Category Archives: weekly reruns

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! Good things, mostly. Well done, you.

Merry Christmas!  Happy Hanukkah!  Jolly Festivus!  Insert whatever is necessary here!

I tried to count up all the toys and coats and books and blankets sent to children through this year’s Jame Garfield Miracle and I lost track after a few hours so I suspect it’s much more but I estimate that over $75k in clothes and toys were sent to children this year by our amazing community.  That includes over $25,000 in donations to Project Night Night to help homeless children.  (From Project Night Night:  “We are floored and so, so grateful!”)  I can’t share them for privacy sake but I’ve received so many pictures of small, beaming faces surprised with unexpected things under the tree.  You really are full of magic.  Thank you.  Thank you to those who helped and those who asked for help and those who stopped by to send love and encouragement.  In the last 7 years we’ve given over $400,000 to make sure that kids had a happy holiday.  No sponsors.  No marketing.  Just people working together for the good of others.  That’s insane, y’all.  

(And a very special thank you to a young lady who was herself helped during the very first James Garfield Miracle and who this year was so thrilled to be able to pass on gifts to a child in need.  Your email made me cry but in such a good way.)

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James Garfield and I love you.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

xmas

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. It’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here.  Christmas vouchers are on sale today so if you fucked up and gave your honey a terrible gift you can go now and buy a voucher right here and be like, “I was totally kidding about that machete I gave you for Christmas.  THIS IS MY REAL PRESENT.  I’m gonna give you a bad-ass massage.  PLEASE PUT DOWN THE MACHETE.”  Seriously.  Put down the machete.  Pick up some massage skills.  We all win.

This is what comes from insomnia.

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take the new templates on picmonkey for Christmas cards but then remake them completely for my own amusement.  They’re probably too late to get by Christmas but I thought I’d share them here because they made me laugh.

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Victor says some of these aren’t even Christmas related but I think maybe we’ve been having different Christmases.

Also, I made the 2017 Bloggess Calendar.  Whoo!  Click on the images if you wanna check any out.screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-15-36-pm

PS. Calendar cover image illustrated by my talented friend Joe Badon.  He is a bad-ass.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Basically everything at the beginning of this post.  Just click on the images for the links.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, especially since it equips you with the training to give a kick-ass massage to your honey for the holiday.  It’s way better than a tie or a blender or a mop.  Why were you even thinking about give a mop?  That’s a terrible gift. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying.

Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

I keep a folder on my desktop of insulting things the internet has done to me.  It’s a very large folder.  Here are some of the most recent things which were insulting, and also very accurate and therefore even more insulting:

1

Suggested post on Facebook.  “Everything that inspires you, right here.” That right there is a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit. So…yeah.

COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.

Recommended for me by Amazon.  COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.  The usual.

Thanks, Linked in.

Thanks for believing in me, LinkedIn.

You don't know me, google.

You don’t know me, google.

What are you trying to say, google?

What are you trying to say, google?

Then someone told me to google my name + meme and I really should have known better after all of this.  But I didn’t.

7

Aw.  Thanks, internets.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by DIY Shareable, a site for DIYers who love to discover, create, & share inspiring DIY projects and ideas that highlight creativity, frugality, & repurpose.  From them: “Save money and time and let your creative juices flow in all things DIY, including home decor, crafts, organization, outdoor projects, and more.  Find DIY Inspiration in Our World. Share It in Yours.”  I’ve been looking at it and there’s a lot of great stuff about organization or decor but my personal favorite right now is the ugly Christmas Sweater post.  Now I need to make a puking reindeer sweater desperately.  Thanks, DIY Shareable.

Spellcheck is a bit of an asshole.

Today I got an email from a friend and it said, “Just thinking of you today, diarrhea.  How ya doing?” and I was like, “I was doing better before you called me ‘diarrhea’?  Is that your pet name for me?  Because I’m not sure I love it” and then she was like, “FOR FUCKS SAKE, SPELLCHECK.  I typed ‘dearheart’ and spellcheck auto-corrected it to ‘diarrhea’.  I don’t think you’re diarrhea.” And I guess that makes sense because even as I’m typing this spellcheck is like “‘DEARHEART’ ISN’T A REAL WORD.  I’M HELPING,” but when it comes to someone calling me “diarrhea” spellcheck is all, “YEP!  THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.  NO PROBLEMS HERE.”

Thanks, spellcheck.  You’re a real dearheart.

PS.  Now spellcheck is like “‘Dearheart’ still isn’t a real word.  Did you mean ‘dearhreart’?”

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No, really.  WTF.

