I’m behind on a deadline but I have to write this now or I will forget all the details so get ready for the most confusing, phoned-in post ever. In fact, it’s almost all copied directly from my journal and the bulleted quotes are straight from my twitter account and so the tenses aren’t even consistent. If this is your first time here I suggest skipping this post and instead read the one about how the lady on my GPS system is trying to murder me.
I should preface this post by saying that Neil Gaiman and Ray Bradbury have been my two living writing idols since I was a school girl and if you comment “Did you mean Neil Diamond?” I will find you and burn your house down.
On Tuesday I got to meet Neil Gaiman. This is that story…
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Two weeks ago: Just read that Neil Gaiman is going to be in Austin at something called “W00tstock“.
Me: OH MY GOD, we have to go.
Victor: Meh. I’ve already met Neil Gaiman. Remember back in the 90’s when I called you from Vegas and I was all “That author guy you like so much is here signing copies of some book” and you begged me to get one and so I did but then I had him make it out to me? That was hilarious.
me: I’m going to stab you to death in your sleep.
Victor: Yeah, you keep saying that. What’s W00tstock?
me: I don’t know. It’s like a concert for nerds, I think? And people read stuff. And there are…I dunno…ukuleles? And one of the guys from MythBusters is there. The nice one. And Wil Wheaton invented it, I think. Although I don’t think he’s actually there…
Victor: That sounds…terrible.
me: NEIL FUCKING GAIMAN.
Victor: I’m going to bed.
me: I’ll be in to stab you later.
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So then (since Victor was all Why-would-we-buy-tickets-to-something-you-can’t-even-explain-properly) I started lobbying the Houston Chronicle on twitter:
- Dear Houston Chronicle: I’ve worked for you for years. Please send me to see @neilhimself at W00tstock in Austin. You totally owe me.
- I’ll need a new press pass, a letter of recommendation and possibly a babysitter for the night. For my kid, I mean. Not for me.
- Fine. For me too. Also, I’ll need money to bribe security to let me backstage. And some sort of disguise if that doesn’t work.
- If successful I will return with an interview from @neilhimself which I will probably just make up myself after being thrown in jail.
- Also a lock of his hair. Or his used water glass. Depends on how tight security is.
Then Neil tweeted back that the Chronicle should totally back me on this and I tweeted back “Dude, from your lips to their ears” which is a really great phrase that actually doesn’t work at all electronically.
As usual, the Chronicle ignored me completely. It was a good call on their part.
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But then(!) Victor bought me a ticket because he really is a good guy underneath it all and also because I started leaving a butcher knife beside his pillow every morning. He also bought a ticket for himself because I “can’t be trusted alone” and Neil agreed to meet me to answer my single interview question and that’s when I realized that I would most likely end up standing him up because the only thing more terrifying than the thought of never meeting your idols is the thought of them actually having to meet you. But then my friend Meago was all “No. The scariest thing ever is having dead army generals chase you around with chainsaws for hands” and she has a point.
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It’s the day of W00tstock. I still haven’t come up with a good one-question interview so instead I just decided to use the completely inappropriate interview question that I’d asked all the contestants last month when I was judging a Texas Beauty Contest as the acting Czar of Martindale, Texas (Beauty pageant story still to come, promise) but it seems a moot point because Neil missed his flight and so I assumed my 10 minutes with him would probably be cut.
- I’m supposed to meet @neilhimself in a few hours but he missed his flight & I haven’t even showered yet. The fates are aligning against us.
- And by “the fates” I mean “our apparently common lack of responsibility”.
- Unless @neilhimself missed his first flight bc he stopped to rescue drowning orphans. Then I’m the only irresponsible one.
- Although *technically* I’m saving water over here and that’s totally responsible. And practically as good as saving orphans.
- Conclusion: @neilhimself and I are goddamn American heroes.
- Except that he’s English. Hell.
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Eventually though I did manage to shower and get out the door and when I plugged in the address of the theater into our GPS it said it was 66.6 miles away, which seemed an ominous sign so I immediately told Victor to circle around the block once to add at least .1 miles to the trip but he refused because he doesn’t take the apocalypse seriously.
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Victor in the car: I can’t believe you’re dragging me to this thing. They’d better freeze someone in carbonite or something or I’m gonna be pissed.
me: Dude, you’re gonna love it. It’s like Woodstock, but for nerds.
Victor: I’m not a nerd. This whole thing was organized by some damn Star Trek guy. If Harrison Ford was doing this I guarantee you Neil Gaiman would already fucking be here.
me: Okay, seriously? You’re talking about freezing people in kryptonite and comparing Han Solo to Wesley Crusher on the basis of their organizational skills. It’s like this event was made for you.
Victor: Are you fucking kidding me?! CARBONITE. Kryptonite is what you use to fight Superman. I will pull this damn car over.
me: Okay, now you’re just proving my point for me.
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- Victor: Is that a fucking *dog* in your purse? Me: no. It’s an emergency wig. Victor: OF COURSE IT IS.
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- At the restaurant outside the theatre. On the menu: “shoulder”.
- Me: How’s the shoulder? Waitress: It’s delicious. Me: Do you have any ankle?
- Because that’s how classy I am. I order my ankle off-menu. I should probably stop drinking.
- By the way, they aren’t serving ankle tonight. Apparently. This is a terrible restaurant.
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- In the lobby at #w00tstock. Victor is the only person in this theatre not live-tweeting this shit out.
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W00tstock has started. It is awesome and unexplainable. It’s like if the Internet and science had a bad-ass baby. That cursed a lot. And played the ukulele. It’s complicated.
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Intermission. Victor and I are taken down lots and lots of stairs and I start to suspect we’re going to be mugged but then suddenly there’s Neil Gaiman and I reminded myself to calm down because I’ve met a lot of famous people and I never get fan-girly but it’s too late because OMGNEILGAIMAN. Then I hugged him and thanked him for helping me with my book and welcomed him to Austin as an official czar of Texas.
He was gracious and sweet and seemed vaguely baffled by me but in a very charming way and I explained that at the Miss Kyle Texas beauty pageant I’d been allowed to ask the contestants a question and that none of them had been able to answer it to my satisfaction so I thought he could give it a go and he was like “Of course. Please continue” and I took a deep breath and asked gravely “In an epic battle for world domination between unicorns and zombies, who would win?” Then Victor gave me a look like “WTF?” because he honestly had no idea that was my question but Neil (without pause, like the bad-ass he is) stated confidently “Unicorns, of course”. And I was a little shocked at how quickly he came up with his answer so I was all “Okay, show your math” and he explained that “unicorns not only had the ability to run the zombies through with their horns but also they would be able to hoove the zombies and they’d all turn to sludge. There would be sludge everywhere but unicorns would be victorious” and I probably should have just said “Exactly!” but instead I was all “No. That’s not the right answer at all but I will give you extra points for using ‘hoove’ as a verb because I’d honestly never even considered how much hooving would be going on with unicorns”.
Then I’d like to think that he asked me what my opinion was because that would seem less insane than what really happened, which is that I proceeded to tell him exactly how the zombie/unicorn showdown would go down (utterly unasked for). I explained that the zombies win because (as we all know) unicorns can only appear to virgins and so all the unicorns would be forced to hang out in elementary school halls while the zombies continue to multiply into enormous hordes and so the unicorn numbers would stay exactly the same because unicorns are all about innocence so it’s not like they’re going to have sex in front of school children so mathematically the zombies would win by sheer number. Then Neil and Victor just stared at me and I was all “It’s science” and then Neil conceded that he did see my point but that it wasn’t like zombies are having sex and multiplying either and I clarified that I meant they were multiplying by being bitey, not by having zombie sex and he was all “Ah, obviously” and then I may have said something about how zombie porn is a pretty-much untapped market and Neil may have agreed with me. It all got kind of fuzzy and I began wishing I hadn’t hit the bar before coming. Victor just sort of stayed quiet and gave me a look that said “For the love of God, stop talking“. Then we discussed how we could only really settle this with a control group of unicorns and zombies and that this is exactly the kind of shit that really should be covered on MythBusters, which was made all the more surreal by the fact that Adam Savage was standing right at the door as we were discussing this but Adam wasn’t really paying attention because he was too busy talking to the chick that was on MST3K. This is all true, y’all.
Then I asked Neil if I could take a picture with him but I wanted something different since everyone takes the same picture with Neil Gaiman and I asked if we could pretend to be bunnies or something and he was all “Wait. I have just the thing” and he pulled out a monkey hat from his suitcase. He suggested that we pose as “serious authors” in an American Gothic sort of way and so we did. And it was awesome.
Then he asked if I wanted to wear the monkey hat and of course I said no because that would be ridiculous.
Then we said goodbye and as Victor and I walked up the stairs I was all “Dude. I just got to meet one of my heroes. This would be like if you got to meet…I dunno…Doc Oc” and Victor was like “Yeah, he’s a nice guy. But who the fuck chooses unicorns over zombies?” and I was all “Well, he’s unpredictable like that”.
Also, I apologize here to Neil for being so gushy and I promise to never again be that overtly fan-girly unless Ray Bradbury suddenly starts tweeting or Dorothy Parker rises from the grave. I suspect the latter is more possible.
PS. My friend Karen has a theory that the unicorns would win because even if they killed a unicorn the zombies would eat the unicorn blood and then turn back into people since JK Rowling says that unicorn blood can bring you back from the dead, but I assured her that JK Rowling is not part of the zombie canon and that zombies have lost their souls so even if unicorn blood did make them alive again they’d still be soul-less zombies except that now they’d be super fast and not slow-and-lumbering because they wouldn’t have to deal with rigor mortis anymore and she was all “My God. You’ve really thought this through”. And yes. Yes, I have.
PPS. Yes, I know some people will say that zombies are so 2009 and that I should move on but I’m sorry but cholera was so 1892 but I’m still pretty fucking concerned about that too. Plus, cholera won’t eat your face off and also those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it. Except that the zombie apocalypse hasn’t even happened yet so we don’t even have past evidence to go on. Continued vigilance, y’all.
PPPS. I still can’t really explain what W00tstock is but this 30 seconds of the hosts of W00tstock forcing the sign language interpreters to sign “elephant spunk” over and over is pretty indicative of its general awesomeness.
Yay, new post. I’m giddy with excitement.
Oh my lord, I am giggling and clapping like a wind-up toy monkey. Great post, great monkey hat, great taste in author idols.
Love it,
Helen Ellis
“and Victor was like “Yeah, he’s a nice guy. But who the fuck chooses unicorns over zombies?””
And this is why you’re married to Victor, and not Neil Gaiman.
You are absolutely fucking adorable.
I mean that in the most bad ass way possible of course.
You are totally insane and I love it.
Considering you already reference Harry Potter once, I’m kind of disappointed that you went with “Continued Vigilance” instead of CONSTANT VIGIALANCE a la Mad Eye Moody.
But you got to meet one of your heroes and wear a monkey cap so I’m insanely happy for you.
Also: want Beauty Pageant Story.
That video is set to private. Which is sad and disappointing because I really, really want to see what the ASL sign for “elephant spunk” is.
Also, I fucked up my Neil Gaiman moment at an Amanda Palmer concert in San Diego at the last minute and hid behind my camera while my friend Amber got a hug and a picture from him. I steadfastly avoided eye contact and fled. Then we almost swiped Henry Selick’s cab. True story.
I don’t even think I know how to respond to that much awesomeness in one post. Except to say “elephant spunk”? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just laughed so hard I died.
And there is NO way unicorns would win.
Wow. Neil sounds like a good sport! Ha! I have no opinion on the zombie vs unicorn debate because I’m assuming I’d be one of the hot victims who would die right away because I’m running topless through the school yard or whatever. You know how it is.
Look, the real answer is unicorns, because their horns are made of lasers, and they heal people with their touch, and the zombies would totally be healed ie dead dead, and I don’t understand why everyone has to keep having this argument when it’s obviously unicorns. From now on though, I can tell all those nerds that Neil said so, so shut the fuck up. It’s practically as good as Echo and the Bunnymen endorsing team unicorn.
Probably the best interview ever. Probably.
Feel free to tell your new best friend that I once had to defend reading Sandman on an airplane to Richard Simmons who kept declaring really loud, “THIS GIRL IS READING A COMIC BOOK!”
It’s a graphic novel. Ahem.
i love everything about this post. but mostly i adore the look of pure joy on your face in the photo where you are wearing the monkey hat. it is difficult to decide if that is the best part or the fact that OMGNEILGAIMAN just so happened to have the monkey hat handy.
awesome all the way around.
You are one of my favorite bloggers, with many of the reasons illustrated in this post. First, our mutual admiration of Neil Gaiman. Second, our shared love of adding a “y” to any word to make it an adjective. (e.g. “bitey, stabby”) Third, our crippling shyness. But I’m gonna have to go with Gaiman on the unicorn v. zombie question. Under all that glitter and the long flowing manes, they are totally badass. Plus, are we overlooking an obvious alternative – the zombie unicorn?
I’ll take zombies over vampires ANY day. Please, can we stop with vampires?
I love Neil’s books and apparently from twitter he is coming to Tasmania, so maybe I should brush up on my ability to talk to actual people and go meet him.
Hey, Jenny, does it scare you that you are one of my writing heroes?! I’m sooo gettting a cool hat for when I meet you! Wait! I’ll just bring the tiara! Hell, you can have my tiara! The fancy one!
xo Susie
holy shit. you do talk a lot. but totally f’n awesome that you got to try on neil’s monkey hat. sweet.
honestly, i probably would have geeked out too.
you probably should have asked for elbow, although I’m sure it would have been chewy, just like knee.
You are one of my favorite bloggers, with many of the reasons illustrated in this post. First, our mutual admiration of Neil Gaiman. Second, our shared love of adding a “y” to any word to make it an adjective. (e.g. “bitey, stabby”) Third, our crippling shyness. But I’m gonna have to go with Gaiman on the unicorn v. zombie question. Under all that glitter and the long flowing manes, they are totally badass. Plus, are we overlooking an obvious alternative – the zombie unicorn?
I *SO* wanted to go to w00tstock! I am jealous of you on so many levels. As one of my favorite bloggers likes to say, You Rock!
Just because zombies aren’t in vogue doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be prepared. THAT’S HOW THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS PEOPLE!!!!
So Jealous you got to meet Neil Gaiman.
Have you thought about zombie unicorns? Who would win their internal struggle? Hmmmm….
Hot damn! That sounds like a pretty successful hero-meeting. I freeze up when I meet personal heroes of mine (to date: Margaret Cho and Henry Rollins) unless I’m good and liquored up beforehand. That was a good strategy with Margaret, she even hugged me! Also: I’m giving you +1000 points for not even needing your emergency confidence wig. WTG, Jenny! (And that’s way to go, in case you aren’t fluent in gamer nerdese)
Great post. But youtube told me the video is private. 🙁 And I really wanted to see what elephant spunk is in sign language.
wow. wowee-wow, in fact.
You are so totally living my dream life. Except in my dream, there would probably be more making out with Neil.
That is the coolest. Story. Ever.
If by “win” you mean “will be the last one left” I think it would be unicorn zombies.
I used to think you were pretty awesome, and funny, and I liked you (safely, from afar!), but now, unfortunately, I have to hate you. Mostly because you met Neil Gaiman, and I didn’t. Although once, he retweeted a tweet that a closer personal friend originally tweeted, so we are pretty close like that.
What if the zombie forces started at a nunnery or an elementary school, though? Wouldn’t the unicorns be great to call on at that time?
(Do zombies even have a sexuality? Why have I never pondered this before?)
Anyways – to sum up. Go unicorns! Neil Gaiman is cooler than Neil Diamond! And I still kinda hate you. In a jealous way (Adam Savage AND Mary Jo AND Neil Diamond all in the same vicinity? Christ on a cracker, that’s like my dream bathroom meetup.)
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OKAY – when I tried to post this the first time, the website CRASHED, and for several hours (seconds?) wouldn’t come up. Then I made a typo on Twitter about it, and then, it was back. Obviously, today is not my day. (Go unicorns!)
Every time I walk into the BART station I think about zombies. And kind of look out for them around the tile posts and coming down the dark train hallways. And kind of look around for weapons. Just in case.
And maybe zombies are 2009 but I wonder if zombies are like jesus where he only shows up for the second coming when no one is paying attention.
So in that case, everyone think about zombies.
And no one think about jesus. Unless you are not into jesus coming. In that case, think about him lots.
Unicorn blood has kept me around for centuries now. It’s best served over ice.
I think unicorns are kind of evil, and would magic the zombies into working for THEM.
ZOMBIES RIDING UNICORNS. Now THAT’S an apocalypse.
you just got a 100 times cooler in my head. And you were pretty up there to begin with.
I suck. I’ve reset the video to public. Elephant spunk should be shared. Try it again.
I met Elvis Costello after a small-venue show about seven years ago (where I was the youngest person in the audience). He and Steve Nieve signed my ticket stub. I was so sweaty and nervous that I could hardly speak. He just laughed at me and moved on. In a nice way.
Hero worship is awesome.
Sounds like an awesome time – and zombies are quite worthy of your fear. Do not trust them, even the “nice” ones still want to eat your brain.
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/
This is so completely awesome. It’s so cool that Neil Gaiman actually gave you an answer. Though I think I agree with him, just because of the hooves and horns thing. Zombies are surprisingly breakable.
Don’t ask how I know that.
That picture of you and Neil (the first one) makes me super jealous. SUPER JEALOUS.
Also? Your unicorns vs zombies explanation is why I heart you. Thank you for clearing that up for me.
This is exactly how w00tstock 2.9 happened folks! I am exceedingly jealous. I also read the article as if you were telling the whole story without taking a breath or pausing.
HA! Fantastic. Helen sent me this way via Twitter and I am fully subscribed now. Great stuff! I made an assmonkey of myself when I met Mr. Neil so kudos.
I have to say though I am with Neil on the whole Unicorn thing. Unicorns can only show themselves to virgins BUT since most zombies aren’t virgins then they will never see those bad-ass phallic horns impaling their brains. BUT what happens if a virginal zombie does see a unicorn and then bites it for the lolz? Do we have a zombie apocalypse with epic zombie Unicorns who want to horn and then gnaw on their hombre?
I laughed all through this. It’s amazing. And congratulations on getting to meet Neil (I actually got here through one of his tweets).
I have to tell you that zombie porn actually ISN’T an untapped market, though the anthology was a rather recent publishing. It started as a joke and ended as Rigor Amortis. You can check it out here: http://absolute-x-press.com/our-books/rigor-amortis/
If I ever get to meet my literary heroes, I am SO asking them that question. And bringing an emergency wig.
Just read this post and the GPS one. Will you be my new best friend?
OMG YOU GOT TO MEET NEIL GAIMAN!!
*Drool*
And he looks insanely gorgeous and dignified in that monkey hat. You looked uber cute. But omg squee for meeting one of the best authors ever !!
Unicorns vs. Zombies: I think I have a new paragraph for my NaNo : Librarian MC: to have with one of the little kids who comes into the library. In case it ever gets published I will name the kid “Jenny B” and you can like, approve it and know it’s totally about you!! (At this point, we’re so far into fantasy land..sigh…but maybe!)
You’re so lucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just have to say how much I effin love you.
I effin love you man! And now I feel like a budlight commercial. You are the most insane but definietly a genius of a person I have ever meet.
Here via @neilhimself’s tweet.
Wow. And Wow, you are awesome. Zombies vs. Unicorns MUST GO VIRAL!
And … best review of Wootstock evar!
Jenny, you are beyond awesome! Way to go for not whipping out the emergency wig. I read this post in the dr’s office waiting room, laughing so hard I cried with my 12 year old daughter asking me “What’s so funny, Mom?” Then she was all “Are you reading that one blog that always makes you laugh?” And then I had to promise her that I’d let her start reading your blog next year. She’s pretty advanced like that.
Anyway, yay you, yay monkey hats, yay Neil frickin Gaiman! Lots of hugs to your badass self!
I was the reigning MKT for the pageant and I truly loved the girls freaking out to me after getting the unicorn vs zombies question. Though frankly I would have answered “chuck norris” and used chuck norris logic if you tried to tell me I was wrong. Which I wouldn’t have been.
I also had a completely idiotic fangirl moment with Neil Gaiman circa 1997-1998. I met him at Dreamhaven comics in Minneapolis (he lives just outside the Twin Cities area so we’re lucky enough to have had lots of signings here). There weren’t that many people there, so he just hung out and chatted with everyone. I watched him from a distance like a creepy stalker until my boyfriend shoved me towards him so I could chat. Neil looked at me – expecting me to say something – and I blanked – but then I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. I asked him how he met Tori Amos because she was so awesome and she was my hero. And then he told me this lovely story of how they met, and I was so giddy that he was speaking to me that I didn’t realize until later that I was gushing about Tori instead of gushing about him and then I felt like a total idiot because I couldn’t even be a proper fangirl. *sigh* Sorry Neil.
