Category Archives: weekly reruns

Fun with closed captioning

I watch shows on my phone but I have a hearing problem so I always watch with closed captioning so I can understand it.  These are the most baffling screenshots I got from watching Orphan Black last month:

orphan black cc thebloggess

I’m sensing a theme.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Wende Mitchell’s new book, Flowers in Winter.  Summary:  Elly MacCalloum isn’t special. And she’s okay with that.  No owls are ever going to bring letters inviting her to attend a magical school. Her wardrobe only has clothes in it. She will never rescue a damsel in distress, lead valiant men into battle, or meet her husband through her inability to keep her shoes on. She has occasionally lost her shoes, though.  Elly is trying to create a normal, happy life for herself. She just isn’t sure what that looks like. While trying to balance her job and her relationship, Elly is also trying to help her friends — brash, opinionated Abby, and sweet, quiet Ryan, whose family refuses to accept him for who he is. As the three of them struggle to define themselves, they must decide what is worth fighting for, and what they should let go.  How do you find your way back to balance?  You should check it out right here.

You really are, you know.

I have a picture on my phone from four years ago.  I took it in the back offices of a bookstore when I was panicking and pacing and trying to calm down so I could go out and do a reading.  And in the middle of my panic I looked up and saw a cardboard sign above the door, and it was exactly what I needed to see at exactly the right time.

you

Whenever I start to fall apart, or doubt that I’ll ever fully get my shit together I pull up that picture.  I don’t know who wrote it or how it came to be but it helps me.  Maybe it’ll help you.  Because even if you’re fucking up in one part of your life, know that you are doing an excellent job in other parts.  It’s just hard to see it because the negative stuff feels so big that it keeps you from seeing all the things you’re nailing.  Like breathing.  You’ve been breathing all day, y’all.  Probably all your life.  EVEN IN YOUR SLEEP.  That’s dedication, motherfucker.

So just a reminder…

You’re doing an excellent job.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you TranscribeMe, a highly acclaimed, top rated work-from-home site where you can make money by transcribing audio and video files. From them: “With a user-friendly platform, convenient and regular payouts, and a steady work stream year round, it’s an amazing opportunity for moms to earn extra money, take charge of their own work schedule, and spend more essential time with family.”   Click here to register and find out more.

 

Endings and beginnings

Are you a fan of Sandman? Because you should be. But if you’re like me you were afraid that the recent(ish) The Sandman: Overture couldn’t possibly be as good as the old books that rearranged your mind, and so you put off reading it because of that fear. I finally read it this week and GET THEE TO A BOOKSTORE BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING. After the last few weeks which seemed too full of endings I really needed this… a brilliant ending that became a beginning.

sandman

It reminded me of the first time I discovered those few important books that made me realize I wasn’t alone.  Hailey’s asked to read Sandman before because she knows I love them but I haven’t let her yet.  Partly because I think eleven is a bit young for some of the subjects, but more importantly because if I’d read Sandman at 11 it wouldn’t have become the lifesaver I needed because I wasn’t quite yet the confused, lonely and angsty person I’d become.  The books were a balm for me during rough waters and they still are today.  They are also to me what the Harry Potter series are to her…a benchmark and a milestone and a moment when characters become real and stay with you forever.

It’s strange that the books that really spoke to me at her age (A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass) don’t appeal so much to her.  She still devours my Ray Bradbury books when she thinks I’m not looking (I suspect the thrill of sneaking them from me adds to the appeal, like it did for me when I borrowed my grandmother’s Stephen Kings) and this week I’m letting her read The Graveyard Book, which she’s enjoying.  When I ask her what books have meant the most to her she names A Wrinkle in Time and the Divergent series.  She asks if Princeless counts since it’s just a graphic novel and I clear my throat.  It counts.

I don’t know if Sandman will save her like it did me, or if it will be Catcher in the Rye, or something that hasn’t even been set to paper yet, but it’s so nice to know that those books are out there and that they’re still saving lives and making lives. I can’t wait to read the next one that will change the way I think and change me in the process.

