From the category archives:

weekly reruns

Juanita in carbonite

February 19, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

Earlier this week I told you about a tiny, dead weasel I dressed, adopted and named Juanita.  Within a few days she had her very own meme and a line of products.  Kinda fucking impressive for a dead weasel, if you ask me.  And possibly a little cocky.  Regardless, she brought joy and laughter to many, and several of you will be getting emails about free Juanita junk because you entered something bad-ass into the meme contest, but the ultimate winner was a personal favorite of mine from Bart Smith:

Look closely. There are 15+ bloggess-isms here. (It's bigger on the inside.)

For being awesome and amazing at photoshop (seriously, click here for a giant version), Bart wins a tiny, resin Juanita statue, which looks as if Juanita was frozen in carbonate, but more colorful.

Juan-ita Solo

(Click here to pick up one for yourself.)

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Sylvia, who wrote a fabulous ebook that costs less than a coke.  It’s called Fear of Landing: You Fly Like a Woman and it’s her true story about learning to fly after being told by a man that she can’t.  The perfect inspirational gift for your daughter (or son).  Plus, it’s less than a dollar and only takes an hour or two to finish.  EVERYONE WINS.  I highly recommend.

{ 102 comments }

Advanced cooking lessons

January 28, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

Conversation I had after wandering into Victor’s office.

me:  Hey.  How do you make hot water?

Victor:  …Really?  “How do you make hot water?”  Are you fucking with me?  

me:  No.  I want to make a tea but I don’t know how.

Victor:  Go write this on your blog right now.  You just asked me how to heat up water.  You basically just confirmed everything I’ve ever said about your cooking skills in a single sentence.

me:  I know how to get hot water.  I know how the tap works.  I just don’t know how to use the coffee maker and I thought maybe it would be easier to use it than using the microwave.

Victor:  So you need a machine to make you hot water…because the microwave is too complicated?

me:  I’m trying to work smarter, not harder.  DON’T JUDGE ME.

Victor:  It’s moments like this I wish I was on twitter.  ”Overheard at our house: ‘How do you make hot water?‘”

me:  FINE.  How about this?  Can you show me how to make coffee without any coffee in it?

Victor:  See, that sounds more complicated.  Not normal or rational, but less ridiculous.  So, yes, I will show you how to make coffee with no coffee in it.

me:  So basically you’re only helping me now because of semantics.

Victor:  How else will you learn?

PS.  Victor says tomorrow he’s going to teach me how to make “hot dog water”.

Victor is a very helpful kind of asshole.

****************

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

  • This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Leonie who created The Goddess Guidebook to help you create your own Goddess Year in 2012 using art therapy  and the tools and techniques she’s providing.  She’s adorable and full of light and is a terrible driver.  Or possibly the person in the other seat is a terrible driver.  One of those.  You should check her out.

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I’m sort of freaking out right now.

January 14, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,no one thinks this is funny but me,Random crap,weekly reruns

You guys?  Guess what just arrived?

Holy crap, you guys. My name is on a book and I didn't even have to write it on with a sharpie.

These are the advanced, soft-cover, uncorrected, typo-riddled pre-copies but it doesn’t matter because they’re MY advanced, soft-cover,uncorrected, typo-riddled pre-copies.  And tonight I will curl up with my own book, complete with chapters entitled: “Jenkins, You Motherfucker,” “If You Need an Arm Condom It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices,” Draw Me A Fucking Dog,” “And That’s Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Serial Killer Ever” and “It Wasn’t Even My Crack.”   The real book comes out in a couple of months and I just wanted to say thank you, because I couldn’t have done it without you.  Those aren’t just empty words.  I’m too dangerous for advertisers so most of the ads on this blog are from other bloggers who supported my need to write full-time.  Whenever I felt like I’d never finish this 10+ year journey to write my life story your comments kept me believing in myself.  When I was desperate for just the right word you were there on twitter to say “gumption” and “borborygmus” and “sump-pump”.  Getting the book quotes, finding an agent…every single part of this has its origins in social media.  This book was a group effort of so many of you who helped me finish it.  Which means that if you ever left a kind comment, or replied on twitter, or offered to let me read a chapter to you at 3am because I felt like a giant panicky loser then you wrote this book too.  Congratulations.  We’re authors, y’all.

(If you want to pre-order the book that you just wrote with me you can do that here.  It seems weird to pay for your own book, but I can assure you that I’ve pre ordered 5 copies myself at full price.  Mostly because I don’t know how to negotiate with publishers and I’m a terrible shoplifter.)

Also, I’m working on doing a little something special for everyone who has helped in some way, but it’s a bit overwhelming.  I’m in New York next week recording my audio-book {for the love of God, at least one person buy it} so maybe I’ll come up with the perfect thing there.  Something to say thank you, like a kick-ass bookmark.  Or something I can afford, like a handful of dirt.

But for now…let’s move on to this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

  • This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Joey Z’sMeatballs, which is a restaurant that doesn’t exist yet. But it will, if you help open it. Donate on Kickstarter to see it come to fruition. By the way, if this does come into existence I’ve been assured that there will be a Bloggess pizza sandwich WITH EDIBLE GLITTER ON IT.  FOR REAL. This must happen, you guys.

{ 317 comments }

Paper dolls, red dresses and nipple concealers

January 9, 2012

in I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

Last night if you were on twitter you may have seen thousands of strangers offering ball-gowns and formal dresses and free photo shoots to other strangers all in the name of helping others to be furiously happy. I can’t entirely explain it myself so I won’t try to, but I will say that anyone who say that I’m continually amazed at the goodness of people and that anyone who says social media is pointless can go fuck themselves. In a nutshell, I got a magical, red dress years ago and then it began traveling across North America, stopping at houses of women who needed some magic in their lives.  You can read that story here.  The dress is still on the road with a long waiting list of people who need it, and has become tattered so I started saving for a new one.  I asked if there were any big businesses who had red ball gowns to donate and there weren’t, but there were hundreds of people who started offering their own ball gowns to total strangers to pass on the magic.  Twitter went crazy with the #travelingreddress hashtag and I couldn’t even keep up with all the people helping people, and photographers offering free red dress sessions, and strangers finding new friends to help and be helped.  There’s even a flickr pool where people can post pictures of ball-gowns they’re offering for free and the hashtag is still going fairly strong.  It was pretty bad-ass and I may have teared up.  While all of this was going on, one of my friends (from the ridiculously awesome and compellingly hasslehoffy Cheeseblarg) sent me paper dolls she’d made for me and for anyone else who wants them. Because she’s awesome. And here they are. You can click on the picture for a larger copy and then print it out and I can live on your desk and you can blame me for all the arson that happens in your office.  Everyone wins.

(If you’re new here you’ll have to look up “Beyonce-the-Giant-Metal-Chicken”, “Portlandia-Owns-ALL-the-Birds”, “Copernicus-the-Homicidal-Monkey”, “The Traveling red dress”, and “Wolf-Blitzer”. Or just skip this whole rainy-day arts-n-crafts non-sequiter.  Up to you really.)

Click to enlarge.

Technically this is my Sunday since I’ve been MIA in NY (more on that soon) so I should be doing the weekly-wrap-up except that I was out of town and so I accomplished almost nothing and have nothing to wrap-up. I do, however, still have a list of cool shit to share with you, so get ready…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by the awesome people at Go-Girl, specializing in essential fashion fixes.  Things like hem tape.  And disposable nipple concealers, which unintentionally double as elegant pasties for elegant women and shy conservative strippers.  You should check them out.  

{ 165 comments }

My cat ruined Christmas and this post.

December 11, 2011

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

AAARGH.

I just wrote a really long and vaguely funny post about why I would never teach my cat to smoke, while angrily screaming “YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF” to said cat as Victor locked himself if the office and vowed to not come out until I passed a drug test, but then the electricity went out before I could save it and now it’s lost forever.  I would try to re-write it but I’m too frustrated and now I want pie.  Please just pretend I wrote something really funny and profound here and let’s all go eat pie.  Strawberry pie.  Stuffed in a cake.  Made of tacos.

**********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on my sex column (which is vaguely safe for work unless your boss is a douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Cutest Paw, which will SUCK YOU IN WITH CUTENESS. Like, it’s so adorable it could kill you. But all things considered that’s not a bad way to go. Better than falling into a fiery volcano, at least. KITTENS!

{ 145 comments }

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