My friend Janey got to sing with Neil in Saint Paul earlier this year at John Hodgman’s WITS show but I missed it because I have a baby and I don’t read the news so I didn’t even know it was happening until after it happened. And by then it was too late. But Neil Fucking Gaiman signed her arm with spooky eyes and I was *so* jealous. AND THEY GOT TO SING TOGETHER. I have proof: http://www.boingboing.net/2010/06/22/john-hodgman-neil-ga.html
Hi, I’ve been a lurker but I’m posting a comment now because this post was so funny I started crying / screaming / weeping and now I’m afraid one of my neighbors is going to call an ambulance because he probably thinks I’m being attacked or already dead.
And I am *extremely* jealous that you met Neil Gaiman. Although if I ever met him I would probably have to hide somewhere until he went away because I am ridiculously shy and, as you said, the idea of one of my heros actually meeting me is TERRIFYING.
I think if I got to meet Neil Gaiman I would turn inexplicably pre-verbal and stupid. Even though I am not generally crippled by shyness. I was actually going to see Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley when they were on tour in London in April, because I was going to be in London that week. I planned to go to that show primarily because Neil Gaiman was going to be there and I hoped to meet him after, but then the volcano ruined everything and I had to cancel my trip (and even if I hadn’t, Neil Gaiman didn’t get there in time for that particular show either) and so I did eventually see her when she came through my town, later, but there was no Neil Gaiman afterward and that was sad, the end.
p.s. Monkey hats could be the new Confidence Wigs, because you are so extremely cute in that picture, wearing the monkey hat. Something to consider…
We did not ignore you.
I put your tweet about wanting to see Neil in here.
http://blogs.chron.com/techblog/archives/2010/10/10_entertaining_celebrities_on_twitter.html
Which probably directly led to your meeting him.
You’re welcome.
See, THIS is why you are my FAVORITE blogger! Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m all ass-kissy and with you about the zombies–I’m unicorn all the way ;).
I fucking hate you, but in the totally jealous kinda way. Neil Gaiman is tops on my list of imaginary boyfriends. I would so wear a monkey hat with Neil Gaiman. Who am I kidding, I kinda just want to wear a monkey hat.
Are you freaking kidding me?! I read all of that as one excited run-on sentence (which is not a good thing if you’re a writer, but it worked for me, because I’m not a writer).
Dang! I’m jealous! I ADORE Neil Gaiman, and I would stab someone for the opportunity to meet him. Unfortunately, I think I’d just end up being one of those typical squeeing fangirls. I certainly wouldn’t think to ask him zombies vs. unicorns. My new goal in life is to come up with something amazingly awesome to ask Neil Gaiman and then … ask him. Yes.
This was the greatest blog post I’ve read this month. Maybe this year. You should get an award. Let’s petition on twitter for Neil to give you that monkey hat.
(I met Neil once…but I can’t remember what I said to him. I’m very worried that he remembers and it was something stupid and I think you totally understand that feeling.)
OMG you are too funny. Can we be friends? LMAO. No seriously. Can we?
w00tstock was fantastic and I wish I hadn’t spaced, gotten over my social anxiety and actually looked for you so I could have at least said hi! Can you believe we’re in the same building with Neil Gaiman?! And then I would have bowed to your prowess at actually getting to go backstage and meet him.
I did get an autograph and a handshake, which was swoon-worthy enough. The only way that I didn’t freak out in line was not thinking about it. I must say, though, he has a great handshake!
This is one of the funniest things you’ve ever written. NO, it’s one of the funniest things ever written. Period.
What if the zombies just turned the unicorns into zombie unicorns? Then no one wins.
Also, ps, I’m jealous you went to w00tstock. I’m still waiting for them to come to Philly.
You are my new hero. I would probably freak if I met Neil Gaiman.
I met Ray Bradbury when I was waiting tables. The restaurant was across the street from a bookstore & he was on tour signing books. He ordered a cheeseburger and a beer – I almost wet my pants. Total highlight of my sci-fi nerd chick life.
Looking forward to following your blog! (Neil sent me here via Twitter)
I totally am with you on the whole “meeting your heroes” thing. Because I have made the exact face you’re making in the first photo of you and Neil Gaiman, and continue to make it every time I meet pretty much anyone I admire.
Also, I am not sure who would win in a battle between unicorns and zombies. it really depends on what variation of unicorn and what variation of zombie you are using.
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT I AM SHOUTING AT YOU!
So I’m having dinner pre-w00tstock at the Old Pecan St. Cafe which is no longer on Pecan St (6th) but is now around the corner on Trinity, and I tweet (I’m @autojim) something about pre-w00t dinner before seeing [list of @ names of w00tstock stars including @neilhimself].
And the ladyfriend and I have a delightful meal in the nearly-deserted restaurant (well, it *was* before 6pm), and the BB buzzes and I see that someone has replied to a tweet and it’s @neilhimself and it says “Wish I was there” and I totally didn’t realize he was TWEETING FROM HIS DELAYED PLANE LIKELY WHILST AIRBORNE!!! because I replied “C’mon down, I’ll buy. Still plenty of time to eat and get back to the Paramount” which may be over 140 characters but I don’t care.
And we finished our delightful meal and walked through the rain back up to the Paramount and I got the first “love your shirt!” compliment about my “I reject your reality and substitute my own!” T-shirt and we found our seats at the front row of the mezzanine and I discovered that I needed removable legs to actually FIT in my seat. As did my 5’3″ ladyfriend. But we persevered (and eventually moved a bit further up where our knees would actually NOT be crammed into a very hard railing after intermission), and I discovered that Neil was delayed and then I felt bad because I’d invited him to dinner while he was stuck in Delayed Flight Hell.
So, Neil, if you come to Houston, I’ll still buy.
And thank you, Bloggess, for a truly delightful summary of the evening. And the best Neil-in-Monkey-Hat pics I’ve seen so far.
You both made great arguments in the battle of Zombies v Unicorns, and I didn’t realize, but there is even a book, or something about it. At least a website. With voting buttons. Where unicorns hold a slight lead. I was going to go with Unicorns myself, but then I saw that the woman on this website who is siding with unicorns has pulled all of the hair off her cat. So now I’m definitely going with Unicorns, because she’s obviously bad-ass.
Oh, if you’re intrigued, and want to vote with the vote-button-thingy, or buy the book, or wonder where the cat hair has gone: http://www.zombiesvsunicorns.com
you are my hero.
i really need to stop reading your posts at work, though. even though no one’s in here, i’m pretty sure i’m still getting those “what the hell is wrong with her” looks…
and neil gaiman is freaking AWESOME.
I… I have to read you a LOT from now on.
Oh I’m so happy for you. Meeting a personal hero is one of the best feelings ever. EVER.
Bram Stoker, who is definitely a part of the undead canon, wrote that the soul can be reunited with the body, which is why all the vampires in Dracula get to go to heaven. So the question really boils down to whether or not unicorn blood destroys the evilness (like a stake to the heart) or just lets you breathe again.
D’oh!
“Zombies vs. Unicorns MUST GO VIRAL!”
Google-fu fail.
http://www.zombiesvsunicorns.com
(Thanks, Eddie!)
Hi Jenny!
Another amazing fun OhMyGodWow post.
Love & Best Wishes to you & yours,
RKCharron
Ok, you win. I now follow you on twitter and am RSSing your blog. I cried when i read the one about your GPS I was laughing so hard. I even got a stern look from my boss.
Well played, madam.
Noelle
Oh Jenny…Firstly: I’m super happy for you…The look on your face is just, well…? PRICELESS! Secondly: HOW FUCKING RADICAL IS IT THAT DUDE CARRIES A MONKEY HAT FOR PHOTO OPS?!?!?!?!?!?! Thirdly: You pulled that shit OFF, BAY-BAY!! Nice!!!! Fourthly: and completely UNRELATED: FUCK OFF PNN YOU SUNZABITCHES! How dare you cut muh Jenny loose like that!!!!! We’re gonna do a Group Blog – some of us awesomer PNN gals and once we get that shit up and runnin, we’d LOVE you to be a Guest BLOGGER.
P.S. Thanks to you…I’m now scared of Zombies AND Unicorns. Thanks-a-fucking-lot-Jenny.
I just giggled like a lunatic when I read you met Neil Gaiman. When he turned out to be a real live nice person, I almost had a coronary. Is it possible to love him more?
LMAO. This is made of win and awesomesauce.
I followed the link from Twitter and I would just like you to know that you are my HERO. The second monkey hat picture is my new favorite thing.
I love you for this. So very much. I read this like 10 minutes ago & my eyes are still tearing up from laughing so hard.
And I’m not even a little jealous that you got to meet one of my favorite authors on the planet. Besides, I never would have thought to bring up unicorns and zombies. GENIUS.
This post is epic.
Seriously had me laughing out loud. Nowhere else but your blog would I see the words “JK Rowling isn’t zombie canon”!
This is the most awesome blogpost EVER! I am incredibly jealous!
Unicorns can’t win because if you watch Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube, you’ll see he had his kidney removed therefore he would be useless in battle. It’s true! Google it!
Great post! Hahaha…loved the hat but I couldn’t pull it off cuz I have crazy hair!
oh this was hilarious, I laughed out loud so much, and I must say how very jealous I am that you got to meet Neil and it all sounds so very awesome
That is awesome that you got to meet him! I would love to meet Jack Kerouac, but he’s dead and that’s a little inconvenient. I had a fangirl moment when I met you in the bathroom at BlogHer and then someone started talking about Canadians and then I got confused so I gave you a hug and then it got awkward because someone was still talking about Canadians and I was still confused. And I forgot to ask for a picture with you.
Dude.
Fo’ real.
OMG I am so jealous that you got to meet Neil Diamond!!!
Just kidding, please don’t burn down my house.
Ok, but unicorns have rainbows, right? And that’s got to count for something…
Your Post was amazing, and you as a person seem like a pure delight.
Just the fact that you carry a wig with you for emergency purposes makes you my hero.
And I think unicorns would win. Everyone thinks they’re so innocent, but I think they’re some stealthy bitches. How else have they kept from being seen all this time? They would take the zombies out in no time. The stupid zombies will be dragging ass somewhere and then along come the unicorns, spiking them with their horns, kicking them in the balls and then going about their business. The zombies won’t even know what their asses. Bam.
