Category Archives: turning into a cat lady

So where do we go from here?

This post peppered with medicinal kittens because smarter people are writing better things so I’m doing this instead.

This was a lot of us the night of the election:

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If you’re like me you’ve been spending the last days feeling helpless and uncertain what to do.

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Some things are easy, like donating to causes that you feel are important and might get left behind.  Some are harder, like reaching out to people who are hurting even if you don’t know how to help and are afraid you’ll fuck it all up and make it worse.

A lot of us keep getting stuck in that place where we hate humanity and are ready to become hermits.

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Things feel upside down and scary.  Your emotions are valid.  It’s okay to be angry or scared or freaked out for yourself or for people you love.

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Practice self-care.  Take a walk.  Do some art.  Sit in the grass and drink a booze-slushie.  Read a book.  Watch Doctor Who.  Avoid the internet when it gets to be too much.

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There’s some crazy-ass bullshit out there and the craziest bullshit has the loudest voice.  Do not engage the crazy people.  Someone calling you the c word is not someone to be reasoned with.  Pick your battles.  There will be plenty.

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It’s going to hurt for awhile.  So much so that you might not have the strength to help yourself.  Ask for help.  You aren’t alone.  Sometimes you need help to pull yourself off the train tracks, and sometimes you’ll be the person pulling someone else off.  This is how we survive.

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Look for goodness.  There are so many people posting loving and caring responses or who are there to give hugs and protection.  There are so many more than you think.  Look for those glimmers of light.

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We may disagree on many things but I feel confident that anyone who is a member of this community wants safety, equality, justice and happiness for every minority group that is afraid today.  This is a safe place and that is a needed thing.  Thank you for providing that.

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There are serious problems in the world today and writing a post filled with kitten gifs is fucking ridiculous.  But ridiculous is what I do best.  And kittens are the closest thing we have to medicinal marijuana in Texas so I’m working with what I have.

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Once you feel better though it will be time to turn your hand to making things better in a world that seems more divided than it ever has been.   Maybe it’s just smiling at everyone you meet.  Maybe it’s paying for the person behind you in the Starbucks drive-thru.  Maybe it’s donating to charities and organizations that help others who are struggling.  Maybe it’s just not screaming at people even though you really want to.  Maybe it’s letting people scream at you because you know they need space to vent.  Maybe it’s adopting a rescue animal and hiding away until you feel strong again, or volunteering at a hospital or homeless shelter.  Maybe it’s talking to your kids to ask if they’ve heard anyone being particularly cruel at school lately and making sure they know how to deal with it and how to report it.  Maybe it’s just ignoring this post and not writing something hateful about it even though you really, really want to.  Maybe it’s forgiving others or yourself.  Maybe it’s just continuing to breathe and not hurt yourself or others.  Those are all big things.

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Whatever it is, I’m grateful.  It starts small.  It starts with us.  Me and you.

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PS. Back to non-political stuff next week.  Promise.  Also, my last post was political and had over 400 comments and so far they are overwhelmingly compassionate and empathetic and encouraging.  That’s a small miracle, you guys, but it’s one we keep pulling off.  Thank you for being amazing and being a safe place for so many of us.

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PPS.  Happy Veterans Day.  Thank you to all those who serve to protect us.  I hope we can protect you right back.

Turning into a cat lady. Literally.

So, my friend sent me a picture of me with cats all over my head and it turns out that there’s an app that lets you paste cat’s faces over any flaws you want to hide.  I find it very helpful because I can hide my face and add some text and then use it to send angry messages to people I don’t like.

Here are a few of my favorites:

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bloggesscatface 2

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Related: Victor says this is all a bit creepy and would like me to stop texting him unsettling cat pictures.  Too late, Victor.  I can’t be stopped now.

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PS.That last one was a bit creepy even for me.  Sorry about that.

Just…no.

I got out of bed at 2am to pee but it was cold so I hurried back, but when I jumped back into bed the blanket got caught on something when I tried to yank it up toward me and so I ended up accidentally punching myself right in the face.

And I just sat there, stunned for a minute, and then I tried to see what the blanket was caught on but it was wadded into a ball and I didn’t want to get out of bed again because I was cold and I’d just been assaulted and so I turned on my phone to use as a flashlight and turns out it was Hunter S. Thomcat.  And he was like “Yeah.  I did that.  I made you punch yourself in the face.”

And I believe it too because look at this face:

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Good Luck Satan

Yesterday I went to a thrift store and I saw an old hand-embroidered tablecloth and I thought, Does that say “GOOD LUCK SATAN”?

good luck satanThen I looked closer and realized that no…no it doesn’t say that.

good luck on saturn

It actually says “GOOD LUCK ON SATURN”.  Which makes…slightly more sense?

Then I unfolded it and realized it says: “GOOD LUCK on SATURDAY”.  Which is honestly sort of a let-down after all of that.  Personally I preferred “GOOD LUCK on SATURN” because the embroidered cat looks all kinds of pissed off, like she’d stab you if she got a chance, but she’d settle for just shipping you off to Saturn.  And she made you a hot, poisoned pie to keep you warm because Saturn is all icy and cold.

