I’m so on time for my weekly wrap-up that I’m half-wondering if I slept through Sunday and it’s now accidentally Monday.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on Ill-advised:
- Birth plans, cannibalism, and terrible gifts for the baby Jesus. Also, I just want to point out that it’s called “Ill-advised” for a reason. Stop yelling at me.
This week on my shop (which I probably need to name):
- Death-match ~ Send this postcard to friends and family to make them think you’re having the most violently fascinating vacation ever. The back is blank but I’d suggest a simple “Wish you were here” followed by a bloody hand print. (No animals were harmed in the making of this card and in fact I was eating a vegetarian lasagna when I made it.)
- I like you. And I have a knife. ~ This card tells people you have their back and also it scares them a little, but in a good way. I plan to use this as my personal all-occasion stationary. It’s the perfect card to send to people who are dealing with difficult coworkers, angry bears or internet trolls.
- Also, I eat babies. ~ This mouse-pad is awesome because people will see it and they’ll be all “Aw, what a sweet kitty!” and then they’ll read the bottom and they’ll be all confused and they’ll back out of your office without ever giving you whatever work they wanted you to do. The cat on this mouse-pad just saved you from work. Also, it eats babies.
This week on the internets:
- Everything that happened right after comment # 101 = why I love the internet. Also, you people need to make this harder. It took me like 39 seconds to figure out who you are, James. By the way, I’m sorry you lost your bid for the House seat with only 2% of the votes in your favor. Politics are hard. When I was appointed Czar my crown was really pinchy on my head and it gave me a huge headache so I totally know your struggle.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
Comment of the day: Columbus Day sucks. It always starts off with me thinking it’s a holiday full of spices and riches and I walk around calling everyone Indians and then I realize I’m not where I think I am but I just keep calling everyone Indian anyway and then they all get small pox and die. ~ Mrs. P
You may have won the Most Crazy Commenters award this week. But it’s okay – we still love you (and you have a knife).
That sexy Christmas gift list is a real life-saver. Now I know what to buy my neighbours, boss and in-laws. Thanks.
It’s actually Tuesday, from what I hear.
I feel about big, close-up eye pictures the way you feel about giant squid, but I made the sacrifice to read this post (and the other wrap up post with the giant eye with the hand… OK, I still haven’t recovered from that one) because I think you and your store are awesome.
Also, I eat babies.
In case I haven’t told you today, you fucking rock!
When jackasses leave mean or stupid nonsense comments on my blog I die a little inside. But thankfully the rum & eggnog is there to revive me.
SD
I love your baby birth plan. I’ve never been pregnant, but my friends and family tell me that there is a terrible compulsion that becomes apparent in many people to come up and fondle your belly and ask you all kind of deeply personal questions, people you don’t even know, people you wouldn’t even normally TALK to because they’ve got The Crazy Eye. Not that The Crazy Eye is bad or anything James, I know YOURS is only temporary and you’d never, you know, perform what is basically considered assault to people without pregnant bellies. I mean, if someone came up to me and started reaching for my stomach, I’d get all 911 in their face.
Aww, the “I like you” card is so sweet! Made me cry a little. Also, I noticed your “Be Nice or I will Stab You” items, and I want to ask your permission to use that in my first grade classroom as one of my rules. Is that ok with you? Thanks. You’re the best!
Was really expecting more out of that line shack link. A joke or creepy ending, but all in all, nice read. Makes me think of the crazy lady I care for, she’ll sometimes take to calling me Dad. She’s 73 and I’m 31.
@StephQJ – why did you call Jenny a f*cking rock?
~EdT.
Damn autocorrect … Took me three damn times to put in my email. At any rate, SUNDAY is my day off…in my house…and family…so I like Sundays. I don’t do shit the other six days either. So let’s not skip today! Just saying…
It’s Monday in New Zealand.
LOVE the last link. Thank you so much, Jenny. You might just save me from my couch…
Wow. I never leave comments. Or my e-mail address to questionable folk like me (but who aren’t me, thus have no access to my in-box). But it feels a lot like intervention time.
First, sorry I am posting this here…And let me just say, it took me forever to get to the bottom of this page as I clicked on pretty much *every* link. Yup. And before I went here I searched for a way to contact you by typing “email Jenny” in the search box. Which, you’re probably thinking right about now, “um…I don’t have search box-what is this crazy person talking about?” I’m so awesome I create search boxes on other people’s blogs. Or I search their archives in a desperate hope that somewhere, anywhere, there is a way to contact them…What was I going to say?
That’s right: I MISS “ASK THE BLOGGESS” A LOT. (I used caps because I think it’s warranted here, but I’m not actually yelling at my computer…although…I could probably get out of cleaning my house if I did those kind of things. hmmmm) When I first started reading your stuff I was going through some pretty painful shiza. Ask the Bloggess was laugh-so-hard-you-cry funny. Only when it wasn’t because the questions did not call for it. The mixture of absurd and poignant helped me sift through my own emotional sandbox and scoop out all the “presents” left by neighboring cats (and me-haters). It was the fresh air that I needed to move on.
