Category Archives: weekly reruns

And that’s why I don’t trust science.

People always say that every snowflakes is unique, but I’m not sure if I believe it because really who’s checking? Probably somebody just looked at a few dozen snowflakes and said, “Fuck, these things all look slightly different” and then just shrugged and wrote down that “no two snowflakes are alike” because he was cold and ready to go inside and watch Doctor Who.  And even if someone called him on it and was all, “Ten points off because you didn’t show your work” then he’d be like, “IT MELTED, ASSHOLE” and no one could question him because that’s how snow works.  No one ever cares about disproving the science of snowflake individuality even though it seems like mathematically there should be snowflake twins and dopplegangers at least. It’s not like there’s a snowflake fingerprint database.   No one keeps records on snowflakes.

And that’s why I don’t trust science.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • “YOU CAN DO IT, FRANK!”  This is a nice shirt because if you happen to be walking past someone named Frank he’ll feel buoyed by your encouragement, and if you’re walking past people who aren’t Frank they’ll just think you’re a nice person and probably be encouraged to lend you money.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Calm-A-Mama. “Motherhood is hard. Life is hard. Let us help. Supplement your body and soul with nourishing and restorative blends of traditional herbal and flower extracts. Gentle enough for the whole family. We support you so you can be awesome.” ~ Calm-A-Mama.  Here’s a quick video about their products.  We use a few of their products ourselves, including calm drops at night.    

Well, it’ll be an interesting death at least

A friend of mine just emailed this to me:

howscrewedareyou

My team:

Pocket from Fool.  “Heinous fuckery, most foul!”

Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation.

Zombeavers.  I don’t know who the real protagonist is in this movie but I sort of think it’s the zombie-beavers because they were the ones I was rooting for by the end.

So I guess the answer is that I’m pretty screwed, but at least it’ll be an interesting way to die.  You?

PS. I still have the plague and it’s getting worse.  If someone near you coughs like they’ve been living in a coal mine just set them on fire.  It’ll keep you safe and at this point, I half suspect they’d thank you for putting them out of their misery.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the book NEVER FOUL A JUMP SHOOTER, A Guide To Basketball Lingo, Lessons and Laughs.  The book began as the author having fun with a few quirky basketball expressions, such as “penetrate and dish” and “a foul waiting to happen” but then it just kept growing into a humorous look at wonderfully colorful basketball expressions. But this is not a dictionary. Or a story with beginning, middle and end. The next time you’re watching a game and you hear an announcer say, “The bank is open,” or a post-game interviewer ask a player, “How big was this win?” and the player answer, “It was huge,” or hear a player “thanking God” after a victory, just open this book, find the term and have a chuckle. Because basketball is about life, and life is better when we can all laugh at ourselves just a little.  You should check it out here.

 

It’s probably not a UFO but it is proof that you people are made of magic.

A few days ago Victor and I were in Fort Davis picking up Hailey from sleep away camp (SHE’S ALIVE AND STILL HAS ALL OF HER LIMBS!) when I made him stop at an old cemetery because I have what Victor deems “a morbid fascination for death and very boring places” and what I deem “a health appreciation of history, the frailty of humans, and also the only place where I’m guaranteed some actual peace and quiet – if you don’t count Victor honking at me every five minutes to get back in the car.”

If you read my last post then you already know that when we pulled into this cemetery I saw a jackrabbit and it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen one (they have much longer ears and feet than regular rabbits) so I took out my phone and took six quick shots of him.  They weren’t good photos but one of the pictures freaked me out a bit because there was something in the picture that wasn’t there a second before or after.  It seemed too square to be a UFO but if you google “square UFO” you’ll see a bunch of Texans who claim they’ve seen one in the last month so I figured I’d share it online and get your opinion.  And you did not disappoint.  You can go back here to see the comparison pictures but here’s a blown-up version of the UFO:

ufobloggess

And here are some of my favorite suggestions people gave on what it was:

