I think I got a pig heart in the mail. UPDATE: No, it’s a dog sleeping bag.

in blogging about blogging again, I'm an idiot, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Random Crap, Stalking Amy Sedaris

I know I said I’d have more info on the People’s Party today but apparently I’m a big fat liar.  Instead I’m going to show you a screenshot of my email.  Please keep in mind that all of these emails are from real people and are not spam. (Click to enlarge.)

Also, I just got a package from the girl who sent the email with the subject line “Pig heart in the mail”.  I’m afraid to open it so I’m going to post this and if I don’t post an update it’s probably because I’m dead.  

PS. I want to be buried in a giant pile of marshmallows instead of a coffin because it’s cheaper and also ecologically sound.  And mourners could eat them while they mourn and no one can cry eating marshmallows and someone would do that thing where they try to stick the most marshmallows in their mouth and they’d choke to death and then I could be buried with that person, like I’m some kind of marshmallow pharaoh.  Also I’d like to have a pony buried with me in case they don’t have cars in heaven.

UPDATE:  Opened the first layer of packaging.  Contains brown paper packages tied up with string.  Except the brown paper packages have robots drawn on them.

UPDATE 2:  First package contains buttons with angry lego crossdressers on them.  Also a bag to put dirty underwear in.  True story. 

UPDATE 3:  Opened the second package from pig-heart lady.  It’s a sleeping bag for Barnaby Jones.  And it’s awesome.  For me.  He hates it.

UPDATE 4:  Fuck.  It’s a duvet, which apparently means “bed cover”.  So I’m supposed to stick old underwear and towels in the first sack and then put the duvet over it and it makes a dog bed.  Which is awesome.  Except that I don’t have any old towels or underwear.

UPDATE 5:  I mean, I have underwear…just not enough to fill an entire dog duvet with.

UPDATE 6:  Problem solved.  I stuffed the duvet with a car battery.  Awesome.

UPDATE 7:  Dog refused to get on duvet.  Instead I stuffed the duvet with bag of wire hangers I was going to send back to the cleaners.

UPDATE 8:  This dog is an asshole.

UPDATE 9:  Okay, I took all the hangers out and when I walked back in the room the dog had put himself back in the bag. He looks very proud of himself.  The cats are giving me a look like “we totally warned you”.  They totally didn’t.  These cats are assholes too.

UPDATE 10:  Me: I HAVE NOTHING TO PUT IN THIS DUVET TO MAKE IT LOOK NORMAL.  Victor:  How about the dog’s old bed?  Me:  I hate everyone in this house.

Comment of the day: Look at that poor dog. If ever a dog needed Snuggie sleeves. ~ Steam me up, kid

128 thoughts on “I think I got a pig heart in the mail. UPDATE: No, it’s a dog sleeping bag.”

Read comments below or add one.

  7. Hey, where do you live? I’m coming to visit you and get some of whatever it is your are smoking and if you could get Nancy to meet us there, we could have one awesome party at your ours and we maybe smoke some of whatever it is that you get to smoke before you come up with this stuff, lol, or you can come to Alabama, that would really be a hoot

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Parenting Sites 411

  8. The People’s Party and marshmallow coffins aside, your e-mail folder names are truly inspired. And how did you manage to mold your life in such a way as to require an entire folder devoted to e-mails re: free booze? Any tips you might be able to offer would be appreciated as I am sick and tired of paying for my own booze.

    Lesley’s last blog post..And By "Soon" I Mean Before The Second Coming Of Jesus (WHO TOTALLY LOVES THIS BLOG, BY THE WAY)

  10. Short time reader… first time commenter…

    Your inbox is freakin’ awesome. Take a picture of whatever came in the box.

    Mel’s last blog post..Feed Me!

  12. Wait, why are you dying? Are pig hearts deadly? I cant imagine why they would be unless you eat it or its really a bomb. Its probably a good idea not to eat random animal body parts that you get in the mail (just as a general rule) and if it was really a bomb the email would probably be titled “the exploding pig heart in the mail” …unless its all part of a plot to kill you. Although if it was a plot to kill you shes doing a pretty shitty job at it since I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to email the target and let them know the bomb is coming…or pig heart…or whatever.

    Liz Stabbert’s last blog post..Slideshow 2

  19. Well, those are definitely the best subject lines evah. Have you decided what the music and the appetizers will be for your funeral, yet? I am working on the guest list for mine. Wanna come?