So I’ve made some changes:

goodluckonsaturnPS. I made you a pillow.  It’s just like the ones your grandma made, but with more stabbing:

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National Dress Your Cat Up Day

It seems like it was JUST National Dress Your Cat Up Day but I guess it’s here again.  Let’s celebrate, motherfuckers.

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EVERY day is Cat Day

Apparently National Cat Day was October 29th and I missed it, so I guess that explains why Ferris Mewler threw up in my shoe.  In my defense, it was just World Cat Day in August.  Why do cats need so many days?  No clue.  But to make up for whatever I did to offend the cats I’m sharing the pictures I took of Ferris Mewler, who was ignoring me badly in spite of the fact that he would starve without me:

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Is it just me or is he flipping me off in that last picture?  Because I think he is.

This is exactly why people prefer dogs, Ferris.

 

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week‘s wrap-up is brought to you by Crumple + Toss, who are perfect for your holiday stationery needs. Everything from typical Christmas fare: nativities, poinsettias, and the like, to irreverent and hilarious selections guaranteed to offend.  This one is a personal fave.  Christmas not your jam? There’s plenty of Chanukah cards as well as “Happy Whatever” to cover your ass in awkward situations.  Come have a look around!

Cats never have to empty the dishwasher

Cats are very lucky because they can hide just about anywhere.

I’m sure there are downsides, but it would be nice if when Victor was calling me to show me how I’d loaded the dishwasher wrong again I could just disappear, and then hours later when I showed up I’d be like, “You were calling me?  Sorry.  I was asleep in the dryer.”  Or “I couldn’t hear you because I got shut in a drawer. My bad.”  You can’t get mad at that.

Plus, he couldn’t yell at me for loading the dishwasher incorrectly because I’m a cat and cats don’t clean.

Or rather, they do, but in different ways. Like, they clean their butts with their tongues. Which actually sounds much worse than having to load the dishwasher now that I think about it.

Never mind. I guess the grass is always greener on the side of the fence, until you realize you have to lick  your own butt-hole on that side, and then you decide you prefer your original side, where all you have to do is just poorly load the dishwasher enough times that your husband will just loudly huff and passive-aggressively reload it for you.

PS.  I still think it’s a little unfair that I can’t hide in the dryer, but I suppose we can’t have everything, and I think I’ll remind Victor of that small injustice next time he yells at me about the dishwasher. That way he’ll know that I’m suffering too.

And that's why you always check your dryer.  Also, this dryer looks improperly loaded.  It's a damn epidemic.

This is an old picture but it fits here.  And that’s why you should always check your dryer. Also, this dryer looks improperly loaded. It’s a damn epidemic in this house.

“CAT WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE!” (would probably be my catchphrase.)

This week I was contacted about possibly being next year’s Ziploc spokesperson for upcoming new products.  They were very sweet and asked what my fees would be if I was selected and so I quickly responded in the most professional way possible by clarifying that if the “new products” they’re offering include home-made waterbeds for cat then I expect royalties, because I invented those years ago.

The rest of my response:

I’m almost certain this would be a bad idea so I’m in, but only if Ziploc meets these conditions:

1) My fee of $100,000, or $200,000 worth of Ziploc bags. The Ziploc bags should be filled with $100,000.

2) The cat waterbed must be put into production, or at least a prototype made.

3) I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet. Something with an oxygen tank, preferably.

4) I don’t have a four but I think people take you more seriously when you have a four so I’m just going to leave this here.

Surprisingly, they have not responded.

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Bonus: If you’re too tired to go back and read about cat waterbeds my talented friends made that post into a comic years ago.  They pretty much nailed it.

from taroch vol 2

I’m insulted in several ways.

I think most cats technically already have great mustaches, but you just can’t tell because we don’t shave the rest of their bodies, and I think that’s probably very sad for them because they can’t show off their dapper kitty facial hair.

Or at least, that was the reason that I gave Victor when he asked me why I kept trying to stick a fake mustache on Hunter S. Thomcat.
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PS. This is unrelated but I thought I’d share.  You know when websites use algorithms to figure out what you’d be most likely buy and then they put those recommendations on your front page?  Yeah.  So this is what Amazon personally suggested I’d want today:

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What they said:

“Get Yourself a Little Something” 

 

What they’re really saying:

“Hey!  CHECK OUT THIS straight jacket!  Buy some lizard feet!  Treat yourself, ya FREAKY lunatic!”

And I think the most insulting thing here is that I actually am interested in all of those things and now I can’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to wear those Lizard Feet while I’m writing, but I can’t even have them because I’m allergic to latex.  So now I feel bad for wanting them and also bad because it’s like Amazon is taunting me on purpose.

Also, when I went to look at the lizard feet Amazon told me that if I liked those feet then I’d totally want this shirt.

And they were right.  The bastards.

 

 

 

Hunter S. Thomcat is a traitor. An adorable, fluffy traitor.

Rolly is the kind of cat who will sometimes let you pet her but then will unexpectedly bite you in the eye because it’s Wednesday, and if you try to pick her up SHE WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU.  Hunter S. Thomcat takes a slightly different approach…

HST is a bit of a traitor