Category Archives: The baby is fine

Reason # 876 why marketers should read my blog *before* pitching me

Actual pitch I just received from a marketer:

We’re fans of your blog, and we especially love your realistic perspective and experience with beauty products.  We’re hoping you might be interested in trying our latest skincare discovery and reviewing it on your blog. In only 14 days, you’ll see a significant improvement in the texture and tone of your skin and a decrease in the appearance of wrinkles. If you want to try it and review it on your website, please e-mail us with your full name and address.

We look forward to hearing from you,

Debra

It seemed fairly obvious that Debra hadn’t read my blog at all but I thought I’d just check to give them the benefit of the doubt.  My response:

Thanks!  As you probably know from my blog, I’m only 16 so I don’t really need wrinkle cream but does it work on babies?  Because my daughter has all these wrinkles on her legs and arms and it would be great if I could smooth them out.

PS.  My mom said the wrinkles are “fat rolls” and that wrinkle cream won’t work.  Do you have any products that removes fat rolls from babies?

Her response came quickly:

Hi there,

Thanks for writing back. We don’t make products for the issue you mentioned.

Have a great weekend,

Debra

And then all bets were off:

I understand.  It’s almost impossible to find any products to make your baby less wrinkly.  God knows I’ve tried. It does seem, however, like an open market so maybe you guys should look into making something like that.  It should make babies less fat and wrinkly and also maybe…glittery?  Vampire babies are totally hot right now so I bet you’d sell a shitload of that stuff.  But call it something really descriptive because I refuse to put baby powder on my baby because I I suspect that it’s powder made from babies.

PS. My mom says that baby powder is powder for babies but I just pointed out that babies smell good and baby powder smells good and therefore baby powder is probably made from powdered babies.  That’s why they’re so vague in the name…so that you don’t know if it’s made from babies or not.  I’m just saying, descriptions matter.

PPS.  Don’t make the product from powdered babies if you can help it because PETA’s gonna be all up in your business if you do.  Unless babies aren’t considered animals.  Then you’re probably fine.

Surprisingly, there has been no response.

Where were you during the zombie apocalypse?

Today is Sunday which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up but I’m going to put that off until tomorrow.  Instead I’m going to give you a small taste of what happened yesterday when I decided that we should all act out an impromptu 15 minute zombie apocalypse on twitter and literally thousands of zombie apocalypse tweets lit up the world and began trending.  Then a lot of people got very confused and worried.  It was awesome.  I combed through the #za (Zombie Apocalypse) threads to pull out just a few of my favorites…

TheBloggess: I just lost 77 followers in 10 minutes. No joke, y’all. That’s a personal best for me.

TheBloggess: Yes, I realize it’s probably just twitter clearing out all the spambots but I’d like to think I contributed somehow.

TheBloggess: Oop. There go two more. Weird. It’s like watching zombies eat my followers. But less entertaining.

TheBloggess: You know what would be awesome? If we all started to act out a zombie apocalypse on twitter. That would be awesome.

TheBloggess: Oh hell, let’s do it. No one’s on twitter today but us anyway. Zombie Apocalypse for the next 15 minutes.

TheBloggess: Is there some sort of March of Dimes Walk today? Why are so many people walking around my neighborhood? #za

TheBloggess: Oh. Mother. Fucker. #za

Valya: Some odd sort of parade in my neighborhood. People seem a bit drunk though. #za

MildlyAmused: Looks like the electric company sent someone after all. But he’s been milling aimlessly in the front yard for 10 minutes now. Typical. #za

TheBloggess: My mailman is eating my dog. WTF? RUN BARNABY JONES PICKLES! #za

thraeryn: Trying to move as much downstairs food to the second floor before destroying all the stairs. Can’t let the cats or dogs out. #za

cfexrun: Shirley sure looks tasty today. Why can I only groan and shuffle around? Oh no. I can’t feel my special place. #za

fairlyoddmother: Oh, there goes the neighbor’s kid. That’s too bad. #za

finslippy:  God, the people on my block have the worst fashion sense–so much torn denim and bloody scalps OH NO #za

