And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

in Random Crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

4,356 thoughts on “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. That is possibly the best purchase anyone has made ever. You would think Victor would be grateful Beyonce wasn’t towels – of the hot pink variety or otherwise. I feel like I NEED to go shopping with you because that chicken was A BARGAIN!! Keep up the good work.

  6. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. You really, seriously and for real, need to be my best friend. I would love to have chicken adventures with you. But, alas, we are miles away. Ah, unrequited love.

    Victor just doesn’t understand the dire need to have chickens in your life. But I do.

  8. By the time I post this there will be comments, but this is literally the firs ttime I’ve ever seen a post of yours with no comments… Also, Dude. nice chicken.

  10. OMG, I love this. Poor Victor… I can’t blame him for stressing, but OMG GIANT CHICKEN!!! I seriously think I’d have been tempted too!!

  12. Oh. My. Lord. I need a friend like you who encourages this kind of behavior. Because that is AMAZING!

  13. Oh..my…god. I just laughed so hard I cried! I want a metal chicken that is as tall as me!!

  14. I don’t know if it’s because of the insomnia or the fact I have had a migraine all day or if that was the best story ever but I laughed my ass off. I’m sending my mother this link to with a note saying “Why I am not married” because you really have to build up to that kind of amazingness and I would start it on day one. I also want to know where you that chicken cuz my birthday is next month.

  15. Sigh. New Zealanders are basically drunk insomniacs. I would SO buy a 5 foot chicken for $100. You should drag him into your room next.

  18. I’m emailing this to my husband as a warning the next time he tells me not to buy something… so fucking hilarious!

  20. and my boyfriend thought i was bad when i bought a shit ton of barbies, with which to make pervy lesbian comics with… see, i told him he was overreacting.

  21. Ok, I ran across your blog from one Ms. AngryJulie on Twitter and holy crap I’m in love with you. Actually, I’m totally sending this post to my own hubby so that when I come home with some piece of randomness (earlier this year it was pillows) I can look to him and say, at least it wasn’t a five-foot tall chicken. That should settle that battle. Love.

  22. This might be the most awesome blog entry ever. Even if there are no zombies included. Not yet.

  23. Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

  24. Was it Home Goods? This looks like a Home Goods purchase.

    (It was TOTALLY Home Goods. ~ Jenny)

  25. Aaaaaw, c’mon, Victor, everybody needs a little cock in their lives! Or a big fuckin’ chicken. Seriously? I love you. I wouldve just bought towels. A five foot cock is much more effective. *nodding appreciatively*

  27. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Giant chicken. This is the single greatest thing I have seen in at least the last half hour, and I’ve seen some weird shit tonight. This whole post is the argument for why insomnia is sometimes awesome (even if it’s mostly an asshole).

  28. I really feel like the only thing you can do is add red LED lights where the eyes are located, then wheel that thing next to the sleeping form of your husband. Then you play some loud-ass, hopefully creepily metallic and not at all realistic chicken sounds (which you’ll have to purchase, of course) to awaken him. That can be on the actual anniversary, and he’ll finally realize the value of the sharp, rusty, five foot tall, $300 chicken.

  29. Where did you acquire that metal monstrosity? I ask because my parents (well…it was Mom’s doing) have a rooster motif in their kitchen and I think a giant metal rooster that gives love AND lockjaw is what’s missing.

    Also, I am neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia so I hope it’s ok that I read this.

  30. I am silently laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to wake up the people who are actually sleeping right now. I never knew I needed a big metal chicken until now. I may love Beyonce more than James Garfield, and that’s saying a lot.

  32. You have got no idea how bad I want a huge metal chicken. Even more than I wanted the real ones I have. But, my real ones are not 5ft tall, so they’re really failures.

    Did they have ducks as well?

  34. How is it that I have never felt the urge to buy a chicken the same height as menuntil this moment? If you ask me Victor is going to end up loving it. In about a couple of months you should offer to get rid of it and watch him squirm as his pride and love for Beyonce battle out internally. It’ll be at that moment you will know you’ve won.

  35. Fantastic purchase. You just can’t pass up $200 worth of free chicken! Victor will come around. He just can’t argue that logic!

    I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Brought tears to my eyes. Although my hubby seems to think it’s because I am currently sleep deprived and have hit the silly spot where everything seems hilarious. He just doesn’t get how funny a big metal chick ringing a door bell is! Men.

  38. LMAO
    Also, how is it possible to have this many comments this fast after posting, this late at night?
    Are all your readers insomniatic drunks?
    Wait, don’t answer that.

    (For the record, I’m not currently drunk. I’m just an insomniatic pregnant lady who can’t get comfy enough to sleep in her third trimester.)

  39. I am seriously disturbed by the number of parallels between your story and my experience in grad school.

    1. Ridiculous quantity of money spent
    2. My adviser frequently threatened to cut people. In the shiv kind of way.
    3. No one appreciated the hilarity of my practical jokes.
    4. I spent entirely too much time around poultry, including chickens AND turkeys.
    5. At least one fellow student had hair like the comb on your metal chicken.
    6. Long suffering husband.

  41. I am very glad you decided to post this, because it spawned a conversation with my husband that ended with me making this statement:

    “I will NOT be sitting at home like some kind of idiot asshole while you go gallivanting around at reach-around diners.”

  42. That looks *exactly* like something I would ironically fall in love with (that my husband also wouldn’t understand) like Modern Art or WIlliam Shatner. Never change. Hey! Maybe we could all send you one new, random towel. Then you can have towel and Victor can’t get mad cuz you didn’t actually buy them. But imagine his face when he discovered your stockpile of towel. Imaginarily priceless.

  44. @#41 – Cassie
    Now see, I was just going to suggest that we all send her a dollar so that Victor could no longer be mad about the chicken because WE paid for it, not Jenny. And well, the story about the chicken is WELL worth the dollar.

    That said, I’m willing to send a dollar AND a towel.

  45. It kinda makes me sad that I am divorced and cannot put a giant, shiv wielding cock at the front door–ring the bell and run and hide while my husband answers the door. The fact that a huge metal chicken can make me regret my marital status is frightening. That is one of the most AWESOME uses of $100 not spent on towels I have ever seen!

  46. Also, I think Victor is just secretly jealous because no anniversary gift he buys you could possibly top a 5-foot chicken. Don’t hate, Victor.

    And, my mom and step-dad’s 25th anniversary is July 4th. Mom says he picked it so he wouldn’t screw up and forget their anniversary. The kids still forget it sometimes though, but I blame the distraction of fireworks.

  47. I laughed out loud in my dorm when I read this part:
    “Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyonce directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” ”

    and because our walls are paper thin my jackass neighbour kept knocking on the wall…….hahahahhahaha

  48. This is hilarious. Poor Victor, though. I can imagine he’s got so much funny going on in his life he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reminds me of my third roommate in college, who my other roommate and I accidentally made cry. I can’t remember what we had done, but it was funny and roomie #3 just wasn’t playing ball.

    So be careful and don’t make Victor cry, OK?

  50. I was at the end of a very shitty day (hubby can’t fly home tonight because of the stoopid volcano ash cloud), but this post has made my day…. quite likely my week (its only Tuesday) and possible my month.
    That is so fucking funny I have been crying tears of laughter for 10 minutes already. I had to walk away twice because I couldn’t breath in between the fits of laughter….. omfg… I am coming back here more often!!
    Thanks soooo much for the laugh <3

  52. I have to say, my sympathy’s with Victor on this one. He has had to be very understanding of these purchases. James Garfield was pushing it, I think maybe Beyoncé should go back…

  54. aawwww man this links PERFECTLY with my latest blog post! Oh and I think Victor is amazing for not strangling you. Maybe you should make some Beyonce Chicken cards to sell to negate the money spent on said metallic fowl. It worked for James Garfield did it not?

  55. I can’t stop laughing and can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard! I’m not sleeping tonight and am now glad for it! You’re are Awesome Jenny! Don’t ever forget that!

  56. Please make t-shirts and cards with pictures of that chicken and “insert cock joke here” on them…. Bet the chicken turns a profit.

  58. This post is good for people with insomnia And people who have been camping and therefore felt crap. That’s a *double* win (which is a bit like a double rainbow, only with less crying and more Charlie Brooker…)

  59. Ok so that is the funniest shit I have read in a while…needed that laugh Jenny. Omg; I want one! Definitely not chicken little…lol

  61. Crying. With. Laughter. This is seriously hysterical.

    I hope you’ll be glad to know your humour is going down brilliantly in my little part of the world, the original Hampshire. 😀

  62. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I cried!! And cried!! And the kids wanted to know why I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I let them read it………………….but they didn’t get it! Maybe when they have been married for 14+ years they will get it. Or maybe not as they are all males. I get it, and I love it. Thank you for sharing.

  63. On one hand I am really worried for you because you’re not sleeping. On the other hand you are seriously fucking funny when drunk, high or sleep deprived. So I’m conflicted here. It’s like I’m laughing at your insomnia. Or because of it. I can’t be sure. See my dilemma.

    PS. Did you find any more info on citronella and valilla essence as a scorpion repellant?

  64. I bet they were excited to see the chicken go to a loving home.

  66. bahahaha this is hilarious! And also, a really great gift idea for my mother. No joke. She would die for this. Where did you get it?

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  67. I choked on how big that cock was and so did my significant other who whimsically said why wasn’t mine as big as that.

    My manhood is at -1000 XP

  72. Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for years and I don’t remember ever laughing as hard as I did with this post. When I scrolled down to the picture of the chicken in front of the door, my coffee almost came out of my nose. Which sort of hurts.

  73. Dang, I with the fights I have with my husband were half as interesting as the ones you have with Victor. On the bright side, we’ll be having our 15th anniversary in a year and a half, so I’ll be on the look out for a large metal chicken. Hmmm. Except I’m in decluttering mode and there isn’t room in his man-cave and we don’t have a back hard (though it would look mighty fine in the front yard, except — despite the size — I’m concert the the neighborhood hooligans would wander off with it)… maybe I’ll try to find him a small, desk-sized metal chicken. It’s a good thing I have a year and a half to find it.

  74. I think I see the problem. Fifteen years is Big Metal Chickens and you got him a Big Metal Rooster. Awkward.

    You may have to take him through gender reassignment. And by him, I mean the rooster.

  75. You are so brilliant! You totally win that battle. Giant Chicken Beyonce rules…seriously you gave Victor such a practical gift.

  80. You are a genius and I love you. Thank you for the chicken-at-the-front-door photo. I have not laughed that hard since you took a picture of your parents back yard.

    Also, i think you could use Beyonce as a towel holder, if you wanted.

  83. WANT. I’d use it as a chicken decoy, to draw REAL chickens to my front yard. But only because I appreciate nature. And dinner. Because I’m capable of killing two birds with one stone, both figuratively and literally, I think.

  85. Oh my god, I wish we were BFFs and we went shopping together like every single day and bought stuff because it’d be awesome. I have a habit of buying things simply because they are hilarious. It’s why I have a ~1 ft tall colorful chicken in my kitchen.

    Also, for Christmas my mom got me a wooden box full of tea. With a cock on it. She said she spent the longest time trying to find some sort of assortment of tea without a rooster so that she would not have to deal with me announcing that I had received a cock box all day long.

    Victor should be happy that you didn’t put your mighty cock behind the couch so that anyone who sat back was in danger of being pecked in the head.

  86. This was nothing short of the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week… maybe all month. “That’s $200 worth of chicken for free!” Just when I think I should stop paying attention to you, you send me this and totally redeem yourself. Once again, glad to be following.

  87. Happy anniversary! We’re celebrating 8 years today.

    I would love to have a goddamned cock lawn ornament, but I worry that my king cobra lawn ornament would want to eat it (can you see the headlines? The snake eats the cock??) Besides, the lawn gnomes are already stressed out as it is.

    Yes, our neighbors LOVE US.

  88. It kind of looks like the good luck chickens they make in Portugal, only giant sized. If Victor tries to get rid of it, tell him he’ll have bad luck for years. Happy 15th anniversary!

  89. 15 is the giant metal chicken year?! Where am I going to find another giant metal chicken?!

    Happy Anniversary. 15 is awesome.

  90. Victor DOES know what a lucky man he is, right? Nobody else I know gets life lessons like this on such a regular basis.

  92. Wow! My 15th anniversary is next week, and I had no idea that the 15th is Big Metal Chickens! Once again, your blog is both timely and informative! My husband will be so pleased.

  93. You know, maybe he hates it not just for it’s aesthetic value an utter impracticality. No every man wants to be given a giant cock as an Anniversary gift. Subliminal messages are messing with him, telling him he doesn’t measure up… But then again, you can flip that right around and say it is in honor of 15 years of enjoying his “big chicken.” Cheers. VB

  94. Oh. My. God. It may be because I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row for the last 9 months, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in, well, forever. Thank you. And tell Victor thanks, too, for hating towles so much.

  95. OMG. Truly in hysterics over here. Like I had to wait for my breathing to get to seminormal before I attempted typing. I think the best thing for me is that in my pre-caffeinated haze, I didn’t fully take in the size of the chicken, even in the photo in the store, I thought it might have just been a chicken head. But then I got to the photo of the chicken at your door and could not control the laughter as I finally took in the spectacle of what $300 of chicken looks like.
    Happy anniversary to you and welcome to the family to Beyoncé.

  99. I love this. Still laughing very hard! Bringing home a metal chicken in lieu of towels was def not what a husband would expect. God I love this post. You are flippin’ awesome!

  101. I want you to know that I plan on quietly saying, “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” To EVERYONE I see today. Everyone.

    You just made today worth it.

  103. I can’t wait to get to 15 years so I can get a Big Metal Chicken for my anniversary! And I so LOVE that you named him Beyonce….that is fuckin awesome! You so made my migraine better this morning.

    Knock knock motherfucker

  105. I have tears streaming down my face. This is the greatest chicken story in the story of chickens. Beyonce is Legend! Love!

  106. I am lmao at you two in the store causing a commotion. It is awesome that yu have a friend equally crazy enough to see the value in this amazing piece of art.

  108. And all this time I’ve thought my $5 (on clearance–originally $20) peacock was impressive. Now I know better.

  111. Oh. My. God. That is awesome.
    Make a tshirt about this, stat.
    I will buy it.
    Because I will NOT buy a chicken like that.
    Damn stores around here aren’t carrying any.
    Assholes.

  112. Goddamn right! That is one of the best chicken purchases I have ever seen! I would spend $100 on that in the drop of a chicken beak! Think of the uses!

  113. Isn’t that a rooster?! I think this post would have been lots funnier if you said ‘cock’ more. I mean, it’s hilarious, but that would have brought Beyonce to a whole other level.

  114. Did they have any giant flamingos? I would totally drive to Texas and rent a Uhaul if the had 5 foot metal flamingos.

  115. I can see my husband buying that just so he could say to people, “Hey, wanna see my 5 foot cock?” But he’d have been just as happy with towels since we ALWAYS seem to be short on towels.

  116. Am I the only one who wants to see what kind of fucked up, sharp-ass eggs that cock would sire?

  117. I didn’t realize until just now that anniversaries are competitive events, and that, if you do them correctly, there should be a clear winner. My wife will be so happy that, after 30 years, I will finally get this right. Can you do birthdays the same way. Mine’s coming up, and I NEED one of those chickens.

  118. Put me down for sending you a towel in the mail. Maybe I’ll even do an iron-on transfer of a chicken. You know, to coordinate with Beyonce.

  119. What disgruntled employee at what failing company came up with the idea for that chicken do you think?

    That said, brava.

  120. Victor needs to get over it. I mean, it could be worse – you could have bought him 2 giant metal balls like we have near the Main Building at the University of Texas, passing as “art.” Course, the theme *is* similar — giant balls, giant cock . . . interesting.

    (And I would totally donate a dollar towards the cause to help Victor feel better about your purchase).

  121. AWESOME. I’m still astonished that a 5 foot metal decorative chicken is an item for sale in a store anywhere….I want to know who’s buying these for non-hilarious purposes.

  123. LMFOA!!! At work in open-plan office!! Not good!!

    Also, have sent link to husband for training purposes. Be thankful we have towels, young man, and no 5ft metal chickens. (Is it just me or does Beyonce remind you of the Wallace and Gromit penguin with a washing up glove on its head? Sinister.)

  125. Love it!!! I have a 3 foot chicken that is very similar. His name is Henry and he is perched on top of our fridge and looks down at us. I like to think he’s watching over us and protecting us.

  128. I can’t breathe!

    I love how you have the big rock on the chickens feet to hold him in place, so that he can’t run in the house and mix it up with James Garfield.

  129. I am totally filing this little tidbit away for when my husband won’t let me buy something I want. I just hope it’s around our anniversary.

    And I already have picked out my own chicken. But it’s a suit of armor from Garden Ridge. I might get two. One in gold and one in silver. Because I’m kind of fickle. And I think I’ll name the gold one Benoit, and the silver one Ray.

    Thanks for the shopping tip. Can’t wait to use it.

    C-

  130. I read you all the time and find you hilarious. But this takes the cake.

    Totally the best chicken story I’ve ever heard, and that includes all the reasons I’ve heard it crossed the road.

  131. I bloody adore you, woman.

    Though technically, Beyonce is a rooster. So perhaps Victor is offended that you bought him a giant metal cock for your anniversary?

    Anyway, nice cock, dude. All the single chickens, all the single chickens…..now put yer beaks up, beaks up…..

  132. Thank you, I’ve never laughed so hard, like ever, plus I’m deep in the throes of PMS-depression, but I now believe that husband-aggravating giant chickens may be the long sought after cure for that affliction…Also, Please tell Victor I’m laughing WITH him not AT him every time I visualize that damn chicken just standing there, being NOT TOWELS, and staring blankly into his window

  134. Did James Garfield teach Victor nothing? Just wait. Come Holiday season, when Beyonce joins The Bloggess League of Unlikely Saints, and starts performing miracles and shit, Victor will change his tune. Unless he *wants* children to go without food and toys?

  135. That is one fantastic cock. I don’t know how Victor managed not to totally lose his shit laughing all over the place. Completely fantastic.

  136. I seriously can’t stop laughing. I laughed so hard I woke my kids up.
    *best*

  137. What man wouldn’t appreciate a GIANT METAL CHICKEN!?

    Oh, I asked my husband. Apparently none.

    Why do we keep them around again?

  138. Return it for not being able to stand, get discounted more, and buy towels with the free money. Thrifty is sexy, so he’ll appreciate that! However could he compete with this gift?! He couldn’t.

  140. nothing says happy anniversary like big cock!

    p.s. every time i think of “knock – knock, motherfucker” i crack up. i so needed this today. xoxo

  143. Loved the Knock Knock Motherfucker, I just about died laughing at this comment…

    “Bok Bok Motherfucker”

  144. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

    I could have so used a 5′ cock on my door step this morning. Thank you for being the ward of unwanted animal bizarrities. I needed this chicken story this morning.

    -robin sans giant chicken

  145. My did almost the same thing. They were at Burlington and saw this two ducks. They had been marked down from from a lot to $12.50 each. So they bought them and they’ve lived in our backyard ever since. The employees were sad to see them go.

  146. Husband and “co-worker at home guy” came into my office to find out what was making me laugh and choke and spit Diet Dr.Pepper out of my nose, wonderful. Thanks for the yucks.

  147. I’m not going to lie.

    I kind of hope that is exactly what I get for my 15th anniversary.

    I wonder if they ship to Seattle.

  148. Jenny, I feel I should warn you about the following possibility: Leaving Beyonce in the woods outside is just asking for wasps to build nests in there. Which is fine if you never move him, but if Victor ever does decide to move him… that chicken will not only cut him, but also sting him unmercifully. Once a wasp built a nest right inside the door to my gas tank. Those Texas wasps are sneaky little things. You want to fill up your Jeep and then SURPRISE! an angry disoriented wasp flies out at you.

    On the other hand, a giant metal chicken that shoots wasps at you sounds like just the sort of thing that you might enjoy. So, enjoy!

  149. Tell me where to send the dollar and a towel. Seriously. Tell me. Because I have not laughed so hard and for so long… I will totally help pay off that purchase. And lord knows, if there’s anything I love, it’s a huge…chicken.

  150. Aww, why can’t I ever find 5-foot-tall metal chickens on clearance for 1/3rd of the price? Jealous.

    Oh, and that’s a HUGE COCK! Bwahaha I couldn’t help myself.

  153. That. Is. Awesome. Thinking about doing something like that to my fiance, just to go ahead and break him in.
    Also, awesome, awesome friend. Good friends make friends buy ugly crazy crap.

  154. No wonder he’s pissed!

    HE is supposed to be giving YOU a big cock for your anniversary. NOT the other way around.

  156. Seriously I am moving … we don’t have amazing cool shit here at all…. I want one…

    Honestly I think that Victor is an asshole, because only assholes see the world of huge metal chickens in a bad way. The only thing that would make it better is to have it on your porch and install a sensor that when people walk by it says “Only knock if you have brass ones” Or something like that in the voice of “chicken hawk” … remember him???

  157. First time blg reader here. I was only able to post after I wiped my eyes with a tissue. Freakin’ hysterical.

  160. You are my hero. I love that your sense of whimsy does not quail before a giant metal chicken. Thanks for making another happy spot on my mental landscape.

  162. That’s LMAO great! Totally worth $100. I love you have it watching him through the window. I bet he gets more work done with inspiration just a glance away.

  163. “15 Years Is Big Metal Chickens” sounds like the perfect title for the pilot episode of the Jenny and Victor show. Maybe you should start writing it. He probably will forgive you (in time) if you became a big Hollywood writer AND you could buy him a bigger house with more bathrooms, more linen closets (for the towels), and room for the lawn art* collection.

    *art is used loosely here…

  164. Brilliant! Love It. My wife & I are reaching our 10th anniversary and I quite honestly feel as if we have the same relationship as you do here! Thanks for the ideas…pick your own battles!

  165. I so understand exactly how you feel. I once bought a very soft stuffed F.R.O.G that was plushy with blue and white flowers at a Mobil Mart because the letters stood for Fully Rely On God and I was drunk and it was like 3 am and how could I not buy a God F.R.O.G that was sending me spiritual messages at a gas station. But some how when I got in the car with my new shaman my husband picked a fight with me and told me I was bad with money and I was all like “DUDE, for like 2.99 I have been saved!!!”

    He didn’t believe me. And now the F.R.O.G. sits in my underwear bin being a pervert.

  166. This post completely made my day! And the chicken standing at the front door = best photo ever! Happy Anniversary – Victor is a lucky man!

  167. I am so, so glad that if I came home with that chicken, my boyfriend would be all THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING I LOVE YOU. And if I went to the store with him and we saw one, HE would be the one going RACHAEL WE NEED THIS. And I would say: “YEAH we do.” And we’d have a chicken. Where can I get a chicken?

  168. You need to make Happy Anniversary cards from Beyonce now and sell them to help pay for her room & board. Then Victor can’t complain about how you much you spent b/c it was both an investment and you were giving a giant homeless Cock a yard to play in and a window thru which to watch Victor endlessly.

    P.S. You should totally put some blinking L.E.D. lights in the eyes then wait till night to turn them on & off to scare the crap out of Victor.

  170. OMG….frickin’ hilarious. My husband is also always bitching about towels. I’m on a mission now for a giant “chicken/cock”….lol

  172. We’ve only been married for nine years, but we’ve been together for fifteen. Does that count? Because I really, really need to get Mister W a giant metal chicken.

  175. When I have my 15th wedding anniversary in a few years, I want to go shopping with you. Seriously. I will find a way to transport you to Missouri, so that we can go shopping for something equally as awesome as a five foot rusty sharp chicken.

  176. Ohhh goodness … I’m dyin’ over here on Vancouver Island! I think the hundred bucks you spent on Beyonce was just about the best thing you could have done. I’ll be laughing over this story for days.

    😉

  177. If I had a giant metal chicken…my life would be complete. Especially if it was a freakin $300 quality chicken for the price of $100! I don’t know what’s wrong with the world if it had to go on sale! I’m honestly surprised it didn’t sell out in seconds! >.<

  179. I blogged about a giant metal chicken last week! but I didn’t buy him (or her, I admit, I am not sure) but I should have. he would look awesome in my cubicle. Giant metal chickens are the new black.

  180. I’ve just been a lurker until now.
    But seriously “Knock Knock Motherfucker.”
    You made my day.

  182. I sent this to my boyfriend. He felt the need to call and tell me “No chickens!!!” I feel like he knows me too well.

  186. This just made me laugh so hard I cried. I aspire to maybe being, one day, a vague reflection of your greatness. If only my budget would allow me a five foot tall metal chicken o_o

  188. That. Is. Fan.Fucking.Tastic.
    Also? I brought home a distant cousin in December! I got the same reaction, except mine was at the airport. he just hung his head in bewilderment.

  191. My headache & my vocal baby must be messing with my head. By the end of this it was a 15 foot chicken! Hey Victor, at least it wasn’t a 15 foot chicken standing at your door! Now I must look for the 15 foot chicken for my 15th anniversary. I’ve got 9 years to find him. Nah, I like cats. So it would have to be a 15 foot cat staring down at my husband. Ok, carry on 😀

  193. I totally would have rang the bell and hidden as well. But my husband would have probably picked it up and heaved it across the road or something, because he is easy to rattle. lol Happy Anniversary! May you have many more. I think 16 is towels, by the way.

  195. I started out grateful I don’t have to ask permission to buy towels. Now I’m wishing I had someone to aggravate with a giant rusty chicken. Come to think of it, the aldermen who voted against allowing a 4-H member to have chickens in our city might deserve a visit from mega-chicken . . .

  197. First of all, Victor needs to lose the damn attitude, you didn’t get towels, he needs to be a hell of a lot more specific YOU NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PSYCHIC, how the hell were you supposed to know he wouldn’t like a 5 foot metal chicken named Beyonce? Jezus Victor get in the game dude, it’s like you don’t even know her and shit? Be Specific ! When you were all flipping injuring your self in another country all AWOL with her passport locked up and being selfish she was there ( not physically because you fucking locked up her passport and wouldn’t tell her the town because you were huffing mexican jumping beans to deal with the pain or whatever) but mentally dude, she was there. Now this? Let me tell you something dude, if You got Jenny a 5 foot cock for you guys 15 year anniversary she would lock her self in her room and punch shit. Mostly because punching shit would hurt her hands but that’s besides the point. Right now Victor I am pretty upset with your reaction, which is bad timing on your part considering our local 60 year goofy putt putt golf place just went out of business and they have shit tons of crazy huge things for sale. You better get in line man.

  198. If you didn”t love Beyonce before, you gotta love her now. Thanx for sharing. Hilarious.

  199. I have solutions ! Move the 5 foot cock into the bathroom and hang the pink towels on it. Make Victor ONLY use pink towels hung from the beak of the big rooster. There. phew, solved. you’re welcome.

  202. Dear Jenny’s Blog,
    Jenny can’t be with you right now, but she loves you and misses you very much. She will come back to you as soon as she can, but don’t be scared or sad because we are all here to love you and take care of you until she gets back.

    XOXO,
    Aunt Erin

  203. Hi Jenny’s blog.

    Jenny asked me to drop by and tell you that she misses you. Don’t worry I’m sure she’ll come back soon.

  205. That second photo just made my day. It was even better than the broadcast email we just got from the cafeteria chef advertising today’s lunch special in all caps:

    “SANGRE DE CHRISTO NACHOS $6.00”

    Because who doesn’t want BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS?

  206. My eyes are full of tears right now, from the hysterical laughter. That photo of the chicken on the doorstep is pure platinum awesomeness.

    And the thought of a rooster named Beyonce is even more hilarious. I had no idea you could buy a gay metal rooster that will cut you.

  207. I think you have a very grand entry way to your house. Beyoncé belongs there. Not only is she an awesome conversation starter, she will scare away any and all solicitors you might get.

  209. This is all 100% true and exactly how it happened. Only the giant metal chicken was only $99, not $100. Also, Victor still owes me a better reaction. And I will collect. Oh yes I will.

  210. Your cock is colorful and beautiful! The ones I’ve seen around here (and contemplated stealing) are not painted and have the general rusty old cock look. Excellent purchase!

  211. fan-freaking-tastic! why don’t they sell those at my local discount stores? i’d buy all of them and hand them out as christmas presents! haha victor!

  212. OH MY WORD! I SO need that chicken! Thanks for the laugh. totally needed it.

  213. This is, quite possibly, the most hilarious story involving Victor yet. I am at work, and now everyone sitting around me wants to know what’s so funny that I am snorting and yelling “Chicken!”. So, congratulations – you now have like 15 new readers. You’re welcome.

  214. I can’t get past the fact that Beyonce is a cock. A rooster, not a chicken, right? She is also AWESOME! Beyonce, transgender 5 foot rooster/cock/chicken!!!!!

  215. That is such a valid argument and you have a heart of gold for getting Victor the best Anniversary gift EVER! Who can say No to Beyonce?? 🙂 And yes, he should be so glad Beyonce is not towels.

  216. Victor probably has a case of cock envy. Had you gotten a female instead of male, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

  218. The caption on that photo really needs to say “knock knock, motherclucker” instead.

    Brilliant! I love Beyonce and look forward to Beyonce’s many adventures.

  219. You could position Beyonce outside your bathroom door and she could hold towels for you. Win-win.
    The caption “knock, knock motherfucker” made me snort!
    Victor is a very lucky guy. Either that or he is highly medicated.

  222. This is why you’re awesome. You do all the stuff I’m too chicken to do.

    Also, I’m confused by the sign behind you in the store that says, “Prices are 20% to 60% less everyday.” Why would I buy anything today if I know it’s going to be 20% to 60% less tomorrow? That’s terrible store management.

  223. Did someone already say how this is a classic example of life imitating art? Or art imitating art? Because this is just like Victor is Peter Griffin and that chicken is the Giant Chicken. And anyone who says “Family Guy” isn’t art can just fuck off.

  226. I really need to stop reading these at work! I’m so gonna get fired for laughing by myself and disturbing the others.

  227. I died laughing when I read, “This chicken will cut you.” Bwahahahahaahah! You need a tin sign that reads the sentiment. I love it. I’m totally wanting one.

    Towels would have so cost you $50, so the money is a wash. Enjoy your cock!

  229. DAMN! I need a Chicken like that! But can I steal the name O’Shannesy for my chicken? I totally have to go to Ross or those other discount places and find a chicken like this. My neighbors would HATE it and it would be awesome and win my neighborhood.

  230. Holy mother, this made my cry, it was that hysterical. I would have unoriginally named him Kellogg, but I’m glad you saw his booty shaking abilities. When he fell in the store you should have demanded a discount because he was dented. Just like the old ladies with cans who always get in line in front of me.

  232. Best fuckin’ post evah~Just forwarded it to my OWN husband….as a warning.

  234. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

    I don’t know why that made me giggle so, but it did.

    I imagine a giant metal chicken at your door is a small step down from a decapitated horse head in your bed. Happy Anniversary!

  235. Mr. Snarky should consider himself lucky that I mostly shop online, for clothes and shoes. Until I order five-foot-tall stripper heels, this is win-win for him and he doesn’t even know it!

    P.S. That second pic is so full of win that I can’t STAND it. Honestly I think you should just keep it at the front door like that.

  236. There is nothing I don’t love about Home Goods, nothing. And nothing I don’t love about your stories. And I’m in the midst of a deep fucking depression and haven’t left the house in days, but I tried to sound borderline suicidal on the phone with my psychiatrist’s office so they are letting me come in before July 15, which is when he actually has an appointment open, and when I get to his office and peek around the corner to let him know I’m there: ” Knock-knock, motherfucker….”

    He has a good sense of humor.

    Thanks for a moment of cheer!

  237. Awesome! It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just bought him a bottle of vodka and made him a card photoshopping his face onto ‘Neo’ from the Matrix (long story… don’t ask). I hope he doesn’t see this post or he’ll want to know how come he didn’t get a 5ft metal chicken. If only it was solar powered and lit up after dark then that would be like the best present ever.
    Hugs
    DHW x

  239. I am so excited to know that chickens are the 15th anniversary gift. And not some lame-ass towels. The chicken fund saving has begun – three full years until my own 5 foot Beyonce. Cluckin’ A!

  240. i can totally identify with a guy named Beyonce – except the other way round. No, not a beyonce named Guy! You know what I mean.

    And when I start doing standup again (real soon so get your tickets now!), I’m going to do at least one “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” joke. I swear I am.

  241. You know, I was thinking about the James Garfield postcard project to raise money to subsidize the cost of James Garfield and I think the Knock Knock Motherfucker picture would make for an excellent line of anniversary greeting cards.

  242. the picture of Beyonce at the front door is now my new wallpaper on my computer. awesome.

  243. Just think of all the things you can do to this chicken such as hang plastic neon eggs from it at Easter and wrap it in lights at Christmas.

  244. Awesome anniversary gift, Jenny! What a DEAL….. Sorry Victor doesn’t appreciate Beyonce. Give him time….

  247. So I just spent two whole minutes trying to figure out where the bottom half of your body was in the pic of you hugging the giant cock, er, chicken. Because I need glasses, apparently. Or I’m not bright. Either one, really.

    Moral of the story: if I get fired for viewing inappropriate stuff on the internets at work, it’s totally Victor’s fault.

  249. This was beautiful. I have the checkmate I need to win all arguments with my husband now. Thank you. Perspective. I have it.

  251. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    TO FIND ITS HOT PINK, MOTHER-FUCKING BEACH TOWELS.

    I think you should drape one of the towels around Beyonce. Then leave the she-cock in the bathroom when Victor is in the shower.

  252. EVERYTHING about this post is why I now have a wet spot on my office chair.

    Plus you owe me a pair of new jeans.

    But I would TOTALLY take Beyonce in trade.

  253. I, for one, would like some greeting cards with that giant metal chicken at the front door photo on them, and blank inside. Many sentiments can be expressed via that photo: You say I never come visit, but you should be careful what you wish for; Surprise! we’re having a baby (chicken)!; Remember that money you owe me? I’d like it back; Congratulations on your new pet – oh it’s not a chicken? how banal; Congratulations on the new baby – I’d heard the stork had been replaced but this outsourcing trend is out of control; etc.
    Victor, as usual, is possessed of an appalling lack of imagination, but then couples are supposed to be complementary, so maybe he just needs to appreciate how much money Beyonce will bring in. Please let me know when I can buy my greeting/note cards.

  254. I just laughed so hard I woke up my 3 week-old newborn and now she’s screaming bloody murder but you know what? WORTH IT.

    Freaking awesome.

  255. omg…omg…I can’t even…ohh lord…

    we just happen to need new towels. My husband disagrees. I wish I had your balls.

  256. I’ve been following you for a while now, and have never left a comment. I have tweeted at you, and you followed me back so I felt like a celebrity for a few minutes one night. BUT I have to say, this is one of my favorite posts EVER, if not THEEE TOP FAVORITE. I’m not sure yet. But I can’t think of another I’ve enjoyed so much. The only thing that would make it better is if I had been there in person. But that would have involved ALOT of stalking and hunting you down and what not, and I’m just too lazy for all that shit. So that’s why I felt compelled to comment. Keep up the good work, and Happy Anniversary!

  257. Oh, my god, Jenny… I apologize to Victor, but I can’t stop laughing. Now I want a 5-foot metal chicken, dammit! Xander could use a little surprise to come home to.

    Like, “Honey, you know how you always have a raging cock for me? …I feel bad that I never have one for you…Fixed!”

  258. Oh my gosh. I love you so much. I can not stop laughing. You totally made my day. I want to be your neighbor, and your best friend – no both. Will you be my neighbor?

    XOXO,
    ld

  259. This is friggin hilarious. Thank you for this. I want a Beyonce’ too!

  260. I don’t think I will take suggestions for an anniversary present from you, but I will say I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!

    And now I want that chicken! They have them ALL over Texas (I so don’t get it) but that is the biggest one I have seen and I want it!

  261. I need one of these!! No, seriously.

    While it would completely annoy my husband I just think it would add so much to my back porch which is a bunch of gypsy cowgirl junk <3

  262. Oh… I forgot, where can I buy one!?!?!? I saw you are near Houston so DFW isn’t too far.

    (They have a 6 foot one at Home Goods in San Antonio ~ Jenny)

  263. This was the last post that I read last night. And the first post that I’m commenting on today. It is so memorable. I had to post it on all of my social networking sites, to share the love. Thank you Jenny for making a crappy week so much better. I wish I was in Texas to experience to the joy of shopping with you and Laura. Oh the fun we could have….

