Victor is still in Japan so life is still weird and I’m continuing to share my daily journey with him on instagram.
Quick flashback to three days ago if you have been dunk since then (no judgement):
Day 3 of Victor being out of the country: Found a seven foot gold chicken chained to a tree on the side of the road. Sent Victor a video text of me singing "I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHICKEN" (ala Charlie and the Chocolate factory) and then I IMMEDIATELY got a notification from Bank of America that my credit card has been cancelled "for security reasons". This is not even a joke.
Today the shop selling the golden chicken was open so I decided to see much it was even though Victor was not entirely supportive. And then this happened:
So then I rushed in to find out who had sawed off Lindsay LoHen’s shackled foot to steal her away in the night but turns out that SOMEONE BOUGHT HER. And apparently several people had been fighting over her because the shop lady was like, “Wait. Were you the woman who was going to paint the paint the chicken black and put it at the end of her street so you could tell people to turn left at the beautiful giant black c0ck?” and I was like, “No. But now I’m pretty sure my sister is in town and bought Lindsay LoHen.” Long story short, no golden chicken for me. Unless Victor bought her as a surprise and is picking her up on the way home. Which seems unlikely.
Insert sad trombone noise here.
BUT the shop lady said that she could order another one, however there can be only one Lindsay LoHen so I asked if there were any other giant metal things…like maybe a trex? She’s looking into it. There is always hope, y’all.
And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- NUMBER 21 Y’ALL.
- If I could cook this is totally what I’d make for Thanksgiving.
- I love this.
- I bought this weeping angel a stress toy and it’s awesome because the hands don’t line up perfectly so it looks like the kid on Home Alone screaming. Plus, I cut a hole in the bottom and pulled out the rod inside and now it’s hollow and squishier and I can use it as a Xmas tree topper.
- People always ask if they can buy signed, personalize copies of my books for holiday gifts so go here if you want one or five. I go sign books once every month or so and they ship all over the world.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Treehut.co, which is the perfect way to give a sentimental gift without trying at all. Treehut.co is a California based company making unique and engravable wooden watches to show either your love or your hate. IT IS UP TO YOU. So when you forget an anniversary or need a great gift for your graduation nephew in a hurry, Treehut.co is a fantastic option that will make you look thoughtful even though we all know you just forget. You should check them out here, especially because they have a good sale on now.