DawnBlanchfield: the baby is being so sweet and extra cuddly today. She’s snuggling up to my neck and OUCH! OH MY GOD… #za

schoolofmom:  Should I use a golf club to beat the baby back, or the umbrella stroller? Never mind, it’s gnawing on my ankle, I’ll kick. #za

jenn_d:  okay, seriously? It is ominously quiet… The zombies won’t make it into Canada anyway – too scared of the geese #za

TheBloggess: Wait, is it “mailman” even if it’s a girl? “Mailperson”? Maildeliverer? Fuck it. This is no time for political correctness. #za

ADiercksmeier: @TheBloggess “Femailman” is what we use.

alittlepregnant: @TheBloggess But if it’s a zombie, it’s a letter carrion.

Scarbucks:  why are there so many random limbs on my porch? Usually there is only 1 or 2….

DeScepter: Odd. Some bloody dude stumbling around on my lawn. Maybe a drunk driver that got in an accident? I tried 911 & got a busy signal. #za

thraeryn: Hrm. If things ever become normal again, I bet we’ll have to call these jerks “dead Americans” instead of “zombies”. #za

CreacherTeacher:  There’s some sort of protest going on outside. Something about braids? They’re saying…what? “BRRAAAAIII…” Oh, eff. #za

HeadlessMom: The zombies must have stopped the 210 freeway. No other explanation. #za

TheBloggess: WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A CHIMNEY IN TEXAS?! This is like a goddamn zombie hole! #za

ElGatoCello: Whew, don’t worry guys. I’m alright. Thank goodness that conveniently placed Deus Ex Machina was sitting there… #za

TheBloggess: Okay, I appreciate everyone suggesting “letter carrier” BUT THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT NOW. #za

TheBloggess: Like, how do I start a fire in my chimney, for one. #za

SarahJaneLehoux : mmmmmmmmmaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbrains

DeScepter: I hear sirens but they’re not coming here. Must be a big fire across town or something. I’m going outside to see if this dude needs help #za

jannypie: Fuck, it got in, and is eating my flesh as I type. I didn’t really have anything going on tonight anywhaaaarghhhh…. #za

SparklySnarkery: dammit, living alone isn’t nearly as awesome when moving the heavy furniture to create a blockade #za

TheBloggess: I started a fire with vodka and a Yankee Candle. It smells delicious and my house is an inferno. Awesome. #za

ElGatoCello: Alright, I’ve hit the town armed with a shot gun and a team of living humans that can serve as meat shields should the need arise. #za

thraeryn: K, got the kids in without much trouble. Now to find the only AAA remote battery I’ll be able to get in months. Stupid dead Americans. #za

agentdani: I put on eyeliner and am shuffling around. Who knew ‘moody teenager’ was such a good disguise? #zombpocalypse #za

SparklySnarkery: thank god for having a balcony . . . clear line of fire on all the former house flippers who live around here #za

FreddyWonder: oops, can’t tweet, being called for dinner! What’s that, hon? We’re having Head Cheese…. well that’s weird. Hon’? HON”?! #za

thraeryn: YAY! Found it! Still have to destroy those stairs. #za

lnich: Wait wait, the game is back on, but the camera’s broken or something , it’s all . . . red. Is that screaming? #za

BittenUsagi: Good thing it’s after 4:20. That means the neighbors are stoned so they can’t run as fast. #za

the_patches: At home depot. Place is full of useful stuff, but hard to defend. #za

TheBloggess: FYI? Burning zombies can still kill you. Now they’re even more dangerous than ever. This was a horrible idea. #za

TheBloggess: Also, it smells like barbecue. Weird. #za

xoxoroo: its a block party! No, it’s a tea party! No, it’s Zombie Apocolypse! #za no wait. it’s a tea party.

