And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

in Random Crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

4,348 thoughts on “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. That is possibly the best purchase anyone has made ever. You would think Victor would be grateful Beyonce wasn’t towels – of the hot pink variety or otherwise. I feel like I NEED to go shopping with you because that chicken was A BARGAIN!! Keep up the good work.

  6. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. You really, seriously and for real, need to be my best friend. I would love to have chicken adventures with you. But, alas, we are miles away. Ah, unrequited love.

    Victor just doesn’t understand the dire need to have chickens in your life. But I do.

  8. By the time I post this there will be comments, but this is literally the firs ttime I’ve ever seen a post of yours with no comments… Also, Dude. nice chicken.

  10. OMG, I love this. Poor Victor… I can’t blame him for stressing, but OMG GIANT CHICKEN!!! I seriously think I’d have been tempted too!!

  12. Oh. My. Lord. I need a friend like you who encourages this kind of behavior. Because that is AMAZING!

  13. Oh..my…god. I just laughed so hard I cried! I want a metal chicken that is as tall as me!!

  14. I don’t know if it’s because of the insomnia or the fact I have had a migraine all day or if that was the best story ever but I laughed my ass off. I’m sending my mother this link to with a note saying “Why I am not married” because you really have to build up to that kind of amazingness and I would start it on day one. I also want to know where you that chicken cuz my birthday is next month.

  15. Sigh. New Zealanders are basically drunk insomniacs. I would SO buy a 5 foot chicken for $100. You should drag him into your room next.

  18. I’m emailing this to my husband as a warning the next time he tells me not to buy something… so fucking hilarious!

  20. and my boyfriend thought i was bad when i bought a shit ton of barbies, with which to make pervy lesbian comics with… see, i told him he was overreacting.

  21. Ok, I ran across your blog from one Ms. AngryJulie on Twitter and holy crap I’m in love with you. Actually, I’m totally sending this post to my own hubby so that when I come home with some piece of randomness (earlier this year it was pillows) I can look to him and say, at least it wasn’t a five-foot tall chicken. That should settle that battle. Love.

  22. This might be the most awesome blog entry ever. Even if there are no zombies included. Not yet.

  23. Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

  24. Was it Home Goods? This looks like a Home Goods purchase.

    (It was TOTALLY Home Goods. ~ Jenny)

  25. Aaaaaw, c’mon, Victor, everybody needs a little cock in their lives! Or a big fuckin’ chicken. Seriously? I love you. I wouldve just bought towels. A five foot cock is much more effective. *nodding appreciatively*

  27. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Giant chicken. This is the single greatest thing I have seen in at least the last half hour, and I’ve seen some weird shit tonight. This whole post is the argument for why insomnia is sometimes awesome (even if it’s mostly an asshole).

  28. I really feel like the only thing you can do is add red LED lights where the eyes are located, then wheel that thing next to the sleeping form of your husband. Then you play some loud-ass, hopefully creepily metallic and not at all realistic chicken sounds (which you’ll have to purchase, of course) to awaken him. That can be on the actual anniversary, and he’ll finally realize the value of the sharp, rusty, five foot tall, $300 chicken.

  29. Where did you acquire that metal monstrosity? I ask because my parents (well…it was Mom’s doing) have a rooster motif in their kitchen and I think a giant metal rooster that gives love AND lockjaw is what’s missing.

    Also, I am neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia so I hope it’s ok that I read this.

  30. I am silently laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to wake up the people who are actually sleeping right now. I never knew I needed a big metal chicken until now. I may love Beyonce more than James Garfield, and that’s saying a lot.

  32. You have got no idea how bad I want a huge metal chicken. Even more than I wanted the real ones I have. But, my real ones are not 5ft tall, so they’re really failures.

    Did they have ducks as well?

  34. How is it that I have never felt the urge to buy a chicken the same height as menuntil this moment? If you ask me Victor is going to end up loving it. In about a couple of months you should offer to get rid of it and watch him squirm as his pride and love for Beyonce battle out internally. It’ll be at that moment you will know you’ve won.

  35. Fantastic purchase. You just can’t pass up $200 worth of free chicken! Victor will come around. He just can’t argue that logic!

    I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Brought tears to my eyes. Although my hubby seems to think it’s because I am currently sleep deprived and have hit the silly spot where everything seems hilarious. He just doesn’t get how funny a big metal chick ringing a door bell is! Men.

  38. LMAO
    Also, how is it possible to have this many comments this fast after posting, this late at night?
    Are all your readers insomniatic drunks?
    Wait, don’t answer that.

    (For the record, I’m not currently drunk. I’m just an insomniatic pregnant lady who can’t get comfy enough to sleep in her third trimester.)

  39. I am seriously disturbed by the number of parallels between your story and my experience in grad school.

    1. Ridiculous quantity of money spent
    2. My adviser frequently threatened to cut people. In the shiv kind of way.
    3. No one appreciated the hilarity of my practical jokes.
    4. I spent entirely too much time around poultry, including chickens AND turkeys.
    5. At least one fellow student had hair like the comb on your metal chicken.
    6. Long suffering husband.

  41. I am very glad you decided to post this, because it spawned a conversation with my husband that ended with me making this statement:

    “I will NOT be sitting at home like some kind of idiot asshole while you go gallivanting around at reach-around diners.”

  42. That looks *exactly* like something I would ironically fall in love with (that my husband also wouldn’t understand) like Modern Art or WIlliam Shatner. Never change. Hey! Maybe we could all send you one new, random towel. Then you can have towel and Victor can’t get mad cuz you didn’t actually buy them. But imagine his face when he discovered your stockpile of towel. Imaginarily priceless.

  44. @#41 – Cassie
    Now see, I was just going to suggest that we all send her a dollar so that Victor could no longer be mad about the chicken because WE paid for it, not Jenny. And well, the story about the chicken is WELL worth the dollar.

    That said, I’m willing to send a dollar AND a towel.

  45. It kinda makes me sad that I am divorced and cannot put a giant, shiv wielding cock at the front door–ring the bell and run and hide while my husband answers the door. The fact that a huge metal chicken can make me regret my marital status is frightening. That is one of the most AWESOME uses of $100 not spent on towels I have ever seen!

  46. Also, I think Victor is just secretly jealous because no anniversary gift he buys you could possibly top a 5-foot chicken. Don’t hate, Victor.

    And, my mom and step-dad’s 25th anniversary is July 4th. Mom says he picked it so he wouldn’t screw up and forget their anniversary. The kids still forget it sometimes though, but I blame the distraction of fireworks.

