for the explanation.  You’re in if you want to be.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Nurturea small woman-owned business. (The small woman is Annie.) The Nurture body care line is plant based, and everything is scented only with essential oils. While Nurture believes in the psychological benefits of essential oils, we don’t claim our products will cure cancer. Well, since a portion of sales of It’ll Be OK Calm Balm benefit St. Baldrick’s Foundation, and they fund pediatric cancer research, maybe that one. One can hope.

Nurture yourself. Nurture others. Be Kind. And read the instructions – they’re usually good for a laugh.

You need this.

You know when you have something you’re really excited about but you don’t want to say it out loud because what if it goes away and then everyone is disappointed in you because you fucked it all up?  But you still want to be like, RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS GOOD AND MY BROKEN BRAIN IS COOPERATING AND I’M MAKING THIS THING THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE ALL OF A SUDDEN AND KEPT ME UP WORKING UNTIL 3AM AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU BUT AAAAHHHHHH!  That.  That is me today.  So I’m vague-posting and I fucking hate it when people do that, but know that I’m just doing it because I really want to share with you but I’m afraid if I say it out loud my brain will get constipated again.  I’ll give you a hint though:

Fiction.

‘Nuff said.

PS. Since this isn’t a real post I’m going to  share with you two things I saw today that made me laugh.

One old.  One new.  Both ridiculous.

Gotta go get back to work.

Independent Bookstore Day is coming!

Do you know about Independent Bookstore Day?  Because you should.  It’s a great way to support your local Indie shop and I’ll be there.  Well, sort of.

Every year, participating independent book stores encourage readers to come in for IBD and they offer kick-ass things that you can’t get anywhere else.  I’ve seen what’s coming this year and it’s bad-ass and I am incredibly proud to be included in the celebration.

I drew this specifically for Indie Bookstore Day and the only place it will be sold is at independent book stores on Saturday, April 29th.

youarehere-ibd

It’ll be printed on archival matte paper and it’s 16X20 and (just like with any of my drawings) you can either color it or leave it black and white.  There will be only 2,500 available and they’re all personally signed by me.  It’s not in my new book, YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual For Dangerous Minds, so it’s exclusive to indie bookstores.  They’re first-come-first served so call your local indie store to see if they’ll be carrying it.  I realize that many of you are like me, in that I would rather eat a bag of glass than make a phone call or leave the house, but there is a special exception to this because bookstores are safe, magical places full of sanctuary and escape.  They’re like church, but with less eating Jesus.

I’m not sure if I even make anything from the sale of the prints but anything I get I’ll use to buy books for people in this community because I know not everyone can easily afford them and books are the best medicine that exists in the world.  THE END.

Wait…not the end.  I forgot the details.  You can only get them in person at independent bookstores in America on the day of IBD but if there are any left the next day they might be available to buy online or over the phone.  I’ll remind you of all of this stuff again later because you’re probably as forgetful as I am.

I hope you like it.  I hope you like the book.  I hope I’m good enough for you.

Inhuman is the new pretty.

There’s this new camera app called meitu that everyone on the internet is using because it takes your picture and turns it into a sort of glossy, anime version of yourself.

meitu-bloggess

Edited to add:  Looks like there are some privacy concerns about the app so be careful out there,  okay?

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Deb Newmyer’s Moms for Hire, a stylish, eight-step guidebook for moms who want to kick their careers back into gear and amp up their professional mojo.  41% of moms choose to stay at home for significant amounts of time after having children and for many moms this is the most rewarding and important work of their lives. But what happens when kids are older, need less attention, and mom decides to go back to work?
Using creative exercises, advice, and anecdotes from well-known working moms, Moms for Hire is a go-to guide for moms looking for a successful re-entry strategy.  You can check it out here.

This week is hard, y’all.

Hey.  This week is full of angst and anxiety for a lot of us but I just want to tell you what I want to hear myself: It’s going to be okay.  Whether you are protesting in the street or hiding in bed or trying to be positive or you’re confused or scared or angry…it’s going to be okay.

We’re going to be okay.  It might take work but work is being done.  In small ways and large ways and quiet ways you may never know about.

