Category Archives: weekly reruns

What’s my name again?

I consider myself very lucky that my brand of crazy is recognized so universally that my books have been translated into lots of different languages, and that means I have a whole shelf full of books that I wrote but can’t read a single word of.  It’s a weird mix of feeling very accomplished and also completely stupid at the same time.

I just got this copy, which I think is Ukranian (or Bulgarian, maybe?) and the cover is awesome but which of those words is my name?  It’s a riddle I cannot solve.  If you speak Ukrania (or Bulgarian?) can you help me out?

Help?

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

 

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Myawesomebeauty.com. A little bit about them: My Awesome Beauty is a website run by beauty addicts that have real experience in the beauty business (formulator, esthetician, beauty advisor etc.) where you will learn how to choose the cosmetics or beauty devices worth your money following specific criteria. The guides and reviews really help because they explain what to look for and what to check, such as the guide about the facial steamers or the guide on microdermabrasion machines for home use.” You should check them out here.

 

I don’t even know if vaseline is edible.

Last week when we were driving I was singing along to Madonna’s Into the Groove and I was like, “You can dance, perspiration” and Victor was like, “Are you kidding me?  It’s ‘You can dance…for inspiration” but I was pretty sure mine was right because you’re way more likely to produce sweat than inspiration, but when I checked Victor had apparently already hacked into the internet and changed the lyrics. This happens almost once a day but the most recent account was when I saw singing along to Pour Some Sugar on Me on a bus and Victor just stared at me in awe, probably because he was so proud that I was blessing people on the bus with my lovely voice, but then he was like, “Are your ears just broken?  Are you fucking these songs up on purpose?”  (Answers: Yes, No.)

And a few of the lines I realized were suspect because “You got the peaches, I got a cream…sweet to taste. Vaseline” sounds not right but I was pretty sure I nailed the rest of it but turns out I had almost every line wrong.

Also, I’ve seen Def Leppard in concert and loudly sang this song with a crowd.  Awesome.

PS. In case you’re wondering, below are the real words to the song as far as I’m concerned because I’ve been singing them wrong for too long and now have no way to unlearn them:

Yellow’s like a bomb!

Loving tiger balm, baby come and get it on,
Living like a lover in a red eye phone.
Lookin’ like a champ, like bitty old vamp,
Demo-licious woman, can I be a man?

Razzle in your dazzle and a dance in daily life,
Television lover baby, go all night.
Sun time, anytime, sugar be sweet.
Little Mrs. innocent, sugar me.

So come on. Take your body, and shake it off.
Break the Bible. Break it up.

Pour some sugar on me, in the name of love.
Pour some sugar on me. Come on, fight me up.
Pour your sugar on me. I can’t get enough.
I’m a hot, sticky Swede. From my hand to my feets, yeah.

Listen! Red light, yellow light, green light, gold,
Crazy leather woman in a one man show.
Marrow queen, many keen, rhythm of  her love.
Sweet dreams, sangarine, listen up. Yeah. Listen up.

You gotta squeeze a little, please a little, tease a little love,
Easy operator, never knocking on my door.
Sun time, andy time, sugar be sweet,
Little Mrs. Innocent, sugar me. Yeah oh. Give a little love.

CHORUS

You got the peaches,
I got a cream.
Sweet to taste. Vaseline!
Cause I’m hot, hot, so hot, sticky sweet, from my hand, hand, hand, to my feet.

Do lips take sugar?
One look, one towel!

PPS. In my defense, this is what happens when you learn a song in junior high by listening to it a million times on a worn-out cassette you recorded from a staticky radio station.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Myawesomebeauty.com. It’s a website run by beauty addicts and professionals (formulator, esthetician, beauty advisor, etc.) who can teach you how to choose cosmetics or beauty devices worth your money following specific criteria, rather than just what brand is popular at the moment. The guides and reviews explain you what to look and what to check, from vitamin C serums to microdermabrasion machines for home use. You should check them out here.

