Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Having a cold on your birthday is even worse.

in I'm not really full of mosquitoes, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Random Crap, sickness, stuff better left unpublished

I feel bad for whoever said “Dying is easy.  Comedy is hard” because it was probably the thing he’s most famous for and he said it while he was on his deathbed so he totally never got any play out of it.  Unless whoever said it was someone already famous like Winston Churchill or something.  Then I feel less sorry for him but only a little because I didn’t even know Winston Churchill was trying to be funny.  And what sucks even more is that the whole phrase would have been huge on twitter because it’s both pithy and way under 140 characters so people would’ve retweeted the shit out of that.  So, it’s kind of a double tragedy.

Also, I think I have the plague.  Or possibly just a cold.  Either way, I’m dying in that way where you feel like shit and you just want to stay in bed but you already can tell that tomorrow you’re going to feel even worse so you should really be up and working today so you can rest tomorrow except if you get up you’re going to spend all day tomorrow wondering if you’d feel less likely to want to drown yourself in the bathtub if you’d have just rested when you were actually sick instead of forcing yourself to work even though you’re technically worthless and are making no sense and have such a fever that you actually think this sentence will make sense to anyone else but then you remember that tomorrow is your birthday so you can stay in bed and justify it as your birthday present to yourself and then you feel all relieved but right after that you’re all “WTF, me?!  Your birthday present is to allow yourself to actually rest when you’re sick?  That’s fucked up” and then I feel all defensive like I need to defend me from me and is this sentence still going on? Holy shit.  This whole post is a terrible mistake but I’m posting it anyway because I’m on a lot of cold medication and so it seems vaguely funny to me.  So bottom line?  Tomorrow is my birthday.  I probably have swine flue or whatever killed Beth from Little Women.  I’m too exhausted to make myself stop yelling at myself.  Isn’t it ironic?  No.  Not at all, actually.

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Comment of the day: Last “winter”  I was diagnosed with The Black Lung. And by diagnosed, I mean that I looked it up my symptoms on WebMD and chose the worst possible illness. ~ sarah

120 thoughts on “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Having a cold on your birthday is even worse.”

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  6. All you need is more booze. That’ll make you feel better. That’s what Winston Churchill was trying to tell you.

  8. Happy Birthday tomorrow. I hope whatever you have gets its ass kicked tonight and you have a happy day tomorrow.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Thanks! =-.

  10. I think I have the plague, too, and people have no sympathy. Good thing the plague is airborne because that means that even though I’m doing those socially responsible things like covering my mouth and washing my hands, it doesn’t protect those jerks at all because I AM BREATHING AT THEM and they will soon be sick, too.

    And if I don’t die and have to immediately be burned in a pile of other dead plague corpses, I will smile smugly and refuse to show sympathy. That will build character.

  13. ah crap. I can’t believe I didn’t send you anything for your birthday. I am the worst friend-you’ve-never-met-and-don’t-really-know ever!

  14. You have the plague too? I’ve gone through 3 boxes of tissue today. It’s not the kind where your nose is stuffed and runny, it’s the kind where every cough produces a marble of lime green phlegm.

    I think we should have a zombie parade and go around infecting people. They should suffer too!
    .-= Cyndi´s last blog ..train of thought =-.

  15. Seriously, bringing up Beth is low. And I believe she had Scarlett Fever and most don’t die from that now. Nice video. I think I am going to be sick tomorrow, like for real. Today is sick light.
    .-= Windsor Grace´s last blog ..Fighting in the bed =-.

  16. My birthday is two weeks before Christmas which totally sucks because no one ever has money to buy good presents before Christmas because they’re all busy buying good Christmas presents for everybody else. And, they wrap my gift in Christmas wrapping paper because they bought the jumbo roll, and what difference does it make anyway? Yours: 4 days after Christmas, which means you get way better stuff because of all the after-Christmas sales. I’m totally jealous. All except for the cold part. So anyway, publicly I’m going to say happy birthday. Inside, I’m still seething.
    .-= Twitter Fail´s last blog ..Is that all you’ve got? =-.

