So the other day Victor was talking about Necromancers except that he was saying something wrong about them and I can’t remember what it was because I didn’t write that part down but I do know that he started yelling at me in the middle of a crowded movie theater that I didn’t know what a necromancer was and I’m all “THE FUCK I DON’T” and he’s all “Fine. What’s a necromanther?” and I’m all “Well I don’t know because that word doesn’t exist” and he’s all “I will walk out of this theater” and I’m all “Why? Because my ability to identify a necromancer is making you so mad that you’re losing your ability to pronounce shit correctly?” and he’s all “I will stab you right here in front of God and everybody”. Then I’m all “Just because you know that I know what a necromanther is” and then in my head I’m all “Fuck. I cannot believe that I just said ‘necromanther’ too” and I thought maybe he wouldn’t notice but he crossed his arms and gave me this smug look with one eyebrow raised and he’s all “Fine. What’s a necromanther?” I’m all “It’s…half dead person, half…panther.” Then the person in front of us turned around and looked at me like “WTF?” and I’m all “I also know what a necromancer is”. Then the movie started and Victor just shook his head like he didn’t believe me and the guy in front turned back around and I’m all “I actually have a large vocabulary” and then the guy in front cleared his throat like he wanted me to be quiet and I’m all “Dude. You are wearing a scarf with a t-shirt. You don’t get to judge me” except I didn’t say it out loud because I’m nonconfrontational. Also, I just wrote “nonconfrontational” and spellcheck is all “That word doesn’t exist” but was totally cool with the word “necromanther” which I think I just convinced spellcheck is a real thing.
And speaking of panthers, yesterday Victor mentioned how it was good that there weren’t any vampire horses around because they would be super creepy even if they were friendly and were just smiling at you and I’m all “Yeah, but you know who does have vampire fangs and drinks blood? Fucking panthers, that’s who.” And he’s all “Panthers don’t drink blood” and I’m all “What do you think they eat? Cheese pies?” and he’s all “They drink water, dumb-ass” and I’m all “And they drink blood when they eat their prey. Plus?! They die if you shoot them with a silver bullet so that’s even proofier” and he’s all “What the hell? Are you talking about werewolves?” and I’m all “I’M TALKING ABOUT VAMPIRE PANTHERS”. Then the stewardess came by and asked me to keep my voice down and I’m sorry but that’s what’s going to happen when you seat me and my husband in two different rows.
Are you still here? Because this whole post is kind of giving me a headache and it’s about to get even more convoluted because I’m leaving for the Blogher conference in Chicago day after tomorrow and I usually end up unintentionally causing drama so I just want to take this opportunity to apologize in advance for whatever your problem is, whore. Also, I’m just kidding about calling you a whore in my apology. Probably. I guess it depends on who you are. Please leave your grievances with me in the comment section so I can be prepared. Also, remember that Blogher is all about what you bring to it so my advice to you is to bring lots of booze. And if you forget, just remember that the night before Blogher is The People’s Party (Thursday) and everyone is invited. This means you.
Free drinks and swag while it lasts but bring cash because so far we’ve had like 700 people RSVP so we’ll probably run out of booze money the day before while we’re still setting up. Unless there isn’t going to be an open bar for us during set-up. Then I’ll be downstairs at the bar while everyone else sets up. Also, before you go to the People’s Party stop by the Social Luxe pre-party for some pampering. At 4pm (also on Thursday) Tanis, Michelle and I are presenting the award for “The Funniest Blog” and none of us even got into the finals so Tanis and Michelle are going to set the stage on fire and I’m going to punch whoever wins. We haven’t really discussed it but I’m pretty sure once I start punching they’ll figure out the game plan. I am, however, in the finals for “Most Provocative Blog“, which shocked me until I actually looked up the word “provocative”, which apparently also means “to incite anger, to be purposely annoying”. So basically there is no way I’m not winning that award.
Aren’t you tired of hearing about Blogher? Me too, but I’m not done yet. I’m apparently speaking on Saturday at a panel so you should come. I think we’re talking about ninjas.
Also, to combat my anxiety disorder I will be on a lot of xanax so I blame all the dumb stuff I’m going to do on that. Also, please come talk to me because I spend a shocking amount of time wandering around looking for people I recognize but no one ever recognizes me and then I remember that I’m wearing a disguise because of the anxiety disorder. So in order to make things easier, here are my three looks for the conference.
Look one: relatively normal me.