  47. I laughed out loud in my dorm when I read this part:
    “Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyonce directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” ”

    and because our walls are paper thin my jackass neighbour kept knocking on the wall…….hahahahhahaha

  48. This is hilarious. Poor Victor, though. I can imagine he’s got so much funny going on in his life he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reminds me of my third roommate in college, who my other roommate and I accidentally made cry. I can’t remember what we had done, but it was funny and roomie #3 just wasn’t playing ball.

    So be careful and don’t make Victor cry, OK?

  50. I was at the end of a very shitty day (hubby can’t fly home tonight because of the stoopid volcano ash cloud), but this post has made my day…. quite likely my week (its only Tuesday) and possible my month.
    That is so fucking funny I have been crying tears of laughter for 10 minutes already. I had to walk away twice because I couldn’t breath in between the fits of laughter….. omfg… I am coming back here more often!!
    Thanks soooo much for the laugh <3

  52. I have to say, my sympathy’s with Victor on this one. He has had to be very understanding of these purchases. James Garfield was pushing it, I think maybe Beyoncé should go back…

  54. aawwww man this links PERFECTLY with my latest blog post! Oh and I think Victor is amazing for not strangling you. Maybe you should make some Beyonce Chicken cards to sell to negate the money spent on said metallic fowl. It worked for James Garfield did it not?

  55. I can’t stop laughing and can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard! I’m not sleeping tonight and am now glad for it! You’re are Awesome Jenny! Don’t ever forget that!

  56. Please make t-shirts and cards with pictures of that chicken and “insert cock joke here” on them…. Bet the chicken turns a profit.

  58. This post is good for people with insomnia And people who have been camping and therefore felt crap. That’s a *double* win (which is a bit like a double rainbow, only with less crying and more Charlie Brooker…)

  59. Ok so that is the funniest shit I have read in a while…needed that laugh Jenny. Omg; I want one! Definitely not chicken little…lol

  61. Crying. With. Laughter. This is seriously hysterical.

    I hope you’ll be glad to know your humour is going down brilliantly in my little part of the world, the original Hampshire. 😀

  62. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I cried!! And cried!! And the kids wanted to know why I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I let them read it………………….but they didn’t get it! Maybe when they have been married for 14+ years they will get it. Or maybe not as they are all males. I get it, and I love it. Thank you for sharing.

  63. On one hand I am really worried for you because you’re not sleeping. On the other hand you are seriously fucking funny when drunk, high or sleep deprived. So I’m conflicted here. It’s like I’m laughing at your insomnia. Or because of it. I can’t be sure. See my dilemma.

    PS. Did you find any more info on citronella and valilla essence as a scorpion repellant?

  64. I bet they were excited to see the chicken go to a loving home.

  66. bahahaha this is hilarious! And also, a really great gift idea for my mother. No joke. She would die for this. Where did you get it?

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  67. I choked on how big that cock was and so did my significant other who whimsically said why wasn’t mine as big as that.

    My manhood is at -1000 XP

  72. Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for years and I don’t remember ever laughing as hard as I did with this post. When I scrolled down to the picture of the chicken in front of the door, my coffee almost came out of my nose. Which sort of hurts.

  73. Dang, I with the fights I have with my husband were half as interesting as the ones you have with Victor. On the bright side, we’ll be having our 15th anniversary in a year and a half, so I’ll be on the look out for a large metal chicken. Hmmm. Except I’m in decluttering mode and there isn’t room in his man-cave and we don’t have a back hard (though it would look mighty fine in the front yard, except — despite the size — I’m concert the the neighborhood hooligans would wander off with it)… maybe I’ll try to find him a small, desk-sized metal chicken. It’s a good thing I have a year and a half to find it.

  74. I think I see the problem. Fifteen years is Big Metal Chickens and you got him a Big Metal Rooster. Awkward.

    You may have to take him through gender reassignment. And by him, I mean the rooster.

  75. You are so brilliant! You totally win that battle. Giant Chicken Beyonce rules…seriously you gave Victor such a practical gift.

  80. You are a genius and I love you. Thank you for the chicken-at-the-front-door photo. I have not laughed that hard since you took a picture of your parents back yard.

    Also, i think you could use Beyonce as a towel holder, if you wanted.

  83. WANT. I’d use it as a chicken decoy, to draw REAL chickens to my front yard. But only because I appreciate nature. And dinner. Because I’m capable of killing two birds with one stone, both figuratively and literally, I think.

  85. Oh my god, I wish we were BFFs and we went shopping together like every single day and bought stuff because it’d be awesome. I have a habit of buying things simply because they are hilarious. It’s why I have a ~1 ft tall colorful chicken in my kitchen.

    Also, for Christmas my mom got me a wooden box full of tea. With a cock on it. She said she spent the longest time trying to find some sort of assortment of tea without a rooster so that she would not have to deal with me announcing that I had received a cock box all day long.

    Victor should be happy that you didn’t put your mighty cock behind the couch so that anyone who sat back was in danger of being pecked in the head.

  86. This was nothing short of the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week… maybe all month. “That’s $200 worth of chicken for free!” Just when I think I should stop paying attention to you, you send me this and totally redeem yourself. Once again, glad to be following.

  87. Happy anniversary! We’re celebrating 8 years today.

    I would love to have a goddamned cock lawn ornament, but I worry that my king cobra lawn ornament would want to eat it (can you see the headlines? The snake eats the cock??) Besides, the lawn gnomes are already stressed out as it is.

    Yes, our neighbors LOVE US.

  88. It kind of looks like the good luck chickens they make in Portugal, only giant sized. If Victor tries to get rid of it, tell him he’ll have bad luck for years. Happy 15th anniversary!

  89. 15 is the giant metal chicken year?! Where am I going to find another giant metal chicken?!

    Happy Anniversary. 15 is awesome.

  90. Victor DOES know what a lucky man he is, right? Nobody else I know gets life lessons like this on such a regular basis.

  92. Wow! My 15th anniversary is next week, and I had no idea that the 15th is Big Metal Chickens! Once again, your blog is both timely and informative! My husband will be so pleased.

  93. You know, maybe he hates it not just for it’s aesthetic value an utter impracticality. No every man wants to be given a giant cock as an Anniversary gift. Subliminal messages are messing with him, telling him he doesn’t measure up… But then again, you can flip that right around and say it is in honor of 15 years of enjoying his “big chicken.” Cheers. VB

  94. Oh. My. God. It may be because I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row for the last 9 months, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in, well, forever. Thank you. And tell Victor thanks, too, for hating towles so much.

