UPDATED: This is a whole post explaining why this post is not funny at all

in bizarre, NOT dismembered baby feet, stuff better left unpublished, terrible titles, The baby is fine

Remember last year when I wrote that post about mistaking a photo of premature baby feet for delicious raspberry gummi bears and people saw the photo and thought I’d posted a picture of dismembered baby feet and so I had to go back and clarify that the baby was totally fine and I was all “Seriously guys, no matter how dark my sense of humor is I can assure you that I will never post fucked-up shit like dismembered baby feet to make you laugh because that’s fucking insane” and then I had to actually add a tag to my blog called “NOT dismembered baby feet” which is pretty much the most embarrassing disclaimer to ever have to make about your writing.

Well today I almost posted a photo of this monster that washed up on the beach in New York and I had some devastating funny moderately amusing quips about it being another tiny sasquatch or possible an R.O.U.S but before I finished my post some experts started saying that it’s probably a drowned dog and so I’m dusting off the “No Dismembered Baby Feet Or Other Fucked-Up Shit Clause” here so I can save you the emotional turmoil of having to stare in awe at a totally cool monster which we may later find out is a totally decomposing dog.  Unless you want to stare at it, in which case it’s right here, you sick, wonderful freaks.

And speaking of things which are supposed to be funny but fail miserably, did you read that the University of Wolverhampton (this is a real place) recently published an article about the oldest recorded joke in the world?  It was told by the Sumerians in 1900 BC and goes like this:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Um.  What? 

I don’t even understand the sentence structure.  Something that never happened is that a young woman never farted?  Isn’t that a double negative?  Wouldn’t one negative cancel out the other?  Then the joke would be “Something that did happen: Some chick farted on her husband’s lap.”

Which actually?  Is kinda funny.  I actually giggled when I typed that. 

Touché, Sumerians.  4000 years later and it’s still fresh.

 

PS.  I told my coworker that scientists had discovered the world’s oldest joke and he told me not to tell him the punchline and ruin it for him.  I was all “It’s fucking four THOUSAND years old, DJ.  I don’t think it qualifies for a spoiler alert warning.”  Then he put his fingers in his ears and yelled “Lalalalala!” and ran away before I could tell him the joke, which, in all fairness, I probably would have fucked up anyway.

Update:  Additional pictures of the dog monster have turned up which help to explain absolutely nothing and might make you throw up a lot.

Comment of the day: If it starts out “A Phonecian walked into a bar…” I’ve heard it. ~ Apathy Lounge

140 thoughts on “UPDATED: This is a whole post explaining why this post is not funny at all”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Using the principle of Occam’s Razor (All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best) it’s fairly certain that it’s some sort of griffin.

  4. There’s no way in hell that’s a dog. It doesn’t look like a dog. It looks like some hybrid, creepy thang (Texas speak) y’know.
    It’s like Griffin, meets turtle, meets dinosaur thingy. But Griffin certainly fits. WEIRD.
    You know I so jumped right to that link.

    I wasn’t blogging last year, so I have no clue what you’re talking about. But believe that I’ll be going to read it.

    rachel’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Monkey Style

  6. I didn’t look at the maybe-monster-dog thing. I believe I chose wisely.

    I don’t get the joke. My kids fart on my lap all the time and it’s hardly ever funny.

    Carolyn…Online’s last blog post..Guest Post #4

  9. You rock my world in ways I cannot comprehend and that leave me feeling slightly confused and violated.

    This post is the epitome of why I read your blog on a regular basis. Thanks for bringing so much laughter to my normally mundane life!

    Mandy’s last blog post..Topic Trouble

  10. Oh no, Headless Mom you really have to see it. Seriously. Of course, I am one of the aforementioned freaks, so, maybe you shouldn’t listen to me.

    I was all ready to vote ROUS but then someone mentioned beak and now I’m forced, FORCED to go look again.

    And the joke? Is that like a satirical commentary on feminity? Did I just totally fck that up by injecting seriousness in? I did didn’t I? Damnit, I AM a dork!

    Maggie’s last blog post..Glimpses

  11. Oh, it’s so obvious. It’s a Sumerian wife farting on her husband’s lap. Geez, people, look at its ass.

  12. Dude, that’s the sickest thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously. And “sick” in a vomiting-my-last-seven-meals kind of way, not a “phat,” “bad-ass,” or “mad cool” kind of way. But I found an image that makes a very good case that it’s a raccoon. Puts my mind at ease.

  13. The washed up “dog” is probably a Photoshop project made by some 8th grader during study hall. That kids is totally laughing at those scientists right now.

    Diane’s last blog post..Some days

  17. 1) The picture- Nope. Not a dog. No way, no how. Uh uh.