  22. No pig heart? WTF? Check the invoice and make sure you didn’t get charged for a pig heart.

  24. Oh sure. You take a screenshot of your inbox just before I was going to send you an email. I missed my chance to be immortalized. (sigh)

    Steve’s last blog post..Pizza

  26. I can totally see how you would think that was a pig heart. Don’t pigs have, like, thirty minute orgasms? My neighbor has a pig valve in her heart. I’ll have to ask her if she’s noticed a difference.

    derfina’s last blog post..The Story Behind The Song

  28. When I die, will you deliver the eulogy and cover me with marshmallow creme? And then set me on fire. I want to be cremated, but I always figured it had to happen in one of those creepy ovens. But wouldn’t it be cool to just be coated with marshmallow creme and set ablaze in front of all the mourners or partiers or indifferent passers-by?

  32. My 3 year old said “wow, I want that button because it’s really funny because it’s got the girl pink clothes on it”

    Then she said “what’s that?” and I said that it was her leg and she laughed and said “is that really a leg for real? or is that a butt?!”

    she then walked off laughing “that’s a butt mom!”

    ~ElizabethPW

    @ElizabethPW’s last blog post..ElizabethPW: feeling that rebellious anti-work lethargy coming on, so I’m signing off & closing the laptop for the night. later my peeps!

  35. Sometimes when you live in San Francisco, you hang out with inappropriate lesbians who decide that a potluck dinner full of people who don’t know each other is a good place to explain that the easiest way for a woman to pee standing up is to use a fashion a “tube” out of the center of the top of a Cool Whip tub.

    I wonder if that’s what your email from ~Jamie~ said.

    kristy’s last blog post..I’m Leaving San Francisco, But I’m Pretty Sure My Heart Is Coming With Me (Part III)

  39. I would set your body on a pyre and we could roast the marshmallows over your corpse. This would mean that you died doing a good deed, and besides, everybody knows roasted marshmallows taste better than plain ones that have been in the dirt.

    Jane’s last blog post..Is Pathetic the New Black?

  42. I don’t understand why his falls under the Stalking Amy Sedaris category. This isn’t even about Amy Sedaris. And cats are assholes. That’s why we have them.

  48. I wish my inbox looked like that. You emails are way more interesting than the British lotteries and penis enhancing emails I get. Especially the one about ninjas.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..beauty

  49. I sent you photos of the best dog bed in the world and you said your dog couldn’t have better furniture than you. Now I see this. I’m heartbroken. I could cry….

  50. oh, I came here cuz I thought you tweeted that your dog HAD an asshole- I remember the whole dog anatomy issues with belly buttons, earlobes and shit- I thought it was a continuation- my bad.

    tena’s last blog post..WTF Wednesday

  52. Bwahahahaahah Your dog is one spoiled little dog. I want a damn duvet cover. You could bury a steak in it and watch him try to get to it. That would be fun, cept if you like steak and YOU wanted to eat it. Or, guess you could just put the asshole kitties in there and let him dig at them. Or something. I give up.

    Ashley’s last blog post..WFMW – Display your child’s artwork

  54. If it’s around Easter time, we could use Peeps instead of plain marshmallows….

  59. I think the real question here is: what is a stranger doing sending you a bag to put your dirty underwear in?

  64. Oh my god, my dog is jealous she does not have a duvet. And I’m jealous I don’t have tranny Lego buttons.

    I must make friends who will send me “pig hearts” in the mail.

  66. I want my inbox to look like yours! Mine is completely boring and filled with spam. Plus, I want tranny Legos sent to me. And I agree that being buried in marshmallows is a GREAT idea. I’m positive my friends would eat them.

    Jules’s last blog post..The World Ends When the Ink Runs Out

  67. Bear use to send me e-mails with title’s like Monkey Knife Fighting. Now, he is just boring and sends me what day of the week it is. Kind of makes me said.

    Also, I am kind of disappointed that there was not a pig heart in there. But then, its early and I am feeling a bit morbid.

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Survival

  77. Actually it was Guy asking me for a favor. Then I accused him of being in the Yakuza because that’s totally what the mafia does and told him that I wished Alltop had a feature that would let my write “NO ONE LIKES YOU, WHORE” on top of people’s feeds that I don’t like. He said no but he said it in a very friendly way for being a member of the Japanese mafia. If everyone had the sense of humor of Guy Kawasaki the world would be a much less angry place.

  81. What about having an open cremation and then let the mourners roast the marshmallows. Add some chocolate in there, how could anyone one be sad.

  84. Sometimes I worry that my life is too boring. Then I come here to reassure myself that if it were even a bit more interesting I’d go completely bonkers. You are a true hero of interestingness-osity.

  88. “Don’t pigs have, like, thirty minute orgasms?”

    Dude…wouldn’t you want to be on the grant committee that saw that request?
    Hey! We’ve got a grant application from some jokers wanting to study pig orgasms!

    avonlea’s last blog post.."Hello, Kitty!"

  89. You’re totally a hero because I was about to duct tape a garbage bag over my head, but then I saw this post and that my email is still in your inbox, the one about Amy Sedaris’s brother, and for some reason it was enough to stop me from sticking the TNT in my butt and lighting the fuse. So you should totally get a purple heart for saving my life, although most likely they won’t give you one because you’re arthritic, and nobody likes to see a crippled soldier.