  95. OMG. Truly in hysterics over here. Like I had to wait for my breathing to get to seminormal before I attempted typing. I think the best thing for me is that in my pre-caffeinated haze, I didn’t fully take in the size of the chicken, even in the photo in the store, I thought it might have just been a chicken head. But then I got to the photo of the chicken at your door and could not control the laughter as I finally took in the spectacle of what $300 of chicken looks like.
    Happy anniversary to you and welcome to the family to Beyoncé.

  99. I love this. Still laughing very hard! Bringing home a metal chicken in lieu of towels was def not what a husband would expect. God I love this post. You are flippin’ awesome!

  101. I want you to know that I plan on quietly saying, “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” To EVERYONE I see today. Everyone.

    You just made today worth it.

  103. I can’t wait to get to 15 years so I can get a Big Metal Chicken for my anniversary! And I so LOVE that you named him Beyonce….that is fuckin awesome! You so made my migraine better this morning.

    Knock knock motherfucker

  105. I have tears streaming down my face. This is the greatest chicken story in the story of chickens. Beyonce is Legend! Love!

  106. I am lmao at you two in the store causing a commotion. It is awesome that yu have a friend equally crazy enough to see the value in this amazing piece of art.

  108. And all this time I’ve thought my $5 (on clearance–originally $20) peacock was impressive. Now I know better.

  111. Oh. My. God. That is awesome.
    Make a tshirt about this, stat.
    I will buy it.
    Because I will NOT buy a chicken like that.
    Damn stores around here aren’t carrying any.
    Assholes.

  112. Goddamn right! That is one of the best chicken purchases I have ever seen! I would spend $100 on that in the drop of a chicken beak! Think of the uses!

  113. Isn’t that a rooster?! I think this post would have been lots funnier if you said ‘cock’ more. I mean, it’s hilarious, but that would have brought Beyonce to a whole other level.

  114. Did they have any giant flamingos? I would totally drive to Texas and rent a Uhaul if the had 5 foot metal flamingos.

  115. I can see my husband buying that just so he could say to people, “Hey, wanna see my 5 foot cock?” But he’d have been just as happy with towels since we ALWAYS seem to be short on towels.

  116. Am I the only one who wants to see what kind of fucked up, sharp-ass eggs that cock would sire?

  117. I didn’t realize until just now that anniversaries are competitive events, and that, if you do them correctly, there should be a clear winner. My wife will be so happy that, after 30 years, I will finally get this right. Can you do birthdays the same way. Mine’s coming up, and I NEED one of those chickens.

  118. Put me down for sending you a towel in the mail. Maybe I’ll even do an iron-on transfer of a chicken. You know, to coordinate with Beyonce.

  119. What disgruntled employee at what failing company came up with the idea for that chicken do you think?

    That said, brava.

  120. Victor needs to get over it. I mean, it could be worse – you could have bought him 2 giant metal balls like we have near the Main Building at the University of Texas, passing as “art.” Course, the theme *is* similar — giant balls, giant cock . . . interesting.

    (And I would totally donate a dollar towards the cause to help Victor feel better about your purchase).

  121. AWESOME. I’m still astonished that a 5 foot metal decorative chicken is an item for sale in a store anywhere….I want to know who’s buying these for non-hilarious purposes.

  123. LMFOA!!! At work in open-plan office!! Not good!!

    Also, have sent link to husband for training purposes. Be thankful we have towels, young man, and no 5ft metal chickens. (Is it just me or does Beyonce remind you of the Wallace and Gromit penguin with a washing up glove on its head? Sinister.)

  125. Love it!!! I have a 3 foot chicken that is very similar. His name is Henry and he is perched on top of our fridge and looks down at us. I like to think he’s watching over us and protecting us.

  128. I can’t breathe!

    I love how you have the big rock on the chickens feet to hold him in place, so that he can’t run in the house and mix it up with James Garfield.

  129. I am totally filing this little tidbit away for when my husband won’t let me buy something I want. I just hope it’s around our anniversary.

    And I already have picked out my own chicken. But it’s a suit of armor from Garden Ridge. I might get two. One in gold and one in silver. Because I’m kind of fickle. And I think I’ll name the gold one Benoit, and the silver one Ray.

    Thanks for the shopping tip. Can’t wait to use it.

    C-

  130. I read you all the time and find you hilarious. But this takes the cake.

    Totally the best chicken story I’ve ever heard, and that includes all the reasons I’ve heard it crossed the road.

  131. I bloody adore you, woman.

    Though technically, Beyonce is a rooster. So perhaps Victor is offended that you bought him a giant metal cock for your anniversary?

    Anyway, nice cock, dude. All the single chickens, all the single chickens…..now put yer beaks up, beaks up…..

  132. Thank you, I’ve never laughed so hard, like ever, plus I’m deep in the throes of PMS-depression, but I now believe that husband-aggravating giant chickens may be the long sought after cure for that affliction…Also, Please tell Victor I’m laughing WITH him not AT him every time I visualize that damn chicken just standing there, being NOT TOWELS, and staring blankly into his window

  134. Did James Garfield teach Victor nothing? Just wait. Come Holiday season, when Beyonce joins The Bloggess League of Unlikely Saints, and starts performing miracles and shit, Victor will change his tune. Unless he *wants* children to go without food and toys?

  135. That is one fantastic cock. I don’t know how Victor managed not to totally lose his shit laughing all over the place. Completely fantastic.

  136. I seriously can’t stop laughing. I laughed so hard I woke my kids up.
    *best*

  137. What man wouldn’t appreciate a GIANT METAL CHICKEN!?

    Oh, I asked my husband. Apparently none.

    Why do we keep them around again?

  138. Return it for not being able to stand, get discounted more, and buy towels with the free money. Thrifty is sexy, so he’ll appreciate that! However could he compete with this gift?! He couldn’t.

  140. nothing says happy anniversary like big cock!

    p.s. every time i think of “knock – knock, motherfucker” i crack up. i so needed this today. xoxo

  143. Loved the Knock Knock Motherfucker, I just about died laughing at this comment…

    “Bok Bok Motherfucker”

  144. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

    I could have so used a 5′ cock on my door step this morning. Thank you for being the ward of unwanted animal bizarrities. I needed this chicken story this morning.

    -robin sans giant chicken

  145. My did almost the same thing. They were at Burlington and saw this two ducks. They had been marked down from from a lot to $12.50 each. So they bought them and they’ve lived in our backyard ever since. The employees were sad to see them go.

