I don’t have a title for this because I’ve run out of puns. Please insert your own.

in I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

I promise to stop writing about giant metal chickens next week, but before we move on I thought I’d share a photo that my friend Erica snapped in Houston.

 

I can only assume that the woman who lives here hasn’t been allowed to buy towels for *decades*.

See?  It could be so much worse.

PS.  I pointed out to Victor that I’d made $200 selling violent chicken cards on the internet and he said that was awesome, and then I explained that now I could go buy two more chickens and then Victor asked whether he should bury my body in the front yard or the back yard.  Because apparently Victor doesn’t understand to concept of “reinvesting in the business“.

PPS.  I was planning on secretly inching Beyoncé a little closer to Victor’s office window each day until he was finally glaring right into Victor’s window, but when I went to move him I noticed that there was a flying wild boar perched on Beyoncé’ head.

Well, that's...unexpected.

Victor swears he didn’t do it so I can only imagine that this is a sign of the impending acockolypse.  Victor said it was probably the neighbors, and then I sat there in silence and Victor finally shook his head and asked if I was being so quiet because I was struggling to think of more cock puns (which would have been insulting if it wasn’t also totally accurate).  Then he sighed and graciously admitted that “perhaps Beyoncé is going incocknito”.  And that is exactly why I love that man.

PPPS.  Several of you have asked for Beyoncé T-shirts.  Here you go:

The probably-not-safe-for-casual-day version.

And the version that probably won’t get you fired.

272 thoughts on “I don’t have a title for this because I’ve run out of puns. Please insert your own.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Now that you’ve earned $200 in violet chicken cards (this chicken will cut you lol). Maybe you can get some towels :D. I love the giant metal chickens btw, don’t stop on my account!!

  4. *sniff sniff* best. love. story. EVER. You guys were so made for each other. Also, in the “hood” we call it incocknegro. I mean, you DID name him Beyonce, right? (don’t send me hate mail. I’m black. I can TOTALLY say negro without getting punched in the solar-plexus.)

  7. I have never loved a blog.. I love yours. the tshirt is amazing. I will def be ordering one… i love tshirts you have to explain. Yknow what else you should make.. Towels. with the Chicken on them.

  8. You gotta keep that man. And he should keep you around as well (and not bury you in the back yard. That’s always where they look first).

  9. I think you should write a book about beyonce or maybe make a calendar. Or both.

    You obviously attract metal animals in to your life so I think you should just embrace it and start a metal animal farm.

  10. Seriously, this is the funniest series of postings I have ever read. I was spammed the link to the originl chicken story on FB, and I NEVER click those links, but for some reason this one begged reading. Best spammed link ever!!

    Keep it coming!

  11. I seriously don’t want you to stop writing about giant metal chickens. It makes me all fuzzy inside…

  12. Sorry, but Ohhh Snaps typo is making me giggle. “Stop the Violets, Mother Fuckers”!

  13. If you ever do divorce him, mind if I take a shot at picking him up?
    How awesome is that pig?

  16. Just remember: next time you don’t get your way, there are always giant cocker spaniels, cockroaches, and cockatus.

    Jenna

  17. Soon you’re going to be able to start your own rusty metal Zoo. Or have “expose your kids to tetanus” parties. Which ever gets you less sued.

  18. You need a second giant rooster and a giant martini glass to sit between them with straws and then you’d have Cocktails for two, Motherfucker and I’d TOTALLY buy that shirt for the day I quit my job to open a tea shop. And I’m only slightly joking.

  19. “Acockalypse Now” – Best porn title EVER. “I love the smell of cum in the morning” Starring Beyonce’, naturally.

  20. Wait, Giant Metal Chicken Beyoncé is GAY? (“I’m here to destroy your marriage”)

    It keeps getting better!

  21. I would have gone with aporkalypse.

    p.s. iTunes emailed me to let me know that Beyoncé’s new album was now available and I was shocked to see some woman taking credit.

  22. Isn’t a giant metal chicken and a flying wild boar the lets-ask-for-something-awesome-and-insane-to-make-sure-you’re-reading-this clause in Wil Wheaton’s collating contract?

    Oh wait, that’s a giant metal chicken and a flying fish. Surf and Turf clause.

  23. We read the saga of Beyoncé over supper a few days ago. My husband suspects he and Victor were separated at birth and my teenage son insisted that there should be a “Knock, Knock Motherfucker” t-shirt. Thank you for making my child happy.

  25. How dare you put your cock out like that. Where’s your call for action? I propose you cover your cock with something plasticky before more slimey pigs jump on his head.

  26. You guys have the kind of marriage that I hope my therapy clients (and myself) can aspire to. You let each other know how you’re feeling, but you don’t get so caught up in it that you can’t share a hilarious joke. The whole chicken saga? This is why you guys work.

    John Gottman would be proud.

  29. OHMYGOD you actually made it into a shirt! Guess who’s holiday shopping early? THIS girl. *points enthusiastically at self*
    i’m waiting for someone to declare a National Giant Cock Day…

  30. Thank you for the shirts! I am ordering the Knock Knock, Motherf@cker for my husband and I 🙂

  32. Aww, is it just me or does anyone else think it’s sweet that this giant cock has a flying boar friend? I hope they stay friends forever.

  33. Oh. I love you. And your giant cock.

    And, they use to use sheep skin or whatever to put on cocks. Looks like it’s pig skins this time. You’re starting all kinds of trends.

    Did I mention I love you? Or, at the very least, you inspire me to live a more entertaining and less take-everything-so-seriously life.

  34. Well Victor can’t say that Beyonce is a cock block… He’s in front of Victors window.. Not yours.

  36. Oh I SO love the t-shirts. I want one so badly but I can’t wear one around the kids anymore…the oldest one can read and we’ve already had enough problems with her recently asking me what sex on the beach was…not the DRINK, mind you, but SEX…ON THE BEACH. Which she read about in a travel magazine. Maybe I can wear it to bed at night? Cuz I don’t want the one that won’t get me fired. I want the REAL one.

  37. I think you need a punny “knock knock, motherclucker” version for your single readers who want to wear this to work… or married readers with 6 kids who have started reading and therefore ruined everything fun in my… uh their parents lives

  38. Whoever added the boar is obviously a potential friend in your neighborhood that actually gets it. Lol that’s just awesome. I’m not ready for Beyonce’s adventures to end. Deep down inside Victor is cocking his head back in laughter.

  39. I found MY Beyonce (and Jay-Z) 2 days ago….plus Big Beyonce (who has the door knocking job).
    The conversation that evening:
    Ed: “Did you know there is a giant chicken on the front porch?”
    Me: “Oh, yes…that is Big Beyonce. I’ll explain later…if I can!”
    Ed: “Who left it there?”
    Me: “No one. I put it there.”
    Ed:
    I do believe he is afraid to ask for the entire story!

    While on my quest, I took a photo of a $2,000, 7 ft tall chicken in Custer, SD. SERIOUSLY. $2K for a mental chicken…..and they tell me they sell at least 1 per year!! How do I get that photo to you for your ‘collection?’

  40. I think the caption to the picture says it all: I can only assume that the woman who lives here hasn’t been allowed to buy towels for *decades*.

    …. and that’s why i stick with you. Keep writing about chickens. I don’t mind and it’s all good around here as a result

  41. You should totally put Beyonce on wheels and roll her around to neighbor’s houses then put a sign on their door or yard saying, “You’ve been cocked!” OR you could push her up to front doors, hide in the bushes, and videotape their reactions. Hell, you could do a combination of both!!

  43. That woman in Houston is a woman scorned…. What kind of man denies towels…

    And you and Victor could not be more made for eachother…. 🙂

  46. I suspect Victor is messing with your mind. Plus, I like the idea of putting wheels on Beyonce and wheeling her around the neighbourhood. They should welcome a celebrity on their front step.

  47. Caption for Erica’s snapshot: I’ll see your five foot cock, and I’ll raise you…

  48. I kind of want to buy one of those cards for my friend who doesn’t curse at all. Ever. I’d superglue it to her door and it would be amazing :]

    And is Victor a good liar? Because the pig seems like either a peace offering or a counterjoke.

  49. did you notice the size of that cock in proportion to their house? i totally think it’s cock-blocking in potential visitors.

  50. My husband is claiming that he’ll divorce me if I don’t stop talking to him about giant metal chickens. I think he’s jealous of your cock. Wait…. that didn’t sound right.

    All I know is that I have not stopped singing the song about, “I have a gumball machine, no gum would she give. One day a rooster, came in our yard and caught that gumball machine right off her guard…. She’s giving Chicklets… just like she used to…..”

  51. Tell Victor (your alleged husband) to bury you wherever he wants as long as Beyonce is your grave marker.

  56. Can I please get that shirt in a children’s size? Toddler if you have it.

    Also? You know why I love you? Cuz you justify all the “stupid shit” my husband says I buy. “But honey, we need this giant giraffe for our living room. It’s a good *investment*. The Bloggess just made $200 on a 5 foot cock. You can’t get that kinda return anywhere these days.”

  57. I have yet to break the news to my future husband that we will be having a large metal farm animal of some sort on our tiny apartment patio as soon as the ink is dry on that marriage certificate. It’s probably for the best he doesn’t know until AFTER the ceremony.

  58. I want the Flying Pig AND Beyonce on a shirt! Can you do that next please? And wherever put the Flying Pig or whatever it is on Beyonce *thats a weird sentence* Can you PLEASE tell us where you got it!? The Flying Pig that is. So yeah…now you need to make a new shirt with the two best of friends. Don’t ever stop writing about Beyonce and I’m just going to name the flying Pig Mildred. Don’t you think thats a good name? Midlred the flying pig? Beyonce and Mildred! SO CUTE!

  59. Puns are overrated- Find one “sister” more and you can reform Destiny’s Child..BRING THE GIRLS BACK TOGETHER!!! I beg you!!!!

  61. You know that metal farm animal artists the world over are going to start turning up at your house with friends for Beyonce… Victor will love it, you could get him a different animal for every anniversary and before you know it you’d be metal animal farmers!!

  64. So… Do you have one of those kitschy tree faces struck on your tree, or is it actually a horrifying redneck tree?

    Please, please, please tell me it’s the former.

  65. yep. definitely the acockalypse. but he does look good with a pig on his head, so who knows. it could just be a miracockle.

  66. at least if he buries you in the yard, you’ll have a hilarious chicken related quote to put on the headstone…

  69. That is even more awesome than the first post! I totally want the Knock Knock Motherfucker t-shirt. Too bad I have no place to wear it. Hmmm, thinking…

  70. I think your cock is getting rusty…it probably just needs more exercise.

  72. The “knock knock, mfer” one reminds me of the epic battle between Peter Griffin and the giant cock on Family Guy.

  73. Are giant metal chickens effective zombie deterrent? I would think so, especially Beyonce, given that he will cut you. Zombies would be afraid to lose limbs. Tell Victor you need more to protect the house

  74. So when you buy more chickens, and Victor does indeed have need of burying you in the yard, you should request Beyoncé be your headstone.

    And when he doesn’t really kill you and you die of natural causes (or anxiety, if we’re being realistic) you should still request Beyoncé be your head stone even if you are being buried at an actual cemetery. If I were you, I’d add that shit to your will now. What with Blogher coming up, the death by anxiety might be sooner than anticipated. Though I’m sure the bathrooms in San Diego are nice and will help prevent that.