Look 2: Jenny-Lewis-after-one-beer-bong:
Look 3: I-thought-this-wig-was-all-Pretty-Woman-hookerish-when-I bought-it-but-now-it-looks-all-Sharon-Osborne-as-a-cougar-and-also -why-am-I-wearing-Mrs.-Ropers-house-dress?:
Also, just to make this post even longer and more unweildy I’d like to give a shout out to the sponsors of The People’s Party, without whom we would all have to meet each other sober. There should be pictures of them all here but my computer keeps crashing so instead it’s a kick-ass list of people who want to buy you a drink if you get there before all the drink tickets are gone: PBS Sprout, Crocs, bTrendie, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, Gerber, DisneyWorld Moms, Magic Beans, PNN.com, Disney on Ice, Yummie Tummie, Kirtsy, Mom Central, Smashies, One 2 One Network, 3 smart girlz and more. Also, the uber-hot Chris Mann will be performing live at the party in spite of the fact that I once drunkenly told him I suspected he was a serial killer. This would all be more awkward if I wasn’t planning on hiding in the bathroom throughout the entire party.
Comment of the day: I find that adding whore to the end of everything, be it apology or praise, shows people you really mean what you say.
Love the post, whore. ~Just Shireen
“relatively normal” is a beautiful look for you – best hair, best top and neckline (great cleavage! I think that’s a great look anywhere.) I alway say, if you go to the trouble of wearing a wig, it should be blue. Right? Only makes sense.
Congrats and good luck on guest speaking! Have a great time! Would love to meet you – can’t imagine who would win the award for funniest blogger if it’s not you. Do punch them.
Ungirdled Passion’s last blog post..Symptoms of Menopause, Perimenopause, & Jabba The Hutt Syndrome
Girl, I will find you there….be prepared…and sort of worried. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I’m glad I don’t do drugs like you do.
father muskrat’s last blog post..wordless wednesday (brought to you by church punk mom)
Unleash the panthers! I have been thinking a lot about panthers since “Team America World Police” came out on DVD and now there is totally a panther/black cat hanging out at my boyfriends apartment. We take pictures of him and send them to eachother because we are awesome but now I’m going to be suspicious! America, F*CK YEAH!
I like the cleavage in the deer in headlights photo. Um, what exactly did you mean by “headlights?”
I’ll be a Blogher newbie. I might have to pack Depends since I’ll be on the verge of peeing in my pants the whole time (and that’s without the booze).
Will there be an open Xanax bar? Also, I’m wearing a tube top.
Whit’s last blog post..It Was Twenty Years Ago Today
I want you to know I’m offended you called me a “whore” and not a “slut” when I don’t do any compensated PR posts on my blog. I basically give that shit away for free, thus “slut” and not “whore”. Consider yourself prepared for BlogHer. Except I won’t be there, so who cares.
since i came in 8th in the Funniest Blogger contest (proudly behind #7 Barefoot Foodie who rocksss) I am hereby congratulating you on the whole burning of the stage thing. I won’t be there to squirt extra lighter fluid on, as a result of my too-late attempt to get a ticket. (plus my anxiety disorder would put me in a virtual drooly coma- especially if i were meeting you, Tanis, Michelle, BFoodie and you other comedic geniuses). Have fun tho! I am thinking of paying people to shoplift me some extra swag.
marymac’s last blog post..Funniest Crap on the Internet
I also hate you that you get 6 comments in the 30 seconds it took me to type my comment. Whore.
I wish I was creative and funny enough to start a blog.Blogher sounds like a really great time. I am a great listener but listening doesn’t come across well on the internet.
for a second there i was gonna say that we should get married but then i realized our kids would be really fucked up.
I guess we both have husband too but whatever. Like they wouldn’t dig it.
If you like, I can be your cabana girl at the People’s Party, or perhaps I should say bathroom girl since it sounds like that’s where you’ll be most of the time. I’ll fluff your confidence wig, fetch you cocktails and whisper affirmations in your ear if you start to feel angsty.
This year I am bringing my own flask because last year I always showed up after the drink tickets were gone. See you in the bathroom! 😉
sizzle’s last blog post..Counting Down
So explain to me now why Victor hasn’t buried you in the basement? :o)
I am officially nervous and intimidated. Officially. Can I bring my cat? He’s a Siamese, so his ears are black, and therefore kind of look like panther ears? Also, he has fangs? That would make me less nervous. Maybe I’ll bring him. You bring Rolly. They’ll totally hit it off.
Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..Update To The Book List That Ate My Bank Account
Make sure you make movies for us poor folk who won’t be there especially the funniest blogger award that you will give out in the bathroom
habanerogal’s last blog post..Beaver-time in Utah
Either the first or second one.
But, much more importantly, there’s totally a dinosaur hiding behind you. No, don’t look around. Just, just get up slowly. When I say go, run for the kitchen. Trust me, I saw Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs hate kitchens. OK, go!
Steve’s last blog post..Crop Circles
You want grievances? I’ve got grievances. But, I’ll just accept your apology in advance and let bygones be bygones. Or maybe I’ll let still to comes be bygones. If I haven’t unravelled time by the end of this comment, then I’m not working hard enough. I apologize.
a’s last blog post..Show and Tell
In the last photo, the wig makes you look Orthodox. I’m not sure that’s the look you want. Maybe you should light some Shabbat candles, just in case, Bloggessiwitz.
Marinka’s last blog post..Fear of Dying
I am crying from the laughing. You are one of those people I want to have as my new best friend but that always comes off creepy. But don’t be alarmed if I stalk you a little. If I recognize you, I mean. Also, maybe you don’t like to relive the drama and it’s totally tacky to mention it and I also wasn’t even at BlogHer last year so I am clinging to drama not my own, but *I* totally am a hobbit. I allude to it in my post today. I have hairy toes. They are gross but I usually manage to sort of shave them. Please don’t stare when we meet.
Briar’s last blog post..things you might want to know if you are meeting me in person (including my name)
Knock them dead girl!!!
I’ve been tasked by Cluck and Tweet (fellow Michiganders) as follows:
“I really just want info on Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. That would make my life complete. I love The Bloggess. Nancy W. Kappes kind of scares me, however.”
I have no expectations other than panicking because I only know, and I use the term “know” loosely, about five bloggers going to BlogHer09 and I doubt they’ll be looking for me at the People’s Party. This extreme introvert who has worked from home for the last 5 years and rarely ventures out of the house is going to a conference with 1,499 other women? I must be insane.
Pop and Ice’s last blog post..Grazing in the grass is a gas, Baby can you dig it?
Every time you mention confidence wigs and hiding in bathrooms I want to know more, but then when I try to search your site I have to ask Paul how to do that and then it gives me all this RANDOM ORDER crap so first it’s the post I just read, then a link to a post from 2006, then two more from 2009, then one from 2008, and OMG forget it.
This time I persevered long enough to find some really good posts on the GAD, but nothing yet about how you hit upon the idea of confidence wigs, and where you buy the wigs, and whether they’re uncomfortably warm to wear, like hats. Because I want to try it and see if it makes me able to sign up for things like BlogHer.
Swistle’s last blog post..On a Quest. May Give Tattoo Party a Shot. Explain Later.
(This is Jenny. I’m answering this in the comment because otherwise I’m going to get confused. I wear confidence wigs when I’m scared because if I fuck something up I can pretend it was someone else and then go change into another wig and be all “Who the fuck was that and why was she so drunk?” Also, yes. They are uncomfortably hot but totally worth it. I completely recommend one.)
I can’t believe people take blogs so seriously that there are conventions or whatever “blogher” is and stuff.
Just found your blog through Tremendous News through Twitter. Honestly, I read the first few paragraphs and was laughing so hard I almost woke my baby (she’s sleeping up against my thigh) but then I started to skim and went to the photos with captions and didn’t read much else.
That said, I’m feedly’ing it because I did so enjoy those first few paragraphs. Glad I found your stuff. 🙂
SereneBabe’s last blog post..God
Jenny! Love the looks – but your Mac shouldn’t be crashing. Try running “repair permissions” – part of Disk Utility in the Utilities folder in your Applications folder. Also, try dumping your browser’s cache. I can’t remember the last time my Mac crashed – maybe months ago – good luck! And have a blast at Blogher!
That’s just “aspiring whore”. But thanks for trying to make me feel successful.
I know I’ve said this already, but I really, REALLY wish we could go to the People’s Party. We were just one week off in our Chicago visit.
I’m going to BlogHer. I don’t have a confidence wig. I don’t have time to get a haircut before I live for Chicago. I don’t want to stand in a huge line for a free hairdo makeover either. Since you’re the lighter fluid pro, If you see me, just set may hair on fire and then I won’t have to worry about a new hairstyle or lack of confidence wig. Think of the publicity you will generate for your goodwill and hairstyling skills. Or a jail term. Your choice.
Condo Blues’s last blog post..I Made a Polka Dot Buttercup Bag!
I so wish I was going to BlogHer because I’d be right there with you ready and waiting to punch whoever wins Funniest Blog in the face. Really, people. 2000 votes? Come on. Just admit it. You (you being them – the top 5) created many, many new email accounts for yourself, parked your ass at a local university computer lab and spent the better part of a month traveling from station to station voting, voting and voting again. Too bad I didn’t think of it sooner…
Kami Lewis Levin’s last blog post..When You Are PR
That first paragraph made me laugh so hard I cried. I forced my husband to listen to me read it out loud and it was even funnier. BlogHer is going to be awesome, and I will totally say hi to you.
