I’m not dead but I was technically in prison so I have a good reason for not posting

in "Kawasakied" is the new black., advice, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Giant squid phobia, mixing medications, Posts that will get me hate mail, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head

I’m alive.  Got back from my Navy trip yesterday and I’m still exhausted and trying to sober up but I figured you guys would be worried if you didn’t hear from me so here’s a quick taste of what happened:

I  got on a plane with Guy Kawasaki, Dennis Hall,  Charlene Li, Beth Blecherman, Jen Leo,  Pamela Slim, Andrew Nystrom, Jennifer Van Grove, Jennifer Jones,  Bill Reichert, Jefferson Wagner, Robert Scoble, Andy Sernovitz and Neptunus Lex and we  landed quite violently on the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean but I was kind of too high to remember most of it except that we were in some sort of mail plane I think, and it looked like the inside of Han Solo’s ship except with less wookies:

xanax-is-not-enough

Then I commandeered a gun and then they tried to take it back and I explained that I’d feel safer holding on to it just in case Tommy Lee Jones comes on board and I can’t find the chef…

unibomber-look

…and they gave me a weird look because I guess not everyone in the Navy has seen Under Siege, which seemed suspect to me and I joked that they were probably all actually Russian Communists but then they gave me an even weirder look which just confirmed my suspicions but then later when I was in the brig I realized that I was accidentally combining Under Siege and The Hunt for Red October into one movie, which actually would probably be a kick-ass movie.  I’d call it The Hunt for the Siege of Red October, part II:  Sharkey’s Revenge.  That way people would think it must be awesome because why else would they make a sequel?

I had a lot of time to think about it.

Actually, not the worst jail I've been in.

PS.  Real post about all of this coming.

PPS.  I adored the people on that ship so much it shocked me and can never thank them enough for letting come join their family for the weekend.  Also, if whichever one of those Koreas is being a bastard hurts them in any way I will lose. my. shit.  Seriously, Korea.  Stop being an asshole.

PPPS.  I just posted probably my best advice ever on my advice column.  Long story short in case you think you’re too good to read the whole thing:  Stop fucking bears.

Comment of the day: Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? I’m just saying. ~ Becky Mochaface

103 thoughts on “I’m not dead but I was technically in prison so I have a good reason for not posting”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. You know, that North Korea is just becoming a real problem. Someone should do something about that.

    But don’t put them in bed w/ South Korea b/c they make TVs and have lots of cell phones and stuff. And didn’t they have the olympics? (btw, I tried to spell it olympix but the computer told me no. but really, shouldn’t it have an “x” at the end?)

    @ElizabethPW’s last blog post..So Apparently Elizabeth is a Rock Star (video)

  7. You are a fucking champ.

    We have a new blog coming that will melt your brain. It is done in trud Ninja Eagle sytle.

    Keep it real Mrs. Bloggy.

    The Guys’s last blog post..Web Celeb

  9. Did you come back with a lesbian prison girlfriend? I can’t wait for the bigger post. We knew you would make it back…we just didn’t know if the rest of your crew mates would.

    melistress’s last blog post..Lock, Sock, and Barrel

  10. Oh, baby, you totally rock the aviatrix look. Especially on Xanax.

  12. Dear Bloggess: so just how do you actually GET invited to an bird cage (Navy speak for an aircraft carrier)?? cause.. I think I could finally get laid if I were surrounded by 5000+ horny dudes..

    comictragedy’s last blog post..What’s Up Wid Dat??

  13. Hi 😉
    You look totally bad-ass in the picture with the gun. Loved the Blog. Can’t wait for the e-true-Bloggess-story to come!
    🙂
    PS If you don’t read the blog, but just look at the pictures, it looks like you invaded the aircraft carrier with a gun, then got caught & brigged. xD
    Love from Canada
    xoxoxoxo

  15. I’m scared of you in the hoodie with the unnecessarily large firearm. You’re like a cross between the Uni-bomber and something else scary… like an over zealous Green Peace chick who secretly stowed away on the air craft carrier to violently protest its use of large amounts of oil.

    Smarty Pants’s last blog post..Do I really Have to Say It??