At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Gem & Honey infused bath salts from Wild Honey Apothecary.  From them: “A bath is nothing short of a sacred return to the water. Our Gem & Honey infused bath salts are blended with only pure botanical ingredients for highly aromatic soaking pleasure. Charged with the high vibration energy of quartz crystal and infused with biodynamic honey from Wisconsin.”  Their monthly delivery service is only $10 (shipping is included) and sends you two 1.5 ounce sachets of specially blended salts and a small quartz crystal.  I’m ordering some myself.  You should check out it out right here.

That’s not how this works.

So a few days ago I shared this picture on twitter:

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…and then a stranger (whose twitter feed was mainly angry rants and vengeful bible quotes) tweeted, “ABORT YOUR DOG”.

And after about 15 seconds of this:

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200w_d

raw-1

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…I realized I couldn’t stop laughing because it was so ridiculous.

I was confused for a bit but then I figured out that she was yelling at people about abortion all day and then one of those people said something nice about my dog and this lady couldn’t handle it and also couldn’t come up with a better insult than “ABORT YOUR DOG”.  Which just makes me feel sorry for her and also makes me start giggling again because I’m a bad person and I can’t stop laughing at stupid people.  But then I thought, maybe that’s a great insult?  Because how do you even argue with that?  You can’t.  It’s too ridiculous and it makes anyone you’re fighting with pause and just walk away because you’re probably dangerous.   “Abort your dog” is the new “delete your account”.  Thank you, crazy lady.  Abort your dog too.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sleep Styler. which lets you dry and style your hair while you sleep. Before bed simply divide damp hair into sections and wind around the rollers for curly styles or hold flat and parallel to the rollers for straight.  When you wake up, just shake out of your soft, bouncy curls, and go.  The patented rollers are made with absorbent yoga towel fabric that wicks moisture away from the hair while remaining dry to the touch. Inside is soft laser-cut memory foam that conforms to your head while you sleep and the suede-like microfiber polishes the hair smooth.  For the cost of one blowout you can have effortlessly styled and healthy hair every day with The Sleep Styler.  You should check it out here.

Dorothy Barker is more graceful than any of us, really.

Today we are continuing with part 2 of “WHAT SHOULD DOROTHY BARKER WEAR FOR HALLOWEEN” because I am easily distracted and like to put clothes on dogs.  Last week she was Hank the Cow Dog.  This week she’s a ballerina.  Both weeks she’s looked at me like I’ve lost my mind and possibly I have but OMG Y’ALL.

I was never think enough to be a ballerina, but this dog is nailing it.

I was never thin enough to be a ballerina, but this dog is nailing it.

She's so happy. Or yawny. Or angry. Mostly the last two.

She’s so happy. Or yawny. Or angry. Mostly the last two.

"I'm shitting in your sandals tonight, lady." ~ Dorothy Barker

“I’m shitting in your sandals tonight, lady.” ~ Dorothy Barker

She didn’t love  wearing the tutu, but she definitely preferred it to the cowboy hat.  Next week?  We visit the dark side.

Like if Olan Mills and Glamor Shots had a dog.

Like if Olan Mills and Glamor Shots had a baby and the baby was a dog dressed as a ballerina.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

2011_07_08_bloggess_sharack

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Potsafe.  But that’s who sponsored last week, you might be saying to yourself.  And you are right.  But it’s so cool you probably want another set.  In case you missed it, it’s a safety accessory that protects kids (and everyone else) from accidental burns.  It’s actually really smart and you can check it out right here.  Mounts in minutes and protects kids (And clumsy people like me) from pulling a hot saucepan down from the stove.  Check out the video for a demo.

Let’s color together.

I’m always drawing to keep my anxiety at bay but I never color the pieces.  Just black and white and white and black, and while that’s all well and good I think it would be fun to actually add color to one of my drawings, but I don’t entirely know what I’m doing so what if we do this together?

Here’s a picture I just finished.  Print it out.  Post it on your wall.  Color it.  Smear it with water colors.  Share it with me.

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Click on the image to embiggen.

PS. This isn’t in my new book.  It’s just an extra for free because you’re awesome.  Here’s a link if you want to preorder the book.

UPDATED: COLORING IS HARD, Y’ALL.  Still working on it.

coloring-is-hard

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Potsafe.  At first I thought it was a safe to keep your pot in but turns out it’s a very cool kitchen safety accessory that protects kids (and everyone else) from accidental burns.  It’s actually really smart and you can check it out right here.  Mounts in minutes and protects kids (And clumsy people like me) from pulling a hot saucepan down from the stove.  Check out the video for a demo.

Get along, little doggies.

Y’all, it is October, which means WE SURVIVED SEPTEMBER.  GO, US.