  264. I haven’t laughed this hard since you introduced us to James Garfield. I desperately need a giant rooster now…

  265. OK, let me get this straight.
    Victor wanted you wet and dirty (or at least not dried and clean) so you went off and bought a huge metal cock?
    AND it can sing! (Beyonce, duh)

    You never display Victor on the lawn, that’s why he’s mad, he feels rejected. But really he should be all “I’m such a man my wife had to get a 5′ one to make me feel small”.

  266. Um, I mean, has Victor READ your blog or even been paying attention the past fifteen years? “Don’t buy towels” is like a CHALLENGE to come home with something FAR MORE ridiculous to display your condescending amusement at his restrictions. BAM FIVE FOOT METAL CHICKEN, how do towels look NOW?!

  268. And now that the demand for 5 foot metal chickens is inevitably going to skyrocket due to this post, he is probably worth more than you paid for him. SO it was like an investment.

  269. I bought a giant chicken at Pecan Street last fall and had to walk back to our booth with it. I couldn’t see shit and walking slowly as to avoid a cocktastrophe. Still a drunk asshole slammed right into me and down I went onto 6th street with a giant chicken right on top of me. I bet it’s on YouTube somewhere.

  272. Oh geez. That was friggin hilarious. I love the chicken and I absolutely love that you’d be brave enough to drop that sucker off at someone’s house to cheer them up or show them things could be worse. Although that might be easier if it were not 5 feet and weighing in at, say, a decent amount of pounds? Love it.

  273. And to think that I got rid of my big, metal chicken just before my 15th anniversary! Oh, that parting was NOT sweet sorrow 😀

  274. I fucking love Beyonce and I don’t live that far from you so there might be a Beyonce in my future. Because, hello? Clearance!

    Two weekends ago we were in Marble Falls and I found three giant metal chickens except they were MARIACHI chickens and they were $600. Walking away from them was one of the hardest moments of my life.

  275. Thank-you for a great laugh, and a lesson on the “Passive-Aggressive Argument” technique…

    I’m thinking Victor may have learned a lesson here?

  277. 15 years is big metal chicken! this makes me want to watch super troopers and bow to your brilliance. This might be my favorite bloggess story ever.

  281. What a great way to make some extra scratch (pun intended). You can post flyers advertising a private in house Beyonce concert and sell tickets. Download songs sung by chickens (they exist) and when people get there you can play the chicken music. I would totally go!

  282. Victor is surprisingly hard to rattle because he has a wildebeest head on his wall and some other weird animals and his father-in-law is a taxidermist. Just sayin’

  284. Yeah, you BOUGHT a giant metal chicken, but whose badass idea was it to MAKE the giant metal chicken(s)?

    (Spoiler: Not mine. But someone out there is pretty badass.)

  285. This is the kind of behavior that tells me you have a failing marriage or at least are headed for one. If your husband was being unreasonable, then you communicate and let it go, putting the ball in his court. You should have given him time to think about it, even if that meant a few weeks of going without your towels. Instead, you went behind his back, commiserated with another friend about him (a betrayal of trust in the marriage) and wasted money anyway on something that, while harmless in and of itself, amounted to a “fuck you” to your husband. If I were you, I would consider some marriage counseling, focusing on healthy communication and problem resolution and compromise.

  289. Has no one else wondered how one gets a 5 foot chicken home to begin with?

    I feel like at some point your response to Victor should have been: “Well, CLUCK YOU, Motherclucker!”

  290. My sister sent this to me knowing full well my 9th anniversary is tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to give that to my husband!

    Wonderful!

  292. I can’t even stop laughing long enough here to leave a decent comment.

    I want that picture for a poster in my kitchen.

    How do I do that???

  294. I very rarely crack up by myself in front of my computer… But this did it. Totally. HI-larious! I’ve shared with my husband and told him to watch his battle-pickin’ or we’ll end up with a giant chicken, too. 😛

  296. Your actions were childish, cowardly and wasteful. All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you, how fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore? Oh yeh, go buy a damn chicken made of scrap metal and put it in his face to purposely piss him off. What the fuck? I really wonder how you’d react if he treated you in the same manner, but hey at least he’s a big fucking joke to you.

    PS – I see you only approve positive comments supporting your website and actions because I’d be a bit damn surprised if you actually allowed what i have to say to you on this.

  298. This has inspired me to name the next chicken we add to our flock “Beyonce.”.
    I am dying with laughter now. I read this to my coworker, and she’s all “that is SO Jenesque!” which is how she describes anything that sounds like me. I laughed when I saw your name was Jen too, because hey, it’s now doubly Jenesque!

  299. I’m pretty sure that someone, somewhere would be willing to sponsor Beyonce for a trip to BlogHer. Just sayin’

  300. omg i’m crying reading this. it sounds just like life at my house – just with a 5′ tall teddy bear instead of a metal chicken. thanks for the giggles!

  302. This is HILARIOUS. I was having a bad day and then I came across this post and my day suddenly got so much better. I needed this laughter and whimsy.

  304. All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies
    Now put your hands up

    Up in the club, we just broke up
    I’m doing my own little thing
    You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
    Cause another brother noticed me
    I’m up on him, he up on me
    don’t pay him any attention
    Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
    Ya can’t be mad at me

    Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it
    Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it

    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok
    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok

  306. This was SO funny! I just came across your blog and I am laughing so hard at this post. I’m at work right now and a cleaner is in my classroom and I must look like an idiot because I’m shaking from trying not to laugh out loud while she’s in here! I need a giant chicken on-hand just so I can pull it out when necessary!

  307. I just texted my honey “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” .. he responded with “are you high?” .. little does he know I’m just warning him! I need a giant cock in my life. (And yes, you can read an insult into that.)

  308. You need to move him into the bedroom so that victor wakes up to the giant chicken staring him in the eyes. Awesome.

  310. Wow. Just. Wow. It makes my chicken with the reflector in its stomach that I got in New Mexico at an awesome truck stop look downright…PUNY. Plus Beyonce has a pink neck. I’m not gonna show this post to my chicken with the reflector in its stomach. It’ll give him a complex. He doesn’t have a pink neck.

  311. Wow, Victor…way to be Captain Funsucker. And, to Charlie Red…..Dude…seriously??!!

  314. I’m trying to imagine what my ex would have thought if I’d brought that much cock home. Sort of makes me wanna get married again! Also, from now on maybe Victor should only be allowed to use the hot pick beach towels? 😀 Nice work!

  315. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I’m laughing SO HARD I’m crying!! Marriages need more humor like yours!! Hope your hubby can see the joke soon!!

  316. Wow what the hell is wrong with Charlie Red? I never understand the impulse to work up the vitrol to attach a blogger about a persona story. If you don’t like the story- go the faulk away. No one here wants to ready your comment- assmunch.

  317. Seriously, if you ever want to get rid of Beyonce, I will gladly take her. I collect them and the largest one I have is a 3 1/2 foot wooden cock I got on the beaches of Jamaica. I named him Shakespeare. In my house, only the really big ones get names.

  321. Dying over here I am laughing so hard. I just celebrated my sweet 16 with mr. k. I get it. There is a lot to it.
    I need that chicken. Or to have you for a neighbor so I can pay it some visits now and then.
    *** (200 dollars worth of free chicken?? cracking up!) ****

  322. Well the question to ask yourself now is do you want to spend your future with your chicken or your husband. Because every day he looks at it, it will fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

    Where do you plan to go from here?

  323. That’s true, because my first marriage ended by “festering chicken”.

    Where do I plan to go from here? Honestly? I’m kind of hoping that Charlie Red from comment 296 is single. Because that man sounds like a joy to be with, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s totally into me.

  325. I think Charlie Red is also jealous of the 5′ cock, though I am hoping that Jenny is coming up with a funny comment to put below his because come on, Nathan/Victor and Blank/Mom were almost as funny as “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”

    GO JENNY! SUCK IT, HATERS!

  327. Total Win. I do feel for Victor, but after 15 years he really ought to know what this ride is all about. Just absolutely love this!

  329. that is flippin’ hilarious. i looooooove the chicken, but i have to say i feel a little sorry for poor victor. however… i’m all about gettin’ $200 of chicken for FREEEEEEEEEEEEE… keep it, honey. ;o)

  331. Hey everyone Charlie Red’s name is linked to his site. You can’t comment on his posts (of course not) BUT…we can email him!

    You’ve got mail, mother fucker. BOO-YAH!!

  332. Crap, my tenth anniversary is coming up in August. What the hell do I do now? A three foot papier mache pig? Bloggess, you make the anniversary gift giving standards wayyyyyy to high.

  333. Oh hell. I just snorted when I read the caption underneath the picture of the chicken at the front door.

  334. Ok! Love the story! I want a chicken like that! Where did you get it?

  335. this was friggin hilarious!!!!! I love how your mind works!!! lol……….

  336. “All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you.” Now *that* cracked me up, Charlie.

  338. This sounds like conversations I’ve had with friends while shopping, usually involving platform heels and feather boas. The chicken is by far more awesome.

  339. If Victor doesn’t come around I think you should put the chicken in your bed – Godfather style (only don’t really kill the chicken, this is just for pretend).

  343. That chicken has Homegoods purchase written all over it. I have a paper mache giraffe that would go perfectly with it.

  344. This is awesome. Last Sunday, I went to the farmer’s market and forgot that my guy told me not to buy any more tomato plants and I bought a dozen tomato plants. I still have them in my car. Now, I can show him this post and then bring in the tomato plants and tell him “at least it’s not a five-foot-tall metal chicken.” Laura was right. Perspective is everything.

  345. This is absolutely hilarious!! How did I not know about your blog before this day…I cannot tell you the last time I laughed this hard and boy did I really need that today

  346. My neighbor and I love these sorts of adventures. We would like to know you and Laura and buy you both a drink! And the chicken is AWESOME!

  347. Ha. Maybe you will get some towels for your birthday?;) If not, I vote for Beyonce find a friend around Christmas time to sit out there in the yard with him! 😉

  348. OMG! This is the best blog post I have ever ever read in my life!!! #1 – I wish Beyonce was on my doorstep…. #2 You made my day!

  351. Oh my goodness I just laughed so hard I cried. Clearly you are full of win!

  354. And besides? Now the chicken is an officially tax-deductible chicken. I can’t wait to see that line on your tax return. Beyoncé – Metal Chicken – $100.

  357. Is Charlie Red being ironic? He must be. Hipsters only live their lives ironically.

    This post is now 100 % more awesome thanks to that dude.

  358. I have been giggling for ten solid minutes. This is awesome! Knock-knock, motherfucker.
    This cock has so many hilarious possibilities!

  360. This is easily the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a blog post. And just as I was lamenting having to laugh by myself, my friend came online and was all, “OMG HAVE YOU SEEN BEYONCE? THE CHICKEN BEYONCE?” It was awesome.

    Also awesome–how many people think this chicken is going to end your marriage. I’ve noticed that everyone who thinks this also seems to be sexist. Who would have thought “offended by giant chickens” and “sexist” went hand in hand.

  361. Beyonce would make such a great playground toy. Except for the sharp edges.
    Slight correction: Beyonce would make such a great playground toy for obnoxious children.

    Also, I sincerely hope you have plans to leave Beyonce right next to Victor while he’s sleeping, then play a crowing rooster track at high volume to wake him up. Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to a mildly creepy 5 foot tall possibly psychopathic chicken?

  362. Oh MY GOD!!! This is the best story EVER. You are amazing. Thank you so much for buying the chicken. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. Thank you and thank you!

  365. This post just keeps on giving. Thanks to you, Jenny, I now have a proper response to people who want to know why I divorced my ex-husband. Festering chicken.

    And I also think you have a real chance with Charlie Red. *fingers crossed!!!*

  366. This is too epic for words. I catch so much shit because I came to my present marriage with a serious collection of VERY NICE chickens that decorate my kitchen, AND WAITED FOR 10 YEARS to be unboxed in a kitchen bigger than a cabin cruiser galley. Well played. I could only hope to get such an epic opportunity for revenge.

  368. This story had me crying over my computer! I loved every minute of it! @Queenofspain on twitter was talking about it with her hubby @aaronvest (I can only imagine how that conversation was going)

    This was hilarious and I swear I would keep that 5 foot chicken and I would move it around every week!

    Yes Sister, pick your battles…but this wasn’t a fight, this was making an extreme point. Sometimes that’s just how you gotta roll.

  370. Man, I totally want to start a band and name it FESTERING CHICKEN in honor of comment #322.

  371. Jesus. Christ. A Chicken.
    It will be hard to top that next anniversary.

  373. I think this should start a new trend in chicken jokes.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

  375. Fucking fabulous. And now you have a new fan. Simply because, after seeing the chicken at the door, I almost peed just a little.

  376. I think your blog went offline for a while because I sent the link to thousands of people who really, really need a laugh. Sorry about that. Not really.

  377. wow…that there was about 10 minutes waste of Time I shall never see again, I know the ONLY relief I got out of it was this little bit of whimsy words I just had to share…tsk-tsk…some people just really should NEVER live above their means…seriously?!? some of that “wasted” $$$ really could’ve gone to better use to any of our local charities, really…

  378. I’ve been married for 19 years this year, and I never know what to get him. THIS WOULD BE THE BEST GIFT EVER.

  381. My husband is in love with you now. He and I both want a giant chicken in our yard because of you. You are awesome. And tell victor that towels require constant washing and drying, giant chicken does not. And the chicken can cut strangers. That baby is totally paying for itself.

  382. Ok…. So after reading this, I honestly think the chicken paid for itself and then some just by the reaction and what happened in the store… I laughed and laughed and am still laughing by it all. I needed that greatly so thank you for sharing… I love it…

  386. O.M.G….I am in TEARS laughing so hard over this post….holy crap! Thanks for the good laugh…..

  390. I, officially, can no longer read your blog at work.

    This is a serious place, and to my surprise, they find my cubicle giggles and attempts to conceal my mirth a bit distracting.

    This reminds me of that old parable, a cock at the door is better than one in the bushes. I might have that wrong.

  391. You sound like how my sister and I act in a store with a giant chicken. We did something similar but with a giant can of sausage gravy from the dollar store. My parents were not thrilled with the 5 year joke of giving each other the can as a present for holidays. Well I think my mom saw the humor.

  393. Nathan, (285), Blank (287) and Charlie Red are bitter, bitter asshats.
    I personally think they have a case of chicken envy.
    They wish their “cocks” were as big…..

    hee, hee.

  397. This is why divorces happen. This isn’t funny at all! Its hundred of dollars wasted because she couldn’t control her spending. Our economy is in the dumps because of people like her. Next time do something positive with all this money you’re freely wasting like donate to a charity, horrible person.

  398. I don’t know about you, but I added a HomeGoods shopping clause to my wedding vows. I AM obeying my husband by purchasing two red rollerskate statues – both left feet.

    This clause also permits me to not leave Target without spending less than $300.

  400. This is the best thing I’ve read all week! Towels aren’t half as good; they can’t cut you like a 5′ chicken can! 🙂

  401. I just did a chiLcken spit-take. Not a cock one. That would be dirty.
    Beyonce is beautimous.

    ~looking wistfully out my office window, for a chiLcken

  402. Iit appears that #285… aka…some little Mr. Cranky Troll woke up on the wrong side of the marriage bed this morning!

  404. You named a chicken Beyonce? That is truly great. I will tell you that the only thing better than buying a giant thing you can’t really carry is buying a giant thing that your boyfriend/husband/whatever doesn’t really want and then ends up carrying for you all the way back to your cruise ship where it takes up half of your tiny cabin for a week. Not that that happened to me or anything… (And now that giant Mexican planter is filled with weeds.)

  408. OMG. I’m still laughing with tears running down my face. My husband loathes my visits to Home Goods . . . . but now I’m just saying at least I didn’t bring home a giant chicken.

  411. Okay I know I’ve already commented on this post but reading the Nathan/Blank etc comments made me laugh alone. Reading your responses to them pretty much made me fall in love with you. You are simply the most awesome person in the world.

    If you’re free I have a few haters I would LOVE for you to batter with your humour words. Let me know.

  413. Wow, some posters are so serious. They must be in need of a big cock named Beyonce.

  415. I’m sorry, but I actually agree with what a few detractors have said, just not to the degree of misogyny they have taken it into. Victor was probably wrong with the tone he set when you left, but your reaction was also pretty juvenile. I doubt you would even contest that statement.

    I actually think the chicken is pretty hilarious looking. His reaction to seeing the big dumb thing on the doorstep would probably have been great.

    But I think you have to get rid of the chicken. You and Laura had a great laugh, but I think you ought to return/resell the thing. Someone above implied that it will just serve as a reminder of negative feelings every time Victor looks at it. I don’t claim to know how either of you actually feel, but I get the impression that he doesn’t see the humor in a big, sharp, rusty chicken.

    And, in the end, you both should get to the root problem. Either, Victor didn’t like your choice of towels and is excluded from the decision (however small) or he felt that buying more would be a waste of money. If the former, it’s as simple as letting him make a couple small decisions (or even set a couple parameters, like a preference on dark blues and greens vs. hot pink). If it’s the latter, dumping $100 on a rust bucket chicken, however hilarious, is really going to be a big problem for him.

    If you have that much money to throw away on a goof and an amusing blog post, then I’d hope you would make a matching contribution to a charity of your choice, perhaps http://www.stjude.org/ (St. Jude Children’s Hospital) or http://ww5.komen.org/ (Susan G. Komen, Breast Cancer research).

    Anyway, good luck on handling the fallout with Victor, figuring out what the @#$% to do with Beyonce, and the blog.

    From Jenny: You were actually very polite in your critique so I’ll give you an actual answer. Victor enjoys my sense of humor even when he wants to strangle me, and vice-versa. We have very similar personalities so that means I don’t actually call the police when he threatens to stab me for buying towels, or when he tries to convince me that I’m going to be attacked by night squirrels, or when he rigs all the faucets to spray directly at me. He actually thought this post was funny and spent most of the day on the phone with my host company trying to get it back online when the server went down. He did, however, mention that he really doesn’t like Beyonce in front of his window so we agreed to move it to my window together. The chicken was $99 and it’s awesome and makes great yard art and was a small price to pay for making so many people laugh. This is actually my job, so technically Beyonce is probably tax deductable and counts as work supplies. Regarding charity work, I’m not sure why every silly expenditure has to be linked with a justification of charity. When a normal person tells her coworkers that she decided to take her family on vacation she doesn’t usually get hit with a “Well, I hope you spend an equal amount on charity”. But, as you are probably new here I will share that I actually do a great deal of charity work here on this blog, and on a twitter account dedicated solely to helping others (@thegoodbloggess). My last silly expenditure (which Victor also was initially not pleased with) was a giant boar head. It too was almost $100, but that same boar head eventually inspired a charity drive 6 months ago (organized right here by my amazing readers) which lead to over $42k in gift cards being raised to help parents who were unable to buy Christmas presents for their children during the recession. You can read about it on the Washington Post. Or on The Huffington Post, where I was awarded “The Greatest Person of The Day” award. (It was a slow week, obviously.) I’m not saying all of this to defend myself, because almost everyone here already knows all of this. I’m just pointing it out to anyone new here. Ridiculous chickens and silly laughter are worthwhile and are nothing I would ever apologize for. My goal in life is to make people laugh. It’s my job and it’s how I support my family. In turn, they support what I write and if they have a problem with something, I don’t post it. I could have added all this to the post but I didn’t. Because this stuff isn’t funny. It’s just life. Which is not usually funny. Unless it includes giant metal chickens. Now, back to random silliness…)

  417. sure it was immature. sure it was crap communication. but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. and hell, it was funny as FUCK and i say any husband who can’t learn to laugh at that doesn’t deserve a wife. all you men scolding jenny for this can go fuck each other. like a train, one ass fucking another ass fucking another ass fucking another. one long, ass-fuckin’ train of sexist chicken-haters.

  421. Comments 285-288 are pure perfection. On your part Jenny!

    And #296 Too hot for words. Oh wait, I’m not actually supposed to be able to see your comment.

    And who knew giant metal chickens were so controversial. It’s probably because the chicken is transgendered or festering or something.

  423. I don’t mean to be a stickler for anatomical correctness, but right there you have a giant rooster, cockerel or indeed, cock.

    It seems even more appropriate.

  425. Actually, my neighbor has two enormous plastic chicken heads in his yard ! I think they are over 5 feet tall, too! Not sure why they are there or where they came from (a restaurant? a holiday parade float?) but they have been there for months! And we are not in Texas!

  427. I was laughing to myself in my car thinking about the picture of the giant rooster at the door and it’s caption. “Knock-knock, motherfucker!”

  428. This so beats my sitting in silence fuming at Ty when he asked me why I was throwing attitude to look at him, petulantly, and say, “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Next time I’m going to purchase something that gets my point across in a more succinct way. Like a Giant Chicken. I aspire to be as awesomely able to communicate as you my dear interweb friend.

  434. I considered not commenting, because I would just be reiterating just how friggin hilarious this was. I literally guffawed! Perhaps now Victor will think twice about fighting with you about something so benign as bath towels!

  435. I think of these kinds of things often, and then chicken out. You make my dreams come true in this regard. It is every bit as fantastic as I imagine. maybe next time I’ll follow through, because ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Way to go, Jenny!

  437. OMG – that was the funniest thing I have read in a loooong time! Thanks for making my day!

  438. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. The tears…they burn… *giggle*
    I feel for Victor, poor sap. I wouldn’t be able to keep it up like you did. I am full of admiration of you. He is sooo doomed. Hopefully he comes around so he can appreciate your twistedness again.

    If Nathan, Blank, and Charlie weren’t being ironic (as the only even remotely non-I LOVE YOU comments it makes me wonder) then I sad about the lives they live. Imagine thinking that women should obey what men tell them to do. LOL. That is a path paved with 5′ metal chickens.

    I would love to see the world through your eyes. Just thinking “knock knock motherfucker” sends me into giggles again. Thank you!

  439. I’ve never read your blog before and totally stumbled on it from someones facebook post. I NEVER, EVER laugh out loud while in a room by myself. I can tell you, it’s not a good time to start that practice while you’re at work…with an office full of people. And when the owner came in and I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face….probably saying “knock-knock motherfucker” when she asked me what the hell was wrong with me could have gone in a bad direction. Thankfully, she read your blog post too and laughed with me. Thank you so much for helping me laugh out loud and indirectly managing to keep me employed. 🙂

  440. I wish you were my WIFE and not in a lesbian way, unless you insisted, I FREAKING LOVE YOU and wish I had that 5 foot CHICKEN!

  442. I love it!
    My mother always told me to pick my battles, but she was never very specific as to how to go about them, this is a perfect example. 🙂 I will never look at towels, or roosters, the same again.

  443. To commentor #414 and Jenny:

    This is the best example of Internet debate I have ever seen. Thank you both for taking a moment to put aside whatever knee jerk reaction you may have had and actually communicate what you think in a way that is not hateful, and for actually listening to what others say. I have been in some online communities made up of people who claim they are “social justice defenders” or “defenders of the marginalized” who treat everyone who disagrees with them as STUPID and EVIL and I hate it.

    You are why I keep coming back to the Internet. Thanks.

  444. I can’t decide if 414 is joking or being serious…either way, bravo Wordy! That was bloody hilarious!

  445. Seriously, the most awesome thing EVER! You need to start a service where you charge people to put the giant, metal cock on their door step to surprise their housemates.

  446. I may or may not have rescued a 4 foot tall black jaguar hand-painted piggy bank from the garbage room in my apartment building a few years ago. I also may or may not have placed it in the living room I shared with my often cranky roomate. Long story short, she hated Carlos (and I’m pretty sure I saw him shooting her a dirty look more than once), and he often sat on the chair next to me at the dining room table, I dressed him up for birthday parties, and he made the trip home for Christmas and I insisted he have the front seat and I took the back.

    It never got old. And then one day she had company over and I relented and let her move him to the porch in the middle of a windstorm.

    RIP, Carlos.

  447. You had me at “This chicken has a shiv.” Say hello to your newest stalker.

    🙂

  448. This post is fantastic! My husband laughed so hard at it that he startled our cat. Although if my tiny yard ends up with a giant, metal, chicken, it will be because of you.

    Though I pity anybody who thinks a giant metal chicken could cause a divorce. The strongest marrages I’ve seen always have a good bit of play and a sense of humor on both sides. So by that rule, your marrage may last forever.

  450. God, I love you. My grandma just passed away this weekend and i really needed the laugh!!

    Ps: That chicken is FUCKING AWSOME!!! I wish i had a chicken that was taller than me.

    pps: everybody could use a 5 ft cock once in a while.

  451. Sorry So Wordy = shouldn’t she be in a 3rd world country where she has no access to internet or clean water for that matter, helping someone herself instead of trying to read a hilarious blog! I am always curious when people make suggestions with MY money especially when they don’t do the research to find out where I already donate! I want send her a Bible, John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he looked up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the first stone at her.” Also a 12 foot COCK, chicken whatever . . . just had to be said!

  452. “Ridiculous Chicken” shall be my stripper name for the day. Of course, I will add an extra “L” and donate my twenties to charity.

  453. Haha! I just read it again, and guffawed again! It’s the line about a really drunk lady being the only person who bought one. Haha, it takes me back to a time my sister and I would shop at our favorite pottery place. They’re no longer in business, but damn we found some great and weird stuff there (stuff only drunk ladies would buy!)

    I’m definitely subscribing to your blog!

  455. I guarantee you will be divorced within 5 years.

    Neither of you gives two shits about the other.

    A sense of humor is wonderful. Using it as a tool to mock your partner? Well, it might be funny, but it sure don’t make a healthy marriage.

  456. Jenny, I’ve got to wonder if Red/ Blank/Crazies coming out of the woodwork all have the same IP address. Or if they are targeted spam to “Keep down the bitches. They be gettin uppity ideas” The comments are remarkably similar!

  457. I tried to write Charlie Red a love letter on his blog, but he’s turned the comments on his blog off…which is funny cause he’s accused you of filtering yours… silly Charlie!

  458. OMG. Woman, I love you! You an the commenters have me in stitches!

    It was also wonderful to read your response to the polite detractor (#414). I’m glad to know Victor has a sense of humor like yours. I may have asked this before, but does Victor have a single brother? One who likes crazy blonds?

    I wish I lived nearby so you could cheer me up by leaving a giant metal cock* on my doorstep. (does not necessarily have to look like a chicken)

  460. What’s baffling to me is that I linked to this post on my fb and some of the most conservative (and closed minded) people I know read it and found it HILARIOUS. So who does that leave to post hateful comments? The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

  462. My wife came back from a trip with a 750 pound concrete life-size deer that took 6 men and a hernia to move to our back yard. Every once in a while one of the dogs notices it nestled amongst the yews and growls at it. I would have loved the metal chicken, especially after he rang the doorbell. But this never would have happened in our house – I’m the one always being told “don’t buy any more towels.” Seriously, help me out here – some of them are threadbare, holey and shredding because they were wedding gifts from 32 years ago. We NEED new towels! Even hot pink ones.

  463. This is the first time I have read your blog and I am bookmarking it.. and am joining in the group who really, REALLY wants one of those chickens.

  466. You my dear are the most awesome thing on the internet. My son just said, “Mom must be reading The Bloggess ’cause she’s laughing so hard she’s snorting.” Please do not ever change.

  467. A friend shared this with me and I have never laughed so hard!! Way to go! Btw….I love the chicken! 😉

  468. You know, I probably should have been more tollerant with my Ex. She wasn’t so bad after all. Could have been a lot worse.

  469. I have laughed so much at this tonight, thank you! My hubby (having already read this when I showed him) could hear me muttering under my breath ‘When can I get hold of this…’ (Meaning some pen nibs) and shouted “YOU ARE NOT HAVING A 5FT METAL BLOODY CHICKEN!” He’s just so mean!

  470. Wow. I wish I had read this at the beginning of the day so my entire day would have been awesome.

  471. hahahahahahahahahahahahah I can’t…stop laaaauuuuggghhhiinggg!!! The next time I start to have a “debate” I will think Beyonce!!! Thank you so much for the laugh!

  472. Okay, seriously. If I had a cock that looked like that, I’d be seeking serious medical attention, and a write up in two medical journals, and maybe even an above the fold mention on msn.com!

  473. I feel so left out. No one is ever offended over my giant cock enough to complain on my blog about it. And I so wanted complete strangers with absolutely no grasp of context to pick meaningless fights with me about blocking comments when all of their comments are blocked. Dammit, Janet.

    Am I the only one thinking that hot pink towels embossed with giant cocks and “Knock knock, mother fucker” would be an amazing compromise?

  474. I found this to be petty, immature, and inane. Obviously there is a sense of entitlement going on if you value your stuff more than you value your relationship with the people around you. Maybe I don’t know you well enough, but through the whole story I found myself siding with the husband. It was not funny. It was wastefully and pointless. Grow up.

  475. I used to be married to someone like Victor and thought things like the chicken were hilarious. Now I’m with someone much nicer. We have lots of towels, no 5-foot-tall chickens, and I don’t miss it a bit.

  476. I have been having a crappy, fight with medical facilities kind of day and you made me laugh for the first time. Thank you.

  479. I feel so empowered by this post.

    You see, a couple of weeks ago I desired STRONGLY to buy a huge penis pinata and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

    And I imagined we’d have grand adventures around town, me and him at the drive-in, the two of us sharing a sundae, maybe checking in to the No-Tel Motel (yes, we really have one of those in Tucson, SAY WHAT?).

    And my husband said, you don’t need to spend $50 on a penis pinata when we have diapers to buy.

    But you know what? Fuck him, I’m gonna do it. And have a 3 foot penis pinata ring our doorbell.

    Cuz that’s how I roll. Thank you, Jenny, for empowering my penis pinata purchase.

    And #414… Bless your heart. (Gently pats your head, then patronizingly rubs your cheek). You’re adorable.

  480. Fabulous business idea, I have moms lining up to work for my new “Chicken Delivery Service.” I think we need to buy a flock of these chickens and deliver them all over Oahu!! We have a truck, my tetanus shot is current, and I have a decent pair of running shoes that will be put to great use running from the doorbell chime.

    If the giant metal chickens run short, we can hire someone to catch live, wild chickens and deliver them in boxes of say – 40?

    And by the way, my husband laughed and agreed that this is something I would easily do. That is why I am nominating you for the “Marriage blog of the year award.” Classic.

  481. still coming back to a) reread the blog; b) crack myself up reading “knock knock motherfucker” over and over again; c) to see what hill billy joe bob comment is coming next!

  482. Thank you for this story. And I definitely think you need to sell some cards with the “Knock knock, motherfuckers” picture in your store for people to put up on their doors. Though I’d also offer the caption “No solicitors, please.” Also possibly a “This Chicken Will Cut You” t-shirt. I’d take bets that they’d pay for Beyonce themselves, and possibly also some towels.

    On the subject of transgendered chickens, I submit for your consideration the University of Delaware mascot, YouDee, the Fightin’ Blue Hen. My understanding was that a hen was a female chicken, but YouDee is clearly male-identified, and is referred to using male pronouns. http://www.udel.edu/youdee/index.html

    Finally, it’s clear to me that those who take issue with this situation have clear ideas about traditional gender roles, especially with respect to the earning and spending of money. Admittedly, the ability to purchase a $100 big metal chicken as an anniversary gift without consulting one’s spouse is a luxury not affordable to many Americans in the current economic climate, but since we live in an aspirational society where everyone at least *wishes* she or he could spend a discretionary $100 on a big metal chicken, I say even the impoverished should salute you, because laughter is good for the soul, and free.

  483. Karen posted: The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

    I have to answer, it isn’t about being open or closed minded, it is about where you are in your particular point in life. People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere. If you are like me where we are struggling, living on a budget so tight that sometimes there is not enough for food, and have had to give up luxuries such as new towels than you can see where fighting over finances or spending $100 in order to make your husband mad does not sound funny. I am sure that in 10 years we will find this funny, but now, it just seems wasteful.

  484. This post empowers me.

    You see, a few weeks ago I really really wanted to purchase a 3 foot tall pink penis pinata…

    …and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

    I imagined us going around town together… sitting head to (ahem) head watching a movie, sharing a sundae, maybe slipping into the No-Tel Motel together (yes Tucson actually has one of those, SAY WHAT?)

    And my husband said, you don’t need a penis pinata… NO ONE needs a penis pinata. I said, how do you know that unless we get one? It might become indispensable.

    Thanks to this post, I say FUCK ‘EM. I’m getting Chauncey. And we’ll be blissfully happy together.

    To #414: Bless your lil’ heart ((Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.

    Someone issue her some Judy Garland trail mix.

  485. Other commenters want a giant metal rooster but I *need* a giant metal rooster. I do. Out here on My Side Of The Mountain, NC people put life sized Jesus statues in their front yards and dress them in robes & capes. Purple capes, black robes, haven’t seen a Superman cape yet. Check it out: http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/6td4t/

    I need a big ass metal rooster to put in my front yard and dress in a Superman cape so I can keep up with my hillbilly Joneses neighbors. Can you picture a big old metal rooster getting his Jesus Cape on in my front yard?
    http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/gkxf7/

    Also, does anybody else find themselves trying really hard to click Like for 92.8% of these comments? Anybody?

  486. Wait!!!! I accidentally hit ‘Done’ and I wasn’t!
    Third – comedy is her job, therefore giant chickens are a business expense (Seriously? I need a jOb like that). And Jenny also uses her powers for good and organized one o the most amaIng charity events I have ever witnessed or participated in.
    She IS better than Morher Theresa; she didn’t seem to have any sense of humor….
    Rock on, Jenny, rock on.

  487. Ahhhh…lighten up baby, I am in love with you! So damn funny; the men’s comments…they dont have a clue about the time you two acted like you had a meth lab one morn while at the convenience store in your pajamas!! That was too damn funny as well! Love, love, love it!

  490. My Anniversary is in august how the fuck am i supposed to top that? lololololol I’m buying frick n towels!!!!
    sighhhhhh!!!!!! Sounds like we are married to the same man !!!!

  493. This blog post made me laugh harder than I have in a really long time. That picture was friggin’ priceless. Thanks for making my day with this one 🙂

  494. So now Beyonce should, naturally, be a place to hang the beach towels.

  495. Is it wrong that I read comment #363 as that she was tired of buying her husband *whales*? I thought she was trying to outdo you like, “Oh, you think giant anniversary cocks are cool? Well, I’ve bought my husband anniversary *whales*!”

    Damn, I’d buy giant cocks and whales if I had the money! You rock, girl!

  496. The only thing that could possibly rival this ….. is the purchase of a 5 ft tall egg.
    And then, once and for all, we could answer the question of which came first. Obviously it was the chicken.

  497. Thank you for this. Who knew a picture of a giant metal chicken named Beyonce standing menacingly at your front door was exactly what I needed to see? I showed this to my husband as a warning… Then again, I *have* brought home a hat that looks like a panda bear. (Panda’s name is Mortimer. Let’s face it, he’s no Beyonce.)

  498. So I read this to my hubby because I so could have done it and he laughter until he cried which he hasn’t done in forever..we own our own construction company…..so the post was like charity and therapy rolled up together. You ROCK!!!

  501. You have the best husband. Your husband has the best wife. 🙂

    I want to be you when I grow up, except I want my own Victor. And chicken.

  502. I simply MUST know where you procured this enormous fowl!!! Please, Bloggess, I beg you – the name of the Giant Chicken Emporium…..there are long-running ( I’m talkin’ years here) chicken jokes at my office – I would be the biggest hero if I showed up with this!!!

  503. Having a crap day at work and you suceeded in making me snort into my coffee – Thank you. If Victor will pitch in the cash you can ship it to OZ and Beyonce can live with me in the Crab Shack by the beach, it would be like his retirement. I promise to send Victor picture of Beyonces new life. xx Grumpy Fat Crab

  504. I cannot thank you enough for this post and the joy that it has brought to my day. I flipped the link to my BFF this morning with the (totally serious) tagline “If this is marriage, I am IN”. As a result of the ensuing IM conversation she is compelled to buy a tiny chicken and put it somewhere prominent in her house. She will not disclose the meaning of the chicken to her husband (who just won’t get it) but it will be an unending source of amusement for her and I. Thanks for letting us share this. Also, I may need to make the “Knock-knock motherfucker” photo my screensaver.