CassieLynn: What do vegetarian zombies eat? Actual vegetarians? #za

ElGatoCello: They eat GRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS.

SarahJaneLehoux: Think I’ll shamble around someones backyard & ignore their “you okay, ma’am?”s until they’re within reach. Do-gooders taste better. #za

TheBloggess: @alittlepregnant “Zombie carrion”. I would retweet that if I wasn’t busy beating burning chimney zombies with a bat. #za

TheBloggess: And now the bat’s on fire. Honestly, this day could not get any worse. #za

freakingmuse: Why the hell are so many of the zombies burning? It stinks of burning flesh everywhere. Stop setting them on fire! It doesn’t kill them #za

TheBloggess: And now Victor’s yelling at me for setting his autographed baseball bat on fire. THE BURNING ZOMBIES SET IT ON FIRE, ASSHOLE #za

schoolofmom:  Have resorted to electric bread knife/bleach combo. Now they’re dismembered AND disinfected. #za

TheBloggess: Note to self: You really find out just who you’re married to when zombies attack. Rethink your priorities, Victor. #za

worldocrap: I’m eating brains right now on my balcony. #za

SparklySnarkery: @worldocrap hold still. there’s something on your face. I’ll help you get it off. don’t mind the shotgun #za

ElGatoCello: I miss the good old days where people’s faces didn’t get eaten off their bodies while they screamed…#za

agentdani: This isn’t so bad. Brains taste pretty good. Like leftover Chinese. …wait ew. #zombpocalypse #za

CreacherTeacher: Just came home to a surprise party! So exciting! They all jumped out and…ate…my…legs. *sigh* #za

SparklySnarkery: damn squirrel zombies. those bastards are FAST #za

JenniferBWhite: So, like, the zombie apocalypse is going down on Twitter. Why do I have the feeling that ppl actually WOULD tweet the #za if it went down?

CrunchyCarpets: Can’t believe zombies woke the fucking baby up #za

AngieJustAngie: I vote to keep zombies out of Missouri. #za Actually, I don’t know why they’d want to come here anyway. #Missouri

TheBloggess: Fuck. I look down to send one tweet and Victor’s missing an arm. I’m never going to hear the end of this. #za

Tony_Hunt: Went to the church to help out there. What’s black and white and red all over? A nun being eaten by zombies #za

agentdani: Jesus, watch where you’re shambling, guys. Nearly took my arm off. #zombpocalypse #za

ElGatoCello: What is Billy Mays doing here? Oh, right. #za

maybaby: Hope the cover is on the hot tub. If zombies fall in, I’ll never get the filter clean. #za

ElGatoCello: NO, DAMN IT, I DO NOT WANT OXYCLEAN! I DON’T CARE HOW WELL IT GETS THE BLOODSTAINS OUT OF YOUR SHIRT ZOMBIE BILLY MAYS! #za

TheBloggess: I’ve locked myself in the closet with my phone, which is dying. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Too busy bleeding to find it. #za

thraeryn: If there’s a band named “Dead Americans”, I bet they’re pretty pissed about this whole turn of events. #za

TheBloggess: I can hear Victor scratching at the door. He says I smell delicious and “why didn’t I do the dishes?”. Some things never change. #za

TheBloggessAND I just lost another follower. Way to kick a girl when she’s down, asshole. #za

gardnervh: @TheBloggess 4 more followers lost to the zombie attack. Your house and follower list are both burning. #za

TheBloggess: It’s getting dark and my phones almost dead. Also, Victor bit off my thumb so I can’t text for shit. Asshole. #za

CreacherTeacher:  Houston is totally devastated from the #za. I’ve bunkered down. I guess our only hope now is to wait for FEMA. Oh, EFF.

@TheBloggess: @CreacherTeacher Yeah. We’re fucked.

@teammandy But I LIKE my brain. #za

SparklySnarkery: oh hell. zombie marvin zindler. he’s asking to see my refrigerator. NO MARVIN, YOU CAN’T #za

AngelaAckerman: #za I’m participating in Earth Hour by hunting zombies instead of watching TV. What are you doing to save the earth?