 

MAGIC!

So yesterday Victor was like, “Hey, take some xanax because we’re going out tonight.  And by ‘tonight’ I mean ‘5pm’,” and I was like, “That seems very late for me and also ‘no,'” but he was like, “You’ll like it.  It’s a magic show in a hotdog castle that used to be a church,” and I was like, “Those words don’t go together.  Have you had a stroke?” and he sighed, “And it’s haunted,” and so I took my xanax but I didn’t know what to wear and Victor was like, “It’s a magic show.  Wear a sequined cravat obviously.  Don’t embarrass me.”  But I didn’t have one so I wore a red dress with a plastic belt that looks almost like diamonds if you have never seen diamonds.  And I would probably be perfectly dressed for a magic show but I forgot to compensate for “hotdog castle” so basically I was totally overdressed and glaring at Victor.

I don’t know why people call it a “hotdog castle” though. Maybe it’s heresy to call it a hotdog church?

And then we went up to the middle floor where the magic show was and it was GORGEOUS and covered with stained glass and I was in love for five seconds until I saw that it was communal bench seating so I had to eat my fancy hotdog with strangers which is my idea of hell.  Making smalltalk with strangers, I mean.  Not eating hotdogs.  I like hotdogs.  And when the strangers were like, “Where are you from?” and I was like, “I’m from Stop-Asking-Me-Questions” Victor coughed to cover it up and Hailey joyfully took over all of the conversations because she loves strangers and might be adopted.

The magic show was quite good but people didn’t seem to understand that when a magic trick is done you need to clap.  Or whoop.  Something.  Personally when a trick is done I often shout “WHAT.”  Or if it’s really good I point and yell “WITCHCRAFT“, but in a somewhat complimentary way rather than a “J’ACCUSE” sort of thing.  This seems a bit over the top but Victor is a magic geek and I’ve been to a shit ton of magic shows so I think I know what I’m doing.  Also, I’m usually very drunk, which makes me a great audience because I’m easily impressed. Plus I have ADD so I can never remember what the card was I was supposed to remember so no matter what happens I assume it’s magic.  Like, if a magician puts a rabbit in a hat and then pulled out the same rabbit a minute later I’m like, “YOU’VE SIGNED A PACT WITH THE DEVIL” and Victor has to remind me that that’s not the trick at all.

Scott Pepper doing magic. Not a good picture. Sorry.

I had an end to this but I forgot what it was.  I blame the ADD.

MAGIC!

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a big fan of.  From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You can check it out here.

 

FOUND: One tombstone. (Part 2)

So a week ago I found a used tombstone in a resale shop and started searching to see who it belonged to and after a lot of research I’ve solved nothing.  Well, not nothing because I now know that this is her and she looks like she’s judging me:

“My *what* is at a thrift shop?”

No response from all the people I’ve contacted through find-a-grave or ancestry or genealogy places or anything else, but I did have a break in the case when I found a funeral home that recently buried someone in the same cemetery a few years ago and so I contacted them (because there isn’t a way to contact the cemetery) and they put me in touch with the caretaker of the cemetery.  But the caretaker didn’t have email so I had to actually call him on the phone but my anxiety disorder makes it incredibly difficult to call people, to the point where if Victor tells me to call and order a pizza I’m like, “No thanks.  I’ll just starved to death instead”.  But now I had to call and ask a stranger about a different dead stranger whose gravestone I found. But I needed an answer so I took a xanax and called and the caretaker was very confused at first and there were a lot of awkward pauses  but then he was very sweet when I explained it properly.  He’s been the caretaker for over 30 years and he wasn’t aware of her tombstone being vandalized or stolen but he said he’d look into the records and see what he could find.  So, closer.  Although now I’m worried that someone will buy the tombstone while we’re waiting to hear back so I’m thinking I should buy it but Victor is glaring at me as I’m typing this because he already thinks I’m a hoarder of weird stuff even before I start bringing home used tombstones.

