That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised.

in bizarre, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

This is the longest and most confusing post ever.  I started writing it months ago and then got distracted.  If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it.  You’ve been warned.

**********

It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…

me:  HOLY SHITSNACKS.  SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR ME:

Follow-up tweet:

 ************

Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):

me:  Hey.  I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.

Victor: Who is this?

me:  No, seriously.  I just emailed you a picture.  The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away.  That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.

Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?

me:  And also because I suck at returning things.  I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.

Victor: *sigh*

me:  This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match.  There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”.  Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy.  He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER?  THEY ARE DELICIOUS.”  And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”

Victor:  Wtf?

me:  Oh my God, they’re totally us.  Guess which one is me?

Victor:  The cobra.

me:  EXACTLY.  I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.

Victor (opening the picture):  Oh, holy shit.  Honey, seriously?  You paid money for this?  It’s not even a honey-badger.  It’s a mongoose with mange.  It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.

me:  Which is even better.  It’s a death-match with a moral.  How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story?  Almost never.

Victor:  And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?

me:  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  It was an impulse buy.  It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter.  You don’t go in for it, but you buy it.  And then the whole family appreciates it later.  This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.

Victor: I need you to stop talking now.

***********

 Two weeks later:

me:  EEEEAAAAAAHH!

Victor:  What the fuck?  What’s wrong?

me:  I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.

Victor:  Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?

me:  Oh holy shit, my heart is racing.  I totally forgot I bought it.

Victor:  Of course you did.

me:  Wow.  You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait.  This is probably the cobra I ordered”?

Victor:  Nope.  No one knows what that’s like.

me:  Ugh.  I hate that feeling.  I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it.  They should have put a warning on the outside.

Victor:  Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered.  Dumb-ass”?

me:  No, because then the post office would confiscate it.  There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies.  If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either.  That’s basic logic.

Victor:  “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.

The most unadorable nom nom picture ever.

***********

Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep.  Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.

And with the snake.

And in the end I decided to just put them both outside in the garage so they could scare away other cobras and mongeese.

It’s totally working.

PS. Look.  I made new cards for my shop:

This one is for romance.

And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever.  Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch.  Then this card is not applicable.

 

807 thoughts on “That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I love that this post even exists… much less includes LOLcat style visual aides.

  6. OMG, I’m laughing so hard. I want a Cobra and Mongoose battle royale.

    My life will never be complete without one.

    Well, maybe it will be but I’m not entirely sure…. I’m going to say it won’t be.

  7. NomNomNom. Thank you. I needed a laugh as I work on my WIP. And that mongoose is creepy as hello – but oddly enough I think the cobra just needs a hug.

  12. I hereby declare that, from this day forward, I will endeavor to ensure that both

    A) all monologues;
    B) all bilogues (right??) with my husband

    contain 100% more mongoose/honey badger/cobra/scary-taxidermy-I-forgot-in-a-box action. Also, 50% more strangles-you-haven’t-finished-yet.

    Thank you for the inspiration.

  13. You… have once again … Singlehandedly…. Solved everything wrong in my lil world…. Im buying the card as wedding invitations

  15. My husbands always like: why do you always stalk this site? And I tell him but he doesnt believe me. Now I need to show him this….after I get over my freaked out-ness of how nasty that mole rat thing looks.

  16. What happens if you have pop rocks and soda while chewing AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM? Does your head explode?
    Win.

  17. I cant even describe the level of hilarity that is. And the fact that the cat is all up in its grill? Classic.

  19. I am so glad you write this stuff. It helps me convince my husband that I’m not really all that crazy.
    “Look honey, this chick drives her husband nuts with unique ideas too. I’m totally normal!”

  21. Am I the only person who saw the very first photo and thought this masterpiece was a lot bigger when it was in the store? But really, any size works when you’re talking cobra vs. mongoose on the awesome-scale. Congrats, Jenny, and kudos to you!

  22. I take it your daughter does not now visit the garage, me I would put it right in the middle of the coffee table especially, if I could get away with it, but if it wasn’t allowed I’d wait for the boss to go and pick up the Mum-in-Law and then I’d set it up on the dresser overlooking her bed. Am I being cruel?

  23. Why rent a cobra when for only a little bit more you can buy one? Love your logic.

    My only question – how do they get along with Beyonce?

  24. Have you considered using it as a Halloween decoration, right next to the front door?

  26. Jenny…you scare me. But in a hilarious kind of way. Victor is the god of patience. You know this, right?

  28. The “om nom nom” pic is now my background on my office computer. I hope to scare away (confuse away) co-workers so they don’t ask me to do things for them now.

  29. Hahahahahaha! This is my favourite thing ever(so far)! The cobra looks sooo happy! Does he give hugs with his mouth, too?

  30. The more I read your blog, the more I realize I got the short end of the husband stick, because I totally would be divorced within seconds of putting that in my house, no matter how badass it is. My husband just doesn’t get genius.

  31. I just linked the story to my boyfriend and he thought it was hilarious and agreed that he would kill me if I ever attempted any of this. This of course begs me to ask you the question: Would *you* rent the statue out? Also, he doesn’t realize this yet, but the romance card is the only card he is ever going to get for Valentine’s Day/Anniversaries for, like, ever. Thank you thank you thank you! <3

  32. This is the best thing I have read all week. Those pictures of your cat with mongoose and cobra (family portrait?!) are hilarious.

  33. Never thought a post about a chupacabra/cobra death-match w/amorous kitties would be the thing that got me out of my pit of doom today! Now, all I need is awesome death-match gum and I’m set.

  36. ahahah!!!! totally epic win! thanks 😀

    i agree..put them out as halloween decor. then scare the crap outta everyone..unless they read your blog. then they’ll probably just laugh 😉

  38. Jenny, I found myself at an antique store taking a picture of a marionette dummy(the creepy kind) perched next to a figururine angel. It was like a battle between good and evil and the captions were popping into my head and then it hits me…it’s you. You’ve gotten into my head and I see captions of monkeys and chickens saying crap now.
    Thank you for the cobras and the mangey mongeese.
    Sam

  40. I wondered if you’d gotten your critter battle yet.

    The fact that you scared yourself because you’d forgotten you ordered them is delightful. I hope it’s okay that I laughed until I choked because of that.

    <3

  42. I followed the whole post and totally understood it. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of some kind of brain injury. Thank you for alerting me to that fact so I can now go spend a suitcase full of cash on doctors to repair my injury. Once again, you have done a good deed.

  43. So I have personally been in the throes of horrific brain-melting anxiety and desperately missing my little girl (http://youtu.be/8yxqRSnRMLs http://youtu.be/dyIVhRpNXtI) and paralyzing anxiety that my horrific depression is returning, which is COMPLETELY unproductive… and yeah. I think I’m cured, at least for the next few hours. Bless you, Jenny and mongoose and cobra and ESPECIALLY Mr. Mewler for drastically brightening my everything. Now if he could do my presentation for my grad school seminar, that would just be icing on the cake. Because who’s going to be mad at Ferris for not reading “Development as Freedom?” He’d just get up there and be like, “Mrow, I’m freaking adorable, bitches. Watch me cuddle with this cobra.” and everyone would forget that he was supposed to be in grad school. Plus what with the paws and all, he has a good excuse. Although I’m pretty sure he could work a kindle if he tried. So basically Ferris is just a lazy bastard. Damn you, Ferris!!!

    I think my Xanax might finally be kicking in. Thank the lord.

    I’m not sure I should be allowed to represent my nonprofit in this state. But I figure anyone who’s reading this site can handle it. A certain level of insanity is required to work at an orphanage with 30 kids under the age of five. And a LOT of xanax. Love, and moderate insanity, and a good supply of bribery candy, and xanax.

  44. I check for updates on your blog every day.

    You complete me.
    You had me at “knock, knock, motherfucker” way back when…and it keeps getting better!

  45. Again, you made me piss my pants. I write posts about whores in UGGs and booty shorts while you write awesome shit like this. Clearly, you win.

  47. As much as I loved this post, I loved Julie’s comment even more. Also, I think it is a honey badger, because everyone knows they are nasty and don’t give a shit.

  48. My favorite part of this is that you paid $300 for a garage ornament. I think it at least deserves to be out back with Beyonce don’t you?

  49. Is it wierd that my favorite part of the entire thing is that you nonchalantly refer to the plural of mongoose as mongeese.

    I’m petitioning Merriam-Webster as we speak.

  50. Bwahahaahaaaa THANK YOU so much for the much needed distraction and the much needed laugh this morning 🙂

  51. If there’s one post that “holy shitsnacks” perfectly qualifies to express WTF-ness, this is it. Please tell me you buy Victor beer. The nice beer. You know some people buy 24 cans of some stuff but you buy the single bottle with a cork for the same $$?

  52. I think you need to make a teeny model of this for your haunted dollhouse. But which room would it go in? Hmmm…

  53. You’re so awesome. This is really giving me a self-esteem boost about my expensive shoe splurges; I don’t think I’ve ever had a crazy shopping urge for taxidermy.

  54. I kind of knew it was coming but still the picture of the ‘animals’ in the packing peanuts caused me to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
    Thanks.
    And I love the second card the most.
    Also, I just got finished leaving a comment somewhere else about the time my parents’ house was infested with 5 giant black snakes ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
    One reared back at me when I opened the door to the laundry closet.
    Good times.
    I am sharing all kinds of fuzzy bunny feelings all over the internet today.

  57. This felt oddly like a secretly recorded conversation involving Perez Hilton if he wrote about animals….Pescador Holiday Inn, and Jack Black.

  58. I don’t mean this in a bad “you’re fucking batshit crazy way” (though, I say that with love), but I’m surprised that Victor is still married to you.

  60. You have totally made my day. How, you ask? By buying something so completely inappropriate, then having THAT conversation with your Victor. Next time I buy something of this caliber, I will show my husband this post first and tell him what I bought is nothing compare to what Jenny purchased… So – THANK YOU for giving me that.

  63. Just be careful. Let’s remember that old adage: “Mongeese of a feather flock together.”

    I’m just saying, you might want to get a mongoose alert for the garage.

    The cobras won’t be an issue, though. Of that I’m certain.

  64. Oh yeah, and I thought I was getting in early because when I started reading this post, there were 10 comments. But by the time I had posted mine, there were 49. I am a fast reader, even when savoring the material. Girl, you are *popular*!!

  65. I keep printing out your posts, and showing them/reading them to my husband. I do this, hoping he will think that my insanity could be so much worse, and be thankful for the insanity I have, in comparison. But, it really doesn’t work. I might as well start buying death scenes with morals.

  66. at first I thought this battle of the death was like eight feet tall… photos can be deceiving… so… much… laughter…

  68. Seriously… you need to warn those of us who snort at the screen with liquid in our mouths, or have minor bladder control issues, to take care of such things before reading! OMG, that was fan-frickin-tastic!

  71. Maybe you could mount it on something above your door. Or in the entryway to scare off troublesome visitors. I cannot decide.

  72. My husband just walked in, looked at the pictures on the screen, and said, “You can’t have it.” He has no sense of whimsey.

  73. You’re kind of like a microwave oven, or the Internet itself; I can’t recall what life was like before The Bloggess. However, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t as funny. Even with The Marx Brothers.

    (of course, I’m absolutely not comparing you to the utilitarian function of a piece of kitchen hardware. That would be inappropriate and dipshitty. Just comparing the – forget it – there’s no way this comes out sounding right)

  74. I think the really freaky thing about that is that it cost $300. Your bargaining skills have obviously deteriorated since Copernicus.

  77. When I was in Kindergarten my class did that thing where you send a teddy bear and a disposable camera to whoever you know that lives farthest away, with instructions for them to take a picture at some local landmark and then do the same, until the bear travels all over and makes it way back to you. You should do that with this thing.

  78. See, now the cobra & mongoose can be vessels of happiness and Dirty Dancing-esque thoughts..

    You know what I mean.

    I do completely agree, barring the fact that they’re *sort* of creepy and could quite possibly kill you in you sleep, it was definitely a better deal to buy them.

    I still have someone else’s Blockbuster DVD of ‘Saved!’ and you know they’re not getting that back.

    And later, when you find the perfect use for them (another holiday card perhaps? You could make an entire series of holiday cards with the collection of stuffed/dead animals you have..), you’ll appreciate them and find them less creepy. Or more. It depends.

  81. This might very well be the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time!!!!!!

    Thank you I needed a good laugh!!!!!

  82. Apparently I offended my husband by laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and I couldn’t finish reading your post until I stopped laughing. What’s up with that?? He thinks there is something wrong with ME! Personally I think he’s the one with the problem.

    Thanks. Don’t stop posting such high quality stuff!

  83. The exchanges between you and Victor are better than anything on television and 95% of anything on the internet. Jeff, the Cobra, and his ability to maintain his positive and calm outlook despite having an OMFG-Mongoose in constant rage-mode is something we should all aspire to.

    If this isn’t the best remake of “The Odd Couple” ever, then I will eat my hat, ma’am.

  84. Is this one of those posts where I shouldn’t try to read all the comments before commenting myself?

    Yep. Thought so.

  85. Susan D. to “Susan”—-there were 16 comments here when I started reading. I’d planned on mentioning her doll house too, (Great Susan’s think alike) but my thought was more like having it hovering beside or behind it like a giant Godzilla-type reference. After all, I read somewhere today that the world is going to end on October 21st. Who is to say it wouldn’t be from giant Mongoose and cobra attacks? And Jenny, I’m pretty sure you should keep it closer than the garage. I have a feeling that thing might just ward off Zombies. I’m just saying………..

  86. My snake-obsessed son’s face just lit up like Christmas when he saw the pictures. He wants this. Badly. His birthday is in 10 days. But, alas, my husband would be…..unpleased. And besides, I’m sure you couldn’t part with such genius.

  87. I love that Ferris Mewler is so infatuated with them. My dog would have called me a bitched and refused to be in the same house as them. Then again, my dog has always been a little bit racist towards reptiles and mongeese with leprosy.

  88. Really, where do you find this stuff? Not that my house needs more taxidermied animals, but it definitely needs more taxidermied animals *with character.*

  90. And I meant to add: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi looked so much bigger in the store. I think you may have been ripped off.

  91. I’m laughing so hard I’m snorting. Of course now my four year old is asking what a dumb ass is. Guess I’m up for the mom of the year award now. Love your blog Jenny!

  94. That second card is totally what I need for when I finally go liberate Fernando the fancy fox from the antique store. You’d love him, he has a hand knitted scarf and hat and the most lovely smile/snarl. Although, he recently aquired a lady friend at the shop, and I’m afraid he won’t leave without her.

  95. The first picture totally makes it look like it’s a velociraptor and a giant cobra from monster movie. I have to say I was a little let down to see that it’s a *normal-sized* cobra. I was hoping there’d be some kind of Beyonce threesome thing happening.

    Still awesome though.

  96. See my husband would buy that for me. It’s not uncommon for him to bring me dead things for a romantic jester

  97. Do you have ANY idea how happy this post makes me? I don’t even know where to begin. Mongooses (geese?), cobras, kitties, packing peanuts – all the elements of a classic and compelling story.

    Nom Nom Nom!!!

  98. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more, you post this. PS: I also love Victor.

  99. Is amazeballs ok to say? Who cares? Yes, this is amazeballs. Thanks for making me laugh!

  101. I had one of these cobra mongoose death match stuffies growing up. My dad gave it to me, I think he got it from an uncle who brought it back from India (or a flea market).

    I kept it on a shelf in my bedroom and it was awesome for elementary school show-and-tell . By the time I was in middle school it was starting to get pretty mangy and may have been interfering with my ability to meet girls. So I threw it away or donated it to Goodwill, I can’t remember. Maybe this is my long lost treasure.

  102. You need to put them in the garden and grow things around them, so that visitors are all “Look at the beautiful Daffodils OH HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT?”

    You may need to hang a sign somewhere though so that you’re not liable in case of heart attack.

  103. I had to read this post to my husband, so he would realize how lucky he is. Because our house is both cobra & mongoose free.

    We do have half a grizzly bear in the guest room. The half with the head on it. The other half would just be stupid. Plus, a bear staring down at the guest bed ensures you don’t have overly fussy house guests staying with you.

    And in the living room, we have an elephant’s foot. I realize other people have a lucky rabbit’s foot, but they are just so tiny, how much love could fit in there?

    My husband, even after then years of being married to me, still isn’t completely comfortable with the dead animal decorating theme, but has come to realize he should count himself lucky that none of the animals are trying to kill each other…. or us…

  104. Thank you so much for that card, you have no idea. Now I know *exactly* what to get for my husband after I buy those four pigmy goats.
    I mean, he technically said “yes”.
    Only, you know, kind of that “hahaha, you’re joking right?” kind of voice.
    No, dear husband. No I wasn’t.

  105. I can’t stop laughing. Kudos on the brilliant italics. Now I begin to understand how Victor survives in this relationship. He just waits for the other shoe (or cobra) to drop and enjoys the show.

    Not sure I’d put it out where kids could touch it, tho.

    Above the front door, in the transom, yeah, or in the front window with a blacklite on it, sure.

    And a teeny, tiny version for the haunted dollhouse would be PERFECT.

  106. Because I (like yourself) am a concerned pet owner, I took the liberty of looking up MANGE for you … as I really think Rikki has a problem. And it’s defined as “a persistent and CONTAGIOUS disease of the skin causing inflammation and itching and loss of hair. Affects domestic animals and sometimes PEOPLE.”

    Contagious, Jenny. And sometimes affects people. Get these two beasts to a vet lickety split … and, for the love of God, sequester them from your cats and many other creepy animal purchases.

  107. Ferris is going to eat them the first chance he gets, and since he loves you so he’ll leave their heads on your bed and Victor’s discovery of them will be more horrifying than the horse head scene in The Godfather and I can’t wait till you blog about that.

  108. Don’t mongooses (mongeese??? what is the plural here?) eat chickens? WATCH OUT, BEYONCE!!

  111. Not much funny happened today. All I got in the mail was another letter pretending to be a check, only it was from DirectTV trying to get me to switch. I never get good shit in the mail. You’re so lucky.

  112. I may be confused but it’s from being oxygen deprived from laughing.

    And, by the way, I am going to pepper my conversation withthe expression “holy shitsnacks!” from now on.

  113. We need a contest to name them…and the winner can rent them out from you for at least $200.00 a day!They look a bit like Ren and Stimpy to me!

  115. I swear! This post made me laugh so hard! I have had a similar conversation with my husband about an impulse buy so I could TOTALLY hear the whine/defeat that was probably in Victor’s voice. Good times 😀

  116. I actually owned one of these, a million years ago. Bought it new from an Indian import shop, so less mangy initially. My cats eventually ate the cobra’s face. I salvaged some snakeskin to use in various projects (still have some somewhere) and the mongoose was a cat toy until it looked a bit like the one in the pic only with no tail or ears, at which point I believe I threw it away.

