This weasel = my brain trying to destroy me:

Me:  I have work to do.

Weasel: You should check the internet because  remember yesterday when that one person on the internet was wrong and it made you so mad, but not actually mad enough to register to leave a comment.  Go see if someone else left a comment calling them out.

me:  No.  I don’t care.

Weasel:  LIAR.  And check your blog because there might be a secret comment from Doctor Who asking you to go time-traveling with him.

me:  That’s not...possible.

weasel:  You hesitated.  You totally think it’s possible.  Quick – check twitter.

me: No.

weasel:  Just once.  And check your replies.  And check that girl you hate.  And check that girl you want to be more like. And check that girl who used to be on that show who’s totally crazy now and is posting insane shit that you can’t look away from.

me:  No.  I don’t remember her name.

Weasel:  Then IMDB her.  And then IMDB all the Anchorman quotes.  And then go look up all the trivia on the Mythbusters site.  And then go see if you were right about how many times the Vulcan mind-meld was used in the last movie.

me:  I already know it was two.

Weasel:  Victor says you’re wrong.

me:  UGH.  Fine.  I’ll just look that one thing up, but then we work.

**FIVE HOURS LATER.**

Weasel:  And those are all the ways in which you can die in a Disney park.  Now let’s wikipedia the most unusual ways to die ever.

me:  NO.  I HAVE REAL WORK TO DO AND I HAVE TO-oh my God, someone died from being smothered in cloaks?  Is that for real?

Weasel:  WIKIPEDIA IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  NOW CHECK PINTREST.  SUPERHEROES DOING FUNNY THINGS.  CATS IN BOXES.  OPEN YOUTUBE.  SOMEONE IS FALLING IN A FUNNY WAY AND YOU’RE MISSING IT.

me:  SHUT UP.  SHUT UP.  I NEED TO WORK.

Weasel:  What if someone just found a Sasquatch?  Quick – check the news.

me:  STOP IT.

Weasel:  Checking the news is mature.  It is immature to not keep a news website up all the time to keep up with breaking news.  WHAT IF THERE IS A FIRE MADE OF OGRES?

me:  You have a point.  Sort of.

Weasel:  Breaking news.  Someone called Kim Kardashian fat.  See if you think she looks fat.

me:  I DON’T CARE IF SHE LOOKS FAT.  I’VE NEVER EVEN SEEN ”THE KARDASHIANS”.  I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

Weasel:  You should probably see if their show is on netflix.  That seems like a big pop culture reference you probably need to know about.

me:  NO.  NO MORE TV.

Weasel:  Knowing pop culture is part of your job.  Just bookmark it for later.

me:  FINE.

Weasel:  Ooh!  There’s a new “Bob’s Burgers”!  If you don’t watch it it will go off the air and it will be all your fault and then it’s “Arrested Development” all over again.  Just leave it running in another window while you work.

me:  No.

Weasle:  It’ll be one thing you can check off your to do list.

me:  FINE.  But I’m only doing it while I answer emails.

Weasel:  Your computer just froze.  You can’t run that many things at once.  Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.

me:  No.  This is a sign that I need to stop watching tv on my computer.  WORK, DAMMIT.

Weasel:  You sound stressed.  You totally need cake.

me:  I DON’T HAVE ANY CAKE.  SHUT UP.

Weasel:  You should get some cake.   Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?

me:  I have no idea.  But it should totally be a thing.

Weasel:  OMG, THAT SHOULD BE OUR NEW BUSINESS.  GO BUY “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM”.

**FIVE HOURS LATER**

me:  What am I doing?  I don’t even know how to cook.

Weasel:  I think it’s called “baking” when you do it with flour.

me:  I’m pretty sure it’s called “cooking” no matter what.

Weasel:  You should look it up on the internet.  Hey, did you know it’s 3am?

me:  I hate you so much.

I hate it when that happens.

Related:  I did not buy the pheasant because I spent all my money on a beaver-skin top hat, and the old man ringing me up was all, “Nice beaver” and I was like “Surely you must be joking” and he was all, “No, I’m totally serious.  This is good beaver.”  And then I screamed “MY HUMOR IS WASTED IN THIS PLACE” and the cashier looked a bit confused and Victor reminded me that not everyone gets every pop-culture reference ever made, and then I was all, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

In brighter news, I got a beaver-skin hat for under $40 and I feel confident that at least half of you have wasted your life enough to get all of the references in this post.

Someone get me an eye tattoo and an ahkh necklace.

I sort of already hate myself from weighing in on this but people keep asking me to tweet about it and forward their petitions, and I really thought it would quiet down by now but it hasn’t, so I’m going to give my big, fat, stupid, irrelevant and probably wrong opinion on the changes Disney made from the original I-might-trust-her-to-babysit-my-kid-when-she’s-a-little-older Merida to get-the-fuck-away-from-my-husband Merida.