    I wonder if Beyoncé will fit into bathroom stalls? That way you can take her to all your conferences and the people can meet her in person. I wonder if people meeting and staring at your cock would increase or decrease your anxiety?

    Also, if getting taxidermied animlas on a plane is fun, I wonder what a 5ft metal cock would be like? Would you have to buy it it’s own seat?

    Think of the blog posts that would follow!

    Please don’t’ EVER stop writing about your cock.

  75. @Kris- My husband and I call it M Shithole sales, but you sure can get some great statues there. Nothing as cool as a giant metal chicken, but maybe close.

    @ Deecat – I agree. I would definitely order Knock, Knock Motherfucker towels for my guest bathroom.

    The cock puns are hilarious and I’m frustrated that I can’t think of one to add right now.

  76. I tried to “like” Beyonce on Facebook, but it was some singer, and there were no results for big metal chicken.
    Late Night Bacon has a page (and I recommend it), so your Beyonce should have one too.

  78. If I could needlepoint, which I totally can’t, I would so needlepoint a pillow with a rooster saying knock knock motherfucker. I would die happy.

  79. Love it!!! I must know where the giant chicken in Houston is, so I can drive by it and see it in person in all it’s glory. Also, if you need more ideas for chicken gifts, I think a pic with the subtitle, “this chicken WILL cut you” is pretty damn funny and also work- appropriate. Maybe. Unless you work with a bunch of assholes. Like some of the people who left you nasty comments on the original chicken article. Either way, I still want to be your second Laura BF. Thanks for making me laugh!!!

  80. If you could only see my facebook timeline for the past week: nothing but metal chickens. I’ve been tagged in no less than 7 pics of metal cocks. Thank you for the joke that keeps on giving.

  81. The day after the original giant metal chicken post I found a giant metal chicken at one of our local tourist trap shops here in Tahoe. $200 of free chicken was NOT included with the ones here though. It is clear that Giant Metal Chickens are taking over the world.

  86. I’m fairly new to your blog, but luckily came in right at the beginning of the giant metal chicken saga. My mom’s group, known as The Other Mother’s (yeah…you’d fit right in), have decided that Beyonce MUST be our unofficial mascot. I see t-shirt ordering in our future…

    My pun addition: “That cock is getting porked!”

  87. So, I was thinking it would be hilarious to put “knock-knock, motherfucker” on a onesie (is that even a real word? do those little baby outfits have another name?) , then I was thinking of other funny things utilizing the word “motherfucker” and thought of how the Rumpus has “write like a motherfucker” mugs, and then it came to me….”cry like a motherfucker” onesies…. or “poop like a motherfucker”…. or “burp like a motherfucker”

    Turns out I have a future in infant-wear design. Who knew?

  89. OMG! Have I mentioned how much i <3 you!
    Crazy chicken cards will be ordered and sent to my friends…

  90. Man do I love a good pun and Victor’s was great! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I think he cares for Beyonce more than he’s letting on.

  91. so… now two of my friends have me looking for giant chickens…. one I’m quite sure has a perfect marriage and since “perfect” can not exist…. and a third friend will get a “knock knock mother fucker t-shirt for her birthday”

  92. The “safe for work” one might get me fiired.

    I am a divorce lawyer.

  93. I smell buddy movie!

    Or breakfast…

    Dammit, now I want ham & eggs…

  94. LOVE the Knock Knock Motherfucker t-shirt! Somehow I suspect that goes in the same category as my Shut Your Whore Mouth T-shirt…not safe to wear to school.

  96. I totally second the chicken towels Deecat suggested! Love this blog!

  98. My husband is a chemist at a sealant factory. In other words he makes caulk for a living. Sometimes he brings home caulk for personal use. Sometimes he has caulk left on his clothes. Sometimes he just smells like caulk. He hasn’t gotten tired of my jokes. Yet.
    P.S. I really want that shirt.

  100. Oh my dog on a roof, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in DAYS!! I love Beyonce the giant metal chicken so much that I really can’t put it into words, and seeing the flying pig on her head? SO MUCH BETTER! And then when I read Victors response?

    Dead.

    I am utterly dead, and I want a Knock Knock, Motherfucker tee shirt AND Knock Knock, Motherfucker cards and… I dont know. Maybe you should do a sexy Beyonce calendar? I bet people would buy it!

  101. Too bad Beyonce is so big, I’m sure she’d love to go on adventures. Maybe you could make a flat Beyonce (a la Flat Stanley) and then take pictures of her in fun places. Or you know, start convos with “I have a 5 ft cock named Beyonce”

  102. That Huston picture is just totally what was left up after the couple’s 15 year anniversary party.

  103. I’ll have you know that I just spit tea all over my computer reading this post. You and Victor are very obviously made for eachother. lol cock jokes.

  105. I am sure it has already been requested but I would like Beyonce Towels. Is that possible? Because when it comes to towels there are just so many cock puns.

  106. “Who is it?”
    “Flowers.”
    “Flowers for whom?”
    ” …
    Plumber Ma’am.”
    “I don’t need a plumber. You’re that clever shark, aren’t you?”
    “…
    Candy gram.”
    “Candy gram my foot. You get out of here before I call the police. You’re the shark and you know it.”
    “I’m only a dolphin Ma’am.”
    “A dolphin? Well, okay… ”

    I may be showing my age, but I’d probably buy that shirt if the caption read: “Candy gram.”

  107. a. deecat- towels with chickens is perfect
    b. addgirl- calendar about Beyonce- brilliant
    c. If I must choose between chicken and pork, you know I have to go with the bacon.

  108. The thought of victor looking up one day and being eyeball to chock comb with bribe made me snort. And also? A boy metal chicken named beyonce is too fabulous for words. Lastly, Victor says “neighbors”.. I say stalker. But that’s just how my mind works.

