The fight goes on.

in more than meets the eye, sickness

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I’ve been battling off one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve ever had.  Yesterday it started to pass, and for the first time in weeks I cried with relief instead of with hopelessness.  Depression can be crippling, and deadly.  I’m lucky that it’s a rare thing for me, and that I have a support system to lean on.  I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.

When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery.  We call them survivors.  Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t.  We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.  Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.  We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors.  Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it.  Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

Regardless, today I feel proud.  I survived.  And I celebrate every one of you reading this.  I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win.  I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again.  I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger.  We learn new tricks on the battlefield.  We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them.  We don’t struggle in vain.

We win.

We are alive.

 **********

I wrote this post a month ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to post it then.  I was too weak from fighting to shout, and so instead I whispered this into the night and left it unpublished until I felt like I could speak to it with the battle-cry it deserves.  Years ago, coming out about depression and anxiety disorder was something frightening, but now people are more honest and open and so much of the shame has dissipated.  We may not have pink ribbons or telethons but we know that someone out there understands.  That is, until we’re honest about how it affects us.  I’ve never written about this because I can’t talk about it without it being a trigger but I think it’s important to be honest even when it’s scary.  Especially when it’s scary.

I self-harm.  I don’t do it all the time and it’s not enough to put me into an institution or threaten my well-being, but it’s enough to make it frightening to live in my body sometimes.  I’m far from suicidal.  I do it to self-sooth, because the physical pain distracts me from the mental pain.  It’s one of those things that’s impossible to explain to people who don’t understand impulse control disorder.  Honestly, I find it hard to understand it to myself and I’m working my ass off to fix it now before my daughter is old enough to see the things I don’t want her to see.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am safe.  My disorder is fairly mild and is becoming more controlled.  I’m in therapy and I’m not in danger.  I avoid triggers and I’ve found therapies and drugs that are helping.  I’m getting better.  But I sort of feel like I can’t completely heal from this without being honest about it.  So here it is.  Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before.  And so are you.  And chances are that many of your friends, family and coworkers are dealing with things like this.  Things that are killing them a little inside.  Things that kill people who don’t get help.  Silent, bloody battles that end with secret victors who can’t celebrate without shame.  I hope that this post changes this somehow.  I hope that you feel safe enough to be honest about the things you are the most ashamed of.  I hope you have someone there telling you “It’s okay.  You’re still the same person to me.”

I hope to one day I see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle and that they celebrate the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.

I hope one day to be better and I’m pretty sure I will be.  I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame.  I hope it for you too.

But until then, it starts slowly.

I haven’t hurt myself in 3 days.  I sing strange battle-songs to myself in the darkness to scare away the demons.  I am a fighter when I need to be.  

And for that I am proud.

2,647 thoughts on “The fight goes on.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. We’re all for the better that you are a fighter when you need to be. Hang in there, and know that there are many out here that you don’t even know who are pulling for you.

  2. I think you are an amazing example for everyone out there, and especially people struggling with similar issues! It’s so empowering to see someone who is so fun and funny and smart and accomplished…who also has this thing that sometimes takes over her life. It’s always a part of you but it ISN’T YOU.

    You’re awesome and thank you for sharing something so deeply personal.

  4. You are strong, even when you feel weak. Thank you for this post and so many others you have written. I hope you know how many days you brighten with your humor and candor even when your day meets you with struggles. It’s a new year and every day is a fresh start. I wish you all the best in 2012.

  5. Wow. I hope I can acknowledge the strength my friends’ with depression have. Thank you for enlightening me. You are bad-ass!

  7. Thank you for this courageous post, and for all the ways you shine a light on a misunderstood and under-respected illness. One that I too battle. xox

  8. I for one am proud of you and your fight to bring the darkness to light. I have seen the love of my life struggle with anxiety, and while I want so badly to be able to protect him from everyone and everything, I know that part of the battle is learning to do this himself. I agree with Victor though; I’d rather have him weak and broken than not at all. Good for you for giving a face to this horrible disease, and for working so hard to kick its ass for yourself and for those you love!

  11. Thank you…from someone who has been where you’ve been far too many times. May we all eventually find lasting peace with ourselves.

  12. I’m so proud of you! I too came out of the depression closet very publicly and I commend you for taking care of yourself, getting the help you need and sharing your story so that others may hopefully help themselves too. Love you! xoxo Renee aka cutiebootycakes 🙂

  15. I don’t know you, but I love you. For speaking your truth and fighting the fear. Thank you. I fight as well, cry with the losses and roar with a victory. Roar more!

  20. I usually leave jokey type comments – but I gotta say, you should be proud to be able to write and post something like this. You help a lot of people, myself included. xoxoxo

  22. Keep fighting the good fight. You’re doing all you can.

    I was there. I fought. One day, I just decided to say “fuck it” and faced the world head on. It was like a lightbulb.

    Not everyone has lightbulb moments. All you can do is fight and scrape and refuse to fail, hoping for the switch to be turned on.

  23. WHATEVER, depression and anxiety make me tremendously wonderful company. Come here and let’s lie on opposite sides of the sofa together, staring blankly into space, hoping the phone doesn’t ring.

  24. I always knew you were a rockstar. This just proves it even more. Reaching out and telling your story helps everyone. It helps people understand you, it helps people understand depression, it helps people understand that just because you ARE depressed and have issues doesn’t mean you aren’t a beautiful human being inside and out. You are a crusader, even if accidentally.

    Much love and chin up.

  25. I am so, so grateful to have you in my life, Jenny. I haven’t self-harmed in the traditional sense in a couple of years, but I do it in other ways every day. You’re so damn brave. Love you.

  29. I’m so glad you feel like you can be honest with all of us like this. That is so brave! Big hugs to you! I’ve battled depression for years and am constantly amazed at how little people understand about it.

  30. I have fought depression for the better part of 30 years. I’ve been diagnosed for less than half that. While I don’t self-harm physically, I do stupid things to counteract and distract from the Shitty (my coined word for my own depression). So many of us have been there, girl. SO. MANY.

    You know as well as I do, you have to take it a day at a time and every 24 hour period is a victory in and of itself.

    Keep celebrating.

    xo

  31. I think it is amazing that you are speaking of this openly. So many people see it as a disease of the weak and that people should be ashamed. As someone who comes from a long lineage of depressed folks, it is refreshing to have someone be so straight forward about it. Keep on fighting. You are an inspiration to the rest of us.

  32. *Standing Ovation*

    You’re a wonderful person. Keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight.

  33. Jenny, HUGE pat on the back from me. I’d carry you through the streets on my shoulders if I could, but I’m weak and lazy. I have the scars, too… But you show me, in the times when you’re able, to show me, show us all (writers) what we can be. Fight on. I’m in your corner.

  35. Your honesty & bravery is making anyone who suffers with mental illness, better. Thank you.

  36. I love your honesty and perseverance. You are beacon of light even in your darkest times.

    Thank you for being awesome.

    I teared up reading this. XO

  38. Thank you. I just assumed I was alone-I just assumed it was teen aged girls who did that and I, at 50, was a total aberration.

    But can the ribbon be platinum? I’m allergic to silver 🙂

  40. I just wanted add my support. I appreciate the honestly in this post. It’s gripping and special. So many people need to hear this, including me. Thank you for having the courage to face today and the balls to press “post”.

    I’m going to go back into lurking now, but I am always here with you no matter how many fabulous flaws you might have. I’m here as are so many of your fans who respect, appreciate, and adore you.

    Here’s to a bright new year! xoxo

  42. thank you for sharing this. Those that don’t battle this will never completely understand. I didn’t until it started happening to me. Unfortunately I have no insurance, so it’s a battle I fight without the help of therapy or drugs. Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who helps me through my super dark times.

    I seriously love you for sharing your hard times as well as your happy times. xoxox

  43. We love you and are so impressed with your courage for this post. I wish I could hug you for real. And if you put silver ribbons in your store, I’d wear one proudly. I have depression and anxiety disorder too. xo

  44. This made me cry. Thank you for speaking up. No one in my life understands what I go through, and it is overwhelming to read about someone else who feels the same way.

  46. What an amazing and personally revealing post. My heart goes out to you on your dark days and rejoices with you on the bright ones. You are a brilliant writer and I truly enjoy your blog. Thank you for having the courage to share your deeply toughing story.

  48. From a fellow “survivor” of what depression can do, this is me patting you on the back. It sucks, it’s debilitating, but in those moments when you can pull out of it, life feels oh so right all over again.

    Stay strong.

  49. You are amazing. Balls to the wall awesome. I know that fight, and every day you make it deserves a big fucking hell yeah. I love you more, not less, because of your battles. Not feeling alone is so damn important. Thanks for letting us take this ride with you, and being so brave and strong.

  50. I don’t want this to sound flippant, but it takes a lot of bravery to share something so deeply personal and painful to you. I truly admire that. My friends and family know I struggle with depression, but a lot of them don’t understand how strongly it holds onto me. That’s not because they don’t care, but because I try so hard to hide it and pretend everything is fine. Even when I do share it and tell them what’s going on, people have a hard time understanding it unless they’ve dealt with it themselves. Thank you for giving such a strong voice to a usually private battle.

  51. Way to go, Jenny. This post will help so many people. What a good mom you are. Hugs.

  52. I’ve never commented here before, but you are an inspiration to me, as a writer, as a humorist, and as someone close to my age who has been engaged in an ongoing war with depression. Thank you for this, bless your heart for writing it.

  57. You’re amazing.

    I can empathise. I hope you know that lots of people will read that post and completely respect and admire you for your honesty about a subject which so many people are afraid to talk about. Depression is not a weakness, I think it makes us pretty bloody strong to battle it every day, even on the days it’s not there.

    Loving you.

  59. Thank you for writing this. Just…thank you.

    I wish you never had to feel this way..but it gives me an odd sort of comfort to know I’m not alone…that you’re surviving. You are such a beautiful person..and this just shows me that even more.

    ..Even if my physical response to this post has my eyes doing weird misty things.

    PS – You can sing to me..anytime. Keep fighting. xo

  60. You brave, beautiful woman. As a fellow fighter I salute you and your story and your courage. Sing those songs, tell your tales. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    xox

  61. Thank you for this. I have fought anxiety disorder since I was 20 and every time it rears its ugly head I have to fight against rising feelings of hopelessness that I will never be free of it. Most of my friends and family don’t understand what it’s like or why I can’t just “snap out of it.” Reading your posts makes my heart hurt for you. I’m sending you all my good wishes.

  62. I’m not usually much for commenting on websites because I don’t necessarily think anyone cares much what I have to say amongst a sea of other commenters, but I couldn’t let this one pass by. While I don’t struggle with this particular disorder myself, I know many people close to me who do. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself (both today and every day) for having the courage to speak this out loud. Every cause needs a pioneer, I suppose, and even if that isn’t what you want to be, the strength it took to write this may just inspire someone else to be that. Sending a million long distance hugs your way. I know you can survive this.

  64. Thank you for writing this. I find hope and strength in your honesty, transparency and willingness to be vulnerable with all of us (many many of us who have never even met you). Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    Much love to you.

  68. thank you for this post, jenny.

    ironically, a lot of us cancer “survivors” resist that label, because we don’t like the whole war metaphor. we would rather the pink ribbons would melt away so that we can just tell our stories, in their raw messiness, so people would not expect us to be positive and heroic.

    to me, a true hero is somebody who tells her story as it is and as it happens. thanks for doing that today.

  69. Thank you, Jenny. Below the surface, there are all kinds of creepy-crawlies. Your standing up and talking about them makes them shrivel in the sunlight. Thank you.

  70. Shit, just realized I screwed my links up. Ah well. Just so you know I’m not a troll, I’ve added them here.

  71. Thank you for posting this. I love reading your crazy a$$ posts and can totally relate to many of them… I feel like I relate to you so much more now. Stay strong.

  72. Yay! Congratulations and I’m so happy for you! I is very difficult to come out of any bout of depression whether you want to admit it or not. I have been depressed and didn’t want to admit it for years. Luckily, I never hurt myself physically; however, I did suffer silently even though I’m sure my loved ones knew something was not right. I applaud you for sharing your victories and your struggles! I wish I could be as honest as you and I wish that the world would support those who suffer as it is real and it’s difficult.

    I am thrilled and I pray you will continue on your journey on your terms and not compromised by the hurt and pain that depression fills us with.

  73. Jenny, glad you battled through it. You are a survivor. May there be a sea of silver ribbons — I mean, think of all the people returning from a decade of war, too…will that be the catalyst that forces us to acknowledge the disease here and necessity of support?

    Anyway, when my RSD flares up (like now), I have an portable electroshock therapy unit (TENS) to stimulate my nerves so I can still walk, jump, exercise, wear socks (no joke, sometimes the pain is so bad I can’t stand touch at all, even of a soft, light sock). Just the discomfort of the small, pulsing shocks causes me to sigh in an agony of relief from the pounding pain.

    Why don’t we have something like this for people in severe depression, like you, who need pain to self-soothe?

  74. You are brave. You are loved. You give so much hope to others living with depression. I am so very grateful you share with others who may see a twinkle of themselves in your and your situation. Jenny, please keep sharing as you can. Sending so much love to you, J-J-Jenny and the Bets. Love you always. xoxoxoxo

  76. I never comment here, but I wanted to speak up to say that you are brave and wonderful and you have no reason to be ashamed.

    Happy New Year!

  77. I only know you through twitter and your blog. But I love you. And I’m really glad you share the good stuff and the dark stuff. Be well.

  78. Thank you for your honesty and clarity. I just put my silver ribbon on!

  79. Thank you for sharing this. I am battling my own depression and such honesty helps me.

  80. I’m right there with you Jenny, as are so many. We CAN make it through this. Thank you for having the courage to speak up and let us know we’re not alone. *Huge, massive hugs*

  81. The more people that are brave enough to speak out the closer we’ll be. Keep fighting, I’m glad you have the support.

    I am the support for someone and its hard, thank you for recognising that. *hugs*

  82. I’ve tried to explain even to myself why self-harming is a way for me to avoid true suicide. I’m not sure I’ve ever come up with an answer, but it is good to remember that I’m not the only one. (I’m at more than six years since my last self harm, but I still ponder suicide every day despite being happier than I ever have.)

  83. Thank you so much for sharing this. I had my fist struggle with depression this year. I am 23 years old and I had no idea why I was feeling so hopeless and alone. At times I felt lie life as I knew it was over because my sadness overwhelmed my life, I couldnt function at work because I kept crying, i couldnt play with my son because all I wanted to do was cry and my hisband was so scared that it was him that was making me sad. Im glad I got through it and Im glad that there are people like you out there that have a bigger voice than I do to share your story. I admire you and appreciate your honesty!

  84. Hurray! Huzzah! You made it! Now, do yourself a favor and join up with this site: http://www.askabipolar.com/
    I’m not saying you’ve joined the bipolars of the world (although, my sister does say “my crazy makes me awesome”….she’s the founder), but it helps me when my depression gets the better of me. They also have a FB site, everyone there is awesome. It’s just a suggestion, and they have MANY suggestions for those fighting the fight. Again, hurray! Huzzah! Go you! 🙂
    Cheers!

  86. I’m always glad for the reminder that I am not alone, that there are other people out there who suffer the same way I do and maybe even in worse ways. Thank you for putting your own struggle into words and sharing and I hope these comments serve as a reminder of your influence and your strength. Keep your head up.

  87. Thanks for sharing your story, I find it heartbreaking that someone that makes me laugh so hard deals with such a struggle. I am happy you are winning the fight.

  89. I have either 5 words, or 10,000. Seeing as this is a comment form, and not a book or Facebook status, I think I’ll go with, “Thank you for writing this.”

  91. Thank you thank you thank you. You put a face on a disorder that very few understand or even recognize as a real health issue. Depression is a motherfucker and it’s often something we fight in private because we fear that we’ll look crazy. I mean, isn’t it just sadness? Can’t you just STOP being sad? If it were that easy then we’d all be Mary Fucking Poppins, all cheery and flying through the air with an umbrella. Well, it doesn’t work like that. So thank you for sharing your disorder and hopefully those who didn’t ‘get’ what depression does to a person will understand it a little better now.

  92. You are the most awesomest! Depression is truly a battle and a war. I’m so glad you fight because, honey, I LOVE reading your stuff. Hope you find love, peace and light.

  93. Jenny, I love you. Period, point blank. As someone above me posted, its a part of you but it doesn’t make you who you are. Thank you for being strong enough to be weak, like everyone else.

  94. You are brave. You are loved. You give so much hope to others living with depression. I am so very grateful you share with others who may see a twinkle of themselves in your and your situation. Jenny, please keep sharing as you can. Sending so much love to you, J-J-Jenny and the Bets. Love you always. xoxoxoxo

  95. I have always admired your writing, your humor and your honesty. I admire you even more now and know that you are strong! I can’t wait for your book to come out!

  96. Thank you. I connect with almost every word you wrote. I hope your struggles become fewer and your happy days far outnumber your sad ones.

  99. What a brave post . . . fight on Jenny. You are amazing, in ways you might not know.

  100. I will look in my craft box. I don’t think I have silver ribbon, but I do have sparkly grey yarn. I will find a way…

    Why?

    Because I’ve survived, too. And I need to remember not just to be happy that someone else is surviving… but that it’s OK to shout and cheer over surviving.

  101. Unless someone steals my food, I don’t cry. I am currently sobbing like a baby, as I have and am suffering from something so similar. It’s a lifelong battle, not just to find peace within ourselves, but to try and justify those moments when peace is the absolute last thing that you’re feeling, if you’re feeling anything at all.

    I’m there right now, fighting to claw my way back to the top before I let myself be buried once again. I know my signs, I know my tools, I know my triggers. But I also know what a goddam hard road it is to pull ahead. Reading this today–from you–had given me a little bit more strength. Although internally it feels like it does, life doesn’t stop for depression. You still have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that you don’t fall flat on your ass. However, knowing someone else is taking those same steps can mean the world.

    In other words, thank you.

  103. Jenny–

    Your bravery is an inspiration to all of us who struggle, in whatever way, in whatever manifestation. I wish you continued progress in your journey. I thank you for your honesty, and I thank for sharing both the humor and struggles in your life. As my mother and I always say, we want to be your new best friends 🙂 I think, after reading this post, that holds true all the more…
    Even though we may never meet, I offer my thoughts and support…

  104. We love you Jenny. And we get this. I get this. You are inspiring and wonderful. And if you ever need anything from me/us you know you just have to ask. I just blogged about my year in review – depression included. Thanks to brave bloggers like you I’ve had the guts to say it out loud. Xoxo

  105. I hate to tell you but you are the best the absolute BEST spokesperson for this. You pretty much defy all the stereotypes–the idea that depression is the result of humorlessness or self-pity or people choose it or want it or get something out of it.

    It can make a person pretty damn humorless, etc. No one could get sick of me for leaning on them except maybe my husband. I think the best gift I’ve been given is that my relatives are so much worse off–I am the healthy one, relatively speaking. I can’t afford to give up as I’m the only one with the strength to paddle this boat full of debilitated family members from the 10,000 foot waterfall most of the time. Although I might anyway, of course.

    It’s so funny because I could have written this post. Exactly TO THE WORD. So apparently there are a lot of us. I was even in remission for almost a year. Until recently. But that might pass soon. I’m hoping this is a glitch and I’ll get back to the remission. You do feel scared it will happen again even if you are in a hiatus for such a long time, as I have been.

    Keep on, stay alive as long as you can. And thanks.

  107. You put a smile on my face by sharing this. My partner has depression and social anxiety disorder. It is an every day battle, and there are definite cycles with any of these disorders. I’ve gotten to the point where I recognize his cycles (which helps!)

    But it still is never easy watching someone you know go through this. Our automatic response is to help, however, with depression, it’s not going away. It’s always there, always around. The deep low cycles are the ones most noticeable to others, those can’t be hidden.

    But it’s always there, in the thoughts, in the head, in the body. It is truly an illness that so many have no idea about so thank you for sharing a bit of you about depression.

    I have to read your blog more often.

  108. From one fighter to another…..well said! I often say that if I would go to therapy for my leg, why not for my mind??

    I have come a LONG way in 12 years. I have still a lot to go but in the end, I know that you and I will win over the demons of depression and anxiety!

    You are not alone!

  109. Somehow? This made the holes I keep tripping into with this pregnancy a little less deep and scary.

    I do feel like my depression is something I can talk about online, but not with my real life family and friends. they say it’s ok, but they don’t get it. I am a burden. and I feel it constantly.

  110. As someone in the middle of the darkness right now I find strength in the fact that you survived. Much love to you and all those around you.

  112. Oh, and I’ve taken to singing Sheldon’s mom’s “Soft Kitty” to myself. (Big bang Theory) Dang if she wasn’t right that it makes you feel better. 🙂

  113. Jenny – you do what you need to do to take each day as it comes. We’re all rooting for you. Keep making us laugh!

  115. Wow, just wow. I think that’s the most articulate description of battling depression I’ve ever read. You are brave, and amazing, and it’s ok because you are still the same person you were to me when I read about Beyonce. I will be happy to wear a silver ribbon-after many years I am stable, and managed to get through some recent trauma without self harming-haven’t in almost 3 years. I know there will be another battle, but as you so eloquently state, I’ve learned new tricks on old battlefields. I am unashamed to tell people that I spent time in a mental health facility-it saved my life and taught me that like you, I am a survivor.
    Keep fighting, friend.

  116. I’m a stranger and everything but I’m damn proud of you. For writing this, for hitting publish, for owning this and working through it and for wanting better and going after it for you.

  117. I needed to read this for so many reasons. Thanks for being strong and brave and generous enough to write and publish. I crossed paths with you earlier on Domestic Mischief and thought your remarks on medication were so sound. Happy, healthy, BEAUTIFUL new year to you!

  119. I’m speechless because you’ve been able to write what so many feel unable to put into words or have the courage to say. I applaud you, and I celebrate with you. You are brave, courageous, and wonderful. Thank you, this has helped me.

  120. Keep fighting and never give up!

    You are such a strong person.

    Depression is a silent bitch that you have slapped in the face.

    Much love to you, Mama. Much love.

  121. OMG…I cried when I read this. Cried for you in your silent pain, and cried for me because someone has finally put my struggle into words. Thank you, thank you, thank you – I am happy to hear that you are in therapy and seem to be making good progress. Fighting the depression and loneliness is exhausting. Thank you for having the energy and courage to publish this post.

  122. I come from a long line of women who suffer from debilitating depression. It’s not something that is easily understood-even by the person it’s happening to-and it’s harder still for the friends and family who have to stand guard while you suffer, but it is real and it’s horrible to live with and to witness. In my family we didn’t get on the road to recovery until we stopped hiding it and brought it out into the open where we could all deal with it. Thank you for bringing this out into the light where we can all experience it and begin to learn how to deal with it. It’s a disease that feeds on shame and secrets.

  123. Thank you. For giving a voice to so many who don’t have the skills to voice what they’re feeling. What an amazingly beautiful, snotbubble inducing post. Just….thank you.

  125. Thank you for being brave and speaking out about this. I have suffered with chronic depression since I was a child and though I don’t self-harm I do subscribe to your view on honesty about your condition; to me, speaking about depression is the route to survival. It is unfortuante that a lot of people are still uncomfortable with hearing about depression, I have been told many times to be less vocal about my fight – but still I talk because if I’m honest about the way it makes me feel and the struggles I have fought then my brain can’t tell me I’m weak and my parents can’t tell me depression doesn’t exsist… I’m proud to be a survivor, proud to be a warrior – I will always have depression but I will never stop fighting.

  126. Jenny,

    Thank you for this incredible post. I’ve told people that clinical depression is worse than cancer. Few believe me. But it’s true. When I was diagnosed with cancer, people came out of the walls. They nourished me with love. They brought casseroles, they brought flowers, cards and funny movies.

    When I was diagnosed with depression years before I had cancer I could barely get up out of the chair in the loft. It was like living in cement and suffering relentless psychic pain. No one handed me a ribbon, held a parade or organized a run in my honor. It was like being null and void.

    What I tell people now? These are diseases that can kill. Both can be lethal. Find the right treatment, stick to your plan, and let people love you.

    You are the best,
    Jody

  127. You are amazing. Every time I come to your blog I laugh or cry and sometimes both. I wish that you could always see and believe how amazing you are and how you help fight the darkness for all of us who are sad, afraid, and/or in pain. We’ll hold that belief for you until you’re ready. We’re cheering for you!

  128. Jenny,

    Your bravery as you fight this battle not only makes you stronger, it makes all of us stronger, too. You are an inspiration to so many people because have found the courage to use your ONE voice to speak up about what so many face. You have become our silver ribbon of hope.

    Sending you gratitude, light and healing.
    Amy C

  129. Wow. Just a few minutes before seeing this I posted on twitter about the pain in the ass depression is. I applaud and thank you for sharing this. Not gonna lie though, I wish there was some kind of help for me. I do have depression but it is so triggered by my home situation (which LONG story, can not be changed) So there’s that.

    I am inspired by your awesomeness!

  130. Thank you so much! You have said it so well! No we do not get pats on the back when we come out of the ring, tired and exhausted, but still functioning. You are a wonderful woman! Thank you!

  132. Something so hard for you to share makes the struggle of anyone who can relate a little less difficult. Just by letting others know they aren’t alone in their darkness…
    Brave Jenny.

  133. Oh sweetie my heart is with you. As I sit here typing through the tears I applaud you for being so brave to tell the world and hopefully the burden will lift a little and at the same time you might reach someone else who feels the same and give them hope. I know depression doesn’t discriminate and even the strongest feel it. I know I have bouts of sadness that threaten to overcome my world sometimes too. It’s hard to climb out.
    Please know that any time…any day you can always reach out to me. I’m really a good listener and sometimes it just helps to know there is someone who will listen without judging.
    I want you to know how proud I am of you for being brave enough to share this!
    God bless you sweet girl and stand proud! Do something nice for yourself and throw yourself a celebration. You deserve it! Big hugs sweetie!!!!

  134. Jenny, thank you. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for making it a bit easier to be okay with a little chemical imbalance. You are fantastic and I couldn’t be more proud of you. Keep up the amazing recovery work and don’t ever stop being incredible. All the love in the world to you girl.

  136. It’s ok, honey. You are still the same wonderful, funny, healing, beautiful, creative, intelligent, everything-good-int-the-world person to me today as you were yesterday.

    Tomorrow will be .0001% easier simply because you survived today to see it. Depression to me is solid soul-sucking black coated in razor-sharp deceptively-beautiful diamonds luring one into the abyss. I imagine a humongous trampoline at the bottom of that abyss that throws my shocked-self right back up to reality in all its various forms.

    That depression wants to BE you. I’m so glad you’re finding more and more ways to beat it back, to become and remain victorious, to be YOU.

    Fuck depression. Fuck self-harming, too. Fwiw, next time you need to control the inner pain with outer pain, try outer PLEASURE. Not as instant or immediate or inner-attention-grabbing, but imagine how soft the silk on the edges of a baby blanket are when rubbed across your cheek. Crap like that might work to negate the need for pain, and bring on the embrace of pleasure?

  137. I want to say a million pretty things to you because of that post but I’m at a loss of words. That was beautiful and true and more things that I can’t properly comprehend right now. Thank you.

  138. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me, except now I’m sending you even more love and support. Thank you for speaking out and being the voice for those who feel voiceless. <3

  139. I love you when you’re funny, but when you’re raw and honest like this, I love you even more. You’ve inspired me more than you’ll ever know.

  141. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this. It helps all of us. I wish I could give you a big hug. Armed with a pitchfork to help you with the fight.

  142. I wish I could just ask for help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting into words what I apparently can’t. As I commented on another post of yours recently, you have no idea how much your honesty about your struggles has helped me the past year. You are a blessing and a fighter — you will win.

  144. I am tremendously proud of you. Someone I love dearly suffers from depression and I know how awful the battle can be. Keep your head up, keep doing what you’re doing, and remember your Monty Python; Always look on the bright side of life.

  145. I’m not sure you are the same person to me – after sharing your story and having the courage to heal – you are even more amazing to me.

  148. thank you…… thank you….. thank you….

    for the words I feel but cannot express….. as someone who has hurt herself since she was 11 but still cannot explain why to people without them thinking she’s daft / emo / looking for attention (at least in my head)

    you make me laugh and cry….. like life and we all love you for it!

    I’ve had my dose upped and I’m beginning to see a light….. that’s not a train….

    We can ALL win

    K
    xoxo

  149. I am so glad you wrote this, sorry you too are going through it, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there and that I am not the only one. I had to take 4 months off of work due to depression and GAD, just went back Dec. 1. In therapy and on meds. I am proud of you for coming out and thank you.

  150. I love you.

    That’s the first thing that went through my mind as I read this. I love you, despite that I’ve never met you, will probably never meet you, and hell, will probably never be more than a faceless fan.

    But you are brave and funny and talented and honest, and the fact that you can be so amazing and lovely going through all this shit makes me feel a little bit better when I have to go through the same shit. It makes me feel like maybe someday I could be as fantastic as you.

    And I don’t know if it will help you (and I swear I’m not trying to be patronizing, just suggesting something that legitimately helps me), but maybe use sharpies instead? I’ve gotten to the point where that’s what I do when I…need the marks. When I need to ruin myself, because something’s gotta give.

    You are an incredible writer and an incredible person. But to be perfectly honest, you’re not the same person to me. You’re something better.

  151. I’m glad you’re getting better, Jenny.

    I have a friend who has anxiety, and she blogs about it. I’ve never heard anyone explain what it was like until she did, and it opened my eyes to what a family member has been dealing with. Those of us who don’t suffer from it directly need to hear your stories, so thank you.

  152. Way to go, Jenny! You have done something that is so brave and for that I applaud you! So many people have been there and are there right now. By speaking out about it, you make those of us who understand the struggle, feel as though we have a voice. Thank you!

    ((HUGS))

    Lindsay

  153. I’ve never posted here before, but I just wanted to say both well done, and thank you.

  157. Me too sweetie. Silver ribbons it is! Wish I were as creative as you, but I take my photos and cook fabulous meals sometimes and the kids are OK. I’m 72 and it does get much much better, maybe because the girl bits quit trying to kill us, but we still tend to hide the scars….it’s part of the hero thing. I’m kind of proud to be a superhero. Grandma in the Bone Comics. When I was 62 I had a tattoo of feathers – wings to fly with – and I never look back.

  159. Silver ribbon campaign! YES. I would proudly wear one in support of the struggle I and many of my friends have gone through and survived. I struggle a lot with the depression and anxiety… I broke myself of actual self-harm a few years ago when I realized that my son was old enough to question how I got the cuts. That was a wake up call for me for sure. But believe me, there are days its so very tempting to revert, even though its been 5 years.

    Each day you have to challenge yourself to not let things get that out of hand. As someone whose been in a place similar to where you are now, it does get better if you make the effort. It won’t be easy, but the rewards are worth it in the end. I have the scars to prove how far down I’ve been, and I use those scars as a reminder that I survived and I will keep surviving. Music and writing have become my outlets for pain management instead of cutting.