  505. TEARS from laughing so hard. My husband is coming over to see why I’m laughing out loud. That is so great.

  507. Not only does it scare your ordinary garden snakes, I’ll be willing to bet you’ll never see a basilisk, either.

  510. Must be nice to be a stupid asshole with hundreds of dollars of someone else’s money.

  511. Oh my god!!!! This is so funny and reminds me of my husband. Today is our 20th and I’m really pissed that I didn’t get him a giant chicken!

  512. i know my comment is just one out of OVER 500… but this was too funny not to say something.

    i absolutely adore this post. i laughed so hard i cried. and then i shared it with my own husband, so maybe he can learn the perspective thing without actually having to go through it himself….

  513. This is the most hilarious piece I have ever read…. thank you Jenny for writing and sharing this post…
    “Knock knock motherf***ker…”
    you are awesome.

  515. This is absolutely delightful. It had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

    15 years is supposed to be watches for an anniversary gift, you should try and find a watch with a chicken on it. His head might actually explode if you do, thought.

  516. When you rang the door and ran, leaving the chicken, AND had a photo, I snorted coffee out of my nose. OMG, good stuff. Happy metal chicken anniversary!!!

    Jules

  517. I tell my boyfriend almost every day that reading your blog is looking into the future of our relationship. (I have anxiety issues, and Boyfriend’s copes and loves me anyway. Although to be fair, I don’t have anxiety wigs, I just change my hair color every time I feel like giving up and hiding behind the faux logs in my non-functional gas-free gas fireplace with my bottle of Xanax.)

    Anyway, he took my laptop when I couldn’t stop laughing after 5 minutes of re-reading this and, after reading Victor’s reaction to the epic doorbell ditching, I think he’s finally beginning to understand.

    Thank you for providing us with literary time travel.

  518. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

    Your didn’t get your way when you wanted something, so you acted out of spite and spent a pantload of his money just to get revenge on him? What kind of childish retard ARE you?

    You’re the reason thousands of women every year are beaten to death by their husbands.

  519. That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I need that. My husband would be ecstatic. I’m sure of it. 😉

  520. When I got to the picture of Beyoncé at your front door, I completely lost it. Priceless. I’m disappointed Victor didn’t have a more amusing reaction.

  521. I am more in love with you right now than I thought possible.

    I am dying every time I scroll back up to see that chicken at the front door. Brilliant.

    Thank you for being you.

  522. I can’t believe how this made me laugh. My husband the whole time looking at me like I have finally gone round the bend so to speak. If I weren’t terrified of chickens I would so go out and buy one. I will definitely be on the look out for a 5 ft animal of some variety though.

    Thank you I almost wet my pants laughing at this.

  523. He should totally count his blessings. You COULD have come home with several gallons of Pepto-Bismol pink paint to redecorate the bathroom, since you now need it to coordinate with pink beach towels.

  525. This was truly hilarious, as per usual. I love how you owned the humorless visitors. I also think that may have been the real Bob Costas (454) as he said “it sure don’t make a healthy marriage”. That type of grammar kills me.

  527. This seriously may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read, plus I can totally picture my bff and I having this same day. Wonderful! Thanks for sharing with us all.

  528. By the time I was finished reading this, I had tears streaming down my face as I laughed hysterically. This, in turn, caused my husband, my son and my dog to come rushing into the office to find out if I was okay. Thank you so much for sharing this hilarious and yet, poignant story about how we, as women, can get around just about any directive our husbands give to us. I’m off to find my own “chicken” for an upcoming anniversary…:)

  529. Oh my God, I think you killed me. I laughed so hard that I fell of the couch and hit my head. My brain is probably swelling right now and I will be dead in a couple of hours, but it was totally worth it. If I don’t die I will be laughing for weeks whenever I see something even remotely chicken-related.

    I love you (and Victor) so much, but I think I might love Beyonce more.

    And who linked this post to the self-help forum of people with sticks up their asses? Or is it the same humor-challenged person posting all over again? Dude, whoever you are, go somewhere else. I’d tell you to go read up on Victor before you get your panties in a bunch, but I don’t think you’re *really* worried about Jenny’s marriage.

  530. Hubby sometimes gets annoyed with my blogging and blog-reading (he just doesn’t get it, as much as he tries, the poor dear), but I showed him this post and he thought it was GENIUS. The picture is hilarious, and now he’s quoting “knock knock motherfucker” every few minutes.

    AND THEN I showed him the negative comments (and your perfect responses) and he got his back up and all defensive of you! So cute.

    Just thought you might like to know that even people who aren’t necessarily as in love with you as I am agree with your logic on this one. It’s a hilarious post and it made hundreds of people very happy. Including the two of us. Bravo!

    xo

  531. Props to you Jenny! I’m betting that any man you’d marry, HAS to have an awesome sense of humor. When you two are old and gray, you’ll look back on rusted out Beyonce and laugh. I think Victor may not want to admit that he thinks it’s pretty hilarious too.

  533. just absolutely perfect. my husband was yelling, ‘you better explain what your laughing about, or stop laughing so loud!’

  534. Two words. YOU ROCK!

    That has to be the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. First time visitor to your blog, brought by a link on Facebook. And at this very moment, I too would be more than willing to send $1 and a towel.

    With a cock on it, of course!

  537. Thanks so much for making my day! I sent this to my husband with a note about how lucky he is – he laughed like hell. And reading the comments here reminded me how lucky *I* am – I’m soooo glad I’m not married to one of these humorless men.

  539. My husband is still using towels we got for our wedding in 1981. I have moved on to new ones, but not he. Guys must have a thing about towels.

    On the main drag in Kerrville, I saw a place that sells the 3-D giant Texas stars that can pose in your front yard. You need one to match the chicken.

    What, are you in a subdivision with rules against putting chickens in the front yard? You could decorate it for every holiday. I used to have a neighbor with a cement goose on her doorstep that had a new costume for every occasion. More creative family fun embodied in a metal chicken.

    I am linking to this post on Facebook because I simply can’t keep it to myself.

  540. Bloggess (Jenny) Please don’t let any of the self proclaimed therapists standing on thier rickety soapboxes ruin the genius behind your posts(s), Your humor makes the day for thousands and thousands of readers. I know, I am one of them. We are all here to follow you and your random silliness by choice. If there is a negative opinion regarding your antics, then those who are so free with thier meanness should follow there own therapeutic advice and wash thier own windows before they peer into yours. I love what you post. And I love how you unselfishly share the humor, connections and relationships of your personal life with us. You are brilliant, and fun and an individual and I shudder to think that the uninvited mean spiritedness would bring you anything but a tongue in cheek reason to keep us all laughing all the more. : )

  541. I love it. I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face and my husband is looking at me like I am crazy. I could so see me doing this. Hell I probably have. 🙂

  542. My friend just shared this link on Facebook with me and now I’m hooked to your blog. All because of Beyonce. You are awesome! Happy Anniversary!

  546. I just read this out loud to my husband… twice because I was laughing so hard he couldn’t understand me the first time. Totally awesome.

  547. You women are all f’ing crazy but we men somehow still love you! Bitches!

  548. Geez Jenny, how dare you waste your husband’s moneyy… blah blah blah Obviously some don’t realize that women are allowed to work and earn their own these days. I’ve reread this several times today. Keep brightening the world one blog entry at a time! You’re awesome again!

  549. jack Shiite #516–I really tried not to respond to this, but I have to. The reason that women get beaten to death by their husbands is because they are married to men who can’t control their anger. Nothing a woman ever does EARNS being beaten–much less to death. Please, please go to some anger management classes.

  550. And his reaction is exactly why I’m single. Happily raising my daughter and there is no one to tell me how I can or can’t spend MY money. It’s mine, I make it, so I spend it. :p

  551. Nathan, blank, all the obviously oblivious hate trolls are the same person. Semantic and syntactic analysis are concise methods for determining authorship. This is a deeply disturbed personality that seethes with hatred at your universal approval and popularity as he/she sits sipping at a glass of room temperature vinegar and water.

  552. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. EVER. And here I thought there would never be a way I would actually love Beyonce!

  555. This is hilarious, but I have to admit, if money was remotely tight I wouldn’t spend a hundred bucks on a giant metal chicken….given that it’d probably end up at a thrift store for way less money eventually.

    <3

  556. THANK YOU for this!!! Christmas… Beyonce needs lights and his own tree!!!

    congrats on 15 years of wedded bliss 🙂 Too bad Victor can’t take a joke.

    No one is home right now, but I literally sat on my couch reading this with tears in my eyes! Thank you for making my day, month and year!!!

  557. I know I’m, like, the 870bajillionth person to comment, but ohmahholyhell, this made me howl & snort & cackle & other bodily functions that I shall not mention.

  558. Did you know that your 16th anniversary is, in fact, towels with giant chickens printed on them? It is incredibly convenient, really.

  560. You. Are. Hilarious. And you need to come visit San Antonio. My friends and I would welcome you with open wings.

  562. OMG…pure genius once again. I have to say, I was reading this while sitting on the couch and the hubz is trying to watch The Voice. I cracked up laughing…almost to tears…and got a look like I have 3 horns sticking out of my head. I didn’t even try to explain. He doesn’t understand to awesomeness that is James Garfield, so clearly he would not begin to understand something like a 5 ft metal chicken named Beyonce. I think Victor secretly loves Beyonce and is just pissed he didn’t spot her first. Of course he loves the new view from his only window. We need a pic of said view!

    Jen

  563. I hope you also gave him the best BJ of his life, because I don’t know how he puts up with you otherwise.

  564. Ok, totally cannot stop laughing now!!! I’m gonna be giggling for the next week… and every time I see a chicken in the near future! AWESOME! YOU ROCK!

  565. Dear Jenny,

    I would just like to congratulate you on the 16th anniversary of my efforts on trying to comment today. If you need to beat of HostGator, I know some people 😉

    …and of course I am thanking you for these awesome words, to which I was woken up by this fine morning 😉

    “Knock Knock Motherfucker!”

    Love at ya!

    Tony

  566. Laughed so hard – and that was before I saw the photos of Beyonce, the 5 ft chicken – hilarious! Victor is a very lucky man!

  567. 1. best. revenge. ever.
    2. I think I have just found the in-laws’ Christmas gift
    3. I am totally forwarding this to my husband as a warning

  571. I don’t think I have ever laughed so damn hard in my life. Every single step of that story is so FUNNY!! I have read it 10 times today!

  574. You just made my day. Thanks Victor for being Victor. Thanks Laura for taking you shopping and knowing you well enough to know you needed a 5 ft chicken. And, thank YOU for blogging the best laugh of my day!

  576. I’ve been laughing on and off for the last 20 minutes. First from the post… and now because of the sad deluded men who really seem to think they know everything about someone based off a blog post. Yikes guys, I think you need to realize that women are entitled to free thought. And yes, spending money on a giant metal chicken now and then. If it had actually been a big deal, odds are, it wouldn’t still be in the yard.

    Also: Giant Metal Chicken for 15 years? WAY better than crystal or watches.

  577. Nice… two years ago my girlfriend made this “amazing” find at a yard sale – a basket of glass rods. The woman selling them was an amateur glass-blower, and these were the practice pieces or excess or some other unwanted by-product of her hobby. I was on the other end of the driveway, inspecting something completely useful and practical, like a pile of 1983 Star Wars comics, so I didn’t hear what she told my girlfriend, but next thing I know I’m $10 poorer and schlepping this 30lb basket of glass rods to the car. “When i organize the study, I can decorate it with the glass,” she assured me. I tried to point out that she knew nothing about decorating with glass, this just was the leftovers from *real* glass decorations, and the study was never going to be organized if she kept moving in this crap she found at yard sales. No luck. Twenty four months later, the study is still a mess, and we have 30lbs of glass rods still sitting on the floor. Well, beats a metal chicken.

  579. Seriously, this is a horrible thing to post for a middle aged woman who’s had seven children….. laughed so hard I peed my pants.

  581. I think Victor should simmer down and invite the chicken in for a vegan dinner. Maybe beyonce could hold the camera on its beak for intimate nights. its win win.

  582. I found this link to your blog on a friend’s FB page and had to read it. The crazy thing is my husband has wanted a giant metal chicken for our yard. NO KIDDING! I have been the anti-Beyonce here. Now I’m rethinking my opposition. Maybe if I agree to it, I’ll just get towels! BaaaHaaaa!

  586. I should like to see a Beyonce-cam so that we can watch your chicken in situ. I would check in on that sh*t daily, yo. DAILY.

    Also, I shall be on a hunt this weekend for either some rusted-ass oil drums or a ready-made chicken. I have some spray paint at home. TEXT ME WITH CHICKEN INFO!

  587. A friend sent me the link to your blog this evening. OMG!! It’s 3am and every time I look at that bird at your front door I crack up. I have to stop looking now so I don’t wake the whole house up. I think it was an EXCELLENT purchase and a thoughtful anniversary gift. I’ll bet you can do some great holiday decorating with Beyonce too. I’m thinking a witch hat & cape, dress her up like Santa, you know how folks dress those dumb geese up. This is the gift that can keep on giving!!! What a hoot!

  588. If my lady ever did this to me, I’d just have more proof I had found the right woman to share my life with. She tolerates my insanity, I hers and somehow this crazy thing between us has been working for 15 years now as well. We are just nutty enough for each other and it sounds like you and Victor are the same. When I stopped laughing and started reading comments, I had to say something from a man’s perspective… so here it is! Keep on keeping on!

    As an amusing aside, I ended up here via link when I shared a gift my lovely crazy lady sent to me at my work with a friend. Big metal chickens really must be the new millenium’s 15th anniversary gift!

  591. That was such a great laugh. I am new to your blog and have been working my way backwards as well as forwards because I enjoy your sense of humor so much. I think this is my second favourite post – the first one being where you had Victor take photos of you with hamburgers before you went to Japan. You are a terrific writer with a wonderful sense of comic timing. Thanks for sharing.

  592. this is why young people need counseling before getting married and having kids, and the reason we have a 50% divorce rate. She sounds like an immature spendthrift who is used to getting her own way and her husband is in a tight spot with her. He’s in trouble if he leaves or stays.

  593. I read this aloud to my husband just before he left on his annual mens’ camping trip to the High Sierras. He laughed his head off. However, I think there’s a really good chance he won’t retell the story to the guys. I’m totally loving this!!

  594. My Tuesday Morning (where I met Eustice) has some smaller versions of those that totally BOUNCED when you touched them. It was SO hard not to buy them up so I could have a flock of bouncing chickens in my patio garden. My husband shook his head when I told him how lucky you were to find Beyonce! I am totally jealous! Can everyone send Eustice $1 so he can have one too?!

  595. This was exactly what I needed to read this morning! I think I woke my son up with all my laughing though…but it’s so worth it LOL

  596. OMG if I woke up to that chicken in my doorway it would SO make my day. totally worth the money, plus, that should teach Victor to stay out your business

  597. Could you have had a family of chickens, all different sizes? Will Beyonce be multiplying sometime around the holidays?

  598. When the store manager mentioned “This chicken will cut you,” all I could think was that the chicken needed to be named Bon Qui Qui.

  600. Brilliant! Reminds me of the rather obscure mid-1990s cartoon DuckMan. There was Duckman’s nemesis called King Chicken…Mwuhahaha…. bawk bawk…. (voiced by Tim Curry). Thank you. (from London, UK)

  601. Would it be possible to aggregate all of these responses by pro- and con- and gender?
    As far as I can tell, it seems to fall out as roughly:
    500 female pro-
    0 female con0
    75 male con-
    0 male pro-

  602. Omg! This is the funniest story ever. I was literally sitting here LOLing til I cried. Hilarious. And I totally think you need to go back and buy Beyonce a friend — the only thing better than one 5′ tall chicken, is two. Ahahaha

  605. No wonder he’s pissed.

    One small argument and you go out and blow 100 bucks on the biggest cock you can find.

    (Apologies if this joke has already been done, I couldn’t be bothered going through 600 odd comments.)

  607. My 15th anniversary is next March – now that I have read this with my husband, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up with a metal chicken of some description as a gift. Thank you for the laugh, it is a great story told really well

  609. Not only did Victor get the gift of Beyonce for your anniversary, he got the reminder that being married to you in unlike being married to anyone else. A giant, shart-edged, metal, clearance-priced reminder.

  610. I must have a metal chicken in my life!! Is it the year of the rooster??? I will have to check…
    This? Is awesome!

  612. I just read this to my husband and we both almost wet ourselves laughing. (Of course he totally understood where Victor was coming from with the whole ‘office abuse’ scene, whereas I was with you in front of the tv/hiding). This is going viral on Facebook Down Under. Just so you know.
    ?
    BB

  614. I saw this post on a friend’s facebook page… now I’m a fan.

    Absolutely terrific.

    Poor Victor… chicken at the window.

    Lucky Victor… to have such a fascinating lady around! 🙂

    Great blog.

  618. Funniest caption under the chicken at the door ever. Sounds like a day out of my own former life

  620. Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you so much for making me spew diet Mountain Dew all over my computer screen. Well, at least he’ll never tell you not to buy *towels* again!

  621. Ok, so it could be the bottle of wine I have drunk but Im sitting here pmsl! I dont get why Victor is so peeved about Beyonce! Beyonce will stop theives breaking into “his only” office window and stealing something important

  622. Can I hire you? I just had the exact same argument with my husband about dishes and our anniversary is in September. AND there is only one window in my husbands home office. Brilliant. And hilarious.

  623. I absoultely LOVE this!!! I really should keep up with the proper gifts for the occassion because I missed a perfect opportunity to get a giant chicken…DAMN IT ALL!! What would have made this better is if you would have put a new towel around Beyonce’s neck to help wick away the sweat on hot days!

  624. OMG….I am crying and trying to laugh as silently as I can in my cubicle….HILARIOUS. I LOVE Beyonce

  626. This is whizzing around FB faster than a headless one, Jenny.
    I want your life (well, just the good bits).

  627. You should have draped the pink towels around the chicken as if he were either returning from the beach, or looking for someone to join him.

  628. I got this link on my way to work and seriously started laughing so hard in my car I couldn’t drive. knock knock is what did me in. I am sure the commuters at the stop light behind me didn’t appreciate it when I couldn’t go on green but it was so worth the horns honking for such a good morning laugh.

  631. You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at at similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

    Great blog!

  632. You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at a similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

    Great blog!

  634. Yesterday, June 21, was our 8th anniversary. It’s too bad I didn’t buy my husband a giant chicken named Beyoncé!

  635. OMG. I think I love you. That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I am sitting in the kitchen laughing out loud while my teenage son sleeps down the hall. I hope I woke him to the thought that his mom might be a little crazy. It’s good to keep them on their toes. I want a big metal chicken, now. Have a great day, because this made mine!

  637. “To #414: Bless your lil’ heart (Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.”

    I absolutely am new here. I tried to make very few presumptions about either Jenny or Victor because I got here via a random Twitter link that got retweeted around to my feed.

    @Jenny

    I appreciate the response. The charity thing was probably uncalled for, and I am overjoyed to hear how active you are in your own charity work. Thank you, also, for the background about how you and Victor are much more on each other’s wavelength than a first-time reader would understandably glean from this post. Given those facts: Long live Beyonce, the sharp, rusty chicken.

    P.S. “Knock knock, mother fucker” and “The chicken has a shiv” were highlights of the post. Excellent comedic writing.

  638. This is hysterically funny! Even funnier because I’m a Gamecock fan, and I want one of those metal chickens!

  639. LOL! I am totally showing this to my husband as a lesson. “Let me buy what I want or you may end up with giant chickens!”

  640. That is HILLARIOUS!!!! Thank you so much for the great laugh.
    I hope Victor knows that you won!!
    🙂

  641. The next gift – towels with chickens embroidered on! It would almost be funnier if he was the one to give them to you ;D

    I wonder if there is a way to put a speaker inside the chicken and play songs like the Chicken Dance, the Bird is the Word and the theme that Family Guys plays when the huge chicken fights some character!!!

  642. THAT was the most wonderful thing I have read in a long time. Laughed till it hurt! Thank you for buying Beyonce’ and blogging about it.

  643. This chicken is the paragon of useless crap, and thus might make my husband cry. I need one to keep in storage for just the right moment. Thank you for the laugh!

  644. Wonder how long ’til we’ll see a story about a Houston-area writer who got pummeled to death by a giant metal chicken.

  646. Not funny. Your “marriage”, such as it is, is already on the rocks and you don’t even realize it. That’s too bad. If you were a grownup you’d realize the situation.

  647. It’s good to know I’m not the only one to enjoy having a less than conventional relationship. The 5 foot chicken was *genius* I tell you! I’m trying to find a life sized statue of a Yorkshire Terrier to give my partner for Christmas. To match the real Yorkie we have, Gizmo. Makes perfect sense yes? Yes?!

  648. Jenny, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks! I’m going to print this for my mom who doesn’t have the internet.

    Nathan, you’re making big assumptions. Maybe Victor and Jenny work out their fights with jokes like this. Maybe they have such a strong marriage that Jenny knew he’d get a kick out of Beyonce eventually or he’d get the message this way easier than a long, drawn out discussion about towels. Anyone who thinks that their spouse is going to honor “trust” and not “betray” them in a marital argument over not letting someone buy towels or something else equally trivial is being silly and has no sense of humor. Maybe Victor realizes that he has a jewel in Jenny and he wouldn’t trade her for the world, because who else is gonna ring the doorbell with a giant metal chicken and then tell him the 15 year anniversary is for huge metal chickens? That’s gold.

    Jenny, great come-backs. Now I have to go read the rest of your blog. This is my first visit thanks to my great friends on Facebook who were cracking up over it. xo

  649. My husband and I also have fights (well, intense discussions) about towels, but ours are about the proper (half/half/thirds, also known as “my way”) way to fold a towel, versus the improper (half/half/half/wad into the linen closet, also known as “his way”). Our towel-issue has been going on for the entirety of our 20 year marriage, although he officially “won” a few years back.
    We were “discussing” the topic, while folding laundry together, and he stopped and looked at me for a long moment. When I looked up, he said “You know… some day, I’ll be gone. And your towels will never be folded anything but your way, from then on.”
    Now, when I stumble across one done “his way”, I may curse, and I certainly do re-fold it, but I also think of it as a reminder that I’m blessed to have his presence in my life for all these years.

  650. I don’t know about you, but the giant comb on the chicken’s head just screams ‘great place to hang hot pink beach towels.’

  651. Seriously. I want to be friends with you so we can go shopping and hang out together.

  656. You saved money!!! A set of good towels would have cost more than the chicken, and I doubt the towels would even have made you giggle.

  657. where did the chicken come from!?!?! i want one!! and i want to name it Beyonce Jr (or Jay-Z)

  658. I cannot believe how many people from every subset of friends and relations I have, have (justifiably) reported this. Not only has it appearred again and again in my FB and twitter feeds but it’s stalked across every yahoo group and listsev on every topic. Completely viral. Go you!

  660. I sooooo want you to be my neighbor. And your responses to the weird creepy people trying to tell you how to live your life and passing judgement on a humor site? Perfect!

  661. OMG I’m DYING! This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. Just moved in with boyfriend and can so relate right now. I totally need a 5′ tall chicken. THANK YOU!!!

  666. my parents bought a rusty metal chicken (rooster) in mexico. and they had it above their cupboards in the kitchen. anyway my mom was cleaning and apparently their mexican chicken was rickety like Beyonce and it fell off of the cupboard onto her head. and cut her open. so they panicked because of all of the blood and called 911 and when the ambulance arrived and they tried to explain how she sliced her head open, they had to say the rusty chicken did it. let’s just say that my dad received some evil/odd looks like they did not believe it was really the chicken.

  668. Now I feel a lot less guilty about the antiqued chicken sculpture I’ve been lusting after. At least the one I picked out has some class. Not much more than yours, but it’s ANTIQUED!

  669. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul, and I would sincerely like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.

  670. Wow you’re a massive bitch. How many times has divorce been threatened?

  672. You, my dear, need to be published. I see you as the 21st century Erma Bombeck whose books started out as a series of newspaper columns. I know you’re ‘published’ online but I want a book of your best. Or 2, or 14.

  675. If you only knew. You have captured the essence of my marriage and my sensibility about spending money and my husband’s refrain, “Did you really need that?”

    Alleluia!!!

  676. I think my comment was eaten by Beyonce… I believe I insinuted that Beyonce was a cock rather than a chicken … but with its comment eating ways I now believe it truely is a female… as only females are that vicious..

    and btw.. thanks for the laugh.

  678. Thought the neighbors may call the paramedics as they heard me laughing so hard I could barely breathe.

    You absolutely made my day.

    I am seriously coveting your chicken – Beyonce would look great outside my office window.

    Wonder how many google searches have been conducted for “5′ metal chicken” in the past 24 hours….

    Dude, nice chicken.

  679. Classic! I don’t really want the chicken, but it is a classic. I am dying to send this to my friend Sue. She would so understand because she and her cohorts could so pull the same sort of thing. It’s great that you and Victor can keep your marriage ‘fresh’ with humor. I am not so cool.. would have just bought the towels anyway and took the dirty looks. Showing this to my daughters now!

  680. This is the most hysterical blog post I think I’ve ever seen. The next time my husband and I have a fight about something, I’m totally buying a 5 foot rusty chicken.

  682. Awesome. Utterly awesome. If only Beyonce, or her ilk (do 5 foot chickens have ilk?) had been around when I went through my own Towel Trauma with my ex. (He didn’t like the new bathroom towels because they were too soft and absorbent. Huh?)

  683. Just the story I needed today. I might just have to go find my own chicken.

  684. I felt like I was reading a story about myself! I too enjoy torturing my husband with metal chickens and toilet monsters.

  685. This reminded me of my husband! But he would at least appreciate the chicken, seeing as he works for a poultry company. Of course, he’d make me return the damn thing, but he’d get a laugh out of it just the same. Totally made me giggle.

  686. And I congratulated myself on my restraint for NOT buying the cute little sheet metal chickens at Dollar General last night. For $6 each. With adorable little metal tags around their necks spouting pithy sayings such as “It’s the simple things in life” and “Welcome to my garden.” Because spouse does not appreciate the artistry of the ornamental chicken.

    I think I’m going back there today, and those metal chickens are coming home with me after all.

  687. Maybe I missed something while skimming through the comments, which are predictably almost as good as the post itself, but is nobody concerned that this is clearly a MALE chicken? Named Beyonce, an uncommon name known to most people as a famous FEMALE? Anybody else hearing the line from “A Boy Named Sue” and thinking, “My name is Beyonce! This chicken will cut you! You gonna die!” Really, Jenny, good thing he’s rusty metal, because if he ever came to life and decided to get even, you’d need the sound of his clanging and squeaking to get away in time.

  688. i literally just peed my pants a little bit. while sitting at my desk at work. guess i won’t be getting up anytime soon…

  690. I’m thinking the chicken needs to keep moving around the house. One day she needs to be in the shower, your bedroom, the closet (if she fits), and basically anywhere thats rediculous. With a straight face you have to explain why shes there.

    Shower: “She got dirty so I wanted to rinse her off.”
    Bedroom: “The rocks on her feet were moved last night so I wanted to move her inside to keep her from being stolen…” (this is also good to try and put the moves on Victor and have the chicken facing the bed….creeeeeppppyyyy)
    Closet: “I was wondering where I put her…..”
    Kitchen: “I was making eggs….reminded me of her”

  691. For the 25th reunion, you should really consider investing in a life-size terracotta soldier replica, imported from China. (You could name him Jay-Z.) Or, you could just have one of my mom’s. Please take it away. Please.

  693. OK, so now we all need to buy stock in the “big metal chicken” business because clearly this is what has been missing! Women across the country are clamoring to own one. I’m not even married and I want one…you know, in case I get married. (chuckle snicker)

  697. I think your chicken is GREAT! I love it, my hubby would love it, and ifit ever needs a new home I will be happy to find one for it!!!

  698. That was flippin fantastic. I’m so doing this the next time the husband says he needs more fishing tackle. Oh, you bought fishing tackle? I bought a 5ft tall metal chicken. Call it even.

  699. OMG!!!! Hilarious!! I’ve added your blog to the list I follow now.

    I do have a question, since hubby and I will be celebrating in August…..if 15 years is a five foot metal chicken, what is 30? TWO??????

  700. Yeah! Finally made it to the end!! 😀
    Been reading this all day (well, afternoon) and did nothing else, yet…
    …AS I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!
    Tears running down my face, jaws aching and belly hurting! And the comments! Even some of the neg. comments could not stop me from falling of the sofa.
    My Doggy is looking at me time and time again, wondering what the hell I’m doing, but it was all worth it. When MOH comes home in a bit, he will wonder why my eyes look so red…
    You. Are. So. Very. WONDERFUL!!!
    Thank you so very much for being who you are and having the graciousness to share your humor with us, sometimes it is all that lightens my day.
    “Knock, knock, motherfucker” WHAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA
    …Gotta go now….. hooohooooohoooooo *snort*

  702. Holy shit snacks, I am going to Home Goods this weekend in search of a giant metal chicken. That thing is… wow. I’m just out of words to describe the crazy awesomeness. Thank you.

  704. I read this post yesterday and went through all the comments and wondered why no one mentioned the fact that the chicken was full of whiskey. Which would make the chicken the greatest thing ever. I had to read the post three times before I realized that the chicken was “full of whimsy”. Still amazing, but now I understand why Victor wasn’t as excited as I would have been if my wife brought home a 5′ chicken full of whiskey.

  706. You should drag him into your room before he wakes up and place him next to Victor’s side of the bed. Good Morning!!

  707. Can Beyonce be trained? Because if she could become a murderous hen-pecker and pay a visit to “Nathan” and “Blank”, she could be a 5-Foot Metal Killer Chicken, which increases her Awesome Value exponentially. Hello college tuition for Hailey.

    Or she could just punch a hole in boxes of wine with her beak. Equally cool.

  708. I now want a giant metal Beyonce chicken. Seriously, where did you FIND that?

    If you have the personality to do this and write about it, I must start following your blog. Wave to Beyonce out the window for me.

  709. OMG! That is so completely hilarious! Unfortunately, I have seen that rooster before… on my neighbor’s front porch! They sell them here in NW Arkansas along with.. wait for it.. anatomically correct metal goats. I know, I know! When is the husband’s birthday? The goat would be so cute at the front door celebrating his birthday. “Naaack Naaaack, mother fucker- just kidding” 🙂

  711. Comment # 296. . .Let’s see, you bash someone for not approving your comment (that was quite obviously posted) and yet on your blog…oh yeah lookie there…NO COMMENTS ALLOWED?? Chicken shit. 5 foot tall chicken shit 🙂 Not the greatest gift to women are you? I know I would never be with a inferior piece of dirt like you.

  713. I find the implication by some of the naysayers here that our intrepid Bloggess is spending *her husband’s* money, rather than her own, to be disquieting. I’m sure he’s made his share of infuriating discretionary purchases about which she is also not amused. As many others have pointed out, a marriage doesn’t get the chance to make it to the Big Metal Chickens anniversary unless the couple have reached a certain level of detente in their efforts to keep the spark alive through acquisitive warfare. Plus, makeup sex is hawt.

  714. Oh, Jenny! *wipes eyes* As usual, I don’t know which is funnier: the story (classic!), your usual commenters (witty!), the troll comments (wtf?), or your responses to said comments (hilarious!).

    Your story reminds me of the time I convinced my best friend to buy drunken pig bookends in New Orleans. I may have used a line similar to Laura’s. Oh, her husband was ticked. But the pigs loll merrily on either side of their fireplace to this day, one sloshed on wine & the other burping beer, and my friends’ marriage is still a happy one.

  715. I just was let go from the company I have given my entire life to for over 6 years today -very unexpectedly, due to downsizing. And I REAAAALLLYYYY needed this! I have been laughing my ass off and crying for the last hour, still havent made it part way through all the comments, and really need to find myself a big fuckin chicken to keep this in my head!!! thank you so much!!!

  716. Maybe if I get this, then threaten to get 4 more to go with it, he’ll finally relent and let me get the 5 real chickens I want!

  717. What is wrong with me that I basically forgot that this happened until you wrote about it. And it involved a giant chicken. And it was just a few days ago. I need help.

  718. Is that the chicken that laid the Lady GaGa egg?

    Also, I can’t wait for a follow-up post a month from now that details how many people found your blog by googling “five-foot cock.”

    And a lot of the commenters here could use more large cock in their lives. Maybe then they wouldn’t be so cranky.

  719. What is wrong with me that I basically forgot that this happened until you wrote about it? And it involved a giant chicken. And it was just a few days ago. I need help.

  722. I love a good giant metal chicken story! Poor Victor. He’s probably only made because Beyonce’s ends are sharp and rusty. He was totally planning to hit that.

  725. We have a giant cock in our yard too! Most everyone loves it and I’d upload a pic here for you if I could.
    Well played.

  726. “Chicken DOWN!”…damn, I would have brought you ladies and your cock out for a drink if I was there that day…

  728. Dear God. I don’t know what’s funnier–the picture of that chicken standing at the front door with logs on his feet or ‘knock-knock, motherfucker’. That’s good shit.

  730. omg….TOTALLY laughing. saw the link to this on FB. My husband and I would totally do this to each other and both be laughing hysterically by the time it was all over.
    I have been looking at those roosters for about 4 years now and have not found one under 200$ even at the flea markets. of course we don’t live in town, so it kinda fits our rural landscaping a bit more.

    too funny! Congrats on 15 years.

  732. That has to be one of the funniest stories I have ever read…laughed till tears ran down my face!

  733. I would pay good money to see a picture of you, Jenny, in the panda suit, holding James Garfield, standing next to Beyonce. Of course, this could never happen or the universe would just implode from sheer awesomeness, but…wouldn’t it be amazing?

    Also, I want to send Rick at @461 a towel.

  734. I can’t stop giggling just thinking about Beyonce. I’d probably fall out if I saw him for reals.

  735. LOL thanks for sharing! Iwould have loved to have been there to see it all inerson1 It sounds so much like the crazy stuff my friends and I come up with.

  736. LOL thanks for sharing! I would have loved to have been there to see it all in person! It sounds so much like the crazy stuff my friends and I come up with.

  737. OMG I’m gonna DIE from laughter… and at work no less! LOVE this story! (First time reader)

    And the caption truly about did me in.

  738. That was one of the funniest things I ever read. New fan, thanks for the rib cracking laughter all day.

  739. Ok, You made me pee my pants a little! I want one! I NEED ONE! GOTTA HAVE ME A BIG OLD METAL CHICKEN!!!

  741. Wow, you really hate your husband! Must be really fun in your house with all the hostility disguised as jokes.

  742. I made the mistake of eating a candy bar while reading this. When the UPS guy said, “Dude. Nice Chicken.” – I laughed so hard – and started to choke. My co-workers surrounded me to see if I was okay. And all I could squeak out was “It… Was… the Chicken…”

    This post made my day. No. My week. At least.

  744. All this time I’ve been trying to write the perfect post and it turns out all I had to do was buy a 5 foot tall chicken?

  745. This is hilarious. Thank you miss Melissa Mowder for sharing this post with me- this is what I hope to be like with a fun (and chicken) loving guy someday. Seriously cracking up. Great post.

  747. OK, I think the chicken itself is funny, but nothing else in this story is. What kind of spoiled, self-indulgent bitch spends $100 of good money – in scarce supply to a lot of people in this county, in case you haven’t heard – on a stupid prank with the express intention of humiliating someone that she (supposedly) loves? What the hell is wrong with you people?

  749. I THINK YOU ARE KICKASS AND WOULD BE A BLAST TO HANG OUT WITH!!!! —–Angela, Oak Grove, MO

  753. Holy shit – I can’t stop laughing! This is so amazing and makes me want to eventually marry the type of man that I can buy a big chicken for.

    Congratulations on 15 years!

  754. Jack Shiite at #516 can fuck off for using the r-word. I have a son with Down syndrome, so I am *your* judge.

    Also, wtf? “His” money? Somebody took a jump to the left & a step to the ri-ii-ii-iight & did the time warp.

  759. Hahahahahaha! Thanks for letting us know we’re not alone in battles with our significant others. God–I would just love to put one of those chickens on my hubby’s computer chair.

  760. Oh my darling. The chicken is an awesome story. Wait a go making it so much fun living with you. Blood pressure has got to be low in your household. You will out live all of us!
    Blessings- oh and watch the language!lol

  761. Jesus, women are dumb as painful sin. Remedial would be the least of how dumb the praise of this story places all of you.

