Drunk algebra

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I'm an idiot, more than meets the eye, Random Crap, Stalking Amy Sedaris, Titles that will attract drunks.

So I said I’d write more Blogher stuff but I’m easily distracted and can’t fit in all of the wonderful people I met or missed or drunk-dialed and so instead I’m just going to skip to the part where I tell you the things I didn’t do.  Like how I totally didn’t force Evany to give me her autograph while I babbled about the time I gave a non-plussed Amy Sedaris a love letter with pictures I’d drawn of her holding my (now dead) cat.  And how I totally did not crawl over to a semi-conscious Amalah in Macy’s pantyhose section and start anxiously rambling away about the time I passed out on top of my cat at the vet’s office and woke up on the floor with my shirt ripped open and two paramedics and a bunch of dogs looking down at me because that?  Would be ridiculous.  Who would do that?!  Not me.  Also, I did not share a toilet seat with Mocha Momma or stick pregnant barbies in my boobs.   Singing Little Mermaid songs in the men’s bathroom and attempting to use the urinals?  No.  Stop it.  You’re embarrassing yourself. 

*cough*

In fact, one of the only things that I’ll admit to doing at Blogher was the community keynote address and the real, professional video has finally come out so I’m posting all the links here so you can hear them all.  Watch them.  It will remind you why you got into blogging in the first place:  Random sex with strangers.  The amazing power of a life story.

Eden and Sarah
Danielle
Megan (Haven’t seen her video pop up yet but here’s her post.)
Mr. Lady
Heather
Liz
SueBob
Stephanie and Zan and Casey
Doug and Polly
Lindsay and Yvonne
Schmutzie
Jen
Laurie
Antonia
Me
Evany and Deb on the Rocks
Angela

Also, I just want to clear up two things.  First of all, when I say I’m an “addict” in my keynote I’m referring to being addicted to blogging, not drugs.  I should have been more clear but I was a little high terrified.

Secondly, I’m going to make a t-shirt that says “I’m not as drunk as you think I am”.  Because I’m not. Mostly because I can’t afford that much booze.  Besides that, people think I’m drunk even when I’m dead sober because I’m filterless and stupid and fall a lot and so I basically have what I call “the three-drink handicap”.  Everyone else in the world after 3 cocktails = me just waking up.   Then I have one shot and I’m technically only slightly buzzed but with my three-drink-handicap I appear to others to be reaching the choke-to-death-on-my-own-vomit stage and bartenders stop serving me.  Which is probably why I started getting calls from people after blogher asking if I would come to an intervention if they threw one for me, to which I replied, “What will you be serving?”  In retrospect that might not have been the best answer but in my defense I was drunk.   Also, I’m not sure they said they would  “throw me” an intervention as much as they implied they would tie me to my bed until the D.T.’s passed but my way sounds nicer.  Mainly because it seems like something that would involve confetti and tiny napkins.  I’m not proving my point here very well but just take my word for it that I am less of a dangerous alcoholic and more of an entertaining cheap date who drinks lots during terrifying social situations and not much otherwise.   In fact, last week I only had one inch of alcohol (for charity!) and absolutely no crack at all so when you take into account my three-drink-handicap I’m actually in the negative and am now subtracting drinks I had at blogher.  

I’m no mathematologist but I’m pretty sure that’s how algebra works. 

Comment of the day: George Bush is sober. Need I say more. ~ Always home and uncool

123 thoughts on “Drunk algebra”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You never fail to crack me up!

    I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s stories from BlogHer. I would have SOOO have loved to have been there.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Vacation #2

  2. Jenny The Bloggess! Often we’re the last to know when we’re addicted, even when the wisdom of our unconscious forces us to admit it front of a thousand people. It only gets worse after the fucked up math stage. Seek help.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Guests/Wii/Burritos/Eggrolls

  4. I can vouch for this. I spent two hours in a bathroom trying to get her all fucked up so I could take wild, passionate advantage of her get her damn autograph already, and she shot me down every step of the way.

    Though I am pretty sure we made out a little at some point. And the next morning, my undies were in my purse. Just sayin’.

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..I Really Think I May Have Actually Left My Heart In San Francisco

  12. Three drink handicap? I should be so lucky. I’ve been known to say inappropriate things or become overly-affectionate after just one drink – or fishbowl – whatever. Dinner is gonna be legendary.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..self love

  14. I love it – they want you go to an intervention and you want to know what they’re serving! Its a damn fine question, if you ask me – what did they answer? Freakin sherbet and gingerale punch, no doubt.
    I knew it wasn’t really all that alcohol – I can only shudder, thinking of what I might do in the same place.

