I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced “Wesley-Ann”.

in conversations, I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, why yes I do know how to operate an EMF detector

Phone conversation I had with my husband after I got lost for the 8,000th time…

Me:  Hello?

Victor:  Where are you?!  You’ve been gone an hour.

Me:   I’m lost.  Don’t yell at me.

Victor:  You went to get milk, dude.  You’ve been to that store a hundred times.

Me:  Yes, but not at night.  Everything looks all strange  and I couldn’t see the signs and I guess I must’ve taken a wrong street and I’ve been driving aimlessly hoping for something to look familiar.

Victor:   How can you get lost every damn time you leave the house?

Me:  I don’t even think I’m in Texas anymore.

Victor:  Motherfu-

Me:  DON’T YELL AT ME.

Victor:  I’m not yelling at you. Just turn on the GPS and put in our address.

Me:  I left it at home.

Victor:  What the hell is wrong with you?!

Me:  You said you wouldn’t yell at me!

Victor:  That was before you left the Garmin at home.  I BOUGHT IT EXPRESSLY BECAUSE OF YOU.

Me:  Can’t you just tell me how to get home?

Victor:  How am I supposed to help you get home, Jenny?  I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

Me:  Okay…there are a lot of trees.  And bushes.  Or they might be horses.  It’s too dark to tell.

Victor:  Oh yeah, I know exactly where you are.

Me:  Really?

Victor:  No.  You’re someplace where there may or may not be bushes.  How is that helpful?

Me:  Hell.  I need to find a street sign.

Victor:  You NEED to remember to put the GPS in your car.

Me:  No.  I’m not using it anymore.

Victor:  Why not?!

Me:  It’s trying to kill me.

Victor:  *

Me: Remember last week when I had to go into town and I got the driving instructions from mapquest and you made me take the GPS as a back-up but then halfway there the GPS is all “Turn left now” and I’m all “No.  Mapquest says to go straight” and it’s like “TURN LEFT NOW” and I’m all “No way, bitch” and then she’s all sighing at me like she’s frustrated and she keeps saying “Recalculating” in this really judgey, condescending way and then she’s all “TURN LEFT NOW!” and then I’m all freaked out so I turn left exactly like she says and then she’s all “Recalculating.  Recalculating.” and I’m like “I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID TO DO.  WHAT’S WITH THE TONE, WHORE?”

Victor:  You’re not using the GPS because you don’t appreciate the tone of the robot?

Me:  No, that’s just the start.  Because then she told me to turn on West Lion street but there was no West Lion Street so I kept making illegal u-turns and finally I realized that she was mispronouncing Wesley-Ann Street.  Probably on purpose.

Victor:  It’s “Weslayan Street”.  You still haven’t seen a street sign?

Me:  Oh.  Sorry.  I kind of forgot I was driving.

Victor:  You forgot you were driving while you were driving?

Me:  It’s not like I ran into a cow.  I just forgot I was looking for signs.

Victor:  If you ever make it home I’m hiding your car keys.

Me:  Anyway, then I’m all “Okay, one of us is mispronouncing ‘Wesley-Ann’ and one of us is lost and I think they both might be me” but that’s when I came up with what might be the greatest invention in the history of the world.

Victor:  Street signs.  Look for street signs.

Me:  Haven’t seen any.  Feels like I’m on a highway now.  Ask me what my great idea is.

Victor:  No.

Me:  GPS for Stupid People.

Victor:  *

Me:  I’m totally serious.  Because I’m no good with directions but I’m really good with landmarks so if you tell me to go “North on Main” I’m fucked but if you say “Turn at that Burger King that burned down last year” I totally know what to do so we should build a GPS system that does that.

Victor:  *sigh*

Me:  And here’s the genius part: we make it able to learn so it adapts to you personally.  So like if I say “Huh.  There’s a homeless guy masturbating” it’ll put that in it’s data-banks and then when I want to go somewhere later, instead of just naming random streets it’s all “You know where that homeless guy was masturbating?  We’re going there.  Turn left at that Sonic you like.  Turn right at the burrito place you took Sarah to that time she was dressed all slutty.  Yield at the place you gave that guy a hand job.”

Victor:  What the fuck?!

Me:  Exactly. See that’s the downfall of this system because really I just gave a guy a hand by telling him how to get a job.  But robots don’t get the subtle intricacies of human languages so there’d be a learning curve.  We’d have to put that in the brochure.  Like a disclaimer.

Victor: How long do you have to be missing before I can start dating again?

Me:  I’m just saying this robot isn’t perfected yet, dude.  It’s close though.  I wouldn’t use it with your mom in the car though, just in case.  OHMYGOD I TOTALLY KNOW WHERE I AM!

Victor:  You’re at the place you gave that guy a hand-job?

Me:  No. I’m at that abandoned building that looks like it’s owned by Branch-Davidians.

Victor:  Huh.  The rest of the world calls that “Dallas Street“.  So can you get home now?

Me: I think so.  Left at that spooky bar that looks like it’s out of Scooby-Doo, left at the place we saw that wild boar that turned out to be a dog, right at the corner where I threw up that one time.  Right?

Victor:  You make my head hurt.

Me:  DUDE, WE ARE GOING TO BE MILLIONAIRES.

Epilogue: I made it home*.  Victor duct-taped the GPS to my windshield and refused to build me a robot.  It’s like he wants us to be poor.

*Disclaimer:  By “made it home” I mean I got lost again and Victor had to come find me so I could follow him home.  The point is, I made it home.  And that I had no robot.  This whole post is kind of a tragedy.  Victor says he agrees but probably not for the same reasons.

Comment of the day: My mom would so buy your landmark robot GPS. She gives me directions to things like “Turn left at Bobby McGillicutty’s old house then go past that place where we gave them the dog then turn at the Thriftway and go about how long it takes to walk to Grams and then turn left and you’ll see the house that looks like that house that I like and then one more right and you’re there.”  And I’m all WHO THE FUCK IS BOBBY FUCKING MCGILLICUTTY? And it turns out it’s some guy she went to kindergarten with. Because obviously I would know that. And that dog? Was easily 30 years ago. And the Thriftway burned down in 1983 and is now an LA fitness, and whose walking are we timing here? So then I’m all, lets just drink whiskey for dinner and then she’s all “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I TRY”. Neither do I, Ma. NEITHER DO I.  ~ Miss Thystle

316 thoughts on “I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced “Wesley-Ann”.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. ROFLMAO! Whew! Girl that shit is funny.

    And DUDE! My mom would TOTALLY buy a GPS like that. That’s how she remembers things too! Must be because she comes from a town in Louisiana where there was only one red light.
    .-= T´s last blog ..Servant =-.

  5. I’m kind of serious that you should build that GPS. Or someone who knows about GPS’s should build it.

    Hey, I’m actually a patent attorney, we should file a patent application on it and then sue Garmin and get them to pay us a bunch of $$ to buy the patent off us. People actually do that in real life.
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Confessions of Unprofitability =-.

  6. i once had one of the kids’ electronic toys try to kill me via irritating the holy heck out of me with its repetative voice.

    so i put it outside.

    in a garbage bag.

    in the rain.

    but i could still hear it at 0100am.

    you’d think i would have thought of removing the batteries.

    also, i’m glad you’re feeling slightly better. but maybe you should still vomit on “the bitch” so that victor would have to build you a robot?

    andy
    .-= andy´s last blog ..today i feel without purpose ’cause i don’t have kids squawking up in my shit every five minutes but surprisingly i’m okay with that. =-.

  7. Let’s start with the voice. We need a voice for the GPS that makes you not give a damn if it’s trying to kill you or if the kids are hanging their butts out the back window. Something that can roll rrrr’s like Armando from that club….wait. I mean you know. A voice that isn’t so judgy. Bye.
    .-= AmyAnne´s last blog ..The Apology Letter =-.

  8. totally agree. we should make a gps that knows us personally. gps with, “Turn left.” directions is boring. i’m just in awe everytime i read your posts. it’s like, i’m stepping to this new horizon. you’ve opened my eyes, jenny. *walks away in happiness dramatically*

  10. I would so rather buy your GPS. We actually call the woman in the screen The Bitch. Sometimes, I want to get super lost just to hear her say she has no idea where we are either, so she’ll get that fucking judgment out of her tone. I would love to get so lost that HER head exploded, and then the smooth voice of someone like Eric Northman came on the GPS, and then, I wouldn’t fucking CARE if I was lost because ERIC NORTHMAN would be talking to me in that sexy voice.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..A New Beginning =-.

  13. hahaha, I suck, apparently I pushed too many buttons. Sorry.. I’ve got a cold.

    Like I was sayinggggggg………..

    You had your iphone with you……. why not use the maps app? hahaha I LIVE for that app. Seriously.
    .-= Seraphim´s last blog ..Aunt Becky does preschool… =-.

  16. My husband bought my a Garmin for the same reason. I get lost no matter where I go. I can’t find a freeway and I live in LOS ANGELES. If you’re in L.A., chances are, you’re on a freeway. But then Queen of Spain told me you can customize the voice of the robot to be a hot Australian Dude or a saucy British Chap so I did and now, fuck, it’s like my Garmin’s talking dirty to me and I’m damn near orgasming everytime he mentions “roundabouts” although now I have no fucking clue where I’m going or what street to turn on because I can’t understand his sexy little accent. I don’t think we even have roundabouts in California.
    .-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..The most brilliant, breath-taking post EVER suppressed by chipped nail polish. It happens more often than you think. =-.

  17. My mom would so buy your landmark robot GPS. She gives me directions to things like “Turn left at Bobby McGillicutty’s old house then go past that place where we gave them the dog then turn at the Thriftway and go about how long it takes to walk to Grams and then turn left and you’ll see the house that looks like that house that I like and then one more right and you’re there.”

    And I’m all WHO THE FUCK IS BOBBY FUCKING MCGIllicutty? And it turns out it’s some guy she went to kindergarten with. Because obviously I would know that. And that dog? Was easily 30 years ago. And the Thriftway burned down in 1983 and is now an LA fitness and who’s walking are we timing here?

    So then I’m all, lets just drink whiskey for dinner and then she’s all “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I TRY”. Neither do I, Ma. NEITHER DO I.
    .-= Miss Thystle´s last blog ..Worst. Kid. Ever. =-.

  19. Oh gawd, landmarks. I can’t let my husband read this or he’ll comment on me and my inability to navigate using street signs, which are useless because they are not placed properly or nearly big enough for the near-sighted like me as opposed to landmarks which are nearly always massive by comparison.

    I could totally use a GPS that doesn’t require me to squint and endanger others.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..The Stuff You Sell =-.

  21. “You know where that homeless guy was masturbating? We’re going there. Turn left at that Sonic you like. Turn right at the burrito place you took Sarah to that time she was dressed all slutty. Yield at the place you gave that guy a hand job.”

    Those are the best directions. EVER. I will take one robot, please.

  22. Glad I have a built-in navi! I got lost in the ghetto once in my old sports car & this chick was terrified, it was like a prison yard with its different ghetto cliques. Needless to say, I wasted a lot of gas & when I got new car, navi was a fucking must!

    But, I like the personalized GPS idea, you could so become a Trump with that product. Strippers alone would covet you…
    “Got herpes on this corner”
    “Ass raped on South, didn’t shit right for 3 days”
    “Tonsils were fucked up from deep throating Mr. Big *he wouldn’t stop thrusting*

  23. My husband and I really think Mr. T. should be the voice — as in “make a u-turn, you fool.” It would be so much more fun than that “recalculating” judgmental voice.
    .-= M´s last blog ..Week 13 083009 =-.

  24. It’s so hot in my house that all my windows are open… so now all my neighbors are wondering why my husband is under the desk tickling me because I don’t normally laugh this loud.

    Holy shit, dude… if the house next door is ever for sale, please tell me. I promise not to stalk you too badly.
    .-= Sugar Jones´s last blog ..It’s a Small World =-.

  25. Dude! I’m in love with you!
    If Victor EVER starts dating the GPS voice (he is obviously in love with and told her to kill you) just let me know.
    I’ll turn straight and move to the US for you!
    And yes, I’ve seen the toilet paper commercial, so there’s no need for you to send me a body/face disclaimer picture! I think I can deal with it… As long as you teach me how to have sex with girls…
    All my love,
    B

  26. gps is whack. i know it messes things up all the time like when it’s like “stay right, stay right” or “merge” when really all you’re doing is staying on the same fucking road. i just always assume i’ll find it if i’ve vaguely been in the area before. chuck’s a big fan of my directions as well. one time i just didn’t write the last half of the directions because first of all, mapquest didn’t have it and second of all, how big can that area be? well, you can guess the results.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..happee birthdee to me! (tmit) =-.

  29. Maxim made me give him the GPS for a few hours and then when he returned it the little car-icon-thingy had been turned into a short bus, if that tells you anything.

    And by ‘anything’ I mean ‘our husbands love us, but they are fuckers, kind of’.

  31. Your husband is a saint. My husband is like you but he can’t even do landmarks. I think he’s sleeping with the GPS lady. I’ll ask him to ask her if she’s really trying to kill you or just f*%k with you a little.
    .-= Lee´s last blog ..It’s not sex. It’s a merger. =-.

  32. I have a GPS-thingy that speaks a dozen different languages … but I can only understand 2 of them. I have a choice between a ‘disinterested’ female British-English voice, an ‘unimpressed’ female German voice and a male German voice that sounds like he’s trying to either talk me out of my pants or sell me a highly-suspect used car.

    I chose the English one even though she mispronounces the German street names and sends me down one-way streets the wrong way … because I know she’s doing it out of apathy and not hate. There’s a big difference.

  35. This is so much like me too! Don’t you dare tell me to head north because I’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about (that is totally directed at my husband who must have a compass in his ass, oh I meant to say head).

    You know what I heard? Bob Dylan is talking with someone about being the voice for some navigation system. Yeah, I can just see multiple windows rolling down simultaneously and nav devices being thrown out said windows! ‘Cause that’s the voice you want to hear when you are lost, right?

  36. I get lost every time I leave the house too! I would SO use your GPS system, Jenny. Except in high school, I had a lot of sex in cars, so it would be something like “Turn left after the parking lot where the police caught you doing it on your car hood with your ex-boyfriend, then keep going straight past the dark block where you made questionable decisions.”
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..Cringe =-.

  37. My son drives me crazing saying how I need a GPS. I say getting lost is fate introducing you to someone or something you wouldn’t have encountered if you had just driven to where you were going in the first place.
    I have had sone great adventures getting lost. It took us 2 hours to get to the hotel from the Phx airport (which was 8 mins away).
    He was a wreck and I was enjoying the scenery. The fact that I got lost 2 other times during the same vacation made him really campaign for the GPS. Despite the fact that I explained why I hate them, he’ll probably get me one for Christmas!

  39. dude, i HATE GPS’s….they have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m all about the landmarks too…whenever i drive to my aunt’s in delaware, i know i have to turn right at the walmart, then right at the third light, and left at the church…if someone told me road names or numbers i’d be screwed.

  40. They should just make a gps that gives attitude back. Like, “Turn the fuck around, bitch! I don’t feel like fucking recalculating!” And then there’d probably be more accidents because people would through the gps out the window and it would hit other cars and then I’d be sued. And I’m poor.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..katiefreeland: Thai Rain, tomorrow, late afternoon (3:30ish? dunno yet), but I want anybody who can make it to come! It’s my last hurrah before I leave! =-.

  41. I used to use your same system of double directions with MapQuest and GPS but ultimately the joke was on me because one time they both agreed that I was supposed to drive through some random strangers front yard to get to my friend Sarah’s house (in the middle of the night…for an EMERGENCY margarita drinking session). I didn’t know how to get there in the dark and my cell phone was dead so I didn’t really even have a choice…I HAD to drive through that front yard. So I did. Lucky for me it was dark. Unlucky for me, it was raining so I left HUGE tire tracks through the grass. This is where the little angel on my shoulder kept yelling at me to “GO BACK! GO LEAVE THEM YOUR NUMBER!” but the little shitty devil on my other shoulder kept saying things like “They’ll make you do physical labor and give them your dollars if you leave your contact info. Remember how much you hate raking leaves in autumn? It’ll be a thousand times worse. And? If you give them your dollars you won’t be able to buy those beautiful shoes you saw at Macy’s.” so I didn’t leave my number and just drove away.

    If you woke up to slidey tire tracks through your front yard some time in 2004, this is me saying I’m sorry.
    .-= PrincessOfForks´s last blog ..Oh. My. God. Becky, look… =-.

  42. I am SO glad I’m not the only one that gets lost. It’s actually very embarrassing because I’ve lived in the same town for life and my husband has lived here about 7 years and he knows it better than I do. And I’m not allowed to drive if we’re going somewhere together. It hurts my brain to think about driving…
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Biscuit… =-.

  43. I think your wonky GPS idea is kickass. I’d buy it.

    I got lost leaving a training class once and damn near ended up in the neighboring State. It was ridiculous and dark and my ass began to hurt from sitting for so long. All I needed to make was a u-turn but I SWEAR all these tractor trailers kept boxing my little beat down Mazda Protoge in.

    By the time I got home, my family had buried an empty casket.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Yo, Dude =-.

  44. The kind of GPS you’re describing sounds like a 90s Furbie. They learned. They talked. They were very, very wrong children’s toys. But they’d be perfect for your invention. I bet there’s a warehouse FULL of ’em somewhere.

    Plus, make sure it talks with an accent…I love it when an Aussie tells me where to go ;).

    {{suddenly missing Willowtree…}}

  45. Dude! I hear you! that bitch is sooo attitudey judy! However, now I miss her because I am now posted to Sudan and I totally learned how to get to the Embassy by turning right a the big pile of tires and then left by the tooth. However, they just f’n changed the stupid tooth billboard and I totally got lost! (I’ve been here 6 mos)

    WTF Sudan!?
    .-= michel´s last blog ..I Moved to the Ghetto to Get Away from the Hounding Reporters… =-.

  46. OMG tears. I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

    The saddest part is that is exactly the same as my cousin. Who, at 20, still gets lost in her hometown. Getting to the house where she has lived her entire life. It’s sad. Very sad.

  48. I’m okay with directions, but my fiance sounds suspiciously like you. However, he insists on following his (wrong) instincts, because, um, yeah, he’s a man. I won’t talk about that time we were driving through Poland and ended up on some gravel, country road, while being chased by a white kidnapper van…He finally used the GPS to find a nearby police station. WOOHOO.

  49. OMG! We must be related-i’m constantly lost too. I’ve even got the gps lost because after awhile she just quit talking! That was relief. Judgmental beeatch. I found my way home without her. By the way – how does she pronounce Kukendahl?

  52. I have a Tom-Tom unit because I’m directionally-challenged like that. They kick Garmin’s ASS because they don’t say street names, they just say “in one-quarter mile, turn left,” then “turn left” etc. I’ve discovered that the secret to never getting lost with the GPS is to just TOTALLY TRUST THEM. Like, blindly and implicitly, the way you’re supposed to with God if you buy into that shit. I’m still an atheist, though.

  53. You know, if you ignore the GPS’s directions for long enough it goes in the huff and just gives up. Stops talking to you and everything. Takes a while tho…

  55. Sure… Make them adaptable so they can make fun of us later?!

    “Turn left at that spot where your boyfriend was going around the roundabout but kinda hopped the curb and blew out your tire and then you started crying cus your boyfriend didn’t know how to change a tire and you were so drunk you thought you were going to hurl, but you were like 10 blocks from home so you started walking in those ridiculous shoes and snapped a heel and as soon as you got home and were like 5 steps to the bathroom you totally hurled and made a big ol’ mess.”

    All in that condescending robot voice. What a bitch.

    (Er… was that TMI? I mean.. that didn’t actually happen to ME …)

    But seriously, you’re gonna need to put like… a memory cap on those things.

  59. Marcus read this, and when he got to the part where Victor says, “How long do you have to be missing before I can start dating again?” he looks at me and goes, “No really, how long?”

    SO THANKS FOR THAT.

    K.
    .-= Chookooloonks´s last blog ..love thursday: fragility =-.

  60. I would buy GPS for stupid people because I get lost in my own city all the time. MY Victor bought me a new cell phone specifically with its own GPS system but I can’t figure out how to make the stupid thing work so I still get lost all the time. It doesn’t matter, I just call him for directions anyway.
    .-= Allison´s last blog ..gift hero. =-.

  62. My dad bought me a GPS when I moved to Alaska. His reasoning was that he wanted the police to have a way to find my cold, dead body after I drove off into a ditch in the frozen tundra. And I think that chick in the GPS is waaay too uppity. Just cause she knows how to get everywhere. Whatever! Dude, if she had to do my job for an hour, she’d totally cry. And end up sitting in the corner, rocking and muttering to herself.

  64. Pingback: Turn Left At the Handjob | Popehat

  65. I want a GPS with TWO voices, a big black woman that cooly says, “Turn left in a bit here, honey . .” and then just goes “Mmmmmhmmmmm!” when I miss the turn.