    You can do this Jenny. I have faith in you.

  160. Thank you so much for your bravery and strength. I know it doesn’t always feel like that but I’m starting to think that bravery feels more like shit than it does some magical, happy time. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life and have also recently emerged from several months of a really bad time and I feel this exact same way. Thank you for saying what I feel like I can’t. You are amazing and I feel stronger knowing you are out there being exactly just who you are.

  161. Thank you so much. Thank you for being honest with yourself and sharing your strength. Every time I read your posts, I find more reasons to fight my own demons. Thank you for showing me we can make it in this world.

    I almost never comment, but I hope I’ll one day be able to return some of that strength to you.

    Please take care. You have got to be one of the loveliest person I know of.

  163. So often I read your blog quiety, not commenting because so many folks say what I would have. Not this time, this time I’m standing here applauding you!!!!
    “Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before. And so are you”
    Fantastic line, it’s so true that our fear of judgement holds us back, by living out loud…even in the tough times we can find support where we least expect it.
    Brava

  164. I have found that talking and admitting helps to heal better than anything else. That and time. And yes, each time we pick ourselves up off the floor we are stronger. Give yourself a mental hug. You deserve it!

  166. Amazing. Thank you. I recently admitted my depression online and it was really, really scary. I’m self-employed and my internet persona/audience are essential to not only my mental wellbeing (from a social standpoint), but to my income as well. My depression is under control for the most part, and I’m fearful of being defined by my illness, but it is so freeing to admit the struggle and celebrate the triumph over our own suffering. I applaud your courage.

  167. You are so strong Jenny. <3 We all love you. You are also very lucky, and I dont mean to pull a pity card on myself but you have such an amazing family and support system. I have just recently started to have anxiety and most likely depression at times. I self inflect in other ways. I just wish I knew of a place to go to where I could get the help that I need, but I have no money. If you know of any hotlines or anything it would be wonderful for you to post them. But whats even more wonderful, just reading your blog and knowing that if you get through it. We can all get through it. <3

  168. Wow, @maureenjohnson recommended your blog. She was right. Amazing, keep fighting. I can only hope that someday my blog is found to be such an inspiration. Just know we are all here, and listening

  169. A beautiful post written by a strong lady; inspiration to us all. Congratulations to you for your honesty; I deal with depression, anxiety and yes, even self-harm issues to. You are not alone. I read your blog a lot and I had no idea – you bring me so much laughter, you even bring me out of my own crap sometimes!

    Maybe we should think of these ups and downs as a crazy sort of blessing; obviously, throughout history, many strong women & men who impact society in an incredible way have dealt with these sorts of issues…is it because we were made to be so successful that we fall so hard? Who knows. I am a beautiful singer, the Mom of an autistic child, a Mommy Blogger trying to make a difference. And I am Bipolar with self-harm tendencies. Sometimes I try to embrace who I am as just that…who I am. I hate it sometimes, but when I think of all the good I can bring to the world, I think maybe it’s worth it, like it’s some kind of prerequisite to being AWESOME.

    Because that’s what we are. Awesome. And don’t you forget it 😉
    Thanks for all your humor, lady–Beyonce changed my life 😉
    <3 Kristi

  170. that is wonderful news. (even as I type it – it looks insincere, but it is totally.) I’m in the throws of one now. Worst one yet also. I can’t wait to feel the RELIEF. I know exactly what you are talking about. Relief….. 🙂 I’m thrilled you have some. I will soon… I just keep telling myself that. (the drugs help too 🙂
    Kristen – huge fan. aka: alsfm

  171. Thank you. For posting this, for ‘shouting out’, for making me feel less ashamed of being proud of myself for surviving. I’m an anxiety and Bipolar sufferer, not medicated for 9 months due to loss of a job and insurance. That’s changing starting now, with insurance in my pocket again (thank you to liberal insurances that allow domestic partnership clauses even between hetero couples that don’t want to marry). But the last year has been horrendous, and people have left, quit contacting me, just stopped being there- and I feel more alone than ever before.

    But you made me realize i’m not with this post. That someone understands the deep and horrible self loathing, the battle for every single day. And that it *IS* okay to be proud that though I’ve suffered through horrible things that aren’t always fully in my control, I have survived them without completely losing my mind, health, and myself.

    Wishing for the best for you, and all the other MI sufferers out there, this year. Thank you, Jenny, for being courageous, your wonderful self, and reminding me that I’m not alone.

  172. Thank you for sharing this. On my first tattoo I added a grey-ish ribbon and I never really knew why. It’s kind of a “choose your own” type of thing (and it’s a super ugly tattoo all these years later but the ribbon held up) and I will think of this very thing. I struggle, too, but am no where near ready to share like you do. Thank you for the nudge. Thinking of you.

    Steph

  173. Thank you.

    I so clearly remember the day i put down the razor blade (and went and got a tattoo instead. If there be scars, let them be the vibrant marks of the battles we have fought and won.).

    Every day is a victory.

  174. Wow! you are so brave to open up and share this. I’m glad you did. Sometimes all you need to know is that there are people who care. My depression is very mild. There are days I just want to run and hide away from the world. The self loathing is the worst. You are a survivor and you have given me hope to continue. Love always.

  175. Thank you for sharing, and for fighting the battle with the rest of us. 🙂

  176. I was crying as I read this, and I’m still crying as I try to figure out how to say just how badly I needed to read this today. I’m in my own spiral right now, and I feel like the more I kick and scream the less effect I have. If I keep up the funny I’ll trick them all and then I’ll trick myself too! I’ve been keeping everyone away, because it’s easier for me, I don’t want them to worry or worse, pity me. But you reminded me I haven’t ever been able to do this alone, and I’m not alone. Thank you for reminding me I can use my voice and the lies have no power.

  179. Proud of you and your victories. Depression and anxiety are lonely fights. I know bc I’ve been dealing with an anxiety disorder for more than 25 years and despite therapy and drugs I still feel like it will always define me, will never really ‘go away’. Keep on keeping on, you are an inspiration.

  180. Sing your battle songs, warrior princess. One of the happiest days of my life was the day my niece proudly informed me she didn’t feel she needed to cut herself anymore. I sabotage myself in other ways, mostly financially (stealing from my mom? who forgave me and understood?), so believe me, I understand where you come from. We’re with you all the way. You Can Do This.

  181. Bravo for your courage and your victory. I would wear the silver ribbon for you, for myself, and for everyone else suffering from these crippling disorders.

  182. I don’t know you (this is my 1st time to your blog), but I DO know your situation because I have been there. I know how dark and frightening that place is. I’m terrified of going back there and that keeps me honest about where my head is.

    I don’t know you. But I know how brave and strong you are! And I am so proud of you for writing this and putting it out there on your blog. It’s not something I could have done when I was in that dark place.

    You aren’t alone, not ever. So many ppl understand what you are going through. Keep going! You can do this!

  183. This made me want to sing out. I too battle depression and it is a battle. Everyday.

    I absolutely love this post. You seemed to sum up how I feel about it, how it affects my daughters.
    Depression is such a bitch. But it feels good when you slap that girl back in her place!

  184. Those of us with depression tend to self-hurt in one way or another. Some are more immediate and “scary,” others are slow and methodical sabotages. The great @SecretAgentL recently said, “I guess I’ll go eat my feelings.” Indeed. You’re spot on about the impulse control, and I wish you all the ability in the world to find a way to distract yourself and successfully redirect your actions. It’s only been as a married woman that I’ve come to begin to understand how hard it is for our loved ones to watch us self-harm. No method is “better” than any other—each method is our personal weapon of choice, and each method renders damages larger and small. Celebrate the small victories. It is the little successes that lead up to major changes. Love to you, best wishes, and silver ribbons.

  185. I “get” it, fully and completely…I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety as well…I’m highly medicated but still, at times, the depression creeps up on me anyway…I have only recently come out about it to the strangers on here and FB…It feels good to get it out and to know others KNOW what you’re going through…Big Hugs!

  188. We love you as you are! You don’t need to be anything more than you–beautiful, imperfect, awesome you. Keep going, and let us help you shout. We’ve got your back!!

  189. I love you so much. I don’t suffer from depression or really even know anyone that suffers, but I know it is a huge problem. You telling your truth will help so many. I’m praying for you and so many others.

  190. Your honesty and bravery are amazing. You’re a great example of strength and courage. You’re my hero. Thank you for being the incredible person you are.

  193. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    I could never write those words enough, Jenny.

    Thank you.

  194. You go, girl! It is so important to erase the stigma of mental illness. My sister suffered in secret. Everybody either has one or knows someone who does – we just need to be open and honest about it. Thank you for taking a big step.

  195. *hug*
    You win.
    You continue to be you – uniquely Jenny, the Bloggess, Mom, wife, daughter, survivor. And that is awesome.

  196. I celebrate you. I have fought and have been fighting this battle for 6 years. It is a battle that is ongoing but we can beat it, even in small victories!

  197. I just want to let you know that you are an amazing woman, wife, mom. Sometimes when you are in the middle of depression it’s hard to hear positives about yourself, but please know that you have so many fans, supporters and friends here for you. I completely understand what you are going through and if I could, I’d fly down and stick a metal chicken in front of your door. One with a sign that says, “YOU are fucking awesomesauce.” I would have the chicken say it to you, but as we all know, giant metal chickens can’t talk. Which sucks, I know, but please don’t get depressed about that, he’s supposed to cheer you up. Maybe it’s a good thing TSA won’t let me on a plane with a giant metal chicken.

  198. You are strong for just writing this. Go you for doing this. I think that the strongest people are those who admit their weaknesses. I don’t see you any differently than I did yesterday. I see a strong capable woman who is handling something that could have crippled you. So you have my undying respect for that and for posting it. I read your blog every time it comes out. It makes me laugh. It cheers me up if I’m having a bad day and it makes me think. So thank you and keep up the good work and I think I’ve mentioned it before but I will be buying your book when it comes out.

  200. From one battle-scarred survivor to another, let’s shout long and loud for each other. I just wrote an article about the scars I carry on my arms – remnants of high school days and self-abuse caused in part by a reaction to physical abuse from my father. The scars will never go away, and I used to hide them. I no longer cover them up. They are a reminder that I am a survivor and above all else I am better than he ever was or ever will be. I have never treated my child the way he did, and she is now 18–a proud and happy young woman who knows that her mother loves her.

  201. Proud of you, Jenny. I had no idea how much my depression was messing with my head until I dragged myself sobbing into treatment. I suffered for 20 years and not a single person noticed or tried to help me. Now I’m a little more…myself, and it’s such a revelation! I wish I’d had more people like you to share their own stories because I felt so alone and I’m sure many others do right now, too. Your story, and your commenters’ stories, help everyone. Virtual hugs to you all!

  202. you are awesome & so brave. staying out of the dark, whatever form your dark takes, is the hardest thing i can imagine, because it is invisible, and sometimes people just don’t want to admit it exists. i don’t know you, but i am SO PROUD. big hugs.

  203. You are so brave and beautiful. I’m a rape survivor. I used to cut myself. Never enough to seriously injure, just enough to feel the pain and remind myself that I was still alive. I understand.

  204. Why don’t we have special-colored ribbons, or those nasty rubberized bracelets, or telethons for depression? I suffered from depression for years. When I told my law firm partners that I was being treated for depression, they told me that I should keep it secret ad to tell people that I was deferring my partnership because of my divorce, not because of my depression. I was flabbergasted. Depression is a chemical imbalance, no different than diabetes, so why must those suffering from it have the added weight of shame? For me, birth control pills were the cause of my imbalance. Now that I am off them, the sadness and hopelessness is much more infrequent and lasts for a few hours at most, but still brings back the fear of “what if it doesn’t go away this time.” But I had to find this out on my own because there is no Susan G. Komen Foundation or LiveStrong for depression. (And really, isn’t LiveStrong a much better motto for depression than cancer? How dare they take our phrase.) The information is out there for sufferers of depression but you have to hunt for it, the same way you have to crawl out of the sadness & hopelessness, as if the information is kept secret the same way we feel we have to keep our disease. It shouldn’t have to be so hard. I still remember being little and hearing my mother and her friends discussing the illness of another lady in their group and how they whispered “she has the cancer.” No one whispers cancer anymore. I would love to see in my lifetime the social change where we don’t whisper “depression” anymore.

    So where do I sign up to help make the silver ribbons, organize the national televised concert, whatever is needed to bring depression out in the open and take the shame away?

  205. thank you for sharing your story and being willing to put your truth out there for us. We applaud your bravery, your success, and your willingness to share.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am not as brave as you.

  206. It’s amazing how someone you’ve never met can speak the words inside your own head. I’m thankful that my medication helps me, but dislike the days when I’m so frazzled I can’t find my medication… and that I’m in charge of people. I’m the frickin’ boss, and there’s no room for me to say, “Sorry guys, I’m depressed today, I can’t deal with your bullshit.” If I had some other illness, maybe.

    A [somewhat] happy story– my mother’s pastor is suffering from depression and rather than go on pretending, he told the congregation and is on a leave of absence. I went with her to Christmas Eve services and saw him there, and it made me love her church even more to see every single congregant tell LP that they had been praying for him, could they bring food for him and his family, and give him a hug or a handshake. To see that sort of support… it makes you realize that people are capable of understanding, capable of supporting, and capable of loving anyone who has the same problem.

  207. Thank you for this post. I suffer from depression. I am wracked full of anxiety so much so that I never want to leave the house. I take my meds to help me function (i.e. keep my job). And I sleep to hide from the world. I’m in my forties. I’m single. I’m alone. I’m tired. But I will keep pushing on.

  208. You are wonderfully courageous. Your candor is amazing to me. I hope you continue to find ways to fight the fight, and know we are thinking of you.

  210. Plain and simple, you are my hero for putting this out there. It is so hard to struggle and suffer in silence and feel as if you can’t share your troubles. I respect you immensely for having the courage and compassion it takes to want to help others through your own story. YOU ROCK!!! Thank you Jenny.

  211. I’ve dealt with depression since the last year of college (the year Bonfire fell at Texas A&M…I’ve often wondered if they’re connected somehow). My last bout was this summer and it was my absolute worst. I spent the majority of the summer sleeping, avoiding people and hating my life. My lowest point was when I told Ryan that I wanted to leave him and our beautiful daughter and never look back and the only things keeping me from doing it was 1) knowing my mom would never forgive me, 2) I had no money and nowhere to go and 3) I didn’t want our daughter to grow up knowing her mother gave up on her.

    I hate that there is such a stigma around mental illness that I talk about mine all the time as if I suffer from diabetes or psoriasis. There is no shame, there is no fear, this is me, this is what I deal with, take me for what I am or don’t take me at all. When I finally emerged (that’s what it felt like, being held underwater), it felt glorious. I guess I’m different in that I don’t fear triggers setting me back into the depression…the only thing I worry about is the return of the summer…the heat…the monotony of the days…the cabin fever. Hopefully this coming summer will be different because my daughter and I will be staying with my parents.

    Fight on, Bloggess, my sister in pain. I know where you come from. Keep speaking out. Lets teach our daughters that seeking out help isn’t weakness, it’s bravery. Fight on.

  212. I really hope all these wonderful and supportive comments make you feel more hopeful about the world!

  213. Jenny,

    Thank you for writing this post. I’ve been fighting depression for four years now, and went through the depths of hell to get where I am now. I survived (and so did my mother, who suffered from borderline), but there was no-one to congratulate me when I did. I find solace in this post knowing that I’m not alone.

    Keep fighting. And I will support you 🙂

    Jilly Boyd

  214. By the time I hit post, there will be another 100 replies telling you how awesome and brave you are. I doubt you or anyone else will get this far down the page, but add my love and encouragement to the rest.

  215. I’ve never replied to your blog before. But I want and need to say thank you for writing this. I’m struggling with this myself right now. Thank you. Keep going.

  216. i heard one time a story about men who battled way back in like the stone age or something, and when they came through a fight alive, their fellow “battle mate” (?) would say three simple words to express the bravery he faced in the field, “thee thee thee.” This story may be totally made up from the person who one time told it to me, but i always use those three words when someone does something that completely inspires me. So, to you, Thee, Thee, Thee.

  218. I just fought my way out of one of the nastiest bouts of depression I’ve had in quite a while. While I don’t self harm, I certainly understand and empathize with those who do.

    Hats off, sister.

  220. thank you. and i love you. we all self harm. all of us. some drink, some use narcotics. some cut. some eat. but we all use something… ANYTHING… to make the pain go away. we are all here for you. we all love you. and it does get better

  221. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. As someone who understands, thank you for being a voice for those of us who sometimes get swallowed by the darkness, and pray that we’ll come out on the other side.

  222. Wow, thank you for this, you are a fabulous example of what people can achieve whilst dealing with something like this on a daily basis, I think it’s amazing that you can be so honest about it, you should be very proud of yourself 🙂

  223. jenny, i’d like to say that you’re still the same person to me, but the truth is, i’m even more impressed with you. you fight this battle in a way i’m thankful i don’t have to deal with, and you’re resilient and courageous and willing to be honest so that others can draw strength from your weakness. you’re giving the finger to the cultural stigmas and encouraging others to do the same. that’s really freaking awesome. and i’m sorry, but i can’t look at you the same way after knowing it.

    i am one of the people who doesn’t understand self-harm, but i’m thankful for people like you, who are willing to just be totally you, making us all love you, and give a small window into why it happens, so hopefully we can be an encouragement to you and those in our lives for whom this is their battle, and this is their survival.

    sign me up for a silver ribbon.

    [sorry there’s no funny or snark in this comment. i feel kinda weird being gushy and positive on your blog. raincheck?]

  224. Thank you for showing me that someone else really does understand. I WANT to be happy. And I’m really trying, but sometimes it’s just hard.

  225. I live where you live every day. I fight every day and it makes me very, very tired. I do not self-harm, but I do harm the people I love by not being able to engage in their lives – OUR lives – on a regular basis. I worry that someday my gorgeous children will look back on their childhood and think “what if….”. What if mom was healthier. What if she were more like the good times and not the bad. What if the doctors could figure out the right combination of drugs and therapy so she could live her life with us.

    Jenny, your honesty makes it a little less painful – I’m not out here alone.

  226. Hello-
    Thanks for sharing and making yourself vulnerable – there will be many, including myself, who understand and appreciate your courage.
    I also have a daughter (now 18) who has seen me during some completely defeated times – she doesn’t understand it but has been an incredible bright spot always. She thankfully doesn’t suffer from this and I pray it stays that way. I wish the same for you – from what you’ve shared you are an awesome, fun, loving Mom and she will remember that.
    My best to you always,
    Nancy

  227. Every time one of us shares our secret battle with depression and similar issues, there becomes less reason to hide anything. It is tough to do, and there is still a stigma here in 2012. You have inspired me to be even more honest about my battle- even though I have already shared a lot on my blog. I still hold things back. There’s no reason to do that. All of this is medical–an illness like any other that needs to be treated and talked about. Much love to you today and every day. Thanks for being so honest.

  228. Thanks for your honesty! I struggle sometimes too. I think I know what you mean when you say you self-sooth. Your honesty reminds me that I am not alone in those dark hours, days, weeks…other people battle these dark demons. We are survivors!

  229. As someone who struggles with bipolar, anxiety, and ocd, I can honestly say, thank you. Thank you for writing this and saying what so many of us can’t say. It’s so hard to not feel ashamed when you feel like such a loser for sleeping all day because you can’t bear to get dressed much less shower and put on makeup. It’s so hard not to feel ashamed when you look around your house and you see piles of dishes, laundry and things just lieing there and no energy to change it. And it’s hard not to feel ashamed when others that don’t understand tell you to just take things one thing at a time, and not to worry, you can do all those things and more if you just put your mind to it.

    You aren’t alone, Jenny. I don’t see you as anyone different than you are, more importantly, I see you as someone who is brave. We are warriors, together.

  231. Thank you, Jenny.

    You’re such an inspiration, and knowing that there’s someone out there, someone so successful and funny and vibrant with a family and a crazy Halloween dollhouse and who speaks at events that scare her, even while suffering – that gives me hope for myself. My problems are relatively mild, but they never feel like that at the time, do they?!

    Again, thanks for sharing.

  233. It takes so much courage and strength to post something this deeply intimate. I come from a long line of depression-sufferers from my alcoholic grandfather to my sister who has never felt completely comfortable with herself. I have battled depression & anxiety too, although mine mostly comes in short bursts, I did have a period of time where I was in deep, so to speak. I don’t think I would ever have the balls to come out on my blog and say any of that. But you have given me a small bit of courage by leaving a comment here. Thanks for that. And you have a new subscriber.

  234. Thank you for sharing. You speak for many that can’t find their voice. When you put somethinig out on the table and in front of a loving audience, you no longer hide it and in no longer hiding something, you no longer have to hide a secret, and when you don’t have to hide a secret, ,you can release any shame associated with it because it is no longer a secret. I will wear silver in honor of you and me and all the others.

  235. Three days is awesome. And quite a long time. In the fruit fly world, three days is EPIC. Just take it one fruit fly lifespan at a time. That’s the best anyone can do.

  236. Thank you for your honesty. The fact that someone struggling so much can bring as much joy, laughter and light to the world as you shows just how hard you are fighting. This world wouldn’t be complete without you and I wish you full and complete healing!

  237. good for you. i am happy that you have come out from under the blanket. again. and i’m sure it’s terribly numbing for you… unbearable is not the right word, but when nothing matters..it’s all bearable… but I must say.. I often read your site…. and your humor and outlook is soooo off. Seriously.. your take on things is so fucking wrong … which makes it amazing. Truly. Amazing, and funny, and disturbing and hilarious and icky and questionable and ridiculously fucking TRUE. And that’s you. And it’s awesome. So I applaud you. And your depression. And your family. Because..honestly…without the shackles of that…your outlook on life would not be what it is.. and we need you.. we need people who spend hundreds of dollars on a metal chicken for a few seconds of hilarity. At least I do… It helps me to know that I’m not the only one who thinks ” 1,,2,3, red, left, origin, penis, 9, circle, cookie…” when asked to count to 10….. So again…thanks for being you.. and for putting it out there…
    Wishing you nothing but the best in 2012… you are inspirational.

  238. Thank you for pouring your heart out in this post. As the wife and mother of someone who suffers too, I can just imagine how heavy this felt for you. I hope that publishing this lifted some weight from your shoulders.

  239. I can’t even tell you the significance of this post for me. I found out last week my 13 year old daughter has been cutting. Of course, I flipped and was on the phone with a therapist before she finished her sentence.
    Thank you for giving me perspective and hope.

  240. A year ago I was ready to die. I wanted to die and tried between self harm. But I loved my son and my husband enough to force myself to go to the doctor and tell him I wanted to die. I found that strength in part because a girl I knew did kill herself.

    2 weeks after my son was born.

    2011 was a year of hell for me. Crawling out of that pit and out of the habit it had become. This blog which I discovered around the time my therapy started was a huge help. It encouraged me to blog again and to speak and to grow. Reading this blog I didn’t feel alone, and i could laugh. So I want to say thank you Jenny, your blog helped save me and my family.

  241. I don’t know you, but I do know what you’re talking about. So I want to pat you on the back, and give you hugs. We suffer in silence far too often.
    This was a great post, and I will cherish it. Thank you <3

  243. Jenny I love you so much! You are a survivor! And you’ve been a strong influence in making me a survivor too. I literally once brought up being “furiously happy” to my therapist and she says it was a great prescription. Thank you!

  244. After depression attacks you where you’re weak, it tries to destroy you where you’re strong. It lies to you, tells you CAN’T when you actually CAN, tells you GIVE UP when you TRY, tells you NUMB when you FEEL, and tries to confuse you into not being able to tell the difference. And I really only know this through trying to help loved ones who suffer from it. You’re not alone, and there’s no shame in taking back your life, piece by piece, even if you think no one can see how far you’ve come. Keep on winning.

  245. As a woman who sometimes thinks and does all of these things, I thank you for being brave and saying everything out loud so I can relate and feel less crazy.
    As a mother of two & teacher of teens, I thank you for painting a painfully necessary picture and giving a voice to others who are confused & suffering.
    Beautiful, you. <3

  246. I am so very proud of you! 3 days is a million years worth of challenges when you are fighting the battle! And I thank you for sharing. I am honored that you are brave enough to fight the fight and tell the world at the same time. The stigma of mental illness is a strong one to fight when you are not in the midst of a battle, but in remission. I understand the fear that comes with being happy and waiting for that other shoe to drop. As someone who battles bipolar disorder, panic attacks, and agoraphobia, I thank you for your honesty. And more importantly, I thank you for your bravery! Thank you, Jenny. I am proud!

  248. You are the exact same slightly broken, beautiful person you were yesterday. I was a cutter when I was younger, so I feel your pain (literally! :D). Now I wear my scars proudly, to remind myself not to give in again. I have a son to take care of, and I would hate for him to see new scars show up when to him I am still kinda perfect. 🙂

  249. Jenny I am just so damn glad that you’re still here to post this. I am proud of you and admire your honesty, strength, and resilience. Keep on keeping on and know that we love you.

  250. This is amazing and I can’t thank you enough for saying this. You are right. Those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety don’t get pats on the back for fighting our way through these debilitating periods of darkness, doubt, fear, and sorrow. It can drive family and friends away who don’t understand how this unseen illness is in fact, very real.
    You are not alone. I too am a self-harmer. Like you said, not enough to be put in an institution and I am on medication and see a therapist. In a twisted way it is soothing to have your mind focus on the external, “seeable” hurt. It makes sense to externalize the internal pain. And it sucks. But you keep fighting the good fight, as I do.
    And I know you fear Hailey realizing parts of you that you wish weren’t there. Like you, I am struggling to beat this hurting into submission before my kid (6 yo) becomes old enough to understand, but if I can’t, if I slip up, I’ll have to be gentle with myself and forgive myself. My shrink told me that it’s okay for my son to see me cry once in a while because it is an opportunity for him to learn compassion.
    Also, my son (and your Hailey) will have the freedom to know that they can express their emotions freely and not be judged. While most of my emotions form childhood were brushed off as “drama queen” antics, when my son said last night that he just felt black inside and needed to cry, I held him and patted his back. By bringing this out into the light, you are giving it less of a hold on you and giving hope to anyone out there who might be hiding in the dark, too afraid to do anything.
    If you know Aunt Becky, from Mommy Wants Vodka, I’m sure she’d love if you would allow us to cross post this on Band Back Together’s website. I’m an editor with the Band and I’m so happy for you and proud of you for writing this.
    Hugs times 1.5 million!

  251. Bloggess, you are my goddess. I wish everyone could be as honest as you about these things. rock on!

  252. congratulations for having the strength to fight it, win and write about it. You’re honest and human and that makes me like you even more. Kia Kaha… stay strong

  253. I may not share your struggle, but I can understand it. My brother is bi-polar and his version of self harm was to turn to alcohol and other…addictive substances. It’s taken a lot of work on his part, but he is overcoming it. So much so that he is going to be a husband and a father soon. Both of these are things he never thought he would be able to do. i have shared your blog with him in hopes that he finds another person who will understand his pain, and at the very least, he can read about it. So thank you, for being a genuine voice to people like my brother. People who feel as if no one understands them, even though they aren’t alone.

  254. Crikey this came along at just the right time. I’ve just been through 4 weeks of hell with my son, and have learnt so much about Mixed Anxiety and Depression in that time. As a supporter/picker upper/ mum it feels like running a marathon, with no end in sight, and watching the person next to you slowly disintegrate and you can’t stop it.

    We’re on track now with a medication that seems to be helping, and we’ve recognised a trigger, which we only just figured out. I’ve taken a month of work to try to simply “be” with him. And the horror of walking in to your son’s room every morning to check he’s still breathing is simply so hard to explain to anyone else. People saw him right before the trigger hit us, and he was so…normal. And so they can’t understand the speed of the descent and consequences.

    Thank you so much for this post. It’s giving me something to relate to.

  255. Just the fact that you had the strength to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be) to be frighteningly, baldly, blatently honest about your illness screams volumes. Depression is a fucking bitch. I hate her so much. If I could find a way to kill her for you, for me, and for the countless others who suffer in silence for fear of ridicule, I would. I would be a champion for all of us. Of course, as long as I have the mental and physical strength to do it, which isn’t often

  256. i will wear my silver ribbon with pride…i know i don’t walk on this journey alone, there are many of us. Thank you for sharing this with those that know and those that don’t. journey on…we do not suffer alone

  257. I don’t see you as the same person, knowing the silent battle you’re fighting. My respect for you grows, knowing how much harder you have to fight to be the wonderful, lovable, creative person you are.

    I struggle with depression, too. I know how hard it is just to appear “normal” most of the time, and I get so tired of people who take that effort for granted. I had to drop a friend in 2011 who didn’t understand how much work I was putting into just going through the motions, who demanded so much more than what I could give. Her girlfriend called me lazy and manipulative for daring to reveal that everyday things weren’t always easy for me, while my (now-ex-)friend stood by and waited for me to get over myself and put forth energy I didn’t have.

    On the upside, my fury at her callousness gave me something to be angry at besides myself. I wouldn’t recommend it as a traditional treatment for depression, but it got me through that bout.

    The experience taught me that I don’t need people in my life who don’t understand and don’t care to learn what I’m going through. Luckily, I know a lot more people who DO understand, and who will support me instead of kicking me when I’m down. Most of them have been through the same experience, or have known others going through the same struggle.

    It helps when there’s more information out there, more people who know or are willing to learn what this entails. The more people who understand, the less you have to lean on any one of them for long. And the less effort you have to spend on those who are too selfish or ignorant to understand.

  258. You are a strong, beautiful and inspiring person. Thank you for this, thank you for being the person you are.

  259. Oh Jenny. We love you and we would never judge. Keep fighting. You’re doing a hell of a job. I’m so proud of you for making it 3 days. Here’s to 3 more. And the 3 more after that… and the 3 more after that, forever and ever.

  260. I admire your courage for being so willing to share, even if it was temporarily delayed. I hope others who struggle read this and are comforted that they aren’t alone, because it’s one of the worst feelings to feel like no one knows how this feels and you will never have peace and love (even if you “logically” know that’s not true).

