Would you like to buy a monkey?

in mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Last weekend at a thrift shop I found a small, stuffed monkey, which seemed to have some sort of snout leprosy and would probably murder us in our sleep.

I named him “Copernicus”.

Copernicus.

I immediately picked the monkey up and turned to Victor with wide eyes, as I struggled to keep my voice down to a whisper so that the shop-girl wouldn’t realize how much I was interested.

me:  Victor.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.

Victor:  Oh, holy shit.  Put that thing down.

me:  Are you fucking crazy?  HE NEEDS US.  Plus, he is made of awesome.  And nightmares.

Copernicus: MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?

Victor:  Did you just make that monkey talk?

Copernicus:  A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.

Victor:  What is wrong with you?

me:  OH MY GOD, HE’S FANTASTIC.  Plus, he just used “strangle” as a noun.  Who does that?  Copernicus the homicidal monkey, that’s who.

Copernicus:  YOUR FACE LOOKS DELICIOUS.  I WILL CHEW ON IT WHILE YOU SLEEP.

me:  See.  He just gave you a compliment.

Then I followed Victor around the store, speaking in a squeaky monkey voice and trying to convince him that Copernicus would save us money because I could use him to make home-made Valentines for our kid to hand out at school.  But he was $15 and that’s a lot of money to spend on a haunted monkey, so I set it on the counter and prepared to haggle with the girl running the shop.

me:  I realize you’re probably very attached to this monkey as you can see his potential, but I was wondering if $15 was really the best you could do.  Because he’s missing a lot of his face.

shop-girl: I just work here.  I’m not really allowed to made deals.

me:  He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

shop-girl:  What did you have in mind?

me:  Um…$10?

shop-girl:  How about $7?

me:  I think you don’t know how negotiations work.

shop-girl:  Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.

me:  SOLD.  No bag necessary.  I’ll carry him out.

Victor:  LIKE HELL YOU WILL.  That thing is not touching my car.

me:  He doesn’t mean that, Copernicus.

Shop-girl: Paper?  Plastic?

Victor:  How about something burlap?  On fire.

me:  He can ride home on your shoulder!  You’ve always wanted a monkey!

Victor:  What?  I’ve never wanted a monkey.

me:  EVERYONE WANTS A MONKEY.

Victor:  Not me.

me:  Well…that’s what’s wrong with you.

Victor:  I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PAID $7 FOR THAT.

me:  I KNOW, RIGHT?!

(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)

Copernicus:  WHERE DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE KNIVES?

Victor:  SHUT UP, COPERNICUS.

**********

UPDATED:  I’ve already made the first three valentines day cards and I’m pretty sure Hallmark will be calling me this week.

This one feels a little dark for first graders, so I'm going to save it until next year. Because I'm a caring parent.

PS.  Why, yes, actually you can buy Copernicus Cards.

Homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics: series 1, 2 and 3

678 thoughts on “Would you like to buy a monkey?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That was an awesome purchase. Copernicus is right, hugging is like a strangle you haven’t finished.

  4. Oh my God. Copernicus rocks. $7? Fucking bargain.

    The third picture of Copernicus with you in a stranglehold had me crying from the hilarity… I will definitely be needing Valentine’s Day cards. Everybody needs a little Copernicus in their life. Definitely.

  5. Spoiled! I was faked out by the *0* comments. This is brilliant and Copernicus is fantasmagorical. He makes me #furiouslyhappy, as does this post. You rock.

  6. I’d totally use that “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” line on my grandmother, but she’s dead. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.

  8. If you haven’t already seen this I’m sure Copernicus would also enjoy it, as he is *clearly* a plasticized zombie monkey.

  9. I am horrified, and completely entertained, all at the same time. And I expected nothing less.
    Pretty soon, you’ll (Victor, of course) have to build a “house” for all of your stuffed friends!

  13. Copernicus negotiated you a more than 50% discount. You should bring him car shopping! Imagine what sort of deal you’d get if he threatened to strangle the salesman.

  14. Pictures of Copernicus hugging Beyonce or I am never come back to this blog ever again.

  16. I would pay the $10 but only if it included a photo of Coernicus hugging Ferris Mewler complete with the satellite dish….

  20. I may just have to steal the line “Your face is delicious. I will chew on it while you sleep.” That’s too good. And there are so many other pictures it can go with…

    How special are we? Two posts in one day? It’s like Christmas.

  22. Wait, what? He’s MADE OF AWESOME? Jenny, I think Copernicus might be a Nerdfighter. Just so you know.

  23. I’ve been storing all the wrong things in my burning burlap bags. Coincidentally that’s my nickname for my hooch.

  24. It appears to me that Copernicus has had a run in with a bottle of white out. However, I’m going to guess that the white out took that particular battle because he’s got this “woah is me, G D white out” all of his face type of look. Now the question is, are his arms of those “Barbie tall plastic shoe can’t fit into the damn pink Corvette” type where he’s permanently stuck into a stranglehold no matter how much he’d probably rather just pick ticks out of the flocked animals’ hair or do they actually move? Personally if I were stuck in some sort of weird ballet movement (though it’s like he’s doing ballet and taking a rather long… Um… never mind I’ll keep it G rated) then I’d probably have only half my face too.

  26. You know, if anyone else had bragged about buying a “stuffed monkey”, I’d be thinking of the sock variety.

    New advertising strategy: stick little flags between his paws, with your message of choice. Swipe that, Warner Bros!

  28. OMG he looks like he’s made of hairballs, and may smell that way too. Your husband must be serious fun to shop with. His retorts have me in stitches.

  30. Oh.My.God. T I shudder to think if Victor was shopping by himself. Just think, Copernicus would still be sitting on that shelf with no one to hug.

    Also? This. “me: Um…$10? shop-girl: How about $7?” CLASSIC!

  31. I am laughing, with tears rolling down my face. I will have to re-read, because I’m sure that I missed something with the tears and all.

  33. Copernicus seems to have a wonderful sense of balance for zombie monkey strangler. Pure talent, and someone finally recognized it.

  34. If you start having strange occurrences after awhile, I think I can find the website for a demonologist or maybe exorcist to help you out.

    Although, he is cute in a Night of the Living Dead kind of way.

  35. “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”
    That is probably the single greatest thing I have ever read. Please put it on a t-shirt so that I can guarantee my bubble of personal space will never be invaded again.

  37. I don’t know if I could ever fall asleep in your house (not that you’ve invited me to do that) due to all of the homicidal critters.
    Holy shit that’s the most frightening stuffed monkey I’ve ever seen!

  38. Oh Em Gee. He’s kinda cute. I wish that James Garfield had a horn because I think Copernicus would love to live with him. It would be like a Christmas and Hanukkah miracle all in one. What, you haven’t heard of Copernicus the Hanukkah monkey?

  39. i totally think i’m in love with you. i’m tossing hubby out tonight. he just can’t measure up.

  40. Your posts always make me tingle in my private areas.

    Or that could be the monkey with face leprosy that lives in my pants.

    This is normal. SHUT UP.

  44. Crying. It takes a fine eye to recognize potential like that.

    I’m going to need a whole collection of cards . . . Beyonce, and now this.

  45. Now if only you could figure out how to put a thingy in the paw, so that when you squeeze it, it would play “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent. Then, Copernicus would be UNSTOPPABLE.

  46. Sweet Baby Jesus, is that straw I see where his face should be? Could loving him be the last straw? Is Copernicus’ face the straw that broke the camel’s back? I can’t stop myself. Your monkey has infected my brain.

  47. Oh. Em. Gee is right. I am crying tears of both laughter and pain. I started pilates 2 days ago and all of the sudden I have abs. And laughing hurts sooo good.

  48. I can already see a domestic violence defendant using the “I wasn’t strangling her, I was just hugging her to completion” defense …

  49. I swear I had a migraine before I read this, but Copernicus ate it. You are my crack.

  50. Jesus Christ. That thing has the kind of haunted, dead eyes you see at the bottom of a well in Japanese horror films. I love him so.

  52. If you like Copernicus, I think I may have some scary stuffed animals people have given my children that could go into your menagerie. One of them I bagged and put into the attic because I remembered the 60 minutes story about how they made stuffed cats out of REAL cat corpses. Just sayin’ … I would NEVER imply that Copernicus came from such a place… 😉

  53. You find the best (and by “best” I mean most horrifically awesome) items in stores.

  55. I say “Thank You” cards. ie. “Thanks for getting that monkey off my back”. You’re welcome.

  57. I’m sure that Copernicus and Beyonce will get along famously. Who do you think would win in a battle? Beyonce, obviosuly is stronger and very large but Copernicus is wily and genuinely deranged. My momsy is on the monkey.

  58. OMG!! Like I just told my daughter, now I need a shirt that says “Knock, knock, Mister can you spare a hug?”

    At least my daughter did warn me that I would spit out my wine when reading this so I didn’t take a drink! So no wine was lost in the reading of this post. WIN!

  59. Twisted mother that I am, I read this aloud to my son – who thought it was hilarious!!! This fit in nicely with the Nature on Lizard King (monitor lizards) that we’re watching at the moment.

  60. I can’t decide if I wish I was Victor (‘cuz you ARE the hotness) or if I’m afraid for him… and for you… no, mostly for him.

  62. How does the monkey get along with Beyonce and the poor forgotten-named-but-well-dressed alligator and Martini Mewler and seriously your husband deserves a ceremonial medal for this menagerie and the dans parte they should be having.

  63. I’d say you scored on your shopping trip! Victor, obviously, doesn’t have a clue about shopping!

  64. Syphilitic homicidal monkeys and giant metal roosters are natural enemies. In fact, the monkeys feed on the roosters. If they did not, the giant metal roosters would spread uncontrolled, which could be awkward, and also unfortunate because they would be so common that you would no longer feel really cool having one. So by buying a homicidal syphilitic monkey, you are helping the environment. It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

  65. Holy Jesus Biscuits woman! that thing IS the stuff of nightmares.
    What fucked up zombie only ate his FACE and then left him like that?
    PS, every time I read you I laugh so hard my hernia grows a little….

  66. Obviously, Copernicus is missing his soulmate. She must have slipped from his arms. You have to find her, probably make it your life work. It’s the right thing to do.

  70. Oh. My. GOD.

    I cannot *believe* you just paid SEVEN DOLLARS FOR that!

    Totally amazing (in that I-am-going-to-have-nightmares-for-a-week-now-thanks kind of way)!

  71. Is he a stuffed monkey as in made of fluff and such? Or is he stuffed as in he used to be alive until he died of an unidentifiable zombie apocalypse-inducing disease and was found by a taxidermist type stuffed?

  72. I am dying.
    Love…
    “me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.”
    “shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.”

    But really? That thing is crazy scary. I’m with Victor. The thing must go.

  73. Tell Victor all he has to do is spank the monkey and they will be BFF’s. Fantastic purchase, because who doesn’t need a monkey like that?

  74. jenny, there are no words.

    i mean, usually i’d have something cute or horrifying to say. like ‘lol @ face leprosy’ or ‘i didn’t finish strangling awesome husband last night BECAUSE I LOVE HIM’.

    but this? i… i just can’t. it’s too perfect.

    wait, i have one. can we have a shot of jean-louis being hugged by copernicus? pleeeease?

  76. Victor is crazy! That thing is PURE GOLD! I wish I could find an awesome homicidal monkey at my local thrift store! Oooo…I think we’ve found the new 16th anniversary gift! CREEPY HOMICIDAL THRIFT MONKEYS!