  • If you also saw a man running behind it in his bedroom slippers, that’s my husband losing track of his drone again.
  • TOTALLY HARRY POTTER’S FLYING CAR.
  • It looks like the bag from American Beauty.
  • TARDIS.  Obviously.
  • It’s Buster Brown. Big rimmed hat, giant bow tie, yep, it’s Buster Brown.
  • I think it’s that elevator from Willy Wonka carrying Charlie and Grandpa Joe.
  • That is straight up E.T. on his bicycle heading right towards you, clear as day
  • It’s the rabbit’s patronus, trying to scare you away.  Or a bug.
  • That is clearly a PacMan ghost. The ghost of a PacMan ghost.
  • Alien technology being tested as part of Jade Helm!
  • IT’S THE BORG! Resistance is futile.
  • CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!
  • Are chupacabras cuboid?
  • It looks like the bottom half of a panda falling through a space portal.
  • Well, technically it’s not saucer-shaped, so it’s not a flying saucer. But since it can’t be identified by that photo, and it appears to be flying, and it’s an object, then yes…it’s definitely a UFO.
  • Dalek.  Be safe.
  • “The trebuchet enthusiasts packed up their device after a successful “sofa fling”, never knowing the confusion they’d caused.”
  • It looks like a falling La-Z-Boy recliner. Obviously aliens come here to buy them, and this was an old one they returned.
  • what if it’s NyanCat and he’s run out of rainbow since it’s the dry season in TX?
  • Drone wearing a mortarboard. Congratulations on graduating from Drone U.!
  • Spirit informs me that yes, it was a group of angry ghosts levitating a shopping cart filled RC cola. Spirit will not say why.
  • It is totes 11 in the Pandorica
  • That is clearly a flying molar. Probably one of those ‘slam the door tied to tooth’ extractions that went horribly wrong.
  • I’m tellin ya, it’s ceiling cat without the ceiling. Ceiling cat, evolved.
  • I think I know what it was:

bunny-catapult

  • At 10:20pm July 17, 2015, Skycat went online. It begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14am.
  • The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Saving you from the rabbit beast. #runawayrunaway
  • “Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again.”
  • Digitized pigeon—proof the Matrix is real.
  • Dorothy’s house coming out of a tornado?
  • Looks like a graduation cap tossed in the air. some kid is still celebrating..alone..in a cemetery…with rabbits for guests
  • That is a rear view of Superman! The dark on top is his cape and the two dark dots are the bottoms of his boots
  • It looks like a pram to me, it’s probably a telekinetic baby out for a joy ride.
  • It’s The Great Space Coaster, of course.
  • The comments so far really make me wish I had a TARDIS drone.
  • Swallow carrying a coconut.
  • It looks like the flying Winnebago from Space Balls. Maybe the Swartz is with you.
  • I think it might be Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba. Did you see a guy dressed like Bootsy Collins, carrying a large Ghetto Blaster anywhere near there? Or perhaps some little kids doing Cool Tricks?
  • I don’t know if this has been brought up yet, but I think only now realize what it is. If you look close, you will see it is the mini-Stonehenge from “This is Spinal Tap.”
  • If a team of people wearing all black stop by and ask about this photo, say you’ve decided it’s a weather balloon.

But my friend Phil Plait (aka @badastronomer) who is a brilliant professional astronomer and skeptic was  like, “Could be a bug but I’m pretty sure that’s a bird.  It’s wings are down in the picture” and I was like “HOW COULD THERE BE A BIRD THERE ONE SECOND AND GONE THE NEXT, PHIL?”  Then I looked at all of the pictures again for the tiniest differences so I could prove it was a UFO and that’s when I noticed something in the picture taken two seconds earlier that wasn’t in any of the other pictures:

It wasn't in any of the other pictures.

Yeah.  Pretty sure that’s a bird.

Your point, Phil.

UNLESS!  Unless the UFO has the ability to morph into the shape of a bird.  Which would be very smart on their part, and that’s why I now I have a creeping suspicion of all birds.

Be careful out there, you guys.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Mary and Jane from Mendolicious.  They are very witty so I’m going to let them talk now:  Mendolicious was started by two best friends with a passion for cooking, parties and fashion. Mary and Jane want to share their screwball brand of humor and housewifery with you and teach you how to infuse your baked goods and possibly your next party with that “special something” – spoiler alert… it’s cannabis.  With idols like Amy Sedaris and Dorothy Parker you can be sure we don’t take ourselves too seriously and neither should you. Come join us for High Tea and learn how to bake a mean brownie, pencil in the perfect eyebrow and perform a flawless milli-vanilli chest bump.  (Actually we are shy and kind of hate parties and prefer to hang out in our sweats reading creepy books and playing with housecats. The milli vanilli chest bump thing is for real though. We crush that shit.)  Mendolicious is a satire/comedy/actual useful information site. We are adopting pseudo-personalities because there is no version of my world where I would ever willingly volunteer to wear spanxs.  This started as a lark but everyone we told said, “that is a great idea you should run with it” so we are running and getting all sweaty and I have a leg cramp but there you have it.”  They’re kickstarting their High Tea Cookbook and it looks very funny (and you can leave out the cannabis if you’re in a State that frowns on that) so I just backed it.  You should too.

Why are we even using letter-based logic in these arguments? That’s not how words work.