  109. I hope there is not some lunatic on the loose who just goes around decorating people’s giant chickens with flying wild boars. Because I totally hate it when lunatics do that.

  110. So apparently this is what happens when pigs fly? I leave the internetz for a day and all hell breaks loose.

    No, I think I’ve got it. It’s a game! Your neighbors are playing a game with you. You now need to find a smaller metal sculpture to balance on the wild boar. Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Hurry!

  111. Oh God I love you – and love that Victor has come around instead of going off HALF-COCKED about it!

  112. OHMYGAWD I want the knock knock mother fucker one.

    Also, Victor is awesome. If y’all don’t make it because of towel/chicken disputes can you give him my number? I totally need someone in my life who can help me come up with additional cock puns. Not because I have a giant metal chicken or anything. Just because I like things with the word “cock” in them.

  113. You are really providing a valuable service for towel-restricted, repressed women everywhere.

    You and Beyonce should be proud.

    Cocky, even.

  114. KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    My husband won’t let me buy a t-shirt. So I know what I’m looking for tomorrow. My OWN BIG MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN.

  116. Can I just say, that you crack my tired, silly ass up! A friend of mine put your Battle-choosing post on Facebook and you are breath of smart ass air. Love, love, love your sense of humor!

  117. Between the cards and the t-shirts, I think your $100 investment could lead to a decent retirement income.

    And, Beyonce is clearly wearing a cockstume.

  118. the one that won’t get you fired should be “knock, knock, motherclucker”

  119. Dude, the other metal chicken fam matched their house to the chicken. One must keep up with the Joneses. BTW, you have entirely too many Andrea’s commenting on yo shiz. Though the name is awesome, I must say.

  121. You are way late to the bloggers bringing home giant metal chickens party. Ursula Vernon dragged home a giant metal chicken to the bewilderment of her boyfriend ages ago. Maybe you could start a support group for your significant others. Giant Metal Chicken Displacement Anonymous or something.

  123. Wow! I was amazed on the pig over the chicken’s head photo. It is very funny, I never imagine that in real life. Great post!

  124. I want a Knock Knock Motherfucker POSTER that I could then tape to my own front door. It would certainly liven things up around this neighborhood.

  125. Holy Mary Mother of God, how do you do it? Your life is a metaphor, paradigm, facsimile, simile, jerund, fucking onomatopeia of poetic license. Who are these 110 other commenters. We are destined for one another. But firs, I must have another glass of Sheherezod…I mean Shiraz.

  130. Holy crap do you have any idea how hilarious your story is and how far it has travelled. Fan Fucking Tastic.

    I think we all wish we’d had a 5ft metal chicken day sometime in our lives!

  131. OMG my friend just sent me a picture of that same chicken last Saturday and my husband threatened to divorce me if he came home to it on his porch! But then hubby remembered where the chicken was and said he didn’t think it was for sale. Boo.

  132. If Victor ever wanted to become a polygamist, he totally could. All he has to do is mention it in one of your posts. Because I love him. I love him enough to be your sister wife. Even if that means I have to cook or do dishes or carpool.

  133. Did you know that there is a GIANT metal chicken in front of the Safeway not too far from my house. I’ll snap a photo if you want one….

  134. Oh yes, the poster. Please the poster. I’ve been looking for something to tape over the glass in the big oval piece of fucking glass they call my front door to keep away burglars (because barking, neurotic, prozac snuffling, cheese eating golden retrievers just don’t seem enough when there are big metal chickens out there).

    I have acquired two smaller metal chickens, handed down lovingly from my mother when I showed her your blog entry and have been posing them in various positions and sending them to friends with attached notes like, “Knock, knock motherfucker. Pay your damned child support!” She never knows where they are going to show up – the garden, doing the dishes, snuggling on the porch swing. Every girl need metal chickens, but I think a 5′ metal chicken POSTER would be IT.

    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

  135. Unfortunately, all my relatives have no sense of humor, so if I bought the knock knock shirt, I’d only be able to wear it indoors.

    On the other hand, this shirt I can wear: “Is that a pig on your cock or are you just happy to see me?”

    Because I”m pretty sure somebody is engaged in performance art with you and Beyonce – and grudgingly, Victor, since he’s kind of a drag.

  137. Long time reader, first time commenting…how could I not? I’ve been giggling at your blog for weeks now, while always getting strange looks from the hubby. I finally told him about the giant metal cock story, and open up your blog to read this tonight. Xmas came early for me. Life doesn’t get much better.

    P.s. that may be the pain pills and muscle relaxer talking. 😉

  141. i positively adore big metal chickens!!! and want one or ten ever so badly to grace our outdoor area. if our tiny house was more than just a bit larger, i would do my darnedest to arrange the furniture to allow a big metal chicken a place of honor in the living room. i do believe a corner near the front window would be the perfect spot. 😉

  142. So, I was watching Beyonce (the singer, not the REAL Beyonce, the giant metal cock) live on stage at the UK music festival, Glastonbury.

    Throughout the performance, I couldn’t help but wish Beyonce (the singer) was replaced at some point with Beyonce (the giant metal cock). The entire chorus to ‘single ladies’ could be re-worded:

    “Cuz if you liked it then you shoulda let me buy towels
    If you liked it then you shoulda let me buy towels
    Don’t be mad once you see my giant chick-en
    If you liked it then you shoulda let me buy towels”

  143. Owner of a metal chicken or not, your next purchase had best be that medium-sized metal flamingo and matching tin immigrant because it looks like it would TOTALLY complete your set.

    Plus, I think ‘metal immigrant staring through Victor’s window’ would have a more bang-for-the-buck effect.

  144. Boo. I was just going to take a picture of the giant rooster near my parent’s place in Virginia. Then you put up this post. And Mom was all, “Those cocks are way bigger than mine.”

    So thanks for that.

  145. I. Need. To. Find. And. Buy. My. Own. Beyonce! I seriously need one of these 5 foot metal chickens!

  146. So…. You now keep Victor’s cock and boars in the back yard?

  147. I hope the guy from the store where you bought Beyoncé saw your blog —

  148. Hysterical! I may buy the not appropriate shirt for me and the safe for work one for Hubby. We will wear them to carnivals.

  149. If you like it then you shoulda put a pig on it
    If you like it then you shoulda put a pig on it
    If you like it then you shoulda put a pig on it
    Whoa oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh

  150. Too funny! I was just trying to decide if I needed the work safe or work unsafe version of the shirt when I realized I’d be sporting some of your “whimsy” on my boobs.
    “Angie, what’s that on your chest? Oh… just a bit of whimsy. Tastes like chicken.”

    ORDERED!

  151. Wow. I hadn’t been here in a couple of weeks and crazy shit happens! 1) Apparently you now have a big gender-confused metal chicken in your yard. 2) Lots of guys posting on your blog time-traveled from the 1960s when $100 was an enormous amount of money and men controlled all the finances.

    I need more sleep or coffee to process these developments.

    FYI- I recently got real chickens and they are totally cool! Get a couple of hens! Victor and Hailey would *love* them!

  152. O. Mi. God!
    First thing I see when I get on the innernets with a pre-pms pre-migraine is a giant steel cock and a little flying porker. And then I had to laugh so hard my head exploded.

    The little porker buddy needs a name. I suggest Richard. Or Little Richard. Then he would be Little Dickie, the Flying Porker. Kind of looks like a little sausage, doesn’t he? And with a name like that he just has to be Beyoncé’s sidekick and they could have their own detective action TV show, like Starsky and Hutch or Simon and Garfunkel, called Cock and Porker. They could set the show in Steeltown. Only if that’s still Pittsburg though. And they could chase bad guys, ring doorbells, play piano and sing rock & roll, and play football.

    And why stop there? They could also go to Japan and sell canned coffee, Pocari Sweat and Calpis just like The Arnold and Tommy Lee Jones.

    Wait. When is the Year of the Cock again?

  153. Or maybe that woman who lives there had the best 15th anniversary ever.

  154. Isn’t it obvious where the piggy came from? IT’S THE MIRACLE OF SAINT JAMES GARFIELD!

  156. Is that? Is that…

    James Garfield and Pegasus’s love child riding Beyonce (the giant cock) off into the sunset? Well, I’ll be.

    I love you and your husband both! If I tried to fill my days with hilarious antics, my husband would probably just commit me to a mental hospital. Which would be a real turn-off, let me tell you!

  157. Beyonce appears to be an incocktrovertable success! Congrats. 😛

  158. FINALLY… someone who shares my affinity for cock.

    I have cock envy… mine is only about 18″ and sits in my kitchen.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  160. Seriously, you warm the cockles of my heart. I can just hear the piggy hollering “Cock-a-doodle-Do Me, Motherfuckers!”

  161. me (reading this): that boar is awful cocky.
    wife: What?
    (I explain it to her and repeat the cocky joke.)
    wife: That’s not funny.
    me: Sure it is?
    wife: Nope
    me: fine it’s not but I’m posting it anyway.
    wife: knock yourself out.

  162. I almost wrecked driving down Westheimer yesterday- I saw the antique shop where that picture of the giant metal chickens was taken! I laughed so hard and realized I was by myself. Awesomeness…

  163. That’s not a chicken, it’s a rooster. You obviously did not grow up on a farm.

  164. just for the record, i work in Dripping Springs and live in Austin….everyday on my way to work, i see a “store” that has a giant metal chicken for sale….and now, thanks to everyone….each morning, in my head i hear….
    all the single chickens
    all the single chickens

    if you like it then you shoulda put a pig on it…..

    i can only hope that someday i will sing this out loud in my car to an unknowing passenger and just confuse the shit out of them. i cant WAIT for that to happen!

  165. I know I’m late to this, but I love you so much and I love Beyonce knocking at the door. I haven’t laughed so hard in years. People at work think I’m crazy.

  166. I would totally buy a shirt that just had Knock Knock with the front porch chicken. Can that happen?

  167. Are your neighbors from Cincinnati? Our city mascot is a flying pig. We have them all over the place here.

    No. I’m not joking.

  168. ^”if you like it then you shoulda put a pig on it” – I think I heart Kelli, too.

    I was going to try for a cock pun, but I think Victor’s “incocknito” has set the bar too high. I think you should name the pig Kurt Douglas. JMO, he suits it.

  169. Brilliant, Victor. Not quite Meowschwitz brilliant, but then, nothing is.

  171. Jenny, I’m a new fan, and I love the Beyonce shirt, but I’ll never wear it. Have you considered doing pins? I’d totally rock that 80s style, all over my jean jacket. Oh, wait. I don’t have a jean jacket. I’d put them on my messenger bag (because I live in NYC and you automatically get a messenger bag when you live here to prove that you live here).

    And you could do them in a variety of poses – knock, knock motherfucker, and acockolypse. Sell them in sets. I’d totally buy that.

    Thanks for giving me much needed laughs this week.

  174. I almost drove off the road yesterday noticing your exact same chicken in front of a gift store in my tiny NC town. I can only hope it was displayed in jest.

  178. I kind of love that little flying pig. It’s actually kind of classy. I really like the giant chicken in the top pic. Nice legs. That chicken was an amazing investment!

    Thank you, btw, for commenting on my blog the other day. It was a thrill to see your little face and your comment! And pizza/c-section fantasies are NOT CRAZY!