This week is full of scary shit and much smarter people than me have written more eloquently about it so instead I’m just going to share a few silly things that I think are pertinent.

First, know that it’s okay to not be okay:

raw-6

People love you and want to offer comfort.  Sometimes we’re just really, really bad at it.

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But the thought is there, even if it’s scary to reach out.

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Know that even when it’s overwhelming you aren’t alone.

200w_d

You are loved.

raw-2

And bunnies still exist.

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And cats.

raw-8

And cake.

tenor

We’re going to be okay.

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Get in here.

raw-9

And if you still feel scared, watch this:

raw-1

Keep breathing.

Google knows me better than I know myself.

Last time I googled “Jenny Lawson likes” google auto-suggested “to fart for you” but those auto-suggestions change every few weeks based on what people are searching for so I thought I’d check to see what Google is thinking about me at the moment.

I thought I’d check “Jenny Lawson was” but before I even finished google gave me this:

f

JENNY LAWSON WASTELAND.  I’m not sure if this is a place or an insult.

d

Wow.  Straight to the lady garden.

c

Aw.  Apparently Google knows me after all.

PS.  Hang on. I just remembered that last time I didn’t use my last name.  Let’s try it again:

d

Well at least I’m consistent.

Looking at DNA from someone who knows absolutely goddam nothing.

If you don’t do genealogy ignore this post.  Also, I’m not a reporter so this is just a blog I wrote at lunch.  Not a fact-checked news story.  Please don’t ask me DNA questions because I don’t know what the shit I’m doing.  I didn’t even spell-check this because I have a deadline on something else I’ve been procrastinating but if I don’t write this now I’ll forget.

********

I am a bit addicted to genealogical searches.  I’ve traced some family members as far back at the 1600’s and (if records can be believed) I have in my family a wide range of reprobates, farmers, immigrants, traveling preachers, prisoners, and a Native American chief who was famous for putting curses on people.  But of course records can’t really be believed because everyone has in their family a hidden adoption, or a child that wasn’t by the person they claimed it was by, or someone who changed their identity for some reason, not to mention all sorts of stories made up to cover the terrible (at the time) things that no one wanted known.  And it was very easy to hide until DNA testing became available and suddenly everything changes.  But this isn’t that story.  That’s going in my next book.  Probably.  This is just a thing I was looking for when I did my Ancestry DNA test and it didn’t give me exactly what I was expecting.

I gave my parents DNA tests last Christmas (not a good present if you think they might not be your parents) and turns out that they are my parents.  YAY!  But my DNA ethnicity estimate wasn’t what I expected.  It’s not an exact science since different siblings may inherit different DNA from each parent so I knew it would be a bit iffy, and it’s even more off because the part of Bohemia my dad’s family is from is in the venn diagram between Eastern and Western Europe that is never listed as a real place when it comes to ancestry stuff.  But it gave me some weird stuff I didn’t expect (and possibly could have been erased from our family history since there were more prejudices when my family came to America) and there were some things I’d wanted to find but didn’t. Like, no Native American DNA but technically it was so far back it might not have shown up anyway.  But where did all this Irish come from?  And my mom was crazy Irish on her test.  And there’s African and Jewish and it’s just small amounts, but still…weird.  Like there are stories out there from ancestors that I don’t know and desperately want to.

(Note: If you do your genealogical research fully and look for the real stuff instead of just the nice stories told to you by family, expect to find a shitload of bad stuff. Relative marked as “dead” who are actually in prison, relatives who were slaves or indentured servants, relatives who were slave-owners, relatives who died in mental institutions of the same problems you have.  It can be a bit traumatic if you’re not prepared.  Just be aware that the stuff written in the family Bible should be taken with a pound of salt and keep in mind that you make your own future and you are not responsible for your distant ancestors tragedies, failures or successes.  At best they are stories to learn from.  And if you do DNA research expect to find people you should not be related to but are -and vice versa – because flings happened even in the “good old days” and that’s life.  It can be a bit jarring though and it happens way more than you would imagine.  In fact, some of the DNA sites specifically let you opt out from knowing who you are related to because it might be upsetting to you.  Personally, I think it’s fascinating but I found a relative I should not have been related to and it was a bit hard on all sides to realize that your ancestors are far more complicated than you ever imagined.  That’s another story.)