  19. Happy birthday, in case you feel too sick to look at your computer tomorrow. I submit that you give yourself an I.O.U for summer time to have a day of sloth for doing whatever you like. That’s a present worth giving yourself. And you can justify it by saying you would have given it to yourself on your birthday but you were sick on your birthday so it doesn’t count.

    Also, get earplugs. Makes yelling at yourself much funnier because you can justify the yelling part. You end up looking silly, which makes everyone else around you laugh. There, I’ve covered the comedy part too.

    Hope you feel better soon.
    .-= Andrea (@shutterbitch)´s last blog ..Not So Inert Afterall =-.

  20. You should just make some tea with a tiny bit of hair from James Garfield. Anything as bad ass as him must have magical healing properties as well. Just be careful. If you use too much it could turn you a little TOO bad ass. Then you would be Chuck Norris.

  23. The fact that I read that entire post and it made perfect sense AND I’m not on any type of medication right now should probably be scary.

    I really hope you don’t have the black plaque. I mean the swine flu. They’re basically the same right? Sort of. In a very abstract kind of way that is only true with a concusion. So, yes?

    Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope someone gets you some nyquil or something. That mixed with some of your meds might be a fun way to spend your birthday. Or it will be the fast track to the emergency room. You probably shouldn’t listen to me.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Did he steal a donut too? (Hubby as guest writer!) =-.

  29. Better than dog flu – I just got an awfully ominous notice from my vet and believe you me, you don’t want to fuck around with that shit, Jenny.

    On a serious note – be kind to yourself, Jenny and have a Happy New Year. 😉
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Be careful of what you wish for. =-.

  31. Happy Birthday one day early. And, not to be negative but your intern hasn’t given us any warning and isn’t that part of her job to get all your loyal minions appropriately notified so we flood your inbox with Happy Birthday emails which then breaks the email server, so good going unpaid intern Nicole for f@cking up The Bloggess’ email server.

    Anyhow, feel better soon!!! I’m sure James Garfield wards off evil spirits. Maybe you should recover in your office. 🙂
    .-= Les´s last blog ..Best of Blog Challenge 2009 – Stationery =-.

  32. OMG! Thank you so much for showing that someone actually added in irony into that song, which drives me crazy because the actual song does not portray irony.

    And oh yea, Happy Birthday. Try not die on your birthday, it’s cooler to die on the date of your conception it’s what the Ancients thought greats did. Like Jesus.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Wood Cookies =-.

  36. I got all of that. Shit. I too must be dying from some mentally distorting martian death flu. I’ll wish you a wonderful birthday cause I’m mean like that… besides I want to keep the argument going. And btw, you can’t have swine flu cause James Garfield would have gotten it first, he seems like he’d be cool that way… even though it would suck to have to sit under him and work while he had the swine flu snotty nose. That would be phenomenally disgusting. You’d have to stuff tissues up his nose. And Nicole needs to be fired, it was facebook that told me tomorrow was your birthday before I got over here, not her. She BETTER be off working on the Sarah Silverman Project or you need to cut her loose.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Facebook and Universal Timing =-.

  37. This seems like something you should get your intern to fix.
    J: “Nicole, I want you to find me the cure for the common cold!”
    N: “after much research I have discovered the cure. Turns out it is 1 litre of straight vodka”
    lol

  38. I feel bad that you’re sick, but you know what’s absolutely freakin’ wonderful? I no longer have to tell people I share a birthday with Mary Tyler Moore! And I have yet ANOTHER way to introduce you to my friends! What a great present you just gave me. Them. Whatev. Happy Birthday to Us tomorrow!
    And Twitter Fail–no, no. Not only do we also get jacked on Christmas, usually with the combo present, like, “Here’s a nice woodburning kit for your birthday AND Christmas,” but it’s always some damn winter gift like a saucer sled or a scarf, while our younger brother, whose birthday is in July, gets a bike, or an inflatable canoe. Total suckage.