    Followed by a deep black man’s voice that says, “Why you alway bringn’ him down?! Can’t you see da man is doin’ his bes?”

    “Don’t you be gettin’ all upin my face, fool! I be finnin ta just quit right here and now . . .” she replies . . .

    “DAMN, WOMAN! . . .” and on it goes with the two of them arguing over directions and who drank too much last Tuesday night when they had friends over . . . and why don’t you get a better paying job . . .

    So my wife and I can just listen and laugh and find our own way home . . . instead of arguing . . .
    .-= Matt´s last blog ..I Bet Your Dawg Can’t Do This . . . =-.

  66. When I was a kid, Camp Fire girls had an annual Labor Day camp out at a local lake. It was a little bit off the beaten path, and the turn-off for the camping area was marked by a one-armed man on a tractor. No joke. That’s what the guy at the gas station told us the first year we went when we stopped to ask how to get there. I remember that my Dad was pissed at my Mom who actually went inside to ask (of course) and said those were bad directions, but sure enough there he was on that tractor at the turn-off. I’ll never forget it: “Turn left at the one-armed man!” This was all years ago, and he has no doubt passed away by now. So I wonder how people find the lake?
    .-= Melessa´s last blog ..Why I Can Deal with It =-.

  67. HA! I was wondering why on Earth a blog pee-on like me was getting traffic from The Bloggess. Thanks for the mention in your comment Loren. I didn’t even have to pay you. I’m not even sure if I know you.

    It’s true. Like Loren said, our GPS tried to kill us a few different ways all in one trip. I don’t want to be a link ho in Jenny’s comments. I like to pretend I’m not that tacky. It’s up in comment 33.

    Great story! LOL! I am convinced that GPS will be the death of me. That or a rogue, flying Wii Controller.
    .-= Lizz B (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..How Embarrassing! Memory Number 3. =-.

  70. That GPS would be perfect for my sister! That is exactly how she gives directions. “Turn left at the bush”, “Go past the 7-11, then look around”. Or my all time favorite:
    Me: Where is your new house?
    Her: Off Route 9
    Me: Great! Where off Route 9?
    Her: Uh… I don’t know how to tell you. I just get here
    Me: Seriously?
    Last time I visited her.
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..L’amour in B flat =-.

  71. I LOVE the GPS idea. I am already coming up with ways to help you market it. Although … some of them may result in spam, porn and crazy phrases that lead back to the site … wait … you already HAVE that. I’ll have to come up with something new for you :: puts on thinking cap ::
    .-= kristy – wheres my damn answer´s last blog ..A White Trash Care Package… =-.

  72. I give directions like that all the time because I grew up in a small town. My ex was from a city and when he moved to my hometown, the new landlord gave him the following directions:”turn left at the bicentennial water pump and take the second road past the Wacky Worm. It’s the driveway with the tires.” The ex was all, “Wtf?” and I said, “Oh, I know that place. I’ll come with.” and he mumbled something about bumpkins but I totally knew where his new house was. (Wacky Worm is a bait shop)

    Now that I’m in LA I have to step up my game, but I still kind of say things like “you’ll see a korean bbq with an overgrown bush in front. It’s the second right.”
    .-= Laurie Ann´s last blog ..I’m sick and it’s making me mean (okay, meaner) =-.

  74. I give people directions like your imaginary GPS, and I totally dont get why people get mad at me- turn left at the building that looks like an onion, how hard is that? Or turn right at the rent a horse place? Oh crap, I just gave you directions to my mother-in-law’s house…just show up with rum, she’s pretty piratey like that- is piratey a word? I just lost my train of thought. Fuck it.

    I am so not directionally challenged, I just want a gps that actually calls you a dumbass when you miss the turn- I would think that shit was funny until it just wasn’t, then, what, $200 goes flying out of the window? Road rage is so not pretty, unless it just is.

  75. My sister once gave directions to her college apartment by saying, “get on the highway, put your foot on the gas and wait three hours, then make a left at the Moonie” (he was always there selling flowers on the corner). I think there is a market for the GPS you’re proposing. Victor does want you to be poor. In the meantime, if you do decide to do the sitcom, Leighton Meester should totally play you. She’s your twin.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..I’m Betting That A Phillip Hart, By Any Other Name, Would Not Smell As Sweet =-.

  78. I’m in. Where do I send my check? Mine needs to be programmed to say the following:

    Where uncle Jim’s barn burned down that year that Michelle lost her virginity in the hay-loft with that guy with the red hair and then you stopped liking him because he deflowered her and you didn’t know what that meant so you asked your mom and she’s all shocked and grounded you even though you were like 20 at the time? Turn there towards the creek.
    .-= Motherofthemonth´s last blog ..Blogging: The New Passive Agressive =-.

  80. OMG! I H.A.T.E. my GPS! Her name is “Bossy B!tch”, and mostly, we yell at each other. Well, she yells: “Turn left now!” or “RECALCULATING!” or “Make a u-turn now!”, and I yell: “There is nowhere to turn left!” or “Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!” or “*%^&$#!”. It took me forever to figure out that when she said to turn on “Oak Doctor” she really meant “Oak Drive.” Ugg. I’m going to rest my neck now; it’s sore from nodding emphatically through your entire post.

  81. I’m pleased I’m not the only one who thinks these things. My GPS is bi-polar. When I’m in the car, she’s stoic, kind of robotic and ignores me half the time – waiting until the last possible second to tell me to turn. However, when my husband is in the car – she has a British accent and is very kind. He’s very confused why I can’t stand the thing and always referring back to the printed directions. I’ve named her Tiffany. Mostly because I hated that bitch in High School.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..See? Money Can Buy Happiness =-.

  82. We don’t have a GPS for the car, but my husband has a GPS on his phone and it absolutely enrages me because it says crap, like, turn left 600 feet, and I’m like how far is 600 feet?! I have no clue! Say it in terms of blocks or perhaps 1/4 or 1/2 mile, which I can understand. So I make him turn it off or it has to be on silent. And if he even LOOKS at it, I go insane. I don’t trust it and I don’t understand it. Just print the directions off MAPQUEST already!!!!
    .-= Pop and Ice´s last blog ..Our Weekend Outpost =-.

  83. One day I’ll have GPS. And then I’ll be running around, following its instructions, being all like “Yay! I’m turning left! Like you said! Huzzah for following instructions! Yay yay yay!” And then I’ll get a car and it’ll be even better.
    .-= Fuiru´s last blog ..My Wedding: Imaginary Reviewed! =-.

  86. Don’t trip, I get lost inside strip malls too… and now I’m not even in suburbia, where I had landmarks, now I’m in the fucking country AND a different state so it’s more like, “Do I take a left at the second corn field, or a right at the third cow pasture? Shit!!!” But your invention wouldn’t work for me, per se, cause the second corn field looks just like the third cow pasture if you aren’t from the country and WTF is with Texas roads having NON-SEQUENTIAL number names. I just passed 266 but now I’m passing 1042 W.T.F. People like us NEED as in requirement for LIFE NEED to be rich so we can hire personal drivers who were actually born with a sense of direction. And tell Victor to quit being so judgmental of people with our particular disease: Directionally Challenged, it needs to be put on the list of things you can claim Disability Insurance from the Feds for.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..OMG What Happened To My Mother =-.

  89. My Dad argues with his Garmin, when we visited the folks in the UK we went out for a day trip. Coming home he seemed to driving in a big circle and going back to where we had just been, he had put the address where we just left as the destination address!
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Dog the grass cutter =-.

  90. Reminds me of the time I got lost in my cousin’s subdivision in Gilbert, AZ. Was not quite so funny as this and really no way to tell all the damn tile-roofed houses apart. I just parked and waited for her husband to come find us.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Love Thursday: just holding on =-.

  94. Ditch the Garmin – I had the Tom Tom, which let’s you choose between different accents, and male or female. I had mine set to a male Brit, called him Clive and would tell him to talk dirty to me when I turned him “on”. Seriously, get yourself a Clive, or your very own Rastafarian…makes a HUGE difference!!!

  98. Your GPS should have built-in ad-hoc WiFi so that it can communicate directly with other GPS units. Then, if you’re lost, it can connect to the other GPS unit and get directions just like cab drivers do, except now they’d all talk the same language and you wouldn’t have to freak out because your driver speaks Punjabi and the guy who knows where he’s going only speaks Urdu or something.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Accident =-.

  99. 1) I’m pretty sure it’s Wes-lee-en.
    2) Every time I’m on Dallas, I’ll be lookin’ left to find the bar that looks like it’s out of Scooby-Doo. Thank you very much!
    3) If you have a TomTom you can make your own voice recordings, download them, then transfer them to your TomTom with a flash drive. I did this for my wife with my own voice.
    BAD IDEA!
    She got home and beat the shit out of me with her purse one night after a few wrong turns. It was her big brown purse with a ginormic buckle on it. Opened up a good gash over my left ear and she wouldn’t let me go to the ER because she’s a nurse and insisted on sewing me up herself. After a small eternity of of Melissa cleaning the wound with a fucking ScotchBrite green scrubby she finally gave me 6 stiches. I know that 2 of them were totally unnecessary because they were nowhere near the gash. Me: “What are you doing?” Melissa: “Practicing.”
    I went to Best Buy the next morning and exchanged the TomTom 740 for another, telling them it didn’t work right. I’ll bet the just rewrapped it and resold it to some poor soul who’s just missed their turn and is listening to me, “What the… Why don’t you ever listen? loud sigh… Re-Fucking-Calculating.” It seemed like such a good idea…
    .-= John Pazzesco´s last blog ...: Tango Argentino – Milonga! =-.

  100. My husband takes a lot of road trips, and I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on me with that blonde (you do know she’s blonde, right?) British bitch. That’s why she’s so huffy whenever I’m in the car. I can’t use the Garmin because I feel compelled to tell her to “shut up already, I know where I’m going!” and just that makes me look crazy(er) to all the people in the other vehicles.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..It’s Only Original Once =-.

  101. Un-friggin-believably funny. I laughed so hard I cried. Reminds me all too well of our big move from one military post to the next a year ago. My words of wisdom I wrote back then:

    *Do not entrust your father in law to write out your directions, or be prepared to turn right back around to head back to his house after he gives you half the written directions to your destination and instructs you to “follow the rest of what you already had”… which “all of what you had” was the directions TO HIS HOUSE..