To be continued…

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which is a pretty awesome Father’s Day gift that you get to enjoy too.  From them: “Give Dad a StoryWorth Book to preserve his stories. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You can check it out here.

 

Things I wrote while high. (Not much different than what I wrote while sober if I’m being honest.)

This week when I was still high from the anesthesia I apparently wrote myself a series of notes on my phone.  A lot of them were literally gibberish but there were a few that made me go: “WTF?” and also, “I mean, yeah, maybe” at the same time.

This was one of them:

I think God must be an animal hoarder because he keeps making dogs that he knows he’s just gonna get back when they die and he only lets them live for like 10 years, which is not nearly long enough.  Like, how many dogs do you need, God?  Can we keep some?  And God’s like, “NO.  THESE DOGS ARE MINE.  YOU CAN BORROW THEM FOR LIKE…SEVEN TO TEN YEARS.”  And then I’d be like, “I don’t understand your end game, sir.  We need dogs to last longer” and then God would be like, “NOOOPE.  DON’T GET ATTACHED.  MY DOGS, YO.”  And this is why people become atheists.

Also, when I wrote this originally I was still high and it had even more typos than normal and the note had God yelling “THESE DONGS ARE MINE” and I was like, “Huh?” but then I figured it all out.  Probably going to hell for posting this on Sunday but in my defense, I’m not the one murdering dogs.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Terrifyingly Beautiful, a witty podcast about living with anxiety. Join Kevin O’Connell and David Robert, self-proclaimed anxiety experts, as they pop open a bottle of cheap wine and share hilarious stories about the stuff that keeps them up at night. (Spoiler alert: It’s everything.) Topics thus far include salad bars, creepy dolls, germy gas pumps and dead nuns under the bed. The podcast definitely falls under the wonderful categories of “freak me out” and “make me laugh.” Check it out here.

 

Mother’s Day is complicated.

Mother’s Day is filled with conflicting emotions for a lot of us.  I’m incredibly lucky that I have a mother who I adore.  I’m enormously thankful that after lots of miscarriages and hundreds of injections I ended up with a small miracle in my daughter.  I’m one of the lucky ones.  But here’s the thing…Mother’s Day isn’t just about being mom or having a mom.  It’s also about celebrating the mother figures that come into your life.  And they do come in strange and wonderful ways that we don’t always recognize.

Like my little sister who helps me with work and always has my back because she’s naturally nurturing.  Or my friend Maile who literally carried me to the hospital last month and stayed with me the entire time, watching over me even when I was passing out and ridiculous.  Or my friends who check in with me, and who don’t get mad when I don’t always answer back because they love me enough to forgive me before even getting upset.  Or my daughter when she reminds me to take my medicine or my husband when he tells me to go to sleep and that everything will be okay, or the neighbor who yells at you for not wearing a coat outside because “are you trying to get a cold?” or the stranger at the store who quietly tells you that your skirt is tucked in to your underwear.  Or you guys…who support me when I’m up or down and who celebrate my successes with the pride of a mom, and worry about me and send me articles about eating right and who sometimes even hang up my drawings on your refrigerator.  Being a great mother isn’t necessarily about having a child or being older or even gender…it’s about caring for others beyond expectation…and today I celebrate every one of you who have gone beyond the necessary to so show kindness, love, gentle education, and even criticism when needed.  It makes the world a better place.

So Happy Mother’s Day to you…no matter who you are.

PS. If you want, feel free to share a comment about anyone in you life who has been there for you in a way that made you remember that in a way we are all each other’s mothers sometimes.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Basic Invite, a stationery design company that puts design variety and personal style first. If you are planning a wedding, celebrating a graduation, or getting ready for a baby Basic Invite has a card for you. With tons of designs and customization options, there is something to suit every style! For example, if your baby shower is coming up… check out Basic Invite and customize your modern baby shower invitation. They have baby shower invites for girls or for boys or you can make your cards gender neutral, tailor them toward a coed shower or couples theme, or make it about you!  Basic Invite also has dreamy business cards and customizable personal stationery that are to die for! Click here to check them out.