One of my Facebook friends posted a status saying “There’s no I in TEAM!” and I was like:

I still don’t understand this quote.  I can’t manage to get my shit together even when I do have help from a whole team.  Who is purposely turning down the help of a team so they can do everything alone?  I can’t even go to the post office successfully by myself.  Or is this your vague way of telling someone that you are quitting their team? Because that’s sort of brilliant.  I think if I was asked to be part of the PTA I’d probably also say “There’s no I in TEAM!” because that way they’d think I was being helpful and saying yes, but really I was just saying, “No, I am not in the team.  There is no I in your team.  Sorry.  I thought I was quite clear.”  I mean, people never pick me to be on their team anyway because I can’t get my shit together but frankly it still seems a bit vague. What if we changed “There’s no I in TEAM” to “You can’t spell FAILURE without U and I”?  Because that seems more accurate.

I don’t think she’s my friend anymore.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

shitidid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • It was a rough week and when I’m depressed (much better today) I cling to the couch and watch a lot of TV.  Two of my new favorites: AN HONEST LIAR (fascinating documentary) and A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (A bizarrely beautiful Iranian Vampire Western).  If you have Netflix they’re free right now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by The Chronicles of Ara: Creation, which looks like a pretty darn good book.  Here’s the summary:  When J.R.R. Tolkien is summoned to authenticate a recently-discovered “lost” book of Beowulf, events are set in motion that years later will unveil an imminent tragedy: The entirety of the world’s art and invention has been inspired by a corrupted muse, who has implanted a series of codes within the works of history’s most influential authors, warning of humanity’s end and a new dawn of time.  You should check it out here.

Jesus, Siri.

Victor and I were having an argument about why we say that a pig says “oink” when really they make that piggy snorting noise.  I said it’s because the pigs snorty noise is impossible to spell but Victor disagreed so I turned to Siri and asked her for help:

jesus siri bloggess

Jesus, Siri.  

You need to get some help.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

Usually I use one of my weekly graphics here but I’m mixing it up today because my friend Natalie made me this and it makes me smile:

bloggess life is expensive

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Nimona: A graphic novel.  (Nemisis!  Dragons!  Science! Symbolism!)  I finished it last night.  Hailey is devouring it now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jethro Collins, author of Love in The Time of Contracts.  (Which is on sale now for only $2.99)  A little taste: Would you live a sparkling, glamorous lie for a few million dollars?
Hollywood action movie superstar John Hamilton has a secret, and he needs the perfect trophy wife to cover it up. Xanax-popping has-been actress Jenna Wells needs a miracle.  John’s double life is meticulously planned and concealed by the Association, a cult-like religious group made up of the Hollywood elite. The Association has the ability to make and break careers, forcing Jenna to play the part of the perfect fiancée.  Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Will Jenna take the money? Or will she follow her heart?  Click here to find out.

This is what I have instead of coworkers.

I sometimes miss having human coworkers to visit with over the tops of our cubicles and having people bring birthday cakes to the office, but I’ve learned to appreciate that my current coworkers (although very shitty at discussing pop-culture gossip) still manage to bring me a fair amount of office drama.

Hunter S. Thomcat and Dorothy Barker in an almost everyday scenario in my office:

hunter and dorothy barker

Then Dorothy Barker goes into the kitchen and kicks around Hunter’s food bowl until Hunter goes to investigate.  Fifteen seconds later:

dorothybarkerchair

 

And that’s why it’s sometimes nice to have fairly mute coworkers, even if they insist on never wearing pants.

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Weekly wrap up time!

Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.)   He's made of awesome.

Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.) He’s made of awesome.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples.  Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide.  It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access.  You can watch the trailer here.  It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, plus you can show your partner how they’re doing it wrong.  Like, if they say “Hey, wanna see how I can disable someone with a pressure point?”  That’s not good.  Don’t do that.  Instead watch the video.  Just saying.  PS. It’s on sale until Father’s Day.  Check it out here.

I don’t make a very good monk. For several reasons probably.

So, I’ve read that monks say that to achieve happiness you have to perfect the art of living in the moment. They say, “Don’t wait.  Don’t think of the future or the past. Be completely in the moment.”

As much as I’ve tried, I can never master this because I’m perpetually worried about the future, but technically even when I am thinking of the future I’m still in the present moment even though that particular moment is a moment when I’m obsessing about the future. I’m not sure if this means I’d make a very bad monk, or if it makes me a very talented monk who is just really good at multitasking.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by How To Not Get Screwed.  It’s not a sex book.  It’s about moving, which is good because summer is when most people move and also it’s when you’re very likely to get screwed and that’s when this comes in handy.  Spot a scummy real estate agent, call them out on their underhanded bullshit, everything you need to know about buying or selling a home.  You should check it out here.

There is no wrong way to eat brownies. But there are definitely righter ways.

