You can’t take me anywhere, part 2

in blogging about blogging again, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

If you missed part one of my Mom 2.0 Summit confession you should go there first.  Really.  This isn’t the kind of post you can just jump into.

So when we left off I’d just finished brandishing a broken wine bottle at someone in the Four Seasons bathroom while dressed in 1960’s attire and an enormous wig.  The usual.  I couldn’t go back into the bathroom because of all the shattered glass but it was kind of cool because some of the glass shards got embedded in my flats so when I walked it made a tap-shoe noise and it sounded totally classy.  That’s probably why most people threaten others with broken bottles rather than switchblades.  Switchblades don’t make your shoes sound pretty.  This is exactly what I had just said to my friend Laura, who was hosting the party and she shook her head in an vaguely disappointed sort of way (most likely at herself for ever leaving me alone) and she pulled me outside.  I assumed I was being escorted off the premises and it was a nice change to have a friend do it rather than security but then she said that I had to come watch a Volkswagen demo because they were the ones paying for the drinks and that’s when I found myself in the alley in the middle of downtown Houston changing a tire in a petticoat and wig.  And I was a terrible volunteer because I kept making penis jokes the whole time which I’m sure were picked up by the mic but it’s really not my fault because the girl running the demonstration was all “Have you ever had to jack something before?” “Be careful that you don’t lose a nut.” “I need some help getting this nut screwed.”  Honestly, it was like they were daring me to not say something.

It looks exactly like we're peeing and/or changing a tire. We're actually doing both. Just kidding. Probably. I can't really speak for Maggie. She's good at multi-tasking. She might be peeing.

It was  pretty much the most elegant party I’ve ever been to where I used a tire-iron for non-violent purposes.  It was pretty bad-ass.

Then the next morning I ran down to watch the opening Keynote address because I wanted to make sure that the Hints from Heloise chick didn’t say anything bad about “that girl in the elevator with all the porn” and I mentioned to the maid that I didn’t need my room cleaned because I had like a hundred copies of SexIs magazine on my bed and having 100 racy sex magazines in your room is bizarre enough, but if you have 100 copies of the exact same racy sex magazine then people think you’re a fucking psychopath and I didn’t want to have to explain.  So I go down and watched the keynote and it was fine but I really wanted to ask Heloise if she ever just wrote “Hey guys?  FUCKING BAKING SODA.  The end.  I’m taking the rest of the week off, bitches” but they ran out of time to ask questions and also Laura had threatened to duct tape my arms to the chair so that I couldn’t ask inappropriate questions so instead I just asked the question in my head.  The Heloise in my head didn’t know how to respond though.  That’s probably what would have happened in real life too.

Then I got back to my room and the maids looked at me strangely and then I found out that they had cleaned my room and had arranged all my adult magazines into very classy fans around the room.  Awesome.

That night, hundreds of people looked at naked pictures of me in an art gallery.  Sort of.

Does it count as "naked" even if you can't see my nipples? I say "yes" because it makes this story much more interesting.

Afterward I came back to my hotel room to find that the maids had turned down my bed and had read the note that I’d left on the stack of not-really-porn-magazines which read “Dear Housekeeping:  I swear I’m not a pervert.  I just got sent all these sex magazines as a gift because I’m actually in them.”  In retrospect, I probably could have phrased that better.

This is where I should stop writing because this post is too long but I’m going to keep going because I have insomnia.  I suggest you stop and come back to read the rest of this on Thursday.

Day 3:  Today is the day when I’m scheduled to speak and so I’m already on edge.  I left a note on my stack of not-porn saying “Dear housekeeping:  When I said I was ‘in these magazines’ I meant that I wrote an article featured in these magazines.  I’m a humor writer.  Not a nude model.”  Then I remembered that last night I’d been vaguely naked in pictures at the art gallery and I realized that I was an enormous hypocrite so I scratched out the note and changed it to “You know what?  You aren’t allowed to judge me“.  It felt good.

Then I met with my three other panelists who are all awesome, hysterical and very, very Mormon.  I was a little nervous about this but they suggested we rename the panel “Three Mormons and a Bloggess” and then I knew it was all going to be fine.  Then they showed me how to throw their Mormon gang signs.  I made a slight alteration to mine:

"Mormon", "Mormon", "Mormon", "Wolverines".

Then as we were on stage they asked if we should do a prayer and normally this is when I’d be running away but they were so cool that I was all “HELL YES WE SHOULD DO A PRAYER” which is probably inappropriate wording but the spirit was there and so we huddled up but none of them wanted to lead the prayer so I was all “Dear God: Please let this panel be bad-ass and…um…I dunno…don’t let any babies fall down any wells?” and they all kind of looked at me and then said “Huh.  Okay then.  Amen.”  Because how are you not going to say “amen” to a prayer for babies to not fall down wells?  You can’t. It’s like a totally fail-proof prayer.

Then the Mayor of Martindale Texas presented me with a crown, scepter and an official proclamation of my Czarness signed by the cat that runs City Hall.  It’s moments like this that make me wonder if I’m actually in a coma and am just dreaming this.

Me: "I never thought I'd be a Czar...so soon."

This easily made the top 10 moments of my life and I may have teared up a little.   Stop judging me.

Then apparently God heard me talking about babies because suddenly there was a baby crawling up the stage at me.  True story.  Middle of the panel: Baby.

Baby. Possibly looking for a well to fall in just to fuck with me. Note that we're all oblivious to the fact that a baby is crawling up toward us. Probably because it's so rare that babies attack you on stage.

It was like when people get attacked by zombies and everyone else sees it coming except the people who are about to get attacked except that instead of a zombie it was a baby.  And the baby just kept on coming closer and I finally noticed it and I was all “The hell?” because it’s a cute baby but this is my spotlight, so just back off baby.  You know nothing of my work.  And my first instinct was to kind of gently nudge her away with my foot like you do to a puppy but that seemed wrong somehow so I just stared at it and wondered if the Mormons were seeing this.

The baby was uninvited but adorable. It totally had show-quality.

But then I realized that the Mayor was still sitting in the audience and I thought that maybe this was some sort of test to see if I’d really make a good Czar so I grabbed the baby before she could fall off the edge of the stage and just kept going with the panel.  So yeah, I *am* like some kind of hero.  But then it turns out that the baby wasn’t even aiming toward the edge of the stage and was really just there to try to steal my crown.  As if, baby.

"You can touch the scepter though. Because I am a generous dictator."

So yeah, I totally passed the baby test. I am the best Czar ever.

The end, I think.

PS.  I apologize for this whole post.  Honestly, it confuses me too and I freaking lived it.

Comment of the day: “Everybody knows that czars are supposed to kill babies. Way to fail.   Wait. No. They’re supposed to kiss babies. So you’re closer on that one.” ~ Stimey

199 thoughts on “You can’t take me anywhere, part 2”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. I think that baby was actually a welcoming gift for you from the Mayor. See? She is all wrapped up with a bow on top. The Mayor is probably cursing you right now for not taking her home. It’s rude to leave presents behind.

    It’s also rude to look a gift zombie baby in the mouth. I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere.
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..Kisses =-.

  8. As an on-scene witness to these proceedings, I can attest to the fact that they constituted the single most simultaneously bizarre, hysterical, surreal, endearing and uplifting moment in the history of Government.

    I said it then, and I’ll say it now: Jenny *IS* the Best Czar Ever.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Oh, you mean that Mom 2.0 Summit I’ve known for months I’d be attending is suddenly here, and I’m once again scrambling at the last minute to get out of town? Well, at least I’m consistent. =-.

  9. BEWARE! That’s a zombie flower pot baby. Just look at the cute little flower growing out of the top of her head. You think oh, look how cute, a flower and you sniff it, and evil zombie baby squirts acid in your eyes and melts your tiara, and then the first runner-up gets to be Czar. Just sayin’.

  10. I remember the naked picture of you from a while back. It is an image that has stuck with me.
    You are beautiful.

    Also did you vacuum freeze the baby for consumption later?….Because I am hungry!

  12. I read on that baby’s mama’s blog (http://mommyisrocknroll.com) that she actually took her first steps during your panel…just look at all the good you are doing now that you are a dictator! Don’t they (I’m ashamed to say I don’t know who *they* are and that I’m too lazy to google it) say that with great power comes great responsibility? It looks like your power as a dictator is to control babies. Good job.
    .-= momsmith´s last blog ..The Pope, a Lesbian, and a baby. =-.

  15. I love you so very much. I wish I had heard your panel but I was stuck in another panel being Laura’s blogger-slave. I kid. Of course we saw the live feed so we kind of knew what was going on in your panel and I instantly regretted agreeing to be a blog-slave for exclusively one track. So thanks for the recap! Did you know my awesome photo of you and Maggie is on my blog right now? It is. Because I love you AND Maggie.
    .-= Sarah aka MainlineMom´s last blog ..Inspiration =-.

