So, if you’ve been following the crazy bullshit that is my body trying to kill me you already know that I’m on a ton of new meds to fix a ton of broken shit, but the newest update is that my doctor called with more blood results and was like, “Girl, you’ve got ALL the anemias. Pernicious was just the beginning. Stop hogging the anemias” and I was like, “I don’t even know what that means” and basically it means that I’m missing a lot of blood for no reason, which sort of makes sense because I lose shit all the time, but it seems like if it was misplacing blood I’d remember, or at least Victor would yell at me for leaving all my blood around like he does about the trail of half-filled glasses of water that I leave in my wake. “Missing blood” seems a little disconcerting, like when you’re missing time, except usually that’s because of alien abductions so at least you have a reasonable explanation.
And there can be a lot of reasons why I’m so anemic and exhausted and sick and some of those reasons are simple, and some are scary but personally I’m leaning toward “attic vampires”. It would explain the blood loss and also the rustling I sometimes hear upstairs late at night. Victor says it’s squirrels on the roof but what would squirrels want with all my blood, Victor? He is the worst detective, y’all.
Anyway, my doctor is also in the “it’s probably not vampires” camp but she says the anemias cause all sorts of things, including making me severely low on a lot of vitamins and other stuff you need to live, which could explain why my lab results were 30 pages of “Bitch, you are all the way fucked up.”
One of the most likely explanations is a bleeding ulcer but they need to be sure so next week they’re going to drug me up and stick one camera down my nose all the way to my intestines. Then they put another camera up my booty-pipe all the way to where the other camera stopped, like some terrible river cruise gone horribly wrong. Hopefully they’re different cameras, or they at least wash them well. Basically it’s like having a lot of tourists in me doing flash photography. I considered live-tweeting it but the nurse says I probably won’t be conscious enough to make sense, but that’s pretty standard for me and twitter. (Semi-conscious and nonsensical. Not, “with a camera shoved up my ass”. That is a new one for me.) Either way, I plan on asking the doctor if I can have a copy of the pictures so that I can post the most introspective Instagram shots ever. (Hashtag: #nomakeup #nofilter #iwokeupthisway)
I also plan to ask if they do the scopes at the same time because if so I think that would literally make me a shish kabob for a few seconds, and considering how little I’ve accomplished in the last 6 months it would be nice to at least be able to put that on my resume. “Writer, illustrator, humorist, human shish kabob.”
In more positive news, the new meds and supplements have slowly started to help with the exhaustion and brain fog and I’ve lost 8 pounds on this horrible low-carb, low-sugar diet. Yay for small victories.
(I miss you, potatoes.)
PS. This post needs a picture but I don’t have an appropriate one so instead here is a picture of Hunter S. Tomcat.
When he turns his face upside down he looks like an angry guinea pig sticking its tongue out.
I couldn’t put googley eyes on his chin without waking him up so I just drew some on here: