I saw this life-hack about how you can lightly trace notes on banana skins with toothpicks and then the next day the notes will show up like magic.
The person writing the tip suggested writing sweet notes for your kids on their bananas. I promptly went and traced notes on all of our bananas and then immediately forgot about it, until the next day when I heard Victor screaming about how the bananas were talking to him.
I acted like he was insane and like I couldn’t see any notes on the bananas, and asked if maybe he needed to go lay down and rest, but then he was all “I recognize your handwriting, dumb-ass. Why are you writing threatening letters on the bananas?” and I was like “Because we were out of post-its?” But then I finally admitted that I was just practicing, because I thought it would be funny to write paranoid demands on bananas at the grocery store, so that when people get them home they’ll be all “What the fuck? Are these bananas talking to me? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” Then Victor just shook his head and walked out of the room. Probably because he couldn’t stand how awesome I am.
PS. I suppose you could also write sweet, complimentary things on anonymous bananas, like “You’re so beautiful” and junk, but honestly I think having a banana hitting on me would be way creepier than one telling me to “Act natural. You’ll be contacted soon.” It’s probably just me.
PPS. I can only think of about 6 things to write on stranger’s bananas so if you have any suggestions, please leave them.
Damn, even your banana pictures are funnier than mine.
I just spit ice all over my keyboard.
I am SO stopping at Kroger on the way home!
Going to the store now to buy some bananas!
Maybe it’s too early in the morning, but “writing things on stranger’s bananas” was fucking hilarious to me.
As for banana-writing-for-strangers suggestions: How ’bout, “I know what you’re REALLY going to use this for”? (And by that, I of course mean “battling your potassium deficiency.”)
more banana lines…
that shirt? really?
crocs are for idiots.
me cream pie. (get it? banana cream pie? …)
go suck an egg.
your mama’s so fat…
gin and juice
“organic”
ke$ha was here.
i <3 apples
Banana dirty talk would be great. “Yes, I AM happy to see you.” “Have you ever seen one THIS big?”
“Eat me” ?
Holy crap, this is AWESOME. So many dirty things to write for my fiance on those. Wonder how long it’ll take him to figure out how I’m making it happen.
I’ll just tell him I’m buying dirty bananas.
That is laugh out loud funny! I wish my husband ate bananas so I could do the same! Instead, I will have to find strangers to scare the hell out of 😉
More suggestions:
“Peel me to see a really big spider”
“Tip: Ebola is transmitted by touch”
“Help! 1601 Jefferson Ave HURRY”
Howsabout “This banana will self-destruct 30 seconds after eating it.”
If you were magic, then you could write on the inside of the banana skin, to only be seen after it’s completely consumed, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have a rash.” OMG rampant banana STDs!!
Or
“Don’t mind the spots, it’s just monkey pee.”
“Murderer”
Ahhh…we’re talking bananas and not, well, er, ‘Bananas’ *wink*. My way is also a ton of fun. Getting random men to lie still is a bit tricky, but do-able with sedation.
I have NEVER been so excited to go to the grocery. Those bananas are going to have so much to say!
*Inspiring, Jenny. Inspiring.*
I suppose “Eat me” is a little obvious… “phallic” would just be rude. “Call your mother” might help strengthen family bonds, or finally push someone over the edge of matricide. “Hi, my name is Anna” would be cute. “whadda you lookin’ at?” would be a good one for NJ…
This is brilliant and I want to do it so badly. It would give me so much joy! I just wish I would be able to see people’s response. Maybe I will try it on my roommate first like you did on Victor…
Much love,
B
**Snickers** @ Erin. Excellent.
God, that’s cute!
I found out the other day that my 21-month old nephew loves bananas to the extent that, from half a store away he spotted them and started screaming, “BANANAS! Bananas bananas! Want BANANAS!” I should tell my sister to scratch “Time to go night-night” in the skins. It might save her a few migraines.
Don’t turn around!
Yours should have said , Hi, Victor
I once scratched “Don’t kid yourself. You know you did it.” on a banana and my ex told me he cheated on me with his favorite barista at Starbucks. I still can’t believe he confessed because of accusatory fruit. Also, I haven’t had Starbucks since.
Should I be worried that I was eating a banana when I came across this post? Now I’m afraid of what the rest of the bunch will have to say tomorrow.
I’m addicted. I came up with about a hundred in an instant.
Don’t Panic!
Calm down!
Help me!
Eat me.
These are not the bananas you’re looking for.
It’s a trap!
Sasquatch.
If found, please return to tree.
“I’m watching you”
“reD ruM”
I am SO doing this.
bwwaaahahahahahha
‘Hard on the outside, soft on the inside’
‘Eat Apples’
6 Things to write on bananas:
1. Let me out!
2. Buy a plantain.
3. C’mon. I have a kid.
4. For intended purpose only.
5. Wanna know what’s under the peel?
6. I’d eat you if I could.
That’s the most useful Lifehack I’ve read to date. I’m giddy imaginging the endless possibilities of messaging I can include on my tradesman husband’s lunch bananas. As you might imagine, his co-workers are relentless about his affection for the fruit.
Every once in a while, my 17 year old writes “Banana Phone” on a random banana…and I don’t know why!
If you are to leave the Bananas in thE grocery store I would write “Check out the melons over there.”
Or “Wolverines!”
“I’m really a plantain”
“Don’t touch me, asshole”
“Banana hammock”
“Eat more grapes”
“How YOU doin?”
“Bruises hurt”
“I can’t stand this bunch I’m with”
“I taste like chicken”
Of course, you must either write really small, or find some really long bananas for some of mine. I’m wordy.
Poor Victor must be dizzy for all the head shaking he does.
“For a good time call: 555-1212”
This banana will self-destruct in 60 seconds.
Writing threatening notes on bananas makes more sense anyway. I am totally going to have to try it out on my kids! Too funny.
“Eat an Apple”
–>How about – –
“It’s hot in here.”
“The monkeys scare me.”
“It isn’t easy being green.”
“Sometimes I feel fat too.”
“The brown spots are angel kisses.”
“Wolverines!”
bahahahaha I love the readers comments as well.
“Eat me. I dare you.”
“You are going to do what with me?”
“Continued ——>”
“They Lied”
“They Live”
“We Are Watching”
I’m sure I could think of more if I really tried lol
I don’t care what you write on them, just be sure to sign them – love, metal chicken Beyonce.
“Tell no one.”
“look Behind you”
“Property of Copernicus” (of course, you could only use that at your house…)
You totally made my morning. And I’m going to get bananas after work…
I’m so glad I read this before I went to the grocery store today.
“Undress me” might be funny.
“The truth is out there.”
“You have a boogie.”
“Pervs are watching you eat this banana.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I have a dream…”
“Bite Me!”
“Have you seen my chicken?”
“Soon, Human. Soon.”
And:
“IT HURTS, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.”
“Knock-knock, motherfucker.”
Beyonce’s writing on the bananas again.
I think you may have just increased the sale of bananas in the area. lol
I have to go to the store now, brb.
“The potatoes have eyes.”
“I’m with stupid —–>”
“No, I’m not happy to see you.”
Actually, I carve my son’s name into his banana for daycare. I’m going to start adding more and so I can weird out the caregivers by being more “creative.”
OH! and possibly “Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?”
must go do this immediately. and at $14.99 per kilo currently (that’s $7.50 a lb people, $7.50) it may just cross into fine art territory.
Hammock. (clearly)
Banana: “Knock Knock, M.F.”
i say, i say….this is a pretty mucked up group reading this here post…..
Either that or I’m just grumpy because MOOG was right at two hours ahead of me for redrum, redrum
Though to that I would add a small pinky finger with eyes if I could draw stuff
“Buy a big metal chicken” You know to spread the movement. 😉
867-5309.
@Michelle
That made me laugh more than the bananas at the top of the page! Long live Beyonce!
Banana like human meat.
Eat me and I kill you.
Bananas are poison.
Bananas make you pregnant.
Banana like you.
You’re pregnant.
Julie
ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com
I’ve got PLENTY of ideas–
“Stop picking your nose”
“Pop-Rocks Rule”
“Take orally”
“Eat Me”
“No Means No”
“Don’t Forget Milk”
“TBMC was here.”
Haha that is cool. I would screw with so many people.
I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you can also use a needle to poke holes in the skins every 1/2 inch or so down the banana. when you have the needle inserted you move it back and forth. Then, when the person opens the banana it falls apart in slices.
I say, hit victor with both.
And maybe “Happy Breakfast, Motherfucker”
“Eat me and I will take your soul.”
“I’m what death tastes like.”
“Goodbye John.” (Write that on enough bananas and you’re BOUND to get one picked up by a John.)
“I carry rabies… And syphilis.”
That’s pretty much as dark as I can go for now. Give me half an hour to recharge and I’ll probably have more.
I would go with:
“They’re in the Pantry!”
“Rosebud…”
“Seriously?!?!”
“Banana Rights Now!”
There are more…oh, there are so many more….
You are too funny! And quite evil. Great combination. 🙂
How about you just write “I’m a banana, I’m a banana”? I so need to do that to one of ours, but then I will have to hear that damned song for days.
“Wash me, you have no idea where I’ve been.”
I was going to post some things to write on bananas but now I want to know where JJ lives and has to pay that much for bananas.
” Reserved ”
“Sorry, I’m not into that kind of thing ”
“You’re gonna do what?”
“Tag, you’re it”
“Don’t look behind you”
“hahahahahahahaha….no”
Can’t wait for the price of Banana’s in Australia to come down just so that I can try this. At almost $18AUD they are a tad pricey ATM.
Even just a name might stop the people I live with from stealing my fruit. So a good one for that would be “Property of “Insert your name here”
love this
Oh my goodness, this was the perfect thing for first thing Monday morning. My mind also goes immediately to threatening messages, because they’re so much more fun when they mysteriously appear. Too bad my husband doesn’t like bananas . . . Oh well, random acts of insanity right?
I’m thinking:
You’re being followed. NO! Don’t look!
Don’t even blink
It’s heeeeeeeeeeeeere.
REDRUM
Are you the gatekeeper?
I am the keymaster
There’s something on your back
Also, I think it would be awesome to write a different message each day “5 days” “4 days” “3 days” “2 days” “1 day . . .” so it looks like the apocolypse is being spelled out in bananas, but you might want to do that one at home because I have a feeling it would cause a terrorist alert if you did it in the grocery store.
Since my bananas are only seen and eaten by me, unless I develop intermittent amnesia, writing messages on the ones at home is a waste of time. The grocery store, however …
Emergency dildo ONLY!
e. coli test sample
HOLD for Dept. of Agriculture
Did you hear that?
Save yourself!
ORGANIC. No, really…
As Rod Ryan likes to say, which I can appreciate…
Bring the banana to your mouth, not your mouth to the banana.
(Otherwise it’s banana porn. Need I say more?)
“Seedless”
“Monkey Wrench”
“Here’s Johnny!”
“Runt of the bunch”
“Yellow 5”
“Copernicus says you’re next”
“Knock knock…”
Can’t lie… I’m immediately going to purchase bananas and leave them in file cabinets around the office with things like, “YOU’LL REGRET IT” and “HE’S WATCHING”.
And how is it that no one has brought up covering it with peanut butter?
Ohmygawd, I’m dying laughing. I can’t wait to leave a bunch of noted bananers at the boyfriend’s house next time I go up!
I see mass chaos ensuing at a grocery store near you! Or me…or all over the U.S. (& possibly other countries). This could be big. News worthy. Sheer Brilliance, Jenny!
I am totally stealing your hilarious idea. Go Bananas! Go, go bananas!
OMG, I am overwhelmed at your cunning, and am currently writing on bananas. Peer pressure, much? Thanks for the morning LMAO…
I am not clever enough to come up with something but that is too funny!!
“This banana is latex-intolerant.”
“Not for anal insertion”
“Batteries not included”
“45% genuine fruit”
“wash with similar colours”
“FLAMMABLE”
“rama”
“nanna fo fana”
“Ring! Ring!”
“This banana intentionally left blank.”
Spam is made from bananas
World Peace!
You have red on you.
I look sexy.
Want to see a joke? Turn me over. (Repeat on the other side)
Hold me to your ear and hear the ocean!
I went the obvious route: “Knock, knock motherfucker.”
My aunt used to write sweet notes on bananas but then she went to the dark side and started leaving instructions:
“Clean your Room”
“Take The Dog Out”
“I Love You” on reverse side “HOMEWORK”
I always felt bad for my cousins.
this shit is
Don’t forget the rice crispies.
You know you want to.
Over-ripe – take that guy! –>
I’m watching.
Totally gonna do this and mess with everyone!
I feel so awful. I just ate my banana, and didn’t even read it. What do you think it was trying to tell me?
How about the timeless and classic “Fuck You.” Maybe add an emoticon, too, like 😉
“Ignore what’s on the other banana”
Oh, the stories my bananas could tell…
You killed my family!
Start having it get mad with other fruit. “Don’t trust the apples…”, “The oranges are a lie!”, “Strawberries? Seriously?”
“It’s peanut butter jelly time!”
OMG, love this. I must go home and write some notes on the bananas right now!
I’m partial to ‘they know.’ It doesn’t get much more sinister than that.
Maybe a countdown to some imaginary event.
‘7 days.’
‘The grapes are planing an escape’
“FFS Just use your hand once in a while.”
Great way to freak your kids out! Ha!
Happy Simcoe Day!
is it possible to be incarcerated for banana defacing? I’d like to see a judge in *that* courtroom.
“You’re undressing me with your eyes again”
“It’s gettin hot in herrrr”
“Watch your step” – obviously for when you discard the peel on the ground…prat fall material.
• perhaps it could be used as a cross marketing effort?
“Buy Nilla Wafers and Vanilla Pudding”
“The grapes are looking at me.”
• maybe just really awesome movie quotes?
“But you ain’t got no legs Lt. Dan” ~ Forrest Gump
“What is your major malfunction numbnuts?” ~ Full Metal Jacket
“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.” ~ Planet of the Apes
I just love that Cara and I are both Doctor Who fans. I’m thinking of drawing a little police box on mine. Or Keep Calm and Carry On.
sketch a picture of Jesus’ face.
Size DOES matter!
“alien pod #4,293,928 B”
“help meeeeeee”
“put de lime in de coconut”
“Don’t eat me. I am saving myself for pudding!”
“soylent green is BANANAS”
(m/b time to cut off my supply of sci-fi)
The comments on this post are fucking fantastic, as is the post itself. All of my bananas are going to say “Moo.”
Also, I had to sing that Gwen Stefani song to myself in order to correctly spell “Bananas”.
P.S. This shit is bananas, yo.
@Mel Francis and @Nota SuperMom…..I fell out of my chair! Funny!
For banans at the store:
“Clean up on Aisle 4”
Or, I was thinking on the same bunch of bananas, write “Pick me! Pick me!” then on the others write things like “Dork” “Suck up” etc…
Size is EVERYTHING!
I see dead people
Eat Me
They’re watching
I swear it wasn’t me! It was the apple!
Biohazard
I’d do “We’re always watching” or “Turn around slowly” or “We saw what you did last summer” or “Bring Susan Wine”…
You know what they say about guys with big bananas…
Wow. My kids have been doing this for a long time. I didn’t realize that it was a “thing.” So, you’re telling me that my kids are “trendy?” I just thought they were a little dense. Especially since they were writing their own NAMES on the bananas and then claiming that “It wasn’t ME! I swear!” with wide, wide eyes which, you know, is kind of funny because they, too, have easy to recognize handwriting. Especially my daughter who writes some letters backwards, still.
Grocery store bananas should say something like “Oranges are healthier” or “Carnivores are wealthier.”
Emilio!!!
Just hanging.
Will Wheaton says hi.
Do you have the security clearance?
Feelin’ fruity.
Repels zombies!
“Fuck Apples.”
You are my hero. Why didn’t I think of something as awesome as this?
People are freaked out enough as it is by the whole 2012 idea. So just write “2012” in a Banana at the store and watch people freak more! (or “2012 is near”)
Anon beat me to it.
I would just write: “Soon.”
put me in your pocket
the bloggess was here
intactivist
I just toothpicked “put me inside you” on a bannana. Also, “we will rise again” and ” I WILL HAVE REVENGE”.
“Have you seen my mommy?”
“Where’s my family?”
“AHHHHHHHHHH!”
Am I the only one who sees a face grimly staring out of the stem end of the “they know” banana? Time to list that fruit on eBay.
You really don’t want to know where I’ve been”
“banana cream pie is murder”
“ro ma romama, want your bad romance”
“ba na na hey hey hey goodbye”
And of course, the previously mentioned, “knock knock, motherfucker” simply must be included.
You need to set up on a whole bunch..
“Parachute…”
“stuck to tree”
“Send help”
Peel at your own risk.
Slippery when wet.
Contains 10% Pot- Do not inhale
Suggestion for banana graffiti: Knock, knock, mofo.
I wish I could write on bananas in the store!
I’m poisoned
I hope you choke
I’m pregnant, don’t eat me!
Is it wrong that I know want to go buy bananas just to see if a stranger has written something on them?
I wish I wasn’t allergic to bananas! This is hilarious. I will so risk getting sick to write on someone’s banana. Hopefully next time we go camping in a big group someone brings a bunch of bananas. mwahahahahahhahahaha
“My wife left town with a banana / My baby’s slippin’ away…”
Greatest idea ever… you should totally do it.
I will be sketching the Virgin Mary. Thanks.
Things to scratch on a banana:
The Pottermore clue for tomorrow is…
This would be so fun to do. Except I’d take the bananas to another aisle to write on them because the deli counter is right there and it would just look strange.
Do I AMUSE you?
I do believe that you and I were separated at birth… as I would so do this and I can totally picture the metal chicken scenario playing out at my house (and the conversation at the store) being identical with me. I love you and I think we should have beautiful babies together — except Im a female so I will likely have to admire you from afar — (or from the produce aisle via bananas)!
Get 2 of them side by side and write “eat him first” and on the other one “no, eat him first”
That would get me laughing!
My husband asked me to bring home bananas tonight. Coincidence? Hmmm…what are they going to say to him tomorrow???
Oh, now whenever I go over to someone’s house I am going to write on their bananas. This will be great. I am going to start with my grandmother.
Love this!
“Orange”
“Monkey bait”
“Orgasmic [crossed out] Organic”
“Don’t look up”
“Gotta split”
“This side up” [with arrow pointing to stem]
“Eat more broccoli”
“WHYYYY???”
“King Kong wuz here”
No good thoughts to add on what to write. My wife and I write to each other in the bathroom mirror after a shower. Write in the fog with your finger and the words show up again the next time the mirror gets fogged. It’s how I proposed and how she accepted.
Have to consider writing some of these interesting suggestions, except she’ll know it’s me doing the writing. Hm.
1. Ring Ring
2. Undress me
3. This sh*t is…
4. Rosebud
Thanks for making me spit out my coffee this morning =) Really. I wanted to make a mess…
MWAH!
How about fortune cookie-style fortunes?
Walk the straight and narrow path for now.
What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
You need to talk to someone.
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
May you live in interesting times.
Oh, wait. That last one is a curse…..
I am sooo doing this!
I have never liked bananas. Now I know why. I will, however, continue to buy them for my family. Only THIS time, I’ll write horrifying things and see if they even notice. They probably won’t. That’s the worst part about trying terrify oblivious people. *sigh*
This is gold. I just bought a bunch today and I’m off to write on them now.
I think I’ll put PEEL HERE with an arrow pointing to the wrong end. Surely someone in my family is daft enough to fall for it.
I can no longer read your blog at works. My colleagues are getting suspicious. I will have to leave bananas strategically placed around my desk.
hilarious!
Put your mouth on me
Either we read the same sites or I’m becoming like you from too much exposure to your blog. 🙂 First you have the Cookie monster cupcakes I just made with my child and just this am I saw the banana trick and wrote “I’m dying here!” on one in the kitchen.
absolutely hilarious!
could you set up a google voice phone and have a voicemail with mission details and just carve the phone number on the banana?
Too funny, and so timely as a friend made banana cream pie last night and had my hubby and I over to share.
Since nobody else has suggested it yet, I would say to write “Nanerpus” and “I love pancakes” on bananas. Bonus points for drawing on the eyes and moustache as well. For those who don’t remember or have no clue what I’m talking about, Here’s Nanerpus!
You’re brilliant.
And I can’t wait until my son can read and I will leave him notes like, “Go back to bed and don’t wake mommy.”
Thanks for the inspiration!
I TOTALLY just pinned this. Thanks for keeping me in stitches!
Day-O
Me Say Daaay-O
Daylight Come
Me Wanna Go Home
My husband is insisting we go to the grocery store now to write “DOOOOOM” and “REPENT” all over the bananas. Five dollars says we get kicked out half-way through the first DOOOOM and end up with DOOO.
I think you should write messages like “please don’t eat me” or “I have a soul too” – really freak them out when they go to eat their bananas the next day.
Also? Yeah, i am going to do this too. LOL
I like “undress me.” 🙂
Absolutely brilliant.
If you write “These are not the bananas you’re looking for”, you’ll have to write the same thing on the whole bunch, so it would be like a Jedi banana chorus.
I work in a silent testing room and had to get up and walk out bc I was laughing so hard.
You could at least buy me dinner first!
10 inches (on about a 6 inch banana)
Poke me
It was the butler in the kitchen.
eeew, your hands smell-where have they been
Idea for a whole bunch
1. Knock Knock
2. Who’s there
3-? and so on.
Also, you should totally put up a link to your website.
Loved @M “put me inside you” but I would say “I want to be inside you”
Either way, I have a feeling that when I get the bananas home from the grocery, I’ll find that someone else has already written on all of them. Thank you, bloggess, for creating this fad that everyone wants to try and one that noone will get to try because the first person to the grocery store will have their way with every single banana on display!
I now know what I’m going to do when I get back to my flat-mates.
FDA REGECT
man was is stuffy in there
im real, check your nightstand for the other one.
I am dying over here!
OBEY
“I’m watching you…”
“Everyone knows.”
“Go to (insert address here) NOW”
“Save yourself.”
“It’s up to you now. You are the only one who can save us.”
“Meet me in the dairy section.”
“Is that a banana or are you happy to see me?”
“Don’t look now.”
“DON’T EAT ME!”
“Hey asshole, why not an orange for once?”
“I’m poisonous.”
This is not the banana you’re looking for.
I licked all of these.
I want to become pie.
Or maybe pi?
May the potassium be with you!
How about, “Don’t even think about it, you dumbass fetish freak?” Makes people rethink the phallic produce purchases.
Of course, I’d need to know what the word count capabilities of an average sized banana are so I can know whether or not I should mail fruit baskets with my manuscript etched into the bananas to lit agents around the world. It could be like seeing the Virgin Mary in the mold in your refrigerator, it’s a divinely inspired sign you should rep my book.
This is fucking brilliant. I’m heading to the grocery now…
Thank you, Dear Bloggess and subsequent posters for making this the most hysterical Monday ever! I’ll be off to the supermarket with toothpicks in hand. But first I will practice with the two unsuspecting ‘nanners’ in the kitchen!
Holy cow, these coments are funny!!!!!
I was going to say “This shit is…” But I see some people beat me to it.
Of course, now all I’m singing in my head is B A N A N A S!
I ain’t no hollaback guuuuurl.
I’d go to the grocery store and write… “you just won $1000.”
Compost Me.
Veins and a foreskin. My local market has some pretty greenish bananas now. If I adulterate them, it’ll be days before the image shows. I think I have to go to the store now…
You want to know what is even better? Actually writing on a banana. No joke. Get a Bic pen and go crazy. It’s the most wonderful surface. Like writing on a baby’s bottom. Not that I’ve ever had a chance to compare.
