An open letter to my friend, Keith, who unwittingly made me talk about penises at the post office

in Random Crap

Dear Keith:

I went to pick up the mail in my post office box and the clerk handed me the gift you sent me.  I realize that you market your penis-reduction-pills as ego-boosters for men but when you’re a girl who has to sign for a box that has “PENIS REDUCTION PILLS” stamped on every visible surface it kind of has exactly the opposite effect.

for blog

Conversation I had with the guy giving me the package:

Him:  So. How are those working out for you?

me:  What?  Oh.  It’s not for my penis.

him: Ah.

me:  I mean, I don’t even have a penis.

him:  Okay.

me:    I’ve never had a penis.

him:  You don’t have to explain it to me, ma’am.  Have a nice day.

And this is why I can never go back to that post office again.

I blame you, Keith.

~Jenny

175 thoughts on “An open letter to my friend, Keith, who unwittingly made me talk about penises at the post office”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. If they work too well, you need to keep the box so people know your penis used to be huge. Where did I see that?

  5. This is the problem with our society: When YOU talk to a stranger about your penis, it’s a “conversation”; when *I* do it, it’s “sexual harassment.”

  14. I couldnt even read the details since just looking at the box has me rolling on the floor!!!!!! lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

    Question – Penis REDUCTION????? is it like it sounds?? what kind of man wants to REDUCE their penis size?!?!?!? Am I missing something???

    Still laughing..

  16. I too once dated a man who could have used these pills. Also, have dated many men that apparently had already taken them…

  17. Almost the exact same thing happened to my friend George when he picked up his “Grow Your Very Own Vagina” kit. His wife was sick of him using hers, so he thought he’d give her a break. He was really into self-sufficiency back in ’06.

    The box was quite a bit smaller though, containing only a pair of garden shears and some baling twine.

    We really need to start our own intentional community where this sort of thing is accepted, dammit.

  20. I have a stash of envelopes that I keep for people like this. All look legit and say stuff like:
    The Compulsive Masterbation Assistance Group- Enclosed is the FREE application you requested!
    Homosexuals Living In The Closet Society of America-Enclosed is the FREE application you requested!
    Sheep Lovers International-Requested membership information inside!
    and
    Back Hair Removal Systems-Requested information enclosed!

    Maybe I should send you some 🙂

  27. I was ready to tell these men they didn’t need to go to such trouble. I’m single and dating on Match.com… Dating a guy who needed these pills seems like a step up.

  28. You should have said that you got a bad batch of meds recently that made you GROW a penis, which is why you need the penis reduction pills now. And that you are suing the drug company for everything they’ve got cuz if the pills don’t work, you’ll need to pay for reconstructive surgery to get rid of that thing. And you want to make sure the public is aware in case they end up going through the same thing. Cuz you’re all about helping others.

  29. Another possible retort to the postal worker: “Oh, they’re not for me, they’re for your mother.”

  34. OMG. Can you get your friend Keith to let the world know where in the world he found that stamp? I need to own one and start shipping my friends packages 24-7.

  42. This reminds me of the time my friend asked me to bring her a “giant wooden dong” bottle opener from Costa Rica. (You’d be surprised at how common those are here.) So I did, of course.

    Sadly, I forgot to put it in my checked bags. I have no idea what the airport screeners thought of me, but I got winked at 3 times going through customs and immigration and the head of the TSA at DFW gave me his digits.

    The good news is that my friend LOOOOOOOOOVES her bottle opener. Like *really* loves it.

  48. You’re looking at it all wrong. Instead of using the ‘I don’t have a penis’ angle you should have gone with the ‘I’m so hot, my husband keeps passing out from his massive erections’ angle.

    At least that’s what I would have done. If I had a vagina, I mean.

  51. Clearly Keith has never ordered a vibrator on the internet…it all comes in a plain brown wrapper…so I’ve heard, lol.

  55. we used to play the “penis game” back in jewish summer camp. (it’s far less creepy than it sounds, and is best played in public.) someone kicks off the game by saying “penis” and kids randomly take turns saying “penis” louder and louder until some crazy kid screams PEEEEENIS!!!!, inevitably next to a synogauge or something. i kind of hated the penis game, as i feared it made the jews look bad and we already have serious PR problems. i think i’d take the penis box in exchange for being stuck w/a bunch of pimply jewish preteens shouting PENIS! in public any day.

  56. Reminds me of the time my mother helped my (very religious) newlywed sister move. One of the boxes from the bedroom must not have been taped very well on the bottom, because the next thing she knew, a whole bunch of vibrating apparatuses (apparati?) fell out. My mom turned beet red and left the room, but my first thought was, “Heh. I wonder what the giant bloody Jesus hanging over their bed thinks of all this.”