    Cat’s last blog post..Other Signs That I Should Seek Medical Attention

  91. You can have my old underwear. Really. I gave up wearing underwear when I moved to Canada. I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. I just didn’t like underwear and since I retired from teaching (you have to wear underwear when you are educating teenage boys who wear ankle bracelets), I was able to live my dream.

    Seriously, the underwear is clean and going to waste in a drawer because Goodwill won’t take old underwear.

  93. Little tangent here because I’m behind on reading. Maybe it’s because I’m on drugs now for ADHD (who knew??), but more likely because your insanity has infiltrated my brain like some parasitic invasion… On FB my husband (currently in Qatar) was marveling at how unbelievably stylish his reflective belt is, and I immediately envisioned the Air Force redesigning their reflective belts using glued-on dead cat eyes (which would be AWESOME because, hello, recycling and saving the planet! and making even more use out of the cats you use for homeless mittens). Oh, yes, I dig dead cats, too.

    Hey, that’s a segue! Be sure to check out my cake. There’s crazy coming at me from this end, too. It’s a virtual DP of ::wait, wait, checking thesaurus for other options:: lunacy.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Tossed Salad Cake

  95. So you have no idea how much I wanted to be able to click on Nancy’s e-mails so I could get to the deliciousnesss I knew I would find inside. Post more, please! The people need more Nancy!!1

  96. You’re right. No one does cry while eating marshmallows. I went to cyingwhileeating.com, and I found no marshmallows, s’mores, or ice cream with marshmallows on top. Nada. Frankly, I’m a bit let down.

  97. You won’t need a pony to get around in heaven. Zero gravity = propulsion by flatulence.

  98. OMG!!! OMG!!! Can’t even read the comments because I have passed out twice just reading this post!! From laughing….You MUST move into my house. That’s all. My life will not go on until you come here and teach me to make my absurdities as hilarious as yours. Right now, they’re just a pain in the ass. PS – my life weirdnesses + your skills = 2 happy millionaire beyotches! You could have all rights to the in-law stories. I get everything else.

    ML’s last blog post..At Least 82 Reasons It’s More Than Miraculous I Haven’t Caved on the Lenten Sacrifice of Chocolate

  99. Pingback: The Economy Isn’t Happening » Blog Archive » Hot talk about murder and suicide

  106. My Vagina is one weird looking dog, cat tumor notwithstanding.

    You give out your home address to people?

  108. ha!

    this is so frustrating, I want so much to read these emails but when i click it does nothing!

    im going to review my old email subject lines from the last 28 000 years stored away..remind myself that me and my friends we also used to be funny….now it’s just boring “RE: baby food” or “RE: my new washing machine”

    screamish’s last blog post..fun at the zoo

  115. Wait, I was comment 105, now I’m 113? Now I’m going to have to read all the comments all over again to see which ones have sneaked in when I wasn’t looking.

    This time I’m taking notes.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Vapourware

  117. a) you are hilarious
    b) I want to be you
    sub b) and by that i mean I want to work in HR and be hopped up on pills
    sub sub b) but only the good ones. You can keep your meth.

  118. You’re going to get me fired. They do not appreciate loud, obnoxious laughing in this here office of mine.

  119. Damn, girl…

    Too bad you didn’t show my silly ass email about the g-spot… which I STILL thank you for! xoxo, Karen 😉

  120. OK, this is weird because I see my cousin Nikol’s email in your inbox and I got the exact same one, which I believe makes us twins. Except I don’t get sleeping bags in the mail. I did, however, get a pajama-gram from TNT. Should I send it to you, sis?

  121. First of all, I think Pug In A Bag could be the hottest thing since Beanie Babies.

    Secondly, the thought of being buried in a pile of marshmallows almost makes me look forward to being killed in the tragic, heroic accident that I just know awaits me.

    Thirdly, I think I want to adopt your folder labels to categorize my entire life from now on.

    Can you see about getting on Oprah to talk about this, to lend this massive life change of mine some legitimacy?

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation with M-: The wipe that shakes the barley

  123. If you’ve seen Truant’s post, I totally tattletaled so I could find out what his email was about because I’m also nosey. WHY DON’T I HAVE MORE FRIENDS???

  126. Okay, bitches, how did wire hangers get into this? I made a shirt that I totally should have claimed as my own: I put a photo of Joan Crawford, in all her Splendrous Eyebrow Glory with the quote underneath; “I NEVER LAID A HAND ON THOSE FUCKING KIDS.”

    NWK,P.
    (lurking)

  128. Oh my god, I am laughing so hard I’ve got tears running down my face. No pressure or anything, but if all of your blogs are this funny, you’ve got a new reader. 🙂

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