  77. I wonder if they also have metal-monkeys-missing-half-their-face too. Your collection would be complete.

  78. Copernicus could live with Cocomonkey the marble eyed moldering monkey of awesomosity my sister and I found similarly… Hid him in my brother in laws closet to share the love… Perhaps they both could offer him… Hugs….

  79. Copernicus makes me feel like I’ve been hugging the wrong way all along…

    Oh, and wearing too much face. 🙁

  81. He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

    ROTFLOL – I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in a LONG time.

  82. Just showed this to my wife.

    She went from half-hearted smirk, to an honest LOL, to a shocked gasp at the sight of the cards, to a heartfelt “I feel for Victor”.

    And then she walked around the kitchen shuddering at the thought of the monkey cards.

    So, another winning post.

    P.S. “I don’t know why you follow her. She’s a loon!”

    Exactly! 😀

  83. WHY ARE YOU SO FUNNY!?!?!

    I am crying.

    Possibly from laughter and possibly from the thought of Copernicus appearing over my shoulder with a quizzical look on his face as he gnaws on what’s left of my dog.

  84. OMG!! I hate monkeys, HATE them, and Copernicus, I’m sorry, but you.are.hideous….
    Good luck staying alive with him in your house now!! So flippin’ funny!

  85. OMG I needed to read this.
    I’ve laughed so hard my ribs hurt. Thank you.
    Copernicus is adorable and I love reading interactions between you and Victor.

  86. I just tried to explain to my husband why your blog was so funny using the monkey and the rooster as examples. He just looked at me like I told him George W. was the greatest president we have ever had. I think he and Victor should hang out.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com

  87. Every night I swear that my husband won’t get another chance to make fun of me for laughing hysterically at your blog. And every night he snorts in glee (and some disdain) as I lose the battle. The giant chicken brought me here but the Eric Northman of Cats and Copernicus keep me here. Keep doing what you’re doing! I have never laughed this hard and I am way too lazy (and/or drunk) to start my own blog.

  89. Hubby always wanted a monkey. I’m sure of it.

    So several years ago (when we were in high school on a class trip) I bought him a weird spider monkey. Stuffed, not real. We named it Mike-alangelo. Mike after the schoolbus driver. And -alangelo to “spice it up”.

    To this day Mike-alangelo clings to our headboard and watches us while we sleep. He’s part of the family.

    You can tell Victor that story if you want.

  92. You need a card with the monkey pooping on you while he strangles you. Because that’s what monkeys do- they POOP on you.

    Or at least it pooped on me. I’m still bitter, 5 years later.

  93. Sometimes I wonder if in your real life you are a hoarder. What do you do with these chickens and monkeys? Are they piled up around your house for you to walk on? Do you give them to friends? Are they stuffed in a closet alongside months and months of expired yogurt? Very funny though. Very.

  94. You are officially BEYOND FUCKING AWESOME! And just proved that I need to continue my pelvic floor strengthening exercises with my physical therapist!

  96. The subtle doctoring of the “FREE HUGS” photo makes his nightmarish awesomeness *POP*.

  97. Oh, God,
    I *almost* wish I were still teaching so I could give these out!

    Are Copernicus and Beyonce going to reproduce a hellish devil spawn of Cock Monkey Lepers?

  98. The lipstick used on the first card was the perfect touch and had me rolling on the floor laughing.
    I needed that, badly.
    P.S. Do you share my phobia re movie theaters? Ever since my hairdresser told me about dangers of getting lice from theater seats I haven’t gone to the movies. Going to break the cycle for Cowboys & Aliens…and luscious Daniel Craig getting probed…..

  99. You never fail to make me laugh and often just plain pee my pants! LOL
    That monkey would fit right in at our house with all these nutty kids joking around non stop here! Have fun with it!

  103. I seriously have to stop reading you blog while I drink my coffee – there is only so much Cafe Latte that I can clean out of the keys which has traveled out of my nose!

  105. I’d totally buy Copernicus cards. Clearly your husband and my husband don’t know awesome when it threatens to chew off their faces.

  106. Copernicus is a gift from the Gods. Why? Because I TOTALLY needed a laugh after installing a new door knob because someone stole some stuff from my house and my husband is on his computer filling out a police report – online. On line police reports = no hope of getting your stuff back – have a nice day!

    Thank you, you syphilis-faced homicidal monkey from a deranged Plant of Evil Apes for making me realize that there are things that are greater than my issues.

  107. Your page is officially on my list of “windows I must minimize whenever my 8 year old son walks up because he probably would understand what’s so damned funny”. I just thought you should know that.

  111. If my hysterical laughter wakes up my kid, then Copernicus needs to come put her back to sleep. Or … maybe not. I do believe I might be horrified.

  115. I can’t believe Victor even goes in to places like that with you any more. Or that you take *him*. He doesn’t even know how to pick the good stuff.

  116. I hear batshit crazy is one of the symptoms of untreated syphilis. You might want to get lil’ Copernicus to a doctor before he, in fact, kills you in your sleep.

  117. Ummmm…I’m pretty sure the monkey already killed and either he is writing this post himself or you are now one of those ghost people like in The Sixth Sense and you don’t even realize you’re dead yet. Either way, not good.

  118. Oh my God… he is too perfect. I adore him and you. Thank you so much for the fantastic laughter! {{{HUGS}}}

  119. Oh dear god, a face only a mother could love! Mwahahahahaha!
    Copernicus looks like the evil love child of cheetah from Tarzan and something from the Blair witch project, neither of which I have actually seen, so I’m just guessing, here.

  120. My 7-yr-old daughter came to me while I was reading this post. She saw the monkey chewing on your neck. She said, “Can I watch ‘Adventure Time’?” Her eyes are all over the monkey chewing on your neck. “I dunno kiddo. Did you clean your room?”

    “My room. Does Mom know you look at pictures of monkeys eating people?”

    “No. She will though. I just E-MAILED HER!!!! Seriously. She’s looking at monkey zombies right now.”

    “Yeah. Right. Ok. I’ll go clean my room right now.”

    “Really?”

    “No. God you are such a douche.” She picks up something… I can’t see what…. “Here it is! My room is so clean! Where’s Mom?”

    “Put that bone DOWN!” It’s not real. Chill out. It’s a something else bone.

    “It’s my sister! IT’S MY SISTER!”

  123. Totally read that to my husband and he said, “Well, are you going to buy a card?” and I said, “You’ll have to wait until Valentine’s Day to find out.” Then he made the suggestion that if I wanted to be really romantic, I would buy him the strangling one.

    Love that man.

  124. For some reason I decided there was only one letter i in “the only thing missing is” (when clearly there’s at least 4), which led me to want to suggest choosing a more Valentinrs-themed font, such as one where the single i in “is” would be dotted with a heart.

    Now I don’t know what to think except to fear for my upcoming strangle-filled nightmares.

  127. Holy shit, that is amazing… in a really terrifying way!

    Has Copernicus met James Garfield yet? Because I get the feeling that they would get on fabulously…

  129. Will you please expand your card offerings to Christmas cards? Copernicus & James Garfield would be awesome! This way everyone can get a monkey for Christmas!

  130. Yeah, that monkey was definitely brought over from colonial India by a turbaned servant bitter over his long years of thankless service who cursed the monkey and now one day you’re going to walk into a room and the monkey isn’t going to be where you put it and you’re going to start hearing little footsteps behind you and …

  131. Oh. My. God. If I have monkey-related nightmares tonight, I’m chasing you down and shoving marshmallows up your nose. Copernicus completely creeps me out. I’m with the salesgirl on the not-wanting-to-touch-him-thing; he’s sort of like the animal kingdom version of a Chucky doll…

  132. Oh my God, it’s like you’re addicting me to your crazy strain of meth and I’m worried I’m becoming too dependent on your blog and my family is going to have to stage an intervention and that is going to make Thanksgiving really awkward.
    MY THIRD GRADER: “Please Bloggess, quit being so funny, we want our Mommy back!”
    COPERNICUS: “No sweetie, I need to eat Mommy’s face!”
    JAMES GARFIELD: “Damn straight.”

  137. Just read this on a plane. Laughed so hard I startled the highly obnoxious child sitting behind me into silence. I think he needs a hug. Or maybe a strangle.

  138. HOLY HELL, WOMAN! I can’t believe I am going to say this but- I’m on Victor’s side. There. I said it. That thing has OBVIOUSLY been used is some weird, satanic, voodoo monkey ritual and now all kinds of weird things are going to start happening to you. This is scene #1 in which the unsuspecting protagonist brings the harbinger of death into her home. This is bad. This is really bad.

  139. What to say? There is nobody like you! I adore you, I worship you. May I please be your slave?

  140. It looks like the monkey that my oldest had when he was little. He would walk around with it attached to his neck. But his was furry and tan. I wonder if someone put that in the washing machine with bleach.

  141. Frankly I’m surprised that Victor is willing to shop anywhere with you, much less thrift stores… my husband and I have been happily married for 6 years and shopping separately for about 3.

  143. Holy. Shit.

    I just laughed so hard I scared my kids. And the dog. Who does not have leprosy of his face. But he’d be way funnier if he did…

    ps. airlines have provisions for Helper Monkeys. You should take full advantage of this. Don’t ask me how I know.

  145. First the chicken, now the monkey. You are AWESOME!!! And you need to have the BNL live version of “If I Had a Million Dollars” playing in the background. I kept jearinf “Haven’t you always wanted a monKEY?”

  146. Holy Crap. I’ll be laughing about this all night. In that weird, freak-your-husband-out way

  148. I love monkeys but that thing fucking scares the shit out of me. I wouldn’t want to be near it. On the bright side, I guess you’ll never have to worry about sleepover parties at your house.

  150. OF COURSE Victor always wanted a Monkey…he’s not fooling me. Copernicus is precious. Just don’t turn your back on him. It’s always the quiet ones…just sayin’.

  151. Copernicus IS full of awesome and so was this post. Frackin genius with the funny, lady! Love it! Please don’t let this be the last of him! 😉

  155. Just showed Copernicus to my dog and now he’s whining and walking in circles. Time to call the doggie therapist.

    But seriously are you going to lock him up at night? Cuz I’d be scared to fall asleep knowing that thing was in the house

  156. Could you run for President? Please? Or if you’re busy, either Beyonce or Copernicus?

  157. I love you more with each post, Jenny…. And hey, can we go to the thrift shops together, the ones I hit are crazy monkey free…..

  158. om. eem. gee. Copernicus just woke up my baby. thanks alot stupid monkey. oh, wait. that one may have been my fault. for laughing hysterically. then reading outloud to my husband with what i assume are appropriate voices.

  159. omg, I heart reading your blog. I stumbled across you in twitter and added you to my rss feed, and this *significantly* brightened my day, thank you so much.

  160. Duuuuude…Copernicus is kinda scary. At first, I kinda thought you Photoshopped his face by using an overlay of of the face of Crush the stoner sea-turtle from Finding Nemo. However, I’m thinking he came that way? Man, I need a drink.

  161. i love you. i just really really love you.

    i was in the middle of a physio appointment when i was reading this. don’t worry, i was on “the rack” so had a spare moment. i was giggling so much my therapist came in to check on me. several times. i guess the rack isn’t funny. normally.

  162. Dammit Jenny… stay out of my head! LOL.. I swear to all that is deep fried and crispy that in another life we were twins.. evil twins.. *runs away cackling*

  163. I can’t wait until the monkey-haters find this post and let you know that STRANGLE HUGS ARE NO JOKE. Oh and you’re a spendthrift. (That’s not my PERSONAL opinion. I’m still pretending to be a monkey-hater with a money problem.)