And then your blog was scooped up by some website, and then it disappeared. Please, please please please, don’t tell me this is some bureaucratic bull-honky, or legal what-the-who. Tell me instead that you just have enough going on in your life to not need to respond to random *fans* who send you obnoxious and seriously too long comments on the wrong place on your blog. (You’re welcome btw) Oh, and add that the advice column…(Not ill-advised, which is funny and nice, but I’m already doing a stellar job at being a horrible parent) the advice column where you experiment with jam and bread and your neighbors’ dead cat, will be back up just as soon as you can spare it. Seriously. I need more of that funny.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “Well. I will just get right on with that, as I am your f*ing fairy.” Except that it is impossible because MaryJane killed my fairy. (I told you I clicked on all the links) So I guess what I am really saying, is: I will practice on being grateful for what I did get…and that the advice column pulled me out of a deep funk just when I needed it, and I will pat a fat Buddha’s belly, and click on all your links and hope, just hope, that your best advice column comes back from the dead. (And also: your never getting these past five minutes back, but then neither am I, so we’re even???)
Age old question… Which came first, Russell Brand or Tim Minchin?
I don’t care if you have a knife. If I had to die from a stab wound, I would hope it’s from somebody as nice as you. Preferably you, yourself.
Thank You for the link to “the gift of imperfection”. I have faced so much personal conflict in recent years, with no way forward, and Brene Browns work on the subject has opened the door and offered me a way forward. To you, posting this link was a small thing to do but you have probably just given me a way to fundamentally improve my life. Thank you.
I will be sacrificing a goat in your honor.
(((HUGS)))
If your eyeball got a cataract, would you be cloudy?
And? If I hadn’t gotten “voluntarily” sterilized, I would so want you to write my birth plan.
LOVED the sex column!
Do you know if they have that riding crop in the three wise men? I was told that I really need to push my sexual boundaries….
So, did you cover why Columbus Day is your least favorite and I missed it?
I’m moving to Mary-Kanada too – they have dragons there!!
@Carrie
Why wouldn’t Columbus Day be the worst day in the entire world? Columbus is all like “hey, I’m a douche bag, but I want to be a rich douche bag. So here my Indian friends, we’ll take all your gold and land, and I’ll give you this vile of smallpox **giggle** good luck!” Plus, there is no mail on Columbus Day.
Columbus Day sucks. It always starts off with me thinking it’s a holiday full of spices and riches and I walk around calling everyone Indians and then I realize I’m not where I think I am but I just keep calling everyone Indian anyway and then they all get small pox and die.
I need to get the I like you cards. I would love to send one to my in-laws and confuse the hell out of them. heh And the kitteh I also eat babies mouse pad it officially on my xmas list.
I’m kicking myself for not participating after comment #101. This is why my whole “Only read the first 100 comments” rule needs to go.
Now I just have to convince my head voices to scrap it.
Wish me luck!
I can handle an Accidental Monday it’s those Manic Mondays when I forget to take my meds that really bring me down. On the other hand, those Mondays allow me to get a lot of stuff done what with mania spurring me on.
I must buy everything in your Zazzle store now…because the items far exceed anything else I have seen anywhere in the marketplace today. Total Awesomeness.
Thank you for the Tim Minchin link! I discovered him through a different link about a month (two?) ago and fell in love with him. I hate to think how many hours I lost to YouTube, chasing down links to every video ever posted of him. Totally worth it. Glad to see that I’m not the only one!
I think out of all the people I have heard of you maybe are the most likely to be hit by a huge ship … so this recommendation is just precautionary.
How to Avoid Huge Ships [Paperback]
John W. Trimmer
John W. Trimmer (Author)
Huge ships are also a frequent zombie gathering place. You just cant be too careful… It was a roundabout thought from Columbus Day, because he did sail a huge ship in his day.
I so need to get me some of those cards.. and make a few myself. Happy times.
I really enjoyed your sexy Christmas presents; and your photo was beautiful too.
Your comment section IS the happening place. Oftentimes it feels like a death fight ring too. Oh the pressure to be witty. The internet is not working too well at work for me: I cannot watch any video today. Since watching video online is not part of my job description, I really cannot complain to our IT. I wonder whether my company has figured out some way to INCREASE productivity at work. Hmmm. Lastly, say what you will, I will NEVER get close to a van with no windows. They are SERIAL KILLER VANS.
Your list of Christmas presents made me giggle. A lot. *a lot* Also, I need a shower.
I wanted to be all inspired by the “For you and your daughters” video you posted but instead I was just disgusted by the fact that in the last few seconds of the video they misspelled the word entrepreneur. Which is fine if you are a normal person, or if you have lost your access to spell check. But if your whole point is that women can do anything, start with the spelling, right? And just LOOK at the word entrepreneur. It begs to be misspelled, so double check that one, right? The longer you stare at it, the more it looks like you misspelled it.
Damn French words.
I love the “I like you” card – that was great!!
The birth plan article had me laughing so hard I was in tears – why not photo shop the cat mouse pad to have a photo of the mother who is going to become a cannibal on it (instead of the cat) for her to take to the birthing room with her as her focal point. That would be hilarious.
LMAO at all the “sexy” Christmas gifts. Is what was in the elf costume INCLUDED? heh.
Great article!
LOL at douche-canoe! Never heard that one before but I plan to steal it and make it my own!
Jenny,
I have 500 dollars to donate if you have anymore needy families. You are the best. Thank you for all you do.
Opie
Okay, so Zazzle is great and all, but I’m doing a trial of a website where you can send photo postcards from your camera phone, and unfortunately my phone provider isn’t linked up with it, but it has allowed me to upload images from my computer. You get 10 free ones for the trial. I’ve sent out 5 with photos of my niece, or my fiance and I…but it never occurred to me to use my graphic design skills to design inappropriate images to send as postcards.
Probably not a long term solution, but you’d get 10 free postcards out of it, instead of $4.50 a piece like on Zazzle.
And now I’m off to write Inappropriate Thank You cards.