  39. Shouldn’t Nicole the Intern be making homemade chicken soup for you or something?

  41. Beth died from tuberculosis, which is problemly what you have and everyone should just send you lots of money so you could have a totally kick ass birthday tomorrow since it may just be your last. Or you could get better, you never know with these things. If you do survive then you could tell everyone how you are more bad ass than Doc Holliday, because that whimpy bastard couldn’t even handle a little bout of TB, but you can, because your bad ass like that. You and James Garfield, bad ass to the bone!
    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Awesomely Good Stuffed Shells =-.

  42. I have this awful feeling that James Garfield is sucking the life out of you—just look at that last photo with him in his Santa hat? Doesn’t he look almost gleeful and spunky??—his eyes are even brighter! If you die and he comes to life don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    (and I hope I’m wrong with my theory–I have been wrong before)
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The joy of the slacker Christmas =-.

  43. You need to get some one to rub your feet and pull the fever down from your head like Marme did.

    Hope you manage to feel better and have a good birthday!
    .-= Cindy´s last blog ..THANKFUL FRIDAY =-.

  45. My birthday gift to you: The word “phlegmnomenally”. As in “James Garfield’s snotty swine flu nose would be phlegmnomenally disgusting.”

  46. Your birthday’s four days after Christmas? Sucks to be you, because I’m sure everyone is tired of giving presents about right now. So the least you can do is be grateful that someone gave you something, like the virus or bacteria or whatever is currently eating at your brainstem.

    Ungrateful b!tch.

    (but happy birthday anyway … clinks Nyquil bottle your way)
    .-= Lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..10 things I’m glad I didn’t get for Christmas =-.

  47. I hope you don’t die from the plague before your birthday. Well after your birthday either. That would suck. But if you do die, can I have James Garfield? I’m recovering from the plague so I’m safe and will give James Garfield all sorts of immunities from future plague contaminations. And we’ll celebrate your birthday every year in remembrance *bows head*
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Things That Make You Swear Off Family Gatherings =-.

  50. I’ve always fucking hated that stupid Alanis Morrisette song–like we Canadians have no idea what irony is! What’s ironic is that she made a shit-load of money off this song and the other one she wrote about being dumped by Dave Fucking Coulier!

    Oh, and Happy Birthday! I hope you feel better soon…and don’t have consumption…which what I think Beth died from. Or maybe it was tuberculosis. Regardless, I hope it isn’t either or those things.
    .-= Kendall´s last blog ..Lucky Doesn’t Even Begin To Cover It =-.

  53. Happy birthday, my little cutie-pie! I was sick on my birthday (AND Christmas!) last year, and it sucked. But here’s something to make you feel better: I just had my birthday on Christmas Eve, and I was well. But I am SIXTY YEARS OLD now.

    There.
    .-= KathiD´s last blog ..They say it’s my birthday =-.

  54. Beth died of complications from scarlet fever, didn’t she? Scarlet fever is just strep throat with a rash. Today we just take a pill, and no one has to lose the good sister. I hope you feel better soon.
    .-= Summer´s last blog ..Three french squirrels? =-.

  59. Hope that you live long enough to enjoy that birthday or at least torment your husband in a way that he will be haunted for a very long time

  67. Didn’t Beth die of consumption? Which I believe was also called TB. Which still exists today, apparently. And so does the plague, just so you know . . . I read somewhere that 50 Americans die every year from the black plague. How creepy is THAT? You should check your pits for bubues or something.
    .-= Expat Mom´s last blog ..Christmas Photos =-.