There are all sorts of calls to action to get Disney to admit that the new Merida looks a bit skanky and they’ve met with some success and that’s awesome.  Go team.  I hope you succeed.  But (in my opinion – stop yelling at me) the majority of people do not give a shit.  Mostly because we’re busy personally teaching our kids what strong women look like instead of letting Disney do it for us.  And in a way, Disney did us a favor here.  Did you have a talk with your kid about the new Merida? Because if you didn’t you missed a good opportunity to see where your kid stands on this, and to talk to them about over-sexualization.

I showed the new Merida to my eight-year-old and she assumed that it was Merida’s evil twin.  Which actually would make an awesome story, and personally I plan to tell stray children I see buying backpacks with the new Merida on them that the original Merida was eaten by the new Evil Merida because she was so hungry.  And they will probably believe it because seriously, look at her waist…the girl needs a damn sandwich.

Anyway, my incredibly dumb and probably ill-informed point is that it’s really uncomfortable to see a strong, child-like character get tarted up and flash bedroom eyes at you, but it’s equally sucky to rely on a giant corporation to teach your kids what strong women look like.  Strong women look like Amelia Earhart, Rosie the Riveter, Asmaa Mahfouz, or Elizabeth Smart. Or Wonder Woman, or Sally Ride or Sojourner Truth, or Amy Poehler, or Ada Lovelace, or Anne Frank.  Or your grandmother.

Or you.

I support and admire the men and women who speak out in the cause of feminism, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that there are so many amazing women who may never end up on a lunch box (Wonder Woman and Word Girl excluded) but who can make a great difference in the life and perceptions of our sons and daughters.

Okay.  Your turn.  Who’s your favorite female hero?

PS.  There aren’t any right or wrong answers here.  It’s totally okay to like pretty dresses and sexy princesses.  It’s totally okay not to.  No judgment.  Probably.

me:  Hunter is acting insane.  He just put Ferris Mewler in a headlock.

You can't see it but I suspect he has a tiny switch-blade.

Victor:  They’re fine.  Ferris looks sleepy.

me:  I’m pretty sure he was blacking out from the lack of oxygen.

Victor:  You’re overreacting.

me: Then he stalked me all day.

"You do not see me."

Victor: I don’t see him.

me:  HE’S HIDING BEHIND THE COBRA.

Victor:  Oh yeah.  He’s adorable.

me:  He just set fire to your office.

Victor: Stop texting me.

I don’t even have the words, you guys.

But you know who else deserves it?  The women who have struggled to be, or are still struggling to be moms.  The women who want children but just aren’t in a safe place in life to have them.  The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina.  The women who miss the children they once had.  The women who miss the children they lost before they ever met them.  The women who gave up their children so their child could have a better life than they could provide.  The women who were raised motherless, or with shitty mothers, or who have lost their mothers and are reminded of how alone they feel.  Mother’s Day is a confusing, weird, very-seldom-wrapped-up-with-a-nice-commercial-bow sort of day, and as for me, I salute you all – mothers or not…you’re here.  You’re alive.  You continue to survive.  You are worthwhile and wonderful.  Never forget that.

********

On a personal note, today I’ll be remembering the children I carried who never lived…and the one miracle who did.

PS.  This is technically a terrible picture.  The lighting is weird.  I’m not wearing make-up and the sun is too bright.  It was taken with a crappy cell phone.  But it’s one of my favorite pictures ever.  Why?  Because Hailey took it when she was playing around with my phone and she turned it around, put her arm around my neck to pull me in closer and then took the picture.  One day soon she’ll be too old to be want to take pictures with me, but I’ll keep this one safe until she survives the teenage years and comes back to love her mom like I adore mine.

I’m incredibly lucky for moments like this, and I hope that I never forget that.

There were, however, some complications after the auction closed that caused it to be pulled off ebay forever.

Email from Ebay:

Date: May 11, 2013, 4:36:12 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert:  (775046645)

MC018 Listing policy violation alert: (775046645)

You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.

We removed these listings because you’ve had too many duplicate
auction-style listings that didn’t end in a sale. The items we removed
are duplicates of other auction-style listings that are currently active
on your eBay account.

And they’re right because do you know how many auctions I’ve completed for possibly haunted robots that might eat you in your sleep?  ALMOST ONE.  I say “almost” because the only one I’ve ever done was removed.  Seriously, it would be impossible have any less auctions for a one-of-a-kind (thank Christ) possibly demonic broken robot.

So Victor called Ebay and was like “What the shit, Ebay?” (I’m paraphrasing) And they said they’d made a horrible mistake and it was all good until they clarified that they were only mistaken about the exact ways in which I had violated the system.

Second letter from ebay:

Date: May 11, 2013, 8:49:26 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert SR# 1-8650326259

You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.
We removed this listing because it violates our policy under Undermining Trust in the Marketplace.
The listing page serves as the main source of information for buyers, helping them decide what to buy and what to expect when they get an item.  As such, the page should only be used to describe the item for sale and to professionally communicate seller terms.  Sellers can’t include negative statements or comments that undermine trust or confidence in the Marketplace.