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Thought Process, aka Procrastination

  18. Pregnant barbies? I feel like I’ve missed something.

    And your three drink handicap? I seriously think you’re onto something – and I think I know some of your kind!

    Jay’s last blog post..Hypothetical

  19. Wow, I am so using your DRUNK ALGEBRA the next time I’m out! It’s so totally right on!!!!! With your theorty, since I hadn’t drank anything in about a month, me getting wasted on Beer Pong beer and puking my brains out, probably doesn’t count, right.

    Greis (Grace)’s last blog post..Like a Twinkie, but not…

  21. Can you believe that BlogHer is traveling to different cities but it isn’t coming to Houston??? What’s up with that? Can we have a petition signed to convince them to bring one to Houston? Do you think they would if they knew how many people would want them to come here? Hmmm….

    You just had too much fun!!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Can You See My Man Breasts Through This Shirt?

  22. Every time I read The Bloggess, I wake up the next morning and find my panties in my purse.

    Oh, shit. Did I say that out loud?

  24. Half of this story is correct. The other fourth of it is pure bullshit. Subtract the remaining 1/16th and you have a decent rendition of what happened during that week.

    Them’s some serious ass math skillz, muthafucka. Don’t hate.

    Mocha’s last blog post..Keep Going. It Helps.

  26. Firstly, Mr Lady does not wear undies. Nor panties for that matter… so discount her comment as the ramblings of the uber awesome.

    Anyway. I am like you. One drink and I am everybodies. Or is that everybodys or everybody’s? Now I am getting all punctuationally challenged here. What I am trying so eloquently to say is paracetamol makes me fall into a dribbling snoring coma, so today, on muscle relaxants (after doing some extreme sleeping) I am channelling my inner Jenny. And it is awesome. But I think I am gunna get kicked out of the playground when I pick up Boo…

    Kelley’s last blog post..I know who you are.

  27. Drunk or not, I thought your keynote was friggin’ hilarious. I have to say your voice sounded nothing like your blogging- does that make any sense whatsoever?? Fuck, maybe I’m drunk.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  28. Holy shit. I just watched the Mr. Lady video. She’s me. Except with a vagina.

  31. Excellent math. I’d love to buy you a drink, and if you invite me to your intervention, I promise to spike the lemonade.

  33. Who’s invited to your intervention? Will there be food? I don’t think I have anything to wear.

    I’m the kind of mom where I’d explain math to my 14 year old using your formula. Yeah, people think I’m a cool mom, but really I’m just totally screwed up. And drunk.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Huh?

  34. I’m EXACTLY the same. It’s always assumed that I’m extremely drunk if I have a drink in my hand. I’m punished for having a naturally sunny disposition (cough).

    Raz’s last blog post..Fish Food

  36. Two thoughts:

    a) This is the “NEW MATH” my parents used to talk about when they couldn’t help me with my homework, right?

    b) This mornin’ I decided you were the Kramer of blogging. When he started out, he was just a quirky neighbor; the longer Seinfeld was on the air, he found new cliffs to jump…and his hair got taller and taller.

    If that’s lost in translation, call me. Blogging-Kramers are much more interesting than mythical hobbits.

    Robin (pensieve)’s last blog post..Time: another four-letter word

  37. First, if I ever met Amy Sedaris I would probably lick her. Or pet her. Or make her braid my hair and whip up a jello mold with me.

    Second, I would totally host your intervention party, complete with cocktail napkins with naked dudes on them. And tiny foods. Parties with cocktail napkins require tiny foods. You can eat a lot of them, but they have to be tiny.

    Okay, bye.

    califmom’s last blog post..My BFF Is Blogging

  38. Dude – the algebra part of this post totally had me scared. The drinking part kept me here. Now I need a Bloody Mary before work, which technically shouldn’t count because I haven’t had one since Sunday, right?

    qt’s last blog post..Decisions, Decisions

  41. You know, I haven’t figured out my drink handicap, but I also can’t seem to stand when I’m sober. I’ve been known to be standing in the middle of the room, not near anything and yet, I’ll still fall over. And don’t get me started about running into things. It’s quite sad.

    And I LOVED your keynote post (I watched it online as I didn’t go to BlogHer- but I’ll be there next year! and who knows, I might start stalking you before BlogHer…)

    Perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Simply Sunday

  43. Well, I thought you were lovely, and the story about the boobs and the dogs is EXACTLY the sort of thing I bust out at fancy dinner parties all the time.

    Amalah’s last blog post..Nitwit

  45. Never mind the “I’m not as drunk as you think I am” shirt…that’s been done.

    Open a Cafepress shop and do:

    “I’m filterless and stupid”
    “3 drink handicap”
    “3 cocktails = me waking up”

    I’m tell you sweetie, you’ll make a killing!”