  58. I so want your life because it is WAY more entertaining than my own. But then, you do have to deal with the whole RA thing, so maybe this is just the universe’s way of evening the score? Pain with hilarity or boringness without *severe* pain? Honestly don’t know which one’s better. 🙂

  59. In high school, the girls used to love to get those drop cards from Seventeen for free samples of tampons and have them sent to guys we knew. This is so much better.

  60. Reminds me of a friend of mine who would occasionally send things in an envelope marked with “STD CLINIC RESULTS, OPEN IMMEDIATELY.”
    Brilliant.

  61. Oh how I *wish* I would have seen this post before I interviewed you! Next time. . .

    In other news, I bet there are millions of men cringing at the sight of that picture.

  63. All I can think of is my husband and how terrified I’d be if he tried them. “NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT YOUR WONDERFUL SEVEN INCH PENIS!!!!!!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
    ;D

  65. I prefer to think that your husband had a HUGE Penis & has to make it smaller so he won’t have to go into porn & embarass himself.

  66. Obviously you need to send him a package (heh) of vagina tightening cream. Call it “Loose Lips Be Gone”.

    You’re welcome.

  69. @lunch at 11:30: we used to play the penis game in junior high. In fact, not too long ago we played in a bowling alley because someone brought up. We’re very mature 30-35 year olds.

  70. When he asked how they were working out for you; you should have responded in your most manly voice, “Great. Wanna see?”
    🙂 Next time….

  76. Now send Keith a box back with the words “vagina stapler” or some such upon it. Imagine trying to explain a vagina stapler. At least penis reduction pills can be conceptualized.

  77. You shoulda been all it’s for my husbands penis. It’s like a fucking andaconda. While keeping the most serious and slightly afraid expression.

  82. Seriously, between rumple-foreskin and now penis reduction meds there has been a lot of penis lately. Do you ever feel haunted by penis? I would feel like penises were stalking me.

  83. Just *another* reason to love you. Only you would be receiving mail that would end up having you talk about non-existent penises in the post office.

  85. The correct response to “How are those working out for you?” is a nice, deep “Oh, they’re amazing. Want some?”.
    And then the mail-man will never ask you a question ever again.

    What’s really in the box, decorated sex toys? A bunch of ice and the least sexy pictures in the known universe?

  86. You would think that a man would be almost afraid to ask about penis reducing pills that are not his own. Isn’t it almost guaranteed that whomever the pills are for has a bigger penis than yours? I hear men are sensitive about these things.

  87. Glad to see that when I wait until after commenting to read the other comments, other people have the same line of thought as me. I’m not the only crazy!

    Once you’ve played the Penis game, you then move on to playing the Vagina game, and Street Penis – where you sit near a busy thoroughfare and see how many obscenities you can say loudly – BOOBS PENIS WANG! – before somebody works out where the shouting is coming from and asks you to leave or something.

    Before I go on to explain how fun it is to send free samples of incontinence pads to friends or dog food samples to people who don’t own dogs, I have to confess that I own a copy of the Encyclopaedia of Immaturity.

  89. I haven’t had an honest erection since 2004. A couple of those pills, and I would need to try on the red dress to regain just a fraction of the self esteem of my long lost youth.

  90. okay now i’m going to have to order a bunch of like custom boxes with stupid shit like that written on them and send them to all of my friends.

  91. Kat #78 has a GREAT idea!
    Sign your box and put it up for auction and donate profits to a charity that gives Viagra to men in need.
    I actually meant sign the box in the picture, not *your box* because that’d be odd and I don’t think you’d want just anyone bidding on it. Your standards are much higher than that.

  93. You know how Bobby Flay (the chef) visits people for a “show-down” to see whose recipe is better? I’m thinking of a Keith vs. Jenny showdown. Time to step up your game Jenny. We’re waiting. BTW, poor, poor Victor. Unless he gets revenge sex tonight cuz that would so make sense.

  97. I have a friend named Keith and that totally sounds like something he would do. I’m going to pretend we have the SAME friend Keith so I can start bragging to people, “Hey, do you know how many degrees of separation I am from Jenny the Bloggess?” Awesome.

  99. I want to be the dude that gets to stamp all the boxes and everything that comes out of that office. Actually all’s I want is that stamp. I would stamp almost everything I own.

  101. If I was you I would have replied “Almost as well as my Tit-Engorging tablets. Those Thai doctors have progressed the field of transexuality immensely, wouldn’t you say?”

  103. This is very good. I might love Keith.
    I once got a gift in a “Protective Underwear” box addressed to “Cap’n Morgan o’ The Vessel Throbbin'”…delivered to my door by the sexiest male mail carrier in North Portland.
    Oh, sweet friendship.

  105. Two things.
    1. I can’t believe Texas let a box with the word Penis ALL OVER IT go through their mail.
    3. Can Keith be my new best friend? Because that shit is hilarious.