  117. I’ve had that forgetting what you purchased online when you were bored and your paypal worked at the time and then two weeks later you’re like what the fuck was I thinking and then you sell it back on ebay because it’s some other fool’s turn to buy it.

    But mine weren’t normally alive previously…

  118. MY AUNT USED TO HAVE ONE OF THESE!!!! No, I’m not even effing joking. I was fascinated and horrified by it as a young child. Are there more than one of these out there?! WHAT IF YOU OWN HER OLD THING!?

  119. I laughed so hard I cried…and that was just halfway through the post. By the time I was done, the cats were hiding and my boyfriend was giving me worried looks because he could hear my hysterical laughter through the gaming sounds over his headphones. 😀

    I’m bookmarking this entry for those days when I can’t seem to laugh at anything.

  120. Oh. good. God. The packing peanuts with peeking heads. I can’t even. It gives me anxiety to know that is in your house. WHAT IF IT COMES TO LIFE?! You know, like Toy Story, but with cobras and chupacabras.

  121. I just promised a friend of mine that when we die and go to heaven, me, her, and you are going to run around the Elysian Fields and pose the angels in compromising positions. And they’ll have to take it, because we’ll OWN them.

    So, yeah. Get ready for that.

  125. I just recently got turned onto your site and I believe this is the funniest shit I have had the pleasure of reading in a while. You are my “cig break”! Thank you!

  126. This is just full of win. I will now have to seek out an equally distressed vintage cobra vs mongoose to pull together the eclectic decor of my home.

  127. Would you REALLY have traded Copernicus for that? I mean, it’s a great piece, and all, but Copernicus is like family. Weird family who may or may not be dangerous. Right?

  128. My sides hurt from laughing at this. What makes it all the better: Looking at the cards you made, and realizing there’s a “With Love” tag on the cobra.

  129. HOLY SHIT THERE’S MORE THAN ONE OF THOSE?!?!?! You have no idea. Something just like that, but with more fur was in my great grandmother’s formal living room my entire childhood. It freaked me out like crazy. My little brother too. He wrote a song about a mongoose named Gef and put the creepy snake thing in his video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyzQ-ZFSQic

  133. Remember how you “accidentally” put Beyonce’ outside of Victor’s office window?

    I’d be real leery about blowing open a closet or pantry door too quick now.

  135. Who would win in a fight to the death…Cobra, Mongoose or Zombie? Or is it automatically zombie because they are already dead?

  136. I’m totally buying one of those cards…. That’s why I’m not allowed to shop online without supervision either! Although I have never bought a cobra…..

  138. I had to explain to my parents why I needed a new computer and I didn’t have even a fraction of the grace you had with trying to explain the ferret/python.

  139. When I first saw the pic, I thought they were people size (Rodents of Unusual Size anyone? And an anaconda?) and I couldn’t imagine where in the heck you’d put them in a house. Hey, it’s been a long day. ;D I’m liking the picture of them peeking out of the box though. How you can stand Copernicus in your house and be creeped out by them, I’m not sure. Unless they’ve joined Copernicus in the garage, then it all makes sense.

    Love you and this post.

  140. Julie- #1!! I laughed so hard at your comment I scared my cube neighbor. And how do I possibly explain why I was laughing?

  141. I reckon a really good spot for that would be the front lawn: That way, when people drive by, they’ll be like, “HOLY SHIT, A COBRA AND A MONGOOSE ARE FIGHTING TO THE DEATH OVER THERE!!”

    And then their lives will be complete 😀

  142. I laughed so hard reading this. My eyes are still tearing. This seriously sounds like something that would/could happen in my house. Thanks for making my day.

  143. Having an unreasonable fear of all things taxidermy, I have to agree with Victor with regards to the value of that particular impulse buy (for obviously different reasons since I don’t believe he’s phobic).

    So for me, that is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m glad you’ve put it in the garage. Just don’t forget you put it there, and then later go to the garage and soil yourself. That would suck.

  145. This is one of the more awesome posts that has ever existed. It creeped me out from the first time I looked at it at the top of the post and it’s still creeping me out 8 minutes later… and will probably creep me out a year from now. Still… I’m encouraged there are still people like you around that look at that and find a thing of awesomeness. Y’all are quickly fading.

  149. Your husband should be grateful for the gift you have bestowed upon your household.

    Nom nom-ing cobras have now entered the pinterest world.

  150. “You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?”

    That may be one of Victor’s best summations ever.

    The size of the deathmatch is hard to judge in the first picture, so I could see how Victor might freak. But once seen in relation to packing peanuts or a cat, it seems like a pretty reasonable item. It is like a bookshelf size diorama.

  151. Reading this in class was a bad idea. I nearly choked to death on my laughter to keep everyone (including the teacher, who was in the middle of a demonstration/lecture) from looking at me like I was on crack.

    HILARIOUSLY worth it, though!

  152. Oh, Jenny, I worship you. You are so awesome. I love your blog. LOVE IT. That’s why I paid for a month-long sidebar ad for my publisher being for sale: the type people I’d want to work for as a writer are the type who read your blog—and GET it. (That’s not to say I won’t write for nerds. I’ll write for nerds too, as long as they can buy my publisher and keep it in business.) 🙂
    THANK YOU for making me laugh. At the end of the day, after teaching 4th graders how to write– I mean TRYING to teach 4th graders how to write– and after starting AND ending my day campaigning for somebody to buy my publisher so I can get out of publishing purgatory, I read your posts and laugh my ass off. And I thank you for that.

  153. I feel like my fear of cobras and various roadkill has held me back all these years. The good news is that my cousin is going into Taxidermy next year, so I’m planning to use it as an opportunity to get over my fear. (Apparently there are contests where you’re judged by how well you stuff the animals into various poses…like jazz hands and groin chops.)

    ps. Regarding your Blockbuster tapes, you don’t happen to have the movie “Splash” do you?
    I only ask because I recently found two copies (both from Blockbuster) stuffed in the back of my old bedroom closet.

    I can’t help but feel partially responsible for Darryl Hannah’s career downfall. Had I not been hoarding those tapes for the last 25 years, maybe she would have gotten more exposure and not ended up becoming a celebrity-turned convicted felon, arrested for protesting something about pipelines that I can’t be bothered to remember because like I said she’s a celebrity-turned- convicted felon.

  154. The first time I pointed my husband at your blog it was for you vs. Brand Link’s Jose Martinez battle. This time I pointed him to this entry. (And he said, “I’ll have to add this to my reading list.”) I will know when he has read this by the maniacal laughter and him saying “chupacabra” like that sergeant from some video game. Anyway, if you end up wanting to get rid of it, you can sell/send it to Trundle Manor.

  155. Victor needs a sign that says “oh my god how is this my life!!!!!?” and a picture of the cobra/mongoose clash beside it.

    I may need one, too. It’s been a weird year. But finding you helps make up for the rest.

  159. That’s just nasty. $300 dollars worth of nasty, so at least you got your money’s worth. I gotta side with Victor on this one. SERIOUSLY? WTF and *sigh* are waaay nicer responses than I’d get if I bought something like that. I bet your cat wants to gnaw their faces off.

  160. Once again, I’ve had to hide my head under my desk to keep everyone else in the office from hearing me laugh-snort. Of course, I usually just explain it away as a zombie apocalypse drill (lots of eye-rolls, but it’s not my fault if they all want to get eaten).

  162. *dissolves into ridiculously runny laughing poo*

    I thought you couldn’t get any better than Beyonce. I was wrong. I apologize!

  163. I can’t believe you didn’t do a romance card with Ferris Mewler and the cobra/mongoose(or naked mole rat) thing.
    Its a just screaming for…well, something.

  164. My dad brought one of those back from Thailand. It didn’t last one day; Mom told him it was fun over by a lawnmower. Wish I knew what she really did with it.

  167. Jenny…that romance card…oh god. I’m crying. I need like, 20 of these. I’m going to send them to everyone I know.

  169. I have been trying to decide who is Jennifer Grey and who is Patrick Swayze, and I just cannot choose. It’s probably like one of those short stories where not knowing is part of the point.

  170. I don’t know whether to be disturbed or to roll on the floor laughing! Hilarious and frightening all at the same time.

  171. Miss Bloggess, you make EVERYTHING IN MY WHOLE LIFE better.

    Even when you are having hardtimes or depressingtimes or everything-is-terrible-times, you are consistently the funniest writer I know about, and you do such awesome awesome things. I link you to everyone, because you are AWESOME. A friend was running around Dragon*Con with a Beyonce of her own, which made me squee in delight because of how awesome everything was.

    Basically, what I am clumsily trying to say, is that you are awesome and this post is awesome. Never stop being so rad, not that I think you could.

    ~Sor

  174. I think Ferris Mewler was probably fucking heartbroken that you took his toy away. He looks EXTREMELY happy in these photos.

  175. Next time I bring up my desire to own goats & chickens and my husband calls me crazy, I’m going to show him this and say, “at least the animals I want are alive! Who’s crazy now!?” (why isn’t there an interrobang punctuation mark on computers? We have the internet that allows us to follow other people’s taxidermy tales and we can’t have an interrobang?)

    ANYWAYS – that, of course, makes it sound like I think YOU’RE crazy, which I don’t. (Well, maybe a little, but in a good way!)

  177. I guess if it can be imagined, someone will already have made it.

    I’ll bet you could turn around and sell that sucker to one of us hundreds of commenters for a pretty profit. Doesn’t Victor understand that?

  178. And they sent it with a ‘with love’ tag? hahahaaaa Girl you are way too much awesomeness for one person!

  179. Omg you are so hilarious! I’m stealing “holy shitsnacks” as my new catchphrase.

  180. Bound together for eternity the only thing they regret is never having to courage to say “i love you” to each other.

  181. Your posts always brighten my day!
    I love the idea of creating a miniature version of this for your haunted dollhouse….

  182. omg. you make me cry from laughing so hard. I used to think my husband had the weirdest wife… now I know I have a twin out there somewhere who owns more cool crap than me….

  183. Okay, I just left my husband out in the living room with my twins, one of whom just hit her head, and the other removed from the surge protector, because I told him “I had to read something.” And it was totally worth it. But I really have to get back in there now.

  185. Personally, I don’t usually swear in comments, but you are just. fucking. brilliant. Seriously. I would love to live inside your mind for just an hour to see where all of this brilliance comes from. You always make me laugh until I cry—that is a gift to all of your readers. Thank you.

  188. Excellent, Smithers.

    This can only be improved by installing very small, remote control motors in your savage lethal killer action figures, and screening this wonderful film in the background. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yvdXO9N1D4

    If any of your friends or neighbors drive a Suzuki, they will especially love this, and laugh and laugh when you stage the death match under their car’s left front wheel.

    DIARY NOTE: If you still have these critters, stored next to the Blockbuster videotape no doubt, (please tell me it’s Snakes On A Plane!), they can become an integral part of your happy neighborhood Halloween decor.

    “Yes cute trick-or-treating children, the candy is over there in the box, under the packing peanuts. Just dig in and take all you want.”

    Be sure to buy lots of wine and to charge the video camera’s batteries.

  189. I can’t believe you bought that! You should totally regift that to a friend’s baby shower. Tell them it’s good luck. I bet she’d put it right next to the crib.

  190. Rikki-tikki-tavi (sp??) was much much cuter in my imagination. Thanks for ruining a beloved childhood memory of a horrific death match, *friend*.

  192. I read this while giving my kids a bath and I couldn’t stop giggling. My 4 year old daughter asked to see what was so funny, but I couldn’t show her. It would probably have given her nightmares.

  193. Holy cow. I was already laughing way too loud at your post, then the picture of Ferris Mewler just sent me over the edge. Phew.

  194. How have I never read this blog before? This is like candy, and I am now officially addicted. A friend of mine forwarded me this posting and I about fell out of my chair and pissed my panties. I’ve read funny before, but you so bring the clever.

    Your newest (and most likely obsessed) follower,
    AmericanBridget
    http://www.americanbridget.com

  196. If I were you I’d sell tickets to your white elephant gift exchange at christmas this year. if you were freaked out think about the person who didn’t order it!

  202. DAMNIT. This post is where I meant to post my comment that nobody reads anyway…

    Holy shit. Can I come live with you?

  203. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Which is not a good thing right now. Considering im on medication to try and become a baby maker and i have to drink water so im surprised i didnt piss on the couch and me. I cant stop laughing. And the card oh im so bookmarking this. I think ill be ordering that card. For when my husband things my scentsy habbit has gotten too much ( i sell the shit but im my own best customer)

    thank you for making my entire day. hot flashes and all.

  205. Yep, I think that’s one of those things that looks better in the store, like this sweater I’m wearing right now. Love the cards you’ve made with it, though. Talk about making lemonade out of cobras and mongeese. (?)

  207. Omg, I’m crying. The hilarity. Also, “This is just like gum” is my new justification for anything I buy. Awesome.

  208. The Amazing Thing is that they had a rental policy, as if it was a question they get every day. Did you ask if had already BEEN rented? Was there any damage? Was there a mileage limit? Do they have any other death-scene taxidermy for rent? Is the cost higher for holidays? I have some Xmas ideas in mind…

  211. this made me want dessert – i’m thinking something cakey not chewy – cause honey badgers are for chewy and when it turned out to be a mongoose cakey was the obvious best choice

  212. Jenny-Bloggess:
    Will you be my heterosexual life-partner? Seriously, you make me LMFAO all the time.
    <3 😉

  217. 1) I am so glad I didn’t get to see this at work. They would’ve carted me off.
    2) What worries me most about the dialogue is that I would’ve been Victor and my late hatband would’ve been you.
    3) You need to name them. You have Beyonce and Copernicus. Might I suggest Rudyard for the mongoose and Kipling for the cobra?

    Respectfully submitted…

  219. I love that whenever my husband thinks I’m being outrageously odd, I can always come to your blog and say “No, I could always be buying a mongoose/cobra statue that the cats would love” and suddenly he’s a little more appreciative of me.

  220. Oh Jenny, I do not think I can even put into words how much I love this post and you! I’ve had a migraine that started yesterday morning and won’t let go and I sooooo needed to see a new post from you!! They say laughter is the best medicine. We’ll see if it works better than Vicodin. 🙂

  223. I haven’t always agreed with what you write but now I will — because you have a mongoose and a cobra. There’s no arguing with that.

  224. I have never in my life seen anything so hideous and amazing at the same time. Although I have to admit, I’m glad it’s in your garage, and not mine.

  225. Oh my gosh…is there really a tag on it that says, “With Love”? hahahahahahahahahaha

  226. Ok,this reminds me of my former pastor who would stop the car and make his kids get out when
    they saw road kill…they would all poke it with a stick…everytime I went to church I would
    think of him poking road kill with a stick…I will probably think of cobra/whatever the shit that is everytime I see your tweets or Facebook posts…I just can not unsee that shit.

  228. HILARIOUS! Loved this! I had to read it to my husband (who after the Beyonce post became wary of me because he realized that I would totally do the same thing to him without hesitation).

  231. You are absolutely the only person I’ve ever known that could possibly make this seem like a good use of money.

    Of course if your collection of eclectic animals ever come back to life one night you’re totally fucked, but since the chances of that are slim, I say “congratulations”.

    You shoulda sent out a card like when people adopt a baby.

  232. The only thing, I can see, that is wrong in the post is that you “GASP” were willing to barter Copernicus off like some old rag. Really, Jenny. You’ve gone too far this time!

  233. Is it mongeese or mongooses. I’ll just stick with the honey badger. Also? When you first posted the photo, I thought it was as large as a coffee table…with F.Mewler for reference, it appears much smaller. However, if Ferris Mewler is a MINIATURE cat, I’m screwed.

  234. I just want to say thank you!!! Every time I read your posts I end up in tears usually curled up on the floor gasping for breath with my husband standing over me shaking his head.

    It’s the best part of my day!

  235. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

    Thank you. I needed that, I pretty sure you just prevented someone from sustaining grievous bodily harm from me. I think it was Hannibal Lecter who said it best – “the world is far more interesting with you in it.”

    I’m calling shenanigans on the Nobel committee.

  237. Oh.
    See, I thought the “GET MY LAWYER” status on twiiter was in response to the BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING of the item for sale.
    CLEARLY these two animals were taller than the blue bookshelf that is pictured behind them. This was a battle scene of prehistoric proportions.
    I was SURE your gasp was due to the miniaturization that occurred post-purchase.
    Oh well, guess not.

  240. 1) to Feryxlim, comment 179—Have you forgotten that Love means never having to say you’re sorry?
    2) I seriously want a t-shirt with a picture of Copernicus hugging the mongoose, with “holyshitsnacks” written under their picture!
    3) Jenny, I’m surpried and a little dismayed at your willingness to part with Copernicus. But if you’re really ready to set him free, I’m thinking you should use him to make some big bucks for Christmas again. Do you remember the guy who started with a red paperclip and “traded up” until he had a house from it? Here’s a link to that story:
    http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/
    The idea is only half baked on my part at this point, but Copernicus could be your ‘red paperclip’ and with your loyal following, you could probably shoot for pretty much anything as the end goal involved. Think about it….I’m sure you’re better at baking half baked ideas into whole ones! ((((Hugs))))

  241. WOMAN! Those animals are hilarious and terrifying at the same time!
    I’m moving in.
    i’ll be like a sister wife but not actually a sister wife.
    I’ll clean though, so there’s that.

  242. I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing I found this. I want an entire comic book about these two. They are crying out for back story and characterization. I feel like the mongoose was probably put in charge of his father’s small sandwich shop but due to the circumstances of the economy he had to close it down when the cobra opened a Subway franchise down the street.

  244. I’m laughing uncontrollably, but I’m a little disappointed because in the original picture I thought it was like 20 feet high and I thought you could ride it. I was picturing it dominating a two-story foyer and of course delighting trick or treaters.

  246. I laughed until I nearly cried and had to be quiet because my friend is on the phone with her mom…. I’m so buying several of those cards (comparison) so that when I spend like another $200 on fabric my husband doesn’t choke me for it. It really makes him mad when I spend that much to only make a garment or two. Also, you’re the best. <3

  247. The packing peanuts make them look ten times more awesome. They look like hideous, decapitated creatures.

  249. My day no longer sucks. Thanks Jenny!
    (PS My uncle had one of these when I was a kid. He always said to never touch the snakes fangs in case there was crystallized venom. You might want to let Ferris Mewler know.)

  250. Uh oh! Did someone give you keys to their car and let you run loose in Cuero?!?! That’s seriously the only town I can imagine that would have such a lovely rendition of the chupacabra vs python. That’s the only town I would totally avoid if I were you. Seriously, the antiques are great there but the popo’s, well, they’re a fable all by themselves!

  251. I am printing this post, putting it on the fridge and going on a obscure vinyl record buying spree which may or may not exceed $298US … when The Man complains I’m going to “mongoose/cobra” and all will be forgiven. (Until I start playing the records.)

