What I got for Christmas

in I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, mixing medications, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

With a title like “What I got for Christmas” you’re probably thinking it’s going to be something about how I got inner peace or Jesus’ kiss or something, but no.  This is a list of shit I got for Christmas because people keep asking me and I’m tired of having to go into the details when they’re all, “Uh…what?”. 

1.  My cat’s ovaries.  Technically it’s not really a gift but it cost so much to have her fixed Victor and I couldn’t afford presents for each other so I’m counting it.  I had it done early to avoid the Christmas rush but it turns out that there isn’t really a “rush” on neutering your cat.  What was awesome though is that we also got her de-clawed and so we had to buy this weird pellet kitty litter made from newspaper so she wouldn’t get an infection and Victor’s mom came to house sit while we were out of town and when we got back the cats were all “What the fuck, man?!” because she’d mistakenly filled up their food bowl with the litter pellets and apparently thought they just weren’t eating because they missed us.  I documented it all in 12 consecutive twitter posts.  The neutering.  Not the litter thing.  I’d rewrite it here but I’m lazy and also my finger is about to explode from what the doctor thinks is probably arthritis or lupus but what I’m pretty sure is some sort of cancer piñata.  And then when I told Victor that the doctor thinks it could be lupus he was all “Should I get some silver bullets?” because he’s an asshole.  Now I’ve forgotten where I was.  Oh yeah…the 12 twitters about my cats’ ovaries:

1.  When you ask for your cat’s ovaries in a jar to prove she was actually fixed the vet gets all kinds of offended.

2.  But they shouldn’t because it’s just like air filters.

3.  Like when your mechanic changes the air filter you’re supposed to ask for the old one so you know they changed it.

4.  I tried to explain that the vet but obviously he *wants* his mechanic to rip him off.

5.  In related news, my cat is a fucking mess.

6.  I bet she’d feel better if I could explain what happened to her using her ovaries as a visual aid but I can’t because her vet is a dick.

7. I tried to act it out using two grapes but she just got scared and hid under the bed. I think the background music I chose was too much.

8.  It was “Ride of the Valkyries”. She hates Wagner

9.  Fuck. It was just pointed out to me that Wagner was a possible nazi and my mangled cat is possibly Jewish

10.  When I get home tonight I’ll act her surgery out again using that song they always play when Darth Vadar walks into a room.

 11.  “Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun. Dun-Dun. Dun-Dun-DUUUUN!” That one.

12.  I’ve eaten all of the grapes I was using for ovaries though so I’ll have to use the marbles from Hailey’s Hungry Hungry Hippos game instead.

I should add that you are not supposed to twitter 12 things in a row on twitter.  It’s a rule.  If you have that much to say you should put it on a blog.  Which I just did.  But now I’m so confused I don’t even know what I was writing about.  Did I mention I’m on drugs?  Not ones my doctor gave me because she didn’t want to prescribe anything until we have a diagnosis   she wants me to suffer  she realizes I would probably sell them for street value.  But I’m making up for it in xanax.  Which doesn’t lead me at all to the second thing I got for Christmas:

2.  A large envelope from Random House, which I initially thought was an offer on my book and my ticket to writing full-time but then Victor reminded me I hadn’t actually submitted my book yet or even finished writing it at all.  Because he’s an asshole.  Instead it was an advance copy of my friend Katherine Center’s new book “Everyone is Beautiful” which was so awesome that I locked myself in my car in the parking garage to read it without interruption and the characters jumped off the page although the security guard implied that might have been from the fumes filling up the garage and then he got all yelly about the carbon monoxide from my car because apparently it’s my fault that their lack of ventilation was poisoning people.

3.  A sci-fi sex book and a tiny box with a voo-doo zombie princess and a picture of a diseased foot on it from Lotta.  This is already my favorite Christmas gift so far and I haven’t even opened the box yet.

4.  A free session to get fitted for a bra.  Honestly, I could not even make this up.  Not a bra.  A free session.  That’s free to anyone who wants it.  My husband booked a free session for me to strip half naked and get molested by a disinterested clerk.  Because he’s an asshole.  And when I was all “Uh…oh” he was like “You know…for your boobs.”  And I realize that it was meant with all kinds of love but it doesn’t change the fact for Christmas I’m going to have some stranger groping me.  To see what size I am.  While I’m naked.  

5.  I got to write this.  Because even though he gave me what might be the worst Christmas gift in the entire world he also lets me vent on my blog about anything I want and even makes sure that every year I have enough money to go to BlogHer even though he knows that a week later I’ll be a wreck and there will embarrassing drunk pictures of me floating all over the internet for years to come.  Because actually he’s not really an asshole at all when it counts. 

PS.  Speaking of Blogher, they are lowering their advertising payouts, which weren’t  exactly extravagent to begin with and so I’m looking at other options.  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Bids?  Because I can write AMAZING ads.  Like this:

Have you tried Chipotle lately?  Because if you haven’t you are an asshole.  It’s like Subway except instead of lettuce they have guacamole.  And they have lettuce too!  Plus I know this guy that wrapped himself up in tinfoil and when he got up to the line to pay for his burrito he was all “I AM A BURRITO!” and they gave him the burrito for free.  Also their beans cure polio.

See?  Kick-ass.

PPS.  I’m considering a site redesign to help lure in a sponsor.  Here’s a sneak peak: http://bacolicio.us/http://thebloggess.com

PPPS.  Chipotle, you owe me sixty thousand dollars.

Comment of the day: We only give out free food to people who bring in their cat’s ovaries. Sorry. ~ Chipotle

101 thoughts on “What I got for Christmas”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. About BlogHer Ads? I concur. I’m going to direct advertising (ie, sell your shit in my sidebar) January 1st. About the rest? Yes. Let the lady fondle your boobs; in my experience, they look but don’t touch, although Victor might have palmed her a little her something extra.

    Anna’s last blog post..merry and bright…

  11. When I got my cat declawed, the vet suckered me into the whole “recycled paper litter” thing and my cat hated it so much that he pooped on the floor next to the litterbox. Years later, he still forgets the location of the litterbox but now he poops in the bathtub. Do you think it would be weird for me to put his litterbox in the bathtub? I mean when I’m not like taking a bath because it would be totally gross to bathe in cat poop.

    Karen’s last blog post..It’s gonna be a great weekend!

  13. A free, disinterested grope? No, I’ll have to up the offer. I’ll give you an enthusiastic grope and I’ll throw in a free clip-on book light and $15.72 in cash.*

    *Transportation not included. All applicable taxes are the responsibility of the recipient.

  20. We got a thing that boosts our cell phone reception in our house. From my mother-in-law. So we have to think of a new excuse for not answering the phone when she calls. Maybe we’ll just tell her we’re having sex. All. The. Time. Think that would work?

  22. I am SO with you on getting proof of being fixed. My dog has this weird odor coming from her that we’re convinced is “leakage” from not being fixed. I did do some research and she may have vaginitis–I wonder if I’m going to have to spread monistat on her…I don’t know if I love her that much. Too much information? I can’t wait to have kids to spill all of their embarrassing stuff on the internet!

    gingela5’s last blog post..Danger Will Robinson, Danger…

  25. When I had my dog neutered I asked for – and received – his testicles. In a jar of formalin. I thought I’d keep them so if someday I had a daughter, I could just put the jar on the coffee table when her boyfriend came over. But I had boys so I threw the nuts away. Didn’t want to make the boys wonder about my past.

    Jodi’s last blog post..The Cabin…Epilogue

  26. One question. Where the fuck have you been all my life?????
    *cyber high-five, misses and falls onto floor*

  30. I also just Googled ‘cat ovary images’. Then I decided to skip the rest of your comments because if I don’t, I’ll never get around to posting my comment and I do that waaay too often.

    I love to drop by here every week or two. That way I’m laughing uncontrollably (my eleven year old daughter walks toward me, “Can I see?” I stop her dead in her tracks by yelling “NO!”) by the time I’ve caught up and this is the only place that can make me do that. This is the best Christmas gift of all. Said in Tiny Tim’s voice… which is creepy coming out of a thirty-five year old womans face…

    Beth’s last blog post..And now, the exciting conclusion – with pictures!

  32. I asked my doctor if I could have my appendix and he looked at me all weird like I was the first person to ever ask. Yeah right. When I asked him if I could have my fecalith, he just raised an eyebrow and wrote something on my chart. Yeah, go ahead, google fecaltih, I dare you.

    PearlWisdom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Nature or Nurture?

  35. Just print off this post and send it to Random House. They’ll be on their knees begging your genius ass to come write a book for them.

    Also. I started selling direct ads too. 3 ads made me more than one year of BlogHer ads. Which may say more about my traffic then their payouts. But I’m going to pretend that it’s them and not me.

    Merry Christmas!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Free Shipping Till 2009

  36. I have to say this post wasn’t nearly long enough. It ended WAY too soon! (in your face Victor! 😉 )
    Merry Christmas Bloggess! I got proposed to! It was an awesome Christmas. And soon I can scandalize my husband the way you scandalize yours! CHEERS!

    Ariel’s last blog post..Christmas Recap

  37. You are redefining the Tweet. Seriously. You take Twitter to a new level.
    And PS thanks for posting about my book! xoxo!
    And PPS I had my tonsils out not that long ago and I still find myself thinking about them from time to time and wondering where they are now.

  38. OH GOD,
    You need to change the de**lawed thing before things get totally crazy in your comments. The people I’m thinking will be joining you are insane and without humor. Of course it might make me laugh when people start responding to them. OK, nevermind.

  39. Ok, on the arthritis/lupus mystery – if you have either, I can totally give you the low down. I have RA, my best friend has it as well and so many other kick ass, young women I know. We know all kinds of shit.

    On Blogher, I really wanted to join their ad network because I totally admire them and want to go to my first ever Blog Her conference next year, but the whole cap on product reviews blows so I didn’t go with them. Can’t wait to read everyone’s alternatives.

    Sandra’s last blog post..Merry Christmas

  41. If you couldn’t take her ovaries home in a jar, I’m not sure that counts as one of your gifts. Unless you donated them to charity and are counting it as a gift like when people adopt families instead of buying presents for themselves. So maybe the vet just donated your cat’s ovaries to a needy, infertile cat.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Frustrations and what not

  42. Maybe you should have gotten the burrito guy to talk to your cat about her operation. He probably only dressed up as a burrito because he felt bashful about wearing his cat uterus costume out in public, so you’d no doubt actually be doing him a favor.

  43. I thought that only boy cats are neutered, girl cats are spayed (Unless your cat is a hermaphrodite, which would change the meaning of the entire post). I love that your mother in law tried to feed them cat litter. That newspaper litter looks like rabbit food, so I can see where the mistake came in…but to someone new to your blog, it would seem that you had a gaggle of potty-mouthed hermaphrodite bunnicats.

    For Christmas I got a 2000 year old coin from Judea and a Crock Pot, but only because I didn’t put cat’s ovaries, scifi sex books and department store gropage on my list. There’s always next year….

  46. Hmmm … I got a garbage disposal one year — one called the Bone Cruncher and two out of three people living in my house at the time were vegetarians. It’s true that I’d mentioned I needed a new disposal, but still.

    Cathy’s last blog post..New Year Countdown

  48. Well, the good news is that there’s no one trying to sell cat ovaries on ebay. It doesn’t even look like cat ovaries are used for any nefarious purposes. The only thing I could find at all was a news item where they talked about cat ovaries being used by Neuter Scooter (yes, seriously) to help endangered species of cats.

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

  50. My xmas present to you is this: don’t hold your breath for a diagnosis. I have been going through similar phisical issues (random swellings, skin symptoms, fatigue)for four years without a firm diagnosis. At one visit I peed into 7 cups (I was there for awhile) and watched as they extracted exactly 16 vials of my blood, and you know what? I think it was just so that I wouldn’t come back asking for explinations.
    Autoimmune disease is diagnosed through elimination – there is no super quantitative testing to be had. Your disease ‘unfolds’ like a flower and once open you get to know if it is RA or Sjogren’s. Mine is still unclear. Keep asking though, and get a referal to a Rheumatologist (if you haven’t already). As I type my left pointer finger knuckle is red like Rudophs nose and my hand hurts slightly. Good luck with this all and if you want some info on different drug therapies (I have tried 4 so far) I am open to questions. Merry Fucking Christmas!

    p.s. I am sure this is all happening because I don’t believe in baby Jesus.

  53. I had my gall bladder taken out when I was 18, and the surgeon was going to let me have the gall stone that caused all the problems…but somehow I never received it.

    For all I know it could still be inside me somewhere…

    Rhea’s last blog post..Is it still Christmas?

  54. I would TOTALLY hire you to write ads for me. I’m a Wedding Photographer with 2 hungry boys and a mortgage. Let me know what you come up with.

    Also, I think it’s sad that my husband doesn’t read my blog, but is always wondering what the fuck I’m laughing about when I read yours, and I end up reading it to him (after the kids go to bed, of course). I’m not offended AT ALL that my husband likes your blog more than mine. I know it’s because I curse as much in real life as you do on your blog, but I have to keep the cursing out of my blog or I’m afraid people won’t hire me to shoot their wedding. Or maybe if I cursed MORE on my blog I wouldn’t need you to write ads for me…

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..This Is A Totally True Story

  55. Lisa, how about this?

    “Ladies, no matter how much you purge you will still think you look fat at your wedding. Everyone else will say you look gorgeous but they have to say that because they’re eating your steak at the reception. You could have painful surgery to have those bottom three ribs removed or you could call me. I’m your wedding photographer and I will give you the impossible waist of one of those disney princesses and the boobs of a porn star. Also I’ll photoshop unicorns into the background. It’s gonna be totally kick-ass. You’ll look so hot you’ll be all “Oh my God, I should have held out for a congressman.” But just remember, it’s not really you. It’s me. And my mystical, magical photoshop machine. Hurry up. You aren’t getting any younger. Unless you’re using me as a photographer because then you’ll totally look like you’re 12. Like a super hot, giant boobed 12 year old. It’s going to be the best wedding ever.”

    You can just send me a check.

  56. When I bought my husband the camera/video camera for Christmas, how did it escape my attention that meant I would be spending ALL of Christmas Day/Night making our very own porno? I have to say it is pretty fucking funny to watch your husband make that “Oh Oh OhhH!” face on your big screen TV though.

  57. You gave up some Christmas gifts to spend the money getting your cat fixed and healthy? You truly ARE like Mother Teresa, only better.

    (I LOVE Chipotle. Unfortunately I made the mistake once of checking out their nutrition info online. If you haven’t done this, people…DON’T. It will come just-this-side of ruining you.)

    Lesley’s last blog post..Happy Various Holidays, Um What-ers! Let’s Celebrate With Pepper Spray, Bank-Approved Auto Theft And A Black Lace Tutu!

  58. Lisa: You should definitely use that on your website, right on the front page. There’s probably enough room on the left-hand side, next to the picture of the pervy groom and the bride with the “yeah I know but his parents are loaded” look on her face. Just put it in a fancy gothic font so that most people won’t read it ’cause it’s like trying to read Klingon or something but they’ll absorb the message subliminally and you’ll still get tons of business.

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

  59. First, I am pea green with envy over the xanax. I can’t convince my doc I am crazy enough to need them. Clearly she hasn’t seen the blog.

    Sci-fi sex book=awesome.

    Also, love that layout idea. I don’t know how I am ever going to make money blogging. Perhaps put a photo of my boobs up and then accept bribes from all the blinded people who beg me to take it down.

    shonda’s last blog post..Revenge is Best Served Cold, with 300 Parts and Instructions Written Half in Chinese

  60. Next time you revamp the blog, may I suggest a live video of you dictating your post? I mean, bacon is cool and all, but nothing says “Blogess” like explaining the neutering process with grapes while on Xanax, to your cat no less. You want sponsors? They will pooouurrr in after THAT!

    traci’s last blog post..Post-Holiday Wrap

  61. Walk into a Victoria’s Secret and the Bra Lady will take one look at your chest–you can keep your shirt on–tell you your bra size and throw a few bras at you to try on. All for free. It really works.