  106. Wow, no retorts like “oh, it’s just a gag gift”. Or “He’s sending me a Big Gulp in the other box”. Or “It’s for a friend, who’s a real big d*ck”.

    ~EdT.

  107. Is everyone else failing to see the postman’s implication that Jenny is a transvestite? *It has nothing to do with the size of her (none) penis, just the fact that she has (not) one.*

  108. My first thought upon reading the title, “Is there a bad place to talk about penis?”.

    Turns out, yes.

    Also, if I saw a man picking up that package? Would I think he had an enormous penis issue? No.

    I would assume the pills were bunk.

    He was never gonna be a girl.

  110. I’m actually kind of scared of Keith right now.

    I mean, imagine the boxes he uses to send packages to people he doesn’t like….that is, of course, assuming he does like you.

  111. Well Jenny…the only way to redeem yourself is to mail yourself a giant box labeled, “Enlarged Penises”. It should all be fixed then.

  112. I love you Jenny, but dear GAWD, I need some background on this Keith guy.

    That is hilarious. Could you imagine if he really sold self-esteem/life-affirmation books or something and some poor bastard has to endure this? I mean, sure, reduction is a hilarious idea… but seriously… to face those workers again.

    And if it’s a “she”… she’ll be givin’ him the lovin’ eye all the time.

    Keith, you mynx, you.

    _

  113. You should’ve explained that the package was for Victor, lamenting that you can really only take so much. Then Victor would jump at the opportunity to go to the post office for you… Every. Single. Time.

  114. That’s HYSTERICAL! Can you send your friend Keith a Russian Bride as payback? Just make sure they punch holes in the box or he’ll be opening a whole other can o’ worms…make that box o’ corpse.

  119. You might have been mortified, but maybe (just maybe) the dude behind the counter is an overly endowed schlong-a-rific good time waiting to happen but he needs those pills to be able to finally feel comfortable enough to drop trou in front of that pretty gal from the flower shop up the road. Those pills might be his ticket to glorious sexual freedom… you should go back and wiggle your cleavage in his general direction and tell him that he should invest in a batch of the pills if he wants to please his pretty lass.

    Or, you know… go in disguise next time you need to pick something up. And if they ask for id and compare your face your license, you can fake a hernia or something and run out.

    Heh… penis pills

  120. Once, a friend sent me a package for Christmas but marked the return address “Big Rod’s House of Fun”. Rather than address it to me, she merely put my company name on it. I didn’t get the mail that day. So, confused, the girl who sent it took it into my boss. I could overhear her ask about the package from the House of Fun. He could overhear me blurt out “OMG! I’M GONNA FRIGGIN’ KILL HER!”

    So I feel your pain.

  121. Sooooo… does Keith just sell pills? (candy or whatever) Or does he also sell the stamp? I would think the stamp would be a cool gift purchase for the man in your life that seems to have everything (and you don’t mind the insufferable inflated ego that would no doubt come with it.)

  122. I have to wonder if that conversation would have gone any better if those were vagina enlarger pills. Oh wait, no one wants a really large vagina. Vagina reductions pills maybe ? Wait, no. Then he would have just eyed you all skeevy like and assumed you were a slut. Either way? You probably want to think about switching post offices.

  123. I once bought envelopes with the return address of “Support Society for Men with Small Penises” or somethig like that. I was in high school and thought this was the funniest thing ever. Still kinda do….

    Also, since I am going to be eventually imprisoned for menacing CommentLuv which does not seem to want to display my latest blog entry, I know Jenny would want you all to read my latest post about smoking as well as the one before it where I call Justin Bieber a “spooky little chimpanzee.” So click on my name, people….I will now go deal with Commentluv in a non-violent way.

  126. I should order me up some of that, because I hate going to the post office – and frankly, I could use a really good excuse to avoid going. Would you believe I once ordered stamps online and they were lost in the mail? I’m not even joking. I pointed out the irony of this to the post office and they totally ignored me. They flat out refused to see the humor in this. My god that’s why I hate them so.

  129. I just wanted to let you that, as of this comment, the word “penis” has been used exactly 69 times on this page.

  133. That is so how I feel at the pharmacy all the time. Not that I buy penis enlargement pills…but some stuff is just…embarrassing and maybe even irrelevant.

    Instead I just wonder if you can depreciate boobs on your financial statements.

  134. Omg, that is soooo funny!

    I showed my husband. He deadpanned and walked away.

    ~Penelope

    PS Keith, you have some ‘splaining to do…what are you doing with those pills??

  136. Sounds like the post office employee might be interested in purchasing such a fine product…

    Not sure which is worse for someone to have, a partner who needs those pills or one who is in dire need of ones with the opposite effect.