This post is just so full of win I wish I could marry it.
Wicked cool : )
I was supposed to be writing a book but I read this instead. And now I still have to write a book but I have funny images involving monkey hats clogging up the bit of my head that makes words come out. Hmm…
Cheers for providing five minutes of procrastination! xxx
P.S It was probably more than five minutes considering I also had to compose this post.
I’m pretty sure I just died laughing. Which should have been a louder event except I’m at work and shouldn’t be reading blogs so it was more like quiet snickering. And I love the zombie vs unicorn question!
This… is the most awesome blog post ever!
Maybe it’s always been this way – but it seems as though when I double click on a word in the post – I get the option for LEARN MORE. Which…awesome. Because seriously, when reading one of your posts, more information always seems to be needed. However, the word apocolye takes me to a link for Apocalypse Paintball. Which I don’t think that’s what you meant…But in the war against Zombies…Paintball might not be a bad idea. Something to look into….
I love you and hate you at the same time. I love you because that is the most awesome ‘meeting Neil Gaiman’ story ever. And I hate you because you have the most awesome ‘meeting Neil Gaiman’ story ever and I don’t.
And also, you got to go to w00tstock which I had tickets for in Seattle and then had a few health issues which kept me in Victoria. It may or may not have been cholera.
So, I’ve been reading your site for a few months, and I’ve been thinking, “You know, Jenny’s pretty cool.” But with this post you’ve skyrocketed to herodom, and now if I were to ever meet you I’d probably be one of those babbling idiots who doesn’t know how to handle themselves around someone famous. (Not that that’s what you did, as you were clearly making a very valid point about unicorns, but I totally would.) My only hope is that I could think up one really kick-ass question about the zombie apocalypse and then blog about it later.
Hi, we met. So my Neil Gaiman number is now 1. HA! Glory by tenuous association!
But Neil is right. Unicorns would win. Zombies as a general rule tend to congregate in areas where there are (or were) people. Unicorns stay only in deep forests. Deep forests are inhospitable to zombies – full of bugs that would find zombie flesh a very nice place indeed to lay their eggs. Forests are difficult to traverse, even for experienced wilderness types. The zombies wouldn’t ever make it to where the unicorns are.
Of course, as the number of zombies increase and the number of humans decrease, the forests will expand. After the humans are all gone, there can be no new zombies. Without embalming, a zombie will last about as long as a corpse out in the elements – that being, something like a month, when the tissues become so liquified the body won’t hold together.
So a month after the last human dies (which, admittedly, could be decades after the first zombie appears), all zombies are gone and the unicorns inherit the earth. They win by simply staying the hell out of things. Which is how I prefer to win arguments. But not this argument, obviously.
NOW. Unicorn vs Zombie in a cage match? Still unicorn. Those things weigh something like half a ton, they can snap a rope with a jerk of their neck (ask me how I know!) and they can kick clean through a solid oak barn wall (again – ask me how I know!). A unicorn versus a massive mob of zombies might be overrun eventually, but they’re a heckuva lot stronger and more violent than people give them credit for. Plus, they were the monsters way before zombies were. I think there’s a Neil Gaiman story about that, actually …
w00tstock is a swirly confluence of awesome. It’s hard to explain why the three hours, that generally run to near four or beyond is so cool. The show is unique, accessible on many levels, and the performers are consistently and incredibly likable. It’s charm is a strange mixture of talent, humor and approachable humility.
You’re a good writer. And you asked the right question. A good question isn’t the one that gives you the most satisfying answers; maybe it’s the one that inspires the most delightful discussions. Your writing is a wonderful blend of craft, wit and approachable humility.
You’ve earned a new fan in me. Rock on!
My husband has two words for you: zombie unicorns.
I’m sure this was an interesting and hilarious post but I keep reading “Gaiman” as “GAY MAN” and then I start laughing so if that was your ultimate point in all this..then…well played, Bloggess. Well played, indeed.
Some days even NG+monkeyhat can’t top you…100% zombie-apocolye-awesome!
There WAS a cholera outbreak in Haiti not that long ago so….people: make sure you have your bats ready and your guns blazing, ’cause them zombies are a coming!!!!!!!!!
…and by the way, isn’t zombie blood contagious? if so , wouldn’t the unicorns turn into zombies too if they happend bite any of them??? !!!
In that case: you might as well forget the bats and guns, there is nothing that can stop UNICORN ZOMBIES!!!!
WE ARE FUCKED!!!!!!!
Who has time to worry about zombies? I spend all my energy on the aliens, myself. And if zombies are 2009, aliens are 1992, at least.
And this is why I follow your blog. This was the best post ever.
I love Neil Gaiman, in a distant, we don’t know each other and we don’t share a sexuality sort of way. A pure love. Courtly, perhaps.
Now I have to go and figure out an alternate universe where unicorns would totally win over zombies.
This whole post makes me love you and Neil Gaiman more, which I didn’t even think was possible.
And I’m completely buying his theory about the epic unicorn/zombie battle. Unicorns would totally win.
Plus this: http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html
Have you ever listened to his audiobooks? He does his own. I could listen to him talk forever. In fact, I was listening to his book on the way to visit my dad and almost drove past his house to keep listening.
Something about the sight of you with Neil Gaiman in a monkey hat made me literally just burst into tears. I feel like we’re going to make it after all! Everything’s going to be okay! How bad can a world be, when it includes Neil Gaiman and Jenny debating the eternal unicorns v. zombies question?
I lent out Stardust JUST LAST WEEK. Because it’s the second awesomest book ever, right after Princess Bride. I also adore Good Omens. And Everything else he’s written. Also, that sock-monkey toque makes me happy.
Oh My God!!! I TOTALLY LOVE NEIL DIAMOND!!!! YOU ARE SO LUCKY!!! Did you get to hear him sing “Sweet Caroline”?
Just fucking with you. I hope the rest of your Thursday is pleasant.
You see, dreams do come true. Well, maybe not about the unicorn. But most things.
Marked your blog on faves! Love it! You are such a giddy fangirl!
One year at Dragoncon, back in the 90’s, I worked in autographs for a free membership (this involved bringing the authors water and pens and stopping women from baring their breasts to be signed if said author didn’t like that kind of thing, which the truly depressed guy who did the Crow comic didn’t), and afterwards I had to clean up, and I was thirsty, so I picked up someone’s water and drank it. And my son was like, “Mom, you drank Neil Gaiman’s water!” He was so impressed, he’s still talking about it, and he’s 28 now.
Those pictures. With the hat. Are the most ADORABLE PICTURES EVER.
I agree with Neil on the unicorns versus zombies, though. Unicorns can only be approached/touched by virgins in many versions, but THEY can approach whoever the hell they want. In this case, at high velocity, hooving as they go. Also unicorns have magic. And rainbows and sparkles. Never underestimate the power of a good rainbow. Also probably you could kill a zombie with enough glitter. And then you end up with magical virgin knights riding around on sparkly glittery double-rainbow covered Unicorns with their horns and their hooves, and also probably there is a surprise Unicorn Unit hiding in the sea (which is another point–there was no trippy seventies movie about The Last Zombie. Although I would totally pay money to see that) that would come out and trample all the zombies in the land while singing. So yeah. Unicorns. They are SO MUCH MORE AWESOME than zombies.
Also, fun fact: Unicorns are totally in the bible. Who knew. http://bible.cc/search.php?q=unicorn
I want you to interview me when I’m famous.
There are actually no words capable of describing the sheer amazingness that this is. You win the crown of the internet.
Also this:
http://disgruntledsoap.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2vjyxl
http://griffsnuff.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2vlmug
Zombies.
Forever in Blue Jeans,
Paula
ps…my teen says its the Black Plague that we should really be fearing.
So the girls were playing Wii Party earlier, the zombie minigame, and Jesus was a zombie. So if Jesus can be a zombie, he can totally kick a stupid unicorn’s ass.
Oh my dear lord , if I didn’t like you so much and you hadn’t written a lovely poem about my hair at BlogHer-I would be coming and leaving a butcherknife beside YOUR pillow.
American Gods is my favorite book. Ever. Plus? The very first gift my now husband ever gave me was a copy of Stardust-he said it reminded him of us. I hope I’m the star and not the bitchy girl but it doesn’t seem all that likely seeing as how I dressed up to go intimidate a bullying child today.
I love that you even hang out with Neil in bathrooms.
Jesus H. Christ. You are living proof that the truth is stranger than fiction, because if Neil Fucking Gaiman wrote this encounter in one of his books, nobody would believe it could ever happen in real life.
And I mean that in a good way…
So, who’s that guy standing next to The Bloggess?
Totally jealous that you met Neil! I think that you wearing his monkey hat means you’re engaged now. Hopefully Victor and Amanda won’t mind.
I’m now confused. I thought unicorns could fly. I’ve seen them standing over rainbows on greeting cards and there are no rainbows on the ground, unless you count the part of the rainbow where it starts, which looks like the ground only from a great distance.
So Neil and I are right. (don’t tell him about the rainbow on the ground part because that might be wrong.)
NEILFUCKINGGAIMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m honestly not sure what else you said. I’m sure it was brilliant.
I would just like to point out that you brought a wig and he brought a monkey hat. And that proves that you are both masters of disguise.
and I still think I should be able to meet Charlie the unicorn. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaCCkfjPm0o
I’ve never heard “hooved” used as a verb either, but now I really want to get into a situation where I can use it.
I forgot to mention that because Unicorns can fly, they obviously would win because they would fly to the top of the zombies’ heads and kick them, which would kill them instantly unless I’m not remembering my Unicorn facts correctly.
I love it! I’m glad there are people like you around who go to meet Neil Gaiman – I could never do it, because I wouldn’t know what to say.
I’m going to have to go with Neil on this one. Unicorns can only be TAMED by virgins, but they can be seen by anyone. Plus their horns are MASSIVE and they’re actually really aggressive. Also they’re magical, which I’m sure would come in handy when fighting the undead (semi-dead? mortality-challenged?). Plus they could totally heal themselves or each other, which would make up for the zombies being all blase about having limbs ripped off.
Also I totally don’t know how to make an accent over the ‘e’ in ‘blase’ and that sucks hard and is driving my anally-retentive attention to spelling crazy.
It’s not that unicorns only appear to virgins, it’s that only virgins can touch them.
This means that your numbers are very very wrong.