  180. Perhaps it should say on the back, ’15 years is big metal chickens’? Love it.

  183. Perhaps that lady was giving a 30 year anniversary gift 🙂

    And I would have asked to be buried UNDER Beyonce

  186. Please Please Please tell me where I can get one of those chickens. I will drive wherever I have to in order to get one.

  188. OK, I have loved the saga of the chicken! I read it out loud to hubby and daughter. They roared! Then read it to friends’, who loved it and said we NED to get one! Since all of us are a bit strapped for cash, that hasn’t happened….yet. Even so, to fulfill my desire for a giant metal chicken, I did a seach for images. The results are wonderful! http://www.google.com/search?q=big+metal+chicken&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=K76&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&prmd=ivns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=2T8OTtOiC4qutwfLuJDRDQ&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBwQ_AUoAQ&biw=1173&bih=794#hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US%3Aofficial&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=giant+metal+chicken&oq=giant+metal+chicken&aq=f&aqi=&aql=undefined&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=62993l64295l0l5l5l0l0l0l0l210l721l1.3.1l5&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=dbfdba0a933c840c&biw=1173&bih=794

    Also, you should take Victor to this Kentucy Fried Chicken http://www.flickr.com/photos/brent_nashville/4088629793/

    Enjoy the holiday weekend!

  189. There really is no need to stop. Beyonce has been my source of entertainment since you debuted her. Knock Knock…

  190. Ok, so I am REALLY new to your blog, but accidentally clicked a link that brought me to your towel argument post and laughed so hard I nearly died. I don’t read blogs. I used to think it was because I didn’t have time, but recently I gave up sleep so I could go through everything you have ever written, EVER. Caffeine is my friend. At this point I have facebooked*, (not a real word but whatever) linked, texted and basically told everyone I have ever met about you and feel at least partially responsible for your server crash. *Sorry*(but not wholly responsible because I don’t know that many people) I told my best friend that if he wasn’t so awesome I would fire his ass and send you an application and possibly move to Texas, then I remembered that I don’t like Texas much. In short, (or long) I find your blog both entertaining and touching. What you have done here is amazing, and I applaud you. I’ll be reading from now on! -Hugs Mercedes (BTW before you go hating me, been signing that way for YEARS…… You do it best though!)

  191. There is a place a mile away from me that sells these giant metal chickens and other assorted yard art – except they have a bunch of them and they’re all lined up like a metal chicken army and I was really fine with that until you posted a picture of one of them trying to come in the front door and now I’m really kind of terrified.

    Thanks.

  193. Once I find a new job and have some earning potential, I’m buying a bunch of the not safe for casual day version of the tshirt. I’m cocky like that.

  194. The “not safe for casual day” version is SO going to be the one we order for our next family reunion.

  196. I was a bit worried at first, because this is what I saw when I first loaded this page:

    http://www.zirconia3.com/misc/bloggess_cutoff.png

    Fortunately, it was just the internet tubes jamming up at a opportune moment. This is the sort of thing I’d file under “If you’d actually planned it to happen that way, you’d be a frikkin’ genius.”

    Not that you’re not already a genius or anything.

  197. I totally need the NSFW shirt in black.
    Because the blood really shows up on white or any light color.

  198. Oh… Oh wow. I NEED Beyonce towels!

    (I sent the link with the ‘knock knock’ shirt to my boyfriend. He spit Pepsi all over his keyboard. Mission accomplished.)

  200. You are inspiring. To all writers. And all husband-annoyers. And to the metal chickens of this world. You give us all a purpose to live.

  202. OMG – I have never laughed so hard! I totally LOVE your cock!!! Ladies – thank you for the theme song, it shall remain in my head for weeks! Your cock makes me smile!
    ps. Love the towel idea!

  203. He he he. Looks like you got a little sausage with your big cock!

    I love you. Because of your last blog I bought a metal chicken of my own. He is much smaller than Beyonce, and I have named him Mr. Bawkbagawk. I also now know where to buy a really big one if the need should ever arise. Needless to say my husband has been walking on “eggshells” as of late!

  204. Since I blogged the other day about my metal chicken encounter, my friend sent me a photo of herself standing next to a huge metal chicken in Brownswood. I think that needs to go into the collection.

  205. I am absolutely impressed with how many giant cocks are out there. I think inching Beyonce closer each day would be amazing..maybe Beyonce and the boar can have a gift by the time they get to Victor’s window.

  207. This sexy chicken loves the giant metal chickens! but, I’m allowed to buy towels so looks like I’ll never get to own one.

  208. I totally need these t’s Jenny. Saving up now. Thinking I may order the NSFW one for my brother. He’s a door to door salesman…Knock Knock MOFO!

  209. All you need now is Hot Tub Jesus, and you’ll have your starter set for “How To Confuse The Zombie’s of the Apocalypse”.

  211. OMG. This is seriously the funniest series of posts I have ever read. EVER. I love you.

  212. Where’s a pic of the much-less-grandeous-but-still-super-fucking-funny-PR-chicken??? Not to forget the coconut wired (what I can only assume to be) do-do bird?? 🙂

  213. I fucking love you! You can always make my bad mood go away because you are hysterical. However, I need to learn not to read your blog late at night while the husband is sleeping as he does not appreciate being woken up by me trying to stifle my laughter, which also results in me shaking the bed because then he rolls over to look at me, and thinks I’m doing something else o.O

    I wish I was as funny as you and Victor. I wish I could get my blog noticed. Any tips on that?

    Anyway, keep up the good work!

  215. bahahahaha!!! i LOVE these chicken posts! and the cock jokes!! you and your *alleged* husband are hilarious!!!

