This dog’s broken

in bizarre, conversations, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

This is not a real post.  It’s just an update on my last one.  Real post coming…

So apparently there’s already a famous pug named Chester and another one named Truman and Victor hated “Mr. Pickles” so I brought up Anissa’s suggestion that we name him “My Vagina” because it would be awesome to hear our (male) vet be all “Someone hook an IV up to My Vagina”.  “My Vagina looks lonely.”  “Who gave My Vagina a squeaky toy?”  “My Vagina is extremely overweight.  What are you feeding it?” and then there would be some much-needed levity one day when the vet has to say “I’m sorry, but My Vagina has terminal cancer” and we’d all laugh and laugh.  And then, many years from now, we’ll have a tiny gravestone that says only “My Vagina:  In our hands for a moment, Now with Jesus forever.”   And then I couldn’t stop giggling about all the adventures I’d have with My Vagina and Victor was all “I don’t think you’re mature enough to have a puppy”.  So instead we named him Barnaby Jones (Pickles). 

So I took that mock-up I made of Barnaby Jones with his dreidel earrings and emailed it to the piercing hut to see how much it would cost and they didn’t respond at all.  Probably because they’re anti-semitic.  So then I emailed them again and said “Okaaay, how about a belly ring?” and I haven’t gotten a response but I guess that doesn’t even matter because right after that I rolled Barnaby Jones over and discovered HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BELLY BUTTON.  And I called Victor and I’m like “This dog’s all broken” but then I went online to look at pictures of other dogs’ stomachs and it turns out that none of them have belly buttons which doesn’t make sense at all because almost all animals have umbilical cords so why is it that no animals have belly buttons except for dolphins and now that I think about it I’m not even sure that that thing on the top of a dolphin is even a belly button?

Then later I took Barnaby Jones to the pet store and I was all “Where do you keep the collars with the kegs on them?” and the clerk just looked at me and I was all “You know?  Those little whisky kegs that St. Bernards carry arround in the Alps?” and the clerk was like “Uh…we don’t have anything like that” and I was all “You don’t have it in small sizes for pugs or you don’t carry them at all?” and he was all “Uh…both?”  So I guess it must be seasonal?  Then I thought I would make one myself by filling Hailey’s Monkeys-in-a-Barrel game with whiskey and then threading it through his collar but then I realized that the first time Barnaby Jones rolled over on his back the whiskey would drain out of the holes I poked in the barrel to thread the collar though.  Except it wouldn’t be real whiskey because I wouldn’t waste actual booze until I had tested it and so instead I’d use water mixed with yellow food-coloring and then Victor’d see the stains and yell at Barnaby for peeing on the floor and I’d be all “Don’t yell at him for peeing!  He just rolled over for a tummy scratch and spilled all the whiskey.  Yell at him for that.” And then Victor’d get all mad at me and I’d assure him that it wasn’t real whiskey because I was just testing it to make sure it worked and he’d be all “If it was just a test then why wouldn’t you just use clear water?  Why the hell would you purposely add dye to it?” and I’d be all “Because then he would have known it wasn’t real and wouldn’t have taken it seriously.” And then Victor’d threaten to take the dog back and I’d be all “It was a full dress rehearsal!” but Victor totally wouldn’t get it and he’d get all shouty and I’d be all “If anything you should be thanking me for not wasting all our whiskey.  Asshole.”  Oh my God, I am so mad at him.

Comment of the day: Perhaps you could just get him an holster for those little airplane bottles of booze. That seems more size appropriate. Plus you could have a selection!  “No My Vagina, I said Vodka! Not Tequila! Bad My Vagina!”  I can totally see Quiet Asian neighbor now. “Did she say ‘Come my vagina.’?  Orgasm on demand, like Tivo?  Why we not have that yet?” ~ Evening

184 thoughts on “This dog’s broken”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?

    Have you called in a dog psychologist yet? Because your dog is definitely going to start exhibiting bizarre behaviors. It might be the whiskey, but I’m leaning more towards the emotional trauma of multiple piercings. If he wants his ears pierced, he’ll take himself off to Claire’s when he’s 16 like everyone else.

    a’s last blog post..To continue the mailbox theme

  18. I think the most important fact from this blog is that whiskey will be made available in the event of a crisis. I just made you my emergency contact at work. And they were all “But what is her real name?”, so I scissor-kicked them and ran away.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Righteous Fury!

  19. I called my Cat Johnny K after Johnny Knoxville because I thought that if I did that I’d get to sleep with Johnny Knoxville. Turns out that’s not a ‘rule of the universe’ and now I’m left with a cat with a name that no one can remember. People are lazy/don’t listen enough.

    And he’s gay too. He tried to get off with the Irish setter yesterday.

    bbkf’s last blog post..USA and South America does not constitute a world tour.

  22. Your dog is too small to carry enough whiskey. You’ll need to get the St. Bernard.

  24. Once upon a time in Boonville, OK, I had a friend. We were both nine at the time. My friend lived way out in the country in a tiny trailer that eventually got soldered to a half-finished house. But, I guess I’m getting off topic. Except, that I’m really not.

    My friend’s mother raised Weimaraner puppies. She used to breed the moms and then deliver the puppies at home. They were really cute, sleek little taupe-colored balls of warmth.

    At a certain point after the delivery, she would grab up each puppy, slap it down on the tailgate of an old pick-up trunk and cut off its tail with a razor blade. Please bear in mind that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the tails. They were long and pointy. Kinda of what you would imagine a dog’s tail should be like for wagging and disturbing flies and bushes in the woods.

    Thus, it is quite clear to me that you are surrounded by a bunch of pussy veterinarians, tattoo artists, and purveyors of doggie retail debt. Pierced ears for fashionable dreidel earrings, tummy tattoos, and diminutive nightcaps got nothin’ on tail amputation. Speaking of which, if your pug’s tail is too curly, you could have it amputated.

    And, now that I think of it, if you would prefer that Barnaby Jones, look just a bit tougher, you could have his ears “docked” (just a euphemistic way of saying “partially amputated”) but you could mitigate that toughness–presto changeo!–by having his balls “docked.” I’m just sayin’…

    Christ! I hope you have a CARE CARD from GE to pay for all that a/esthetic intervention or you are going to have to get a second mortgage… In this economy… In Houston…

    You. Are. So. Screwed.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water…

  25. See, if you were in Germany with me right now I bet you would think that “ausfarht” is a funny word, too. I keep giggling like I’m a 12 year old boy. heeheee, ausfarht.

  26. Granted, I would have really enjoyed waiting for the day you wrote to say, “Hey, Tom, I’ve just posted some new pictures of My Vagina for your viewing pleasure!” Still and all, I am happy to know there will always be a little BJ dribbling on your carpet.

    Forget the whiskey cask, though. He’ll need a shot glass version.

  28. Since he’s so small, and therefore can’t carry enough whiskey to get the job done, you need to teach him to carry cocaine. And stick the barrel to the collar with hot glue, because you can stick anything to anything else with hot glue.

    Karen’s last blog post..PROMPTuesday My Awesome Things

  29. *Where do you come up with this stuff?

    Do you ever have normal conversations like, “Should we buy Raisin Bran or Honey-Nut Cheerios?”, or “Honey, did you take out the trash?”.

    No? Hmmmm.

    How about Parent-Teacher COnferences? How do those go?

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..I have a dilemma

  31. If you teach Barnaby Jones how to bring you liquor I’m totally bringing my dog, Astro, over for a play date so you can teach him how to fetch me liquor too.

    Greis’s last blog post..Quickie Update…

  32. Well, you could get those little bottles of whiskey and put that in the barrel. That would totally solve the spilling problem.

    Or, improvise, and skip the barrel and just strap a large bottle of whiskey to his neck. Pugs are kind of small, but he could handle it.

  35. This post made me laugh so hard that I had to share it – by reading out loud – with the people around me at the moment. Unfortunately, I was in my Constitutional Law class and I’m sure everyone now thinks I’m even more inappropriate and crazy than they already thought. This might be worse than that time in Civil Procedure when I corrected the professor when she said the founder of penthouse was Larry Flint – we were reading a case about Hustler – and I went on to identify all the major porn mags and their founders and the history of conflict between. At the end of this I realized everyone was staring at me and there was an awkward silence, and I hate awkward silences, mostly b/c I get them a lot, so to ease the tension with humor I announced to my professor and 60 members of my law school class that “I know my porn!” People seriously refer to me as the porn girl, I’m the class VP and that’s still what everyone remembers me for.

