Right now I have 3 weeks until my book is due and I’m freaking out and not sleeping and I’m waking Victor up at 4am to say “I’M STILL NOT ASLEEP” and then he throws a pillow at me and tells me to get out because he doesn’t understand that insomnia is slightly less awful if you at least get credit for how much you’re suffering at the moment. But since I’m too freaked to even sleep correctly I’m bringing in my first real guest poster, my friend (Lisa G.) who is the most unintentionally quotable person I’ve ever met (as evidenced by the texts & updates she sends out on her phone every day). She refuses to get on twitter or start a blog and when I told her I was going to put her in the blog she replied that she could not care less what I did with all her texts and status updates and that’s what makes her the perfect guest poster.
As way of introduction, I’ve known Lisa almost half my life and her husband (Mano – pronounced like the disease) and her son (Tigo – age 7) are awesome. Let’s get started. BTW, in real life Lisa is the smartest woman I’ve ever met but when she talks she sounds a lot like if Kenneth from 30 Rock and Brittany from Glee had a baby. She is awesome and I want her to live in my closet. Let’s start.
Texts from Lisa:
Lady working at Kroger told me everyone she knows is dead except her Pomeranian. Then she asked me to try some potato chips.
It was random and strange: the chips were barbeque.
Saw a bumper sticker today, “Deer, Beer, and Trucks: Who needs women?” And I thought, who does need women? Rednecks with stupid bumper stickers are the first people who come to mind.
I love my family, which is a good thing, because it turns out that I spend most of my time with them.
Why are they using hamsters to sell cars? I don’t find them inspiring. They should be using them to sell treadmills.
Saw a woman with a sign on her car that said, ‘Baby Inside.’ I looked in, and there wasn’t even a car seat. I’m hitting her.
I am bored with hearing about the Royal Wedding. Lohan… steal something. Sheen… do something crazy. Hurry please!
I want to go stand outside with the smokers. They look like they are having fun.
I have decided to limit my diet to whatever I feel like eating.
Impulse items at the checkout line… so close to my escape from Wal-mart, I am forced to contemplate my need for a 6 foot roll of bubble tape.
They should really put the milk right there. This is always about the time I realize I forgot it.
I do not like swimwear with jewelry on it. I am going to the pool, not to prom.
Had a wine flight, but I am still here. Slightly disappointed.
I thought a flight would take me to another dimension. My expectations may have been a little high. The wine was very nice.
I want some of those shoes that look like feet. Not because they are good shoes, but because I want to be ironic.
If you aren’t supposed to hit the cars with the ‘Baby On Board’ signs, are the rest of the cars open game?
I am going to run a fake Chick-fil-A which I will only open on Sundays.
I need to start making better excuses. Sorry I won’t be attending the PTA meeting tonight. I need to get home right away to shoot heroin.
The most elegant answer to a problem is not necessarily the most complex.
But the complex answer makes you look smarter, so you should probably go with that.
A compost fair didn’t sound that fun until I realized that it came with a free compost bin! You know… It still doesn’t sound that fun.
I think everyone hates me, but I can’t definitively prove it. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon irritating them to see if they yell at me.
Why am I here? And, more importantly, why aren’t there donuts?
Watching a Disney movie in the dentist waiting room. I should bring Tigo here more often.
At the kid dentist waiting for Tigo. Some guy is on his phone standing right in front of the movie Tangled. Dude… Some of us are trying to watch the girl with the hair!
The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.
Why do we have all of these half-baked plans of how to get to Mars? It looks really boring there and it is obvious there is no Starbucks.
Dear People with ties and clipboards coming up to my door on a Saturday morning. There is nothing in the world I could possibly want from you. Please explain your situation to the large barking and growling dog while I continue to fold laundry.
I just had an epiphany. I came in here to share it with everyone, and realized that Tigo had left the television on. Now I have no more epiphany, and a lot of uneasy questions about a sea-dwelling sponge. Why is he square? Why does he wear pants?
The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.
Everyday Tigo comes home from school with his candy in his backpack and multiple bottles of water. I think they are taking trips to some willie-wonka factory in a desert.
I am going to write a book called, ‘How to be HOT in the kitchen.’ People are going to think it is some sort of self-help erotica, but really it will be a cookbook of very spicy food.
Do you ever meet someone who is a train wreck waiting to happen? I always want to stay away from those. I go for the slower, more unfortunate distasters.
I’m not sure what deeper meaning the movie Shallow Hal was intended to convey. What I learned from it, is that if you look like Gwyneth Paltrow everything you do is cute… Even down to eating half a cake with your bare hands.
I wonder what it is like to walk around all day being evil. It might be nice.
Tigo had a friend stay over. They stayed up late watching science documentaries. I hope this kid comes back. If not, at least he is more familiar with the formation of the universe.
Why do they force crack dealers into the back alleys and then let the girl scouts stand right outside the grocery store with those thin mints? It makes no sense to me.
You know you are too cranky in the morning when you are irritated by bath product labels. Dear Shampoo Bottle: The clean you have supplied me with is NOT invigorating. Please try harder.
If I won the lottery, I would open a new jar of peanut butter every time I wanted some. I love how pristine it is before people start digging their spoons in.
And by ‘people,’ I mean me standing by the counter with a spoon in my kitchen.
Apparently, the universe will be dead in one google years. I don’t care. I won’t miss it.
I prefer my bridges burnt. It gives them a nice glow.
Remember that time you, me, and Stephanie went to Wendi’s and got those new chicken nuggets and they were disappointingly unimpressive? That was a great day.
Tigo has a lego jail set. He keeps asking me about prison life: what they eat, how they get to the cafeteria, etc. I keep using his school as a frame of reference.
I hope I don’t get an invite to the royal wedding. Dinner with dignitaries sounds really tough. I would be sure to use the wrong napkin or something.
Watching Scooby Doo with Tigo… I used to watch these when I was his age and I don’t remember Fred ever having an email account. Next thing you know, Shaggy will be running from a ghost while updating his facebook status.
I want my own business. Should I sell Mary Kay or start a meth lab?
Swimwear with jewelry is a sign of the apocalypse. I read.
The problem with most people, aged 7, 17, 27 or 77 is that they don’t appreciate witty banter.
Of course, it’s possible that they just don’t appreciate MY witty banter.
Which sucks for them. Or me.
And the brilliant thing about the Meth Lab or Mary Kay conundrum is that if you use the MK you can easily look like you’ve got an illustrious career in meth.
Winnapalooza.
I love Lisa. Screw those Chik-fil-A people! I’m with you!
Meth lab. The answer is always meth lab. Also, I love your friend. Also, I’ll gues post for you. OR finish your book. Choose one!
You are right, Lisa = Awesome!
Funny! I would like a wine flight for sure, need to get my son the lego jail set and tell Lisa the meth lab will make her a shitton more money!
Lisa G. sounds like the most wonderfully perfect friend for you – utterly random and hilarious. Does she have stuffed animals and heads in jars in her house too?
METH LAB! I think there’s more money in it and people will hate getting your party e-vites less.
Your friend is hilarious. I think you two should start a comedy team. Like those funny duos – you know, Lenin and Stalin.
Your friend? Brilliant. That is all.
best. friend. ever.
next to spam.
of course.
I think we must start a write in campaign or something. She must joint Twitter. I need more of this on the dreary days.
This woman needs to start a blog / twitter more than Nathan Fillion needs to send you that picture of himself holding twine sexily. I almost peed my pants. Not because it was THAT funny, but because there were a lot of them and I had to pee.
In response to her last comment, she needs to start a Meth Lab that uses a Chick-fil-A only open on Sundays as a front. Done! Blamo!
I need to be friends with Lisa immediately.
I love your friend. You can share her anytime.
Hurry it up with the damn book, already. 1) We’re dying to read it, and 2) we miss you.
Summabitch. I just got rid of all the Easter Candy and now I need to go on a hardcore Thin Mint binge.
I would like to start receiving texts from Lisa immediately please. The depth of her thoughts is inspiring.
Go with the Meth Lab. In Kentucky, meth is the new moonshine. Very popular. You may even wind up on an episode of Justified!
The G. obviously stands for GENIUS!!
I would definitely go to the fake Chik-fil-a on Sundays!
Well, you know … if it was near me, anyway.
I loved this. Tell me why she doesn’t have a twitter account? I think she needs a twitter account, you need to set one up for her and force her to use it.
I wish Lisa G had her own blog…she is my new idol! Lisa G FTW!
Laughing so hard. Lisa, please join Twitter. It is the perfect medium for you! We appreciate witty banter and are also disappointed by wine flights.
Your friend should be writing and selling her own bumperstickers! Tee shirts too!
OF COURSE your friends would be as freakishly awesome as you. Awesome people stick together
I need a friend to send me texts like this. Maybe I should dump my friends for funnier ones. Or next time I get a new friend I should make him or her fill out a questionnaire with one of the questions being: if I befriend you will you send me witty and/or crazy texts that will make me laugh. If yes please put an example here.
Lisa is great! I will support the campaign to get this woman on Twitter.
“I want to go stand outside with the smokers. They look like they are having fun.”
They are, Lisa. They are…
My favorite friend quote: “Dear monday morning, why can’t you be more like friday afternoons?”
These made me smile. 🙂 I had to read some of them to the hubby. Lisa G. is quite witty and her text messages are great. They remind me of some of the things I’ve been known to say when in extreme pain or on lots of pain meds.
Insomnia is evil and you are right, it is much easier to bear when your get to complain about it to others. If there was a college degree in insomnia I’m sure you have enough credits for a PhD by now. (Well, I know I do anyway…)
I never realized that every time I checkout at Walmart, it does feel like I am about to escape. Also is there really such a thing as a lego jail kit, because all little children should be scared straight. This is your brain. This is your brain on thin mints.
Where’s the petition to get Lisa on Twitter? I’m so signing it. Can’t wait to read your book.
Is she just texting these things to you? Obviously she’s a selfish bitch for not sharing with the rest of the world on Twitter. Or drunk.
This sounds like my friend Dan, who also refuses to blog (and was the inspiration for my cartoon-penis post) and refuses to Twitter, although I keep insisting that not sharing his thought processes with the rest of the world is a crime against huge manatees.
“I want to go stand outside with the smokers. They look like they are having fun.”
The smokers always have the most fun, even if you don’t smoke you should stand with them, best. gossip. ever.
I LOVE digging into a brand new jar of peanut butter. It’s better than walking through fresh snow. Because with snow you just get cold feet, but with peanut butter you get to eat peanut butter.
INSOMNIA is slightly more bearable if you get credit! I totally agree, this is brilliant. I however tend to let Lance sleep quietly, then act all cross in the AM when he wakes refreshed and smiley- until he hugs me, asks if I slept, coos appropriately and then makes me breakfast. Sure its passive aggressive, but its also huevos rancheros baby.
THAT is precisely how my blog started. 40ish of my closest friends and family used to receive random texts all the time!!!
I figured I should probably stop annoying them all and blowing up their phones for random shit, so I took all my randoms and filed them into a category on my blog called “Arbitrary Musings” … My blog has evolved a little since then and now includes “Abritrary Musings” AND “Ramblings” twice the fun! (as the name suggests, the Ramblings are just longer musings)
My friend Erin & I text like this non- stop. I was totally thinking of doing a post of our bullshit banter, and now I’m convinced!
These texty observations by your friend are fantastic. It’s kinda too bad that she remains blissfully unconnected, but on the other hand, Jen, as long as she stays that way you will have a treasure trove of material for those days when you are feeling either overwhelmed or lazy or a little hung over.
This was so much more awesome than the meds I just had to gulp down w/cold cocoa—but most things are, so not a good comparison.
Ummm, it’s made me feel better faster than the Valium drug cocktail I took & w/o the weird fake stepford wives ‘happy’ feeling too.
Thanks…I so needed something like this (going to be delusional here & pretend this is just for me, because I can lol)
~Aileene
“I just had an epiphany. I came in here to share it with everyone, and realized that Tigo had left the television on. Now I have no more epiphany, and a lot of uneasy questions about a sea-dwelling sponge. Why is he square? Why does he wear pants?”
This. This is my life.
Seriously though? You need to pull a Shit my Dad Says on your friend Lisa. Create a Twitter feed solely for the random bollocks that comes flying out of her mouth. I guarantee you, eventually you’ll be working on another book. XD
“The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.” – I so wish I’d thought of this, and the next time Boehner threatens to pull the plug on the US it will be my Facebook status. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Bwah hahahaha!
These are so funny I just peed my pants. And that’s bad cuz I’m out of Depends.
Why does a sponge live in the sea anyway, wouldn’t he like absorb all the water he could and it would make it dam near impossible for him to move about, let alone get into pants? And wouldn’t the pineappple eventually disolve into a pile of mush? Don’t even get me started about the squirrle that lives under the sae in a bubble….
Lisa is my new girl crush…second to YOU of course. I have always dreamed of being Queen of the one liners. Turns out one-liners and verbosity do not go hand in hand. Sucks for me.
Is Lisa running for political office? Wait – I just answered my own question: she can’t be because she makes too much sense to me.
And I love her because her idea of a diet is just like my seefood diet. No, it’s spelled correctly; I see food, I want it, I eat it.
Thanks for the giggles again today 🙂 your friend rocks the giggles
“A compost fair didn’t sound that fun until I realized that it came with a free compost bin! You know… It still doesn’t sound that fun.”
I think I love her.
She should at least blog on a Facebook page with her little nuggets of gold. She is hysterical!!
The chicken nugget text is my favorite.
You have got to get this woman a blog. Seriously!
Yes, she definitely needs a twitter account. She is obviously brilliant and needs to share her brilliance with the world.
And I must say, this is just another reason I need to find a new dentist. WE don’t get to watch Tangled. All I have for entertainment is a 7 year old copy of Better Homes & Garden.
Laughing so hard I am CRYING, holy shit.
I think this person and I could be great friends. Great friends, indeed.
I will partake of that Sunday-only chick-fil-a. Guaranteed.
Okay…I thought I really liked YOU, but holy hell…I think I just fell in love with your friend.
She’s hilarious.
We’re like twins.
I now hate my friends… She’s like a walking TFLN! You can only be that type of Tweeter if you have loony bin friends, check on both counts for you two.
I wish i could just seat and hear you two talking tonight, I really need the laugh, just what the doctor ordered. Oh wait maybe it was Prozac… but i bet the outcome would be the same.
If you have three wine flights you can definitely get to another dimension. But you might not like it.
Oh my god! How is she not on Twitter. I hardly follow anyone on Twitter and I would ABSOLUTELY follow Lisa! Can we start a campaign? The “Get Lisa On Twitter” campaign? We can call it GLOT for short!
Dear jenny,
Owning your own business is great! You get to bill people incredible money for doing things you are convinced is totally worth it 😉
FYI…meth labs
smell like a lunberjack’s armpitwill always provideentertainmentconversational material when you have guests.Umm…yeah…shutting up now.
-Tony
She needs a Twitter account. Or my cell phone number. Or a presidency of some sort.
I *need* this woman on Twitter!
Dear Lisa G.,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS UNHOLY WILL YOU PLEASE GET A TWITTER ACCOUNT.
Sincerely,
An Admiring Fan
Is your friend Mitch Hedberg? Does she channel him? Hilarious. It’s what the world needs.
Hilarious!!! She definitely needs a twitter!! Id follow that!!
I love the one about the shoes that look like feet, Ive had that exact thought!
This woman is MADE for Twitter. She needs to be there. I will sign a petition.
Have you shown her Favstar? Cause if she could see how much better she is than the competition….
Can you force her to blog? This is awesome!!
Also! I am so excited for your book!!!!
(and I will sign the petition for her twitter too!!)
You and Lisa being friends proves that God has a plan. Y’all were meant to be! She can guest post for you anytime you have a deadline…
Brilliant! Those train-wreck people–they are the sexiest. 🙂 🙂 Thanks for posting this.
Brilliant! Those train-wreck people–they are the sexiest. 🙂 🙂 Thanks for posting this.
She needs twitter!
Can Lisa sell ‘guest’ items in your store, too? The cards could be endless….!
Best thing I’ve read ALL DAY. Bring her back for more involuntary guest posting!
Oh my God, I want to drink with Lisa. I have a feeling her and I would get along *very* well.
Oh she is definitely priceless!
She is awesome!!! She definitely needs a Twitter account, at least.
Love these! I need more friends like Lisa.
“And more importantly, why aren’t their donuts?” I think that ALL the time. I think every place is made better by donuts. I wouldn’t even mind getting a PAP smear if I could eat a donut at the same time.
Just want to say: good luck on your sprint to finish your book! 🙂
What a busy mind. I’ve also wondered whether the ‘Baby on Board’ signs mean ‘hit that guy he doesn’t have a baby’. Some other things your girl might ponder are: How do the deer know where to cross the road? ‘ and Why do people signal left when they want to turn right?
She’s a real keeper. I’d put her safely in the closet under the stairs if I were you.
Whoa. A star is born.
LOL! Dear god, she’s a genius! Please coerce her into blogging!
What I love about her is she can keep it light and free but then throw in a ‘thinker.’
“The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.”
Deep. Very deep.
I’m hungry.
I think I love your friend, by proxy. I’m not really sure that I’m using “by proxy” right, but I’m going to roll with it.
“I think everyone hates me, but I can’t definitively prove it. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon irritating them to see if they yell at me.”
a woman after my own heart!
The smokers ALWAYS have more fun…except for the crack dealers at the end of the alley!!!
For her? I would pay for unlimited texting.
Can’t stop laughing at this ——> The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.
“The chips were barbecue”…for some reason I find that sentence ridiculously funny.
I agree with one of the above commenters that spam can be an amusing friend, too
Can I get her to text me? 😉
The world needs more friends like this.
I seriously need to know when your book is going to be published because I need to learn how to read.
OMG love it. Can I send you a donation for a cloning device? Cuz I want one of her in my closet too. And it’s only fair that you get the original, I guess.
Though the knockoff version might have weird wiring that makes for crazier quotes. Don’t think it’s likely, but still.
I have to come back and read this post. I too have insomnia. Just mine doesn’t let my brain work when I want it to, just when I try to crawl my zombie ass into bed and go to sleep. Good Day. Night. Day. Ah fack it.
I want Lisa to live in my closet! And. I want her to come to work with me too!
I want a Lisa too.
I need a crazy text-buddy for this kind of inane drivel. It’s my favorite kind of drivel altogether!
Wow! I suppose all these lines have been gathered over a relatively short period of time. I hope you make Lisa’s communications a series on your blog. She should be writing for Hollywood.
Thank you for sharing her with us!
Your friend is utterly brilliant. Thanks for sharing, you made my day!
I have a friend like your Lisa. I need her. I require her for my brain to function at a peaceful level.
She doesn’t twitter or blog either. I tell you, it’s an untapped goldmine!
…I don’t have a lot of experience with tapping things that are not kegs. I apologize for the useless metaphor.
She should definitely be on Twitter.
She’s kind of like Stephen Wright with estrogen.
Ultimately, the meth lab has the lower start-up costs because you steal everything you need to get it off the ground. AND there is already a customer base just waiting for you get it finished and if there isn’t you get to smoke it all yourself! It’s a win-win!
Meth lab, the customers come to you. I mean, have you even seen gas prices lately?
A meth lab. There’s much less competition. And with all the $$ she could just buy herself a pink Cadilllac to fool the cops.
This made me laugh. Thank you! My favorite:
“I am going to run a fake Chick-fil-A which I will only open on Sundays.”
YES! Because every time I’m in Texas, I always want to go to Chick-fil-a on Sunday and they are closed. Pisses me off.
I, too, love Lisa now. You should set up a blog for her and enable email posting. Then she can text to herself and have it auto-post to the world so we can bask in her witty banter and snappy reparte. That woman is hysterical, and wise. She would have a squillion followers.
“The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.”
This is why I quit teaching.
Make Lisa a weekly guest-post, please. I don’t have the abs to laugh this hard for this long.
All my friends are tight asses.
Hey Jenny,
Someone probably already sent you this, but just in case…
Mini documentary about Marfa:
http://tumblr.thedailywh.at/post/5085034331/mini-doc-of-the-day-etsy-tv-and-filmmaker-karen
I want your friend to send me random texts each day. I think I’d have a much more interesting day with her insights!
The shoes that look like feet are TOTALLY AMAZING. So there.
Lisa’s brilliance should not be limited to mere texts. Perhaps you can open a Twitter called Retweeting Lisa’s Texts. Once she gets a taste of fame, she will come to the dark side.
Love her, love her, bring her back!
She sounds like my friend Angie. Angism: “That’s a ruffie and a gang rape in an alley waiting to happen”
Lisa should start a Twitter, she’d be a massive hit. Then her life will be as ruined as the rest of ours.
Just so you know, the number is called a googol. A google year is something completely different. And probably much more interesting. :p
LMAO – Obviously I don’t have enough to do at work. Thank god you are here to entertain me today!