  146. Husband and “co-worker at home guy” came into my office to find out what was making me laugh and choke and spit Diet Dr.Pepper out of my nose, wonderful. Thanks for the yucks.

  147. I’m not going to lie.

    I kind of hope that is exactly what I get for my 15th anniversary.

    I wonder if they ship to Seattle.

  148. Jenny, I feel I should warn you about the following possibility: Leaving Beyonce in the woods outside is just asking for wasps to build nests in there. Which is fine if you never move him, but if Victor ever does decide to move him… that chicken will not only cut him, but also sting him unmercifully. Once a wasp built a nest right inside the door to my gas tank. Those Texas wasps are sneaky little things. You want to fill up your Jeep and then SURPRISE! an angry disoriented wasp flies out at you.

    On the other hand, a giant metal chicken that shoots wasps at you sounds like just the sort of thing that you might enjoy. So, enjoy!

  149. Tell me where to send the dollar and a towel. Seriously. Tell me. Because I have not laughed so hard and for so long… I will totally help pay off that purchase. And lord knows, if there’s anything I love, it’s a huge…chicken.

  150. Aww, why can’t I ever find 5-foot-tall metal chickens on clearance for 1/3rd of the price? Jealous.

    Oh, and that’s a HUGE COCK! Bwahaha I couldn’t help myself.

  153. That. Is. Awesome. Thinking about doing something like that to my fiance, just to go ahead and break him in.
    Also, awesome, awesome friend. Good friends make friends buy ugly crazy crap.

  154. No wonder he’s pissed!

    HE is supposed to be giving YOU a big cock for your anniversary. NOT the other way around.

  156. Seriously I am moving … we don’t have amazing cool shit here at all…. I want one…

    Honestly I think that Victor is an asshole, because only assholes see the world of huge metal chickens in a bad way. The only thing that would make it better is to have it on your porch and install a sensor that when people walk by it says “Only knock if you have brass ones” Or something like that in the voice of “chicken hawk” … remember him???

  157. First time blg reader here. I was only able to post after I wiped my eyes with a tissue. Freakin’ hysterical.

  160. You are my hero. I love that your sense of whimsy does not quail before a giant metal chicken. Thanks for making another happy spot on my mental landscape.

  162. That’s LMAO great! Totally worth $100. I love you have it watching him through the window. I bet he gets more work done with inspiration just a glance away.

  163. “15 Years Is Big Metal Chickens” sounds like the perfect title for the pilot episode of the Jenny and Victor show. Maybe you should start writing it. He probably will forgive you (in time) if you became a big Hollywood writer AND you could buy him a bigger house with more bathrooms, more linen closets (for the towels), and room for the lawn art* collection.

    *art is used loosely here…

  164. Brilliant! Love It. My wife & I are reaching our 10th anniversary and I quite honestly feel as if we have the same relationship as you do here! Thanks for the ideas…pick your own battles!

  165. I so understand exactly how you feel. I once bought a very soft stuffed F.R.O.G that was plushy with blue and white flowers at a Mobil Mart because the letters stood for Fully Rely On God and I was drunk and it was like 3 am and how could I not buy a God F.R.O.G that was sending me spiritual messages at a gas station. But some how when I got in the car with my new shaman my husband picked a fight with me and told me I was bad with money and I was all like “DUDE, for like 2.99 I have been saved!!!”

    He didn’t believe me. And now the F.R.O.G. sits in my underwear bin being a pervert.

  166. This post completely made my day! And the chicken standing at the front door = best photo ever! Happy Anniversary – Victor is a lucky man!

  167. I am so, so glad that if I came home with that chicken, my boyfriend would be all THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING I LOVE YOU. And if I went to the store with him and we saw one, HE would be the one going RACHAEL WE NEED THIS. And I would say: “YEAH we do.” And we’d have a chicken. Where can I get a chicken?

  168. You need to make Happy Anniversary cards from Beyonce now and sell them to help pay for her room & board. Then Victor can’t complain about how you much you spent b/c it was both an investment and you were giving a giant homeless Cock a yard to play in and a window thru which to watch Victor endlessly.

    P.S. You should totally put some blinking L.E.D. lights in the eyes then wait till night to turn them on & off to scare the crap out of Victor.

  170. OMG….frickin’ hilarious. My husband is also always bitching about towels. I’m on a mission now for a giant “chicken/cock”….lol

  172. We’ve only been married for nine years, but we’ve been together for fifteen. Does that count? Because I really, really need to get Mister W a giant metal chicken.

  175. When I have my 15th wedding anniversary in a few years, I want to go shopping with you. Seriously. I will find a way to transport you to Missouri, so that we can go shopping for something equally as awesome as a five foot rusty sharp chicken.

  176. Ohhh goodness … I’m dyin’ over here on Vancouver Island! I think the hundred bucks you spent on Beyonce was just about the best thing you could have done. I’ll be laughing over this story for days.

    😉

  177. If I had a giant metal chicken…my life would be complete. Especially if it was a freakin $300 quality chicken for the price of $100! I don’t know what’s wrong with the world if it had to go on sale! I’m honestly surprised it didn’t sell out in seconds! >.<

  179. I blogged about a giant metal chicken last week! but I didn’t buy him (or her, I admit, I am not sure) but I should have. he would look awesome in my cubicle. Giant metal chickens are the new black.

  180. I’ve just been a lurker until now.
    But seriously “Knock Knock Motherfucker.”
    You made my day.

  182. I sent this to my boyfriend. He felt the need to call and tell me “No chickens!!!” I feel like he knows me too well.

  186. This just made me laugh so hard I cried. I aspire to maybe being, one day, a vague reflection of your greatness. If only my budget would allow me a five foot tall metal chicken o_o

  188. That. Is. Fan.Fucking.Tastic.
    Also? I brought home a distant cousin in December! I got the same reaction, except mine was at the airport. he just hung his head in bewilderment.

  191. My headache & my vocal baby must be messing with my head. By the end of this it was a 15 foot chicken! Hey Victor, at least it wasn’t a 15 foot chicken standing at your door! Now I must look for the 15 foot chicken for my 15th anniversary. I’ve got 9 years to find him. Nah, I like cats. So it would have to be a 15 foot cat staring down at my husband. Ok, carry on 😀

  193. I totally would have rang the bell and hidden as well. But my husband would have probably picked it up and heaved it across the road or something, because he is easy to rattle. lol Happy Anniversary! May you have many more. I think 16 is towels, by the way.

