*UPDATED* Please read this unless you are blind. (Because blind people can’t see fat or pregnant people so it’s not applicable, not because I’m against blind people. I love blind people and totally want them to read my blog. Or have someone else read it to them, I guess? I don’t know how blind stuff works. I’ll stop now.)

in important stuff, Just sad, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, terrible titles

Today at work a woman passed me in the hall and asked me if I’d had a boy or a girl.  I had a girl.  Four years ago.   And she was all “Oh.  I just had you confused with that other girl in your department.”  No one in my department has ever been pregnant.  Awesome.

Moral:  You are not allowed to ask a woman about her pregnancy unless you physically see a baby being pushed out of her vagina.  Even then I wouldn’t say anything, just in case.  Maybe just “Hey, cool baby” just so she knows there’s a baby coming out.  But she probably knows.  Or maybe not because one time on Oprah I saw this woman who had a baby in line at the bank and the baby got stuck in her pant leg.  And they had to cut her pants off her so the baby wouldn’t suffocate.  I’m not sure what she needed to deposit at the bank but it must have been really important.   When I had Hailey though I kept thinking about that lady and how it would have been nice to have pants on because everyone and their cat kept stopping by to check out the state of my vagina.  I’m pretty sure one guy was a janitor.  True story.

UPDATE: In completely unrelated news, apparently twitter has decided that we are officially at war as evidenced by the “helpful tip” they sent out to people under my latest tweet:

A special thank you to Sarah who sent me this picture and was kind enough to ask me if I had sent out a tip telling people they should unfollow me on purpose, which in all fairness, is totally something I would do.

Comment of the day: If you suspect a woman is pregnant, but you can’t tell for sure, you should ask, “Hey, want to go get a beer?” If she says, “No thanks, I’m pregnant,” then you know she’s pregnant. If she says, “Sounds good,” then she’s probably not pregnant. Although she may be an alcoholic, in which case you just totally pointed it out to everyone and then offered to feed her addiction. Nice going, asshole. ~ Evn

125 thoughts on “*UPDATED* Please read this unless you are blind. (Because blind people can’t see fat or pregnant people so it’s not applicable, not because I’m against blind people. I love blind people and totally want them to read my blog. Or have someone else read it to them, I guess? I don’t know how blind stuff works. I’ll stop now.)”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I am feeling a little disappointed that no one has yet said to me “you are huge” because I have a comeback all ready. Damn polite Portlanders, keeping me from busting out with: “I’m having twins, what’s your excuse?”

    nonlineargirl’s last blog post..Cut Corner Calculus

  3. That would be awesome except that I’M NOT PREGNANT. I just like empire waists, y’all.

    Also, because of my horrible title my “recent comments” thingy on my sidebar is like 8 miles long. And I thought I published this yesterday so now the timeline doesn’t even make sense because it’s implying I’m working on Saturday. I really need a personal assistant. One that’s HUGELY pregnant so by comparison I look twig-like and dainty and people keep offering me sandwiches.

  5. I’m not going to assume anyone is pregnant from now on. Instead, I’ll just assume they’re fat. So, I won’t ask how far along they are or when are they due… I’ll just say “whoa, you’re huge! How much weight have you put on recently???” and then people will be happy to say that no, they’re just pregnant.

    And then I’ll apologize profusely. Because they’re pregnant. Not ’cause I made a mistake.

  6. I will NEVER EVER ask anyone about being pregnant or when they’re due EVER unless I know for sure that they are really expecting. I’ve done it once, and it’s quite embarrassing when they’re all I”M NOT PREGNANT, BITCH!!!!

    Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Weekly Weigh-In Hiatus…

  8. Blame the motherfucking Girl Scouts. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve never had a kid but currently look about five months along thanks to those bitches and their DELICIOUS cookies!

  11. OH I did that to one of my boys teachers! But in my defence, she did have a baby over summer break and was still wearing maternity clothes! Being a woman you think I knew better! Oh well 🙂

  16. I, too, can’t stand the tummy patters, doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma or not. Pregnant women should be allowed to exist in their own space bubbles, which can be turned on and off like a forcefield. The space bubbles should also have the capability of flying…just so you can fly past the disability parking.

    Noob Mommy’s last blog post..The Ultimate Chute Fighting Smackdown

  18. I’m not blind, so I guess it’s OK for me to read this. I am horribly nearsighted, though, which means that I’m nearly blind unless I stick little bits of plastic in my eyes. Those little bits of plastic keep me from running into walls in comical ways. So, I guess I’m allowed to read this post as long as I’ve got my plastic eye bits in, right?

    So, when’s the baby due? (pat pat)

    Steve’s last blog post..Happy Equinox

  20. Swear to gods, this happened to me: was in line at drug store holding my 3 month old and the clerk asked me when I was due. Went on Weight Watchers the next day.

  21. It’s amazing how labor will take away all your social anxiety – even more than tequila will…. there were people putting their hands in my tw&t all over the place and I did not care… just get that alien outta me NOW!!!

  23. “I really need a personal assistant. One that’s HUGELY pregnant so by comparison I look twig-like and dainty and people keep offering me sandwiches.”

    I bet you could make money hiring people out for exactly that purpose.

    Steve’s last blog post..Happy Equinox

  25. also, do not comment on if you think they are having twins. I was ginormous and people always said “You’re only having one?”

    assholes.

    Margaret’s last blog post..Time

  26. About six weeks post-partum I was out with my single sister-in-law when some fellas approached and started talking to us. Out of the blue, my kind and loving SIL blurted out, “She’s pregnant!” when I totally wasn’t, though I still kinda looked like it, but that still didn’t give her any right to deny me the much needed flirtations of milf-seeking boys. Bitch.

  27. My sis was in some sort of horrible medical office waiting with other terribly sick people when that episode of Oprah came on. She said that they all started watching it and talking to each other and laughing and high-fiving – all these people with cancer and MS and Parkinsons. That is the magic of Oprah, people (and of people who give birth in the bank in their pants).

  29. I would have poked that woman in the eye with a blueberry muffin, rendering her blind in one eye and blueberry scented, making her a tasty treat for bears. Oh wait.. I totally don’t know if you live where bears wander the streets in search for blueberry scented food like they do here, so that may not work.

    Nevermind.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Peaceful Easy Feeling

  31. When DD was 2 weeks old this older asian chick at the sushi bar was like, wow, you did not wait v. long to get pregnant and I was like dude, I’m not even allowed to have sex yet, either I’m caring twins where I got pregnant with the 2nd one where I was already 7 months with the first (can that happen?) or my 2 week old baby has something majorly wrong w/ her and is too tiny and you should not say anything about it because I probably feel bad.

    They should teach about this in high school. Would be much more useful than french class.

    @ElizabethPW’s last blog post..ElizabethPW: already got 40 peeps signed up for next teleclass 4 mom biz owners (including lots peeps new to me, v. cool!) http://MompreneurCall.com

  32. I think it’s kind of flattering that people liked your vagina so much they had to come check it out. With so many rumors going around most hospitals, that fact that people heard about “the lady with nice nether lips in room X” is a good thing, right?

    emma’s last blog post..Pleasure Finds Friday: Ovetto Recycle Bin

  33. Empire waists were invented by the ruling class in the 1800s so that women could pretend they were pregnant while their wet nurses really were pregnant for them. Then when the wet nurse dried off the newborn and handed it over, the empire dresses were packed away. Go ahead, say ewwww if you want, but then the nursing part really wasn’t icky, because the nurses were wet for their own damn babies, not babies from their bosses’ vaginas. History speaks her own truth.

    Way to bring back imperialism, Jenny!

  34. It’s a standing rule I created for myself over 20 years ago, to never, ever as a woman when her baby is due. I have passed this, and other nuggets of wisdom on to other guys. I had no idea, that there were some women who needed the same advice.

    Other advice includes what to say when a woman changes hair styles. Yet another has to do with talking about a woman’s age. I won’t go into details, cuz this isn’t my blog.

  35. When I got married a few years ago my mom and I went to a local bridal store. It turned out to be full of the most adorably tiny women ever. When it was time for me to start trying on dresses, the fitter reached out, patted my stomach, and said “Are you due before or after your wedding?”

    So not only was I fat, but I was also loose.

    Lilah’s last blog post..St. Patty’s Day

  36. You do not need my comment.

    I just come by for the free comedy because everything is so fucking expensive these days.

    But, I always restrict myself to remarks about extremities, such as, “My what a lovely manicure you have!” or “Gawd! How did you get that stump?” or compliments on new hairdos or jewelry (unisex observations are always safe). I never mention anything associated with the space between the collarbone and the wrists/ankles. Much too dangerous, as a general rule.

    Oh, yes, I love you. But that’s for last night’s inadvertent stumble into your world and the snorting, coughing, incontinent reactions to your post and the comments of your minions.

    Speechless before your hilarity and that of your crew.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post.."Cat Gotchur Tongue?"

  37. You should definitely tell the next person (if there is one, heaven forbid) to make a comment like that to you to inspect your vagina and let you know if there is, indeed, a baby dropping from it. Or, you know, you could call her a twat waffle and be done with it.

    🙂

    Abby’s last blog post..Crap.

  38. I once asked a co-worker when she was due, because I remembered her telling me she was pregnant previously. Turned out she’d already had the baby like 3 months before I asked about her due date. Oops.

    Learned my lesson from that experience, big time.

  40. When I was a kid and my mother told me, repeatedly, that you should never make personal comments to people even if you think its a compliment. I didn’t get it.

    I got it when I told someone they lost weight, and they told me they had cancer. An object lesson that I wish I’d avoided.

    Noone ever asks me if I’m pregnant because I carry all my weight in my rear end, and last I checked we don’t carry babies there, thought its not a bad idea.

    I did however once have someone ask if I was a prostitute at a train station in brooklyn and try to offer me money. ( I was wearing Jeans and a sweatshirt, I can only assume he’d never seen one before).

    Amy’s last blog post..Stuck in the Car.

  41. Fuck Twitter. I tried to delete my account after watching a cartoon my friend made about how much Twitter sucks, and I got an error message saying I couldn’t delete my account! What is this? Nazi Germany??? I want to delete my GD Twitter account! Here’s the cartoon, in case you’re interested:

    http://georgiahardstark.tumblr.com/post/88286940/jonahray-twouble-with-twitters-a-cartoon

    Georgia’s last blog post..If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother

  42. Is there a way to never see the 2000 follower ‘you cna’t follow back’ message, because I think that is rude and I try to avoid rudeness in my life as much as possible. Maybe I should stay offline for a week when I am about to heit that mark? That may be a while from now? hmmm? any ideas?

    Juanita’s last blog post..#Google #Naked #Saturdays – The Rules

  46. I was at a garage sale once looking at toddler toys and the kind woman who was running it let me know she had all kinds of maternity clothes for sale, as well. I was all like, “Um, my one year-old is in the car”. Thanks, garage sale lady. I wanted to punch her in the vagina.

  47. Oh and my husband was in the car with my kid. I would never leave my kid in the car while shopping. I did have to help another woman who had her sleeping toddler in the front seat while the car was running and locked the doors! I had to ask the lady who’s sale it was for a wire hanger to unlock the door and do it quietly, so as not to wake the kid.

  48. I bought two really cute empire waist tunics that looked great in the catalog. When I got them home and tried them on, I looked like I was seconds away from giving birth. Empire waist should work on me, Stacy and Clinton said so. Damn it.

  49. When my wife was pregnant she complained, “I’m so fat. I have massive gas. I’m hungry all the time, think everyone is an idiot, and don’t feel like doing a damn thing.” I replied, “Welcome to my world. Welcome to my world.”

    Clairvoy’s last blog post..Broadmaker Assignment

  54. hey, sexy dream-date-on-wheels, is what i’d say if i saw you wheeling my way.

    (and if you were dragging yourself, i’d say, hellOOOO, easy lay. come to mama.)

  56. p.p.s. i thought i was commenting on a post where you discussed handicap spots and inadvertently attached the comments to this very unrelated post. i’m going to refuse to accept responsibility for having confused the appropriate comment-location and place it squarely on wordpress’s shoulders. and then i’m going to take it further and get overly irate that wordpress ends with an ‘s’ which makes it difficult to attach the possessive ‘s’ to it without making it look hissy. also, it’s the fault of wordpress (see?, wordpress, how i avoided your trap-in-the-floor with that little switch?! yeah, motherfuckers, take THAT) that my ass is too big for all of my pants and looks like a triangle.

    um. cool baby.

  58. Someone said that to me once, when my daughter was about 18 months old. I said, “Oh, I’m about 3 months along (pause for effect) in the 3 year probation I got for beating the shit out of the last person who asked me that.” The look on her face was awesome!

  59. I gave birth at a teaching hospital, and about 150 people walked in and asked if they could watch the delivery. Every time someone would ask, I said “Sure!” My husband was getting all kinds of pissed at me and asked me why I wanted all these people watching. I replied “First of all, shift change is in an hour and I won’t be having the baby by then. And, I’m pretty sure I’ll be having a c-section anyway, so it won’t matter.” I was right on both counts.

    So, recently, a coworker asked me if I was pregnant and I got to reply, “Nope, just fat, thanks for noticing and pointing it out.”

    a’s last blog post..Ponies

  60. I was emotionally eating after midnight for weeks because I had a surgery coming up. A janitor for the hotel on our block made the international sign for pregnancy, curving his hand out 25 feet to show my stomach, and I turned to him and yelled YOU ARE A VERY RUDE MAN. Now I ignore him which is great because he was always cruising me, pregnant or NOT. Rude.

    Suzy’s last blog post..It’s Everybody Can Bite me Friday!

  62. I usually wait until I hear a woman comment on her pregnancy before I say anything just to avoid getting beaten. Though you could always say, “Hey, are you pregnant? Because your boobs are huge!” That might be better… or it might get you fired for sexual harassment.

    Empire waists just make women look pregnant… even really, really skinny women look a little chubby in one.

    Bolie Williams IV’s last blog post..Obama (pbuh) gaffes…

  63. It could have been worse.

    I saw my mother-in-law after leaving the doctor, who had just told me I had miscarried at 28 weeks btw, and she patted my stomach and asked how I was feeling. Oh, do I need to mention that my husband had already told her the news? She’s a dick.

  64. I didn’t get that tweet. I guess they knew they couldn’t fool me! Or that I’m a stalker and that I’d find a way to know what you are doing every five minutes in 140 characters or less.

    Dingo’s last blog post..Red Read Well

  65. i am 6 mos. pregnant and am amazed by the courage/stupidity of people who ask me if i am. i wish i had the balls to start crying every time and say either, “why, do i LOOK pregnant?” or tell them that the fetus died and I have to carry it to full term and deliver. Not that that second would be funny, but it would teach them a lesson. i have a friend whose baby died after delivery, and for weeks when she walked around with a biggish postpartum belly, people would ask her when she was due.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Childcare Across the Ages

  67. This happened to me. Yup. On a cruise. So I had to run into the asshole every 5 minutes. He apologized non stop from Bermuda to San Juan.

    And I was only 9 months post partum. At four years, I don’t think the guy would have been having any of his own, any time soon.

    The Mother’s last blog post..There Will Be Blood

  69. You’re still on Twitter? Hell, I stopped following you the first time I saw you reply to someone. I was all “That’s clearly not Jenny. That’s a robo-Jenny. Wait. It would be awesome to follow a robo-Jenny. Maybe if I DM her she’ll send me links to crazy How-to-Cook-a-Squirrel videos.” But then she didn’t, so I unfollowed.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..I Still Have A Sense of Humour

  70. I have Cushing’s Disease and it makes me look pregnant. As a result I have long held the same policy about asking women if they’re pregnant: only if there is an actual baby coming out at the time. That is, until I went to work as an Emergency Department Nurse. Then, I asked EVERYONE. Drove my co-workers nuts that I took the policy so seriously. YOU NEVER KNOW! Just because someone LOOKS like a man doesn’t mean they really are… after all, I look pregnant and there’s no chance in hell that I am.

  71. I almost asked a young woman in my yoga class when she was due because I am in awe of someone who could do “happy baby pose” while in the third trimester. But then she switched positions and no way was she pregnant, so good thing I am too shy to talk to people I don’t really know even if we roll around on mats together once a week.

    I totally would never “unfollow” you. (How was that for sucking up? I am good.)

    annie’s last blog post..Tweeting

  72. Because the title to this post is soooooo huge, someone just asked my monitor if it is pregnant…..
    :-/

  73. If you suspect a woman is pregnant, but you can’t tell for sure, you should ask, “Hey, want to go get a beer?” If she says, “No thanks, I’m pregnant,” then you know she’s pregnant. If she says, “Sounds good,” then she’s probably not pregnant. Although she may be an alcoholic, in which case you just totally pointed it out to everyone and then offered to feed her addiction. Nice going, asshole.

    Evn’s last blog post..Pagan Go Bragh

  76. My husband did that once. He made the pregnant belly gesture over and over, smiled big and looked at me as if to say, “You know…”.

    Bastard. I don’t care if we WERE playing Charades. Or that his word was “Santa”. It hurt regardless.

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Vic’s Pixx and Mixx(ed breeds)

  77. I so hate being asked when “I’m due”! Damn fashions today – all those empire waists just lend themselves to the question!

  78. my mom is almost 50 and still having babies somehow…she got that all the time but i think everybody in her town just assumes she’s pregnant always
    once my little brother asked my stepdad when he was due. ha!

  79. Oh, blind people can read it, their computers talk to them. Screen readers are awesome for them, creepy for their sighted spouses.

    I was married to a blind man, but he wouldn’t read this, because he has no sense of humor.

    Think that’s bad, I’ve gone through chemo and infertility treatment – both which bloated me to pregnancy looking stages.

    I made rude terrible comments to the people, in the hopes they never again ask unless they see the vagina.

    kateanon’s last blog post..Graphic

  80. People, if you don’t stop reading The Bloggess, you’ll go blind.

  81. “You are not allowed to ask a woman about her pregnancy unless you physically see a baby being pushed out of her vagina.”

    Exactly! Those sick-fuck doctors are such perverts. What you do or don’t have up your whoha is none of their damn business

  84. When I was giving birth to my first after 12+ hours of labor, there were about 10 hospital people in my room during the two hour pushing phase. Toward the end, the desk nurse came in and asked if a touring group of nursing students could come in and see the baby be born. Please? They really really want to see a baby be born. And I said no. Then they acted like I was a bitch.

    At least they didn’t turn off my epidural.

  85. My husband has a long time theory that he never, ever says anything to a woman about being pregnant unless he can see a hand waving out from between her legs.

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Aunt Bernadine

  86. hahaha that is the funniest thing I have read ALL DAY! TG I am NOT BLIND!! 😀 Love it.
    PS. Dude, I doubt anyone is “leaving” you on twitter… Thanks for the laugh, I am still LAUGHING 😀

  87. With baby #2 I was like nine centimeters and clinging to the bedrail and FREAKING OUT and a man walked into the room and I swear I was snarling at him and thinking WHO IS THIS MOTHERFUCKER REMOVE HIM NOWWW!!!!! Later I learned it was the anesthesiologist leisurely checking out my chart and failing to get me my epidural. Maybe due to snarling. Hm.

    Maria’s last blog post..weekly winners – mar 14-21

  88. Recently I had someone I hadn’t seen in a while ask me if I was pregnant. I couldn’t even use the excuse that I’d had a baby ever, 4 years or otherwise.

    Really, I think it’s just because I used to be really skinny so any weight gain is completely obvious. Yeah, I’ll just stick with that excuse.

    This sort of thing always reminds me of the Boy Meets World episode where Topanga goes on a diet with Eric and doesn’t want anyone to know but then everyone thinks she’s pregnant and they throw her a surprise baby shower and then someone gives them a check for a lot of money and she has to come out and tell everyone that she’s just fat.

  90. I love empire waists when they aren’t really baggy and they fit right. Cover some of my belly and make my tits look EVEN BETTER than they normally do.

    My friend had a baby about 2 weeks before my wedding. She didn’t look prego but she certainly wasn’t her normal size. To this day, she thanks me for pairing her up with the groomsman that is at least 350 pounds. He made her look much skinnier.

  92. A few weeks ago a girl I work with made a comment about the size of my breasts. I was all unsure what to do with that one so I didn’t touch it, but now I see some of your readers think that’s an appropriate way to comment on a pregnancy. But then i remembered that last week she commented on my juicy Boo-Tay, so I’m guessing she just wants my body. Pregnant or not.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..Just Messin’ Around

  93. I like to wear empire waist tops just so somebody WILL think I’m pregnant. So much better than thinking I’m fat. I can’t wait for someone (otherwise known as my mother) to say, “when is the baby due” instead of “did you eat dessert again today?”

  94. And the lesson to learn today is when shaking out pants before washing, don’t be surprised if a baby comes out in addition to the expected socks.

    And what’s the random checkmark below the submit comment button? I want to uncheck it so bad…

  96. I remember reading a post you made about how if people posted their blog links you would put them on your blogroll. I just started my blog, but I am posting this in a shameless type of way to pimp my blog.

    In other commenting news, I have a few choice shirts that I feel make me look like I have a bump. And I’m waiting for the day that a stranger sees me on one of those shirt-wearing days and asks me when I’m due. Then I’ll tell them I’m just a Fatty McFatAss and that they can go park their Harley in someone else’s bike rack. Or something like that.

    Samantha’s last blog post..Twilight: Gayer than gay cowboys doing it in a tent

  97. Even if you tried doing that, it would only serve to triple your readership. Because as a group, we thrive on spite as much as complete insanity.

    And as for your actual post, I cannot imagine the situation in which I would spontaneously refer to a woman’s potential pregnancy without have written documentation in hand supporting my remark, which I could point to in case she took offense.

    But that’s only true if you don’t count situations in which I was just trying to fuck with someone’s head. Male or female.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Screw curing cancer, we’ve got robot ladies now!

  98. Well, if we women would just drop all that unsightly baby weight – or, hey, invent a pill that guarantees size 0 pregnancies – maybe Twitter wouldn’t tell people to leave us…hahaha.

  99. Oh God, I am a patter!
    I always ask though, because I know that most people don’t like to be touched by strangers.
    But it’s sort of like rubbing Buddah’s belly for good luck. And I always think in my head “good luck little baby, may all your days be good ones”.

    I think pregnant women are the most beautiful women there are.

    WTF’s with Twitter?

  102. Also? I want to subscribe. By email. I want to feel like you’re sending me things.

    Please indulge me and others like me by getting feedburner. (or something like it) It’s so simple even I did it.

    tammigirl’s last blog post..Kitten Goes To Hollywood

  104. Maybe she was actually complimenting you because you have the “glow” of a pregnant lady. I mean you have rainbows coming out of your boob and everything, so I’m pretty sure you glow.

  105. I ask all my friends when they’re going to deliver. . . . ?

    Maybe I should stop hanging out with the pimps and drug dealers at Italian pizza joints, huh…

    btw, I would think that “OMIGOD—MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!!” would have been a reasonable answer for you to have given, Jen.
    Either that or, “Have you seen the slimy POS fuck around here that knocked me up…?”

    Breeding empathy one comment at a time.

  106. I’m 12 weeks pregnant … I haven’t officially started showing yet but I do have a belly. Have for about two years. Some lady at work asked if I was pregnant…I said yes. I figured she’d heard the news (it’s not a secret). And she said … “I could totally tell…you’re definitely starting to show.”

    Um…yeah…back up before I slap you bitch.

    I wasn’t mad … just shocked that people are still that stupid.

    castocreations’s last blog post..I Must Have Great Credit

  107. leave TheBloggess

    …wait that doesn’t work in comments?

    Hoho, just kidding. This is my first time on your blog and the first thing I see is giving birth in public places and babies stuck in pant legs, so obviously I’m hooked.

    Phronk’s last blog post..Signing Off

  109. My baby was born last May. Two months before that, I wrote an exam, 7 months pregnant and having contractions. I was really big. Noticably pregnant; everyone in the room knew, and the exam invigilators were panic stricken, thinking I was going to give birth right there.

    I just wrote another exam a couple of weeks ago. Someone who’d been in my oh-so-pregnant exam sitting (last March) saw me standing by the classroom, waiting for the doors to be opened. She asked me if I’d had my baby yet. I can only assume she thinks I look exactly the same today as I did when I was 7-months pregnant last year.

    Yeah; I echo your sentiment. Wait until you see the baby emerging, and then just tell the woman that her baby is cute. Much better. Plus, you avoid any unnecessary injury she may choose to inflict on you when she realizes you just called her super-fat.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Irritation and Injuries

  111. Maybe Twitter is concerned about your high level of awesomeness and its potential for completely exploding people’s brains out of their head. Or that you may cause rioting in the street then the cops would be “all fuck” and have to strap on all of their riot gear because its really hard to beat up a hopped up Bloggess fan with that plastic visor in your face.

    Jane’s last blog post..I Should Totally Be Mayor

  112. Oh and as a side note empire waisted items should be purchased one to two sizes smaller than your usual size. It helps eliminate that “I’m due in five seconds” thing.

    Jane’s last blog post..I Should Totally Be Mayor

  113. When I was about 5 months pregnant with my twins (which means I looked like I was 8 months pregnant with a singleton) this dude at work ask me if I was pregnant. Now since I was so big and it was hard to miss I wasn’t offended at that. But what did make me want to kick him in the balls was when I answered “yes, with twins.” And he had the nerve to say “my condolences”.
    I think the law would have totally been on my side if I stabbed him.
    I think that raging pregnancy hormones is a valid defense

    P.S, I’m not getting any of your tweets anymore. I just now realized that. From the looks of that tip I think Twitter is getting all righteous and unfollowed you for me. How Rude.

    WM’s last blog post..It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

  114. I was at a bar with friends once and some guy that my friend was hitting on pulled her aside to ask her if she was “comfortable with the idea” of letting her pregnant friend drink…when she looked confused, he pointed her towards me and said, “you know, your pregnant friend. She shouldn’t be drinking.”

    *sigh*

    Yeah, I’m not pregnant. Just chubby. Asshole.

    Kate’s last blog post..Story Time!!

  117. I update my Twitter a LOT, and one day I got a text message Twitter reply that said, “STOP kristawilbur.” I replied to her with a big fat WTF, DUDE?! and she said, “Oh, sorry… Still getting the hang of twitter.” She was trying to stop getting text messages of my updates. Excuse me, but my tweets about how Starbucks ran out of coffee and how I left my cell phone at Kohl’s and how Kate from Jon and Kate Plus 8 is an evil devil are very important. And she wanted to not get those updates! The nerve!

    Krista’s last blog post..Corrupting the youth of America, one babysitting job at a time

  118. I’ve actually had pregnant women grab my hand and put it on their belly to let me feel the baby kicking. In their enthusiasm to share the miracle of fetal life with me, they failed to pay attention to just where they were putting my hand. Not that things got too intimate, but I felt much closer to them afterwards…

    Fortunately for both of us, the miracle of fetal life is, in fact, pretty damn amazing and is what I was focusing on.

    Bolie Williams IV’s last blog post..Kirin II

  119. one time, when i wasnt pregnant, this crazy lady at my work was like “hey, what are you pregnant or something?” and i said “um, no.” and she said, “are you sure? you look a lot fatter” and i was like, “YES IM SURE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? THIS IS WHY THEY MAKE HOMES FOR OLD PEOPLE, SO YOU DON’T SIT AROUND IN PUBLIC BEING COMPLETELY INSULTING!!!”

    6 months laster she died.

    6 months after that i got pregnant.

    and fat.

    katie’s last blog post..two years

  120. oh that reminds me.. this other time when i wasnt pregnant, i dressed up like a pregant lady for halloween. which was a BRILLANT costume until i got really drunk and some guy started freaking out on me to go back to my trailer and get ready to have my premature fetal alcohol syndrome baby. costume not so evident apparently.

    i was wearing a dress so i basically had to get naked to show him it was just a pillow and saran wrap.

    luckily i was drunk so getting naked came pretty easily.

    ha. came pretty easily. thats what she said.

  121. when Bear got himself snipped, the doctor brought a group of fellows in to watch the procedure. His quote for the experience, “God, I am so glad I am not a woman. I mean, having my junk on display is bad enough but, at least it was a bunch of women. I mean, if I was a chick, I would totally be freaked out by a bunch of dudes, checking out my stuff.”

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: The Boo-hoo Edition

  122. At the open house at my kid’s school, my daughter (4 years old) walked up to another parent and said, “When is the baby coming?” I could tell the woman was not pregnant. That whole idea of mothers eating their young? Yeah, it was made for these moments.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Spring Fever

  124. How *dare* she!

    Give the bitch some adult diapers and denture glue. STAT.

  125. Hmm. The alcoholic thing isn’t working. It’s fine to have a beer when pregnant. The extremist view on it is just a way for some women to feel self righteous about something that’s not actually a danger. Bring on the freak outs, but the grand majority of the world is with me on this.

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

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