Category Archives: weekly reruns

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY. ~ MAVERICK

Today I saw this duck at the pharmacy drive-thru (AKA: the drug-hole) and he was looking kinda lonely.  Victor thought maybe he missed his flight but I think probably he was just tired of looking at duck butts and decided to travel alone.  But then I got worried because what if he was sick and needed me to take him home, so I got out of the car and was like, “Heeeere, Maverick Maverick Maverick” (because I’d already named him Maverick) and then Maverick was like, “Who?” (because I guess he didn’t know his awesome name yet) and started to back up (because he apparently did know about stranger danger).

maverick being a duck

But then he started doing this thing where instead of flying he just jumped really happily like he was skipping.  And it was so awesome and full of joy.  But then I thought maybe he was also full of worms or something because what kind of ducks skip?  But then Maverick was like “THAT WAS FUN BUT ENOUGH SKIPPING.  I’M OUTIE, BITCHES” and he flew majestically away.  And it was beautiful.

So now this picture of Maverick doing the joyful pogo-jump is my new favorite thing ever:

maverick being awesome

“Wheeeeee!” ~ Maverick

Let’s all be Maverick today, y’all.  Not like, skipping everywhere.  Just skipping in our hearts.  Unless you want to skip in real life because I do it all the time and it’s actually a really good work out.  If there was a skipping marathon I’d totally almost think about doing it (but then not do it because that sounds like it’d be sweaty).

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

Art from Annie Wilson, who is too young to read this blog but is a very good artist.

Art from Annie Wilson, who is adorable and far too young to read this blog.  STOP READING, ANNIE.  DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by this kickstarter for KinderPerfect – a new card game for frazzled parents. From them: “Our aim is to take the everyday pain of parenthood and turn it into an excuse for mommy juice!  KinderPerfect will contain 200 casino-quality cards that can be played as a stand-alone game, or used in combination with similarly formatted word association games like Cards Against Humanity or Apples to Apples. We’re sponsoring Design Parties across the USA, and anyone can submit a card idea – if we use it in the final game, we’ll send you a free deck.”  You should check it out right here.

I just want to thank you.

This has been a rough few weeks for me (see the last post) but your words and cat videos have made me feel so much less alone and I can’t thank you enough for that.  This video came in right when I was feeling particularly down and it made me cry, but in a good way.  Thank you.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Vivian Swift, author of Gardens of Awe and Folly: A Traveler’s Journal on the Meaning of Life and Gardening.  She’s a bad-ass artist and now I want to learn how to paint with water colors.  Which is good because her blog gives great pointers on that.  You should check both out.

Personally I just ball ’em up and shove them in the closet.

Number 89 of things I found on my phone that made me wonder what I was thinking when I wrote it, but at the same time, I’m totally right:

People who can’t fold a fitted sheet are like people who can’t fold water.  And you might say “Wait.  But no one can fold water” and I to that I say, “FUCKING EXACTLY”.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melissa Pirwani’s book No Touching Secrets!  It’s a good book to use for parents caregivers and professionals to start a conversation with children in their care to help them be equipped and empowered regarding sexual abuse.  I don’t have a joke for this because there are no jokes for this.  It’s just a good thing to talk about with your kids.  The end.  Buy the book or find out more about it right here.

Not alone.

First off, Happy Easter to me:

unnamed-32

May you too have a basket made of dead armadillo filled with your favorite, weirdo things.  Including an Easter egg glued to a dead mouse.  Or Benedict Cumberbunnies. The usual.
unnamed-33

And speaking of weirdos, if you follow me on twitter you already know that this weekend you all gave me back faith in humanity and I saw so many of you save each other in amazing ways and I realized how often people become friends through this community.  But we should make that easier.  So if you’re on twitter put a link to yourself in the comments and I’ll follow you.  And others will to.  If you’re looking for a special connection to someone who shares the same issues then just leave it in the comments.  Like if you’re looking for someone to share taxidermy pictures with or if you want to bond with someone else who struggles with being bipolar or someone you can binge watch horror movies with when you have insomnia.  Whatever.