    You are so my hero!

    Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..In A Very Bad Place Today

  47. Hey – where’s my video??? You said I was your favorite! Now I’m sad. AND it’s my birthday.

    Kimberly’s last blog post..35

  48. and how do you think those Barbies got pregnant? that’s right Douchebag Ken, when you press his back he says, “c’mon Barbie, condoms kill the feeling for me”

    furiousball’s last blog post..coconut heads!!!

  51. Holy crap, I love you people. Even the ones who want to tie me to the bed. Actually, *especially* the ones who want to tie me to the bed.

    PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LOVELY KIMBERLY! But I didn’t think you’d want me to share *that* video with everyone. Oh wait…which video are we talking about?

  52. Drink handicap=brilliant! Back when I had friends (also known as before I became a mom), they frequently told me that me sober was like anyone else drunk. They said I was one of those people who was naturally high. Of course, those bastards were high at the time, so what do they know?

    JessicaC’s last blog post..Sleeping with Sock Monkeys…I’m Cheap!

  53. “I’m filterless and stupid and fall a lot”…This sounds like me. Will I see you on the Oprah Show one day as we are reunited after being separated at birth then learning you are actually my Siamese twin? I know for sure you would be the smarter twin! You Rock!

    Jenn’s last blog post..Missing Being A Kid

  57. blah blah blah, I love you…blah blah, you’re awesome…blah blah…do you ever get tired of all of the adoration..blah blah…where can I purchase a ‘knocked-up’ Barbie ?

  58. Yes, it’s very tedious. I long to be kicked in the face sometimes.

    PS. Where are you? Meet me in the hall in 5 minutes. Hang on. I’ll call you.

  62. Happy Birthday, Becky! Free taxes on the house for everyone!

    (PS. By “doing taxes” I mean that I just take the receipts people give me and burn them all in a very professional bonfire. So far it’s worked really well. For me.)

  63. Wow, pregnant barbie. If I had that when I was a kid, I would have put a (confidence) wig on her belly. Then she would have been conjoined twin barbie or something. Oh the laughs we could have shared.

  66. Dammit. You’re right. I was confusing “A Whole New World” with “Part of Your World”. Fucking Disney and their confusing monopoly on the word “World”.

  68. I didn’t get a chance to meet you at BlogHer, but I enjoyed your “persona” and took it for what it was. I hope you did enjoy yourself despite some fallout and I hope you don’t take those people seriously. You are hilarious as is your blog. If I go next year, I’ll be sure to screw up enough liquid courage to come say “Hi!”

    mandy’s last blog post..An Oops

  71. I get accused of being drunk when I’m not all of the time.

    It use to be offend me, but then I realized the people who were doing the accusing were uptight Baptist who don’t know how to have fun drunk or sober.

    Loved your keynote!

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..T-Minus 13 Days and Counting

  72. Yeah… I didn’t pass algebra either. Who needs numbers and equations and formulas when you can outwit? Right? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT.

  73. now i don’t have to post the video that I took at the keynote. because that would just seem stalkerish and uncomfortable.
    personally, i think that you have to add any caffeine into the mix. which of course, cancels things like alcohol out. and that joint you smoked in the boys bathroom stall.
    so really, you are more sober than when you went to blogher. waaay in the negative.
    watch that.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Before, and After

  75. Thank you for this awesome linkage! I was so sad not to be able to go to BlogHer and meet you, among others. I can’t wait to go to the links and see the speeches. Thank you so much you crazy ass woman you.

    I think you need one that says ‘3 drink maximum’ on the front and ‘or we’ll all be sorry’ on the back “-)

    rachel’s last blog post..Of Flying Dragons and Stinky Chips

  76. That is some fancy number crunching.

    I can attest to the fact that you didn’t exclusively drink alcohol at BlogHer. When I had lunch with you the drinks were G rated.

  79. You’re amazing! Thanks for inspiring me to not hate blogs and to try my own…if only I was as awesome as you are then maybe people would actually read it.

  81. I understood the “addict” comment to be “addicted to blogging,” and I loved you keynote contribution. What about a surprise intervention, with one of those balloon nets that drops them from the ceiling when you walk in?

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Just like any other Saturday

  82. I never thought you were a drunk, I thought you were hooked on Xanax. I’ll split one with you.

  84. There is finally an explanation for my bad behavior. The next time I act up – I will simply send all questions and complaints your way – so they can have this flawless example of the mathematical problem at hand.