  261. I have major depression–have for most of my life–and I am not ashamed and you shouldn’t be either! When I was 14 I watched my mother slowly crumble in front of me and end up hospitalized for months. Nobody talked about it before, during, or after. She came home and we all picked right up where we left off. Except that we didn’t. She wasn’t the same, and neither was I. Our relationship suffered irrevocably. Now she’s 82 and I’m 43 and I’m suddenly involved in her medical care due to major surgeries she’s had. I’ve tried and tried and tried until I have no breath left in my lungs to speak with her doctors and nurses about her history of mental illness and the importance of keeping on top of it during her physical illness, because, as we know, the physical and the mental work together, and if one of them goes down the other will soon follow. And every single time I’ve brought it up, the voices drop and the walls go up. “But then we’ll have to bring in Psyche,” they say gravely, as if I’m asking them for an involuntary commitment. “Then go ahead and bring in Psyche!” I say, out loud and without shame. “She’s falling back into depression and then we’ll all be screwed, especially her!” I have so far gotten nowhere because the topic is taboo. Take care of this now. Get it out there. Tell people that you suffer from major depression, that it is NOT just a little bit of the blues, and that it does NOT mean you’re crazy or dangerous. It’s just a condition you have, like diabetes or high blood pressure. It’s manageable with the right treatment and the right support system. Do NOT be ashamed in front of your daughter. It might scare her, but not knowing the truth will scare her more. Be honest. Be open. Be brave. And fuck anybody who can’t handle it. I love you and I understand.

  263. Thank you, from another survivor looking for the light in the darkness. Your openness about your struggle has given me (and countless others I’m sure) hope to keep going. That was all I needed, and EVERYTHING I needed, right now for this moment, and I didn’t even know it until I read your words. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but that doesn’t matter, because you helped save someone else today by simply being human. Thank you.

  264. Thank you for sharing this. I agree that being honest and sharing helps with the healing-at least, I know it did for me. I haven’t hurt myself in more than six years, and while I know it’s hard and everyone is different, you write with the kind of self-awareness I didn’t have until I was ready/able to stop. I don’t doubt you’ll be counting your days in weeks soon, then months, then years.

  265. I have fought this battle. I’ve felt these feelings. I’ve scraped the razor across my skin because it hurt less than what I felt inside. It destroyed my marriage and it almost destroyed me. Now I’ve rebuilt but I still live in fear that it will happen again. I panic at the thought of it happening again. Thank you so much for sharing.

    I guess this is timely because my ex apologized for not being strong enough to support me when I needed it most yesterday. It soothed a bit more of the pain.

  266. (I’ve rewritten this comment approximately eleventy billion times now. I’m going to trust that people’ll recognize that I’m not trying to shill for traffic.)
    I’m a perpetually recovering self-harm-er, too. And I know how hard it can be to say it out loud.
    Thank you for your bravery.
    I’ve been doing (some) work with the group site, BandBackTogether (dot com). We publish stories from, well, everyone. With all sorts of mental and physical health problems. Stories of rock bottom, of survival, of hope and of loss of hope. I know that one of the things that helps me in dealing with my issues is reading stories from people who are suffering the same problems. Or who have made it to the other side. I don’t want to step on any toes, of course, but I thought maybe you or some of your readers might get the same sort of comfort from reading stories that let us know we’re not alone, that I’ve found.

  267. This is my first visit to your blog but it won’t be my last. You are so brave. First of all, it takes a lot of courage to fight depression. It takes even more guts to write as honestly as you do to help others understand the horrible illness a.k.a. depression. And I’m so impressed that despite what you’re going through, you want to support others who are also suffering from depression.
    I sincerely hope that 2012 brings you renewed hope, good health & peace!

  268. You are a brave woman in posting this and in doing the hard work to feel better. xoxo

  269. Psalm 10:17 You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
    Revelation 7:17 For the lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
    He will lead them to springs of living water.
    And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

    Jenny, this is the realest reality I have ever experienced. A meaningful, tangible relationship with Jesus Christ is the only reason I pulled through my depression and am alive today.

  270. Hooray for you – for being honest, for being brave and for being a survivor. I admire you on so many levels but none more than for being so candid. Wishing you the bestest of New Years – may you find something positive each day that makes you smile. Even if just for a moment.

  271. I’m so proud of you, too. For all of this and for shining light on those who need it. I’ll bust out that silver ribbon anytime, anywhere.

  272. You are, have been, and will continue to be, one of the bravest people I know. We are all here for you, always, and thank you for always being here for all of us. I know I’ve told you this before (seems like ages ago and an hour ago at the same time) but it was you who picked me back up and helped draw me out of the worst, longest episode of major depression I’ve ever had. And it has been you who has helped keep me from falling quite so low since then. Your bravery inspires me to be more brave and to be stronger and no amount of thank-you’s would be sufficient, from myself and my family. So know that I send you all of the loves. All of them.

    I love you just because you exist, and I will always be there for you.
    xo,
    -jo

  273. Kudos to you for surviving, fighting and sharing this with us. As someone who has suffered from depression in the past, everything you said is true. Depression does lie and it is crippling. But it can be overcome! Stay strong, Jenny and keep fighting it. We’re behind you 1000%.

  274. You’re right, it’s difficult for people who don’t suffer from this to understand what it’s like, but it takes brave folk like you to talk about it and help others understand. You go, girl.

  275. It hit me Christmas Day and lasted until Tues afternoon. Not fun, and I hate that deer in the headlights look my husband gets when I “get that way”. He understands, but obviously, I don’t like doing that to him. Ugh. On new meds as of last Wed. Fingers crossed.

    Keep up the fight cause that helps us keep up the fight!!

    Hugs.

  276. Thank you. For being you. For being honest. For talking/posting about depression and your experiences with it, it needs to be talked about in order to inform people. Thank you.

  277. It’s a beautiful post. It’s great that you are sharing your struggles with others. Thank you for your openness and for supporting so many others dealing with the same types of struggles. You are wonderful 🙂

  278. First of all, holy jeebus. When I started typing my comment, there were only 6 comments to this post. I had to reboot in the middle of a software installation and there are suddenly 237 comments. I’d say this post REALLY struck a chord.

    Secondly, Jenny, thank you for posting this. So many people caught in the throes of depression feel isolated and alone so being able to read that someone who as a seemingly-fabulous life (the premiere of Portlandia, a personal invitation from Armisen?!) struggles helps countless people feel less alone when they need it the most. I’ve shared this post with the site’s Facebook page and I will be cross-posting to the website’s forums shortly. Thank you again for the courage to post it and the hope given by doing so.

    Happy 2012 to you and your family.

  281. Just saw the Tweet with the link – I usually check by from time to time but it has been a few days and I jumped on the link as soon as I saw it. BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO – you always make me smile but this time you do have me standing on the chair and shouting to the air BRAVO!! (…the cat is now so far under the bed here I can’t even see her tail, but I see the bedskirt shivering against her – LOL!) Thank you Jenny for your perfect eloquence and bravery – the world IS a bit better because you are you, of this I am certain… and for all of us who read your words and find connection through them, you are precious beyond all. I will be keeping an eye out for the silver ribbon you mention. The adventure certainly continues – thanks for being you! And thanks for this! Most sincerely, Jan

  282. I have been fighting the depression/anxiety battle all my adult life. I have become more open and honest about it with those I am around daily. It helps sometimes. It is definitely better than faking it! I finally realized that I will probably be on medication forever, which is okay because life with my dope is much better than without. I think we depressives are strong. We have to be. Keep up the fight!

  285. Let me tell you a (hopefully short) story. A few months ago, I found your blog. I thought it was absolutely hilarious and I loved it. For being so funny, so crass, and so completely honest when it matters the most. I started the task of reading every single blog post that you’ve written. It took a while, but it was worth it. Because somewhere along the way, this stopped being just a blog that I read to amuse myself. You became a friend to me, even though I didn’t know you and you didn’t know I even existed or read your blog at all. But it didn’t matter. You are still a friend to me. One who I can relate to, celebrate the little victories and mourn the losses with. One who I believe in and because we all need to be furiously happy no matter what the circumstances. And you taught me that. So all that I can say now is this: it’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.

  286. As a kid I suffered from anxiety. Any change–as small as trying a new food or as large as moving to a new city–could trigger anxiety. When I changed schools, I began every September morning by vomiting. I paced, I mumbled to myself, I rehearsed my day before leaving home. I was a mess.

    When I was 18, I believed I had found the solution: alcohol. I stayed drunk for 15 years, until the obvious health, relationship, and financial problems far outweighed the benefits. During my drinking, thoughts of suicide were my daily companions.

    Sixteen year ago I got sober and began to tackle the challenges of depression and anxiety without the benefit of self-medication. I sought therapy and had a mental status evaluation, which I hoped would yield a surprising diagnosis. Unfortunately, no. Just anxiety and depression. So I tried a range of drugs, most either did nothing or produced unacceptable side-effects. I finally found a drug that works for me, and tho I’m far from depression-free, I’m better. Much better. Just ask my wife.

    Thank you for your frankness. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for winning.

  287. We all have our secret battles, some more devastating than others, and for you to share your battle is very brave and (contrary to movies and books) not everyone is brave. Bravo to you for fighting and bravo to your family for helping you in your quest.

    Your little girl will be a better person for having a Mommy that had to overcome her demons, because you will be able to teach her lessons and share things with her that someone who hasn’t had to struggle couldn’t.

    Bravo, Jenny.

  288. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to say this out loud. Every time a brave soul like you speaks out about these sort of things we come a step closer to all being able to talk about it. I have a number of people in my life who suffer depression, among other mental health issues. I occasionally suffer what I call depression-lite, I was clinically depressed after surgery and medication a number of years ago so I know the difference between then and my usual experience. I am quite open about it, and I always encourage people in my life to talk about it, because the feeling of shame and having to hide it just makes it so much harder to cope.
    I will certainly be sending them a link to this post.
    Keep up the good fight.

  290. Thank you for sharing this… it has been three years since I have hurt myself, and I am still ashamed as hell of the scars that refuse to heal. I was like you, in and out of depression and no one knew… I tried therapy and medications but therapy made things worse and the side effects of any medication always seem to happen to me… I also feel like I “survived”, but can’t celebrate because I don’t want anyone to know. So I’ll celebrate with you in the virtual world! You are stronger than you think you are. And you are so brave to speak for those of us who may never be able to.

  291. I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. It is amazing to me that I still come across people at work (I’m a nurse) who will see a patient’s medication list and say, “Well, no wonder, she’s on lex*pro, P*xil, lith!um, or whichever other drug said patient might be taking.” I want to shout from the rooftops, “I HAVE BEEN ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE! DOES THAT CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?” I do not yet feel comfortable shouting this at work, but it is something I am VERY open about with friends, family, and even people I don’t know terribly well. I do tell people at work as I get to know them, and I tell them in the same way I tell them I have high blood pressure…because that is how it should be spoken about. It is not a personal failing or weakness, it is a diagnosis.
    Even with all my experience with depression and anxiety, I was fortunate enough to be without suicidal thoughts…until I wasn’t…almost 2 years ago. My marriage was ending. I felt like a total failure for the first time in my life. I spent 2 nights curled up on the floor of my bathroom weeping and thinking about how much better it might be just to take every. single. damned. pill I could find than to keep feeling the way that I felt. I didn’t line up the pills, I didn’t even open a single bottle, but holy shit was my black hole deeper and darker than I ever thought it could be.
    My now ex-husband helped me get the help I needed. I will never forget how RIGHT he was regarding that…even in the midst of everything crashing in around us. He didn’t blame me; he didn’t tell me to get over it. He was on the way to work and turned his car around and came back to help me figure out how to claw my way out of that ugly, lying pit of depression. I am fortunate that I had him to help me.
    I don’t think that I was ever one to blame people who committed suicide. I always knew that it had to be terrible to get to a place where that seemed like the best possible answer. As I said, I wasn’t even CLOSE to taking action, but I would not wish for anyone to feel the way I felt.
    Thanks so much for what you shared. Thanks for keeping on sharing it even when you don’t want to. We are a tribe, and when you speak, you tell things that not all of us are ready to tell…and by doing that you make it easier for the next person to speak his or her truth.
    I love you for that.

    **I’m now going to post this comment to my dusty blog. Thanks for the push***

  292. So Brave to share your soul and struggle with this vast world of strangers. Thank you. For each of us who share any of our lives on the internet, there are too many who feel alone and suffer in silence. Your words help them.

  293. Jenny, I’m so glad you are brave enough to share with us. I doubt you’ll read this, but I’m so happy you’re doing better now. I understand a bit of what you’re going through- anxiety disorder, OCD, & scratching till I bleed when stressed or worried over here. I’m overjoyed to know you found some things that help you, & never forget that if the darkness comes again, you can beat it back again. Rock on, Bloggess!

  294. I had post-partum depression that morphed into a full-blown depression back when my daughter was a baby. The feeling of a thousand tiny deaths inside every day is one you don’t easily shake off. It’s like a wall between you and the world that feels impenetrable.

    It takes so much courage and strength to poke holes in the wall to let the light back in, to let the fresh air flow into your lungs and breathe in the gifts within you and in front of you that are so hard to see in the dark.

    Congratulations on winning.

  296. Thank you for posting this. You are a brave and strong person. As someone suffering from the same, I know how hard it is to talk about your depression; how it feels, what it does to you, how your brain lies to you. Way back when, I was right at my breaking point before I sought help because I was ashamed and felt like I should be able to just “get over it” on my own. Nearly 15 years later, I now understand a whole lot more about this insidious disease, and I try to be as open as I possibly can about it (and my other medical issues). I, too, believe that the only way to eliminate the stigma and shame is to talk about it. I found that once I started talking openly about my depression, it lifted a big old burden off of my shoulders. At least I didn’t have to *hide* any more.

    I am so glad that you are feeling better. Depression is a tenacious bitch. But you are strong and amazing and will keep kicking her to the curb. Know that there are loads of us out here who understand what you are going through and are thinking of you. *HUGS*

  298. My best friend sent me this because I’d recently done a blog post about my battle with anxiety. It sucks, but we survive. This made me cry in a good way, thank you. Thank you for being a warrior. And FUCK mental illness. Wait, can I say fuck on your blog?

  299. Jenny, I think you are amazing for bringing these sort of battles to light. You’re right in that you can’t battle it until you fully admit it, and I went through that myself as a teenager. I managed to accept that it wasn’t a defect, that it was just a chemical inbalance and get the help I needed.

    Unfortunately that doesn’t make the depression go away entirely, and occasionally I find myself slipping into those holes as well. I’ll sit at work and stare at the corner under my desk in my cube and think of how I could just crawl in there and hide from my stress and cry for no reason. I think once I did. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s part of who we are, but it feels impossible to live with.

    The thought of not taking my meds frightens me, and recently my doctor tried to take me off them for no reason. I am currently trying to find one to replace that doctor, since this is not okay to me. I never want to feel hopeless again. I want to be able to walk with my head up and not inflict pain on myself just to feel something besides the looming darkness (been there too, but in a coward’s way…).

    So bless you for talking about your pain, and how you’re trying to fix it. I hope that you are able to conquer the scariest parts of this disease for Hailey and for yourself. But I also know that one day you’ll be able to tell her that you are strong and that you overcame an impossible struggle that was within yourself.

    You are an amazing person. I know I found this blog through a link that promised humour, but what I’ve found is a woman I can relate to, and I hope I can be half of what you are as I go through my life. Your humour and wit is only a small part of that…I hope to have your courage as well when I face what ever lies ahead.

  300. I have never commented before. I do read your posts all the time and I think you are wonderful. And very brave because you speak your mind and alot of times you say things that I would be too chicken to say…but I do think them…and that’s why you’re so funny probably. But I knew you suffered from depression…and I knew I did too, but I guess I couldn’t name it…until I saw one of your pinterest pins. It is the big monster sitting at the kitchen table. “Hello depression…I was expecting you” or something like that. That’s when I realized that I really do have this “thing”…and other people have it too. It was really the first time that I had hit a bout with the monster, and saw that picture, and then I guess I really realized that it wasn’t necessarily my fault. And for the first time I didn’t feel like a huge failure. And I didn’t feel so alone. You. Are. Courageous.

  301. i just found your blog from a link someone posted.
    it takes such courage to reveal so much of yourself like this. i suffer from anxiety and depression and know the weight, the misunderstanding and the loss of control.
    that’s what i struggle with the most…losing control when a panic sets in, having to walk home in the rain for an hour because you felt claustrophobic on the bus and got off due to a panic attack looming, not knowing when it’s going to strike… having to give over your life to this mental black hole that you can’t crawl out of.
    People dont understand because they can’t see it. They see physical diseases and pardon the sufferer.

    Thank you for being so brave to share your struggle.

  302. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for everything.

    And congratulations on your three days of no self-harm. I’m impressed, proud, and deeply happy for you that you’ve had a good start on success.

  303. Found you via Kiersten White. Thank you for posting this. I suffered Postpartum Depression for 6 months before seeking treatment because ‘it couldn’t happen to me’. Depression isn’t something to be ashamed of. I would totally wear that ribbon!

  304. You are my hero. As you know, you already saved me once from my own demons. Thank you for being you.

  305. You are incredibly brave, and an incredible person. We so often struggle in silence, and it shouldn’t be this way. I’m so pleased that your battle-cry extends so far round the world. I’ve had my own difficulties – here’s my battle cry about it: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/189/

    I’m with The Band, and that helps so much – to know they’ve got my back. And we’ve all got your back, too.

  306. Thank you so much….there’s a lot I want to say, but the words are kind of all jumbled up. In a nutshell: you are so not alone in this, and you are spot on that it’s not something you can just announce at work (“What did you do this weekend?” ‘Well, I picked the skin on my feet until they bled, but at least I got out of bed yesterday!’). The small victories add up. Counseling and drug therapy is like adding a whole battalion of soldiers to the fight. Thank you SO much for your honesty, because it kind of makes me want to be a little more brave too. <3

  307. Everyone I know knows someone who is affected by depression. And I’m so pleased that the couragous among us feel strong enough to share their experiences. Sometimes, its enough to know you’re not alone. I’m sending you thanks for your courage and love for your struggles. And prayers that your dark moments be short and seldom, and that your light moments be enough to sustain you. We’re always here for you.

  308. You are a victorious warrior. You will never truly know how your humor gphoe led me through a very dark time and all the while you were fighting your own demons. I stand in awe of your stength. You are a survivor and have every cause to look in the mirror and say ” that’s right…I rock!”.

  309. I can’t imagine what you go through, and I really can’t imagine the balls it takes to post about it, so GO YOU!!!

  310. The last person who told me I was brave for sharing my depression turned around and used it against me. She was my boss and she told me I wasn’t strong enough. I had to walk away from that job last week because of it and even though I see it wouldn’t have worked, it still hurts. I’m glad to see that you are able to use your voice to help those of us without one. My therapist even told me today to be careful who I disclose to. I’m sick of feeling like I have to hide. We NEED people to speak up. We NEED a voice. Thanks you again for speaking up. Maybe one day we’ll be heard.

  311. Thank you for sharing this. Every voice that speaks its truth makes us all stronger and every time you share your story, someone who thought they were alone will know there are others who feel like they do, and that we can survive those feelings and learn to thrive. Sending hugs and love to you.

  312. Thank you for sharing this – I do not have this disease but know many who do. Always looking to understand more. I am, however, a cancer survivor – going on 9 yrs ( was diagnosed at 30). Yes, I heard a lot of “you’re so brave” and “wow- the courage!”, and I appreciate those comments. But cancer does not = bravery, and my particular brand of cancer is not represented by a lovely pink ribbon. Yes, I survived. But I was also left broken to some degree. Anxious it will come back. Knowing because I was so young at diagnosis something will likely strike again. And while years have helped, that always sits close to surface for me. So really, are we that different?

  313. I’ve never told anyone, but sometimes when I get really mad at myself (because I have pretty low self esteem and any mistake I make, I want to punish myself for) I hit my head on things, just so I can focus on the pain of my forehead instead of the rage at myself. It doesn’t happen much anymore, and it sucks, but I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to be judged by other people like I judge myself. I think you’re really brave for talking about your problems and smart for getting help. You’re a pretty big inspiration.

  314. You’re a braver/stronger person than I am. I wrote a post admitting to self harm on my journal a few months ago and went back and locked everyone else out of it the next morning out of fear. Of how people would react. Of all the shit I’d get about how I was just looking for attention and all the other judgmental bullshit. I’m really glad I’m not seeing it in the comments here. I’m really impressed by you and the community here. Good luck in the future, really.

  315. Hello Darlin’… this is much more common than people would like to admit, all the shiny happy people on the net, if you get in a deep discussion with them, are suffering in some completely devilish way, as you are, as i am, i have recently realized the same thing, you have to ignore the demons, coz they will never fucking shut up anyway, and that’s the only way to deal with them… also, check this out, and i’m serioius, dooooo check it out… truehope.com i love you for all that you are, and all that you are gonna be, but mostly all that you are…

  316. Thank you for this brave and eloquent post that sums it up so well for so many of us. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you, glorious lady, won’t let us. Again, thank you.

  317. You are so brave and will prove to be a lovely example for your daughter. Hugs to you, my bloggie friend. You have already won by clicking Publish.

  318. I think we should celebrate. As much as we celebrate cancer survivors, and more. I celebrate YOU. Your wit, your strength, your inspiration to all of us out here. I don’t battle depression, but I battle anxiety and each year I get older, I try to make sure I am aware of what’s going on in my head for fear that it might become depression. But I’m not ashamed and I am think anyone who battles depression or any other mental illness/disorder should be either. We survive and that is admirable. Let’s celebrate!

  319. You are amazing and beautiful and inspirational, and I am grateful to you and proud of you for posting this.

    I had both chills and tears.

    Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

  322. You are wonderful and brave and strong. Keep fighting in all the ways that work for you.

    Ribbon? We don’t need no stinkin’ ribbon. I think we need Beyonce the Depression Chicken.

  323. I’m currently in the most depressive put I’ve been in for years. I’ve had depression since I was a teenager, and somehow I’ve just kept hanging on. Right now things are very very hard, but I just keep going.

    Thank you for talking about this. The number of people who think that somehow we’re weak, or damaged, or responsible for being depressed just don’t get it, and it helps to know there is a tribe of us out there.

  324. Have you tried a folic acid medication like Deplin? Recent research shows that almost 40% of humans cannot sufficiently absorb the folic acid in their foods (or even vitamins) and need special help in getting it. The folic acid deficiency can contribute (and cause) to depression, allergies, migraines, chronic pain, and conditions such as Parkinsons.

    I have been taking it for 2 years -and it is life altering. Seriously talk to your doctor about it.

  328. Wearing a silver ribbon, as I’m all too familiar with this battlefield of depression. I don’t self harm, but I do self sabatoge. Thank you for coming out of the dark to shed light on something that’s normally talked about in hushed tones. Glad to see you back on the other side.

  329. *hugs* You’re brave, and awesome, and you don’t know me, and I realize that even though reading your blog has become a regular thing in my week … I don’t actually know you; but I just wanted to post to tell you, and offer hugs from another human in the world.

  330. Depression is a bitch! I’ve read through some of the comments and it’s funny that so many of us that suffer find others by the hilarious blogs they write. I am an avid follower of several very depressed ladies who write the funniest damn things. Depressed people not only are rockstars but freakin’ funny as hell! Stay strong funny lady and know that by sharing your own suffering, you’ve helped so many others.

  331. You know something? You’re amazing. As someone who lives with a depressed spouse and is intimately familiar with how crippling depression can be, all I can say is kudos to you for doing everything right and being honest and up front about your journey with it. As I always tell my husband – No one thinks twice that diabetics need insulin. Sometimes depressed people need neurotransmittors. They’re both biological replacements and the one shouldn’t carry a stigma.

    I wish you all the best in your continuing journey. It can take time and there may be relapses, but I can tell you’re going to make it!

  332. Proudly wearing a silver(-ish) ribbon for you, for me, for everyone whose life is touched by the insidious liar that is depression. Hugs to you, Jenny.

  334. Judging from the tears running down my cheeks, I think I really identify with you. This holiday season was the worst for me. But, they have passed and I’m still alive. I awoke with a fresh sense of purpose this morning so that’s a hopeful thing. Thank you for your honesty, Jenny!

  335. What a brave post. Know that we’re here, in this community, with you. You’re an amazing person for admitting your battles and having the strength to survive. It’s not easy, because it’s exactly what you describe: a feeling of personal failure, that we’ve done something wrong and we’re not strong enough to do what’s needed to pull ourselves together. People not experiencing this depression just don’t understand or get it. Thank you for sharing this, and best your way in staying above water.

  336. Jenny, you always seem to have the right post at the right time. I suffer from an anxiety disorder chock full of crippling bouts of depressions. Some days I celebrate just being able to leave my bed and move to the couch. Some days I weep so inconsolably it causes physical pain. Some days I am just numb and don’t want to fight. Some days I am thankful that I didn’t actively Lose. My. Shit. because someone told me to “stop worrying” or some other trivial verbal vomit that does not help me.

    And some days I am happy and feel “normal.” Those are the scariest because I wonder why I can’t feel normal all the time. Thank you for posting this. I don’t feel so alone and I feel a lot more normal than I did before reading it knowing that I am not suffering alone. Nor in silence. I’m thankful that I have a few people in my life that know sometimes I just need to cry and be alone, or held or that I don’t have any idea what the crap I need. Those are the people who love me no matter what. And I am forever grateful for them.

  337. It’s funny how so often we can look fabulous on the outside and feel so awful on the inside. I’m a huge fan of your work and even prouder of you as a person. If I had a silver ribbon, I’d be wearing it right now for you. xo.

  338. your willingness to share helps in more ways that you will ever know. be well.

  339. Oh Jenny. I want to give you the biggest hug I can give you for this post; I’ll hug my cat for you. Silver ribbons for all.

  340. For all of the progress we have made in society towards enlightenment and acceptance, “coming out” with anything related to mental illness is still a very scary thing and I can’t applaud you enough. I live with and love a man who is bi-polar and has anxiety disorder and who has gone through the gamet of treatments for it – including ECT. My children have even inherited some of the anxiety. For those who are not inclined to these tendencies – it is almost imposible to understand (a.k.a. … me) if you have not walked in their shoes. You have so captured my thoughts on this subject though! I had cancer and everyone was so happy for my remission. At the same time my husband was going through his own remission and I was more excited about that than anything else because the effect on our family was greater! I wanted to scream it from the rooftop! No – look at him! Look at the change in him! Can’t you see it? It’s literally been years since I have had my husband!!!! And yet at the same time I didn’t want to say it too loud for fear that the depression would hear me. What if it could hear me? I’ll do whatever I can to help it stay away!

    Thank you for your brave soul, heart, mind, voice. You are beautiful.

  341. I find this so hopeful.. thanks for sharing. If it makes you feel any better, when I ‘came out’ about my illness- it was like a pressure cooker releasing steam. While I was so afraid of sharing, I realize the secret kept me trapped and made things only worse. Only after I could release could I find more self acceptance.
    Depression and anxiety is such a curse, but on the flip, I value each and every day that I do not suffer. As for fear of the return, it might, but the defense mechanisms you have in place will guard you.
    May your recovery continue, may you continue to make us all laugh, and may you know that you are among many who are survivors, not victims, of this disease.

  342. Honestly Jenny, near every one of your tweets and posts brings amazing joy and fits of giggles into my day, so it’s all the more amazing that you still manage to keep that joy alive while beating the down days. I’ve only ever suffered mild depression, so I can only imagine the embuggerance of living with a more concentrated version.
    It takes balls (metaphorically of course) to deal with this kind of thing and takes vastly huger balls (metaphorically) to share it with the world.

    We may not be able to offer you tangible support, but I hope you can see how many of your readers are extending digital hugs across the the waves and are thinking of you.

    You are splendid.

  343. Shit you are strong. Even if you don’t think it every day, I know you know it’s there, and the times when that strength peeks its head out publicly we are all honoured to be able to share in it and take a bit for ourselves.

    I could have said that all with ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ but I think the sentiment is so much bigger than just me. And this line “I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame.” is incredible.

    Cheer today, fight again tomorrow. Thank you for sharing.

  345. I haven’t cut for a few years now, but I still feel the urge during bad patches. You are brave, and honest and amazing. Really.

    You should also visit Australia. I think you’d like it.

  346. Thank you for sharing, I commend you for being so open a d honest and celebrate with you as you are winning the battle..

    @Jazmyn (or others that may need this) you can check into your local community mental health (each county should have one) that offer reduced and sometimes free services, and help with medications if needed as well. You can also contact the manufactors if the medications and they have programs to help people obtain medications they need, but have no insurance/financial strain.

  347. Jenny…I, too, fight those battles. The physical pain is so much easier to deal with and focus on than the mental pain and the evil, foul lies that depression sings to us, isn’t it? Uncertainty and discord trigger me. When you have ADHD, depression and are probably borderline Asperger’s, those happen a lot. But we can get through this, right? Together we can hold each other up when it becomes too difficult. *solidarity fist bump*

  348. Don’t ever stop fighting and keep on winning. My cousin lost her battle almost a year ago. She always saw how wonderful everyone around her was but she could never believe that she was wonderful too. Someday we’ll truly understand depression and then we can beat it for good.

  349. Congrats on finding the courage to write this post! I have been self-injury free for 6 years. You can beat this- you will!

  350. I’m new to your blog. I am not new to the fight, or the lost battles, or the shame.

    YES to everything you said. YES YES YES from the rooftops. Thank you for this.

  351. Oh Bloggess, you are an inspiration. I love reading your blog and laughing my tail off. I am so sorry that depression seeks you out. Know that many, many people are not depressed because of you, your blog and your humor. Keep up the fight, funny lady. PLEASE!

  352. Thank you. I have been (and will be) in this place. It helps to know others are going through the same thing. Thank you. You are amazing.

  353. I sing myself that song daily. I survive every day. I pat myself on the back, because there is no one else around to do it. You are my hero.

  354. Thank you for writing this! You are amazing and your victories should be celebrated…without shame. I love your silver ribbon idea…you should sell them in your store! 🙂

  355. Love the idea of silver ribbons: Not exactly a silver bullet, but an acknowledgement of courageous fighters. Hoping your article causes a run on sparkling ribbons!

  356. Jenny,

    I just want to say I have suffered from depression and anxiety as well, and thankfully, I’m on the other side of it now. (It was caused by medication I was on at the time.) I can imagine your pain, and I remember the darkness that felt like it was swallowing me entirely. I remember crying for no reason, and feeling like my world was spiraling completely out of my own control. I just want to say that when all you can see is your darkness, WE can all still see your light. I think that’s why some people can’t understand, they can’t see the shadows. They see the good in your life, and don’t understand why it’s so hard. I always tried to remember that if other people could see the light in my life, I knew I could see it eventually too, even if it was currently covered in shit. I fought a lot of battles in 2011, and kicked a bunch of hurdles in the face. But it was exhausting, and hard. A friend showed me your blog in a time when I was pretty down on myself. You brought me to tears with several of your posts. But mostly the kind where I laughed so hard I cried, and peed a little. You are a strong, kind, and important woman. Please never forget that! All my love!

    Kick 2012 in the balls.

    CJ

  357. A friend of mine used to get tattoos when she felt the call of pain. I did it that way once myself. Just an option.

    Whatever works for you, thanks for talking about this. Many people deal with depression, myself included, and it’s really too bad there’s such a stigma about it. The more we talk, the more others will understand.