Cara – The Well Rounded Woman’s last blog post..The Well Rounded Woman
How did you not make it into the finals for funniest blog? That just makes the whole thing worthless if you ask me. Which you didn’t. No one ever does. Also, I’m not going to Blogher and no those are not tears. It’s just sweat. I always sweat right under my eyes. ‘Cause I’m not even jealous that I can’t go. And plus you’re probably lucky that I’m not going because I would stalk the fuck out of you and also I have raging pregnant hormones right now so not only would I stalk you but I would probably molest you as well. So I guess it’s all for the best.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Dear Neighbor…
Cannot wait to see you at Blogher. I’ll be the frazzled-looking one who just moved into a new place, is surrounded by boxes, doesn’t even have her washer and dryer hooked up, and is leaving for Chicago in two freakin’ days!
Musingwoman’s last blog post..Your last road trip
If you don’t win then we’re all screwed because I think that award was literally created for you!
Remember to wear a lot of rings for when you need to punch the winner of the funniest blog award. The larger the better, but that shouldn’t be a problem in Texas.
LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..My local mall is taking inspiration from an Amsterdam brothel.
Can you steal me swag? I’m not going this year because of my college courses. WAAAAH!
Kyla’s last blog post..Adventures of KayTar: Episode #38
Yep, looks kind of Dexter to me too. “In the lady’s room with a swizzle stick.”
I’m annoyed you called Chriss Maaan (I am selecting my own double consonants) uber hot and now wonder if you are a sell-out for the Mann. Unless you do, in fact, think he is uber hot, in which case you are a truthteller, but them I’m, I don’t know, concerned about your discerning abilities and expertise in writing that sex column. I’m not going to turn you in, of course, just inviting you walk your talk and defend how hot he is. Bring it Mannfann.
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Giant Squid and Giant Jellyfish Means You Owe Al Gore an Apology
I will come find you in the People’s Party ladies room. Can’t wait to catch up! Should I bring a wig?
Lady M’s last blog post..Actual Educational Value Demonstrated
Hmm, I wonder what vampire horse would taste like. Hope your nightmares aren’t filled with vampire horses and clowns tonight; that disgusting ball of Idontwannaknow I removed to unclog the shower drain will fill mine tonight.
I guess that was my excuse for finishing off a bottle of red wine just now, considering it’s barely 2pm. I would so love to join you at Blogher, but I’m in Australia and the kangaroo I ride to uni every day would get lonely. Just kidding, I ate it a year ago. Also, I sent the private jet to Europe so it could be filled with cheap booze to bring back to me. I’m not alcoholic at all…
All I can see is the cleavage on look 1. So if I was going, I would just look for the cleavage. That would be easy in a sea of women, right?
Sam’s last blog post..Lazy Assed Blogger
So, is Victor real or is HE Tyler Durden?
Also? Wishing that the First Rule of Blogher is Don’t Ever Talk About Blogher. But I might just be drunk and bitter and all sour grapes and stuff.
um… have fun!
😀 <– totally fake smile.
harmzie’s last blog post..Chartreuse? Pear? Pistachio?
That last wig is just begging you to start your own production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. All you need now is a sequined dress and a dictionary of flapper slang and you’ll be set!
Liv’s last blog post..Are you dead or are you sleeping?
Jenny – Been thinking about your Mac – did the crashing start after you taught spellcheck the word “necromanther”? Because I don’t think Disk Utility can fix that. Also, if a vampire panther has given your Mac some sort of virus, Disk Utility won’t fix that, either. You might need an exorcism. Just saying.
I’m warning you in advance – no more of that mythical hobbit shit this year. Because it can cause Brow Furrowing and Great Consternation and if you try it again, the A-List Mafia is going to smash your ass like a bug. You won’t even know what hit you until your blog disappears and is replaced by a web page that features a blinking banner advertising herbal wart remover cream. Just sayin’
Whew. Well, I’m glad the vampire horses weren’t a part of the sex column. I don’t know if I could have handled that, yo!
Wish I could go to blogher, I’d even let you call me a whore and get away with it, just to be at blogher and in blogger-ville.
Gabrielle Valentine’s last blog post..And then I found a little site called Etsy. And…I like Owls? …Dammit?
In picture three, if you were just holding a bottle of boone’s farm by the neck you would be my crazy aunt that we mysteriously forget to invite to the family reunions. I’m pretty sure she has that same dress.
Just so you know, I read the 5 funniest blog nominees’ blogs and I didn’t laugh out loud once. You always get lol’s from me (and I usually get weird looks from whoever is in the room). Surely there is a lol factor in the judging process?
Also, I think maybe your husband has a stress induced lisp. That’s a thing, right? Next time he tries to argue, just pat him on the shoulder and say “Dear, I don’t wish to bring out your speech impediment” and then walk off and you’ll look like the smart one and also like you’re all caring and shit…
Natalie’s last blog post..WEIRD CRAP I’VE SEEN AROUND LATELY
You think you have stuff to apologize for in advance? What about me? I’m going to knock Chris Mann off the stage and then do karaoke versions of his songs that I don’t know the lyrics to so they’re all going to come out sounding like “Don’t Stop Believing” and that will be great, but there will Chris Mann be, lying in a pool of tragic tears that he didn’t think to do “Don’t Stop Believing” instead of whatever his songs are. And those tears, those are my fault.
Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Southern California Road Trip: Part Two
Only you would have a stuffed Tyrannosaurus head in her library.
Can not wait to see/meet you in Chicago. Funny how we live in the same city and it takes going to Chicago to finally meet you IRL. I will DEFINITELY be at the People’s Party, wouldn’t miss it, EVER!
See you soon.
AmazingGreis’s last blog post..3 days…
OMG you are so funny! I so wish I was going!
One of these BlogHer’s I’m gonna get to go and I’m gonna wear a platinum blonde wig with chartreuse highlights and little unicorn horns popping out all over with rainbows and glitter … BUT … you won’t be able to see this under my burka!
Holy crap! I can’t wait to come to one you’re going to be at so I can stab at you with my Hitchcock sound effects and then we will drink lots of vodkas and make fart jokes.
Yeah, like men. Only it will us!
tokenblogger’s last blog post..In which I post about my job…
Having a totally bad hair day, huh?! lol 😀 I loved look 3 for you though…
I’m the only one NOT going to blogher. Where are all of your blogher chicks finding babysitters? I, too, want one who’ll stay for days. Preferably someone who isn’t hot and blonde and perky.
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Companions
I wish I had a vagina so I could go to BlogHer.
Mr Farty’s last blog post..Cramond
Now that I know all of your disguises I will come find you somewhere at blogher – probably a men’s bathroom – and say hello. I will approach slowly making no sudden movements or extended eye contact. And I may have some small bits of candy or prescription drugs in my upturned palm.
Carolyn Online’s last blog post..It’s July 20th, do you know where your Yankees are? Oh and this is my obligatory Pre-BlogHer post.
I think if you put your hair in curlers everyone will know who you are and then you don’t have to wander around, tripping, staggering and such to find people. You can set on the bar stool, drunk and xanaxed out and have people come to you. I can’t believe you didn’t think of that yourself.
Love your blog.
Coco’s last blog post..DEMON DOG & EXPLODING WINE BOTTLES
Not gonna be there ’cause I was insecure/procrastinating, then I decided that even though I rarely -to-never update my blog I could use the comraderie (a word) and inspiration of attending, so I got on the waitlist and actually got the opportunity AGAIN and then realized Blogher’s the same weekend at this local arts festival that I’m on the Kid’s Area Committee (yeh, right?) of and I (luckily) couldn’t go anyway unless I’m willing to let a whole lot of people down. So I figured I’d not burn local (possible friend and comiserator) bridges here in my RL community before building new ones in the RL segment of my (someday I’ll) blog community. And now I’m rather glad of the decision because I’ll have time to buy some confidence wigs and reduce my alcohol tolerance before I totally swoop in on a blaze of (wallflower) mediocrity next year. Pretty much the whole reason I want to go is you and my other Jenny and Tanis but that seems stalkery/strange (and pathetic) so I’ll tell you I could really go for some swag in my life right now – I’ll take anything!! So have a great time!! Leave some fun for next year and for gosh sakes – for all us little people hiding home at the arts festival and not updating our blogs because we wouldn’t even have the nerve to punch the winner of funniest (which should be be YOU by far, sweetheart!) let alone be the (blogosphere equivalent) Golden Globe winner – stay out of the bathroom and schmooze your ass off! You only live once and next year I may be the one causing drama (NOT), (notice how you’ve inspired me?)
ML’s last blog post..I’m her people
I think I’m going to get annoyed with you when you steal the booze. Just to give you a heads up.
Raz’s last blog post..Ireland 2009
Blast It All To Hell .. I was upset that I wasnt gonna be able to get to Chicago on a Thursday night .. but THEN I REMEMBERED that we are moving to Tex-ass in August. I can stalk you from there.
Make room TexAss .. I’m ON MY WAY!
Whore? Me?
Oh wait, yes I am.