It also means that a steady stream of pet Halloween costumes keep coming in because Victor still hasn’t reported my credit cards as stolen even though he keeps threatening to.  Victor seems to think that Dorothy Barker can just wear the first costume I find but that is ridiculous.  Mostly because pet stores don’t have dressing rooms for dogs so I have to buy them and then take them home to try them out.  Victor thinks that Dorothy Barker doesn’t even need a Halloween costume because apparently he just thinks animals should be naked all the time.  Which is sort of gross because technically when they aren’t wearing clothes they are putting their buttholes all over the house.  If anything, Victor should be thanking me. Although this first costume of the year didn’t actually cover Dorothy Barker’s butthole so I guess I can sort of see why Victor just stared at me and sighed deeply when Dorothy jumped in his lap:

Dorothy Barker as Hank the Cowdog.

Dorothy Barker as Hank the Cowdog.

Victor says she was complaining here but I think she was just yodeling.

Victor says she was complaining here, but I think she was just yodeling.

Howdy?

Howdy?

More to come.  Get ready.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!  It’s usually on a Sunday but today it’s not because I fucked up my calendar and am not responsible enough to know how days work anymore.  So it’s a little bit of Sunday on a Monday.  Except Victor just read this and reminded me it’s Tuesday.  This is Tuesday? Jesus.  I need help.

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Kathy Scheiner, fashion consultant, who introduced me to the LulaRoe clothing line that she sells here.  And she kept going on about these “buttery soft leggings” and I was like, “I don’t really do leggings” but then I got some and now I live in them.  They are like wearing a hug for your butt and they make you want to tell strangers to feel your legs.  Anyway, join her group here and she can help you out.  (LuLaRoe is a California company offering clothes sold by consultants.  Seems weird but people love it.  Check it out here.  Buy some leggings.)

One year ago

On Friday I saw my shrink and she told me that my Imposter Syndrome was out of control and that I need to stop beating myself up all the time and instead focus on the moments that make me happy.  It was very good advice and I went on twitter and did a photo flashback of moments that I’d survived or celebrated and it was weirdly healing.  Then someone reminded me that one year ago today I put out my video announcement for Furiously Happy and I watched it and remembered how lucky I am to be surrounded by people (even if most of them I’ve never met in real life) who are so lovely and human.  So I decided to celebrate I’d share the video again for those who haven’t see it, or those who need a reminder of how not alone you are, like I did.

(For those who are new, I asked friends, idols, family and community to share what makes them who they are and they each sent video snippets that were pieced together by my talented friend John Thorson.)

John also made me another video after watching what Pat Rothfuss sent in (because he was bored and also awesome) and I didn’t share it for a bit because I was afraid people would think it was silly and ridiculous but then I asked a bunch of the people in the video and they were like, “Silly and ridiculous is our damn specialty.  Publish that shit.”  So I did.  And I still can’t decide which video I like most.

Anyway, this was exactly the reminder I needed and I know September is a hard month for many of us so maybe it’ll be a reminder you need too.

One year later I am still broken.  I am still furiously happy.  And I am still not alone.

Thank you.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

  • Normally this is where I’d put links to otter videos or blog posts or such but this week has been weirdly hard and I’ve been hiding, so I’m leaving it blank so you can share anything awesome you think people should see in the comments.  Cat videos.  Things you read and loved.  Things you want to talk about.  Anything.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the latest book from Karin Slaughter ~ The Kept Woman: A Novel. Husbands and wives. Mothers and daughters. The past and the future. Secrets bind them. And secrets can destroy them.
The author of the acclaimed standalone,
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If wishes were horses…

People always say, “If wishes were horses then dreamers would ride” but tons of people wish for horses and if you wished for horses when wishes were also causing unintentional by-product wish horses you’d have twice as many horses as you need and then all the other people wishing for other non-horse things would also be making accidental by-product wish horses and suddenly we would be overrun with horses.  And then we’d be like, “God, I wish there weren’t all these horses in my house” and that would make even more horses.  End result:  too many horses.  But here’s the question I was going to ask before accidental horses took over this conversation:, If it didn’t involve accidental horse overpopulation, what one thing would you wish for right now?

PS. I asked Hailey what she would wish for if she had a genie and she said she’d wish for more wishes and I explained that that’s against the rules and so she said “Fine.  I’d wish for more genies” and then I was like, “Damn.  I wish I came up with that line.”  So basically our wishes are selfish and also incredibly meaningless.  Your turn.

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And now…guess what?  I am finally feeling me again (feeling like me, not like feeling me up.  Never mind) so I’m getting back to doing the weekly wrap-up.  Whoop!  (Click here if you want in on sponsoring one.  First come, first served.)

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Heather Thorkelson, Founder of the Republic of Freedom and teacher of 30 Days to Done. She somehow manages to travel the world while running two businesses and then also goes to Antarctica multiple times a year like some sort of lady James Bond.  I don’t know how she does it but if you’re a freelancer working from home and you need to get your shit together, she’s a damn good person to help you do it.