  358. I’m happy and proud of you and love that there is such a supportive community. When I was “outed” five years ago due to a local scandal I was publicly ridiculed. Thank you for talking about your depression!

  359. As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety, how has gone in and out of remission more times that she can count, I just want to say thank you. And I’m sorry. No one should have to suffer the hell that is depression. No one should have to shoulder the shame associated with self-harm (which I have also suffered from). You’re right that the stigma has lessened but we can always use strong voices like your own to help others understand.

    I hope your remission is a life long. Holding you in my heart and in my thoughts.

    Thanks for this.

  360. You’re the same person to me- an awesome, hilarious, earth-shatteringly real, incredibly brave and awesome person. I would wear a silver ribbon. I would walk in a race with a thousand other silver-ribbon-wearing people. I’m a survivor too. I’m proud that I’m a survivor. I’m also on the very light-end of e self-harm spectrum. Never anything that would leave a mark or a cut, just enough to distract me. I’m so thankful it was never more than that. My husband is awesome. My parents are awesome, but they can’t understand what it’s like. I’m with you sister. In silver-ribbon wearing solidarity.

  363. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. You just motivated me to take my antidepressant for the first time in five days. I’ve really been struggling lately. I have depression, anxiety, and I self-harm. People do not understand. I’ve done my fair share of gentle reaching-out to see if I’m really truly alone, and it usually turns out that I am. Today I actually started composing a suicide note in my head. My usual depression is this sort of existential “I can’t stand the world’s suffering, and I’m a useless failure to stop it” stuff, but lately it’s compounded with some personal tragedies, that, unfortunately, are not “God’s will” and therefore continue to be my own responsibility, and provide me with less support than needed. Thank you for your timing today. I am still on my couch, but I will keep breathing.

  365. As someone who experienced the depths of depression a few years ago (I’m getting better, but I still have “episodes” that can last for weeks), I really admire and appreciate you coming forward and being so outward about your struggle. Professional therapy didn’t work for me and I’m not a huge fan of meds (my personal choice…if it works for others, more power to them!), so I do my own mental exercises that seem to help fairly well. Having said that, reading blogs like yours are a tremendous help. Knowing that so many other people experience this is a tremendous help (albeit a bit heartbreaking). You and I are very similar in that we use humor and comedy as an outlet, and it’s been the best therapy I can find.

    Anyway…thank you again! You’ve made a huge difference, and I hope you find consolation in that.

  366. How I wish I had time to read all the comments on this post. I bet they are as moving as the post itself. I hear you, I feel your pain, and I admire you. We are all in this arena together, and we CAN all make it out alive. Thank you for sharing your truth. xoxo

  367. Your bravery and honesty amazes me, but I found myself equally as overwhelmed by the positive, warm, and supportive comments everyone has left. I originally intended to remind you that you aren’t alone (as your posts often remind me throughout my struggles), but the outpouring of others who share in this disease makes it more evident than one comment could…

    You are amazing. You will make it through this.

  369. I’m also a self-injurer. I haven’t done it recently, but I self-injured for 23+ years. I know the struggle as I have undergone treatment for self injury almost 5 years ago. My story is on my blog:

    http://kitterztoo.com/2009/10/19/skeleton-2.aspx

    Know that I understand when you feel the urges to, and the guilt after giving in self-injury. Know that I don’t judge you and that I’m honored you stepped out of the shadows. It’s embarrassing and shameful, but when you release your secrets there is no more fear of:

    “Well, if they knew the REAL me, they wouldn’t like me. They’d think I’m sick and crazy.”

    I see you. And I’m still here.

  370. you are a hero. a voice for others. a real person with real words. thank you.

  371. I understand this so well. I’m have severe depression and anxiety. I also self harm. It is so difficult for those unaffected to understand, it is hard to be misunderstood. This is a great post. So appreciated. Thankyou!

  372. Holy shit girl, you are so fucking awesome, so strong, so amazing. I love you more every day.
    Thank you for what you’ve written today, I’m just in awe.

  373. Dear Jenny, just when I don’t think I can admire you any more than I already do, you drop something huge like this and I love you even more. Keep on keepin’ on girl.

  375. Dear Jenny-
    I have just recently found your blog and enjoy it immensely. I am so sorry to hear of your illness and I admire you for being so open and honest with your readers.

    I have battled depression and anxiety for many years now myself. I also have trichotillomania or compulsive hair-pulling. Some of the most hurtful comments can come from seemingly well-intentioned friends. They tell you about somebody else that has suffered ‘real’ tragedies, then remind you why you are ‘silly’ to feel so bad when you have a wonderful life and ‘Gee, couldn’t it be so much worse’. If anybody reading this has EVER said that to a friend thinking you are helping, DON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN! We know that it doesn’t make sense to feel the way we do when we have a family who loves us and haven’t just survived a genocide or whatever horrible thing we try to imagine to make us feel even worse about ourselves than we already do. Whenever I start to feel really bad, the ONLY that helps me now is experience…knowing that I made it before and remembering how good it felt to feel good again.

    Jenny, I have two pieces of advice. One, erase the word self-esteem from your vocabulary and replace it with self-acceptance. You cannot ‘achieve’ your way out of this! Plenty of people with successful careers, picture-perfect children and houses worthy of Good Housekeeping (or depending on your tastes, Architectural Digest) are desperately unhappy. Love yourself; not in spite of your issues, but also because of them. They make you the person that you are. Two, I urge you to continue seeing different docs and trying different meds. Since tweaking my meds 4 or 5 years ago, I have NOT had any really bad moments.

    Good luck and take care,
    Lori

  376. I love you.

    I love that you are honest and funny and brave and you keep getting up. I love that you wield a parasol like a fucking ninja.

    It’s hard to be honest. It’s hard to be strong. I haven’t hurt myself in 22 years. That’s an eternity and it’s a victory and it didn’t stop me from crying in pain and anguish and despair when I discovered my fifteen year old was hurting herself. But she hasn’t hurt herself in 6 months. And that’s amazing and I am grateful for everyday of it.

    You are amazing and wonderful and I am so fucking proud and grateful that I get to be a part of the same planet you are on.

  377. Over the past year I’ve come to realise that being strong isn’t about not letting life beat the crap out of you but about getting back up when it does. I can’t tell you how much it helps to know someone else is dealing with much worse than I am with so much humour and bravery.

    I starve myself. It’s a weird nebulous impulse, somewhere between self harm and anorexia that has little to do with me wanting to be thin and everything to do with equating weight loss with acheivement. A year ago things had got to a point where hunger could be both a reward and a punishment and it took a huge personal loss for me to realise (and a good friend to gently point out) that not eating for three days wasn’t normal, grief or no.

    I’m eating more now and mostly healthy. I have good housemates who make sure I eat and unintentionally guilt me into looking after myself because I can’t stand to worry them. But when I get angry and upset I fall back into not eating, arms outstretched not even trying to catch myself. Every time people tell me I’ve lost weight it frightens me a little.

    Still, good things have come out of it too. I have a good friend who will giggle like a naughty school kid with me at my anorexia jokes. (The best one was when he was theorizing that women would rather go without sex than without food. As I said: “Really? You’re including me in that?”) Also for a while my official motto was ‘you can’t put an anorexic in a morph suit.’ I do drama and also have a weird life.

    What I’m trying to say, in an incredibly long winded way is thank you for sharing something so personal. While the post itself might be serious the fact that you get up every day and continue to fight is nothing short of life affirming.

  378. I’m so glad you posted this! I have no doubt it WILL help. And I love your taste in battle-songs…that one is perfect.

  379. Thank you for posting. I’m not ready to be public about my own battle yet, and I am in awe and so grateful to those who are. Keep fighting.

  380. I’ve never commented on a blog post because I am almost certain that there are far too many comments for one person to keep up with but this is something I cannot over look. I struggle daily. I try desperately to sweep it under the rug and keep distracted so that I’ll be “too busy to be depressed.” But of course it doesn’t work and it just makes it all worse because then it makes everything else such a struggle and then I feel like a failure and it’s a horrible cycle with no end. I tried getting help and meds and therapy. You see, my husband is in the Army and after about 6 months of me seeing a “professional” my husband came down on orders to report to Germany with our family in tow. After they found out I was in therapy, my husband was sent alone and we were left behind to fight a battle to get his orders reversed so that we would not have to spend two years without our soldier and paying for two households. After that hell, I decided that since they are going to punish me and my children for me getting help, I won’t need help anymore. I’m cured. I’m “normal” and no longer need meds or therapy. I don’t need any of it. Of course THAT isn’t true but now I’m left battling alone, in the dark, and too afraid of the repercussions of trying get better while in the military community. Reading this post made me cry. I’m still crying. It makes me so happy to see when others dealing with the anxiety and depression I deal with feel brave enough to say that they need and are getting help. You are brave and an inspiration and I hope your day 4,5,6… are amazing!!

  381. So proud of you! You are strong! You are not the same person after publishing this, you are a BETTER person. Stay strong, your readers truly love you.

  382. You are quite brave despite what the committee in your head says! It is incredibly important to share for you, for others doing the same, and for others who don’t have depression or understand it. I applaud your honesty and candor about what goes on inside you.

  384. jenny, i cannot count the times you have made me smile when it was what i so desperately could not do otherwise. so i just wanted you to know, you are loved, respected and admired for your unique self.

  387. Thank you for talking about something that even people that I know and love don’t understand about me. Every day is a fight just to stay normal. Thank you thank you thank you.

  388. I don’t know you & I have never commented on your blog before. I don’t suffer from depression, but I do love many who do. I can only imagine what you & my loved ones suffer through. And it is the stuff of my nightmares I’m sure. I say all of this to say, you are an amazing woman. You are an inspiration & even a hero. And at this moment I’d like nothing better than to give you a great big hug & to celebrate with you.

    Congrats on 3 days and here’s to many, many more! You go girl!!!

  389. Thanks Jenny, for having the courage to talk about it. To write about it – to joke about it. My son is 22 and in rehab right now, because he self-medicated. He was severely depressed, anxious…he was a lot of things that I didn’t realize until it was too late. It started when he was 15. At first I just thought he was just “being a teenager”… I didn’t understand it – had never seen it before. I’ve learned a lot about it through his therapies and rehab and reading articles and books. And from you. You give me the most hope. Because even though there are those terrible, horrible dark days – there’s also still life and love and humor and everything else you give to all of us. I hope he finds that one day as well. My heart hurts so badly for my son. I wish I could understand better what he needs, what I can do for him. My heart hurts for you and your loved ones, too. It’s a terrible thing to watch someone you love hurt so very badly. An internal hurt that you cannot fix.

    Whoever said that they’d like to send you a metal rooster to tell you that you are awesomesauce was spot on. I hope someday that with the right therapies and medications and support system, that my son will be awesomesauce, too. He’s a talented musician/artistsand I can’t wait until he gets to share it all with the world – just like you with your talents. You are amazing. Thank you!!!

  390. Jenny thank you for this. I finally accepted that I am bipolar 2 and started taking lithium two Weeks ago. It’s been so hard because if depression is somewhat accepted, bipolar is still misunderstood. I’ve been relatively upfront about the depression. but this diagnosis not so much. I feel so much better on this med, in fact better than I ever have. I do feel healed.I’ll wear that silver ribbon.

  391. I, too, wear a silver ribbon, and my battle is intense (and I’m a bit older than you). Thanks for your honesty. And keep fighting…

  393. You are amazing. You are strong, and you are beautiful, and you are loved. You have built a community of women and men spread over the entire world who understand your struggles and applaud your strength in coming through it. I also struggle with clinical depression, and on the bad days I have cut myself to feel something tangible. I am happy to say that through therapy, medication, and love, I haven’t done that in a long time. There is life on the other side of depression. She is a lying bitch. She will tell you that no one loves you or values you, but I hope you know that isn’t true. Not only do you have family and friends who love you and need you, but you have all of us out in the internet who have never met you, but feel like coming home to your blog and twitter feed. You are the best friend I’ve never met, and I experience your ups and downs as my own.

    Love and hugs from California

  394. First thought: I understand all this completely.
    Second thought: But I have felt suicidal a lot.
    Third thought: But I don’t self harm.
    Fourth thought: Well, I don’t think I do. Not really. Slapping yourself, hitting your head against a wall, digging fingernails into your palms till they bleed to distract yourself – that’s not self harm is it? Not like cutting or something? Oh shit, maybe I better rethink this one.
    Fifth though: Go Jenny – “It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.” You bring both laughter, and serious thought into my life – Thank you.
    Sixth thought: I’ve worked and worked at it and right now I’m sooooo fucking happy. It’s taken me to 60 (because I avoided that work for so long) but right now life is fantastic. You have started your journey much younger so keep at it and you will get there.
    Now I’m off to buy a silver ribbon to wear to show my support for you xox

  395. Well. Done.
    *taking a bow*
    Be strong Jenny. And when that’s too hard, be weak. That’s ok, too. I am learning that lately. Hardest lesson I ever learned. Not sure it’s sunk in quite yet.

  396. You are not alone, and like many others, I have the scars to prove it.

    I’m thankful for those of us who take the leap and talk about it – here’s hoping we can help others by doing so.

  400. Thank you.
    I too self harm. No one understands it. I hate myself for doing it, but can’t always prevent it.
    Thank you for being strong for those of us that don’t have a voice. And bless your family for holding things steady while you find your way back to the surface.

  401. Keeping fighting, keep sharing. As a parent of a now 12 year old who was suicidal at age 9 and now stable, I can tell you we talk about it, we tell him weekly, maybe more, how proud we are that he came back to us. We say, “remember when” a lot in our house because he needs to know we know. We know he fought, even though his mind was telling him he should die.

    We’ve come a long way since his admittance into a mental hospital but we know somewhere around the corner we’ll likely be there again. And we’ll celebrate it when he comes out of it. He lets us share his story, even though I get blasted for it sometimes, I do it because one day, it won’t matter when he says, “Yeah, I used to do that, but you can make it through.”

    So proud of him and of you.

  403. Just what I needed to hear today! Before I read this I called two of my dearest friends and said the words I’ve been avoiding; “I’m depressed.” That evil, haunting beast I had secretly hoped I had conquered once and for all has reared it’s ugly head once more, and I am terrified. There is nothing worse than knowing you can’t trust your own emotions, that they are misguided. You said it best when you said that depression is a lying bastard! Your honest is beautiful, and refreshing, and just what so many needed to hear!

  404. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Knowing that there are others out there not only going through the same struggles, but winning, whether they be small victories or large, is a comfort and inspiration. Be proud and keep fighting!

  405. You are amazingly strong and brave. And even though I don’t KNOW you know you (only through your writing) I feel so proud of you for writing this post.

  406. You are the same person, only way WAY more awesome. I didn’t even think that was possible! Count me in for wearing a silver ribbon. My friends with depression (and yes, some self-harm) are stronger than I ever could be and it’s a shame it doesn’t get recognized.

  407. You are so amazing and, I hesitate just a little, a role model for the rest of us who don’t have your talent and wit but share your darkness. I hesitate because, hey, no pressure from us! But I understand sometimes praise feels like a burden and pedalstals feel like cages. Next time I have a glass of wine, I’ll raise a toast to you. Oh look, it’s happy hour. That’s nice timing. (thank you, btw, for being brave).

  409. made me cry – again. you’re definitely not alone (in either the self-harm or the depression), as I know you know when you’re not in the middle of it. just wanted to thank you for the post, and I’m glad you’re doing better.

  410. I don’t know you. But I can say that you have hit the mark dead center. I suffer from both depression and cancer. I am hoping to survive the cancer. The depression has been with me since childhood. But I want to thank you for writing your post. Undoubtedly it will help many to better understand the battle one has with depression. You have given many people a gift. I’m sure many are thankful for it.

    Lee

  411. Your post on depression is beautifully written…I understand the isolation and the fear that people will just get sick of hearing about it.

    Friends and family fight cancer and disease and I applaud their bravery and hold their hands and comfort them through the bad times. Every illness and sad passing is different. Little private clubs that families and loved ones belong to….

    And…. then theres the club of all clubs, the depression club. So different…. So difficult for our families to understand how we get through each day. My family get mad when I don’t talk about it… and then when I do, they give me such horrendous advice, that I wonder why I even try.

    So, from a complete stranger comes understanding. Imagine a hug from me and the soft words. ” Everything’s going to be OK. You are brave, as brave as any other person who faces a cruel disease. You put one foot in front of the other when you are able, and when you cannot move or when you hurt yourself, remember this hug and remember that I will think of you now that I know” Perhaps you will think of me occasionally and leave a hug for me, in our club of all clubs… A hug that we can call upon and imagine. A virtual hug.

    Maybe one day, I will be brave enough to wear that silver ribbon you dream of. Until then… A hug 🙂 Brigid

  412. Pingback: Depression is an Ugly Bitch « You Can't Get This From a Bottle

  415. I’ve been all the way to the deep dark bottom where death is the only consolation and all the way the bright shiny top, and every day I wake up pleased I won the battle. You already know the most important thing: depression is your brain lying to you. Question what it tells you, yell the truth back at it until it believes. You would not be as mean to a smelly drunk pervert in the street as you are to yourself during depression. Know that, and be kind to yourself. Embrace your imperfections, adore your special skills, celebrate the win, develop your immunity. Thank you for posting this.

  419. Beautiful. Heart wrenching. Bleak. Encouraging. Brave.

    You probably don’t need just another comment from someone you don’t even know, but here goes anyway. I too struggle with depression, though am fortunate enough not to deal with anxiety and self-harm on top of it. My heart goes out to you – you’re the reason I was able to “come out” on my blog about my depression. Big hugs and much love. And a smiling tightrope walker 😉

  420. I am so happy to have your blog as a bright spot in my life. You have given me some of the only giggles I have had in the past year. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I am glad that you have the wonderful support system that you do. I just wish my husband and mother were even slightly supportive or understanding.

  421. Oh jenny.

    I was a cutter, and I have never been ashamed to admit that I miss it. I stopped because it was time, but I find other ways to do it (like, I slice my cuticles off with razor blades, etc) that I can get away with because it was the only thing that ever made me feel sane.

    That is to say, I understand. ::fistbump::

  422. I read your posts all the time…and post them for my friends (all the time) and revisit them for laughs on a bad day (all the time)….but never tell you so. So…here I am, telling you so…You brighten my day and the day of many others with a laugh and a “I am normal, not SO crazy” moment.

    I am not sure if you will have the chance to read all these amazing, supportive comments posted so far…but I am going to add to them anyways (in case, one day in the future, you do go back to read these.)

    YOU ROCK…for your humor and your creative perspective on life (that all of us experience but cannot articulate) and your HONESTY! We all have stories of people judging us for our oddities ( thus labeled as mental illness by men and their families, esp. during divorce proceedings)….but few of us have had the ability to say. “YEAH, YEAH, so what? I struggle and it is OK…. jump in and struggle with me and let us rejoice on the other side of this!” I applaud you and hope that this is the start of a movement and a solidarity amongst all of us women. Heck, menopause makes us depressed and unpredictable…so does child bearing….so does stress…. you are NOT alone! You are just a voice…a brave voice….

    Thank you!!!

  423. I love it when you said you are the same person and we are the same. It’s so true but so many forget it. Nothing has to change and you are funny as hell.

  424. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said but it bears repeating. You have people in your life who love for you and care for you. You have readers who appreciate your talents and your writing who feel a strong connection to you. You feel like one of our friends that we just don’t get to see very often but are thrilled when you write. You have the courage not only to be furiously happy and also to shine a light in the dark places that people would rather stay dim.

    Thank you for writing this post. Depression is a disease and like any other and discussing its symptoms should not be taboo. I am glad that you are safe and are finding treatments that are helping. You are not just surviving, you are learning, preparing, and moving forward. You will stumble from time to time but you will always find a way to get up and keep pushing forward because you are Jenny.

  427. Keep fighting, Jenny. You will kick depression’s ass.

    There was a time when I was going through a lot of dark things that I felt I couldn’t talk about with anyone. I used to self-harm. A lot. Somehow it made it easier to cope with everything. I don’t remember how or why I stopped, but eventually I got past the cutting. Every once in awhile, even though it’s been a decade since I last hurt myself, I feel myself being drawn back to that place. So far I’ve been able to resist every time. Thank you for making me feel that I have permission to be proud of that.

  428. As a seventeen year old who has dealt with severe cases of anxiety and depression, this means a lot to me. Fortunately I have a teacher who understood (understands) and helped me come to terms and get help. The mental illness stigma is still out there but by being open about it, like you are, it will shrink. I’m certainly going to try.

  429. This is so amazing and inspiring. All good thoughts to you, and thank you. Depression is the unsung adversary; so prevalent, and so widely dismissed. And so wretchedly difficult to fight head on.

  430. I think you are awesome for posting this. From someone who has experienced it from both sides, I appreciate you standing up and posting. Thank you and rock on.

  431. This was just what I needed to hear at just the right time.

    I’ve been battling severe depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. It comes and it goes, as you know, but my latest bout is a big one. A big ugly one. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, and I can’t hold on much longer. But if you can, Jenny, then I can.

  432. wow. unbelievable. If anyone judges you then they are asses.

    So happy you are improving. You have a right to be proud. Anxiety sucks:)

  435. I will admit this is my first visit to your blog but I just wanted to say thank you from one survivor to another that was one of the best things I’ve read in months and put a lot of things in perspective, I’m going through a similar regression at the moment and everyday I am reminded of how while I lie in my bed with my head under the pillow the world still goes on around me and the responsibilities continue to pile up, which incidently just makes the anxiety worse, so when you spoke of the lack of celebration from coworkers and those around you when you come out the otherside it really spoke to me, thank you.

  436. Jenny,
    Kick Ass, Take names!! Depression sucks, so kick it to the curb. You are an awesome inspiration to the rest of us, so keep it up.

    Sean

  437. Thank you for sharing a remarkable, and remarkably brave, blog post.

    I have often said that there is no greater way to guarantee our unhappiness than by attempting to live our life by someone else’s definition of happiness — especially the socially accepted definitions of happiness, which often look down on those of us, myself included, who struggle against depression.

    The greatest challenge often lies in attempting to live up to our own definition of happiness. We are often truly our own worst enemy, our own source of seemingly perpetual darkness, which can make it so frustratingly difficult for our loved ones who want so desperately to help us.

    However, we are also capable of being our greatest ally, of being our own source of light illuminating the darkness and chasing our personal demons back into the shadows, especially when we, as you so wonderfully embody, summon the strength to fight.

    As human beings, we are defined more by our strengths than by our weaknesses. Know that even at your weakest, you are still stronger than most people — especially those who do not understand how fortunate they are for never personally experiencing the battlefield of depression.

    Be proud of yourself. Know that even strangers, such as myself, are proud of you for exemplifying the strength that the world should admire and applaud. I admire and applaud you.

    Best Regards,

    Jim

  438. I remember coming out of my last depression, as I left a job that was bad for me, and looking back on that time, wishing that they had had the chance to know the “real” me. The undepressed me. But I also remember the elation of feeling better, having energy, feeling the love for my family in a deeper way because they had stood beside me and because I now could feel something other than my own sadness. You are brave to share your struggles with all of us. I believe it truly helps with the stigma and those who are struggling themselves all while helping you, the one who shared, to continue in recovery. Thank you and Godspeed.

  439. Jenny, you are awesome to me.

    “It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.”

    Absolutely. I’ve struggled on and off with depression, both post-partum triggered and not, and it SUCKS!!!! BIG TIME!!! I hope so much you are coming out of your tunnel of despair and that 2012 proves to be a year where that suck-arse Dementor of depression doesn’t touch you.

    *HUGE HUGS*

  440. I love you, always have, would never judge you, applaud your desire and motive to heal, cheer your successes, weep with you in struggle…and

    I’m proud of you.

    Speak it, friend. There are those who are d.y.i.n.g. to hear these words.

    xo

  441. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.
    Well, even though I have never met you in real life and just like your blog a whole lot.
    I suffer from the demons too, sometimes. Thanks for talking about it. Sometimes people look at me funny when I openly admit I am taking an SSRI.

  442. As someone who also travels the darkest path in the forest, I thank you for sharing your battles. I didn’t think it was possible, but you are even more amazing than I originally thought. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We really aren’t alone are we?

  443. Thank you. Thank you from my scarred arms and heart. Thank you from the bottom of my insecurity-riddled soul. And most of all, thank you from the center of the mental shitstorm that is trying so hard to practice what it preaches and not be ashamed. Thank. You.

  444. Thank you. There is such power in naming these feelings and experiences–when we name them, we take away a bit of their power. When we name them, especially in a public space, we let one another know that we’re not struggling alone. Thank you for naming your struggle–in all of its faces. Sending warmth and admiration for your courage!

    ~Ann

  445. I am awed by your bravery. You were there for me on a day (during Christmas) when I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of the dark hole I was in. My depression has been in remission for many years – but has reared it’s ugly head again, I am sure for a variety of reasons – including the fact that I am finally starting to feel safe (I have actually BEEN safe for 12 years – but haven’t FELT safe) in my life (long story).

    I am so blessed by this post – and want to share with you that I recently (just last week) finally told my husband of 11 years that I used to self-harm, have been in remission for about 5 years and that I was feeling to urge to do so again. I too am safe, but just being HONEST is really hard, and really cathartic and healing.

    My daughter is 5. She is my sixth child (5 boys, obviously LOL) and she is my greatest hope for true recovery. FIGHT ON – I am designing up and ordering some tshirts with silver ribbons right now. Love – DW

  446. I am still trying to regulate my medication to get my migraines, depression and anxiety all under control. Seeing you overcome gives me hope that I will as well. I have had a breakthrough in the past few days and may have found the proper migraine preventative, then I can work on the depression and anxiety. In the meantime, my scars are on my face, I can’t stop picking at it… my own form of self-mutilation I suppose.

    If anyone is interested, this is a blog post I wrote at the end of August when I finally realized I was battling depression again: http://snarkysillysad.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/my-old-nemesis-we-meet-again/
    I posted a link to this on my Facebook and was pleasantly surprised by the encouragement and “I’ve been there too” comments I received.

  447. I so admire your courage, Jenny. Don’t ever stop fighting. People I love fight this fight too, and sometimes it’s hard to watch, but I can’t imagine life if they (and you) stopped fighting. Your words and your bravery in telling your story makes such a huge difference for people. Thank you for that.

  449. I started reading your blog because you sounded like the kind of person I’d be friends with in real life. A little goofy, a lot hilarious, and just a bit askew – in other words, someone I had quite a few things in common with. And this post is just one more thing I have in common with you. I’ve engaged in self-harm, and I struggle with depression. And neither you nor I are alone.

    Thank you, thank you for posting this.

  450. I can relate to your battles, for mine are similar. Sometimes when I read your posts about your depression, I think we could be twins except that you have a big metal chicken and I have quasi-domesticated squirrels that are worse than cats when it comes to wanting their breakfast.

    Sometimes I find it overwhelming to be a mom with depression. Other times, it’s a blessing because motherhood forces me to get up and put one foot in front of the other until I’ve done what needs to get done and then I can go back to bed. Depression without motherhood was far worse because I didn’t fight, I just hid.

    Like others who have posted here, you have grown taller in my eyes for your honesty. I’ve been struggling a lot these past months and while it doesn’t seem like I’m winning, I’m not losing. Your honesty tonight reminded me that I am winning because I am here and I fight. Thank you.

    PS. The silver ribbon should be glittery. Glitter is more celebratory.

  451. I wish I could be this openly honest about how my mental illnesses affect my life. But I am afraid. Thank you for being honest in such a public place in ways that I cannot be.

  452. As a fellow depression sufferer, I am so proud of you. One, for hanging in there as you got to the other side, and two, being willing to talk about your fight with self harm. I’m going to print out and hang up you declaration of survival where I can see in the mornings as I start the day to remind me that I am a survivor and be proud of it, like you. Hand clasp.

  453. I have battled depression since I was 13. You speak such beautiful and frightening truth about this disease. I am forever grateful for your words.

  454. I too self-harm in the form of alcoholism and bulimia, which has plagued me to varying degrees for the better part of twenty years. Although I have been sober for several years now, the eating disorder still rears its ugly head in times of trouble. I have good days and bad days but for the most part the good outweigh the bad and I no longer seek perfection, but simply progress. We have a saying in AA: “You are only as sick as your secrets”; the more we can start being honest with ourselves and others, the more we will learn to respect the person we see in the mirror, and THAT is the greatest enemy of depression and addiction. . .self-worth. I’ve often said that “damaged” people are generally the funniest ad most appreciative people in the world and you are evidence of that. Like my wise Mama always said: “Honey, I don’t trust someone who doesn’t have ‘baggage’; it shows that they haven’t travelled.”

  455. You’re one of the bravest people I know. Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for being you, flaws and all. xox

  456. You make me laugh so often, and then you make me cry with things like this. They’re good tears, of joy, or sympathy, or relief, but yes, you make me cry hard when you do. And I find myself wanting more and more to make a pilgrimage to Wherever, TX, to see you and bring you cookies and bake you a pie and blend some margaritas while Victor and my husband go off to shake their heads in commiseration over their crazy wives. So, if you don’t mind having a totally non-threatening, not-intending-to-be-creepy stalker just drop in one day, do let me know. You frequently make my day, I’d like to reciprocate any way I can.

  457. I love you Jenny (as do we all) when you are not funny as well as when you are. We don’t just love the comic relief, we love the person inside. We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves, I too, suffer from anxiety sometimes though it is better than it used to be. Maybe now after posting this after a month you will see that posting it (if there is a next time) after a day or two feels okay too. We’re all here to support each other, just like the support group I am in for auto-immune diseases and Fibromyalgia. There is a lot going on in your life now and more in the future so be careful of triggers, it doesn’t have to be bad things it could be great things like your book…..we will all protect you with our love and admiration and our friendship. You won’t be alone, we will be there with you in spirit and love offering xanax and support whenever you want it. Love you, Laurie F.

  458. This is amazing. My mother dealt with depression. You are so brave and continue to amaze me. Keep fighting! Also, I totally adore that Regina Spektor song!

  461. I suffer from a very mild form of depression. I can’t imagine feeling any worse and I’m glad I haven’t gone to any deeper stages. So, I may not suffer as you do, but I just wanted to say: You are not alone and I love you.

    You make me smile every day. That is a gift. A goddamned GIFT. Now go out there and find some taxidermied horrorfest so you can be furiously happy, Victor can be terribly annoyed, your neighbors can be incredibly off-put, and so I can laugh my ass off.

    You make my life brighter. Never stop shining.

  462. Fight. On. Fight for yourself. You matter. To readers, yes but to your family. Fight for yourself so you can show your daughter how. Fight.

  463. Many of us know where you’re coming from having been there (probably doesn’t make it any easier for you, however). Lots of gentle hugs and love – I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  464. Oh, honey. I love you so much, and I know the place you’re talking about. Because I’ve lived there all. My. Freaking. Life.
    I’m depressive by nature, and December just takes it all to a downward spiral that sometimes I can’t see the end of. December is the month I nursed my great-grandmother until she passed away- the official diagnosis was a bad reaction to a flu shot. December is the same month (10 years later) that I nursed my dad as well, until cancer took him on the 30th. So, December really sucks for me.