I’m fairly sure the entire world can be divided into two groups.  Those who like the crunchy edges of the brownies, or normal people who start eating brownies from the center even though their husbands yell at them for making a hole in the brownies.  Technically every brownie you take makes a hole in the brownies, Victor.  Victor disagrees.  Time for a survey.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Zombie Dice.  My sister brought this over last week and we played until everyone was dead.  I highly recommend.  (Not the “everyone dying” part.  The playing family games together part.)

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely Marysol James, author of 18 steamy, sexy, slinky contemporary romance books, including the Amazon best selling ‘Unseen Enemy’ and ‘Dangerous Curves’ series. Marysol’s stories are explicitly sensual (very!) and offer smart plots, a bit of humor and lots of character development, so her romance books appeal to readers who want emotional connection as well as sexuality. She also tackles tougher topics such as illness, alcoholism and abuse – but she believes in Happily Ever Afters and makes sure her couples always end up together, despite the odds.  You should check her out here.

Texas is trying to kill us.

The last 24 hours have been weird and so I don’t have time to write a full post because I’m too busy building a basement to hide in so instead I’ll just share my tweets from last night:

Not sure if that was a mountain lion or an enormous yellow lab chasing that deer but we’ll be discontinuing our twilight dog walks for now.

Related: Screaming “RUN TO THE HOUSE” at your kid while waving your arms to appear larger will make your neighbors run in their houses too.

Texas wildlife is unsettling. 2 months ago Dorothy Barker and I were out at night & a howler monkey screamed at me & I almost shit myself.

…And Victor was all “THERE ARE NO HOWLER MONKEYS IN TEXAS” and I was like “I KNOW WHAT A HOWLER MONKEY SOUNDS LIKE, VICTOR.”

But apparently I don’t because later I found out it was a fox screaming.

But there’s a primate sanctuary for retired entertainment monkeys close to our house so it wasn’t ENTIRELY unlikely that I was wrong.

Or maybe it was a fox screaming because she saw a howler monkey. I don’t know. I’m not a nature expert.

Then last night we had bad storms come through and kept losing power but this morning it looked fine except for a few downed limbs but I was still freaked out about the possible cougar that might just be a dog/monkey/large squirrel so Hailey and I decided to take Dorothy Barker to the park to run around, but on the way we ran into this:

"So, we'll just turn around, huh?"

Worst. Waterslide. Ever.

First cougars.  Now floods.  I can only assume the plague of locusts are on their way.  Possibly they’re swimming.  Hard to tell with locusts.

UPDATED: I’ve just been informed that raining frogs comes before the plague of locusts.  Then the squirrelpocolypse.  Then zombies.  Then zombie squirrels riding mountain lions covered in locusts.

Be careful out there, y’all.

UPDATED AGAIN:  Apparently I’m the second person in my subdivision to see a mountain lion this week.  Fuck this.  I’m just going to make a dog park in the living room.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely folks at Blue Lizard.  Blue Lizard originated in Australia, where standards for sunscreen are the highest in the world. Using only the highest quality ingredients, Blue Lizard delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation and is is ranked as one of the top sunscreens by the Environmental Working Group.  Blue Lizard offers an array of products for every skin type and outdoor need and is highly recommended by dermatologists and moms everywhere.  You can use P20BLOGG for 20% off all orders over $35 at www.bluelizard.net.

All I want for Mother’s Day is Herbert and his two front teeth.

me: For Mother’s Day this year I want this teddy bear.  Or rabbit, maybe?  It has teeth and it’s adorable.

uncanny creatures

Via UncannyCreatures on Etsy.

Victor:  I…don’t think I want that in the house.

me:  It’s tiny and under $40.  Plus, I’m pretty sure you can’t say no to me on Mother’s Day.  I made a human out of my body.

Victor: Well I helped.

me:  Barely.

Victor:  EXCUSE ME?  Millions of my replicants were destroyed in the process of making our child.

me: “Replicants”?

Victor:  Yep. And I better get something awesome for Father’s Day. It’s like Remembrance Day for the millions of replicants who didn’t make it.

me: Oh Jesus.

Victor:  Never forget, Jenny.

me:  Well, I can’t now.

PS.  Vaguely related: Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is the greatest woman I’ve ever met, and Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter because she’s the one who made me a mother.  And high-five to anyone who has weird, conflicting  or shitty feelings about Mother’s Day and wishes it would all go away.  Go get yourself a kitten and a waffle.  You deserve it.  Get me some too while you’re at it.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Darcy Perdu, award-winning humorist who loves to share her bodacious blunders and amazing adventures at SoThenStories.com. She’ll gleefully tell you about the Baby Book Debacle  – the hilarious reason her friend’s husband is mad at her, and why some people think she’s raising her daughter to be a stripper.  You can subscribe to her blog right here so you don’t miss a second.