Category Archives: weekly reruns

Yes, I am neurotic. Thank you for noticing!

I’m often described as being “highly neurotic” and I agree with that 100%.  I just don’t agree that “neurotic” means what some people think it means.  Some people go by the boring, standard definition as outlined in the dictionary describing someone who is “mentally disturbed, unstable, or unbalanced”.  And while that’s all technically true of me, I think it’s important to point out that “neuro” means “brain, nerve or nervous system” so if “artistic” means someone with great art skills, then by that logic, “neurotic” would mean someone with amazing brain skills.  In other words, you say “neurotic”, I say “incredibly intelligent.”

Victor rejected this logical conclusion because he says “that’s not how words work” but I suspect he really just disagrees because he’s simply not neurotic enough to understand me.  He agreed completely.  Probably for the wrong reasons though.

I’d petition Webster’s to add my definition under “neurotic” but I lost all respect  for dictionaries last year when they changed the definition of “literally” to also mean “not really literally at all“.  Literally.  So instead I just wrote my definition of “neurotic” (in pen) into my local library’s copy of the dictionary, and I’d suggest you do the same.  If you get caught just explain that you had to do it because you are dangerously neurotic and the librarians won’t mess with you because they’ll be intimidated by how smart you are.  (But only after you show them the new definition of “neurotic”, which you just scrawled in their dictionary, so write quickly.)

Poll time!

 

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shit i did


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the fabulous Michael Meyerhofer who just released his first fantasy novel, WytchFire (The Dragonkin Trilogy, Book 1).   Part Game of Thrones, part X-Men, Wytchfire takes place in a land haunted by the legacy of dead dragons, wherein those born with magical abilities are hunted down-sometimes, for good reason. As war roils across the continent, one mercenary finds himself caught in the middle.  You should check it out here.

I’m not talking ’bout the weather.

Conversation I had with Victor when he heard me singing along to Dan Seal’s  “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight“:

Victor: Seriously?  If there was a competition for fucking up lyrics we’d have to build another house to store all your trophies.

me:  I’m pretty sure that’s how the song goes.  “I’m not talking ’bout the weather. And I don’t want to change your mind.  But there’s a warm wind blowing the stars around.  And I’d really love to see you tonight.”

Victor:  No.  It’s “I’m not talking ’bout moving in.  And I don’t want to change your life.”  He’s talking about having a one-night-stand, not about the weather.

me:  He’s obviously talking about the weather.  He just predicted extreme winds capable of blowing stars around.  That’s head-for-your-cellar kind of weather.

Victor:  No.  He’s implying that the stars of fate are being realigned for just that night.

me:  So he’s just a dirty liar.

Victor:  I guess.

me:  Huh.  Well, I wouldn’t trust that guy to tell me about the weather.

Victor: HE’S NOT TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER.

me:  I KNOW, VICTOR.  THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS JUST SINGING.

Victor: I give up.

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shit i did


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Good Egg Candles, which are incredibly gorgeous.  From the artist: “I make candles out of eggshells. I paint, carve, and fill the eggshells. I color and scent the wax. I do all the work by hand, and all the painting is done freehand.” Refill kits let you re-use the candles forever so they can become treasured heirlooms.   These are my favorites.  You should check them out here.

Questions that haunt me. Show your work.

This week has been full of angst and weirdness and deep questions that keep us up too late at night and I’m not smart enough to debate them now, so instead  I’m asking you for help in answering an important question that’s been haunting me since I first started arguing with Victor about it in the 90’s:

bloggesspopsicle

I’m not going to tell you what I think because Victor says it’s creating a bias in the poll results, but I will tell you that I would never eat “eight popsicles in a row” because that would be insane, but eating four popsicles on a hot day is a completely reasonable and healthy response.  Okay…your turn:

 

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shit i did


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Love On El Camino, a fascinating blog which follows Shannon and Eric, as they hike 600 miles thru France and Spain on El Camino de Santiago de Compostela. Even though they are on this journey together, they are driven by different purposes. You can follow along on their pilgrimage, as they write vulnerably, sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. The kicker is that they aren’t reading what the other one writes until the week before their wedding in October. Until then, only you, as the reader, will know both sides of the story.  You should check it out here.

Five pounds of delicious, floating cheese.

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  Which weighs more? Five pounds of cheese, or five pounds of helium?

Victor: Is this a trick question?

me:  No, I’ve been thinking about this for hours.  Helium floats so does that mean you could you only make it weigh more if you added more helium?  Or would it weigh less because it’s more?

Victor:  I’d guess that five pounds of helium would be heavier than five pounds of cheese because you’d have to put the five pounds of helium in something to contain it and the container would add fractionally more weight.

me:  Maybe.  But maybe helium would weigh less than cheese because helium floats but it could still be measured in PSI.  Like, you could have five pounds per square inch pressure of helium which doesn’t actually weigh anything on a scale.

 Victor:  My head hurts.

me:  That’s some deep chicken-and-egg shit there, dude.