    Also, use the same excuse when I go Doc Martteen shopping. (Mid-life crisis. He’s lucky I don’t buy a 20 year old … unfortunately, I still remember sleeping with said 20 year olds.)

  252. True story: when I was 10, I went to Thailand with my parents and these stuffed mongoose/cobra battle-scenes were *everywhere* in all the best tourist shops and I was *fascinated* with them, and even at 10 I was sure I would never see anything more amazing in my entire life and I wanted one more than anything ever (before or since), but didn’t dare ask because I was pretty sure my parents would just leave me in Thailand (they were cool enough to take me to Thailand, but have limits).

    That they’ve found the most appropriate home in the entire world makes me so happy! Thank you.

  254. The “Honey look what I didn’t buy” card needs a mate or two A Beyonce or possibly a stack of towels. We have a fruit stand near us that sell the 5 ft tall metal chickens and I keep threatening to buy one.

    But we just celebrated 10 years so I have to wait a little while longer. Which make me wonder if they have a lay away plan? I guess I could just get it now and store it at my parents. They have been married 56 years now so they should have a metal Flamingo, right? Oh they sell those too. Want one?

  255. This post made me furiously happy! I was having a bummer of a day and now I feel so much better.

    As always, your blog has given my day meaning. Thank you.

  256. I know where you purchasedthat beauty. They have a squirel band but want 1300 buks for it! Ouch!

  258. If you love the mongoose/cobra death match from Dolly Python, you HAVE to visit DeRidder Antiques in Forney. They have some of the strangest/creepiest things I’ve ever seen. I’m not affiliated with them in any way, just sort of fascinated. Can’t go there too often or I have nightmares. Here’s an example … http://www.deridderantiques.com/holiday02.html

  259. Is it completely effed up that I covet your and victor’s relationship? My and my husband’s relationship is just so normal. No metal chickens, mounted warthog heads or conversations about our navigation system. (which is still to this day my all time favorite post of yours or anyone’s.

  260. I love you to infinity. Plus five, or however many taxidermied creatures you own/have owned. I say way to have a hobby.

  265. This is so great. In fact, it would be great even without the reminder of when you bought the giant metal rooster, but the cobra-rat tableau vivant after the metal rooser is totally awesome!

  266. As I was reading this, I had to keep scrolling back up to that first photo because my mind refused to hold onto the image for longer than 14 or 15 seconds and I had to keep double checking to make sure that I had, in fact, seen the statue correctly.

  270. I was going to comment, but then I had to go change my clothes cuz I wet myself I was laughing so hard! You are my hero!

  271. I’ve heard of rent-a-friend in Japan but this rent-a-dead-animal could take off too.

    Soon after poochy the poodle gets run over by the lawnmower…
    Maam, can I rent your shredded poodle? I promise to return him in the same state.

  272. The I-just-bought-shoes/Beyonce/towels card is like the best self-fulfilling prophecy EVAH. I will most definitely buy this card. Then, because I forget mail exists, my fiance will undoubtedly be the one to pick it up and open it. And then he’ll be all, “WTF why did you spend money on this?” and I’ll be all, “So I could give it to you RIGHT NOW to show you that I did NOT spend money on a taxidermied honey badger/cobra death match combo. Aren’t I the best ever? Appreciate me, dammit.” I won’t even have to wait until I buy something bad … It’s perfect!

  273. OH that is awesome! LOL Thanks for the laugh. I need more humor in my day. 😀 Wheels are turning on ways to freak my kids out like that..hehehehe

  274. The romance card is beautiful. But, since I work in the legal field…the cat harassment photo would probably come in handy more often in my daily life.

    I’m really glad this…um…art is keeping all the other cobras and mongeese out of your garage. That alone is worth the purchase price.

  277. I woke my wife up laughing too hard in the bed over a dead cobra… yeah, “dead cobra” “the bed” and “woke my wife” IS what I said, can we just ignore the “laughing”?

  279. I feel totally validated that my impulse shopping is not as bad as this. I feel like I have won! Thanks for this self-esteem boost 😀

  280. Holy crap, that thing is horrible. I hate snakes, but overcame my phobia to read the entire post.
    All I can say is.. you have a true gem in Victor. He understands the Best Kind of Fucked Up.

  284. For the record, I thought the cobra/mongoose was like, person sized, and thought you were buying something to go along with the giant chicken. It’s terrifying, and thank you for making my entire week with this post. 🙂

  286. The best part about this is that I am absolutely completed TERRIFIED of snakes, and yet I couldn’t NOT read it. Hilarious, as always.

  287. That’s really nice ceramic floor tile you have. Did you get it at – HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A MONGOOSE AND A COBRA LOCKED IN MORTAL COMBAT? I totally did not see that at first. Wow.

  288. I just had a though….you and Victor are todays version of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnas only much more off the wall and scarier. You really need to start talking to a producer.

  289. Dear God,
    Thank you for putting Jenny on this earth to share her life and stories with us. After an evening of dealing with a 16 year old boy on his man period who’s pissed because he’s not allowed to hang out in his room with his girlfriend anymore because we know they’ve started doing the deed. I. Needed. This.

    Hearts,
    Anna
    P.S…. I’m going to start purchasing random objects that annoy everyone in my house but me… don’t judge.

  291. I really love that someone could give the cobra and mongoose a home, thank you.

  292. I have an actual snake phobia which means even looking at pictures of snakes practically gives me a panic attack and I still managed to read through this whole post but now I’m convinced THERE IS A SNAKE UNDER MY DESK. Thanks a lot, Jenny. Also I just had to type the word ‘snake’ like four times and even THAT is enough to give me the heebie jeebies.

  293. The thing that upsets me the most is how many of your readers have seen one just like it. This should not have been made once, much less multiple times.

  295. I totally think you should improve the mongoose with that Martha Stewart glitter they sell at Micheal’s. In day of the dead designs. Maybe Martha would love it so much, she would have you on her show! Or, maybe she’d call the cops because you sent her a threatening card with dead stuff on it, but I try to keep a positive attitude.

  298. I think your cobra honey-badger death match decor would make a fine centerpiece on your table for Thanksgiving this year. Or any day, really. The honey-badger could even be used for a candle holder in a pinch. Thanks for the laugh!

  300. OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!!!! I about wet myself reading this! Clearly we were meant to be BFFs, but we just haven’t met. You are freakin’ awesome!

  301. Very funny. I like the zazzle cards A LOT! But, then you are probably more romantical than most people.

  302. My cat would totally do the exact same thing. He has to rub his face all over EVERYTHING, and even gets amorous with my frickin’ Waterpik irrigator tip (WTF, cat???). As a matter of fact, he and Ferris even almost look alike, except for the extra toe -thingy. However, my cat won’t ever get a chance to get amorous with a taxidermied cobra and mongoose/honeybadger, cuz I’m not really into dead animals. However, I’m glad that you are – I laughed so hard at this post I cried!

  303. Your cards are amazing! Can you make some Copernicus Christmas Cards? That would be kick ass!

  304. You could totally make a birthday card out of this.

    Cobra: She is too older than dirt!

    Mongoose: Bitch PLEASE! I will rip your throat out if you talk about my old ass friend like that again! Don’t worry (Insert name of friend here) I got your back!

    And scene.
    (I hope I used the right “too” in there because spelling and grammar are going to really be a stand out feature on this particular card.

    Lori

  305. Okay, I totally don’t get Victor. He draws the line at hand towels, but he only *slightly* mocks the rent vs. buy honey badger/cobra death match argument?
    You, Jenny, are hilarious. Victor, seriously, is almost cooler than @wilw. Almost. Well, no, maybe more. Not sure, but the point is, I’m a bit frightened that of the two of you, I can say that you are consistent and Victor, not so much.

  307. If I carry on reading your blog I’m going to need oxygen on standby because I can’t breathe for laughing… but what a way to go!

  310. I love that Victor’s response is, “Who is this?”

    If you two had been around in the 1950s, they would not have needed to invent television.

  311. This makes me miss my husband (who died in July 2010) so much, because he would TOTALLY get this – and further, he’d point out that mongeese are related to meerkats, and pull out his PDA to show you some pictures he took of baby meerkats, and then suggest that we could set up a mini-version of this with a baby meerkat battling an earthworm, and possibly find someone online who could do a perfect Lego version of it too. That’s what he would do if he could read this post, and I miss him so much, because there is no one else out there as crazy as he was.

  312. OMG — you made me laugh & cry again! What if your cobra/mongoose death match made house calls like Beyonce? Finding that on my front porch would really give me perspective.

  313. For someone who claims to be afraid of zombies, you collect a lot of scary weird-ass dead critters that are now in close proximity to your vital organs when that time (aka apocalypse) comes. Just sayin’ Chances of survival likely higher the less potentially “undead” creatures with whom surround yourself.

  315. Funniest post ever *and* you quote Pam from Archer: “holy shitsnacks”…love that show! And Nutter Butters…they really are delicious…

  316. I just stumbled on your blog and I have never laughed so hard! You are crazy and I love you! I am a fan forever!

  318. This post is hysterical but I want that ginormous monkey made of flip flops that Dingo posted a link to!

  319. Today’s was especially hilarious. Probably it’s because I like complicated story lines. Or because you are a comedic genius. Yeah. Yeah, we’ll go with that second one 😉

  320. SCORE!
    Now, instead of being stuck reading about Amish-on-Amish crime, we’ve got Mongoose-on-Cobra crime (with Ferris Mewler refereeing). That, my friends, is called genius, and it’s spelled B-L-O-G-G-E-S-S!

  321. Oh. My. God. I used to HAVE one of those. My Pakistani neighbor gave it to me. My first husband hated it and made me throw it out. I had no idea how much it was worth. HE THREW OUT THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS WORTH OF STUFFED COBRA/MONGOOSE WIN.

    There are many reasons why I replaced him with New! Improved! husband. This is now one of them.

  322. Jenny, please keep writing! thank you for the absolute laughter and awesomeness you bring to my day. <3

  323. *sigh* Rikki-Tikki-Tavi —- What can I say Victor, you plucked a memory chord. I wish we could all be so RANDOM!! Then again, I don’t. If we were all so random, this would not be as stellar as it is :o)

  325. Ferris Mewler is like the Pepe Le Pew of dead things. I cannot take all the credit for remembering Pepe Le Pew and his amorous ways, I was recently reminded by another blog reader, who knows how to work an accent agiu.

  326. That is horrifically awesome! I like the postcard that says, “Get my lawyer!” I was laughing and snorting out loud. Again. At midnight, when everyone else WAS asleep. I guess my laughter was rather loud. It’s ALL YOUR FAULT, Jenny! Don’t worry, I love you anyways. HUGS!

  327. I need to find something to buy that will drive my husband that nuts. I haven’t managed that yet, and I think it really needs doing.

  328. I can understand this. When my youngest brother got married, my mother and I found a truly disgusting, poorly-taxidermied iguana in a shop in Ensenada and bought it for him as a wedding gift. And shipped it to Australia, where the wedding was being held. I’m told that he loved it, but his fiancee, not so much. And, oddly enough (or maybe not) somewhere I have a snapshot of my cat Major Barbara having much the same kind of encounter with the iguana as Ferris Mewler had with your mongoose. This all happened about fifteen years ago, so you can tell Victor that there is a precedent for this kind of thing. Sort of.

  329. OK, I’m reduced to making squeaky/wheezy noises at my desk from trying to keep from laughing too loudly at work. Thank you for this. And I’m afraid I would have been right there with Victor going “Wtf?” in trying to keep up with your conversation. 🙂 (Although in fairness, the mongoose really does need a sweater…)

  330. I love this part, it’s a classic:

    “Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?”

    happens to me all the time. also, is your brain for rent? I promise to return it (unlike your block buster movies), I just find it very amusing. and I have no cats. that has to get me a discount

  331. Oh Jenny…I do truly love you!!

    “me: Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?”

    –I totally pissed myself right there….

    The cards are absolute genius!!! I am putting a couple of the “at least I didn’t buy this” cards in my cart right.now. I did a little retail therapy today and they might just do the trick 🙂

    You’re the best!
    Sherry

  332. This is absolutely hilarious. Apparently you and I are exact opposites, because I found the thing creepy until Ferris Mewler got involved, at which point it became adorable (except for the blood apparently dripping from the mongoose’s mouth, but with a sufficiently cute cat in the picture, I can kind of ignore that).

    We definitely agree on one thing, though: renting this would have been a terrible investment.

  333. Your experience is, as yet, incomplete! You need some guy mansplaining in the comments as to why you’re a terrible wife, and then some well-meaning ninny to explain to you why you need to donate an additional $300 to charity to balance out your karma. This is the internet, after all.

    You also need a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty version of this for your Haunted Doll House! That would be so cool!

  334. Best cards ever!! I’m getting the one for when you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power tools – but am using it to potentially win an argument that’s been going on for three years about whether I do or do not need a chainsaw – I say the important part of getting a chainsaw is the fact that you never know when you’re going to need it, therefore buying early is important – my fiance’ says I am an insurance claim waiting to happen…thanks to cobra/honey badger death match though, I may win this one!! Do they make cordless chainsaws?

  335. Oh my god! My mum has one almost identical to this!!! I thought she was the only one in the world!! She totally thinks it’s awesome and is really proud of it. She displays it right near the front door on a table. Not sure how it got to Australia as we don’t have cobras or mongoose….
    Personally I’m not a fan, but I respect your right to own stuffed animals in a death match.
    Victor needs to loosen up a bit. I mean, he’s awesome for enduring through giant metal chickens and such, but he needs to get in the spirit of things. Yeah, the ‘I just bought a cobra and mongoose in a death match’ spirit.

  338. The person who came up with the idea of sending this beautiful piece around …is totally a genius. We should do it. Start by sending it with money for the next person to ship it, then they ship it with the money in there for the next person and photos get posted on a Flickr page with each stop. We’d need a list of people who get it next so it stays on track but… come on. Don’t let something so…so…beautiful… sit all abandoned in your garage! That thing deserves to see the WORLD!

  339. You should make the second card with another inside saying:
    Guess what I didn’t buy today!
    TOWELS!!
    I love reading your blog! I never know what I’m going to find and that is PHENOMENAL!! If you didn’t live so far away I would stalk you!! Not really, cause in TX there are most likely snakes in the bushes that I’d be hiding in… and I don’t have a rabid mongoose/honeybadger to fight them off!!!

  341. I’m inspired to purchase something as flagrantly fucked up as this for my husband four our anniversary. Year two is taxidermy, right? Also, I think they need names.

  342. I remember when you first tweeted about this, the funny thing is when I first saw the cobra and mongoose I totally recognized it!! well, not the mange bit. My in-laws have the same thing (but the mongoose has hair) in their house. I wonder if the are long lost twins. I will have to take a photo the next time I am over at the in-laws. It could be the long lost Japanese relatives of the mongoose and cobra, separated at birth/death and halfway around the world. Do ask them if they know of any missing relatives next time you are out in your garage.

  343. Thanks for making me laugh out loud again – you are fantastically and hysterically amusing!!

  344. My boyfriend and I love your blog. He read this and laughed so hard he started to cry and stopped making noise. He had the same reaction to the story about Beyonce. I find this to be a very good sign, because if we get married, we’ll probably have a lot of conversations similar to the ones you have with victor. I forsee a giant metal chicken in our future. Or a monkey like Copernicus.

  346. You’ve totally made sense out of my wanting to order a simple disco ball with colored lighting for my living room. My husband should definitely think me sane after I show him what Victor has to put up with. LOVE LOVE LOVE your stuff.

  349. I don’t think that I have ever laughed so hard….. well at least not since beyonce 🙂

  352. I think you should put these two, Beyonce with her flying pig friend and Copernius on display in the garage or the back yard and then charge admission. Then you could buy more disturbing friends for the menageire and claim the purchases as business expenses. Could it get any better?

  354. BWAAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!! This may be the hardest I’ve ever laughed by myself in a room! I <3 you so much oh divine Bloggess!

  355. Hey Jenny,

    I should start by saying that i am a real fan of your blog. Today’s post is hilar – OMG i laughed so hard when i read it that i spat some of my lunch on my keyboard. My lunch today was leftover curry that smelled dubious – i’m hoping that this smell will linger in my office long enough to dissuade my boss from coming to chat to me/give me more work.

    Stinky lunches aside, i found the best taxidermied piglet on that website and just conned my poor long- suffering boyfriend into buying it for me for my birthday. I’m going to call him Boris. I conned my partner into purchasing Boris on the understanding that i won’t put him in any common area of our home – little does he know that i think that Boris will be a nice addition to my office (as he will probably enjoy the smell of curry and scare my boss enough that he will never come into my office again).

    Anyway – the curry smell and the piglet and the consequently happy work space that i now have (and will have once i receive boris the piglet) are all thanks to you 🙂

  356. If I had access to such awesomeness depicted in the titanic struggle between mange and scale, and that awesomeness was for sale there would have been a surreptitious, furtive reach toward my wallet, then a determined flourish of credit card…

    My wife hates me at times… like the time I wen’t looking for a new laptop-mouse and returned with a lump of no fire clay and a set of clay sculpting tools.

    The clay is still in the fridge – we don’t talk about it anymore…

  358. Okay, so when I read this post I died of laughter. I almost couldn’t read it. Me and my husband are a lot like you and Victor, except that I live in a one bedroom apartment and therefore don’t have the room for taxidermied animals. So I immediately had to go find you some more.

    First, there is this museum that you just have to get Victor to go to!

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/8059876/Walter-Potters-Museum-of-Curiosities-bizarre-Victorian-collection-of-stuffed-animals-goes-on-show-again.html?image=4

    And second, you must visit this store. This line explains it all: And if you should ever find yourself in New York City, be sure to stop by and say hello to those fun folks who make Obscura Antiques and Oddities so very weird and wacky. Whether you’re shopping for a new skull to add to your collection, a stuffed cryptid, or you desperately need a vampire killing kit, Obscura has just that morbid little piece. A nightmare to some; a dream come true for others, but one thing is for certain… Obscura Antiques and Oddities “ain’t your grandma’s antique shop.”

    http://www.theexpressionist.com/2011/05/15/obscura-antiques-and-oddities-the-little-shop-of-horrors/

    But seriously, this taxidermy stuff is funny. This is my favorite:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/prettydaisies/2844312518/

  359. I’m pretty sure if I were to stay just one night in your house I would suffer from recurrent nightmares that will haunt me a lifetime. The sheer idea of opening a package and seeing those two faces popping out? Dude I would have had a priest round to exorcise the whole box immediately.

    Also, I kind of feel sorry for Ferris Mewler. He’s got a tough choice of love ahead of him, it’s the age old story

    Cat meets dead badger
    Cat violates dead badger
    Cat meets dead cobra
    Cat violates dead cobra too
    Cat must choose between which dead species to spend the rest of his misunderstood, pretty much illegal life with.