OMG- you are one funny lady!!!
Wanna split?
for left-in-store bananas:
Best Before (date 2 days ago)
Experiment #356-927
If found, please return to (store you are sabotaging)
I can’t breath!
Yes, we have no bananas today
you look tasty
be gentle! I bruise easily
Whirled Peas
I think I’ll head to the grocery store now. I’m thinking:
Whatever you do, don’t blink.
Exterminate!
Better than fava beans.
I see you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I know what you did.
I’m also thinking of adding websites. Free advertising, Jenny!
Please draw the Virgin Mary. Then your banana can be sold for millions on Ebay.
“Don’t eat me. I’m poisoned.”
“Also, don’t trust that guy to your left. He looks suspicious.”
“Fine, go ahead, eat me. You took my wife and children earlier this week–what do I have to live for?”
“Yes, bananas have feelings too, you monster.”
For a good time call 555-1212 (insert your worse enemies phone number here).
“You know what to do with me.”
😉
Oh, wait, I rethought that last one. It’d be better to say:
If found, return to (a competitor’s store) 🙂
Wow. My mother says you’re like an evil version of me, and I think she may be right. This only makes me want to be more evil, of course, out of sheer jealousy.
I’m working on it, even though it will probably piss off my ghost, who seems fairly non-evil.
Also I am adding “Write on Strangers’ Bananas” to the daily checkoff list on my iPad (recurring). I like to be organized about these things, although sadly I don’t come into contact with all that many strangers’ bananas. But it’s good to be optimistic – Law of Attraction and all that happy crappy. 🙂
Smell this, its your mom…
“You have a purty mouth”
“Talk fruity to me”
“Please insert orally.”
I picked you.
Hilliarous! Love it.
1) Don’t turn around
2) The crow sleeps at midnight
3) On an entire bunch of bananas, like a big bunch of them, write “All of these were in a vagina but one. Guess which”
4) Don’t look in your mirror
Wow, I’m having such an uncreative morning. How depressing with a post like this that just begs for hilarity.
Too funny…I’m totally doing this to my brother….he’s a total “snowboarder dude” and it will REALLY trip him up.
“The produce manager followed you home last night.”
Tu tienes novio, no?
Han shot first.
Free toy inside!
I taste better covered in chocolate.
Awesome. I think this would be a great place for company sponsorship. They could write “Michellin” or “Tide” on the sides of bananas! Then they could put wheels on them and make them race around a track for hours. Endless fun for rednecks.
If that doesn’t give you nightmares…nothing ever will.
The hub-let and I were trying to figure a way to build the nannerpuss costume for Halloween…I’d be the ‘cakes, he’d be the puss. It’s only fitting.
Still working on it.
All your banana are belong to us.
And “these are not the bananas you’re looking for” = genius.
We don’t even eat bananas but I am pretty sure I must go buy some now. I am picturing talking bananas showing up all over the world in stores and law suits springing up with police trying to find out who is responsible for all the banana tampering.
I swear I will not mention your name.
You guys are so hilarious!! But I think you could take it one step further and add “worms”. Poke a spaghetti noodle through one end of the banana and let it sit overnight. When somebody bites into it, they’ll think it’s a worm. Haha. It would be even funnier if you put “one of us has worms” on the outside of one in a whole bunch.
How about,
“Tsk, tsk you potassium WHORE!”
“We need to buy more Post-Its”
Or 867-5309, @UnderwaterAttackCat
REPENT
2nd banana:
not kidding; REPENT
Don’t look now
He’s behind you
We’re out there
You’ve got mail
Will explode in 3,2…..
Never surrender
I’m watching you
How about:
The enemy is real.
I look better naked.
Turn around. (then on the flip side, Made you look.)
Get thee to a nunary.
Bite me.
Tastes like monkeys.
Suck it.
Most of the good ones are alreay spoken for!
International banana of mystery
I know you are, but what am I?
If found, return to Grape Ape.
To rent this space please call xxx-xxx-xxxx
Vote for Pedro!
I am number 4
Reserved
LGBT only
I was at Woodstock
More cowbell
Unripe, try tomorrow
oh jeez…
Straight
I have the negatives
You and what army?
Buy one – Get 4 free
TOTALLY. DOING. THIS.
Messages:
Eat Apples.
Tell My Monkey I Love Him.
Ouch.
You definitely need one that says “Scratch N Sniff”, then hide around the corner to see who is actually dumb enough to do it. Tee hee….
“A Tally Man once tried to tally me so I ate his liver with some fava beans and nice Chianti…”
You could spread the message out over a bunch. Banannabal Lecter. Just sayin’.
RUB ME
Hey! You dropped your pocket.
Eat Mor Aples (al la Chick-Fil-A)
Caution, not to be used as a flotation device
Caution, cape does not enable wearer to fly
Caution, not to be eaten under water
RUN! The call is coming from inside your house!
You are the chosen one.
Take me to your leaders.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Life is better on other planets
Oh! OH! OH!!!! This is the best thing I’ve heard since EVER! My job buys produce for the staff and bananas are a big hit (we’ve got a lot of orally fixated girls up in here; Freud would have a field day!). I should totally mess with my co-workers. Screw SHOULD, I totally AM going to mess with my co-workers!
Awesome!
I have more:
WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT…WHOA..WHOA
NOT A BANANA
DO NOT INGEST
TALLY ME
I THINK WE NEED A BIGGER BANANA
Do not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law
“Blog this”
“Warranty Void If Seal Broken”
I love it! My team just went to camp and they do a “go bananas” cheer! I will post the link…
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=229141790462995&comments
HELP! I’M BEING HELD HOSTAGE INSIDE A FORTUNE COOKIE COMPANY!
Can’t WAIT for my boyfriend’s daughter to go back home so I can write naughty stuff on his bananas!
“The fat man walks alone.”
Try this one… “I’m a phone. Hold me to your ear.”
I know who you are…
I saw what you did…
Eat me…
No, really, we’re here…
Call your mother…
Pass this on…
Peel — then eat…
Wrong end…
No stabbing…
Stab freely…
Tastes like chicken…
Ripe…
This is great. The guys I used to work with (at a garage) liked propping a banana between two apples. It was funny until a customer would show up.
How about:
*The best 7 inches of your life.
*Firm and Tasty
*Raw and Uncut
*You’ve got a pretty mouth.
*Test Version
*Test Code 69874
I saw this on pinterest…So have to write something that shows up in my daughter’s lunch box…Like. “Just cuz all your FRIENDS eat bananas…” or ” Aren’t you glad I didnt pack an orange”
Obviously love letters from Copernicus. Run faster.
Oh. My. God. I love you…and your bananas! Where do you come up with this shit?
Hi! I stumbled onto your blog from I don’t know where-but you are now locked in tight with a link on my blogs “Good Reads” I would write more but, hell, my blog is so full of why-are-we-here existential…crap that I’d just rather read yours!
You rock!
LC Guy
http://leftcoastguy.com
Good bye cruel world
Don’t eat me. It Hurts
I’m with stupid—>
Penile Euphemism
Kosher…ish
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Help Me (in wretched, disjointed handwriting)
Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Where is YOUR tin foil hat?
Can’t stop the signal
winning
twitter ruined my life
add me on face book
I saw what you did there!
If you like Pina Coladas….
867-5309
Banana phone
Gotcha!
Feed me
Please don’t feed the Gorillas
Any movie quote about insanity, conspiracy or sex would work, actually. Or Harry Potter
Damn. My imaginary roommate can be so glad he/she does not exist right now. I would banana-torture the living shit out of them. If I had any bananas. Or roommates.
Hm. There are serious flaws in my plan right now.
This is CLASSIC. Here are a few more things to write on bananas:
Put me down!
Perv
You have good hands
Need more cowbell
Boo!
I <3 Bananarama
I see you
Are you high?
Or, you could put public service announcements!
Brush your teeth
Eat your veggies (not me)
brush your hair
I had a slew of things to write, was nearly on my way to the store! Then I remembered things aren’t the same as not too many years ago… I’d most likely end up in jail for some infraction against homeland security for even looking at a banana crosseyed, let alone writing anything. The banana has found safe haven thanks to terrorism.
Sea Monkeys
I like liver
The Monkey knows
Psssst. You’re leaking.
Eat more grapes!
You won’t shit for a week!
Some ass hole wrote on me with a toothpick!
Don’t look under your bed.
I’ve got to try this the next time I’m at the grocery store.
Tonight… you…
Not in the ass!
#1 fruit for teaching girls to deep throat.
I’m Organic and you’re worth it!
The Organic Bananas Lie…
When my nerd friends and I were in high school, we used to write random, anonymous notes with pen on bananas and leave them places – peoples’ doorsteps, on top of cars (strangers’ cars…each others’ cars…whatever). Sometimes, we’d skip the notes altogether, and just leave bananas. Yep. We were totes awesome. It’s funny how the random, unexpected banana (containing a message, or not) can be ridiculously, gigglingly menacing…
Go to Wal-Mart and write Surprise, you’re on peopleofwalmart.com/
If Jesus rose on the third day…
Wouldn’t that make him Zombie Jesus?
Why is my savior trying to eat my brain?
What happens in Vegas…
…ends up on random bananas.
Call (XXX)XXX-XXXX for a good time. I would totally put my psycho supervisor number on as many as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……::deep breath:: BUWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAHA! I love it! And I even have to hit up the grocery store this evening….. hmmm……
“Knock knock MOFO”
How about….
Parkay!
3at MoR3 Candy
Dole 4 Prez
Scratch HERE X
BITE ME
(soooooooooooooooooo very obvious)
You FUCKING CRACK ME UP!!!!! You are consistently and surprisingly funny! You rock!
I think you should buy a whole CASE of bananas and write on them “at least they aren’t towels either!”. Muahahahahahahaha!
You really just make each day brighter… Not to mention, those who leave comments also leave me laughing so hard it hurts.
Check your zipper.
Wash your hands.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Beware the Ides of March.
New and Improved.
Wait for the signal.
Elvis was MY biggest fan!
Things to write on bananas. As in…..I have to do this now.
I want it back
Don’t touch me
Scream now
I live
Why?
You lie
Not here ..there
Poison
“Ouch”
“I’m a-peel-ing”
You make me laugh so hard. Don’t ever change.
Literally had a conversation today that ended with “at least I’m doing it on bananas and not buying a MOFO chicken!”. You are right. Beyonce is a great teaching tool!
congrats. you have single-handedly created an international army of banana-vandals. you’ll be more notorious than Banksy.
also, you should take advantage of free advertising by having all your readers write “thebloggess.com” on all the bananas in the store. think of all the new page hits!
btw, if i ever start a band, “the banana-vandals” would be a strong contender for a name.
The zombies are behind you
It’s not my fault
Eat this & grow a tail
Monkey mash
Ask again later (and all the other magic 8 ball options)
Ring ring ring
Mr. Yuck
867-5309
How about, “that’s right baby, peel it off real slow…”
I buy the rice Krispies that you write notes on them and put things like
“did you mow the lawn”
“Take out the Trash, NOW”
It helps keep The Boy focused on his chores.
In honor of this post, a story that bears repeating, I just told the Rev. on 13 one of my deepest darkest secrets: once a psychic said I would be a cult leader, and I had the nerve to ask if its ok that we worship bananas. And now you, Ms. Bloggess (a cult leader in her own right) have provided the method for delivering my message. Banana Graffiti. I am off to all the local groceries to write spiritual messages for all brave enough to shed their the peel of sin.
Your contribution will be noted at the Palmy Gates and I will be sure not to forget you when the last supper comes: Banana Cream Pie and kool aid for all!!!!
how about something simple, like “take me to your leader.”
…you could always write…. “The rash will go away….eventually”
You always provide so many practical tips about living. I’m so glad I now have a way to freak out friends and strangers.
3 bananas.
3 messages.
I <3 you
I need a good lay
good and hard
“Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.”