    *When husband says:
    1. “It’s only 150 miles”, immediately add at least 50 if not more to that total.
    2. Same goes for “Its only about an hour.” Immediately double that. Without question. See #3
    3. “It’s only an hour further” – ask to see Mapquest’s assessment of the distance to your duty station and to his dad’s from your hotel when contemplating whether, after finishing day 2 of driving and STILL not anywhere yet, whether to go to the post or to his dad’s house. See #2
    4. “We’re not going in Dallas, we’re going around Dallas” he actually means, we’re driving completely through and around Dallas to get to his parents house and using every freeway imaginable.
    5. “My car will be fine without an oil change” yet, the last leg suddenly his car goes down to past 3/4 a tank after only filling up 85 miles before…
    6. “My dad’s potato salad is famous.” Ask why. Do not immediately assume that it’s because it’s the best he’s ever had, especially when his entire family giggles maniacally about that statement and his older, married brother says his wife will be making him sleep on the couch when she finds out he ate it.
    .-= Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..A Comedian She is Not =-.

  102. We named our Garmin the Navigation Bitch”. As in “Where do I turn?” – “I don’t know, what did the navigation bitch say?” or “Navigation Bitch needs to stop effing recalculating, I’m just trying to go through the damn drive thru at McDonald’s”

  104. Jenny: Sorry to leave this as a comment but I had too much wine and could not figure out how to email you but maybe you purposely do not have a “contact me” link and interestingly, this is the first time I’ve had the urge to contact you even though I’ve been reading your blog(s) for a long time and it sucks that the one time I contact you I can’t do it right.
    Anyhoo, I think you could come up with something really clever related to these stories:
    http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/03/animal.mystery.chupacabra/index.html
    and
    http://www.newson6.com/Global/story.asp?S=11030731
    I don’t know, maybe this is the future of Wolverines. For you, I mean. Not that I’m saying Wolverines will transform into the mythical chupacabra. I’m saying that this creature might be your new mascot.
    Regardless of your mascot choices, surely your rich ancestral heritage of taxidermists will inspire you to say something enthralling about this thing. Or revolting. Either way works.
    Okay, that’s enough for now. Good luck.
    Cupcake in Oklahoma

  107. My husband bought me a GPS too since I was always getting lost. Always. Even with detailed directions, I would get lost. If the very explicit directions said, “go straight for two miles, then make a right at the 7-11 which will be on your left. Well, I would drive for what felt like two miles and still see no 7-11, so I would assume they meant the Circle K on my right, they just made a mistake that’s all. Only it’s a one way street, so I can’t make a right, so I figure they got it wrong again and I was suppose to go left. Really lost now. Mind you, I still get lost even with the GPS (when I remember it). I start watching the GPS thingy screen and miss my turn. Lost again even with the snotty bitch guiding me “go right here”, “make a left as soon as you can”, “at the next light make a u turn”, “get into your left lane now”, “make the first u turn you can”. She is very patient though, I must admit.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..Rebel Reminders =-.

  111. You could make a fortune in Managua. In Managua it is all about remembering where the buildings were before they were destroyed by the earthquake several decades ago.

    Also, I would buy it. I find my way by finding my way via the routes that remind me of all the other times I got lost.
    .-= ozma´s last blog ..Crazy Dictator Month: Depressing Edition =-.

  112. That sounds like me too. I remember once when i moved to a new place and I was asked where it was, my answer was “I’m not sure, it’s close to a 7-Eleven though”.

    My friends were all –> -_-“””

  116. Oh I so need one of those robots. That is how I need to directions to go anywhere. My husband is always like go north and I always have to remind him that I am his wife not his girlfriend and I have no flippin clue which way north is, ever. Couldn’t figure it out to save my life. Give me directions like turn left by Target and then head towards the tree with the face on it – I will get there everytime. I always have to print off Google maps before I go anywhere new. And I don’t trust those GPS things – what happens if it is a dud one? I could end up in another country.
    .-= Sarah (@scunning)´s last blog ..Blah =-.

  118. I call my GPS lady Leslie. Her voice is really called Julie, but that doesn’t fit. When my mom found this out, she got all upset because I had seemingly forgotten that her beloved cousin is also named Leslie. But that was right after GPS Leslie led me through the freakin’ corn fields of Indiana. She was all, “drive to the end of the highway and turn right.” And since, up until that point, she was like the shit, I listened. And so we turned right and ended up driving on dirt roads, paved roads with no lines, and roads with no names. Then once we finally reached a highway (oh, an hour later – only after asking a man on a tractor for help), there was a wreck and we had to detour it on more dirt roads.
    .-= Haley´s last blog ..Foot to Mouth =-.

  120. Jesus H.

    Jenny, you are the funniest sum’ bitch I’ve ever read in my life. If you ever get lost and end up South of Dallas, I will totally drive around, find you and keep you forever.
    .-= Erica´s last blog ..Halp! =-.

  122. My GPS once told me to ‘make a sharp right turn’ from Beltway 8 onto I-10. Never mind that Beltway 8 was a couple of stories ABOVE I-10 at that point and making a sharp right turn would have meant certain death. After I didn’t make the turn, the bitch started in on that ‘recalculating route’ and insisted that I make the next legal u-turn on beltway 8 (easier done than said, right?) and go back to where the reaper was awaiting me. I also don’t get why she throws such a hissie fit when I pull off the road to use the bathroom. There should be a STFU button on those things.

  124. I just read this post to my husband after I had started reading. I prefaced by saying “This could be me and you.” I had to stop reading a few times because we were laughing so hard I was crying and I’m pretty sure he was too. When I got through, he asked who you were because you are awesome. And I agree.
    On a side note, Garmin lady does NOT know how to pronounce street names in Hawaii. It confuses the crap out of her. But, it always made me laugh!!
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Two hour naps ROCK!!! =-.

  125. That condescending voice is the solitary reason that I haven’t purchased a GPS. I’ll stick with Google Maps thanks. Unless of course you get your Robot built. I would totally buy that!

  126. I went into the settings on my Garmin and changed the voice to “Lee, Australian english” and now, whenever I get lost and he says “recalculating” (which is, sadly, ALOT) I don’t even care, because Lee is Australian and he has the accent and he’s hot. I’m assuming of course, but at least he isn’t all snotty like the American english chick. She’s sort of a bitch.

  127. I always pull the GPS off the windshield as soon as I get into the car. Husband puts it back up, but that doesn’t stop me. I’m not letting that bitch tell me how to drive. She can see the road ahead of me? Fine. Can she make an 80-proof drink that tastes like chocolate-covered cherries? I didn’t think so.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Create Your Own Pen Names =-.

  129. I MUST remember to make time every day for a dose of The Bloggess!

    I SO needed that laugh. You are too funny!!! (But you already know that.)

    I get lost whenever I leave the house too. And yes, my husband also bought me a GPS. And yes, I do think her voice sounds condescending. BUT THAT is where our similarities end. ROFL.

    And I love what an awesome sense of humor Victor has. (I guess he’d need to have a good sense of humor.)
    .-= Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..There’s no Madison in Italy. =-.

  130. Jenny, I was sitting here all by myself totally enjoying my coffee and smoke before bed quietly reading your blog when I got to the yield and hand job part. I think I might have ruptured something but not to worry, I’m still laughing so it can’t be life threatening right?
    You are hilarious, dear lady, I eagerly look forward to your every post.
    .-= Cher´s last blog ..Elvis Presley: T-Shirts Galore! =-.

  131. My wife and I are portable-tech-challenged so the battery would be dead on the GPS if we really needed it plus neither of us has anything resembling a sense of direction. We consider getting lost as our opportunity to slow down, smell the roses, and stop at the next convenience store for a Dublin Dr Pepper and directions. We’re also ok with unarmed pedestrians who’re old enough to have a little gray in their hair but we don’t speak to anyone under 40 who doesn’t look, walk and talk like a nerdy geek. Geeky nerd? Wudever, somebody we can relate to.
    .-= eldergeek AKA don-guitar´s last blog ..Nobody Gets Out of Here Without Singing the Blues =-.

  132. I live in a small town in Alaska and when I give people directions to my house, I swear to God it sounds just like this:

    You know that snow machine repair place? Yeah, we’re right across the highway from there. Spruce Lane. Yep. Follow the road up and around to the right, we’re the third house, but first real driveway, on the right. Mm-hmm. The first two houses don’t really have “driveways” per se, more like a wide spot in the road where the people just, like, park. What? Oh, one-story log cabin with a green roof, you’ll see my truck parked out front… hey, tell you what. Why don’t you just drive down my road and I’ll flash my porch lights when I see your truck. Okay? Great, see you then!

    (I really wish I was making all that up just to be funny, but I’m totally not.)

    P.S. “Snow machine” is Alaskan for “snow mobile.”
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Week One: 60% Complete. =-.

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  134. Hand jobs down, funniest person I read.

    When I was on tour in England, I borrowed my friend Emma’s GPS. It was programmed with the voice of Eddie Izzard, and said things like “At the next roundabout, bear left … MONKEY RIGHT!”. If you fucked up, he said “Oh, for God’s Sake, you’ve gone and bollocksed it up again. Hang on while I find you some directions that are idiot proof.” And finally, when you arrive at your destination: “Thank God you’re here. I can shut up now.”
    .-= Nils´s last blog ..Allie and Fred =-.

  136. Okay, I totally pronounce it like you do. Weslay-ann. My roomie pronounces it Weslan. I’m like, dude, you’re missing like HALF the vowels….

    Oh, and after our first date, my now-bf called me like 20 minutes later and was like “so, you almost home?” and I was like “Nope, I’m still somewhere near downtown….not sure where” and he was like “how have you been driving around downtown for 20 minutes and not know where you are?” and I was like “I dunno, there are no road signs…. but I did just see a guy selling a dimebag” and he was all “Dude, WTF? Where did you end up? Do I need to come get you?” and I was like “Dunno, but I see a big road, so I’m driving towards that. I figure eventually I’ll hit 610, right? It’s a big circle….” and then we figured out that I had managed to drive UNDER I-45 without noticing it. Yeah…. So I definitely need your GPS. But I need it to include “Turn left at the big chicken” and “on that road where you saw a dude selling a dimebag”…..

  137. Your GPS should use Charlotte’s voice – that way your husband is eventually nagged out of his infatuation with her and you rest at night no longer worried that he would DO things to her.