  165. I second the idea of a “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” shirt. If it has a picture of Copernicus on it I would wear it every day until it all looked like his face.

  166. I love reading your blog & laughing out loud! The “Free Hugs” card is totally my favorite.

  167. ha ha love the last card…that would be good for someone to give their stalker…LOL…

  168. So many things right now…
    1. That monkey is fucking amazing, for reasons that only equally as amazing people can identify.
    2. Copernecus was the obvious choice here, well played.
    3. If I say I love you is that weird? But then you just bought that monkey so I’m thinking I fit in here like a glove. Fantastic.

  169. I love you…I want to marry you. I’ll be happy with Copernicus since Victor isn’t….

    OMG I’m dying over here. My husband thinks I’ve lost what is left of my mind…LMAO!!

  170. That is the worst thing since the godawful clown from Poltergeist. Just wait until you’re lying awake at night, staring at him from across the room, and each time you blink he’s closer.. closer..

  171. I wonder how much the sales girl would have given him to you for if you had offered to pay the original $15 dollars? Awesome purchase! 🙂

  173. Holy shit woman, you like to live on the dangerous edge. As much as I’m usually against posting weird links, I think I have what may be considered a PSA for you and Victor. Well, especially Victor. I urge you to watch this you tube video A.S.A.P. – it may save lives.

    THIS is what you may have just brought home. Karen Black didn’t make it out alive, I don’t think I can lose you too.

  174. NO WAY!!!! Back when I was cool and had a MySpace acct, I had one of those virtual pet things and it was a monkey and I named him COPERNICUS!!!! NO WAY!!! I LOVE IT!!! And I love him. The end.

  176. Wasn’t there a song once that said something along the lines of, “Haven’t you always wanted a MONKEY?”

    The answer was always YES…

    You’re not the only one. Oh, and my astronomy-minded husband loves the fact that you named him Copernicus. I can only assume it’s because that guy was also missing a large portion of his face.

  177. I can’t believe you let that thing get so close to your face…

    But, I think “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” is your best line ever.

  178. I still really want a life-sized Beyonce and I do not want a Copernicus, but that was flippin’ hysterical!!!

  179. I introduced my husband, who doesn’t read blogs (including mine) to your site, starting with Beyonce. He’s an even bigger fan than I am, and that says a lot. xoxo

  181. This is absolutely fantastic!!! It had me giggling madly the entire time I read it..
    Also: my brother doesn’t understand the hilarity of this, which is a bit sad….

    Time to buy him a Copernicus Valentine’s card.

  182. So. I was reading this. My 6 1/2 yr old son comes in.

    Mom. Is that a real monkey?

    No. Its not.

    Mom! You should get me one of those! a strangling monkey!

    I think you’re good for 1st graders.

  185. Damnit, I got all excited for a second when I read the title because, hell yes I would like to buy a monkey!

    Now I have a burning desire to start stalking every thrift store, antique store, and random back alley until I find something even half as awesome as so many of your finds. If all else fails though, I suppose I can settle for Copernicus, Beyonce, and James Garfield cards.

  188. My 5-year-old daughter thinks it’s cute. Like, literally, she said “awwww.” and I said “what is that?” and she said “a monkey!” and i said “what’s wrong with its face?” and she said “its skin face is gone and you can see its skeleton. but it’s still cute!”

    I need to start saving for therapy now, I think.

    http://www.nearnormalcy.blogspot.com

  191. let us know when you catch victor spanking that monkey…strangling the monkey? … either way just sounds wrong…*reboot*

  192. If I had a million dollars, (If I had a million dollars), Well, I’d buy you a monkey, (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey) – Barenaked Ladies
    And to think you got it for only $7!

  193. I totally read the last line as “Homicidal monkey cards for HOMELESS romantics.”

  195. I am a new reader. You have made me laugh so hard I cried many times in the last few weeks. Thank you for that. I love your style and your attitude.

  196. Seriously…I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard since I read the Beyonce blog…oh that was just the other day…really….I need you around more often!

  198. Ok, this killed me, especially since my friend just called me drunk from a concert to tell me she was thinking about monkeys. I think Copernicus can travel through time and space. i must have him for her, I will give you $7.25.

  200. Holy shit!!! That is so freaking funny!!! OMG! I LOVE READING THIS BLOG!!

  202. I read your horrific monkey story to my husband…well, as best I could through my tears and chortling…he’s decided to name his new computer, the joy of his life, a fully loaded 13″ MacBook Air, Copernicus. He’s already changing lives, syphilis smell or no.

  203. You probably won’t see this because you have a googleplex (my kids use that word as if it’s a real number so I’m using it too) of comments but you are friggin hilarious. I wish I was your neighbor so we could be bff’s, not in that stalker sort of creepy way, but in the you’re funny/I’m funny and we both love making our husbands faces turn red sort of way. Hilarious.

  204. I have laughed ‘til I’ve cried before, but this is ridiculous the tears are like shooting out at the computer, I can’t stop them… It has been a long time since I have laughed this hard though… so, thank you!

  205. I have never almost vomited because something was funny but,

    “me: Um…$10?

    shop-girl: How about $7?

    me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.”

    ok sorta have to go to bed now, wine party or not. LOL You crack me up!

  206. there’s some Dane Cook or other comedian that did a bit about every guy wants to be part of a heist, and to have a monkey. your husband needs to see that.

  207. You have no idea how comforting it is to know that at least one other person in the world (and in Texas, yet!) would not only fall in love with a sad, murderous & leprous monkey, but would argue with their spouse AND the checkout girl over it. Seriously, Jenny… you continually reaffirm that I do indeed have a place in this world. It may be in Terrell, but I know I have a place.

    PS Also, my Mr.Spouse does not believe we don’t know each other.
    PPS He also has forbidden me to meet or otherwise hang out with you. For obvious reasons.
    PPPS. “Terrell” is a famous insane asylum in Terrell, Texas. There are other awesome asylums in state, too – many abandoned. Hey, maybe Copernicus escaped from one…

  208. I think I’ll be investing in Copernicus’ continued chance to strangle, I mean HUG, Victor! Plus he can be a pet that you don’t have to feed, take outside or to the vet. Not only is he a money making monkey (say that 5 times fast) but he’s also SAVING you a ton! Victor should be thanking you for preparing for when he’s too old to use the bathroom on his own and you have to hire someone to change his bedpan.

  211. can you make one with just the hug/strangle quote and his pic? would totally buy SEVERAL.

  212. Dude, I was totally with you re: Beyonce — giant chicken’s are awesome. But that monkey is freakin’ creepy. Seriously, it may actually make an appearance in my nightmares.

  214. It is clear that Copernicus and you needed one another.
    The shop girl saying that she didn’t want to touch it was maybe my favorite line, except for the “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.” Genius.

  215. Holy shit, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time… I am CRYING laughing! And my husband is just shaking his head at me.

  217. Holy creepy hell!! And I would totally add an “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET” shirt to my wardrobe. Best definition of a hug EVER.

  218. My friend and her family went “hunting” last year in Africa. Her now 16-year old son shot a baboon that is just about ready to be shipped back here to live in his bedroom. After being stuffed that is. I real fucking baboon in your bedroom. Can you just imagine those nightmares? Nice.

  219. I want a monkey…it will freak my pregant wife out…and probably my 4 year old…and the cats. Then I will have to explain to the police about the dead bodies….but I still want a monkey.

  220. That is an awfully long and sinister looking tail that Copernicus has. I’m not sure he is planning to strangle anyone with his little evil monkey hands, but maybe with his tail while he gouges out eyeballs. Yes, indeed, this is a creepy little monkey! I would definitely keep him away from the cats…..

  221. My mother once sent me back to a ‘Big Lots’ type store to buy the world ugliest doll. She felt sorry for it, and knew that no one would ever, in a million years take her home. I’m sure she still sits proudly on my moms bed to this day. I would love for her to meet Beyonce and Capernicus one day. I think they are long lost cousins. LMAO!

  222. Amazing. I love your sense of humor. Was almost LITERALLY rolling on the floor laughing. Thank you for that after a long day! 😀

  224. i can’t remember the last time i laughed so hard. i am officially your newest blog stalker.

  226. I started this comment taking a break from my busy schedule of being in traffic to comment on this blog, but I gotta say something happened that made my LIFE. Some douchenuzzle was driving Han Solo sans Chewie in the carpool lane. There was a bike going along and he turned his head to spit. Car had his windows rolled down. Biker realized it too late. Gave me tingles.

    Anyway, I seriously need to shop where you shop. I NEVER find shit like this. Forever 21 needs to get their shit TOGETHER. I’m a teacher and if I had a monkey, I’d put it in the corner. A kid gives me shit? “GO SIT BY THE MONKEY.” I really need a Copernicus in my life. I’ll name him Galileo.

  227. 200th!

    I thought that would be as cool as saying “First!” but I was wrong. It was cooler. Now I’m going to use it on every website that gets to 200 comments, which will actually make it way more valuable than a “First!” because not every website gets that many.

    Was that a monkey?

  228. I made my husband read this post and he laughed so hard he cried…I think I know someone who is getting a Copernicus Valentine next year!

  229. Made the mistake of reading this in bed while my husband slept. I tried to keep quiet but it just got funnier and funnier!!
    I’m emailing this to everyone I know.

  230. So, when I first saw this picture, I thought “Why the fuck is there a snake skin wrapped around an empty paper towel roll?!?” And then I looked a little closer and realized it’s a creepy monkey and I breathed a sigh of relief… I don’t know what it means that I am relieved by a creepy ass monkey, but I guess that’s a different story for a different day.

  231. Now that your tweet makes perfect sense…. O.M.G.! Loving Copernicus. He looks like something I’d use to keep my kids inline or evil from my doorstep, like a furry little diseased gargoyle. Absolute Awesomeness!
    You know in my head there’s a sales pitch brewing… From the people that brought you that perfect 15th Anniversary gift we have everyone’s Valentine’s day sweetheart….
    <3 you Jenny, I truly needed this laugh today
    ~SherryLinn

  233. I was pondering this further today: Where exactly is it that you shop and why does Victor even bother going with you anymore? The man loves the pain, I am convinced of that much.

  238. I had a hard time explaining to my husband what was so funny about a giant metal chicken. Apparently, he doesn’t appreciate the fine art of subtle humor. So when I saw this darling little guy, I ran and got him so he could see for himself. He took one look and walked away. Some people just don’t know genius when they see it.

    And also, I was looking for a holiday card for this year, so if you could somehow create some sort of super card with Beyonce AND Copernicus, well, everyone on our list would be beyond grateful. Maybe. But probably not.

  239. That chicken is going to be so jealous. Tell me will the knife fight between them be available on Pay Per View?

  243. oh sweet jesus. i can’t lie- copernicus is scary as fuck. i was down with beyonce, and even the boar head- but i just feel dirty right now. and really, really scared.

  245. Oh Em Gee. I have nothing. Copernicus is full of awesome, as are you and Victor (well you) for finding and homing these misfits. You make loving the ugly/interesting/horrific so terribly easy!

  246. OMG. Tears, endless tears, and chokes. Like I’ve been giving a strangle. 😉

  247. Aw, Copernicus is just misunderstood.

    On the third card, I think it should say “There’s a fine line between a hug and a strangle” (Since that’s how he said it the first time!

  248. For the past 6 years, I have had a monkey – but not quite as cool as yours. What makes my monkey special is that he is a Christmas monkey meaning that instead of a star on top of our tree we have a monkey. A creepy fucking monkey with a hat that scares Santa Claus and small children alike. Hell, he even scares me sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night.