  195. I started out grateful I don’t have to ask permission to buy towels. Now I’m wishing I had someone to aggravate with a giant rusty chicken. Come to think of it, the aldermen who voted against allowing a 4-H member to have chickens in our city might deserve a visit from mega-chicken . . .

  197. First of all, Victor needs to lose the damn attitude, you didn’t get towels, he needs to be a hell of a lot more specific YOU NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PSYCHIC, how the hell were you supposed to know he wouldn’t like a 5 foot metal chicken named Beyonce? Jezus Victor get in the game dude, it’s like you don’t even know her and shit? Be Specific ! When you were all flipping injuring your self in another country all AWOL with her passport locked up and being selfish she was there ( not physically because you fucking locked up her passport and wouldn’t tell her the town because you were huffing mexican jumping beans to deal with the pain or whatever) but mentally dude, she was there. Now this? Let me tell you something dude, if You got Jenny a 5 foot cock for you guys 15 year anniversary she would lock her self in her room and punch shit. Mostly because punching shit would hurt her hands but that’s besides the point. Right now Victor I am pretty upset with your reaction, which is bad timing on your part considering our local 60 year goofy putt putt golf place just went out of business and they have shit tons of crazy huge things for sale. You better get in line man.

  198. If you didn”t love Beyonce before, you gotta love her now. Thanx for sharing. Hilarious.

  199. I have solutions ! Move the 5 foot cock into the bathroom and hang the pink towels on it. Make Victor ONLY use pink towels hung from the beak of the big rooster. There. phew, solved. you’re welcome.

  202. Dear Jenny’s Blog,
    Jenny can’t be with you right now, but she loves you and misses you very much. She will come back to you as soon as she can, but don’t be scared or sad because we are all here to love you and take care of you until she gets back.

    XOXO,
    Aunt Erin

  203. Hi Jenny’s blog.

    Jenny asked me to drop by and tell you that she misses you. Don’t worry I’m sure she’ll come back soon.

  205. That second photo just made my day. It was even better than the broadcast email we just got from the cafeteria chef advertising today’s lunch special in all caps:

    “SANGRE DE CHRISTO NACHOS $6.00”

    Because who doesn’t want BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS?

  206. My eyes are full of tears right now, from the hysterical laughter. That photo of the chicken on the doorstep is pure platinum awesomeness.

    And the thought of a rooster named Beyonce is even more hilarious. I had no idea you could buy a gay metal rooster that will cut you.

  207. I think you have a very grand entry way to your house. Beyoncé belongs there. Not only is she an awesome conversation starter, she will scare away any and all solicitors you might get.

  209. This is all 100% true and exactly how it happened. Only the giant metal chicken was only $99, not $100. Also, Victor still owes me a better reaction. And I will collect. Oh yes I will.

  210. Your cock is colorful and beautiful! The ones I’ve seen around here (and contemplated stealing) are not painted and have the general rusty old cock look. Excellent purchase!

  211. fan-freaking-tastic! why don’t they sell those at my local discount stores? i’d buy all of them and hand them out as christmas presents! haha victor!

  212. OH MY WORD! I SO need that chicken! Thanks for the laugh. totally needed it.

  213. This is, quite possibly, the most hilarious story involving Victor yet. I am at work, and now everyone sitting around me wants to know what’s so funny that I am snorting and yelling “Chicken!”. So, congratulations – you now have like 15 new readers. You’re welcome.

  214. I can’t get past the fact that Beyonce is a cock. A rooster, not a chicken, right? She is also AWESOME! Beyonce, transgender 5 foot rooster/cock/chicken!!!!!

  215. That is such a valid argument and you have a heart of gold for getting Victor the best Anniversary gift EVER! Who can say No to Beyonce?? 🙂 And yes, he should be so glad Beyonce is not towels.

  216. Victor probably has a case of cock envy. Had you gotten a female instead of male, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

  218. The caption on that photo really needs to say “knock knock, motherclucker” instead.

    Brilliant! I love Beyonce and look forward to Beyonce’s many adventures.

  219. You could position Beyonce outside your bathroom door and she could hold towels for you. Win-win.
    The caption “knock, knock motherfucker” made me snort!
    Victor is a very lucky guy. Either that or he is highly medicated.

  222. This is why you’re awesome. You do all the stuff I’m too chicken to do.

    Also, I’m confused by the sign behind you in the store that says, “Prices are 20% to 60% less everyday.” Why would I buy anything today if I know it’s going to be 20% to 60% less tomorrow? That’s terrible store management.

  223. Did someone already say how this is a classic example of life imitating art? Or art imitating art? Because this is just like Victor is Peter Griffin and that chicken is the Giant Chicken. And anyone who says “Family Guy” isn’t art can just fuck off.

  226. I really need to stop reading these at work! I’m so gonna get fired for laughing by myself and disturbing the others.

  227. I died laughing when I read, “This chicken will cut you.” Bwahahahahaahah! You need a tin sign that reads the sentiment. I love it. I’m totally wanting one.

    Towels would have so cost you $50, so the money is a wash. Enjoy your cock!

  229. DAMN! I need a Chicken like that! But can I steal the name O’Shannesy for my chicken? I totally have to go to Ross or those other discount places and find a chicken like this. My neighbors would HATE it and it would be awesome and win my neighborhood.

  230. Holy mother, this made my cry, it was that hysterical. I would have unoriginally named him Kellogg, but I’m glad you saw his booty shaking abilities. When he fell in the store you should have demanded a discount because he was dented. Just like the old ladies with cans who always get in line in front of me.

  232. Best fuckin’ post evah~Just forwarded it to my OWN husband….as a warning.

  234. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

    I don’t know why that made me giggle so, but it did.

    I imagine a giant metal chicken at your door is a small step down from a decapitated horse head in your bed. Happy Anniversary!

  235. Mr. Snarky should consider himself lucky that I mostly shop online, for clothes and shoes. Until I order five-foot-tall stripper heels, this is win-win for him and he doesn’t even know it!

    P.S. That second pic is so full of win that I can’t STAND it. Honestly I think you should just keep it at the front door like that.

  236. There is nothing I don’t love about Home Goods, nothing. And nothing I don’t love about your stories. And I’m in the midst of a deep fucking depression and haven’t left the house in days, but I tried to sound borderline suicidal on the phone with my psychiatrist’s office so they are letting me come in before July 15, which is when he actually has an appointment open, and when I get to his office and peek around the corner to let him know I’m there: ” Knock-knock, motherfucker….”

    He has a good sense of humor.

