Category Archives: weekly reruns

And then I was attacked by a thousand rattlesnakes.

Every single night I go walking in the dark with Dorothy Barker because it’s cooler at night and I love the dark.  Hailey comes with me sometimes but she’s always a bit freaked out because she’s unnerved by the dark so we stay on our block.  I always try to teach her that the dark is good because you can hide in it but she thinks I’m nuts.  But last night she was at a sleepover and Victor was out of town so Dottie and I went walking and I was listening to Lore (my new favorite podcast about dark, terrible things) while we walked and this episode was about Elizabeth Báthory who murdered a shitload of people and may have bathed in their blood and I was thinking that it was good that Hailey wasn’t there because she would have been freaked out and then I heard this noise and it was like a rattlesnake spitting at me and then there was another and then it sounded like a thousand rattlesnakes had awoken and were spitting and shaking and Dottie was like “WTF IS GOING ON HERE?” and then it got immediately way too cold and I was suddenly completely drenched in what I could only imagine was blood or poison or both.

Turns out it was the sprinkler system turning on in my neighbor’s lawn and I was drenched because I was too afraid to move away and anger the snakes that were actually sprinkler heads.

And that’s pretty much how my whole week went.  You?

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access. Plus, if you’ve been putting off buying a Valentine’s Gift and now you’re panicking you can get this right now and not have to run to the grocery store for a bunch of shit no one wants.  And it’s on sale until Valentine’s Day, so bonus!  Check it out here.

LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL.

So, last week I asked my editor if I could get the paperback version of Furiously Happy so I could see what the new cover is going to look like and they were all, “No problem” but when I got the package I was like, “Well, this is a very small book” but that’s because it was literally just the cover, which was ridiculous but also sort of cool because I’ve never seen what a cover looks like before it’s been wrapped around a paperback book and now I know.

It looks like this:

The front

The front

The inside

The inside

But then today I went through the mail and this was in it!

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It’s very thick, I assure you.

YAY!  It comes out day after tomorrow.  A few places you can get it:

Leave a comment if you want one and I’ll give away a few as a preview to Booksgiving, which we’re going to do in a few days.  More to come, y’all.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

 

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, plus you can show your partner how they’re doing it wrong. Like, if they say “Hey, wanna see how I can disable someone with a pressure point?” That’s not good. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying. PS. It’s on sale until Valentine’s Day… Check it out here.

I am mostly sausage

Someone in the comments just responded with “Oh Jenny, you sausage” and this is now my favorite term of endearment because it makes me laugh and also, I am mostly sausage.  And so are you.  Even if you’re vegan. Because sausage is made of ground up meat parts and organs and bones and intestines and things better left unmentioned and I’m made of all of that too.  Except I’m not ground up yet.  Although one day when I’m cremated I will be ground up so technically I think that means I’m future sausage.  Or will be future sausage?  I’m not sure which tense to use when it comes to sausage of the future.

I tried to explain all of this to Victor and he just stared at me like I was crazy so I explained how sausage is made and apparently he didn’t want to hear it but I’m a sharer and what I have to share is knowledge, Victor.  And sausage.  If I have any.  And we used to have freezers full of it because my grandparents made piles of it once a year and I honestly thought that everyone’s grandparents ground up gross crap and stuffed it into intestine skins on their kitchen table but apparently it’s just a bohemian thing?  But then Victor made me doubt that it had ever happened at all so I googled it and google was like, “You are totally right.  As usual.  Also, can we interest you in some edible collagen or some natural beef bung?”  And no, google, you can’t.  Stop it.  We were cool and you made it weird.

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No, really. I’m full.

Aaaanyway, I guess that’s why people always say “you don’t want to watch the sausage being made” because if I’m sausage that means you’d be watching me being made, which I think would mean watching me being conceived and no one needs that.  I forgot where I was going with this but that’s to be expected because, hello? I’m mostly made of sausage.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Ballerina Death Squad.  It’s a long story.  No death or ballerinas involved.  Look at the page for the explanation.  You’re in if you want to be.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Nurturea small woman-owned business. (The small woman is Annie.) The Nurture body care line is plant based, and everything is scented only with essential oils. While Nurture believes in the psychological benefits of essential oils, we don’t claim our products will cure cancer. Well, since a portion of sales of It’ll Be OK Calm Balm benefit St. Baldrick’s Foundation, and they fund pediatric cancer research, maybe that one. One can hope.

Nurture yourself. Nurture others. Be Kind. And read the instructions – they’re usually good for a laugh.

Inhuman is the new pretty.

There’s this new camera app called meitu that everyone on the internet is using because it takes your picture and turns it into a sort of glossy, anime version of yourself.

meitu-bloggess

Edited to add:  Looks like there are some privacy concerns about the app so be careful out there,  okay?

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Deb Newmyer’s Moms for Hire, a stylish, eight-step guidebook for moms who want to kick their careers back into gear and amp up their professional mojo.  41% of moms choose to stay at home for significant amounts of time after having children and for many moms this is the most rewarding and important work of their lives. But what happens when kids are older, need less attention, and mom decides to go back to work?
Using creative exercises, advice, and anecdotes from well-known working moms, Moms for Hire is a go-to guide for moms looking for a successful re-entry strategy.  You can check it out here.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! Good things, mostly. Well done, you.

Merry Christmas!  Happy Hanukkah!  Jolly Festivus!  Insert whatever is necessary here!

I tried to count up all the toys and coats and books and blankets sent to children through this year’s Jame Garfield Miracle and I lost track after a few hours so I suspect it’s much more but I estimate that over $75k in clothes and toys were sent to children this year by our amazing community.  That includes over $25,000 in donations to Project Night Night to help homeless children.  (From Project Night Night:  “We are floored and so, so grateful!”)  I can’t share them for privacy sake but I’ve received so many pictures of small, beaming faces surprised with unexpected things under the tree.  You really are full of magic.  Thank you.  Thank you to those who helped and those who asked for help and those who stopped by to send love and encouragement.  In the last 7 years we’ve given over $400,000 to make sure that kids had a happy holiday.  No sponsors.  No marketing.  Just people working together for the good of others.  That’s insane, y’all.  

(And a very special thank you to a young lady who was herself helped during the very first James Garfield Miracle and who this year was so thrilled to be able to pass on gifts to a child in need.  Your email made me cry but in such a good way.)

front

James Garfield and I love you.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

xmas

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. It’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here.  Christmas vouchers are on sale today so if you fucked up and gave your honey a terrible gift you can go now and buy a voucher right here and be like, “I was totally kidding about that machete I gave you for Christmas.  THIS IS MY REAL PRESENT.  I’m gonna give you a bad-ass massage.  PLEASE PUT DOWN THE MACHETE.”  Seriously.  Put down the machete.  Pick up some massage skills.  We all win.

This is what comes from insomnia.

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take the new templates on picmonkey for Christmas cards but then remake them completely for my own amusement.  They’re probably too late to get by Christmas but I thought I’d share them here because they made me laugh.

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Victor says some of these aren’t even Christmas related but I think maybe we’ve been having different Christmases.

Also, I made the 2017 Bloggess Calendar.  Whoo!  Click on the images if you wanna check any out.screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-15-36-pm

PS. Calendar cover image illustrated by my talented friend Joe Badon.  He is a bad-ass.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Basically everything at the beginning of this post.  Just click on the images for the links.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, especially since it equips you with the training to give a kick-ass massage to your honey for the holiday.  It’s way better than a tie or a blender or a mop.  Why were you even thinking about give a mop?  That’s a terrible gift. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying.

Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

I keep a folder on my desktop of insulting things the internet has done to me.  It’s a very large folder.  Here are some of the most recent things which were insulting, and also very accurate and therefore even more insulting:

1

Suggested post on Facebook.  “Everything that inspires you, right here.” That right there is a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit. So…yeah.

COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.

Recommended for me by Amazon.  COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.  The usual.

Thanks, Linked in.

Thanks for believing in me, LinkedIn.

You don't know me, google.

You don’t know me, google.

What are you trying to say, google?

What are you trying to say, google?

Then someone told me to google my name + meme and I really should have known better after all of this.  But I didn’t.

7

Aw.  Thanks, internets.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by DIY Shareable, a site for DIYers who love to discover, create, & share inspiring DIY projects and ideas that highlight creativity, frugality, & repurpose.  From them: “Save money and time and let your creative juices flow in all things DIY, including home decor, crafts, organization, outdoor projects, and more.  Find DIY Inspiration in Our World. Share It in Yours.”  I’ve been looking at it and there’s a lot of great stuff about organization or decor but my personal favorite right now is the ugly Christmas Sweater post.  Now I need to make a puking reindeer sweater desperately.  Thanks, DIY Shareable.

Spellcheck is a bit of an asshole.