    But, no matter what, I love ya, honey, even though we’ve never met, and you wouldn’t know me if we came across each other on the street (although I’d like to believe I’d recognize you, what with your picture all over the place), and it kind of doesn’t matter. Because some things, the deep, big things that people have in common, go past that whole “I’ve known so & so my whole life” thing.

    No matter what, every day that you’re here, count it a victory. And it’s not a victory you have to celebrate alone- I know myself, and I’m sure others, consider every day you’re with us, safe and sound, as a victory.

    Love and prayers, and my sincerest hope that 2012 if the best year of your (and your family’s) life.

  465. Be furiously proud that you recognize the disease for what it is and seek treatment rather than become a victim. And bless you for talking about it so others might do the same

  466. Brava, my lady. Brava! You deserve an award of some kind. Perhaps a large metal bird of some kind. It’s one thing to share your life with the world via a blog, but it’s goes beyond bravery to share your pain with that world. I don’t know if there is anyone in my life that suffers from depression, but I will do my damndest to be understanding should I find out there is. You deserve unlimited hugs and chocolate.

  467. I had 2 boutsof depression after my miscarriages. I also have 2 handsome young men now. My 17 yo suffers from depression, bipolar and seasonal disorders. He has rages and lows. its scary and has causes me to have some depression issues again. our family fights this every day. We know that with with prayer and lots of medical help we can make it through! prayers to you for your conti ied fight and lots of love for letting others be aware of it. im not able to voice my life except to my husband, Mom and a very good friend. HUGS!

  469. you bring so much laughter and light to so many….let us bring some to you. You are brave. You are strong.
    Thank you for sharing.

    When you walk into the edge of those
    dark and lonely woods, and when I ask how was your day
    and you answer not so good,
    and when nothing seems to be working out,
    quite the way it should; I will shine the light.
    When the skies up above you fill,
    with grey and stormy clouds.
    And there’s not a single face you know,
    in the maddening crowd.
    When you know that you don’t make your way
    but you just can’t see how. I will hold you in my arms,
    until everything’s alright.
    When your worries, they won’t let you sleep,
    and rob you of your days..
    And you’ve looked in all directions but you
    still can’t find your way.
    When you just need someone to remind you that it’s
    all gonna be ok, I will shine the light.
    When you’re staring down your demons,
    weighing in your darkest night,
    I will shine the light.
    Sometimes we jump into the great unknown.
    Sorrows we all will have to walk alone.
    Waiting there in the end, is a heart that calls you a friend.
    That’s me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home.
    So when your heart is heavy, like a stone,
    from carrying its load,
    and you look into the mirror and see someone you don’t know
    When the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat,
    I will shine the light.
    When you’ve given into your fears,
    when you’ve lost your will to fight,
    let me know what I can do,
    let me try to make it right.
    I will shine the light.

  471. I am crying as I type this because I understand all to well what you are going through. It is hard, but I know that you can do it. It has been about 4 1/2 years since I last self-harmed. I think about it all the time. Suffer with the urge to self-harm. I fight it. There are days when all I can do is lay in bed and breathe. Those are the days that I cling to hope. You will get through this. I have faith in you. As someone who suffers from depression and use to self-harm, I know that you can do this. Love love love.

  472. The funniest people I know suffer deeply that’s why they can convey what’s true and beautifully so.

  473. Jesus Jennie! I’ve read about your battle with depression but did not realize how badly that little bastard had taken hold of you at times. (I also suffer, but more from anxiety and I call it names, like Bastard, because it feels like a living thing sometimes that is trying to break me)
    Thank you for being so brutally honest. Does it change how I think of you? YES! You are way more awesome than I had already thought (and trust me, I think you are pretty damn awesome so that is a difficult feat) because you are not only the talented ,witty lady I have come to love through your blog, you are a survivor…a warrior….a badass chick all in silver (not just a ribbon)kicking depression back to the hell it came from and letting the light and laughter shine in…for all of us. Hope you take it the way I intend it when I say, “Great post, Bloggess. REALLY. GREAT.”

  474. Go Jenny! You work hard every day to brighten the lives of others and I hope I can help give that back to you in my support, you are so loved and I support you 1000%!

  475. There are days when I think I can’t imagine being this sad for a minute longer – like it will drown me or suffocate me and I won’t be able to take another breath. But I breathe in and I breathe out and I look at my kids and I keep going. I have tears in my eyes as I read all the comments and am thankful that there are people who understand depression. It is a part of me and has been for twenty years, but it isn’t me and it isn’t you. Thank you so much for the wonderful post and I wish you healing and wellness.

  476. I completely empathize, which may or may not be unfortunate. For months, the few moments when I’ve smiled, hasn’t been so much that I was happy again, but that I forgot for a moment I was depressed. It comes back swooping in worse than it was 10 minutes before, as some sort of punishment for forgetting. I’m in my 30’s and have cigarette burns on my arms. Part of me realizes how ridiculous, melodramatic, and immature this is. The other part feels better. When I forget to cover the healing scars, I lie about them. To the people who I can’t lie to, I say “don’t ask, so I don’t have to lie”, with a look, they let it go. My friends are making comments that perhaps, being “committed” for a few days might not be a bad idea. But I’m so far behind, that I can’t even consider that possibility. Just doubled my meds a couple weeks ago. Hoping that helps. At least in the meantime, I haven’t wanted to jump off bridges, run my car into walls, so that is an improvement. Writing this brings the ever-present under the surface tears to my eyes. Thank you for being open and honest. It helps.

  478. What a brave and honest post. Thanks for writing it.

    I don’t like to talk about my depression much, because of the shame factor of it all. As well as well-meant but inane comments from other people along the lines of “get over it” that end up making me feel even worse.

    The only people who seem to understand depression are those who have experienced it firsthand…but since that’s 50% of the population, you would think there would be better knowledge and acceptance out there. But depressed people are still being fobbed off with cheery, dimwitted platitudes.

    Hearing the truth is refreshing.

  479. This made me cry.. and smile and cry some more. My husband is battling crippling depression and has been in “inpatient” for almost 2 years because he has bouts of suicidal tendencies and self-harmed constantly. New medications for his PTSD and depression have showed some promise, but it is a battle for my family every day against demons that I will never be able to fully understand and that many never try to understand at all. Thank you for sharing this, for letting your demons be seen by the rest of us and for not giving up. The thing you can do for your family that my husband wasn’t able to do for us, was when you are not lost in the darkness, try and find the ways that things they do can help. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do to watch him battle and not even know if what I was doing was helping or harming. Be strong, be proud and celebrate your victory. I often compare depression to cancer…
    Except… people understand cancer.

  481. You are a heroine, a survivor, an amazing person. Thank you for putting voice to that which so many of us fight against every day. Like you, I’m lucky to have a wonderful support system. Bless you.

  482. Thanks for sharing and helping dissipate some of the stigma associated with depression. I feel fortunate that my depression is fairly mildly and pretty well controlled by small doses of medicine with few side effects. But it’s not something I tell a lot of people about.

  484. You share with us something that is amazing. Being in that place is hard. I know is dark and ugly and you don’t feel like there is away out. I have been there I have friends that have been there and are still there. Depression doesn’t play fair, people often don’t understand it. I wish that you didn’t have to suffer with it but you are for so many people giving deression a face, on that they can relate to. That fact is incredably brave, far braver that I could be. I know when you are in the dark ugly placed depression takes you being brave isnt much comfort but you are helping a lot of people just by existing.

  486. Wow… exactly what I needed today… I’m still clinging to the couch trying to hang on… the website link is to my story… I was honest… almost a year ago…. I too love you more for this

  487. I myself have had battled with bouts of depression. I realize now that I am an adult that I went through a lot of high school and was depressed. First really effected me when I had my first son. I have been on medication on and off when it gets really bad. My family and friends are the best though and have come to learn more about my depression and what they can do to help me. I have never wanted to hurt myself but have wanted to hurt my husband and others. Never my kids (thank goodness)

    I shared your post on FB and encourage others to share it with their story or just their hope to pass it on. I think depression is something people hide or think is wrong with them. It’s serious and until we get the education out there people will deal with it silently. There is no reason anyone should suffer.

  488. You make me proud to be a human. I wish you could really know how wonderful you are and what you mean to all of us. Keep up the fight and keep telling us about it.

  489. Having just spent the afternoon curled up on the couch after a ‘bad-brain-chemistry’ morning, I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and your bravery. You’re the same Bloggess that makes us laugh till our sides hurt but that same coin from which humor shines often has a flip side most people don’t ask about and we tend to keep it hidden.

    Silver ribbons are a wonderful idea. People will ask, not sure what they are for and members of this dogged band of survivors will explain our badge of endurance and courage and pass it on to those whose eyes show they know exactly what we’re talking about.

    Thank you for sharing your fight. We’re right there with you.

  490. Jenny, I am proud of you for writing and posting this. I have been an admirer of yours ever since I came across your work in February of 2009. You are a special person; you’ve made a difference in people’s lives; you’ve given us smiles, thoughts, and an occasional tear. I’m going to speak for all of your readers, fans and followers when I tell you that we’re here for you, we’ll support you as best we can, and that we’re looking forward to your adventures for years to come. – Josh

  492. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.
    Thank you for being brave enough to post this. You are a remarkable woman.

  493. Jenny, thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. I just sent this link to everyone I know who has struggled with depression. Thank you. <3

  494. The fact that you posted this shows how strong you are. You have helped a lot of people with these words. Hang in there.

  495. You are so full is awesome, chickie. I sit in awe. Thank you for being courageous enough to hit the “post” button on that. My 16 year-old struggles with the same demon. Gonna point her your way so she knows she’s not alone.

  496. I cannot possibly thank you enough for sharing this. I have systemic disease like you do (not RA, something different) and have also suffered in silence with OCD…until now. I recently read a book by Marc Summers called “Everything In Its Place”, and it opened my eyes to what the condition really is instead of what the general public shuns or jokes about. It taught me more about myself than I can express, and I have been trying to blog about it but have not had the courage to put it out there yet. I’m not one to talk about “signs”, but I think this is a pretty strong one that I should be brave and move forward with telling my story. I’m going to do it. Thank you, Jenny. With your incredible presence in cyberspace, what you have done today will make a true impact on God only knows how many people out there. You are a hero for this, and I thank you.

  497. What I do is, I go to my karate club and get the blue shit kicked out of me. Or I kick the blue shit out of somebody else. Doesn’t matter which. The high lasts for days. I tried Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, even Effexor, Strattera, and Adderall. Aderall ROCKS! by the way, but it doesn’t do sh!t for depression. I even talked a doctor into giving me Pamelor which can actually kill you if you don’t take it right. It didn’t work. I threw it out. Only actual violence works for me. And it’s only legal in a club where you are all mutually committed to not killing each other.

    I love you, Jenny.

    I mean that.

  498. I would absolutely wear a silver ribbon. I have a barely controlled anxiety disorder — not severe, but present. (And almost no one in my life knows about it.) I will never understand why physical ills are laudable but mental illness is shunned. I admire you as a wonderful writer and soldier in the struggle. Congratulations for coming through the dark, yet again.

  499. I am incredibly proud of you. Not only are you still the same person, you are more authentically her. A few years ago I did a blogathon, one entry every 30 minutes for 24 hours, about my struggles with mental health. It was hard and scary, but it made every day after that easier to bear, because I wasn’t hiding anymore.

    Love to you. Sing your song with every breath you can put into it. We’ll sing ours too, so we can all hear each other, be a voice for anyone having a darker time.

  500. I used to self-harm. Like you it was never life threatening, but that didn’t make it any less real or any easier for me and my family to deal with. I was younger, and it scared the heck out of my mother. But through a lot of hard work, a lot of time, a lot of crying, and some professional help I was able to overcome it. It still scares the crap out of my mother over 10 years later. I can hear it in her voice anytime I am upset. And she is right to feel that way. Because although its been more than 10 years since the last time I hurt myself, sometimes when the hurt is so bad inside it seems like to only way to make it go away. But like depression, that desire is a lying bastard. And it’s not the only way. And I know that now. So thank you for reminding me why I fight this every day and know, from one sufferer to another, it is possible and you are strong enough.

    Congratulations on making it this far. It is an accomplishment to be celebrated.

  501. Thank You. I don’t struggle with this but my husband has bipolar and anxiety disorder. I’ve struggled for years to try and understand him and although he’s usually better at expressing himself than I am this is one of the places where he just can’t communicate the things he’s feeling to me or what he needs from me. This post has helped put a piece in that puzzle thank you a billion times over. Thank you for being so damn awesome.

  502. The most wonderful I’ve read since the Internet was invented. I’ve been hospitalized four times with depression and the ONLY thing that got me through it was knowing how much it would hurt other people if I left them. You can’t build health on that, but it can keep you out of the grave. Make connections, tell the truth, learn what works for you – my last hospitalization was in 2006 and the things I learned during my dark years help me survive every day. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  503. Someone in the comments above had the perfect way of saying what I wanted to…you are indeed balls to the wall awesome. Thank you for writing this, it’s nice to know there are so many people who understand & support each other, to balance out the people who don’t know or don’t care. I read in one of the comments about a mom concerned for her daughter, & I was hopeful that my experiences and lack of support are on the way out. When I was 13 I started cutting & when my mother walked in on me once, mocked me & told me I was a weak, pathetic kid & “go on” cutting. Idk why I just shared that…sorry. But you make me proud and thankful and happy. Nothing you ever write could make me feel any different about you (even if you murdered someone). Sending giant virtual hugs that will leap out of your screen to smother you with love.

  504. Yesterday you were someone I wish were my friend. Today you are my hero.

    Thank you for posting this. I have had chronic depression for as long as I can remember, but have only been treated for it for the last 20 years (I’m almost 40). Thank you for being brave enough to post this and thank you for calling those of us who deal with depression and anxiety “survivors.” you just gave me great inspiration for Twenty Twelve. 😀

  506. I understand and have gone through that, too. I’d like to say that I’ll meet you someday, and show you my faded scars, but I’ll probably just say “nice to meetcha.”

    The scars have faded to the point where you can barely see most of them, but I had runes up one leg and there used to be some paisley swirls on the other. I was a cutter, but never a slasher. I did it during 2 periods in my life. I didn’t get any outside help. I just stopped feeling that bad.

  507. Depression doesn’t run in my family, it gallops. So I understand where you are and where you’ve been. I celebrate your success, your strength, your honesty, your bravery. I wish you health and comfort. And I thank you from the depths of my soul for putting this out there where others will read it and maybe, just maybe, understand.

  509. thank you for talking about your own struggle with depression and self harm. I am in awe of your willingness to talk openly of such a personal nature. I respect your authenticity and applaud your tenacity. Rock on girl!!

  510. <> You are amazing, you are strong, and you can do this (and I’m quite sure anything else you want/need to do). Thank you for sharing so much of yourself – the laughter and the pain. You are an inspiration, and you are loved! Sending positive thoughts your way!

  511. Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. In my eyes, it makes you even more admirable and completely deserving of the pedestal I’ve placed you on.

  512. Just look around you pretty lady and when you are feeling better, soak up all the positive thoughts, notes and words of encouragement that you can. And armed with your tools, knowing it can be and wanting it to be better are both possible.

  514. Jennifer, this is your best post to date. You may be the hysterical, quirky, ridiculous and amazing writer who makes people smile and laugh, but you are a real person who needs to lean on people at times. After fighting depression after my son’s birth, I understood for the first time what it must have felt like to be Andrea Yates or to want to die or what it really meant to feel that the physical pain of jumping off of my balcony may feel better than the mental anguish I was going through. Thankfully, I too had a wonderful support system and they did exactly what you talked about – picked up the pieces of my life while stopping their own. Great, great share.

  515. Hang in there. You are a stronger soul than you give yourself credit for. I thank you for sharing and I salute you for your bravery *hugs*

  516. I suffer from Depression and I too feel that pain that you talk about here. I have ran out of my meds and my family has turned thier back on me calling me “too dramatic” so who do I turn too? I dont tell most ppl about my depression in fear that the will run from me and call me crazy. I am not crazy I am sad. I cry all the time when I am not sleeping. I have no desire t6o do anything. Being without a job makes it that much worse, no car, barely making it where I am. cant find anyone to lean on to be there as a friend or anything for me….. where do you turn when you have nothing? I fear this depression and hate that I am back there again……

  517. Depression is, indeed, a lying bastard, and it is so, so tiring to fight him. The honesty and courage of this post will put you that much farther ahead in shoving him back down where he belongs, and will undoubtedly help a few others in their path to healing. Wishing you continued healing!

  518. Thank you very much for your bravery and honesty. Like so many others, I know this battle well. Too often we feel the need to hide our milestones least anyone discover our darkest secrets. Coming into the light and taking pride in our ability to carry on through the struggles…that is what it means to begin to heal. Keep healing, keep sharing, keep strong.

  519. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes at how bravely and eloquently you said what I feel too. I have bipolar disorder along with an anxiety disorder. Despite working two jobs, I have no insurance. No insurance means no drugs to help fight, and the fight is so incredibly hard without the drugs to help you. Thank you. Thank you for being the voice in the night that screams out our pain. Thank you for being brave and fighting. Most of all though, thank you for being you: honest, caring, witty, and brave. My world is not right, but I fight along side of you every day (and especially in those cold, dark, and lonely hours of the night) for it to get better.

  520. I self-harm too. As a teenager I was part of an online group of mental illness sufferers. A lot of us self-injured. It was… not normal, but maybe accepted, in that circle. We all, or almost all, did it. Some of us severely. Some of us lightly. Some of us daily. Some of us rarely. We worked through it together, we recovered and backslid and despaired and joyed together.

    Now I’m a grown-up with a kid and everyone I knew then is better. Everyone moved past it, there was some collective decision to grow up and get better and be amazing. I didn’t. I don’t know how to keep this secret, really. I don’t even self-injure all that often anymore, but when I do it’s ugly and hard to cover for. I can’t talk about it anymore. It’s somehow more shameful, more wrong when you’re an adult. When you have a child. When you mostly have your shit together, even if said shit is tenuous and cobbled together. I find it hard to say, when saying used to be what kept me from hurting, sometimes.

    I don’t know what to put here. I want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, but… I’m not, exactly. I’m sorry you’re in pain, I’m sorry you go through the things that lead to this, but I’m also kind of glad that you’ve found a way to cope with it. Even this way. Any way. I want to be able to say thank you for writing this, but… that’s not it either? Not really. I don’t want this to be a favor you did. I don’t want it to be a service performed. Thank you isn’t really right.

    You are not alone in this — that comes closest to what I feel, reading this, but really what I mean is I am not alone, reading this. I guess I just hope it helps either of us, knowing that goes both ways. I hope it does something for you to know that I am out there, like it did something for me to read this and know you are out there too.

  521. I am crying and smiling at the same time. I also second the “you are balls to the wall awesome” comment, since just being able to post this shows just how strong you really are. You may feel weak or in darkness sometimes, but you are fighting and you will win – you are not a survivor, but a fierce, conquering warrior.

    When I hit my worst period (aka the year of suck) dealing with depression, anxiety, and maybe a little bit of PTSD, I rented a lot of documentaries about men and women in the military–I guess I was looking for examples of strength because I really felt like I was running on empty in that department. Anyway, a Navy SEAL documentary really clarified things for me (yes, I know it’s weird, lol). Every heartbeat, every second, every minute, every hour, every breath, every footstep, every anything that shows we are still moving ahead is a victory. I realized that if I am alive and fighting, I am already victorious. If I take a misstep (or even many), I can correct myself and continue to move forward. Damn it, we are all so strong and we can do anything!

    All fist-pumping aside, I know how hard it can be to put the next foot forward some days. I hope you find your clarity (even if it doesn’t come from watching very attractive men run around in tight tee-shirts…mmmm, yum), and that everything clicks into place. I still fight the good fight, but now even when I’m facing my own darkness I know (even if it’s a quiet voice in the back of my mind sometimes) that I’ll always come out the winner – and you will win your battles, too. I know you will. Many hugs.

  522. Thank you for that post. I understand how hard it must have been to write. Hang in there. You are a survivor. And there are many, many more of us out there.

  523. Greetings, Goddess…

    This, paired with your birthday entry…brilliance. Just simply brillinace. Thank you for your transparency. I bow deeply to the Goddess within you. Prevailing means anywhere in between barely hanging in there and thriving…and the whole range in between…

    And just so you know, the only jewelry I wear is SILVER. And I wear alot of it. Alot.

    Prevail~Tattoo GIrl (Sending Goddess blessings, Love, Light, Magick, and Spirit flowing strongly your way)

  525. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. Many of us have demons that we battle and I applaud you for being able to talk about yours. My husband is bipolar and schizoaffective. I never talk about it on my blog. I’m too afraid. When you open your life up like that you become vulnerable, and I need to be strong…so I don’t talk about it. It’s a devastating disorder, not only to him, but to the family who has to sit behind him on this roller coaster with no control.

    Being able to read your struggle, helps me know that none of us are alone. Again…thank you.

  526. YOU.ARE.AMAZING. Thank you for sharing this. And congratulations on surviving, on beating this disorder back one more time, on making yourself better – for yourself and for your daughter.

  527. This is a truly exceptional post. You are not alone in surviving and you should be very proud of your victories no matter how small. You have brought the conversation to a new level around depression and anxiety disorders and I for one am grateful to you for starting a dialog. Your courage and humor in the face of such an overwhelming adversary is inspirational.

    Thank you! You Rock!!

  528. Jenny, I had no idea. I am so moved. My husband suffers from Bipolar Disorder and we’ve battled it for 16 years and counting. I don’t discuss this with most people. It’s private. And it can be very ugly. I blogged about it once in a humorous way. I’m not brave enough to do what you have done. Besides, it’s not my illness to discuss. It makes sense to me that you battle depression. Some of the most talented, creative, intelligent and hysterically funny people I know battle some sort of mental disorder. I guess it goes along with genius. Thank you for being so honest, so human, so vulnerable. Thank you.

  529. Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to share a personal journey like yours. It is helpful to others to know they are not alone. Having appropriate therapy (as you evidently do) is important.

  530. I just wanted to say “thank you” and to send cyber hugs. I started following you on twitter randomly (I think because of a WilW retweet) and two tweets in you were talking about depression and I thought “This is my people.” I have been struggling with depression and anxiety and was too afraid to tweet it or say anything out loud to anyone beside my core support system until recently. I saw the signs in a friend of mine drowning in a depression with no where to turn, I spoke up and have since helped guide her down a path I was traveling at the beginning of the year and knew well. Therapy, prescriptions, and good friends later we are both doing much better. Thank you for not being afraid first to say something and spread the word. I appreciate you!! =)

  531. It’s okay. You’re a better person to me.

    Love,
    a spouse of someone who fights the good fight

  532. Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, this will be the first comment I’ve left. I don’t suffer from depression or have the same problems you do…I’m just another human being here on the planet struggling through the day-by-day we’re all struggling through. It looks like about a thousand other readers have already commented ahead of me about how amazing and wonderful we all find you to be, so I won’t belabor the point, but I did want to say this: even though we’re strangers (all of us on here, for the most part), even though we may live hundreds of miles apart (or possibly down the street), even though we don’t all have the same issues…you are a part of our lives, and we care about you. We are all here for you. I have a feeling that most of us would do anything we possibly could to reach out and help you, whenever you need it. You, with your brilliance and goofiness and insane sense of humor (and I mean that in the best possible way!)…you have created a community of people who love you. So I sincerely hope that the next time you’re fighting that fight, you cling to that thought. There are literally THOUSANDS of us out here, with our hands out, and our hearts open.

  533. Thank you, Jenny.

    I am where you were – fighting through a bad depression, grasping desperately to life and often feeling like I’m losing… You help. Thank you.

  535. I can’t say I’ve been where you’ve been I have to admit I’ve been depressed before. Like for MONTHS. Thankfully, this has only happened twice before in my life. It was bad but nowhere near as bad as I imagine it is for other people.
    However, this has affected my mom much more. When I was still in high school (about 15 years ago), she used to self-harm, too. That was a crazy time that almost sent me to juvenile detention and DID put me on probation (No, I never committed a crime; Yay! The times of the late 90’s in NY state!). Still, those times have passed after she recieved treatment thanks to the help of some social workers and teachers of mine at the time. She not what I would call OK these days but things are better.

    So, while I can’t say I can relate, I think I can understand better. It’s good to know you’re “getting better” (I’m reluctant to use those words. They don’t feel right here.) Here’s hoping more awareness can be brought to this beyond just teenagers doing it.

  536. Jenny, you are so honest and you are so brave. Thank you for your blog and for all that you do to help so many people. I have never met you, but I am so proud of you. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother.

  537. Wow! Now, I think that you are even more amazing and impressive than I thought before! I’m imagining thousands upon thousands of peoples that you helped today…. just by posting this. People that suffer and fight a similiar affliction… and also all of the people that love and care for those that fight, but that don’t understand the affliction… I admire you more than I can express. THANK YOU

  538. Ouch! (On so many Levels!)

    This is one of the bravest things I’ve soon. I will wear a silver ribbon for you.

    “Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.” — Irma Bombeck

    Please continue to be brave, funny, and I love you.

  539. Depression is a fucker. And not the good kind that buys you a drink first. It’s the kind that comes up to you on a crowded street and hits you in the face with chloroform, drags you into an alley and rapes you. I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life, self medicating, shrink medicating more self medicating plus prescriptions. There are ups and downs, but lately there’s been fewer ups and longer downs. Fighting thoughts of suicide, holding my daughter close so that I feel a reason not to. Booze. God the booze…..but I can fight. I can win. We all can.

  540. Keep singing those battle songs, sister.
    Thanks for your candor – honoured that you shared it with all of us. So many people don’t understand self-harm, I hope that you have good people around you that get what it means for you.
    You are amaze-balls, just read over these posts in moments of doubt (and, if necessary, use the comments here as the lyrics for your battle songs).
    xo

  541. Thank you so much for your bravery. Thank you for talking about something that so many do not. I pray that you continue to triumph on your struggle to survive.

  543. Thank you so much for this post. You are truly an inspiration. I just last month finally felt brave enough to start seeking help for my depression and anxiety. You inspire me. Thank you. I, too, would totally wear that ribbon!
    Much love,
    Nikki

  544. Congratulations on being on the upswing of the battle and for you honesty. I grew up in a household with a father that suffered from bi-polar 2 disorder and with my own little kit bag of anxiety. My father is and was a great dad and we were saved from a lot of the pain of mental illness in a family by the fact that they were honest with us. On e of my children has an anxiety disorder and I think it has helped him through the worst of it in that our family treats it like any other illness that must be treated, fought acknowledged and when you win a battle CELEBRATED!! So YEAH!!

  545. Thank you so much for sharing that. This post moved me so much, and you have put into words what I have been thinking/feeling for the last few years.

    If you can cope, then I can too.

    Thank you.

  546. I want to thank you for having the courage to post this. Fight because you can and know you are loved.
    I want you to save this post and go back and look when the feelings get bad again. Know you are strong and know you may never be cured but you can make it you really can!

  547. You being a fighter was never a question. We all know you will kick depression in the ass and come out on top. You’re fabulous and are certainly not alone.

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey even when it’s painful.

  549. I am like you. I fight the urge to self-harm and I am trying to get it under control before my daughter can see and/or understand. Thank you for sharing you heart. This means more to me than you will ever know, or words could express.

  551. I wish I was as strong as you. I’ve been struggling for what feels like my entire life. And I struggle in silence. I don’t have many friends, and I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about myself with them. I don’t know if I’m ashamed or just don’t want to bother them with my problems. Every time I think I’m getting better, another “rabbit hole” pops up in front of me and down I go again. I just bought a house … all on my own. I should be happy. Yet I find myself curled up on the couch rather than reaching out to my friends.

    Maybe (hopefully) some of your courage and strength will rub off on me. 🙂

  553. OMG, that’s so amazingly powerful. You speak to my fight, and my battles. And to my victories and my defeats. I hope you’re able to celebrate more victories than defeats, and that you get where you want to go. Know that you have lots of loyal followers who will support you when you need it!!

  555. I belong to a support group for my condition. Recently someone said something both simple and profound, and this relates perfectly to what you said, Jenny: people don’t think twice when you tell them your eyes aren’t what they should be and you need glasses. Yet when it’s a disorder of the brain they get all huffy about it.

    I’m glad you spoke out. I think that, not only is there help for others, but personal freedom for yourself. Your depression obviously doesn’t define you, any more than a person’s near-sightedness defines them. Yet it’s there sometimes and you have to deal with it. What a relief it must be not to have to do so in silence. Way to go! 🙂

  556. Because of you I have hope that one day I will be able to face my anxiety and depression head on and not fight it quietly in the dark. My family is aware of my poor mental health, but they do not understand or realize the depth or severity, because I hide it. I dream of the day when I will be able to leave the house on a regular basis and do things with my kids. I read your blog because you are funny and quirky and just my side of crazy. I read your blog because you are honest about what you are going through and give a face to what I suffer from.
    Because of you I have hope.

  559. I’m so glad you made it through another bout. I know how tough it is, especially when you think things are okay at last and the depression comes back. And to climb back out of that again just shows the strength you have. And everytime a person – particularly with your reach and influence – shares their experiences, the more people are helped. Survivors, sufferers, those who care about them. I cheer for you. Thank you for sharing!

  560. Jenny, thank you for having the strength and the courage to be honest with yourself and with us about this battle. Thank you for giving us a battle-cry, for giving us something to rally around, for encouraging those of us who are still unsure how the battle will end. I know that each time I face down these demons I become stronger, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t constantly terrifying. If more of us were able to stand together, and to affirm those who stand with us–whether or not they understand the fight–I believe we would all be better for it.

  561. I’ve written about my struggles and my difficulty with being a 40 year old who struggles with self-harm. It sounds much like yours. Maybe someday I’ll feel like I can tell someone who actually knows me besides my therapist, but not yet. I haven’t harmed in 13 days. It’s not an easy journey.

  562. A friend sent me here, telling me I had to read this post. You see, I attempted to take my own life this past November 22nd. At that time, the pain I felt inside was beyond words. There were no magic medications, no groundbreaking new surgical or therapeutic techniques. Their was just me and the pain. No one else. Nothing else. Or, so I thought…

    Like you, I wrote a blog post about it and THANKFULLY, enough friends on Twitter and Facebook saw it, read it and took action to save me. There were 911 calls made from the US (I’m Canadian) and across Ontario. The police and paramedics found me, treated me with compassion. The support of friends who I previously thought of as really good acquaintances still blows my mind whenever I think about it. These are people I had never met in person!

    Yes, the battle is so very, very hard. But the rewards of fighting and winning are beyond measure.

    Keep fighting, always.