  69. I keep homemade cough medicine in my fridge at all times. It is made of lemon juice, honey and LOTS of whiskey. It will knock you off your socks. Speaking of socks….take vicks vapour rub and rub it all over the bottom of your feet and put socks on and go to bed. Has something to do with the chart of the feet massages(some Chinese thing), I am sure you have seen. It makes you feel lots better in the morn.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday!

  70. Poor thing…sucks to be sick on your birthday…and I do hope you get better soon. BUT before you do…could you write a blog on the music biz in just this style? I’d love to confuse the crap out of some of the idiots who think they know what they are doing. You have just the right touch! I mean it doesn’t take much to confuse them…they’d be analyzing your post for years to come. In the meantime, all kinds of cool things could happen!

    Happy Birthday and feel better soon!
    Janet Hansen
    Scout66.com

  74. From one birthday girl to another, happy b-day!

    Beth died from scarlet fever, but I always think I’m dying of consumption (doesn’t that sound so much more romantic than TB?) when I’m sick. The perils of a literary education.
    .-= Lady M´s last blog ..A Huggy Christmas =-.

  75. Did Beth die a virgin?! WAIT! I totally didn’t read that book and slept through the movie because I can’t stand Winona Ryder. Please don’t ever try to kidnap *her*.

    Happy Birthday Jenny! I hope you feel much better by tomorrow! Austin, TX is wishing you well.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Calves are only good for brushing =-.

  76. I have concluded that my birthday is just a day for foolish if not delusional beliefs that some fucking thing will go my way(merely because it is my bday) and people will care and be nice to each other(also in honor of my bday). And then it is just like all the other days only with ridiculous and unmet expectations. So, having TB ,birthday, and x-mas all on top of each other is at least good blog material and otherwise not a big deal. Hope you feel better soon. I was planning to tell you how great your blog is but all of the more clever ass kissers have done that for me:)
    Cheers.
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Losin’ It. Lost it =-.

  78. That post wasn’t just funny to you, even though you do have the advantage of being wacked out of your tree on cold medication. In between snickering to myself and lamenting your impending demise it occured to me that if you DO die from what killed Beth in Little Women then you will have died from what killed Doc Holliday which is totally badass. You’ll be just like Val Kilmer in Tombstone!
    .-= Thunderhowl´s last blog ..Thunderhowl: @Xenoplasm And that’s something you definately want to work right the first time, eh? Good luck chummer! =-.

  80. Didn’t Beth die of TB? If you have TB you should prolly be quarantined from the family and the dog and James Garfield. Hell, it was prolly hanging out with James that got you the TB. Or swine flu….

    I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help it!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..All I got for Christmas… =-.

  81. What kind of messed up person does it make me that I never read “Little Women” OR saw the movie? I thought I could make it through life without it affecting me, but apparently I was wrong, because now I have nothing pithy or intelligent to contribute to the “Did Beth die a virgin?” debate.

    Now I’m going to be depressed all day. But I hope YOU can have a happy birthday. (Please don’t let the thought of me moping affect you. At all. Or anything.)
    .-= laurie´s last blog ..Christmas 2009 Reflections, Part 2 =-.

  82. At least Victor doesn’t “reserve” a Christmas present all, “that one? We should probably save it. For your birthday.”

    My grandmother would do that to my mom, except her birthday was *before* Christmas and she’d have to go take a present – that was technically for Christmas – from under the tree. Yah. Shitty.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.

  83. Forget the cold, swine flu, tuberculosis, brain-eating syphillis, or whatever the hell exotic disease you managed to acquire. The fact that your birthday is so close to Christmas is reason enough to complain. Not only do you have to put up with “combined” gifts from the cheap bastards in your life, but Jesus totally steals your thunder every year.

  84. Do you know what makes the bestest present to yourself when you are sick on your birthday? A Wine & Nyquil slushie!! Happy Birthday to you! Hang in there! And tell James Garfield to stop breathing his swine-ish-ness all over you.
    .-= Lookie Lou´s last blog ..Geico Gecko, How ’bout Sally? =-.

  88. As I recall, the scarlet fever weakened Beth’s heart which was also worn out from being so sweet and loving all the time so you should have nothing to worry about! 😉 That’s OK, Beth was sweet and all, but the most boring character in the book! Your self-centered, crazy shit is what keeps me reading! You say the things that I would only fantasize about saying!

    Sorry you’re sick on your birthday!

  91. I had the black plague over freaking CHRISTMAS!!! I saw the light more than once. My husband had to take care of the kids and haul them around hill country for the festivities while I bled out of my eyeballs.

    So I get it. And I had a similar conversation with myself.
    .-= court´s last blog ..Google Analytics keeps me in stitches! =-.

  92. i’m sorry, i can’t help it. his picture looks so good on my wall, what would the real thing look like hanging up there?

  95. I got Plague of Doom’d out of my birthday AND Christmas this year, so I feel your pain! Cake helps. Somehow, no matter how sick I am, I can always eat chocolate.

    And since my cat insists on walking on the keyboard while I am trying to type a comment, I am going to take that as a sign that what she has to say is incredibly important, and pass on her message of “63*/sdfc”. If this ends up being the secret of the universe or something, I expect total credit.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..I would walk 500 miles… =-.

  96. If I remember the unreliable historical accounts given by my 11th grade English teacher, in the 1800’s it was all the rage for women to die of consumption, now known as tuberculosis. One of the symptoms is coughing up blood, so there were these special handkerchiefs with strawberries or something red printed all over them, partly as a macabre joke but also so when you coughed up blood into them it wasn’t as noticeable since they were already covered in red spots. Apparently all the women Edgar Allen Poe knew died of it and that’s part of the reason he was so pissy all the time.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..COMIC: Joe Bivins: Man Genius – "Feliz NaviDEATH: Shadows of Noel" =-.

  97. Yay You… for the birthday and for recognizing that you are the only who will take of you, although you have other people in the house who should take care of you, but you know they won’t so you have to, even when you feel like your about to die, but first you have to post something to feel like you did not die in vain, then you have to make dinner, and then you will have to run some laundry thru the washer so your family will not go without clean underwear when you are dead ( oh and so you have something clean to be buried in) so that your family and friends, the ones who did not take care of you in the first place, will not think you a failure… oh who cares what THEY think anyway… go have a glass of wine- unless you have self medicated with OTC drugs, then have 2! and take a really long bath and curl up with a really good movie like Little Women so you can compare your symptoms to Beth’s and know you are not a copy-cat die-r.
    Oh and have a lovely birthday… mine is in 2 weeks– sucks to be so close to the holidays… I always get cheated out of presents… ” Oh, that one is for your birthday it’s just wrapped in Christmas paper!”… blah blah blah…
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..I love Doctor Who, the real one from last season, not the new one… I wonder if he makes house calls? =-.

  98. dun nun nun nuh nuh nuh – THEY SAY IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
    duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh – It’s (almost) my birthday too!
    dun nun nun nuh nuh nun – They say it’s your birthday!
    duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh…. um… I don’t know the rest of the song, but imagine me singing it like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles.

    Also, I’m convinced the death flu comes from Houston. I caught it at IAH. Also, your airport is falling apart. WTF is up with that.
    .-= birdie´s last blog ..The Holiday Spirit =-.

  99. OH also The Mister’s mom is a nurse down there and she says swine flu makes you extra tired and sleepy. Has James Garfield seemed lethargic lately? Maybe he’s spreading some cooties.
    .-= birdie´s last blog ..The Holiday Spirit =-.

  101. The best Little Women movie is the 1949 one with Liz Taylor, June Allyson, Janet Leigh and Margaret O’Brien (Beth). I hope you don’t die but just in case. you should come up with killer death bed last words.
    Happy Birthday, feel better.

  102. Thank you for the video explaining irony, which I had thought had something to do with me hating ironing, even though I have to do so much of it. Now I understand that it would be ironic if the iron fell on my hand, crushing and burning it into uselessness, so I’d no longer be able to iron. I’d have another hand, but it would be the one I’m not as good at using, and who wants to wear clothes ironed with a weak hand? Sure, I’d get out of ironing, but I probably would have a hard time doing things I liked too.

    Oh, and sick on your birthday a second after Christmas ends? That just sucks. Years ago, I had the flu with a six-month-old, but my husband couldn’t take any time off. That sucked too.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Laundry and Other Responsibilities =-.

  103. There’s such a thing as homemade cough syrup? And it contains copious amounts of whiskey? This an American thing? Man, I love you guys. I gotta fire up a batch of that stuff for the next time I’m “sick.”

  104. who the hell was Winston Churchill again? did he do something important, like, invent sliced bread, or tampons??

  105. If you die some asshole will take over and ruin it for all of us. Please don’t. Get thee some Emergen C. Or some tequila. That kills everything, including healthy cells.

    But if you do die, make sure it’s not as horrible a dying scene as the way the hot Duke/Lord Whateverthefuck’s wife died of consumption in the Tudors while he was off screwing some next chick. Her death scene was all bloody coughing and horrible animal noises. Eck.
    .-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Afternoon Tea (and Scones) for The Queen in You =-.

  107. Jenny,

    I’m so happy I’m just in time to wish you a happy birthday. I wish you and your family every blessing!

    Also, Beth, scarlet fever: Wiki, wrong. Long sentences are good. How ironic is it that “The Elements of Style” has been sucking the style out of writing from the day it was published?

    XOXO
    .-= Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian´s last blog ..That was the year that was =-.

  110. Jenny, the w?rd is out… Swine flu is *so* 2009, the Next Great Pandemic is gonna be… Cephalopod Hemorrhoidic Influenza. You catch it by being on the same planet with someone who eats calamari. And it gives you both the flu and hemorrhoids. Be the first on your block to get it!

    Thank you.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..There’s a Fee For That, Too =-.

  112. crap! sorry i missed your birthday! i hope it was, you know, uneventful? i mean, at least you didn’t die or anything.

  113. Oh shit! You have the same birthday as my mother. She just turned 81, so you have a few years to go before you become crazily judgmental and lose your filter. Joy!

  115. Beth DIED??!!? I can’t believe you ruined that for me. New Year’s Resolution: spoil as many classic plots for people as possible. Bruce Willis is dead. Andy DuFrane escapes and runs off to Mexico. Red joins him. Marley dies. Rosebud is a sled. Edward wins. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same person. Cheech gets arrested. Done!

  116. Pingback: Actually Ironic | Not To Be Trusted With Knives

  118. I find it hilarious that people are making fun of her for not knowing what irony is when we have a whole generation of kids who don’t know what irony is. “I’m so ironic with my tattoo of a mustache on my finger.”

    What’s worse is, none of these kids even listen to Alanis Morissette because they don’t understand her music. But, it’s not really her fault. I mean, she’s Canadian and can’t help it.

    Also, she dances like that because she has epilepsy. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe she was having an epileptic fit when she wrote that song which made her forget what irony was for the rest of her life.

    My point is, don’t make fun of epileptic Canadians who don’t know what irony is. Even though I just made fun of a kid who possibly has leukemia, only I didn’t dye his hair green so it’s his parents fault.

    Feck. See, total dick-taco….

  119. I just read this post, because I’m looking for another post of yours and keep getting distracted. But anywho, my birthday is Dec 28, and I’m pretty much always sick on my birthday. Like, since childhood. And I think it’s because I wear my immune system down with all of the stress of the holidays and then after they’re over my body relaxes enough to let the sickness hit me. So my birthday present to myself every year is to let myself be sick. YAY me! It’s an anxiety/depression girl thing, I think. I know a few other ppl who are exactly like me in that manner…

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