    Thanks for a moment of cheer!

  237. Awesome! It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just bought him a bottle of vodka and made him a card photoshopping his face onto ‘Neo’ from the Matrix (long story… don’t ask). I hope he doesn’t see this post or he’ll want to know how come he didn’t get a 5ft metal chicken. If only it was solar powered and lit up after dark then that would be like the best present ever.
    Hugs
    DHW x

  239. I am so excited to know that chickens are the 15th anniversary gift. And not some lame-ass towels. The chicken fund saving has begun – three full years until my own 5 foot Beyonce. Cluckin’ A!

  240. i can totally identify with a guy named Beyonce – except the other way round. No, not a beyonce named Guy! You know what I mean.

    And when I start doing standup again (real soon so get your tickets now!), I’m going to do at least one “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” joke. I swear I am.

  241. You know, I was thinking about the James Garfield postcard project to raise money to subsidize the cost of James Garfield and I think the Knock Knock Motherfucker picture would make for an excellent line of anniversary greeting cards.

  242. the picture of Beyonce at the front door is now my new wallpaper on my computer. awesome.

  243. Just think of all the things you can do to this chicken such as hang plastic neon eggs from it at Easter and wrap it in lights at Christmas.

  244. Awesome anniversary gift, Jenny! What a DEAL….. Sorry Victor doesn’t appreciate Beyonce. Give him time….

  247. So I just spent two whole minutes trying to figure out where the bottom half of your body was in the pic of you hugging the giant cock, er, chicken. Because I need glasses, apparently. Or I’m not bright. Either one, really.

    Moral of the story: if I get fired for viewing inappropriate stuff on the internets at work, it’s totally Victor’s fault.

  249. This was beautiful. I have the checkmate I need to win all arguments with my husband now. Thank you. Perspective. I have it.

  251. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    TO FIND ITS HOT PINK, MOTHER-FUCKING BEACH TOWELS.

    I think you should drape one of the towels around Beyonce. Then leave the she-cock in the bathroom when Victor is in the shower.

  252. EVERYTHING about this post is why I now have a wet spot on my office chair.

    Plus you owe me a pair of new jeans.

    But I would TOTALLY take Beyonce in trade.

  253. I, for one, would like some greeting cards with that giant metal chicken at the front door photo on them, and blank inside. Many sentiments can be expressed via that photo: You say I never come visit, but you should be careful what you wish for; Surprise! we’re having a baby (chicken)!; Remember that money you owe me? I’d like it back; Congratulations on your new pet – oh it’s not a chicken? how banal; Congratulations on the new baby – I’d heard the stork had been replaced but this outsourcing trend is out of control; etc.
    Victor, as usual, is possessed of an appalling lack of imagination, but then couples are supposed to be complementary, so maybe he just needs to appreciate how much money Beyonce will bring in. Please let me know when I can buy my greeting/note cards.

  254. I just laughed so hard I woke up my 3 week-old newborn and now she’s screaming bloody murder but you know what? WORTH IT.

    Freaking awesome.

  255. omg…omg…I can’t even…ohh lord…

    we just happen to need new towels. My husband disagrees. I wish I had your balls.

  256. I’ve been following you for a while now, and have never left a comment. I have tweeted at you, and you followed me back so I felt like a celebrity for a few minutes one night. BUT I have to say, this is one of my favorite posts EVER, if not THEEE TOP FAVORITE. I’m not sure yet. But I can’t think of another I’ve enjoyed so much. The only thing that would make it better is if I had been there in person. But that would have involved ALOT of stalking and hunting you down and what not, and I’m just too lazy for all that shit. So that’s why I felt compelled to comment. Keep up the good work, and Happy Anniversary!

  257. Oh, my god, Jenny… I apologize to Victor, but I can’t stop laughing. Now I want a 5-foot metal chicken, dammit! Xander could use a little surprise to come home to.

    Like, “Honey, you know how you always have a raging cock for me? …I feel bad that I never have one for you…Fixed!”

  258. Oh my gosh. I love you so much. I can not stop laughing. You totally made my day. I want to be your neighbor, and your best friend – no both. Will you be my neighbor?

    XOXO,
    ld

  259. This is friggin hilarious. Thank you for this. I want a Beyonce’ too!

  260. I don’t think I will take suggestions for an anniversary present from you, but I will say I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!

    And now I want that chicken! They have them ALL over Texas (I so don’t get it) but that is the biggest one I have seen and I want it!

  261. I need one of these!! No, seriously.

    While it would completely annoy my husband I just think it would add so much to my back porch which is a bunch of gypsy cowgirl junk <3

  262. Oh… I forgot, where can I buy one!?!?!? I saw you are near Houston so DFW isn’t too far.

    (They have a 6 foot one at Home Goods in San Antonio ~ Jenny)

  263. This was the last post that I read last night. And the first post that I’m commenting on today. It is so memorable. I had to post it on all of my social networking sites, to share the love. Thank you Jenny for making a crappy week so much better. I wish I was in Texas to experience to the joy of shopping with you and Laura. Oh the fun we could have….

  264. I haven’t laughed this hard since you introduced us to James Garfield. I desperately need a giant rooster now…

  265. OK, let me get this straight.
    Victor wanted you wet and dirty (or at least not dried and clean) so you went off and bought a huge metal cock?
    AND it can sing! (Beyonce, duh)

    You never display Victor on the lawn, that’s why he’s mad, he feels rejected. But really he should be all “I’m such a man my wife had to get a 5′ one to make me feel small”.

  266. Um, I mean, has Victor READ your blog or even been paying attention the past fifteen years? “Don’t buy towels” is like a CHALLENGE to come home with something FAR MORE ridiculous to display your condescending amusement at his restrictions. BAM FIVE FOOT METAL CHICKEN, how do towels look NOW?!

  268. And now that the demand for 5 foot metal chickens is inevitably going to skyrocket due to this post, he is probably worth more than you paid for him. SO it was like an investment.

  269. I bought a giant chicken at Pecan Street last fall and had to walk back to our booth with it. I couldn’t see shit and walking slowly as to avoid a cocktastrophe. Still a drunk asshole slammed right into me and down I went onto 6th street with a giant chicken right on top of me. I bet it’s on YouTube somewhere.

  272. Oh geez. That was friggin hilarious. I love the chicken and I absolutely love that you’d be brave enough to drop that sucker off at someone’s house to cheer them up or show them things could be worse. Although that might be easier if it were not 5 feet and weighing in at, say, a decent amount of pounds? Love it.