  565. You are an amazing person Jenny, how anyone can judge you for going through something like this I’ll never know. You inspire me to help my husband get through his dark patches more and more each day.
    You should be so proud of yourself, you are wonderful.

  566. God, I admire you so much. I KNOW where you are. I understand you and I applaud your bravery. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have depression–and I fought a long battle against suicidal ideation when I was in the throes of therapy. I also have an anxiety disorder, impulse disorder, PTSD, bulimia/BED [let’s see, have I forgotten any? Oh, yeah:] dependency disorder. I also take meds and I worked for six long hard years in therapy with my [long-suffering] therapist to have the life I have now. Like you, I try to reach out to people and let them know that mental illness is NOT something to be ashamed of any more than they would be ashamed if they had cancer. I don’t know how many of these fucking disorders I would have if I hadn’t been abused throughout my childhood- and it doesn’t matter because it just IS.
    THANK YOU for sharing yourself with others. It’s sooo important to let others know that they are NOT ALONE. You wrote your memoir; I write The Patience Books, which are the story of a teenage girl’s recovery from childhood sexual abuse. I started writing them as a way of processing my grief, anger, and disbelief that my mom turned her back on me when I, at age 38, had a mental breakdown because of the abuse I went through and 25 years of pretending it didn’t happen. My favorite part of the letters I get from readers is, “Wow, the therapy sessions are so REAL!” Um…yeah, they were I mean ARE, ha ha ha.
    I love you, Jenny-The- Bloggess. I know from personal experience that it takes a lot of trust and strength to identify yourself as Thank you for pulling back the curtain and trusting us to keep feeling the same about you as always. If anything, I only admire you more for being an advocate for all of us who struggle with mental illness. Thank you.
    Steady On.
    Beth Fehlbaum, author and avid reader of The Bloggess 😉

  567. Reading you and laughing with your posts is sometimes the only smile I’ll crack all day. Today you brought tears to my eyes but how can I not be grateful to read you? You are alive and struggling. And we are alive, here, with you… even in the distance. Keep fighting. Thank you for this post.

    re

  569. I am proud of you. You can fight this fight. I don’t self harm, but fight the battle of depression. I daily think about driving over a bridge and whether or not I would survive. I wouldn’t want to. Good luck to you.

  570. As someone else said in a previous comment, as soon as I think it’s impossible to love your blog any more than I already do, you post something like this. I am a survivor who still fights the battle from time to time. I have been hospitalized three times on involuntary holds due to suicidal ideations/attempts. Thankfully, it’s been almost 14 years since I was last hospitalized, but that doesn’t always necessarily make it any easier when the demon rears its ugly head again. However, I can honestly say that these days I’m really grateful I wasn’t successful all those years ago. Hang in there and well done on three days!! So proud of you!!

  571. I have almost 10 years without self harming (some would quibble about little ocd things I still do). I couldn’t imagine saying that 10 years ago. I hope that 10 years from now you are posting a comment like this – but for now, not doing it today is what matters. You are awesome, even if you don’t feel it, even if it hurts to hear that. You are awesome because you speak the truth.

  572. Jenny, as someone with debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression and a persistent sense of shame about them, THANK YOU.

  573. Thank you so much, Jenny, for posting about this. I can tell how scary it was for you to write about self-injury publicly. You have given such a gift to the many, many, many readers you have who self-injure and/or who have loved ones who self-injure. I wanted to share this link, because I like resources that don’t just focus on “stop self-harming; it’s bad!” but instead provide other creative options to redirect the impulses and to deal with the feelings that can trigger self harming: http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

    I really wanted to post a link for a self-help website I came across several years ago that was all written by, for, and about people who self-injure and was totally non-judgmental, but I couldn’t find it. The one above is the most similar in terms of information, though not as many different types of information and resources.

    One of the things I remember was that it included, as steps toward healing, if you feel like you absolutely have to cut, for example, to try to cut less deep. (Or to burn yourself less seriously, etc.) It is often so much about baby steps. I know someone who used to self-harm severely, and it was a big deal for her to seek first-aid treatment and follow-through on aftercare. That was a big step. A lot of it is little steps.

    No self-injury resource I’ve found ever mentions this, but I think it’s not on the radar. Because so much about self-injury is about shame, loneliness, isolation, I also wanted to mention that the person who drew my attention to that site (the one I can’t find), has disabilities, and started to self-injure after she became disabled, which I did as well (though mildly and only for a limited time). I know other people who never self-injured until they became chronically ill and/or disabled. Studies indicate that childhood neglect is the most likely to lead to self-injury, and most people seem to start when they’re kids or teens, but my theory is that the isolation and neglect that many adults with disabilities live with causes some similar psychic damage as childhood neglect and/or abuse. So, it can happen to anyone during any stage of life.

    I believe in you. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story.

  575. I may not understand depression, but I do understand what an inspiration you are. I have loved ones who battle the disease in shame. For you to be so vocal helps erase the negative stigma of mental illnesses. Bravo to you and good luck to you and everyone else out there fighting depression (or anything really). Bringing it out in the open can only help more people understand it better.

  576. You are a brave young woman. I’m glad that you are able to see that your depression doesn’t have to be a terminal illness. 10 years ago, my husband suicided, he couldn’t see what you can, that depression can be dealt with and even overcome. I’m hopeful that you will beat this, and that you know that you are a great role model for your daughter.

  577. You’re a brave, strong, funny lady-and you’ll come through it all better than ever. 🙂

  578. Jenny,

    You are fierce. Thank you for your honesty and courage, because you are going to help someone else be able to be honest and courageous.

    I was also suicidally depressed in the summer of 2007, to the point that my psychiatrist took away my car keys so I couldn’t drive it into a tree and my then-boyfriend (now husband) and adult daughter took turns calling me every morning at 9:30 to make sure I had survived the night. I crawled out of that – it took awhile – but you’re right – depression wants you to believe it’s forever and it’s a lying bastard.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2010. That sucked too, but I’m still more afraid that the depression will come back than I am that the cancer will come back. It pisses me off that there are pink ribbons and shit everywhere – not to minimize others’ battle with cancer or my own – but nothing for people who are depressed, anxious, bipolar, self-harming, etc. etc. etc.

    I’ve always loved your writing and sense of humor. This post confirms that I love YOU.

    Stay fierce.

    Lisa

  579. Thank you.

    Maybe you don’t need that Tag “I’m over-rated” any more.
    You are loved, hell… now you have wandered into the category of Beloved!

    (Also, yes it’s me, the one who STILL hasn’t gotten all the way through your archives, and now that I’m making some headway, I see how very many Julies there are here, I’ll identify my self elf by saying:
    it’s me, the Witchy one.)

  580. Thank you so much for posting this. As I type, tears are streaming down my face. My struggle with depression has been since I was a kid. I am now 41, and I see it in my two older kids. I am terrified for them. I can empathize, but I cannot make them better. Good for you, being open and honest.

  581. I think you’re incredibly brave. And if your post has done nothing else, it’s made me aware that there’s a ribbon color for brain disorders – I didn’t even know it existed. But your post HAS done something else – God knows it’s exhausting to feel like you’re fighting yourself every day, but what strange and wonderful idea that we should get credit for making it through just like any other survivor.

  582. I applaud your bravery! You are admitting and saying things that many of us feel but don’t feel brave enough to so publicly proclaim. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  585. I am proud of you…….stay strong and know that you are stronger than you realize.

  586. Thank you for posting this and I’m totally cheering on your recovery.
    I’ve been medicated for Bipolar since the age of 18. I’m in a really good place right now. I’m completely unmedicated because I’m pregnant. I haven’t been in a deep depression for a very long time. When I start to slip downhill, I imagine being one of those kick ass movie heroes dripping with blood, with broken bones and shit, but ignoring it all while still doing ‘courageous’ things like taking care of the kid and getting out of bed and going to work. I’m the only one that knows I’m in serious pain, but if I managed to feed my kid and take a shower, I feel pretty bad ass.
    Bloggess, you are pretty bad ass yourself.

  587. My main struggle is generalized anxiety, (with the occassional panic attack thrown in for good measure) though going through a separation/divorce will
    Make all kinds of things appear. I’m sure you can’t possibly read every comment, but please know that while I realize it isn’t always “sunshine and roses” it’s reassuring for me to see someone with similar struggles in a successful marriage and who is just a success in my eyes all around. You give me hope that even “my normal” can work out.

  589. I love this post because it speaks to me as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I also love this post because it speaks to those who love people like us, but who don’t fully understand our struggles.

  590. It has been more than 10 years since the last time I cut myself. Every day at the beginning was hard, but it gets better. I realize how stupid that sounds, but I promise it does. I promise. I hope you know that every day in between now and “better” there are so many of us celebrating with you on the good days, supporting you on the bad days, and then celebrating with you again. So, so many of us. Much love and strength and good vibes and happy thoughts to you.

  591. I am crying as I write this because I am where you were a month ago, trying to battle out. But unlike you I can’t seem to get over that final hurdle. I too fear the day my son understands that his mom isn’t “right” and the anxiety is overpowering. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly; my 2012 word of the year is Hope for a lot of reasons, but one is to get through this yet again stronger, and better off for having experienced the darkness.

  592. Great post. I’d like to say to anyone suffering depression make sure to have a thorough physical. Sometimes it is not mental but physical. I was very low in vitamin D which can cause all sorts of bad things.

  593. You’re a winner! I’ve been dealing with the same problems for most of my life, but I know that it’ll get better. Thanks for posting this, I love you and your blog and what a strong, wonderful person you are.

  595. proudly taking antidepressants since 2003! and suggesting it openly to my friends…the ones taking xanax silently…that quick fix — Unfortunately it just a mask. Seek real help.

    Jenny, Hugs from a stranger, who has had her own struggles with her hearing, heart and employment the past 2 years: thanks for the laughs! One day at a time sounds simple but hopefully its an attainable goal. XO

  596. Current fighter, you speak the truth and didn’t hold back. I admire that. If I had that silver ribbon, I’d proudly wear it for you, me and everyone else here.

  597. I applaud you for being so honest. You touch so many people’s lives and make some of us stronger and braver in fighting our own battles. It’s scary knowing that depression may (most likely will) come back to visit like that odd uncle no one talks about but shows up for family events and then occupies the sofa for months after everyone else has left. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this battle and that there are others out there who understand that you can’t just “snap out of it”. I also applaud our family and friends who help keep our chin above water when we’re so close to drowning. You, Jenny, are a remarkable woman and still my hero. I know that probably doesn’t mean much from someone you’ve never met but there you have it. Keep up the awesome-ness that is you. You are greatly appreciated

  598. Jenny, my brother did not win his battle with ongoing depression, and after months of heavy drinking on top of a heart condition, he died alone at home last month at the age of 49. He did not choose to reach out to let anyone know how serious his depression was, and I wish so much that he would have. We held his memorial service two weeks before Christmas and I put his ashes in the the funeral home columbarium three days ago. I know he would not have wanted us to be as heartbroken as we are, but we just…are.

    You are smart and you are strong, and you know enough to get the help you need and to lean on the people who love you. I am so happy for you and for all those who love and care about you that you have beat back the darkness. I have no doubt that you will continue to do so. The world would be far too beige without you in it.

  600. Depression is a type of fire. An angry type of fire that consumes you and tries so desprately to destroy you. Thank you so much for posting this, you are much braver than I could be. I, too, have depression and self harm tendency, so this strikes a chord with me. One of my favourite authors tweeted this post and he was right. I also admire and envy your honesty and openness. Your ability to expressive yourself and these thoughts, even if it wasn’t easy. It was brave.

  602. I’m “T” of LGBT, and though I’m not diagnosed with depression I suffer my bouts. My family doesn’t get either of these things. To them I’m weak minded, lazy, selfish, and lost from my faith. And not matter how I pick myself up and find a better me under the layers of doubt, the layers of self-hate and fear, no matter how I strive they find me worthless.

    These are the things I’ve been afraid to tell anyone, because when I tell the people who should care the most, they deny me.

    I know one day you’ll be better. I know it will be the longest and roughest battle you’ve ever fought, but you will win. You have what most people don’t: the will to be the best you there is. And with a crowd full of people supporting you, that will can only grow. The sun isn’t always visible, but sometimes the clouds are beautiful too.

  603. Holy Cow, I think this is the farthest down I have had to scroll to leave a comment before!
    God Bless you and your ability to convey just what you are going through to us without scaring us. I have depression too and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to talk about it before with your clarity or courage. Keep on baby, we’re with you.

  604. Thank you so much for posting this. I have had a few depressive episodes before, but this summer was the worst ever. I also have a 2yo and a 4yo. I could barely wake up in the morning and when I did, all I could think about was taking a nap and going to bed at night. I came through it a few months later, and now things are good again. I know just what you mean about the people who carry the load for you b/c you just can’t do anything yourself; my husband was incredibly supportive.

    You are right in that many people are ashamed to suffer from depression. I only told my closest friends, and not even all of them. I don’t know why we feel like it is a dirty little secret. I applaud you for being open and honest about this.

    Best of luck to you, and keep the conversation going!

  605. Keep fighting.
    Keep fighting.
    Keep fighting.

    Don’t be ashamed, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    You’re not alone.

    Keep fighting.

    We’re fighting with you, and when the darkness comes, we’ll light the candles, wave the flashlights, set off the firecrackers—whatever it takes to lend you the light you need.

    You are amazing.

    xoxoxoxoxxo

  606. Thank you. As a nurse, I am expected to be the person who holds her arms open wide to those suffering each day (which I gladly do), but most of the time, I myself am crying out from the darkness I feel on the inside, “why not me, why doesn’t anyone comfort me?” Then I found your blog. You comfort me. It is hard being strong for everyone else, when you struggle daily to be strong for yourself. I am glad that you have shown me that I am not alone in my battle. I thank you for this, more than you will ever realize.

  607. Thanks for a GREAT blog! I have suffered all my life from depression and bipolar disorder, so believe me I understand. Do I ever! My good news is that I’ve been stable for several years now with a good cocktail of drugs and a solid grounding of therapy. My New Year’s wish for you is that you find the same sort of stability that I enjoy. Bravo for staying away from the cutting! Keep up the great work.

  608. Nearly every morning I wake up I find myself, mid-thought, counting the number of pills it would take or how to go about purchasing a firearm or where best to place a knife against my chest. As I become conscious, the paralysis sets in. Don’t move and I don’t have to worry about doing anything stupid. That’s about the time that I begin hoping the outside world will do the job. Maybe a drunk will hit me coming home from work, maybe a tree or a satellite will fall on me, maybe a home invasion will go terribly wrong. Absurd, macabre, utterly comedic save for the fact that I wish for my life to end. Then I get hungry. How long can I wait here till starvation takes me? Maybe it won’t take long. I know, I’m deeply aware, that if I get up, get moving, get a shower, get coffee, do something, anything, the thoughts will recede. But the perceived pointlessness of it, the further compounding self-created evidence of being a waste of a human life, keeps me in bed.

    Then something breaks through, usually. Sometimes it’s my own hunger. Sometimes it is my pets’ hunger as they lick me on my face. Sometimes its nothing and I stay in bed all day. But usually, I begin to move. It’s like being a pebble on a small incline, rolling and rolling, ever so slowly, down into just existing. Things stop the roll throughout the day. Seeing the pills I woke up counting. Seeing a knife in the kitchen. But it’s a brief stop. It’s brief because I’ve had friends and friends of friends kill themselves. I’ve heard the pain in other friends’ voices, cried with them over the phone, as they informed me of our friends having taken their own lives. I count the dead friends lucky, I envy them even, their suffering is over…for them. Their final action, though, dispersed their suffering onto others. By ending their pain they caused so much more. I think of my adult child, now out of the house, how could I do that to them? I can’t. No matter how much I want to take myself out of the game, I can’t allow it. That’s mean. I don’t ever want to be mean. Even if I can’t stand the thought of my presence, being mean is right out.

    But I lie. “I’m fine.” “Everything’s good.” Posting anonymous. And so on. You’re more courageous that I. It’s a good thing that you are courageous. You give a voice to that which gains its strength from stealing one’s voice. Your post gives it a kick to the face, a nice steel-toed-boot curb-stomp to the face. Depression needs more of that. Speaking out about it allows for communal cleansing, so long as the community understands the essence of it. Your speaking out about it is community understanding. It fosters the understanding. Your post is the good work needed to help break the stigma of depression.

  609. I’m new to your world, Jenny, and I love your words. And I want to say thank you for posting this. Thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts. It means the world to so many people – thank you 🙂

  610. Are you still reading? Congratulations on getting out of your hole. You can celebrate with us!! I’m sorry you struggle with depression and self harm. I struggle with depression, eating disorders and anxiety. it *is* a struggle and with the best will in the world, no one else really knows what that struggle is like unless they have one similar themselves. I don’t know if posting about will necessarily help your recovery, but anything is worth a shot and no doubt your post will help others. Thank you so much. I LOVE reading your posts… even this one. Well done for hauling your carcass out of the mire. It *is* another illness you have just recovered from and you are right… we do get more skilled at managing everytime we come out of having been depressed again. Kindest regards, Karen.

  611. Been there, done that, crawled out, fell back in (though I figured I’d know better, or somehow how to “stop it”), crawled out… the Abyss and I are old chums. Sorry you know it, too.

    Welcome back, warrior.

  612. Thank you for writing this post. Yiu puts into words what i cant. Thank you for sharing everything about you with the world….the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been fighting depression for about 2 years and I think I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The idea of HOPE is what has gotten me through the past couple of months and the feeling will continue to be my guide. Thank you for being you. The more we talk about this disease the better everyone is.

    Stay strong. People love you…including me:)

  613. Thanks ever so much for sharing.
    I am in the sea of people wearing silver ribbons, standing beside you and pulling, pulling, lifting you up so you can feel the warm sun on your back.

  614. I have fought the battle against depression and self harm and the darkness that presses in since my childhood, and I have sung that same battle song to myself, more than once.

    3 days is a huge thing. HUGE! I’m proud of you.

  616. Thanks for sharing. The fight against the Black Dog has been with me since my childhood. It a little easyer to cop with now, trying to find strategies that will work and trying to really se hope.
    I salut You for your brave blog.

  617. I am 27. I self harm. In 2011 I was hospitalized 3 times. (short term) got way too many stitches and my therapist recommended an IOP program 5 days a week. I don’t know if it helps but I had to quit my job for treatment so I feel worthless living on savings while I try to work on better. I haven’t cut in almost 3 weeks..

    The struggle is hard. It’s nearly impossible to understand, but there is a tiny sliver of hope that after a 13 year battle I can beat the demons.

  618. I just want to say some things:

    1. Never be ashamed. The rest, they are kept in line by the threat of Hell. Us… we live there. Since we were born. And they have the nerve to call you “weak”.
    2. You don’t deserve the suffering, or the pain. So, use the weapons you now have. If you found a good doc and have good pills, by all means take them. Nobody deserves this deal.
    3. Fight on. This, too, shall pass. And you will know other things, things that you deserve to have, if only as compensation for having done the time in this flaming joint without doing the crime.

    Good luck and keep up the posting

    From a couple circles lower

  620. As someone who has suffered with depression and mental illness for 2/3s of my thirty year life- I applaud your honesty and bravery. Stigmas about mental illness and depression are getting better, but I still find that when I try to be honest about my struggles, everyone (including my fiance and family) becomes uncomfortable and (whether conscious or unconscious), distances themselves from me. Some people even get mad at me, calling me weak and try to tell me that I can decide to not to be depressed. I long for depression and other mental illnesses to be recognized with the same compassion and concern as cancer, so I will gladly wear a silver ribbon with you. Love and hugs from Wisconsin

  621. Unless people have the courage to say what you have said, we will always be thought of as broken. Thank God you do. My eleven year old son is now suffering from this disease too and has made me bold about speaking out. I don’t want him to suffer in silence and shame. So, basically, thank you. Again.

  623. Thank you. It helps other people who are suffering to have other people out there telling them they’re not alone.

    Keep up the good fight and we’ll all be rooting for you.

  624. I appreciate you for writing this. I appreciate you for pressing the publish button on the post.

    I suffered from depression for about a year and as a self-professed human smiley face, I don’t feel like I can talk to many people about the struggle. I pulled myself out of it but there have been occasions where it sits at the surface and I have to work to not sink back into the abyss. I appreciate your resolve to work and your honesty about the struggle.

    Thank you.

  626. So proud of you for sharing your story. I love you and your blog and I’m a therapist who has worked with a lot of women who self harm so I know what an achievement it is to reach 3 days. Congratulations! It does get better.

  627. Thank you for writing such a brave and poignant post. It brought tears of empathy and complete understanding to my eyes. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger today! Keep at it lady.

  628. I didn’t know I could live a life as an adult with a mental illness until I found blogs like this. I cannot even begin to tell you how much hope you give me. I thought my life was over. now I see that it’s just beginning…

  629. Those of us on the pain road ahead of you saw this post coming. I tried to blog my stuff a few years ago and couldn’t handle any feedback at all, pro or con, because my social anxiety is overwhelming, so I shut it down. I have struggled a long time with how not to be a drag in print when it’s all such a drag. You have been an absolute delight, a word artist, a neat little night light on the internet. I think you’re doing awesome, and I’m really glad you’re out there saying stuff for those of us who can’t quite iron out the bitter irony that overshadows our words. I wound up becoming allergic to nearly all my med families and have had to taper off *everything*, and wow, first holiday season without meds in a long time. I made it, I didn’t destroy anyone, I even laughed and enjoyed people. I think you helped in the in between times. I thank you.

  631. Thank you for writing this. I think it’s incredibly brave to share your struggles & pain with the world. You bring light to the darkest corners & make the rest of us feel less alone. Much love & appreciation, Bloggess.

  632. Keep on fighting the fight, you can create your “life worth living”. I don’t know about you, but I’ve known people who have found it helpful to write a letter to themselves while they’re in remission so that they can read it when the depression comes back. They’ll give themselves reasons and inspiration to keep on going and never give up, since when you’re in the middle of it it’s almost impossible to “talk yourself out of it” or come up with reasons to keep working. I suppose this blog post could almost be like that for you 🙂 You’re not alone.

  633. You are one of the bravest, most incredible women I know. Thank you for not only sharing your victories and amazing sense of humor, but also your personal struggles. You’re winning the fight and by shining a light on it, you’re going to help others win, too. xoxo

  634. I have never commented before, and was sure I never would be able to. Then I read this post.

    My mom (like myself) also has issues with depression and anxiety. She used to physically self-harm herself repeatedly. She hurt herself for years, but it also has been years since the last time she did. She still has the same triggers, but she is strong-willed, and has been able to resist. It may be far from easy, but it is possible.
    To post the truth out in the open shows everyone, and hopefully yourself, that you are strong. That even if the enemy never goes away, you can still win the battle. That you can, and you will.

    You are an amazing woman.
    You are brave, awesome, hilarious, and inspirational. Thank you for all the laughter you have given, and all the meaningful words you have written.

    Thank you for being you.

  635. You SHOULD be incredibly proud that you had the strength to share your story…because there are so many other people out there who will read this and know that they are not alone. I commend you for putting your story out there!

  636. For someone that has suffered through this and has family members who deal with this constantly this is such a brave and honest post. I will share it with everyone. That you can share is a positive step. Thank you for sharing. I know this post will help people, it helped me.

  637. /HUG
    You are a wonderful person, and, suffering from depression makes that more true, not less.
    I myself suffer from a flavor of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder. This doesn’t mean I only get depressed at a specific time of year, but that it is much deeper at a certain, or, in my case, certain times. Depression is a regular battle for me, and, I know how scary it can be.
    I used to self-inflict physical pain to get past the mental, or even, simply, to have something that felt real. You have such a core of inner strength, I have no doubt that you will reach your goal in getting past that. Let yourself take the time you need to do it. /hug
    I grew up in a family that didn’t let on to weakness. Not that it was some, macho, puffery-filled thing. Emotions, and feelings simply were not talked about. I can, to this day, tell the subtle changes in a person from their moods, almost before they can.
    Because of this, I became a bottler. I would hide in the bathroom if I needed to, to perform my inflictions. I was a cutter. Nothing deep, nothing drastic, but, scary, I quickly learned, to anyone who noticed.
    Also because of this, not only did I become a great liar and seemingly constantly upbeat, but I also started to feel dead inside. Nothing really had any effect on me. There was no real loss, even when my mother died when I was 12. There was no euphoric feeling of love, ever.
    I eventually fought my way out, mostly alone. My oldest daughter saved my life by being conceived. I was traveling down a self destructive path. Abusive boyfriend (even got lit on fire and poisoned, it’s been a trip for certain), drugs, drinking, and minor criminal activity. Why not, when nothing really mattered.
    My daughter changed that. Not out of an immediate feeling of amazement, though, that did start breaking through to me, but simply because there are somethings i realized that mattered more than me, and, her life was something I had no right to screw up by drinking or being a druggie, or by getting beaten up. It was an easy decision, but, a hard choice. It was a struggle, because I had to change everything about my life, which, was, basically, the only friends I had.
    So, I got married too young to a man too old for me, and screwed up his life, as well. But, he helped me. Hurt me too, but, helped me. He was a loud man, quick to anger, quick to laughter, violent in everything, and I don’t mean that entirely badly. He showed me that it’s ok to feel, and to admit it, though, I never did, to him.
    I have five kids now. I finally fell in love. Of course I did it extremely 🙂 Gave him my whole heart, all of me. I was fighting to take myself and my children to live with him in Canada (I’m from the US). I had gotten a too tiny apartment, and a job, and sent him money so he could move to his current location and look for work. He found some, and then to celebrate, and to recover from the hit to his pride by taking my money, he had sex with his neighbor.
    It was awful, that crash. I’m still not fully recovered, and, since we have two children together (we were in a relationship for quite a while), I can’t just walk away to mend. Simply loving someone is the most amazing feeling. I love all of my children, deeply, but loving another adult is different. For the first time I had that and, it was shocking to me, the difference it made in me, when I was with him. Having that betrayal hit me was a new low.
    But it too, helped. I’ve become much more open, due almost entirely to a friend whom I love very much, who constantly makes me feel at ease, while prodding at me to come out of my shell.
    I still suffer badly from bouts of depression, and, probably always will. It’s sort of like living near a power station… a constant, low level hum in my every day existence. Some days are great, some days are dreadful, and somedays are neutral.
    I fret, and worry, and struggle all the time, trying to decide what to show my children, and what to keep from them, so I don’t scare them with the intensity of anything I’m feeling.
    Many days I want to give up. I feel like I can’t handle being a single mother of five children, and sometimes only stubborness sees me through.
    But, I’ve kept it together, today, and, today, that’s what matters.

    This wasn’t supposed to be this long, and certainly isn’t about me. I just wanted to let you know that you are Not alone, and, you Are amazing.
    I constantly feel ashamed, and that I am a burden, and, sadly, and more confident telling this to complete strangers than I am to the few people in my life that matter.
    I hope some day that changed, but, I think, that is more a product of how I was raised, and the lifelong habit of hiding everything, than anything else, and, if it changes, it probably won’t for years and years.

    Thank you, for helping me be brave enough to share myself, and my battle, today.
    I love you
    …
    Not in a creepy stalker way 🙂

  638. I have struggled with paralyzing depression off and on for years. For the last six months, however, I have been able to say to myself “Fifteen years is giant metal chickens” and feel cheerier. I am so sorry you’ve been suffering, but please remember that if anything can change the world, it’s being really funny. Thank you.

  639. Just had my 13 year old son who is battling depression read this. He just went through a huge dip and is now on the other side. He said, with badly feigned sarcasm, “Why did you make me read something I know all about?” I told him it was so he knew he wasn’t alone. He smiled, do you get that? He smiled!!!Fucking amazing. Thanks.

  640. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your bravery and for touching my heart tonight. We are survivors. We do win. And, damn, do we ever fight.

  642. Your post makes a difference. To you, to me, to others. Be proud that you have come out the other side. You can make it through again. As to your daughter seeing, my children are 11 and 12. I don’t self-harm, but I struggle daily with bipolar and OCD. They know that how mommy copes isn’t the norm and that they can learn a different way. Hiding your disorder, while it seems like a good idea now, in the long run teaches her that it’s something to be ashamed of. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how you learned to cope. And someday you may learn a different way. I’m not saying you need to tell your daughter, but you may want to think about it.

  643. I have Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism), mild ADHD, and have struggled with Depression my whole life. I even wrote out a Last Will & Testament when I was 16 (but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it, Thank the good Lord). These days, I take meds, and everyone around me can tell if I’ve missed a day.

    I used to be anti-med…. Mostly because I had a kick-ass support system around me, including a hubby who picked up the slack when I was in the depths, and helped me find my way back. Then I hit rock bottom while my DH was away on a Deployment (he’s now retired but used to be in the Navy). I went on the meds to survive the deployment and be able to effectively parent my 3 Asperger’s/Autistic kids & help them deal with Daddy’s deployment.

    The meds made such a difference for me. I’m not an emotional zombie. I still have highs and lows. And lows. And when the lows hit, I wonder if my meds need adjusting. I never want to hit that rock bottom again, and there is always that nagging fear that I will.

    Thank you. Your blog makes me laugh, and helps me to know that I’m not alone. You are stronger than you know. You’re a fucking badass rawkstar, and the world is better place with you in it.

  644. You are an inspiration. I suffered with depression a while back and I suffered alone. My (now ex) husband refused to believe that anything was wrong and balked at the idea of me going to see a doctor because it was money that we didn’t have and didn’t need to spend. Fortuantly I was the controller of the checkbook so he never had to know when I went. I finally told him, and he resigned himself to it only because he knew I was getting better, even though he wouldn’t talk to me about it. It’s painful. Its quiet. It’s dark. It’s lonely. I felt like such a loser admitting that I was on medication for depression because no one near me understood and they didn’t care. They didn’t suffer, so it surely couldn’t be as bad as I was making it sound. Please keep talking about it. You have a way with words that will make people understand that much more just how debilitating it is. I couldn’t make people understand, but you can and its so encouraging and uplifiting to finally hear someone say something. Anything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  645. My mom is fighting anxiety disorder, just diagnosed not even a year ago. She had an awful childhood. I have no idea how to deal with this…it’s frustrating, she has memory loss for some reason. With HIPPA I cannot get info from her dr who is also mine. We were there for Christmas Eve and the evening was a real eye opener. She is not who she used to be….thanks for being public about this, maybe I can learn something.

    Good luck, stay strong! 🙂

  647. Jenny, I applaud you. You are a survivor facing a fight more difficult than most. As a mental health therapist and a person who has struggled with depression for most of her life, I understand the difficulty of winning any battle with it. The war with depression is far from over, but you’ve won this battle and let the depression bastards have it.

    So you self-harm. So what? I told a client not too long ago that if cutting makes her feel better than she should do it. I asked her what her plan was if she cut too deep by accident. When the session was over she reached over and hugged me. “Thank you for not telling me that I am *not* crazy for cutting. You understand.” Self harm is better than dying. If it can control the feelings of depression for a little while, do it and don’t apologize. There will come a day when you don’t need to do it anymore.