Insofar as getting bitten by a zombie is the supernatural equivalent of “becoming a man” the only zombie who might even possibly touch any unicorn is the first zombie. Or the first zombies, if what started the apocalypse was some kind of mass infection. The rest of the zombies are dirty whores and they can’t touch the unicorns at all.
Now, depending on unicorn reproduction rates, the unicorns will outnumber the virgin zombies. Although unicorns can only reproduce once (because once they have sex with each other they can’t touch each other again, no longer being virgins), they might have one, two, five, ten, or a hundred offspring from that single act. Who knows? We need a unicorn zoologist.
Sorry zombies. You’re gonna get hooved.
oh my god you are so fucking badass. I love you so much I hate you now. you gave me no choice.
Okay, when you called, I thought that A.) you were asking me to a woodstockesque Neil Diamond concert and B.) I didn’t know there would be a monkey hat involved. Dammit. I demand a recount!
If you read this out loud to your husband, it is even FUNNIER.
Although the person reading sounds a bit like an asthmatic dork what with all the snorting.
thank you Ghandi, oh wait, that’s in my blog. Unicorns and Zombies, not a big fan. Though unicorns would definitely win because karma is badass. hibernationnow.wordpress.com
You know…you should probably just write a mini-saga about zombies and unicorns. Set the record straight. Call it Uniflesh or Zombiecorn or Battle of the Purists versus the Mostly Dead.
PS: I claim title rights…
Dude. There’s a logistical error in the unicorn vs. zombie thing. Cause eventually a unicorn would get bitten and turn into a zombie, and then there would be a million zombie unicorns. Except that the decaying blood and flesh of a unicorn is made out of joy and glitter, so the only way we would be able to identify a zombie unicorn would be to look for the especially joyful and sparkly ones. So basically, the zombie unicorns win. And humanity gets killed by beautiful and happy horses of death.
Omg, if I move back to TX will you totally be my friend? Well, that might be a weird relationship actually because I would be the one being all fangirly… plus my stories aren’t nearly as good as yours unless you want to hear about the time I dropped acid in high school and thought aliens were going to invade the earth. ::shakes head at self::
Anyhoo, I have to agree with Neil. Unicorns definitely. They are intelligent. Zombies are not. Unicorns are quick and graceful. Zombies are not. Oh, and as you rightly pointed out, unicorns can only be seen by virgins so that just means they would be able to sneak up on the zombie bastards. Invisible Unicorns Impale Zombies. Awesome.
I’m so glad that you had such a good time at W00tstock! I went to the PDX show in May and it is my new very favorite thing EVAR. I don’t have any real theories on Unicorns V. Zombies but if Neil Gaiman uses hooving as a verb then, by God, it’s a verb. Forever and ever Amen.
You are awesome and right. Neil is awesome, but wrong.
You have the cuteness. Neil has the monkey hat.
You are famous. Neil is famouser.
Probably close to a tie.
Love Neil Gaiman even more now that I know he’s tight with the Bloggess. I’m sorry, though, I’m gonna half to go with Unicorns, because Neil knows his shit. Have you checked out his book Instructions? I have Grimm’s Fairy Tales, and he references details from some of the more esoteric but utterly cool stories. I was looking for the book to confirm that it was Neil and I found a video of him reading it. Hailey needs this book if you don’t yet have it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWRvqO1MjIs
I’m so happy that you got to meet your idol! But something must have gone over my head. Did you meet him in the bathroom?
Back in the day, we always called Wesley Crusher “Wesley No Penis” because Wil Wheaton may be packing but that jumpsuit did him no favors.
Dude, you and Neil Gaiman are like BFFs. Or at least monkey hat sharers.
The Sandman series floored me. Like my cat is named after a muse because of it flooring me.
PS. The way you felt about meeting Neil Gaiman is how some people feel about meeting you. I wonder if that’s cool or weird. Probably both. And now I’m talking to myself in your comment section. Ok, I’m done
Zombies are not so 2009, that’s vampires. The zombies have successfully kicked all of the vampires asses and now they are rightfully the heirs to 2010. Long live the year of the zombie!
This…is…just…fucking AWESOME. You are made of win.
And seriously, who ISN’T still on the lookout for zombies? I had to write a mission statement for my technical and professional writing class this semester and I ended it with “When in doubt, aim for the head.” Which honestly, is just sound advice.
Oh my God! You are fucking hilarious! Best blog post I’ve read EVER! But now I’m all worried about having an awesome question ready for when I finally get to meet an author.
I’ve gotta go with the unicorns. They’d totally go stealthy and shoot the zombies with lazers from their horns and kill all of the zombies.
Well, I am just happy that SOMEBODY is taking us seriously, rather than just reaching for the nearest chainsaw.
Unicorns are OVER.
OMGNEILGAIMAN!!! I soooo would have been a girly fan too. Serious jealousness goin’ on over her. Damn! He seems way cool. I wonder if you could get him to model an “Elephant Spunk” t-shirt. Hrmmm…
I have to hate you now, cuz you got to meet OMGITSFUCKINGNEILGAIMAN & I didn’t. I tried to reply to one of AFP tweets where she said they needed a wife. I was all “Where’s the application form?” but then I realized my tweets are private *and* she’s not even following me. :: Sigh ::
Anyway, I didn’t really read all of the post because I kinda got stuck at OMGITSFUCKINGNEILGAIMAN. I shall dream of wearing his monkey hat one day (and maybe I *did* mean that to sound as perverted as it does).
I am totally jealous of Victor! He gets to go on awesome adventures with you. Loved the post except for one thing: you never explained how you got Neil to go into the bathroom with you. That’s a big omission and one you better clear up in an UPDATE like right now!
WTF? My life is so boring……….
It wasn’t a bathroom. It was his dressing room. Which I think may actually have been an actual bathroom now that I think about it.
Odd.
So so SO funny. You made my Friday. And probably my Saturday and Sunday as well. Which says a lot because it’s a long weekend where I am and very few things top that.
It’s so comforting to know that other people are just like me. If only we all made friends more easily. But then we wouldn’t be us!
I’m glad you got to meet Neil Gaiman, I’ve been meaning to get into his work since I’ve heard so many good things
i just nerdgasmed all over this post. uber-jealouspants.
I feel validated that I am not the only one who thought seriously about a zombie apocalypse. It is all my brother’s fault he made me watch him play video games like Resident Evil. I actually had a good 30 minutes conversation with my friend about a zombie apocalypse action plan. we discussed it at length. She mocked me for my saying that having a zombie apocalypse action plan was almost as important if not as important as having a fire evacuation plan or other emergency plan.
Also your encounters with people are so much like mine it is scary.
Love love love Neil Gaiman. Fantastic photos! Jealous of you. Hate you now.
Not so crazy about Neil Diamon. A little too Joan Rivers-y with the plastique…
Neil Gaiman, Jenny? Really? Fucking seriously? I take back my girl-crush on you and stomp–no, I HOOVE on it. And I have to vote with Neil on the Zombies v. Unicorn Battle Royale. Of course, now I’m going to go to bed imagining unicorns covered with gore, splattering zombie brains all over the place, so–um–thanks for that.
Will you please stop doing cool things so I can girl-crush on you again?
Oh, and when I saw w00tstock? Best night of my life. I think my throat is still sore from all my fangirl SQUEE-ing.
WOW! This post has gone directly to my favorite top 10 blog posts EVER! AWESOME!
You HAD to have known I would comment, right?
You have inspired me to write you a story, Mrs. Lawson.
This is the tale of the Great Zombie and Unicorn War. Zombies aren’t alive and yet they believe they live, thus they are animated by lies. Their survival depends on being suspended in constant denial of the truth. Zombies hate truth. That’s why they are often overheard saying things like, “The one thing the current Iranian government gets right is their policy on public executions of homosexuals and adulterous women.” or “I think the best example of liberty is the outlawing of any non-expensive, short lived, green hued, slow to glow, fragile yet toxic mercury filled light bulb.”
Unicorns on the other hand are born preternaturally wise, and thus love the truth – because the truth fuels wisdom. They enjoy having long conversations with virgins because virgins, being unencumbered by the duties of parenthood or the constant need to troll for the next hook-up – have large blocks of time to listen to unicorns say things like, “You know, if the feminists of 1964 were less emotional and more logical – they would have just changed the language of the Family Wages practice of higher pay for head of households with children to include women as heads of households instead of abolishing it as sexual discrimination – thus resulting in halving everone’s salary and causing both parents to work to bring home the same amount.”
One day, a unicorn posted a Flash Mob event to be held at the Mall of America on Facebook. Being wise doesn’t protect one from possesing sardonic wit (which is why they love South Park so much) – so the unicorn selected the song “Thriller” for the Flash Mob dance, just to be ironic.
A zombie noticed the event and decided to invade the Flash Mob Philly style, so he posted a counter event same time, same place – to all his zombie “friends”… and thus started the Great Zombie and Unicorn War.
It went on for forty days and forty nights, which is entirely believable due to the immense amount of square footage inside the Mall of America. At last it was down to one zombie and one unicorn.
The unicorn paused and looked around at all the carnage and the truth, the horror of it all – overwhelmed its sensibilites and it began to weep.
The zombie, needing to refuse to understand the reason for the unicorn’s tears – decided that the best course of action was to point, ridicule and laugh at the cry-baby.
The ultimate embodiment of the lie that war was funny enraged the unicorn, who promptly decapitated the last zombie with it’s awesome horn.
The moral of the story is that it may take a long time, generations even – but truth always wins out in the end.
The End.
Now will you PLEASE help me give away my Chupacabra?!!!
So wait, you had an emergency wig and Neil Gaiman had an Emergency Monkey Hat? It’s like you were twins.
Zombies would totally win but I can understand the Unicorn angle.
i’ve met neil gaiman a few times – in the 90s – and similarly gushed, minus the unicorns. i so get this. unicorns, elementary schools, yes.
Soooo jealous. I sort of meet Neil Gaiman at an Amanda Palmer gig last year, he signed my copy of American Gods, and instead of saying something intelligent I burbled some nonsense at him and had to run away in shame.
He is rather awesome.
I’m now off to conduct a poll on whether unicorns would beat zombies, you have inspired me!!
But did you meet WIL WHEATON?? No really, this might be your best post ever.
I say Unicorns. Even if they can only appear to virgins I’m pretty sure since zombies are dead folk that have come back- making them un dead or reanimated (still not 100% clear on which or if both)- they’d technically be virgins because their zombie life is a *new* life. Unicorns all the way. Aside from the ability to impail a zombie, they’re hella fast and magical. Zombies aren’t magical, they’re slow and rotting with a serious dependency on eating brains.