  363. This blog almost got me sacked. I foolishly opened it in work [I just cant resist you, i try but i cant] and snorted coffee over my desc in front of my supervisor. Questions were asked, weapons were brandished, police were called…. can i come stay in your garage for a while until it all calms down a bit?

  364. I found this really funny and love your writing but Victor is a saint. This is really funny from an outsider looking in but if I were the supervisor I would lose the few hairs I still have on my head.

  365. OMG do you know how far down I had to scroll, hysterical and the only thing I can think of is my friend Kate who ordered 12″ salt and pepper penis’s and had to go and collect them from the Post Office because the packaging had broken…..

  368. Just when I thought that Copernicus and ”knock knock motherfucker” metal chicken were brilliant you bring out another winner… AND I live in South Africa so I’m totally loving this vibe! Classic.

  370. You know how cats bring their people dead animals to show their love? I think Ferris Mewler believes you brought him the cobra/mongoose death scene to show your love. It would be a sin to hide that in the garage. Surely Ferris Mewler would like to have it around to curl up with at night.

    Also, just curious, did Victor know what he was getting into when he married you? Cause he seems infintely patient. My husband would have checked me into the funny farm by now if I brought home your amazing finds. As it is I, as it seems many others, hold you up as a comparison for him to see that really he has it good, cause my crazy barely lets me leave the house and hoard money so much that every trip to the grocery store causes a panic attack.

    Finally, I love you. Really. You make me feel so much better about my own crazy.

  373. I love you! The picture of your cat trying to make out with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and the cobra just made my day and it’s only 8:22 am. Score!

    When are you publishing a book? Beacuse I would buy a book – and it wouldn’t just sit there and decorate my bookshelf…I would read the whole thing.

    AND I would love to buy your cards from your shop and give them out. I totally get why they’re funny, but people I know don’t understand my humor and they wouldn’t think your cards are funny (sorry – it’s unfortunate), they’d just think I’m weird for giving them a card with a cobra on it. I made my friend a birthday card and on the inside there were pop-up pictures of me in a cat costume when I was 6 and a picture of my husband when he had a mullet (which he had from the age of birth until 13 – I like to try and forget that part. Oh, and there were racing stripes, too). So anyway, my friend thought it was cute and understood that, IN CASE he suddenly stopped being able to read, he would know who the card was from because of the pictures. His wife though, she was all, “Why are there pictures? I don’t get it. Who IS that?” And then I realized that I could never give your cards out to my friends.

  374. *the scene is a Victorian living room, replete with lacy curtains and ornate pink-velvet tufted setees*

    Wife: Honey, you know I think that Victrola in the corner needs…something…I’m not sure what…to complete the vignette.

    Husband: Perhaps a crystal vase with some fresh-cut red roses would please my love?

    Wife: (frowning) No, no, no…that will never do. I was thinking perhaps a cobra and mongoose in a struggle to the death.

    And so this lovely work of art was born and years later when the family was holding an estate sale to make enough money to buy that new RV they wanted Manny the Mongoose and Coraline the Cobra ended up in an antique shop. Who knew they’d eventually gain Internet fame when a crazed blogger would spot them and fall in love?

    This, this is why I never get rid of anything anymore. Ever…and they call it “hoarding”…pssshhh..

  378. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be privy to a cobra-mongoose-cat threesome today. But isn’t that the beautiful thing about life? You just never know where it might lead.

  379. Well, no it’s obvious that you NEED to display the statue in a very public place and when Victor says something like “Can’t you hide that thing somewhere?!” you can say, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Then, Victor will be all, “What baby?” And you’d go “Surprise!??”

    This could be sheer epic-ness. Fur real.

  382. Apparently screaming at your co-workers “YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THE LATEST” is frowned upon in this establishment…

  383. Oh Gods… the noises I made reading this. I think my roommates thought I was having a fit or something.

    I’m not sure if I want to marry someone like Victor in future, or someone like you. Either way we’ll never be bored.

  384. This is just too good and too bizarre. I can’t believe you actually bought the thing. Plus, in the first picture at the shop, the duo look about 8 feet tall. I thought it was a giant cobra fighting a dinosaur. I think my dogs would have ripped them up and the cat would run screaming.

  385. Swear to the heavens, my in-laws have one of these. It sits on the mantle. NO F”ING LIE, YO!

  386. I have a new appreciation for Victor. And? I love the cards! Maybe you will make up the money you wasted, I mean spent, on the death match in card sales. Then? Totally worth it.

  388. As one of the newly converted devotees of your blog — although BEFORE the Jose Death Match — I must say, I friggin love you. I am also disconcerted by those members of my immediate circle who don’t get it. What’s THAT about??? Reading your blogs, and the brilliant comments, I have come to understand that A) I am putting my gainful employment at risk and B) ** I Have Found My People!! ** Where ARE y’all?? When’s the Reunion? We could wear matching “Please Stand By For a Demonstration of Relevancy” shirts!! Yes!! Yes!!

  389. Cats are pervs. Especially ones with extra toes. They like to pull lingerie out of drawers and shit. (not that I’d know from experience.)

  390. A friend posted this on Facebook and I had to reshare it. I haven’t laughed this hard in way too long! Ferris Mewler is the best! And now he has new friends to play with–how sweet!

  391. The most disturbing thing about this is that so many people claim they, or someone they knew, used to have one of these. They were mass producing these things somewhere??

    I was thinking the same thing as comment #333. When will the scoldy comments start? The “mansplainers” always show up when her posts wind up on fark.com. I’m not sure about the charity lecturers. They are probably mommy bloggers who can’t afford to buy anything frivolous so they have to chastise people who do.

  392. JENNY.

    It is a perfectly reasonable and logical thing to now begin scripting your annual holiday musicale, featuring every one of your creatures. I propose Ferris Mewler Learns The Meaning Of Christmas.

  393. Your exchanges with Victor make me laugh until I cry.
    Probably because there are similar conversations in my house on a regular basis…and now I know we’re not crazy. Cause…it’s not crazy if we’re not the only ones….right?

  394. I also thought the snake-mongoose thing was a lot bigger based on the first picture. Really, at first I thought the flared hood on the cobra was a regular snake’s open mouth facing sideways with a possum sticking out of it. A giant python-chupacabra-possum statue would TOTALLY be worth $300. But for this I think you got ripped off 🙁

  395. I am going to get fired because of this post. Can.not.stop.laughing. Jenny, you are true genius. Love, love, love, love you.

  396. is it just me or did they wash that awesome cobra/mongoose death match of doom on hot & put it in the dryer before they sent it too you… appears much larger in the 1st picture… you weren’t sent a REPLICA were you?

  398. TOTALLY worth the wait. It’s amazing that someone had this made. Wouldn’t you love to know the story of its origin?
    I think this would be awesome outside the house to frighten would-be trick-or-treaters. 🙂

  399. Dear Bloggess:
    I’m inspired. I rarely send out Christmas cards but this year I’d like a variety pack of Capernicus, Beyonce and Cobra/mongoose. Please oblige!
    Shelly

  400. Everyone knows that if it was the REAL Rikki Tikki Tavi…the cobra wouldn’t stand a chance. Also…be sure Ferris Mewler’s shots are up to date. lol I have a creepy suspicion he will not be practicing safe intercourse.

  401. Jenny – Thankyou! Thankyou for being you and sharing it with us. I often read out your blogs to my husband whilst he looks at me slightly baffled. I then have to scream – HOW DO YOU NOT GET THIS?! Sometimes he does. It’s soooo good to know that others out there think like me xxxx

  403. Once again, this is hilarious! I love that you forgot that you had ordered the sculpture thing and it freaked you out – though understandably so…it looks creepy. At least the cat is enjoying it…maybe a little too much?!
    Much love,
    B

  404. And just think – some rich guy (with an obvious love of animals) PAID to have that made!

  405. Dear Victor –

    I believe that based on the nature of your lovely wife’s business, this is most likely a tax write off. That makes it a completely sound investment. cha-ching.

    I would totally hang that on the wall in my kitchen. I’m just saying.

  408. You’ve managed to render me speechless. That never happens. My husband wants to send you a payment, as a token of his appreciation. Address?

  409. Victor is lucky to have you… he just obviously does not realize this yet… or maybe the conversations sound better without his realization. A co-worker actually had to ask me if I was okay (from the other side of the office “Wall” while I was reading this, xoxo

  410. Thank you for being you. Now I can show my husband these blogs and go ” See I could be buying Whole dead things, not just their antlers and covering them in twinkle lights.Count your blessings.”

  411. First a big chicken, now a cobra/mongoose carving. Can you let me know when your next yard sale is? PLEASE!

  413. Words cannot describe how fucking hilarious that is. And how fucking frightening that is. Awesome. =)

  414. Oh my God…this is seriously the best thing EVER.

    I also wanted to let you know that because of you I now have an-what *some* people might call-unhealthy addiction to taxidermied animals…I just say that those people don’t understand the creative genius that’s behind it..That’s art, motherfuckers.

    Also when I was googling how to spell “taxidermied” because Firefox was telling me I spelled it wrong, I came across this: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1127138244.html <–Taxidermied hampsters for sale…this is a direct quote: "Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren't moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still."

    Seriously. Awesome.

  418. So, when I saw the first picture I did not look at the surroundings and thought this was like a 6 foot tall cobra. My second thought was this would be awesome lawn art…riki tiki and the cobra going at it while Beoynce watches…epic.

  420. OMG. I lived in San Antonio for a couple years and never found a Beyonce, Copernicus or honey badger/cobra battle. The closest I ever came to were all the dead armadillos that I wanted to pick up along the road and have taxedermied (it’s a new word).

    You, The Bloggess, rule my mornings. Waking up to your post is like waking up to a bowl full of sunshine.

    They should totally be used for your next knock, knock mother fucker door display!

  421. I completely understand the scaring yourself thing. I did it, in the middle of Target on a busy Saturday afternoon, TO MYSELF. I pushed the “test me” button on a striking snake, flinched and screamed when it did exactly what I already knew it was going to do. I then laughed so hard at my own stupidity I almost peed my pants. Dumbass indeed.

    P.S. Just when I think Ferris Mewler can’t get any cuter, he does.

  424. This is my dance space… this is your dance space. Spaghetti Arms!

    Please add me to waiting list for Cobra-Honey Badger-Death-Match rental services.

    KTHXBAI

  425. LOL @Stephanie!!! I thought this was 6ft tall as well. I thought to myself, HOW FUCKING FABULOUS. It’s WAY better than beyonce!!

    Then I was sad and yet intrigued by it’s tiny size. It was then I decided I needed this for myself.

  426. Gee, you put them out in the garage. Won’t they get cold during the winter. Maybe you should see if someone has handmade mongoose and python coats so those two don’t get cold in your garage. Just saying.

  427. Have you seen what I can only assume is the maggot infested deer head that was posted on their blog a few days ago? It looks like a natural friend for copernicus….

  428. Based on the first picture, I thought they would be much bigger– I have to admit, I’m a bit disappointed.

  430. Oh for fuck’s sake – dumbass indeed! I didn’t mean to post my e-mail for all the world to see. If you could make my e-mail dissappear from that post or just delete the post altogether, that would be great. I can’t take me anywhere. *sigh*

  433. Growing up, our creepy next door neighbor had one of these delightful displays of nature next to her fireplace, as well as a menacing bobcat ready to pounce from the stairway, and a baby alligator wrapped around an ashtray next to the sofa. I feared that house and that woman, but had completely forgotten about it…until now. Thanks for the memories!

  434. What a bitch… I can’t believe you took Ferris Mewler’s unhealthy obsession and stashed it in your GARAGE. Really, Jenny? Do you really want to be the rebound that badly?

    You could have at least given it a week and saved your ankles the horror of desperate cat-humping misery.

  435. In two words or less: HOLY FUCK.

    This is probably one of the best posts of ever. THIS is why the Internet was invented.

  436. Oh my god, I love everything about this.

    Your husband is a saint. One, for referencing Kipling, and two, for referencing Kipling when he clearly should have been freaking out that you dropped $300 on a mongoose/cobra love/kill sesh.

    Been blog-lurking for a while…love your writing 🙂

  437. HOLY SH*T F%CK!! I have read this 3 times now and each time I have been rolling around laughing on the floor!! My family and now my coworkers all suspect something is wrong with me (well, duh, that was a given!). I love your posts!!!

  438. Wooden Monkey, can I borrow your half bear? (Either half, doesn’t matter). My in-laws have been staying with me for a while and I think the guest room needs redecorating. I figure I’ll start with the bear half, then take it up a notch to cobra-&-mongoose if they don’t get the “moving right along” now hint.

  442. You never fail to crack me up. If you weren’t already taken I’d propose. Wait, I’m taken too and I don’t actually turn that way…but I still love you! Thanks for the tears this morning. I think my coworkers thought I was actually crying with the noise I was making (trying to stifle the laughter) and the tears running down my face. They are all ignoring me now which is a WIN!

  443. I need to know what thrift store(s) you frequent, because shit like this should be part of my wedding decor!

  444. Omg I totally just lost my appetite. On another note, I informed my confirmation students at church last night that a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet. They were a little rowdy. 🙂

  445. I’m 7 months pregnant. I laughed so hard reading this post that my belly button popped out. Thanks!

  446. Oh ouch. It took so long to read all the comments that I had to go back and re-read your post. One of these days I am gonna rupture something trying not to lol at your stuff. I’m gonna have to get internet at home, just so I can read your blog safely. Thanks–I needed that today.

    PS. Are you keeping count of how many women have offered to be your sister-wife? Add me to the list, pls.

  447. I have got to get me down to Texas. Y’all got some strange shit. There ain’t nothing like that in any Antique store I’ve ever been to.

    Hmmm… I just noticed that all of a sudden I starting writing with a ‘twang? Definitely odd.

  449. I hope Victor has his own prescription for xanax or valium or ativan. If not, send him to the doctor or the online pharmacy. Although posts about you visiting Victor in the nuthouse might be fun too.

  450. I forking love reading your blog at work and then trying to muffle the laughter that I’m trying to keep inside… while also trying not to fart. Its a struggle I assure you. Your cobras are alarming to me but apparently look like new friends to the kitteh. I’d hate to be the one to dust that – ermm – display. Maybe it should be Hayley’s job… help desensitize her to the horrors of the desert and such 😛

  451. Re:
    Aja October 13, 2011 at 9:31 am
    This is my dance space… this is your dance space. Spaghetti Arms!

    Oh.My.God. That is too funny. I didn’t see that at all until you said it. Now it’s all I can see. Hi.Lar.I.Ous!!!

  454. I sent this to my husband and he said that, for future reference, if I brought home $300 worth of taxidermied animals, there would be 100% less laughing. I asked if this was the sort of thing that’s mainly funny because it’s someone else. He said that it’s ENTIRELY funny because it’s someone else.

  456. You mean that store is in Dallas?? I know what I’m doing this weekend. I live alone so there’s no one to stop me from buying my own taxidermied masterpiece.

  457. You know the play “The Glass Menagerie,” how Laura has all those glass animals and they represent her delicate mental condition? Your animal representations seem to represent your awesome mental condition. Just sayin’.

  458. I just spent half of my paycheck in your hysterical store. Worth it. I just got all my Christmas shopping done and it isn’t even November yet. WINNING.

  459. I actually do have my own glass menagerie that’s I’ve been collecting since I was in third grade. It takes up an entire wall. If you sleep in my guest room you have thousands of glittery eyes staring at you while you try to sleep. True story.

  461. I have never read your blog before, but I am laughing so hard, tears are streaming down my face! This is one of the absolute, funniest things I have ever read in my entire life! Thank you, thank you, for making me laugh and smile today!

  462. I had to stop reading this three times.
    I was afraid I was going to pee myself laughing.
    I love you.

  463. Ok, I just had a coughing fit (baaad cold) because of this post. It’s second only to Beyonce. I live in Texas too and can’t find any shops carrying things this amazing.

    I know how to tell which one is Jennifer Gray. Wait until Ferris gives her a nose job, then it will be obvious.

  464. Nom nom nom. Jesus God I am pretty sure I may have just pee’d a little. Do you know how hard it is to NOT draw attention to the fact that I’m reading your blog instead of working when I start to wheeze from laughing “quietly” and it looks like I’ve been cutting onions because my eyes are watering so badly? It. is. hard.

  465. I love you! You have once again made me laugh out loud. Thank you for being you and please never change.

  466. A friend sent me a link to your blog to read. I must say that this is definitely the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you.

  468. Until I read this post I did not know that mongeese and mongooses are both acceptable plurals of mongoose. I feel educated…

  469. My boyfriend and i have a running joke (that is actually not a joke at all, only he hasn’t quite figured that out yet) about how i can’t be left without supervision for very long. I have a tendency to do things like take apart my bedroom furniture and rebuild it, or cut my own hair, or put copious amounts of booze in my morning coffee before heading off to work in the admissions department of a conservative Christian college.

    This is why, whenever i find a post of yours like this one, i put a link on his Facebook wall as a warning. Because i’m pretty sure that i’m going to be you when i grow up.

  471. I just wanted you to know that you’ve got two more converts to the church of FuriouslyHappy.

    My roommate and I are having pretty much the worst week in a long time, for a number of reasons I can’t explain here on the Internet and some I can…like you my body is made of autoimmune fail and wreckage and the weather is simply not cooperating with me with regard to basic functions, we have to clean ALL THE THINGS, and together with my roommate’s husband we take care of their three medically fragile children which is a circus on the good days and a horrifying disaster area on the bad days. But this week things are coming completely undone and it’s coming to a head tomorrow.

    I started reading your blog yesterday and I’m determined to soak up every word you say because you’re awesome. I’ve decided I’m tired of feeling shat upon and that I too shall embrace the concept of furiouslyhappy. I read your initial post on the subject to my roommate today and she’s decided to take it up too. We shall do this thing in the face of everything that wants to bring us down. Today we are motherfuckin’ princesses and we are wearing my Swarovski tiaras from Disney World. And yes, she’s wearing hers to take the five-year-old to taekwondo, because she’s a furiouslyhappy motherfuckin’ princess and anyone who doesn’t like it can nick off.

    You’re an inspiration, Jenny. Please keep being you. I told my partner last night (while emailing her the links to the Beyonce saga) that someday I want to be the Jenny to her Victor. Her response was that she could *so* see me buying a giant metal chicken, her WTFing at it, and me sticking it at her office window in revenge. I want to be you when I grow up. Is that so wrong? If so, I don’t wanna be right.

  472. It IS better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
    Fucking. Love. It.

  473. Jenny, I love you so very much. You make my work day so much more hilarious and fun

  475. Omg, this post. I laughed so much. Only YOU would ever find something like this and actually buy it in complete seriousness.