  648. Your bravery and honesty is astounding and refreshing.

    We’re all in this together. <3

  649. I’ve struggled with the same for the last 12 years but have been in remission of depressive symptoms for about a year and a half. I’m a social worker and have studied and felt depression thoroughly yet your post has left me shaken, not in a bad way, but in a way that only happens when something touches my soul. I self harmed for 2 years. The last time was when I was 18, in a bathroom at a retreat with 40+ people who would have talked me through it instead. I guess I felt that they were tired of talking me through. It’s a feeling I still struggle with- that people are just tired of listening to me. I know my statement is true and untrue.
    Thank you for your honesty and I will pray for you and your support system.

  650. Hi, I’m 27 years old. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 11 and whether the people in my life have known and chosen to ignore it or have just been completely been oblivious, I haven’t had the support to lean on when I most needed somebody. When I read this though it reminded me that there is always that glimmer of hope and that maybe one day I will find the strength inside of me to be as open about my depression as you have been with yours. So I thank you that.

  651. I’m just one of these hundreds of replies. I am not even a regular reader, my best friend is…she links me the funny things like the cat on the head and Beyonce the monster metal chicken. You make me laugh. That is such an amazing super power. This post made me cry-in a good way. I feel like this so much-even down to the song. It’s been one of my favorites since I first heard it ‘all you can do is try to know who your friends are when you heard out to the war.’ It’s powerful and it means so much to me because I forget so often I have people that will be there for me when I am feeling so alone. I’m glad you are sharing the song as a link to others. Your words: “Silent, bloody battles that end with secret victors who can’t celebrate without shame.” Those words mean a lot to me. I am a secret victor. I celebrate in my own head and hope no one even notices anywhere else because when they do it feels like another battle I have to fight again. But I know the battles I have won and now I know battles you win and I am proud of you, too. Thank you for writing this. It’s very touching. I am glad my best friend linked it to me, it has a permanent place in my favorites now. 3 days. Good luck in one more and one more after that and so on. <3

  652. Thank you. I lurk but never comment but needed to say I love you to pieces and I suffer too. It’s hard because mom’s aren’t supposed to be sick. So every day I pop my crazy-meds and do my best. I’ll be wearing my silver ribbon now, and when someone asks what it’s for — I’ll let them know. I’m not ashamed, my pills make everyone around me 75% less annoying!

  654. It is people like you who are and will continue to be responsible for the demolition of mental illness barriers. Once they come down, think of how many will benefit… and survive. So be proud. Be very, VERY proud!!

  655. You win, and your family, friends and readers win too. We’re also celebrating, you may not see the high 5s or hear the cheers of ‘she made it through!’ but they are there. I’m grateful we have smart people *starting* to understand more about how to help, and that my friends who struggle with depression and other challenges have support and drugs to keep them safe when the lights go dim for awhile. :::Hugs:::

  656. I wish I could kill the lying voices for always for everyone.
    Look in the mirror and be PROUD! I work with Jr. Highers and I totally
    Understand the lure of self- harm. Emotional pain
    Is so complicated and physical pain so simple. Fight on!!

  657. I went through a brief period of depression ( caused by a physical/metabolic issue)…..and it was the most frightening/draining thing I’ve ever experienced….. my heart breaks for all who experience it on a regular basis…and I’m so thankful you have shared…..so many people feel alone…and it takes a real person ( not a commercial, not a celebrity) to really help remind them that they are not. <3 to you.

  658. For those of you with no insurance, Walgreens has a low-cost prescription plan. I heard about it when I connected with an unemployed old friend who turned out to be on the same anti-depressant that I was on. It’s 12 dollars for 90-day supply.

  659. There isn’t much that hasn’t been said already, but I would like to add my own thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you found the courage to share your story with those of us priviledged enough to find it, or in my case be directed to it by one of your faithful followers. I grew out of hero’s about 30 years ago, but I think you would be a forerunner for the position now. I have fought this battle for 46 years now, and somedays I feel like I am winning, and then comes the days when if I failed any worse it would be fatal. Kudo’s for your recent victory and you have my sincere wishes for many more victories to come

  660. I haven’t had a bout of severe depression since August of last year. And after having watched “wtf do we know?” I took my cutting into a new direction. Into my left forearm I wrote “Love”. And now when I have the smaller (but not exactly easier) bouts, I look at the scars from that severe one. My arm reminds me that I love myself. At my best AND my worst. I haven’t cut myself since.
    Be proud. It is a dark path that has no light until you’re coming out of it. Just try to remember, we are all there, whether you see us or not. xoxo

  661. Hiding such feelings does nothing but make them more able to lie to those in their grip. Thank for you writing about it! You are so strong to pull back the curtain and bring this to light.

  662. I’d be lying if I said I knew what it was like, but I’m glad to here that you are still fighting and winning. Even those of us who can’t feel your pain are rooting for you. Thank you for all the posts and for making my wife and I smile on a regular basis.

  663. You are amazing.
    My own worst bout with depression and anxiety lasted from October 2009 throughout most of 2010. I actually left work because of it; I was too burned out, too stressed out, needed to take some time to heal. Took more time than I meant to which of course lead to an awful guilt cycle which didn’t help matters. And I’m normally a very happy, cheerful, optimistic person, which makes it all the weirder when I get depressed since the cognitive dissonance makes me all the more angry about it. I’m blessed that I’ve never had the impulse to self harm but I know friends who did that for many years and you’re right that it’s something that’s impossible to understand unless you’re going through it… but I’m glad you have support. Support is crucial. And support reminds you of what you have to fight for – yourself, but not just for yourself. Yourself for them, too.

  664. Jenny,
    Thanks for this. Your humor is wonderful and outrageous, and has a positive, even transformative effect. But we don’t depend on that, or for the Moon to be shot every time. And you don’t owe that to us. We know that you know that, especially having written this post. But I wanted to put it here.
    I have some similar problems. So many do, as evident from just the comments here. I’ve been on Twitter less than a year. I dumped a couple previous accounts because I was so awkward in trying to be funny to people, I felt mortified. Nonetheless my writing was honed, and I’ve discovered people I really want to follow because I LIKE them.
    The slightest positive interaction is still positive, even just reading someone who makes you laugh, or think, or both. All I know for certain is that you’ve had a positive effect, on me and clearly many others. I’m not sure you DO know just how much Love you have in The Only Bank That Counts.
    We *require* nothing from you. We ask only that you continue the good work on yourself, and be unafraid and “un-guilty” to lean on others, and even collapse here and there before you get back up. We are humans, not lone, monolithic Kodiak bears or tigers. Our need for each other is one of the things that defines us.

  665. I hear you and I thank you for putting into words what so many feel. You are helping so many to know they, we, aren’t alone. Thank you.

  666. Depression is a bitch.

    My mother has suffered, and fought throughout her life, and throughout her four children’s lives. There have been times my father has been close to calling someone for help. My older sister has it, and a few years ago there was a two hour drive done very, very quickly, because it seemed she would do something to herself.

    But there is light! My sister is off of meds, and about to give birth to the most beautiful daughter in the world (my God-Child), after the loss of two others. She, and Darcy-to-be, are healthy, strong and happy.

    My mother is finding ways to cope and continue.

    The fight goes on, and those fighting it are strong. And those who stand by the people fighting are also to be admired. Your husband is a wonderful man, and you are a wonderful woman.

  670. Thank you for reminding me how big even the little victories are. We keep them private, but your courage to voice them out loud is inspiring me to keep winning. The fear is always there, but you’ve reminded me that the biggest step is taken. All the best.

  673. I appreciate your honesty and so thankful to know that I am not alone with this struggle. You make me laugh and that makes the world a bit brighter!

  674. I can’t say that I understand every iota of this, because I don’t. I have had my own issues with depression, however, and one bit stood out to me in particular:

    “afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t”

    Thank you for putting this into words. Thank you SO SO SO SO much. With everything I’ve gone through in the past months…we need to stick together, even if we don’t personally understand everyone’s different kind of depression. We all need the support, no matter what’s going on. My thoughts are with you and I’m glad you had the courage to write and post this.

  676. THANK YOU for this!
    I don’t mean to talk about myself on your blog, but I have suffered the depths of hell for going on 7 years straight now ( Lyme Disease and the deeeeeeeep depression/anxiety that comes with it ). I used to be around 500 people a day when I was healthy, and would call all of them “friend”. Let me just say, I bought 3 Christmas gifts this Christmas in case one of my three remaining friends dropped by to visit ( I’m completely housebound now ). I still have 2 gifts sitting here unopened…waiting to see if anybody else drops by. When I got sick, people disappeared left and right. It wasn’t cancer, so whatever was killing me wasn’t worthy of their time. They would actually have to deal with me face to face because there were no 5k’s to run or walk-a-thons to wear their pink tee shirts at. I guess they decided I wasn’t worth it. ( I will admit, I get so pissed every October when I see my former friends fall all over themselves to participate in breast cancer events, where they get recognition for doing so and for being so supportive of the cause. I do NOT minimize the pain and suffering of breast cancer…just get pissed that most people believe it’s the only worthy cause and the only disease worth supporting those who have it. I lost a 23 year old cousin to bc last year, so please don’t hate on me for speaking how I feel. It was HARD to be in my bed, sick and alone and unable to move on my birthday, while everybody loved on her at a party.
    I feel like a dolt for posting this on your blog. Couldn’t help myself, though. It needed to come out.
    Thank you, again, for this post. So so soooooo glad you are feeling better!

  677. There is nothing to be ashamed of about a mental disorder. You should however feel some serious shame for taking so darn long to get on the Doctor Who bandwagon. Or maybe because you wore a real live, dead, wolf to the twillight movie. Or maybe …. I was going to mention Beyonce but I can’t think of anything because she is so awesome.

  678. Jenny, you continue to amaze and inspire many people, including those of is who nave never suffered from depression ourselves but who love someone who has. Someone very, very close to me suffered fromdepression and self harmed for a long time, and it makes me so happy that both he and you are working to help overcome this disease.

  679. You but the thoughts in my head into eloquent prose. Although I do not self-harm, I do suffer from anxiety and depression. I don’t even know if anyone ouside of my immediate family knows that I take antidepressants, but I do.

    I’m inspired by your honesty and bravery. I don’t think I could say it any better then you have and when I get the courage I will post about my struggle and include the link to your true and honest words.

    Thank you. Knowing none of us are alone in this battle brings me comfort.

  680. Some how I feel better about being somewhere near commenter number 700. I’m crying as I read this, knowing all too well the damage that depression can and will do; to the lives of those of us that suffer from it and all those we love.

    I know I’ll never meet you but if I did you would get a giant hug and a bucket full of tears from me. I totally understand, Jenny, and I’m celebrating for you.

  681. Jenny – you will always be our Bloggess, and we will always be your Angry Villagers. Thanks for sharing this – it did a lot of good, maybe more than you can imagine.

    Cheers!
    ~EdT.

  682. I’m proud of you!! Thank you for posting this, as scary as it is to get those thoughts out there in the world.

  683. Good for you! One thing I’ve learned over the years (through my own bouts of depression) is that we are not kind enough to ourselves. We judge ourselves way to harshly…more so than anyone around us. No one is without mistakes, problems etc. They make us who we are and the world is a more interesting place because of it. So..my words of wisdom…forgive yourself for your “weakness” and pat yourself on the back for every achievement (be your own personal cheerleader). Be kind to your self and soul. 🙂

  684. Thank you, so bloody much for writing this. I was diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder. Mixed with Manic Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I’m a whole box of fun that also includes Self Harming. I’m similar to you, where it’s not enough to get my committed but enough to suck the life out of you and everyone around you.
    You are an inspiration to all of us out there. I hide behind my mental illness. I live in the shadow everyday. I only have told one person who is not my family. You make me want to scream it from the mountains and bash people over the head with it. I don’t want to live my life in the shame of this anymore.
    Thank you Jenny.
    I believe your words will help people more than you will ever expect them too.
    I know they have for me.
    mad love
    A

  685. You are so strong. Every day, you not only win against this vicious monster, you make us laugh, or nod at your wisdom, and often both. And we love you for it, even though we are officially strangers.

  686. I often cry tears of laughter reading your posts. Today I cried tears of empathy and understanding. I have never self-harmed, but I have been in that deep, dark place called depression and I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in addition. It is so hard to talk about, but it is so important that we do, as we can. Because everyone–EVERYONE–goes through dark periods and no one is truly alone if they reach out.

    Thank you for this post…and my sincerest best wishes for your continued recovery and well-being.

  687. You’re brave. I’m guessing that you hit “publish” and then held your breath waiting for the responses to start rolling in. I hope that you see just how many people are pulling for you. I wish I were as brave to put my truths out there. One day. One day.

  688. I’m stunned, humbled, and in awe of your searing honesty. I have never suffered from depression but have had loved ones who have. I find your voice incredibly illuminating. I wish you many more victories against the darkness.

  689. Jenny,
    Thank you for this post. I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety (as well as an eating disorder…that’s my self-harm of “choice”), and I just wanted you to know that I get it. I’ve been there, I understand, and I am so happy to hear that you’re starting to come out of it. You are strong. You can do this. And this entry has probably helped more people than you can even imagine. Peace and love to you.

  690. I’m celebrating you right now. Congratulations. Keep fighting Jenny. There are plenty of people cheering for you and I’m one of them. 🙂

  691. Thank you for posting such a beautiful and honest entry today. I am 33 years old and have suffered from depression for the better part of 23 years. You worded it so lovely when you said those that suffer from depression suffer and go into remission, only no one ever praises our bravery. I’ve been lucky to come across a few people in my life that I could fully lean on and that would shout to the heavens when I went “into remission” and emerged from my personal dark hell….those dark corners of my mind that I could not escape. I continue to struggle on a daily basis with my depression and I, too, self-harm. I do it more often than I would like and my own sense of shame keeps me from confiding in those that I know would support me. But I have a wonderful therapist that I reach out to in those dark moments. I bare my scars, both literal and intangible, to her and she guides me through the hell that I feel is my own only sanctuary most days.

    Today was a bright & sunny day. You wouldn’t have known it because the skies were gloomy and the winds howled, but it was sunny in my mind because I got a break from the depression. My boyfriend hugs me and smiles, happy to see that side of me again. He’ll still love me even when I’m Debbie Downer again because he knows it will pass.

    Thank you, again, for being so brave. Both in your fight against your demons and for you candid honesty today. I felt less like a freakshow and more like a hero in my own right. Keep on fighting the good fight!

  692. Jenny,

    I suffer from Severe Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and ADD. I know what you go through and it is awful. People will casually say “I’m depressed” all the time without truly understanding what it means. People who experience it in it’s milder form due to stress may think they understand….but as someone who lived with it her whole life (yes, even as a child)…it never really leaves.

    The fact is that I am on heavy medications that I have to take every day to be a functional, responsible adult who can get out of bed to get her daughter to school…and go to school herself. Even on the meds I go through bad periods, I sometimes have insomnia, I procrastinate and worry, and when winter comes the battle gets harder.

    I really wish that more people would recognize and understand what a challenging situation people with severe mood disorders face. Also that more people could understand that what they are dealing with is serious and there is help for it.

    I love that you are speaking out about this because you have so many faithful readers. Maybe they didn’t realize it was a serious problem or someone they know has a mood disorder and needs help..

    p.s. there is a book called ‘Father Melancholy’s Daughter’ that you might like to read.

    Love!

  694. thank you for sharing this battle and reminding people that we all have struggles…some of them can’t be seen. Much love to you, Jenny!

  695. The bravest thing anyone can do is to face the things in life that frighten them. You have already won the battle by staring this in the face and fighting it head on. You are a true bad ass and an extremely witty writer. You got this.

  697. Thank you. It is so important to remember that it does get better. That is what keeps me pushing through to the other side. Love you even though you don’t know me. You are a super-star and depression doesn’t change that, kinda makes you all the more impressive because you are awesome anyway.

  698. I’m proud of you for sharing what is often a secret fight with such candor. You help so many people simply by being honest, simply by fighting on, and simply fighting the stigma associated with mental illness. You are a brave warrior!

  699. Congratulations on having the courage not just to write it, but also to post it. You are actually not the same person to me today as you were yesterday – today you are stronger. *hugs*

  703. Thanks for being so honest. It helps to know I am not alone. Let’s get those silver ribbons!

  704. I suffered from massive ppd after having my son and had to deal with “friends” giving my pity looks and saying things like “can’t you just be happy? Just smile!”. You don’t know the black fog of depression and the resulting shame until you deal with it yourself. I’m prettyK damn proud that I said “I refuse to fucking live like this”. Yes I’m on meds and seeing a counselor but I hold my head up high because I refuse to give in. I refuse to let that shit win. I deserve to be furiously happy with my husband and our little boy and I’m going to do whatever I can to do that. I have no shame telling anyone about depression and I’m trying to erase the stigma that people have. I have a thyroid problem. Do you look at me any different? What does it matter that I have depression/anxiety disorder? It doesn’t. Jenny, I love you. You are not alone by a long shot and we need some damn ribbons. I’ll wear mine with pride.

  705. I normally would post something humerus as well as many others but I think this post requires something a little more serious. I wanted to let you know that, although we’ve never met, I’ve read just about everything I could find that you’ve posted. This may not mean something coming from someone across the country you’ve never even spoken with, but you have made my life a little bit better just by being yourself and posting what you do when you do, be it random comments about homicidal monkeys, or deep well thought out posts coming from within. While my life has been a series of personal and mental disasters which have led me to struggle to keep the happy persona I’ve attempted to keep all my life, you’ve made me see that it is ok to be yourself, even if it’s bat-shit looney or just as sane as anyone can be in this world. You may be the same person you were before posting this, but I can guarantee you that a lot of us are not the same people we were before reading it.

    Thank you for being you.

  706. Man, I love you so much, Jenny! You do so much for so many people, just by having the courage to write about the things you do. I spent several moths unemployed and panicking about where our next meal would come from or how I was going to pay the rent. I did get to work, but not in my field and through a temp agency, but it gave me some income and gave me the time to get a better job, which I start in a week. I’m still not able to cover all of my bills by myself, and my sister paid for at least half of my daughter’s christmas presents, but things are looking good. I’ve only realized in the last few weeks how far down that hole I had fallen. I’m still teetering some, but things are looking brighter now. Thanks for the laughs over the years, and even for the tears.

  707. Jenny, thank you for being brave and sharing with all of us. I have a close relative who self-harms and I am sending her a link to this post tonight.

  708. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. I have no idea what it’s like to suffer from depression but I am hearing from more and more people who do. You sharing your struggle and being so honest about what you’re going through is making a difference for those who do suffer with depression as well as those who don’t. Thanks for sharing and for helping me to understand. I am grateful.

  709. your words are powerful… and help me understand just a little better the fight i’ve seen from the outside. congratulations on winning this battle. and for articulating something very difficult that will do wonders for all of those waging this war.

  710. Although I don’t know you, I’m happy for every victory you win against depression. My wife doesn’t suffer from it is often or as fiercely as you do, but it’s often enough (along with anxiety attacks, though those have gone way down since she took up meditation and yoga) and bad enough that I don’t know how I’ll get through the bouts MYSELF

  713. This has been the worst year for me, depression-wise, too. I’ve not managed to write about it or properly lean on the support system I have, but I’m pushing through, I’m not letting it win. I even bought myself a damn Happy Light. We’ll see.

    Thank you for your post.

  714. Thank you for sharing, and for fighting on even when it gets difficult. My depression and anxiety are never severe, more annoying than anything, I guess, but it makes life difficult nonetheless. I don’t self-harm (just self-medicate both food and alcohol-wise), but my oldest son does when his depression sinks in, and I find myself worrying over him waiting to see when, or if, it will start again. Keep fighting and keep talking.

  715. This is a manifesto. I need to write mine and everyone else, theirs. United we stand. Also, I love you 🙂

  716. Found this quote after I posted my comment:

    s my self-worth as strong as my self-critic? Is the good, true and beautiful of my nature as strong as the whispers of the demons and the monsters?
    —Angeles Arrien

    In your case, though it might not seem so, to the rest of us, the good, true and beautiful of your nature is stronger, bigger and brighter than any monster.

  717. Sister, I love your blog, and I read it every day. Today I totally get you. I have a friend who has breast cancer. She gets meals delivered and flowers. I spent last winter on the couch incapacitated by depression. No one knew, I assume anyone who saw me just though I was a hot mess. Anyway, stay strong, take care of you and remember you are not alone.

  718. With my heart pounding and with warmth and the upmost respect for you – I applaude you and thank you for your bravery and honesty.
    I realize I do a bit f the same thing and have never – not once, until this second have acknowledged it or the pain that causes me to do this.
    Thank you for giving me the courage.

    Even though you don’t know me from hundreds of your readers I send you a big warm hug.

  719. I suffer from anxiety and toxic shame… sometimes. Not right now, thank goodness. I can’t talk, write, contribute, comment, or even read much when I’m in the throes of anxiety. Like depression, anxiety lies. I love that way of saying it. It takes some of the power away from it.

    I also have shared my struggles in my blog (not at Curiosity Cat so much–this one: http://www.contemplativecat.me). It’s hard to let it go out there. It hurts, it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying. And then people start to comment, share their stories, and stand behind me. And later I look at what I wrote and it’s hard to believe I was ever afraid to say it.

    And every time someone else shares their struggles, I feel a little less scared and ashamed. I’m sorry that you suffer. And grateful that you share. You’re an amazing, beautiful woman.

  721. Thank you for this beautiful post. I’ve been there and you totally hit on the feelings of making it out of the darkness. I remember FINALLY coming out of my first terrible bout of depression and finally “seeing” the “butterflies in the room” that my doctor told me about (another patient of his had told him that feeling the relief was like seeing butterflies in the room…stick with me). When I did finally see, I wrote my doctor a VERY long and VERY rambling thank you note for helping me climb out of the crappy depression hole. Then he got a restraining order against me. Or not. But he could have because I may have professed my eternal devotion to him for helping me. Depression sucks the life force out of people. I love you, and I’m so glad you’re finding relief. You are awesome and lovely and FUNNY and I adore you. You email me anytime you need a thing.

  724. Everyone who struggles with depression should read THE MARS AND VENUS DIET SOLUTION by John Gray. I only did about 6 of his suggestions but it was enough to fully lift a depression that was around for most of 13 years.

  725. Geeze Louise woman!! Could your timing be better? Just this morning I was trying to tell my daughter, explain to her what the last 3 years of healing the debilitating depression I have been suffering from (since 1998), hiding from her & the rest of the world, while I try to hang on. I drank. A lot. And blamed stuff on that. It wasn’t alcohol. It was depression. Alcohol over indulgence can be rationalized better by others than depression. Why?
    I am happy to say that last June, the depression started to lift. The alcohol consumption has decreased by leaps and bounds since. (P.S. most anti-depression drugs do not mix well with alcohol.) I can now enjoy my favorite beverage, wine, every now and again, and not over indulge. For the first time in 14 years, I was not hung over on New Years.

    Thank you for writing this. I shared it with my family. I cried. Thank you for writing this. X’s infinity.
    Becka

  728. You’re so strong to write about this. thank you for sharing. I too have been fighting a battle with severe depression.

  729. I sent a link to my parents. Thank you for putting into words pain that I can never express. Thank you. Truly.

  730. It comes down to one word, ‘this thing you did by sharing’ – Authenticity. And in your being authentic (which includes brave, courageous, honest) you heal a little of whatever that swinging pendulum inside you is scraping. And, beyond that, you reset the clocks/timing on those of other people, regardless of whether they ‘have it’ or ‘don’t have it’ you allow them, with your authenticity to ‘understand it’. Thank you !

  731. You are a strong one! Depression is a terrible disease that can be treated.. I know I’ve been on meds since 1998. The trigger was my fathers death following my losing my momma 4 years before. Thank you for post! God Bless

  732. Thank you for your courage Jenny. As a daughter who lost my mom to depression, I grew up in the loneliness of the deadly silence borne of shame imposed on our family by others. You are a bright and shining light. Don’t stop writing or talking about your experiences.

    YOU MATTER, and you ARE making a difference.

  733. You are an amazing inspiration. When I was diagnosed with depression in 1996 people called Prozac the “happy drug” while they were busy telling me to “snap out of it.” Without modern meds and a kick ass therapist I would not have survived. Instead I went to graduate school and started a new career and a new direction I never thought I could be capable of. Hopefully, one day soon, we can all be as brave as you and come out to everyone, even those we don’t know or trust. Hang in and remember, as you already know, it’s the illness talking not you. You will be back soon.

  735. There was a time in my life when I had to sing a song to walk myself to the mailbox and back, because I was so crippled with fear and paranoia it was the only way I could leave my house.
    Go get ’em, tiger. You are not alone at all.

  736. Jenny: Thank you for sharing this incredible story. I’ve been where you are and I know the fear that goes along with it. I’m glad that you’re recovering and I hope you continue to feel better. Cheers.

  737. God bless you, Jenny Lawson. No shame. Only strength with each new victory. Shouts of congratulations from all of us who know how dark that dark can be.

  738. I’m glad things are better today. I know it’s not easy but I love that you are solid enough to talk about what’s hard and what you’re doing to make it work the best you can. Based on the number of comments alone this post must be helping lots of people.

  739. I’m sorry things have been so dark and so difficult for you. I am grateful for the honesty. I don’t really know what to say so I’m just going to say that I’m thankful that you’re a survivor. And I want to give you a sticker for 3 days because I think you might need one.

  740. Your courage captivates me. Your honesty strengthens me. Thank you for having the balls to heal yourself with honesty…it is truly inspiring.

  741. I am a psychologist and I treat clients everyday who struggle with depression, anxiety, self-harm, and all the other stuff that goes along with it.

    I am also prone to depression and anxiety myself.

    Both parts of me thank you for this post, because I know from both perspectives how much better we’d all be if we could be honest about mental illness.

  742. This is a post that I would love to write. I just recently put out there that I had PPD after my second child. I have fought depression since I was 16 and finally took the steps at 18 to get medical help. I will celebrate with you today and everyday! When I have a bad day I don’t want to get out of bed, but I know I have to so I celebrate for getting up. You are an amazing person from getting to know you through your blog. Kudos for you for hitting publish!!

  743. You are amazing and brave and I know you can do this.

    I also want to mention how amazing Victor is. I’ve been the spouse of someone suffering from crushing depression and it’s not an easy place to be. There are no support groups and it’s hard to explain to your work why you can’t work late because you don’t feel like your spouse is well enough to be alone with the children, even for a few hours. It’s hard to have family and friends not understand why you are doing all the parenting and housework and cooking and cleaning and general maintenance of your life with no help… because your helper is just not able to do anything but make it through the day. There are times you want to shout “get better already!” even though you know for a fact that they can’t any more than a cancer patient can heal themselves. The secrecy of it is brutal for both of you and there is very often nobody who understands. It’s lonely and isolating and shouldn’t be.

    Love and hugs to you and to Victor! Together you can do this!

  745. Thank you thank you thank you. I’ve been reading your blog for months and this post speaks to me in ways no other has. You most often having me falling out of my chair laughing, but today I was stunned into tears with your post.

    So real, so honest and the best expression I have ever read of depression/anxiety disorder and all that other crap so many of us suffer with daily.

  746. Thank you for your honesty and for being willing to take a risk with your readers. Sending you more strength and courage to keep fighting.

  747. Although I am 14,500 kilometres away, I hope you can hear me cheering, because I am cheering so loudly it hurts.
    And the sun is shining so bright.
    Thank you so very much for sharing your battle, I will do my very best to support those sufferring and congratulate those who win.

  748. My only brother was a silent sufferer who lost his battle with depression. We had absolutely no idea how much he must have been suffering until the day he fatally shot himself. After 6 years, I still don’t understand it – I only know it must have been unbearable for him to do what he did and leave behind a wife and 3 young children, parents and a sister who would have moved heaven and earth to help him if we’d known.

    My youngest son (almost 9) is a cancer survivor. We can talk about his illness and his triumph over it with pride. But I still struggle with how to respond when someone asks me if I have any siblings. And I miss my big brother so, so much.

    Please keep fighting.

  749. Thanks so much for posting. It makes me feel less alone! I hope one day you beat depression for good. If I get there first, I’ll share my secret to success with you. You rock !!!

  750. I’ve been reading your site for a few months now, but I’ve never commented until now because I’ve always seen the thousands of comments listed and felt intimidated.

    I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I’m reaching a milestone soon that I never thought I would make it to: my 18th birthday. I’ve had depression ever since I was eleven years old, have been severely suicidal several times, and was just hospitalized a month ago for five days.
    Even though I feel mostly better now, there’s always the fear that one day I’ll be weak, that I’ll do more than just cutting and end it. I don’t want that to happen, but the thoughts I might have in the future… who knows?
    Another thing that frightens me is, even though I’m feeling better now, there are so many others who aren’t. I just wish I had the power to reach out and give everyone with depression a big hug and an offer of friendship. I wish I could do something to help!

    Reading this post brings tears to my eyes, but hope to my heart. Depression is so serious, but it’s so stigmatized. So again, thank you. I’m off to read this post to my mom! (I hope it doesn’t make her cry, too)

  752. What an excellent and honest post. Keep fighting — you have so many people on your side.

  753. Thank you for writting this, and thank you for sharing it.
    There is definitely this stigma towards depression and mental illness that makes it difficult for people to be so open about their struggle. Which is a shame, because it is inspiring to know there are others out there, others who face the same fight and come out victorious.
    I hit a particularly dark spot myself this past fall, and I am eternally grateful to my own support network. Supportive as they are, however, none of them has ever said “I’ve been there. I survived. You can as well” Or appluaded me for picking up the pieces and crawling back out of the hole.
    There’s something uniquely helpful about survivor stories.

  754. Like other people on this page and yourself, I suffer from depression. But reading this just reaffirms the times when I have felt the same feeling of victory from overcoming a bout of depression. Depression is an illness, even though it isn’t visible, it is as you say deadly. Knowing that there will be some respite from those bad feelings and that others around the globe are fighting the same battle, I know I can go on.

    I’m not religious in any way, but I would like to quote the bible briefly:
    “My name is Legion, for we are many.”

  756. I’ve lived on the side of seeing someone you love go through the same thing. It’s hard because you want to protect them, but can’t, especially when they hide from you. You are a wonderful person, and you have people that truly care, and I bet would do anything you ask in order to help.

  757. Thank you for sharing this! It helps me to feel like someone understands! We are not alone. Thank you! Really.

  759. not sure if you read allllll the comments, but i thought just adding another number to your comment count would mean a great deal. like many who have already commented, i too struggle with depression and self harm. have for 25+ years. not many know and it carries a HIGE shame for me. the last time i fell i was so angry with myself… i’m an adult, i’m 32 years old, i should know better already! the fight continues and we are indeed survivors! you coming out about self harm was a shocker to me and i was left in tears, thank you, thank you, thank you for being so brave and sharing.