Creepy doll challenge…phase 1. (UPDATED WITH PHASE 3)

A couple of weeks ago I challenged my friend (and fellow collector of creepy dolls) Bonnie to see who could rework this doll into the creepiest thing possible and now I’m ready to share my first variation.

In fairness, with the right lighting and filter it was already a little creepy:

But I thought I could go further.  So I added a few things.  Like a claw made of old erasers, a hand made of bark, another doll I repainted for her to hold, and a cat skeleton.  And some ruffles.

Work in progress…

Not a real cat skeleton. Thought I should clarify since I’m me.

Antiqued it a bit.  The end.

Then Victor and Hailey were like, “Not really creepy enough.  You didn’t do anything to her face” but I think that’s the creepy part.  They disagreed so I decided to make a stop-motion video to convince them.

Victor and Hailey think I should go creepier. #creepydollchallenge Details on my blog.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

They still don’t think it’s creepy enough because I think maybe I’ve immunized them with repeated exposure to weirdness so I’ll keep working on it and keep you posted.

PS.  I’ve seen other people talking about doing their own so if you decide to make a creepy doll post it in the comments because I totally want to see it.

UPDATE:  Consensus is that the face isn’t creepy enough so I’ve tried again:

#creepydollchallenge Details on the blog.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Concensus on #creepydollchallenge is that she needed a face makeover. So here we go.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

What do you think?  Better?

UPDATED AGAIN:

Several of you noted that her hair was too “perky” to be scary so now one of my other dolls is bald so this could happen:

DONE.

Also, several of you have pointed out that she might always look a little too lovable to some of us because (as a misfit toy) she fits in our community very well and the more broken I make her, the more relatable she becomes, turning her into more of a mascot than a massacre.  Others would like me to stop posting creepy doll pictures so that they can start sleeping again.  Fair enough on both counts.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Story Worth, which is a pretty awesome idea  I’m going to try myself.  From them:”This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, or whether she’s ever pulled any great pranks. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  Check it out here.

I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway.

So yesterday I thought it would be fun to leave free books around town and then post pictures of them so people could find them, and I finished one drop…

…and then 40 minutes later I was here:

My God, I’m photogenic. So corpselike.

Long story short, an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started fainting and I couldn’t feel my hands or legs, and then I died.  Except not the last part.  But it felt like it.  Plus the pain lead to a major panic attack so basically it was a great day.  Victor was out of the State (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WAS) but luckily, my friend Maile was there to drive me to the hospital and hold me against my wheelchair when I passed out and she stayed with me during many tests and morphine shots and she wrote down all the weird stuff I said while I was high and messaged it to me in real time because she’s awesome like that.  Also, she took that picture of me at my request so I could prove to Victor that I was in the hospital because the morphine made me worried that I was dreaming this and apparently I thought Victor would be mad when all these bills came in from my dream.

Also, the nurse left this giant thing in my bed in case I needed to vomit and when I noticed it I was like, “This is the most unrealistic condom ever”…

…and then I started talking about cosmetic vagina surgery and about how I didn’t even know what it was supposed to look like best case scenario.  Like, am I supposed to want a giant labia, or no labia at all?  What are people asking these doctors for?  Butterfly vaginas?  Tiny moths?  Vagina dentata?  I asked the nurse and she was like, “Hell if I know.  That shit’s crazy.”  She was awesome.

Also, they said I had a very elevated level of lactate (?) and I was like, “That can’t be right.  I couldn’t even breast-feed and I’m lactose intolerant.”  But apparently this was something else related to infections or shock.  In the end they gave me a bunch of meds, including one for irritable bowel syndrome and that was the one that finally made my stomach stop trying to turn itself inside out so I guess I can add that to my list of “WHY MY BODY IS AN ASSHOLE”.