Charlie_O: Zombie JFK Jr just flew a plane into my house! Shitty pilot then, shitty pilot now. #ZA

BittenUsagi: Apartment complexes are a zombie buffet. #za

thraeryn: Note: if someone outside tells you the Dead Kennedys are doing a show, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR. #za

hasselhofford: @TheBloggess I’m disappointed at how ill-prepared you were for this apocalypse we all saw coming from a mile away. #za

Valya: The zombies…not as well-dressed. Except her…wait! Is that Oprah Zombie!!!??!?! #za

SarahJaneLehoux: Just cracked open my boss’s skull and feasted on the goo within. I’d say this is the American dream, but I’m Canadian. #za

TheBloggess: Phone’s almost dead. They’re coming through the windors. This will be my last tweet. I love you all. #za

TheBloggessCrap. I mean “windows”. I can’t even do my last tweet with dignity. WTF, me? #za

Cecilyk: Zoolander just came on the TV; clearly, they knew the zombie apocalypse was coming. #za

Valya: Anyone else in Chicago see this!? Oprah Zombie seems to be controlling the others. They’ve fallen behind her & obey her sign language. #za

@theelusivefish: .@Valya and if everyone looks under their seats … you got a brain! and you got a brain! and you got a Brian, but he has a brain! #za

PlaguedBySquids: Now clawing at my door. Awfully impolite. There’s a doorbell, you guys. #za

daddyscratches: A few weeks ago when my neighbor pissed me off and I told him to “eat me”? This totally wasn’t what I had in mind. #za

SparklySnarkery:  Only in America do zombies get healthcare, but women still have to pay out of pocket for birth control #za

ElGatoCello: I mean, I’m all about a face-lift in times of crisis, but this? Ridiculous and out of hand. I mean, at least let me keep my nose. #za

SarahJaneLehoux: Cause you have to think logistics. Too many zombies = not enough food. I’m worried we’re going into a brain recession. #za

insaneartgurl: My in-laws just called to say they’re coming over for a bite. Never did trust them. #za

insaneartgurl: There’s a lot of yelling coming from the neighbors. Can’t tell if the zombies got them or they’re just fighting again. Hope it’s zombies #za

fentonslee: Circumcision leads to zombie apocalypse. #za #i2

ASaville: Zombris?

ElGatoCello: I decided to go with a Reuben for dinner. He was not pleased to say the least. #za

jlcs621: beware of bathrooms. you’re at your most vulnerable. they can just smell it. #za

OCTBernie: Fact: it takes 5 zombies to unscrew a lightbulb, but only 1 zombie to unscrew your arm. #za

OCTBernie: The lesson here? Disguise your arms as lightbulbs and you’ll do much better. #za

ElGatoCello:  Hey now, brains are delicious. You don’t NEED an excuse to eat them. #za

@xkab: impatiently waiting for justin beeber to turn zombie so i can go all-out-alice on his ass. #za

ElGatoCello: Alright. Gonna go play Shamble Shamble Revolution now. #za

worldocrap: you know what would be bad? what if zombies could only be killed by round the clock playing of “Air Supply”? #za

CassieLynn: I would eat the people I find most annoying first, but Paris Hilton looks too crunchy. And she might talk during. #za

jason_spadaro: Not sure if it’s a zombie or one of the neighbors, but it’s chained up outside now. #za

jason_spadaro: They had an argument, confirming that they’re neighbors. They just went from captives to early alarm system. #za

Soulprncs3: What is with all the zombie tweets? Is that why they want us to turn off all the lights tonight? Ain’t falling for it. #za

CassieLynn: When I’m a zombie, I’m dipping everyone in RANCH. #za

the_patches: Managed to escape from Home Depot. +1 chainsaw, -1 father. I call it a wash. #za

delenn13: They dance…then they eat. So you have to play Thriller over and over again. @insaneartgurl #za

CassieLynn: Tearing myself away from Zombie Apocalypse to shower. Which is basically like rinsing off an apple before you chow down. FUCK. #za

@CaptCorndog: Eat the Canadians first, I hear they are tastier.#ZA

CassieLynn:  Haven’t been eaten by zombies yet. I feel weirdly dejected.  Doubting my deliciousness.