And how about you? What books touched you at certain ages?  What books affect your children now?  What books should we all read?  What books have you found recently that made a difference in your life?  What books are lost to the out-of-print rare bookstores that you search for each time you scan the shelves?

I need something to read.  Go.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Scarology.com“Scarology is an affordable, simple and effective scar treatment system designed to dramatically improve the appearance of scars. Our unique 3-step process is clinically proven to improve the appearance of new and old scars resulting from surgery, pregnancy, acne, injury and burns.”  You can check it out here.  They’re offering 25% off using the code “BLOGGESS.

Real questions that keep me up at night, part 809

me:  I can’t sleep.

Victor: Why?

me:  Because pretty much everyone in the world calls pineapples “ananas” or something similar, except for America but why?  I assume it’s because pineapples look like pine cones on the outside? But they aren’t like apples on the inside. They’re more like oranges. Why don’t we call them pine-oranges?

Victor:  Well now I can’t sleep either.

I stole this image from 9gag but I'm fairly certain they stole it from someone else so fair enough.

I stole this image from 9gag but I’m fairly certain they stole it from someone else, so fair enough.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Rocky Mountain Essentials, a family-owned company that creates all natural health & beauty products. “We believe in three things; amazing customer service, fair prices and the producing products from the highest quality ingredients.  Most products manufactured and package in the USA, and US shipping is free for orders over $20.”  Plus, their instagram is freaking awesome and lightly sprinkled with kittens.  Just saying.

What even are you?

Have you done the Myers-Briggs test?  I did mine a long time ago but it never changes much.  I’m an INFP, super heavy on the introverted part.  A dreamer/mediator/healer.  And it makes sense, I guess.  INFP’s are often writers.  They’re pure idealists, always looking for good in bad, and are usually perceived as shy, isolated and misunderstood.  They listen to everyone but usually only pick one single cause to focus on, otherwise they get too overwhelmed with the bad in the world.  They easily lose touch and withdraw into hermit mode, and it takes a lot of energy from friends and family to bring them back.  They are focused on kindness and compassion but are too idealistic, setting themselves up for disappointment as evil things happen in the world.  They are loyal, apologize to inanimate objects and crave harmony.

It’s eerily accurate, but I can’t decide if it’s accurate because I’m answering the questions that put me into a group that matches my answers or if the group already exists and the answers help me understand who I am.  Regardless, I often ask friends what their personality type is because it helps me understand the issues we’ll have.

I’m interested though in what your personality type is.  INFP is supposedly rare (composing just 4% of the population) but I wonder if that’s true here?  Do we all attract like-minds?  Or is it our difference that pulls us together?  Regardless, I’d like to know.  You can take a quick version of the test here if you haven’t already.  Leave it below, y’all.

PS.  Victor is an ESTJ (Executive) which means “OH MY GOD, I DON’T CARE ABOUT THESE DUMB TESTS SO STOP ASKING ME ABOUT THEM”.  That is so ESTJ.

 

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Cosmic Box, which is like an awesome surprise gift to yourself.  Cosmic Box is delivered monthly for body, soul, home and life.  Anything from gems, to organic aromatic oils and herbal teas. A great way to start a new year, taking care of yourself, a little monthly care package for the soul. Costs $27 (shipping included!) and when you use referral code: bloggess at checkout (good until 1/31) you will get an extra surprise bonus gift.  You should check it out here.

 

Simple #oneword2016

Several of my friends have told me that I need to do the #oneword2016 challenge, where you pick a single word for the new year…one word that makes you focus on your main goal for the year.  Something like “passion” or “family” or “flourish” or “reinvest”.  I chose “simplify” because my life is too complicated for my head to deal with and I need to make it less so.  But then I thought if I really wanted to simplify my first step should be to simplify my word, so I cut it down to “simple”, which works well because it’s a simpler version of simplify and also because “simple” also means “ignorant or foolish” and that just seems fitting.  But then I thought that if I really wanted to simplify I should start by cutting out the extra work that I always make for myself so I decided to cut the idea of even having a word for the year.  Done.  Simple.