  141. the horrible thing about GPS-es is that they whisper to you as if they’re interrupting your conversation and then you’re all like “SHUT UP I’M TRYING TO LISTEN TO SHEILA!!” and everyone in the car is asking you who Sheila is and during all of this you’ve now taken 3 wrong turns and Sheila is now screaming “RECAL- RECAL- RECALCULATING” because you obviously didn’t hear her whispering the first three times so now it has developed a stuttering problem.

    also, if you want mispronounced street names just flip it to spanish… Golden Gate Blvd. turns into Golden Cat Beh Elleh Veh Deh… try finding *that*

  142. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I do not know the streets that lead to my house. I have to go look at a map. I only know directions by landmarks so I will DEFINITELY buy your GPS. My hubby’s GPS is on crack. And what is up with the keyboard thingy being in ALPHABETICAL ORDER!?! I type on a keyboard all day and then he tells me to go type in some address and it takes me longer to figure out where the hell the letters are located than it would have been to just drive there!!?? So suggestion for your GPS, put the letters on the keyboard like a REAL keyboard!

  147. OMG i think all the women in the world have had this conversation with their husbands. I totally get lost on the roads that i use daily and as night falls, everything that was so familiar during day suddenly looks like a labyrinth. When I am alone i usually have conversation with my GPS lady as I keep telling her to shut up and I tell my husband that if only she could respond back she would take me on a wrong route on purpose to teach me a lesson for my bad mouth. ANyways i read this post last night and was rofl.
    have a good day.
    .-= Noopur´s last blog ..Gut feeling =-.

  148. Do you know what would be the coolest GPS ever!?

    That guy who does voiceovers for action movies. And have him give directions like he’s narrating a movie trailer!

    “In a time not too far in the future, Jenny took a left at the place where she gave a guy a handjob.”

    It would be an awesome amalgamation, no? And we could make it pretend that you’re a super spy….

    “Seeing the glossy black car ahead, Jenny took a hard right at Wesley-Ann Street.”

    What do you think? I think James Bond would approve. 🙂
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..Ah, sugar-coated heavenly bits of lovin’… =-.

  150. I have been reading your blog for EVER and this is the first time I’ve commented. Feels weird. Just thought you should know that.

  152. Victor — If Jenny lets you read this, there’s a free beer or two waiting for you in Connecticut. You’ve earned it.

    — From a guy who has had numerous … issues … with his wife’s navigational … “skills.” (Yeah, I’ll say it like that so no robots kill me in my sleep)
    .-= R in CT´s last blog ..ng3.jpg =-.

  155. I would TOTALLY buy that GPS. Except mine? Would say go past that place where you threw up on the way home from that party and turn left at the place you lost your virginity. Or something like that.

    And? The GPS robot lady is a TOTAL BITCH and not completely honest. Because the GPS I used on my last business trip got off on getting me lost in a really bad part of Tampa. I swear she was snickering when she said “Turn Left” … into the fucking bay.
    .-= Lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..Days of Grace: 177/365 =-.

  156. TEARS…. I have tears running down my face at work! I found you through 5 minutes for Mom… and YOU are my new friend.

    OMG…. I have to reread that again… it is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time…

    Thanks for the Friday laugh..

  158. I would totally buy this for my husband. We were in San Juan and my husband who cannot find his way out of his own backyard, asks the concierge for directions to a good restaurant. We going down the street looking for “Ponderosa Street” – in the midst of streets named Santa Maria, Escondido, etc. I ask are you sure? He’s sure. Pretty soon we come upon a Ponderosa Restaurant. That’s it, turn right here. I do. We are now looking for the restaurant called “Interpol”. We keep driving and entering an area I’m not too sure of. All of a sudden we stumble across a restaurant called “The Metropol”. That’s it, he exclaims at which point I punch him.

  159. “How long do you have to be missing before I can date again?” Possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read!
    I again declare my love for The Bloggess. I’m laughing still…

  163. I would like my GPS better if a) it wasn’t british and b) if it was a little more polite. “Oh, sorry but you missed that turn. It’s okay, love, there’s another one coming up. Just need to make a sliiiight correction. There we go. You’re doing great. You’ve obviously done this before. Very nice, indeed.” All of us need a little positive reaffirmation from time to time. Robots just don’t get that.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Nun tubes? =-.

  164. Dude, the robot GPS ladies are trying to kill us all. My friends and I took a little road trip to the Renaissance Faire (yeah, I know, it’s surprising I even HAVE friends) and I had printed mapquest directions and also took our TomTom. For some reason I decided that the mapquest directions could suck it and proclaimed that we’d follow Tom no matter where she took us. Well, we ended up in some rural “neighborhood” where I was certain that Ned Beatty was being made to squeal like a pig, and when the road turned into a dirt road followed by a sign that said “City Maintenance ends here” we pulled over and held each other while rocking back and forth. When we finally got ahold of ourselves and tried to find our way out, Tom kept saying “Turn Left Turn LEFT Turn LEFT” when there was clearly no road upon which to turn. Somehow we miraculously found the Ren Faire on our own. Probably the magic faeries or some shit.

  165. OW. I just had my hoo-ha all cut into for a biopsy today, and I’m supposed to be resting. Then I read this GPS entry and start laughing way too hard so now my hoo-ha is back to being all sting-y, and painful and possibly crying. So, OW.

  166. Your navigational skills are a perfect example of cruzan directions, those we use and live by here in St. Croix, USVI. With few street signs and other directional indicators, we mostly rely on landmarks and former landmarks in conjunction with random happenings.

    i.e. “you head down da road deh, and and pass the guys that play dominoes on that cahnah’, pass by where deh old shop that had burn down where dat deh taxi hit meh neighbor donkey”

    Come visit, you’ll get around just fine.
    .-= Nicole´s last blog ..For the birds =-.

  168. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

    You have just described _exactly_ how I navigate the world and give directions to others. I actually have, on my List of Imaginary Careers — Conceptual Existentialist Cartographer. Slogan: My maps won’t get you anywhere!

    Have I mentioned how in (non-creepy) love with you I am?
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Here & There & Nowhere =-.

  169. my ex boyfriend had this ‘great’ idea for an ipod app that would tell you the closest public toilets, with options for optimum privacy, the places that you don’t have to ask for the key, the best places to poop, etc. based on your GPS
    We broke up so feel free to steal it.
    .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Things I’m Pondering Today =-.

  170. Jenny, you’re my hero. Really. I just love how your mind works ’cause mine works along the same line. Now get to building that robot!

    Scribe
    .-= Scribe´s last blog ..Peace out, yo =-.

  171. Weren’t you talking to Victor on an iPhone? With GPS capabilities?

    Problem: Solved.

  173. I bet your secret lover appreciates the fact that you make such elaborate posts to cover your ass while you sneak around behind your husbands back.

  176. I haven’t figured out why it is that we (exotically delectable and highly intelligent women) have difficulty navigating on the road, particularly at night. HOWEVER, our wombs act as homing devices for meandering children, errant pets, lost keys, misplaced wallets, and any number of other household, domestic and relational (as in living people) items.

    As for the robotic voice, may I suggest a basso profundo Frenchman with a cold? Mmmmm, mmmmm. But you might just… circle… for hours.
    .-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Billions of bucks in the Love Biz? =-.

  177. LOL!! I needed this after my work week. You need to record these conversations so we can really get the full tone as I’m sure it is absolutely hyterical IRL. I love that he had to come find you. I have similar conversations with my hubby who swears the GPS was created just for me as I too navigate by landmarks. Hey, maybe we should have a road trip together. It would be an adventure to see where we end up =)
    .-= Charl Pearce (Simchabe)´s last blog ..Lead to Tweed… =-.

  179. Oh no.
    Now I fear the coming time when the machines are more intelligent than us human animals.
    They’ll undoubtedly be prescient:
    “Take a right at the next corner where the seat back will press on you and you’ll suddenly remember that guy you dated back in high school but wouldn’t put out for, then take a left past the bar where some asshole is going to give you the finger for no good reason.”

    Thanks for adding to the fear calendar, Bloggessfuck.
    Glad you made it home. Again.

  180. I’m so glad I’m not the only one driving aimlessly around Houston. I always Google before leaving the house… well I guess I used to, now I’m in the Philippines and even Google doesn’t know where the hell I am. But when I come back in a year, I’ll be lost again, right there with you.

    PS – I lived in midtown, near Dallas Street… and the you’re right that bar looks like it is straight out of Scooby Doo…
    .-= Keely´s last blog ..I drink pieces of *!@# like you for breakfast =-.

  181. Ok, I know you labeled this post “things no one find funny but me” but I am laughing hysterically now! THAT IS SO ME! I drive in St Louis anymore because the hospital gave me directions up there one night, but forgot 1 step & I ended up in East St Louis, at 8:30 pm with my 5 yr old son in the car & a dead cell phone. 🙁 I thought I’d hyperventilate. Did I mention I hate bridges over water? Like the ones that go over the Mississippi River?

    I am SO subscribing to your feed! I think I love you already! LOL
    .-= Veggiemomof2´s last blog ..Tip Junkie: Personal Assistant =-.

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  187. I was introduced to your blog today via the lovely 5 minutes for Mom ladies and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to them!!!

    Mercy girl, you are hilarious! Seriously. I spent the past several hours howling with laughter as I read your posts. My husband was looking at me like I was insane so I made him read and then HE was howling with laughter. There were actually tears running down our faces from laughing. My 3 children kept asking me what was so funny but I was laughing too hard to bother explaining 🙂

    Anyway, thanks! I totally needed that!
    .-= Tarasview´s last blog ..Mandie and the Secret Tunnel =-.

  188. My hubby got me a Garmin for Christmas since I call him all the time to get me where I need to be. I hate it when it tell me which exit to take and it’s the one i just freakin’ passed!

    Now if it talked to me in a n Alan Rickman voice, I’d forgive it!

  189. I totally want to get an ass-hole GPS. like, “What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you to turn LEFT! DId they have you on the short bus? Right, here. Honk at that car. What’s wrong with that bitch?? I’ll bet her boyfriend dumped her.”
    I would buy THAT GPS…

  190. Man, handjobs are so disappointing. You’re all excited to have a woman touching it, but then the woman isn’t as good at touching it as you are, and it’s awkward and taking too long, and you’re moaning because you don’t want her to feel bad that it’s taking so long, and you’re trying with all your might to climax, get this over with, and she’s working like a boyscout trying to start a fire…ah, college.

  191. you should set your gps to the aussie accent. it will still be all judgemental and stuff, but at least then you can picture a cute lil koala bear talking to you from inside of the box… if a koala bear gives you bad directions it’s not so bad, cause you’ll be all like “it’s okay koala, i totally know that you didn’t really want me to turn into on coming traffic, despite your insistance that i turn left… turn left.” cause koala bears are totally not known for killing people. i think.

  192. Seriously, I know how you feel about those homicidal GPS. Once, I used my Tom Tom to get directions to a casino in the Poconos. Well, after leading my down dark, bendy back roads in the wrong direction (I found out later) for 15 miles, it abruptly told me to turn left – OFF A GODDAM SHIT-YOU-NOT CLIFF! Not a single road in sight, just a complete drop of about 300 feet off the side of the mountain!