CassieLynn: Honestly, its like waiting for my prom date who never shows up. To eat my brains. He’s Just Not That Into You…’re brains. #za

jason_spadaro: Chained up 30 zombies during three plays of “thriller”. Got ’em. Now what do I do with them, twitter? #za

jason_spadaro: Zombie chorus line? WIN. #za #petzombie Maybe they can do “Cats”.

jason_spadaro: ISO a choreographer who isn’t afraid to take risks. #za#petzombie

jaycee: Ten years of reflexively judging a building on its defensive merits from zombies. Totally worth it. #za

jason_spadaro: For Sale: LOT 30 highly caffeinated zombies WHO WILL NEVER HAVE A DANCING CAREER. $1 a piece OBO. #za #petzombie

TheBloggess: And this is why I love twitter. #za

TheBloggess: Also, I had no idea how unprepared we all were for the zombie apocalypse. It’s not always going to be a drill, people. #za

@4vrannaday: What do you mean it was ‘only a drill’? I SHOT MY NEIGHBOR. yes. Headshot. #za

@jason_spadaro: Just checked on the zombies. They started arguing over who was more talented… For Sale: 15 highly caffeinated zombies…#za #petzombie

ohwhoa_svea: sleeping with a chain saw tied to a bat. #za

SarahJaneLehoux: All right, it’s been fun. Night, fellow zombies. Be seeing you, food. #za

Comment of the day: I’ve been busy preparing for the Zombie Goddamn Apocalypse for three years and I leave Twitter for 15 motherfucking minutes and I miss it. Thanks a lot, Bloggess. ~ Stimey

I’m way too whiney to think of a witty title for this right now.

zombie baby

Mmmmm...brains.

So the other day I cut through the park on the way to an appointment when I see these babies and I’m like Oh my God, those are the cutest babies ever but where are their parents and OH HOLY SHIT.

THAT BABY IS TOTALLY EATING THAT OTHER BABY’S BRAIN.

And that’s when I’m all “Fuck.  That baby is a goddamn zombie”.  Fantastic.  Oh, and now the other baby is infected and it’s a zombie too.  Fucking great. Awesome.  That’s exactly what I needed today was to be stalked by two zombie babies.  I mean it’s not that big of a deal because they can’t walk yet so I just have to keep shoving their heads away from me with my shoe, except what the hell do I do now?  It’s not like I can kill a baby.  Even a zombie one.  And where the hell are their parents anyway and why is this my problem? GET OFF ME BABIES. And then a police officer shows up and is all “IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE, MA’AM AND WHY ARE YOU KICKING BABIES?!”

And I’m like “No officer, there’s not a problem.  I’m just kicking these babies because they’re fucking zombies.  And it’s really less of a ‘kick’ than it is a ‘benign but effective defensive maneuver’.  What? No, actually I’m not going to lay down on the ground with my hands behind my head because that’s where the zombie babies are.”  And then I got distracted because the officer was being an asshole and that’s when one of the babies chewed through my Achilles tendon.

So long story short?  Yeah. I had a terrible day.

PS.  This post is really just a metaphor for the kind of day I’m having because someone sent me that picture and he was all “I thought this would cheer you up” and I’m all “THESE ZOMBIE BABIES ARE FUCKED UP.  STOP SENDING ME THIS SHIT” and my friend implied that I have emotional problems for immediately jumping to the conclusion that the baby was a zombie but I have an excuse because I’m dying.  And yes, that’s a slight exaggeration but not by much because I’m taking this chemo drug for my rheumatoid arthritis and it’s making me throw up a lot and and the outside of the bottle is all “YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE“.

