Stop being so demanding. You're a fucking door.

Some people will say it’s a nice idea because positive suggestions are almost always a good thing, but I think if you’re at the point when you’re looking to your door for advice then you probably need more help than just the generic “Be more awesome.”

That’s why I suggest writing these on your doorjamb instead:

It's a little creepy, but sweet. Mostly creepy though.

This one's good because it has lowered expectations, and also because if you do fuck something up you can just blame it on your door forcing you to do things and no one will argue with you because you sound too unbalanced to engage with.

The original just said "Don't set stuff on fire" but then I changed it because this way it appeals to arsonists too, and I think door advice should be more inclusive.

And my personal favorite:

Because...yeah.

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by I Just Want to Pee Alone*,  a collection of 37 essays from some of the funniest mom bloggers on the web. Each essay is the perfect length to read during a pee break, and if you leave the book in your bathroom you should finish it in approximately 37 pees. Hence, this book prevents urinary tract infections and possibly depression.  Your bladder will thank you.  This book makes a fabulous mother’s day gift.

And that’s the reason why I will never divorce this man.*

*Both because of his incredibly inappropriate sense of humor and because I suspect he was imagining my blood in the bags.

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Rheel Daze.  From the author: “What happens when instead of pursuing your dreams in your twenties, you settle for every bottle of Bacardi you can get your hands on? You end up trying again in your thirties,  with half the fervor you possessed a decade ago. That’s Kelly. Still chasing the dream…but at a comfortable pace.”

No. Really. I can't even make this shit up.

I also got a spam comment at almost exactly the same time.  At least, I hope it was a spam comment.

Wait. That's not true, is it?

My first thought was “Why is the ‘c’ capitalized?” And then I thought, “Holy shit, why is THAT the first problem I have with that sentence?”

I probably need to get away from the internet for awhile.

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Denise Malloy, blogger and author of A Real Mother: Stumbling Through Motherhood, a hilarious, light-hearted book which has been named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best of 2012.   And you can get it on kindle for 99 cents.  You can’t even get a coffee for 99 cents, y’all.  Best deal ever.

Victor:  Ugh.  I’m having a shitty day.

me:  What’s wrong?  Release your burdle unto me.

Victor:  Um…my what?

me: Your burdle.  it’s short for “bundle of burdens”.

Victor: That’s not a real word.

me: It is.  I just used it.

Victor: Just because you say it doesn’t mean that it’s a real word.

me:  Actually, it does.  That’s where new words come from.  I’m like the stork of new words.

Victor:  Well if it’s short for “bundle of burdens” wouldn’t that be “bundens”?

me:  Bundens?  Don’t be ridiculous.  ”Bundens” is not a real word.  

Victor: You make my head hurt.

me: You’re my husband.  It’s the heavy burdle you have to bear.

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Flip Your Cats.  From the makers: “Flip the Cats is simple to learn, challenging and fun; you trap and capture your opponent’s cats by placing yours around them. Place your cats on either side of your opponent’s to flip it to your colour… but on their turn, your opponent can do the same to you.  FLIP YOUR CATS TO VICTORY.”

My whole life is made of those moments.

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

(Image courtesy of the Magnificent Mr. Shaw.)

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Just a Drop – featured on Dr. Oz. From the creators: “Just a Drop is the revolutionary personal bathroom odor eliminator that works BEFORE you go.  Simply place a drop into the toilet BEFORE you go and Just a Drop forms a seal on the surface of the water preventing any foul odors from escaping into the air.  Made from plant extract and safe for the environment.”

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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Big Book of Dumb White Husband.  If you’re not him, you know him. He’s challenged the grocery store. He’s confronted the HOA. He’s even taken on Santa. He loses—a lot. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are now available all in one dumb place—the bestselling Big Book of Dumb White Husband by Benjamin Wallace.

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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the talented Elisabeth Staab, author.  Book two of her Chronicles of Yavn – Prince of Power – is half urban fantasy and half romance with giant handfuls of wizards and vampires thrown in for good measure.  Find it.

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

me:  I think if I was ever on a game show and I didn’t know the answer I’d just say “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” because then the host would be forced to say “No.  That is incorrect.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  So basically Pat Sajak would be on tv implying that children should be forcibly put on spikes.  And then I’d be like “Well, I want a second opinion, Pat.  Because children are not kabobs.”

Victor:  I’m not even listening to you anymore.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by So Then…Stories, where Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters and blunders – and invites you to do the same.  I highly recommend.

You can't tell but I'm holding my pinkie out here. Because I'M CLASSY.