    Angelita’s last blog post..I’m OK/ You Have That Effect On Me/ But I Need You Desperately

  36. Just tattoo a picture of a belly button on him. Or better yet, tattoo a picture of a vagina where his belly button should be and change his name to My Vagina.

  37. Why would you want to put a whiskey barrel on a pug? He wouldn’t be able to carry more than about a shot’s worth. Get a Rottweiler and let My Vagina Barnaby Pickles handle something smaller like a nickel bag.

    Oh and my cats are going to be very pissed at you after I get done chasing them and holding them down to look for their belly buttons. My poor older cat. Its bad enough he doesn’t have balls, I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to him that he doesn’t have a belly button either.

    April’s last blog post..Quick update and a video

  39. If you can’t even get your dog to carry around booze for you, what’s the point?

  40. yelocrab totally has your back! How awesome is it that you can actually order them?! I love the internet!

    If my Yorkies can’t handle the ‘small’ size barrels, I’m thinking my 12 year old daughter can pull it off. Except she does go to a Christian school, so she’ll have to kind of hide it under her white button-down shirt…

    Babybloomr’s last blog post..It’s National De-lurking Day!!

  42. Someone asked me the question about dogs and belly buttons a few weeks back and I “googled” it up. Turns out that puppies rip their umbilical cords off and have little scars that fade quickly rather than belly buttons.

    My Vagina prolly wasn’t a good idea. Think about it:
    My Vagina just crapped in the corner.
    My Vagina just chewed up my shoe.
    Mom, can I take My Vagina to school for show and tell?
    My Vagina has fleas.
    My Vagina needs a shock collar.

    andy’s last blog post..Childhood Xmas Memories

  43. Lord Jesus. My husband sent me over to you, saying that he think’s HE’S funny, and then he reads your stuff and is all, “Where does she think of this??” and is impressed and humbled and inspired all at the same time. Now that I think of it, maybe he sent me to you because he i confused and overwhelmed by this rush of emotion, but whatever. Awesome. Awesome stuff. Totally coming back for more, dude.

  44. Oh, hell–stray apostrophe. The shame!! That’s “thinks” not “think’s.” I’d never hang out with someone who utilizes poor punctuation, and I don’t think you should have to, either. My bad, dog.

    Pretty Jane’s last blog post..Have you clicked yet?

  45. ” Don’t put things in My Vaginas’ Mouth!”
    ” Stop playing in the house with My Vagina!”
    ” My Vagina is tired and needs to go to bed!”

    My lord, the possibilities are endless!

    Trista’s last blog post..Two-Freaking-One

  46. All I can see when you say “Barnaby Jones” is Buddy Ebsen’s old ass, trying to get in and out of that Ford LTD….in his leisure suit.
    Hey – maybe BJP needs a leisure suit?? Since you cant get him pierced or tatt’d.

  47. I am crying over the last two posts and then I reread your letter to your husband sleeping in the other room and nearly passed out.

    You are just not right and I thank God for that every time you put a new post up.

    Jarrard’s last blog post..Merry Christmas!

  50. ROFLMAO!!!!!! This post made me laugh and laugh! you funny!

    My vagina. That’s the best thing of the day. Everyday, I’m going to put it into a sentence. Like with fortune cookies when you put ‘in bed’ at the end. Only, “in My Vagina”.
    My fortune cookie today read:
    It’s not advisable to leap before you look, but that may be all you have time for IN MY VAGINA.

    Truer words were never spoken.

    Debbi’s last blog post..Tuesday Tunes Returns in ’09

  52. I will totally pierce your dog’s ears. Not that I know what I am doing but how hard can it be? I mean, have you seen the people working at those piercing places in the mall?

    And thank you for the new post. It totally took care of my withdrawal symptoms. You’re the best!

  55. Had your husband spent more than five minutes with you before you got married or was it an arranged marriage? Does he spend most of his time saying “What? No, wait… huh?”? Or do the meds help?

  57. If finding a dog named My Vagina funny is immature, I don’t want to be mature. Then again, even if it not’s immature I don’t want to be mature. Bottom line, My Vagina is f-in’ funny and maturity is totally overrated.