  477. OMG, this is hilarious! It reminds me of the dead animal thing I brought home from a flea market years ago. It was an armadillo being attacked by three sword-weilding frogs who were dressed in striped ponchos and fringed sombreros.

    Sadly, my husband made me throw the awesome art piece out after our cocker spaniel nearly had a heart attack when I made the dead animals chase after her. (In my defense, I wasn’t purposely trying to terrorize the dog…simply amuse her.)

  478. Best. Business expense. Ever. The Internal Revenue Service MUST have some special form to write off such Hatfield/McCoy-esque taxidermied showdowns. I smell Christmas cards in the offing.

  479. LOVE IT!!!! I came across your blog from a link someone posted on Facebook. I’m hooked. My parents had a cobra/mongoose up until a couple of months ago. It was different from this one. We all thought it was FANTASTIC! I’m officially hooked now!

  480. Some of my (ok, most of my) friends, family and colleagues think I’m a bit crazy. I think that all the best people are… so In future I shall direct them to THIS VERY POST and say, “Ta Da!”

  482. I CANNOT believe you would consider trading Copernicus.
    I’m very disappointed in you.

  483. I love you so very much. You kill me, but in a good way. My husband is also called Victor and he looks at me really crazy when I link him your posts and ask him if we can adopt you. you kick a whole lot of ass <3

  486. Too weird–my blog post today includes a crazed mongoose. Great minds? Maybe give it a read–after all, the appearance of mongi is too coinkydinkal to let slip by.

  490. What totally cracks me up about this is that we used to own one of those cobra mongoose death matches lol
    I kept it in the garage and it definitely scared away any other cobras and mongooses but unfortunately it didn’t scare away the mice so I had to throw it out when the mice decided to eat the mongoose.

  491. If it is any consolation, when I was little, we actually DID get packages that were labeled “Live Snake”, though generally pythons or rattlesnakes. We couldn’t get the licenses for cobras. 🙂

  492. O. My. God. I spend much of my time at every art fair expressing fear at things that are going to come alive and kill me in my sleep. Steam-punk ravens being the most recent example at the Plaza Art Fair in Kansas City – two different booths with steam-punk ravens. Seriously. Does anyone think that ISN”T going to come alive and kill you in your sleep.

    In any case, the Riki Tiki Tavi/Cobra “sculpture” is soooooo much more likely to come alive and kill you in your sleep. You should just donate it to a good home. With someone you don’t like. Maybe that guy who called you a bitch.

  493. I just did an extensive google search to see if I, too, can be a happy owner of this mongoose/snake battlescene. I must have one for my very dark guest bathroom. I could hide it in the large potted plant, so that when people sat down to take a crap, and finally had to set their phone down in the planter to wipe their ass, they’d see it and be terrified.

    Bwahaha

  494. Okay, I have a new alert for you blog…Pampers alert. I need Pampers because I peed my pants laughing so hard at this post. I work with an awesome lady that I am pretty sure is The Bloggess in disguise and I could totally see her doing and saying these things which makes this 100 times funnier. Not that you aren’t already funny enough on your own.

  495. So I was excitedly telling my husband, who is calm and overly sensible like Victor, about your blog. He did not share my excitement, or fear, over your statue. Love the blog. Love the cards. and I think you’re a genius.

  496. Jenny,

    I feel like you should know there is a song by Cherry Popin’ Daddies called The Mongoose and the Snake. You should check this out and perhaps your taxidermied twosome will have theme music…because why wouldn’t need theme music??

    <3 Jessimus

  497. For some reason I looked at that image and immediately heard the priest from The Princess Bride: “Mawwage issss….”

  498. Oh, I just laughed until I had tears running down my cheeks! My three year old asked if I was crying, and I don’t think he understands tears of laugher yet. And there was just no good way to explain this post to him.
    Someone I am related to (by marriage) is a self-taught taxidermist, who honed his skills on random roadkill. Picture if you will, an entire house filled with scenes like this. And a living room with so many deer heads that in the event of an earthquake, anyone sitting in there would be impaled by deer antlers. Try staying there, and getting up for glass of water at 2am…

  499. Can you pleasepleasePLEASE create a cobra/mongoose death match photo sculpture. I can give it to my husband to go with mini-Beyonce! THANKS

  500. I’m a law student. I have the resources to get that cobra a great lawyer & we are going to sue Ferris Mewler for all he is worth. Say good bye to your catnip kitty.

  502. Jenny, you are delightfully disturbed. Of course, I was even more unsettled when I saw the first picture and imaged that the cobra was about 6 feet tall. Clearly, I don’t get out into nature much. From the comments I see that there must be a little industry of making these heartwarming scenes.

  503. Why is Victor ever surprised by these purchases? Was he unaware when he married you that you are a Chuck Testa gene carrier? Did he not meet your family? Seriously.

    By the way, get Copernicus involved in the deathmatch some how. Strangling the mangy mongoose perhaps.

  504. 1. FERRIS MEWLER!!!!!!!!!

    2. I am super excited that a thing like that death match existed
    2a. …and that it was available not just for purchase, but for rent…
    2b. …AND that someone bought it
    2c. …someone who knows how to properly use words!

    3. The words on the actual photos (specifically the ones involving Kitty) have upped this awesomeness by at least 400%.

  505. Jenny….. maybe because I live near LA, and have read your blog for awhile, it got me thinking – WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE A SITCOM BASED ON YOUR LIFE? You are 100,000X funnier than “shit my dad says” just with the material you have right here. And casting Jenny and Victor (and Beyonce, for that matter)…. And some of your frequent posters as neighbors and friends……Surely we have some screenwriters reading this who could write up a few choice episodes to pitch to some network!

    Only, make it on HBO or SHOWTIME so you don’t have to edit out the f-bombs. Oh, and have complete creative control, so it doesnt end up a piece of crap. Ah the obstacles….. but in the right hands, this would be a damned funny show. I would watch!!

  509. Jenny,

    Have you thought about introducing Beyonce to this pair? I’m thinking photo op!! And Christmas card this year. Just sayin!

  510. I’m just concerned this may cause Mariah to get a “-” grade in her English class when the teacher asks for a report on Kipling’s Riki Tiki Tavi….

  511. Once again you are the most awesome person ever. If you ever decide to get rid of that let me know.

  513. This was quite a fad during the Victorian era, along with stuffed frog bands and the like. One can actually order a less mangy version for photoshoots and the like, along with other exotic things. I had to google “cobra mongoose taxidermy”, because I NEED one of these 🙂

  514. If there were a word that meant “glorious to the power of glorious”, that is the single word I would choose to describe this post.

    You might want to add something in the preamble warning, something about the possibility that asthmatics may enjoy this post in full at the cost of a lung, and that if they have no spare lung then this post might actually be life threatening. Whatever the cost, it’s damn well worth it, and then some.

  515. Clearly you have a penchant for taxidermy, so I would like to direct you to the absolute ultimate and beautiful place for your affliction. I must forewarn you, my best friend dropped $15,000 at this place. It is a shop in Paris called Deyrolle. It’s an institution in Paris and so unbelievable cool. They have a website ( which doesn’t give it justice). This would no doubt send your husband over the top. Sorry Victor, but a stuffed bear…..
    (FYI animal people, most of these animals are stuffed post mortem. Keep your panties on)

  516. I showed it to my husband and we both love it. If we had bought it, it’d be in the front yard with some sort of setup where one or both animals would spit fire.

  517. im laughing so much that i’m seizing and its awkward cos im at work and people are looking me with weird faces.

  518. You are my hero. Whenever I have a bad day, I go to your blog and you make me snort-out-loud. Thank you.

  519. I am totally terrified by this blog post but I had to read the whole thing because it was so funny!

    love/hate

  520. I think Copernicus should be strangling the snake….the mongoose is already wrapped up by the snake, the snake needs a hug too!

  521. Holy sh#t! Growing up I had this in my basement! No haired mongoose and all, I’m glad they ended up in good hands. How i’ve missed radiation goose and mr. Bitie.

    Signed, really serious that I used to own this growing up.

    P.s. This post made my day

  523. seriously, I think I just peed my pants! Thanks for the laugh!

  525. I love this blog. Love, love, love.

    But why is it when I hit the previous posts button at the bottom of the main page, it takes me all the way to posts from July? It’s accurate, but, well …

  526. This is the funniest thing ever. Thank you for making me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I needed this today, seriously, thank you.

  527. Oh, PLEASE say this isn’t in the garbage! You must auction it off for charity or something. The Homeless Honeybadger Hermitage, perhaps, or the Caring Cobra Cottage?

    Surely there is hope for world peace built into this magnificent piece, if only through collective shooting of milk out nostrils upon viewing.

    *snort* *snorfle* *guffaw* *schnoz-spewage*

    “Oh, my friend, we are all one after all!”

  530. If you thing this is great, you should come out to the Rattlesnake Festival in San Antonio FL this weekend. There will be all kinds of taxidermied shit.

  533. Oh, my gosh! I don’t know who I love better, you or your husband! Between your off-beat statements and his dead-pan statements I laughed so hard I was literally feeling sick to my stomach! I tried to read it to my husband but became so hysterical that I went into some sort of high-pitched squeak that only dogs could hear! I can’t tell you the last time I’ve laughed that hard.

  535. You know, in my humble opinion, this could be the perfect thing to play Pink Flamingo with. (You know, where you get some pink flamingos and put them on a neighbor’s yard and then they put them on another neighbor’s yard and so on?)

  536. 1. Where the hell do you FIND this shit?
    2. I love that you knew the plural of “mongoose” is “mongeese.”
    3. Victor is a party pooper.
    4. So is Ferris Mewler.
    5. That thing ROCKS! And by “rocks” I mean, it’s full of awesome as long as it stays at *your* house. 🙂

  537. I think you should mail it to Congress. Sign the card, “Love and Kisses, Wall Street.”

    *evil grin*

  538. This. Is. Epic.

    I am now subscribing to your feed. Because anyone who can write this post… well, you just make me feel all happy!bouncy because adults aren’t supposed to be this random, and when one is, the world seems to be a little better place.

    I *must* know you. Stat! 🙂

  541. I totally want to write “Here’s the cobra you ordered. Dumb-ass” on the outside of all the parcels I send out now.

    .. might be bad for business.

  543. Warning… Never read this stuff at 1 am when your husband is sleeping peacefully. Waking to the sound of me laughing so hard he thought that I was strangling or something did not put him in the best mood. Side note, once he calmed down he thought it was pretty funny too.

  544. I hope when I die I am stuffed and put into a mange-ridden death match with my husband. But only if he’s dead too…cause otherwise that would be creepy…

  546. Those are the creepiest stuffed things I’ve ever seen. And one of my cats got all up in a snake’s face too, except it was a real LIVE copperhead and he only missed being bit because apparently God loves animals even when they are being stupid.

  549. You just HAVE to know there are three journalists sitting in South Africa counting the minutes until your blog is updated. We are addicted. We have a problem…

  550. As usual, this post is amazing. I am also starting to seriously ponder what type of ‘vintage’ and ‘antique’ stores you seem to come across. I grew up in New England, the Land of Antiques, I have never seen such fabulousness!!!

    On a (slightly) separate note, thank you for introducing me to Zazzle – I came up with what I believe to be the most brilliant thing I have ever said (Yeah, I’m not so smart) and was tapping my chin, trying to figure out how I could best share my genius with the world…ZAZZLE! No one has bought one yet, but I just know it will be life changing for them if they do.

    Thanks for the laughs EVERY SINGLE time I come here.

  556. I love Victor. I don’t know if these conversations take place the way you write them, but I love the Victor you write. If he’s real, you are perfect for one another.

  557. I think it’s completely fucked up that I’ve actually seen one of those in real life. It brought back horrible memories from my childhood. Now I’m going to go curl up in the corner in the fetal position and suck my thumb. Thanks. 😉

  558. My hubs just said, “This is an odd thing to buy.”

    Our favorite record/coffee shop/taxidermi in Brooklyn is called Black Gold. And they have a massive hyena in there I keep wanting to buy. But then I think, well, what the hell? Where am I going to put a hyena? One that is standing up and sleepily looking at us through its glass eyes?

    But you’ve taught me it doesn’t matter where I put it. It doesn’t matter if my hubs thinks it’s odd. It doesn’t matter if I’m afraid of real-life hyenas.

    What MATTERS is that it’s cheaper to buy said hyena than rent it. So you’ve given me something to think about here. And if I decide I don’t want it, I can pose it with my soon-to-be-born daughter. Whose first memories will be of bristly, stuffed hyenas gazing down at her adoringly.

  563. Oh my! That death match is so disturbing that I almost can’t eat my breakfast. almost.

  566. PLEASE provide a new product called “Death Match Gum”
    “It freshens your breath–one way or another”

    You’re welcome.

  567. This the best thing that I have read all morning. 🙂 Thank you for the cobra/chupacabra flavored breakfast!

  568. So I was all “Wow – that’s an interesting thought” at first … and then I was “Holy effing shit she actually did buy it” and then I had a new respect for you. *bows*

  570. I think this is the first time EVER I have disagreed with you, Oh Bloggess. I would NEVER call that scary nightmare WHIMSY! I don’t think I could even store it in my garage. AHK! Runs away and hides.

  572. This. This right here made. my. day. I’m sitting at my desk and all my coworkers think I’ve lost it. I wish I could attach photos; I’d send you a picture of Beauregard, my ridiculously happy lion that was a steal at $135.

    Wait, I forgot that’s what links are for: http://tinyurl.com/3bc8oxt

  573. I seriously HATE (but love) you sooooo much right now! I mean A LOT. I am so scared of snakes it’s not even funny. I couldn’t look at your post – I had to literally close my eyes and try to close the page at the same time. Needed someone else to help me just get to the comments section so I didn’t accidentaly see a sn*#e picture. 🙁 Damn you. You ain’t right!

  574. Isn’t there something exactly like this in Twin Peaks somewhere? I mean exactly like that death battle, not like this post. Although that, too, probably.

  575. Thoroughly enjoyed reading & consequently spreading the joy to the masses. Absolutely amazeballs — thank you for brightening my Friday 🙂

  578. Pretty please consider making the “Time of my life” card into a t-shirt. Because I need it. Today.

  581. Seeing something so freakishly real in a shop is one thing….it would have scared the crap out of me coming straight out of the box. Brave and funny soul. It looks like a nice additon to any home worth visiting.

  582. They look so much bigger and more RUBBER DINOSAUR DO BATTLE in the first image. I’m sure if they’d been huge you’d have loved them more.

    Why don’t those people who make those stupid wooden farm animals for your front garden make fighting dinos? I would definitely buy those.

  586. O.M.GOSH!!!!!! I cannot contain my laughter!
    It seems to me that you would appreciate this:

    Nope! It’s Chuck Testa…

  587. When I first looked at the photo, I thought snake was 6 feet tall standing up. Less cobra, more horror-movie-where-(insert actor/actress of your choice)-hopefully-dies-giant-anaconda snake. While this whole thing so awesome my eyes melted out of my head and pooled on my track pad, I must confess I wish it was actually 6 feet tall. Imagine your cats perched atop the snakes head, commanding it to attack those they do not care for. As an added bonus, it would distract from messes in your living room, rid you of unwanted visitors, and it would be a great place to hang coats.

  588. A little disappointed… I thought it looked bigger in the antique shop. hahaha… still it creeps me out.

  593. Since I’ve been home on maternity leave for the last two weeks, I have repeatedly learned an important lesson: I should NOT read this blog while trying to nurse. Laughing hysterically with a baby attached to your breast is freakin’ painful.

  594. Holy crap – I have no idea why Victor thinks it’s okay to go away and leave you alone and then question your decisions that arise from his absense. It’s like he’s never met you…

  595. You know you should create your own Taxidermy Time-Share business with an option to purchase. Pay an annual fee and rotate your frozen friends monthly. That way you never get bored. Also, it’s like a try before you buy.

  596. Riki tiki whatsit was my first thought too. between the tears of laughter, that is.
    thanks for yet another post that left me thinking, ‘now, how can i work this picture into a sermon…?’

  599. OMG this is hilarious. I’m laughing here with tears in my eyes and my coworkers are like what the hell is wrong with her.

  600. I sent this entry to my husband, as I do most others that I’m convinced are overheard conversations that he and I had and you are just pretending that they are between you and Victor. Guess what his response was? …..
    “Dude, we NEED this.”
    Great thanks! If I come home to a scary cobra in a box I’m sending it your way!
    PS
    I really thought the honeybadgergoose and cobra were a lot bigger until I saw Ferris Meweler hanging out with them. I was actually hoping they were bigger, you know, like Beyonce. That’s ok, maybe next time right?

  601. Think now I have been totally forgiven for purchasing the sobakawa pillows.

  602. Thank You, It just needed to be said. I fell and hurt myself last night and I am in a lousy mood but now I am laughing so hard my daughter is wondering what is wrong with me. LOL I SO needed this!!

  603. I’m a 61-year old retired librarian and I’m in love with this blog site. Am I sick or is this a really healthy sign! Don’t answer that.

  604. My husband is an alcoholic who can’t quit. My soul aches.
    He was in jail 4 days this week for violating an Order of Protection by threatening my life.
    Yep, still love him, and deep.
    Nope, not a joke.
    No, really.
    I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anything but like a bad train wreck today.
    This made me laugh out loud.
    This is the kind of smile only a cobra-death match could inspire!
    Thank you!

  605. That is hilarious. My sister’s in-laws had a set of taxidermied frogs posed in an aquarium dancing and playing musical instruments. Apparently it was a family heirloom. So just tell Victor that you’re starting a family tradition that can be cherished by future generations (and by the way you REALLY NEED those dancing frogs!!).

  606. This made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt. Thank gods I wasn’t drinking anything or my IMac would have been very pissed at me just now! Don’t even get me started on the cards. They’re fracking epic!

  607. I have to say, as an outsider, I’m totally curious as to what your home decor looks like, have you thought of applying for the cover of ‘home beautiful?’

  608. This is the funniest thing i’ve read in awhile! I’m dying laughing. Totally just texted my boyfriend with a random line about the post office confiscation. I got “what the hell? where the hell did that come from?” which made me laugh harder haha. so much awesome

  609. I had no idea that the plural for Mongoose was mongeese. It makes sense, mongooses just sounds silly. Also Victor is the man for making a Ricki Ticki Tabi reference. But with mange.

  610. Haha, fantastic! But god that oversized rat is CREEPY, I can’t believe you didn’t see the CREEPY right away!

  611. I want one! can I rent yours out? I using you as an example of how not so bad I am when I come up with crazy this and that and husband rolls his eyes. LOVE YOU more than mongoose.

  612. Are you sure they aren’t singing Christmas Carols? Some of the notes are awfully high.

  614. As epic as this entire situation is, MY favorite part was your husband asking “Who is this?” I mean, really? Who else WOULD have the balls to be YOU!