  273. And to think that I got rid of my big, metal chicken just before my 15th anniversary! Oh, that parting was NOT sweet sorrow 😀

  274. I fucking love Beyonce and I don’t live that far from you so there might be a Beyonce in my future. Because, hello? Clearance!

    Two weekends ago we were in Marble Falls and I found three giant metal chickens except they were MARIACHI chickens and they were $600. Walking away from them was one of the hardest moments of my life.

  275. Thank-you for a great laugh, and a lesson on the “Passive-Aggressive Argument” technique…

    I’m thinking Victor may have learned a lesson here?

  277. 15 years is big metal chicken! this makes me want to watch super troopers and bow to your brilliance. This might be my favorite bloggess story ever.

  281. What a great way to make some extra scratch (pun intended). You can post flyers advertising a private in house Beyonce concert and sell tickets. Download songs sung by chickens (they exist) and when people get there you can play the chicken music. I would totally go!

  282. Victor is surprisingly hard to rattle because he has a wildebeest head on his wall and some other weird animals and his father-in-law is a taxidermist. Just sayin’

  284. Yeah, you BOUGHT a giant metal chicken, but whose badass idea was it to MAKE the giant metal chicken(s)?

    (Spoiler: Not mine. But someone out there is pretty badass.)

  285. This is the kind of behavior that tells me you have a failing marriage or at least are headed for one. If your husband was being unreasonable, then you communicate and let it go, putting the ball in his court. You should have given him time to think about it, even if that meant a few weeks of going without your towels. Instead, you went behind his back, commiserated with another friend about him (a betrayal of trust in the marriage) and wasted money anyway on something that, while harmless in and of itself, amounted to a “fuck you” to your husband. If I were you, I would consider some marriage counseling, focusing on healthy communication and problem resolution and compromise.

  289. Has no one else wondered how one gets a 5 foot chicken home to begin with?

    I feel like at some point your response to Victor should have been: “Well, CLUCK YOU, Motherclucker!”

  290. My sister sent this to me knowing full well my 9th anniversary is tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to give that to my husband!

    Wonderful!

  292. I can’t even stop laughing long enough here to leave a decent comment.

    I want that picture for a poster in my kitchen.

    How do I do that???

  294. I very rarely crack up by myself in front of my computer… But this did it. Totally. HI-larious! I’ve shared with my husband and told him to watch his battle-pickin’ or we’ll end up with a giant chicken, too. 😛

  296. Your actions were childish, cowardly and wasteful. All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you, how fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore? Oh yeh, go buy a damn chicken made of scrap metal and put it in his face to purposely piss him off. What the fuck? I really wonder how you’d react if he treated you in the same manner, but hey at least he’s a big fucking joke to you.

    PS – I see you only approve positive comments supporting your website and actions because I’d be a bit damn surprised if you actually allowed what i have to say to you on this.

  298. This has inspired me to name the next chicken we add to our flock “Beyonce.”.
    I am dying with laughter now. I read this to my coworker, and she’s all “that is SO Jenesque!” which is how she describes anything that sounds like me. I laughed when I saw your name was Jen too, because hey, it’s now doubly Jenesque!

  299. I’m pretty sure that someone, somewhere would be willing to sponsor Beyonce for a trip to BlogHer. Just sayin’

  300. omg i’m crying reading this. it sounds just like life at my house – just with a 5′ tall teddy bear instead of a metal chicken. thanks for the giggles!

  302. This is HILARIOUS. I was having a bad day and then I came across this post and my day suddenly got so much better. I needed this laughter and whimsy.

  304. All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies
    Now put your hands up

    Up in the club, we just broke up
    I’m doing my own little thing
    You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
    Cause another brother noticed me
    I’m up on him, he up on me
    don’t pay him any attention
    Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
    Ya can’t be mad at me

    Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it
    Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it

    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok
    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok

  306. This was SO funny! I just came across your blog and I am laughing so hard at this post. I’m at work right now and a cleaner is in my classroom and I must look like an idiot because I’m shaking from trying not to laugh out loud while she’s in here! I need a giant chicken on-hand just so I can pull it out when necessary!

  307. I just texted my honey “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” .. he responded with “are you high?” .. little does he know I’m just warning him! I need a giant cock in my life. (And yes, you can read an insult into that.)

  308. You need to move him into the bedroom so that victor wakes up to the giant chicken staring him in the eyes. Awesome.

  310. Wow. Just. Wow. It makes my chicken with the reflector in its stomach that I got in New Mexico at an awesome truck stop look downright…PUNY. Plus Beyonce has a pink neck. I’m not gonna show this post to my chicken with the reflector in its stomach. It’ll give him a complex. He doesn’t have a pink neck.

  311. Wow, Victor…way to be Captain Funsucker. And, to Charlie Red…..Dude…seriously??!!

  314. I’m trying to imagine what my ex would have thought if I’d brought that much cock home. Sort of makes me wanna get married again! Also, from now on maybe Victor should only be allowed to use the hot pick beach towels? 😀 Nice work!

  315. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I’m laughing SO HARD I’m crying!! Marriages need more humor like yours!! Hope your hubby can see the joke soon!!

  316. Wow what the hell is wrong with Charlie Red? I never understand the impulse to work up the vitrol to attach a blogger about a persona story. If you don’t like the story- go the faulk away. No one here wants to ready your comment- assmunch.

  317. Seriously, if you ever want to get rid of Beyonce, I will gladly take her. I collect them and the largest one I have is a 3 1/2 foot wooden cock I got on the beaches of Jamaica. I named him Shakespeare. In my house, only the really big ones get names.

  321. Dying over here I am laughing so hard. I just celebrated my sweet 16 with mr. k. I get it. There is a lot to it.
    I need that chicken. Or to have you for a neighbor so I can pay it some visits now and then.
    *** (200 dollars worth of free chicken?? cracking up!) ****

  322. Well the question to ask yourself now is do you want to spend your future with your chicken or your husband. Because every day he looks at it, it will fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

    Where do you plan to go from here?

  323. That’s true, because my first marriage ended by “festering chicken”.

    Where do I plan to go from here? Honestly? I’m kind of hoping that Charlie Red from comment 296 is single. Because that man sounds like a joy to be with, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s totally into me.

  325. I think Charlie Red is also jealous of the 5′ cock, though I am hoping that Jenny is coming up with a funny comment to put below his because come on, Nathan/Victor and Blank/Mom were almost as funny as “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”

    GO JENNY! SUCK IT, HATERS!