    2) The joke… I had to read it like 3 times before I finally got it. It’s amazing that even 4,000 years ago farts were funny. I might be over sharing but, well, farts ARE funny.

    Jen W’s last blog post..There’s a party over there

  19. As I said on Twitter last night, someone found Madonna’s SOUL.

    Because it’s got too much girth to be a dead Amy Winehouse even though it’s ugly and dirty enough. (Oh it’s funny – she isn’t dead – yet, anyway)

    I have no disclaimer for my comments, FYI.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Breaking Dawn

  20. We call the Montauk Monster “Mo” around here, and sometimes Corothers.

    I’m totally going to tell everyone I know that joke. And I’ll do that thing where while I’m telling it, I’m laughing so hard just thinking about it and everyone will be expecting hilarity and then WHAM! Mass confusion. Maybe I’ll throw in a fart.

  27. I’m skipping the dog/griffin picture. Sounds horrid and it’s been a long day. But, the oldest fart joke in the world was awesome.

    anymommy’s last blog post..Just One Year

  33. i have been following this monster-dog-turtle-raccoon since day one. i can NOT get enough of it. so dudes? the piece of fabric tied around the forearm (paw/claw)??? i’m thinking some ancient Kabbalah shit, no?

    ms picket to you’s last blog post..More Wikkid Smaht Kids

  34. Isn’t that a still capture from the Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) sex tape?

  40. The dog/turtle/griffin/raccoon thing has a rag around its wrist; was this a gang shooting? The real questions should be, what color was that rag originally. That we tell those investigators all they need to know.
    People really farted 4000 years ago? I guess I never thought about that, I wonder if they said “excuse me” or “I let a little stinker go” or something of the like. Oh to be a fly on the mud wall. A fly that could live forever and read and write that is.

  45. So basically all young women 4,000 years ago farted in their husband’s’ lap? Bwuahahaha! *tear* Ahhhh marriage…

  46. So, actually what happens when those negatives collide is the creation of a Universal Quantifier: not “some chick farted in her husband’s lap”, but “all chicks fart in their husband’s lap”.

    Which shouldn’t be read as “all chicks fart in the same guy’s lap”, but “for every chick, there is a guy in whose lap she farts”.

    Ha ha. Ha?

    See, that’s why you shouldn’t explain jokes. They just aren’t funny once the Universal Quantifier gets involved.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Getting to Know Your Local Redneck

  48. What the hell IS that thing? Some kind of cross between a dog and ??? The fact there’s an animal testing lab nearby is extra creepy – it’s like an episode from X-Files or something, but no beefcake to make it more palatable.
    Sigh…Ah Dave, how I miss you!

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..The Writing’s On The Wall

  49. And I thought my nightmares were going to be about the scorpion I just killed. (Note to self: Read The Bloggess in the morning.)

    Now I have to go look up what the fuck a griffin is.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..Inkblot

  51. Okay, I was going to try and post something witty but the comment from apathy lounge made me laugh too hard and now I can’t challenge it:

    “If it starts out “A Phonecian walked into a bar…” I’ve heard it.”

    I’m voting for the R.O.U.S’s though. That thing is creepy and probably related to my boss.

  54. Oh holy mother of sam, I may not sleep tonight with that luscious visual in my head.

    Also may not want to know what horrible pain the gassy chick had to sustain to NOT fart in old hubby’s lap.

    May not want a lot of things you have thrown at me today, DAMN Google reader.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..All About Sleeping With Pete

  56. I’m just taking a random guess, but I suppose that most people who read this entry clicked on the link to see the monster/dog/whatever.

    I think saying “don’t” and adding a link is reverse psychology at its best.

    Raz’s last blog post..So Long, Farewell

  58. That creature is the most whacked thing I’ve seen in a long, well, maybe ever.
    I think you could have made an ROUS reference without people thinking you thinking a drowned dog is funny.

    People need to chill the fuck out.

    Sunshine’s last blog post..Lake Michigan – Unsalted!

  61. I just spit out my mouthful of oatmeal when i looked at that picture. I was bracing myself for an emotionally devastating picture of someone’s dead puppy, and instead I opened the window and WTF??? IN WHAT WAY does that AT ALL resemble a dog?! It has a BEAK! I’m so horrified.

    Kimmers’s last blog post..Sweet, blissful sleep…

  62. He’s not dead…..he’s pinin’ for the fjords. I watched your video from blogher…….you a fucking hilarious! Peace, Mike.

  63. I can’t tell if that joke is funny or not, and I’m really unclear on the concept of how anyone figured out that husband’s lap farting was a popular joke meme thousands of years ago… But what I do know is that next time I fart on someone’s lap I can tell them not to fret about it, it’s been happening since time began.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Good Blogkeeping

  66. My blog has just been flagged as potential spam, so I may need the disclaimer that I’m not “irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical”. (Although, maybe I am.) I’m pretty sure your disclaimer about baby feet is way less embarrassing.