  615. Ok so this is the most fucked up post I have ever read since the beginning of the internet. I am really, REALLY expecting to see a sign after this post that reads “You have reached the end of the internet” No sit…so freakishly funny and disturbing at the same time…thanks…I had the time of my life!

  617. That is simply delicious! I think it would go with my T-Rex garden sculpture. Alas, I’ll look for you on Antique Road show…keep the packing peanuts!

  618. I have been depressed. Like, “lost my job, ate myself into a junk food coma, can’t get out of bed for 3 days” depressed. then I decided to check in with you to see what you were up to…and Wallah!!! No More Depression! Reading this post was like an instantanious cure all for whatever ails me! So what if I’m “Over Educated, Over Qualified” & too old? (at 47, really?!!) I could be in the middle of a mongoose/cobra death match. It’s all about perspective. Beyonce’ taught me that! Love you BIGGER-EST & thanks for cheering me up!!! <3

  619. WTF?! How the hell did I get here? WHO are you people?!?! I was looking for Subaru parts…

  622. We love YOU! Silly. We will wait. Rest annnnnnnnnnnnd rest some more xxxxxxxx and some butterflies (but that’s your job, delirium sistah) Read the butterflies xxx Did I mention I Love you? I love you.

  625. Um, unsupervised? Me either! Fooled. Mwahaahahhha. how many h’s to a’s, gracious. I don’t freakin’ know.

  626. On the one hand, I’m a professional organizer, so I’m supposed to feel at least some ambivalence regarding the “treasures” you purchase. On the other hand, I just spent two days in the hospital and this post is the first thing that has made me laugh in what feels like a long, long time. Be assured, if you and Victor had a TV program, it would be #1 in milliseconds. Thank you!

  633. OMG, please do not stop writing. I read this blog and think I will never laugh that hard again and I am proven wrong each time I come back. Thank you.

  634. Hilarious…because I would have totally had the same conversation with my (ex) husband…only I wouldn’t have bought it, I would have just argued my point of WHY I should buy it.

  638. Loved the post, hated the pictures! Live on a rattlesnake ranch, had to scroll and read through slits in fingers of hand slapped tightly over eyes. Thanks for the nightmares. Wonder if I can drown it with wine or if that will allow the cobra to catch me as I bob and weave….

  639. I actually have a taxidermy badger in my office. I would be willing to trade it for something equally as dead and ominous. I mean, ominous besides the fact that it is a dried out corpse…and really, since you thought you had a badger, shouldn’t you actually have one? I’m sure your spiritual balance is all out of whack due to lack of said badger. And how can you fulfill your potential as a spouse or a writer or a human being if you don’t rectify this situation? (I used this logic to justify my angry dinosaur puppet. Considering my husband’s long stare, I’m assuming he was shocked and awed at my amazing forethought.)

  640. I’ll have to get the “Look what I didn’t buy” card for my husband. He’s forever complaining about the amount of money I spent and I’m forever telling him about how much money saved replying “But, you should see all the things I DIDN’T buy!!!!”

  641. Sooo I’m not sure if it’s perspective or what but the first picture makes this scene look pretty big-like big enough to hold it’s own against the bookshelf behind it-so when I saw the bottom pictures I was kind of disappointed. And I can’t shake it. Now my life feels funny…

  642. Okay so it won’t let me leave a comment on this because it’s too old or something I DON’T KNOW but

    http://blog.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2011/07/now-that-she-mentions-it-it-seems-pretty-obvious/

    Yeah. It IS obvious. And there’s a guy who’s done it. He has made a duvet suit. A suit out of comforters. Because he wanted his friend with cystic fibrosis to stay warm while also still being out of bed and not limited by blankets. It’s the best thing EVER. I have a full suit AND a pair of trousers. http://lazypatch.com Remember that Snuggies are cheap pieces of fleecy shit, but a Lazypatch is forever. No, seriously. Provided an animal doesn’t chew on it, it’ll last years and through many washings (my full suit should know, it gets tossed in the wash because I basically live in it half the year due to illness and pain).

    AND NOW THAT THEY MAKE KID-SIZE LAZYPATCHES you just have no excuse. You gotta buy a whole set for the family. This makes more practical sense than taxidermiied chupacabras, and you can point THAT out to Victor.

  643. Okay, it is official. You are certifiable. As what, I don’t know. But also, screamingly hilarious. The giant metal rooster was drop-dead gorgeous compared to this monstrosity. BTW, I remember seeing these things as cheezy import stores back in the early 1980s. I DID NOT BUY ONE — I am terrified of snakes. And they were overpriced pieces of schlock crap back then.

    Oh yeah, and you and Victor need to have your own reality show. He sounds like the perfect straight man. I bet he waits until you have left the house or hung up the phone before he starts screaming with laughter over your latest “outrage”! If you ever turn this into a comedy tour, let me know so I can buy tickets!

  644. I mailed a live tarantula through the mail (don’t worry, there is a way to pack them for mailing where they can live….). At the post office I was given the usual “so there is nothing hazardous in here…” and I was all “….like what?” (because I am terrible at lying). The nice lady says, “Like maple syrup. We had a huge maple syrup foul up at the Manchester sorting facility. Went everywhere and it took days to clean up all the machinery.” I was able to assure her I did not have any dangerous maple syrup in the package. I did want to write “JUST DON’T OPEN THIS OK?” on the outside….

    The tarantula made it through just fine.

  645. Ok, not only was that hella funny, but I laughed so hard, and so long (insert porn-joke smirk here) that I woke up my husband, as well as my daughters all the way across the house.

    And it was *totally* worth it.

    I spread the gospel of The Bloggess at an education conference yesterday; teachers need more 100% real surreality in their lives, esp when they can laugh at the fallout, instead of, you know, actually having to *deal* with it.

    Thanks and kisses – Siggi

  646. I emailed this to a friend last week, and the reply I got was as follows:
    “My enthusiastic python wants to wrestle your honey badger.”

    Your blog post has been turned into the most creep-tasticly awesome euphamism for sex EVER!

    xoxo

  647. Good God Almighty, woman, I love you (and I don’t even go that way – not that there’s anything wrong with it). I have pee’d myself on more than one occasion reading your blog.

  650. I’ve been reading your archives and squeeing about the cobra mongoose and my husband keeps looking at me in more and more concerned expressions. He says this blog is giving me ideas. I almost bought the “guess what I didnt buy” card for our anniversary but I’m in England so the exchange rate sucks for that. I may still though, just for the look on his face…

  651. I thought at first the mongoose was a komodo dragon, but now i see that he/she (is there a twig there?) is a sufferer of alopecia. I know you have already received admissions of love and pledges to impregnate/be impregnated, but i just have to tell you that i both love you, and if i could, would have your baby. it’s wrong and physically impossible, but it feels so right. 🙂

  653. Just 645 comments thus far? I have 645 comments of my own. 🙂 I will just sum it up with “Wow.”

  655. I nearly just died reading this exchange! I never commented on it, but the Wil Wheaton/PR email post also had me in stitches! Keep ruffling feathers, it brings me such joy!

  656. Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Oh GOD! You’re brilliant. Scary but Brilliant!

  657. I am officially creeped out by our dead animal brought back to life obsession. Frankly, I’m surprised it’s taken this long to feel this way…

    P.S. I am soooo buying the card “Guess what I didn’t buy”. I think you made that for me specifically. Thanks. It’s going to come in handy one day.

  658. I initially thought that was a very large sculpture (based on the first picture). However, I thought it was a dinosaur and a giant sea monster. You can understand my confusion, right?

    I’m not a ‘science person’.

  659. The thing that I love THE ABSOLUTE MOST about this post is that somewhere in your mind you went straight to the thought ‘yessss… I TOTALLY MUST buy this for more than Ruby Wildflower earns in a fortnight because it will make AN EXCELLENT blog piece’. You have my utmost respect Madame.

    Keep making a bitch happy like you so effortlessly do.
    x

  660. That whole thing had me cackling at work. You truly are the best kind of fucked-up. Also, Victor is a role-model for men everywhere.

  661. The plural for mongoose is mongooses…its true. I only know this because I once wrote a report on them….yeah, I’m a nerd 🙂

  662. HEY, Y’ALL, YOU CAN BUY JENNY’S BOOK!!
    I just went on Amazon and you can pre-order it for delivery on April 12. Congratulations, Jenny!

  663. I want to be nice about this, because you are funny as hell and charming to boot, and there is nothing about the way you approach life that doesn’t spell yres. Or something like yres.
    But… $300. And $200 on the chicken – which was so awesome a post, you deserve all 50,000 responses and the adulation that rolled across the internet.
    It’s not just my own personal poverty that bangs up against the speedbump of easy spending. I mean, there’s lots and lots of us. I know two people who would fall on the floor if I shared your writing with them – except the economy got them. Got them all the way. The funeral-was-so-lovely-closed-casket-was-a-good-idea sort of way.
    I’m really glad that you’re not affected, or affected so strongly, by the problems we’re having. I just can’t help thinking about what $500, can really do. And you’re the sort of person who could do that, and so much more, if you leaned into the subject and gave it your own twist – you could leave Beyonce behind, and set a bar for making people spit on their keyboards, and encouraging money to go where it will help people. Kids. Lonely marmots without cobras to play with.
    I hope you take this in the spirit intended. Because you do rock.

  664. Oregonbird ~ I usually don’t respond to critical comments (or usually any comments, since I’m not witty enough to compete with the bad-assery of my commenters) but yours seems genuine and sincere and I feel like I owe you an explanation. I make money in the dumbest way possible. I do it by making people laugh. I do it not just because funny posts mean more opportunities to get humor writing jobs that allow me to pay for silly things like giant chickens and cobras, but also because of the emails I get from people telling me that these posts help them forget the trauma they’re going through right now. And (selfishly) I do it for myself, because it helps me fight my own demons and depression.

    I don’t get manicures. I haven’t had a haircut in 6 months. I buy my clothes from Ross and wear them until they wear out. I drive an 8 year old car with a cracked widshield that backfires constantly. And none of those things bother me in the slightest. I know women who wouldn’t think of dropping $500 on a pair of shoes, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, both because my arthritis doesn’t let me wear non-orthopedic shoes, and also because it seems like too much money to spend on something that would feel selfish to me. But it’s not to others. If buying a pair of nice shoes is the thing that brings you joy then you should do it, and you should never feel guilty about it.

    This blog is about joy, and it’s celebrated in lots of ways. Last year, my readers raised $42K to help buy gifts for children who wouldn’t have had a Christmas otherwise. That? Came out of a ridiculous purchase of a taxidermied boars head.

    When I bought Beyonce I got all kinds of amazing feedback, but I also got a lot of people who were critical that I dare to spend money on something they saw as frivolous. Many were furious that I spent my “husband’s money,” not even bothering to consider the fact that I have a degree, work full-time doing many different writing jobs, and make enough money to buy the occasional silly thing without having to justify it. Most of my long-term readers already knew that, but what the biggest critics never noticed was the fact that I ended up creating Beyonce merchandise, marketing it, and selling it. I made more than 10 times what Beyonce cost in the first month. That money? Went quietly to the Bastrop volunteer firefighters, to the Austin No-Kill Rescue Shelter, to two different African Orphanages and to many support-the-arts kickstarter programs. Not to mention the fact that this increased traffic didn’t affect me directly (as I don’t use an ad network and don’t get paid for traffic) but it made a huge difference to the advertisers who have supported my silly endeavors by buying flat-rate ads on my sidebar and who saw an amazing increase in sales because of a silly chicken. The company that made my Beyonce merchandise lists it as one of their biggest money-makers and it helped contribute to creating work for people. It makes me furiously happy that I was able to do something silly and funny and that it brought such joy and positivity to so many people in so many remarkable ways.

    I don’t begrudge you your opinion, as I’ve lived more than half of my life below the poverty line, and I’ve dealt with unemployment issues, the panic of almost losing a house, and with wearing shoes made of breadsacks because winter-shoes were a luxury you couldn’t even consider. I know it isn’t easy and I’m lucky that right now we’re doing well. I also know that at any moment, things could change for us and we would again be scrounging for change to pay the electric bill. But even then I wouldn’t regret what I’ve done. The memories and laughter are worth every penny I’ve spent on things that made myself (and others) smile. I’ll never feel the need to justify that.

    I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that you (and others who might be quick to judge) can see how the money spent to buy two silly things grew into something so much larger than a few hundred dollars. It grew into laughter. It grew into healing. It grew into thousands of dollars that helped to support not only my own family, but also my community and communities on the other side of the world.

    PS. If you prefer to see only the serious, non-ridiculous side, you should just follow me on twitter at @thegoodbloggess. It’s a special account I set up years ago to help increase awareness about issues that I personally support and that others might want to as well. It’s strictly about raising money for charities and contains almost no frivolity, and thousands of people follow it because they understand that you can have silliness and responsibility at the same time. Plus, you can see first-hand how much good my readers are willing to do, not because they’re silly or frivolous, but because they appreciate joy and want to share it with the rest of the world. It’s something I’m proud of, but my work here is something I’m equally proud of. I’m not here to save the world. I’m here to make it a little easier, by making people laugh. It’s what I do.

  665. I need to order a few copies of the last card. It will help my husband put my shopping quirks into perspective.

  668. JENNY! you totally make me laugh. My ass off. Serious humor illness happening here when i read you– and I LOVE IT! Keep writing the way you write. You have the right to write about these because you entertain people and so far as I’ve read your posts, you don’t really hurt anyone with what you write about. And though we may not often see eye to eye, I have respect for you. Respect i think is the key here.

    Anyway, I love how you were able to spin a fun story out of the cobra- mongoose, and even funnier that your cat made a story out of that. You have every right to spend your money the way you wish. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. We all have our own things to deal with. And let others deal with it the way they want to. As long as you know you’ve made people laugh, you didn’t harm anyone in anyway, you’re all good and we will continue reading and supporting you 🙂

    Good laughs on this post, Jenny. Cheers!!

  669. There’s enough misery in the world without people levelling the guilt gun at someone else for spending money or having fun or doing whatever it is Person B doesn’t approve of. Every single one of us does frivolous stuff from time to time, I don’t care WHO we think we are. I’ve had plenty of lean times when I couldn’t afford to do something so wildly irresponsible as buy a chocolate bar, let alone a new videogame. You know what? Sometimes you need the videogame to save your mental health. Or the big metal chicken. Or a monkey with hug/strangling issues. Sometimes a big metal chicken is redemption. For a lot of other people, too. It’s also not like it was a $200,000 chicken, so let’s have a little perspective. Lives do not hang in the balance. We can have big metal chickens and still solve problems. That’s the wonder – and the joy – of life.

  671. I love this. I try to take things just as they are and work on the “thing of the moment.” I have enough issues of my own I don’t need to make them up for anyone else.

    My mom is a quilter, and a pretty good at that. She wanted a new sewing machine. One of those 2400 dollar jobs that does everything but go online to download new switches. She thought about it for days till I reminded her that she doesn’t have to justify her spending to anyone. It’s her money, she earns it. I have no claim to it. She doesn’t have a husband. All the bills are paid, the lights are on, the house is paid for. It’s all good. So buy the sewing machine if that’s what made her happy. And it did.

    Not only has she made quilts for herself, but she makes quilts when family and friends have babies or for special occasions. Like when my cousin got promoted. So lots of people get quilts.

    I’m not jealous of people that have money. I’m glad people do. And it makes me want to get my own.

    Frivolity is good. Laughing is good. Take time to do both once in a while.

    I try to do what I can when I can. A dollar here and there, a toy for the Marines, volunteering for the Comfort Quilts, helping people with their computers for free. Instead of thinking about how crappy my life is, I want to try to make other lives better as much as I can.

    All my best.

    PS: Can they be rented for Children’s Birthday parties? I have about 2.50 in Canadian change.

  673. Well said Jenny! We have enough people in the world that judge us without judging eachother. Like the saying “We only see what someone has done, not where thy have been”
    You make me laugh out loud so much that my three year old gets fed up of listening to me!

  674. We all have to pick which battles to fight. I live car-free, but have a super-expensive bakfiets (Dutch box bike). But… I bought the bike used instead of new. But… my kids wear disposable diapers. I know there are people who think certain things about me just because we own that bike, not realizing that it is our car and that we bought it used. I know there are people who think certain things about me not having a car, not realizing that I have the Suburban of bikes. I know there are people that think certain things about me for putting my kids in disposable diapers, not realizing that I’m only willing because both kids are bigger bladder-wise than any cloth diaper could handle. I know there are people that think certain things about me for not potty training my 6-year-old yet, not realizing that he has Down syndrome and I’ve TRIED but until he cares it just isn’t going to work.

    Basically, haters are gonna hate and judges are gonna judge. You are a furiously beautiful soul, Jenny. Just wanted to let you know that I saw your middle of the night tweet, came and read, and I’m down with you fighting your fights in the way you can fight them. Speak your truth! Much love.

  675. Jenny, I just love the interaction between you and Oregonbird. I felt the sincerity and kindness and mutual appreciation in each comment. It’s so rare to see that on most blogs.
    The only part that was upsetting to me to read is that you apparently get comments from people who don’t understand that you work? That writing is work? That being funny is work? “Spending your husband’s money”? What century is that person living in?
    I used to write a humor column — “Sick Humor” about the funny side of life with chronic illness — and I’m too sick to do it now. Partly because I’m too sick to perform that level of cognitive and physical work, and partly because so much in my life has been so emotionally devastating that I’m still trying to get my sense of humor in working order again. (Something I never thought it would be possible for me to lose.) Given my experiences, and given that you also suffer with various physical and mental health challenges, I’m very grateful that you do what you do. You’re a role model for me. Except that I will never, ever buy de-faced creepy dead monkeys or mongooses in cobra death matches. I don’t need to, because you’re filling that role in the world.
    P.S. One of my family jokes growing up: A guy contacts his friend in India and asks him to bring him home a mongoose. “Oh, and while you’re at it,” he says, “can you get me another?”
    See, cuz he didn’t know what the plural of “mongoose” was. So, just be thankful it was a death match with only one mongoose, or you would face that same predicament. (That this was an important running joke in my upbringing might also help explain why I turned out the way I did.)

  676. I adore you, I really do, and I admire how you handled the criticisms Oregonbird leveled at you- not defensively, but gently and in a far more mature manner than I would have been able to.

    (My response would have been more along the lines of, “It’s my money, I can do what I want!” which would have been far less effective.)

    You set the bar high for everyone. Good work. 🙂

  677. Sometimes people need some help to laugh. I am one of those people. Without knowing me, Jenny improves *my* quality of life just by being out there for me to read. After the Beyonce post went viral, I read back through the blog. I was gobsmacked by the Christmas project and sorry I’d missed it. She doesn’t owe anyone one damn thing, let alone an explanation.