    Also, I used to have a boss who would give directions using landmarks that moved: “Turn left at the lawnmower and then bang a right at the cow.”

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  196. I loved this and had to read it to Wiliam (funny, we both laughed but in different places).

    My GPS makes me do illegal U-turns too! I need a GPS that tells me to look out for the median. But I would so totally buy your robot guy!
    .-= Lynn Craig´s last blog ..The truth among friends =-.

  198. I hate that Garmin woman too. When I finally arrive at where I’m going she’s all “Arriving at destination!” with this stupid-ass smile in her voice as if it was some huge miracle that I made it there in the first place. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve answered that with “shut the fuck up bitch”…
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..W.T.F. FRiDAY’S =-.

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  203. Ok – you navigate my locational reference. We in RI do that all the time except we’ll refer to where something “used to be”. I’m the more logical type, go x miles turn left at such and such street, etc. I know the urban areas of RI very well. And it’s not like you can’t just start driving a crosshatch pattern and not run into a highway, either a state or federal highway for that matter.

    But this past December I decided to drive down to North Carolina to stay with family for the holiday. I got the google map, but then said to hell with it and got a little TomTom GPS unit. I updated the maps, set my address as home, and then off we went.

    The only times I got flubbed was in NYC and DC. In NYC the exits are three across with no clear marking at all. So I just tossed the coin and took one. Miss Navigator as I call the GPS unit did well, she got us right back on track. DC was just my mistake but Miss Navigator figured it out.

    Door to door after 800 miles. So I trust the GPS unit, that is so long as the maps are kept updated.

    Use the GPS, embrace it, love it. And for the sake of the great greasy gonads of a non-existent deity, update it frequently.
    .-= Tony P´s last blog ..Traffic and Pedestrians in RI =-.

  204. I thought my wife was bad when driving home from upstate NY to Long Island she ended up in Canada.

  205. We have the same brain. When I lived in NYC where the numbers go in order for God’s sakes, I’d still say “You know, that brown building on the corner.” People thought I was stupid, which I might be. Now in LA where Go 3 blocks actually means it’s really 20, I’m just hopeless. An ex bf was driving with me once and couldn’t believe I had no idea where I was. He said “MY GOD, you’ve been here BEFORE.” Fool.

  206. So, this is EXACTLY how I drive. My husband is SO frustrated with me, and he KNOWS that when I leave the house, 15 – 20 minutes later, I’ll be calling for directions. Even when he sends me out of the house WITH directions (and he’s stopped giving me the QUICKEST route, he gives me the route with the fewest turns.)
    I HAD wanted a GPS until I was driving with a friend, whose GPS told him to make THREE U-TURNS on an OVERPASS! If that’s not proof that a GPS is premeditating murder, I don’t know what is.

  207. Seems like this would be pretty easy to build – just put a button called “nickname mode” and when you press it, it listens to you, and you can just blurt out things like “corner where I gave the guy a hand job” and it would record this. Then later, when you speak a destination, you can mention one of these nicknames and set it as a destination.

    Of course, the other option is to practice SIMPLIFYING and memorizing directions and put a compass in the car if you get confused about N/S/E/W.

    LADIES: I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE CRASH COURSE IN HOW TO NAVIGATE LIKE A MAN.

    I used to ride motorcycles a lot, and I could get where I was going without a GPS, a map or even the chance to stop and look at written notes. I would frequently do this for trips that were 300 miles to someplace I’d never been. Here’s how:

    Look at the directions, and like math, reduce reduce reduce to its simplest form. Eliminate redundancy or unimportant details. Then memorize, and look at an overview on Google Maps before you leave to get a sense (JUST a sense is enough!) of distances.

    For example, here’s how to get from Huntington Beach to the Hilton in Palm Springs over a 100 miles away through the maze of Orange County and desert freeways without ever stopping to check anything:

    “91, 60, 10, 111. Left on Tahquitz. If I go more than 30 miles/minutes or so on any freeway, I probably went too far. Always head East.” Can you memorize that?

    See, I save time and memory by eliminating obvious things like “91 East” since the whole trip is East, which I know because I looked at the whole thing on a map first. So why bother memorize that? Just don’t go west, ever. If you really have to include how to get to the 91 from Huntington Beach, it’s two more numbers – 405, 55, but you shouldn’t have to do that – you should know all the freeways within a 50 mile radius pretty much by heart. If you don’t, study a map until you do.

    It *helps* to check distances for each major leg, but you don’t have to memorize them. I.E., the 91 is about 30 miles, the 60 is about 20 miles, the 10 is about 20 miles, and the 111 is about 10 miles. Now how can we reduce that? Simple – “don’t stay on any one freeway for more than about a half an hour. If you do, then you probably missed it and should turn around.”

    Here’s another trick that shouldn’t be needed but good for night trips or where you might get a little sleepy or on your phone or doing your makeup and miss an exit: Check what city you will end up in if you overshoot a turn. Again, you don’t have to memorize them – just seeing the names once will be enough. Your mind will file them away and if you feel lost, and you see a sign saying “Entering Bumfark, CA” your mind will recall that this is one of the “overshoots”.

    There you go – how to get anywhere by memorizing one short sentence or two that a parrot could be trained to speak.

    Are you dumber than a parrot?

  208. What I really LOVE about that Garmin lady is when she gets you really lost, instead of admitting she doesn’t know where to go she ALWAYS says, “Lost satelllite signal” and just stops talking. Thanks, Garmin lady!!

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  210. If you aren’t feeling…acres of shame and humiliation for that happening to you, I don’t know that your brain is even functioning properly. Some girls make the case for male chauvinism.

  212. Okay, usually when I get a bunch of trolls days after a post it’s because it’s on digg.com but turns out I made it on the front page of fark.com for some reason. Troll-people, my top tags are “I’m completely overrated” and “No one thinks this is funny but me”. You’re not adding anything to the conversation I haven’t said before. I’m not saying to *stop* leaving rude comments. If you go to the trouble to write one I’m certainly going to approve it. Just that if you’re busy you can use that time doing something else because I already know I’m stupid. At least try to come up with an insult or accusation I don’t already agree with. Like the time that chick angrily accused me of wanting people to feed babies with penises. We *all* learned something from that comment. I’m not sure what it was but it was definitely something.

    PS. It’s actually very nice and flattering to be linked to by Fark. Usually when I get linked to on digg I’m flooded with comments like “Your retarted”. At least these comments are spelled correctly. Conclusion: I am totally moving up in the world.

  214. You’re so fucking pathetically retarded that it’s cringe-worthy. Your husband’s a strong man dealing with a women who’s intelligence rivals a brain-damaged squirrels.

  216. OK, so back when my ex-husband was being human, we agreed that we both had the worst sense of direction in the world, and he was happy because mine is even worse than his. But for God’s sake, since I know I have no sense of direction, I use my brains instead. I moved in with him and explored the town; six months later I knew it way better than he did and was showing him how to get around.
    The prize experience was when we went to the christening of his friend’s kid. We had to go from Maryland to New Jersey and be at the churche at 9AM. This would be a two-hour drive so he decided we had to leave at 6. I am not exactly alive at 6 but we fell into the car, along with my daughter. We got to the church at 8, of course nobody there. (This brings back to mind the time he went to catch a plane and left so early he caught the previous one, but that’s another story.) Went out for breakfast, came back and got the kid christened. So far so good. Then we headed off to the party at the grandparents’ house.
    Instead of getting directions or a map, ex just agreed to follow somebody’s car — a person and a car we didn’t know in a town we didn’t know. Of course we lost them at the first roundabout. No GPS, but we did have an address and a gas-station map — of course no small-scale map. So the ex went by whatever he remembered of what he had overheard of the directions. Naturally he would not stop and ask. We drove around, with the kid in the car, for at least two hours or maybe more like three, getting a scenic tout of Princeton New Jersey. Finally he broke down and asked; we were ten minutes away, on the wrong road. We got there as the party was breaking up and he saw his friend for maybe ten minutes. Then we drove two hours home again.
    But *he* threw a catfit at *me* for taking a highway westbound instead of east.

  217. I’m wondering if any of these comments come from locals. I’ve lived in four states and 7 metro areas. Houston is by far the most difficult city in which to navigate. I have a decent sense of direction and navigate well by map, but Houston is just a cluster fuck of roads of bizarrely named roads. What the hell does West Loop South mean anyway?

  222. HA! Now I know why my husband keeps telling me that he’s going to buy me a navigational system. He wants me to die.

    I’m canceling my life insurance immediately and making sure he knows about it. That should buy me some time.
    .-= Jo´s last blog ..The Liz Logelin Foundation 5k =-.

  223. wow sounds like somebody (KPIZZLE) has a candiru fish up his penis. In that case we should all feel sorry for him and forgive him as he would obviously be in much pain and unable to control his emotions. assuming he’s a he.

  225. My friend told me about your blog and I love it! I laughed so hard reading this entry, I can’t wait to read the rest. I also saw the squid thing on Sexis, that, I choked on my cereal so there are milk and chocolate puffs splatters all over my macbook. I already bookmarked your blog and will be sending out a mass emails to all my other friends.

    For the GPS thing, I totally agree! I hate hearing it say “recalculating”.
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Future Projects 2009 =-.

  226. KPizzle: do NOT make me come find you, moron. In addition to your inability to SPELL any fucking thing correctly , you are a MORON. The Bloggess is simply the funniest fuckin bitch alive and YOU are a MORON. Did I mention you are a FUCKIN MORON?

    Bloggess: will your newly patented GPS be able to identify the spot under the overpass at 610 and W 18th where I did it doggie-style on a homeless guy’s mattress with a former NFL football player who had amazing stamina while cars drove by and honked? (**TOTALLY** true story).
    .-= T Jones (and, yes, that’s IS my real name)´s last blog ..What a week! =-.

  227. You. Are. Stupid. I am terribly sorry to report this fact but there it is. Perhaps if you and I were involved I’d cut you a break… no, I would not. Stupid. Stoopid. Stewpied. Squared and quadrooplied. Homeless people do better. Don’t fuckin’ get near me, it could be catching.

  228. I call my husband’s GPS “that whore bitch GPS” because she is always, always giving us bad directions. And he insists on defending her. I think she blows him on the way to work.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..and downs =-.

  229. Jenny, you forgot to tell him that he forgot to differentiate between the plural and possessive of “squirrel.” (Not to mention women/woman.) I suppose you didn’t want to crush his fragile spirit?
    .-= Cynical Nymph´s last blog ..Aperture Priority: Low =-.