It’s a single-serving wine.  But it’s in a pudding cup with a foil top because apparently screw tops are too classy now.  I got it for 99 cents at the gas station.  All of this is true.

Also, it’s not quite as good as Boone’s Fine Apple Wine, but I still like it because it’s very tiny and I can sneak it into movies and meetings with the principal.  It’s also nice because “Copa” is Italian for “cope” and that’s what wine is for.  I’m not sure if that last one is true, but if I was saying “cope” in Italian that’s how I would say it.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by MORANTHOLOGY (On Sale Nov. 6), a hilarious, insightful collection of Moran’s London Times columns that confirms her status as
“the UK’s answer to Tina Fey, Chelsea Handler, and Lena Dunham all rolled
into one” (Marie Claire).  Also, “she is a total bad-ass” (me).

Victor:  Or sweet as a zipper.

me:  Fascinating as a safety pin.  Although, I guess it’s better than “cuter than a bug’s ear”.

Victor:  It’s hard not to be cuter than an insect appendage.

me:  I just looked it up.  It says “cute as a button” is short for “a quail button”.

Victor: What’s a quail button?

me: This monstrosity, apparently:

Victor:  Wow.  That looks…terrifying.  Like a poultry demon.

me:  It’s like if Satan…was a bird.  Except, now that I think about it, Satan is supposed to be super hot and tempting so maybe in a round-about way it all makes sense.

Victor:  ”Your baby is as cute as Satan.”

me:  Yep.  That sings.

Victor:  I want that on a greeting card.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s round-up sponsored by  Awkward Moments with Men, an uninhibited and snarky collection of sordid but awesome stories about the perils of love and lust for two young women in the modern world.  I haven’t finished it completely, but I recommend.

Victor:  Why?

me:  Because all she could eat when she was a mermaid was raw kelp and there’s practically no calories in kelp.

Victor:  She lived in the ocean.  She ate fish.

me: SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH FISH.  She talked to every living thing there was.  Even seagulls.  She couldn’t even eat seagulls.  I bet she was fucking starving.  Have you seen her waist?  That’s not normal.  It looks like she’s had ribs removed.

Victor:  Huh.

me: And then she suddenly becomes human and stops swimming – so she’s not getting any cardio – and then she discovers cheese.  And bacon.  And cheesy bacon.  OMG, I want cheesy bacon.

Victor: You’ve thought about this way too much.

me:  If I was the little mermaid I’d get so fat.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s round-up sponsored by The Dumb White Husband’s Guide to Babies.   Children are amazing and their limitless capacity for love is matched only by their ability to make you feel like an idiot. But you’re not alone.  Dumb White Husband vs. Babies tackles the subjects that other baby books ignore.

How to make a cat costume for the cat:

1.  Take one stuffed animal:

I went for a cat that looks suspiciously like Hobbes. (The tiger, not the philosopher.)

2.  Rip his face off.  Don’t do this in front of small children, as it will scar them for life (but will also probably get them to clean their room the first time you ask.)

It's like "The Scream". But with tigers.

3.  Stick your cat’s head through the slightly mutilated animal face hole:

So, so happy.

EVERYONE WINS.

He's actually fine with the costume, but he doesn't like having his ears covered so he pulls the hood behind him and it becomes a cat scarf. Keeping cats warm and costumed....it's what I do.

PS.  Ferris Mewler got a costume too but he was a bit upset with it.  Probably because it wasn’t home-made:

He's a pumpkin.

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s round-up sponsored by Hyland’s Homeopathy.  You can enter their Halloween contest by uploading cute photos of their kids in costumes.  The person with the most votes will win the Grand prize that includes a $100 Visa Gift Card, Cold Weather Products from Hyland’s & a backpack.  Or if you don’t have kids you could probably just dress up some cats.  And if you don’t have any cats you could steal some.  That’s what I’d do.

PS.  Hyland’s does not support the kidnapping of cats.  That was my idea.  Apparently I need to clarify that for some reason.

Me too.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by ebook publisher Open Road Media and their Fright-Free Halloween campaign, promoting family-friendly fall cooking, craft ebooks and Halloween-themed children’s stories that take the scary out of Halloween for kids.  Check out  The Berenstain Bears Get the Scardies ebook.  It’s like The Shining, but with bears and no corpses.

A monkey has murdered my cat.

Then I poked Hunter and he was still alive and seemed pissed when I tried to rescue him, so instead I just reminded him where the knife drawer was and he looked at me like I was totally overreacting.

"Don't judge us."

Sometimes you just have to lean into the weird.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by The non-girlfriend, a hilarious and often times confusing cautionary tale.  She was MIA for awhile, but as she deftly puts it:  ”The bitch is back“.