    Despite any disclaimers you may have (or maybe because of them), you’re my favorite blog, even better than Dooce. Because you’re twisted in a way that I really admire. And this post proves it.

    Wendy’s last blog post..My New Machine

  69. Okay, first? That thing is gross.

    Second, I am a [sort of] young [though not by Sumerian standards, I’m sure] woman and I’d like to point out that I do not lead our household in fart production. That honor goes to someone else. Someone with a Y chromosome.

    Sexist, ignorant Sumerians. They should have read more Feministing and Broadsheet. Pssh.

    ali’s last blog post..The Serenity Prayer

  71. The funniest part about farting is not the actual fart but the reaction and look of mortification that is plastered all over the person’s face.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..My Girls

  74. I don’t fart in my husband’s lap because, truthfully, it would please him too much. He’s constantly slightly hiking his leg, pointing his index finger as though its a gun and then letting one rip. My sons giggle in utter delight. In fact, they’ve now embraced their genetic love of all ass noises so much that we have to rewind the part of the Garfield movie were he lets a poot like 10 times before they agree to let the movie continue.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Taking Hurricane Haven Inside the Salty Dog Saloon

  77. R.O.U.S’s that is a f-ing riot! I so want you as a BFF. You know though…put some fur on that loch ness monster looking thing and you would have a R.O.U.S. Now excuse me while I go look for that six fingered man.

    Jenn’s last blog post..Sticking My Tongue Out To The World

  79. Dude. I saw that picture yesterday because my husband is into all that “conspiracy” stuff. They’re saying it’s a raccoon now too… all I’m saying is, if it’s a dead dog or other animal, let it be – the poor thing’s obviously already been through enough already… below is the link el husbando sent to me if you care to read the story:

    http://forgetomori.com/2008/criptozoology/the-montauk-monster/

    Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s last blog post..Back in Action!

  80. Ewww, that thing was gross!

    And I did read that story about the joke. I think I linked to it from msn.com. That’s funny…. not the joke… but that there is a joke that frickin’ old.

    Bekah’s last blog post..Spiedie Fest is here!!!

  83. R.O.U.S. is EXACTLY what that thing looks like that, and I wish I’d thought of it. All I could think of when I saw it on the news was “prehistoric creature” or “fake a la Roswell.” You’re much more creative than me.

    P.S. Props to you & this on my post today.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Animal Truths: Far Stranger than Fiction

  88. A cursory read of your posts might lead readers to presume that you tend toward random musings prompted by wayward firing of unrelated synapses. However, after mulling over the content of this most recent post, I think I have found the Rosetta Stone* that ties all of your posts together (I mean, in addition to the gut-bustingly funny writing): zombies. (Surely no one is surprised by my discovery.)

    This is sort of like one of those “six degrees of separation” things, except instead of Kevin Bacon, everything Bloggess ties back to zombies.

    Let’s start with the Montauk monster. Did you notice the creature’s right…um…hand? It’s giving us the finger. That’s because the creature isn’t really dead. Well, it is dead, but in an undead sorta way. (The brain…you have to shoot it in the brain! Why do people not know this?)

    Now, let’s look at the Sumerians. Yeah, they’re noted for development of an early form of writing (Cuneiform) and may have invented the wheel (a circular device worshipped by Pat Sajak), but get this: they believed the afterlife involved a descent into a gloomy netherworld (ie: George Bush’s America) to spend eternity (ie: a Very Long Time) in a wretched existence (ie: rotting flesh, exposed skeletal features and spotty Internet access) as a “gidim,” a ghost-like being who was liable to persecute (ie: eat) those still in the land of the living.

    Sumerians were the first zombies.

    Just for fun, go back and read that joke again, this time picturing zombie Sumerians instead of regular Sumerians doing the telling. Is there anything funnier than a Sumerian zombie wife farting on her Sumerian zombie husband’s lap?

    I don’t think so.

    *No, you’re thinking of Rosa Parks. The Rosetta Stone was an actual stone tablet that gave linguists the key to solving hieroglyphic writing. Rosa Parks, on the other hand, was an African American civil rights activist.

    [Yes, Jenny, I know my comments are always excruciatingly long. Feel free to edit this one if I’m sucking up too much bandwidth. Something along the order of “Run for your life! That dead dog is a fucking Sumerian zombie!” should suffice. Thanks.]

  89. That thing is nasty and appears to have been alive the same time as that joke was being told. Are you sure the picture was real and not doctored?

  90. I think I’m the only one who feels sorry for the Montauk Monster! I bet (s)he ran (crawled? sidled? flew?) for his/her life from the torture (s)he endured on nearby Plum Island only to hit the water and discover that (s)he couldn’t swim. Poor bastard (bitch). I wonder if we’ll ever find out what it is.