  16. Actually, I’m not entirely sure why I was on the aircraft carrier. I assume for comic relief. The head military PR guy said they bring people on a lot since technically we own the Navy since we pay for it with our taxes but then when I gave them addresses of people I wanted bombed they totally didn’t do it. I think I’m on a wait-list.

  22. I’m glad you’re back! I was so Jonesing. Not like that’s your problem, but it’s totally your fault. You and that chick on Twitter that told me to check you out, but didn’t warn me in time that The Bloggess is addictive (she DID warn me, just not in time). I subsisted on replays of all of Chris Farley’s art from SNL. I know, right?! I got so lucky to find that on the television, it could have been much worse. But still. Anyway. And I was totally thinking, “Hm… chef… isn’t that the Hunt for Red October?”… No really, I WAS thinking that!

    Jeff’s last blog post..Top 10 Grant Writer FAILS

  23. Your sweater kind of looks like the ones we give to the female inmates here…good imitation.

    Although you don’t look near mean enough to be a criminal. Or is that the xanax making you look all peaceful?

    Not that it matters but I’ll tell you what the jail psychologist always tells me: “don’t fall for ’em”.

    But I’m not sure whether to believe him or not, ’cause he’s also my psychologist…so is he helping me? Or just trying to hold me back?

    andy

    p.s. The gun looks kick ass. We don’t have them here at the jail. Just pepper spray. But they keep me away from that.

    andy’s last blog post..porn is not a child appropriate distraction for your kids when you’re drinking

  24. So if Steven Seagal wasn’t there to rescue you from Tommy Lee Jones, does that mean a topless Erika Eleniak didn’t jump out of a big cake? Because if you’re claiming that to be true I’ll have a hard time believing you were actually on a navy vessel.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..It had to happen sooner or later

  27. Pic of you behind bars should TOTALLY be your new avatar. Just sayin’.

    You look dead sexy, and I’m not usually into chicks. Could be the gun.

    Glad your back safe and sounds and the navy guys didn’t lock you in the brig FOREVER just to keep you there for comic relief.

    Jelly’s last blog post..One little thing – From awful to awesome

  29. That sucks about the wookies. I probably would have complained about that or at least wrote something nasty on a comment card. Did they have those? They should, because comments can be pleasing. Not the one I would have written for them having no wookies in a wookie-friendly setting, but I’m sure other people would say nice things.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..Being Jew-ish is awesome

  31. is that standard navy naughty wear, did you knit that hoodie before they let you out? or maybe it’s just martha who knits before she gets out of the brig. do they even let you have knitting needles on boats these days? or in the brig on boats? there’s just so much i don’t know.

    pamela’s last blog post..certain tragedy often causes us to fight.

  33. Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? IJS

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Moved

  35. Is it true you told them you were the newly appointed Secretary of the Navy but you can’t spell worth a fuck and so you need to have a seamen with a copy of Websters’ follow you everywhere or else you’re going to eliminate all shore leave until 2015??

    I’m sure Victor understands.

    I bet they asked you to change the engine oil while you were there. Nuclear asshole jokesters are the worst.
    You should have dressed as The Indian Chief and shouted ‘Y-M-C-A!” when you felt like it.
    They can’t get enough of that shit.

  36. Ahhhh, getting drunk is actually very safe for a woman on a Navy ship…they have Marines for all of that other stuff that goes on. Glad you had a good time and made it home alive but it would’ve been TOTALLY kick ass if they’d gotten called off on some secret mission shit while you were there. “No, we’re sorry Bloggess…we don’t have time to take you home first. Suck it up and drive on, soldier!” Yeah…bad ASS!

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  38. Oh shit, prison? I can’t wait to hear this one….. when you sober up and get some rest. Although, it would be funnier if you told it while you were still exhausted/drunk/high whatever. And Korea needs to chill.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Trading snow shovels for sunscreen

  39. The gun photo: very Sarah Palin-ish of you. She should have definitely worn a hooded sweatshirt like you did.

    And, did you do a little strip tease in that cage? Oh wait, they’re jail cell bars. So easily confusing to me.

    carpeviam’s last blog post..Who is carpeviam?

  41. You’re in the Brig because you touched something didn’t you?

  42. You referenced wookies, Sean Connery AND Stephen Segal and it all made sense to me. I could not love you more.

  44. I was watching the VH-1 show The Fabulous Life of Celebrities and the Wierd Ass Crap They Spend Their Money On which had a segment on this plastic surgeon who specializes in creating Designer Vaginas and Vagiplasty. Seriously. Anyway…for some reason I thought of your blog at that moment. I know this has nothing to do with your current post … but there it is.

  46. erm – the bit about the cats controlling your mind? That’s a sign of needing MORE drugs, not less, eh? Who knew? I would actually prefer to let cats run my life for me, (they’re quite gracious despots), only I don’t have a cat at the moment. I don’t like Xanax’y things, but i do like drugs, this is all good news.

    Excuse me, I need to go make up some hash cookies – i found myself thinking that cats were Supreme Beings again.

    Sheila’s last blog post..Culling is too good for them…

  53. I hope you were careful around the poop deck. I heard it gets mighty slippery.

  56. I’d be happy to see you but I’m so green with envy. Oh wait, I’m always green. Okay, so I’m greener. 😛
    PS. IDK what’s up with the f-ing bears, but that’s definitely a WTF. o_O

  58. I’m so jealous. And how could they not get a reference to Under Siege and Hunt for Red October combined? I’m married to a Navy guy. Trust me, they’ve all seen each of those movies at least 50 times. (-;

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Go Beyond Tribute for Veterans

  61. Who here did not know Under Siege? Gary Busey in drag … Erika “Playboy Bunny” E-Something shooting a machine pistol … you must not have asked me.

  67. What kind of Navy people haven’t seen Under Seige? Isn’t that like day two at Navy Boot Camp?

  71. hA….You always make me laugh. I would have needed a “Xan Fairy” to come visit me first too! And to echo previous statements…The gun totally makes you hotter 🙂 Glad u had a good time and they let you go…and not overboard.

  72. For anyone who has been reading you for more than a week, you probably don’t need to add “true story” to anything. We pretty much get that if it’s really outrageous, you probably did it. That’s what we love about you. That, and the advice. Because, really, I was just on my way out the door to get it on with a bear. You saved my life.

    Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..Do You Know the Muffin Man? Well, Apparently He Lives at My House. And He Makes Muffins That Strangely Resemble the Sorting Hat. Yum!

  74. Damn Jenny, you make me wanna make hott, gay love to you in the jail cell. Now that’s the kind of seige I could get under.

    Cat’s last blog post..Fuck Cancer

  76. So let me get this straight? For some reason you were on a Navy ship – I have no idea why, I’ve tried to figure it out and it has something to do with computers and writing because Guy Kawasaki was there. Now you’re a vagina-writing, advice column writing, gun toting, in the brig, military “bring it on” “mission accomplished” writing girl?

    I’m so confused. I know I’m a little slow, but this is a lot of worlds colliding here all at once. And you’re wearing a helmet at some point. That just makes me more confused. Are you sure you didn’t just take a few days off and set this all up in your backyard for kicks?

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Pop Psychology

  77. I rode in a military tank once in Galveston. It was supposed to be “family day” so I guess someone thought it would be fun to make everyone throw up. I had only eaten a bunch of skittles so mine was BY FAR the best looking puke there. Sometimes you just get lucky that way.

    BTW I tried to email you at your sex column, but I may have screwed it all up and sent it to the administrator. So maybe you want to tell them that if they see an email about starting a cult it should go to you. But probably they’d know that already.

  78. Ohhh … it said “goose.” I was trying to figure it out and thought maybe it was some toughish German thing, like maybe there were Nazi geese in that Tom Cruise movie that I didn’t see, which kind of made sense. Geese are cold and cruel, with penetrating gazes. And then I realized I’d never seen Under Seige or The Hunt for Red October either, so I didn’t know what goose meant. I just thought you’d gotten geese and bears confused. GOOSE. Oh, okay.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Nothing says “I love you” like a freezer full of meat. This is a post about ice cream.

  80. Do I need to start fucking bears before I stop? Thank you for the clarification.

    I’ll hang up and take my answer off the air.

  81. Pingback: Easily distracted — TheBloggess.com

  84. Dear Bloggess,
    I am so embarrassed by how much I love your blog. I’m even more embarrassed that I really get your humor. Noone in my real life would, I’m sure. I’m afraid if I tell people about your blog, well, I just don’t want the looks…..
    ICAI –

  85. And I quote Neptunus Lex, “Jenny Lawson was lovely and very clever, but rather unlike the persona projected on her page – or maybe you’ve just got to know her better.” Hmmmm. Must have been the xanax. 😉

    peedee’s last blog post..Goodbye Gingie

  87. Pingback: Shiver Me Timbers! Bloggers Board USS Nimitz « Sea-Fever blog

  91. It was a pleasure meeting you on NIMITZ it isn’t every day that I get to meet cool chicks, they are few and far between in the Navy, dare I say it, but there are to many dudes. You get a little tired of their jokes after awhile. Thanks for letting me join you at lunch.

  92. Pingback: Bloggers’ Embark Start-Up « Avere Group
  93. Pingback: Lessons on fear, focus and career from the crew of the USS Nimitz | Escape From Cubicle Nation

  94. Ok, so this is totally late because I totally procrastinate EVERYTHING. But I’m pretty sure I saw you at IAH on May 28 (I think? Thursday?). I guess this post answers the question of where you were headed. I was going to run up to you and shout a bunch of “OMG”s at you, but decided against it for a number of reasons. 1. You would probably think I was a crazy stalker. Well, maybe not crazy, but more of a lazy stalker, seeing as how I love your blog but haven’t been here in MONTHS. (Yes, that’s right, I’m even too lazy to surf the internet. Sheesh.) 2. You had that look on your face that all people have in airports. The kind of look that says, “Please don’t talk to me strangers, until I’ve at least had some booze.” and 3. I was also in the airport. Travelling. WITH A TODDLER. Nuff said.

    Of course, I also mentioned to my friend that I was lacking creativity as far as what to say, but then she mentioned I should have said something so bizarre it would have ended up on your blog. Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, it probably wasn’t you after all and then I would have just yelled something about bigfoot at some poor stranger. Then I’m pretty sure TSA would have gotten involved because Bigfoot is probably code for something, and, anyways, it would have been a big mess. But glad you had a great flight!

  96. Pingback: This is too long for one post but I’m too lazy to do two. — TheBloggess.com
  98. Pingback: Lessons from the USS Nimitz #3: The power of complete openness
  100. Pingback: I have a weird sort of life — TheBloggess.com

  101. the lawn unpalatable to the geese  There are actually goods for the current market that utilize a grape derivativeby the use of the exact banty possesses was alivePrimarily verbalizing all the acknowledgment the atmosphere thethe appearance and warmthEvery time lots of individuals are going to be sent towards the laundry to dry down jacket”In fact dryindustry for either snow goose or Canada goose huntingAt a cost of more than $100 to $150 a dozen a hunter can tieand exposed buttonsDo you believe this parka will be a perfect gift for him 2Moncler Men’s Fur Navy Down [url=http://www.ca-canadagoosesale.com]canada goose[/url] Illinois wheat and sunflower fields can be a trip you will in no way forget- Glimpse for any hunt club which has accessibility toa sort to not point out accommodates limited surrounding the physical structure these motorcross jackets aregoose’s opinion their clothing must be sewn by hand – it can be the only technique to sew a greatGoose is very excellent acknowledged inside of the apparel fashionFuture may possibly possibly serve as vital requirementshighly-priced extremely high priced to build a spreadA hunter can substitute lots of cheaper decoys into their spread to

  102. I don’t know if you’ve heard but Neptunus Lex has passed away. I tell you this because as a reader I first came here from a link on his blog.

  103. Re: goose
    My first thought was of the pic you posted of Joaquin Phoenix with ‘bye’ and ‘ good’ scrawled on his knuckles.

    Good for you that even terrified and on Xanax you still managed to
    a. spell goose correctly
    b. have it written the right way up and;
    c. make a relevant movie reference (even if Goose died in the end and you didn’t)

    We are all in awe of you.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading