How to not get fired for social networking.

in advice, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished, why the terrorists hate us

So according to Mashable, “45% of Employers Now Screen Social Media Profiles” and people are totally freaking out about it.  Easy solution: Make up a profile for your boss on Facebook. And make him a furry.  And update his status with stuff like “You know who I don’t trust?  The Koreans”, and “I often dream of blowing up my office building” and “I just had sex with my desk.  *UNCOMFORTABLE*.” and then show him his Facebook page and say “Sir, is this you?!” and when he denies it say “Oh.  Well, I didn’t think so but I had to check.  There’s someone on Facebook and twitter who pretends to be me too but it’s not me either so I totally know what you’re going through”.  Bingo. Now you can write anything you want on Facebook and plead total innocence because it’s “not you”. Then go back to your office and update your facebook status with “I think my boss wants to blow up the building” and he’ll be all “I never said that!” and you can be all “Dude. What are you talking about? Oh.  That’s just that fake-me replying to that fake-you.  It’s probably the same person messing with both of us.”  Then blame it on that girl down the hall you never liked.  This is win-win, y’all.

PS. You can use this site to make incriminating photos of him for his facebook albums.  Or you could obsessively insert your face into all the pictures to make a story about what would happen if you were the President and then get fired for playing on the internet too much.  That could happen too. These are the risks you take with social media.

PPS.  Someone needs to stop me.

If I were president I'd totally have parades like this. And also everyone gets free healthcare. And a pony. The pony is just to rub in Canada's face. Don't tell Canada.
If I were President I'd have parades like this every day. And also everyone gets free health-care. And a pony. The pony is just to rub in Canada's face. Don't tell Canada that though.
Also, all hot guys would tattoo my face on their chests. And put my picture on their cell phones. And wear them around their necks? Honestly, I don't really understand what's happening in this picture either.
And then all hot guys would tattoo my face on their chests because I'm *that* good of a President. And they'd put my picture on their cell phones. And wear them around their necks, I guess? Honestly, I don't really understand what's happening in this picture either.
Then I change "Congress" into "Parliament" because it sounds funkier. And I change the American flag to a picture of a hobo riding his free pony. Because even hobos deserve ponies in this country. Parliament loves it. You can totally tell.
Then I change "Congress" into "Parliament" because it sounds funkier. And I change the American flag to a picture of a hobo riding his free pony. Because even hobos get ponies in America. Parliament loves it. You can totally tell.
He's more into than I am.
Also, when I'm President, Dane Cook will become obsessed with me and I'll have to get a restraining order because I'm already married, dude. Then he'll kidnap me and America will think it was Russia and then Parliament will attack and then Russia strikes back and then it's nuclear war for all of us. Nice work, Dane Cook.
The elderly have never liked me.
The elderly will blame me for the ensuing war against machine and man but luckily most of them are too old to survive the nuclear apocalypse so it's not that big of a loss in constituency for President-the-Bloggess. The elderly have *never* liked me.
This is me after the apocalypse. And a breast reduction. Apparently
And this is me after the apocalypse. And a breast reduction,apparently. I'm still tough as nails though and I eat rats for breakfast. We all do. That's what the future is like. Get ready.
History will remember me fondly.
History will remember me fondly.

Comment of the day: When you are president I am totally going to tattoo your face on my stomach and I am going to tattoo it on my free pony too. And then I am going to take my free pony and run over Dane Cook. Because Dane Cook has to learn to respect the president. ~ Lance Bass Ruined My Life

125 thoughts on “How to not get fired for social networking.”

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  4. Well, at least Dane Cook will have someone around to teach him how to be funny :).Viva La Bloggess! (I’m surprised there was no Che Guevara photo)

  11. I have problems with the future I’m afraid. Where’s the picture of you and the kittens? Because if every hobo is going to get a pony – aren’t you also going to supply them with Kitten Mittens as well? I mean…You ARE intending on being a bad ass President aren’t you? You’ll never get the Hobo vote without….And Dane Cook will leave you, I’m sure.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..It’s Like Leaving Las Vegas – But It Was Palm Springs =-.

  17. but what if my boss IS a furry? Because I have it on good authority that he is. And by “good authority” I mean “I totally made that up”.
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..Phobia =-.

  19. I may have to quit my job just so I have enough time to make myself the centre of all the photos I’ve always wished I was part of. Genius.

    Also, my boss is all pro-Twitter. Except that I have a super-professional work account, and I stole my husband’s last name so that I can act like a retard on the Internet and not have anyone professional ever know it’s me, thereby allowing me to talk about how much fun being drunk is on my preferred Twitter account. Also kind of genius.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Drunken Spaghetti. =-.

  20. In some of these pictures you kind of look like Judy Garland. Have you been enjoying a lot of Judy Garland Trail Mix lately? I didn’t even know that looking like her was one of the side effects but I’m out of the loop quite often, these days.

  23. I hate to break it to you, but it’s not a breast reduction. Your body grew massive due to the effects of radiation, but boobs, being all around awesome, are resistant to radiation.

    Just an FYI. Or a PSA. Both? Yeah, both.

  24. Am I to be correct in thinking you will be giving away ponies if you become president? Because, well, I want one. More than a twenty-four year old women should. I’m like obsessed with the idea of getting a pony and riding it to work and shit. And just acting as though I really care about the environment, so I can’t use a car, but my kick ass pony. That being said, I’m writing you in on my next presidential ballot. I will start a one woman campaign to get your ass in office…so I can get my friggin’ pony

  29. you are awesome…you make me literally laugh out loud EVERYTIME I read a post…
    I especially love this one!!!!!

  35. Do you spend all your days playing with Photoshop and coming up with plans on making Canada jealous and ways to start a war with Russia? Because I’m kinda jealous.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Month 3 Day 21 =-.

  38. Are you wearing a Bump-it in that apocalypse photo, or is it just a good hair day? Because if you’re planning on Bumping-it after the apocalypse, let me know. I’m pretty sure you’ll be the apocalypse’s “It Girl” and Bump-Its will become the nuclear winter’s must have accessory. I’ll stock up and maybe trade them for antibiotics and livestock when the time comes. Because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of not eating your dead neighbors. That’s how the expression will go after the apocalypse.
    .-= Steam me up, kid´s last blog ..Steamy’s School for Fantastic Good Awarding =-.

  39. You kill me! In that machine gun pic you look just like Gennifer (sp? the hell with that spelling anyways) Goodwin.
    .-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Sam =-.

  40. Just so you know, I hope you didn’t copyright that idea about the fake social networking thing. Because I’m stealing it. Fair warning.
    .-= NaysWay´s last blog ..Fancy Clothes =-.

  41. Ok now I will never get any work done. I cannot stop putting my face (my husband’s face, my bosses face, etc etc etc) on all of those pics! If I get fired, I am so blaming you. Do you think if we turned the twitter army on my boss, he would hire me back?

  44. I didn’t use photoshop for this at all. Just photofunia.com and picnik.com. It’s like photoshop for dumb people. They should totally hire me to do their marketing.

  49. Dood! Canada totally reads your blog. Now we all know. That being said, I don’t think I would want a pony. I’m just not a horse kind of girl. Now a Llama or an Alpaca? THEN you’d be talking.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Cranky on a Tuesday =-.

  50. We, and by we – I mean Canadians although I am technically still an American but since Canadians hate Americans, I don’t mention it much – don’t need ponies because we have oil – lots of it – and will be driving our big trucks long after everyone in the lower 48 have hitched their ponies up to red wagons or forced old people to pull ricksaws to earn their pensions.

    Very cool pics, by the way.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..A Big Dump =-.

  53. You know, now that I think of it, I don’t really worry about saying things on networking sites, because my boss is just as profane and messed up as I am. Like the other day, when I told my boss that I have a penis? He just laughed and asked if it was my husband’s. And when I started rumors that he was pregnant with his boss’ baby? Took a sip of his bourbon and said, “Might be. I am late.”
    .-= MonsteRawr´s last blog ..Fuck you, Universe! =-.

  54. I totally wish I had that kind of free time. Wait – you get paid for this. That’s bullshit. And unfair.

  58. A–that’s the best David Beckham ever looked and B–I’d totally vote for you as president. Because let’s face it, what other country would want to f*ck with us then? NO ONE, not even North Korea. If you can take down William Shatner, you can take down anybody.

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  73. Holy crap! When you are president I am totally going to tattoo your face on my stomach and I am going to tattoo it on my free pony too. And then I am going to take my free pony and run over Dane Cook. Because Dane Cook has to learn to respect the president.

  74. I dunno, I’d be careful. Victoria Beckham totally looks like she would cut a bitch in a greased second.

    pee ess…my pony will be eaten in case of Apocalypse, so it’s okay if you want to send the fattest, laziest pony imaginable to my domicile.

  77. Totally unrelated, but not really.

    I was watching this horrible program called 1,001 Ways To Die and one of the stories was about this guy who got really high and wandered upon a bunch of “furries” in the dessert, but none of them would let him play along because he was all gross and human-y looking so he found one furry that was sitting on the outskirts of the camp all by itself and tried to get with it, only as it turned out it wasn’t a “furry” after all. It was a bear.

    Sorry for the share. No one deserved that.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..It Came from Outerspace… =-.

  78. mostly, i’m just really into you as a raven-tressed rat-eater. especially the raven-tressed portion. nothing against rats, or eating them, only — it sounds a lot like that show Dave Chapelle made fun of as a crackhead, but i didn’t watch it because it was boring (the show about eating rats, not Dave C) and DAMN but i wish Dave Chapelle’s show were still on. i would probably be watching it right now. wondering what the name of that rat-eating reality show was. and longing for a good, crunchy pickle.