The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..Insurance Horror Story…Read It And Tweet!
i guess it’s a good thing i’m coming to blogher this year, because if i was, right now i’d have to start scrambling around to make a tshirt that said ‘necromanther’ on it, so i could wear it with a scarf. and that would a whole new problem, because i have seven million scarfs. scarves? whatever. i’m just saying that seems like a lot of work and i’d rather just sit here and play scrabble on facebook.
i will miss hanging out with you in the bathroom, though!
yeah, that whole last comment would have made a lot more sense if i had used the word NOT in the first sentence.
because i’m NOT coming to blogher, is what i meant to say.
am dumb. sorry.
supertiff’s last blog post..it’s all been done, before.
You just reminded me I don’t have enough wigs.
My compliments to you for taking the Prince logo and putting on a ticket with the Sprout logo. Very daring cross-marketing while getting to the heart of a Mom:
“I’m still a sexual being, god-dammit! Just because I got one kid sucking at my boob and another one clinging to my leg doesn’t mean I don’t want to get laid!! Honey?!”
Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Silliness Personified
So my girlfriend and I have decided that we totally want to come to the People’s Party next year because we both love your blog and think you are hilarious and we are also *not stalkers* – I swear… But we totally want to meet you which I hope doesn’t sound creepy… And we would attempt coming to Blogher but unfortunately I don’t think that myspace or facebook are considered real blogging since there are no deadlines and also there are very young people with hootchie pictures of themselves and it doesn’t really take talent to paste a survey in your ‘blog’ and I’m totally getting off subject but that is ok cause Eddie Izzard does it all the time and if he can so can I. Anyway we were going to road trip it next year because I got married a week ago and can’t take time off but I’d really like to know how to get tickets! Or do we need tickets? Can just fans come?
Anyway have a blast and we can’t wait to hear about it! (Shay and Leigh)
So it’s ok to wear wigs even if you don’t have cancer now?
Awesome.
PirateXxEsque’s last blog post..On Fireworks.
I find that adding whore to the end of everything, be it apology or praise, shows people you really mean what you say.
Love the post, whore.
Just Shireen’s last blog post..The One Where I Ignore My Blog Because I’m Boring
I just checked out Chris Mann’s MySpace (ptuey, MySpace, ick) and he totally looks like a serial killer. I mean, he is working the serial killer thing, all those intense pics staring out, just waiting to devour one of your vital organs in a bizarre ritual. I’m pretty sure he’s working that as his gimmick. Either that or he thinks he looks smouldering.
Worse yet, I think Ted Bundy had been a singer he would have sounded just like that, all breathy and urgent and could you help me with my bag I’m on crutches shove you in the van. Whooooa, feelings.
So you are right to feel anxious and I recommend locking that bathroom door. Just make sure he’s on the other side of it before you do because I saw that little scenario in a horror movie and I’ll never make that mistake. Again.
Anyway, I would say I think the wigs are a good look for you because of the bangs, you really rock the bangs. But I won’t say it because that’s the kind of the thing the mean girls in school used to say to me: Oh, why don’t you wear bangs, why don’t you wear bright colors, blah blah blah.
And I’m not mean so I’m keeping my yap shut. But I like the bangs.
The BlogHer stories will pretty much write themselves, won’t they?
Brutalism’s last blog post..Music To My Ears
There is a 99.9987653298473% chance that people are headed to BlogHer just to see you.
Are the wigs really for the anxiety, or do you plan to commit a crime???
Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Mother-in-Laws Are … Um …
Shalene – The People’s Party is for everybody. Fans, readers, haters, bloggers, drifters who wander in off the street. You don’t need tickets for it. It’s just a free party for the people. You do, however need tickets to get into Blogher the next day and sadly they sold out months ago.
Now I have to google necromancer. And necromanther.
Michelle’s last blog post..Jungle Fever
Well fantastic then! See you next year! 🙂
I totally googled necromanther….and it exists!
Stephanie’s last blog post..Because I can
Crap. My kid’s going to horseback riding camp tomorrow.
Wow, wigs. I never thought of that. Usually I just look at the ground and run into things. Not like people would recognize me at blogher but this could have come in handy when I lived in a small town where everyone knows everyone. It was awful because you pretty much could not leave the house without having to talk to people.
I think you are all kinds of brilliant. I promise if I ever did recognize you, I will not talk to you or acknowledge you in any way. I will probably be staring at the ground anyway.
I just wanted to offer one tiny suggestion: Sunglasses. Sunglasses. Also a hat. And one of those weird little miniature dogs? No, the sunglasses will be enough.
ozma’s last blog post..Long Time No See
I am so tempted to come, I have that day off. I am just so damn tempted, since I blog and stuff. And you know, would love to drink for free. And get free things. And maybe hand you a drink to wash your Xanax down with.
Hmmm. Im so damn tempted.