  763. This story is making the people of Dublin , Ireland roll around laughing right now.

    Victor will look back & laugh at this one day .

    Thankyou for the giggle 🙂

  765. Definitely. Crying.With.Laughter

    Now, please do tell where you bought this chicken. My husband LOVES chickens — and this would make THE best gift for him. Honest.

  766. I friggin’ love this post. It wouldn’t work in our home. My husband would be over the moon if I brought this kind of thing home. We’re kind of weird like that. He’d probably sit it right under our light-up neon palm tree and put a Viking helmet on it.

  767. AWESOME! I needed this giggle today … I do believe we have the same since of humor and it does so seem to be lost on our men. 😉 Here’s to this sparking a new ‘Giant Farm Animal’ search for you… just think of his horror when the giant metal cow arrives!

  769. LOVED this!! I’m a rooster collector and now I have to find me a 5 ft ‘chicken’! I haven’t laughed this hard (or loud) in so long!! I love the comments (even the nasty ones) because they make me laugh even more!! I’m now a subscriber! I am so posting this on FB!!

  770. From a guy who has been married almost 30 years, you are so right about picking the battles. What I’ve learned:
    1) When my spouse goes off…I usually ask: Do you want me just to listen or respond?
    2) Happy wife= happy life
    3) I make the money, she manages life and family
    4) Don’tr pass gas in bed
    5) Her hair is always great…even when it’s not
    6) She’s not going deaf from the hair-dryer….it’s that I don’t speak loud enough
    7) Gravity…what’s gravity?
    8) My parents are the outlaws…my inlaws are just that
    9) Dinner is always good regardless
    10) ) Go to the man-cave when all else fails

  771. First time i’ve read your Blog…wonderful wonderful blogging.
    I have an insane urge to get me a 5 ft chicken.
    keep up the good work 🙂

  772. Holy shit. I just found you linked to from FARK. No WONDER your blog keeps crashing!

  773. From a guy who has been married almost 30 years, you are so right about picking the battles. What I’ve learned:
    1) When my spouse goes off…I usually ask: Do you want me just to listen or respond?
    2) Happy wife= happy life
    3) I make the money, she manages life and family
    4) Don’t pass gas in bed or have spray on the bed stand
    5) Her hair is always great…even when it’s not
    6) She’s not going deaf from the hair-dryer….it’s that I don’t speak loud enough
    7) Gravity…what’s gravity?
    8) My parents are the outlaws…my inlaws are just that
    9) Dinner is always good regardless
    10) ) Go to the man-cave when all else fails
    11) Humor in all that occurs
    12) LIfe is not serious, it’s how serious you are about it
    13) I never liked chickens:)

    Thanks for the post….delightful.

  774. Now all you need is a right sized egg…… with one of the pink towels in it…….

  775. Ok Bloggess? I am unabashedly in love with you after reading this! A friend posted it on my FB wall and seriously, we may have been separated at birth. So funny. Thanks for the laugh. I don’t tweet much but had to follow you.

  776. This post was hilarious. Thanks for making me (and apparently numerous others) laugh so much. 🙂

    Please thank Beyonce too. 🙂

    Re: Blog technical issues, I happened to check out your recent Tweets and noticed that you seem frustrated that 1. Someone barfed on you (suck!) and 2. your blog keeps crashing. Very sorry to hear about the first, but on the second item I feel I should congratulate you. Youw wwite up of this wisible incident has incweased your weadewship (of at least this blog entwy) by a significant mawgin. What looks like a stability issue on your blog hosting company’s part is probably a capacity issue. All of the new visitors who want to read about your adventures with Beyonce, Laura and Victor are slamming your poor server and bringing it to it’s knees. Some people refer to it as the Slashdot Effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slashdot_effect) though in your case I guess it would be the FaceBook effect (?) – at least that’s where I heard about the Big Metal Chicken. I’m not trying to suggest that this isn’t a problem, I’m just saying that depending on your perspective it might be one of those “good problems”. Now you get to find out how rapidly your hosting company can ramp up your capacity. Ie. Increase bandwidth? Put your stuff on a virtualized server on some kinda cluster/cloud thing with tons of CPU / memory? More energizer bunnies, Brawndo, Protoculture/Invid Flower of Life, Energon, plot tokens?

    If only laughter made web servers go faster… 🙂

  777. OMG, funniest thing I have heard in a long time. I need one of those.

  779. Dear The Bloggess, in this, as in all things, your magnificence astounds me and so I write for your guidance. This fall, I will have been married to my husband for FIVE WHOLE YEARS (which is a personal best). Please advise on appropriate anniversary gift for five years marriage, as I assume one-third of a giant metal chicken is not correct. Thank you for your help.

  781. I love this post with all my heart. I am saving it for a day when I’m sad and I need something to make me less depressed/anxious/ocd

  782. this is something my best friend and I would do . . . when we were in HIGH SCHOOL! so maybe insomnia makes you crazy, but at least it keeps you young!

  783. A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I think it is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time! I want to send a dollar wrapped in a towel with a chicken on it! I am going to be following your blog from now on, and I will be jealous that you are not my best friend and that I can’t go shopping with you!!! Thanks for the story, and happy anniversary!!

  784. I don’t know you from the queen of England but girl, you are funny and Victor is lucky to have both you and Beyonce the chicken.

  785. Today I argued with my mother, my sister, my husband, my baby, my dog, strangers with bicycles, strangers with babies, an online photo developer, and my thighs. Thank you for helping me learn to be more selective.

  786. Wow. Some of these comments are pretty mean. I’m glad you’re able to let the crap roll off your back, Jenny.

    Happy anniversary to you and Victor! I know your house must be filled with laughter. And, odd barnyard animals.

  790. A friend posted a link to your fabulous 15th anniversary story on Facebook today. You made my day. Thank you. Now I want a big metal cock in my yard too. LOL

  792. and that’s one of many reasons i got divorced. because of people who may love you, but always put their opinions above yours. god, i love being single!!

  793. I haven’t laughed so hard in a good while. I will be keeping up with your articles, cause you and I share the same sense of humor when it comes to marriage.

  795. Sweet Mary Mother of God. Lady, you are completely twisted. If I wasn’t gay, I’d have already fallen in love with you. Who am I kidding. I’m gay, and I’ve STILL fallen in love with you. Or maybe I just want a visit from the chicken – only time will tell.

    You make me want to start a blog… but how can I compete with THIS!?

  796. i haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. i now also want to mess with my husband via a 5-foot tall metal chicken named beyonce.

  799. This just MADE my day!!!!thank you!! I will never be able to hear beyonce again without throwing fits of laughters nobody will understand.

  800. I contributed to the viral madness (when I posted it on my facebook there were only 200-some comments…). But I had to share something that someone else said on my post.

    “Any man who cannot appreciate a 5 ft anniversary chicken deserves bath towels. And no sex.”

    (comment was made by a single guy)

  801. Someone posted a link to this on BabyCenter and I have to say that I haven’t laughed this hard in MONTHS. I love you and I kind of love your husband. Thank you for posting this!!

  806. BEST PURCHASE EVER!!! And now I need me a giant metal chicken too…sigh….

  807. I found this blog through Facebook and I seriously got a lot of funny looks at the bar as I read this on my iPad and was laughing so hard I probably looked like a mental case, I will now enter into the weird world of following a complete strangers blog because seriously, Hollywood pays big bucks for something this funny

  809. BTW, I think Victor should get the new pink beach towels for his bath towels. He might see the difference that way :D.

  810. You my dear are absolutely hysterical and I totally would have helped you with the chicken. 😉

  812. Laughed so hard…… I almost broke the pearl’s I was clutching! I kinda wanna grow up to be like you….I know for sure i would have just been boring enough to JUST buy “revenge” towels!
    FUNNY! Thanks for sharing.
    Mahalo, Rosie

  815. I get that there was some back and forth anger here, but the “at least it’s not towels” crack shows that this was a fairly passive-aggressive spite purchase. Whether or not you actually like the chicken, the motivation behind the purchase and the chicken pranking is pretty clear.

    I like the style of writing, but, being a Texas boy, I’ve seen this sort of fight-love more than a few times. Dress cowboy boots stuffed with cow chips, a bride being disallowed to buy shoes to go under her *wedding* dress, brand new pickup trucks stuffed with rotting food, trashed motorcycles, shot (with bullets) cars, and divorces after over thirty years of marriage? All in my family.

    A divide over money/value/need/want that doesn’t actually get sorted out is toxic, and it doesn’t really matter who was wrong or right, what battles were well chosen or not. Find a way to communicate without passive-aggressive sniping, or everyone loses. Maybe you’ll buck the trend, but I just don’t think that marriage is supposed to be a fight. It’s just too tiring, win or lose.

  816. My husband will be thrilled to learn he is not the only husband who gets tormented this way – He was forced to paint our house 114 colours of white (all the shades of white general paint makes) because he said proudly and loudly to me while hanging with his friends “Of course you can paint the house any colour you want…. as long as that colour is white” I made sure that I changed my mind about which walls should be which shade just often enough to force him to clean his paint brush everytime he started painting a new wall. At least white doesn’t clash with white!

  818. I Really need a 5ft chicken right now!! I still have tears running down my face from laughing so damn hard!!Thanks for the laugh and perspective today.

  819. O.M.G. I nearly peed, I laughed so hard. I tried reading it aloud to my dear husband of ten years, who, when he finally understood what I was saying through the crying and the outrageous laughter promptly said, “I’m divorcing you in four years. Just FYI.” A giant metal chicken!!! BbWWWAAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!!

  820. Wow. So Chaboud gave you free marriage counseling. Which you clearly do not need. Sure, Victor wasn’t in the mood for your towels and your Chickens today, but he knew you were the sort of person to purchase 5 foot tall chickens when he married you, right? And if not, then he sure does now….

    Easy fix. Sell some cards/t-shirts and the Chicken pays for itself. Like the boar. I would like a card featuring James Garfield and Beyonce, along with some clever caption. That’s why we pay you the Big Bucks. You don’t work for chickenfeed…

  821. Thanks for the laughs – I really needed that! hahaha! I laughed to the point that i started having tears stream down my cheeks!

  822. Freaking hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. I laughed so hard about “Dude, nice chicken”. I can so see that happening!!

  824. Have been a silent reader forever….but now I MUST comment. O. M. G. perfection. I laughed out loud and snorted beer through my nose – will share on fb.
    Triple love your writing.
    Thank you. Needed that.

  825. Oh, and double-plus Princess Points for the random video game/Zero Wing reference (“all your base are belong to us”).

  826. I think you could sell it a little harder to your old man…he’s missing out on the obvious potential:
    Cinco de Mayo – Beyonce wears a sombrero
    Thanksgiving – Beyonce wears a Pilgrim hat
    Easter – Beyonce looks like she’s pooping giant multi-colored Easter eggs
    Halloween – Beyonce can be any number of fabulous things…hooker fairy, hooker nurse, hooker schoolgirl…
    Christmas – Christmas lights, need I say more?

  829. I love your chicken…I laughed through the whole post! THANKS!! I love you, Laura and the Chicken!!!

  831. My wife makes me read your blog so I don’t think she’s crazy. She says you must really love Victor because of the “total awesomeness” of the 15th Anniversary gift…I say it’s because Victor has a 5 foot Cock.

  832. “Knock knock motherfucker” OH MY GOD I am literally laughing my ass off rightnow. Thank you….I so needed this today.

  835. Hilarious!! I think you have to be female to totally get this! Thank you for sharing!

  836. Crying, Laughing, Can’t Breathe. I <3 this. Best blog post I have read in my life.

  837. My 15th anniversary is next week and a giant metal chicken is DEFINITELY better than any gift idea I’ve seen so far! Thanks, Jenny, for the funny story.
    Jenny

  838. Oh, shit. I think I might have gone to high school with Charlie Red. Wait. Hipster. Can’t be. Charlie Red sounds like he’s still in high school.

  839. Love it! I have a chicken/rooster love anyway. That would have been the best argument yet at my house!!!!!! Plus, you always have to enjoy a good buy, & it was!

  840. My hubby would have just have tried to ban me from shopping with my friend who obviously gave me bad shopping advice after buying a chicken like that.  Great post…so funny.

  842. Holy shit, girl! That is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! I have tears streaming down my face! And I do think he meant the chicken is carrying a shiv. “Look out, that chicken will CUT you!” OMG I won’t be able to think about anything else for a week — THANK YOU!!

  843. Now I want to find a husband just so I can piss him off with a five foot tall metal chicken!

  844. Dammit! I went to all the HomeGood stores in a 25 mile radius today looking for a giant chicken but alas…they were all out! Must be more drunk ladies here in MN than in TX. HomeGoods in the BOMB for whimsy. I picked up a rather large (about 3ftx2ft) wire rhino there a few years ago and he keeps my Garden Yeti company. Never seen a Garden Yeti? He’s super whimsical! The King of Whimsy! And made of quality designer resin – ooh-la-la! http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102517807

    And for all the haters? Fuck….You. Seriously. Jenny, you have way more patience than I would in dealing with the asshats who think they are entitled to some sort of opinion on your marriage and/or where you spend your money. Back under the bridges with you, troll brigade!

  846. I laughed loud enough to scare my cats at “IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY”.

    I nearly peed myself when I SAW aforementioned chicken. Your Beyoncé rocks my freakin’ world!

  847. You know you can dry yourself after a bath just fine using a beach towel.

  849. To Anonymous at #599, Robert at #586 is a guy that’s pro-Jenny, BRAVO Robert! Also, Dan at #603 seems to be pro-cock as well, because I rank that as the number 1 comment is all these 745 comments! 🙂 LMAO Jenny, I love you and all the others here who get the joke.

  851. oh. my. god. hahaha this has to be the BEST blog entry I’ve read. the best. i love it. i want to frame it. and i now want a 5 foot metal chicken… almost. 🙂

  852. I think I died from laughter. I must remember this someday when my husband bitches about me buying shoes. I need to FB this. It needs to go viral I swear. Men need to run scared. Best Revenge, anniversary gift in the world.

    I say, put him in your bedroom and when victor says WTF is he doing in here, you just say, Well Victor Darling, I just need a big cock in the bedroom.

  853. Beyonce was worth every penny! This post is priceless – definitely the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! : D

  855. That is the funniest fucking thing I have ever read. I was in tears. My husband also thought it was hilarious….but he didn’t cry like I did.

  856. That is just flippin’ hilarious. I love people who have this kind of a sense of humor. Really, we need more of this in the world. Excellent job!

  858. Insanely funny. Laying in bed snickering trying not to wake my husband!

  859. And people wonder why domestic violence rates are at an all-time high…

  860. OMG, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time, you must be a long lost sister in TX…when you moving back to IL hon, ’cause we need your sense of humor up here!!
    you need to read our other ‘sister’, deranged.me

  861. Well part of the chicken was pink. LoL I bet he has rethunk gripping about pink towels now that he gets to stare at a giant pink cock allday!!!!

  864. Our 35th Anniversary is coming up in less than a week and I wish I could have a chicken…maybe a little taller since there are more years of marriage involved. I loved it!!

  865. This is the first time I have read your blog… thank you to a friend… and I have to say I will continue to read until you decide to stop writing. I almost pee’d by pants when Beyonce was outside his window! My husband looked at me crazy multiple times and asked if I was ok even more. Thank you for making my long day so much better!

  867. Where’s your copyright logo? Make sure nobody steals this, uses it in a sitcom script.

    What’s your personal record of blog comments?

    I think Beyonce resembles Foghorn Leghorn, one of my lifelong favorites. Next time I go to Texas, I’m going shopping for my own metal chicken.

    How many people are repeat commenters on this post? The comments on this post could be the basis of a case study for a grad student paper in psych, or sociology, or psychiatry….

  868. LOVE THIS!! I just read this to my mum on the phone after I was in tears from laughing.
    So, she told me a story that this reminded of her of her and my dad. It goes:

    My parents live on a farm..where I grew up. My dad would constantly park the tractor and equipment in the front yard when he came in the house. They left ruts and tore up the grass.
    It drove her nuts and she would repeatedly tell him not to or that she would sell the farm equipment.

    Needless to say, he continued. So finally, one day he came in from making hay ..having parked the tractor and haybind in the front yard and went to town. Mum went out and put 2 big For Sale signs on them!
    Being prime hay season in Ohio, she got no less than 5 phone calls from people passing by (we live on a large state highway) wanting to know the price. Dad got home, didn’t notice the signs and was perplexed when he answered even more calls.

    In the end, he was so mad that he didn’t say a word but went out and threw the signs on the ground and moved the tractor. She said he never parked them in the yard again! HA! Win.

  869. Now that I can breathe again…THANK YOU! I haven’t laughed that hard or loud in a very long time. Thank God nobody is at home or they’d be down here wondering who died because I was crying so hard from laughing. Hey I’m coming up on thirty, I could get 2 big a$$ chickens!

  871. I… dare say Victor was trying to save money. That sounds like the argument underneath the fight. But if you have a hundred dollars to burn- fuck it. Everyone deserves chicken-shaped perspective.

  874. I just seriously laughed until I cried reading this. Not just my eyes tearing up, tears STREAMING down my face crying. I could totally see me and my girlfriends doing something like this.

  875. This is so my own sense of humour – fantastic to know there are other ‘crazies’ out there as well. Mmmmm wonder where I could get a 5ft chicken in New Zealand……..

  876. Maybe Beyonce and James Garfield should collaborate on something. Instead of christmas cards, maybe an album this year.

  877. I found a link to this blog (the chicken towel thing) and during the read, I was pissing myself. I NEED to know where you got that tin rooster. I already told the wife iof I find one, I’m bringing it home.

  881. I laughed until I cried…. Awesome, now I see Beyonce’ in a whole other (5′ metal chicken) kinda light. Soooo worth it!!

  883. Seriously!!! Some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a while!

    and all I have to think about is ‘bok Bok Mother fucker’ and the tears stream down my face and the dogs look at me like I’ve lost my mind, because my kids are sleeping and can’t wonder what’s wrong with their mother.

    I love you ! and your giant cock too.

  885. Perfect reading for this week, my 10th anniversary. I had my husband read it and I could hear him laughing several times from the other side of the house. Good to know we are in good company, with those who use the f bomb and my favorite, motherfucker. I am also a sale freak and can justify a $100 chicken if you save $200. 🙂

  886. This seriously has made my life. Oh my goodness, what I wouldn’t give for that chicken. I’d love to see a picture of it from Victor’s window.

  887. You’re my new favorite human.
    I once gave a lady a rubber chicken after our first date – we were together seven years. Your story is better, and better told.

  888. delicious! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. my husband and i agree that we will be looking for a 5 foot metal chicken for our 15th anniversary!

  889. That is hilarious! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!! I am now wanting a big metal chicken for my office!

  890. Bahahahahaaha!!

    I need a giant metal chicken to put on people’s doorsteps. This. Is. Amazing!

    Keep us updated on Beyoncé’s journey.

  892. Thank you for this. I laughed so hard I cried. And then my husband came to see why I was crying. But I couldn’t explain it to him because I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t get any words out.

  893. This should have been titled, “How I ended up with a 5 foot cock in my backyard”…..lol.

  894. Yes. Beyoncé *is* a him. He is a rooster.

    But that’s OK. You can call him a chicken.

    But I really think you should go back and see if they have any *real* chickens. Girl chickens.

    Beyoncé looks lonely.

  895. well after 870 comments what can I possibly hope to say that someone hasn’t already said…but i’ll just say that was the best thing i think i’ve ever read. seems everyone i know reads you. you’re awesome. and that chicken..or should I say 15 anniversary gift is awesome.

    beyonce.

    awesome.

  896. Thank you for this great story — I have now a new response “If you are not careful, buddy, you’re getting a f*&*cking chicken!” love it 🙂

  897. omg i so want the giant cock to make people laugh wow i would have bought it lmao luv it

  901. I am dying here! I totally just woke my husband up because I couldn’t control myself. Tears are streaming down my face and I had to wait 10 minutes to even comment because I was doubled over laughing! Oh the down side, my abs are killing me because I tried my first Pilates class yesterday and all the laughter causes me pain, but Beyonce was SO worth it! Best blog post I’ve ever read!

  902. Love it. Love it!!

    Totally get the attraction. I have a 3 foot metal bird in my bedroom. Wanda doesn’t know if she is a crane or a flamingo. She vacillates between the 2…..obviously some childhood imprinting screwed her up.

    Anyway….thanks for the laughs.

    Wanna join my Society of Metal Fowl?

  904. I laughed like a hyena when I read this. I sent it to my daughter who said she laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe. I must have that chicken.

  908. I’ve read through this post a few times now trying to understand where all the hostility is coming from with some of the comments.

    Yeah, they had a fight and yeah, Jenny bought something that she knew would piss off Victor, but, it seems to me that he was already in a bad mood.

    This, however, is the man that bought Jenny James Garfield! He seems to understand his wife and if he doesn’t understand, he at least tolerates her shenanigans fairly well (as all good spouses should).

    People have stupid fights about the littlest things. I’ve raged at Mister W before because he won’t tuck the sheets in when he makes the bed. He’s flipped out at me because of a Comcast technical issue. Underlying stresses outside the home often have us blowing steam at our spouses.

    Who are we to make such negative comments? One might say that by the very nature of blogging we “invite” that kind of attack. But if you were raised properly, I imagine that the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice…” might apply.

    Besides, quite honestly, a giant metal chicken seems just like the kind of thing Jenny would purchase regardless.

  909. This is the funniest thing ever. I am so buying a giant chicken and doing this to my husband lol 😉

  910. “knock knock motherfucker” is my new greeting for my husband. He reciprocates. He? Is awesome.

  911. I have had an extremely shitty night. On night like these, I turn to the internet, but Pioneer Woman and Bakerella just wouldn’t do.
    You didn’t disappoint.
    Thanks.

  912. Jenny–my husband and I have been laughing so hard we have been crying for the last hour, not only at your post, but at the comments that follow. We have been married for 14 years, through ups and downs, and both agree that laughter is the best medicine for ANY marriage. It will hold you together through all the times you want to strangle one another. You have just gained two more loyal followers, and we are looking for a chicken to stick somewhere in our house, so we can forever laugh at this story……bless you for sharing, and your husband for his part it in. 🙂

  913. Oh my Gosh! This made me laugh for the first time in a LONG time. So much so that I have to know where you got this thing? I want one. If for no other reason than it would really irritate the neighbors who give us a hard time about EVERYTHING…

  914. Oh my Gosh! This made me laugh for the first time in a LONG time. So much so that I have to know where you got this thing? I want one. If for no other reason than it would really irritate the neighbors who give us a hard time about EVERYTHING…

  915. I’m so glad there are other marriages that parallel mine. I’m so, so storing that away for a particularly cranky-pants moment.

  917. I just got to read this thanks to your blog’s recent aversion to being online. I have to tell you, I laughed until I cried and my stomach is all spasmy. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Sorry, Victor. It IS a nice chicken!

  918. Post 839 annonymous. As a survivor of domestc violence your response is offensive. Domestic violence occurs because someone cant control their own temper & is a bully.

    Jenny has responded that she showed this post to her husband & would not have posted it if he was offended.

    Jenny it was hilarious. It had me looking for giant chickens all day. My friend Z found me a hand made art one but it was way more than 100 dollars & so sadly is still at the store. Id love beyonce postcards.

  920. Hilarious!! Thank you for the laugh…a friend on Facebooks shared the link to your blog and we can’t stop laughing (and crying)…every woman has their “shopping for a chicken story”, but you have captured it beautifully!! Love ya, Victor. Enjoy your CHICKEN!

  921. funniest blog post ever!!!!!i applaud your awesomeness,your humour+your defence of poor victor!heehee,my sis+i cried+rolled with laughter.thanks for making our day!honestly funniest thing i have read in years! XD

  922. I don’t get it, am I the only person that thinks your’e a crazy bag for buying the hotpink beachtowels in the first place then bitching that you need more towels because the last ones you bought were pink?

    THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL MEN THINK WOMEN ARE CRAZY!!!

    Your poor husband.

  924. HILARIOUS! I am laughing so hard I am crying…..I think it could only get better if you snuck out the back door, wrapped a towel around it’s lower section, put a shower puff in it’s beak, and rang the doorbell again! Then you’d have the cock in the towel…..LOL! I am going to start following your blog solely on this post! 🙂

  925. Or… you could not waste money. No wonder north america is going down the tubes. no one ‘needs’ towels or things like this. Is it really worth your marriage?

  926. I am still laughing a day and a half later! My husband was immediately on board. Now we just speak to each other with random quotes from this fantastic piece. Pure genius.

  927. OMG – this is the funniest blog post I have read in ages! I so want me a big metal chicken. But I would have named him the Neener Chicken – because life is all about the neener!

  929. I can’t decide whether to call my new band “Immature Spendthrift” or “Massive Bitch.” I think Massive Bitch would fit on t-shirts better but might get banned from WalMart for language. What do you think?

    In other news, if you charged each person 11 cents to comment, you could have paid for Beyonce by now.

  931. Now, if I was Victor, I’d cut off the chicken’s head, put it under the sheets on your bed and let you wake up screaming about it. But since I’m not Victor, I found this post completely HILARIOUS!

  932. You are my new hero. My husband has nooooooo idea what’s coming in September, 2012. You have now solved my anniversary gift dilemma. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS! Priceless.

  934. This is seriously the best story I’ve ever read. I was laughing so hard, I cried. Even my dad laughed hard, which is really saying something. And Beyonce is lovely!

  935. First time I have seen your blog and I laughed until I cried. So funny, I love the chicken! Can’t wait to read more!

  936. My friend, Melanie, and I have this chicken impression that we do when people piss us off . . . a cluck, like Ba Kawwww . . . Fuk oooofffff. Puts a smile of my face every time!

  938. Thank you Thank you Thank you for your blog post it was fabulous!! I didnt feel so alone tonight in this big ole world. I would have done the exact same thing as you all of us should be friends and hang out and go shopping. then we could all have a 5 foot chicken starring down at our husbands hahaha. I seriously freaking love you!!

  939. Now wait a minute Tequila gun? going back in I have some more reading to do……….

  941. What a fantastic story! I loved how the chicken/rooster ends up in the view of his only window. Next time he feels that you needn’t purchase something because you ‘just did’, hopefully he will think about the alternatives that might come home.

  942. I have ALWAYS wanted one of those!!! Shockingly, even though today is my 15th anniversary of wedded bliss, my man slave didn’t get me one…..

  943. i have seriously been laughing for like 15 minutes now. i have tears streaming down my face and can barely breathe. i am so thankful i went to the bathroom before reading this or i really may have pissed my pants. thank you so much for my absolute favorite story i have ever heard. u have no idea how many times i will be retelling this to people for years to come

  944. I’m sure I’m the millionth person to tell you this, but your blog is kind of fucking amazing. And by kind of I mean, no really, this is shit superior to everything. I’ve basically been automatically disowned from my family for chuckling during our evening tv routine. In hopes that I don’t spur you to file for a restraining order, I’ll refrain from rambling and describing my new found girl crush on you. (Can you blame me? A woman who’s hilarious? I know it’s not unheard of.. but lets be real.)

  945. Well, i must confess, i do wish i had a cock that big (It aint a chicken, its a cock). But, alas, i dont. Mind you, if i DID have a cock that big, what would i do with it?
    My hands arent that big.

    Nice cock.

    something my wife has probably taken note of too.

  946. Definitely found this to be hilarious… I had a crappy night at work and found a link to this on facebook. It was the lift I needed, I can go to bed with a smile on my face. Thanks = )

  947. OMG, girl, you and I go WAY back, but I have to tell you, this one is ON FIRE!!!

    I have seen people reposting on facebook who say they’ve never heard of you before
    and you even got a link in the babycenter.com group I belong to! I think you’re going
    VIRAL! That’s right, VIRAL BITCHEZ and all due to Victor and his enormous cock.

    You go girl! 🙂 LOVE IT! I wish I lived in BFE because I KNOW we would be friends. 😉

  948. HIL. AR. I. OUS! My favorite part is when you husband answered the door only to find an enormous chicken!! That is so something that would amuse me and I wish I would have thought of it first!!! mouseymom.blogspot.com

  949. Marriage as… combat? Is this as loveless as it sounds, or do you guys get off on it?

  950. I’m a dude and no matter how angry I was at my wife for buying too many towels or spending money on stuff we didn’t need, if I giant metal rooster rang my door bell, I’d probably laugh my ass off and then have a seriously mad make out session with my hilarious, crazy, spirited wife.

  952. That was so damned funny I just could not stop laughing. Can’t believe he wasn’t pleased you brought his anniversary present early (bloody men). Thank you for the much needed laugh 🙂 I have shared on facebook because I believe everyone needs a good laugh

  953. Don’t know what Victor’s problem is, I’d have thought he’d be proud, and bragging about his five foot cock. Most guys are so hung up on a pecker anyway,, peck – peck – peck,, hehehehe

  955. LIKE OH MY GOD!! THIS IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!
    THAT IS ONE BIG COCK!!
    thanks so much for the laugh!! this had me chuckling so loud I woke hubby up..
    he was like whats so funny at two oclock in the morning.. and I said “”a five foot cock!!”
    he was like ?????? lmao!!

  957. OMG I laughed so hard I was crying and my husband thought I had finally gone insane and said to the kids “hey remember when I said your mother was going crazy? This is what it looks like.”

  958. I’ve had one of the crappiest days of the year so far. And it was completely caused by the stupidity in the shape of a man. I had to read this 4 times before I could get through it all without cackling like a mad woman and scaring the ever loving crap out of my dogs. My small group of friends has decided that there will be a “Secure and Relocate” mission for our “chicken”. Our “Chicken” will actually be the “Pink Passable Pig”. Because I am a medically retired soldier, they would be eating cherry popsicles in hell before I could move something that large, we are going to shoot for a more manageble 3ft. Happy days and thanks to much for making my day,

  959. Why are you blogging about my life!? LOL

    Awesome post!
    I heard my wife laughing out loud tonight and it was the result of your awesome post which she INSISTED I check out and read.

    So glad I did.. 🙂
    P.S. Let me know if Beyoncé has to be sold.. something about a giant metal chicken guarding my door is appealing.

  962. Exactly what I would have done with my BFF. And yes – I saw this somewhere on FB and just read on another board. Classic move!

  963. OMfreakinG I’ve only read your blog back to December and I’ve already laughed so hard I cried. Three times. Lemme go to sleep already, it’s 3:33. AM. And duct tape and cats never ever mix. Not even leopard print duct tape.

  964. Oh! My! Goodness!!! Apparently, your husband doesn’t have a sense of humor…

    I am exceedingly fortunate to have a husband with a great sense of humor, but he would have really been beside himself if I’d spent $100 on a big metal chicken, which is why he rarely says No when I tell him we need ____ or I want ____ (not to mention my income is the majority of the $ coming in to the house right now)

    So, we never really “battle” and don’t have to pick which battles to have. He just reminds me which bills are still due and how much money we have to do something fun with.

    Did I say I was very lucky to have found a wonderful husband? Yup, he’s pretty cool. 🙂

  965. Just loved it!

    Have our 15th wedding anniversary coming up next week and I’m on a mission to find a 5ft chicken or something very similar!!

  966. Poor guy. Poor both of you. You’re bitter and spiteful, and he’s bitter and angry. I read this, and my stomach sank. I don’t get how so many people read this with side-splitting laughter. You value the chicken {or what it represents} more than your husband. I hope the next 15 years are better for the two of you.

  967. WOW I wish I had a 5 foot Giant Cock that I could do that to my husband with.

    GO You … :o)

    And totally agree with the comment “wait a few months then offer to get rid of it” and watch that husband of yours try to save face and keep ‘Beyonce’ at the same time LOL

  968. Fantastic! Made me laugh so hard I woke up my husband… He said why u laughing and I said bawk bawk motherfucker! Lol

  970. OMG!!! You are killing me with the chicken!! I want one tooo! Seriously it is so up my alley ! Ken would roll his eyes and think,”thats my wife” and Mom would freak! It is a twofer-!!!!!!!

  971. I just think this is perfect! Thank you so much for the laugh. What a gem. Brilliant.

  972. Holy moses! That was SO funny! I loved the “Clean up on Aisle 3” and the picture of Victor’s chicken! Thank you for making me laugh coffee out of my nose!

  974. My wife would do this to me and I would chuckle a bit. Then I would weld it to the roof of her van. Then I would be rolling.

  977. My girlfriend sent me this to read and I am so glad she did. I was drinking my morning coffee and laughing my ass off !! Great story and great lesson to your husband!

  978. Where can I get me a Beyonce? I NEED a Beyonce! OMG. Thanks for the laugh!

  979. Think of the potential at Halloween or Christmas? You will be the envy of the neighborhood.

  980. I’m really upset that people are mad at the chicken and are calling for its sterilization. I’m alerting PETA

  982. Hahahahahhaha this is the funniest thing I have ever read! I have been sitting here shrieking in laughter! Love it.

    Can’t wait to read it to my own hubby!!

  985. OMG hilarious – my husband cracked it at me for laughing my a$$ off!!!!

  987. Oh my god. Seriously love you!! This was the laugh that was missing from my life until this morning. I have got to get me a giant metal chicken (and utter the words from your third commenter, naturally). Great post 🙂

  988. I just cried from all the lauging I did. My husband doesn’t understand.

  989. Oh look – there’s a Big Red (and blue, and pink, and green…) Cock on your doorstep!

    ~EdT.

  992. You need to remind Victor that he is lucky you didn’t go out and get a “real” cock! Great story though. Thanks for sharing a great laugh.

  993. I hate to tell all of you, but it is not a chicken it is a rooster, chickens don’t have the comb on top of their head.

  994. OH. MY. WORD. That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read!!! Seriously I was sobbing in hysterics over here! Tears running down my cheeks! I LOVE that chicken!

  996. Lets se there is Traditional, Modern and now Random Crap I love it!
    You need to make a list! I’m coming up on 29… Maybe that can be the year chain saw carved Bear!

  998. I. Am. In. TEARS. Srsly. I am sitting here in my office, big wet weepy tears rolling down and cheeks aching, and I’m wheezing from laughing so damn hard. You, Victor, and Beyonce have made my morning. What started out as a completely crappy work day is truly better now, no shyte.

    I need to find Beyonce’s sibling, and put it in the corner of my office, if for no other reason than to remind me of your story. That, and to scare the bejeezus out of people. Yeah.

  999. OMG!! i don’t know where or how i ran across your blog but i’m soooo pmsl!! you are awesome! tell victor to have a drink and chilllll… :-p

  1000. Thanks for the laugh! I really needed a good laugh. I love your sense of humor! Victor is lucky to have you. I imagine you make life very interesting. He should leave the buying towels thing up to you. I will never have a big metal rooster named Beyoncé because my hubby already knows who is in charge of knowing weather we need new towels or not. lol

  1001. Seriously, I don’t know which is funnier…the blog post, or the indignant comments that came after it. Know your role, woman, before you get stoned in the town square. Along with your cock!

    And to Melly, I am certainly not wealthy, we do struggle to put food on the table sometimes, and I still found this HYSTERICAL. You know why? Because if I had $100 to spend on a big-ass metal chicken….I TOTALLY WOULD.

  1002. I’m laughing so hard at this that I’m scaring my 17 month old daughter! One of the funniest posts I’ve read!

  1004. You’re my hero. Or maybe your friend Laura is. Either way, I’m sending this to my man, cos he’ll totally get it (and thank God I don’t have access to a giant metal chicken!).

  1005. You HAVE to post this on the Facebook page of the place you bought it from (I am guessing from the tag it rhymes with “Gome Hoods”). They ALWAYS want to know the “great things!” their customers have found in their stores. I bet they have NEVER had a customer find such a good deal on a cock!

  1006. You are the most hilarious writer… ever. I would read anything you wrote!! L O V E your sense of humor! Lighten up, Victor. 😉 You only live once…. with or without Beyonce.

  1007. OMG this is the funniest thing I have ever read! You have started my day off perfectly and I have to go share this with everyone who will listen to me!!!!

  1008. I must have read this when you first posted it, there was only about six comments then. Truly it’s the funniest thing ive read in a long time …. Maybe ever! I keep coming back to read it! Then I read all the comments, all 945 of the fuckers and ran the gammet of emotions, you know, awe that you reached so many people, vague amusement that you were receiving marriage counseling based on a humorous entry in a blog and then I sort of started to get pissed. Finally it dawned on me that you just haven’t made it until you have random people ( or, I suspect, one lone random and I suspect forever single person) trolling your page! Congrats Jenny YOU WIN THE INTERNET! I’ll have a drink or seven for you!