  327. Total Win. I do feel for Victor, but after 15 years he really ought to know what this ride is all about. Just absolutely love this!

  329. that is flippin’ hilarious. i looooooove the chicken, but i have to say i feel a little sorry for poor victor. however… i’m all about gettin’ $200 of chicken for FREEEEEEEEEEEEE… keep it, honey. ;o)

  331. Hey everyone Charlie Red’s name is linked to his site. You can’t comment on his posts (of course not) BUT…we can email him!

    You’ve got mail, mother fucker. BOO-YAH!!

  332. Crap, my tenth anniversary is coming up in August. What the hell do I do now? A three foot papier mache pig? Bloggess, you make the anniversary gift giving standards wayyyyyy to high.

  333. Oh hell. I just snorted when I read the caption underneath the picture of the chicken at the front door.

  334. Ok! Love the story! I want a chicken like that! Where did you get it?

  335. this was friggin hilarious!!!!! I love how your mind works!!! lol……….

  336. “All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you.” Now *that* cracked me up, Charlie.

  338. This sounds like conversations I’ve had with friends while shopping, usually involving platform heels and feather boas. The chicken is by far more awesome.

  339. If Victor doesn’t come around I think you should put the chicken in your bed – Godfather style (only don’t really kill the chicken, this is just for pretend).

  343. That chicken has Homegoods purchase written all over it. I have a paper mache giraffe that would go perfectly with it.

  344. This is awesome. Last Sunday, I went to the farmer’s market and forgot that my guy told me not to buy any more tomato plants and I bought a dozen tomato plants. I still have them in my car. Now, I can show him this post and then bring in the tomato plants and tell him “at least it’s not a five-foot-tall metal chicken.” Laura was right. Perspective is everything.

  345. This is absolutely hilarious!! How did I not know about your blog before this day…I cannot tell you the last time I laughed this hard and boy did I really need that today

  346. My neighbor and I love these sorts of adventures. We would like to know you and Laura and buy you both a drink! And the chicken is AWESOME!

  347. Ha. Maybe you will get some towels for your birthday?;) If not, I vote for Beyonce find a friend around Christmas time to sit out there in the yard with him! 😉

  348. OMG! This is the best blog post I have ever ever read in my life!!! #1 – I wish Beyonce was on my doorstep…. #2 You made my day!

  351. Oh my goodness I just laughed so hard I cried. Clearly you are full of win!

  354. And besides? Now the chicken is an officially tax-deductible chicken. I can’t wait to see that line on your tax return. Beyoncé – Metal Chicken – $100.

  357. Is Charlie Red being ironic? He must be. Hipsters only live their lives ironically.

    This post is now 100 % more awesome thanks to that dude.

  358. I have been giggling for ten solid minutes. This is awesome! Knock-knock, motherfucker.
    This cock has so many hilarious possibilities!

  360. This is easily the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a blog post. And just as I was lamenting having to laugh by myself, my friend came online and was all, “OMG HAVE YOU SEEN BEYONCE? THE CHICKEN BEYONCE?” It was awesome.

    Also awesome–how many people think this chicken is going to end your marriage. I’ve noticed that everyone who thinks this also seems to be sexist. Who would have thought “offended by giant chickens” and “sexist” went hand in hand.

  361. Beyonce would make such a great playground toy. Except for the sharp edges.
    Slight correction: Beyonce would make such a great playground toy for obnoxious children.

    Also, I sincerely hope you have plans to leave Beyonce right next to Victor while he’s sleeping, then play a crowing rooster track at high volume to wake him up. Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to a mildly creepy 5 foot tall possibly psychopathic chicken?

  362. Oh MY GOD!!! This is the best story EVER. You are amazing. Thank you so much for buying the chicken. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. Thank you and thank you!

  365. This post just keeps on giving. Thanks to you, Jenny, I now have a proper response to people who want to know why I divorced my ex-husband. Festering chicken.

    And I also think you have a real chance with Charlie Red. *fingers crossed!!!*

  366. This is too epic for words. I catch so much shit because I came to my present marriage with a serious collection of VERY NICE chickens that decorate my kitchen, AND WAITED FOR 10 YEARS to be unboxed in a kitchen bigger than a cabin cruiser galley. Well played. I could only hope to get such an epic opportunity for revenge.

  368. This story had me crying over my computer! I loved every minute of it! @Queenofspain on twitter was talking about it with her hubby @aaronvest (I can only imagine how that conversation was going)

    This was hilarious and I swear I would keep that 5 foot chicken and I would move it around every week!

    Yes Sister, pick your battles…but this wasn’t a fight, this was making an extreme point. Sometimes that’s just how you gotta roll.

  370. Man, I totally want to start a band and name it FESTERING CHICKEN in honor of comment #322.

  371. Jesus. Christ. A Chicken.
    It will be hard to top that next anniversary.

  373. I think this should start a new trend in chicken jokes.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

  375. Fucking fabulous. And now you have a new fan. Simply because, after seeing the chicken at the door, I almost peed just a little.

  376. I think your blog went offline for a while because I sent the link to thousands of people who really, really need a laugh. Sorry about that. Not really.

  377. wow…that there was about 10 minutes waste of Time I shall never see again, I know the ONLY relief I got out of it was this little bit of whimsy words I just had to share…tsk-tsk…some people just really should NEVER live above their means…seriously?!? some of that “wasted” $$$ really could’ve gone to better use to any of our local charities, really…

  378. I’ve been married for 19 years this year, and I never know what to get him. THIS WOULD BE THE BEST GIFT EVER.

  381. My husband is in love with you now. He and I both want a giant chicken in our yard because of you. You are awesome. And tell victor that towels require constant washing and drying, giant chicken does not. And the chicken can cut strangers. That baby is totally paying for itself.

  382. Ok…. So after reading this, I honestly think the chicken paid for itself and then some just by the reaction and what happened in the store… I laughed and laughed and am still laughing by it all. I needed that greatly so thank you for sharing… I love it…

  386. O.M.G….I am in TEARS laughing so hard over this post….holy crap! Thanks for the good laugh…..

  390. I, officially, can no longer read your blog at work.

    This is a serious place, and to my surprise, they find my cubicle giggles and attempts to conceal my mirth a bit distracting.

    This reminds me of that old parable, a cock at the door is better than one in the bushes. I might have that wrong.

  391. You sound like how my sister and I act in a store with a giant chicken. We did something similar but with a giant can of sausage gravy from the dollar store. My parents were not thrilled with the 5 year joke of giving each other the can as a present for holidays. Well I think my mom saw the humor.