I’d explain this all better if I wasn’t still on drugs to keep the alien inside me quiet.  Sorry.

PS. My spellcheck tried to change “vagina dentata” to “vagina al dente”, which is taking weird to a whole new level.  Quit it, spellcheck.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Story Worth, which is a pretty cool idea I think I’m going to try myself.  From them:”This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, or whether she’s ever pulled any great pranks. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  Check it out here.

WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW?

Still recovering from pneumonia but I’m well enough to look back at the past week and realize how totally sick I was.  I get terrible fever dreams that seem so real they bleed into real life and it’s hard to separate them from reality (is this normal?) and one of the strongest happened Wednesday when I fell asleep reading Ready Player One and Victor woke me up with a “medicine ball” from Starbucks and he tried to explain that it was some drink from their secret menu that he read helps when you’re sick (hot tea, steamed lemonade, honey, heroin probably) and I took it and honestly thought he’d slain some orcs and this potion had dropped when he killed them and I was super impressed for an hour until I fully woke up and realized that I was being crazier than normal.  But I do recommend the medicine ball if you’re sick even though Victor said that he felt like an idiot ordering something that wasn’t on the menu because the baristas always make him feel stupid and what if it was a trick, but then when the barista was like, “Totally.  I can make that” he thought it would be funny to start asking for made-up, nonexistent names of drinks at Starbucks.  Like if he said “Make me a Butthole Surfer” the barista would be confused and then he could say “WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW?” and then they’d be even.  But then the next day he decided to actually do it and he ordered an “Old Wizard’s Beard” in the drive-thru and he said “They asked if I wanted it iced and I just drove off, terrified of what they had back there.”  So, point Starbucks.

Does this make any sense?  Sorry.  I am on a LOT of meds.

In other news, I asked people to share pictures of their finished images from YOU ARE HERE on twitter and I was not disappointed so I put them in a storify right here and now even more are coming in so I’m going to have to do another.  Tag your images with #youarehere if you want to share and I’ll do another round up soon.

I did this one. I’m starting to see the allure of coloring.

Forgive the typos.  I’m still 45% dead.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Hippo Hug weighted blankets (I have one and it’s like being hugged by your bed).  From the maker: “Hippo Hug weighted blankets are different than any others that you will find on the market. We use a unique and proprietary weighting system that involves specially designed disks so that they blanket has a low profile and doesn’t look any different than a regular quilt.”  They’re pretty bad-ass.  You should check them out here.

I need podcasts

My book tour for YOU ARE HERE starts in a few days and I am utterly unprepared (I may end up dressed in hotel sheets at this point) but one thing I’ve learned is that listening to podcast when you’re traveling can be fantastic because it’s like you’re having a conversation with a friend and you don’t even have to answer them and also if you fell asleep while they’re talking they don’t care.  It’s awesome.  But I need some new podcasts because I’m going to be on the road for two weeks so please give me suggestions.

My personal favorites usually fall under the category of “tell me a story”, “freak me out” or “make me laugh”.  Here are a few of my personal favorites:

Invisibilia

This American Life

Welcome to Night Vale

Hidden Brain

Stuff You Missed in History Class

Missing Richard Simmons

Lore

Up and Vanished

Reply All

Limetown

Pop Culture Happy Hour

Within the Wires

Thrilling Adventure Hour

Serial

Your turn.  What should I be listening to?

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sasha O’Hara, author of a crapload of good, subversive coloring books.  From her: Grab your pens and pencils and pull up that damn couch, because it’s time to get your snark on! When the shit show of life is making you crazy and everyone has lost their minds, let Cheaper than Therapy ease your stress with its insanely out of line pages.  With over 30 shockingly subversive illustrations, plus plenty of colorable journaling pages, you’re sure to get your sanity back in no time! Pages include sayings like “Good morning, I see the assassins have failed”, “My happy place is your happy place burning to the ground”, and “Are you fucking kidding me?!”, “Ew. People” and more.” Check it out here.