    Treat your cat to a educational video of cat sex. Cover your eyes if you want to Go To Heaven. You’ll be as scared of sex as your cat, but she’ll thank you in the end. (Don’t tell her the female cat in the video has been spayed, or it won’t work.) The boy cat didn’t even take her to dinner and a movie first. What a dick. And there’s totally no ambiance in the boudoir. Sad, very sad.

    Mer’s last blog post..Happy Mithrasmas!

  62. Jenny, I’m worried that your digit dilemma may be related to the screenprints you made in college of people cutting off their own fingers. Now here you are ripping off the fingernails of your cat while your pointer finger swells. It’s all so hand-y-capping. Wish I could help you get to the bottom of this digital dilemma.

    betaphi’s last blog post..Turkish Van Cat

  63. So, it’s none of my damn business, but there is a lot of new research that arthritis and even lupus can be infections (of the sort that medical science hasn’t yet learned to identify) and people respond to antibiotic treatment when given. So, it is my opinion (and I am not a physician) that you have an infection in your finger and taking anti-inflammatory medication is a couple drops short of the whole dose. For what it’s worth….

    Wanda’s last blog post..Blue Chairs

  64. Wow! So much to say, but I’ll be brief.
    Recently my hubby asked me if I have formed emotional ties elsewhere (we’re having trouble) and I said yes, absolutely…If you’re asking me if I’ve been having an affair…then yes…my girlfriends have been filling my emotional needs for years, cuz I don’t get that from you. Harsh reality, huh. Anyway…I filled my own stocking this year and thank goodness, cuz then I get what I want and the kids don’t feel bad that Santa didn’t bring me anything so I must be on his “naughty” list.

    AND btw…now I can’t say awesome without mentally killing kittens and i’ll be thinking about ovaries every time I eat grapes…can’t WAIT for the next association you throw out there…Seriously though, THANK YOU for the awesome distraction from my shit. LOVE IT! Now I’m gonna go eat some grapes.

    Ellen Marden (zaellen)’s last blog post..How I spent Christmas this year…

  65. it’s funny that you mention chipotle. i love me some chipotle. not to be a dick or any thing, but chipotle causes hepatitis. did i spell that right? was it hepatitis or aids? i can’t remember. and they probably cleared it all up. and it was only one place in san diego. but they just throw some windex on that and it goes away, right?

    kidding about the aids. because aids isn’t funny.

    ms. changes pants while driving’s last blog post..have you met my friend ben barron?

  66. HEY. Don’t joke around with that bacon shit. If you have bacon on your site, I may never come back, because I LOVE BACON and every time I see it on your site, I will go off and eat a thousand pounds of it, then gain a thousand pounds, and then will only be able to sit in my rolly chair in front of the computer, because I’m morbidly obese, and then I’ll only ever read your site, then I’ll eat more bacon, and basically, you’ll kill me.

  67. Why does your new site design make me think penis which I guess I might just be a sex fiend since I read about cat ovaries and see a penis in a bacon photo. What is wrong with me?

  70. If you got your cat’s ovaries removed then you had her spayed, not neutered.

    GOD, how do you not know this?

  71. To be honest, I actually did know that but “neutered” is a much funnier word than “spayed”, which is one of the unfunniest words in the history of unfunny words.

    It’s the same literary license I take when I refer to a “vulva” as a “vagina”, or a man’s genitals as his “junk”. I imagine Hemingway made similar artistic decisions.

  74. For $9.95 plus shipping and handling, I’ll email you my ovaries in a jar. You can take pictures of them to send to Lotta and then donate them to Toys for Tots next year after you scrapbook them for your parents.

    Jane’s last blog post..Love, Eclipsing

  75. Jenny – Your finger issue is retroactive karma for getting your poor cat de-clawed! Have a vet explain to you exactly what the surgery is (basically, if you amputated your fingers at the first joint, that would be the same) and make sure to ask about the possibility of painful regrowth under the skin. Merry Christmas!

