A few days ago a PR agency asked if I’d like to do a live video interview with Santa and was like “You have obviously never read me. OF COURSE I’LL DO A LIVE, UNSCRIPTED INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS WHERE I CAN ASK HIM ANYTHING WITH NO REPERCUSSIONS” and then I felt a little bad for the company because it was pretty clear they had no idea what they were getting themselves into and I considered asking Santa all serious questions about healthcare reform and abortion rights just to see how he’d react but I don’t actually know enough about those topics to ask legitimate questions about them so instead I decided to just see if I could get Santa to say something vaguely inappropriate within the first four minutes and by minute two he was all “I. DO. NOT. watch ANYONE getting undressed, Jenny“. And technically he was just saying that to defend himself, but still? I count that as a win.
There’s a video right here but it’s really hard to hear me so I’m just going to share my questions here:
1. When I was eight I asked you to kidnap my sister and replace her with a puppy and I got the puppy but I still have my sister. Do I need to send her to you or drop her off somewhere?
2. In an epic battle for world domination between zombies and unicorns, who would win?
3. Do you ever get mad that you have to share the spotlight with Jesus?
4. You know that song that goes “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake”? Are you also watching me when I’m getting undressed? Because lately I’ve been undressing under a tarp and it’s kind of uncomfortable.
5. Can you tell me about your sack? Just how big is it?
6. Do the elves mind if you call them “elves” or do you have to call them “little people?”
Overall, Santa handled it like a pro but Mrs. Claus looked a little pissed. Probably because some strange woman was asking her husband to describe his sack.
PS. My favorite clarification from Santa: “If you’re being naughty naked, I’m not looking.”