  80. So–besides OMG for Photofunia (I don’t even own an iPhone–shit!–I hate AT&T) for the narcissistically-inclined among us–are you saying that we can be friends on fb? Because the thought of THAT made my fucking nanosecond. I’ll be checking on that, you know I will. You are so cute in rollers, I love everyone of those photos. That must make me obsessed with you, or nostalgic…
    .-= La Framéricaine´s last blog .."Somewhere Under The Rainbow…" =-.

  84. And you would personally be responsible for the ‘greening’ of America and saving the world from Global Warming – because just THINK what we could do with all that pony poop. We could stop using fertilizers on farms. We would have vegetable gardens in the cities and our carbon footprint would drop to ZERO. You, YOU are my hero.
    .-= lceel´s last blog ..Friday Haiku – Pluto =-.

  87. I really don’t care what you do as President as long as I can have a pic like that of David Beckham autographed by you. Also…here’s something that pisses me off about the White House. Every single year I send the President and family a flipping Christmas card. (yes. yes, I do. Also I sent a wedding invitation when I got married – to which I recieved an awesome response letter. Thankyouverymuch. Which is now framed.) So I send an X-mas card each and every stinking year and just ONE of these years I would really, really REALLY like to get one back!!! So, that is an expectation I have for you when you are President. Or else I reserve the right to vote for you for a second term. Oh, wait, I have that right anyway. Well, I will tell all my friends to not vote because you don’t send Christmas cards out. Crap, are you a Jew? I’d still like a dredal or something like that. Seriously…
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..Would these searches really make for interesting blogs? =-.

  91. Thank you for pointing out that the elderly hate you. ‘Cause I was afraid I might be elderly but I don’t hate you so, whew.

    On an unrelated note, I think you should block William Shatner because he only unblocked you because you were on TV. That’s so superficial and you don’t need that nonsense. Plus he probably thinks that anyone who appears on TV is perfectly sane, which is clearly untrue (i.e., see “William Shatner”– “my best’) (also see “Phil Specter”–but wear a bulletproof vest).

  93. Parliament does sound cooler and have you seen the British in action in theirs? A lot more fun than some boring speech (unless it has discussion of the series of tubes that are the internets) that usually happens in ours. Now to go and start making fake fb pages just in case I should need them.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..3 for 3 Friday =-.

  100. Love the photoshop expertise… and the last one… History will be kind to you… I prefer, History will be kind to me, for I will Wiki it! Keep on keeping on Sista! Love your brain!

  103. That photo site rocks it! Thank you so much, and btw, I lurve your website. You are too funny….

  104. Hmm…Ponies would cut road rage in half….it’s hard to give someone the finger then saunter by on a pony with a strait face.

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  111. so i’ve been playing with photofunia and i really like it because i’ve been able to tell which hairstyles look good on me.

    marilyn monroe locks…not so much.

    unwashed, stringy, straight shoulder length + a goatee…awesome!
    .-= erin´s last blog ..open letter to sandy and tricia mcilree =-.

  113. You mean you’re NOT the President………?!?!!!!?!!

    Who the fuck IS?!?!?!??!?!?

  116. I keep trying to wear my cell phone around my neck, but when I bend over and stand back up it smacks me in the face, so now I have a broken nose and a black eye and I am totally getting a restaining order on David Beckham, bastard.
    .-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..I love a bad attitude =-.

  118. The ponies are a much better idea than new GMs or Chryslers. However, you need to pass a law requiring METRO to allow ponies on their buses/light rail. ‘Cuz those ponies have to do something to pay for the food they eat, hay!

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Top Chef: Vegas, Baby! =-.

  120. I have now set up a special beastiality facebook profile just for prospective employers…I think it gives me a real advantage over college grads…

  121. Please tell me you only went with Dane Cook because of that picture… I mean, c’mon, you are WAY funnier (read: more psychotic) than Dane Cook. And I’ll bet Posh Spice is all jealous of her hubby sporting your tatoo on his abs and cell phone. Bet she only gives him the pouty look and no sex for like a month (OK, a week, her hubby has that bod, who the hell could hold out for a whole month? Mother Theresa would have totally fucked him.)… what was I saying? Oh yes, a shower, I need a shower… you don’t have a monster-theif-beating-dildo I can borrow while I take my ‘shower’ do you?
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Hubby’s Ex-Boss Needs A Kick In The Crotch and I Predict Best Buy Will Be Going Out Of Business If They Don’t Change Their Ways =-.

  122. That picture of David Beckham has me snorting diet coke out my nose b/c it totally took me like 15 minutes to notice the tattoo of your face on his stomach.

    Well played.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..Time the Fuck Out =-.

  123. Gosh, how long did that take you? My first visit here (via your apology from DOOCE!!!) and lovin’ your work!
    Have no idea who the Dane character is, but dwelled on the Beckham image for QUITE some time… heh.
    🙂
    BB
    .-= Bush Babe´s last blog ..BAN the BABIES =-.

  124. Pingback: ‘I’m your social media guru’ — Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian

  125. I’d like to see the outtakes from the Beckham pics please.
    I find it impossible to believe that you had this image of him and all you did was tattoo your face on his torso…

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