  17. I admit I hadn’t finished reading this when I posted my warning about the possible baby-zombie, but I felt I had to react quickly. Here I thought you were a zombie aficionado (of sorts)… imagine my surprise when I see you cavorting with possible baby zombies, you know?
    Anyway, I’m tentatively assuming that you’re not frothing at the mouth and craving brains so I’d like to add that “It was pretty much the most elegant party I’ve ever been to where I used a tire-iron for non-violent purposes” is something I wish I got to say more often.
    Also, yes, that totally counts as naked.
    And Mormon gang signs? …Really? I’d hate to see what their initiation is like. Shit.

    *Beware of Babies* should really be on bumper stickers or t-shirts or something.
    .-= Stormy Cruz´s last blog ..WoW #1: Twitterpated =-.

  18. To start with Ian (avery’s bff went as a baby zombie for Halloween last year), yes she is a show stealing baby ask Ian he deals with her all the time. Love the fact that you knew she was there to steal the spotlight. I totally get the rambling it is how I roll.
    .-= Bobbi Janay ´s last blog ..What’s to Come =-.

  19. I love this. love it love it love it. Love the Mormon gang sign. I am one and didn’t know the sign. Guess I’m not as Mormon-y as those ladies 😉
    You are the coolest Czar I have ever known.
    .-= Kim´s last blog ..Looking Fear in the Eye =-.

  22. So my guess is that the baby fell out of one of the Mormon women on your panel, because from what I’ve heard they’re encouraged to have, like 9 babies each, and she was either too classy to draw attention to it, or she had already had so many babies that she didn’t even feel it drop out and had no idea. Unfortunately, the fact that you picked the baby up before one of the Mormons could means that now YOU are a Mormon too. It’s a very complicated religion. You’ll be getting a packet in the mail soon explaining how all this works.
    .-= pjwaldron´s last blog ..Must Remember Talking Points =-.

  25. I was raised to believe that changing a flat tire in a petticoat and a big wig was perfectly normal or maybe I just think it’s normal.

  26. My cheeks seriously hurt, Jenny! But after reading this, here’s where I am amazed at how great God is for answering prayers. My assessment: God heard your prayer, but knew you meant to say “stage” instead of “wells,” which prevented that baby from falling off the stage during your Czardom test! I mean really! That was a hell of a lot of faith that mom put in the government, letting her baby go up there on stage like that to give you such an amazing opportunity to prove your Czarness. Maybe she knew about the prayer somehow and that God would never let her child fall off the stage… and maybe not into a well either for that matter… and did it all in an effort to prevent you from getting kicked out of government like the SHORTIES did to you.

    Either way… you passed the test! I may move to Martindale, because where else will government tap dance due to the sheer choice of using a bottle over a switch blade? Talk about leadership!

    And PS: Totally relate to the VW experience. My question from them: Do you know what to do with a dip stick? Who came up with those questions?

    xoxoxo

    jyl
    .-= Jyl´s last blog ..Build-A-Bear’s Huggable Heroes Program Rewards Giving Children =-.

  28. My daughter (the scene stealer) will take over as Czar of Nothingness for the town Martindale should you choose to resign from your position. Sometimes she is a zombie. I have heard her mumble ‘bwaaaaaaains’ in her sleep before.

  29. Thanks for that! I was totally having a bad night, but reading this whole thing kind of made up for it!

  31. You know, reading your blog is a little like masturbation. I mean in that both things should take place in private, with the door closed, preferably locked, with some cover noise. Because when you do it in front of someone else, it’s just awkward.

    Like right now, my husband walked in as I was laughing hysterically over this post (seriously … tears) and slowly backed away, telling he’d come back later when I was finished.

    Jenny the Bloggess = Hitachi Wand of Houston. And the World.

  32. Jenny, please, please, please tell me you’ll be at BlogHer this year. My daughter will DIE if she doesn’t meet you (Yes, I’m taking her! But it’s a surprise graduation gift). She doesn’t know anyone else who takes as many meds as she does – except you – and has felt a deep bond ever since reading your post on being prescribed Meth. But SHE doesn’t take Meth, you know, uh, all her meds are legit. Like yours. I think.
    .-= Pop and Ice´s last blog ..OMG! Isn’t She Adorable! =-.

  34. I was so glad I was there. It was awesome. I think if you put “mom” in the title of the conference, babies just naturally appear out of the woodwork to participate in panel discussions. I mean, what other conferences would they attend? That, or people come to these conferences to actually have babies. I don’t know, it was my first one.

  36. Your life is fairly awesome. Who else gets to be a Czar, with a cat as a boss?

    Me, I just get blocked by the Premier on Twitter. Not quite the same thing. I think the internet is failing me.

  40. Hey, just wondering if your new boss — the cat from city hall — is okay with your entrepreneurial dreams for creating dead kitten mittens. Does that create a conflict of interest?

  41. So seriously, I’m starting to feel like you’re trying to outdo me. Because you’re funnier than I am and have a better blog and fantastic wigs and NOW you’ve changed a tire in a petty-coat and all I’ve done is search under a stranger’s house for a cat that hit my car while I was wearing a hoopskirt…No, you know what? I win that one…because I saved that cat’s life and all you did was make penis jokes…so there…
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..I Can’t Decide If This Is Sad or Funny =-.

  44. Awesome test and you totally passed. Someone was trying to probably throw the baby up there to steal the awesome czar crown u got from the mayor. It HAD to have been a total inside job. I bet it was the maid’s!
    FIRST the crown , then the scepter THEN the porn mags!

    Sneaky Bitches!
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Webcam-ness =-.

  45. I seriously love your prayer. I should do that next time they ask me to pray at church. Don’t let any babies fall down any wells…. amazing.

  46. If somebody tries to look up the meaning of “truth is stranger than fiction”, there should just be a picture of you and a link to this post.

    This sounds stranger than my day, and I was nearly fondled by a human-sized seagull because of my incredibly sexy cardboard ibis Thoth beak. That’s just an ordinary day at university.

  48. Pingback: Mom 2.0 Summit – Like A Mountain-Top Experience but Only Higher, Like Maybe A Cloud | Jenny On the Spot: Caffeinated mom, lover of dancing, glitter and glitter.

  50. For an instant I totally read this line – “official proclamation of my Czarness” as “official proclamation of my Craziness” – and thought, oh yeah, go Jenny! Then I reread it and *still* thought Go Jenny!
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..The Help =-.

  54. HOLY SHIT this is like reliving my last weekend in Vegas. But the whole broken bottle/scepter/random baby thing went in an ENTIRELY different direction. FYI: Once you write all this shit down in your blog it becomes ‘admissible evidence’ for the prosecution. The more you know.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..My Son is an Angry Black Man =-.

  55. When you say we should come back and read the last part on Thursday… it better not mean you aren’t giving us more stuff to snort at until after Thursday. Because that would suck.
    .-= Tammigirl´s last blog ..I Can’t Understand =-.

  56. If my wife came home from a weekend out with the girls with glass in her shoes and wine stains, VW jack grease, and baby poop on her petticoat, I’d, well… I’d have questions.

  57. At least she wasn’t a zombie baby because then WHAT DO YOU DO! I mean, it’s a zombie so you’re *supposed* to take her out, right? But it’s a BABY. You can’t dismember a BABY…that’s just bad form. Can zombie babies be adopted? Will they eat your brains in your sleep if you try to get them acclimated to human society? I think this predicament is one for the record books…
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..Dear Prudence, won’t you come out and play? =-.

  58. The only unbelievable part of this entire story is that you were on a panel with three Mormons and only *one* baby crawled up on stage.

  59. Honestly, I am so jealous of the Tiara, I can’t even comment. I have to bring my own Tiara to events…like Puptual Doggie Weddings. Not kidding, see http://www.TPPC.tv/15.php Now that you have one too, maybe we can both wear them to Blog World Expo to ward off the Zombie attacks only if you would stop drinking wine out of the bottle with my husband.
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Groundhog, Smoundhog! =-.

  61. I have to agree with some of the other comments. Because you totally had me worried I thought for a second the baby was a zombie, boy am I glad that wasn’t the case because it could have gotten messy. Mostly because zombie babies aren’t known for being neat freaks, so I’ve read. So, it’s good that this adorable baby (which makes me think “Oh, I want another girl for Mamacita” darn ovaries) was saved by the best czar ever.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Love at Lunch =-.

  64. I WISH a baby would crawl over to me right now so that I could have material for a blog post this morning. That baby was literature made manifest. I laughed about that baby. I cried. It was better than “Cats”. You and the baby are my heros. (insert humming of “Wind Beneath My Wings” here)
    .-= Rebekah´s last blog ..A shout-out to a Broke Foodie =-.

  65. The tap shoe thing is only classy til the glass pokes through the soles and into your feet. Then it’s just all ouchy and hurty. Very, very hurty. And slightly messy. Then slippery cause of the blood. Then you become all zombie like and your friends fear you.

    Naked is naked. PERIOD. That’s like that old riddle, isn’t it? The one where the sage told the woman to show up neither walking nor riding, clothed nor unclothed etc etc. (She showed up with one leg thrown over a donkey (hard hard HARD way to travel) and “wearing” a fishnet. Or something.) If I’m not wearing clothes you can’t see me. Even if I hide my nipples, cause that would be all kinds of wrong. As a Mormon I know all kinds of wrong.

    Well, I’ve read about it. *ahem*

    The gang signs were a cult secret. Those 3 Mormons are goners. And the initiation wasn’t so bad. You have to undergo weeks of ancient boredom torture, then they try to drown you. After that? COOKIES!

    Rita Runder said that she was all dressed up in a ballgown and had to stop for gas at a self-serve place (back when they still had full-serve places…I just dated Rita Rudner. SORRY RITA!!) and she said she looked like the Gas Fairy. I guess this makes you the Jack and Nut Fairy. ?

    I wasn’t aware of the 9 children rule. I only have 8. I lose. Damn.

    Here’s to adult magazine fans. (Why have I never seen instructions on how to make one of those on a craft website?)

    Elisa
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..You Can’t Take Us Anywhere =-.

  66. Wait. I didn’t mean I DATED Rita Rudner. Cause…well, *blush*….. Never mind.

    And no, I’ve never learned to make fans from adult magazines, but I can make slippers from maxi pads. http://familycrafts.about.com/library/projects/blpadslippers.htm

    And yes, I once tried to get our Relief Society leader to use this as her craft idea. (Relief Society is the women’s group in the Mormon Church.) She politely said, “I don’t think so.”

    Go figure.

    Elisa
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..You Can’t Take Us Anywhere =-.

  69. You entertain me everyday! (and I’m very happy the baby zombie ddin’t attack you, probably because you picked her up) I’m going guessing though, I’m not a zombie expert…

  70. I really think you should have that story published as a kids book. You saved the baby and you are a Czarina so that’s cool for the story. You’ll totally make a fortune. And it will appeal to religious groups because you included a special prayer! Very awesome but then again you have a tiara so should I have expected anything less?
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..How Verizon Saved My Life =-.

  71. I would think that since there are naked pictures of you in an art gallery you would not be allowed to hold such a public office such as Czar of Nothingness.

    I cant wait to tell Gary Hart he got screwed.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Beat the Bully =-.

  73. Hysterical. And, this may be a sin but; I totally covet Maggie’s shoes. Like, totally covet them.
    .-= Chelle´s last blog .. =-.

  74. I thought it was a FABULOUS post. Brilliant. Insightful. Engaging.

    (Or… am I just after your crown? Hmmm? Now that you are royalty, you won’t be able to trust anyone anymore. Except me because LOOK HOW HONEST I AM BEING RIGHT HERE! You should totally hire me as your Chief Security Officer. Or Court Jester. Either way.)
    .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..Everybody gets a trophy! =-.

  75. I just have to point out that the Mormons probably noticed the baby rushing the stage, they just didn’t think anything of it since this happens ALL the time in Mormon church. It is not so rare for a baby to attack you on stage when you are a Mormon. I can’t tell you how many times I have witnessed an embarrassed mother retrieve her baby from the bishop’s lap in the middle of sacrament meeting.
    .-= Mrs. Potts´s last blog ..How to decorate a nursery on an itty-bitty budget =-.

  77. Dude I am so afraid of those Mormon gangs- I saw a thing about them on dateline- or something like that, some sort of gang with signs, they were probably Mormon- and they may have been throwing babies down wells- I don’t remember that part so well. Anyway, I would say that you are safe from the baby, but the cat better watch out because I think that baby wants to be the boss.

  78. i want my all my shoes made with broken glass. i like the sounds of that.

    will you teach me how to pray?

    i’ve seen another evil baby like that before. those ornamental head flowers are known antenas communicating with the Ingeniuses, an alien tribe tracking earth czars for a future takeover.

    congrats on your inauguration to czar of nothingness. but beware of the Ingeniuses.
    .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..cast your vote: meghan vs. me =-.

  81. Is that the gang sign for Mormons? I saw that on the back of a pickup truck once and was totally lost & confused because, how do you Google that? Now I know. You have helped, yet again.

    They need help with their signing though, because that totally makes an “E”, which makes no sense. I’m not about to throw my neck out just to make their gang sign work. Yours is perfect. Which is yet another reason why you should rule them. That’s what this post was about, right?
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..OLYMPICS! =-.

  83. How do you know that was really a baby and not just a zombie in baby skin? I mean, honestly, maybe it was a different kind of test completely and you picked up the zombie that was really sent to eat your brain. But then out of the goodness of that zombie’s non-existent heart, it didn’t eat your brain. You should thank that baby/zombie as soon as you can.

    Oh, and I live in Utah and am constantly surrounded by Mormons, but I am not Mormon. Can I use your gang sign to let them know I am NOT one of them? Thanks.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..POM Wonderful Review =-.

  84. I don’t really know why, but this may be one of my favorite bloggess posts ever. And if I get fired for reading blogs at work instead of working, then it’s totally on your head.

  85. I’m not sure what’s more amusing, the post or the comments. As always, a pleasure to be in your presence. And to show you imaginary gang signs and partake of your wisdom and medicinal habits.

    xoxoxo
    .-= Petit Elefant´s last blog ..3 Mormons & a Bloggess =-.

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  89. Ugh. I swear I didn’t see Becky’s comment before I shouted Wolverines. And she used all caps. So I didn’t copy her.

    And her latest post has the word “Baby” in it which makes me suspect that she was the one that unleashed the Baby on you. Just sayin’…
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Contract =-.

  92. Man, I would have paid you to ask Heloise one inappropriate question just to hear her answer it for like 6 hours until they pulled her off the stage.

    (Did I just write that? I didn’t write that.)

    Loved seeing you, even when you weren’t yet a czar, and thanks for deigning to go to the slummy Mexican restaurant with me and for giving us a great tour of all the abandoned warehouses of Houston. Next time maybe we can see some sewers.
    .-= mom101´s last blog ..Inspired. =-.

  95. Look at the 1st and 2nd pictures of the baby. It is shooting rays of light from its eyes. Its a superbaby. Fortunately for you it kept its alien power in check. Or it could be reflections in the mirror. But you never know.

  97. Well this was a bit of a disappointment. You tweeted a link last night and I read the whole thing even though about halfway through you said to stop and read the rest on Thursday. Hey…if I didn’t always listen to my mother why should I always listen to The Bloggess? You retweeted the link this morning because you forgot to put a hashtag. I took that as a hint that you had made some changes. Like “The Bloggess: The Director’s Cut.” So I read the whole thing again expecting a scene with a unicorn or Jabba the Hutt to have been added. I thought perhaps you would show some nip action in the art gallery photo. Eventually I was left with the sole hope that the baby turned into a zombie and started attacking the Mormons and you would save the day by skewering the baby with your royal scepter. Where’s the gawddamned snow the weatherman kept going on about yesterday??? But alas, it was the same post. It just had more comments at the end.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..DEVO Needs Your Help =-.

  99. Such a cool wrap up! The baby had ruffles. You forgot the ruffles. I love that you are a Czar and not a queen. We have enough freaking queens/princesses. You’re the Czar of nothing – and yet of everything. Does one curtsey to a Czar? I really need to know.

  100. Oh my goodness! I’m totally a Mormon AND a Wolverine! Awesome. (Don’t believe me? Go to http://www.uvu.edu/) Does that give me the power to be as funny as you are? Also, that gang sign is totally real… Flash that in UT and you will go far. 😉

  101. You are awesome. I totally want to sleep with you now. And I’m not even a lesbian. What? Ok, fine. Yes, yes it is because you are a Czar. I am easily seduced by power. Call me.

  104. People probably didn’t reconize you in the nude picture because you didn’t have writing on your arms…ah…you didn’t have writing on your arms did you? Are you just Jenny the Bloggess now or is Czar Jenny the Bloggess?

  105. P.S. you naked body writing picture suddenly made me think of Sarah Palin and what she would look like during a debate.

  108. I don’t know which is funnier.. Your experience or Cedarflame’s P.S.

    P.S. The comments are good as usual. But that vision of Sarah is now burned into my brain. SCARY!

  110. I love you, Jenny. And I am SO PISSED at myself for not going to Mom 2.0! I missed Heloise, a copy of Sexis magazine, the chance to change a tire while wearing a dress, Mormon gang signs, broken glass, AND watching you be officially crowned by the Mayor of Martindale?? DAMMIT!

    I’ll be at BlogHer, and I just want to warn you – if you see me walking up to you smiling but my eyes look kind of crazy, it’s probably me having an anxiety attack but not wanting to miss the opportunity to hug you and spend a minute or two in your presence. I promise I won’t have turned into a zombie or anything.

    p.s. you should make a little button or sticker to hand out at BlogHer that says “WOLVERINE”. I would totally wear it.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Things I’m Thinking About Today – 2/22 =-.

  112. So what did you end up doing with the stack o’ mags? Because I’m guessing you were too ~busy~ to hand them all out. If you are repurposing them for badass collages and taking orders for a new Etsy shop, I’d NEED a pinata, the size and shape of a standard burro pinata, decoupaged mostly with the eyes of the covergirl. I don’t want to be too controlling of your art, so feel free to mix in whatever other images you’d like, but I would remind you that it is mostly the eyes of the covergirl, on a burro-shaped pinata, as those specs are solid. Please leave the pinata EMPTY. For now.

  113. Dude, the mormon gang signs made complete sense. Each finger was for some fucked up thing you’re not supposed to do so that you can stay mormon… Like, not have sex, not drink caffeine… and … well, check with Dooce for the last one. I’m sure she can tell you.

  115. I have to agree with A Vapid Blonde that you’re beautiful. There’s a song going through my head called “strange and beautiful” and it’s soooo you, but I just googled the lyrics and it makes me sound like a stalker, so I won’t mention it.
    .-= Ninja´s last blog ..The hours =-.

  117. I’m really, really disappointed that you went the whole traditional rhinestone tiara route and didn’t use my idea to wear your cat on your head instead.

    But I forgive you because of the wolverine gang sign photo, which is blatantly awesome.

  118. I ain’t even gonna lie…You will never know the extent of my love/adoration/envy/jealousy for/of you. I’m just saying.

  120. Pretty sure I just peed a little I was laughing so hard.
    Yes, you did forget the ruffles on the adorable scene stealing baby’s butt. Adorable.

    So glad I got the chance to meet you. Again, I think you should move to NC. We need a smidge more hilarity here.
    .-= Erin @mktg_mama´s last blog ..A Definition of True Community =-.

  122. Seriously, if you’re going to keep making me piss my pants with these posts, I think you should be pitching in for some Depends, or better yet some Poise Pads (have you seen that commercial about how they’re not for periods but some weird pee leaking disorder?) You’re posts are simply impossible not to hysterically laugh at, and I know you want us to laugh, but I think you might want us to piss ourselves too. And that’s totally cool with me, because I pee involuntarily all the time. So really this comment just convinced me that I need Poise Pads really. So I guess thanks for that. But seriously, you are f-ing awesome. Will you adopt me in all my leaking piss glory?
    .-= Tricia´s last blog ..My First Top Ten Tuesday! =-.

  125. You know, I hardly ever laugh out loud when I’m reading and I did it like six times just now reading this.

    There should definitely be more tests of this nature for government officials. I bet our Canadian prime minister would have failed. He would wait to see if Obama was going to rescue the baby first.

  131. Holy David Bowie! That’s the baby from Labyrinth! I’m just sure of it!

    That’s the babe with the power. “What power?” you might ask. Then David Bowie all sexy in spandex would say, “The power of voodoo.” Then a chorus of goblins would sing, “Who do?” Bowie would lean in with his frosty fabulous eyeshadow and croon, “You do!” Then you’d get all confused by his incredibly arched eyebrows and ask, “Do what?” Then the whole panel would swoon when he answered, “Remind be of the babe.”

    Tell me that’s what happened. That’s what SHOULD have happened when that baby climbed on stage. After all, that’s the babe with the power.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..All About Me =-.

  132. I love the post but am vaguely put off by the lack of picture of the artful SexIs magazine fans. I actually checked back to the top to see if I was on your mom blog. Too many baby photos, not enough artful porn origami pics.

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  135. I follow like 6 Mormon bloggers…they seem to be extra funny for some reason. I’ve often wondered if it is something about me that I’m attracted to Mormons..hmmm. FYI…Emmy Lou saying that baby is totally David Bowie’s baby from Labyrinth…I’m totally convinced. The power of VooDoo..whodo? Remind me of the babe. This comment is totally confusing as well. Much like the blog. It’s been a long day. And it’s only Tuesday. Seriously.

  139. I change my mind…I don’t think I want to be a czarina any more not if you have to take home babies. Whatever happened to a nice cheese roll. Maybe with some nuts. Congrats you’re czarness…now here’s your cheese log.

  147. You were very brave to have even looked at that baby, let alone pick it up. I am sure said baby was actually a spy, sent to surreptitiously insert a codified chip into your head when you most probably bent down to give it a kiss, because how can anyone resist a cute baby?!??! No one, that’s who.

    You did rock that crown, though, I must say.

    And I can only imagine how the fanned magazines must have looked. Pure awesomeness.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..State Of Being =-.

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  152. Jen,
    So glad you’re surviving in the wilds there surrounded by dangerous Mormon women and GodKnowsWhatElse.

    I remember that years ago a long pin stuck in a wig could be used for a lady’s self defense.
    Perhaps you could hide a tire iron in yours, just to be on the safe side . . . . ?

    [If you pass this idea to Heloise, I want my cut]

  153. A question and a comment. Are the Mormon chicks married to Bill Paxton?

    You most definitely saved that baby’s life because you are the best Czar ever. What else would the best Czar ever do? I mean, besides eat the baby.

  154. OMG that is one of the funniest things Iv read in ages. Zombie babies, sex mags arranged in fans by housekeeping!! Whatever next. I will keep reading!!!

  156. Baby was probably entranced by the glittery glass at the bottom of your feet and wanted to steal your shoes. If you had nudged the baby away with your glass-embedded tap shoes, she probably would have started bleeding a lot. Zombies would have smelled the blood, lurched up and totally ruined your evening with a feeding frenzy. Plan foiled. Bloggess for the win.

    But you know, good idea to get zombies into tap shoes. That way a zombie busting their arm through the wooden door to pull you towards your death because you didn’t hear them sneaking up on you; that totally wouldn’t happen. Tap shoes prevent zombie attacks. True story.
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..I want a lesbian financial adviser… =-.

  157. Aren’t Czars supposed to kiss babies, like regular politicians? Or is that just when you are “running for Czar”?

  158. You were really good at fake- liking that baby. (Good politician, you.) You looked happy that you had a cute baby upstaging you. Maybe in addition to blogging, sexting (or whatever that porn-thing you do is…) and an advice column, you should consider acting. From what I hear, actors can get good drugs easily. Or, is that musicians? Probably both. Also, where are the recent emails from Nancy Kappas, Certified Para-legal (or whatever she’s called?) Your assistant is falling down on the job. See, you are not the only one who rambles when they write. You’re just the best at it…. the rambler-whisperer, maybe.

  160. I’m sitting in a puddle of my own urine…it would be odd if it was someone else’s urine. I have laughed the pee out of me reading your blog.

  162. I’m still confused as to how you got on a panel with Mormons. Even if they’re cool Mormons. The ones I know don’t throw gang signs, unless they’re doing it behind my back, which may be the case.

    Looks like fun. I need to get to another of these mom-infused cons. Clearly, I need more wigs, though.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: Guys, put the lid down or sit =-.

  167. I asked you the first day if the things you write about really happen to you, and I’ll never ask again. I witnessed it all this weekend and your life is absolutely real, and amazing! You are lovely!

    I love my Mormons and I love my Czar Bloggess!
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..Pesto with Sun Dried Tomatoes =-.

  168. That Volkswagen thing? Worst marketing idea ever. When Saturn came, they let us DRIVE the cars and there was no tire-changing involved. Or if we did have a flat, I imagine the Saturn people would at least have changed it themselves, not left it to cute girls in fanciful dresses.

    But these foreigners come over here with their tiny cars and force our women – the flowers of our wonderful country – to do filthy work in order to degrade them? That’s because they’ve had an inferiority complex ever since we won World War II. Nice work, Volkswagen. Humiliate American women because YOU were Nazis. The nerve.
    .-= Suebob´s last blog ..Bachelor: Scent of Desperation =-.

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  172. The lady standing next to you in that picture kind of looks like Victoria Beckham. The adult person, not the baby. I didn’t realize that Victoria Beckham was a Mormon. Or a friend of yours for that matter. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. Her husband is hot though. Take picture with him next time.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Stop Punching Me =-.

  174. 2 things. First, we here at The Batcave love you because you make us pee our pants on a regular basis, and we love fresh warm pee pants. And 2…. you totally look like a compound mormon changing the tire. Like Nikki on big love. And we totally mean this in a complimentary way of corse. Go wolverines!

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  180. you just gave me ephiphanies (but hell, I bet you’ve got lots of stuff that’s contagious so … hmmm) the real reason I don’t come here as often as I used to is because I am so totally jealous ! not just the cool stuff you get and do but the fanfuckingtastic stories you weave about it all.

    but your title should be czarina. completely just sayin’. xx
    .-= Kimberlee´s last blog ..ah-choo. =-.

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  182. Okay, those Mormon signs look suspiciously like our Eastside signs. What is up with the Mormons not knowing their “M”s from their “E”s? I fear I am going to have to file a complaint with the International National Association of Keeper of the Gang Signs.

    They should expect a letter.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..To Celebrate a Birthiversary… =-.

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  198. I know you said to read this other post first and then read this one, but in direct defiance, I actually read this from the bottom up, then the other post last. They made more sense I think. Also, I know this is old news, but I felt compelled to comment, I thought you might appreciate it.

  199. Changing a tyre in an alley; not disturbing
    Being crowned Czar of Nothingness; not disturbing.
    Receiving scepter and crown; not disturbing.
    Mormon’s with gang signs; well…slightly disturbing.
    Baby with flower growing out of head; EXTREMELY DISTURBING!

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