    Kateanon’s last blog post..bruises

  85. i LOVE drinking for charity. it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “selfless giving.” even better than drinking FOR charity is drinking WITH charity. those homeless people sure know how to party.

    shauna’s last blog post..the dentist and the dumb ass

  86. Okay, so I dutifully visited all the links above, but when I clicked the “pregnant barbies in my boobs” link and saw the photo, I thought at first that Barbie was a unidexter* which would make her not just Pregnant Barbie, but the much more collectible Pregnant Amputee Barbie. Upon further review, I realized my mistake – the other leg was there after all, straddling the neckline of your dress/blouse/shirt/whatever-it-is in order to obtain cleavage leverage.

    However, there is an upside to my initial error. It has inspired a title for yet another book I won’t actually write due to time constraints and lack of sustainable interest: The Leg Not There.

    Thank you Jenny and Pregnant Barbie. I’ll be sure to send you each a signed copy of my unwritten book when it’s not released.

    *This reference comes from an old comedy sketch by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. If you knew that already, I know how old you are. AARP, here we come.

  91. If algebra was based on drinking, I’d have blown mathematicians (or are they algebraticians?) out of the fricking WATER with mah skillz.

    Instead of making a 48 for the semester.

    FORTY. EIGHT.

    But I’m really good at biology and english. So…yeah.

  93. You are lucky…I too grew up in Texas. Only our football coaches would all go to happy hour at Hooters and they assigned the captain of the football team to teach us math.

    Ah the memories…I think we spent more time under the bleachers smoking pot than in the text book.

    Now I have responsibilities and things like that…not fun…

    Jeremy Martin’s last blog post..Inscrutable happenings…

  96. I so adore the concept of the three drunk handicap. Except I think mine’s like a meth handicap. Two lines and I’m all Twitter/603 windows open/where the hell is my laundry/oh my god untie that baby right now/where is my espresso?

    Oh. Right. It’s not meth, it’s espresso. Whatever. Potato/potato. I like you. Drunk or sober, you kick ass. Will there be crab puffs at the intervention?

  101. Now THAT’s my kind of math.

    And I am Asian

    (glad I found you “again” through all the Blogher recaps. You are a funny, funny lady)

  104. Personally, my drinking equation (yes I have one, which may or may not explain a lot about my life) is to just drink until I feel pretty. Let’s see… going to dinner with hubby? Two will usually do it. Going to visit Mom? Three or four. Water park with my skinny bitch friends who’ve had a million kids and still have no fucking stretch marks? Bottle of vodka, slap on some lipstick, and I am FABULOUS! Now that, my friends, is how I became a MATHEMAGICIAN! Ta Daaaaa!! And abracadabra that, mother fucker!

  105. You, Miss Jenny, have inspired me to do more drunk activities. I drunk texted my boss all weekend. He drunk texted me. Then come Monday here’s an actual drunk text I actually sent my boss: “Mental note: before sending 84 text messages offering to blow the boss, check that calling plan includes unlimited texting.”

    I don’t think I’m going to get fired, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell. Join me?

  107. That’s funny, Deb. When I clicked on the pregnant Barbie link, I was distracted by Jenny’s PERFECT boobs. But maybe that’s just me.

  108. I found you through AmyInOhio and AMomTwoBoys and I just think you are a hoot (don’t judge me for using the word “hoot.” I grew up in the midwest in the smallest town imaginable. I can’t controll it. It just comes out…..

    Anywho. You are a riot. I love it.

  109. The links to the videos I tried didn’t work but I’ll keep trying because I want to see the wonderfulness that I missed by not being there.

    I think your math makes perfect sense to me. But then, I pretty much suck at all things mathematical.

    Maura’s last blog post..Topicless Tuesday

  110. That’s so weird, Maura. I just checked and they all work. You might be behind a firewall that block them though. I suggest breaking into your neighbors house while they’re sleeping so you can use their computer. Unless I’m your neighbor. Then you should knock first because for some reason my husband just bought a cannon (I am not fucking kidding) and really wants to use it so truly no one should ever come in our house again.

  112. Oh Jenny,

    I so wish I would have met you @BlogHer!

    I keep saying to myself – “You have to go to work. Stop reading The Bloggess, Stop reading The Bloggess. You have to get the girls up, Stop reading The Bloggess, Stop reading The Bloggess”.

    IT”S NOT WORKING!

    I totally love you.

    XOXOXOXOXO

    Mindi’s last blog post..A Big Shout Out to My Daddy!

  114. I’m not a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but if I were, I would totally like to take you out and not get you drunk. You’re my idol! I hope to be as hilariously inappropriate as you some day!

  120. If you make a t-shirt that says “I’m not as drunk as you think I am” I will buy two, one for work and another for church.

  121. I’m with Lisa, I’ll buy a few. But, my love affair with the beer is well-documented, both on my blog and court dockets, so I don’t know that anyone will buy that.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Bedroom Invasion

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