Today I got an email from a friend and it said, “Just thinking of you today, diarrhea.  How ya doing?” and I was like, “I was doing better before you called me ‘diarrhea’?  Is that your pet name for me?  Because I’m not sure I love it” and then she was like, “FOR FUCKS SAKE, SPELLCHECK.  I typed ‘dearheart’ and spellcheck auto-corrected it to ‘diarrhea’.  I don’t think you’re diarrhea.” And I guess that makes sense because even as I’m typing this spellcheck is like “‘DEARHEART’ ISN’T A REAL WORD.  I’M HELPING,” but when it comes to someone calling me “diarrhea” spellcheck is all, “YEP!  THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.  NO PROBLEMS HERE.”

Thanks, spellcheck.  You’re a real dearheart.

PS.  Now spellcheck is like “‘Dearheart’ still isn’t a real word.  Did you mean ‘dearhreart’?”

screen-shot-2016-12-04-at-12-14-44-pm

No, really.  WTF.

At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Gem & Honey infused bath salts from Wild Honey Apothecary.  From them: “A bath is nothing short of a sacred return to the water. Our Gem & Honey infused bath salts are blended with only pure botanical ingredients for highly aromatic soaking pleasure. Charged with the high vibration energy of quartz crystal and infused with biodynamic honey from Wisconsin.”  Their monthly delivery service is only $10 (shipping is included) and sends you two 1.5 ounce sachets of specially blended salts and a small quartz crystal.  I’m ordering some myself.  You should check out it out right here.

That’s not how this works.

So a few days ago I shared this picture on twitter:

screen-shot-2016-11-23-at-9-23-09-pm

…and then a stranger (whose twitter feed was mainly angry rants and vengeful bible quotes) tweeted, “ABORT YOUR DOG”.

And after about 15 seconds of this:

200_d

200w_d

raw-1

200_d-1

…I realized I couldn’t stop laughing because it was so ridiculous.

I was confused for a bit but then I figured out that she was yelling at people about abortion all day and then one of those people said something nice about my dog and this lady couldn’t handle it and also couldn’t come up with a better insult than “ABORT YOUR DOG”.  Which just makes me feel sorry for her and also makes me start giggling again because I’m a bad person and I can’t stop laughing at stupid people.  But then I thought, maybe that’s a great insult?  Because how do you even argue with that?  You can’t.  It’s too ridiculous and it makes anyone you’re fighting with pause and just walk away because you’re probably dangerous.   “Abort your dog” is the new “delete your account”.  Thank you, crazy lady.  Abort your dog too.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

2011_07_08_bloggess_sharack

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sleep Styler. which lets you dry and style your hair while you sleep. Before bed simply divide damp hair into sections and wind around the rollers for curly styles or hold flat and parallel to the rollers for straight.  When you wake up, just shake out of your soft, bouncy curls, and go.  The patented rollers are made with absorbent yoga towel fabric that wicks moisture away from the hair while remaining dry to the touch. Inside is soft laser-cut memory foam that conforms to your head while you sleep and the suede-like microfiber polishes the hair smooth.  For the cost of one blowout you can have effortlessly styled and healthy hair every day with The Sleep Styler.  You should check it out here.

Dorothy Barker is more graceful than any of us, really.

Today we are continuing with part 2 of “WHAT SHOULD DOROTHY BARKER WEAR FOR HALLOWEEN” because I am easily distracted and like to put clothes on dogs.  Last week she was Hank the Cow Dog.  This week she’s a ballerina.  Both weeks she’s looked at me like I’ve lost my mind and possibly I have but OMG Y’ALL.

I was never think enough to be a ballerina, but this dog is nailing it.

I was never thin enough to be a ballerina, but this dog is nailing it.

She's so happy. Or yawny. Or angry. Mostly the last two.

She’s so happy. Or yawny. Or angry. Mostly the last two.

"I'm shitting in your sandals tonight, lady." ~ Dorothy Barker

“I’m shitting in your sandals tonight, lady.” ~ Dorothy Barker

She didn’t love  wearing the tutu, but she definitely preferred it to the cowboy hat.  Next week?  We visit the dark side.

Like if Olan Mills and Glamor Shots had a dog.

Like if Olan Mills and Glamor Shots had a baby and the baby was a dog dressed as a ballerina.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

2011_07_08_bloggess_sharack

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Potsafe.  But that’s who sponsored last week, you might be saying to yourself.  And you are right.  But it’s so cool you probably want another set.  In case you missed it, it’s a safety accessory that protects kids (and everyone else) from accidental burns.  It’s actually really smart and you can check it out right here.  Mounts in minutes and protects kids (And clumsy people like me) from pulling a hot saucepan down from the stove.  Check out the video for a demo.