  1010. Awesome story! but, wow, Victor needs to chill the eff out! Give him a joint and some whiskey, that should calm him down and possible appreciate the chicken! At least a good chuckle! 😉

  1011. I’m so bummed out that SavageMind from #930 is married. Because that is the kind of husband I want.

  1012. So Victor objects to staring at a giant cock? Nice, Victor. Reallllll nice.

  1014. oh my god….that was prolly the most entertaining story i’ve read lately…..it was ‘blow snot out your nose’ funny and i thank the gods i was home alone when that happened. i could casually wipe my laptop and not be too embarrassed. i still have tears in my eyes cause the pics are PRICELESS. def sharing this one.

  1015. Very funny ladies, my wife just sent me the link to this.

    I on the other hand would permanently mount the chicken in our living room.

    Your move my love 🙂

  1016. I need a 7 year anniversary metal chicken. I SO could have used that on my anni Monday. Thank you for being awesome.

  1017. great story.. will have to share with some very special people.. they will just luff it!! i will have to go craft a chicken in your honor… smaller of course!!

  1018. great story.. will have to share with some very special people.. they will just luff it!! i will have to go craft a chicken in your honor… smaller of course!!

  1020. I have no idea how you are keeping up with all these comments, but I just wanted to say that this made my day…my week. The funniest thing I have seen/read in a LONG time! Fantastic! I will be showing the hubs this reminding him to pick his battles when it comes to money. 🙂

  1023. Where’s the pic of the view of the chicken from Victor’s office? LOL

  1024. LMAO!!!! I have a feeling there’s going to be a run on big, 5′ chickens at Kohl’s and HomeGoods now. You should definitely get a cut.

  1025. I’lll give you $150 for it. 🙂 Wonderful story – made my day. If I get upset today, I’ll remember that picture of the chicken at the door.

  1026. This is the first time i have been to your website, I love the chicken saga. I am in my kitchen laughing uncontrolably. I want one of those chickens. You are my new hero. Sandy from Denver, NC

  1029. I agree with Joshua #949… not funny. That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it. Also, most of the posters who actually think this is funny are women. This is clearly a blog for man-haters.

  1030. I agree with Joshua #949… not funny. That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it. Also, most of the posters who actually think this is funny are women. This is clearly a blog for man-haters. Do the right thing. Get rid of the chicken.

  1031. Grow up!!

    Two things about that story: 1. you wasted $100 on a big stupid chicken, and then lied when pressured (“It’s an anniversary gift” and “I put it in front of your window on purpose”.) 2. “It wouldn’t have happened if it had been towels” means “If I had just gotten my way” which means you’re just a spoiled brat in a woman’s body. You need to grow up.

  1033. You have an awesome sense of humor…it’s almost better than mine. Like a friend of mine always says, “You can never have enough cock in your kitchen” so find a nice corner for your new metal friend (OK, wall) and keep on writing. My 15-year wedding anniversary is next week, and you’ve now inspired me to go to HomeGoods instead of Frederick’s for a gift….

  1034. That’s the way to do it my hubby knows better. If I say new towels he says how much u want. If I say chicken he says baked or fried. Its wonderful makin those memories. Victor is gonna end up luvin that chick. To the negative lonley ppl out there. Git a life. Or a Cock for that matter.

  1038. Wonderful! It’s a while since i laughed out loud at something i was reading. Pick your battles indeed.

  1039. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. ever. My co-workers think I’m crying so they’re ignoring meeting my eyes but actually Im laughing at the hilarity of a 5-foot metal chicken named Beyonce (I see the junk in the truck, aptly named my friend).

  1040. Laughed so hard I think I broke something!

    And Frank I guess my husband is a man hater cuz he lol too and said we need to get a giant chicken… and she said Victor laughed at this too… and I have several FB friends that are guys and have laughed at it…

    This is a humor blog… stop taking everything so seriously…

  1041. My favorite hubby and I had the same kind of argument 29 years ago over a copper pot I bought. He stormed off to sit in the middle of our pond, likeThe Thinker. Luckily the pond was empty. I should have taken a picture of him…I think I called him the same thing “motherfucker.” This year we will have been married 38 years. He’s still my favorite hubby and he knows not to piss me off.

  1042. I was in absolute tears of laughter reading this, it really made my day.

    You and my wife have a lot in common, she once spent 2 months making me a 2 metre tall elf, complete with pointy hat and clothes, for Christmas – and then took photos of me recoiling in terror when I opened my eyes to see my “surprise present”looming towards me 🙂

    I hope that your husband appreciates that a good sense of humour, and a wife who can keep you both laughing, is worth a lot more than $100.

  1045. Holy Cow, that was the funniest thing ever! Totally something I woudl have done. One day, you guys will laugh hysterically over this! 🙂

  1048. LMFAO!!!!!! Tomorrow is my birthday…when I woke up this morning I was going for dinner and a movie, but now…you guessed it – I am most certain that I NEED a giant cock. 🙂

  1049. That’s an awesome story! Love it, Love Beyoncé! Love it more cause every time I buy little face towels and put them in the linen closet my husband asks me, where did these come from? So I just started answering him that the other towels are mating and those are the babies. Seriously, where else would they come from? lol Cheers

  1050. OMG! AWESOME!!! You’re way with words is wonderful! Darn near pissed myself laughing while reading it out loud to my husband, who couldn’t understand me anyways and started reading it over my shoulder.. and nearly pissed himself laughing! I could totally see my mother doing this to my father.. and maybe.. in a few years I could see doing this to my husband.. though I think he might take it a little better than your husband did! lolol! Well-played!

  1051. Oh my gosh! That was SO funny! I was crying I was laughing so hard. Probably because my husband and I just had this argument about throw pillows! He has no idea what he is in for! Except I would LOVE to have a massive peacock at the door!

  1052. I hope I make it to 15 years of marriage, because metal chickens for 15 years would make me one happy camper.
    Sqwackin’ (ha, get it!!!?? No really..get it???) post lady!!!!

  1053. I don’t know you, but I want to be friends with you & Laura. I am crying I was laughing so hard at this. I can completely picture me & any one of my friends doing this to our husbands.

  1054. Totally looks like you are in Homegoods. I’m going there tonight just to check for giant Chickens. Of course, oil drums are not as abundant in Chicago as they are in Texas. Maybe my Homegoods will have a chicken made out of cattle slaughtering equipment or mob paraphernalia.

  1055. Victor’s pissed because he’s realizing he married a woman dumb enough to have so little to do in life that she idly hangs out during the day pissing away their money on absolute nonsense that no one needs while he’s out working a job.
    Apparently she’s made a habit of this – so it’s going to be hard to lighten up now that he’s realizing that he’s married an idiot.

  1056. Raise your hand if you’ve had this same towel fight with your husband. (JRC raises hand)

    Now raise your hand if you sent this blog post to your husband (JRC raises hand)

    Thanks for the laugh!

  1059. Clearly, Frank has never had a fight with his significant other. I do not hate men, or my husband, but sometimes I want to choke him and bring a new cock into the house.

    Personally, I would’ve never told the hubby we needed towels and bought them anyway. It’s always easier to ask for forgiveness.

  1060. Hilarious. seriously, and @ # 6 Sarah, I literally almost spit out my coffee from laughing so much @ your brusied banana post.

    already love this blog.

  1061. i gotta say, i need one of these. i loved it. it was funny. maybe victor lost his funny bone?

  1062. While I do admit that the chicken is indeed awesome, I’m going to have to side with your husband on this one. $100 on a frivolous purchase when even the cost of towels warrants discussion is just too wasteful. It’s also showcasing a lack of respect in my opinion.

    You should give him $100 and tell him to buy whatever he wants with it.

  1063. I think you can confidently tell Victor this post has more than paid for the chicken. And the towels.

    Most our our towels were wedding gifts. In 2003. And my husband would make the same statement.

    *bang head*

  1064. ROFLMAO! Made my morning….a giant chicken would be why my husband NEVER says not to buy stuff. He has been trained to say things like…I know you wouldn’t spend money we don’t have…I love that, glad we have it now..more towels! Great!…because he never wants to explain a giant chicken to the neighbors.

  1067. After reading this I now realize that I’ve been giving my husband really lame anniversary gifts. If a giant metal rooster is 15, what’s 35? I need to know -in like a week.

  1068. Thank you so much for the laughs! I am heading out the door right now to look for a Beyonce’ of my own! You made my day!

  1070. REALLY really needed that laugh. 😀 Best blog post ever! Oh, but my 4 year old just walked up and saw the pictures and said “Mom, that’s a ROOSTER. Not a chicken.” So there you have it. She needs a fucking chicken on HER doorstep for daring to correct you. 😉

  1071. That’s what he gets for cock blocking the towels. . .

    I’ve now been told by my other half that if I ever come home with a giant metal chicken it will end up as a giant metal chicken suppository. Personally, I heart Beyonce. He’s one awesome chicken. There’s a special kind of beauty in something that horrific. There is a giant iron rooster statue that stands somewhere between 5 and 6 feet tall about 15 minutes from my house that is so tacky it’s great. The people who own it have it out at the end of their drive. They must REALLY like chicken. Can’t wait for our 15th so I can get in on the metal chicken action. 😉

  1072. To the author: I don’t know who you are, but I love you!!! Thank you for that…

  1073. Oh MY God – I owe @PokerVixen flowers for posting this on Facebook. I’m wiping tears of laughter away as I type. I SOOO want a 5ft metal chicken!

  1074. This blog post has made its way around my Facebook friends and I just wanted to say that this is the funniest thing I have read in AGES! Absolutely brilliant story; absolutely brilliant writing. Thank you.

  1077. Funniest Post EVER. I owe @PokerVixen flowers or something for sharing this on Facebook. I literally Laughed out Loud.

  1078. OMG, This is hailarious! I had to share it on Facebook! I am sure you are going to have at least 500 more followers after this! You are my hero! “Watch out, the chicken will cut you!” Hahahahaha!

  1080. AHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. thx.
    love your sensee of humor =) now i’ve got a new blog to follow!

  1081. just posted to facebook and tagged my neighbor two doors down – who HAS this chicken in her backyard. brilliant post.

  1082. just posted to facebook and tagged my neighbor two doors down – who HAS this chicken in her backyard. brilliant post.

  1084. I MUST buy this chicken from you. My husband recently decided he wanted chickens and had a coop built for our backyard. Mind you, we live in the city….not the country. He arrived home with this contraption when I was out of town and promptly supplied the empty unit with two egg laying chickens….. Our 30th anniversary is coming up in August and if this isn’t sweet revenge…i don’t know what is!!
    I am dead serious about this. Can you tell me where you got this or if you would be willing to sell??

  1085. I actually now someone who is now raising chickens. The hens names are…wait for it…Beyonce & Rhiana. I told her she had to resist avoiding naming the rooster Christ Brown. 🙂

  1086. Thank you for sharing this WONDERFUL story… if more men would consider the outcome of their actions, there would be a lot less “metal chickens” lying around houses across the world!

  1087. So great. A friend of mine posted this to her facebook page and I went bonkers. So funny.

  1088. Gotta say… this sure made me laugh. Ok, maybe not $100 worth of laughter, but definitely worth something. Then multiply that something by all the people you’ve touched. So, Victor, consider this a charitable donation of good karma, contributing to the well-being of the entire community. Thanks for that.

  1091. You go girl! If your asshole of a husband cant see the humor in it then he hasnt got a laugh in him. Ive been married 41 yrs an this is the kind of stuff i got married for. I almost put the candle out on my wife but luckily i didnt. Dont,Dont let him do it to you. Stay silly . Hell its all we have other than Our Lord Jesus.

  1092. OMG I am totally saving this blog to my favorites. This totally cracks me up and now I’m on a mission to find myself a big honkin chicken. When I read “knock knock motherfucker” coffee spewed out of my nose. TOO fricken funny.

  1093. Too funny!! In my case, it was two giant iron pink flamingoes!! Ed hates them and was not especially happy when he got home! Love to do those kinds of things.

  1096. this has got to be the most hilarious story ive read in a long time!! i would LOVE to pull this off my on my hubby… ive got to keep my eye open for a huge “ass” tho.. hmmmm have you seen any?

  1097. I would have bought the damn chicken as well, (irate husband be damned), and spent many hours with my bff giggling about where and what to do wtih said giant chicken. Oh the amazing inappropriate jokes.
    I have a giant chef in my kitchen. My kitchen is about 10 by 10, give or take a few feet, and Jeff the chef, takes up a third of the space. He is oddly angled as well, which makes him take up more space. He has vacationed at a friends house while I moved, and went to work with me (for about 2 months, lol).
    I think you and your friend are hilarious, and that`s awesome.

  1098. Thank you for this story! Laugh out loud, crying. Love it! Home Goods has you to thank for selling out the rest of their clearance chickens! 🙂

  1099. OMG, how funny…laughed until I cried…what’s even scarier…I make a living SELLING these chickens (roosters, actually).!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Check ’em out at my website, http://www.californiagardenart.com! Love to mail you, or ship you, your very own chicken. They come in the following sizes: 1′, 2′, 3′, 4′ and the infamous 5′! If you don’t see the right one or the right size on my website, email me and we’ll hook you up (ed@californiagardenart.com)!!! All my best!

  1101. Came back to read more comments – almost as good as the chicken – certainly better than getting puked on by someone on an airplane (assumption without personal experience).

    My mom collects chickens….this would make an excellent birthday present for her and great revenge for the taxidermy collection my dad has installed against her wishes.

  1104. I thought that the chicken was not funny. It was a passive aggressive attack on Victor which would not lead to anything good long term.

  1105. Only thing that might have made the 5 ft chicken at the door any funnier is if you had draped one of the Bright Pink towels around Beyonce’s kneck as a scarf…..LMAO

  1106. Just wanted to let you know that the chicken incident had me thrown out of my office yesterday. My commander walked in to find me laughing hysterically with tears rolling down my face. When he asked me what was wrong, all I could muster up was a half-hearted “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” I was told to go home 🙂 You have another fan for life.

  1107. I just found your blog and let me say, the infamous “towel” fight happens in my house ALL.THE.TIME.

    I am completely liking this 15 foot chicken idea. I might have to warn my husband next time he tells me I cant buy towels that he can expect a 15 foot chicken instead!

  1108. Best story ever! If one of my friends ever left a giant metal chicken named Beyonce at my doorstep I would be giddy!

  1110. best laugh i’ve had in a long time. you are a brilliant writer. Also, 15 years should totally be metal chickens!

  1112. OMG. I am new here – just found you today, and this is the first blog post I am reading….and am am sitting at my desk with TEARS streaming down my face!!! this is a riot!! i forware4d to my best friend and told her that she needs to read this and then we MUST go shopping fora 5 ft tall chicken. LOL.

  1113. Great story! If one of my friends ever left a giant metal chicken named Beyonce at my front door I would be giddy! AWESOME!

  1114. Frank is feeling left out ~ someone get a giant cock to his back door right away!!!

  1117. YOU MADE MY DAY!!!!!! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, and I am in the middle of a chemotherapy treatment right now! LOVE THE STORY!!!!!

  1118. LOVE the chicken. You were so right to bring her home…LOL. Can’t wait to see what 30 years of marriage will bring to your door!

  1119. LOVE the chicken. You were so right to bring her home…LOL. Can’t wait to see what 30 years of marriage will bring to your door!

  1121. I totally get this! I brought home a 5ft. buffalo last year for pretty much the same reason, except mine was clothes, not towels. I named it Geronimo and he stands prettily ensconced on my deck after he was rejected/ejected from the living room.

  1123. Thank you, Bloggess for being so incredibly hilarious. I appreciate you, as does my husband, whom I read your posts to at night after out one year old goes to bed. We laugh our asses off and then eat ice cream…bliss! If Beyonce ever finds himself needing a home, we live in a super-funky, dirt poor, artist and musician ridden apartment complex on East Oltorf in Austin. He would find himself quite a home in one of the courtyards there. I think that his kind were in fact born to live in the courtyards of our complex and I may just try to investigate where to buy one, fulfilling my duties as a good citizen and making a very strange place in ATX a little stranger…

  1124. I want that Rooster more than words can express…..and I need new underwear….because your story made me pee in mine. :0)

  1125. I can honestly say Thank you for this you have made my year..
    Sorry you don’t know me but I stumbled onto your blog threw another person I know.

  1126. HAHAHAHA! And the best part about this is because you wrote about this, you can claim the chicken’s cost as a business expense!

  1127. I so can relate to this story! Only change the chicken to a tall cactus and it’s the same story between me and my best friend… When she told her husband that she bought a tall metal cactus..he was like ‘WHAT THE HELL”

  1128. You sound like a fun person to live with. YOur honey sounds like a grouch! Where can I find one of those giant chickens?!?!?! Awesome story!

  1132. So glad that I found your blog. I just celebrated 9 years yesterday (which incidentally is cheap wine and a crappy mini-series) can’t wait for the 15th year metal chicken!!

  1134. FINALLY! Someone who shares my affinity for cocks! I would show you a picture of my metal chicken if I could. Thanks for starting my day with giggles!

  1137. Ordinarily, this would be a funny prank to play on someone. Under the circumstances it isn’t because it was done to spite your husband. It makes him the butt end of a joke and that will only fuel resentment. You could have bought the chicken and played the joke later when the debate over the towels died down. In my opinion it was bad timing and poor judgement. Just my two cents.

  1138. so, i lost my bloggess virginity today thanks to my friend who posted this on her facebook page. oh my god are you always this funny? why dont you have a fb page so i can like you for chrissake.

  1139. This has got to be the funniest story I have read in a LONG time! Thank you! I would TOTALLY do that too!!! thanks for being so honest! love it!

  1140. FINALLY! Someone who shares my affinity for cock! I’d show you a picture of my metal chicken if I could. Thanks for the early morning giggle.

  1141. A giant Cock for someone who was being a giant dick about towels!! Priceless!

  1142. This could have almost been listed as a cause of death…I laughed so hard I went into an asthmatic coughing fit and couldn’t catch my breath. Thank goodness for inhalers! I am seriously afraid that if I see a metal chicken of any size or even towels at a store I will begin laughing so hard they will ask me to leave. Thank you for making my day!

  1143. Just wanted to say that this totally made my day…heck my year! Thank you for being so awesome!

  1144. O.M.G. This is the best post ever!! I laughed and giggled until my boss said “What the heck are you doing?!?” Tears running down my face. Makes it very difficult to answer the phone with any semblence of professionalism. My 10 year anniversary is coming up….seriously, my husband would LOVE the chicken.

  1148. Read this at work because it was passed to me by a coworker. The person in the next cube must have thought I was having a heart attack because I was crying I was laughing so hard and was trying to do it quietly, so it just sounded like a series of wheezes and gasps. Thanks for the good ol’ fashioned giggled!

  1151. That is totally awesome! I am just rolling over here. For me it would be cups, not towels! I really need one of those Giant Chickens. That could pose as a (GIANT) reminder to my husband that HE was the one who wanted the chickens that HE came home with! ; )

  1154. If you ever need a new home for Beyonce, I know a lady WHO RAISES CHICKENS on a farm in Buttpoke, Iowa and she would LOVE to have her…er, him. Beyonce could “go live on a farm” like all outcast pets. Yeah -that would be AWESOME.

  1155. Jenny and Laura, I heart you both and I’m all, I wanna be your new BFF. I totally think we should all go to our neighborhood HomeGoods and buy these massive chickens and begin a movement to leave them on people’s doorsteps who are having a bad day. The end.

  1158. This is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever read – and I’m online ALL FRICKIN’ day for work! Love your blog!

  1159. Bloody marvellous! You do realise this post has gone viral? It’s on my facebook and countless other forums now. Hilarious, girl.

  1161. Beyonce totally deserves a spot in the bedroom. Victors side. Start each morning with a smile. Love it.

  1162. Omg, why do you not have a reality TV show?!?!?! This was AWESOME, I laughed my behind off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks SO much for the much needed laugh. I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN!!! 🙂

  1163. Wow!! Your funny shit! I was pursueded to read this blog post thanks to the newsfeed on Facebook and 47 of the people I know that linked to this post. I’ll thank them for you.
    -gillian

  1165. Where in the hell did you find that?! I SO need one of those, or a few! I know a lot of people who could use a giant cock in their life! Please let us know how and where to find one!

    Sincerely,
    Searching for giant cock(s)!

    P.S I can’t believe we’re not related! haha!

  1167. Where in the hell did you find that?! I SO need one of those, or a few! I know a lot of people who could use a giant cock in their life! Please let us know how and where to find one!

    Sincerely,
    Searching for giant cock(s)!

    P.S I can’t believe we’re not related! ha!

  1168. I swear to God (or Buddah, Allah, Satan, etc to cover my bases) you and I are married to the same man but obviously in parallel universes since I’m from Canada and you’re not. My husband Brian told me he’d knife me in my sleep if I bought any more plates. For the record, we only have twelve plates. TWELVE. And my family has twelve members which means there’s no room for error on Christmas Day dinner. So clearly I need a five foot chicken to prove my point.

  1169. Oh my goodness. I am laughing so hard I am crying! Thanks so much for sharing!!

  1170. So funny! What a great laugh! Just celebrated 14 years… guess what’s coming next year! 😉

  1172. Really? THIS is why domestic violence happens? Are people seriously claiming this?

    Let’s leave aside whether you find this kind of prank really f’in funny or not. I find it HIGHlarious, but maybe you don’t. That’s fine. Do your thing.

    But even if you don’t find it hysterical, are you seriously telling me that you think domestic violence happens because a spouse chooses to do something silly? Regardless of whether that choice is juvenile or made out of spite or whatever. Do you TRULY believe domestic violence happens because of something the non-battered spouse did? Domestic violence has nothing to do with the behavior of the non-battered and everything to do with batterer. Don’t get it twisted.

  1173. This is hilarious. HI-LAR-IOIUS. But someone should have warned me not to read this while I work. Suppress laughter snorts don’t sound very good to passerbys.

  1174. Oh man this is the funnies shiznit I have read in years! I sat reading it before the Hangover II started. The movie was funny enough but THIS is what I kept thinking about and laughing. Yesterday was my 1st anniversary…damn if I’m not going to try and find a large paper chicken.

    Where has your blog been all my life??

  1177. lol my friend posted your story on facebook and I read it and think that you and your friend are absolutely hilarious! It sounds so much like something I would do! Love it! Especially that Beyonce ended up in front of his window!

  1178. This post will be your ticket to an awkward Today show interview next week… as this post is viral, or will be. So funny on so many levels.

  1179. Gotta say, this made me laugh… Maybe not $100 worth of laughter, but still, it’s worth something. Then multiply it by everyone that’s gotten a giggle out of it, and you’ll get your money’s worth. So, Victor, consider this a charitable contribution for good karma and the community well-being. And Thank You for that.

  1180. Hmmm Think Beyonce must have eaten my last comments…could you check? Anyways, you have made the front page of Fark.com…so CONGRATS!!! Have to agree with those who say you have won the internet! Only thing funnier then your post are the trolls who just don’t get you.

  1181. “People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere.”

    I’d like to point out that my family survives on one single income and by no means do we have the money to go buying 5 foot tall metal chickens and I STILL found it funny. Speak for yourself on what us “less fortunate” find funny.

  1182. Funny…thank you very much.. My sides hurt from laughing so much..but so, are you going to STILL be married in two weeks..

  1183. I had tears rolling down my face while reading this. TEARS! At work!!

    Thank you for making my life awesome.

  1188. I can’t believe self respecting men stay married to idiots like you “that’s why you learn to pick your battles.” Really? So I should not tell you to not waste more money on fucking towels for fear that you will go out and waste more money on a stupid fucking chicken as a passive aggressive attempt to establish your feminist strength? Or should I treat you like a child and give you an allowance so that your incessant purchase of towels doesn’t drive us to the point of eating “hand towel al dente” for the next week because we don’t have money for groceries. Or how about when you start looking at kitchen backsplashes I tell you that I’ll take care of it and you come home to kitchen walls lined with elaborate patterns of the billion or so wash cloths you’ve purchased. You know that pool you want in the back yard? Easy. I can select whatever shade of blue towels you like and lay them out on the lawn in any pattern you want. Just be sure to grab a ladder to jump off of into your pool in a head first dive so that I can go to happy hour and tell all the ladies there that I’m the unfortunate widower of a crazy passive aggressive bitch; pity fucks never expect much anyway. In the mean time stop wasting money and finish going bat shit insane in an economically feasible manner.

  1189. I’ll buy your chicken! I like it allot!
    psst~funny story! thanks for sharing…

  1192. My husband loves chickens but is reasonable about his love, but I don’t think he should be reasonable about it. If I had seen this at the store I would have screamed YOU NEED THIS and dragged it around until it either cut me and I gave up or he cut me and I gave up.

    I still would have wanted the damn chicken though.

  1193. I have to tell you that when reading this on a teensy iPhone screen I had to unpinch to enlarge text, which shunted the pictures out of the way, so at first I didn’t see the pic of you with the cockhead in the store and went right on reading. In my mind, I was envisioning something rustier and garden-y-er, and more … I don’t know.. like those brass 1960s Don Quixote statue thingies… kinda artsy-like; … so when I got to the picture of the DOOR plus CHICKEN I practically fell out of bed laughing and my husband came in thinking I was choking on something, and he read it and saw the picture and did the same thing. That thing is so frickin ridiculously awesome. Laura was totally spot-on. CHICKEN DOWN IN AISLE 3 indeed LOL

    And I now have a perfect anniversary gift for ME in mind now since I am after all, a Rooster….

  1194. You are my new bestie and you don’t even know it. But I also live in Houston and MUST.KNOW.WHERE.TO.GET.THE.CHICKEN. My anniversary is next week. Please email me!

  1196. OMG! I seriously think you and I were separated at birth…you are hilarious. This is EXACTLY the same kind of thing I would’ve done…love your humor 🙂

  1197. Well, that was pee-in-your pants funny! My husband also put the kibosh on towels, so now I know what to buy instead. Thanks for the shopping tip. 😉

  1198. I’m not sure if this was already mentioned, but when the salesman said the chicken would cut you, did he emphasize this phrase in any way, or say it sort of “ghetto”? Because I almost died when I read it (I was crying laughing at the whole thing, bravo) thinking of the famous Mad TV skit Bon Qui Qui at King Burger. If you haven’t seen it, you MUST. Every gay man and woman that knows a gay man in the northeast part of the country knows this skit and quotes it often….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

  1199. I laughed so hard when I read this that I promptly emailed the link to my husband. I’m thinking he’ll be much more careful when picking his battles in the future because this is totally something I would do.

  1200. I have to know WHERE you got that! I have 8 hens… and they NEED this rooster!!! This is HILARIOUS!! Even my husband loved it!

  1201. OMG, I NEED a chicken! I wonder how it would winter in Vancouver. We get a lot of rain here, so those nasty edges might get even sharper and that wouldn’t be good for the neighbourhood kids. Hmmm….

  1202. I can’t believe that was on clearance. What kind of slipshod half-assed namby pamby merchant can’t move product like that at full price? Sometimes I weep for the state of the human race.

  1203. You, my dear, are WONDERFUL!!!!

    What a fabulous story, Victor is a very lucky man to have you teaching him life lessons. 🙂

  1204. Pretty sure Galoot needs one of these. Do you think they make them 6’7″? I bow to your “piss-off-your-husband-by-spending-money-on-giant-a-metal-chicken” power.

  1207. Beyonce is exactly what I need to go with my blue oil drum flying pig- Coco!

  1208. Glad I came back for comments! Some of these are hilarious in their own right…and I want to send them a “How to have a sense of humor” manual. 🙂

  1210. A friend of mine sent your link to me and I am sitting at my desk, in tears from laughing so hard. I *heart* you and Beyonce.

  1212. Thank you so much for this! I laughed so hard I cried (like so many of the 10^3 people in these comments!)

    And just in case any of the negative comments are getting you down, I don’t know why they don’t get the joke. Honestly, Victor comes through to me as a lovely character, and so do you, and what’s so bad about laughing at ourselves, anyway? That’s the stuff that long and happy lives are made of. So love to you both, I’m so glad you have each other, and happy anniversary!

    I know I’m just reiterating what’s been said literally 1000 times before, but I’m one of those girls intolerables who just has to comment on everything! 🙂

  1214. A friend of mine sent me your post and I am sitting at my desk, crying from laughing so hard. I *heart* you… and Beyonce.

  1216. Oh. My. God. This is too funny Sherry! I absolutely love this story and the best part is that it’s true and I can totally picture the whole thing. What a riot. Thanks a million for making me laugh out loud on this busy work day. I needed that!!

  1217. That is the most hilarious thing EVER! And it’s totally something that I would do! I really, seriously, literally laughed out loud so many times! I spit out a mouthful of mineral water… ALL OVER MY LAPTOP, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I also laughed so hard that I accidentally drooled a little bit. Not a lot, like nothing gross or anything, but enough for it to make me laugh even harder. Anyway, props to you for a job well done.

  1218. any chance of finding this on ebay or online? i’d like to convince my mom to buy one for my parents’ anniversary.

  1219. O.k., my marriage is in the shitter, and yet I think I may have just had a laughter-induced thrombo reading this. Laughed through THE WHOLE THING. Priceless. F%$@ing priceless.

  1222. I loved this! first time reading your blog, but makes me want to go get a chicken for my next fight with the hubby!

  1224. I, as a first time reader of your blog and female, actually felt sort of icky reading this. I mean, the shopping part? Loved it. I just used a similar whimsy line shopping with a friend the other day. And, though I don’t have $100 to blow on a joke, this is totally something I would do… Not necessarily out of revenge, but because a 5ft chicken ringing a doorbell is just FUNNY. I like going for the funny.

    Here’s where the ick came in for me: The “I’m going to strangle you” and Victor’s (from the way you described it, and my internal visualization of it) violent reaction to the Chicken. Yeah… UNcomfortable. Like, being a voyer of a domestic breakdown in action. Hit too close to bad things in my brain. Simply put: Domestic violence isn’t funny. Marital breakdowns aren’t funny. This CAN read like either or both depending on the reader’s personal filter. Guess I am one of those people with such filters.

    I understand that in over a thousand comments and your article going viral I am in the vast minority here. But, even though you cleared it up around comment 400 something – and THANK YOU for that – few are going to read that far. I know a statement of clarity isn’t “funny”, but maybe, because this HAS gone viral, an addendum for those who *might* be like me, but might feel stupid for feeling the way they do reading this because all others around them are laughing and thus remain silent, could be helpful? Perhaps even reassuring?

    Thank you for reading.

  1225. you just like pissing off people, being contrary, doing the exact opposite that someone else wants to do, and making it all whimsical, fun, and exactly what YOU want. you and Victor have apparently struck a very-imbalanced balanced life together…that seems to work and entertain others who are like you….
    have fun with it all.

  1226. Where can I get a chicken just. like. this?

    ps my webite is IDon’tBlogAnymoreCuzI’mALoser

  1227. My neighbors have a giant sheet metal dinosaur… a bunch of people hoisted him onto another neighbor’s front stoop at 3am and rang the doorbell. A giant cock would have been funnier.

  1228. I use to be married to a guy who would have been so pissed at me if I came home with a 5ft metal chicken… even more pissed that I spent any money for it. I too would have taken pleasure out of stalking him with it too. 🙂

    But now I’m married to a guy who was laughing as hard as I was at this blog. Lucky me! I hope I remember to buy him a 5ft tall metal chicken on our 15th anniv.

  1231. My friend has 2 chickens named…wait fo rit….Beyonce & Rhiana. I told her she had to draw the line somewhere & that she couldn’t name the rooster Chris Brown. 🙂

  1233. I can’t stop laughing! If I keep this up, I might choke from laughing so hard. I wonder if metal chickens know the heimlich maneuver? But if Beyonce is sharp and attempts the heimlich, I’ll probably get sliced open and bleed to death so choking from laughing won’t seem so bad.

  1235. Jesus H., thank you. Thank you thank you. You just made my freaking day and I really needed that. You are HILARIOUS.

  1237. That is probably the best laugh of my life! No kidding! I am still going.

  1238. I have used the ‘knock, knock motherfucker’ at least once a day this week. It’s been a tough one but re-reading this post daily has gotten me through it.

    This type of behavior is why I am no longer married. Victor sure is a hard man to rattle. Does he have a brother?

  1240. Aloha,
    LOL! I love this!! You are so FUNNY!! I sent this link to my Aunt and she couldn’t stop laughing because she bought a set of Mariachi Chickens(that her husband told her were hideous) on sale from $480 down to $180!! She is selling them on Craigslist for $40! What a deal 😉

    http://bend.craigslist.org/hsh/2393741775.html

    Mahalo,
    Lindsay W.

  1241. If my wife sees this, don’t get any ideas. Two can play at that game, and your sister’s eyes will fall out when she comes to visit and sees what I’ve found to upstage the chicken.

  1243. Best laugh I’ve had in a while. Love the Beyonce Chicken…. If I had one I would totally put in people’s front yards too.

  1244. That was highly entertaining and funny, thanks for the laugh! I gotta say something though… that is not a chicken, it is a ROOSTER! Beyonce is a BOY, which actually makes it even funnier!!!!

  1245. Sooooo are there still chickens available because I think my house needs one and that was the funniest dang story I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing! And happy anniversary… I’m thinking 13th anniversary might be chicken as well… if it’s not towels…

  1247. Thank you for the blog post “How to get a divorce in 3 easy steps.”

    1) Completely disregard your spouses’s input.
    2) Find friends to creatively help you mock your spouse
    3) When your spouse is upset, use that opportunity to cut the wound *DEEPER*

    And you title the post “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.” as if *he’s* the asshole & you hope he’s learned his lesson? If this post is serious & not a joke, you are a spoiled brat.

  1250. If he gets too tired of the chicken, you could always paint it pink to match the towels 🙂

  1251. I would just like to say as a husband to a woman who might do the same exact thing, that I would have had the same initial reaction as Victor. However, I would get over it pretty quick. In fact, I would probably make the first “cock” joke. Something like, “You paid for it. Now why don’t I shove this COCK straight up your ass!”. I would mean it in the most loving way, of course. Great story. Nice COCK!

  1252. Hiiiigh-larious!!!!!! This chicken is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! And that’s including my two children the day they were born.

    By the way, your husband needs to lighten up.

    My favorite is that it’s a male chicken named Beyonce. Classic!

  1254. You could SO be a girlfriend of mine!!! $100 for a 5 ft chicken is a steal! You need to sit down and seriously ask Victor what you should do with the metal chicken s*it. Seriously.
    Happy Anniversary!

  1255. Would now be a bad time to tell you about the $10 Target coupon that could get you FREE towels………………..

  1258. OMG you have me ROLLING. Seriously tearing are streaming down my face I’m laughing so hard. Thanks for the laugh!

  1259. You. Are. Fantastic. I’m reading you daily now. Thanks for the giggles. (and, coming from a mid-thirties woman about to move in with her mid-thirties boyfriend, the lesson is duly noted.)

  1260. I cannot wait to make it to 15 years so I can buy my wife a big metal chicken.

    I also would insist anyone who came over take pictures with said big metal chicken

  1262. I laughed out loud so hard that I almost choked to death!! I have a couple of friends who will apreciate this story- we are like this, although I have never found a giant rooster! Bu tI need one! My 15th anniversary is the 28 of July- but then, my hubby is used to me being weird…

  1263. This is seriously funny stuff… My friend posted it on FB via her sister. I am totally reposting!

  1264. I read this at work and was sobbing with laughter!! Fantastic!!! You so belong in my family!!

  1265. i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

    clearly, you win. haHA!

  1266. i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

    clearly, you win. haHA!

  1269. i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

    clearly, you win. haHA!

  1270. Shit! My fifteenth anniversary was June 1st, and I missed out on the Big Metal Chickens! Crap!

  1271. A friend tagged me on Facebook with this link and I’m ever so grateful she did. I laughed so hard reading the story and then nearly choked on my laughing tears when I saw the picture. I mean, that really is one giant and COLORFUL chicken. If I saw it at my doorstep you can be assured I would laugh hysterically and then welcome him in for a bit of tea and a chat. Awesome. Plus, you have $200 that you saved to now spend on something “more useful” … as if making all of us laugh wasn’t useful enough!

  1272. I’d like to congratulate you on keeping me sane. Having one of the hardest years of my life and was at a low point. Read this post (and now I’ve got you on my Google Reader) and laughed so hard I cried. My therapist thanks you. My husband thanks you. My teenage boys thank you. And now I just wanna say the “F” word a lot and then laugh maniacally all day.

  1275. hahahahah! love it, looking for one right now! I think you should periodcially dress it in outfits too, maybe a wig here and there, and think of how “creative” you could get for halloWEEY with this thing, if you catch me 😉 plus if it is right in his view, he has the PLEASURE of seeing the thing all day. perhaps some blinking lights? Your Welcme Victor!

  1279. Wow, you and your husband treat eachother like a piece of shit. Good for you, you’re hilarious in your horrible marriage. I’m so glad everyone find this so funny, Humanity sucks.

  1280. sure beats the year we took a garden gnome for hostage, eveyday should have humor, I love it!

  1281. I love this. a friend of mine has a big ugly chicken in her yard. It has been there for years and adds a touch of insanity poolside! My husband & I got married out in her pasture & our reception was attended by……you got it the chicken. Now go buy some new towels & drape them gracefully over the chicken….”he was cold”. He He

  1282. Hey I want a 5 foot chicken!!! Sounds just like something I’d do xxx

  1283. I can totally relate to you and Victor as my husband and I fight over stupid things too! I laughed so hard…I still am chuckling and wiping tears!!! I want a 5 ft metal chicken!!!!! It’s just what my marriage needs too!!!

    Kudos to you!!

  1285. You just made my day with that story. Makes me feel a whole bunch better about the silly marital discussions I endure weekly. THANKS!

  1286. I am 9 months pregnant and this whole article nearly put me into labor – I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN! Haven’t laughed this hard in ages – still brings tears to my eyes! I have the same husband – completely and totally – I would SO do this too!

  1287. I am 9 months pregnant and this whole article nearly put me into labor – I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN! Haven’t laughed this hard in ages – still brings tears to my eyes! I have the same husband – completely and totally – I would SO do this too!

  1290. You should learn to appreciate your better half’s taste in towels. There really are some things worse than “Pink Towels”. Take the cue.

  1291. I don’t care what Victor thinks, but that chicken is awesome!
    Good job, girls! Well played!!

  1295. this is unbelievable. thank you for providing my laugh out loud fest today. I think that’s quite possibly the best spent $100 ever.

  1297. This was one of the funniest posts ever. From the shopping trip to naming her Beyonce (excellent chicken name, Laura!) and the knock, knock, motherfucker caption under the picture of a 5-foot chicken standing at your door. If Victor is against the chicken, I think you should sell postcards of Beyonce to recoup your $100 (re…coup…chickens have coups…I’m telling you Beyonce is literary GOLD.) I’d buy one in a heartbeat. I must see what I can charge from your 8 lbs. of uncut cocaine store. And I really, really, really do want that chicken.

  1298. And I was all “wanting to party with The Blogress and Laura”.

    Hilarious!!

  1300. You made me laugh so hard I had to cross my legs to keep from wetting my pants. Thank you – I needed that!

  1301. Thank you SO MUCH for the story and for buying that chicken. How gorgeous and outrageous it is! I can’t wait to share this with my sweetie and let him know what he is getting in 14 years…..
    =)

  1302. Seriously, Joshua (comment #949), and Frank F. (comments #1008 & #1009), you need to re-read the post. Only this time put your spice-up-life-a-bit hat on first. That’s the spirit in which it was written.

    And Frank, I loved your unintended misstatement that “the chicken is going to harbor resentment.” Honestly, I don’t think anyone has commented on the chicken’s point of view in this story, so I’m glad you brought it up.

  1303. If I was having a bad day and that shit was at my door I would be cheered up instantly.

    You guys should rent it out. You’d make the money back in no time.

    (Please bring it to my house – we can fuck with every blogger in the DC metro area. This could keep us occupied for weeks. PLUS you could totally write off the trip if you blogged about it. I am a genius.)

  1304. This is seriously epic. Sheer brilliance. Thank you for bringing a little Beyoncé into my life.

  1305. That chicken at the front door is one of my favorite things. As in Oprah’s Favorite Things. If I were Oprah, I’d give everyone a giant chicken JUST LIKE THAT.

  1308. He should have left you and your rediculous chicken. How selfish are you?

  1309. Not married, but still laughed so hard people at work were staring. Thanks for the mid-day laugh! You. Are. Brilliant.

  1310. Hey…hate to break the news to you, but, that chicken story needs to be revised,,,ITS A FIVE FOOT METAL ROOSTER,

  1312. Literally in tears at my desk (Which is the front desk to an apartment building). This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time!! I need to have adventures like this!

  1316. Um, were we seperated at birth? That is the same stuff I pull on my hubby all of the time – though he fails to see the humor in it – meanwhile – I’m peeing my pants…………

  1318. i have to agree… i don’t know you but seriously LMAO reading this… priceless… my kind of humor and it totally reminded me of the time i forced a 6 ft half of a molded plaster halloween WITCH in my car at Christmas Tree Shop – CONVINCED my ex would think it was as AMAZING as i did… he did not – no wonder we aren’t together anymore… but there was nowhere EVER to put that witch and when i sold her at my garage sale last year i told her – YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT GOING TO LOVE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO but buy it ANYWAY!!! lol

  1320. Thank you SO very much for the best laugh EVER! I have to have me some Beyonce.

  1321. Laughed so hard I cried!! And I pretty much never do that unless I’ve stayed up late with a group of friends goofing around.

  1323. First off, this article was written quite humorously…With that being said I write the rest:

    My girlfriend made me read this. You ma’am are not the sharpest crayon in the box, are ya? Obviously your husband didn’t want anything more wasteful than your pink towels that he’s having to deal with. His point is that your taste (as far as being a married unit is concerened) is lacking and seems to be quite selfish. Just going by this one article I can see why he was in his office punching stuff. Probably not the first time either.

    More than likely when he locks the door to it to keep you out he has a picture of you up on whatever he’s punching. Luckily, my girlfriend would never do something so wasteful, selfish, and outright disrespectful. Thank God we only have arguments over silly things, but resolve them by not giving a middle finger to the other.

    So, the moral here is, pick your battles WISELY (not selfishly). I’m sure that he was only that pissed because he had been crapped on by other stunts/add decisions you had made.

  1325. it’s a goddamn Rooster – not a chicken…just saying. And BTW – i wish i had one. Maybe when i get to 15 years i will get Ben one…we already have arguements about things like…well….towels, or anything else i think we need more of.

  1326. I cannot breathe. Jesus, is this what a heart attack feels like?? No, no, it’s just me laughing so hard that I might pee myself. You and this chicken are now my two favorite things, um, pretty much ever.

  1327. OMG, if you ever want to part with one please contact me. My 15th anniversary is in August and my husband would be so happy to have a 5′ tall metal chicken! It would go well with the life size fiberglass cow & the Bob’s Big Boy in our back yard. Elliot, the cow, has been in the family well before I met my husband over 20 years ago. Bob has been with us since 1994, technically it’s only the top half of Bob. My husband wants to make a cenatur with it. we need another fiberglass cow though, as Elliot cannot be sacrificed to the Centaur gods.

    Tell Victor he’s lucky to have you . . .and Beyonce!

  1328. That is, quite simply, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time. Thank you very much for sharing.

  1329. That is, quite simply, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time. Thank you very much for sharing.

  1331. I found a link to this on Facebook and I am officially obsessed with your blog now! You made me laugh out loud at work! Thank you!

  1332. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed… This is exactly the sort of stunt I would pull. Where can I get a large chicken?

  1333. I have read this about 5 times and I laugh out loud every. single. time. Anyone who doesn’t find the humor in this need NOT comment! If you think this is for “men haters”, you clearly lack any sense of humor and therefore should keep your comments to yourself. Thanks for the great LAUGH! You’re a genius.

  1334. LMAO. Victor should be thankin’ his lucky stars he’s got you. Especially since that ain’t no chicken…it’s a COCK!

  1335. I love vendettas, and that is wholly a chicken shit way to go. 8>0……8>)…… I would have just bought a beach pail and shovel and served him dinner in it….and when he said “what the fuck?” I would have told him I was trying to keep the beach theme in the house “cohesive” and when he would continue by saying “This is fucked up” I would finish him off by saying, “Exactly”. Shalom most worthy storyteller.

  1336. I like the story. But, I can’t believe you would give the name “Beyonce” to an animal that is clearly a Rooster.

  1337. LMAO. Victor should be thankin’ his lucky stars he’s got you. Especially since that ain’t no chicken…it’s a COCK!

  1338. I made the mistake of reading this on my phone at work. I may have laughed a bit much-please dont let me be fired. But a Metal Chicken makes it all worth it.

    and the Knock Knock motherfucker made me crack up

  1339. I’m a very occasional reader of your blog. I thought the way you wrote this was hilarious, but I also cringed a little at the way it made your marriage dynamic look. And, I totally kept my mouth shut on that one, because I know there’s no way to understand the complexities of someone else’s marriage, based on a blog post. I also know that my sense of humour doesn’t run to practical jokes, never has, and never will.

    I’m so glad I got to read your reply to post number 415 (everyone says it’s #414, but it was 415 when I looked?). You and Victor obviously have a lot of fun with each other, and the fact that most of it would drive me nuts doesn’t matter. If it suits the two of you, then that’s what counts. Congratulations on 15 years of obvious hilarity…and thanks for the blog. I don’t read it all the time, but I sometimes flip to it when I’m having an unusually crappy day, and it always picks me up.

  1342. this is superb!!! I usually buy garden nomes and leave them on peoples doorsteps, but if I could find a giant chicken….now that would be the piece de resistance!!
    Fabulous. you made me laugh, big time!

  1343. When my late father was a small child, his grandfather asked him to go close the barn door, since it was getting dark. My father refused, because “There’s a boogerman out there.” My great-grandfather asked what that boogerman looked like, and he said (and I am not making this up) “It’s like a chicken made out of metal but it’s tall as a man.”

    And therefore, you have created Beyoncé the Boogerman. Congratulations.

  1344. When my late father was a small child, his grandfather asked him to go close the barn door, since it was getting dark. My father refused, because “There’s a boogerman out there.” My great-grandfather asked what that boogerman looked like, and he said (and I am not making this up) “It’s like a chicken made out of metal but it’s tall as a man.”

    And therefore, you have created Beyoncé the Boogerman.

    Congratulations.

  1345. Bwaahhhaahhh…. You go girl. You inspired me to take action IMMEDIATELY

  1346. Absolute genius. Anyone who doesn’t think this is funny need NOT comment. I’ve read it about 5 times and I laugh out loud each time. Everyone I shared it with feels the same! Keep up the good work.

  1349. This was perfect. So funny. I laughed so hard I was crying. Read it aloud to my 20 yr old son and now he’s going to his computer to share your blog w/ his friends. This is the first thing I’ve read by you, but I’ve immediately subscribed. Can’t imagine there’ll be anything here I won’t love!

  1352. You’re my hero. No seriously. You are. I admire a woman who knows when NOT buying towels is the right thing to do….

  1353. Best. Money. Ever. Spent!!!!

    that was classic – I laughed my ass of reading this and even DH found it funny. I did warn him that it could always be worse as TRUST ME when I tell you – we have had that towel discussion often (altho it could be towels, dvd’s, kids toys etc….)

    thanks for the best laugh I have had this week!

  1355. Absolutely hilarious. I’ve read it about 5 times and I laugh out loud each time. Anyone who doesn’t see the humor in this need not comment! You’re a genius.

  1356. I just had the “we need towels/we don’t need towels” argument with the hubs not two weeks ago. I finally broke down and bought some. I really wish I’d bought a giant metal chicken instead.

  1357. Lmbo. Best story ever!!! I so want to get a chicken like that and put it on my in-law ‘s front porch, ring the bell and run.

  1360. This is the best thing I have read in a long time. This is exactly my kind of humor and it had me loling all over the place.

  1361. I keep seeing this link pop up in my FB. “17 other friends have shared this link” Every time I reread this post, I still cry from laughter. Best post ever.

  1363. Oh, dear God… I haven’t laughed so hard (with tears rolling down my cheeks, no less) in a LONG time. Thanks so much for this article!!

  1365. Not funny in that you two are not compatible. Crappy tv sitcoms have taught our society that this kind of relationship is normal. It’s not. You two will break up sooner or later. It would be better to do it now so you can each find someone more compatible.

  1366. Best. Gift. Ever!!!!!!!!!

    That was by and far the funniest thing I have read in ages – mostly because I have had the same argument with my husband altho it is usually over shoes/clothes/kids toys etc…. please tell me you will rent Beyonce out!

    thanks for making my day!

  1367. Oh my God. I’m married to Victor, only his name is Jason. AND I didnt buy any more fabric like he said, I bought Horatio. 6 foot metal knight. Taller than Jason. He currently lives on our porch and I dress him up for the holidays. This makes Jason *very* happy.

  1368. I love that you bought it at Home Goods. On the other end of the spectrum, I (who generally reviles the ‘dress up your dog in cute outfit du jour trend so many celebs endorse) found a dachshund sized (actually it was cat sized, but my dachshund is smaller than my cat) rooster costume on my first trip to Home Goods. It got purchased. Dachschicken was unleashed without warning upon my parents’ Thanksgiving Dinner party. It. Was. Awesome. Home goods: For all of your Faux-ltry needs.

  1369. That chicken is the best thing I’ve ever seen. You should buy them all and then you can “have chickens” like all the hipsters are doing these days.

  1370. I laughed so hard I cried!!! One of my friends turned me onto your site – you have a new fan!!! Thank you!

  1371. That chicken is the best thing ever. You should buy them all so you can “have chickens” like all the hipsters are doing these days.

  1372. Thanks for this post it made my day. I had already been having a good day until this and I have to say that it was the icing on my cake. All the while I was reading about your giant chicken/rooster/cock I was thinking of my best friend. So hilarious. I think she would have died laughing at having the giant thing on her door step. I know I would have been.

    I still haven’t read all the comments which I hope to tackle sometime today.

  1373. i completely found this link on fb and i’m loving your site. this post was so funny, but at the same time you’re definitely right about choosing your battles, lol. i can’t get over the huge chicken. this is something i’d do myself, LMFAO

  1374. Best. Gift. Ever!!!!!!!!!

    That was by and far the funniest thing I have read in ages – mostly because I have had the same argument with my husband altho it is usually over shoes/clothes/kids toys etc…. please tell me you will rent Beyonce out!

    thanks for making my day!

  1377. I want one!!! You’re giving me some creative ideas for annoying my husband, who probably doesn’t understand the sheer beauty of giant metal chickens.

  1378. Ok…so, thank you very much, I’m now stuck in your blog-hole and have been reading [literally] everything you’ve written — my sides ache from laughing, my co-workers are giving me dirty looks, and I now sound like a wheezing old woman who has smoked for 150 years, not to mention the tears running down my face [which is one of the reasons I am glad boys don’t {usually} wear eye makeup], and oh, that project-I-was-working-on-that-was-due-tomorrow? I think I’ll be a cohort in insomnia tonight trying to power through it.

    in closing…thank you for your blog. I wish you were closer — I think we might cause a lot of trouble together.

    ps — take it easy on Victor, he probably had no idea what he was getting himself into. — boys are typically not that aware of things… 🙂

  1379. Ok…so, thank you very much, I’m now stuck in your blog-hole and have been reading [literally] everything you’ve written — my sides ache from laughing, my co-workers are giving me dirty looks, and I now sound like a wheezing old woman who has smoked for 150 years, not to mention the tears running down my face [which is one of the reasons I am glad boys don’t {usually} wear eye makeup], and oh, that project-I-was-working-on-that-was-due-tomorrow? I think I’ll be a cohort in insomnia tonight trying to power through it.

    in closing…thank you for your blog. I wish you were closer — I think we might cause a lot of trouble together.

    ps — take it easy on Victor, he probably had no idea what he was getting himself into. — boys are typically not that aware of things… 🙂

  1380. Hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time. Way to go!

  1381. Oh. My. God. I love you. I wish I could do things like this every day. And one time I fell in love with an iron giraffe yard sculpture – life size, mind you – and actually stood there trying to figure out if I could make a payment plan work, I loved it so much.
    You are my hero. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.

  1383. I am seriously in love with this blog – can’t believe I just now found it (via Beyonce posted on a friend’s FB wall). So glad I did, though. You are hilarious! I went to see my mom at lunch and made her read it with me. Both of us were laughing so hard, we were crying.

    All of these idiots criticizing you need to get a life ANDd a sense of humor. By the way, my boyfriend of 11 years calls me Chicken, and now I must have one of these! This also totally sounds like something one of us would do to the other. Great stuff! Keep on, Jenny – you’re awesome!

  1384. I am seriously in love with this blog – can’t believe I just now found it (via Beyonce posted on a friend’s FB wall). So glad I did, though. You are hilarious! I went to see my mom at lunch and made her read it with me. Both of us were laughing so hard, we were crying.

    All of these idiots criticizing you need to get a life ANDd a sense of humor. By the way, my boyfriend of 11 years calls me Chicken, and now I must have one of these! This also totally sounds like something one of us would do to the other. Great stuff! Keep on, Jenny – you’re awesome!

  1388. Thank you, thank you, THANK you. I haven’t laughed like that since I read “I am better than your kids”…or found out about the Japanese song and video “Yatta!” Kudos!

  1389. an amazing gift wish i had of come up with it myself only thing i could think of to make it better is to add it someway in a smaller version for every holiday a chicken holiday.

  1390. This is hilarious! Who the hell does he think he is telling you not to buy more towels? I bet he uses the towels you buy to dry his wet ass! This is the best of “you did not just tell me what I can and cannot buy just now, did you?” stories ever! It totally made me lmao!

  1392. I have never laughed so hard reading a blog in my laugh. I seriously have tears running down my face and I am sooooo going to share this for my friends to read too. I love the whole “pick your battles” theme because it is so true!! Thanks for the laugh.

  1393. This is just brilliant. You are a soul sister….. My girlfriends and I may invite you over. 🙂
    We’ve determined that there are two types of people in this world. People that think farts are funny and those that don’t. I’m sad for you that Victor may fall in that later of the two categories.

  1397. This is some of the funniest shit I have read in a long time!! This sounds just like something my firiend Julie and I would do and your husband sounds like mine. I love the caption on the picture. Thanks for being real. You are my new FAV, because you have the biggest Cock of them all…lol.

  1398. You are my new favorite human being. I would totally buy something like a 5-foot chicken solely on the recommendation of a really drunk person.

  1399. I LOVE this chicken. Please, please could you send him to Brooklyn to ring my doorbell? I would just about die to see my police officer fiance open the door to find a 5 foot, metal chicken staring back at him. Bwah-hahaha!

  1401. I. was. shocked. by. the. chicken. I truly was. I stared and then laughed my head off for 5 minutes… at least! Then I shared it with anyone who would look. What a killer *funny* blog post this is. This post has absolutely brightened my day. Thanks for sharing this with us! Power to the chickens. lol

  1402. LOVE THIS – and now I want one. I sent this to my husband asking one for my birthday, I think it will look good next the the pantry so I can high five the chicken on the way to get wine.

  1403. LOVE IT! So fabulous! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I’m crying!

  1405. Tears! I have tears running down my face and into my mouth and all over my jaw and, ewww, I’m just so not attractive right now!

    Please please please don’t ever get rid of Beyonce. Unless you put her on someone else’s doorstep. And the rocks to discourage burglars!!! OMG, PRICELESS!!!

  1406. you know what I love about you? Everything! Thanks (once again) for making my day. (and also making me feel a little less insane) Victor is a lucky man indeed.

  1407. My wife made me read this, as a husband I find this god damn hilarious. This rocks. My wife and I would totally do this to each other.

  1408. Please write a book. And PLEASE name it “Knock, Knock, Motherfucker” with that wonderful picture of Beyonce at the door as the cover. I have never laughed so hard at a blog/book/magazine, EVER. I even read all 1018 comments because I figured followers of your blog would have quite the senses of humor. I was not disappointed! I was led to the link by a FB post and prompty shared it on my page as well. The next time my husband of 6 years and I have a fight, I will think to myself “knock, knock, Motherfucker” and hopefully giggle myself out of a funky mood. Thanks for the laugh!!!!!!

  1409. Old ladies shouldn’t laugh this much. Almost wet my pants. Funiest thing I have seen in a while.

  1410. OMG!!! Loved it. Great story…I would love to come across a giant metal chicken just to mess with my husband, although he would laugh…eventually. 🙂

  1411. OH MY GOD, this is hilarious! This is the first time I’ve read your blog and I love it.

  1412. OMG! Our 29th anniversary is next month and I am thinkin this may be just the ticket, where did you buy Beyonce?

  1413. Jenny,

    Even your responses to comments are funny…read #285 and yours 286,,,,love your humor…

  1414. Very funny! My kind of humour. But it wasn’t you – Victor needed to chill. It wasn’t worth getting upset over. Its a chicken – not a 200 lb bag of horse manure!

  1415. Jenny,

    Even your responses to comments are funny…read #285 and yours 286,,,,love your humor…my daughter turned me on to your blog….great.

  1416. You should write a book of your adventures. Name it “Knock, Knock, Motherfu*#ker.” I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in all my life over something I’ve read. I even read all the comments because I thought your readers might have great senses of humor as well. With a few exceptions, I was not disappointed. Too funny. Next time my husband and I fight, I am going to picture Beyonce, think to myself “knock, knock, motherfu#*er,” and hopefully giggle myself out of anger. Thanks for the laughs!

  1419. That was hysterical! Thanks for the laugh… I really needed that today! 🙂 Happy 15th!

  1420. Write again when the divorce happens; both of you seem too immature to stay married for the long haul.

  1421. My first time here thanks to a FB friend. Laughing out loud and I have my husband and son wondering what is so funny. I’m not usually a blog follower, but will be sending this to my sister-in-law’s sister as a compliment to both of you.

    I have only known two other men to tell their women they “forbid” something to happen. Each of those times has ended with the women doing exactly what was forbidden.

    Best wishes on your blog! I really think we all need new jobs so we can all afford to write off giant 5 foot metal chickens. Until then, this is much cheaper than hiring a therapist! Thanks for the laugh and thanks for sharing the joy in your marriage!

  1422. Dude that chicken is epic. I want one for my birthday. Which is on Monday if anyone happens to be feeling generous and live in the same country as me…

  1423. Dude that chicken is epic. I want one for my birthday. Which is on Monday if anyone happens to be feeling generous and live in the same country as me…

  1424. is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised.

    And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels 😉

  1425. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This totally made my day. I laughed so hard I cried, then carried the laptop in to my mother-in-law, who laughed so hard she cried. And then we wouldn’t let father-in-law read it… 🙂 This totally changed my mood! 🙂

  1426. is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

    And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels 😉

  1427. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! THANK YOU!!!! I am a breast cancer patient, and I had chemotherapy this morning. I was sitting in my chair when I read your blog. I was laughing so hard I cried, and read it out loud to the other patients and nurses in the area. THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS! I so want to be that funny, and bring home a big chicken to my hubby someday!

  1428. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! THANK YOU!!!! I am a breast cancer patient, and I had chemotherapy this morning. I was sitting in my chair when I read your blog. I was laughing so hard I cried, and read it out loud to the other patients and nurses in the area. THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS!

  1429. is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus look at all the money you saved, 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

    And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels 😉

  1430. is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus look at all the money you saved, 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

    And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels 😉

    if this ever posts sorry if their are duplicates. I only seem to get errors, never a confirmation 🙁

  1431. Victor should have been grateful..after all, you did buy him a bigger cock.

  1432. Nice house. Hope you get a photo of it to remember it by when Victor has had enough of your bullshit and kicks your dumb ass out.

  1434. This is so funny, I CANNOT stop laughing about it, thanks for making my day start with a hysterical laugh!

  1436. ….Sigh… *wipe tear from eye*….Now that I have recovered from the laughing fit, that is AWESOME! You are my kind of girl.

  1437. That is better than the time I traded my husbands manly Stanley lunchbox for an adam ant one!!!

    Thanks so fricken much. I want one.

  1438. “That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it.” It’s true. Chickens are WELL known for holding grudges. Beyonce is NEVER going to let Victor forget.

  1440. This was amazing.

    I’m laughing so hard in my office right now…co-workers are shutting their office doors.

    Reminds me of when my Mom went to a craft fair years ago and brought home life-size Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. In wicker, of course.

    She set it on the front porch and waited for my Dad to open the door. When he did, he looked at them silently. Then said, “Well, they can stay but they can’t stay IN the house”. LMAO

  1441. This was amazing.

    I’m laughing so hard in my office right now…co-workers are shutting their office doors.

    Reminds me of when my Mom went to a craft fair years ago and brought home life-size Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. In wicker, of course.

    She set it on the front porch and waited for my Dad to open the door. When he did, he looked at them silently. Then said, “Well, they can stay but they can’t stay IN the house”. LMAO

  1442. Considering you’ve been married for fifteen years, Victor doesn’t know you at all. Does he even read your blog?! As soon as I saw he drew the line on bath towels, I knew he was going to be very, very sorry.

  1443. I am DYING laughing…so so funny. I think I’ll keep this trick in mind next time I need a laugh. LOVE it…thanks for sharing your chicken story. Now I want one.

  1444. That is pantswettingly hilarious. I am crying and thanking God that I did my Kegels faithfully, or I’d need a new couch….

  1445. OMG this was the funniest thing I have ever read! Love the Beyonce chicken vs towels hehehe

  1446. I appreciate my husband even more after reading about Victor. Maybe you should build him a chicken coop. You could put him and the chicken in it.

  1447. Brilliant! Simply brilliant!! I wish my girlfriend had this same sense of humor.

  1448. Think of the amazing comments this will make in your future. If you ever get divorced and the bird goes with you in the future you hubby can say “Well, I used to have a 5’cock, but my wife got it in the settlement”

    As your sex life dwindles you can tell your therapist, “our sex life went down hill about the time the cock got rusty”

  1449. Oh Jenny, thank you so much. I am sitting here giggling so much that I am crying.
    This is definitely up there with Sir James Garfield. Maybe some Beyonce chicken cards for thanksgiving?

  1450. Your story is hilarious, I would have loved to see the Salesperson with the “chicken” I have been married 30 years and this has topped anything I have done. But alas… I must tell you, Beyonce’ is a Rooster.. nice cock

  1452. Myhusband yelled at me over washing his laundry, so I bought a cat he refused to let me have for 10 years. He doesn’t yell much about anything anymore. Guess who cares for the cat? Him, exactly. When he’s not being sweet I tell him he needs a dog 😉

  1453. New reader here… I’ve read it 3 times and can’t stop laughing and crying!!! I will be a new follower for life… can’t wait to catch up on your previous posts, and see more new ones <3

  1454. I can see the humor there, as long as you intended to return the chicken all along. But if it was for keeps, that’s a horrible waste of money. Why don’t you save up your money and go on a nice vacation with your husband instead of pissing it away in in trinkets?

  1455. You are one awesome lady–One of the BEST get-backs ever! You have learned so much in such a short time ( I’m married over 30 years) I am very proud to pass the mantle of perfect wife-revenge to YOU!

  1456. Funny how most of the females think spending a bunch of money to piss off the s.o. is funny, and most of the guys don’t see the humor in it.

  1457. Funny how most of the females think spending a bunch of money to piss off the s.o. is funny, and most of the guys don’t see the humor in it.

  1458. The giant metal chicken is funny, but did your husband really scream and lock himself in his office and “punch things?” How old is your husband, 13?

  1461. I have never read your blog until now. I’m hooked. Thanks for the much needed chicks and giggles.

  1463. My friend Kelly sent this to me saying, this is for Mo. I go thru this same struggle w/ my husband…dont ever buy anything…Almost all of my fun stuff is out in the garage after moving in with him over 3 years ago. he would PLOTZ if i bought a giant chicken and placed it well within his eyesite..
    Love it , Mean it. I am a fan

  1464. I’m a guy, named VICTOR, and I thought this was some truly funny stuff. The Victor in question sounds like an asshole.

  1467. I tried reading this outloud to my boyfriend, and I don’t know that he got to experience the true esscence of the story since a lot of words were replaced with snorting and chortling and an occasional declaration of “I’m about to pee my pants.”

  1468. Thank you for making my anniversary liveable! That is a beautifully awesome adventure. It brought tears of joy to my eyes. 🙂

  1469. The only thing NOT funny about this is that now if I come across a giant rooster in Home Goods I’ll feel obligated to buy it whereas I never would have before. AND I live in Texas. My husband will be thrilled! (And, for the record, this is the kind of crap we do to each other all the time and our marriage is awesome, thankyouvermuch).

  1470. This is the funniest thing I ever read. I love to do this kind of stuff…you have inspired me to go big! Very Big

    Kushan

  1471. My MIL seems to have a thing for birds with hats. She will buy bird tchochkes, bring them home, and festoon them with a chapeau.

    I think she NEEDS to own this large rusty metal chicken. She’s on her own with the hat, though.

    Off to find me a Home Goods store…

    LOVE!

  1472. I spit out my drink when I got to the photo of Beyonce at the front door. Holy mother.

    One of the funniest blog posts ever. I shared this on FB and everyone else I know has re-shared it. This is GOLD.

  1473. I tried to read this outloud to my boyfriend, but between the chortling, snorting and occasional declaration of “I’m going to pee my effing pants!” I’m not sure that he was able to appeciate the true esscence of a five-foot chicken named Beyonce. I especially lost it at “stand back ‘because this chicken will cut you.'”

  1474. You have set me up for quite the interesting quandary. How do I explain to my 21 month old that clutching your sides while bent over, crying hysterically and gasping “Oh my god, I can’t stop! Oh my god, make it stop!” is a GOOD thing?

  1475. Crying…. can’t breathe… so funny…so true…Chicken Down! OMG!!

  1476. I tried to read this outloud to my boyfriendI tried to read this outloud to my boyfriend, but between the chortling, snorting and occasional declaration of “I’m going to pee my effing pants!” I’m not sure that he was able to appeciate the true esscence of a five-foot chicken named Beyonce. I especially lost it at “stand back ‘because this chicken will cut you.'”

  1477. Original Comment: You have set me up for quite the interesting quandary. How do I explain to my 21 month old that clutching your sides while doubled over crying hysterically and gasping: “Oh my god, I can’t stop. Oh my god, make it stop!” is a good thing?

    Comment on that comment: I clicked “submit” and got a very long and tedious error message. Taking a page from your book, I hit the refresh button, hoping my comment would magically reappear. It was witty and I liked it. I then got a message from you saying “You’re posting comments too fast. Slow down.” Ummm, I haven’t even posted ONE yet, but thanks. Now I am copying all this in case it shits the bed again 🙂

  1480. Saw your blog on Facebook and had to instantly post it myself! Made my day 🙂 (and now I want a freaky metal chicken)

  1481. This is the first thing I’ve ever read on your blog and I’m already hooked. You’ve earned a coveted spot on my bookmark toolbar, right beside all the sites I click on every single day at least once if not 2 or 10 or 20 times. Congratulations, for whatever that’s worth. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  1482. As someone who collects flamingos — in every imaginable form — and some not-so-imaginable, I could especialy appreciate this.

  1483. This is the first thing I’ve ever read on your blog and I’m already hooked. You’ve earned a coveted spot on my bookmark toolbar, right beside all the sites I click on every single day at least once if not 2 or 10 or 20 times. Congratulations, for whatever that’s worth. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  1484. As usual, I am CRYING laughing as I read this! “IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY!” is an awesome quote. I’m going to embroider it onto a pillow! And the picture of the chicken standing at your front do is the Best. Picture. EVER. Love ya, Jen!!
    xoxo

  1486. … just read this to my husband and he didn’t laugh like I did – in fact, he didn’t laughed at all, but he did say, that it was the type of thing that I would do !!! wah ha ha – it is as well !

    I however, think that Beyonce the transvestite chicken-cock story is just about the funniest thing that I have ever read, and I’m passing it on to all the gals I know !

  1487. My only laugh today… and all week. If the chicken was wearing a towel, I might have peed. Thanks for the cluck!

  1489. This is too doggone funny!!! My husband needs a lesson like this!

  1490. This is too doggone funny!!! My husband needs a lesson like this!

  1491. That cock is Hilarious and I’m calling all the Home Goods in Las Vegas looking for one as I sit here with tears streaming down my face from laughing. I want it for my Balcony that overlooks a parking lot and I will be adding light up eyes if I find one. I want to spook my neighbors witha 5′ Cock!

  1492. Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window…has be laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what his anniversary present to you is. Perhaps towels???

  1493. I’m so torn (like, little chicken or big chicken torn) because I want my wife to see this, yet…I know I would strangle her and wrap her in crappy bath towels if she brought home a giant ass chicken. I think I’m going to go with letting her know she should google 5′ metal chicken and Victor and if she can find it, fine.

  1494. Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window…has be laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what his anniversary present to you is. Perhaps towels???

  1495. Have you noticed that most of the guys who commented have no sense of humor about this whatsoever…and all of us women are laughing our asses off? I love it. It’s like a modern-day Aesop’s fable with the moral that men shouldn’t make dictatorial edicts about how money is spent…especially if their wives contribute to the bank account.

  1496. I have tears streaming down my face. No wonder this page wouldn’t load for me yesterday. EVERYONE on the Internet was on here laughing and commenting.
    I bow to you. And I thought the 3 foot tall cowboy hat wearing frog playing a guitar that I found was a necessity…. now I must find myself a 5 foot chicken as well.

  1497. I just wanted to thank you for making me laugh until I nearly cried/peed/choked simultaneously. Seriously, this made my day.

  1498. WHO made that fabulous chicken?
    My softball team is named Chicken Mafia and we need one for a mascot STAT.
    Especially a chicken that will cut a bitch.

  1499. You made me laugh, and then when I thought the laughing was done, your reply comments cracked me up all over again.

    That was the first one of your posts that I’ve ever read (talk about coming late to the party), and now I get to discover the rest of your blog. Yay! 😀

  1500. Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window has me laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what he buys you for your anniversary present. Perhaps towels???

  1501. This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

    I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

    I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

  1503. This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

    I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

    I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

  1505. This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

    I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

    I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

  1508. OMG I laughed so hard!! this chicken will cut you HAHAHAH… how do I become a “friend” or whatever I have to do to get notified of new hilarious stories? This is awesome… so posting this story to my facebook :o)

  1509. OMG! The biggest laughs I have had in forever!!!
    Priceless and you, blogger dear, deserve a fricken medal!
    I am sooooooooo getting a big, fricken chicken next time I
    want towels or, shoes or, anything that improves my quality
    of life ever so slightly. I can’t wait for my next shopping trip!
    I love you blog lady! And, everything that used to be freeking,
    freakin’, or f@*%ing, is now and forever officially “fricken”!
    Thank you for such a great , great laugh!!
    Trixie, in fricken Maryland

  1510. OMG! The biggest laughs I have had in forever!!!
    Priceless and you, blogger dear, deserve a fricken medal!
    I am sooooooooo getting a big, fricken chicken next time I
    want towels or, shoes or, anything that improves my quality
    of life ever so slightly. I can’t wait for my next shopping trip!
    I love you blog lady! And, everything that used to be freeking,
    freakin’, or f@*%ing, is now and forever officially “fricken”!
    Thank you for such a great , great laugh!!
    Trixie, in fricken Maryland

  1511. That chicken is a STEAL at $100! I would totally have gotten it even though then I would have had no place to put it except in the yard. But then my ridiculously clumsy dogs would have cut themselves on the chicken’s sharp pointy edges 1,000 times which would have ended up costing me a fortune in vet bills. Although I suppose the chicken could have lived in our front yard with the bird my great uncle made out of a shovel (“Yard Bird”). But then I think our HOA might fine us.

    No matter how you look at it, I think that chicken would have ended up costing me more than $100.

  1512. I am reading this over and over again and I am laughing harder each time. “That chicken has a shiv.” LOL! LOVE.

  1519. Where did you purchase this? I desperately need this shiv-wielding chicken in my life!

  1521. You should have all your credit cards taken away and never be allowed to make another purchase again. It’s people like you that gives them the reason to keep sending this stupid shit from over seas.

  1522. Freaking hilarious! LOL’ing at work. “It will cut you” Love it!

  1524. You should have all your credit cards taken away and never be allowed to make another purchase again. It’s people like you that gives them the reason to keep sending this stupid shit from over seas.

  1527. OMG – my 14yr old thinks I have gone round the bend. I laughed so hard I cried! Best thing I have read in a long time, best laugh I have had all day!

  1528. hilarious! This is the first time i’ve read your blog and that was a very funny story. thank you for sharing.

  1529. hilarious! This is the first time i’ve read your blog and that was a very funny story. thank you for sharing.

  1532. This is making me die in laughter. I’m silently crying. At work. While I should be working. Thank you for this.

  1537. Have been sharing this with girlfriends and they are pissing themselves with laughter. Got my husband to read it and surprise apparently I’ve married Victor. Not even a smirk. just an eye roll and a unhunh. But I know he’s nervous – cause it’s the sort of thing I’d do and our 15th anniversary is just ’round the corner.

  1539. In all seriousness, my husband bought me this same chicken for Christmas… and nothing else. Really – nothing else – just a metal chicken. And it wasn’t even 5′ tall. Only 1′. I mean if you’re going to buy your wife a scrap metal cock for Christmas at least make it a big one.

  1540. I, for one, think Victor will eventually learn to love Beyonce and you did exactly the right thing by carefully positioning her in his view. Soon, Victor will go back to the store and buy Beyonce a sister, or brother…. You might end up with a whole chicken family in your backyard.

  1541. That is AWESOME! It’s so something me and my friend Chrissy would do. I laughed so hard at this I cried.

  1543. I JUST has the “we need to buy towels/we don’t any more damn towels” argument with the hubby. I bought the towels. I wish I’d bought a giant metal chicken.

  1544. This is exactly the kind of thing that I would do to my husband (or anyone unpleasant who thinks they are in charge)

  1545. Hilarious! I had a tiny metal dog named Spike with tiny testicles, but alas he was stolen 🙁 I think a 5 foot chicken would be much more secure from neighborhood hooligans.

  1549. mlaiuppa (#891) all 5-foot cocks have that problem. 🙂

    My husband and I have been saying “knock knock” all day, have to leave off the last bit since the kids are in earshot, but we both giggle nonetheless.

    I am SOOO buying the next chicken I see!

  1550. That is awesome! I just showed this to my best girlfriend and we laughed until we cried. The best part is that we could have a shopping trip exactly like this one. And we sort of did, only it was the pink yard flamingoes. 🙂

  1552. Someone posted this on their facebook page. I haven’t ever read this blog before but am now thrilled to have it in my life! I laughed out loud more than I’ve ever laughed out loud at printed text. I shared it on my wall and everyone is dying. I had my husband read it. He shook his head and said “that’d be something YOU’D do.”
    win.

  1553. I only hope Victor is adult enough not to reciprocate the same childishness when you tell him he can’t buy something he needs or wants.

  1554. OMG! This was the most hilarious blog post I’ve ever read in my life! I was literally laughing out loud and now I want a big metal chicken for when my husband and I have a disagreement. I tried to relate this epic blog post to my husband but he didn’t see the humour in it. Meanwhile I keel over laughing every time I think of it! LOL I’ve now saved your blog as one of my homepage tabs LOL

  1555. I’m disappointed I haven’t found your blog sooner. A woman after my own heart, I would do the same, and my husband would act exactly like Victor! lol. Thanks for making me realize we’re not the only married couple that acts this way!

  1557. Thanks for the laugh, I even cried. One of my yoga moms posted your link on her facebook. I am not a blog reader but after reading this, you are now on my favorites tab. You are a girl after my own heart.

    Looking forward to your future posts!

  1558. All I want to know is how did you not pee your pants laughing getting it set up at the door??? Totally hilarious!!! I SO needed to see this today!

  1559. That was a great story, never read your blog before. Lot’s of laughs, but isn’t that a rooster? I will be back for more laughs…..and at this point could use one of my own.

  1560. Maybe the wife should get a job so she can buy whatever she wants without any drama. This isn’t even funny. It’s actually pretty sad that a married woman would waste her husbands hard earned money during these tough economic times.

  1561. OMG, that is the most fucking brilliant thing I have read in a long time. MWA HA HA HA HA!

    I have four years to find a metal chicken for my 15th anniversary.

  1562. I so need that laugh today. Thanks. Maybe I should show this to my husband and he will relent and get me start putting gnomes in the backyard. OR I am going to find a giant chicken. Maybe I will buy the chicken to guard the gnomes.

  1563. I just have to thank you for making my wife’s attempts to drive me crazy seem so ineffective. Well, they’re NOT ineffective, but they are at least amateurish by comparison. I love her. I think that’s the problem. Must be Victor’s prolem.

  1565. Firstly, this is superb – Thank you!

    Second, when I saw the “Knock knock Motherfucker” I immediately thought perhaps it was a ‘Thankskilling’ reference, but in further reading decided that MF was commonplace… (it is a great word).

    Anyhoo – I’m pretty certain that with one-thousand-and-who-the-fuck-can-count comments, you may never read this.. However, if you have any predilection for awful ‘B’ horror films – “Thankskilling” is about as campy as they come. (And they know it, no one actually tries to act in this movie) It’s about a foul mouthed puppet turkey that kills a bunch of college students on Thanksgiving break. His catchphrase: “Gobble Gobble Motherfucker!”

    So, perhaps if you are looking for inane shit to do during an insomnia stricken night – you can check it on Netflix or YouTube. It’s quite terrible.

    Again, thank you. This story (and the rest of your blog) is phenomenal and has made all our days’…

  1566. You totally made the right call in buying the chicken…I once passed up the opportunity to buy a weird cinchy hooded running shirt and claw hand gloves (there were 2 large fingers instead of the traditional 5) that, combined, would have made a perfect scary monster outfit, and I’ve been kicking myself since.

  1569. We recently drove by a home and garden store, and I can’t tell you how tickled I was with the 6-ft.-long 3-ft.-tall concrete pig they had fetchingly displayed at the entrance. But now that I understand the pig’s real value, and what it can bring to my marriage, I’m beyond excited! Please, please, please–could I name it Beyonce as a tribute to you???

  1570. The caption could have been slightly improved if it had been “knock knock motherclucker”

  1572. Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and this has brightened my day as much as that Chicken brightened yours.

  1574. Just about tee-teed myself on this one. This would be something my best friend and I would do. Beyonce’ looks like the old Kellogg’s rooster.

  1577. stop saying “and I was all…” “and she was all…” you sound like a stupid 11 year old.

  1578. It’s a shame that so many commentors are encouraging you and laughing because they think you sure got him good. IT takes away from the fact that you used financial irresponsibility to antagonize the situation from bad to worse. If this is the sort of disregard you show him all the time, your poor husband…

  1579. seriously brilliant. had the ‘no sound coming out but tears running down my face from laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe’ thing goin on… totally brilliant and i want you for my new best friend. but not in a weird stalker way of course.

  1580. That was TOTALLY funny! I laughed til I cried!
    Thank you thank you thank you!

  1581. Tell Victor I’m ready whenever he wants to get drunk and talk about hens.

    (Although I am LMFAOROFL)

  1583. Love Chickens…Love you! You had me at Knock Knock Motherfucker…and now I am yours forever! Where the hell is that “follow” button. Oh and Im posting this to my fb….Pure Genius

  1587. Best laugh of the day, I love you and I really want that chicken! Where can I get one?!!

  1588. OK – I don’t know you, have never read your blog, and I am so happy my friend forwarded me this post because Oh Good Golly this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Well played.

  1589. This is hysterical! You’re a fantastic writer. It’s my first time visiting your blog, but you’re my new favourite. I’m off to read everything you’ve ever written now… 😀

  1590. I was reading this in the library because a friend had posted the link on Facebook. I snorted out loud and was in tears when my kids found me. My daughter read out loud to us in the car on our way to eat dinner and I laughed again. Great story!

  1593. does the chicken come with batteries? wouldn’t need the hubby then 🙂

  1594. This is hilarious. thank you very much for sharing this story. Not only should everyone have a 5 foot revenge chicken, but it reminded me very forcefully and pleasantly of my late mother and her best friend. thank you for a great laugh at the end of the day.

  1596. Inspirational!!!
    Oh how I WISH I had done this to my ex-husband back when we were married!
    An absolute riot!
    LOVE IT!!!!

  1597. Love it! You are after a person after my heart. I did the same thing with a Flamingo one year for our anniversary. He pitched a fit, so being much smaller than your “Cock”, I planted it in the dirt with a potted plant in our main bathroom. He never went in there again. LOL

  1598. I loved this! I can totally see myself & my best friend doing the exact same thing – except we would probably be the drunk ones that bought the first one. 😉

  1599. I am laughing so loud, my DD just came and shut the door between the living room and my office. SO FUNNY!!

  1600. LOVE it!!!! I would so do that if I found a 5′ chicken..actually I bought a 3.5′ tall concrete cow from my neighbors and then made hubby roll it home on a dolly…all 800 (or so) pounds of it…down the road from next door….and all because he told me I couldn’t spend any money and he was too chicken to request a refund from the neighbor and too cheap to just eat the money

  1601. First time visitor…but certainly won’t be the last time! Loved this, love your sense of humor. 😀 Just followed you on Twitter too. Thanks for the giggles!

  1602. Oh my goodness…I can’t stop laughing. My husband and children are sound asleep and the house is filled with my laughter. I am cracking up as I type this. Time to share this with my friends on FB. Thanks for this AWESOME post … sounds like something my husband and his coworkers do … I woke up to a giant freaking paper mache acorn one time. It was was as tall as my dining room table. Then my husband comes home with the worlds biggest stuffed animal tied to his bumper … not realizing it until hours after he is home. HA HA HA HA I love this kind of stuff. Thanks for posting!!!!!

  1604. Hi, a friend of mine sent me your link for this blog and made my whole day. I laughed so hard and then I read it to my mom who does not particularly like the F word and she laughed so hard. I would love to share your link on my facebook page so my friends and family there can enjoy this as well. I would use your direct link so people would come to your site to read it. I wanted to get your permission first.
    I imagine I’ll be up late tonight reading more of your blog. Very enjoyable and thanks for sharing and giving us all a good laugh.
    Laurie

  1605. Gosh, I just celebrated my 15th anniversary yesterday. Too bad they weren’t selling them in Canada.
    We should send the chicken around the world for a week long visit at each stop and sticker it each time. Then what would the UPS guy say?

  1606. I am crying and snorting so hard I can barely breathe, barely read the second half of the post and I think I relocated my floating rib.

    Best. Post. EVAR!!!!

    I love Beyonce!!

  1607. This is seriously awesome! I don’t know if you have ever read cracked.com articles, but this is right up their alley! I laughed soooo hard! I need a Beyonce for myself…. Or my big 15! 🙂

  1609. OMG Eric I Already almost peed my pants reading the blog,then to read your post,I had to run to the bathroom HA HA.This is the best blog ever.

  1610. Really? My name is Victor. I like to roast free range chickens! Hah!
    And I’ve been married for over 30 years – though to three different women.

  1611. Thank you for providing me with ammunition every time my boyfriend says “Well, the towels/pillows/sheets/cutlery/etc. we have now are ‘perfectly good.'” He even read this post and laughed, knowing full well he could be a ‘Victor’ as early as tomorrow.

    Now, all I have to do is say, sternly, “FIVE FOOT CHICKEN,” and I will have no guilt about buying something to replace (or add to) something that is ‘perfectly good,’ but not as cool as new stuff in a store.

    Also, it appears this post has gone viral. Congrats. Because this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

  1612. I READ THIS TO MY HUSBAND ONLY TO GET A BLANK STARE BACK (like i was discussing the concept of indoor plumbing)…..NOW’S THAT FOR IRONY METAL CHICKENS FOR EVERYONE!!!

  1613. Thank You!!! This is the first blog I’ve ever read – don’t think I’ll ever read another one! No way to top this! My exact words to my husband when he told me 7 months ago he was moving out Because of a bunch of petty little shit – pick your battles! Where or where can I get one of these chickens? I can’t tell you the last time I actually laughed out loud! I SO needed it! 🙂

  1614. Hey! Now you can ask people if they want to see Victor’s Giant Cock when they come over…. DO IT! DO IT NOW!

  1615. I adored your story and could picture myself being you in that store. I have always wanted to own a giant something. That chicken is a very original design and you could have very well made him famous by now. I think since he had a tag around his neck that said “Clearance”, you should have named him “Clarence”, but that is just my opinion.

  1617. What a dipshit. You intentionally wasted $100, and purposefully disrespected, insulted, and pissed off your husband in the name of a cheap laugh for you and your friend?
    Fuck lady, you’re a bitch.

  1618. OMG! This is the most hysterical thing I have read in forever! Thank you for the best laugh I have had in so long and I laugh alot!

  1619. You are the reason some husbands beat their wives

  1621. OMG, I just found myself in the middle of a huge battle (not of my making , I swear) and I finally had to pull the plug. Your post came at precisely the right time. I SO want a metal chicken!

  1622. OMG too funny! So now I know the answer to why did the chicken cross the road, (so she didn’t have to buy towels!) lol So what are you having for anniversary dinner? Chicken? Or are you eating crow!

  1623. Goddamned. Fucking. Psychotic. Bitch.

    Hope Victor dumps your ass for something better.

  1625. I loved that blog entry! I was totally laughing out loud so many times! Thanks for that!

  1626. HAHAHA I love it! I told my husband to come read it, and all he said was “i can’t believe she spent $100 on a chicken!” Men just don’t get it.

  1627. 1. This blog is your gainful employment/place of business/job.
    2. Beyonce was necessary for the production of this work.
    3. YOU CAN WRITE OFF THE PURCHASE ON YOUR TAXES AND SHOW VICTOR.

    Happy Anniversary, this was a wonderful story. I died laughing.

  1628. seriously brilliant. had the ‘no sound coming out but tears running down my face from laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe’ thing goin on… totally brilliant and i want you for my new best friend. but not in a weird stalker way of course.

  1630. I laughed, I cried and laughed again. This is great… You have to appreciate Victor – If I had brought this home to my husband he would’ve appreciated the wackiness of it all and it would not’ve been near as funny as Victor’s reaction! I say you go with your idea for cheering your friends up… who could possibly be down with a 5′ chicken standing at their front door?

  1634. My dad has had one of those for years! My mom actually bought it for him– this one person in town has decided to sell stuff like this out of their front yard & my dad drove by it every day wanting it. He finally stopped & asked how much and it was like $600! He decided that that was just too much, even though he was in love with it. It’s that same strange infatuation you suddenly get with NEEDING that chicken in your life! A few months later it was still there and my mom bought it for his birthday or something for a ‘deal’ at around $200 because he’d been talking about that stupid chicken for the better part of a year!
    FYI- he has it anchored to the ground with some rebar I believe. Even then, it has fallen & the poor tail isn’t doing so well anymore.

  1635. treat a marriage as a contest, or battle, and you treat it with disrespect. i dont meant you dont have to have humour, but I fail to find why so many think it’s great to piss off their spouse… or waste money. Maybe see someone about the shop-a-holic issues. hubby and I are at 8 years marriage, and I’ve bought him some funny gifts over the years, but the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.

  1639. Absolutely funny! Read for the first time the other day & sent to my husband. His reply “Yeah, it was funny.” I did not read “Revenge Purchase” in your story. Simply, a series of circumstances. You two had an argument. You went shopping and found an awesome lawn ornament. The conversations that ensued were part of your normal relationship. I plan to read your earlier posts and become a follower. Thanks for the wonderful humor.

  1640. The chicken, in of itself, is hilarious. The things you did with the chicken (putting him at the front door for the UPS guy) is funny too.

    Whether $100 is a lot of money to you, or closer to what $5 is for most of us is rather moot. If it’s your money you get to spend it your way, if it’s someone else’s money you don’t touch it. If you’re spending money just to piss someone off, even if it’s your money, is not classy.

    This post would’ve had me laughing my head off, (seriously, giant chicken = awesome) if it hadn’t been about pissing off someone you love dearly for fun. Gotta admit, I don’t see anything funny about that.

    Meh, back to the internets.

  1641. I love this story, and laughed out loud. But I have some empathy for Victor. In his shoes I can see myself getting a bat or a sledgehammer and beating the living shit out of the chicken right there on the front steps, leaving it in large but separate and heavily dented parts all across the lawn. Is that wrong? Maybe an alternate ending to the story?

  1643. Absolutely priceless – thank you so much. Do you think they ship to the UK? Perhaps every woman needs a giant chicken with which to assert their right to buy whatever the heck they like!

  1645. OMG FRICKN hilarious!!! I laughed out loud this rocks! plus i think beyonce is groovy!!

  1646. This was the best laugh I have had in a while.

    Thanks for posting, you definitely made my day after my husband made me mad today! What a great way to end the night. If only he knew what I was laughing at.

  1647. HEARTFULLLL, so thank you. 10:00p.m the 23rd after a unpleasant encounter I Facebooked and clicked on a post and read “Pick Your Battles”. After a damp, no wet chair, tears, lol alot,etc I read over 500 comments and agreed with the majority, so I felt well represented no need now to comment…. 34th anniversary and counting, I want to make 50th, 75th, …health willing. I envy your job, making people laugh. How to put a value on laughter, to be able to smile and see the simple, live-love-learn-laugh, four “l” that are priceless and free. I often fear the absents of these four “l” words. I salute you, bravo, and thanks for reminding me to laugh at just the right time. My husband knows he takes himself to seriously but in this cause it did not hurt him to be reminded. His simple comment was, “cute”.

  1648. Damn. This makes my anniversary gift to my husband look lame. Do they ship these chickens to Switzerland? Not that we don’t have any chickens here, but none that big or that awesome. Ha! Insert inappropriate cock joke right there 😉

  1649. Ha ha, and the next aniversary, when the guy asks for you help to get the dead hookers out of the hotel swimming pool, I’m sure you’ll be all “OK Honey. I got you the chicken last year, so this year it’s my turn to fix things.”

  1650. HOLY. CRAP. right, now I get that ‘goes viral’ tweet. Someone pinned the photo of the chicken at the front door on Pinterest and though to myself, ‘that looks like something The Bloggess would do’ (seriously, not even blowing sunshine on this one) so imagine my non-surprise when I clicked through. I’m sure I’m not the first one to come up with this, but haven’t read all 1200 comments that came before … Won’t the chicken just pay for him/herself like James Garfield did when you put it on your Christmas cards for this year? How did Victor not think that one up himself? I guess that would be admitting defeat though. Love it.

  1651. Man! Assure me that Victor isn’t as much of a kinda jerk as he seems to be in this post!

    (My husband gave me a concrete laughing pig for our first Christmas together: we’re STILL howling about it… totally ridiculous!)

  1652. Does no one who reads this blog ever get out? Or indeed associate with other humans. This kind of story is what happens when you leave the house. Nothing fancy. Go. Now. Leave and live.

  1653. Funny little story and it really is funny.
    But now imagine the exact same story with the roles reversed, the girl working in the home office and her hubby going out to buy the metal chicken with his friend.
    Would it still be funny or would we all think he is just an a** ?

  1654. Great post. Love your sense of humor. Please consider putting Beyoncé on promotional items.

    For those that complain about spending money and Jenny’s lack of fiscal responsibility – I work retail. It’s people’s “sense of whimsy” like this that keep us employed. Not everything in life is or has to be serious, and yes, there are some people who have been surviving this recession without losing all of their spending money. I appreciate people like her who help keep the economy going during this downturn.

    Oh, and for those concerned with Beyoncé’s gender – they’re all chickens. Male chickens are roosters/cocks and females are hens.

  1655. I really just don’t know what’s funnier. The blog post itself, or the angry comments about it where people are telling you you need to obey Victor.
    Honestly do they know NOTHING about him? After all, this is the same guy who said that buying James Garfield was a bad idea. And James Garfield ended up SAVING CHRISTMAS. So really, these people have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m also 90% sure that Beyoncé will ALSO end up saving Christmas, or maybe Hanukkah. Or labor day. One of those.

  1656. OK, That made me laugh out loud this morning!!
    I needed that, hilarious!
    c

  1657. Being wasteful in order to be mean, and then bragging about it. Just what this world needs more of.

  1658. BEST BLOG POST, EVER!!!
    (and I mean out of all the blogs, and all the posts ever)

    awesomely funny shit! Thank you…

  1660. I freakin love that chicken story!!! That sounds so much like something that I would do and my Husband would totally have acted just like Victor. LOVE IT!!!

  1661. This is by far the funniest thing I have EVER read in all my life. When it got to the part about the UPS guy I had to stop I was laughing so hard. BEST EVER!!

  1662. so totally forcing my husband to read this so that i can get us the 55euro towels i’ve had my eye on…so much better than a chicken!

  1663. HAHAHAHAHAHA This is definitely the funniest thing I have read this week, this month, and hell …probably this year! I was linked by one of my cousins on Facebook and I will definitely be following it now. Love your style and sense of humor …it is a perfect fit for me and just how things play out in my head. I could totally see my husband and I having a similar conversation/argument/giant chicken adventure! Awesome, just awesome!

    And, because I’m assuming most of the people who follow this blog are women, most won’t get the reference …but her writing style is very Skatergome-esque! (Castersrealm/EverQuest 1 – Circa 2001)

    Keep being awesome!

  1664. OMG this is SO funny. and i LOVE the chicken too. i would have totally bought it at that price. my kind of thing…great anniversary gift.

  1665. I looooove this story….only because I loooove that chicken! Obviously Victor needs to lighten up just a bit. Thanx for starting my morning off on a good note.

  1666. one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time! what a hoot! An excellent lesson in picking your battles.

    ps
    I think you should go get some towels now!

  1667. what a hoot! A great lesson in picking your battles. I can’t stop laughing, it’s a good thing i didn’t have coffee in my mouth when I started reading or I’d be desparately trying to save my laptop.

  1668. jeeeez, that is hilarious!!!! Here is a thought for you…… move the rocks from said chicken’s feet, and move that huge sucker (chicken) every day or so to a new location. Say…. mmmm, beside his office chair, or maybe in the driver’s seat in the car or how about inside a walkin closet? Scare the crap outta him, i promise you will not be able to keep a straight face for weeks……..

  1669. jeeeez, that is hilarious!!!! Here is a thought for you…… move the rocks from said chicken’s feet, and move that huge sucker (chicken) every day or so to a new location. Say…. mmmm, beside his office chair, or maybe in the driver’s seat in the car or how about inside a walkin closet? Scare the crap outta him, i promise you will not be able to keep a straight face for weeks……..

    btw, thanks for my morning giggle!

  1673. 1. Roosters don’t have penises. Which is ironic, all things considered.
    2. There is a Phallogical Museum in Iceland. I have just been thinking of going on a trip there with my husband, and if we actually get to go, I assure you, I will INSIST that this museum is where I must go.
    3. Though roosters don’t have penises (don’t ask me how they get the job done), ducks and geese have corkscrew-shaped penises.

    That is all.

  1674. Totally amazing. (1) your chicken, (2) your writing style.

    I would love to have the chicken for my Man Cave but I’m afraid I wouldn’t have room due to the 5ft Barbarian Sword and matching Shield, but I would consider trading. Victor may like those.

    Would like to offer you a Honorary Membership in our Writers Group. Its Aliante Writers Group, just google it. we have a few long distance members. Again, writing well Done.

  1675. June #1224
    I am pretty sure you gave up your right to be a parent as soon as you just judged this situation. One most important thing a parent teaches their children is to NOT judge or assume you know the whole story when you just have a snippet. Teach your children to be gracious and kind and NON judgemental and you will have added a great contribution to society. Again I must say your parent card should be pulled already. My seven year old daughter was told by a classmate that she had $1000 dollars and my daughter asked me if I thought she was telling the truth and my answer was wow how wonderful that she has $1000 I hope she is able to something wonderful for others with it and enjoy it herself too, do ya get it, she was LYING her ass off and trying to brag but now my child learned to not judge the statement or child but to think the best and feel happy for her regardless.

  1676. Giddy with excitement that next year is our 15th anniversary, and I can go get my husband a giant chicken. Damn, I love you lady. And not in some weird stalkerish way. Just in a “you have no idea who I am, but I totally want to hang with you and your chicken” kind of way.

  1677. I need you for a neighbor! I immediately shared this with the special man in my life because any man who can do an imitation of drowning ants doing the backstroke to cheer me up will totally “get” giant metal chickens. Which is why I love him.

    Subscribing to your blog IMMEDIATELY. We are sooo sisters of the heart. Right down to my fuschia and neon green beach towels!

  1678. Seriously, this is almost as good as my husband buying me a giant TEAPOT with a CHICKEN on it!!

  1679. You have made my day! I’m STILL laughing an hour later. You and I would get along SWIMMINGLY – matter of fact, I feel like we could’ve been seperated at birth!

  1680. That’s nothing short of a big bucket of awesome-sauce.

    If Beyonce ever needs a place to stay, send her this way.

    Or perhaps a big metal chicken world tour should be in order… Could be in the Guiness Book of World Records for most traveled big metal chicken.

  1681. you are a genius and i will now forever read your blog. this story is killing me and i want to buy a similar chicken for my office.

    where pray tell did you find your amazing cock?

    kristen

  1682. “15 IS GIANT METAL CHICKENS” – perfect.
    Awesome post. I’ll be back.

  1683. You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. Even though you didn’t leave it at my door, your chicken cheered me up on a week that has been otherwise sucky. Feel free to tell your husband that your chicken has been fulfilling its philanthropic duty by bringing joy to the sick and weary (me).

  1684. I feel your pain. All of my children said the only difference to this story is that I would have tried to buy one for everybody. I love monkeys. My husband said for every monkey that comes in, one must go out. Sorry, not happening.

  1685. I think that this is absolutely priceless! Honest to God…reading people’s responses has me laughing all over again. Thanks for making my day! Happy Anniversary!!!

  1686. I once bought a 5ft pink flamingo in Curacao and almost had to buy it a seat on the plane to get it home..finally got a suitcase and checked it as luggage..still have it and my husband has grown to..well not quite love it..but he can laugh about it

  1688. Thanks so much for this. You Rock!!! You also have a really great friend; don’t lose each other.

  1689. Tears coming down hiilarious…my hubby thought I was crazy I was laughing so hard and so I made him read it and then HE started crying laughing. “This chicken will CUT you!”…makes me laugh every time I think it! Brilliant woman…brilliant!

  1690. I really need someone to shop for towels for me. Mine are looking a bit shabby but its not a priority, I think that’s just how us guys are. Vic should be happy you take care of this kind of stuff. Now if I can find a big metal chicken that might be a priority.

  1693. Oh my gosh I laughed til I cried. This story sure made my day and some of the comments made me laugh even harder. Thanks for the boost.

    Morgan

  1694. LMBO! You have made me start my morning off right: by laughing hysterically. Oh my how I must send this to everyone immediately. Thank you for making me laugh. Brilliant writing!

  1695. I loved this too much for words! The first time I read it, the tears were just streaming down my face. The second and third time, I contained my emotions, but hardly managed to keep myself in my chair. Thank you thank you thank you! Must feel good to bring so much joy to the world! 🙂

    As for the (few) haters… I have no idea how you could read this and not find it funny. Good grief. I’d love nothing more than to end a petty argument with my husband in this much laughter! I think you guys are to be envied in your marriage! Happy 15th!

  1696. I’m having a crappy week & never would’ve thought it would be a 5′ tall chicken to snap me out of it! Thanks to you & Beyonce for the laughs!

  1697. I just read this for the second time, and once again laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I started giggling at “PERSPECTIVE” and by the time I got to “Knock, knock, motherfucker,” I nearly spit out my coffee. This is amazing.

  1698. This link was passed on to me by a friend and I think I just peed on myself! Thanks to you, now I need new pants AND a giant metal chicken!

  1699. This relationship is like living at my house. However, my theory is “dont get mad, get even”. I wonder if thats bad between a husband and wife?

  1701. God I love those chickens! – I bought 2 last month and I’m having them shipped from Texas to my home in Miami Beach, where I’m sure my neighbor Lenny Kravitz will soon hit me up for info on how to get him one too!!! My other neighbors are a different story however…Love Live Big Metal Chickens!

    And by the way, just for good measure, I bought a huge Texas boot too…that will sit right outside my front door and will be filled with a bunch of fake Texas bluebonnets!

    Like Victor, this will be a huge surprise to my husband when they are finally delivered. You’ll hear the bitching and moaning and kvetching all the way from the tip of Florida very soon.

  1703. Love the chicken, hilarious story, but I gotta say I’d name mine Sasha Fierce.

  1706. Jenn… I bought a big metal chicken at the grocery store of all places last year for my husband as a joke. He LOVES it. We love our chicken so much that we refuse to get a dog because we have the big chicken. Tell your husband to look at the bright side: no messes and no noise.

  1707. One of the absolute best blog posts I’ve EVER read, and if you haven’t read the Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love by Jill Connor Browne, you MUST go out today and buy it. Paperback. Probably in the humor section. Happy Anniversary!

  1709. By the far the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you.

  1710. My Serbian friend says there’s a Serbian custom to have some kind of representation of a chicken in the kitchen. So he always gives a ceramic chicken of some kind as a housewarming gift. He says every woman needs a little Serbian cock in the kitchen.

    It’s his line, not mine.

  1712. Okay, everyone in my office now thinks I am crazy(er). I am sitting at my desk laughing out loud, so hard that I am crying. Everytime I thought the hilarity had ended, there was one more little thing. LOVE IT!!! Oh, that is so me. I would totally do that to my husband…ahhhh….okay gotta stop laughing so I can breathe.

  1713. “Beyonce” would be sitting on the front porch…. holding your bags…. AND your hot pink towels!!

  1714. Well I didn’t read all 1200+ comments, so this may not be an original thought. For all of you ladies cackling over this story (and I find a LOT of the Blogess’ posts hysterical) think about whether you are responding to the story itself (some silly elements) or the “message” contained in the headline and the subtext of the story. I don’t know (and it doesn’t matter) whether Blogess’ household is single- or dual income, as it isn’t about the money (although based solely on the photo provided, the household seems somewhat affluent) as it is about respect. Could Victor’s request been made more elegantly ? Absolutely. Was the chicken a giant F***-YOU in response ? Sure was.
    I imagine virtual pitchforks and torches raised if the story was told with gender roles reversed.

  1715. I’m actually crying from laughing so hard – it’s been a horrible week for me and that just lifted my spirits. it was like having my own 5′ metal chicken at my door!! Thanks for the perspective and Happy Anniversary!

  1720. I’m pretty sure the 20th anniversary is the “bacon” year. You know, total commitment. Better start looking for that giant pig now!

  1721. First time visitor and I couldn’t have chosen a better day to stop by. I LOVE the metal monstrosity, although I think it’s actually a rooster. Which could be why Victor isn’t happy. You know, male territoriality, and all that. I just got married – can’t wait for year 15 so I can get my own big metal chicken/rooster thingy.

    I’ll be back.

    (That wasn’t supposed to sound as ominous as it did…)

    Carolynn

  1722. Seriously where did you get it? Are they available in Europe?

    Giant Chicken = viral blog … Pfft I could’ve told you that.

  1724. My love of chickens aside this is the funniest thing I have ever read. I actually had a male coworker come in my office to check on me because I was laughing so hard and crying!

    If you replace towels with throwrugs I had the exact conversation with my husband last week. Unfortunatly it did not end with the purchase of a hilarously large chicken.

    You are my hero!!

  1725. This post should come with a warning label. I am 9 months pregnant and I’m laughing so hard tears are running down my cheeks….and I swear I just felt a contraction. I’d heard of your blog but this is my first visit. Adding you to my blogroll immediately. Thanks for an amazing laugh….and HAPPY anniversary.

  1728. hysterical – sounds like something my mother would have done to my father

  1729. You know… you might be able to stop by a fitness store and buy that chicken some ankle weights to help keep her upright. Probably about $200. worth should do it! ;oP

  1731. I do not want a giant metal chicken for my own backyard, but I feel soooooo much better knowing I live in a world where somebody has one. Thanks for the awesome story! I am still clucking–er, chuckling–to myself!

  1732. Probably one of the bets things i’ve ever read! Still laughing about this a couple days later & passing it along to friends!

    Thanks for the good laughs 🙂

  1733. This is priceless. I once had a 5′ set of armor on my front porch because my accross the street neighbor was such an ass. Every year a little bird made a nest in it so I couldn’t move it!

  1735. I love Beyonce. Let me know if you’re willing to rent her out…My husband won’t let me buy a bath mat.

  1738. All dollars and no sense huh? ….and my wife told me I had to read this because I use the line “you should choose your battles carefully”. ….and you should…but much more carefully. Victor could get creative and cut the chicken’s head off(wrap it in pink towels) and leave in your bed one night, take the body and weld it upsidedown to your hood, as a new hood ornament ya know?

    Point being, choosing your battles IS important, so is starting(and finishing) wars…..:)

    Sounds like your “friend” had the most fun being an instigator…hmm interesting possibilities for being a double agent perhaps? ….also have to choose your friends carefully….

  1739. This is seriously, the funniest shit I have ever read and I will read your blog until I breath my last breath, which was almost five minutes ago from laughing so hard.

  1740. Holy crap! That was one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time! Still giggling. And the argument banter sounds like me and my husband… but, he would like the giant chicken. Just awesome!

  1743. This has been posted in like 40 different places. I am in awe of how the story of the gigantic metal chicken has spread far and wide.

    I think we’re in for a giant chicken epidemic and I couldn’t be more happy about the possible outcome of this.

  1744. Busted Kate is right!

    JUDY GARLAND TRAIL MIX FOR ALL THE NOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1745. “That chicken has a shiv” funnier words have NEVER been typed…

  1746. we just celebrated our 15th anniversary. I totally should have picked up a big metal chicken!!

    you know…. sale is a four letter word from God. You had to buy it. You had no choice! 🙂

  1748. I don’t blame Victor for being pissed. He’s obviously a very smart and sensitive man who can see right through your plan to ridicule him by giving him a five foot cock for your 15th anniversary.

  1750. That is AWESOME! I was laughing so hard my husband came running out to ask what was wrong because I was crying. Seriously the BEST story ever! It’s totally made my day! Kudos to you. Best anniversary gift ever too! Bet DH was wishing you’d bought towels now!

  1751. Once my friend and I stole a ceramic rooster from an old man. We just called him Party Cock ’cause he was the biggest and best cock at all the parties. All the guys were jealous of our cock. Beyonce would love him.

  1752. This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. i was laughing so hard I was crying.

  1756. I have not laughed that hard in years! You are my hero! Ihave forwared your blog to some family & friends and even my mother agrees that she is surprised I have not done this already to my husband. So glad there are other people out there with a good sense of humor.
    Live long & Carry on your good works!!!!

  1757. OMG!! I just had a huge fight with my boyfriend over some stupid stuff so this was perfect! Passing this along to the girls. Big Metal Chickens Rock!

  1758. OMG. I have tears rolling down my face. That is hilarious. I’m sad now that I let my 15th anniversary pass by without a 5 foot metal chicken. Maybe it can also be for the 17th?

  1760. Thank you, thank you for sharing this with all of us! I’m headed to my 20th and my hubby sounds a lot like yours. Wish they had big metal chickens in my area…he’d totally be getting one. 🙂

  1761. I showed this to my brother, and told a coworker about it at work- and they agree that you’re hilarious. My brother loves the picture, and the card, and the caption. My coworker is questioning your sanity about buying a $100 chicken. Apparently the economy is shitty because people make giant metal chickens. He also doesn’t believe you *weren’t* the drunk lady to buy the chicken. Told him you named him Beyonce and he couldn’t stop laughing. I’m pretty sure you won that argument too. 😀

  1762. My mom did something similar when I was a kid… but hers was a ship. A side view of a big old ship with 3 or 4 masts and a tons of sails! It was awesome! My dad was pissed! It’s still hanging in their living room. Her comment “instead of waiting for my ship to come in I went out and bought it!”

  1764. I might be crazy overly tired but I was laughing so hard reading that I almost started crying. I love how you can throw down your dysfunctionalness (I mean that as a compliment) and we get to read it and and laugh. Maybe I need to make our dysfunctionalness funnier. I might just have to buy a giant chicken next time I’m out…

  1765. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants (a topic for another post altogether).
    I also want one of these chickens. Can you tell me where you got it?

  1766. i seriously ADORE you!!! This made me laugh so hard!!! I would have done the same damn thing!!!!! HAHAHAHAAH!!!!! XD

  1768. Apparently, after much deliberation, the size of one’s cock does matter.

  1769. The funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I definitely would have bought the chicken too 🙂 it is just too funny not to!