Meeting a favorite author? I am SO jealous. Good for you for holding yourself with dignity and pride. In a monkey hat (but of course!)
Also, the thought of Ray Bradbury tweeting or Dorothy Parker rising from the grave made me pee my pants. How cool would that be?
Neil Gaiman rocks as do you Jenny for saving orphans and water.
Check out this website where you can get into shape in order to be ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. Because Unicorns aren’t going to save you!
http://zombiefit.org/
I really must stop reading this blog at work…I can’t keep the giggling-madness to a quiet roar.
While I appreciate your love for science and can see where you’re coming from – I must disagree with your interpretation of why the zombie would win. WIth unicorns only appearing to virgins, I agree they’d be at elementary schools playing Go Fish and reading Nancy Drew novels completely oblivious to the horde of zombies slowly shambling toward them. But – here’s where the tide turns. When the zombie horde finally breaks through the school’s defenses, they’ll be a finite amount of zombies that can fit into the halls at a time and therefore limit the amount of zombies that can horde over one or two unicorns at a time. Using Neil Gaiman’s reasoning, the unicorns would totally spear zombies with their horns and hoove them into sludge.
Thereby, eventually, all the zombies would have to go to elementary schools to attempt at eating the remaining life on the planet and the unicorns would win by classic tactics. Also, since the kids would be saved, humans can once again re-populate the planet.
Win-Win
Wait, just because unicorns don’t appear to those who’ve carnally sinned doesn’t mean they’re not there! In fact, they probably disappear when someone loses their virginity so they can WATCH the sin happening from there forward. So, they’re basically just invisible, which I’d think would be a huge advantage to goring slutty zombies in the brain and hoving them to absolute death!
I’ve got to go lay down. That’s way too much math for this early in morning.
I can’t even begin to express how extraordinarily jealous I am that I attended w00tstock. Those guys SO need to come out to the Middle-of-Nowhere, NY so I can see them. Except I want to see the original version of Wil Wheaton, not a Replacement Wil Wheaton, because… Wil Wheaton? Yeah. You and Neil is like me and Wil. Kinda. Except I haven’t met Wil and you’ve met Neil.
Ok, I’ll go back to my corner now.
P.S. Victor is very cool. You are so lucky to have him. 🙂
Even if the unicorn blood did turn the zombie(s) back into normal people the other zombies would bite them again because people are a zombies number 1 food choice and you would simply end up with this endless recursive cycle of being zombie bitten followed by eating a unicorn and then being bitten by a zombie again. Now that would be a hellish existence if ever there was one.
–>I absolutely love your sense of humor. You always make me laugh.
I really really LOL’D here. except I’m at work, so it was more of a silent shaking. my coworkers probably thought I was having a seizure or something. So it’s your fault if EMS comes on over to make sure everything’s ok. So thanks for that.
Meeting a hero always, always allows gush mode to be set to “on”. Always.
The unicorns would win because their cousins, the pegasus…pegasuses, pegasi, whatever, would rescue them from any zombies by giving them horseback rides or pegaback rides. Then they would swoop down and spear the zombies. The zombies would never know what hit them…unless they were virgin zombies.
Neil’s just going with the Matrix template. That’s not a criticism. I would too. It’s like when Neo chose to both save the human race and save his true love. He didn’t believe the “Architect” who told him it was one or the other. He chose both. And Love wins, of course. So, obviously, the purity of unicorns would beat the dirty zombies.
Love always wins in my books. And those who don’t like it kill themselves. My universe. My rules.
I am filled with envy. I’ve wanted to go to w00tstock for years but live on entirely the wrong continent. There is no justice! Anyway I am delighted that you had such an awesome time. One day when I am rich and famous, I took will be attending.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
w00tstock was such a blast! Judging from that video, we sat just a couple rows in front of you. 🙂
So jealous! Definitely going to have to stalk you at W00tstock next year.
I’m with Karen on this one. Except I take it one step further, and after the zombies have ingested the unicorn blood, you find a group of gypsies to restore their souls a la Angel, thereby saving the world from the zombie plague and all is again right with the world.
that was a flippin’ awesome post. you write like a bitch transfixed by those freaky mermaids lounging on rocks who are singing as pirates and merchant marines run their craft aground and die.
Great. Now I have to worry about a Unicorn Apocalypse … I was still trying to re-design that nightstand for the Zombie Apocalypse …. what do you use to fight Unicorn’s with? This is why I come here … education. Thank you Jenny!
Ok, sorry to geek out on you, but you are a little mixed up on your unicorn facts(?). Unicorns can appear to anyone but can only be approached by virgins (because both are pure). Zombies seem very unpure so they pretty much have a disadvantage since they cannot approach unicorns but unicorns can stampede the shit out of zombies (and horn them and hoove them).
Now, as for the unicorn blood, it doesn’t bring people back to life but rather grants immortality. They would still be zombies they would just be zombies that lived forever. Lived forever and were still never able to approach a unicorn. How did they get unicorn blood in the first place you ask? They didn’t because they were all killed by unicorns with the upper hoove. Unicorns 1 Zombies 0.
A direct quote from neildiamond.com:
“…Neil Diamond is a hero. Maybe he’s more like a mythical creature. Yeah. Neil Diamond is unicorn. A Jewnicorn. A single hair from his man-mane can grow an entire field of wheat overnight.”
Yeah…that just happened. Evidently, Neil Diamond is a unicorn that only appears to virgins (perhaps explaining his fan base), and can grow fields of wheat with his hair? That one I don’t get, but I’m assuming it will come in handy during the Zombie/Unicorn apocalypse.
Perhaps Gaiman was correct in choosing his other Neil counterpart for the win.
The Texas Book Festival in Austin a few weeks ago had a panel about zombies vs. unicorns. I wanted to attend but instead went to a bar where they were teaching everyone all the dance moves to Thriller. Sit in a panel about zombies or actually BECOME one myself? That’s a no-brainer…. because all the brains have been eaten by the zombie army.
This is why you are the most awesome person on the planet.
OMG!! That is totally awesome!!! You so rock. Seriously I bow down to your awesomeness. I’ve LOVED Neil G since the Sandman Comics and totally read Coraline to my 6 year old at the time way before the movie came out. Became a total blog fan of his too.
I met his fiance Amanda a few years ago before her and Brian V of the Dresden Dolls took a break. However because I’m a complete dork around celebs I didn’t make much of an impression but I did get a picture with her. That’s about it. 🙁 If I ever get to meet Neil G I’d probably piss my pants and start acting like I’m mentally retarded or like the zombies had already attacked me without my knowledge. Bravo to the Zombies V Unicorns Question because that is in itself is more awesome than a venti iced coffee with classic syrup and half and half on a hot summer day!
Well it’s a very nice dressing room that looks like a bathroom!
When I spent the day with my idol, Lillian Vernon, (everyone laughs at this point but the woman really had an amazing life and is worthy of idol status), the first thing I blurted out was “You’re my idol and I worship you. I know everything about you including that your son and my son were born on the same day. Different year, but same day!” I felt like a dope. She looked at me like I was a stalker but it turned out to be one of the best days of my life. After a while she even warmed up to the idea of being an idol because she said she was never anyone’s idol before. When everyone came at her all at once she said “Not now. I am spending time with the woman who worships me.” She was so amazing.
This is the best interview/encounter with Neil Gaiman I’ve ever read.
I had a classmate who met NG and wrote about it here: http://blog.newsarama.com/2008/06/26/heaven-knows-im-miserable-now-3/
All I can say is “WOW”!!!!!!!! (With my slack jawed look)
Fantastical Journey of adventures with a hero, a heroine, unicorns and Zombies and the part of Victor being played by George Clooney (I just assumed). Love the pictures too!!! You guys are going to make Monkey Hats all the rage this holiday shopping season 😉
Why on earth would’nt you pull out your emergency wig when he pulled out his monkey hat? The missed Freudian goodness can never be recaptured!
Dude!
I just found this book! Did you know this is a scholarly discussion? It must be because there’s a book on it!
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7171748-zombies-vs-unicorns
Oh, man. What an awesome story though I was all, WTG? Adam Savage? He frickin’ AMAZING! He’s like a god in our house (have two boys who like to sneak Mentos in bottles of Coke and husband who thinks – he would say ‘knows’ – that duct tape is the number one most fantastic man-created thing of all time) and I would be the most totally rockin’ mom if I came home with Adam’s autograph on my boobs. But that’s just me. So glad you met one of your idols. You are one of mine. I am going to keep a monkey hat in my purse, so if we ever meet and you’re like, ‘who the eff are you, you don’t really read my blog’ I can pull it out and say, ‘see? I know about you and your crush on a gay man – excuse me, crush on Neil Gaiman. I AM A FAN!’ Then I would put on the monkey hat and we would pose with you feeding me a banana.
That’s my dream. That and meeting Adam Savage.
Wow! First time reading your blog, but I didn’t skip over to the GPS post and I think that’s a good thing because I freaking love Neil Gaiman too! And really, what other type of question could you ask him? You don’t get much more awesome than Unicorns and Zombies!
There is a flaw with your theory. Unicorns can only be tamed by virgins. Doesn’t mean they won’t appear for the unpure….just sayin. Unicorns would totally win, cause they would hoove, magick, and stab the unliving daylights out of the mutha effing zombies.
I love everything about this SO. MUCH. Whoever set up your interview in a bathroom is a friggin’ genius because how else do you set the appropriate mood to discuss zombies vs. unicorns? However, I really wish that Adam Savage would have given his opinion on the subject because that guy is totally nerdy enough to have already thought that shit through.
When the hell is W00tstock coming to Seattle?!
My 3 year old son (part time savant, part time bad ass, full time pain in the ass) requested a Unicorn pillow pet as his “anything your heart desires” gift for making it to the top of his behaviour chart…when I asked why a unicorn he said they can fly around the world and slide down rainbows (but with his eyes he was saying defeat zombies)…I think he is preparing his army for the zombie apocalypse and I’m afraid for the zombies.
I think you can be forgiven your fan-girly reaction. It is Neil Freakin’ Gaiman. The first time I met him I had driven several hours to hear him speak. I went early in the day because I didn’t want to cross the Bay Bridge in traffic. I had this whole short speech planned out. And I went to get some food and pass the time until the event. Lo and behold Neil is sitting at a table at the cafe I randomly found. I managed to get out the words, “Um can I get a picture with you?” To which he very kindly obliged. I have talked with him twice in person since. Both times I had the same brain lock…I figure by the tenth or twelfth time I have talked with him I might say something intelligent.
Has nobody taken into account that battles are won or lost before they’re even fought? Sun Tzu, Art of War y’all. Planning, strategy -that’s what carries the day. Unicorns aren’t just pure, they’re smart. (Never seen one get caught, did’ya?) They’d take one look at the bumbling meandering not-smart zombie mob and know just what to do. Braveheart style, they’d line up shoulder to shoulder like elite cavalry and “mow them down like grass”. The zombies, not having William Wallace to lead them, would not have the extra long spears needed to defeat such a charge and would succum to the Gaiman-described mushing that would ensue. (Except in Scotland if Wallace dug himself out and led the Scottish zombie contingent. Then they’d have a decent shot to win that one battle).
Or you could have just listened to Neil freakin’ Gaiman in the first place. The guy wrote “Sandman”, he knows his undead. Fun post any which way. Thanks B’ess.
You are awesome, Neil Gaiman is awesome, Victor is awesome. Sounds like a great day!
I went home at lunch and told my husband all about this post. He got confused because in the middle I started telling him about the GPS story and he was all, “Wait, why would unicorns use GPS to kill zombies?” I told him that it was the zombies because the unicorns’ horns always point to true north. And I told him that asking Neil Gaiman about unicorns and zombies was the PERFECT question because Gaiman is all about imagination. And he said, “And he sings well too.”
And said, “oooo…..Jenny is going to KILL you.”
I AM SO JEALOUS!
You’re so lucky, Jenny… I was supposed to go to one of Neil’s signings last year in Atlanta and I missed it. Not because I was sick or had to work or anything, I just showed up a day late. Because I’m an idiot like that.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried harder about anything in my life. All I wanted was to get his autograph and tell him how awesome I think he is. I probably would’ve been just as fangirly as you were, possibly more.
I keep my inner fanboi pretty tightly chained, but I’d have made you look like an Queen Elizabeth II, on heavy sedatives, on the most blasé day of her life, after sitting through a four-hour lecture on “Famous Romances of the Accountants, 1810-1811” if I were to get to meet Neil Gaiman.
Since I can’t touch you, I’m touching the browser window on my monitory. These sad smudges of envy will never wipe off.
1) I have a girl crush on you, and I want to be just like you when I grow up.
2)I have a love crush on Neil Gaiman, and while you would expect that jealousy would prevail, your interactions with him have not diminished my girl crush on you.
3) Zombies totally win. After all, everyone knows there is no such thing as unicorns.
OK, first, so jealous.
Second, if the Olsen twins/virgins are the only ones who can see unicorns, don’t they have the upper hand being invisible? The zombies can’t see them coming or to bite them, so instant win unicorns, right?
also, what is this little “commentLUV” thing down here?
Did you really really seriously; and I mean this in the most serious, microsoft speaking to apple sort of seriousness ask this question, ask Neil Gaiman the question you asked him? Cos Eddie Izzard is my hero and when I met him, I really wanted to ask him if he really like his women like he liked his coffee, which is in a plastic cup, but all I could actually ask him was to give me an autograph. You see I thought I would embarass him with my question and in turn embarass myself, but you did an awesome job with the zombie vs unicorn question.
also how did you get Gaiman’s attention? Would you be my mentor and guiding light to my hero quest?
From jenny: I really did ask him that. And he confirmed it on twitter. I can’t really remember what I did to get his attention but I’m sure it was something mortifying. Also, I’m flattered but I am utterly unqualified to be anyone’s mentor. I’m more of a warning sign if anything.
Here’s an Oregon Trail tribute game in which you survive a zombie apocalypse. Happy Friday! http://bit.ly/aDdTLh
h/t @daveweigel & Frank J. Fleming (IMAO)
shutthefuckup!! You got to meet OMGNEILGAIMAN?!??
If I had realized he would be in Austin, I would have stalked the SHIT out of him! How did I miss that? Oh. Right. Booze.
SO fucking jealous.
I’ve loved Neil Gaiman since “Neverwhere” and have never looked back. In fact *NERD ALERT* I’m insisting that we use something he wrote in our wedding. That makes me just a little badass. Not as badass as a monkey hat, but close.
I wonder if Misty includes the sign for “elephant spunk” in her baby sign language class…
I love you. Just had to say it. I’m sure Neil did as well. This post is awesome.
My husband has had a zombie plan every place we’ve lived together. Naturally, that’s why I married him. Because he’s thought a LOT about it and when the zombie apocalypse inevitably happens, who do you want to try to survive with? NOT A SKEPTIC. Because skeptics=zombies. And as interesting as it would to be a zombie, assuming you hold on to some mental facilities (and obviously you do, otherwise how else would you know to bite humans/walk to your house or the mall, etc.), getting bitten would absolutely suck.
Anyways… I’m glad you met your hero. And I enjoyed your tweets.
Carbonite? Kryptonite? Doc Oc? Victor is KING of the nerds. Or at least a Duke or something.
okay first, that post is amazing on so many levels. I have though about the zombie apocalypse and how I would totally survive, on many occasions. So if anyone is giving you crap about it being sooo 2009, they are they first ones to go (or not go? since technically they ARE dead but they are kinda alive at the same time…ahh now I’m going to think about this conundrum ALL night..THANKS JENNY)
Second, have you seen The Walking Dead yet on AMC. If not you really should. Its so well done and amazing in all its zombieness. The comic book is beyond amazing as well. They go into all the logistics too, so we’re not alone in our thinking.
oh and its cool that you got to meet your idol too. I probably should have started with that huh?
It would be a perfect moment for me if I could be in between the two of you. I can look like a serious author. Of…book things. Or comments on websites. Either way, it would be great.
P.S. I like your hair.
OK, this is breathtaking and wonderful.
I have to say, I know *exactly* what you mean about the scariest thing about meeting your idols is realizing that it means they have to meet you! ROFL! I’ve dreamed nearly all my life for a chance to meet Alex Lifeson of Rush, but realized that even if I did get the chance, would I really want to subject him to that? Odds are I’d either become a blithering idiot, stare at him in awe praying he doesn’t notice the bit of drool at the edge of my mouth or try to find a few people to hide behind so that maybe he wouldn’t actually see me when I reach out to shake his hand (IF I can squirrel up the courage to do even *that* much!)
It sounds like @neilhimself is pretty cool, though, and I’m *really* glad you got to meet him and try on his monkey cap 🙂 Oh, and as a first time reader, this post wasn’t hard to follow at all, so don’t worry about scaring us off, eh?
I can’t believe you didn’t try to sneak away with the monkey hat as a souvenir. I would have been all about casually walking out with it on like I forgot I had it on, but I can understand you probably didn’t want that to be the final picture of you that he remembers. I mean it IS a monkey hat and all. Adorable photos!
OMG! This is beyond awesome! You are actually probably the only person I know who did not freeze or suffer sudden brain death when they met their idol in real life! Now I wish even more to turn back time to the night when I got to be the first in line to meet David Sedaris. I totally blew it and have been crying about it ever since… Now I think it’s because I did NOT drink enough. *sobs*
Those pictures of the two of you are so f* adorable. Neil is gracious as ever, just how he rolls I guess. Sigh, those Brits. They cannot help themselves can they? Even when they curse, they are charming.
I can’t help but feel unicorns may have some sort of Turn Undead.
I had a similarly motivated, if far less funny Neil Gaiman freakout. He was doing a reading at a Borders in Monroeville , PA. We were right next to the cafe and they were going about their business with the espresso maker. PSSHHHHHHH! WHAPWHAP WHAP! FInally he stops, and what I later recognize as rhetorically, asks “Are they mining back there?” I was so very very excited, see, I used to work at a bookstore coffee bar and Neil Gaiman wanted to know something and I COULD HELP! I began waving my hand in the air wildly, like a 3rd grader that desperately has to pee and explained, incomprehensibly fast and jumbled exactly how an espresso machine worked and they were beating on the counter to shake loose the grounds. Neil was classy enough to simply look baffled and thank me while I turned beet red and he continued reading.
Think it should be stated.. that Zombies apocalypse might not win for as long as you all think… While zombies would still win by their means of bite- reproduction… unicorns… are so innocent can they even have sex? unless of course they are rebotic unicorns then we are all goners…. http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html & http://games.adultswim.com/robot-unicorn-attack-twitchy-online-game.html
I say over to my husband “who’s Ray Bradbury?” and he tells me and then I said “Oh, so if someone met him it would be a big deal?” He replies “Yeah, since he’s dead, I think that would make it a bigger deal. I had thought you met both of them. I’m super glad you got to meet the living one.
There should have been some kind of cataclysmic burst of positivity spontaneously occurring throughout the universe when the two of you met up – he creates amazing stories, your amazing life begs to be told to us each week in a story format. The perfect match up. YOU DID WELL!!
Ummm…is comment #161 from Himself?
You make me feel like my total lack of meeting new people/hero/social gathering skills are normal.
Plus I am with you to a point. Just one clarification: Are they PURE unicorns, or like the pegasus/unicorn hybrids? Cause that changes EVERYTHING
Omgosh!
You’re wearing your real hair in this one-question interview. *clap clap* we can all see how important Neil really is to you.
Oh Bloggess, don’t ever change! I’m in the Gaiman camp though. Unicorns can easily beat an equal number of zombies. Mostly because he said so,
This post makes me undoubtedly vehemently fucking happy as shit.
So – you didn’t mention – and I understand that it may have been a “private moment” and all – but did you grope Neil Gaiman’s ass for me? Because, y’know, I’ll probably never get the chance and you did – so as a czar and Queen of the interweb it was kind of your duty to do it on behalf of your loyal subjects.
Czar! Sczhmar! When I interviewed God a couple of weeks ago, He called Jenny a goddess. Actually, like a demi-goddess. Quite a compliment, I thought.
Your question was a 10, your answer was an 11 and the photo was Pi. Now I am am off to eat pancakes with John Christopher, Judy Blume and Ogden Nash. Pass the butter and wish me luck.
A Bloggess fan girl
Zombie porn and zombie reproduction through zombie sex, see…Dead-Alive/Peter Jackson. Great question that deserves further research.
Did you know that you can be a producer of a CG version of The Price, narrated by Neil Gaiman? True.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2024077040/neil-gaimans-the-price
Ok, I was wrong. THIS is my favorite post ever. EVER!!!!