  77. I’m telling spayed you said that and the next thing you know, spayed is gonna show up at your door and be all, where’s your ovaries bitch?! and maybe spayed will even wave a flaming Samurai sword in the air or something and at one point I just know spayed is gonna pull a WWF move from a rope spayed has set up in advance and try to body slam you onto a mat that spayed also strategically set up before hand and then scream WHO’S FUNNY NOW?? because spayed is totally freaking punk rock like that.

  79. I spent 5 weeks dragging my kids to the Sephora store to show them exactly which perfume I liked…I even grabbed a brochure for my kids to mull over and memorize. Christmas day I open what sounds like a perfume box (because of all the sloshing around I could hear from shaking the present like a newborn)(no, I don’t really advocate shaken baby syndrome, it just seemed to go together) and I got all excited! And. Wait for it.

    White Diamonds.

    My kids? Assholes.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Knowing what crazy looks like doesn’t make it any easier to avoid

  80. I think your vet should be reported. I mean, you own the cat, which means you own the ovaries of the cat. So by all rights, you should be able to keep your own ovaries in a jar if you want to! (OK, maybe that didn’t come out quite right, but you get the idea!)

    Jen’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday – Christmas Morning 2008

  84. I tried getting that job at Hanes where you walk around measuring women for bras (I think you have to measure some really big hairy biker dudes with man boobs on occassion too), but Hanes would not hire me for the job…probably an anti-Lesbian policy. I hate discrimination in all its ugly forms.

  85. Jenny you owe me a new laptop, since when I opened your new site design… I clawed the way through my screen for that bacon.

    Mmmmm… bacon.

    This was hysterical. What I got for Christmas was $1500 worth of guilt because the hubs spent that on me and I did not go into debt to buy him a TV we couldn’t afford. And a Giant Pink Coach purse that I could probably use to smuggle in donkeys.

    And a partiridge in a pear treeeeeee. (Which I sang to the Sonic carhop after she read my order back to me… she was not amused. I was.)

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..The Role of Liz’s Husband Will Now Be Played By…

  93. After I had my dog spayed, instead of keeping the ovaries, I just bottled up her happiness. Now, whenever we walk by a couple of animals fucking in the grass, I say, “Winnie, just think, you could be doing that too, had I not listened to Bob Barker.” And then I pull out the bottle of happiness and waive it in front of her dejected little face.

    Father Muskrat’s last blog post..a meme, an award, and a giant johnson

  95. I love your blog, your writing and your sense of homour. But…the declawing thing is bad news, it’s a horrific and unnessecary amputation, I wish you hadn’t done it, but you have so there’s no point in berating you for it now.

  96. That’s what one of my coworkers always says but then I remind her that’s what some people say about circumcision. She says it’s not really the same thing but all I know is that I’ve never paid to have a man’s penis cut off. Yet.

    Technically though I didn’t pay to get the cat de-clawed either because I just sent her in to get fixed and they apparently decided I’d just forgotten to say that I wanted her declawed. When Victor brought her home I was all “What’s with the booties?” It was weird. Also, they wrote strange symbols all over her shaven stomach with a pen. They didn’t cut off her penis though but probably only because she didn’t have one. I think I need a new vet.

  98. I don’t know where you are getting this bra fitting but………I wrote about this the other day but am too lazy to find it now…but….I had one right before Christmas because, hey I did get bra’s for Christmas.

    Anyway, I tell the woman that the problem is I have a big ass body and little boobs. That means, lady, do you carry bra’s in size 46AA?

    She measures me, declares that I wear a 46DD to which I burst into tears of laughter. I could get half of my 200 pound big ass body in a DD cup. What I really need and what I’ve been wearing is a 44B with an extender so it reaches around me. What I ended up ordering, because they don’t carry them in the stores is a 46B…which is really awesome…yea 46B…

    So….yea, go get your fitting but know that……yea, that molesting bra fitter might be wrong as hell.

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Day 3, The Last Vacation of 2008 – Little Snow

  100. “I’m going to have some stranger groping me. To see what size I am. While I’m naked.” It’s totally sad to be a man, isn’t it? Oh wait, you’re not a man.

    New Duck’s last blog post..New Year

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