  249. I can’t wait for Copernicus and The Big Metal Chicken to go on an adventure together. Probably to visit Victor in the insane asylum.

  250. Teach him to play the organ and go on tour with your own version of Phantom of the Opera. Perhaps get Andrew Lloyd Marmoset to assist with the score.

  252. That BY FAR has to be my favourite post I have ever read. IN THE WORLD. you should wait until Victors asleep and then put Copernicus on the bedside table next to him so he can wake up and find him just staring. Staring and picturing him without his skin.

  253. Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

    Hugging is a strangle you haven’t finished… I want one of my very own… I’ll give you $9 for him! 🙂

  256. Copernicus is most certainly the creepiest, most wonderful little monkey man I’ve ever seen! What the hell happened to his poor little face? Regardless of his past, it appears he has a nice, loving home in which he can torment others. Enjoy.

  257. Sweet baby Jeebus, I love you! And did you know there is such a thing as a solar-power LED light-up Beyonce? There is.

  259. I just found your blog. Thank you for making me laugh at 4am (after Buddha the cat woke me, because….) and I have a whole house to pack and stage to sell because we are looking for work …..and I still have to paint the house etc. Very stressful right now and you made it all better-Copernicus was just the kicker. The chicken was even better. I think Beyonce may be what I need to sell this house. I love you for that.

  260. Be prepared for 9 new readers, Jenny… Every morning I read your blog in my office and typically either spit my coffee at my monitor, giggle like a crazed monkey (hmmm…) or have to make an emergency run to the bathroom because I’m laughing so hard I have to pea.

    Thank you.

    But my co-workers have finally gotten me to tell them just what is so funny…

    By the way, I’m thinking that Copernicus could give Beyonce a run for her (his? – most Big Effing Metal Chickens are men, you know) money.

  261. Even the Barenaked Ladies knew that everyone has always wanted a monkey. If they had known they could have gotten one for $7, they would never have written that million-dollars song…

  262. Okay, this post may just rival the big metal chicken post….awesome. Where do you find these things? Or do they find you?

  263. “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.”….OMG I die laughing! Pure awesomeness:)

  264. My fiance and I sat on the couch last night and laughed hysterically while we read this together. Victor/Jenny conversations are always my favorite, and we were both crying from laughing so hard at this one. Thanks, Jenny.

  265. I’m hoping by the time I finish this comment I will be number 222, but with the three years I’ve had it’s unlikely. It’s ok I’m used to disappointment, but what I’m not used to is laughing in spite of myself. You do that to me, or was it Copernicus? For some reason though I feel sorry for him as if he actually is alive and really nice inside his leprosy and crying that you’ve made him into a psychopath, he can’t help that he trained along side Jason Bourne…or maybe I’ve just been watching too much Toy Story.

    Nicole x
    p.s. thx for being quite a bit funny

  266. I’ve read this half a dozen times now, and it’s made me laugh equally hard each time. Your posts often make not just my day, but my week. This is another classic that I will share with others like James Garfield and the Metal Anniversary chicken!

  268. Long time lurker, first time commenter here… more so because I slightly freaked out by all the touching of a stuffed, once alive monkey. It is a real monkey, isn’t it ??

    Not to be a buzz kill, but having worked at a museum for over 15 years, I know that they use some pretty toxic, poisonous things to stuff and mount mammalogy specimens. If this is indeed an old specimen, then chances are it’s full of arsenic so touching your skin and rubbing it up against you is a definite no-no.

    (He’s stuffed, but not taxidermied. Although he does seem to be filled with horse-hair. And probably arsenic. I’ll put him on a high shelf. ~ Jenny)

  269. Awesome. You and Victor have an amazing relationship. Now Copernicus can join in the fun….at night..when he’s trying to cut off your faces. Enjoy!

  271. HA! Copernicus’ soulmate lives at MY house. Her name is Moira Blackthorn the Sociopathic Squirrel. I found her at a thrift store, where she was threatening to take on the entire pit of stuffed animals. I had a tough time sleeping for the first week or two after she came to live with me, but she has lulled me into a false sense of security…….

  273. I work for Hallmark and will be sure to send this on to the season card team. WIN! 🙂

  279. This morning, (at work no less), I was told I don’t smile as much anymore. The sarcastic, I-wanna-punch-you-in the-face-because-I’m-hating-work-right-now-so-of-COURSE-I’m-not-all-SMILEY, Yvette.. instead…came here. For a good laugh… and to start my day all over again. Thanks Copernicus, you totallly made me smile. 😉

  280. Thanks, Jenny. I didn’t think anything could creep me out more about monkeys than that 70’s or 80’s movie I saw as a kid about the evil cymbal-clanging toy monkey. Now, as an adult, I can have nightmares about a leper monkey eating my face as I sleep.

  282. I can’t decide if I’m horrified or amused. Probably since he’s in your home and not mine, I’m more on the amused side of things.

  286. What exactly is its FACE made out of? And how many of these stuffed animals do you have? That’s coming out like I disapprove. I don’t. I have bought at least 200 stuffed animals in the past year or so, all of them from China, all of them just because my daughter wants them. So I think it’s pretty cool that you’re buying things that smell like syphilis. You’ve shown me a new way.

  288. Copernicus has the face that only a mother can love and apparently his mother did not, hence, why he was given up and sitting in a thrift store. At least he has you now, well…..until he finds the knives.

  289. I like the blood on the first card. But if he is haunted, you’re going to have to put him outside with Beyonce. Because metal chickens fight off ghosts, of course.

  291. OMG I think I hurt myself. I haven’t laughed this hard since … well since yesterday when I read your post about Ferris Mewler and the collar.

    Um, though I think you should probably call in a priest to have a look at that monkey.

  292. Who can wait until Valentine’s Day to send those beauties out!! I’m getting some now and sending them to all my loved ones, because when you love someone who should send them homicidal monkey cards! For when you care to send the very best.

  293. I am so incredibly jealous right now. I absolutely love monkeys, so now I must buy cards with Copernicus on them!! Awesome Buy!!

  295. George Carlin once quipped that going to a concert and sleeping with the comic was like watching an organ grinder and then fucking the monkey. I think this may be why Copernicus is copping a stabby demeanor. What self-respecting philosopher/scientist simian wants to be compared to a comic that can only get the girls the band won’t let on the bus?

  296. I’m so happy to have finally found the answer to a question I have asked a disturbingly high number of times in my life: Who would buy a stuffed animal that someone else killed? You, my dear. You would buy other people’s dead animals. And do awesome things with them.

  297. your link was passed to me by a facebook post of a friend, what a delightful find! and yes, most caring to save cards for the tots till next year. =)

  299. LOL!!!! I have really got to start shopping where you do. You find the coolest stuff! I have to order my weird stuff on the internet.

  301. PS – I saw the tweet and was waiting anxiously to see what you and Victor were yelling about (for completely different reasons.) Thank you for delivering on that tweet.

  302. We have an addiction with going to thrift shops, even our 10 year old, we love it. I have to say this is the best thrift store story I have ever heard.

  303. Victor obviously knows better then to take you anywhere that sells taxidermy wildlife by now. I can only assume that he secretly enjoys Copernicus and Beyonce and , of course, our hero James Garfield. He totally wants a strangle-hug.

  304. Copernicus is precious and perfect. I’m just dying over here. Of course, I’m also the person with 3 Weeping Angels and a papermache skull wearing an Uncle Sam hat on my desk. I may not be a good gauge of precious.

  305. Blogess!
    Just bought 10 of these cards and if my friends don’t put them up on the fridge I’ll kill them!
    Also, I need your help! I am a Chief in the US Navy and I want Dane Cook to be my date for my Khaki Ball. I made him a video. http://www.whatichase.blogspot.com (it’s on my blog.) Please check it out…and help out a girl in uniform will ya?

  308. Copernicus the homicidal monkey.
    Once again, you have made my day.

  309. The question is do you find these awesome treasures, or do they find you?

  311. A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.

    I am going to use this line all the time now

  313. how do I still have my job? they clearly aren’t bothered by the howling and crying at my desk. Jesus Christ on a Saltine, that was the funniest shit!

  314. “Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.” – best part.

    I seriously love the second card. I might have to get some. You know, for V-Day. Or whatever…

  316. That whole post made me laugh, but the cards made me laugh so hard that my narcoleptic dog just woke up and came to check on me to make sure I wasn’t choking on something. I want those printed on everything I own. Dishware, glassware, totebags, I can’t even think of what else.
    I just LOVE you – and Victor doesn’t even know how lucky he is 🙂

    “The only thing missing is you…and MY FACE” I can’t breathe.

  317. GOOD NEWS on the taxidermy thing. ! I kept checking back and internally screaming ” GOD I HOPE THIS THING IS JUST A “NORMAL” UNSAFE TOY FROM CHINA”

    You never know what you find at a Thrift Store !

  318. This should be a T-shirt: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.

  319. I was just introduced to your blog today. Please be my new best friend. Thank you for making me pee my pants.

  323. “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”

    My god. Why isn’t this on a shirt yet? Seriously, imagine how effectively this would repel unwanted hugs or any form of physical contact. It would be like always having a bodygaurd. Only you wouldn’t look like a paranoid nutjub. You’d have more of a serial killer vibe. Which is really in these days, so everybody wins. Except by “everybody” I mean mostly you.

  324. He’s the cutest! Copernicus can chew on my face while I’m asleep *anytime.*

  327. I absolutely loves this post, but I have to ask you to stop posting such awesomely written content. My co-workers are starting to suspect something is wrong with me when I randomly start giggling in my cube. 😉

    Thanks for the laughs.

  328. How is it that you get your man to go thrift shopping with you? I had to divorce mine before he would do that with me. Of course, he was slightly prude before the divorce…. Love that monkey. He needs a creepy horse upon which to ride.

  330. This. Is. Hilarious.

    Call me if you ever want to go shopping. Your husband and my boyfriend can go get a beer and compare notes while we shop. Their conversation will probably last around 5 to 7 … days.

    <3

  331. Okay, after reading this last night, I have to say, that fucking monkey is aw(esome)ful. I thought I was going to have a nightmare about it. You know how you have a birdcage with a doll inside? I’d get one for Copernicus. Just in case he’s not really dead. And for the love of all things unholy, will you please shove an air freshener up his ass (Copernicus, not Victor or Ferris Mewler)? I can smell him from here! “Here” is kinda far away from you, so that’s significant.

    Oh, and I think I have to demonstrate to my husband the “fine line” because he didn’t even chuckle about the hug-strangle relationship. Who the #$^& did I marry? (See what I did there?) He’ll love me for it when he comes to. Maybe.

  332. I totally want to drink with Copernicus!
    and then possibly send him drunkenly after random people on the street.
    or journal editors who reject my poetry.

    also “Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.” made my day.

  334. Oh sweet baby jesus where do you find this stuff??? I was on Victor’s side until the ‘hug is an unfinished strangle’ part and now I’m totally on Team Copernicus.

  335. If I don’t have a chance to read another blog today I will be perfectly content. Oh my goodness but that’s some funny stuff. Thank you for making me laugh again…and again. : )

  336. Oh Jenny we are kindred spirits…
    I almost peed my pants reading this, and that is soooooooo not ok to do at work.
    Copernicus is great, I so would have went with Darwin and would have lost some of his evil essence in the process.

    Teach me O great bloggess!

  337. What if Copernicus was rage infected (a la 28 Days Later) and started a zombie apocalypse?
    Yeah – think about it…

  341. I hope your servers are fortified (and that you set it up for money based on hits) because this seems to be sweeping FB right now. Why? Because you are right, they all DO want to buy a monkey (and are just now realizing it).