“Beware the Ninja Banana”
“110 Calories. 3g Fiber. 450mg Potassium”
“thebloggess.com”
They’re Watching You
You are going to DIE
I have a message from the future
If you can read this, don’t look so obvious!
Um, considering the prior post to this is called “I will kill all of you” (or something. I meant to remember but then switched to this page to write it and this is what you get. If that’s not it – dude, YOU wrote it. I don’ t know why *I* have to tell you what is says. Are you half high again?), I feel like you can probably come up with plenty of things and/or just use all old blog titles (well, only those that will fit on a banana – some are long).
PS – Dude, it tells me your last post title below – I will kill everybody. You do care about the little people (and by that I mean drunks and alz heimers patients)!
PPS – I first mistyped it as “I will call of you.” That would also be weird on a banana, but not that threatenting.
Well crap. All the good names have been taking. I’m currently plotting how to sneak into the school cafeteria and write on all the lunch bananas or perhaps convince the lunch ladies that it is worth their time. I would love to have my students pick up bananas with smart-ass sayings. Nothing too offensive of course….
“You’ve made a huge mistake.”
Push a needle in and waggle it and you can slice a banana without peeling it and with no visible sign of tampering. Now you can write ‘Pre-Sliced’ or ‘I’m all cut up’ on the outside.
The best time to write has to be just before your loved one packs their lunch box. It will freak them out when they know they packed a perfect banana and when they open the box it has writing on it >:-)
This is PRICELESS! I can’t wait to go fuck with my kids…I mean, write them love notes. Ahem. I’m thinking something like “eat more apples” or “maybe next time I’ll peel YOUR skin BWAHAHAHAHAH!” I’m still working on the ominous messages.
OK so I’m too lazy to scroll through 273 messages to see if someone suggested this, but I think it would be cool to take a pic of the leprosy monkey holding a secret message banana. That would be ultimately creepy.
Not sure if someone already thought of this but if not. I am SO going to start a business making banana stencils.
“Don’t let the monkey with snout leprosy eat me please.”
“Ch-ch-ch ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh”
“Is that one of my relatives in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Don’t you want me baby, don’t you want me oooooooohhhhhh”
“Does anyone remember Bananas in Pajamas? Why can’t I have pajamas?”
You are a genius.
“This banana is not a toy”
“Mind your own business”
“Don’t ask.”
“You will ive a long and prosperous life.”
“Copyright, 2011.”
You should write “This shit is…” like the Gwen Stefani song.
Hide me
I’m famous
Infectious
STD-free. Promise
42
Just who the hell are you?!
Who dressed you this morning?
Stop. Drop. Roll.
Ride me
Whoop whoop
Take me to your leader
You’re lucky I don’t have teeth
I have several more but I need to get some damn work done today. And I have to carve shit in hubby’s bananas. Bwahahaha!
That’s awesome. I was sort of expecting you to write something along the lines of “Copernicus was here”.
Banana Phone! 🙂
“Don’t take that one – I’m more a-peeling!”
I predict a rush on bananas across North America this week.
Totally meant to direct my previous comment to @Renee (comment 29)…. oops.
Definitely “Will you marry me??” Do it on enough bananas and you’re bound to fuck up some guy’s day when his girlfriend sees it.
“you wanker!”
“eeeeeek!!!!”
“deepthroat”
Vote *insert favorite candidates name*
Insanely stupid quotes from political candidates (you know who!)
Also thought sketch of Jesus. Can do Virgin Mary, too.
Your favorite/famous movie quotes. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I coulda been a contender! etc.
http://www.filmsite.org/greatquotes.html
rotten inside
u r not nuts
u r bananas
Lay Off the Pipe
Crack Kills
Wait for it…
Republic
Hammock
Chosen One
Rapture
Shhhh
You’re IT!
Rogue
A-Wall
We’re on a mission from God
Didn’t you know? We choose you.
“please- i have children.”
WHOA-HOA! Can’t wait for tomorrow morning!!! Just wrote all over the bananas for my kids to find. (“Did you make your bed?”, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”) The voice of God (well mine) will forever be in their heads now. I should probably program a therapists number in my phone now though.
I was thinking bananas may become the healthy alternatives of candy hearts.
Which would lead to bananas with
HUG ME
ALL MINE
BE MINE
KISS ME
So much freakier with bananas somehow than with candy hearts. I wonder why that is… I’m thinking it’s the psycho banana trail you’ve put us on!
My mind is going a mile a minute… hope I can remember the ones that flew through…
Not here the feds are watching
Bad touch! Bad touch!
Your hands are so smooth
What’s your sign?
Do you come here often?
I’m tellin’ MOM
The monkeys are after me.
Got any whipped cream?
You can’t handle the fruit!
As you wiiiiiiiiiiiisssssshhhhhhhh
I’m the key to the JFK conspiracy
I was King Kong in my former life
Shoes are my weakness
Be all that you can Banana
Your FIRED
Witness Protection Program
I totally have a manager’s retreat coming up in October I wonder if they can put bananas on the breakfast buffet for me… I would have so much fun with all of the hung over managers…. hehehehe I feel some evil coming on…
I love knowing that there are 261 other people who are going to be carrying toothpicks to the grocery store and/or spending extra time in the produce section looking for banana notes!
PS – @BananaNotes is available
The Bloggess wuz here…
I’m watching you
Taste the Rainbow
……this works on nectarines……I tried…… 🙂
Hey! Hey apple!
Would it be wrong to write, “I want a divorce” on the bananas at the store? I mean it might open up the lines of communication in some homes, or lead to homicides… well, either way somebody’s losing a house.
Meat flavor
Contains spiders
1% banana
12% filler
Bread
“Dance For Me”
“You Are Here”
“I Forgive You”
“It Has Begun”
“Go Ahead: Measure” (under this you would need to mark off inch-long segments, like a ruler — you know someone would use it)
I may have to actually go grocery shopping for this.
‘i can see you’
‘say goodbye’
‘peel *this*’
‘meet me at 3’
‘dont move’
… mind you, with how expensive bananas are here, they’re probably under video surveillance.
Love it!! How about….
” FAILED” or
” Can you read this?” – Just to mess with unsuspecting shopper!!
Thx Jenny
OH MY HELL!!! I wish I’d known this when I was at the grocery (which I NEVER go there….unless it’s for wine) for bananas when I had to make that banana pudding. But, on the upside, since we’ve got some leftover bananas here…..I may just have to freak hubby out a bit. It will put some “pep” into our Tuesday.
This is epic!
I don’t personally like bananas, but I DO like playing dirty tricks on people.
Here’s some thoughts…
“Open Here” (with an arrow pointing to the tip)
“Let me out of here”
“I’m tainted. Pick my friend to the left.”
“I know what you did.”
“The apples are against us”
“Peel Me”
“SMOOTHIE!”
“Don’t abuse me”
“I want to be in you”
“Your wife is trying to kill you”
“Potassium it is in me”
“Your cover has been blown.”
“Abort mission.”
“Deliver the Package at Noon, Or Else the Monkey Gets It!”
SIDE ONE: “Orange you glad…”
SIDE TWO: “BANANA. HAH! Fuck you.”
“You killed the wrong person.”
“I see dead people” would be a creepy awesome one to use. LOL
I’m waiting for news headline to feature a religious nut screaming about impending Judgment Day because he/she found Jesus on a banana.
Of course, they wouldn’t know it was toothpicked on, yaknowwhatimean??
Potassium-free
I like the idea of adding a helpful hint: “If you have leg cramps, you should eat me.” Or going altogether lowbrow: “Buy me and turn me into poo.”
This. Is. Fantastic.
I am now inspired to write semi-threatening messages in the bananas of my co-worker.
Could you just imagine?
Oh I’m giddy with excitement at the possibilities!
I’d write “knock knock motherfucker” and then leave it outside the bathroom door so my husband sees it when he wakes up in the morning.
I’m pretty sure their is something wrong with you – Can’t Wait to try this on my husband in the morning!!!
THANK YOU!!
Oh Jen – thank you. My hubby just brought home bananas today.
He should fear me….
Don’t take the blame for what Copurnicus did… We all know it was the monkey.
How about, “Where’s my hammock?”
On two bananas in a bunch:
Be afraid
Be very afraid
Or how about just plain “split!”
This isn’t your banana
You’re appeeling!
Holy cow! I want to go buy bananas right now to freak out the hubs. You’re a genius, but you know that. 🙂
“Squeal like a pig”
Personally I think finding “How’s it goin, suger tits” on a banana would be splendid and brighten my whole day!
Lesson learned:
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.
I went with “HELP!”
Lesson learned:
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.
I went with “HELP!”
I’d probably sketch a picture of Jesus then sell tickets to the pilgrims who would come.
“You primates are all alike”
“I’d rather be hang gliding”
“There is no Santa Claus”
Demon babies, unite!
Help! I’m a prisoner in a banana factory!
(that’s from my nonagenarian father)
‘I’m normally a lot bigger’
‘WHAT? It’s cold in here.’
‘At least I bring my own protection.’
I’m just going to write things on the bananas in the grocery store and not buy them, because they’re like $12 a kilo or something here still. Poo.
Ooooh…I hope this hasn’t already been suggested!
“It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!”
Okay the baby woke up because I was laughing so hard at this. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Wow, I laughed for like 5 minutes. Now I’m going to write all over the bananas I bought yesterday.
Turn around slowly.
Check the window.
Hide.
I also agree with Anon up there who suggested that you sketch Jesus’ face in one. Hell, that’d be on the NEWS. And we’d all know it was you.
“I hang to the left.”
“I take an extra large Trojan.”
“Please don’t put me in the dark place!!!”
“better in bread”
For the decent artists out there… drawing a Jesus face….
I have GOT to go to Wal-Mart and do this.
What about something simple like “Go have some cake instead”?
How about:
“For a good time, peel me”
Still cackling, toothpicks & list of fav messages in hand, mini-van keys in the other…handsome husband totally baffled as I race out the door, but if I hurry, I can get to our local market before they close @ 10pm.
Tomorrow, enormous coffee in hand, loitering in the produce section — can’t think of a more amusing way to spend my morning?
Knock Knock Motherfucker
Sorry….that’s all I’ve got today.
I would write:
“I’m a plantain. I was framed!”
“The cheese stands alone.”
“I want my two dollars!”
not only did i laugh so hard i nearly wet my pants, i also read it to my hubby who thought i had lost my mind. wait til tomorrow when he’s forgotten all about it and he sees what i wrote on the bananas….
My husband used to manny for some friends of ours that were on-call nurses. Lots of late nights. Any way, they had this really old cat that was always puking up something. One night Chris got home and realized he had cat vomit on his shoe. He had stepped in it somewhere in their house. He called our friends and whispered “there’s cat vomit in your house” and then hung up. That is the warning I’d scratch into some unsuspecting shopper’ bananas.
ROCK ON! Thanks! I’m using this as a parenting aid to scare the shit out of my children. Ghost or God?
CLEAN YOUR ROOM
OBEY
EAT YOUR DINNER
A binary banana could be entertaining, too. http://www.convertbinary.com/
I saw one with cutesy writings from pinterest, but yours is sooooo much funnier.
Keep this from your husband. He’s insecure enough
* Really size doesn’t matter.
* Buy giant metal chickens.
* (Written really small) Nutrition Information for a Banana
* Don’t forget!
oh if only I could get close enough to a banana.. But at $14kg well just looking at them costs a fortune. I am banana deprived! So in my case writing “You can’t afford me” or “Try an orange, she’s cheap” sort of fits..
Hey, nice pants.
You want me to peel your skin and eat your insides?
Too scary?
If you really want to freak someone out with bananas, use a needle to poke holes along it, wiggling the needle back and forth each time you poke a hole. Do this along the entire length of the banana, and you’ve basically managed to “slice” the banana without opening it. Then when someone opens it, it’s already sliced, and they freak out. I usually just tell people “Oh, it’s the newest thing in fruit, didn’t you know? Already sliced banana. Genetically altered.”
There is bound to be a news article by tomorrow afternoon talking about how relationships have failed, families were destroyed, and people were flocking to the nearest psychiatric “care facilities”.