    Law-Talking Guy’s last blog post..Movies

  59. I think you should get his nipples pierced. All 8 of them. And take pictures and put them on Facebook. Does Facebook have rules about dog nipples? And you could totally shave some cool design into his belly fur.

    Ariel’s last blog post..Torn

  60. dogs have belly buttons, it’s just they look more like long, thin scars down the middles of their underbellies than fleshy sinkholes in the abdomen.

    you probably just never noticed because while humans only use theirs to carry lint the canine naval is the anatomical center of lies and obfuscation.

  67. Another sublime post. I find that not only do I follow your lines of thought, but they make sense to me. I’m getting a bit nervous — what medication should I be on?

  68. Barnoodle! Barnyard! Barnstantinople! And when you need some puppy lurve, you can say you need a little BJ action. I love the potential. The beeeeeeej!

    Clearly I like to call my animals anything but their actual name… (as attested by my fat cat Olive, or more commonly known, Oliveloaf).

    And P.S. I like the “this isn’t a post, but it really is.”

    Katematch’s last blog post..YAY Hot Chocolate

  69. It would be even funnier if the husband had to say “My vagina….” You should name him that and always make the husband take him to the vet…

    Ariel’s last blog post..Torn

  72. I pierced this guy’s ear in college at a frat party. I supply the apple, an ice cube and a needle. You must provide your own dreidles.

    I just want the honor of being able to say “I pierced The Blogess’ Vagina!”

  76. You are a truly insane freak. Your husband must be some kind of saint to put up with you. And your little dog too! (that’s a Wizard of Oz reference, psycho..)

  77. Is the name Barnaby Jones from the show “Frisky Dingo”? If so, i love that freaking show.

    If not, it’s still a sweet name.

    “…people let me tell you ’bout my new best friend – Barnaby Jones!”

  81. @andy has a point…

    My Vagina bit the mailman.
    My Vagina has worms.
    My Vagina is drooling on the couch.
    My Vagina has dog breath.
    My Vagina is dragging his ass across the carpet.
    My Vagina is licking his balls.
    I sent pictures of My Vagina to Chipotle.

    and finally

    Hoping someone eats My Vagina tonight.

    deanj’s last blog post..Royal Hawaiian Hotel’s Mai Tai

  83. I am confused as a general statement, but here, specifically: You would be okay with Hailey running around talking about My Vagina, but not Penis? Is this a double standard?

  84. I would not want my four-year old talking about My Vagina. That’s why we would have named the dog Myva and only used his middle name (Jyna) when she wasn’t in the room. Because I’m a good mother.

  85. Your last cmoment just killed me dead.

    How about “Don’t touch My Vagina while we’re eating. It’s just not sanitary” or “My Vaginia needs a bone”?

    ktjrdn’s last blog post..Branson, MO

  86. You crack me up. But the barrel from the Barrel of Monkeys game would be FABULOUS. Just fill it with something that can’t leak. Like Tums or little tablets of acid. Because honestly? If I was stuck in a snowdrift and a Pug was the only one to save me? I’d be thankful for a couple of Tums before I dropped…

    tracey’s last blog post..I’m sure we’ve ALL faked it once or twice…

  87. My vagina is shedding all over the couch.
    My vagina is snoring again.
    My vagina needs to be groomed.
    What the hell did my vagina eat?
    I wish my vagina would quit farting like that.

    I just couldn’t help myself. It’s so fun!

  89. Pickles may not have a belly button, he does have nipples. I think you need to contact Piercing Pagoda again and ask them what it would cost to get his nipples pierced- yeah,all of them. See if you can get a bulk discount. Then you could string them all together with a chain, like those whores who wear belly rings with a belly chain around their waists. And then you could walk Pickles around by his nipple chain. And then he’d be the hottest Pug in town, all the ladies would want him. And then you could pimp him out and make money off of the puppies. Stick with me, Jenny. I’ll make you rich.

  90. I think the name Barnaby Jones (Pickles) is cool…good choice. But that would be totally awesome to hear your male vet say, “Ah, My Vagina looks lonely and is extremely overweight.” Dude!