Okay…your turn.

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shitidid


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

  • Taxidermied unicorn.  If it was full-sized I would totally buy it.
  • Life-sized weeping angel.  I suggest buying it and hiding it behind doors in the bathroom so when people pee on themselves it’ll be easier to clean up.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely Melany of Melany’s Guydlines.  All snark, all true. Nine lives worth of short stories, advice and raw judgement on friendships, relationships, products and everything in between.  From Melany: “Nothing is off limits.  These stories could only happen to me.  I will make you laugh and shake your head.  Are you ready?”  Check her out here.

ANGRY POLLS (Volume II)

Last week thousands of you voted in my first ever ANGRY POLL where I asked you help settle an argument Victor and I were having.  The question was “Does eating powered sugar donuts make your mouth feel cold?

The results:

  • “Of course.  That’s just science.” = 26%
  • “Of course not.  What the hell is wrong with you?” = 26%
  • “Now I want donuts.  Thanks a lot, asshole.” = 40%

So basically the world can be divided into those whose mouths work properly and those whose don’t.  And those who just want donuts.  And those who answered “other” just to be purposely contrary.

For our second poll we’re moving to childhood because I insist that everyone in America was taught mandatory square dancing in elementary school and Victor just stares at me and shakes his head.

me:  This, Victor.  This is what everyone learned in music classes:

me: Who says white people can’t dance?

Victor:  Everyone who’s seen that video, to start with.

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up: Graphic by Round Table Companies Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • “BE NICE OR I WILL STAB YOU” plate.  Remind anyone eating at your place why they shouldn’t be shitty.  Bonus:  Since it’s dinner you are likely to be actually holding a knife when they get to the message at the bottom of their plate, so they’re even more likely to take you seriously.  Great for Thanksgiving.
  • Bloody drawstring backpack.  Perfect for wet swimsuits or small books or one large human head.  The wording is nice because it’s comforting but it also tells people you might be dangerous.  Also, good camouflage in case zombies attack.

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Suburban Underbelly, a book by the lovely Michele Theron.  “For suburban moms Quinn, Jill, and Lucy, freedom from motherhood as a competitive sport starts innocently enough: three hours a week without kids.  Before they know it, things are careening out of control and their lives change in ways that they never could have imagined.  Sexy, snarky, smart and funny as hell–SUBURBAN UNDERBELLY invites you into a world with the best friends we all wish we had”.  Check it out here.

ANGRY POLLS (Volume I)

At least once a day Victor and I have a disagreement about something ridiculous and I always wish that I had all of the internet in the car with us to tell Victor that he’s insane, or to tell me that my hair looks nice.  I’ve decided to start sharing these disagreements here in the form of polls because I think it was Gandhi who said “The secret to a happy marriage is to drag in lots of strangers to join in your bloody conflicts.”

This week’s big disagreement was about the fact that he likes powdered donuts and I hate them.  I explained that powdered sugar makes my mouth unnaturally cold and was probably made by evil wizards.  He argued that powdered sugar did no such thing to him and that I was insane.  I argued that powdered sugar makes everyone’s mouth cold and that if I ever decided to run a marathon I’d carry a bunch of powdered sugar to sprinkle on my body whenever I got overheated.  He argued that I would never run a marathon.  He won that particular argument.

But the powdered sugar question still stands, so please be honest:

 

Added educational bonus:  If you’re one of the people afflicted with “my-mouth-thinks-powdered-sugar-tastes-like-refrigerated-poison”, here is the best explanation I found on reddit: powderedsugar

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up: Graphic by Round Table Companies Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by an amazing anonymous company who wants to encourage you to give back to your favorite charity site.  Maybe it’s freerice, or Heifer, or Climb Out of the Darkness.   My personal favorite is Project Night Night, which provides homeless children with a new security blanket, a book, and a stuffed animal all nestled inside a new canvas tote bag.  You can sponsor an entire Night Night Package for a homeless child for just $25 online, or if you can’t afford that then use your voice to promote your own favorite charity to others.  This might be my favorite sponsored post ever.
 Thank you for being awesome.

Oh, you.

Sometimes I look at what people are searching for that brings them to this blog, and sometimes the search term is so long that you have to hover over it with your curser to see the search phrase pop up, and then you just sort of back away slowly while shaking your head.

Below is a screenshot of a few things people were googling that brought them to this blog.  (If you can’t read the picture then click on it once to see a larger version.)

Baffled.

PS. A message to the person leaving the second search-term:  I’m not sure if you meant to write “babyshitting” or “babysitting” but either way, you’ve managed to misspell it.  Also, what is wrong with you?

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

(graphic by Kelly Vivanco)

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Tonya Wyles, a former Army chick and stay at home mom who was once laid off while in full costume.  She’s now a professional Mary Kay Beauty consultant so she gets to spend time with her family and help women discover they can have great skin.  Also, you can do an online makeover at 3am like I did.  Check her (and the virtual makeover application) out right here.
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