How about ….
“noooooooooooooo”
or
“eat more applez”
🙂
I am bringing a toothpick with me next time I go to the store.
Things I would write on bananas for strangers:
1. Do you really want to eat me?
2. Do you really want to make me cry?
Is it sad that the first thing I thought of was to quietly inscribe a URL onto a banana bunch in the supermarket. Carve TheBloggess.com (or another URL) on the sly as you “examine” a few banana bunches, then buy one bunch (it’s only fair) and see if anyone comes to your site via banana marketing.
How about “One of us is going to kill you.”
Or!
<–That one is going to kill you.
No, I'm not, he is!
Or!
He's right behind you!
The caller is INSIDE THE HOUSE!
(This is waaaaay too much fun.)
So hilarious!
Banana purchases are going to skyrocket. 🙂
“Ceci n’est pas une banane”
This is why I read you before bed. At the end of a really shitty day, I can plot against my family with a totally legal and biodegradable weapon. On my sister’s banana *switched at birth*.
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! . . . how about a little simple
outline of a figure that looks like the virgin Mary? I can not wait
to do this!!!
“you’re being watched”
OMG! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my daughter to try more fruit and things good for her. I wrote on our bananas “I hope Izzy tries me”, “Try me!”, “I’m tasty”, “I taste even better!”…… Fingers crossed 🙂
THE EAGLE FLIES AT DAWN
Watch out for trolls
The zombies are coming
He’s cheating
Eat my shorts
Land Shark!
Bananas have been talking to me for years. Only in actual voices. It never occurred to me that this might be unusual until today. Thanks a lot.
LOL!! I use that a lot but not usually so literally. FUNNY
Free.
“Who you calling a banana?!”
This reminds me of a “magic trick” I did as a kid: use a needle to go through the banana and make slices carefully without leaving any marks other than the needle holes. (I hope this makes sense). Sure to delight a kid! (Or Victor)
To #361 Teresa: I know have an earworm going on. Thanks a lot!
write: Yes, we have no bananas! ( But they clearly do! )
BRILLIANT!
“Radioactive”. Because bananas are indeed radioactive.
For External Use Only
Apple the other white meat.
Mine’s bigger.
Brush your teeth first!
Nice pear.
I’d be smellin’ the melon.
Why do I always have to get undressed fist?
Ring ring… banana phone.
Please. Peel me slowly.
For Practice Only
Not Intended for Human Consumption
This End Up (no arrow)
Orange You Glad?
Split!
Ummm… I was promised a hammock?
My husband says that you should write on the bananas very descriptive diagram on how to insert them
“I’ve been licked”
Pssst….over here
How about, “I want to be inside you.”
That is awesome!
I can’t think of anything good 🙂 But some of the other commenters are killing me!
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.
THAT ISN’T COFFEE.
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.
AT NIGHT, THE SPIDERS COME.
0100010001000101010000010101010001001000.
Yay for the comments! Pretty much every idea I had has been said already (even Soylent Green reference). Have we had “Not a banana” yet?
i would pay good money to spend a little time in your brain…. it works in mysterious ways
Hahahhahaa I am totally trying that…when I can afford bananas again… $12 a kilo? Ick.
No-one wants sweet love notes on bananas. Where’s the fun in that? I think I’ll spend the $12 just to see my husband’s face when he opens his lunchbox at work…wait, maybe I will write embarrassing love notes. His macho workmates’ reactions would surely be priceless.
I have never laughed to hard in my life! So funny. My husband couldn’t even understand what I was saying as I tried to read it out to him. I love Bananas, in fact I bought a whole bunch from the supermarket today, but thanks to YOU I will never look at them the same way again. Now, where are those toothpicks…
“Be alert not alarmed” – Australia’s anti-terror slogan. I don’t think we’re very good at those but it might work better on a banana. They do say that the medium is the message.
And while we’re on the subject of naughty-fun -times in the supermarket I was there today (unfortunately before I saw Jenny’s post or things might have gone very differently) and I had to ask the deli lady for a handful of shaved hot Hungarian salami. I apologized for the unintended dirtiness of the request but she just looked at me strangely.
#350 Cindy ” There’s cat vomit at your house.” You cracked me up!
“Eat me, pal .. and I’m send my ‘family’ after you, Capiche?”
Justice will be served…
I’m A Banana!
‘Trapped in storeroom. Call police’
‘Beware the grapes’
‘Banana intentionally blank’
‘I’ve been in a bum’
‘Sponsered by Pepsi’
You are crazy and funny. Oh, and awesome. victor is very lucky.
How about these:
Size matters.
Peel & Win
The Cake Is A Lie
This idea is full of awesomeness!! *goes to look up “Immigration officials are watching” in the Spanish dictionary** Winn Dixie is going to be a lot less crowded on Saturdays….
Showed this to my 16-year-old son last night. He cried, partly from the hilarity that is writing on bananas and partly because he has dysgraphia and CAN’T WRITE! Bet he could talk his sister into helping. Of course, my bipolar nephew is feeling paranoid lately. Messages on bananas would probably hospitalize him.
How about:
I want to be inside your muffins?
“Put me in a smoothie and the dog gets it.”
“I want to do your Cheerios.”
“The call is coming from inside the banana.”
It would be cool if you could do this on other fruit, and draw faces on them. Not cute ones, but ones of pain or fear. That way hopefully, the people don’t actually see the faces until they have already bitten into them….If someone does that please send pictures….I’ll do it and send pictures….hehehehehe I’m so excited!
Muhahahahhaha!!!! i am so going to write on every banana i see!! i would totally be creeped out to see that on a banana i just bought!
Thanks, Jenny. Was feeling a little low this morning and this post TOTALLY perked me up. You always come up with THE BEST shit to do. Thanks!
My 11yo daughter just said to me “wanna go hit Kroger later this afternoon?” rofl
I know that from time to time (all the time) airport restaurants will sell $1-2 bananas. This would be a GREAT place to write a few scary messages.
“Don’t get on the plane.”
“Ever see Final Destination?”
“I skipped the security line.”
How about….
“She said orgasm, you idiot, NOT organic!”
What I think would be hilarious is if I go into my grocery and see some bananas with writing on them. Then I’ll know I have someone else in my small town that reads you!!!!!
too bad “Congrats, this banana came with a free ghost” is too long to fit on a banana.
“4 8 15 16 23 42”
Can you write “don’t be a dick” on a banana?
“Stop playing with yourself, Kent!”
Fear me. or Nice panties.
Oh, I am so going to mess with my husband….
Oh my goodness that is too funny! I am going to have to write messagtes on my bananas and see how the boys react. Thanks for the great idea. If you get a chance please come by my blog and take a peek at me and my boys: http://MomMart.blogspot.com. And thanks again for the great idea. I think I will be writing “I bite back” on mine!
This is even funnier when you are allergic to bananas.
This may be the only time in my life where I wish I lived with other people. I want to do this, but I am the kind of person who can’t write on bananas that I don’t own.
“add to blender with ice and 1.5 oz rum….”
Dear Bloggess,
Could you please make your blog look like a really complex excel spread sheet, with equations and possibly some flowcharts. I’d really appreciate not having to start every meeting at work with my boss saying “Hey Lorraine, you reading that bloggess crap at work again?!?” Thanks, Lorraine
“I’m Alive”
“What are you looking at”?
“Bananas are evil”
“You know you want me”
I am Keyser Söze.
I like the passive-agressive nature of this medium… for those dolts who steal stuff out of your lunch, these messages could be effective
“hands off you lunch stealing fucker” might be a bit wordy, but effective
“Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring”
“HELP!” (that’s for an appealing banana)
“More aloe please” (that’s for a peeling banana)
My kids don’t normally eat bananas, but maybe they won’t be able to resist them now! Must. Have.
WOLVERINES!
Abort Vladimir, we’ve been discovered…
If you peel that back, I swear to God…
Peanut-butter Jelly Time
this is probably the most brilliant idea since sliced bread… and thanks for making me almost spit coffee all over my keyboard… yes, it’s a good thing.
This is pure awesome. I wish I had somebody to do this to, sadly I’m the only one who likes bananas and I never let them ripen enough for the message to even show, I bet.
TIP:
This trick works even better if you do it directly on Victor’s forearm.*
*heavy sedative required
“The end is nea-“
One I will do at my Jewish mother in law’s house:
Jesus loves you
Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya
Hello. Long time reader, first time commenter. Huge fan.
Banana-wise, I’d go with “I read your emails. See you in court.”
Also, I was wondering if I could cheekily ask your very funny commenters to sponsor me. I think only British commenters can do so but I’m not sure. I’m doing a Midnight Walk for a children’s hospice which is very close to my heart. Please donate your KitKat money for the day 🙂
http://www.justgiving.com/Camilla-Whitehill
Thanks everyone. Back to reading Bloggess archives now!
Camilla
“She’d still be alive if it weren’t for you”
YOU JUST WANT TO SEE ME NAKED.
I can’t think of anything to write on a banana though.
I love this idea. I want to do it at my daughter’s daycare.
Banana ideas:
“She’s lying.”
“You know you want to.”
“You’re just like your father …”
“Run.”
“Ten minutes.”
“01000100 01101001 01100101”
“Chicken.”
“Sure got a pretty mouth”
I can’t wait to do this!
“I know where you live.”
“Go to the corner pay phone to await further instructions.”
“Your position has been compromised.”
“I know what you did last summer.”
?”Is the fear upon you?”
“The incubus smells your whisperings!”
“YOUR BLOOD IS FULL OF LIES!”
?”SOON I WILL BE INSIDE YOU!”
?”START HOARDING MOTH WINGS.”
“THE HARVEST IS INEVITABLE.”
Hey Jenny, I just found your blog thanks to a friend of mine who posted a couple of your posts on Facebook. Your page is amazing! I haven’t laughed this much – or this hard – in a long time! Thanks for sharing your unique and awesome perspective with the world. 🙂
Peace,
Brian
I think you should write messages on the bananas at the store 🙂
Draw a phone pad on one Ring Ring on another and “Badger Badger” on a third.
Do exactly as I say.
Have you seen my spider?
Hi, I’m Steve.
I need more time to read all the awesome comments and fantastic blogs!
You are hilarious! First time to read you, thanks for the laugh.
“Pre-cut Bananas”
(If you take a needle, poke small holes all the way around, when they peel the banana it will be pre-sliced. )
That shit is funny as hell. I think I may try this tonite and see if I can get a reaction out of my wife. =D
We had some floods through our banana plantations here in Australia so banana’s have gone up from $4 a kilo to about $16
So I’d either get arrested for writing on bananas – but if I could I’d write ‘at $16 a kilo we’d better takes things slowly – it could be a while before you can afford another!
Love your blog – just found you and I howl with laughter – you have a wicked sense of humour.
Why stop at words? Draw a subtle Jesus on the banana and then slide into the banana stand at your local wal-mart? Some hick religious nut will make the news and have a life altering experience at wal-mart all because of you. In fact. I’m doing that….tonight.
Holy Crap! I can hardly wait to terrorize my 13 year old with this trick.
I am so writing freak out notes on our banana’s for my husband!! How awesome is that? I think I will, though, write nice ones for my kids. But my husband…he get’s the scary ones!
How would you like it if I peeled you?
Loved your idea and the many comments from people that obviously have great humor & creativity!
LOL There are some true lovable nerds in this group!
My favorite ones so far:
“0100010001000101010000010101010001001000” = Death
“Stop playing with yourself, Kent!”
“01000100 01101001 01100101” = Die
“Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya”
“The Cake Is A Lie!”
Love it!!! You guys rock!!!
Here’s 2 more. To be done on the same banana:
Side one: “SPOOOOOOOON!”
Side two: “There is no spoon.”
“What are you waiting for…..soon I’ll be all squishy!”