  230. My dad loves his GPS so much that when he comes to visit me, he had the nerve to believe the directions of “Sam”–yes, “she” has a name–over me when I freaking LIVE here. It pained him to take my way to the highway and listen to “Sam” say “Recalculating” 15 times in her bitch-ass voice. I could practically hear him apologizing to her out loud and mumbling something about making it up to her later when they were alone. Then, we went for a day trip, I told him to turn around take the very next left. There was no way to miss it and I was looking at a map and I am very good with directions. He actually took the time to pull off the road and type it in his GPS so that he could hear “Sam” and not me, tell him to, take the next left.
    .-= Holly´s last blog ..Further Proving My Theory =-.

  231. I don’t have one but my best friend’s (whose [did I spell it right?] name is Jezebel) totally sighs at us, raises her voice just a hair – she’s actually more passive-aggressive than anything. She’s all “hey you know what? You bitches do what you want. Let me know how it works out.” She generally displays a wholly inappropriate condescending attitude that I don’t care for. However, if she wasn’t the GPS, I’d so want to be friends with that whore.
    .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..Subprime Ruined My Life =-.

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  233. Just wanted to let you know that I have been reading you for a while now with my husband and we LOVE you. I have never laughed so hard. I can’t wait to share all your new stuff with him when he gets back to town. Thanks for helping out when I am super stressed by the way. I just started a new school year and am worried that I am going to have to start drinking but maybe I can get by with laughing. and drinking.

  234. Totally have to agree with what – slushfundbaby – said! I hate driving in Houston. Sucks. Bad. I always get lost driving to the airport. I try to follow the plane signs but they randomly start and stop at places!!!!!
    .-= Brittany´s last blog ..Weeeeenerrrrs! (Winners) =-.

  235. Oh yeah – I knew how it was prononced but I’m with you – North, South blah blah blah. Street names blah blah blah. The landmark thing is how I go too! I’ll invest in that GPS if you decide to make it!!! Please make it talk to me too for long road trips alone!!!
    .-= Brittany´s last blog ..Weeeeenerrrrs! (Winners) =-.

  236. THIS IS ME!!! I used to get panic attacks when I had to give people directions somewhere–even if I was in my own neighborhood! This summer, I lived in Los Angeles, and my Garmin, judgmental voice and all, was what saved me from getting horribly lost on a daily basis. I can not imagine driving ever again without a GPS. I love the posts that are dialogues. They are my favorite ones to write as well, because that’s when I get to show just how crazy I really am–and what the people in my life have/get to deal with.
    .-= CrazyGirl Nation | Advice for Crazy Girls and the People Who Love Us´s last blog ..Dooce vs. Dr. Phil =-.

  237. I just found your blog and I have just one thing to say to you – stop writing about me and my life!

  238. oh… my… goodness!!!! hahahahahaha!!! you had me laughing out loud for real, and i never laugh out loud, lololol and i never read blogs, except for when they are offering me wordpress help, and this was just the bestest bloggy experience of my life, sniff sniff… i can’t thank you enuff, there’s now a wet spot under my butt from laughing too hard at my age
    .-= Elaine-´s last blog ..Tiny Dancer 2 =-.

  239. Brilliant.

    It’s blogs like this that makes me kiss my internet cable*. I love you internet. I love you so much!

    (* Ok, I don’t actually kiss it. Not really. I dry hump it a bit sometimes, when I can make it look like I was just being jostled by the person next to me, but that’s it).

  240. Once, my GPS on my phone gave me directions to my house from a location in a city I was largely unfamiliar with. It gave me concise details, correctly pronounced street names, and delivered instructions ahead of time enough for me to prepare for turns. Fuckin’ thing’s out to ruin my life or something.

  241. That’s funny, The place you call “the place you gave that guy a hand job” , is the same corner I call “the place I got Chlamydia”
    .-= William´s last blog ..Ballgame =-.

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  243. Reading through your comments, I am starting to feel kinda bad for all those women who are really good navigators. All the troll comments I’ve seen seem to be from male drivers who are tired of gals like you and me who get lost within a couple of miles from their own house (I’m assuming, since you were going to the grocery store), but most of the drivers I know who get exasperated with me about my terrible direction skills are also girls. I bet half of the reason they get annoyed is because I’m inadvertantly propagating the idea that woman shouldn’t drive with my stupidity.

    Oh, also, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months now. Hi. I think you’re great.

  245. Bloggess, you are hilarious. Thanks for enlivening my week!
    You all might be interested in Randall Munroe’s take on computer driving directions, Xkcd strip 461:
    http://xkcd.com/461/

  246. Oh my word this is us! We don’t call her The Bitch we call her “The Car Bitch”, after getting lost a dozen times finding a route to Austin, and getting lost on our way home, and with maps we ended up taking a route what we call “the Bermuda Triangle” a friend gave my sister a Garmin for Christmas. Now not only can we find our way it takes us a different route each time. and yes we talked back to it, starred at it for half the way to Texas, thankfully avoiding several accidents and only running a few stop signs, we made it and home without visiting the Bermuda Triangle.

  247. Oh My gosh you had me crying!
    My husband knows very well I can get lost leaving the garage, not to mention trying to find my way out of the driveway. (note: 2 car garage, an a driveway that is no more than 2 car lengths long).
    So, I wonder did you too grow up in the middle of pastures & wheat fields too? we had dirt-roads, no signs.. and ONLY gave directions like turn at the house with the red door, continue straight when you see the farm that has a holstein, if you see the originial one-room school house with the pump out front you went too far.
    I later moved to a state that despite paved roads, road-signs, and heavy traffic people still gave directions.. when you reach what used to be gus’s gas station, they turned it into a shopping center, then they leveled it you need to make a turn toward bob’s old farm, which is now a development or a school. Seriously they gave those kind of directions.. if they included a road, they would say a name that is not listed on a sign or map, it is apparently what once-upon a time existed.
    So.. you are in such good company!
    My husband had a TSX that I swore was gonna take him away.. if I dared ask “her” directions she would say A/C on, radio on, etc.. I expected next up would be ejector seat on. psycho car.
    We got a tom-tom which also wanted me dead.. it would turn itself off as soon as I needed it most..
    These GPS units are evil!
    Thank you.. Thank you.. I loved this!
    .-= Gypsy´s last blog ..Cars, Play-doh & Legos… =-.

  248. Wow.

    The trolls here are stupid, and occasionally pontificating, assholes who have clearly not read The Bloggess long enough to realize that 99.8% of her fans are both insane and fanatical, and have yet to hear about the whole Shatner debacle.

    Honestly, trolls, you’re making me weep for the species…how many times do you think we’ve heard the whole “Durrrhurr!1! The Bloggess is stupid! Hurr, by extension, womens is stupid!1!”? Troll fail. Not funny, not witty, poorly-phrased, and poorly-written. (Also, Mozilla comes with this cute little beastie we like to call “spell check”. You might want to try to install it sometime, if your fat, flipper-like hands and reptile brains can handle the job.)

    (Also, fyi, Bloggess, I do *not* think you’re stupid. You’re hilarious and brilliant, and if I thought you were an idiot, I wouldn’t waste my time on you. Props for not letting your admirably scant population of misguided, borderline-retarded trolls get you down.)

  249. Pingback: Giving directions to a woman is hard « Blog Fiasco
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  251. I would dye for a GPS with Eddie Issard! I just found this blog site by accident and it’s hysterical! Great posts, great comments left by all..where the Hell have I been? (Someone move that big rock away from me!)

    I have GOT to subscribe to this blog site!

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  257. Wow, You, you’re really going to win some points with that comment.

    And I must protest, she’s not retarded; TheBloggess is merely spatially challenged–given the nature of your comment, however, I’m betting you’ll have to look that up.
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Girls and Directions =-.

  258. You are a funny bitch, side-stitch funny!

    My mother is a ‘landmark’ navigator and in order to communicate with her I have been groomed to use a mixture of both landmark and what my family calls ‘man directions’. When I tell my mom to go west on a street, I might as well be telling her to get into a train while walking on her hands. A glazed look comes over her face and her jaw goes slack, “Como say what?”
    I have to say, Mom – drive towards the ocean, past the rock that looks like a frog. Turn left (which is south) at the empty lot on the corner towards CoCo’s….
    I think instead of learning a second language like Spanish I should learn fluent landmark.
    I have the dream that someday she will realize where north, south, east and west are. I also have a dream that I will wear size two jeans and a wifebeater without a bra…I should consider dreaming of more reachable things.

  259. Pingback: Talking to the GPS « The Cynical Queer

  261. If you guys can make that happen, all of Aroostook County, Maine would buy one or more of them. The entire place runs on landmarks, some of which disappeared before the 1980s, so it’s not very useful for outsiders. The street signs always look like their stupid mom (the federal government) made them put them up, and they “don’t really mean it.”
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Not to belabor a theme, but… =-.

  262. I have not laughed this hard at 7:00 AM in a long time. My kids think I’ve gone beserk! Oops hope I ddidn’t pee in my pants doing that – laughing that is.
    I can totally relate, as I’ve heard myself be frustrated with ‘the GPS voice’ and heard by self cuss at her like a pron star. Thank you for making my day

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  266. It’s a conspiracy. A Garmin conspiracy. See, what they do is, they get you all hooked on that creepy “ruh-calculating!” voice, and then they tell you to turn left in the middle of a four-lane highway into a farmer’s field. And then, while you’re in the middle of the field waiting for Garmin to “ruh-calculate” itself, all these other folks with the *same GPS* show up in the farmer’s field, and they’re all, “what the fuck? Who the hell are you?” And you’re all, “Dude, I’m just trying to figure out how to get my axles out of this stubble before my car burns up.” And they’re all, “whatever, psycho. I’m getting back on the highway.”

    But then you’re all, “No! Garmin told me I had to go here!”
    And they’re all, “Whoa. That’s what Garmin told *me*!”

    And then you realise that there’s actually something happening in the farmer’s field, but instead of it being all //Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind// creepy, it’s more like Woodstock awesome, because there’s a whole bunch of people in the field who think *just like you do*, and you know they do because they’re all wandering around saying “ruh-calculating” and giggling about it. And then someone starts up their car stereo, and it’s something stupid like the Go-Gos, but someone else is playing Rammstein, and then you end up drinking a mickey of something that somebody had in their trunk, and by the time you get a call from your husband wondering where you are with the milk for the kids’ breakfast, you’re too drunk to drive, but you have a long and meaningful discussion with your Garmin, which keeps telling you to turn right onto Qu’Appelle “Doctor”, because it doesn’t know that Dr. also stands for ‘Drive’.