  342. Has Copernicus met Beyonce and James Garfield? I think, if you were to let Copernicus strangle … I mean hug, Beyonce, you might just have Destiny’s Child right there in your backyard.

  344. You are very talented and very funny. I started reading with the cat post. I’m a fellow cat woman and Houstonian (Holla!) I love your blog!

  345. I would have been really disappointed in you and this entry if I had read after seeing that picture that you hadn’t purchased that creepy-ass monkey. Creepy-ass monkies need homes too, Victor.

  346. Sweet baby Jesus I can’t stop laughing! I need a shirt that says “A hug is an unfinished strangle”.

  347. Thank you for posting this! LOL I really needed this today. Sweet dreams to all of you… especially you, Copernicus. 😉

  348. You are so my hero…
    I think if we were around each other, we would get into a lot of trouble because I’m RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! LOL! You’re so loved! 🙂

  350. You never cease to amaze me. How you find so many awesome things, is beyond me. ANd at just $7? Seriously. You rock!

  351. I am dying right now. You are the funniest person I don’t really know. Also, I just had a baby on Friday, and believe it or not, we call her squeaky monkey. You may have ruined that for us.

    Jenna

  352. HEY KID! WANNA BUY A MONKEY?

    And other gems from the one (and only) year David Letterman was allowed to host the Oscars.

  353. Very funny. Laugh out loud and scroll up to read again kind of funny. And your Victor sounds eminently do-able.

  354. Ok that was the best thing I have ever read! What you need to do is sell the mini Beyonces like the “As seen on TV” products with “WAIT…if you act now we will throw in a set of 3 Copernicus The Monkey Valentine’s Day Cards!” THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME! You are the BEST EVER!

  355. The best part about this post…the name. I have a cat named Copernicus. I liternally had sweet tea snort out of my nose as I was reading this. <3 your blog!!

  356. You got eight dollars worth of monkey for FREE. And you didn’t even have to send in a copy of the sales slip and wait 6 to 8 weeks for a rebate. I’d KILL for eight dollars of monkey.

  359. I couldn’t breathe there for a bit b/c I was silently laughing so hard. Maybe that’s all part of his plan. He doesn’t need to strangle.

  360. I’m not entirely convinced that Victor is a real person, because who WOULDN’T wholeheartedly agree that purchasing Copernicus was a fabulous idea? And for only $7?

  362. Laughed out loud at work. Not such a bad thing, but I work in a hospital and people think either your insensitive or crazy! Oh well, funny as hell!

  363. I have to say I love that you did a creepy monkey voice, but I’m glad I didn’t hear it because it would give me nightmares. I love the cards!

  366. Tell me where to send my money NOW to order the cards.

    (Just click on my zazzle store. They’re waiting for you. And will give you nightmares. ~ Jenny)

  367. I have to breath now since I nearly laughed myself silly. Why the Planet of the Apes kept running through my head as I read this I’ll never know.

  369. Oh sweet Jesus on a tricycle!!!! This is seriously the funniest thing you have ever written. At least in recent memory. And the best part??? Victor actually addressed Copernicus as a participant in the argument. OMG! Love it. One point for the syphillitic smelling, zombie monkey Victor!!

    Will you adopt me? Seriously. I don’t feel like I’m really *living* without these conversations in my life.

  370. I love you more than you will ever know. I knew there was something about hugging I didn’t like. Now if I could just figure out if I’m offended by knowing the other person really wants to strangle me, or if I’m frustrated because I can’t go through with the strangle. And your monkey…what a scary little darling.

    Keep it weird.

  371. This morning I was watching two monkeys doing it outside my window. (I live in Costa Rica). I could have sworn the male looked at me and said “you’re next”.
    It’s comforting to know the monkeys are talking to you too.

  372. I friggin LOVE this post!!!! I am literally lol’ing!
    Best
    Li
    @lalicenciada
    @herdeepthoughts

  373. Seriously…you find the coolest shit…who would have thought you could top the giant chicken…I bow in the presence of greatness 😉

  374. One day Hollywood will make a movie about your life and this will be a brilliant scene. But seriously cool find! I bet Victor really does like that monkey. Just tell him the monkey can be the getaway driver during that bank job he has always secretly desired to pull;)

  376. I’m terrified of monkeys, so I read through this alternately horrified and amused. But then I got to the cards. I scrolled down far enough to see “the only thing missing is you,” and a picture of Copernicus. I was all “awww! That is actually totally adorable and I don’t even like monkeys!” The dog was all “are you talking to me? I don’t see anyone else here, so you must be talking to me.” He wasn’t impressed. Then I scrolled down a bit further and read “AND PART OF MY FACE” (not in caps, but the voice in my head was shouting it, so I took a little liberty there, sorry) and nearly passed out.

    TL;DR? Totally awesome cards.

  377. The photo of Copernicus looks like a watercolor. Very artistic, really. Is that straw in his head?

    (Straw, or horse hair. Or human skin. Probably straw though. ~ Jenny)

  379. I loved this so much I PLOTZED! As a project manager for a painfully staid bank (I know, that’s redundant), I’m always looking for ways to compel people to actually do what they’ve committed to do. Copernicus is just the team-mate I need. With his leprotic face at my side, no one would dare come to meetings with excuses! I’ll buy him from you. Right now. Of course, I want you to make a profit so I’ll offer $8.

    PS – Victor’s cute, but his taste in thrift-store purchases is sorely lacking.

  381. Copernicus is even more full of whimsy than Beyoncé! You find the best deals.

  382. Ive never laughed so hard at a blog. You…are my hero. And maybe my lesbian soul mate. If I were a lesbian and you were a lesbian. Carry on!

  383. Wow, finally a blog that is weirder and creepier than mine, and mine is about how my (other) boyfriend is an invisible Jew from a past life who talks to me with nightlights. So that takes some doing. Also your posts make my mother laugh harder than mine do, so by rights I should hate you, but I don’t want to make the monkey angry. Rock on, inspirationally strange woman. Rock on.

  384. Please make a card that says “A hug is like a strangle that you haven’t finished yet.”

  386. I love that you made Copernicus talk. I thought I was the only one who did that shit. I would like to request either a post or a card or something where Copernicus and Beyonce meet.

  389. A syphilis smelling, strangling Monkey hug!
    You make me laugh so hard. I love your cards; and really the clerk clearly does not know how haggling works.

  390. Oh Em Gee you are hysterical….I was having a horrible day and Copernicus just made it better. I’m beyond jealous of your warped sense of humor (and I mean that as a compliment). I’m in awe of your awesomeness….and Copernicus of course. 🙂

  391. He’s haunting my dreams and I haven’t even been to sleep yet. He’s a very, very frightening little being, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Also, I own the small vermin-chewed lion version. He’s a tiny poxy lion named Louie.

  392. I want to go shopping with you! ^_^ You find the greatest stuff.

    I monkey/chicken envy…. or is it covetousness? Whatever. As soon as I can I will buying some strangling monkey cards, I need new stationary that stands out, you know? I heart your blog. You RULE.

    XXXOOO

  393. The best part of this: The poor sales girl offered to sell him for less than what you proposed. Who does that? I wonder how they keep track of inventory? Okay, listen I have the sinus headache from hell so I’m not even close to logical here.

    The next time Antique Roadshow comes to town hear you, you should take dear Copernicus to have him evaluated. You’ve read about the incredibly lucky S.O.B. who just sold his cups for $1.7 (more or less)? Well, Chickidee, that could be you!! How would Victor feel then? Huh?

  394. Fuckin A. I.love.this. I have to wait until the end of the day to read these at work because I laugh so hard I cry. I keep saying, holy shit, that is *totally* some shit I would say to my husband, every time I read your blog. Keep it coming.

  395. I fee like there should be a picture somewhere of Copernicus riding Beyonce. Because it would be epic. Knock knock, mother fucker. I’ll eat your face off.

  397. You are delicious. And the upside to insomnia is the decreased opportunity for face-chewing.

  399. I love that you put blood on the monkeys mouth on the first card. AND your photo with the monkey strangling you is just a GREAT photo. It made my husband giggle.

  400. I LOVED this blog. It sounds exactly like a conversation me and my husband would have!!!! Plus, I buy weird stuff from thrift stores all of the time.

  401. He’s creepy looking. I’m pretty sure that is an important feature in a monkey, though, so it’s OK.

    Strangling was once a respectable profession so he’s probably in good company.

  402. Wow, I had a toy monkey almost eactly like that when I was a kid. It was just as creepy! I’m a new reader – I followed a link from Flurious’ commenters. You’ve got me laughing out loud at my desk and it’s already after 5 – I should be going home, but you’re so freakin funny!

  403. Note to self: Don’t drink Diet Coke while reading Blogess – it hurts like hell when it comes out of your nose.
    Keep up the great stuff, you make me laugh my ass off, for reals. Okay, not really or my ass wouldn’t be this big but you know what I mean.

  404. My husband desperately wants to know if Victor has a blog…..he wants to follow it. 🙂

  406. I wish my two year old could understand why I was laughing so hard but he can’t read yet. He just pretended to laugh with me. And he wants a monkey.

  409. A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET = EPIC. Need this on a shirt.

  410. I went to several Antique stores with a friend today and saw a similar monkey that was an insane amount of money, but equally creepy… made me think of Copernicus… I would have taken a picture, but we were being stalked by the employees.

  415. Any possibility of a card that shows the monkey (hehe) choking the chicken? Cause I really need to buy that.

  416. I am in love with Copernicus. Had he been mine, I would have named him Teatime (as in Mr. Teatime from The Hogfather by Terry Pratchett) It is NOT pronounced how you would think. Seriously, if you get a chance, watch it on Netflix. It’s an AWESOME Christmas movie and Copernicus will adore Teatime!

  420. 1: Silent laughing at my computer so hard was asked if I’m ok.
    2: Copernicus scares the shit out of me.
    3: he is like a sock monkey that Geppetto tried to bring to life as a pet for Pinocchio yet it got crossed with a sloth of some kind and it all went horribly wrong.
    4: there was this story they told at daycamp when I was about 8 about a china-doll that would come to life at night and scratch out people’s eyes – told this to children, then sent us home to have nightmares, obvs scarred permanently, I think this may be the cousin of that china-doll.
    5: will remind hubby again that he should be grateful I only bring home vintage pyrex and random glassware.
    6: you are a f’n genius

  421. I’m pretty sure that thing is trying to rape your face. Make sure to lock him in the basement while you’re sleeping.

    Also, you should get a saddle for the cats so he can ride one of them around and scare the shit out of Victor in unsuspected ways.

  422. I want to go shopping with you!!! I must remember not to read you right before bed. Not sleepy at all now!

  423. You’re a genius and I’m so jealous. It should be illegal to laugh this hard. My husband attempted to read your blog because he was wondering why I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe and was turning blue, and he says “I don’t get it.” And I said “THAT’S why it’s awesome.”

  424. I want a card that says the line about hug is an unfinished strangle with that picture of it strangling. I’d totally buy that and send it to all my friends. I’m sure someone else has to have posted this alerady but I’m far too lazy to read all the comments tonight

  425. I hope I can find someone like Victor someday. He’ll put up a fight, but ultimately he lets you be you & that is wonderful.

    Your blog is pure genius & if people were around me they’d probably think I was crazy for busting out laughing the way I do.

    I’ve only just recently discovered your blog & am working my way backwards through it because I have too much time on my hands, but I am enjoying it so much.

  428. Tycho Brahe was the astronomer who had his nose cut off in a duel. But that doesn’t have the same ring to it as Copernicus.