My cousin just ran out of the her parents bedroom crying about there being a monster under the bed. She’s old enouh to know better. She was just doing it for attention. Especially since it was at 5 in the afternoon. I took a banana and wrote ‘I was under the bed’ on it and left it on the counter. >:)
I would take bunch of three and write:
“the Smart one.”
“the Pretty one.”
“Dammit.”
Haha! I know I’m bringing up the rear here on comments, but I could totally see the following phrases mysteriously appearing on a banana near you.
I apologize in advance if by some chance someone else also suggests these. I in no way claim to be the most original, blah, blah, blah…
“mello yello”
“I said what?”
“No, please, save him. Take me!”
“Hello my name is Pat”
“Have you *seen* the people in this place?”
“Hello God, it’s me Margaret” (is it still copyright violation if you use it on a banana?)
“Put me in your pocket horn dog”
Ok, that’s all I got…
1) Thank you.
2) My husband is convinced that the old man who used to live in our house, has since passed and is now haunting it.
3) My husband went came home from the grocery tonight with a bunch of bananas.
4) I leave at 5am tomorrow for a business trip.
5) Yup.
Ok I thought of a couple more…
“These are not the bananas you’re looking for.”
“Happy Happy Joy Joy”
“Eat naked”
“Does not grow on trees. Oh, wait”
yes I had a psychic read my banana.
This is so much better than telling ML to his face that I will stab him if he leaves strawberry tops all over the counters. I wonder if I can fit that on a banana? “Dear ML: I will fucking cut you if I find little strawberry tops all over every goddamn surface. xoxo, JJ”
I can’t wait to do this. And he thinks my army of Full-sized Edwards in the dining room is creepy…
I actually did this last night – for my husband, waited all day for some sort of response… finally I could not stand it and when I “texted” him asking him how he liked his banana messages he said ” I thought someone else did it and I didn’t eat it.” Laughed OUTLOUD at that! So what if I was a the train!
Messages:
Because, that’s why
Freak of Nature
Not for Anal use.
Write any random date in the near future, add either “It Begins,” “It Ends,” or “It Happens.”
Example: “03/07/12 It Begins”
What is “It?” Exactly!
Are you my Mummy?
WENDY (old joke, WelcomEtosanfranciscohaveaNiceDaY)
Does this peel make my butt look big?
Having a Boo Radley moment?
“peanut butter jelly time!”
“I’m the only non-poisoned banana”
“Peanut butter jelly time!”
Hide me
I’m spoiled
Looks can be deceiving
Dude looks like a lady
Call me
Message on reverse side
Quick line drawing of a religious figure…They appear everywhere else, and they get lots of attention
I really love the “Behind you.”
I like Sarah’s idea! Man, Jenny’s readers are super funny. Great ideas!
My vote for a banana message- or “bananagram” if you will!-goes to: “Just relax your throat”. Haha, because I like to be a little dirty. (To make it even better- or worse- everytime I tried to type “bananagram”, my iPhone changed it to “banana ram”. Now I’m a little scared that my phone is reading my mind.)
Banana incredible hulk
I am satan (with pentagram)
“Hi, My name is Hannah. What’s yours?”
(Hannah Banana)
It has to be easy to write, though, no? Especially if you do it at the store…
“I forgive you.”
“You forgot something.”
“Just eat the candy already.”
My grocery store was out of bananas today. I blame you. Clearly the run on bananas that I predicted did indeed happen.
How about a bunch with
“I’m genetically modified”
“Please don’t skin me!”
“Help!”
Or something along those lines. I feel the GMO line has to be exploited here – plays into everyone’s fears of what genes are *really* being put into the bananas…
Bananas are currently $14/kg in Australia due to cyclone yasi and now possibly evil supermarkets profiteering off mankind’s co-dependent relationship with Bananas (cyclone was bloody months ago).
“If you can afford me, you can afford a facelift”
Nicole x
Someone’s probably said these ones and apologise as they are a little pornstar-ish, can’t help it though as bananas are the original condom demonstration fruit of choice.
“don’t use your teeth”
“sex toys were in aisle 2”
Nicole x
I know wrong – I’m sorry.
Nicole x
You should make one of them say something along the lines of “That’s not a banana in my pocket.”
Perhaps the bananas should say “Eat more Apples” ala Chik-FIl-A’s slogan, or something as simple as “help us”
“What, what in the butt”
“FML”
“WTF, over?”
“I’M IN YOUR HOUSE”
Yea…
I would want to see someone’s reaction to THAT. >.<
Bad Monkey!
I am going to the store today now. yeah just to write on fruit. You could use this as a business building tool. . . fun new advertising!
LOVE this post… and everyone’s suggestions for more banana writing. This would be such a good release of frustration in the grocery store!!!
@Teece – you’ll have to let us know how that all plays out!!!!
I guess I am a little late to the produce section but I think it would totally be awesome if you swapped out some bananas like these at your local grocery store and report back to us
I’m just glad that few readers here are likely to write “Jesus Saves” on bananas.
“Melts in your mouth, not your hand”
🙂
So I totally don’t know how to give you this link other than leaving it as a comment, so here it is: http://thepreggys.blogspot.com/
I leave it only because I said I would post pictures of disturbed fruit, other than bananas in comment #406.
ENJOY!
OMG. That is SO funny! I love it. My son is going to LOVE this!
HA!!
This sooo beats me standing in the produce aisle with a banana to my ear and saying “It’s for you” to random old men who walk by.
“Ceci n’est pas une banane”
Make good choices..I didn’t
Monkey food
Pick on some other fruit
For a good time call… with a phone #.
Apples are better.
“FREE”
Thanks a “bunch”, Jenny. My mom did this to me this morning and in my post-wakeup stupor, she scared the shizzicles out of me.
Stop it! Stop being so damned funny when I am at work!
we have bananas…i just need toothpicks
Just wanted to let you know that I found you’re blog a while ago, and I loved it. And now you have inspired me to make my own blog so people can laugh at me and my life. As well as just having a place to vent. I mean plot. I mean…
So anyway, if you happen to feel like it, you can visit me at http://www.WTFJHH.blogspot.com
Or not. As you wish.
I have worms!
Eat the other guy.
Can your GF eat me?
“You forgot lube.”
I may or may not have written that on several banana bunches this morning at the grocery store.
“Fuck Gwen Stefani”
love it! so doing this to my kids 🙂
How about something like;
FDA rejected
CDC Trial 1147
Test Subject 12345
Under Observation
Zombie Disease Strain 13
etc 🙂
I’m sooo going to do random banana notes 🙂 🙂
“I don’t hate you”
would also be disturbing…
I’m leaving for the store with a toothpick in hand. I’m still fine-tuning my message, but I think it’s going to allude to some sick goings-on between banana and produce guy.
“I’m alive”
“You’re thinking about sex”
“HIV+”
“Apple”
I can see that I’ll need to prepare for a future where I’m banned from every grocery store in a six mile radius…
My bf is currently stuck in the hospital after a motorcycle accident. He loves bananas. Next visit, I’m bringing a bunch that have been “love noted” and leaving them by his bed so he can wake up and wonder why the bananas are flirting with him.
Banana Spiders Kill
Don’t Slip On Me.
“They are coming”
“Don’t take the shortcut home”
Using a needle and thread, you can also slice banana’s while still in their skin.
can you imagine the message: ” I gonna CUT you!” and the banana is already sliced?
For Strangers you could use:
Why Me???
This bunch sucks
Karma
I bite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take a cold shower
You’re Fired.
I am going to go visit my parents and write on their bananas first thing tomorrow!
Just found your blog today through Epbot, and goodness gravy have I spent the better part of two hours trying not to wet myself while laughing. Thanks for making my day.
one banana
two banaa
three banana
four
five banana
six banana
seven banana
MORE
anyone else remember the show ‘banana splits’ or was it Canadian only?
slippery when wet
caution-peel is a slip/fall hazard
I used to do this when I was younger, I would write “please, no! Don’t eat me!”
Or you could write a little pick me up for yourself, like, “good morning beautiful”
oh and ‘Peel and Win’ is TOO funny !
How about….
“Rosebud”
“Zuul”
“Yo Adrian!”
“Add digoxin”
“because I said so”
Don’t fall asleep.
They’re coming for you.
Don’t turn around or don’t look behind you.
Hide.
Get out!
Things to write on bananas:
Tonight… you.
We hunger.
The oranges did it.
The Cake is a Lie
Every time I walk by the bunch of banana’s in my kitchen I think of this post. Tonight I broke down and drew a pair of eye’s on one of them. My husband gets the kids breakfast so I can’t wait to see his reaction.
Inspired. That’s the texting version of communication via vegetable matter. You can do a snail-mail version by scratching your message into a young pumpkin…nice venue for Halloween sentiments.
Avada Kedavra
I Know Where Jimmy Hoffa Is
Plantains, the OTHER banana shaped fruit
Bananaphone!
Save a Banana- Kill Yanni
We don’t need to stinking scurvy!
Bi-Curious George Was Here
Help I’m being held captive in Chinese Fortune Cookie Factory!
Death Before Moon Pies
Ludicrous Speed!
These Aren’t the Bananas You are Looking For
Is that a banana in your fruit bowl or are you just glad to see me?
Hey, I heard Beyonce is into Bananas!
Also, I’m allergic to bananas and I live alone (except for the cats) so I think I’m going to have to content myself with carving words into burritos. Unless I can force feed the cats bananas.
I’m bigger than your boyfriend’s ….
Oh. em. gee. I friggin LOVE you! New fan and posssibly stalker.
Is the face on the stem of the banana that says “they know” intentional? Cause it’s really effin’ creepy.
“You can’t handle the peel!”
Who you gonna call?
Shhh… they’re sleeping.
Goood mooooring Veit-nana!”
Quick call a Dr. … I don’t peel well.
Plank this
Peelerz!!!
Peelings… nothing more than peelings.
Fruit salad… yummy yummy.
Bananas can’ talk.
It’s just your imagination.
To the left to the left
Winner!!! I’m not empty
I like your navel
Hold me tender
Alone at last… this is the end isn’t it?
Jane say Tarzan like banana, what?
On one side: Knock Knock.
On the other side: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Frankly, I’m in a bit of a mood, so I should probably stay far away from all bananas at this time.
OMG, Jenny!!!!! I would not know even where to begin, I’m not a banana person, okay that sounds weird….but I’m not, however The Otherhalf is and for like EVER-I’m the one who always gets stuck buying bananas for him.
All I can say is “revenge is a bitch”, I’m totally going to be freaking F-ing with him and maybe I’ll be kind enough and drop off a bunch to the Fire Department and write crazy shit about all the guys he works with too—-you’re amazing, it’s about 12:30 am, but there are a few 24 supermarkets around here, I’m leaving now!!
Bananagate
;P~ This is going to be such fun!!!
I think produce is totally an untapped business venture completely overlooked until now, and Jenny, you could make a shitload of money on this.
Now instead of flowers, people will order fruit when they want to threaten and/or fuck with people.
Seriously. Think of the possibilities. Flowers are such a wasteful thing to send. You send some fruit and not only are you saying you care, or you don’t care, you’re also giving someone food. Organic food, too, if you wanted to play it that way.
And fruit sculpture. A pineapple that looks like Brittney Spears’ ass, a vodka-filled watermelon that looks like Justin Bieber’s pinkie finger.
It’s endless, what you could do with this shit.
How about: “Size matters… Jealous?”
Go forth and sabotage bananas! And/or the paranoid persons psyche…
“Follow the White Rabbit”
Okay, and fingernails work. Nobody wants to say that, because it sounds unhygienic (okay, and you will probably give someone ebola by doing it) but there it is. Toothpicks are for people who plan things.
Since we’re on the topic of bananas…I have to tell you my banana/zombie dream I had a few years ago. First off, I should tell you that I’m military and at the time I was part of a pre-commissioning crew. We lived, worked, and trained (emphasis on the firefighting portion of training) onboard, of a new destroyer being built in the shipyards. One night I dreamt that the zombie apocalypse had occurred. Zombies were all over the shipyard and trying to come onboard the ship. Everyone was freaking out, trying to figure out what to do. Then, all of the sudden, an idea hits me!