The overall policy is intended to help sellers both set and meet buyer expectations in the Marketplace.  Some of the most basic things a seller can do is provide accurate and consistent details about the item and to be clear and specific about the terms and conditions of the sale.

In other words, “Stop being so creative, asshole.  People might actually think you have a cat-eating robot with children’s souls trapped in it.  Because people are stupid and we have to protect them from themselves.  Apparently.”  Or at least, that’s my interpretation.

Luckily, an awesome guy named Alex won before the auction was pulled and he’s already contacted me so everyone wins.  Except the soon-to-be-eaten-cats in Alex’s neighborhood.  Those cats are fucked.  Plus, I now have a brand new idea for a t-shirt.

Click to order on zazzle right now.

I plan on selling one on ebay.  Described accurately.  Under the title “Actively Undermining the Marketplace.”  Because I have problems and I can’t help myself.

I apologize in advance, ebay.

Also, it’s Friday night and this is the highlight of my whole weekend.

I really need to get out more.

This time when moving into a new neighborhood I decided to do things differently.

Very differently.

Or, as Victor says, not really so differently at all.

I’ll keep you (and these) posted.

1.  The hundreds and hundreds of fantastic suggestions to the Rules For Life List.

2.  Finding the final Sookie Stackhouse book had been released and reading it in a single sitting.  STOP JUDGING.  THEY ARE AWESOME.

3. Finding out that my fucking amazing friend, Allie Brosh, is back from the dark side.  She’s one of the people in my life that truly gets what it’s like to be trapped in a full-on, completely-detached-from-reality depression and survive, plus she did it for about 87 years (in depression years) and that gives me such hope that even when it feels like my mind will never snap back…it always will.  Probably.   Now stop whatever you are doing and go read her blog.  But don’t crash her server.  So maybe go in alphabetical order, or by the age you lost your virginity.

RULES FOR LIFE

1. Don’t be shitty.

2. Don’t make happy people sad.

3. Don’t make sad people sadder.

4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.

5. Flush the toilet behind you.  You’re grossing us all out.

6. Support the under-dog.

7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand.  That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.

8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.

9. Be stupid.  Be childlike.  Be ridiculous.  Be happy.

10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

11. Read more.  Watch shows that inspire you.  Embrace whatever makes you geek out.  Even if it’s Laura Ingalls.  Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death.  Stop judging me.  

12. Bite off more than you can chew.  You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it.  Women do it all the time.

12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles.  If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do.  Unless it’s this list.  Then I guess just use your best judgement.

15. Become a pirate.  Or a monster truck.  Or a space toddler.  Or a jacket.  That’s my favorite one.  I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry.  You looked cold.  Zip me up.”  It’s awesome.

16. Do something nice for someone you love.

17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.

18. Do something nice for you.

19. Do ‘The Robot’.

20.  Add your own.  Go ahead.  You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.

Also, the shipping is $25 in the US (it’s crazy heavy because of the motor on the bottom) or free if you just want the dismembered head.  And if you win I’ll throw in a free, signed copy of my book.  Or I’ll leave it out if you think that lowers the value of the overall package.  It’s totally up to you.

PS. It’s way easier to read on the actual site.

My favorite part: “Have one to sell? Sell it yourself!”

Because who doesn’t have an extra, decapitated, soul-devouring, home-made, broken robot?

Stop being so demanding. You're a fucking door.

Some people will say it’s a nice idea because positive suggestions are almost always a good thing, but I think if you’re at the point when you’re looking to your door for advice then you probably need more help than just the generic “Be more awesome.”

That’s why I suggest writing these on your doorjamb instead:

It's a little creepy, but sweet. Mostly creepy though.

This one's good because it has lowered expectations, and also because if you do fuck something up you can just blame it on your door forcing you to do things and no one will argue with you because you sound too unbalanced to engage with.

The original just said "Don't set stuff on fire" but then I changed it because this way it appeals to arsonists too, and I think door advice should be more inclusive.

And my personal favorite:

Because...yeah.

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by I Just Want to Pee Alone*,  a collection of 37 essays from some of the funniest mom bloggers on the web. Each essay is the perfect length to read during a pee break, and if you leave the book in your bathroom you should finish it in approximately 37 pees. Hence, this book prevents urinary tract infections and possibly depression.  Your bladder will thank you.  This book makes a fabulous mother’s day gift.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

Random assignment for bored artists today: An illustration of a woman making out with a unicorn. #artforawesomeness

The responses were astounding and they helped me to find, lose and then find again my faith in humanity.  This is why twitter exists.  This is why we’re here.  Because there is such great joy in embracing the bewildering art of taking a joke way, way too far.  Thank you for taking that journey with me.

And in case you haven’t followed it on twitter, here are just a few of my very favorites.  (Click on the pics for links to the artist’s awesomeness.)

You guys are weird.

Never change.