I saw this on pinterest and it wasn’t attributed to anyone, which is probably good because it’s basically a picture of your door telling you what to do. Which is kinda fucked up. Because now you’re taking orders from a door.
Stop being so demanding. You're a fucking door.
Some people will say it’s a nice idea because positive suggestions are almost always a good thing, but I think if you’re at the point when you’re looking to your door for advice then you probably need more help than just the generic “Be more awesome.”
That’s why I suggest writing these on your doorjamb instead:
It's a little creepy, but sweet. Mostly creepy though.
This one's good because it has lowered expectations, and also because if you do fuck something up you can just blame it on your door forcing you to do things and no one will argue with you because you sound too unbalanced to engage with.
The original just said "Don't set stuff on fire" but then I changed it because this way it appeals to arsonists too, and I think door advice should be more inclusive.
And my personal favorite:
Because...yeah.
And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by I Just Want to Pee Alone*, a collection of 37 essays from some of the funniest mom bloggers on the web. Each essay is the perfect length to read during a pee break, and if you leave the book in your bathroom you should finish it in approximately 37 pees. Hence, this book prevents urinary tract infections and possibly depression. Your bladder will thank you. This book makes a fabulous mother’s day gift.
“How much blood will each bag hold?” ~ Victor to a baffled clerk while buying several boxes of black trash bags at a gas station.
And that’s the reason why I will never divorce this man.*
*Both because of his incredibly inappropriate sense of humor and because I suspect he was imagining my blood in the bags.
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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Rheel Daze. From the author: “What happens when instead of pursuing your dreams in your twenties, you settle for every bottle of Bacardi you can get your hands on? You end up trying again in your thirties, with half the fervor you possessed a decade ago. That’s Kelly. Still chasing the dream…but at a comfortable pace.”
An actual screenshot of the news as personally recommended to me:
No. Really. I can't even make this shit up.
I also got a spam comment at almost exactly the same time. At least, I hope it was a spam comment.
Wait. That's not true, is it?
My first thought was “Why is the ‘c’ capitalized?” And then I thought, “Holy shit, why is THAT the first problem I have with that sentence?”
I probably need to get away from the internet for awhile.
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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Denise Malloy, blogger and author of A Real Mother: Stumbling Through Motherhood, a hilarious, light-hearted book which has been named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best of 2012. And you can get it on kindle for 99 cents. You can’t even get a coffee for 99 cents, y’all. Best deal ever.
Conversation with my husband:
Victor: Ugh. I’m having a shitty day.
me: What’s wrong? Release your burdle unto me.
Victor: Um…my what?
me: Your burdle. it’s short for “bundle of burdens”.
Victor: That’s not a real word.
me: It is. I just used it.
Victor: Just because you say it doesn’t mean that it’s a real word.
me: Actually, it does. That’s where new words come from. I’m like the stork of new words.
Victor: Well if it’s short for “bundle of burdens” wouldn’t that be “bundens”?
me: Bundens? Don’t be ridiculous. ”Bundens” is not a real word.
Victor: You make my head hurt.
me: You’re my husband. It’s the heavy burdle you have to bear.
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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Flip Your Cats. From the makers: “Flip the Cats is simple to learn, challenging and fun; you trap and capture your opponent’s cats by placing yours around them. Place your cats on either side of your opponent’s to flip it to your colour… but on their turn, your opponent can do the same to you. FLIP YOUR CATS TO VICTORY.”
You know when you run into a wall that has been there for literally the entire time you’ve lived in your house and you practically knock yourself out running into it, and then your husband comes in and instead of helping you up he just sighs and shakes his head like “This? Again?” And then you’re all, “Gravity’s still working” and he looks baffled and so you painstakingly explain “The gravity is still on. I just checked. YOU’RE WELCOME” and then he looks even more confused than usual?
My whole life is made of those moments.
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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
(Image courtesy of the Magnificent Mr. Shaw.)
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Just a Drop – featured on Dr. Oz. From the creators: “Just a Drop is the revolutionary personal bathroom odor eliminator that works BEFORE you go. Simply place a drop into the toilet BEFORE you go and Just a Drop forms a seal on the surface of the water preventing any foul odors from escaping into the air. Made from plant extract and safe for the environment.”