I’ll start.  I’m at https://twitter.com/TheBloggess and I like sloth videos and talking to people when I’m fighting off panic attacks.  Your turn.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by, uh…me?  I had someone but they turned out to be weird in a not-good way and so instead I’m sponsoring it myself.  Check out thebloggess.com because it’s awesome.  Except if you’re reading this you’re already here.  But technically that means that this ad was so effective that every single person who read it is now reading this blog.  THAT IS 100% TURNAROUND, Y’ALL.  You should totally advertise here because this shit is bonkers. Plus, ads start at $100 a month.  That’s crazy cheap.  First come, first served.

What are you even looking for? Seriously. What the shit.

Every once in awhile I look at the top searches that bring people to this blog, and then I think, What?  Why?  What?  And then I share it with you because honestly it’s jut too fucked up not to share.

The strangest searches that lead people to my blog this week:

pierced dog ears (Stop it.)

Did unicorns ever exist? (They still do.  They’re just very strong and they’re called rhinos.)

If it weren’t for my big balls I could have won. (I’m not sure what the contest is but I think this is a very good excuse for anything.  Track.  Spelling bees.  Whatever.)

What was wrong with the doll in the land of misfit toys?  (Low self-esteem?)

Hyena in my belly button (Please, God, tell me you misspelled “hernia”.)

jenny the squirrel nude  (So confused.)

lf you laugh in a dream you hand out sperm.  (Is this a dream interpretation?  Because I think you’re doing it wrong.)

What does she mean when she said I am going to miss your blabbering (It doesn’t seem like a good sign.)

What causes belly button to protrude and get wounded  (Hyenas?)

What’s great about eating brownies?  (Pretty sure this is a trick question.)

Taxidermy pygmy goat for sale (Send me pics.)

What does it mean when u did in your ear it feel like something crawls away when i smoke (You’re totally high right now, aren’t you?)

women’s gurgling belly adult movies (Is that a new thing?)

Why is my umbilical cord chilly (I don’t even know what to say here.)

You know that i’m not going to fucking marry you regardless of what you say (I’m already married but I still feel rejected, so thanks.)

i am a number less than 3,000. when you divide me by 32, my remainder is 30. when you divide me by 58, my remainder is 44. what number am i?  (Are you coming here for math homework advice?  Because you are in the wrong place, my friend.)

Can I use a hot glue gun stick to make a anal plug? (OH MY GOD, NO.  Wait, do you mean before it’s heated?  But still, probably still no.)

Why do I have a long, clear hair on third eye?  (I think you’re concerned about the wrong thing.)

Cats eating baby brains.  (How did it even get this far?  Because babies heads are protected by skulls and cats really only eat the face meat at best.  Have you confused cats with zombies?  Also, why are you googling this.  Call a hospital.)

Recreational drug I smoked taste like burnt plastic (I think you might be smoking plastic.  Is your bong plastic?  Because that’s how you get cancer.)

The secret about watermelon (Is the secret that it’s delicious?)

What is a hat vulva?  (Well now we both want to know.)

Beaver shot (I’m not sure if this is a hunting thing or a sex thing but either way I’m not into it.)

I’m going to disney world but i dont know because i can’t read  (What?)

I have 3 nipples.  (Are you one and a half people?)

dont.you.love.when.your.in.conversation.and.you.get.hung.up.on.like.really.no call.back (What’s happening here?)

I think they replaced my generic xanax with genericer xanax (“Genericier” is my new favorite word.)

This is the second time my potato pain doctor is late sending in refill  (THANKS, OBAMA.)

Goat shoes (Sure.)

I put banana in my veginer (1.  That doesn’t sound sanitary, but it’s probably better than hot glue. 2.  Forget “genericier”.  “Veginer” is now my new favorite word.)

My meth won’t melt.  (I guess I don’t know how meth works.  Are you bragging or complaining?)

My cat seems like she is feeling good what am i doing right? (I want to high-five you and also I’m confused.)

Why are girl scouts such bullshit  (Mom?)

alligator lizard in my toilet (What is even happening here?)

ear digging bugs in cambodia  (Nooope.)

dead squirrel wall  (There’s a dead squirrel in your wall or you have a wall built out of dead squirrels?  Either way, ew.)

hamster vargina seal broken (This is just a random string of words, right?  Please?)