  430. I love your writing. Found you via your post about Beyonce that went viral. And come to find out, you’re right here in Houston? Hilarious writing! My own blog has some humor to it too. I love that you shop for the weirdest item in the store. Laughing at myself & my two young boys is the only way I’m making it through parenthood. 🙂 Thanks for blogging and giving us laughs!

  431. My faves were “some sort of snout leprosy” and “He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.”

  432. OK, so first of all, I totally want to shop where you shop.

    And second, my husband and I were yelling recently too. Except he was yelling at me about an explosion I *accidentally* caused. But don’t worry. It was a *very* small one.

  435. OMG…I will now have nightmares. That is about the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. And because I’m afraid of the bad mojo I’ve just thrust upon myself I now need to say something nice. Um…I’m glad you are a better person than me and can be inspired by such a, um…, unique piece of…um…art???????

  436. It makes my husband loony when I use nouns as verbs (for example: “I am just going to mustard the sandwiches then they’ll be ready”). I have never considered using verbs as nouns! A strangle…that’s brilliant Copernicus! Hmmm…I will have to work on that.

  438. Fantastic argument, you gotta get the $h!t on tape! Copernicus is awesome and he just needs share his abundant love… for maiming and psychological damage, that is. And hey, if your adoption doesn’t quite work out, like when the neighbors go missing, you could always sell his hands as magical totems. …don’t tell him that I said that, seriously.

    – Tyr

  439. That is such a cool looking monkey, I would have bought it to. I would love to have him in my home sitting right on the arm of my couch.

  442. Remember our Heroin Kitties band? We have a new side-project: Leprosy Monkeys. You’re playing ukelele. I’m on castanets. Shit’s gonna be off the hook. Or something.

  445. Judging by his pose and the surprise still on his face
    YOUR MONKEY WAS SHOT WHILE CRAPPING IN A TREE
    and stuffed in the same position.
    at least wipe the poor little bastard

  446. I’m not sure that keeping a haunted monkey in your room is the best thing for insomnia though…… or maybe I’m wrong!

  448. I love it!! My husband has a hilarious posessed monkey story. His name was Ramon -read (Ray-moan) They threw him away multiple times but he would reappear in he and his roomates college dorm. Pretty funny stuff. They were convinced he was posessed and haunting their house

  449. ‘A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet’. Love it! I wish there were places near me that sold stuff like that.

  450. THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! AND I AGREE WITH VICTOR THAT MONKEY IS TOO CREEPY! LOL

  451. Love it! I also have my husband read your post and he dies laughing. I think I may have got him hooked.

  452. Seriously, I just choked on my cookie reading this blog entry…. You can bet that I’ll be sending it over for my husband to read… He can’t stand going to Home Goods with me because they have all of that “odd” stuff…. imagine if I found a monkey….

  454. Give Copernicus a strangle for me, and make sure you record the shreek that comes out of Victor when he wakes up to find Copernicus on the pillow snout to nose with him, a plastic spork in his fist. You can use it to make one of those “singing” Valentines Day Cards!

  456. I’m absolutely naming my fantasy football team the Copernicus Stranglers.

  458. I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought. You must publish a pictrue of Copernicus riding Beyonce.

    I am still laughing from yesterday and my co-workers think i’ve gone ove the edge. I don’t dare give them the address…lest the know that it’s true.

    WP

  459. I can’t decide if Copernicus is creepy or cool as hell… I suppose that’s part of his charm. Cheeky little monkey… er… not.

  462. You are my hero. Cape, tights, and all. Do you have an invisible jet in your backyard?

    While I wholeheartedly support your dead animal adoption agency, I don’t think I could touch Copernicus. He looks like he’s made of felt that’s been brushed back and forth until it’s all nappy. Does it make your fingers itch when you touch him?

  463. First thing that comes to mind, First thing that comes to mind,… it’s been a while since you’ve commented here… it’s gotta be good… that looks like something that would get tangled up in David Coverdale’s ass hair if Tawny Kitaen convinced him to swallow it whole while they were totally making out in their Jaguars with her sloppy ass prints all over the hood.

    Did it. Perfect comment. *comment boner*

  466. “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”
    LOL Copernicus is from a haunted planet revolves around the Murder sun.

  468. And *this* is why I love you (in a non-creepy internet stalker-y way). Also, I believe that I am going to say that “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet,” often and take full credit for it. We live in different states so that won’t be a problem, right?

    Thanks. Weirdo.

  469. So funny. I’m trAvelling on a tour bus everyone around me is asleep or quiet. After spluttering out my drink and laughing out loud. I don’t think I’m Popular. Loved this post. I’m coming back often.

  471. Only you could find something this frighteningly scary and make it funny. Also, where the fuck are these thrift stores ? James Garfield, Beyonce now Copernicus. I’m scared of Texas.

  474. Please, please make a card that says: “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET”

  475. LOL…this cracked me up..However, in defense of the monkey, it looks as if he is rather old, and his face was made of wool felt. Moths have eaten the felt, exposing the exelsior(“wood wool” or “wood shavings”) stuffing.I collect old toys, so I have found several in this shape and repaired them.:)

  476. So I about shit myself when my friend posted this link to my facebook. Here is my funky monkey story…It was 1987 and I was a young 17 years old. I was hanging out with my friend Katherine and we were at a boys orphanage in Quito, Ecuador (why we were there is not relevant to the story). We were standing by a railing in which there was a monkey chained to it. I was drinking a diet coke from one of those cute little bottles just talking away and looking at the monkey. Well, the monkey tried to grab the coke from my hand. I pulled it away, shook my finger at that monkey, and said “BAD MONKEY!” That mother fucking monkey jumped square on my face! I thought I was going to die a horrible monkey death. I could not breathe and that fucker was holding on for dear life! I was in full panic mode, naturally trying to pull it off my head and face. I kid you not, my friend had to peel that GOD DAMN VILE CREATURE from my face. I have never smelled anything worse in my life. I had scratches all over my head and face from the struggle. I was so embarassed that moments after I was free from the monkey, I stepped just out of reach of the chain, tried to quickly pat my hair back down, straighten my shirt and myself, and pretended that it didn’t even happen. My friend and I never once spoke of the incident. I haven’t seen her since that summer. She saved my life! Anyway, as you all can imagine I hate monkeys. My poor kids didn’t even know for years that you could visit them at the zoo because I ALWAYS avoided those exhibits. Seeing Copernicus brought it all back! I will probably have nightmares. My words of advice are to be very careful what you say to a monkey!

  477. Holy sh*t this is funny stuff! I am totally reading your blog, like, every week now.

  479. if that thing wasn’t so cute, it would be scary

    or maybe it’s

    if that thing wasn’t so scary, it would be cute

    either way …. watch out for whatever funky monkey disease ate his face off !

  480. Perhaps Copernicus’ face fell off as a result monkeypox? You and yours should be quite safe as he is actually dead, thus the chances for the exchange of bodily fluids and/or respiration droplets are practically nil. If Copernicus becomes a zombie monkey, that would certainly change things and all bets are off. I’d just go ahead and get a smallpox vaccine. Who wants fluid filled bumps that spread on your face or the 1-10% chance of death?

    http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/monkeypox/factsheet2.htm

  481. THIS?

    So very far away from the word lameness as possible.

    I GIVE IT FIVE STARS!!!

    Truly, that last card…oh, I would drop down on one knee and ask whoever sent me that valentine to be mine.

    FOREVER, and seal the deal with a Cubic Zirconium.

    I LOVED THIS POST, JENNY LAWSON!!

  482. I’m already making a list of who will be receiving these cards from me…only I can’t wait until Vday…so I’m just going to use them as Thank You cards until then.

  485. Oh Em Gee…funnier than the chicken story…I think I hurt myself laughing..

  486. I really want this in necklace form with the words “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”

    I would wear it every day. To work. To meetings. To one on once counseling with someone from HR. Whatever.

  487. …I think I’ve actually had this happen to me. Were you and I separated at birth?

    I’m glad you gave him a loving home. He looks… sweet.

  489. I picture him holding a knife and saying “I’m missing my face, can I borrow yours? ” also he *might be the monkey from the first pirates of the carribean movie. the evil dead one.

  490. Oh. Em. Geeee! I think I almost peed myself when you said “He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.” I <3 Copernicus. I want one to torment my students. That will get some homework turned in, for sure!

  493. Laughing outloud while reading the story of Copernicus and my husband says I’m laughing too loud. Makes some rude comment about how i do that while reading. Hmmmm….maybe he needs a monkey.

  494. I’m going to start sending you bills for buying me new underpants, because I keep pissing myself from laughing too hard. There’s your creepy, borderline too much sharing comment for the day. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  495. This monkey is like no other. I can only imagine how he got to be the way he is and hope to find some future posts on your blog here describing the journey he’s been on until he landed in your arms! This post just made my all-time favorite funny list on my blog!!

  497. Great story. I love the mutual “agreement” over the fact you spent $7 for him.

    He should have been named Tycho, though.

  498. I just came across your blog today and this is hilarious. You had me laughing so hard I started crying. Of course shared with my husband and he spent the next hour reading your blog posts.

    Also shared this on my FB page. Truly amazing and yes I will be buying some V-Day cards.

  499. EVERYONE needs a monkey like that named Copernicus. Only they need to be little robot monkeys. That speak. And say things like “MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?” and “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.” and they need to have their arms move around like they’re hugging.
    It would be like the talking fish— only better! Have it go off at random. You could make millions.
    It would be the new Furby (though those are creepy enough as is….)
    the could also be remote controlled so you could be sitting around the corner pressing buttons and unsuspecting people would hear the monkey threatening them.
    Could even create an iphone app for the robot Copernicus monkey!
    the options are limitless.

  500. Cannot understand what this has to do with Speaker Boehner, but let’s all hold hands and spin. We are doomed. Mother (Earth) is really mad. The Country is way far gone to hell. We need Copernicus. Look at that monkey run! (Howard Cosell)

  501. Bwahahahaha! ‘My comment is awaiting moderation’!!!!???? I don’t believe in moderation!

  502. Could you make a Birthday one?? “Who wants a Birthday HUG!!??”
    I need a solid go to birthday card!!!

  503. HAHAHAHA Damn! This is the first time I’ve read your blog! You have serious issues, but hey so do we all. I will definitely be following you from now on. OH EM GEE you are like a chick version of a less funnier me. LOL I’m kidding, FANTASTIC READING HERE FOLKS!

  504. That monkey is an artist on par with Ted Nugent. You will recall that Ted Nugent used “strangle” as an adjective in “Strangle Hold”.

  507. I made the mistake of reading this post at work. When I got to the “strangle” part, I let out a laugh….. and promptly had to close the tab and read the post later. I work at a public library, so when you’re at the desk and you let out a big laugh, people look at you funny.

    If Copernicus would like to come to the library for a day, I’m sure he would find lots to do….and eat.

  508. He is made of awesome. And nightmares.

    Seriously, Jenny, I don’t even know you, but it makes me feel good inside that you exist.

  509. I think I just said it makes me feel good ‘inside’. Could I feel good outside? See, you make me a better person! I am criticizing myself because I am not witty enough to comment on your blog!!