  93. Everyone in my office totally approves of Barnaby Jones (Pickles). However, think of how much fun it would have been to run after the dog calling “My Vagina…slow down. Quick, someone grab My Vagina.” Or, if the dog got lost one day, you could go around town stapling photos of My Vagina on telephone poles and asking strangers, “Have you seen My Vagina?” Yeah, that’d be fun.

    Laurie Ann’s last blog post..Photo from home

  94. I’m sorry your dog is broken. I am trying to convince my boyfriend to spend some of the money that he has saved for an engagement ring on an “engagement puppy”, pretty catchy, eh?

    I think engagement puppies are the wave of the future.

  95. Myva Jyna is shedding like crazy.
    Myva Jyna loves to eat off the table.
    Myva Jyna needs her claws cut, yowtch!
    Will you give Myva Jyna a treat please?
    …and here’s a picture of Myva Jyna when she was little.

    GAH, it could go on and on….

    Katematch’s last blog post..YAY Hot Chocolate

  97. My dog totally has a tattoo! She got hers from Animal Control before I got mine (not from Animal Control). Also, if your dog really wants to be a badass, I think his badass gang name should thusly be Da Stanky Hoo-ha. Get him a bandana, some bling, some knuckle/paw rings and a 40.

  98. A lot of dog owners ask me why their dogs eat their own waste and how do they get the damn dog to stop.

    (Not random dog owners, clients actually, who pay me for training advice. Though, sometimes random people come up and ask me that. Funny, never thought it was weird until just now).

    Wouldn’t it be funny if you actually did name your dog My Vagina and he ate poop? And you’d email me and ask, “Tania, how do I get My Vagina to stop eating sh*t? My Vagina is starting to smell really bad.” That makes me laugh just thinking about it.

    What? Did I cross the line?

    Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..December ROFLs – The last of ’08 edition

  100. You should’ve held out for My Vagina,really. But I am curious. Whiskey keg? He’s a Saint Bernard? How did I miss that?

    annie’s last blog post..911

  103. Dogs totally have belly buttons, but you can only see them when they are very little. As the puppy grows they kinda go away.

    Curious about my dogs belly button when he was smaller, I discovered that he has nipples on his penis. It’s true. Two nipples. On. His. Penis. Still there.

  104. It is really important, that the dress rehearsal not go smoothly. That would jinx the show. At least that is what we believed in my theatre days.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Jump Start

  107. This is really funny.

    Too bad I already voted for The Comics Curmudgeon.

    Oh well. So sad to be you!

    Ewald.

  108. Wait. Dogs don’t have umbilical cords do they? They just pop out. There’s no cutting of anything when they come out . . . So how do they get nutrition in utero? Now I have to stop working (surfing the internet, whatever) and go research.

  109. when i was REALLY young i used to call puppies “buppies,” this was back in the days when i was also calling escalators “alligators.” so later my parents thought it would be clever to name the family dog “buppy.” then he ran away and we just let him go because none of us could work up the stones to go wandering around in public yelling “buppy!” over and over again.

    i carry a lot of pain inside.

  111. I was going to suggest a name for the dog – “My Dildo” but then that could get confusing for the dog, your favorite neighbors and the husband. If you get upset like I do and just let it fly, no one would know to whom you are referring when you call for “My Dildo”.

  112. So let’s say you take Myva to the vet to get a microchip put in him, because “what if Myva Jyna gets lost or stolen?” Then the vet whips out some enormous microchipping machine and you yell, “Hey! You’re not sticking that thing in Myva Jyna! I’d rather just get Myva Jyna tattooed, thankyouverymuch.” Yeah.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #18

  114. I totally understand your confusion over the missing belly button. I once had to call my husband home from work in the middle of the day because I discovered our youngest son has two tongues.

  115. Dear Blogess:

    I want you to watch my dogs when I go have my shot gun wedding. I can think of no other person on earth that I would trust more with my furry kids. Btw, you won an award…

    http://www.leblahg.com

    It’s well deserved, you are coffee through the nose talented.

    Kisses,

    Miss B.

  117. “Myva” reminds me of some friends of mine who had a cat named “Oshi” because when the wife brought home a new kitten, hubby’s first words were “Oh Shit! not a cat!”