Jen B.’s last blog post..I assure you, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth
I *so* wish I were going to BlogHer so I could hang out with you in the ladies’ room during the People’s Party. Or maybe you would have to find a unisex bathroom, so it would be legal and all. And, oh, I probably wouldn’t want to tell my wife about this, cuz then she would be all WTF!? and such and that would be no fun at all.
Oh, and the relatively normal look – is perfectly you.
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..My liberal friends are gonna FREAK when they read this! Or maybe not.
A post is not considered unwiedly if it contains the words or phrases, “Fuck I Dont”, PBS Sprout, Vampire Panthers, Disney on ice (which by the way Vampire Panthers would be a great Disney on Ice Show) Gerber, Necromancer, DisneyWorld Moms, Xanax, Ninjas and Mrs Roper.
William’s last blog post..Ride
a method of divination through alleged communication with the dead; black art.
Blogher maybe next year……..
Have fun! I am so jealous of you all!!!!!!
Court’s last blog post..Coming Soon To A Blog Near You….
Xanax, wigs, Mrs. Roper housedresses and all, I will really miss seeing you.
Julie @ The Mom Slant’s last blog post..Outliers in blogging
A necromancer mances necros. As a matter of fact, I just took my necro in to be manced last week and though a little pricier than I had hoped, I have to say I’m very pleased with the quality of the mancing. Don’t be fooled by “bait and switch” offers that claim that they can mance your necro for only $99.00. Trust me. I learned it the hard way.
MayoPie’s last blog post..The killer robots are here
Have a handful of cocktails for me. It’ll be lonely on the Internets while you guys party.
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Video Games
I looked at the blogs that are supposedly funnier than yours. I don’t see how they could have possibly beaten you. There must be an un-named government agency and an army of mouse-clicking chimps behind it.
i honestly whole-heartedly think you should dump Victor and marry the guy who writes TheSuperficial.com. you two are perfect for each other!
Stacey’s last blog post..whatwhat7733: @brant haha yes very much so- whatsup?
How is it that the “Funniest Blog” finalists are all not that funny? I smell a conspiracy.
Watch it there Stacey.
I can’t wait to hug you. Seriously. (And I’d know you anywhere.) xo
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..I’ve been to Glen Rock, Black Rock, Little Rock, Oskaloosa, Tennessee, Hennessey, Chicopee, Spirit Lake, Grand Lake, Devils Lake, Crater Lake, for Pete’s sake.
Holy shit, Stacy. For real I think that’s the first time Victor has ever commented on my blog. I didn’t even think he read it. And you made him so flustered he left out a comma. I’d go back and edit it for him but he did threaten to stab me in a movie theater so I think this makes us even. Also, this is weird. No more commenting for you, Victor. You are now blocked.
PS. The Superficial guy is very funny but I prefer
The Geekologie guymy husband.haha i meant NOOOO disrespect to Victor- i think he’s awesome!!! but honestly, theSuperficial guy seems like you in a dude’s body (or voice i guess in this case). do u know who he is? i think he’s all mysterious unlike fame whore perez hilton. maybe instead of marriage, you & theSuperficial guy can just team up on something really awesome, like a tag-team blog post about a really lame celeb.
VICTOR I’M SORRY DON’T HATE MEEEEEEEEE!
I got nuthin. And it sounds like its gonna be fun. Fuhk. I hate missing good shit. stoopid.
peedee’s last blog post..If I live to 86, I’m halfway done
Are you bringing that awesome dinosaur that is trying to eat you in all your photos? Because that would be cool, and would totally distract everyone from all the Xanax and the toilets flushing in the background.
Stimey’s last blog post..Say Hello to My Leetle Friends
Proofier! Now that is a word that needs to be used oftener.
Jenny, you are warped…warped I say!
Lisa’s last blog post..Summertime is Here
I will sadly miss searching for you in bathrooms as I cannot be there this year. If there is voting, please cast one (or more, it is Chicago after all) on my behalf for your provcativeness.
Be well. Or drunk. Whatever works.
stephanie (bad mom)’s last blog post..still wild about harry
Will find you, but f*ck, if I read about one more person packing dress(es plural what the eff) I will choke someone, likely myself with the pants and non-dresses I have yet to pack.
amanda’s last blog post..Can you roar?
“Watch it there Stacey” – Victor sounds quite sexy. Watch it there Bloggess.
No, no. I’m pretty sure Victor commented once before. With some ridiculousness about “last Wednesday” vs. “this Wednesday” and we were all on your side until Victor explained that you left out a lot of pertinent details. And then we were still on your side. Because we are your minions.
Because we are your minions. And I am intrigued by your cleavage.