  510. Um, Jenny, I hate to tell you this, but he’s hideous. Only a daughter of a taxidermist would find this creature “cute.” (Oh, and apparently a bunch of blog readers who expressed monkey love above). However, even though he’s totally creepy, you’d still be a blast to go shopping with. Next time you’re in Michigan, let’s hit the Antique Mall. Your friend,
    physicsmom

  511. OMG!!!!!! a friend sent me the link to your blog, she has been telling me about U for a few weeks now, and NOW I know what the BIG deal is…. YOU ARE FREEKING WONDERFUL AND FUNNY AS HELL!!!!!!
    It took me two days to read through all the post comments, and they are ALL almost as funny as you….
    I so feel sorry for post #351 with the new baby and all… squeeky monkey, that is still a cute little nick name for a baby… just don’t tell any one about copernicus and it will be fine….
    I tried to tell my husband about you and your monkey last night but I just did not have the follow through like you and your loyal followers. So I will send him the link so he can read it himself…
    and one more note… my life has been so full of shit lately, and I really enjoyed LMAO out loud for what seemed like hours!!!!!!!!!! thanks bunches =^,^= christina

  512. If you didn’t already have a BFF, I would totally apply. I think YOU are fantastic. I would like to take lessons from you on how to drive my husband insane. He just doesn’t understand and said “her poor husband”. Whatever, I say your husband is freaking blessed to be married to you!

  513. I want a card that says “A hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet”. I would totally send those out for Christmas cards.

  515. I’m picturing Copernicus “Get Well: Or I will Haunt Your Sweaty Dreams” cards and or Halloween Cards, Vallo-weens?

  516. It is really not fair, the amount of cool stuff you find while out shopping. All I ever run across are chipped china sets. Blah.

  517. Thank you for the bad dreams tonight. Wasn’t that monkey on a twilight Zone episode? Are you sure he was trying to strangle you in that pic? Cause, I dont know, from here it *kinda* looked like he was trying to hunp your thyroid or something. Don’t worry, its our little secret….I won’t tell Victor.

    p.s Funniest post I’ve read in months.

  518. You’re the best, ever. Victor doesn’t deserve you. Thankfully I’ve got a wife who, God Blese Her, would’ve picked up that monkey and brought it apologetically home to me, saying, “I think this is for you, but I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

    And of course, I would have.

    Oh, and you’re really, really funny, too. I have a little cyber-crush on you. Not enough to stalk you. Just enough to keep refreshing your blog daily, looking for newness.

  519. Earlier this evening, I laughed so hard that I cried while reading aloud ScaryMommy’s latest post (www.scarymommy.com/fuck-you-kids/) to my mother and sisters. Now, a couple of hours later, we are watching some bad reality TV, and I came across this post. As I read each line of the conversation between you, your husband, and Copernicus, I became physically unable to breathe through my laughter. I wanted to read it aloud, but couldn’t formulate a single word. I now need to share it with them—as well as everyone else I know. Thank you for making me laugh for a second time tonight—it’s priceless!

  520. Contemplating getting the 3rd card for the Boyfriend. I’m pretty sure that he thinks I cant get any crazier than he thinks I am now. This might just change his mind. I would also love to know where I can buy a Copernicus, I would use him to hug my wine bottles so people would be too scared to steal a glass. He would be the best wine security guard EVER.

  521. Will there be a Devil Monkey/Giant Metal Transformer Chicken street fight on Pay Per View, because then I will finally get cable. And a TV. And a house to watch it in.

  522. That last post was meant to be posed as a question, but I cannot afford question marks.

  523. “A hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet” should be a t-shirt. I’m probably not the first to mention this, but really it’s a classic.

  524. I love it! I read your whole little conversation to my hubby he says I’m special now. But likes the name. I loved the shop-girl’s “haggling” =}

  525. You really hit me hard here, I was just smiling with your conversation with Copernicus but I laughed when I saw Copernicus bite you in your neck. I like you humor and thanks for making my day.

  526. As a professor emeritus at Yale I’ve just returned from a remote area in Brazil studying a tribe of Bororo-Boe. As it turns out, each tribal family has a replica of Copernicus (None as cute as yours, of course). I was creeped out by these dolls that adorned the front entrance of their huts and learned that they were made to expel evil spirits and promote fertility. The hugging monkeys seemed especially potent in the fertility department.
    Just teasing, but I would like to rent Copernicus. I think he could scare the squirrels from my attic. Will $7 bucks be enough? Dickie

  527. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you! These are so hilarious- my friend Amy sends me links to your blog and I always laugh my bum off….this is just too wonderful! Thank you for being so awesome!

  528. I’ve also had a killer stuffed monkey experience!

    So, my college science building was filled with lots of moth eaten taxidermy animals, which were especially exciting to hang out with at night while studying for finals at 3am (the koala with its rotted off nose followed you with his eyes!). While my fellow procrastinators and I were frakking around trying to not do any real work, we started rooting around the closet of our favorite study room and came upon the majestic Spartacus. He was attached to a concrete base, so he could only be moved around on a big wheely cart. His tail was so horrifying, like an army of rabid moths had stripped it bare. So obviously the thing to do was to put a jaunty hat on him and parade him around the science center at 4am. Oh the fun times we shared. Sadly, the janitors realized within the week that Spartacus was being taken out for joy rides, and the secret closet of monkey awesomeness was padlocked forever. I can only hope that one day at a college reunion perhaps, we can free Spartacus from the shackles of oppression once again.

    Photo of Spartacus: https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/sg7qbifP98tn2heScuKB9A?feat=directlink

  530. A friend “introde” me to your site with your “Pick your arguments” and Beyonce’ the chicken (HILARIOUS!) so I thought I’d read your other stuff. Not being very proficient with blog stuff, I managed to figure out how to get to your blog. Does that make any sense? ANYWAY, I think you and Victor are hilarious and he is perfect to put up with your shenanigans…and he goes to the thrift STORE WITH YOU? Amazing…you need to find a tin dragon to keep BEYONCE’ happy whilst sitting in front of Victor’s ONLY window…maybe pose them to Victor can be entertained…. anyways…this monkey story..scary! LOL!

  531. I can totally agree with you that Copernicus is made of awesomeness & nightmares. Will we be seeing Copernicus in any Christmas cards at all? Because everybody needs hugs at christmas 🙂

  532. I really feel like Copernicus is going to haunt me. The way I feel about him is the same way I felt about the girl in The Ring… creeped out. I’ll probably die in a week…. Thanks.

    No really though, I love your blog! The pictures of the monkey just ruined any chance of sleeping tonight though….

  533. Bwhahah you and my mother should seriously go flea marketing together.
    This is exactly something she and I would do to any other unsuspecting soul who went with us

  535. I LOVE IT !!! This story made my morning , whoever you are , you are fantastic !!! lololol

  536. Wow what a refreshing blog. Aside from the humor associated with ‘Face Chewing, Hug-turns-to-strangle’ Monkey…its nice to finally interact with a group of folks who understand or at least relate to my sick, dry sense of humor. I think I just became a regular reader. My poker blog gets between 9000-10,000 hits a month…why? Because I rarely talk about poker. This WILL be the focal point of my upcoming blog. Thanks.

  538. So I am seeing someone with the last name of Copernicus. I am totally not kidding. I wish I hadn’t read this post because now I will think of your homicidal monkey instead of the guy I am seeing.

    You may have ruined my relationship.

    Thanks Jenny.

  539. I can barely breath right now…DYING!!!! I was laughing so hard through this whole post that I had to literally cover my mouth for fear that my BF would have me committed! “Plus, he is made of awesome. And nightmares.” I <3 you so hard!!

  540. Please Victor, don’t ever leave. If Jenny didn’t have you to harass incessantly, she would a) not be quite as riotously funny, and b) come after one of us. thanx for taking one for the team.

  541. I’m sure if I tried real hard I could come up with som fabulous cmoment,but the truth is I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. I cried, could catch my breath, woke up the kids and have now started talking in monkey voices to The Husband.

    Thank you. Spank the monkey for me

  542. Copernicus should make himself sit on Victor’s side of the bed one morning.

  545. Were you trying to make a reference to “If I had a million dollars”? If so, I got it. If not, I am more insane than I thought.

  547. OMG does this monkey have any monkey babies laying around yet or has he managed to eat them too!!!
    this is the funniest story EVER you should write short stories for children. I can so picture this story playing out right in front of me in our local consignment store. thanks for sharing- are you still alive

  548. Well thank you for writing this. I about died when I read it. Laughing out loud at your computer while at work is not something I advise, but I think most of my co-workers are used to it. Hysterical!

  550. I am so relieved to see that Victor does indeed have a sense of humor!! LOL!!!

    ” How about something burlap? On fire. ”

    Please take ME shopping with you!

  551. I make my husband read these. He was reluctant at first, but is now just happy to know that he is not the only one that has these kinds of experiences with his wife. But seriously, you do need to sell towels with the giant metal chicken on them. He doesn’t think we need new towels or a giant metal chicken…two birds, one stone.

  553. I laughed so damn hard that my eyes started watering.
    Fantastic story. I would’ve done the same thing.

  554. I think he’s magic. I showed him to my mum, and it was like he was strangling her. But from another country. Remote control strangling.

  555. I have a habit of reading Copernicus as “Copper Knickers” in my head, which I think could be his burlesque name. Or something.

  558. I think you need to add poster style cards of him to your store. I would like one that says, “He is made of awesome…and nightmares.” I would totally buy that.

  559. Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can envision a series of monkey books….

  563. While I think the cards are awesome, maybe you should see about doing a scratch and sniff one so we can have the full on AWESOMENESS of Copernicus

  565. Do you read all your comments? That would be impressive. I really like this post, the speech in Utah, and the giant metal chicken thread. Rock on and be furiously happy. Thanks for your inspiration.

  566. God I love your blog. I have came back to this two or three times and I crack up every time at the AWESOMENESS of Copernicus! I want one 🙂

  567. My life partner, Nate: Is there a way to leave a comment on that thing?
    Me: Why, yes!
    Nate: Victor is a saint.
    Me: Do you not see the potential of a monkey made of awesome and nightmares? Because I do, and I think Freddy would want a friend (note: Freddy is our homicidal penguin)
    Nate: ….to be fair I’d probably spend $7 on a demonic monkey too

  569. alright can someone please tell my what the fuck this shit it like serisouly does no one have anything betterard to do then be a fuckikng retard

  570. Hello, we’ve never met before, because I’d sworn off blogs before finding yours. That said, Victor needs to move along now because I will not stop until I have replaced him.

    Wow, then you’d have two slightly creepy beings in your domicile. And you might not swing that way. And my husband might be a little distraught. Not to mention my children.

    On second thought…

    <3

    It feels like spring all over again. The world is shiny and new. And my day had so totally sucked!

  571. Please let me know when you breed Copernicus to something. I would love to get a few offspring for my own little Shop of Horrors. On a different note, I think I found a home on this blog.

  573. 😉 Everybody wants a monkey. At least, I alwayas wanted one. I always have listened that monkeys must not be living in a human house. Maybe it can be true but… Copernicus appears as he really needed a nice family. Good for him!!!

  577. I love this so hard I sent it to all my friends and made them read it. Some, I tied to a chair and read it TO them.
    While laughing.
    And crying.

    And then this morning, a friend and I discussed the benefits of diversion by way of proclaiming ourselves married and Cooernicus being our lovechild… Which then spurred on questions such as ‘which side does the evil spring from?’, ‘how old is Copernicus?’, ‘how did I manage to give birth to a live monkey?’, and ‘why do you get to hog both awesome and nightmarish qualities as yours?’. (Which in my opinion is a silly question since EVERYONE knows awesome and nightmare are traits passed on by the mother.)

    So thank you.

    Yes.

  581. a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet is now a permanent part of my slogancabulary. thank you. thank you for bringing copernicus into the lives of all my personalities.

    3rd card rocks. but you’re right – maybe a smite too dark for 1st grade but for sure ok by 2nd. no doubt.