  119. I am crying over My Vagina. Please reconsider.

    I have a picture of my husband (the one that’s totally in love with you) looking for our cat’s bellybutton. The internet assures me she has one, but he has not, as of yet, found it.

    If he ever leaves me and the two of you hook up, I’m sure you’ll have a long, happy life searching for mammals’ belly buttons.

  120. When we play shoot-em-up games on XBox, we all come up with names like that. My friend plays as My Boner.

    So when you kill him it says things like “You assassinated My Boner.”

  122. I just called my mother to read her this post.
    You are way funnier then I could ever hope to be.
    My Vagina – that’s awesome and I am totally stealing it.

  127. Oh mah holy fucking hell. I just bit a hole through the palm of my hand trying not to laugh out loud. Now I’m bleeding all over the kitchen table and my husband is looking at me, all like, “What the fuck are you doing chewing on your hand?” and shaking his head sadly and walking away.

    It’s like I’m in one of those Jenny The Bloggess animal traps and I can’t get out without, y’know, the chewing and shit.

    Ree’s last blog post..Graduation ‘81 – Past in Polaroids 19

  128. Perhaps you could just get him an holster for those little airplane bottles of booze. That seems more size appropriate. Plus you could have a selection!

    “No My Vagina, I said Vodka! Not Tequila! Bad My Vagina!”

    I can totally see Quiet Asian neighbor now. “Did she say ‘Come my vagina.’? Orgasm on demand, like Tivo? Why we not have that yet?”

  131. What you need is a “barrel flask” like these. Then you just glue it on to a collar and you’re all set.

    By the way, have you thought about teaching Pickles to talk? You could teach him to say “awesome”. It’d probably sound like “waufwum” or something but it should be enough to take out a few kittens.

    Steve’s last blog post..Carpe Ovum

  133. I can try to convince you change BJ’s name to Meatwagon?! My husband wouldn’t let me name our Pekinese Meatwagon and I think that small dog need names that say,”Don’t mess me with punk or my humans because they are totally SCREWED UP!”

    Oh and once our vet totally shaved all of the fur off our Peke and he looked like a mutant Pug for one summer. But no one messed with him because he has one eye and is named Blitzkrieg – for real.

    You’re right dogs should be trained in the art and science of alcohol retrieval.I love saying,”Blitzkrieg bring me a martini” and he does. OK it’s a martini toy, but it’s a start.

    Instead of trying to find a pug sized wiskey barrel you could clip a keychain flask to My Vigina/Barneby Jones/Meatwagon’s collar. http://www.cellphoneflasks.com/wholesale-mini-keychain-flask.html You wouldn’t have to worry about him spilling your booze or stealing it from the flask because dogs don’t have thumbs.

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..How to Make a Braided Fleece Pet Toy

  135. You should change his name from Barnby Jones to Meatwagon. No one would mess with a dog named Meatwagon.

    Take it from me I named my one eyed Pekingese Blitzkrieg – for real.

    Oh and instead of a tiny whiskey barrel how about clipping a key chain flask to his collar instead?

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..How to Make a Braided Fleece Pet Toy

  137. So I’m just writing to express my annoyance that you always get over 100 comments per post and really, I have absolutely nothing redeeming to add to this conversation at all other than my self-centered irritation that I never get that many comments, and that I need to find a way to do it for the sake of ego.

    Actually, I’m considering creating a bunch of alter-egos with names like “Jed Wilkerson” and “Donna Reed’s uvula” and using them to add dozens of pointless comments to my blog so that everyone will think I’m awesome, which, really, if I have Donna Reed’s uvula commenting on my blog, I must actually be, because who the FUCK else has any uvulas (or perhaps uvulae) commenting on their blogs, let alone those of famous people. And I’m thinking the uvulas could just comment “Uuuuuuugggllluuuh,” except for Donna Reed’s, which would probably say “Uuuuuuugggllluuuh Carl Betz!” And if it didn’t say that, then we’d all know there was some backstage shenanigans going on because what kind of fucking uvula wouldn’t mention a TV spouse when commenting on a blog in this day and age unless there was pent-up resentment, or lust, or likely both.

    I totally got all of 7 responses on my last post, proving that uvulas don’t like AC/DC. Fucking lame uvulas don’t know how to rock.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..For those about to shop

  139. I’m sorry this comment has taken so long, but for some reason, they expect me to work while I’m at work. So, referencing comment #84, his full name would have been Myva Jyna Pickle?

  140. You can’t name your dog My Vagina, but you can name him B.J. hmmm Calling Doctor Freud, Calling Dr. Freud.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..

  144. Apparently dogs do have belly buttons – they just heal by the time they’re a week old.
    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080111100235AAHExWS

    Also REI’s gotta have some sort of dog collar with water bottle attachment. Hell, those people put camelbacks into anything.

    Being married to a wildlife biologist has its benefits.

    Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas’s last blog post..Maybe a drink would have been a good idea.

  145. Hahahahahah you should totally call the dog My Vagina anyway 🙂

    I bet that after the whiskey barrel thing that people won’t trust you with their dogs. My friend won’t trust me with her (non-existent) children now because I walked like two steps away from the table that I’d left her new bunny on. I was still watching her…

    If they can desex a rabbit they should pierce your dog’s ears. You should get a dog tag identifier thingy on one ear (cos if it’s a boy, then two ears = homo I think? Not that there’s anything wrong with a homosexual dog…) and make it um, ‘decorative’.

    Interestinng fact: the rabbit that was just desexed, a malle, tried to hump the younger newer girl rabbit, and he was so big and fat that you couldn’t even see her under there I kid you not.

  148. I think it’d be great fun at the park calling “My Vagina! My Vagina!” And if he got lost, you could ask random people “Have you seen My Vagina?”

    Kylie’s last blog post..For Piglet

  150. I’m a little sad that Snugglepants the Death Bringer didn’t make the cut. Although My Vagina would have been awesome.

  151. I’m disappointed that My Vagina didn’t make the cut, neither did my personal submission of MonkeySpunk… He just looks like a MonkeySpunk to me, but hey, it’s your dog… Hope your enjoying your whiskeyless, tattooless, piercedless, non MonkeySpunk Vagina dog… Sounds like a total drag to me…

  152. I have to admit that after that last post I was all, “WTF? That can’t be right.” And I Googled “dog belly buttons.” I didn’t see a dog belly button but I did see a picture of a hamster with an infected belly button. And now my kids will never have a hamster for a pet because, ew.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Why, God, Why???

  153. I can’t get over how envious I am of the conversations you have in your head. Where can I get conversations like that?? I bet Wal-mart doesn’t sell them just as the pet store doesn’t sell those damn keg collars…hmmm. maybe I can google it…but i have a feeling it’ll just lead me back here and i’ll read again and the cycle will continue. But I can’t quit you. 🙂
    Dana

    Dana’s last blog post..Unsettling

  156. My Vagina. funny. Think of the therapy that dog wouldn’t have needed. A boy dog named Vagina.

    Damn, I thought a Boy Named Sue was bad. Johnny Cash will never sound the same to me. Next time I hear any of his tunes I will instantly think, A Dog Named Vagina.

    And…
    Pugs are from England, you need to put Gin in the little keg. Get you booze right.

    reeky’s last blog post..Commission is Completed

  157. It’s funny, how many different ways there are to use “My Vagina” in a sentence. Although y’all missed the one about “jumped out of the pickup and broke a leg, we had to put it down”

    I didn’t see any reference to “chased a seagull off the dock, we had to fish it out with a net” either, maybe I missed it.

    but this is the most fun I’ve had during lunch for a long time. Thanks!

  158. I understand that pugs always travel in pairs, so Victor’s gonna have to get one, too. You could call it “Little Woody.”

    “My Vagina” and “Little Woody.”

    Think of the possibilities…

  159. Maybe his full name should be: Barnaby Jones Pickles My Vagina. A wicked awesome sentence or a wicked awesome name? You decide…

  160. I’m worried, Jenny. What happens when your dog actually starts sniffing crotches ?

    Do you shout “my vagina stop sniffing my vagina”

    Don’t you think he’ll end up becoming mentally unstable and confused beyond belief ? I don’t hear good things about the doggie sanitarium

    WM’s last blog post..Don’t Give up on Me…

  161. If I named one of my dogs “My Vagina”, I would totally be telling people “My Vagina licks carpets!”. Because they both fucking do that all the time.

