Category Archives: weekly reruns

Jesus, Siri.

Victor and I were having an argument about why we say that a pig says “oink” when really they make that piggy snorting noise.  I said it’s because the pigs snorty noise is impossible to spell but Victor disagreed so I turned to Siri and asked her for help:

jesus siri bloggess

Jesus, Siri.  

You need to get some help.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

Usually I use one of my weekly graphics here but I’m mixing it up today because my friend Natalie made me this and it makes me smile:

bloggess life is expensive

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Nimona: A graphic novel.  (Nemisis!  Dragons!  Science! Symbolism!)  I finished it last night.  Hailey is devouring it now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jethro Collins, author of Love in The Time of Contracts.  (Which is on sale now for only $2.99)  A little taste: Would you live a sparkling, glamorous lie for a few million dollars?
Hollywood action movie superstar John Hamilton has a secret, and he needs the perfect trophy wife to cover it up. Xanax-popping has-been actress Jenna Wells needs a miracle.  John’s double life is meticulously planned and concealed by the Association, a cult-like religious group made up of the Hollywood elite. The Association has the ability to make and break careers, forcing Jenna to play the part of the perfect fiancée.  Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Will Jenna take the money? Or will she follow her heart?  Click here to find out.

This is what I have instead of coworkers.

I sometimes miss having human coworkers to visit with over the tops of our cubicles and having people bring birthday cakes to the office, but I’ve learned to appreciate that my current coworkers (although very shitty at discussing pop-culture gossip) still manage to bring me a fair amount of office drama.

Hunter S. Thomcat and Dorothy Barker in an almost everyday scenario in my office:

hunter and dorothy barker

Then Dorothy Barker goes into the kitchen and kicks around Hunter’s food bowl until Hunter goes to investigate.  Fifteen seconds later:

dorothybarkerchair

 

And that’s why it’s sometimes nice to have fairly mute coworkers, even if they insist on never wearing pants.

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Weekly wrap up time!

Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.)   He's made of awesome.

Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.) He’s made of awesome.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples.  Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide.  It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access.  You can watch the trailer here.  It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, plus you can show your partner how they’re doing it wrong.  Like, if they say “Hey, wanna see how I can disable someone with a pressure point?”  That’s not good.  Don’t do that.  Instead watch the video.  Just saying.  PS. It’s on sale until Father’s Day.  Check it out here.

I don’t make a very good monk. For several reasons probably.

So, I’ve read that monks say that to achieve happiness you have to perfect the art of living in the moment. They say, “Don’t wait.  Don’t think of the future or the past. Be completely in the moment.”

As much as I’ve tried, I can never master this because I’m perpetually worried about the future, but technically even when I am thinking of the future I’m still in the present moment even though that particular moment is a moment when I’m obsessing about the future. I’m not sure if this means I’d make a very bad monk, or if it makes me a very talented monk who is just really good at multitasking.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by How To Not Get Screwed.  It’s not a sex book.  It’s about moving, which is good because summer is when most people move and also it’s when you’re very likely to get screwed and that’s when this comes in handy.  Spot a scummy real estate agent, call them out on their underhanded bullshit, everything you need to know about buying or selling a home.  You should check it out here.

There is no wrong way to eat brownies. But there are definitely righter ways.

I’m fairly sure the entire world can be divided into two groups.  Those who like the crunchy edges of the brownies, or normal people who start eating brownies from the center even though their husbands yell at them for making a hole in the brownies.  Technically every brownie you take makes a hole in the brownies, Victor.  Victor disagrees.  Time for a survey.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Zombie Dice.  My sister brought this over last week and we played until everyone was dead.  I highly recommend.  (Not the “everyone dying” part.  The playing family games together part.)

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely Marysol James, author of 18 steamy, sexy, slinky contemporary romance books, including the Amazon best selling ‘Unseen Enemy’ and ‘Dangerous Curves’ series. Marysol’s stories are explicitly sensual (very!) and offer smart plots, a bit of humor and lots of character development, so her romance books appeal to readers who want emotional connection as well as sexuality. She also tackles tougher topics such as illness, alcoholism and abuse – but she believes in Happily Ever Afters and makes sure her couples always end up together, despite the odds.  You should check her out here.

Texas is trying to kill us.

The last 24 hours have been weird and so I don’t have time to write a full post because I’m too busy building a basement to hide in so instead I’ll just share my tweets from last night:

Not sure if that was a mountain lion or an enormous yellow lab chasing that deer but we’ll be discontinuing our twilight dog walks for now.

Related: Screaming “RUN TO THE HOUSE” at your kid while waving your arms to appear larger will make your neighbors run in their houses too.

Texas wildlife is unsettling. 2 months ago Dorothy Barker and I were out at night & a howler monkey screamed at me & I almost shit myself.

…And Victor was all “THERE ARE NO HOWLER MONKEYS IN TEXAS” and I was like “I KNOW WHAT A HOWLER MONKEY SOUNDS LIKE, VICTOR.”

But apparently I don’t because later I found out it was a fox screaming.

But there’s a primate sanctuary for retired entertainment monkeys close to our house so it wasn’t ENTIRELY unlikely that I was wrong.

Or maybe it was a fox screaming because she saw a howler monkey. I don’t know. I’m not a nature expert.

Then last night we had bad storms come through and kept losing power but this morning it looked fine except for a few downed limbs but I was still freaked out about the possible cougar that might just be a dog/monkey/large squirrel so Hailey and I decided to take Dorothy Barker to the park to run around, but on the way we ran into this:

"So, we'll just turn around, huh?"

Worst. Waterslide. Ever.

First cougars.  Now floods.  I can only assume the plague of locusts are on their way.  Possibly they’re swimming.  Hard to tell with locusts.

UPDATED: I’ve just been informed that raining frogs comes before the plague of locusts.  Then the squirrelpocolypse.  Then zombies.  Then zombie squirrels riding mountain lions covered in locusts.

Be careful out there, y’all.

UPDATED AGAIN:  Apparently I’m the second person in my subdivision to see a mountain lion this week.  Fuck this.  I’m just going to make a dog park in the living room.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely folks at Blue Lizard.  Blue Lizard originated in Australia, where standards for sunscreen are the highest in the world. Using only the highest quality ingredients, Blue Lizard delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation and is is ranked as one of the top sunscreens by the Environmental Working Group.  Blue Lizard offers an array of products for every skin type and outdoor need and is highly recommended by dermatologists and moms everywhere.  You can use P20BLOGG for 20% off all orders over $35 at www.bluelizard.net.

All I want for Mother’s Day is Herbert and his two front teeth.

me: For Mother’s Day this year I want this teddy bear.  Or rabbit, maybe?  It has teeth and it’s adorable.

uncanny creatures

Via UncannyCreatures on Etsy.

Victor:  I…don’t think I want that in the house.

me:  It’s tiny and under $40.  Plus, I’m pretty sure you can’t say no to me on Mother’s Day.  I made a human out of my body.

Victor: Well I helped.

me:  Barely.

Victor:  EXCUSE ME?  Millions of my replicants were destroyed in the process of making our child.

me: “Replicants”?

Victor:  Yep. And I better get something awesome for Father’s Day. It’s like Remembrance Day for the millions of replicants who didn’t make it.

me: Oh Jesus.

Victor:  Never forget, Jenny.

me:  Well, I can’t now.

PS.  Vaguely related: Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is the greatest woman I’ve ever met, and Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter because she’s the one who made me a mother.  And high-five to anyone who has weird, conflicting  or shitty feelings about Mother’s Day and wishes it would all go away.  Go get yourself a kitten and a waffle.  You deserve it.  Get me some too while you’re at it.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Darcy Perdu, award-winning humorist who loves to share her bodacious blunders and amazing adventures at SoThenStories.com. She’ll gleefully tell you about the Baby Book Debacle  – the hilarious reason her friend’s husband is mad at her, and why some people think she’s raising her daughter to be a stripper.  You can subscribe to her blog right here so you don’t miss a second.

Yes, that was totally the rabbit I was thinking of.

I always feel sorry for magician doing tricks for people with ADD because whenever I’m off my meds and I’m watching magic I always get distracted and forget what’s going on halfway through, and then the magician reaches into his hat and there’s a rabbit in there and I think, “Wait.  Was there not a rabbit there before? Because I honestly don’t remember how this started.” So I just pretend to be impressed and hope that that was the trick.

Basically, I’m like those serial killers who don’t feel emotions so they just become really good actors so people won’t suspect they’re psychopaths. Except instead of plotting murders I’m just hoping that the magician doesn’t ask me to pick a card because there’s no way I’ll remember it and I’ll just say “Yes, that was totally my card” no matter what. Magicians are wasted on me.  We should probably set up really terrible magicians with very easily distracted people and then everyone will be happy.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my talented friends from UnPodcast: The Business Podcast for the Fed-Up.  It is awesome, entertaining and it is free.  The only way it could be better is if it also increased your metabolism and made you a mojito.  Which it might do.  Hard to tell.  Listen to it while you work.  I highly recommend. 

Don’t yell at me. I’m weak and fragile.

I’ve been sick as a dog for days and this post might not make sense because I’m still dehydrated and loopy.  If it makes you mad you should blame the bad chicken salad I ate.  I know I do.

The difference between men and women:

me: I feel almost human for the first time in 48 hours.

Victor:  Thank goodness.

Me:  And I literally lost two pounds...just by throwing up.

Victor: You sound unsettlingly excited about having had food poisoning.

me: Well, I think maybe that’s the difference between men and women.  Women are more optimistic.  About food poisoning.

Victor:  I think you have a problem.

me:  I did have a problem.  It was severe vomiting.  And it made me lose two pounds.  That’s optimism, Victor.

Victor:  That’s an eating disorder.

me:  It might be both.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Blue Lizard Australian® Sunscreen. They’re one of the top sunscreens and delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation. From them: “Our patented BPA-free Smart Bottle™ changes color in the presence of harmful UV rays, reminding you to apply sunscreen.  Baby & Sensitive are paraben-free, chemical-free and fragrance-free. Face is also oil-free and all formulations are mineral-based containing Zinc Oxide. Sport & Regular are extremely water resistant, staying on in 240 minutes of whirlpool water. Blue Lizard is the brand most recommended by pediatricians, dermatologists, pharmacists, and moms nationwide.”  You should buy some lotion and rub it on your skin. Not in a serial killer way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  (Use the code P20BLOGG for 20% off orders over $35.)

Ferris Mewler: “What in the shit are you people doing?”

med cleaning dorothy barker

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

shitidid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the bad-asses behind the Unpodcast – the business show for the fed-up.  I recommend starting with this one, about the importance of paying your creatives rather than ripping them off by asking them to work for free or this one about when it’s right to name and shame people. I recommend.  Go check it out right now.

Also, that fucker ate all the hot pockets.

An imagined open letter from the justifiably disgruntled wife of poet William Carlos Williams, the man who wrote this famed poem:

This is Just to Say 

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

 

Dear literary critics:

You guys are assholes.

Did you even read the poem you claim is so brilliant?  First off, my husband ate all my fruit, and then instead of apologizing in person he left a post-it note admitting that he did it, but that he had a good reason which was basically “I wanted to“.  And not only does he eat all my plums, also he ends the post-it telling me how goddam delicious they are.  I know how delicious plums are.  That’s why I was saving them for breakfast. 

You people read this poem and love it, but really it’s just a not-very-apologetic-apology from a man confessing to mild burglary.  And who do you think had to go out and buy more plums for breakfast because someone promised his parents I’d make plum pancakes for everyone?  Not Mr. I’m-far-too-poetic-to-go-to-Walmart, I’ll tell you that.  Frankly, I don’t even think plum pancakes are a real thing.  They tasted terrible and I’m guessing he just made them up because he’s “poetic and whimsical” and so I ended up having to apologize for the shitty pancakes that I didn’t even want to make.

And then the whole world is like, “DID YOU SEE THIS APOLOGY LETTER?  IT IS THE GREATEST MODERN POEM EVER!”  Just – what?  No.  IT DOESN’T EVEN RHYME.

Frankly, I expected that people reading the apology would be more sympathetic, like, “That guy stole your fruit and then told you how awesome it was?  What a dick“.  But instead everyone is all “GENIUS!  ENCORE!” and now my husband is utterly out of control.  This morning he climbed up into the tree in the front yard wearing only a bathrobe (my bathrobe – because he’s not content to just steal my breakfast, apparently) and he refused to come down because he claims I “purposely” destroyed his latest poem.  It was not a poem.  It was our grocery list.

I told him that no one wants a poem about kitty litter and two-ply toilet paper but he said I don’t understand poetry and that he couldn’t hear me anyway because he was too busy writing a poem about how “trees are very scratchy” and at this point I don’t even know anymore.  Apparently everything is a poem now.

Here’s a poem I just made for you :  There once was a girl from Nantucket.  I wonder if she has some plums I can borrow.  The end.

Oh, Christ.  I just found a leaf on the table with a note scrawled on it reading: “This is just to say that I broke the cat when I fell out of the tree.  Forgive me.  I fell so fast and Mittens was so old.”  

Jesus, people.  Just stop encouraging him.  

Hugs, Mrs. William Carlos Willams

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Mugs are 40% off if you enter SAVING4TAXES code at check-out.  I recommend this mug or this one.
  • People always ask how to see the newest stuff.   Click here.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely and funny Dave Tank, whose new memoir The Year of the Roses is available right now.  I just bought a copy myself. It’s the true story of Dave spending his thirties traveling the world, always one step away from grasping success and happiness. When his mother dies unexpectedly, he has to leave his life in Paris to return home to face an unsure reality without his best friend.  Dave walks away from his career to take a year to put his life back in order. In that year, he finds the most unlikely of teachers – his mother. Through the journals of her life she had left behind, Dave learns how to see life through her eyes and find true happiness. This was the year two lives became one. The Year of the Roses. Go buy it – one for you, and one for your Mom for Mother’s Day. Details here.