EVERYONE ELSE: “Oh SPIT man! What are we gonna do?!”
ME: “You know how when you get a leg cramp and people tell you to eat a banana because your body needs potassium? Well…maybe that’s the reason why zombies moan and shuffle around. They don’t really need blood and brains; they need potassium and they just don’t know how to get it. So let’s feed them bananas!” (I know…you’re thinking “Sure, give the shambling zombies potassium so they’ll be able to run at you faster. But hey this is my dream; it doesn’t have to make SENSE.)
People run down and grab all the boxes of bananas in the food storage area, drag them back topside and start chucking bananas at the zombies, and watching as the undead scrambled after the bananas on the ground and sat down to eat them. But pretty soon we ran out and the panic started again.
EE: “Oh SPIT man! We’re out of bananas. What are we gonna do now?!”
ME: “Uhhhh…PKP!* PKP has potassium in it lets hose them down with PKP!”
So we grabbed all of the PKP bottles and started hosing down zombies and watched while the zombies rolled around in the powder. Then I woke up. I love my dreams, lol!
*PKP (potassium bicarbonate) is a dry purple powder fire extinguisher used in fighting flammable liquid fires. Firefighting had been drilled into all of our brains, lol, quite well apparently and for a good reason…when you’re out on the ocean and something catches on fire, you can’t call 9-1-1…you’re on your own.
Hilarious! I’m totally doing this to freak out my husband.
Your blog makes me laugh every time I check in to see what you’ve been up to.
Personally, I thought harry potter and put “Kill the Spare” on one banana and left it out for my fiancee. He was so amused he took a picture and put it on facebook.
I just discovered your blog last week from the “Happiness Project” blog and I quickly sent a link to all of my friends and family because I think you are so freaken funny. I love your sense of humor! My eyes well up with every entry. Thanks…so happy to have found you.
I lived in Russia for a while (having graduated with a degree in Russian) and one of my all-time favorite stories was from a friend who grew up, like all kids at that period, being forced to volunteer at a collective farm. He and his hooligan friends made a practice of lightly carving (similarly to your banana trick) obscenities into the rinds of tiny watermelons . By the time they were fully-grown, the words would be splayed across the otherwise perfectly good fruit. I’m sorry if any sweet, kind babushki were offended at the market, but it’s one of those things that kinda make one giggle.
“I swear I’m bigger than this. It’s cold in here”
put me in your pocket.
They don’t know we know they know.
Although this sounds like lots of fun, and i’m giggling up a storm, if they catch you mutilating the food at the store, (and remember that there are video cameras everywhere) you WILL be prosecuted.
“Eet Mor Aples”
“Hu u pikken on?”
“Peel me for a good time”
holy shit! i am going to mess with my roommates immediately!
“Beyonce was here”
“Step away from the banana”
“Eat Me!”
“Rotten”
“I brake for OJ!”
I didn’t read all 566 comments, so maybe this has been said. But I’m going to HEB in a few and writing ‘Jesus loves you’ and ‘WWJD’ on a few bananas…maybe my inscriptions will become famous and appear on the 10 o’clock news!
STOP: Hammer time
I would write “Yes, you were adopted” and/or “Don’t go home”
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Might be too long, though!
So, after some thought on this, I’ve decided to use this trick to my advantage when my son starts school.
“Eat the crust”
“Stop talking in class”
“Be nice to your teacher”
“Paste is not for eating”
“You’re too good for her. She reads at a 2nd grade level.”
“Do NOT call your teacher that.”
“Stop wiping your boogers under your desk.”
“Get your revenge during kickball.”
Don’t eat this! for nieces and nephews
Mommy loves you for my daughter
Potassium schmassium.
So I bought a bunch and wrote bossy sayings on them, like “clean your room,” and “tell mom you love her, with flowers.”
Kids laughed and told me that was my handwriting, and to DREAM ON.
Brats.
Too funny–I just peed a little! I can’t wait to try this.
Just wanted to share that a couple of days ago I was visiting my parents…they had bananas…next to a container of toothpicks. So later my dad was saying, “Who has been messin’ with my banana?”
lolololol
Nothing is an accident.
Once we were seven.
I know your name. We’ve been looking for you.
You’re going to need so much therapy.
Don’t say a word. The pomegrantes are listening.
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.
oh my god this is perfect.
you have to write, Please no teeth!!!!
this is brilliant.
i like the idea of using the banana to convey otherwise life-changing comments to one’s significant other or close relative.
“there’s someone else…”
“you’re not the father…”
“You were adopted…”
all joking, of course 🙂
and for someone at the grocery store, im thinking i would send them on a mad grocery scavenger hunt with something like this:
“clue #2: find me in the freezer section, my brand rhymes with Hen & Larrys”
and for
“If you are eating me, a monkey is going hungry.”
Could this be combines with the needle-and-thread trick of slicing the banana while it’s still in the peel? Could Copernicus command it so? Would that be overkill, haunted monkey-wise?
i think this has taken up the majority of my day. writing random notes on bananas for my husband. YES, HONEY, WE NEED MORE TOWELS ALREADY.
I did it tonight. Hit and run banana messaging. I went into my local grocery, picked up a bunch of nanners, hid behind the tomato display, and etched two messages on the same bunch. Then I said to my son (who was totally in on it and thought it was brilliant), Y’know, we already have bananas at home, so I’ll just put these back, replaced them, and went on my merry.
I’ll be giggling and wetting myself with glee in bed tonight because of the audacity of my own wit. I’m already mapping out the groceries all over my new hometown for my next victims. And believe when I say I truly have nothing better to do.
This banana will self destruct.
Stop gossiping or you will be destroyed.
Hey sexy, call me ###-###-####
stop whining about breakfast or i will pull your feet at night (this one is for kids…)
I just purchased a bunch of bananas and am going to write notes, except I’m the only one who eats them, so I’ll just be writing them to myself. I think instead of anything threatening, I’ll write stuff like, “Go get ’em, tiger!” and “You’re the top banana!”
But for other people, I would write, “Please stop hurting me.”
You inspired me to follow furious happiness. The night before I went to check in for a minor but uncomfortable surgery, I made this for my 73 year old Dad, who will soon be having robotic, micro surgery on one of his testicles. (Lady junk gets regular ol’ stitches at the neighborhood hospital, but dudes get beamed aboard the fucking enterprise)
http://www.zazzle.com/get_well_granddaddy_card-137677828174573892
This is hilarious. I will never see a banana again without looking for words written on it.
Cynthia
http://coffeeonthepatio.com
http://www.cynthiasblog.com
http://www.theapptutor.com
People don’t read bananas because they want sunshine blown up their asses. They read bananas because they are filled with The Fear, and they want validation. You did the right thing with this.
Some disassembly required
What about this? lol
http://i655.photobucket.com/albums/uu271/toasties23/banana1.jpg
I was tempted to write on the bananas at my work. But I work at a psych ER, and that would probably be a BAD idea. Unless I put therapeutic things on them, like “You’re OK, and this banana is good for you.” And that is just boring.
i want to go to the shops and write ..i’m USED goods…
“Hello there”
“Banana Boat”
“Peel me”
“You may be a winner: details inside”
I love your approach. I hope our children meet in group therapy later in life.
The banana song with people’s names.
OMG…that’s about all i can say! This is soooo funny…and I love that Victor calls you a dumb-ass! (not that I think he’s right or anything, it’s just so damn funny!)
Heading to the supermarket now….not buying any for myself as they are way too dear with the shortage we have at the moment…..going to see if I can manage to write on a few for other people though
This site–This is the second time I’ve come here. I’d bet you are the type to put a rubber band around the sprayer at the kitchen sink and aim it at “oncoming traffic”. My dad is like that. Luckily he calmed down a bit. He short sheeted me on the night before my wedding. But to get him back i just slept all currled up and feigned innocence about it for years. Been married 24 years now.
Good luck.
Here are my submissions for banana art messages.
I must not tell lies. (Harry Potter)
There’s no place like home
I want to be bread
Fanna Fo Fanna
And now I know why my banana told me to, “Watch my back.”
How about ripping off Chick-a-F(something’) Tag…….Eat More Monkeys!
Time to make like me and split?
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring …
just add chocolate
All I can think of is banana guerrilla tactics at the grocery store. (which is funny because this is the kind of thing I was thinking at 4:30 this morning). The bananas could serve purpose as a political platform to educate (or scare the shit out of) other shoppers. Sure you’d be arrested, but maybe for a good cause. I was thinking it might be ok since I’ve never been arrested and once probably would be ok.
go bananas
I’m not a dildo
Tell me you love me
Do you know how fun it would be to freak people out like that? Especially in uber-conservative Switzerland? Except I’d probably get thrown in jail. You can’t even flip people off here, imagine what they’d do to a banana defacer.
I run a bed and breakfast. I will let you know how this works out. Muahahahaahahahahaha.
Run. For. Your. LIFE! This has The Bloggess written alllllll over it: http://www.geekologie.com/2011/08/run-for-your-life-5k-zombie-obstacle-cou.php. Dude, I’m so going. I just *know* I can outrun some stupid zombie ass!
I am definitely going to write inappropriate messages on bananas at grocery stores.
Things like “How you doin?”, “Maybe you should reconsider that top”, “Its been awhile for me too”, “Don’t forget to swallow”
Clearly my mind is in the gutter.
The Banana’s are becoming boring…I want to listen to something else. I pay good money to view this website…no wait..it’s free…I give up good brain cells to read this website…come on let’s big up my brain destruction.
I wrote “happy birthday” on one to my mom yesterday. Of course I had to sneak into their house and explain to my dad why I was mutilating their bananas with a toothpick when he walked in. I’m not sure he believed me.
Well atleast i will know that it was someone from this website if i get a banana with writing on it lmao! Im from louisiana anyone else?
Friend of mine did this trick on her husband. He reacted kind of like Victor. I though I would explode laughing so hard…
Hi-larious. Totally going to freak my two boys out this weekend – thanks for the tip!
OMG I laughed so hard i cried!!! The needle! (Elisa’s post)
“Help I am trapped inside this banana.”
Things to write on a stranger’s banana:
Get thee to a nunnery
Eat kiwis, not bananas
Fruitopia
Tofruitia
Yellow is for sissies
The monkey knows
Swordfish
Beware the elephant
Hysterical. How about drawing the Virgin Mary?
“Bigger than your boyfriend”
“No chemical Peel required”
“I’m no cucumber”
This was just great! Can’t wait to buy some bananas, watch out family! lol
So I wrote a message on my son’s banana. And it seriously scared him. Good times.
I have not great ideas about what to write on a banana—and many creative ones were already listed here—so I just wanted to tell you how much I loved this post. So funny! It’s always nice to start the day with laughter—thank you!
I just came back to your blog and realized I’ve written a message to creep out my parents yesterday and today I just took the banana without even looking at it.
I don’t even know if it worked.
But I made a delicious banana shake so there is that.
Oh yeah! I’m so gonna freak out my husband!
I am sooo doing this to my husband upon his returning from deployment. I can just see his face now and I can only imagine that he will try pulling this stuff on me too, lol
My eight year old niece came up with “In loving memory… of a banana”. I love that kid. 14 year old niece suggested “It’s dark in here”.
“For a good time call: 867-5309/Jenny”
What does it say about you when you keep reading these to your family and they walk away>>>>>
No fun or what!!
Me ~~ I had to run to the bathroom laughed so hard
one-two freddies coming for you
three-four better lock your door
i like to be bitten
hold me
I’ve had a lot of fun leaving messages on ‘nanners this week but the best was this – my 10 yr old daughter was going out of town for the weekend and she called to tell me “check the bananas!”. She left me a message “I miss you and love ya!”
DUCK! (on the other side) NOW!
The angels have the phone box!
Always bring a banana to a party.
Bananas are good.
“Eat me. It’ll leave you with appeal.”
sweet. baby. jesus.
i think i am going on a rampage and writing ‘wolverines’ and ‘the bloggess was here’ on bananas all around beaumont.
best. idea. evah!!!