    Last night one of them ATE part of my carpet.

  164. I want to rename my cat My Vagina, so then I can say my pussy’s name is my vagina, but isn’t that redundant?

  165. Sorry, the last comment was mine, I should probably keep my crazy to my own website. Sorry I leaked my crazy on your website. I still want a Pug however.

    Lori’s last blog post..I Are Cold

  169. Wait, he doesn’t have a belly button? Now I want to go roll my cat over and check him, because I did one day find nipples hidden in his fur, so if a boy cat can be sporting a full set of nipples, there must be a navel in there somewhere.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Welcome Wagon

  172. The best name I have ever heard at the dog park was “Bueller”. Only because every freakin’ time the owner called him he would say: “Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.” Just like whats his name before he became a right wing freak show…

    Paida’s last blog post..Introducing Bartholomew T. Lynx

  173. Based on the popularity of your last two posts, it seems clear to me you need to change your subhead from “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better” to “A Pug in Every Post.” Then, of course, you’ll need to mention BJ in every post from now on. And you’ll probably want to go back into the archives and retrofit him in all the previous posts, too.

    Your “about me” won’t need much editing, though. Just abbreviate “blow jobs” and you’re all set.

  174. My vagina. Now that is an hilarious name.
    My Vagina, come. (sing song)
    My vagina! Stop barking! (Emphatic)
    My vagina, did you eat that sausage? (baby talk)
    My vagina, do you need to go out for some fresh air? (falsetto)
    My Vagina, off the furniture! (Emphatic)
    My Vagina, do you want to hop on Mr Olesons lap! exuberant
    My Vagina, you really need a bath. (weary)
    My Vagina, have you moved once today?
    Could you help me, I’m looking for a cute collar for my Vagina. (Russian accent)
    Yes, I’d like to purchase a liscence for My Vagina. (Business like)
    What do you mean the animal control officer is looking for My Vagina!? (suprised)
    Yes, I would like to make an appointment for my vagina to see the vet. (Pleasant)
    Mr. Smith, My vagina did not make doo doo on your lawn! (indignant)
    And of course the all time classic. Victor, don’t you think you were a little hard on My Vagina last night?

  175. Oh, so the 100+ times vagina is mentioned is actually in the comments section, and not in your post? I see…

    Maybe you should name him My Penis, to spare him from the indignity of having such a feminine name. Plus, you know you want to have a slightly legitimate reason to walk up to people and say “have you seen My Penis?”.

    In other news, a recently born kid was named Ocean Forest. I am totally getting her? some toilet spray for her/its first birthday.

  176. I think for a pug it might be more prudent to make him one of those hats with the straws coming out of the top to go to his little whiskey barrels. You know, ’cause of the big square head.

  178. I’m late to the party. In fact, I checked ‘The Bloggess’ out for the first time only a few days ago because of the awards thing. What an inspiration you are!

    I changed my dog’s name to My Dick and have all ready called the vet to make an appointment to get My Dick fixed.

    The next appointment will be about My Dick’s allergic reaction to his flea collar.

  180. I should have named my dog My Vagina. He ate my kids’ new parakeet. You know, the one Santa gave them? The one we named Richard, after their grandpa?

    So, next year, will they say “Santa? Why did My Vagina eat Richard? Grandpa will be so mad at My Vagina now!”

    If you were Santa, what would you say to that?

    All these pets makes my head hurt…maybe we should just get fish.

    Wait, that could get complicate if My Vagina eats fish. Ick.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..So Much Depends on the Dogs

  181. I love the name “My Vagina” but have you considered this… Haley would go to school and say something like, “My mom taught My Vagina to sit up and beg. My Vagina does great tricks!” …and then you would probably be arrested.

  184. I now feel SO MUCH better about the cat we named Beaver. I have two others, Maggie and Figgy, which I affectionately call Magpie and Figpie. My sweetheart decided the new cat should also have a “pie” name. Since this one is a very long haired furball, or “Fur pie,” it followed that his proper name should be Beaver. LOL. I. Love. This. Man!
    Incidentally, since my “rescuing” of this stray (assuming he would bond with me), the cat has wholeheartedly claimed his creative namer as his human, and vice versa. I can truly and honestly say that my boyfriend is madly in love with my Beaver.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading