This isn’t a real post

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a statement that won’t fit on twitter.

My friend at Twitarded just pointed out that Judy Garland is stealing my look on her new lotto ticket and I think that’s probably not entirely true since Judy Garland died before I was born so it’s kind of impossible that she’s stealing my look unless maybe she had a time machine, which is possible because she had lots of money for science and also she died in her 40’s somewhat mysteriously and I assume it’s because of time-travel-related injuries because you know that back then time-travel probably caused cancer.  Everything cause cancer back then.  Even red m&m’s. True story.

This post would be funnier but Victor is yelling at me to get off the computer so we can drive 40 minutes to the Dairy Queen because we miss civilization.  This is my new life, y’all.

Comment of the day: Maybe you ARE a time-travelling, amnesiac Judy Garland. You must team up with latter-day Mickey Rooney to find out for sure. And sing songs. And maybe fight crime. This is going to be a terrible movie. ~ Mairead

67 thoughts on “This isn’t a real post

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Dairy Queen! Get a peanut butter oreo blizzard. Trust me. Its a marvel of sinful smackdown.
    Also, Judy didn’t die. I’m pretty sure she does regular shows in South Beach. At least she did when I was there a few years ago. Although, I though she was kind uglier than in the movies. Still a fan though. Judy forever.

  2. Mmmmmm, Dairy Queen. I would probably stab someone with a rusty toothbrush for a banana split blizzard right about now.

    Your rollers are way cooler than her pigtails.

  3. You have an eye of an eagle. I think you should investigate in greater detail. It is totally inappropriate that people from the past are stealing your avatars and such.

  4. Well, this isn’t a real comment, either. A figment, a fragment, a bit of my insanity pouring onto the screen and into your mind.

    And I think I keep calling Victor, “Vince” whenever I comment. I think I like Vince better. It has a villainous sound to it, don’t you agree?

  5. It’s true. Time Travel was a pretty normal thing up until the 80’s. Then they realized they were making a whole crapload of time paradoxes and had to cut it out. “Back To the Future” was actually a documentary.

  6. Nope, Vince runs the pool hall: Victor has a Snidely Whiplash mustache and ties Jenny to the rail road trackes

  7. I know she had a lot of money, but I don’t know if she could have afforded on after stocking up on all her booze for the week. But maybe Doc and Marty picked her up after Doc came to see Marty at the end of Part 3.

  8. Maybe you ARE a time-travelling, amnesiac Judy Garland. You must team up with latter-day Mickey Rooney to find out for sure. And sing songs. And maybe fight crime. This is going to be a terrible movie.

  9. wait, the red m&ms cause cancer? i thought it was the blue ones. or was it the yellow ones? or the brown ones? or all of them. now i want a m&m blizzard. without the cancer.

  10. Another thing that caused all sorts of health problems back then was television. The electrons shooting out of the old televisions probably embedded her face into yours. Oh, hey! I remember driving twenty minutes to the Dairy Queen. We were fifty miles from a movie screen. That’s probably how I got this way.

  11. We don’t have a dairy queen in Australia……but we do have Wendy’s and they make awesome sundaes and shakes etc…..although *your* Wendy’s doesn’t and this caused us some great confusion on our last trip to the states….

  12. If you had an iPad and a MiFi, you could have driven to the DQ *and* been on the computer. At the same time. Just sayin’.

    ~EdT.

  13. At Dairy Queen, if you tell them the secret code word after ordering your banana split blizzard that you tried to re-create at home but couldn’t, they will give you access to a secret time machine in the back. Then you can visit Judy Garland and see what’s up with the cancer-causing state of time machines today. Oh wait. You aren’t going to the one on 1960 and Jones Road? Then never mind.

  14. Mmmm, the Fam and I almost went to a DQ yesterday, but we were in the scary part of town and I didn’t really trust that it would be actual brownie in my Blizzard. ewwwww! Just the thought of what was crawling around that place made us dash for the McD Land of Childish Delight that seemed much more civilized. But now I AM craving an oreo PB Blizzard. Guess I’ll have to get it moving to the outskirts of the metropolis to find one. The Chillins will be thrilled!

  15. love the pic of judy garland on speed. time travel would explain a lot. don’t dare doubting your posts after last week.

  16. The next time I see Liza Minnelli, I’m going to kick her in the shin … for you … and holler in her face, “And *THAT’S* for your MOTHER, for biting The Bloggess’ rhymes, yo!” … or something like that.

  17. I got an A&W in my town, but I do have to drive the same amount of time to get to the dairy queen.

    I had a customer at work tell me about how he lived over by Cody, Wyoming and he had to drive an hour or something to go grocery shoppin.

  18. That bitch. You should totally time-travel back to Oz and duke it out. She was so strung-out on drugs, so you clearly have the advantage. But I don’t want you to get cancer. Fuck. Just take in the shear satisfaction that you rock the look way better and that you are able to breathe and not a 6-feet-under pile of bones. Now *that* is a hot mess.

  19. I STILL refuse to eat red m&ms. And blue ones. And the ones with pretzels in them because those adds freak me out. *shudder*

  20. You can’t get all stink eye with Judy. She killed the wicked witch by innocently staring at the tiny, feeble munchkins. Also, she has sparkly slippers.

    Now, that’s a power combination you never want to piss off.

    http://booshy.com

  21. Dude, that’s my life, too. I love our rural area for a lot of reasons, mostly the lack of traffic and the quietness but I miss having a nearby coffee shop, a decent bookstore, movie theatre, restaurant, some place besides Walmart to buy clothes…. you get the idea. Most of the time, though, where we live is well worth the lack of convenience.

  22. Tell Victor at least you can drive to a Dairy Queen – I moved to the land where tea and crumpets are everywhere but can I get a fucking Dairy Queen? No. I mean, they HAVE a Queen already, so Dairy Queen just cramps the Queen’s style or some shit I don’t know about, so Dairy Queen is like outlawed here. All I know, is that Victor needs to stop yelling at you while you’re doing important stuff like blaming Judy Garland for everything. Pfft. chill out Victor.

  23. While I could totally see Judy Garland wanting to assume your life, steal your idenity and take over the state lotto I find it a bit concerning that she also is posting ads about town with her clearly tripping out on acid. I mean really…doesn’t she know that acid is a gateway drug? A gateway to what, I am not sure, as if that gate was left open I am sure that she would also have a needle in her arm, and Judy only liked to drink. Perhaps she has the munchies and it will be cured when you and Victor get some DQ. Good luck with the Poster Child Stalker.

    http://www.insatiablehost.blogspot.com
    http://www.pantypyramid.blogspot.com

  24. I have to drive to civilization too, but when I get there, it only reminds me why we live far away from it.

    And Dairy Queen is not civilization. Starbucks is.

  25. I’m laughing at the thought of Jenny being married to Snidely Whiplash.

    I live in a small town (voted itself a city because it’s the county seat–no kidding) and we have a Dairy Queen. The town next to us (less than 2000 ppl) where I grew up also has a DQ. What’s wrong with this world? In other news, we recently (within the past 5-ish years) got our own WalMart.

    Yes, we have indoor plumbing.

  26. Oh fantastic. Now I want an m&m blizzard. Way to mess up my whole not eating thing from like a week ago until blogher.

  27. i gained like, 20 pounds eating m&m blizzards from dairy queen my freshman year of college. so, i got fat and now you’re telling me i might have cancer too. awesome.

  28. Judy Garland had a cute, talented daughter and needed prescription pills and booze to be happy, so you are NOTHING like her. Plus, her husband was gay. You mentioned Victor in your blog. Are you leading into something?

  29. Somehow Ms. Garland just moved a couple of points upward on the “cool” scale in my head, so she was right to bogart your style. If she shows up with a shag, you should probably stab her, though.

  30. If M&Ms cause cancer, my husband is screwed. I, however, will be a very wealthy lady. In other news, what’s a girl got to do to get her mug on a lotto ticket? I want to be bonus zone girl!

  31. They have tornados in your neck of the woods right? Look, all I’m sayin is don’t get your fortune told by some old dude who travels in a circus wagon during a vicious storm, unless you’re looking for adventure and little people.

  32. oh sweet jebus she still scares the shit out of me. I had NIGHTMARES for YEARS about the wizard of oz.
    Only I was scared of Dorothy cause that crazy hooker was going around straight up murdering people. DID NO ONE ELSE NOTICE??

    I was convinced every time there was a strong wind that she was going to land a house on me and a hoard of little people will just show up with impromptu dance numbers and no one would save me from the tasteful bungalow just sitting on top of my crippled body.

  33. Considering that Judy Garland had a miserable life filled with nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts, would having her face on a lottery ticket mean “good luck” to anyone?

  34. It seems I’m not alone in wondering why the hell Judy Garland is on a lottery ticket.

    But if you are a reincarnation of her, can you go back to Oz and make a movie about it? Because after the new Alice in Wonderland I thought the “lady returning years later to the crazy fantasy world” thing was sorta cool and want to know what became of the Emerald City.

  35. Judy Garland travelled through time to console me that because I’m British I don’t get Dairy Queen. THAT is how nice she is. Oh, but she did tell me she stole your look. Sorry about that.

  36. What’s a Dairy Queen? Is she stealing your look too? Like that Princess of Wherever chick a while back? Watch out for Royalty Jenny – they’re all ‘look’ thieves. I know. I’m English. Elizabeth II completely stole my tiara look. Bitch.

  37. I’m totally bringing that scratch-off ticket to you at BlogHer (if Mr. Snarky doesn’t find it and scratch it first, anyway, because I am NOT spending another twelve bucks on this little adventure).

    I can’t decide if it will make me uber-happy if it’s a $30,000 winner or murderous. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Halfsies???

  38. Hey, since I don’t live, like, civilized & you’re on your way to the Dairy Queen, could y’all pick me up an Oreo Brownie Earthquake and one of them Dilly bars? I don’t have any cash on me, but I could pay you in Monopoly money ’cause I’m playing it right now & I’m the banker, so I could pay for, like, a fuck-ton shitload of frosty treats. Assuming that they take, like, fake-ass currency. Which they probably do –

  39. Also, I’m assuming that you’re still en route to the DQ because I don’t have watch. Has 40 minutes passed since you wrote about Judy Garland yesterday?

    P.S. – If you could also tell me what time it is, that would be fabo. Thanks a bunch –

  40. Have you considered the possibility that you are Judy Garland reincarnated? You stole your own look. Get a lawyer.

  41. If that’s true (and seeing as my Scientology/Reverse-Marty McFly religion believes strongly in the power of forward time travel I have no other choice than to believe it is), maybe she just did it so you’d notice and ask her what’s the deal? to which she’d respond by saying she only did it to get your attention so she could tell you about red m&m’s related cancer because she knew that you’d be the kind of person who’d totally understand and maybe even write something on your kickass blog warning others about the risks…?

    Then again, maybe not. (Tough to say.)

    Either way, while I do see a resemblance, I like your updo much better. Hers is a little too…er, busy or something.

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