    At least, I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of conspiracy it is. I have the same GPS.
    .-= cenobyte´s last blog ..Loss =-.

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  268. Whew girl that’s funny. If it weren’t for the cursing I would send this post to my mother, who could get lost in a shoebox. She needs YOUR GPS. She says her GPS doesn’t understand all the highways on top of highways in Houston…but she just doesn’t understand her GPS.

    Also, my husband insisted on using the Australian sounding robot named Karen, who is CONSTANTLY mispronouncing streets like Bissonett or Greenbriar….GAH.
    .-= Sarah aka MainlineMom´s last blog ..So much stuff if my brain =-.

  269. There should totally be an GPS guided by a Chinese mother. “Take next left! No, right! A-Ya! You missed it. You good for nothing! You stab me in the heart, I feel better than this.”

  270. Holy OMFG… this had me rolling on the floor in my office. I SO needed this. Officially you are added to my reader. Good stuff. Found you from Miss Zoot.

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  276. Can you come over? Because I live on West Lion street and there’s a guy here looking for a hand job.

  277. I’m pretty sure it’s actually pronounced “Wes-layin'”. Which totally explains that dude looking for a hand job. His name is Wes, duh.

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  280. Hilarious post…very much enjoyed reading this!

    Our GPS is called Matilda and I am frequently cussing her out and threatening to throw her out the window at 65 miles per hour. My husband had this great idea. Thought it would be nice for him to change the voice on the GPS to a man so that when he deploys it will be a comforting man voice in the car. PSHAW! I told him no thank you, I do not need some MAN giving me attitude about how I am a terrible woman driver. That’s one of the BENEFITS of him actually being deployed. No one is yelling at me about riding the clutch or turning the radio up when the car makes a new sound. So I will just stick with Matilda thank you. Geesh.

  282. After dating my ex for a couple months, I could never understand how she kept getting lost when she came over to my place, even after she had been there something like ten times or more. Then I rode with her while she drove for the first time and it all became crystal clear.

    “So, as I was saying, my Mom is having a get together….ooooh! PINK HOUSE!…..where am I?”

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  285. This post was hysterical! I mean truly, laughing out loud the entire time, hysterical. And… I’m about to email it to my husband. Not because I get lost, and not even because we give and get directions like this (although that’s all tru) but more so because I can hear you’re entire convesation in my own head. I’ve lived it many times over…. I cannot tell you how many conversations I’ve had with hubby where I’m positive I have a fantastic must have idea, that somehow makes the sky bluer and cooking easier, or solves world hunger. He’s trying to talk to me about something real, I’m not listening.. I’m just going on and on about my idea, talking and talking and he’s exasperated, and frustrated… and I’m just positive that I’m onto something. And, all the while he’s just wondering why we can’t have a conversation about an apple without me building a new orchard, developing a new pie recipe and creating the best apple cider known to man!

    I love it.. thank you!!!
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Men Are Like Toasters =-.

  286. My step-mother found a GPS that has different celebrity voices on it. One of them is John Cleese, which at first I was very impressed by and enjoyed thoroughly. Then his cheeky humor got tired because he said the same things over and over again. Lame. Still, at least I could imagine him doing the silly walk while giving me directions.

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  288. OMG this is the way they give directions on St Thomas. There are no street signs. I have yet to see a GPS down there – but this is what we got for directions: Turn left at the yellow house – drive till you see the cow. turn right – it’s just past the chickens on the right. holy hell! What IF those people wanted to paint their house – what happens if the cow decides to find greener pastures? another yard to munch? (actually in 5 years of finding our house there – the cow is always tied to the same tree) and the chickens are always there too. weird.

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  290. Histerical 😀

    And a very interesting conversation for me. Because we (RouteGuru) have pioneered the technology to navigate using landmarks back in 2007.

    Please heck it out at http://RouteGuru.com (live only for New Delhi, India) and give your feedback.

    We use Google Maps API to (and only to) display our route on a graphical map.

    Cheers,
    Avinash
    Co-founder, CEO, RouteGuru
    (Avinash at RouteGuru dot com)

  291. Conversation overheard at work, about 10 minutes into the third phone call:
    Dale: No, the exit isn’t closed, you just drove past it.
    Dale: What do you see?
    Dale: Why aren’t you using the TomTom?
    Dale: No you don’t need an address. The TomTom knows where you are.
    Dale: Yes it does.
    Dale: Yes it does.
    Dale: Yes it does.
    Dale: No, you don’t need to know an address. The TomTom knows where you are. That’s how a TomTom works.
    Dale: You passed what?
    Dale: What do you see now?
    Dale: I don’t know what an [sounded like ikda] is.
    Etc.

  292. My husband can never understand how I get lost. I can travel the same road for years – like to my mom’s house – and get lost about 10% of the time. You, and Lana, are in the same boat I am in. Husband’s just don’t get it. Last time I said to my husband, “I am at a house with 4 cars in the driveway’ – he hung up on me!

    I have a gps now, and my husband demands that it stays in the car…so what good is that? The battery runs down.

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  297. Its like you were sitting in the back seat of my car listening in on conversations I have with my husband (while also having a panic attack because I think I am leaving Texas too) while he tried to figure out where I am by landmarks. Are you sure you haven’t bugged my car? Seriously its like you changed the names!

    Oh and I would totally by your robot!

  298. My reading this post to my husband just made him leave the room. It might be because our biggest direction argument is that I’ll say things like ‘turn right just before the quickie mart’ or ‘if you pass the train tracks you’ve gone to far’ Apparently it’s a pet peeve of his to give directions to something you’re never going to reach. I need to find more of your posts to use as a secret weapon. But first I need to stop crying (and maybe just peeing a little)

  300. Your GPS would sell like hotcakes in Rhode Island. That is how all Rhode Islanders give directions – by things that have been gone for 10 years . “Turn left at the house that used to be red, then right at the place where the gas station used to be.” It might be helpful to know what color the house is now, or that there is a Dunkin Donuts on that second corner now, but with Rhode Islanders, that info is not forthcoming.

  301. My Garmin too tries to kill me. She once told me to turn left and I ended up in a completely different city and she tries to make me drive into ditches. I told my dad she’s trying to kill me and he just laughed. So one day I threw her out my car window, I showed her who’s boss.

  302. I feel your pain. My Tom-Tom GPS is an unsympathetic butt-notch- know-it-all who talks down to me with a stupid British accent that I don’t even think is real. When I miss a turn and it takes THAT who-do-you-think-you-are-driving-one-ton-of-metal tone, it hurts my feeling. My one and only feeling.

  303. I have the integrated GPS and my car’s name is Betty based partly on The Voice. She only tries to kill me when I sass her or blatantly ignore her. Then she tries to make me drive off of bridges and do uturns on the highway.
    I always get where I’m going, though. We have a love/hate relatonship.
    I have a friend who always does everything her GPS tells her to do and that is how she ended up–no lie–at the edge of a cliff *on* the Appalchian hiking trail. She had to back the whole down the trail back to where she entered.

  304. I agree totally. GPS women are bitches. All they want to do is harass us and lead us to our demise. My husband and I were lost in Hawthorn Nevada and then lost again in Fallon Nevada trying to come home to Oregon. It was snowing on the over passes and GPS was all take the next right. We stared out into the dark snowy abyss for street signs. Nothing. We try matching our car up to the little picture of a car on the GPS and go slow to spot what it thinks is a street which really just is more like a giant snowy field of nothing in the middle of meth-town America at 2am. Eventually after trying this GPS yelling at us,desperately clinging to it, hoping it’ll actually lead us to something process, we look out over the horizon and guess what the flipping flip flip fuck we see….THE OCEAN!!!! I’ve never thrown something more violently than I threw that stupid bitch ass bitch robot.

  305. Oh thanks. It’s 4:46 am and I am trying to read myself to sleep and I am laughing so hard the bed is shaking and Roger just sighed and rolled over to get as far away from me as possible!

  306. Must think of something to make me stop laughing. Zombies.

  307. I totally drive like that too. My dad calls it Purple House Directions because once he was told to: follow the lease road until you see the purple house then turn left, when you see the old oak tree turn right, then follow that road until you see Ginder’s turkey farm. After driving around for hours (this was pre-GPS) he asks a younger person and finds the place. Turns out the purple house had been painted white 10 years previous, the oak tree got hit by lightening and burned down 35 years previous, and there hadn’t been a damn turkey farm there in two generations! However, I give directions by where the old school house used to be, the school house which has been displayed in our city park since my grandmother was in middle school. go figure

  308. I totally get what you say! When I started driving my dad would give me directions with street names, and I kept saying what? what? where is that? what? so finally he started to give me directions like: go to the street your aunt lives, then like if you were going to my office, then you get to the candy street, turn left after it, and then turn right the next street after your uncles house. It was easy not to get lost.
    But he also tells my mom to turn where the big park is, and ten hours later she’s all like, I don’t see a park. And so she gets lost, he gets frustrated and now my mom doesn’t call him when she is lost, but he figures she is and call her. But if you tell him there is the big tree or something he can actually figure out where you are.

    ps: I don’t know how I got to your blog, but I have been reading through it, extremely funny

  309. My sister in law was giving me directions one day and told me to turn right after the goat. ???? My question to her was “What if the goat has moved????”

  310. Hi, so I just started reading your blog last week, and I’ve made it all the way from most recent to this post. I…don’t have a lot to do at work. I’d like you to know two things:

    1. You’re making me laugh so hard that people keep looking over to wonder why I’m crying and convulsing.

    2. I’m going back to school to be an engineer, and I swear to God, I will build your robot. You will get credit for the idea, because that’s what’s right.

    If someone else builds it before I do, I can’t be sure they’ll give you proper credit, so you may want to start putting the hammer down on anybody trying to steal your idea.

    A thousand gallons of congratulations on your book success, all those buyers will be extremely satisfied with their purchase.

  311. My gps voice is Beavis and Butthead. It took us to places in KY that you only think are made for tv. I’m sure there were many people hiding behind those broken-down yet lived-in trailers/shacks that had guns aimed directly at my cute little green VW bug. We did actually get to where we were going, after traversing many washed out roads….and then Beavis called me a buttmunch. Good times. They also spontaneously started arguing once while locked away in my glove box with the power turned off. I was terrified that I was hearing voices….which of course I was.

  312. I need a GPS like this too but with one that also tells me to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and STOP LOOKING AT THE SCENERY AND CONCENTRATE ON THE ROAD – I DON’T CARE IF YOU SAW A CUTE DOG!

    This is why I have *elected* not to drive.

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