PS.  I’m not sure if this is how this is supposed to work but I do feel like I’ve accomplished something, so, fair play.

PPS.  I told Victor he needed to pick a word for the year and he just screamed: “RETRIBUTION!”  I told him he needed to pick another word and he chose “tanning”.  Hailey’s word is “grape”.  I don’t think either of them are doing it right but they seem happy.

PPPS.  Your turn.  What’s your word?

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

sth

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Happening-Life.com a website for  a wide range of topics, including parenting, relationships, self-development, fashion, beauty and more. It provides practical advice that readers can apply in their lives and expand their horizons. Recently, the website delved into exploring the meaning of life and its purpose; questions that most people ask at some point in life and would like to know the answers to for a greater sense of fulfillment. It’s quite interesting.  Check it out here.

This would be funnier if you were drunk too.

A morning in the life of me:

This morning I went to see Sisters at the movies with my friend Maile.  We were concerned that it might not be funny and we needed it be so we ordered drinks but the movie theater was like, “It’s illegal to sell you booze this early on Sunday morning unless you get food because Texas is weird” but then they admitted that the slice of lime they put on the side of my margarita counts as food, which was awesome because then we were lightly buzzed and also we weren’t going to get scurvy.  I had to pee halfway through the movie but I didn’t want to miss anything so I ran as fast as I could to the restroom, but on the way back I guess I was running too fast (and my feet shrunk because it’s cold here) so as I was running my shoe shot off my foot and flew into the air and when it fell it hit a stranger in the back.    And he was looking up at the ceiling like, “What just fell on me?” and I looked up the air, like I was also concerned that things were falling and said, “Whoa.  What just happened?” as I slipped my shoe back on (which sounds bad but my shoe barely hit him and it was really embarrassing so technically we were both victims) and then I ran back to my seat and told Maile we couldn’t leave because I hit someone with a flying shoe.  And she’s a good friend because she didn’t even blink.  Then this old lady beside us had to go to the bathroom but she lost her balance and almost toppled down the stairs but Maile grabbed her in a concerned man-handling sort of way and kept her from breaking all of her hips, so I think our karma equaled out.  (Saving old ladies > owning a shoe that kicks people in the back.) Like, technically I think we could even kick a few puppies and we’d still be up on the karma points.  Not that we would.  I’m just saying that we could, but we wouldn’t.  Which makes our karma even higher, I think.  Choosing not to kick puppies is a +2 to your karma score every day, y’all.  This is science.

So, long story short, I know this is gonna piss a lot of people off, but Sisters was way funnier than Star Wars.  Sorry, not sorry.

PS.  The booze may not have completely worn off yet.  Sorry.  For real.  Sorry.

PPS.  Also, our husbands and kids met us for lunch afterward and Victor ordered fish.  I think it’s supposed to be fancy but basically they just dropped a whole fish in the fryer which seems like the laziest way to make fish ever.  I usually don’t get why people post pictures of their food and drinks on the internet but I’m making an exception because THEY DIDN’T EVEN REMOVE THE TEETH.  I didn’t even know fish had teeth, so maybe they added them?  I don’t know how fish work.

fishteeth

PPPS.  Sorry again.  For all the stuff above.  The usual.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

sth

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Garage Door Nation.  That seems like a weird sponsor but who doesn’t have or need a garage door?  EVERYONE.  Plus, they’re paying for you to read this so let’s give them attention.  They’re the leading supplier of garage door springs and other parts for the do-it-yourselfer looking to save big, including the garage door insulation kit which lets you insulate your garage for lower energy bills all year. They ship nationwide and offers 24/7 online customer service.  Check out their step-by-step free video tutorial here.

I don’t understand how words work.

I just told Victor that we might need to buy some sandwich stuff before Christmas because no restaurant is going to open and we’re going to starve, and he said we should just try to cook real meal because he assures me that “cooking is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.”  And I was like, “I am already questioning your logic because who shoots fish? And why would you shoot them if they’re already in a barrel?  Obviously someone has already caught them so the whole shooting thing is just violent overkill and extra work.  And at best you’d end up with a barrel full of fish parts and blood and that would make it even harder to see the rest of the fish, who are all hiding because some maniac is shooting at them. And then you have to remove all the shrapnel from the fish before you eat them, and probably you’d shoot a hole through the barrel because that’s how guns work and then you’d end up with bloody fish water pouring all over the carpet. If you want to convince me something is worthwhile you should say that it’s easier than netting fish which are already in a barrel, or simpler than knocking over a fish barrel so you can pick up the fish.  Or just set the barrel over a fire and make fish soup.  Pretty much anything is easier and more efficient than shooting fish in a barrel.”  And then Victor stared at me and walked off and now I don’t understand how words work AND we’re going to starve to death at Christmas.  Plus, now I’m craving fish.  No one wins here.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

sth

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the people behind Melt: massage for couples. It’s an instructional massage video that teaches you how to be a kick-ass masseuse with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access.  It makes a great holiday gift, like those “Good for one hug” coupon books you made as a kid, but instead you get a massage where everyone wins.  It’s a very good skill to learn when it comes to love, calming angry dogs, and being a bad-ass mofo.  Check it out here.

They also won’t sell you a giant tub of pickles even though they totally have them.

When I was on book tour I had my first In-N-Out Burger.  The burger tasted like a burger and the fries tasted like the ghost of french fries, so I’m not sure why people love it so much, but the real story here is that I’d always heard that there was a “secret menu” you can order from if you’re in the know, but I don’t actually know anything so I just randomly guess-ordered stuff.  Things I asked for them to give me that apparently aren’t on the secret menu:

  • cobbler
  • stew
  • breast milk
  • a wheelbarrow full of human hair
  • Snakes.  Lots and lots of snakes.
  • Wine
  • Everything in the cash register
  • A cashier with infinite patience  (I didn’t ask for that one out loud but it was obvious that wasn’t in the cards.)

I’m not allowed to go back there, I think.

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And now, after a 3 month absence while I was on book tour, the weekly wrap-up is back!  (Graphic by @chickenpants)

chickenpants

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. It’s basically an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access.  It makes a great holiday gift so you can learn how to sqwoosh people seductively.  It’s a very good skill to learn when it comes to love, calming angry dogs, and being a bad-ass mofo.  Check it out here.

It’s like a lemonade stand, but not at all.

My 10-year-old daughter got a “fashion sketchbook” last Christmas and she uses it to draw obscure t-shirt designs and astronaut suits and clothes for cats.  She showed me one design that seemed particularly confusing.

She’d started with the phrase “I PUNCH LIKE A GIRL” because she thought it was empowering (plus also anyone questioning her would get punched) so the t-shirt was both a girl-power mantra and also a legal disclaimer, but she’d messed up the “G” because “cursive is hard” and it looked like a “B” so she decided to just change it to “I PUNCH LIKE A BEAR”.

Which is awesome.  For girls and guys.  So she designed the shirt (with a little help from me) and is now selling it in my shop because that’s what kids do today instead of lemonade stands.  I assume.

punch like a bear

 

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And now, the weekly wrap-up…

SID3

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jennifer Ammoscato, author of the novel Dear Internet: It’s Me, Avery. When newspaper reporter Avery Fowler discovers her husband is having an affair, the online help site HowTo.com is naturally where she turns to navigate this challenging stage of her life. Its live chat option gives her a virtual life coach (Clementine, a snippy, British chippy) for the low, low price of $14.95 a month. A perfect book for anyone who’s been screwed over. Or had a bad hair day. Or tried haemorrhoid cream under their eyes to hide the bags because they read online it might help. You can check it out here.