We aren’t getting an award? I thought we were getting an award! I’m sure that you, Tanis and I can make the presentation memorable, LOL. Why would they let us in a room together, really? They deserve to have the stage burn down.
There’s an award for funniest blog? Sonofabitchbastard.
BOSSY’s last blog post..Bossy Is Reading The World’s Biggest Book
I heard Crocs went under. That was nice of them to come back from the dead to throw you a party. Zombie blog party!
…he’s all “Fine. What’s a necromanther?” I’m all “It’s…half dead person, half…panther.”
I laughed so loud I just woke up my dog. And that takes a lot.
Also, I plan on finding you there and hugging the crap out of you. Unless you don’t like to be touched. Then I’ll just grin like an idiot in your general direction.
MommyTime’s last blog post..One Mouse Sideways
I just drunk blogged like last week. It wasn’t good. Well I don’t know if it was or wasn’t because I don’t really remember what I blogged about. I may have come across as a little harsh to my readers. Oops. I was pissed none of them remembered my birthday. Assholes. Drunk commenting is way easier to do because you aren’t putting it out there for everyone to see. Only part of everyone.
I’m sure you’ll do fine at Blogher, with or wthout the drugs and alcohol!
I have low expectations for BlogHer. The same people will lead. The same people will follow. The same people get nominated for shit. The same people will win. Everyone will act all surprised and flustered…except for the un-nominated people. The famous will mingle with each other and write about it and all the B-List and C-List bloggers will just be grateful someone else will sit with them. They’ll write about that, too. Maybe…just maybe a Blog Star will bend low to shake a hand or pretend they give a rat’s ass about a blog (yours…or mine) that gets 20 comments per day and isn’t talked about on Oprah or the Today Show. This will cause a lot of excitement until everyone gets home and after the dust settles it will become painfully obvious that Alice or Heather will never EVER be curious about a POS blog that no one reads. Some will cry and others will go out and get drunk over it. The rest will keep going back every year and wondering why they feel like crap afterwards. Someone will sell a kleenex on CraigsList that was used by Pioneer Woman to blow her nose and they’ll make their house payment with it. Business as usual. The End.
apathy lounge’s last blog post..Dirty Work
I have no official need to go to BlogHer because I have already hung out with you in the bathroom. On an aircraft carrier. I know you were high on xanax, but not booze unless you broke the strict rules.
Who am I writing to? Of course you broke the rules.
Love you baby, can’t wait to read the recap.
And I prefer the real you, but I am a life coach, so of course I have to say that.
xox,
-Pam
I am so glad to see that you will be dressing like Mrs. Roper because I plan on wearing my Mr. Furley leisure suit.
I don’t mean this bad…I only say this because I care and I think you are f**king HILARIOUS, and I adore your blog, and I want you to become hugely successful and be on the cover of blogger magazines, etc. etc. etc. I’ve been thinking about mentioning this for a while……So here goes…..You need to grow out your eyebrows then go and get them professionally shaped. You’re a very pretty lady, and it’ll just get better if you get the eyebrows done. They are too thin and too far apart. Remember….I say this cause I care.
You kinda look like Drew Barrymore when you are wigged.
Stay outta trouble (who am I kidding, eh?) and maybe I will overcome my insecurities and show up at Blogher next year.
I will be in Chicago but not at blogher so there is no need to call me a whore, whore….also sorry for calling you a whore and also I am now totally afraid of vampire panthers and wigs.
I am so totally hoping I can stand beside you at a party. Even though I just told Kelcey on MamaBird Diaries that I don’t get all “celebrity crazed”, I think I might just get a bit celebrity crazed around blogger superstars like yourself.
Gahhhh.. I sound like I’m 12. Which wouldn’t be so bad except I was TOTALLY Flat-chested at 12. Not that I’m big busted now. Especially after 3 kids sucked the life out of my chest. But that’s a story for another day, my dear…
Doesn’t publicizing photos of your disguises pre-disguise defeat the purpose of disguising?
I’m sooooooooooooo ssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad that I can’t be there to meet you. You would be my number one person to meet! Instead I have to go to stupid Germany. Well, okay, going to Germany rocks, but I wish I could come see you too. Have a great time!
when i read your blog i alternate between laugh-out-loud enjoyment and punch-you-in-the-face anger because there’s no way i can write as entertaining a posting. so maybe i should just quit reading you. it’s bad for my self confidence. but good for my mood. until i get mad…. i’m conflicted.
What the fuck is a necromancer?
Also…if I can produce a vampire panther can I come to BlogHer?
So, I think instead of calling people whores, you should call them skank-whores as it is more effective…
Stacey- I don’t know if a “tag-team” suggestion is going to make Victor feel any better!