  216. I took a drive through the hill country of TX the day after you posted the initial story about your chicken. My eyes were on the look out for a big metal chicken as I really think my close neighbors would LOVE the humor of waking up to the site of it every morning. In Hamilton, TX there is a 5ft metal chicken, zebra print body, hot pink tail and head with a lime green beak…..it’s AMAZING!!!! I will be traveling back there soon to purchase it. I LOVE your blog!

  221. Has anyone suggested yet that you do that thing where you travel the world with Beyonce and take pictures of her in odd places and historical landmarks? If for no other reason, you should do this in order to have a story about trying to explain Beyonce to customs people all around the world.

  222. You can’t stop writing about metal chickens!!! I was just crying from laughing so hard!!!!

  224. Now if you could only get THIS chicken–http://www.friedmanarchives.com/France/pages/France%200102%20DSC05907.JPG.htm–to pay a visit.

    Wouldn’t Victor just love that? 🙂

  225. Speaking of chicken puns, last year my roommates and I decided to raise egg-laying hens and we named one Beakyonce. Unfortunately, the hens were attacked by a pack of hounds this past spring and did not survive, but we made talismans out of their feet and so now Beackyonce’s left-foot hangs from my rear-view mirror, clutching a wooden cross.

  228. I have bought a tacky metal chicken in tribute to you! I don’t know what to name it yet…It’s not 5 feet tall, but a ball at the bottom of it IS supposed to glow at night after being charged in the sun!! Thanks, Bloggess!

  229. Okay, it’s official. I love you two as a couple. One day I hope to have a marriage full of five inch cocks just like this… now that’s an image I plan on taking to bed with me tonight…

  231. I want a chicken shirt that says ‘Ill cut you…’

    And all my friends at work now want large metal chickens.

  232. How about a shirt saying….. Knock, knock mothercluckers:) OR This chicken will cut you:)
    BTW I just bought a few chicken / rooster items to spice up my kitchen. It was a 15th anniversary gift. Thanks for the inspiration) LOL

  233. Silly. When it’s more than one flying animal it’s officially known as an aFLOCKalypse. Der.

  234. It just occurred to me.. with that $200.. you could probably buy the towels that started the chicken fiasco

  235. PLEASE DON’T STOP WRITING ABOUT BIG METAL CHICKENS. I LIVEI INT HE HOUSTON AREA AND AM ON A MISSION TO FIND ONE. I GOTTA HAVE A BID METAL CHICKEN . THIS WHOLE STORY COULD HAVE HAPPENED EASILY AT MY HOUSE. I LAUGHED TILL I CRIED.

  236. I would so buy a chicken shirt, but it needs to have the caption “This chicken will cut you!” Thanks for the laugh, and the revenge plots. I honestly think most of my girlfriends will purchase a metal chicken at somepoint this summer!

  238. Have you thought of selling small metal chickens that would fit on a desk? They would make the perfect Christmas gift as our new mantra is “next comes a chicken”.

  239. You have to get a metal cat for your tetanus zoo. I’m pretty sure that if you have a cock getting porked in your yard you have to have a pussy for good measure. I think it’s a law or something…

  240. You totally need to put that image on a towel. I would buy a Whole Set.

  241. My husband and I went to the flea market this weekend, and what was the VERY FIRST thing we saw when we walked in??? Not one, not two, but several GIANT, METAL CHICKENS! They weren’t just at that one booth either, no no. They were many booths with metal chickens from mini to giant sized! I’m telling you- the word is out, giant metal chickens are the next big thing!

  245. Got my cards yesterday in the mail…my husband didn’t seem to understand the hilarity. Maybe I need to recreate the scene for him.

  246. I pointed out to spouse that it could be so much worse. I could have come home with a big ass metal chicken. Then, the youngest minion mentioned there was one nearby, but no one knew what she was talking about. Still, should I find a big metal chicken, I’ll make sure to post about it.

  247. I actually drive past that chicken-filled yard about 4 times every day. It isn’t a house, sadly, but a really shitty “antiques” store. It is at the intersection of Dunlavy and Westheimer and somehow avoided catching on fire when half of the block burned last Halloween. I guess because everything there is metal? Anyway, if you are going to make the trek in to Houston to purchase a whole (flock? brood?) of chickens to be Beyonce’s back-up fowl, please come hide out in my bathroom at work. It’s really nice! Roomy! And we have champagne on Fridays! AND wigs are welcome but not required!

  248. I named our cat Beyonce’ for the simple reason that it is freakin’ hilarious to watch my manly cop husband stand in the yard and yell, “BEYONCE’, COME HERE GIRL…IT’S TIME TO EAT”.

  250. I’m pretty sure I drove past that chicken right in the middle of Montrose the other day. If it wasn’t the same chicken, it was surely a relative. I thought to myself, “I should take that picture and send it to Jenny. Maybe Beyonce needs a friend.” Then the light turned and I had to drive away. I will probably never see said chicken again, and if I do, I hope it is standing outside my apartment door. Suck on THAT, weird apartment managers!

    Did I mention my Ambien did not work tonight?

  251. So I was out biking this week and low and behold, there was a metal chicken in someone’s front yard! I have ridden this ride many times and I you’d think that I would have noticed a metal chicken before, but maybe I’m just sensitized to it now after your reading your blog. Or maybe they read your blog and you helped them to feel empowered enough to move the chicken to the front yard instead of hiding it in the backyard (it’s actually a pretty swanky neighborhood).

  252. I just received a metal chicken t-shirt in the mail from a friend for my birthday. Best thing I have gotten in the mail. Ever. Go ahead and buy yourself a towel. Name it after me.

  253. Just so you know, every time I come home with something not exactly *needed* and I see my husband roll his eyes, I simply say “at least it’s not a metal chicken!” And if he gives me any crap about anything (like buying kids’ clothes a year in advance because I HAVE to, they’re on clearance!), I remind him next time I just might bring home Beyonce. Thank you for that story, it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!