I’ve already commented, but I had to come back and say that I just happened upon the banana pics and I laughed OUT FUCKING LOUD all over again. I mean it: best.post.ever. bawahahahaha!!
I know what you did!!!
Suggestions:
“Banana fana fo fanna, mi my mo mana, Banana!”
“Did you wash your hands?”
“Princess Consuela Banana Hammock hearts Crap Bag”
Got sex a-peel?
I did a very bad thing at Food Lion yesterday. And didn’t get caught. Tee hee. Thanks for the idea!
Scratched “Help me. He’s crazy.” on one my BF’s bananas. He failed to notice this until one of the guys he works with says, “WTF is that on your banana dude?” then proceeded to pass it around the room for all the other guys to look at. He calls and says, “Uh babe…. did you write something on my banana today?” Naturally my response was, “That’s stupid. Why would I write something on your banana?” *snicker snicker*
“Please watch the teeth.”
Genius! Trip to the supermarket in planning…
We started a garden this year and planted zucchini, and in the grand tradition of that delightful vegetable we now have more than we know what to do with. So on one banana I put “Eat More Zucchini”. On the other three: “Hi”; “Orange You Glad”; and (for my sister) “My Hands Are Bananas”. Waiting to see the reaction from my family.
-let’s be friends
– Really?
– Want to see me fly?
-Did you hear that?
-Ouch stop it!!
– see you on the way out
– you’ve got 5 minutes
– WAIT!
-pssst, pssst I know something.
– Do i know you?
“For Display Only”
“Squeeze me…”
“Money in envelope. Look both ways!”
I read this earlier and my friend and I promptly went to the store with toothpicks. The produce section will never be the same.
“Save a banana, eat an apple”
“i WAS in his pocket”
“just happy to see you”
“spoo receptacle”
“split or die”
“step one: eat step two: place on floor step three: laugh at cliche”
“I killed your grandma”
oooh oooh!…
“I’m coming for you”
a teeeeheeeeheeee
“Go ahead.” “Drink the Kool-Aid.”
OMFGPMSL, i just spit my drink all over my laptop!!! and i have tears running down my face!!! i am DYING!!!!
If you have any religious relatives put the Tetragrammaton on some bananas; so cash.
This is hilarious, I have to try it on my husband sometime. And the kids are starting school soon… THIS IS AWESOME!! Seriously, I found your blog and I can’t read it at work, my coworker thinks I’m nuts giggling at the computer. Well he probably already thought I was nuts, but it doesn’t help. I should bring him a banana! hahahah
“You callin’ me yellow?”
Wonderful! It reminds me of when my husband still smoked, and I would surreptitiously write things on individual cigarettes with a sharpie, and then put them back in the pack. The only one I can remember off the top of my head is “I heart boy bands”.
Wow. A whole new way to mess with my husband and kids. Priceless.
“For rectal use only”
Hilarious!! I’m totally doing this in the supermarket! However, I may get arrested as it would be like defacing currency right now ($16 per kilo after floods)..
This is my first visit to your blog.. love your work!
Damn the Man, Save the Empire!
Recalled
Hilarious! I like:
“I’m watching”
“New edible skin”
“There back”
“Yes, you’re seeing things”
I’m going to Whole Foods tonight to write on all the bananas just before they close so tomorrow when they open customers will see messages like, “don’t buy me,” “I’m not actually organic,” “people had to die to get you these bananas,”
fabulous stories the banana and the chicken i love it. I am on my way to the store to write notes
Zombies! Run!
Not a weapon
Carry concealed
I’m lonely
I see you
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
In your face
R u ok w/ sloppy seconds?
No sucking
Peel before enjoying
Choking hazard
LOL! OMG! I h8 u.
Snort me
Not a pencil
U need 2 shave
Peace be with you
Will it hurt?
No, spare my friends! Take me!
He peed on me
Clean me. Use soap.
Stop looking at me
Batteries not included
How about “Black and yellow, black and yellow?”
This post may cause me to be escorted out of Harris Teeter for assaulting bananas, but it will soooo be worth it!
I think scribbling William Shatner’s name all over bananas at the store would be perfect!
“open here” and an arrow pointing to the bottom of the banana.
“Eat Me” a la Lewis Carol’s Wonderland treats.
“read a book”
“Eat more fruits”
“Does the food at McDonalds talk to you?” (maybe on a bunch of bananas)
“Good For You Food”
“Save a Banana” “Eat an Apple”
“Eat him first”
NOW. that all being said. I don’t think I would buy bananas that were talking to me. We have been trained to be suspicious of anything that may have been tampered with. BUMMER to. because that could be really cool.
Holy crap – this is hilarious. Can’t wait to try it on my kids.
Dayna
May contain nuts.
Seriously. No matter how crappy my day is you make me laugh. Thank you!
aha just found out who my wife cheats with.
Redrum
I do have a question for you.. What in the Hell are the bananas sitting on?? Is that a wooden table or burned flesh??.. .or are you… oh dear God… I have to do it……………. a “cereal” killer……………haha.
This is freakin genius. When I read this last week I immediately starting plotting against my husband. The other day he comes in to the bedroom with two bananas that say, “Stay Calm, You’ll be contacted soon”. He says to me, “Look at this shit! What the hell does this mean??!” I tried to act like I had no idea but it only lasted about 5 minutes bc he was so freaked he was gunna throw all the bananas away so I felt bad and told him.
Don’t slip
yes, you’re bananas
yes, you’re crazy
Wow, thought you couldn’t read
Literacy be good
Peel your eyes for this one
You’re unappealing
I am TOTALLY doing this at the grocery store.
For those old enough to remember, crap, at my age that is gettin’ more difficult, anyway this one.
SMOKE ME
Been THERE, Done THAT
PSSSST your flys open, made you look.
BANG !
You’ve lost that luv’in feelin’
This IS a BOMB…(for TSA)
“JOE”
i do that in stores hahaha!
BTW…I’m in deep shit because of you…went to Home Goods to see if maybe they has a chicken…they didn’t, but I found a bunch of other stuff!
I’m a stripper
Run, the peelers r coming
I’d peel 4 u
First day I wrote EAT ME FUCKER on my husband’s banana. I also wrote on the nectarine. The next day I wrote yes i am happy to see you on one side of it and EAT ME on the other. He finally told me he was afraid to eat the first banana because he thought somebody did that to it at the store. He noticed the nectarine and decided it was me and therefore safe to eat. BWHAHAHAHA
Greatest idea ever!
Such a super idea, both creepy and fun. This will add a whole new aspect to visits to my friends, preferably those with bananas. At least my present friends 😛
“Eat me” is a time proven (double-entendre) classic yes…
I would write “knock Knock Mother F*cker”
Why can’t my friends be more interesting LIKE YOU ARE?
sigh
notes to write on strangers’ bananas
I’m watching you
eat me/suck me/ kiss me/ lick me…. or else….
You can’t run away
Try harder
think i’m a softie?
suck it up
i want you
it’s just you and me
no one will know
ps: can we have beyonce updates? have you gotten her closer to victor’s study/office room? it’s priceless….
Apples, the other white fruit.
This is hilarious! Thanks for posting! I found this on someone’s FB wall and reposted on mine. Obviously, she must have been upset that I shared, so she defriended me. And the best part? She’s in her 70s! You would think someone that old would be more mature than that, but apparently this lady is still the jealous, self-absorbed wolf in sheep’s clothing that she was back in the 80s 🙂
I am soooo going to do this when my daughter goes back to school! I’d probably write things like “Trust no one” and “Don’t turnaround just walk away”. Or “help me, I’m trapped”.
“Only the bent ones are poison.”
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
My husband did this to a bunch of bananas I was going to use for banana pudding. They included touch me and see me and peel me (and one more, probably eat me). Hilarious from a banana. Creepy as a message from a stranger.
Your fly’s down.
I think I’d take one as a snack to jury duty that says “Guilty”…then tell the judge there’s no reason to have a trial b/c I have bananas that see the future.
So my hubby’s rather naive and fancies himself a “foodie.”. When I read about this trick I decided to write on his pristine bunch of five bananas — one message per day, per banana. Late at night, I started with “SPLIT.” The next day he didn’t touch his bananas and apparently didn’t notice the message. Tonight I’ve written “BREAD.” Tomorrow I’ll write “CREAM PIE.”. If he doesn’t get it by then I will keep it up but I’ll be on the lookout for a new chef! Why does he have to spoil all the fun??? Pudding, smoothie, Foster. I could go on and on ……
LOVE your blog. Went to Home Goods today. Alas, no chickens.
Holy Sow! I just peed my pants while reading this post!
Say my name bitch!
THIS. IS. GENIUS!! (and extremely hilarious!!!)
“Yes, that dress makes you look fat”!
“Your brother is a better kisser””!
I’m pretty sure “Eat Me” does the trick. In more than one way.
http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/banana-oxidation-art-is-just-bananas.html
Thought you would enjoy this! 🙂
For a Portal/Liar Paradox combo reference, “The banana is a lie”
Yes, yes. I just found you. I know, I’m late. Holy crap you just made me laugh hysterically for the second time today. I don’t have the patience to read through these comments to find hate mail…
The BF loves bananas, I hate them (I can’t explain why or I’ll barf…no, it’s not sexual, SICKO!). I’m thinking some messages are in order. He’s been really kind to not eat them around me because I start to gag (this is partially self-preserving, as my gagging is not conducive to a pleasant snack…), but he occasionally leaves them on the kitchen counter which starts to get me queasy all by itself, ruining MY meal (I made a space for them to live in a cabinet I never use). I might be just as evil as you – in a good way – but I’m not that creative, so I’ll just piggyback on your creativity if you don’t mind…
For him:
“Baby is not yours”
“Size doesnt matter”
“Better in than out”
“Wont make you homo”
“Eat me to grow”
For her:
“He knows”
“Size does matter”
“Better in than out”
“Not a tampon”
“For practice”
What an awesome thing to do.
How about writing…
Who’s that guy with the knife behind you?
She DOES know
You don’t want to know where I’ve been
Quick, let me out!
How would YOU like ME to peel YOU?
I’d rather be an orange.
I’m not coming out without a fight.
I just wanted to thank you. I read your bana post and started laughing so hard that I started to cry. The people outside my shop started to stare at me weirdl. I waved them away and temporarily forgot about my migraine.
Thank you.
i think you should write things like “insert where? oh no” or “i hate gwen stefani”.
“What, I can’t hear you, there’s a BANANA in my ear!”
“Unzip me!”
“Little, yellow, different…”
Enjoy…
“Step away from the banana.”
(My brother had a college friend who was a deputy sheriff in a small Wyoming town who was once called to the scene of a rancher having… um… marital relations with a cow. Law enforcement gold: “Step away from the cow.”)
“AIM AWAY FROM FACE”
Thanks for this idea…so funny!
ps – don’t turn around…
Have you seen my monkey?
Open other end (on both ends)
Let me out, it’s dark in here!
Admit it, you’re jealous.
Knock knock, muppetplucker!
everyone loves words written on bananas right?!
Rosabelle Believe
just friggin awesome, never thought of it….but this is so original it should be blogged everywhere. thanks a million. you are an original
I just used the idea of this post in a practical joke for my entire office. My coworker and I wrote on over 40 bananas and came in early today (Halloween) to leave them on everyone’s desk. Confusion and giggling ensued at such messages as “Hello Clarice”, “Self Destruct in 5…4..3..2..1…”, “Banana Hamock,” and “Grrr-Arrgh” for a zombie banana.
Thanks for the idea, Bloggess!
Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
Do not move: IEB
Better late than never?
“THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE”
Hugs, @shthisisme
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The bananas at my local grocery story will never be the same again. I’ll load up in a cart, then cruise over to a dead area of the store to write my secret messages. Heck, maybe my twitter handle to freak folks out.
I know this is years old, but I still write on my kids bananas.
You’re the best.