  586. I am beside myself with laughter! I LOVE crazy scary Monkey’s. Your wit is just completely FABULOUS! I am a Wannabe writer. I came across you on Twitter. I have been following your Blog ever since. I think you are Great.

  588. I think we would all appreciate it if you checked in with us every once in a while. Just so that we all know that Copernicus has not murdered you in your sleep. Thak you.

  589. Man, you sound like you’d be really obnoxious to know. Like… one of those people who discovered the internet well after the culture had developed there, and missed the part where you’re not meant to take internet culture and mix it into your real day-to-day behavior.

  590. Are you sure the FB page for the monkey isn’t you? If not, they are using your website….

  591. Ok….. like I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF READING THIS and thought I would share this with my husband just to brighten up his boring morning working on taxes. He did NOT utter one laugh, no chuckle, no nothing. Oh wait…. he’s a guy and it guess something is only funny if it involves balls, farting or boobs. I give up! I think he must be Victors missing brother plus he hates monkeys…… think I will get him a fucking sock monkey for Christmas.

  592. Ok, I’ll admit there might have been a minor amount of bladder leakage whilst reading this enjoyable tale. Yes, although leprocy-laden, he is a charming simian. Thank you for making me smile and self-soil.
    ~ jess

  593. BUSINESS PROPOSITION:
    Next convention you go to, sell Copernicus hugs for a nickle each with the slogan
    “Need an excuse to go to Hawaii? HUG ME. I’ve got snout Leprosy and I’m sure if we make physical contact, you’ll contract it too!”
    In case you’ve no idea why leprosy would be an excuse to go to Hawaii – though I’m sure you do – here’s a helpful wikipedia article to explain why.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalaupapa_Leprosy_Settlement_and_National_Historical_Park

  595. At first I thought, “How sweet!”. Then I realized I could never sleep again, due to the horrific nightmares emanating from this evil little monster. Burn it! Quickly!

  597. I think he’s great…BUT…I’d be careful about letting him sit anywhere that’s really very hot and humid because he might have bugs and worms that could hatch and crawl out of him. Seriously. This happened with two old straw-filled bears I bought and set out on our 3-season porch in 95-degree humid weather. I found instructions for de-bugging/de-worming them, however, and now they are fine!

  598. I’d love to jump inside your head and walk around a little while.
    I do think that it would be wise if I have some sort of a tether, because something tells me there is a point of no return.

  599. Actually he might be an old Steiff stuffed animal, he could be worth something, even in his tatty condition.

    On the otherhand he’s priceless as is.

    Please consider doing a strip featuring him. I loved reading this out loud to my husband. 😀

    I’m very curious what camera/lens you shot that with, it’s got a great feel.

  601. OMG!!! He’s ADORABLE!!!! Where can I find one of my own? I would show it to ALL of my friends! (But they may not talk to me after that…[WHO CARES!! It’s COPERNICUS!!!! XD])

  604. I MUST have a “Keep Calm, Hugs are Free” poster with Copernicus on it. (pink or blue would be fabulous… they seem so unassuming in color and the threat is so subtle). Not to mention I could put it up at work and not offend anyone who isn’t already a fan. 🙂 Please oh please. I must have a Copernicus Keep Calm poster.

  606. This post made me realize I dont act like Victor. Hell, I would of been the first one to have wanted to buy that monkey! I would of paid $15.00 dollars for it. And I would have set him on top of my book with the short story “The Monkey’s Paw” :3 Or make him hold a microphone and make him the lead singer of Monkey Hell Metal band along side http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/2084326.jpg this guy!!

    And Copernicus is an ace name for a monkey!

  609. Copernicus song is “Keep Awake” from 100 Monkeys, right?
    “I will kill you in your sleep
    so you better try, try and keep awake
    I will kill you in your sleep
    so you better try, try and keep awake
    I will kill you in your sleep
    so you better try, try and keep awake
    I will kill you in your sleep
    so you better try, try and…

    Keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin’
    Cause I’m in the kitchen with a knife that’s itchin’ for your red blood
    On those white sheets

    So keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin’
    Cause I’m in the kitchen with a knife that’s itchin’ for your red blood
    On those white sheets”

    Seriously, great song.

    Send hugs to Copernicus from me.

  611. Recently, I was having a rather difficult time with some teenage-roommates who were apparently hellbent on my untimely implosion. My mother took pity on me and sent me a care-package of sorts. She said there was something inside that would “make” me “laugh”.

    This was it:
    http://i.imgur.com/LLNkS.jpg

    This bright-blue monkey with a fabulous 1970’s scarf around his neck and a bag of mini-Twix taped into his arms, with “MINE… ALL MINE!” written across the side sprang out of the box at me. I named him Copernicus. Copernicus Henry Roderick Lecter II. I don’t think I want to find out how he plans on “making” me laugh, especially since I got kinda hungry last night and took the Twix away from him. I’m afraid. Anyway, I have introduced my mom to your blog, and am now hoping for my very own metal chicken for Christmas! … if I make it that long… No… Copernicus, what are you doing? What are you… Noooooo!

  613. Oh my fricking gosh!!!! You crack me up!!!! I love the pic of Copernicus attacking you on the throat!!!

  614. Just so you know, after reading this post my boyfriend promptly said “wow, I didn’t know there was anyone else on the planet who thrift store shops like you, but I’ve found her.” Yes, I too would buy a homicidal monkey. My latest purchase? A moving talking demon cat. Her name is Lucifer. Be jealous.

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  619. Forcing a leprotic (is that a word?) monkey on your husband has GOT to be grounds for being stoned in some third world country. But then, i guess you could say that being stoned is grounds for purchasing said monkey. So it’s sorta 6 of one and half dozen of another.

    Carry on.

  620. My husband is watching Saturday Night Live, which is not terribly funny. I am reading your blog and laughing so hard he can’t hear the unfunny tv show. He was annoyed until I showed him the monkey.

    He’s a biologist and we think you should create a low-cost health clinic in your neighborhood by charging the kids $1 to lick the monkey to boost their immune systems. I am sure they could get a whole cocktail of communicable diseases and some of them will die, but others will become super heroes. Best origin story ever.

  621. OMG how have I not found you until now? There goes the “work” I had to do today…

  625. Dear God, finally someone with aesthetics as horrible as my own. Because I am a really bad parent, we named a similar monkey Mr. Busy Moo-Moo after a state representative from Rwanda and wrote a song about him which we (me and my poor children) would sing on car trips–
    it’s an upbeat tune, and went something like this

    Mister Busy Moo-Moo

    Mister Busy Moo-Moo the radioactive monkey,
    Mister Busy Moo-Moo, he’s really very funky
    Mister Busy Moo-Moo, you’ll buy him really cheap,
    Cause Mister Busy Moo-Moo will kill you in your sleep!

    Slit your little throat and eat your tiny face,
    Then proceed to fling poo all about the place,
    So lock up all the knives and hide away the guns,
    Cause Mister Busy Moo-Moo just wants to have some fun!

    Mr. Busy Moo-Moo will steal your neighbor’s cat,
    Tear it all to shreds and wear it as a hat,
    Mr. Busy Moo Moo, you’ll buy him really cheap,
    Cause Mister Busy Moo-Moo will kill you in your sleep!

  628. Your quote of a hug and a strangle hits far too close to home with my mother, but I do find Copernicus strangely adorable.

    I’m also wondering how you know what *that* smells like….

  629. I’m over here through Cakewrecks’ brilliant post on Copernicus. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the last few minutes of laughter you provided!

    In fact, I will be forwarding this to a friend, one who has an aversion to hugs. Now I know why.

  630. Oh my gosh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  632. Keep calm and STRANGLE on!

    That is so awesome. “Hi – would you like a hug?” Bwa ha ha ha.

  633. My wife sent me this link and it reeks of WIN. I am reasonably certain that Copernicus was once owned by Chuck Norris, as this is the only feasible explanation for his awesomeness.

    I think that you should begin a “Flat Stanley” sort of campaign, i.e. mailing Copernicus to likeminded folks who appreciate him for what he is, and they can send you photos of him in exotic/amusing locales. I for one want him to ride in my patrol car and leer at people. Instead of “Flat Stanley”, “Odious DumpsterMonkey” might work. He would of course eventually find his way back to your loving home, perhaps wiser and better-traveled.

  634. You had me howling with laughter right from the start (to be exact: “snout leprosy”). What a gor(e)geous thrift store find! I was curious about Copernicus after I just read about him over at cakewrecks, and I guess I’ll take a late-night surf around your site. It’s almost 1am here in Germany, but sleep can wait.

  635. Can you make a fourth valentine with the line “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet”? Please please please pretty please?

  636. I scrolled for 2 minutes to get to the bottom of this so ding-dang-it I’m leaving a post! I can’t tell you how much I needed a laugh today. my wife posted this on Facebook and now I need stitched in my side. No kidding, I’m going to the ER right now. Ok, well maybe not but it was that funny. Thank you.

  639. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! It was just like a conversation that would happen between my husband and I.

  641. I realize this is a very old blog post.. but I’ll give you $8 for that monkey. And Ill pay shipping.

  642. I too, realize that this is an old blog post. However, it was just shared with me TODAY, and frankly I am pissed as to why no one has shared it before. It. Is. HILAR. And it made me snort apple out of my nose.

    So thank you for making my Monday bearable.

  644. OMG that’s EPIC! I read it out to my partner, in fits of laughter through it all. I personally could not own a toy like Copernicus, I would never sleep again. But, that said, he is totally awesome… and terrifying O.o

  645. Thank you. I just laughed so hard that I cried. Do you think Copernicus will be featured on any Christmas Cards as a homicidal elf?

  652. For some reason, I can’t seem to remember Copernicus’ name, and I keep thinking his name is Socrates. So, if you would re-name him Socrates, that would make things a lot easier for me. Thank you in advance…

  653. It hurt to read the last half of this post because I was laughing too hard. Thank you for the tears and chest pain.

  657. I don’t recall the last time I read something this incredibly funny, that I had tears…running down my legs.

  658. This is great. It give me chills looking at it. I Alonso can’t look right at it.

  659. I just had the pleasure of having my photo taken with THE Copernicus AND Jenny Lawson. So nervous. It was epic.

  661. I will probably be laughing forever over this. The amazing thing is, I just bought a really creepy monkey last night, and a friend of mine had previously read your blog, tagged me in it. My daughter is scared to death to even sleep in the house (17… i know, Father of the year) and I am completely milking this for everything it’s worth. We talked about my monkey coming to life and homicidally killing us last night, and then this morning your blog crosses my path. Too creepy! Now I’m on a path to collect all the creepy monkeys I can find. Forever.

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  664. This post is the gift that keeps on giving. I was on the phone this morning with tech support and re-reading this for about the MILLIONTH time and when the guy got back to me I was laughing. When we got off the phone, HE was reading it and laughing! Thank you again…and when you are feeling down, add me to the list of people that wish you well and are grateful to have you in the world.

  665. each time i used to read smaller articles which as well clear their motive,
    and that is also happening with this post which I am reading
    at this time.

  676. My granny used to say “let me hug your neck”. Now I’m wondering if Granny had scarier thoughts on her mind than I understood at the time.

  677. I love your idea to buy a stuffed monkey. It can be fun but my kids do not like dead monkey. My younger girl love to play with monkey dolls. But I can scar my kids with stuffed monkey.

  678. I adore your concept to purchase a plush monkey. Although my kids dislike dead monkeys, it can be entertaining. Monkey dolls are a favorite toy for my younger daughter. However, I can use a stuffed monkey to scare my kids.

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