    For the record, I would give an eye tooth for some raspberry gummi bears. Does such a thing exist?

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Crisis Averted! How I Narrowly Avoided a Humiliating Demise on Sunday Afternoon

  92. I didn’t go through all the replies but that Amazon tribe pic was found to be a hoax.

    And what was funnier than the oldest joke was the oldest British joke:

    “The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century, and uses the traditional question and answer format to suggestively poke fun at Anglo-Saxon men.

    “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key.”

    groovehouse’s last blog post..Skate Houston

  94. that can’t be approved by NYC’s health inspectors, can it? Then again, it does look kinda Gotham-like.
    ewwwwa

  95. Okay, yep totally a dog, still sticking with the fact that this is gang related. BTW -that site, fucking awesome…I couldn’t stop clicking…

  96. To truly understand the beauty of this joke we need to erase 4,000 years of comedy evolution. In simpler times, a multiple negative ITSELF was probably shoot-ambrosia-out-your-nose funny.

    “Hey, guess what! you are not not not a fat slob!”

    “(thinking… thinking) OH! HAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG you are SO funny!”

    BusyDad’s last blog post..That Blogger Convention… No Not THAT One!

  99. I posted earlier, and now I’m posting again, because in the previously posted picture of the heinous dog/griffin/zombie nastiness, I did not have a heinous dog/griffin/zombie nastiness PENIS STARING AT ME….

    Mandy’s last blog post..Ranks Right Up There

  100. I was hoping you would post the photo of the monster! (give me a break, that is NOT a dog!! Nor is it an otter) I saw it and was like “what the fuck!” but then I was like “awesome!!” I’m a weirdo, I know.

    If you think you are bad at telling jokes, look at it this way: those dum ass translators messed up the sentence structure (you are not supposed to translate stuff literally, like, EVER!) so they are the ones who messed up the joke.

    I know, because I’m a translator. Although I’ve never translated from Sumerian, to be completely honest.

    Elisa’s last blog post..Here’s some cool stuff for you. Wanna buy me something pretty?

  102. What in the crap is R.O.U.S? I googled it, and I found Robots of Unusual Strength, but for some reason I don’t think that’s it.

    What in the crap is that picture? Why in the crap is it flipping me off? And why in the crap can’t I click on the second link?

    I think it’s all a conspiracy. Including that “joke.”

    Crap.

    tela’s last blog post..Friday Finds – August 1, 2008

  111. I don’t know what to comment since there are like a million comments aleady, but I’m so entertained by you that it would suck for me not to say something. So there.

    Stefanie’s last blog post..Sadie Update

  114. Now if some child did not fart on her mother’s lap during storytime and fully giggle about it, THAT woudl be something… Anyone? Oh, just me? Never mind, then.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Sweat

  116. If I do it right you should always feel like you need a shower after my posts. I’m helping the world get cleaner, one dead dog photo at a time.

    PS. I will never plurk. What’s plurk?

  118. I just had to look. Unfortunately I went to state fair today and cotton candy, funnel cake, and deep fried cheese curds are seriously rioting in my stomach right now.

    New Duck’s last blog post..Dinner

  123. My hubby thinks it’s a pig. Of course, sometimes I think he’s a pig so that evens out right? The monster explanation is much cooler.

    tela: The R.O.U.S thing is from The Princess Bride. Love that movie!

  128. What really makes that joke funny is that “lap” is Sumerian for “nose” (the Sumerians had a different understanding of anatomy than we do.)

    Just kidding, of course.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Gaining a new perspective

  129. Seriously though.. the Montauk Monster is fu(king scary.

    And to think I was in Montauk the weekend before. I would have screamed all the way back to Manhattan if I was the one who found it. Uh uh, no sir, no way, no how.

    veep veep’s last blog post..G is for Grandma

  132. You are a master criminal and I want to be in your fiendish cabal . You DO have a cabal don’t you? The fiendish kind? No? Well, if you’ll just allow me to cut & paste your blog directly into my blog, we’re square and we won’t have to have that knife fight after all.

    😉

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Fear Is The Mindkiller*

  133. okay, but if i found this whole thing to be hysterical, what does that say about me? oh, and can we please make this all about me?,kn

    liv’s last blog post..oh, my…

  134. My whole life is judged in total number of unfunny moments. Much like how my dog keeps track of the passing days by the number of beatings she receives.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Saint September

  135. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom

  140. I am super late to the party but found this when looking up stuff on that joke. I’d like to extend an extra tidbit – ‘lap’ sometimes was a euphemism for genitals in Assyrian contexts, and thus I theorize the joke is not just a regular fart joke, but in fact a queef joke.

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