  137. Sometimes less IS more, but there’s a limit! That’s a huge box. How many pills does it take to turn a Keith into a Jenny?

    Unless you were born as the fucking elephant man, be happy with what you have! Be nice to your body …if you break it, you don’t get a new one!

  139. Okay, this is really brilliant. Keith should make a companion “Penis Enlargement Pill” stamp for people you don’t like and then market them as a set. Sales could be huge, like James Garfield Christmas card huge.

  141. I think the standard go-to response for any stranger-questions, especially about penises, should always just be, “Well, your mom likes it.”

    (This also works on men who try to hit on you at the grocery store by peering into your cart and asking about your yogurt selections. It sounds dirty… but you really have to think about it. Which gives you enough time to escape.)

  142. Really, people should talk about penises more often than they do.

    You can totally go back to the post office. In fact, when you do, you should talk about penises again.

  143. Alright, that’s IT. I’m seriously contemplating murdering you just so I can wear you like a suit.

    Your life…the things that happen in your presence…I cannot buy them.

    I must wear you.

  147. That like writing someone a check they have to take to the bank and cash, and putting “Sexual Favors” in the note line. Bwahahahahaha…..^_^

  148. I just tried to “search” you on Facebook, you know, in case you had a lame-ass fan page (which apparently you don’t)…and when I typed in “The Bloggess”…what came up was “Thel Boggess”. Could that really be somebody’s name? Or is it really YOU but in DISGUISE as the Bizzaro-you? Hmmmm…..
    Oh, and, congratulations on not having a penis. Don’t let that stop you from going to the post office, though. That would just be silly.

  151. Pingback: Stumbling Over Chaos :: Linkity means that I can happily overindulge in exclamation points!!

  153. MOST excellent post. I, too, have a wildly amusing and highly disturbing post office story on my blog. I shall Tweet it to you in the hopes it makes you giggle.

  155. I must interrupt here to say that the demonstrators in Wisconsin are sending up an urgent prayer for the Bloggess to fly to their sides and, Glinda-like, wave her wand to make all the union-busting flying monkeys disappear….

  158. The clerk at my post office didn’t believe me, either. But that’s because he’d heard about my prostrate exam.

    (Word gets around fast when you live in a small town.)

  159. I sent Jett Superior a magazine from the 80s called Hot Dog with Fonzie on the cover and then I was inexplicably nominated for a Texas Social Media Award and Jett voted for me and said that I’d sent her a penis. This really doesn’t have anything to do with your penis reduction problem but I thought I’d mention it. I don’t think I’m going to win the award, but in fairness I think I was probably out of the running long before Jett left her penis comment.

  165. I imagine it made you feel similarly to the way I just felt when my brother came in to ask me something and saw me staring – without pants – at a large box of penis reduction pills. Yeah. I read it without pants. Keep judgin’.

  166. The box of penises I ordered from Harriet Carter has not arrived yet. I knew I should have sorung for the express shipping.

  168. I’ve noticed that mobile phones are the only items about which you will ever hear guys arguing who has the smallest.

  170. This reminds me of the time in high school when my friend told our mail English teacher that she loves penises. She didn’t mean to. It just sorta slipped out. Her words slipped out. Not his penis. Ew.

    Actually, that’s not how it happened. She (“Kim”) and my other friend (“Lisa”) were studying for an English test when Kim wrote down the side of her paper “I love penises.” The next day, after the test, Kim and Lisa were debating the correct answer to one of the questions. So Kim asks our teacher, smacking the paper down on his desk and pointing, “see, right here it says…”

    And then she sees it. I Love Penises. Cue hysterical nervous laughter.

    Our teacher: I would laugh, but I want to cry.

    Did I mention I went to a Christian school? Loving penises at a Christian school is much worse than loving penises at a regular school.

  172. Sorry you had to endure that. I should probably send my nieces, and nephews presents in those boxes. My sister in law hates me anyways.

  173. Hey all,

    Wow. I’m happy to be so many people’s hero’s, and sorry that I missed seeing this when Jenny first wrote it. To answer a couple questions:

    1. I don’t sell the stamp, I just had iPrint.com make it for me. Costs around $15 or so.

    2.The USPS is happy to accept and deliver boxes that are stamped “Penis Reduction Pills” on all six sides, since it’s not considered obscene. Whether individual mail persons are pleased is something I can’t say. I’ve shipped a couple boxes overseas, and usually they make it thru customs, but it’s a bit dicier.

    3. I shipped these to her PO box in July of 2010, so that box sat at the post office for a good six months waiting for her to come pick them up.

    -Keith

  174. It has been scientifically proven that orgasm relieves stress and tension, which only means that using sex toys during intercourse is beneficial since you are more likely to reach orgasm faster. Thus, resulting to a more relaxed and stress-free sensation.

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