The hat is fucking fantastic!
Have you EVER read Ray Bradbury’s collected poems? I was such a ridiculous fan girl about his poetry, it was ridiculous but I had trouble finding his poetry books because they were out-of-print and it was 1988 and Abebooks.com had not been invented yet. So, I wrote to his publisher asking about any old copies of his poetry books lying around and got a funny airmail letter one day in response. RAY BRADBURY HAD WRITTEN BACK TO ME! IN BLACK MARKER! HE HAS TERRIBLE HANDWRITING! But he was so gracious and polite and recommended that I just keep looking because he didn’t have any extra copies. I’m sure he probably had already loaned out all of his own copies because WHO DOESN’T want to read poems written by Ray FRACKING Bradbury???????
I’m very jealous of you right now 🙂
You’re lucky. ^.^
When I met Neil, it was after an extremely long reading/Q&A/signing. My friend and I waited until the very end (we preferred to let everyone rush to get in line and stand around forever, waiting until the end for our turn) and Neil was tired and grumpy by the time we got to him. But he was still great.
And now, as ever, I wish that I had a brain like yours. Everything you write is amusing and engaging.
<3
I have a feeling one day you’re going to be a Neil Gaiman for some unknown on the rise. Better pack a suitable hat now.
THANK YOU for the vicarious gushing!!!
OMG!! NEIL GAIMAN!! You met NEIL GAIMAN!! I’m swooning here.
Also, you must get a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Immediately. Z Day hasn’t come yet, but it will. It will. If you want to be at all prepared, get this book. Now.
I keep laughing out loud here in the kitchen and my husband is starting to look at me funny and wondering if I am losing it, all because of you. I might need to try the butcher knife thing soon.
Did you mean Neil Diamond?
Wait, back up a minute. There is no more askthebloggess?? WTF?!?!!? Not even an archive of all that awesomesauce advice? WTH is wrong with pnn?
I *love* the pictures of the two of you with the monkey hat. Both of them. Neil Gaiman looking all debonaire in it, and then you looking totally happy and him giving you props for pulling it off (or looking like “I sense she’s about to steal my monkey hat. Can you sense that she’s about to steal my monkey hat?”)
So jealous you got to meet Neil Gaiman. 🙂 Hooray!
oh my god! neil is good friends with tori! you were one degree of separation from tori.
I’m not gonna read through the comments (or spell check) since it’s past 3 in the morning and I’ve been trying to force my brain to understand math for the past 7 hours, but I’d say zombies are very now, just chech out this new day of the dead series that just started. Zombiegirl in half on lawn, say no more say no more wink wink nudge nudge.
the walking dead, not day of the dead. and watch/ play dead rising, night-, dawn-, day-, diary-, and Shaun of- the dead, the living dead, 28 days later, 28 weeks later, resident evil, left for dead, I made a game with zombies in it, and so on and so forth…
…Did I take my sleeping pill?
OMG FAN GIRL FLAIL
i love him, i am so jealous of you!
and also i think you upped your awesomeness quotient by at least 10%, probably giving you somewhere around 245% awesomeness.
Thank you sooooo much for this interview!!! I adore Neil.
100% funny.
I forgot to add that my two personal favs are Smoke and Mirrors and The Absolute Death.
I Love You
Are unicorns and zombies even natural enemies? I think they’d live independently of each other. And I don’t think a zombie could ever take down a unicorn, because all the hooving. And because their brains are protected by their corn. Their horn. Their antler? Nothing sounds right. But maybe the zombies can just bite the unicorns on the rump and make zombie unicorns and then they can just live in peace together. Except it probably won’t be that peaceful for all those children hiding in the school.
OMG squeeing over here, right with you.
FWIW, my 4-year-old told me (with way too much authority) that we’re all gonna be resurrected as zombies some day after we die. (Maybe he read it in an obscure verse from Revelations?) I dunno, if Jesus has anything to do with this resurrection, then maybe the unicorns are totally screwed. Jesus and His Army of Zombies vs. the unicorns. Now THAT’S a fight worth watching!
Neil Gaiman is awesome.
so is the hat you have down near the end.
Zombies are always awesome.
oh and there is fairly recent porno titled: Porn of the dead. Hooray zombie porn.
It’s not that unicorns can show up only around virgins, it’s that they can only be around things that are pure and good. (Purity for some odd reason is historically associated with virginity, but damn, I know some really evil virgins)
Which, if anything, only strengthens your argument, because if there’s anything that’s not pure (in the angels-kiss-me-awake-each-morning-and-giggling-gentle-forest-creatures-make-me-breakfast sort of way), it’s a zombie, so their mere existence would either make the unicorns go “poof” and disappear or, heaven forbid, should a zombie manage to touch a unicorn, I think it would instantly get ebola, whatever they had on the Oregon Trail, rabies, the plague, and diseases that would mean an instant and painful death.
I have to say…YOU are my hero! I am TOTALLY living vicariously through you and am having A BLAST!
So can unicorns become zombies? Because ZOMBIE UNICORNS would be a fucking WAR MACHINE. But maybe if a zombie bit a unicorn, the unicorn would be immune. Maybe if unicorns and zombies simultaneously bit each other, the world would implode.
Oh. My. God. Funniest post ever.
I cannot even begin to say how awesome you are. We went to W00tstock in San Francisco (with Wil, who was awesome, but sadly not Neil) and loved it too!
Unicorns would win because your logic is flawed.
You don’t have to be a schoolchild to be a virgin.
So all the nuns and monks who weren’t zombies could run unicorn breeding programs (in God’s name).
Also next time you are in a room with 200 people have a look round to see how many you can’t imagine ever getting laid. Yeah? Now add about half of the 11 million folks playing WOW and not having had a relationship before their addiction began…. internet cafes full of fornicating unicorns comes to mind. No, they won’t be embarrassed because all the people will be glued to their games and won’t give the unicorns a second glance… I could go on but I need to go shopping. My husband went to the butcher’s for a weekly shop and bought 8lbs of lamb chops and 2 sausagas. I may have to stab him on my way out.
Did anyone consider that once the unicorns get bitten and become zombies the other zombies instantly then become magically transformed into unicorns, although zombie unicorns.
Doesn’t seem like that confusing an issue to me.
Totally win win.
Okay, I see that I am late with that previous thought, as Ana beat me to it, so I will resubmit a suggestion here that once the zombie unicorn zombies have taken over, traffic will no longer be as much a problem, especially on the interstates.
Also teenage drug use.
My husband can always tell when I’m reading your blog from the snorting coming from my side of the bed.
While informing him what all the noise was about, he discovered my complete lack of zombie knowledge. Luckily, he is quite educated on the topic. We now have family readiness plan.
Ok. This is awesome, and congrats. Also, unicorns only appear to women. Duh. Haven’t you seen the last unicorn? Or read it? I’m sure Neil has. And probably Victor too. It’s totally in the unicorn canon.
envy envy envy!!!! i so glad you got to meet him again but i wish i did too 🙂 ‘Good Omens’ is my favorite book of all time…..i had to buy a 2nd book because the first started to fall apart after the 30th time i reread it! i’m glad he isn’t a tool LOL i hate when that happens….
Isn’t Neil cool. I wont share my own surreal Neil meeting story, but I think that surreal fan meetings are a norm in his life.
I do believe that Unicorns would win though. Zombies are reanimate corpses and at that point virginity doesn’t mater to a unicorn, also their horns have the ability to purify as well as impale.
Either way it should so be a mythbuster eps.
I was good with the concept of the unicorn/zombie fight until you brought math into it. I’m not good with math.
bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ahahahahahaha*choke*hahahahahaha*gasp*hahahahahahahahaha
OMG I can’t stop lmfao…
btw… brilliant, sweetie… absolutely frickin’ brilliant!
A note on the GPS thing– I read somewhere that scientific studies show that men are more prone to locate things based off of systems like street names and women are more likely to locate things in terms of landmarks and relative distances. So your GPS is probably just being sexist.
Okay look I hate to argue with you (and please excuse my funny syntax but I just read A LOT of your posts at once and I tend to imitate style if it sounds very excited) but you are completely wrong about the unicorns and zombies. I admire your detailed thoughts but your crucial error is to think that unicorns only appear to virgins. Yes, only virgins can call/feed/ride unicorns, but unicorns can APPEAR and ATTACK everyone. This is true, just ask the Brothers Grimm (The Valiant Little Tailor) – this is totally unicorn canon. Now my brother thinks zombies would still win because they can zombiefy unicorns but actually unicorns can procreate and therefore have potentially unlimited reinforcements while zombies have to rely on a steady supply of human victims and unicorns are much too smart to get zombiefied all the time.
I probably wouldn´t have typed this if it wasn´t midnight.
She is my God girl. I love her more then anyone.
Also, I fucked up my Neil Gaiman moment at an Amanda Palmer concert in San Diego at the last minute and hid behind my camera while my friend Amber got a hug and a picture from him.
Hi!
I know I’m like 8 months late on this post, but a FB friend put up the link to your towels battle ending with a huge chicken and I’ve been reading back since then. Anyways, Zombies are awesome and totally not 2009!
Oh and love the monkey hat on you and Neil!
“zombies have lost their souls so even if unicorn blood did make them alive again they’d still be soul-less zombies except that now they’d be super fast and not slow-and-lumbering because they wouldn’t have to deal with rigor mortis anymore”
And this is how vampires are made.
Which explains why the vampires of 2011 sparkle.
“Neil Gaiman as Wil Wheaton”
this video was made for you
Hey Bloggress, apparently you tell the future, because some guy ACTUALLY ate another guy’s face off in Miami. No lie. Search up the Miami apocalypse.
You are so funny. Love reading how you met Neil Gaiman! Also I was so excited to find your book at my tiny local library in the “rent a best seller” section. Thanks for making me smile 🙂
Hurry, Only Few Copys Left!
Awesome and amazing post! (I’m not at all biased because I’ve been a Gaimanite for over two decades.) That said, I don’t know if you’re a Holly Black fan, but she did an anthology of Unicorn vs. Zombies a few years back (the unicorn and zombie stories are separate but I seem to have lost the ability to write in English after reading, and vicariously living through, your experience with a true God of literature.).
Blessed Be,
D. K. Stevens
That’s supercool to stand text to Neil, congratulations! and just so you know you don’t reflect in the mirror on the photo because the pic is taken at the wrong angle 🙂
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It was really insightful.
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