  254. An ex- girlfriend emailed me your metal chicken blog post. For better or worse I ordered her a Beyonce tank top as proof of what a thoughtful failed boyfriend I was. Knock, knock.

  255. #1 I will be so disappointed if you stop writing about giant metal chickens. In fact, why not start a giant metal barnyard, add a giant metal cow next? Just kidding, well mostly. #2 I think w/ your chicken card money you should buy towels…possibly embroidered w/ Beyonce’s likeness. #3 This one should probably be #1, I very much enjoy your blog!

  256. After reading your blog I went to Idaho to visit some family for the weekend. Stopped in the town they filmed “Dante’s Peak” because I wanted to say I was that kind of cool and the first thing I see is a Giant Metal Chicken outside the door of a little deli/curio shop. I wanted to put it up here for you but I’m technologically retarded and couldn’t figure out a way.

    I have to say I found something better in that same store that was infinitely more tacky….a GIANT METAL PINK FLAMINGO. 10′ of hot pink awesomeness that had my husband not been with me would have ended up in my backyard. Why would I want a giant Pink flamingo?? I’ll tell you…because my husband (who would probably have a lot of stories to share with Victor) FORBID me from buying to small little pink flamingos to put next to my deck. Apparently Miami old age coolness is beyond his understanding because they would completely make my evening margarita far more entertaining. So I have just put it as my screensaver at work and occupy myself thinking exactly how scared my cat would have been of that monstrosity.

    Love your blog and our common interest of drinking and stressing our husbands out by a perpetual worry of exactly what we may do next

  257. there is a 10 foot tall giant metal chicken for sale off of hwy 49 in Mississippi between Jackson and Hattiesburg. In case anyone is looking.

  258. I have been looking for my own Beyonce since reading this. The closest I have come is Beyonce’s little sister Kelly. Now I am torn on buying Kelly because she is only $20 less than what Beyonce was and she is half the side. I don’t think that Kelly would have the same effect as Beyonce knocking at the front door…

  259. I need you to know that the big metal chicken came up in our nightly bedtime stories with my kids. I was reading your blog to my husband earlier that day and apparently my son (8) was listening. In his story that night, (the subject was supposed to be a robot chicken) his ended with the giant metal robot chicken standing at the front door and ringing the doorbell just to annoy the man inside. Then the guy answered the door and cut the chicken’s head off. So, at lease Victor comes away the winner!

  260. Just want you to know that I found a 4 foot tall giant metal chicken in Cambridge, Wisconsin, this past weekend. With a Coca Cola sign for a tail. I named him Victor. Email me if you want a picture. Thanks for the laughs!

  261. Upon further consideration, I think you should attach wheels to its feet and next time you buy towels ride victory laps around them. Also, think of the incredible number of “riding a giant cock” jokes that doing so would allow.

  262. Pingback: Knock-knock, motherfucker. Giant metal chickens revisited. — TheBloggess.com

  263. @Laura (up there somewhere…) I know I’m late, but I know EXACTLY where that place is in Houston. It’s one block south of westheimer, on dunlavy. They have some GORGEOUS wire butterfly chairs, too. My friend (whose name is also Laura, go figure.) and I drooled over those. So, hopefully no one else has answered this, because reading all 250 comments was not possible, but yeah.

  264. Dear Jenny,
    Please, Please, do not stop writing about the giant metal chickens! It is the only thing that has kept me sane for the past few days. You had so many responses from your Big Metal Chicken, Beyonce, I’m not sure if I miss where she was purchased?

    I live on the East Coast and people around here like, Wishing wells, Lighthouses, and the occasional Flamingo’s etc…..me I absolutely want a big metal Chicken—-It can go along with our 5 feet bear in my foyer- that I “always” wanted, he’s so fucking cute, now we have a 2 foot bear in the family room!! —Can ya tell… almost 16 years later I’m pissed………. Please for the love of God and all that is good in the world, please help?????

    The OtherHalf is getting a bunch of cement work done on the back of the house and Beyonce and that enormous cock at the top of your page would do just fine, especially since he’ll be at work and I’ll be here with all the workers, hopefully their English will suck…and I will convince them to put the chicken right into the new cement deck, and awning:))

    Love, Love, Love….your blog……….

    I’ll go post some pictures of the bear(s)—yes, that is plural

    PurpleStinkyOnion(PSO)

    (I got it at Home Goods in San Antonio. Look online for rustic metal animals. ~ Jenny)

  265. Thank You for the info…the husband is still not happy about me asking you about the chicken etc….or the fact I do not care what he says the f-ing 450 lb. Wooden hand carved bear im going to cement into the ground so like it can not be moved again back into the home hopefully forever or about the enormous metal chicken(if I can find on in time) im putting it outside and buying an umbrella stand/holder-he is getting put in/on the new cement slab! I swear it’s him or the bear, I love the 5 foot bear don’t get me totally wrong but seriously 16 years I’ve been waiting, come on…i’m going to screw with him (The Otherhalf) and make his life a living he’ll……oh wait, I already do that…..Truthfully I’m googling the closest Home Goods store ASAP after we return from our vacation!

    Thanks,
    Jenny, your the best

  266. I was laughing so hard reading this I was crying. My husband thinks I’ve lost my mind.

  268. To heck with the metal chicken. I want to know where I can get a “Victor” LOL

  269. WE imagined it would definitely be some monotonous out of date put up, but it surely reimbursed intended for your point in time. I will content a url to this site with my personal blog site. I am sure this readers will find the fact that useful.

  270. is that chicken still there? That shop is in Houston on Westheimer, close to Taxi Taxi and American Apparel right?

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