Aaaaaanyway, in 2015 I did my DNA test on Ancestry.com and it came out interesting but not entirely what I expected so this year I did my DNA test on 23andme.com to see if I’d get the same info and it was close but fairly different.  The 23andme.com test is more expensive but also tells you if you’re a carrier for some diseases, special traits you might have, etc.  I’d wanted to know how the test differed so I thought I’d share some of my results with you in case you were trying to decide which one to do.  Also, note that your DNA report can be updated as they get more information or refine their testing so it can change a bit each time you look at it.

According to Ancestry.com this is my approximate estimate of my ethnicity:

33% Great Britain

26% Eastern and Western Europe (Where they overlap is Bohemia/ Czechoslovakia.)

19% Irish

17% Scandinavian

1% African

1% European Jewish

1% Middle Eastern

1% Italian/Greek

1% Iberian Penninsula

Today I got my 23andme results and this is my approximate estimate:

28% British and Irish

21% French and German

2% Scandinavian/Finnish

20% “Broadly” Northwestern European (Counties rimming the North and Baltic Seas)

17% Eastern European

4% “Broadly” Southern European (Sardinia and the Iberian, Italian and Balkan Peninsulas)

7% “Broadly” European

So basically they both say “You’re pretty European” but they certainly aren’t an exact match.  The Ancestry test breaks it out a bit more and I’m not sure if it’s more accurate but there it is.  What was interesting is that the 23andme test also gave me a bunch of other data about how I’m probably not a carrier for the diseases they look at (Whoop!) and gave me a list of a lot of weird traits and such that are somewhat true but not entirely.  Like they say I’m probably not lactose intolerant and my bowels would disagree heartily.  They were right on eye color and facial features and lots of other traits and variants though.

These, however were a few of my favorite things that made my DNA unique, according to 23andme.  I should point out that I am not making these up.  They are direct screenshots from my report:

screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-12-09-26-pm

This doesn’t feel like something I should want to succeed in.

Hmm.

Some people have natural rhythm or perfect pitch..  This is my gift.  Apparently.

What

Huh.

n

Disagree.  I’m very attached to my earlobes.

screen-shot-2017-01-13-at-12-34-00-pm

NO, YOU ARE.  (Is this an insult?  I don’t even know.)

h

?

d

Finally, some good news.

In the end I preferred the Ancestry.com test because it seemed more accurate to me and I got more DNA matches to other members I was able to contact and share information with, but the 23andme test was cool too.

But what do I know?  I’m mostly Neanderthal.  Apparently.

Playing with toys.

I’ve been making a lot of tiny models lately because when I’m feeling stressed I can focus on the tiny little world in my hands rather than the terrifying and sometimes overwhelming one outside.  I usually make ferris wheels that I leave in parks but this week I moved to a slightly larger model because I found an AT-ACT and I thought maybe Victor would question me less if I ended up with a something that he could play with.

I can’t figure out how to embed it but click here to see a 30-second video of me making it.  Including putting the legs on backward and then having to rip them off and start again.  (Inadvertently starring my boobs.)

But apparently Victor is too cool to play with toys so I decided to play with it.  And it was awesome because it was SO flexible.

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THROWING A TANTRUM.

ROBOT BUTLER.

AWESOME BUTLER.

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PUSHING AN INVISIBLE BOULDER UP A HILL.

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DOING LUNGES.

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GIVING A PIGGY-BACK RIDE.

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BOM-CHICA-BOW-WOW.

You are never too old for toys, Victor.  Just takes a little imagination.

PS. People always ask where I get my stuff so it’s $14 right now.   But Amazon changes up the prices a lot so if it’s more than $14 when you click on the link then ignore.  Also, it looks a bit plasticy for my taste so I’m antiquing it but all I had was brown paint and now Victor says it looks “like it fell in a turd.”  Always a critic, that one.