Actual text meant to scare the shit out of you, I assume:

“Some side effects of methotrexate may cause death. You should only take methotrexate to treat life-threatening cancer, or certain other conditions that are very severe and that cannot be treated with other medications”

Which sounds ungood, right?  But actually my arthritis has been in a remission for the last couple months so technically the worst part was just the treatment itself because it makes me throw up all the time.  So last week I convinced my doctor to cut my 10 pill dose down to 8 pills which was awesome because I stopped throwing up but then I woke up this morning and I can barely walk.  Awesome.  And what really sucks is that NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHY THIS DRUG WORKS.  They’re guessing it *may* work because it fucks up your immune system and keeps cells from growing properly so your body attacks your immune system instead of your joints.  Because who needs a working immune system when you have an autoimmune disease that makes you so sick that your best option is to take a drug that can kill you?  Basically it’s like being stabbed in the neck to take your mind off your stubbed toe.  And that’s why today my feet feel like tiny zombies have been gnawing on them.  See what I did there?  Full circle. Moral:  Rheumatoid arthritis is worse than being attacked by baby zombies.  I think someone has said that before.  Probably Hemingway.

Comment of the day: I think this is just evolution in action: the big baby is going straight for the brain, & the little one is trying to figure out how to eat a SHOE. I’m assuming survival of the fittest works for zombies.  I mean they’re technically dead, right? I’m confusing myself now. ~ Drolgerg

UPDATED: This is a whole post explaining why this post is not funny at all

Remember last year when I wrote that post about mistaking a photo of premature baby feet for delicious raspberry gummi bears and people saw the photo and thought I’d posted a picture of dismembered baby feet and so I had to go back and clarify that the baby was totally fine and I was all “Seriously guys, no matter how dark my sense of humor is I can assure you that I will never post fucked-up shit like dismembered baby feet to make you laugh because that’s fucking insane” and then I had to actually add a tag to my blog called “NOT dismembered baby feet” which is pretty much the most embarrassing disclaimer to ever have to make about your writing.

Well today I almost posted a photo of this monster that washed up on the beach in New York and I had some devastating funny moderately amusing quips about it being another tiny sasquatch or possible an R.O.U.S but before I finished my post some experts started saying that it’s probably a drowned dog and so I’m dusting off the “No Dismembered Baby Feet Or Other Fucked-Up Shit Clause” here so I can save you the emotional turmoil of having to stare in awe at a totally cool monster which we may later find out is a totally decomposing dog.  Unless you want to stare at it, in which case it’s right here, you sick, wonderful freaks.

And speaking of things which are supposed to be funny but fail miserably, did you read that the University of Wolverhampton (this is a real place) recently published an article about the oldest recorded joke in the world?  It was told by the Sumerians in 1900 BC and goes like this:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Um.  What? 

I don’t even understand the sentence structure.  Something that never happened is that a young woman never farted?  Isn’t that a double negative?  Wouldn’t one negative cancel out the other?  Then the joke would be “Something that did happen: Some chick farted on her husband’s lap.”

Which actually?  Is kinda funny.  I actually giggled when I typed that. 

Touché, Sumerians.  4000 years later and it’s still fresh.

 

PS.  I told my coworker that scientists had discovered the world’s oldest joke and he told me not to tell him the punchline and ruin it for him.  I was all “It’s fucking four THOUSAND years old, DJ.  I don’t think it qualifies for a spoiler alert warning.”  Then he put his fingers in his ears and yelled “Lalalalala!” and ran away before I could tell him the joke, which, in all fairness, I probably would have fucked up anyway.

UpdateAdditional pictures of the dog monster have turned up which help to explain absolutely nothing and might make you throw up a lot.

Comment of the day: If it starts out “A Phonecian walked into a bar…” I’ve heard it. ~ Apathy Lounge