  678. The problem with critics is that to often they have forgotten to research the subject they are criticising! As for poverty, well it’s by degrees. We haven’t had a holiday in years and we both work. Every penny we earn goes to service our mortgage and our debts. We go from shop to shop selecting the most economical goods in food and household necessities and we see other people on welfare benefits, who go on holiday and have three cars and who stagger under the weight of their shopping bags from one of the cars to the house and we feel mad as hell. And then we read the posts by the Bloggess and we don’t feel so mad. And do you know what, as dumb and as poor as I am (financially speaking) I don’t begrudge people who earn their money whether it is through the daily slog of a job, or a celebrity, because someone is out there willing to pay them and if they are getting paid for doing whatever it is they are doing, then that’s fine by me.

    One day someone might pay me megabucks and then I too would hope to be as quietly altruistic as someone like Jenny

  679. @jenny @oregonbird: This post made me laugh out loud, and I’ll admit that I also thought, “I’d never spend $300 on a mangy death battle scene…probably.” But I love that Jenny does, and that she makes people so happy in the process. I love it so much that I promise to buy something from one of her advertisers as soon as I get a job. So everyone wins! Except for Jeff. I think he’s about to lose the love of his life (death?) to a mammal.

  680. Right now it’s simply fashionable to hate people who are doing well, no matter how hard they worked to get there. I see it all the time, and it really saddens me. I don’t think anyone should ever apologize for working hard or for trying to accomplish big goals. Anyone who criticizes that is a lost soul.

  681. @oregonbird.
    I definitely hear where you are coming from and you might remember that in Xmas just gone the minions that follow The Bloggess gifted over $40,000 to those in need. Most of them also readers of the blog. Jenny’s humour brings us all together and once in a while a miracle happens. Beyond that though she has served as an example of courage and compassion that helped and guided me to a better place in my life. At a time when my thoughts were at there darkest my connection to this community is what I credit for helping me through the most. I’ve even had a relationship and fell in love with a commenter that I connected with on this blog. How cool is that. Her creativity with the english language has improved my lexicon immensely as well. Shit-snacks is my new favourite expression.
    I don’t wish to make lite of your situation because I have been there myself. But I personally need Jenny to be Jenny. Not Mother Teresa. That is how she helps me the most. I seriously hope that things get better for you.

    Craig.
    Fellow Minion.
    PS. This is not a criticism of @oregonbird. I hope you take this in the spirit intended. Because you rock too.

  682. having been in both the scrounging for coins to pay the bills and having the money to buy whatever I want situations, I can say, because I not my husband worked my ass off for it. Oregon bird I am sorry you are going through a rough patch but keep going. Oh and lay off Jenny.
    Jenny we love you hurry up and write another post I check here every day for my dose of laughter

  683. Nicely done, Jenny! You are right on the money with your response. You’ve been blessed with the ability to make people laugh and that is an AWESOME gift! When we read your blog, we are allowed, for a few minutes, to forget our own lives and embrace the craziness of yours. Thank you for your blog. Thank you for your humor. Thank you for being The Bloggess!

  684. Anyone who criticizes the BEYONCE purchase should remember it’s her husbands fault. Because he wouldn’t let her get towels. Duh.

  686. I am always surprised at how ridiculous you are. Ridiculously funny, witty and charming. But in a second, after doing something crazy and expressing it with some of the most creative combinations of profanity, you turn around and write a post (or in this case, a comment) that is poignant, touching, and makes me cry.

    I’m highly accustomed to laughing so hard I pee or cry from reading your posts, but these little moments where you show your ‘good’ side are my hands-down favorite.

  687. I love how you gracefully took the high road here. I was raised in the ghetto of Philadelphia, so my “Fuck you bitch! I work my ass off and I’ll spend my money on whatever the fuck I want. Isn’t this America??” response might be a little too harsh. However, it does piss me off that you have to explain youself to someone who thinks they know how you should spend your money better than you do.

    PS: Ross rocks!!

  689. I was adopted in the 1960s by parents who grew up in the Great Depression. So I guess I am old fashioned (I believe the hip term is old school) but my ever-frugal folks raised me that, unless I’m paying someone’s bills, how someone spends money his/her is none of my business.

    That said, Oregonbird, I am sympathetic that this shitty economy has caused people you care about such pain. And I think in this world of Internet rudeness, you voiced your concern with class. Jenny, as always, answered with class.

    However, we may want to consider that if no one ever spends any money the economy will remain in the crapper. We need to support each other, buy products that are made and sold by real people so they can pay their bills, and avoid going into significant debt while doing it.

    For what it’s worth, that was the lesson I learned from my elderly, Depression-era parents.

  690. PPS. The Repiblican in me is fuming right now. I need to walk away from the computer before i get banned from this blog, lol!

  691. I read about Beyonce the chicken when I was in a really low point in my life. We had just moved 15 hours from family, from the South into the Northeast (kind of) where it snowed the weekend after we moved into our house. I laughed until I started crying. A good cry that I needed. Then, I emailed my mom the blog link and she laughed until she cried. We both started chatting about how there were times in our lives, in dealing with our respective spouses, we could have really used a Beyonce.

    Night before last, I came back to your blog and read this post. I started laughing until I was snorting so hard, my husband and oldest son thought something was seriously wrong with me. I quickly emailed my mom the link and told my husband, “you just wouldn’t understand.” Again, it came at a time when the stresses of the world were crashing down on me and I needed a way to escape, if only for a few minutes.

    Thank you, Jenny, for making me laugh, for making me forget my problems…and for being you.

  692. Can I say how absolutely ridiculous it is that someone has the Gaul to tell you how you should or shouldnt spend your money. You work for it, you spend it however you want. If everyone looked around their houses they would see things they don’t need and would see things they just wanted such as computers and Internet to obviously read your blogs. I enjoy your writing and I love when you buy things for fun because who else would’ve thought of that? It’s awesome and you do not have to explain yourself. If they don’t like to see what you do then they can sign off and not read it. Simple fix! Can’t wait to see your next fun purchase and how it affects your family. Love it!

  693. Downers of the world, I smite thee with furious happiness, empowered by The Bloggess!

  694. Funny, it just occurred to me that the comments from Oregonbird are the personal, one-on-one version of the president’s insisting that those with means have no right to enjoy their wealth unless they’re willing to share with those who have less than them. Seems a bit absurd from the street view, doesn’t it?

  695. I just read orgegonbird’s comment and your reply. I think that you should both be commended for your sensitivity. Oregonbird had valid points and you addressed them fully and with sincerity and compassion. Thank you for that.

    In regards to Beyonce and the horrifying frozen death match – hysterical! While I have not noticed any stuffed animal gladiators since reading this post, I have noticed quite a few metal chickens and/or roosters hanging about. It’s like an optical illusion that you finally see – now that I’m aware of metal chickens, they are freakin’ EVERYWHERE! It’s as if Hitchcock re-cast The Birds with Beyonces.

    You have been warned.

  696. You are freaking hysterical, I want to be you when I grow up. Why wait? I can dress up for Halloween, I am totally you this year! I’m not even going to tell my husband, I will just surprise him.

    About your post, I was with you on the chicken, but that snake and mongoose are scary looking at the pic.

  697. jenny, you have no idea how much joy my beyonce replica has brought me. my nanny and i both follow you faithfully (sorta like a demigod, that’s normal, right?) ya, your 6 ft beyonce was kinda expensive, but holy shit, if you could just see the smiles on my face every time trish (the nanny) leaves me a sticky note on beyonce. beyonce is a reminder that this life isn’t sooo bad. there is always something to smile about. even if it’s smiling about victor and his damn hand towels. when you share your life with us, you share your family, and it makes each of us feel a little less alone. a little less panic stricken. waiting on miniature copernicus for stocking stuffers this year.

  698. Jenny made a great point in her comment on why she does what she does, “… but also because of the emails I get from people telling me that these posts help them forget the trauma they’re going through right now”. I have an 8 yr old daughter with many many disabilities and she is medically fragile (I also have 2 teenage daughters but that is a whole separate kind of trauma). When we were rushed to the hospital little more than a month ago (yet again), as I was sitting next to her bed in the Special Care Unit praying for her to just “not die” I grabbed my laptop and went straight to The Bloggess. I needed the laugh. I needed the escape. I love that Jenny buys the crazy, silly items most of us would never have the guts to get. Then we get to read about the fiasco that will be sure to ensue from said crazy purchase. We do not have much money what with all the medical bills and missed time from work but it never once occurred to me that Jenny should have to justify a seemingly frivolous purchase because the money would be better spent on more serious matters. Please! Life is serious enough, grab the funny where you can get it and hold on tight!

  699. What? You make enough money to buy nice things?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!! I think the whole point of life is to keep striving to be better, do better, and make things better for others..WHEN YOU CAN. Its kinda that whole ‘I grew up in a refrigerator box so I want my kid to at least have a two-car refrigerator box so I am going to push him/her to color inside the lines rather than that scribble all over the picture shyt he/she is trying to pull. I dont spend good money so my child can have pictures of Barney ‘sharing’ his love out behind the woodshed just so he/she can give me a colorful plate of spaghetti!’

    I think I lost track of what I was trying to put across. If you want frivalous goofy stuff… buy it. Throw a couple of bucks at the Santa at the door on the way out. And what alot of ppl dont want to say is… Alot of ppl in financial distress now because of poor decisions on their own parts.

  700. Just when I think the urge to French-kiss The Bloggess has abated, she responds to a sincere comment in a profound way and shows us all how much humor and courtesy can do … which makes me just want to French-kiss her MORE.

    My husband is okay with it, if he can have a commemorative photograph.

  702. WOW! First of all I have to say ‘WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE’ AND WHY I HAVE NOT FOUND YOUR BLOG TILL NOW!!! Now that I found you I feel like I have found my long lost twisted sister. I have spent the whole weekend reading nothing but your blog, so far I am back to January 2009(or 08, I can’t remember) and you have totally inspired my long squashed twisted soul to come out and play. I feel like she has been hidden for so long and she has just been bursting at the seams to get the hell out. My whole family is looking at me in a whole new set of eyes since I have completely turned off my filter and I’m quite sure that they don’t understand a sentence that has come out of my mouth and are ready to throw me in a padded room….but that’s ok!

  703. If you had let your child go hungry that week so you could afford the death-match scene, you might deserve a good talkin’ to. You spend money you had on something you wanted? Fuck ’em.

  704. Jenny, not only are you funny and clever, but also kind and good-hearted. Your response to Oregonbird demonstrated that fully. Your posts are always an entertaining escape and I swear make you feel like family. (I have a quirky family.)

  705. Jenny — great response. Don’t ever stop buying silly things – you sure as hell don’t have to justify it. Another point that can be made is that whenever we buy something, silly or not, we *are* helping others. If we didn’t buy anything, people wouldn’t have jobs, homes or clothes. Even in buying that cobra/mongoose, Jenny helped someone with a shop keep running their business (which they probably dreamed of having and want to keep), employing others who need jobs. Then these folks have money to pay for their house, clothes, food for themselves and their children.

    I’m not wealthy at all – I work for the state of TX, for crying out loud. I’m a bleeding heart liberal, and I have been in a place once where I had to scrap together spare change to buy groceries. But I sure as hell want people to spend their money so other people can have money so they can go spend it so other people can have money, and on and on.

    If anyone wants to rag on anyone about how they handle their money, go rag on the banks that got a huge handout from taxpayers, yet refuse to let go of that money to stimulate the economy. There’s a whole bunch of folks ragging on that right now.

  706. Jenny- I feel sad that you even felt that you had to justify spending your money on what you want to spend it on. Dont even get me started because ive been in your shoes and my answer was not nearly as graceful as yours (“I am going to spend so much fucking money on trying to have a kid that your head would explode if you knew just how much.”)
    The whole idea that if someone is doing well, people feel it is their duty (even if it is ever so politely) to dress them down for it seems to be a topic of discussion lately.
    I read this yesterday and it hits the nail on the head so beautifully:
    http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/10/07/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-complainypants/

  708. Usually, when I read your blogs, I have tears of laughter in my eyes. Reading your touching response to criticism made me tear up in another way. You have so much class and integrity; instead of responding in a snarky way, you calmly showed what a positive force for good you are in this world. If I had the money, I would buy everything in your store. More so, because I know you use those funds to help people. Really help people. I also keep trying to convince my husband we need to buy a giant metal chicken to keep the giant metal chicken makers in business. I mean, giant metal chicken makers need jobs too, right?

  709. I have to say that I’m actually a little disappointed. when I saw the first picture, I actually thought it was like a great big huge “pythony” sized snake. With a large chupacabra. And so I imagined it to be way bigger. More Beyonce sized. THAT – would have been cool. It was actually a bit of a let down to see the real life scale of them was like – cat sized.

    So I’m going to pretend they are still ginormous.

  710. Ok- I’m going to briefly jump in here. My husband lost his job 3 months ago, through no fault of his own. In any case, as many of you can imagine and idenitfy with, much stress and emotional trauma ensued, what with the economy being what it is. 5 years ago, he would have been employed the next week, now.. not so much. The only thing that’s brought me any relief over these months is reading your blog, and laughing so hard I cry.
    Don’t let anyone get you down, you’re doing more good than you know.

  711. @oregonbird and fellow dissenters…
    I get it. I have a boss that laid off two people and came in the next day on a shiny new motorcycle with an iPad. If it weren’t so frustrating, it would be comical. That being said, it’s his right to do whatever he’d like to.
    I understand where you’re at; I’ve been there, too. This isn’t a dig at the economy, or Obama (like, really? We’re making this blog political, now?), or anything else but what it should be: life so funny that it’s stranger than fiction.
    Maybe you were having a tough day. Maybe everything just came down at you all at once (believe me, I know. I renamed crayons on the floor of my bedroom so I didn’t totally lose my mind last week).
    This is her work, her livelihood. This is what she does to make money. So it’s sorta poetic that she spends the money she makes on things to write about and, in turn, make more.
    I admire her in more ways than one. But it seems odd that you say that she “deserves the adulation” from the Beyonce post in one breath and then seem shocked about the money she spent on it. You can’t have one without the other. Just sayin’.
    I join others in wishing you the very best. I hope things turn around for you. I hope you find the peace that you need while you are getting things back in line. In the meantime, I hope you continue to read. ‘Cause this is funny!

  712. I love your blog. It really cheers me up when I’m even more depressed than usual. I have dealt with people telling me how to (or not to) spend my money too. There was a great rap song a while back that said something about never living if you always lived in your means. That’s how I would be. So every once & a while I go do something. Later someone will say “YOU went there?”. Why shouldn’t I? It’s my life. That’s how I feel about your taxidermied friends. It’s your life & you should feel free to brighten it up with lots of dead animals. Plus it’s very awesome how you keep raising money for charities after buying them.

  713. That was a classy response, Jenny. I started to write more about this weird phenomenon of judging people for spending money on “unnecessary” items during the recession, but then realized I’d end up writing a book about it. Let’s not judge each other and save our shopping-related criticisms for the people who really deserve it: People who have their own shows the E! network.

  715. You. You are amazing. Not only do you make me laugh out loud at work on days when I’ve been trying not to weep, but you also teach me new exciting words: douchecanoe and shitsnacks. Very useful.

    I have appropriated your Ferris Mewler pics for my wallpaper this week. I’m gonna need it.

  717. OregonBird: Never, EVER underestimate the power and value of laughter. There is no doubt in my mind that TheBloggess has saved lives. None. Whatsoever. She has raised soooooo many out of the depths of deep dark depression—even if only for a few hours or moments. I’d be willing to bet that the number of people who have committed suicide while happily laughing their asses off is either miniscule or nil. What value can you place on that? $300 plus $100 = $400, divided by the number of people who felt joy from the experience? Hmmmmmm. Quite worth it, wouldn’t you say?

    Personally, I am one of the “long-term unemployed.” Unemployment benefits are exhausted. No sign of anything improving. Husband is in residential construction—-need I say more? I will——-One of his sub-contractors managed to embezzle several thousands of dollars from him a few months ago, via a client. He used some of the money he stole to hire not one, but two sleazy attorneys so that he wouldn’t have to fork over what he stole. (I still believe in Karma, but just barely, and geez how it takes its time getting there.) Have had multiple expensive medical issues bite us in the butt lately, without insurance to cover them. Jenny’s blogs are the best parts of my week these days. WHEN (not if, I’m afraid) it soon reaches the point where I will have to let go of having internet service at home and go back to using the public library for that, Jenny’s blog will certainly be the first thing I read, every time. Course I’ll probably get kicked out for being too noisy though……..

  718. I couldn’t figure out why the cobra looked so amiable until I realized that he was being attacked at the cobra nursing home. He loses his teeth, retires, and still can’t escape his tormentor. There he is, watching “Matlock” and gumming a dead rat when “Supermangymongooseman” busts through the window to get revenge for something that happened 50 years ago.

  719. I love the card series, she said wiping tears from her eyes, good grief that is a conversation my hubs and I might have.. Also, so perfect that you forgot you ordered that thing and the packing photo, to die for. Genius, simply genius or pure insanity.. meh, I can’t tell.. 😉

  721. This was the first blog of yours I read because one of my friends knows how crazy I am about weird stuff!!
    I was laughing all weekend!!
    i was wishing you lived in San Antonio, because then I would stalk you until you became my friend!!! HAHAAAAHAHAAA…I am kidding…kind of, but in a nice way

  722. I was thinking we should weigh in the real debate here…is it mongeese? I am more on team mongooses

  723. Yeah, regarding the Obama-bashing, there’s a difference between Jenny’s spending $200 on Beyonce the Chicken in order to make people laugh and hedge fund boss David Tepper’s tearing down his $43.5 million mansion to build a bigger one. I think Obama was referring to the latter.

  724. Not all of us from Oregon are guilt-trippers.

    That said, do you read whey single comment on every single blog post? I bet you do.

    (I do. The comments are funnier than the posts. ~ Jenny, Bloggess )

  725. Wait a minute. How did a comparison between a) someone having a problem with Jenny spending money when there are people out of work and b) word out of Washington that people with money shouldn’t be enjoying their wealth and instead should be spreading their wealth around turn into Obama bashing?

    I’m guessing, @avidbruxit, that it’s a matter of degrees? Bashing Jenny for spending a mere $200 isn’t quite the same as bashing others who have more money for not doing something with their money that you or someone in Washington thinks they should be doing instead. Yeah, I guess it is a matter of degrees. It’s not the same. Except when it is. Bashing the president is never ok. Except when it’s Bush or another Republican. But that’s different, right?

    And @Cathy — the person who said “like, really? We’re making this blog political, now?” — yeah, like, some people, do pay attention to politics and see similarities in what’s shown on the nightly news and what people say to one another on blogs.

    It was merely an observation that what Oregonbird said was the same thing — only on a personal level — that in the political arena is being said. And yet people take offense to someone saying it personally. The observation was all about how willing people are to take potshots when they don’t have to see the face of the person they’re wounding.