  1770. Best blog post ever. I have read it at least 12 times and I still have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.

  1771. Wow are you a horrible human being. Do the world a favor and never have children. I would say I feel bad for Victor but he was stupid enough to marry a shallow, self centered, waste of life like you, so he’s getting what he deserves. Seriously, swallow a knife.

  1775. Holy shit, I so need one of those chicken for the roof of my garage. Something to watch the crepy unemployed neighbor for hours on end for a change.

  1776. OMG I just about peed my pants reading this. I was at work at the time and totally reading it when I shouldn’t, you know not on break. Luckily I was able to control myself somewhat. And you’re totally right, a big metal chicken ain’t towels. I now consider myself warned and will be careful how I phrase things to my wife in the future. I don’t want to have to stair out my window at a chicken beak forever.

  1777. so many people sent me this link and i read it multiple times because it’s full on awesome, sister.

  1779. I laughed, not only until I cried, I laughed until my nose ran. Maybe a first. And the comments are nearly as funny as the story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

  1780. And I thought when I wanted to buy an 8 foot Betty Boop as a sparkly waitress on rollers skates (she even had a tray you could put things on) at the local discount brand names store that was the find of all finds – of course if she had been $100 instead of $900 (marked down from $2500) I probably would have bought her. Congrats on the new chicken!

  1781. Fabulous from start to finish. So funny. Of course the best part…you completely bamboozled Victor and his silly towel declaration. Love it.

    PS: Perfect name!

  1782. The best place for your chicken is beside your swimming pool (if you have one), holding a towel.

  1783. This is the best and funniest thing I have ever read. I keep coming back and rereading it. Every time I see that chicken standing at your front door I lose it.

  1785. I feel that any man who threatens to strangle you over towels deserves:

    1. a big metal chicken

    2. To have to air-dry himself after showers for the rest of his life.

    3. Possibly a divorce.

    And that’s only AFTER I rejected the idea of strangling him before he got a chance at me as impractical because of what a time-waster the trial and punishment would be.

  1787. OMG If I laugh any hardermy husband just may put me in the loony bin. LOLOLOLOLOL

  1788. That was the dumbest fucking story I have ever written. I feel dumber because I just wasted 3 minutes of my life reading that useless bullshit. Who ever wrote this can fuck right off.

  1789. Proud or embarassed? Office cooler: “what’d you’re wife get you for you’re anniversary?” Victor: “A 5ft cock!”

  1790. Now what if the chicken takes a bath, and needs a towel to dry off. You might need to buy yourself a giant chicken sized towel. Poor Victor.

  1792. What I want to know is when you moved in with me & my husband? My daughter sent this to me and we both laughed until we cried.
    I said, “You totally know what you’re getting for our anniversary, right?!!!
    Love it!!!

  1795. Thank you for posting this. I told my husband that we need new towels, but he doesn’t understand. Now, I think he will. 😉

  1797. This. Had. Me. In. Tears. from laughing so hard. Absolutely hysterical and loved every word. I’m emailing it, facebooking it and tweeting it to everyone! Fantastic stuff.

    I want my own Beyonce.

  1798. Yes, a funny prank and good laugh but part of me couldn’t help thinking “Here’s a couple of well-heeled ladies with too much time and disposable income on their hands out looking for things they don’t need to take back to their McMansions.

  1799. This sounds just like Phyliss Fantozzi and Bunny Frey. This so could have been us!

  1800. I love this. It’s so something I would do if I had $300, which I don’t. Come to think of it, I don’t have any towels, either.

  1801. I love this. It’s so something I would do if I had $300, which I don’t. Come to think of it, I don’t have any towels, either.

  1802. Look at the comments. They’re pretty much all women rooting this shitty blogger on for showing her husband up for complaining about wasting money. He’s mad that she’s obviously buying shit that they don’t need so what does she do? She wastes a $100 to play a stupid prank on him that she knows in advance is going to piss him off. When a guy wastes money in a relationship, he’s being a selfish asshole. Women doing that is apparently something to be celebrated.

    Vagina owners are a twisted bunch of people.

  1803. I keep opening this just to see the KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER picture and laughing my ass off.

  1804. I read this yesterday and laughed. I read it again today and laughed even harder. I have GOT to get myself a big-ass chicken.

  1805. Did you see Blue Valentine? You are SO Ryan Gosling & Victor is SO Michelle Williams. It doesn’t end well. I feel sorry for little Hailey/Frankie. She’s the real victim here.

  1807. You and that “really drunk lady” are the two very lucky giant chicken owners. Brilliant.

  1809. I know exactly where we can get a big metal chicken Tam. .not as colorful. .but it can be arranged. Towels are overrated anyway. Awesome tale.

  1811. I wish you were my neighbor. I would fake bad days just so I could look forward to coming home to a giant metal chicken stationed at my front door to cheer me up.

    My personal feeling is that Beyoncé should start a letter-writing campaign to Victor to win him over. Who could resist love letters from Beyoncé?

  1812. completely true be careful what u say men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):P:):P:P:)

  1813. You are BLOWING up on FB right now. So far I’m up to 7 friends that have posted this link. We’re all laughing hysterically. One of my co-workers keeps quoting from this in a Mr. Chow (you know from The Hangover) voice adding her own spin with a little profanity at the end that starts with “mother”. I just had to send you love. Great blog. Only downside is that I can’t send it to my husband because now he’s getting a giant chicken for our anniversary. I just need to figure out how to position is outside his office window on the second floor.

  1814. You didn’t buy it as a anniversary present, you bought it to piss him off because you waste HIS money on stupid crap that you have enough of already. So out of spite, you waste a whole lot MORE of his money on something that has ABSOLUTELY no usefulness for anything or anyone except for you, which at most only gave you about a whole 5 seconds worth of entertainment. So now you have this 5 foot butt ugly chicken cluttering up the backyard and in front of his study window of all places, probably the only window that he has, and all it is, is constant reminder to him about how dumb you really are and should probably never be allowed to spend money on anything let alone be out of the house ever again.

    You suck with money, you suck as a wife, and you suck as a overall human being.

    By the way, the chicken isn’t growing on him, he still hates it and will always hate it.

  1816. Oh this is priceless!!!! I will have to remember this for when a similar situation arises, and I am sure that one will (dont they always) I hope I will be able to find as nice a chicken when it happens… LOL

  1817. We all have a few chicken stories to remember. Looks like long time relationships can fall to the birds if you can’t bring a little humor to the playpen.

  1818. so – do you think that Beyonce has any relatives in Laredo, TX ?? I think my hubby NEEDS a giant chicken friend to ‘brighten’ his day!!

  1819. Oh, I am laughing so hard right now, I can barely see to type! Even my husband is cackling like a hen! Oops! Sorry, Victor!

  1820. The Bookish Snob shared this and now I’m following you because of it. You are hilarious!

  1823. I haven’t laughed this hard in years! But, if you live in Houston – I found 2 giant chickens at the HEB on Bunker Hill for the bargain price of $99.00 and they are much more colorful (if you can imagine that) that this one!

  1827. Thank you for such a much needed ROFL.
    My hubby is currently deployed so between missing him, burning my candle on both ends, chasing Typhoon Trio, starting a business and insomnia. I’m running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. I think you may of been holding it in the picture 😉

    This was definitely a great start to my day. Thank you BIG (((hug)))

    Reading the comments was great too. Too bad some people just don’t have a sense of humor.
    Loved your reply to some of the comments. Victor you’re not allowed to comment here. Mom???
    Genius!

    I did read a couple of previous post. The future post was too cute. Loved the fact that the science magazine replied back. Can’t hang out with you too much longer since it’s morning here on Okinawa and I have to get going but will definitely visit again =)

    prosperity, peace and love
    Denise

  1829. I have real chickens scratching around in my yard in Happy, Texas: The town without a frown. You should come see me when you’re driving to Colorado. We should be facebook friends. Love, Myna

  1832. This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. You are my new hero and inspiration. My hubby better watch out next time he makes me cranky about my shopping!!!!!

  1833. Thanks so much for the laugh!! Seeing that photo of that huge chicken at your front door is priceless!

  1835. Damn! That was the best thing I’ve read in a long time! Go Beyonce’!!! LOL!

  1837. This is the one of funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I also laughed until I cried. Thanks.

  1838. I must thank you. That was the BEST laugh I’ve had in months. I laughed so hard I cried and may have even pee’d a little. I love marriage and all it’s little psychotic nuances!
    “15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
    Fucking classic.

  1839. I am gonna pass this on to every woman I know! Too freakin hilarious :o) Made my day

  1841. Wow, I have only gotten to comment # 400 Aend something and so I must come back to finish them…I have enjoyed the comments as much as the story….well most of them…Thanks for answering the polite detractor because, I was going to have to look up the story of the boar head as so many people have mentioned it here and i don’t have time right now…
    this was just hysterical and I shared it with my husband and told him to watch out the next time he tells me not to buy something! He said that OK, I’ll put it out in the front yard!

  1842. Okay…that damn chicken is FUNNY. I have tears coming down my face & I think I may have peed a little too. My hubby and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary & now I’m bummed I didn’t get him a chicken.

  1843. This story (and your deadpan wit) has brought me more happiness than you could imagine…

  1844. I’m going to make an altar and place you on it. I love you. You are awesome.

  1845. Totally hilarious! Thanks to my friend Ann for sending me this blog. This girl makes a point of being funny and I love it. If you can’t see the simple humor in it, it’s sad. Life is meant to be enjoyed and not get upset over the little things in life. Happy Anniversary! 🙂

  1847. Seriously, I hve read this at least 4 times. And, I keep quoting it. Genius. I need a 5 foot metal chicken. Bock, bock, motherfucker.

  1848. Rofl too funny!!! My hubby wouldn’t care if I bought towels, and would probably just roll his eyes at the chicken, so I can’t have that kind of fun with him.

    I think you should wait about a month, put the chicken on eBay and get the full $300 (there’s enough people HERE clamoring for it!), then buy some towels. Take the towels into an embroidery shop, have them embroider chickens on the towels (show them pictures so they can make it look the same), hang em up in the bathroom and don’t say a word.

  1850. I am still laughing. which isn’t an easy thing to do. i just cracked up! and some of the comments are almost as hilliarious. You know this story is gonna go viral

  1851. I am still laughing. which isn’t an easy thing to do. i just cracked up! and some of the comments are almost as hilliarious. You know this story is gonna go viral

  1852. These are women after my own heart. I laughed so hard my neighbors thought I was having a stroke. I LOVED this. I’m sending it to ALL of my friends.

  1853. This is the funniest thing i’ve read in years – I have tears running down my face. Thank you 🙂
    I think I’ll get my OH one for our next aniversary, lol.

  1854. Seriously. I laughed so hard I cried. Because my husband is like Victor only I don’t quite have the balls you do!!! Awesome!!!!!

  1855. Oh my gawd. I just cried and peed my pants. Hubby asked what was so funny, and I couldn’t tell him because he SO would not get it. Thank you for making my entire day!

  1856. Just wanted to let you know that ever since finding your blog, (and no… I did not find it by doing some crazy porn search on google… I found it the semi normal way of blog stalking thank you very much.) I have failed to complete three homework assignments and canceled a date with some random dude. It has made my life worth while. Thank you for this masterpiece of a blog and for your mind that is so far out in left field that it matches mine. (and the left field thing comes from my roommate. I on the other hand completely understand and agree with you on just about everything.)Thank you thank you thank you.

  1857. To the maybe 5 lame party pooping, bitter, humorless people who posted comments, I feel sorry for you. Battles? Domestic Violence? Angry about a funny practical joke? Come on! This was some funny shit! I was having a bad day and a friend forwarded this to me on FB. I can totally see myself and my BFFL doing this one day. You rock and this was fucking so funny, I am still chuckling off and on, a few days later! I will be checking back to see more of your funny shit. Thanks!

  1858. Dude I NEED one of these STAT! I have a friend who is ridiculously obnoxious and he NEEDS this for his birthday, he just doesn’t know it yet.

  1859. If I were Victor, I would have strangled you and stuffed your body inside that chicken. Still hilarious, though.

  1860. I just had to comment for a second time. I have been thiking of random quotes from this post ever since I read it, at random times, and laughing out loud, at random times. My husband thinks I’m nuts. And every time he asks what I’m laughing about I tell him it’s the CHICKEN! Now I have more to laugh about – some of these comments suggesting the marital advice. So glad I came back to read them, and your responses!

  1861. I just keep thinking of the picture of you choking your chicken in public. Also, my favorite saying to everyone is ” no matter how bad you think things are. Just remember that GOD could have made you a chicken and you would be forced to eat with your pecker”………just sayin.

  1862. Methinks Some Guy (#1324) needs to have a giant metal chicken left on his doorstep.

    Many thanks for the laughs–made my week! You might find a friend for Beyonce here in Memphis at the most bizarre estate sale I have ever seen advertised. You and Laura should take a quick trip to the land of Elvis, but I strongly suggest leaving Victor at home. Here’s the teaser: taxidermied baboons. I swear.
    http://www.estatesales.net/estate-sales/174006.aspx

  1863. Why do I have a feeling that if Victor had owned the chicken when they met, it would have been the first thing she demanded in no uncertain terms that he absolutely must get rid of once she moved in.

  1864. I laughed so hard I cried . . . and that’s saying a lot if you know me

  1865. I am so glad you said where you found the chickens. I need the chicken. I emailed Home Goods and told them:

    I follow a blog called “The Bloggess” and she found a metal rooster (VERY LARGE) on sale and I would give my first born to have one. Or my husband. Whichever. But please, I want a metal chicken! I love chickens. I have chickens. I even eat chicken. Please please help me find one of those metal chickens.
    Hugs,
    Suzie

    So, Jenny, if you find another chicken, please buy, I will reimburse, or I will send you towels in exchange. That way you aren’t *buying* towels. Win-win. xoxoox, Suzie

  1867. Not only did my drink come out of my nose, I think I got a hernia from laughing too hard! 🙂

  1869. Your post totally made my day. No, my week. No. My life.

    IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY still makes me crack up for no reason whatsoever.

  1870. Oh, there MUST be a comment because I celebrate my own 15th anniversary in August and now I am so glad to know what the appropriate gift should be. BTW, I will be offering a link to this blog to my own readers (paltry in number though they be). Thank you so much for a well needed giggle!

  1871. Hilarious… Thank you for that! All of that! Pure greatness! I was laughing so hard, I was crying!

  1874. I did the exact same thing with a metal cat sculpture I had. We had a big one that met its demise before we got married and moved in together, but I found a smaller version of it and placed it in random places at times to egg my husband on. He was so happy that we finally let the first one go that he was not impressed when I wasted $11 on a replacement. Another HomeGoods find, I believe.
    I’m on a mission to find these chickens. I threatened to get one and the only reaction I got was something about the HOA not being too happy. Meanwhile, hubby’s friend seemed to take me a little more seriously because his face was a bit more interesting when I mentioned how if nothing else I just wanted to drive around town with a 5-foot chicken in the back of the truck for a day.

  1875. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard by myself! I had (& still have!) tears rolling down my face while reading. Honestly I might have to print this out & read it when i need a laugh! Hysterically funny story & the pictures made it so much better. Beyonce ROCKS!

  1876. Anyone who has EVER read this blog knows:
    A) Jenny has the biggest heart in asylum
    B) Victor is awesomely awesome and is not intimidated by a 5 foot cock
    C) If Jenny ever “grows up” her regulars will leave their boxed wine and beg her to knock it the fuck off.

    We love you Jenny! Keep doing what you do! Can’t wait for your book!

  1877. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! This is about the funniest thing I have EVER read! I can so totally see this happening as if I were there, my belly hurts from laughing. So, think you’re having a bad day? Now you have a 5 foot chicken to deal with. Very funny…. my pets think I’ve lost it , I can NOT stop laughing. Thank you for a wonderful end to a crummy day,. :>

  1878. I’m not surprised you have so many comments on this post. I still have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I love the play by play…I was dying! Awesome post, thanks for making me laugh THAT hard about a metal chicken….and the towels of course. Mama MOE

  1879. It’s rare I laugh aloud at anything on the internet, but this had me in actual chuckles!

  1880. I read this in a public place and I laughed so hard with tears streaming down my face. My preteen daughter was mortified and said I could win the prize for the most embarrassing mother ever. So when I regained my composure I started singing Christmas carols, loudly. I have an image in my head of the manager all serious, wrestling that chicken and warning everyone to get back cause cause the chicken “will cut you!”. Hilarious !!!!!

  1886. thank you. I was having a terrible night. It is no longer terrible.

  1887. It’s a rooster. which means you’ll have to go back to that store and demand that they provide you with a flock of hens to keep him happy. which might be construed by your husband that you’re promoting polygamy. which would cost him a fortune in towels.

  1888. I’d send you a buck, too. Post a P.O. Box and see what happens! I bet Beyonce’ would send you a towel, in fact.

  1890. I can’t believe this is going all viral now. All my friends are all “Have you seen this?” and I’m like, duh, where do you think I found the honey badger video and finally got validation that Little House on the Prairie was fucked up.

  1891. Jenny, you are my new girl crush/imaginary BFF! I have been reading through your blog since yesterday when a co-worker forwarded this post to me. I can’t wait to read your book!

  1892. I’m just so proud to be able to say that I have known you since the day I first mistook you for a drunken neurotic cancer survivor backstage in Chicago. Wait, San Francisco. Or was it Chicago? Shit, these cities are all beginning to blend in. That was BEFORE your shit went viral.

  1893. Jenny, you are my new girl crush/imaginary BFF! I have been reading through your blog archives since yesterday when a co-worker forwarded this post to me. I can’t wait to read your book!

  1898. Now here’s an advantage to living alone. You can buy a huge, pointy, rusty, tetanus-ridden CHEERFUL CHICKEN and put it any old damn place you want to!

    Here’s the disadvantage to living alone and having a huge, pointy, rusty, tetanus-ridden CHEERFUL CHICKEN. Not having anyone around to have an entertaining screaming and punching fit at the sight of it!

    I have two acres in Alaska. I can have a whole herd of metal chickens if I want!

  1899. Why don’t you do your husband a favor and throw out some of your old towels. Obviously he’s annoyed that there’s too much crap in your house already, then you go and piss money on that.

  1900. You are now my hero. Next time my husband argues with me, I will be searching out a GIANT metal chicken in tribute to this. XD

  1901. I have shared this with every girlfriend/sister/friend I know! It made me laugh so hard that I even emailed the link to my now-remarried, EX-husband (we were together for 15 years) Hahaha!!!! Awesome.

  1903. Your hubby should see my front yard!!! My brother gave me an 8 foot rooster for Christmas…I wanted one..then he added a 5 foot one for my birthday…sorta like a Mrs. Rooster…I then added 3 smaller ones for Father’s Day! I have more people stopping by to see them than my miniature horse that I bring home every once in a while! Wish I could add a pic here…but he does have his own Facebook page! Rooster Cherico! I love what you did! Next time you do need towels…get some with Roosters on them!!!!

  1904. By the way….I have a scar on my arm from my 5′ Rooster! I was decorating the 8′ Rooster and the 5′ Rooster’s beak caught my arm! Shiv…oh yea! LOL
    Martha

  1907. I saw a 2 foot tall chicken at Ross today and walked by it 3 times wondering if I should buy it while thinking about this blog. I don’t know if it would have had the same effect so I left it.

    I might go back for it…

  1910. Absolutely loved the story… and it released my inner desires to have a metal chicken nearly my own height… or two..

    Thanks for the belly laugh!

  1911. your detractors are just suffering from “cock-envy”, though in their defense, i’m pretty sure the rules of the internet state that: EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNETS IS TRUE and anything you read MUST be taken literally.

    however, they’ve clearly broken two of the most important rules: 1) none of them were “first” and 2) not one of them mentioned “hitler”.

    i’m pretty sure this means YOU WIN THE INTERNETS, Jenny.

    *Well done*.

  1914. Alas! A kindred spirit! That is right up my alley! I do that crap all the time! And I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny. My friends and family refer to my husband’s “that’s not funny” face. And we collapse in hysterics all over again. I think his (and Victor’s) reactions make it all the more beautiful. (And today is our 11th anniversary. The traditional gift is stainless steel….ah the possibilities….) Thank you. You made my day.

    C

  1916. Love you Jenny. I barely have a pot to piss in, but I still would have been secretly amused if my boyfriend put a giant metal animal at the front door for me. I’m sorry for all the trolls out there. I guess some people drink haterade while looking for new places to puke up the shitty ticker-tape called ‘thoughts’ that they have. I love your blog and you and I send mind-turds to anyone who doesn’t. xoxo 4-evah.

  1917. what can i say that hasn’t been said already in the 1thousandumpteen comments before me?

    i love it. i want it. have victor mail it to me. because right now. i’m going thru the same thing with my hubby. except it’s not about towels. it’s about our living room furniture. blah blah blah you just bought those chairs. and i’m like blah blah blah three years ago. and he’s like blah blah blah no one has even sat in them. and i’m like blah blah blah that’s why we need new ones!

    the end.

    —

  1919. Thank you. I just returned from a shopping trip where I found my very own miniature Beyonce. Thanks to you and your story, she came home with me…

  1920. You just got yourself a new follower.

    However, the chicken needs accessories. “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.” But it would have to be a giant metal cock ring.

    Count me in for a dollar and a towel. Completely worth it.

  1922. Interesting, and disturbing. Four of my friends posted a link to this on Facebook and said it was soooo funny. I finally read it, and my first reaction was “Two predictions: One this woman’s never worked a day of real labor in her life. Two, this couple is on their way to a divorce.”

    I appreciated the thoughtful response to the one poster who criticized it, and your explanation that this type of humor is the norm, makes me think prediction #2 is probably wrong. (Although I don’t know if your marriage would survive a financial crisis intact.) What I find really disturbing though is that out of all the comments I counted up, only around 1.5% found something wrong with this story, and of those most were misogynistic. (Melly #482 came closest to nailing it, except that I think she’s overly optimistic in assuming that poverty is a stage of life rather than a perpetual state for many.)

    Yes, I also make the assumption that you live primarily on your husband’s income, but that’s not because I stepped out of a time warp where I think women don’t earn money, it’s because I think that people who work hard for money don’t spend it as frivolously as those who are given money, or those who are paid more than is due them. In the case of the former, the money is usually given by a spouse or inherited. The latter is rarely the case for women, who usually have to work twice as hard to get the same recognition and compensation.

    Saying that you raised $42k for charity really doesn’t help the perception of you. I think the people who are posting negative comments basically think you and most of the people who find this funny have too much time and disposable income. Saying that you and your readers can raise that much money on a whim only reinforces that idea.

    There is a huge and growing class divide in this country—and most of those at the bottom are too busy envying those at the top to even complain about it. This story, and people’s negative responses to it, are a symptom of that. You should not be personally blamed for being a symptom of that system, but I think the idea behind asking you to donate to charity is to get you closer to an awareness of that disparity. I am glad that you organize fundraisers, but getting to the point you question the role of frivolous spending in relation to class divide I think is probably a long, long way off.

  1923. I super-love this post and love you. Some day I hope I can introduce Beyoncé to my giant metal goat.

  1924. Best post ever. This is exactly the kind of shenannagans I get in trouble for around here with my bestie

  1925. OH MY GOSH THIS WAS SOOO FUNNY!! My husband is next to me sleeping and I nearly woke him up from trying desperately to finish the article AND silently laugh hysterically. Thank you sooo much! This is exactly what my day needed. Now I can go to bed with a smile on my face.

  1926. i laughed so hard i almost barfed – no, for reals. Who are you and why have i only just found you???? thanks for making my life

  1927. I just gotta say I loved this story. I hope that all of your anniversaries are this awesome. Next year is my 33rd with this guy and I’ve got my eye out for a ……. rusty chicken. Remember “Rusty” the chicken…O never mind, before your time. hint ( the friendly giant)

  1929. This is just sad. Why would you do this just to antangonize your husband? The only lesson to be learned here is not to waste money on useless and stupid shit that you KNOW is gonna piss your spouse off! And if you’re anything like most women, Victor was right you probably didn’t need any more towels because you had too many to begin with.

  1930. OMG. This must be shared with the world. I only have another 12 years left until my 15th anniversary. I cant wait! 🙂

  1932. You sound like a real bitch. I feel sorry for victor. He’s only trying to be practical.

  1933. When your current towels become thin and totally useless, drag Beyonce into the bathroom and tell Victor to use it to wipe himself dry, because there are no more new towels… and do tell him to be careful of the sharp bits…

  1934. I’m nearly 5 months pregnant, and quite frankly I blame you for making me pee myself.

    This was hilarious. I am so jealous you found a giant metal chicken! I’m not allowed near places that stock such items. Cause that’s exactly how we wound up with a 4 foot tall porcelain giraffe covered in gold.

    (To be fair, he’s grown to love it. Our dog is terrified of it).

    But I do think I need to add a chicken to our inanimate zoo collection.

  1935. Sorry it’s taking me so long to approve comments. My blog isn’t used to this kind of traffic so my host server kind of rioted. Thanks so much for all the comments. Especially those of you who came back multiple times to insist (using multiple names and the same computer) that I dont know the meaning of money and that my vagina has impeded me from actually having any money of my own. You. Are. Adorable.

    Just to be clear though, I grew up quite happily but with no money at all. Our first years of marriage were financially tough but we made it through with our senses of humors as a shield to the anxiety of going without and crushing debt. I graduated college while working a full-time night job to pay for it (this was while Victor and I were married) and in the 15 years that Victor and I hhave been happily married I have never not worked. And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him. I now work full-time writing several columns, blogs, ad copy, design work, and a book which sold last year.

    Victor happens to think this post is hilarious (although he still insists that we don’t need new towels) and when my blog kept crashing from the traffic, he’s been working with my host for days to got it back online. Not because he’s whipped…but because he has a sense of humor and enjoys mine.

    Most of the time.

    In hindsight.

    Probably.

  1936. Seriously.. I’ve just read this once to myself and a second time to my husband… both times I laughed so hard I cried and my husband couldn’t stop laughing either. Thanks for the tummy ache! I’m sending this out to everyone I know.

  1937. PS. The hot pink towels were swim towels with princesses on them for our daughter who is learning to swim (and I was with Victor when we bought them). And yesterday for the first time ever, she swam by herself. Yeehaw.

  1938. I have tears streaming down my face, this is so funny. Good on you for teaching your man a valuable life lesson that all men should be taught. I hope Beyonce can make it to the pool one day to cheer your daughter on from the sidelines. Best Swim Meet EVER. xo

  1939. I’m a guy married for 25 years. I would have loved that! Angry over towels? Over a 5ft metal chicken? The man needs a high colonic. Lighten up, Victor. There’s a lot of fun in whimsy! Just for that, the Pink Flamingos are going on the lawn in from of my McMansion this morning. Screw the HOA. I do this in Victor’s memory.

  1940. Please, for all that is holy, find me a giant metal dirty hippie so I can annoy my husband too! Oh, wait, he’d probably name it and let it move in as long as it promised to pay rent. (And provide it’s own towels…) 😉

  1941. I have a small pig with wings made of Mexican oil drums in my front yard but it’s not nearly as nice as your chicken! Great story!

  1942. I’m celebrating my 6-year dating anniversary this year (first year as a married couple!), and I couldn’t help but think our argument the day before was NOWHERE NEAR AS EPIC.

    I should get a Beyonce to make up for it. 😉

  1943. So after I read your blog and laughed until I was fist pounding on the desk, I was watching TV with my husband and a Beyonce commercial came on….well I started laughing again. My husband asked what was so funny, sadly shaking my head I told him he would not understand.

  1944. Love it love it love it! And here I was, thinking about acquiring a small lighthouse to set in our yard. Livestock is the way to go!!! I’ve even got my own truck to convey it home. All I have to do is find something immensely striking and take along my own trusty sidekick to egg me on with the purchase. Hilarious tale. Carry on, girl! Carry on!!!

  1945. Hysterical…War of the Roses Part 2….next time you go out to “not buy towels”, make sure it’s not a chandelier. Perhaps some vodka or laxatives for Victor??.

  1946. I laughed the entire time I read this…I can totally see my Aunt Lainie and I going to the store and buying a giant metal chicken just to spite my husband….and laughing hysterically the entire time!!

  1947. Literally crying with laughter. Crying. With laughter.

    All my sympathies to your husband. But this is HYSTERICAL.

  1948. Oh my gosh… you absolutely cracked me up. I NEEDED this giant chicken story. Now I’m in search of my own giant chicken.

  1949. Hysterical! Excellent laughs for a Saturday morning! Makes me wish I had purchased all the “giant chickens” I’ve contemplated buying over the years. Next time, I’m buying the offending item and leaving at the neighbors front door!

  1951. love it! I actually liquid startched and ironed my husband’s underware when he said i needed to do laundary the way his mom did.

  1952. I wanted to buy some floor rugs before we move from North Carolina to Rhode Island because we will have wood floors up there and it gets COLD in the winter. My husband has been dragging his feet on getting the rugs (which were on sale at a consignment shop (NEW) $149 for a 9 x 11!!–not the highest quality, but good enough for a year) and the movers/packers just left yesterday…without rugs. I got the “I really don’t think we need rugs right now” look when I brought it back up. I think this winter when I spend $300 (minimum) on a rug or 3, they should be accompanied by a 5 foot metal chicken. Knock-knock.

  1954. Also, the comments about how you must have a horrible marriage and don’t respect your husband make it even funnier! I get the feeling that this is the type of thing that keeps your marriage fun and exciting. And boy had Beyonce paid off– I am sure the increased traffic and exposure is worth far, far more than $100.

    Have you ever noticed the people who say things like “you could have spent that $100 on charity” are the very ones who probably don’t themselves?

  1955. Men are always bragging how big and steely our chickens are. The one time you try to “flesh out’ your husband’s fantasy, he gets upset. Go figure. We just celebrated our 15th, too — all we did was go to Niagara Falls. This was way better!

  1956. @the people claiming responses would be different if the roles were reversed….let me tell you something, if my husband pulled this same thing I would DIE on the doorstep after opening the door and finding that chicken. His sense of humor would earn him the best blowjob of his life that night.

    I feel so sorry for the people who are too miserable to appreciate the fun in this….and respect a marriage where the couple can actually still make each other laugh after 15 years. SMH

  1957. That’s no chicken – that’s a cockerel. I would have named him “Victor”…
    put him in Victor’s office…and then I would have put newly purchased
    towels in every room in the house!

  1961. My husband would be the one to get the chicken! He would like it too much! That man loves to collect things. We used to have Godzilla in my son’s room from the movie. My husband had to have it. during one of our moves the head broke off. I wasn’t too sad when we threw it away- it was ony made of card board- but it was almost 6 feet tall. I thought my son would be real hurt and my husband too. But I think they were tired od totin the thing around. NO- My husband can not see the chicken!!!!!! lol

  1962. I was thinking>>>>your story was funny! and the chicken in the yard would make a great conversation piece!might scare my dogs though! lol Ok maybe my husband can see the chicken!!!!!

  1963. Oh wow! Filing this away for my own 15th anniversary! What a fun way to celebrate…. and win an argument. Thank you for making me laugh ’til I cried!

  1964. Beyond fabulous.

    Married to my own “Victor” who was horrified when I made him read it, which just then made it even funnier.

  1965. I’m one of the ones guilty of posting this over-and-over on Facebook – I had to ’cause this story reminds me of so many awesome women I know who would have done the same or something similar. I still chuckle when I read it (and my fav part is “This chicken will cut you!”)… Shows me how out-of-touch I am, though, that people would be upset and offended by this story – I was shocked when a male friend of mine was concerned about the interactions between Jenny & Victor. I didn’t see that at all as I read this – I saw a couple who’ve beaten the odds in staying married for 15 years (which based on divorce statistics is pretty damn close to a miracle) and have kept their sense of humor in tact. Rare, folks. RARE. And for those who are getting on their high horse and complaining about the wasting of money – “let him who is without sin, cast the first stone”… Like you’ve never spent money on something that had no point (well, the chicken had points ) but for the value of the expression it was intended to express… Seriously? Time to stop pointing the finger towards others, people!

    Jenny – thank you for sharing about yourself, your life and your marriage. You are a source of inspiration and joy to thousands. And that’s a pretty awesome impact to have on the world 🙂

  1966. Thanks, Jenny (and your beautiful family) for making the world a better place!

  1968. there is an identical one of those chickens in the Gaylord Texan hotel at their Riverwalk Cantina restaurant. We were just there last night and my other half took a picture of it! Too funny.

    BTW, loved this post!

  1969. Now THIS was one funny piece. And tell Victor I think it’s a neat-o chicken, one guy to another.

    And just think what a great towel rack it’ll make in the master bath when you finally get those new towels.

  1971. That is some seriously funny shit. It is like a bad song you can’t get out of your head… I will be laughing about this all day. Thanks for that!

  1973. Sorry, if this is a repost, wasn’t sure if my other comment went through. First time here and I think this is the funniest thing ever! I love it! 🙂 I was seriously laughing out loud more than once. This is pure blogging entertainment.

  1975. I would have called him Clarence, because of his tag. And I think he should go in the bathroom, to be used as a towel rack. Okay, so he needs a few layers of paint or something, to avoid rust. I loved your scheme. You’ll dine out on that chicken story for years.

  1976. that picture of the chicken at the door is priceless and so was Victor’s reaction…thanks for my laugh for the day!

  1978. This is so so funny! You have found MANY new followers after this hysterical post! I cried from laughing and that has not happened in a while. We all need that kind of laughter on a regular basis. You both must have been crying int the store. I would definitely pay $100 for that kind of comic relief! I have been scouring the internet and can not find a rooster/chicken this size. There is one on ebay that is 17″ tall but that just won’t do:) Can’t wait to read more!

  1979. A friend shared this with me…I giggled so much I tinkled. That thar is how I know whether to follow a blog or not. Because really…there are tons and if they are not going to make you tinkle when you laugh, then they are waste of my time. I’ll be back!

  1980. This was hysterical! It didn’t make me yearn for my own metal chicken, but it gave me a great laugh to start the day. Thanks for sharing your marriage trials. I’m just wondering if Victor bought you towels for your anniversary gift to admit his defeat…

  1981. I will probably delete this before I post it.

    I just read your entire blog. But don’t worry, it’s not so much that I’m a stalker as it is the first week of my husband being stolen by the military, and the first week I always end up doing silly things like not cleaning, reading entire blogs and living vicariously through those who purchase $100 metal chickens to taunt their spouses with. And eating chocolate. Or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

    All that to say you are fabulous, and I’m sharing your blog with all my girlfriends who have any sense of humor. And my 19 year old sister who also has RA.

    PS don’t worry, my husband’s only training, he’ll be back soon and I will stalk you less. Probably. Possibly. Probably not at all.

  1985. Love it. Laughed out loud, and had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes so that I could read it to the end. Finally…a blogger with a similar sense of humor! Thanks.

  1986. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is hilarious and made me almost pee my pants and laugh out loud! My entire family now thinks I’m more nuts than usual for laughing at the computer but, I’m in a great mood for the entire day after reading this!!

  1987. From now on, every whimsical spontaneous purchase – every penguin potholder, every plastic art deco-inspired lamp, aquamarine picture frame – is named Beyonce.

  1988. Thank you! I’m laughing, my friends are laughing, my daughters are laughing. There is no greater gift than cheering others. You are a gift. I’ve been married 32 years pulling stunts like this. Keep it up! Thank you, again!

  1990. Awesome! I had to stop reading several times due to the tears from laughter blurring my eyes!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!

  1991. I was driving home from Texas Tech last Sunday and actually saw 3 of those big chickens for sale between Sweetwater and Abilene. I thought who would buy one of those and where would you put it? Thanks for sharing this fun episode of your life. Loved it.

  1993. This thing is going to fawking ROCK with Christmas lights on it. On the front step of course.

  1994. Yep, definitely viral. I’ve seen this post on several FB shares.

    Officially, there’s Jenny B.C, and Jenny A.C.

    I think we know what the *C* stands for.

    I love you, dear woman!

  1997. I love it. Am always finding interesting chickens to leave for my sister in inconspicuous places. Wonder how long it would take her to find a five footer…

  1998. BAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAAAAA

    I’m crying and laughing so hard that my stomach aches… so we’re posting your link on the agile arts blog and facebook to share with others – it’s only fair to share!

    Our day will be all like “This chickn will cut you” and “Bok Bok mother…”

    Thank you for the GREAT LAUGH!!

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