Twitter my little pony friendship witchcraft aeroport (Am I high?  Are you high?)

Why am I so muscular? (Wow.)

Angry because my cat don’t pick up my phone. (Pick your battles, dude.)

can i eat kfc mashed potatoes with inflamed gallbladder? (No.  Use your mouth.)

hydrogen peroxide in ear to remove roaches   (AAAAAAAAHHHH.)

You will be my valentine or get the hose again? (Well, that escalated quickly.)

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you GloHoliday Travel a helpful, easy-to-use travel tips and holidays guide site.  Don’t let life pass by without taking the opportunity to roam the world and see new faraway places.  Gloholiday.com has a busy Pinterest and Facebook page filled with wonderful travel ideas, videos and pictures to inspire you. To see some of the wonderful vacation tips and holiday ideas on the site just head over and check it all out at gloholiday.com.

Pick up the book nearest you…

Someone just sent me this:

page45

So I decided to test it with my books.

The first full sentence of page 45 of the advance copy of Furiously Happy:

“It was like the Jesus-beach-footprint-in-the-sand poem, except with less Jesus and more bleeding.”

Huh.

Trying again with the final version of Furiously Happy:

“It wasn’t enough blood to be worrisome.”

So that’s…not much better.

Okay.  Let’s try the paperback of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened:

page 45 bloggess

Yeah.  I think we’re done here.

Your turn.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by You Made Me a Mother, a super cute picture book about motherhood. It looks innocent at first, but you start reading it to your kid and suddenly you’re draining your eyeholes of tears and your kid is asking you what the hell you’re crying about. The book came about because of a viral video and Harper Collins was quick to pen a deal with the writer, Laurenne Sala, and Robin Preiss Glasser, the illustrator behind the NYT Best-selling Fancy Nancy series and their adorable picture book that hits shelves March 8th. If you want to watch anyone weep immediately, this is the present for them. Works on all kinds of moms, especially moms having baby showers, moms whose kids are going to college, moms with taxidermy collections, moms who never have a hair out of place, and moms who strictly wear holey yoga pants. Probably not for moms who totally hate their kids. Pre-order at YouMadeMeAMother.com

Haikus for yous.

I am on a lot of pain medication because I pinched a nerve in my neck last night but it’s Sunday so I will power through the pain and write you this wrap-up BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.  Even more than when I’m not high on pain killers.  Except I’m too groogy to think straight so instead I’m just going to write you some haikus.  People think haikus are super easy because they don’t have to rhyme, but they do have to fall into a 5-7-5 syllable scheme which means I’m doing poetry AND math, so back off asshole.  (Not you.  The asshole behind you who doesn’t like my haikus.  You’re fine.  I love you.)

Haiku #1

Victor blows his soup

Sometimes he’s too aggressive

My face is on fire.

 

Haiku #2

I would like more rum

Please, please, please, please, please.  Um, please?

Is that enough words?

Your turn!

(PS. Spellcheck tried to correct “groogy” to “groggy” but if you’ve ever been on pain killers you know that “groogy” is a much more accurate word.  It also suggested “groovy” and I get where you’re going with this, spellcheck, but pain killers make me vomit so it’s really not so “groovy “at all.  Stop trying to “help”, spellcheck.)

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

    • I went to the creepiest flea market ever.  And I love it.
    • It’s been 5 months and Furiously Happy is still on the top 20 NYT list.  That is all because of you and I can’t ever thank you enough.
    • Do you do adult coloring books to combat anxiety?  Because this is some next-level shit:  Sherlock and Doctor Who.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by AgileBits, who brings you 1Password, a safe, secure place to keep all your website passwords, credit card information, passport and driver license information. 1Password works inside your web browser, helping you log in to your various online account and filling your address and credit card information in checkout forms on shopping websites. You can use 1Password to change your online account passwords to strong, secure, and unique ones, without worrying about having to remember them. All you need to remember is one password, the Master Password that unlocks the app. 1Password works on your computer, tablet and smartphone, simply and securely keeping all your information in sync, readily accessible wherever you are.an online store to give you the things you need. Get a 25% off discount for the week of February 21st to 29th by using “bloggess” as the coupon code.

Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow hermits.

You know those candy hearts that taste like cancer and that have somewhat needy and trite things written on them?  I fucking hate those.  Which is why I glared at Victor when he handed me one.  Then I read it and took back everything I’ve ever said about them.

thebloggess let's read

WHEN DID THEY START MAKING THESE FOR REAL PEOPLE?

(Real people = introverts and hermits.)

Victor said he looked for one that would be a better fit but he couldn’t find one that said “MR. WHISKERS LUVS U 2.”  And that’s what Valentines Day is all about.  Being with someone who gets you.  And overpriced commercial bullshit.  But that’s another post.

PS. I can’t find who made this first to credit them but it’s the best Valentine’s Day card I’ve seen all year.

Screen Shot 2016-02-14 at 12.22.46 PM

PPS.  “Mr. Whiskers” is one of the outdoor cats that lives in our neighborhood.  It’s not a nickname for a penis.  That would be a super gross nickname.  I’m not even sure why I’m having to clarify this.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

    • Want a signed copy of my books inscribed to you?  Click here.  Also, yes, I will write “knock knock, motherfucker” in your book.  Just ask.
    • What I’m reading:  If you like zombie novels you’ll probably enjoy Cured.  I’m ready for the next one.  A ton of people recommended The Girl With All the Gifts so I’m starting that today.
    • Good company, y’all.
    • That crab’s got a knife and will cut you and I think I want to be best friends with it:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Virtually Ellen.  Looking for help on the time-consuming projects that keep you from real life?  Check her out. “As a Personal and Virtual Assistant, I love working with creative people who need a hand with necessary but time consuming tasks so they have more free time to focus on their brilliant projects or simply reduce overwhelm. I could be just what you need to manage the hundred little things that need to happen to make every project – and every day – a success. I’d love the opportunity to work with you, give you some extra hours in the day, and simplify life!” Check her out here.

Fun with closed captioning

I watch shows on my phone but I have a hearing problem so I always watch with closed captioning so I can understand it.  These are the most baffling screenshots I got from watching Orphan Black last month:

orphan black cc thebloggess

I’m sensing a theme.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Wende Mitchell’s new book, Flowers in Winter.  Summary:  Elly MacCalloum isn’t special. And she’s okay with that.  No owls are ever going to bring letters inviting her to attend a magical school. Her wardrobe only has clothes in it. She will never rescue a damsel in distress, lead valiant men into battle, or meet her husband through her inability to keep her shoes on. She has occasionally lost her shoes, though.  Elly is trying to create a normal, happy life for herself. She just isn’t sure what that looks like. While trying to balance her job and her relationship, Elly is also trying to help her friends — brash, opinionated Abby, and sweet, quiet Ryan, whose family refuses to accept him for who he is. As the three of them struggle to define themselves, they must decide what is worth fighting for, and what they should let go.  How do you find your way back to balance?  You should check it out right here.

You really are, you know.

I have a picture on my phone from four years ago.  I took it in the back offices of a bookstore when I was panicking and pacing and trying to calm down so I could go out and do a reading.  And in the middle of my panic I looked up and saw a cardboard sign above the door, and it was exactly what I needed to see at exactly the right time.

you

Whenever I start to fall apart, or doubt that I’ll ever fully get my shit together I pull up that picture.  I don’t know who wrote it or how it came to be but it helps me.  Maybe it’ll help you.  Because even if you’re fucking up in one part of your life, know that you are doing an excellent job in other parts.  It’s just hard to see it because the negative stuff feels so big that it keeps you from seeing all the things you’re nailing.  Like breathing.  You’ve been breathing all day, y’all.  Probably all your life.  EVEN IN YOUR SLEEP.  That’s dedication, motherfucker.

So just a reminder…

You’re doing an excellent job.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you TranscribeMe, a highly acclaimed, top rated work-from-home site where you can make money by transcribing audio and video files. From them: “With a user-friendly platform, convenient and regular payouts, and a steady work stream year round, it’s an amazing opportunity for moms to earn extra money, take charge of their own work schedule, and spend more essential time with family.”   Click here to register and find out more.