    For the record, I don’t think anyone has a right to tell Jenny how to spend the money she earns. At least I’m consistent in that I don’t think anyone has a right to tell anyone anywhere how to spend the money they earn.

  727. I just laughed until I nearly pissed myself, not caring a whit if I woke the child. If Victor ever divorces you, can I marry you? We’ll have the cobra/mongoose as our ring-bearer/flower girl.

  728. As a Dave Ramsey certified financial counselor, I can assure you this was a wise purchase ONLY when contrasted to renting this thing.

  730. OMG, this made me laugh just as hard the fourth time I had to read it. Every time I see the line “Would you like a Nutter Butter? THEY ARE DELICIOUS” I think I’m going to bust a gut.

    You rock like a rocking thing.

  731. I will wake up at night and laugh out loud thinking about the “Now I’ve had the time of my life” card. Everyone knows I have a soft spot for captioned animals, but THAT, my friend, is a standout.

  732. Regarding your eloquent response to @oregonbird…did you ever know that you’re my hero?

    Something, something….the wind beneath my wings (my metal Beyonce wings).

    You truly are an inspiration and make me laugh from deep down…I appreciate your blog/humor/writing so very much.

    Love & kisses…

  733. I LOVE that you use your blog to spread joy. I LOVE that you use your blog to help others. I LOVE that you purchase things that others would consider frivolous because it makes your heart sing. I actually asked for (and received) a giant metal chicken of my very own for my 40th birthday last month. I named her Gwenyth and am planning on making a “Flat Gwenyth” to have adventures with me. THIS makes me happy. I plan on putting Gwennie’s adventures into my blog, which I’m hoping will make other people laugh. Then they will be happier. Which would also make me happy. I think laughter is a balm for the soul and have chosen humor to get me through some of the darkest times in my life. If you can’t make fun OUT OF it, then make fun OF it. Words I live by. Thank you for sharing your laughter with us!!

  734. i’m not an economist nor a financial mucky muck. i’m a geeky scientist who things that if money is not spent, then people do not have jobs. the super-rich SHOULD spend their money. cripes, we ALL should spend our money, within reason, of course. unspent or inactive money (earning interest or something) languishes in a mayonnaise jar buried in the backyard. sorry for the diatribe. my knickers seem to be in a bit of twist. 🙂

    jenny, you go right ahead and spend your money any way you please. you do a whole lot of good in the world. your eccentricities (such as buying the totally awesome deathmatch) provide fodder for humor and wit. somebody got paid when you bought those “frivolous” things and in turn, i got to nearly peepee myself laughing yesterday. you are truly someone who understands. thank you. 🙂

  735. Jenny, you give me hope because I have a list of disorders a mile long, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I have used my experience of recovery to write & sell 2 books (so far) that give HOPE to people going through the same kind of nasty shit. Or those who love people who’ve been there. And—you give me hope because I have an anxiety disorder and depression as well; I know what it’s like to come through a down period and how good it feels to realize it’s subsiding. AND– I KNOW how healing it is to be able to look at the world from a different perspective and find joy everywhere. I am so glad you responded so graciously and compassionately to Oregonbird because it also let me know about The Good Bloggess on Twitter and I will definitely follow you there. AND- as one of the people who advertises on your site and gets at least 10 hits a day on my site–if not more– I appreciate what your site does. I have HOPE that my publisher will find a buyer and I will be able to spread all 3 of my books to those who could use a little hope in the darkness. I’m a tough-minded determined woman who doesn’t give up, and I’m pretty sure we have that in common.
    I guess I’m saying, THANK YOU FOR THE HOPE.
    Beth Fehlbaum, author of the Patience Trilogy and advertiser (YA Publisher for Sale)

  736. Honoring your journey, not apologizing for who you are, treating readers/commentators with dignity and respect…a real class act…

    To infinity and beyond!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  737. Just to start with, I’d like to say that the communication between you and oregonbird was a lovely display of kindness, respect, civility and true sincerity on both your parts. I tend to agree with the commenter who said that she probably just hadn’t done her research on you. I’m sure she appreciated your thoughtful response to her as did so many of us.

    The thing I zeroed in on, as an artist, was the humility in the line, “I make money in the dumbest way possible”. It made me think about a post a friend of mine shared on Facebook several weeks ago. It related to how so many musicians are approached by various organizations with the pitch that “this will be a good opportunity for you, get you exposure” rather than payment in the form of, you know, money. I’ve done my fair share of those gigs. And it sent me off on a bit of a diatribe about the lack of value placed on the arts in our society. (Okay, I see how your thought and that post don’t have anything to do with one another, my brain just farted and made the connection.)

    Your art is your ability to write about the way your brain works. That’s how I see it. This gift of seeing things in ways that many don’t and then being able to convey it so well that we, your readers, dissolve into helpless giggles or gales of laughter, wiping away the tears so we can continue reading. And those times when you share the darkness into which you are sometimes swallowed, like many of us out here, are gifts of another level.

    I can’t do that. I can’t begin to join you or so many of your brilliant readers and commenters in a dialogue of wit and snark. That’s why I’m a singer but not a songwriter. It’s not my gift. But I am blessed with enough brain to see it and know it. I stand in awe and great appreciation of you who can. And immense gratitude for all you and so many others bring to my world. Joy, tears, a new point of view, something new to ponder.

    So, there it is. My understanding of what it is you do, contribute. And my sincere thanks.

  738. If you ever decide you want to part with it – I know my school would love to have it for their display. They have lots of dead animals, most of them doing nothing but standing there. This one however would be action packed adventure dead animal display and I am sure would draw in the crowds. Would it help if I told you we are hoping to use our dead animal display for outreach for small children? This one we could call “the circle of life”. If you really would be interested or if Victor would be interested in sending it, let me know as I will happily look into the details. It’s just so cool! And the packing peanuts nom nom nom is hysterical.

  739. Annnnnd, I just caught up on the rest of the comments. Good job Jenny. Great job. And I understand where both oregonbird and you were coming from. But making people laugh and smile is worth 10 dollars in the bank. I am not rich, by any means, and I would rather be happy, than rich. I get by – like many Americans/people do today. And reading your blog and laughing until I snort and almost pee myself (I think I need some sort of surgery for that….) makes my life easier and more enjoyable. You know you mean something to someone way up here in WA state when I ask myself “self, I wonder what Jenny is up to today”. I get really disappointed when you haven’t posted for a day or to – because I am missing my humorful wonderful Jenny. Thank you for being you – and I look forward to contributing to future acts of charity in your honor. I don’t use twitter, because I am an idiot, so I do hope you organize something here!

  740. I love this post and just shared it with like a gazillion people (that’s 7 to you and me)!
    I also buy random things on impulse but this has to be the most impulsive purchase I’ve ever witnessed. I am going to print the post / order some of your cards and leave it in a prominant place in the house so next time I buy something impulsive (say for example the new DSLR I reaalllly am trying hard not to buy) it will pale in comparison to the stuffed animal purchase!!

  742. I think it’s sort of funny how people justify their positions by explaining how poor they are/were. Seriously – we have ALL been there… unless you are Paris Hilton… its highly likely that you know exactly how it feels to go through a rough patch. We are all the same, mostly… struggling to get through the day-to-day… some of us digging deeper into debt, others digging out… all of us just trying to get the bills paid and have a little extra. And I dont think its out of line to use that little extra – for whatever the heck you want… you EARNED it. If you want to give it to those in need – DO! If you want to paint fairies on your toenails or stuff it into some chicks underwear – then DO!!

    It’s awesome that Jenny gives financially… that her readers do. But more than that… she gives us laughter… so much to the point where I choke on my coffee trying to stifle it… and I personally would rather she spent her internet-zillions on whatever keeps the funny rolling. Because that helps me get through MY day-to-day. Thanks Jenny – You truly rock.

  744. I {heart} this…you make no apologies for who you, honoring your journey while giving dignity and respect. Truly a class act.

    To infinity and beyond…by way of cobras and mongooses…and crows!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  745. Lucky for me there is no “water cooler” time at my job because I spend all my breaks reading & re-reading your blogs because there is NOTHING BETTER IN THE WORLD than laughing my ass off which is what I do every time I read your blog! Okay, maybe my children are better. Maybe.

  746. PS I’m an internet idiot and I just finally realized today how to leave a proper comment on your blog. But I’ve written about you many times on my personal blog and shared your blog every chance I get, every since I discovered you. So that’s why I’m leaving 2 comments on this blog. Because I’ve got pent-up Bloggess love. There. Whew! I feel better.

  748. hahahahahaha @ awesome death match gum….. I think you’re the only person I’ve ever heard of that impulse buys taxidermy animals…. ever.

  749. You and I are kindred spirits. This reminds me of something from high school. The INSTANT I saw the picture of Robert Rauschenberg’s sculpture “Monogram” in my humanities text book, I blurted out to the class, “OMG I WANT THIS IN MY HOUSE! IT’S SO AWESOME!” Everyone looked at me like I had just sprouted antennae, and finally someone asked me why I would want such a thing. Me: “Just to make people wonder…..and it would be a GREAT conversation piece. ‘So I see you have a shaggy goat wearing a tire…..'” http://www.lukechueh.com/archives/images/other_images/Rauschenberg%20Monogram.jpg <—"Monogram"

    I would TOTALLY buy a giant metal rooster AND the cobra/mongoose death statue. Also, the light-up metal flaming giraffe statue at the Dali museum in St. Pete.

  750. @thebloggess – regarding your response to Oregonbird, bad-assery is not a competition.
    And if it were, I’m pretty sure you’d hold your own and then some.
    It’s also nice to know that visiting your blog drives up your page counts and gets you better rates, since you seem to be using the money better than I ever would (or do).
    Thanks!

  751. I am so in love with you… either that or I want to BE you. Haven’t decided yet… You rock!

  753. Oh dear Lord, I just laughed myself into an asthma attack. For reasons that are unclear to me and definately needed to be addressed, I have not read your blog in months. That will be remedied. Seriously…highlight of my week!

  756. I hate it when I read this blog and laugh until I cry and then I look like I’m sobbing at my desk. Of course, a lot of people DO sob at their desks, so maybe I just look normal.

  757. Wow Jenny. Seriously, wow. I read the original post and thought it was cool – as always. In fact I almost referenced it today in a conversation that had nothing to do with mongooses or cobras (but did have to do with cats nomming). And ever since I found your blog I’ve thought you were pretty damn great.

    Now, after reading your response to @oregonbird, I think you’re pretty damn amazing.

    (BTW I’ve had my hair professionally cut twice in the last 6 years, aside from that I cut it myself. The last manicure I had was in 2001. I buy those deal/groupon type vouchers so that I can have treats and extras and eat out occasionally without having to spend a fortune. I don’t have a lot of disposable income, but even I like to buy myself something nice, or pretty, or silly now and then. And I’ve never once felt that you were being wasteful, or shouldn’t spend your money as you see fit. Buy a convertible, drive it for a week and then park it in a garage with 16 others to rot – then I’ll be pissed off.)

  759. Jenny, you rock! My first encounter with you was the Beyonce incident. And my first impression was somewhat similar to oregonbird’s but I decided to learn more about you and what you’ve achieved when I wasn’t looking and I was really impressed. And then I had to introduce my husband to your blog, too, over your battle with Jose and Brandlink. You are an amazing, amazing woman and you should be furiously happy with yourself because you are just that good.

  760. Hi Jenny! Do you KNOW how many times in the last month I have been posting this to random people’s walls? If you ever come to the West Coast of Canada (we are the non-snowy part that always rains like Seattle) drop me a line, we’re ALL going out. Love and candy!

  761. Miss Jenny,
    Thank you so much for what you do. I linked this particular post on Twitter and had a number of friends who are in pretty dire straits thank me. You make us laugh. When the chicken of depression (dark twin to the bluebird of happiness) is taking a huge dump on my head, you give me the belly laughs I need to face the world.

  762. I’m sure I’m only repeating what others have said before me but…omg! and wtf! this is beyond hilarious…you’re awesome! keep on keepin on!

  766. I have tears coming down my face…tears of joy and longing for my own cobra vs honey badger/mongoose/riki tiki tavi.

  767. For serious – I want this for my college. If you aren’t going to keep it – please consider donation to my college! It would be awesome and I would make sure to give you Supreme Credit!

  768. I’m totally going to be buying the desk statue for my boss for Christmas. He’ll love it. Probably.

  769. OMG! Just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any funnier, you go and pull a stunt like this! I would have shit on myself if I opened the box and saw that cobra.

  772. I make my husband read these types of blogs of yours so that he knows he isn’t alone in being married to someone who never stops surprising him… In a bad way.

  773. Proof: Just made him read this and he said, “You don’t buy animal statues.”

    I said, “My mongoose/cobra wars are more metaphorical.”

    He said, “True, like the sex blog you keep where you basically pretend to be single.”

    I said, “Good example, Honey.”

  774. I just read this post and could barely breathe and had tears running down my cheeks because I was laughing so hard.

  776. Did you know your mongoose/cobra battle royal is FAMOUS??? We watched Ghost World in my film class today, and I about peed myself when I saw this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOiLAoZNa0A. Obviously there is no way there is more than one of these in the world, so it must be them. Basically, they are so awesome they have film credits.

  777. I seriously just laughed until I cried. I’m pregnant, so it hurt, but it was SO worth it. Thank you so much. I needed that.

  779. Serena #44 couldn’t have said it any better…

    “You had me at “knock, knock, motherfucker” way back when…and it keeps getting better!”

    so glad I read. frickin’ awesome!
    thx for the laughs!

  780. Hey, *I* know what that feels like! I was doing a bit of cleaning, and by cleaning I mean moving around plastic bags with shit that doesn’t fit anywhere else in the dark corner that is not visible from the door, and put my hand inside one plastic bag first all “I wonder what amazing treasures I’ve hidden here!” and then all “HOLY MOTHER OF ALL FUCKS WHAT IS IT?!?” before I realized it was the gigantic python skin my excited self had once acquired at the local zoo and then promptly forgot. So, yeah, *plenty* of people know what that feels like!

  781. Let me start off with i love you!
    Not in the creepy ‘i want to have your babies and make dolls out of your hair way’ but in the ‘ we need to be friends and encourage retarded impulse buys’ type of way. This is the greatest find EVER!

    But seriously, this really is the funniest fucking thing ive ever read. maybe it helps that my sister sent me this, because she thought i may have wrote it, until she realized im not married…oh, and im on a different continent right now. Just the fact that my sister would even for a second think that someone who failed english 3x in college (me) would write this makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

    Although it was probably the nature of the find, because i would so buy this from you if you let me. It is amazing! i want to put it between my steel pin from the Rolling Stones stage build and the creepy, albino, chlamydia-ridden koala photo i have which was my sister’s Christmas present to me 2 years ago (she adopted it for me).

    I have no idea who you are but i love you. you are amazing. i am signing up for your blog right now!

    -Sincerely the ‘i promise im not actually a serial killer, i just love weird random shit’ girl,
    Dani

  782. I clicked on the “Romance” link, and Zazzle said it couldn’t find my product but here are some other suggestions I might like. And it showed me a rubber ducky tie. I was already laughing so hard I could barely breathe, and that didn’t help!

  783. “RICKY WITH EYEBALLS AFLAME!”

    “Honey badger don’t give a shit.” The funniest effin’ shit EVAH.

    Mongeese is the plural of mongoose. It just is. It makes sense.

    “Holy shitsnacks” is on par with “Holy fuckfarts.”

    Christ the wine has taken over. Good night.

  788. My husband is an EOD Tech (Bomb Squad U.S. Army) they returned from Afghanistan in July. Their unit mascot is the Mongoose. I will totally buy this from you! No kidding, really! They would enjoy it at the shop 🙂

  789. I just saw a honey badger vs. Cobra Tshirt at target today. You may have issue with yet another large corporation?!?

  791. This one’s my favorite. If you ever record yourself screaming, I’ll make it my ringtone.

    PS – I named a band after you.
    PPS – I know you already noticed, but I wanted to go on record.
    PPPS – Thanks for noticing

  793. surely someone else must have spotted this (or there is some link I as a newbie here am unaware of), but I was casually browsing through the adelineadeline bicycle blog/tumblr when I encountered

    http://adelineadeline.tumblr.com/day/2011/11/14
    photo #11

    There’s another one, all the way over in Denmark, in a bicycle shop of all places.

  794. I read this post when it was originally shared. This morning, nearly four months later, I’m watching ‘Ghost World’ starring Thora Birch and Steve Buscemi in which the movie has the mongoose and cobra in it! I managed to go through one hundred of your comments trying to see if anyone else mentioned this and couldn’t find a reference alluding to the film. I could go the distance and check the six hundred remaining comments, but I have to wrangle my demon cat into a carrier so that I can safely get a shower.

    By the way, I’m planning to order the ‘People to Kill’ notebook prior to my mother’s book-signing in Chicago. I will let you know how the TSA reacts. Or you could you just stay glued to CNN the second week of April.

  796. This is the best blog for anybody who desires to find out about this topic. You notice so much its almost onerous to argue with you (not that I truly would want…HaHa). You undoubtedly put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for ages. Nice stuff, simply nice!

  799. This exists. THIS EXISTS! Boy, do I love me some internets. Please keep being you, we love you! <3

  800. P.S. I am totally going to buy your book as soon as humanly possible. Thank you for your existence.

  801. Has /nobody/ seen the episode of Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends where Bloo wants to buy a taxidermied mongoose-killing-a-snake for $300 at a swap meet but everyone else thinks it’s disgusting? Because seriously, that is way to freaky of a coincidence.

  803. I can’t believe I missed this one before. So glad you linked it. I was laughing so hard, I might still throw up.

  804. I found this post because in Orlando there is a live cobra on the loose. I casually mentioned to my husband (whom I never quit suprising him with the my childhood stories) I wonder where our stuffed cobra/mongoose is. I found this picture and showed him it. Our mongoose had all it’s fur. Typical response from him was to slap his hands to his face and raise his face upwards to the heavens with the question, please tell me more. Well dad brought it back from one of his tours with the US Marines. It didn’t go smoothly with customs but my mom proudly displayed it in her formal living room. By the way, she also had some velvet paintings, asian furniture, colonial styled furniture, doilies everywhere, the vinyl and plastic bar with the Holy Bible on the coffee table.

  805. This is still my favorite post of all-time. I go to it when I need to laugh really really hard. Also – I work in HR and I play your chapter on that when I need to laugh about work. Thank you Jenny for providing amazing fodder to get me out of a funk.

  806. There will never be a time when I don’t laugh myself into a hysterical mess over this. I keep the “shared” link on my Facebook page just so it reminds me of it every year. My husband literally thinks I’m a lunatic sitting in here laughing like a loon on cocaine right now. 🤣😜

  807. Aw, this was a really nice post. Finding the time and actual effort to produce a
    top notch article… but what can I say… I put things off a lot and never seem
    to get anything done.

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Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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