  760. I wish I had met you when I was younger- I’d have fewer scars. I had no idea that I was in such painfully good company.

  765. I wish I could put into words how you sharing this post makes me feel but I can’t so I’ll just tell you this … I too suffer from depression — ever since I was a teenager. In the beginning, it was pretty scary, there were some dark days I don’t care to relive and now I’ve just learned to live with it as best I can. No matter how many times I tell myself I shouldn’t feel shame, especially when seeking help, I haven’t been able to take that step yet and probably never will. The thought of breaking down and crying in front of a doctor that wants nothing more than to get you in and out of his room is even scarier than just living with it.

  766. *hugs* you’re still the same person to me. Well, actually I feel closer to you. I hope that’s okay to say since I don’t know you, but I’ve dealt with depression and self-harm and I feel like we’ve shared a bit of the same struggle. I hope that I can do just a bit to help inspire you to keep going, because you’ve inspired me so much. Thank you, as always, for being the beautiful person you are.

  767. I have admired you for ages, but now you are officially on my list of personal heroes.

    Thank you for voicing the hurt so eloquently. It helps to know I am not alone as I am pulling myself out of my own foxhole.

  768. I’m typing this with tears running down my face, listening to your battle song.
    I’ve been blogging about my battle with postpartum anxiety the last month or so. It’s been horrible and feels never-ending. Thank you for being open and honest. It’s a horrible disease and I don’t know where i’d be w/o the support I’ve received. I shudder thinking about those who suffer w/o support.

  769. I have been suffering with depression off and on since my teens. I’ve been having another bought of it lately because of someone special leaving me behind.

    Reading about your struggles gives me hope, and let’s me know i’m not alone, no matter how much my depression says I am.

    Keep on keeping on!

  770. thank you for talking about a dirty shameful secret that many of us hide from ourselves and our loved ones. how does it feel coming out of the closet like that? you are brave! thank you.

  772. Congrats! (pat-pat) I am proud of you. Shame is one of the lies.
    I am 12+ years in recovery for alcoholism. I am 5+ years in recovery for co-dependency. I have anxiety and have had several bouts of mild to moderate depression. My FOO (family of origin) is a bunch of fucked-up-crazy-mother-fuckers and I am lucky to be alive and as sane as I am. You, my dear, are in good company. 😉
    So… so what! I’m still a rock star! (thanks PINK)

  773. As a psychologist I give you a standing ovation for saying what so few have the courage to state in public. Be proud you survive, celebrate each time the darkness fades and you resist the urge to self-harm. The world needs to hear more truth of the brutal reality of depression, it is not “the blues” and never EVER entered into intentionally.

    I love your blog, I respect your courage, and I’m a tweet or email away if you ever need me.

    Graylin Fox.

  774. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this. I applaud your bravery and your honesty and read this through tears. You’ve given a voice to something that too often remains silent, and I’m especially grateful. I felt a little shiver at how similar our stories sound, having just ridden a particularly rough wave of depression myself. Over the years I’ve learned to surf, but I still find myself knocked down and pounded on the reef every now and then and it’s so incredibly hard to get back up when those waves keep crashing. Godawful metaphors aside, please know that there are people out here who not only care about what you’re going through, they draw strength from your words.
    *waves a silver flag and rages against the darkness*

  775. I know this feeling of shame and anxiety. I just recently shared my diagnosis of BiPolar I on my blog and it scared the hell out of me. I have been episode free for over 10 years but I live with my disease every single day. My disease spawned a whole slew of comorbid diagnosis ( bulimia, anorexia, body dysmorphic disorder and anxiety ( to name a few) so I understand the harming yourself. I’ve found that the only way to survive it is to own it, know it well ( well enough to recognize the disease apart from yourself) and to just live through it. You are a fighter and you are amazing and you are so brave to share your fight with everyone. I agree, I want us to not have to feel shame and less because of our diagnosis. No one would blame or think less of a victim of cancer but a victim of mental illness is usually made to feel as if they did something wrong or there is something fundamentally wrong with their genetic make up. THANK YOU for letting people like me know that we are not alone and giving me the courage to come out of my mental health closet. Here is my post on coming out of my mental health closet, http://www.motherhoodthetruth.com/2011/10/my-diagnosis-bipolar-1/

  776. Just seeing how many people have responded to this post must make you realize how thankful we all are for your honesty. And how common it is for people to suffer from depression and other ailments. None of us are alone. Thanks.

  777. One day, when I admitted I hurt myself to distract myself, I was treated to the scars of two of my family members. It felt like a weight had been lifted. Here we were, thinking we knew each other as only family can, and then we learned we really didn’t at all. Now, we can cope together. And watch loads of terrible television.

    Mine’s a bit different, as I suffer from significant physical pain every day which causes my depression. And you’re right — I’m more afraid no one will care than people overreacting. So I’ve stopped saying anything for fear of being seen as annoying, or not at all.

    We love ya, sweetie. No matter what.

  778. Jenny, you are a truly wonderful person. I love you, I love your blogs and the way you bring a smile to my face every day. I have regular battles with depression, and often feel like the world is a little too much. But the people I know with depression are the strongest people I know.

    Sarah
    x

  779. I am so very proud of you for surviving and for your honesty. Sending love and good vibes.

    Caitlin

  780. Thank you.
    You amaze me more and more, and I must give props to Beyonce for roping me in.
    Keep up the fight…its worth it to so many more people than you can even imagine….
    <3

  781. ****Sparkle**** (That’s my silver ribbon…)

    Thank you for lending your beautiful voice where many of us fear to tread. You are truly amazing!

  782. “Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before.”

    No, you’re not. The person you were before struggled to share this with the rest of the world for fear of being judged and possibly rejected. You’ve taken a big step toward becoming a newer, stronger you….. You’re not the same person you were before because now you have a massive team of people in your corner to support you in your struggles and your triumphs,….all because you took the hardest step of all and laid yourself bare before us and allowed us to see the real you. Bravo for your courage! Here is hoping for better days ahead in 2012 and beyond for you and for all who struggle with depression.

  784. Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    You’re my hero…. xoxo

  785. Oh, I’m with you and I’ve been there with you and beside you and behind you. You’re absolutely right — nobody really notices us rising out of the muck of depression because it’s easier to notice the presence of pain than the absence.

    I think I might store this line in the back of my mind forever: “I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.”

  786. Depression is a bitch. Here’s to kicking her ass in any way possible. Thank you for being strong and brave enough to write (and publish) this. And know that there are a ton of us out here who care.

  787. Bless you for sharing. I’ve been there. I hate that you have to deal with this but love that you put a voice to it. I’m going to wear a silver ribbon and hug everyone I see who has one.

  788. I love you, Jenny and God bless you, Jenny! I’m crying reading this post – with my husband and son in the kitchen. And I’m ashamed they may notice b ….ok, my son actually walked in and I switched to another tab. Ridiculous, I know. I’m coming out of a rough patch, too – not entirely out of it yet myself. And there’s ubergadoober umpteen comments, so it’s not like I’m talking to you directly – but you always always make me feel like that. And so even though you are talking to umpteenbagoobers of us, thank you for always making me feel like you’re talking just to me – or just to ten of us. And thank you for making this such a community. I love that you’ve just blurted it out there – the self-harm. That is so powerful. It’s cool because it’s empowering – for you and for us. It was an ucky power, perhaps, with your keeping it ‘hidden’ – from your readers. (not that your readers need to know everything but, I know the feeling of not telling your online peeps.) It was like a transfer of power – basically. From an ucky power holding you down to a burst of power charged into all of us by your letting it out. You know? I’m really rambling here, I know. It’s really your own fault – you really struck me with this one. It’s so not my fault. The ramble – it’s all yours.

    And here’s one of my big ‘holding back’ secrets…. I will wear the same clothes for five days in a row, sometimes even sleeping in them. And I’ll go 2 or 3 days w/o even brushing my teeth. And that’s one of the things that has been happening to me lately with the big purple gorilla. (my depression) Sure, I’ve done a lot worse, in the past when I was younger, didn’t have kids. But lately this is one of the bad things. I’m 20yrs sober with three teenaged kids and this is my ucky embarassing thing. And now I’m releasing ucky power from myself and telling all of ya’ll my shame. omg don’t think I can hit submit dont’ know if i can

    Dammitall I’m just gonna do it. Jenny you just rock for using your trauma or hard time or whatever to empower so many. Shit I’ve got butterflies…just hit submit, Lisa! Just do it!

    Jenny I hope you have fully emerged out of this last battle and I hope that your purple gorilla is beaten down to a bloody pulp and too scared to bother you for a good, long time!!!!!!

  789. My teenage daughter has been battling depression for about a year. It is a helpless feeling, watching her suffer and try so hard to keep moving forward. Hang in there.

  790. Jenn, your painful truthfulness made my heart hurt. My son fights depression and I wish I could take it away from him and bare his pain for him but I can’t. My heart goes out to you.

  791. I relate to this more than I wish I did. I’m 16 and struggling with (admittedly mild) bipolar as well as an abusive mother and occasional bouts of anorexia. I haven’t self harmed since thanksgiving, though. I’m scared that all the hope I’ve placed on drugs and therapy is misplaced…

  792. Jenny – Thank you. Depression manifests in many different ways. You will never know how many lives this post may save. God bless you.

  793. You should be proud that you were able to post this. It is always hard to put yourself out there, showing your vulnerability but you have done a wonderful job of it. I want to write about my depression and my struggles. I feel that I need to write about it as part of my attempts to cope. But I have yet to find the words. However my goal for 2012 is to learn how to control my depression instead of having it control me.

  794. you are not the same- you are better. thank you for sharing your fight. it makes others stronger.

  795. Beautiful post. Thank you so much for posting this. As the large amount of comments suggest, you are not alone. Thank you for coming out of the dark to post this.

  797. Thanks for this, Jenny. You don’t know how many people you help with your honesty. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but I keep them hidden. Thank you for opening the door, shedding light on this. You are a survivor! Congrats! *backslap*

  798. I’ll be honest…I’d never given much thought to depression and anxiety until I married my husband. Today, I know that this is a personal battle that is waged in silence. Thank you for being open with your followers. You’re awesome.

  799. Being that I have an enormous amount of depression and anxiety disorder across my entire family, and my inlaw family, I have thought a bit about an awareness campaign.

    A clear ribbon makes sense to me. Like an “invisible” ribbon. After all, it’s the invisible illness that no one ever sees if they don’t have it in their life. They can’t understand it, like it isn’t even there. Maybe frame in a color that represents the world outside.

  800. I can’t tell you how brave I think you are for sharing such a private struggle so publicly.

    It is such a great thing that you have not only been able to ask for help (which is a HUGE hurdle in and of itself) but that you have been able to find things that work for you and you are on your way to being more healthy.

    As evidence by the 750+ comments before me, you have plenty of people to lean on if you need it.

  801. Thank you for sharing this post. I know how hard it can be to open yourself and be vulnerable about something that seems so personal. As someone who has struggled and dealt with depression in the past I know exactly what you mean when you describe coming out on the other side of it. There are soooo many people who struggle with this and never speak about it, it is always comforting to hear we are not alone! Thank you for being so brave 🙂

  804. Jenny, you are so brave and such a powerful force for good in the realm of mental illness. I’m bipolar. Type II. There I said it loud and proud because it makes us who we are and damn we are strong as we struggle through it and triumph over it. Thank you for using your platform for good. I’ll be donning my silver ribbon – look out for us, Jenny’s army, sparkling in the sun. We shine.

  805. Thank you for honesty. I do know that you struggle because I pay attention. I didn’t know the extent. I think you just shed some light on things I don’t understand about my husband. You are the same and I heart you.

  807. Jenny you are so brave and so strong. Know that you are loved by many and are not alone. Thank you for writing this post.

  808. I’ve been there. I do understand. I wish I could have been as witty and funny during my long period in the “doldrums” as you are. You are amazing and far stronger than I was then. I hope the outpouring of love and admiration from all of your fans provides comfort and help to you in some way. I shall be purchasing a silver ribbon posthaste if I can’t find one in my stash, and I will have no qualms about telling people what it stands for.

  809. You are not alone, and you’ll be able to help others because of it.

    I say that because I’ve been there. And I’ve explained the relief that self-harm can bring in times of extreme distress to others to try and help them and their children. It’s been years, but don’t think that it doesn’t cross my mind when times are really hard.

    xoxoxo

  810. Jenny~ You are amazing, strong and beautiful. Thank you for showing us your true self. I won’t say I love you anyway, rather I love you BECAUSE of it!

  811. I can’t find the words to say what I want to say.
    Your daughter has an amazing mother.
    The birth of my son saved me and he continues to save me everyday. Sometimes we can do for others what we can’t do for ourselves. xx

  812. Gosh I feel for you darlin. I just wanna give you a big big hug. You are brave and magnificent and things WILL get better.
    I suffered for many years and went through treatment. One day I had a lightbulb moment – I was lucky – and things turned around. Not long after met a great guy and went off my meds.
    He also suffered from real up and down depression. Gosh it hurt to see him so low. I never loved him less though. The Rob Thomas song ‘diamonds’ (I think it’s called) really sums up how I felt. He has recovered now (mostly). And I felt proud of our victories!
    However recently I’ve felt some of the old feelings return due to some low points in my life. I feel ashamed and scared to go see a doctor again.
    I really appreciate your honesty and courage. Thank you xx

  813. You’re a very brave and heroic person. All the more so for being a bit of a wiseass in spite of having such jazz to deal with. You and I pass each other on Twitter occasionally. Know that I’ll be tipping my beret to you from now on.

  814. I’ve been a cutter since I was 11. I’m now 38. The last time I cut was in 2003. The last time I was tempted to cut was yesterday. I’ve been depressed all my life, been on and off medicines for various reasons. Currently, I’m off them because of money.

    As artists, we cope with the depths of despair on a daily basis. The highs are higher, and the lows are lower. But we live each day, and we cope as best we can. We find those who love us, surround ourselves with people who support us and if we’re lucky (and strong), we survive to live another day. You’re strong, Jenny. You’re a silver beacon in a dark world, someone with a voice that calls out to the masses and allows us to see the light, even in the darkness.

    Put silver ribbons up in your shop, and I’m sure a lot of us will buy them. Even if we can’t admit (at first) that they’re for ourselves, we’d buy them. I know I would. It’s time we all came out of the darkness and shone our light on the rest of the world. Depression is a disease, self harm is a symptom, and we need understanding as much as the next person. Maybe more.

  815. Thank you for posting this. Depression is debilitating, and it makes you feel like a horrible person just for having it. Which is kind of like telling a cancer patient, “gee, thanks a lot for ruining our vacation with your cancer!” I am struggling through it right now, and I’m hopeless and scared. Thank you for the reminder that my feelings of worthlessness are all lies. I will start wearing a silver ribbon to remind myself of my personhood, and that there is a world outside the black fog.

  816. I’m a survivor, too. Not just of depression but a suicide survivor, too.

    Here’s the kicker: National Suicide Survivor Day is not for people who attempted suicide and lived. It’s for people who know someone who committed suicide. There is NOTHING harder than failing to kill yourself. When you’re depressed, you’re already being lied to about how you fail in other areas, but to fail at dying, too? Really? It took me YEARS to stop being upset that I did not succeed at dying, even after I realized that depression was lying to me.

    I’m fine and happy now, thanks to the power of modern medicine, but I’M A SURVIVOR, BITCH! HEAR ME ROAR!!!

  817. I’m not sure I can say anything else that hasn’t been said so I’ll just say Thank you.

  819. You are simply amazing. Thank you for your honesty. Your bravery helps people such as me have the strength to get up every day. You are amazing.

  820. I didn’t fight my depression…it was so sneaky at first that I didnt even know I was in a battle until it was almost too late. On a visit home from college, my mom saw the state I was in (malnourished, sleeping all the time, afraid to go outside) and immediately took me to a doctor. She proceeded to feed me, coddle me, push me, beg me, yell at me, cajole me, and bribe me into survival. The woman just didn’t give up until she had pulled her baby from the jaws of the big grey monster.

    It has been 20 years since that first time. Sometimes the grey monster knocks at my door, but I’ve been lucky to blast that bastard out of my life w/ the help of good doctors, good meds, healthy lifestyle, and a family that stands close to bar the windows & the doors.

    Jenny, thank you for sharing your story and reminding us all that there is no shame in depression. It is a disease that requires treatment & support. My world would be a little less awesome without your blog and I’m grateful for your zany self.

  821. Dear one, I am so impressed by your courage in your candor. Your most eloquent description of a very-hard-to-describe experience is a help to all of us who are/have suffered as you have. Who knows why these things happen? I am sure you have ruminated plenty as you contemplate the spector of a possible return of the darkness…it’s a horrible pattern. But you will not surrender your life, your emotional freedom, or your family to this disease, and in that, you are no different than anyone else battling an illness. Sending you love, hugs, support and my prayers for a complete recovery in this lifetime! Hang in there, honey!!

  822. I wasn’t going to comment, because there are so many comments but there was one that caught my eye, by “Marley” that said “It must be nice to have a support system”.

    Marley, I don’t know you and you may never find/read this comment but I know exactly how you feel. And I hope that if you do read this and feel the need (or just want to) that you’ll send me an email (alura001 at gmail dot com). I know one person does not a support system make but it’s a start.

    Jenny, I bet there will be stores all over who cannot fathom why they are having so many requests for silver ribbon. If you put a silver ribbon in your store, I’ll buy one (at least one). You are still the same person to me…. #1 on my “people I most want to meet” list.

    I used to work in a residential facility for adults with “serious & persistent mental illness”. My co-workers used to call me “the inmate running the asylum”… they were more “right on” than they know.

  824. I (and the 807 people before me) understand. I self-harm, too, in the form of pulling my hair out and other oddments. But anyway, I feel ya. 🙂

  825. Jenny, you should be very, very proud of yourself. I’d wear that silver ribbon for you. For me. For my sister. For all of us who have been through this to one degree or another. You’re doing good. Hang in there.

  826. My whole family for 4 generations has battled depression and anxiety disorders, some worse for it, some OK with it. It’s been so hidden, that a number of us didn’t realize the connections till we were in our 50s. Hiding it doesn’t help, we need the connections to see some much-needed light, to have companions on the journey, to find out it’s OK, we’re all right, there are so many of us in the shadowy places afraid to come out. Thanks for baring this painful wound in your soul. God bless the demons of these disorders to leave you be. My family and I fight on!

  827. Thank you for posting this and not discarding it…I agree: it’s beyond understanding. I have struggled with depression since a young child, and the holidays sucked for me, as usual. I recognize that I have a sex addiction as my method of self-harm, and it has skewed my ability to comfort myself. You spoke of “triggers” to help you climb out of depression’s pit…please share them, when you can. This is the first time I’ve read your blog and am hoping I can read more.

  829. thankyou for posting this. I’ve been struggling under the relapse of some major depression also. We’ll get there.

  830. I’m a long-time reader and, frankly, a big fan of yours but I rarely comment. I wanted to add to the comments on this post, though, and say thank you for your bravery and honesty. Hang in there and keep up the fight. You are still the same person to me!

  831. You are an inspiration. A huge inspiration.

    I think it takes a special kind of bravery to get up in the morning and realize that the feeling is over…for now. To know that it will come back again , and it will suck again, and you will be exhausted again. And knowing that, you get up and fucking live your life anyway.

    You are amazing, Jenny Lawson. AMAZING.

    I’m not a coworker of yours, but I would totally pat your back right now.

  832. You are a brave, strong, amazing woman. We are all so glad you are feeling strong enough to share with us. Keep fighting and know that we are all here for you whenever you need support as you have been here for us whenever we needed a laugh (or a cry sometimes).
    You are loved.

  833. You are still the same person to me. And I think you’re incredibly brave. I’m cheering you on as you fight this battle.

  834. Thank you so much for this. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to write, and never could quite put it into words. You are one of my favourite internet strangers. Full of laughs, and full of truths.

    I’ve been depressed since I was 12. I’m 20 now, and have finally managed to finish high school, the years that my disease (along with physical ones) wouldn’t let me.
    I still feel like this, like I don’t deserve any “yay, you made it!”, not from my therapist, not even from myself.
    I cried outside the building when I completed my last exam. Not because I’d passed my subjects, but because that part of my life was over, and that in one year I had gone from crying in panic at the very mention of the word “class” to finishing them all when they had told me it was too much to handle in one year.

    I’m not completely okay yet. But I’m ready for college. I have goals now, so many. I want to live what I missed out on all these years. I’m starting to forgive myself.

    And once I do it completely, I will wear that silver ribbon all over my body, wrap myself in it, with the biggest fucking pride.

    A hug from a stranger that kind of totally loves you

  836. Depression is a monster that can eat you alive if you don’t talk to those who know how to fight him. He almost took my life at 20, luckily I had family that cared and was there for me. The thing that helped me the most was stopping myself from re-reading chapters in my life that were traumatic. Every time the shit hit the fan I would resort to re-reading those chapters. This was an involuntary reaction that happened ALL the time and I had to retrain myself to write new chapters instead of just feeling sorry for myself. Its easy’er said than done but when I looked at my daughter and thought where would she be without me I had no choice. Leaving her alone was not an option. Sometimes you need meds to distract you from that revolving door of self hate. Then making concrete plans to better your real life situation is the next step. Its tough but, once you keep pushing in that direction you will succeed. Medication shouldn’t be taken for ever however. It should only be used to help you overcome a tough situation. Once you overcome that then slowly come off of them and keep that revolving door knowledge in your mind so that when it happens, you wont resort to re-reading those bad memories and starting all over again. I hope my friends know that I would be there for them if they needed me. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is a tragedy.

  839. Thank you. As I lay here wondering if it is all worth it, a friend posted this to facebook and I realize it is. While most of your posts leave me in hysterical laughter, this one gives me hope. Both are so valuable, but the timeliness of this is remarkable. Thank you thank you thank you

  840. Thank you so much for sharing your battle. As you have said the stigma has been decreasing but it only continues to decrease as all of us come forward and tell our stories. You are a very strong person.
    My son has self harmed in the past. It is very scary. Okay so the following may be triggering and I certainly am not trying to tell anyone how to harm themselves…. I am not sure what you do but when he was trying to work through it he thought of hitting his elbow on things to hit his funny bone- caused pain for the distraction from the emotional pain but didn’t really cause any harm. He has Asperger’s so he is always thinking of a new way of doing things. Just thought would share 🙂

  841. I love reading your site — on the humor days and on days like today when you show the wizard behind the curtain.

    Sell silver ribbons in your store. I’ll buy one.

  842. Jenny,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. You are the woman who makes me laugh so hard I cry just from reading your blog. Thank you for touching my heart. I have struggled with depression too, as have both of my parents, and many other relatives. It really is a silent struggle for many, and I am thankful for people like you who bring it to light in such a poignant way.

  844. Thank you for being honest, open and so very brave. Brave to talk openly, but also brave enough to struggle with depression and live to see more days. Depression does lie, but it sounds like you are finding/ have found many ways to talk right back. I hate my depression; it sucks the best parts of me out of my life. But slowly and surely I’m finding ways to keep the best of me for me. It’s a struggle, but it’s one that is most worthwhile. Congratulations on your struggle. You are an awe-inspiring woman.

  847. Thank you Jenny, for being strong, weak, and sublime…your honesty is always an inspiration.

  849. Words do not simply flow smoothly enough to express the respect and admiration that I have for you. Thank you for bringing us into your life and showing that there is truly hope in the darkness.

    Semper Fidelis!

  850. You’re an amazing woman, thank you for sharing. I plan on sharing this entry with some of my friends who, like me, need to hear your words. <3

  851. Thank you for speaking out about depression and anxiety, and especially about self harm. Thank you for sharing your story and telling the world that this can happen to anyone and that we don’t need to be ashamed when it happens to us or a loved one. Thank you for your bravery.

  852. I appreciate you mentioning family and your support network. I’ve recently started talking to my friends about the personal struggles I’ve had from growing up with a severely depressed mother with borderline personality disorder. Sometimes their response has been uplifting, sometimes it has not. Like cancer, mental illness impacts all the people around you. I hope one day my mother opens the door to her bedroom and begins talking about it.

  853. I feel like you are talking from the point of view of my older sister. Crippled by depression (and my other disorders with elaborate names and even more elaborate medications), she just gets by. We love her and her young children endlessly (she is a single mother, her husband has passed away) and try to support her, but it is so easy to loose patience with her. I so want to tell her to pull herself together and march on, and sometime I do. Usually I am supportive and helpful in anyway I can, but I have my weak moments. Thank you for your honesty, thoughtfulness and bravery. I will book mark this and re-read this…. especially when I need to remember my patience and the scary place she is coming from. You bring so much joy and laughter to my life through your antics and your blog, and you just gave me so much more, hope for my sis. Thanks Jenny.

  855. I love how many times you tell us you are safe. Because my first inclination was “how the hell do I get a hold of Victor?”

    I suffer too. I don’t self-harm. But at one point I was so low I was trying to decide if simply leaving my husband and children and disappearing was a better option or if I should just commit suicide. I didn’t know which would be more harmful to the kids. And I wanted to hurt them as little as possible. When I couldn’t even drive them to school without crying the whole way I called my doctor.

    My husband didn’t understand what I was going through and it took some counselling to get us back on track.

    I’m medicated now and it is the only thing that keeps me from slipping back into that dark hole.

    Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing. You have been an inspiration and I can only love you more for the courage it took to write this and then the courage it took to post it.

    Here is to one day at a time, sweetheart, because sometimes that is all we can do!

  856. Jenny, thank you for your courage in sharing something so personal. You’re actually more amazing than the person I originally thought you were, and the strength you show as a person challenges us all to be better every single day.

  857. Jenny… You are my hero! Thanks for speaking out for those of us so familiar with the darkness in such a bold and courageous way… You are NOT ALONE.

  858. Good for you Jenny. I work with some people with severe depression and I’ve seen first hand how crippling it can be and impossible to bounce back from and I have to say, I’m impressed by how openly and honestly you can talk about it. You’re an inspiration.

  859. I almost didn’t post, because, psh, everybody’s doin it! But so what if all I have to say is “thank you”? I’m sayin it. Thank you. And you go, girl. Way to be brave.

  861. I often tell my patients who suffer from depression that it’s really not fair.

    People who get cancer or have a heart attack have people come out of the woodwork to show support, when actions like that are only marginally useful. The have bake sales, wear ribbons, etc.

    When people hear you have depression, they often shuffle away slowly. People aren’t good at knowing how to handle someone who is depressed. Their ignorance interferes with how they could help. And their help could REALLY help, more than just bringing a meal or wearing a ribbon.

    But, of course, life isn’t fair.

  862. Wow. All I can say is wow. I am so glad you put that out there for others to read, even though it must have been really difficult. I struggle daily with depression, anxiety, and compulsive behavior that I can’t explain other than it makes me feel “whole”. I don’t have a support system other than myself because it is sometimes a full time job to be my support system and people get exhausted and give up eventually. I try really hard to not let it wear on my loved ones, but it MUST be exhausting for them to not be able to help me when I’m in the depths of an attack. Kudos to you for having the courage to face it head on, write about it and admit you need help. Kudos to you for telling your readers what some of the options for help are, by stating that you engage in therapy and have consulted a doctor to receive the proper medications. It’s refreshing, it’s enlightening, and hopefully it will help save someone…thank you!!!

  864. This is one of the best blog posts I have ever read. Thank you so much for writing it. For reaching out. This is something I’m struggling with and if I must admit, I think I’m a bit in denial. A few of my friends have suggested I see a counsellor, but I’ve put it off. I’m not sure why. I know that I feel shame at how this has affected my friends and our relationships. Eeep! We need silver ribbons, STAT!

  866. Jenny. You’ve made me laugh so hard to the point of pissing myself and now cry when I didn’t want anyone to see. It’s interesting to find that someone who has a similar humor style also battles with depression. I’ve often thought that the creative/humor is tied with the mental disease, and if someone were to tell you of a “cure”, would you take it only to give up something that defines you? Thanks for making me not feel so alone. (Even if you may be an internet bot) <3 K.

  867. I celebrate you. I pat you on the back because you are a survivor and warrior. You fight a battle that I’m so thankful I don’t have to and for that, I am in awe of your strength.

    We support you lady.

  868. I can’t even BEGIN to understand your struggle with this condition. Although, when I was 12 and 13, my mother and her therapist were convinced I was manic depressive. I contemplated suicide, and it was a dark time. The problem (well, in retrospect, not really) was that we hadn’t the money for treatment or therapy. I latched onto this crazy notion that my brain controlled all my bodily processes (and some of my outside environment too) and decided I REFUSED to allow anything to be wrong with me. I haven’t battled with it since that decision.

    That said, I understand it is much more difficult when people have severe chemical imbalances that their brains do not know how to correct. This is the reason for medication. I feel terrible that someone as wonderful as you must suffer in this way (but, when you are happy, your special brand of crazy certainly is why I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read everything you write).

    I know I am not one of your regular commentors that you have established a dialogue with. I am a sideline admirer. As a side note, I would like to mention that you are the inspiration for all of my current aspirations. I tell people I want to be just like you (in a professional sense).

    Anyway, all that was just to say that I am currently in the throes of studying fringe neuroscience. I have dedicated the better part of the last several months learning about techniques to…sort of…”manually” effect and change the brain’s behavior. In my research on brain entrainment and biofeedback, I came across this concept of “brainwave optimization” http://brainstatetech.com/# . I haven’t been able to research it in depth (it will likely take me going to the facility and having the procedure done on me, which I plan to do one day), but I do know that there have been MANY reports I have come across in all my research on manipulating brain waves that conclude that people with depression have benefited from these types of therapies.

    This brings me to recall a time when I was really into vitamins, and a friend of my wife was diagnosed with cancer. I knew of (at the time) the BEST alternative medicine treatment facility there ever was. I urged her to tell her friend and CONVINCE her to go. She passed on the message, but unfortunately my advice was ignored. She passed away from the cancer. I don’t know if the treatment center would have helped, but I sincerely wanted to try. I don’t know if this will help you, but I know about it, and I wanted to share. I am a huge fan of your work, and I just had to at least tell you about it.

    Again, the link is : http://brainstatetech.com/#

    I wish you the best in your battle.

    Sincerely
    Anthony Lee

  869. I am in awe of your forthrightness and bravery. If you were my comic hero yesterday, you are my poster child for hopefulness today.

    All of our arms are open to hug you, support you, and strengthen you. We are not here to judge you…..as anything less that heroic.

    Thank you for being so open with us, your loyal minions.

  870. I survived breast cancer and I am in complete awe of you. I’m making a donation to To Write Love On Her Arm in your name and in memory of my cousin Charlotte, who was not nearly as strong as you.

    You *should* be proud.

  871. I’m usually just a quiet background lurker here but I had to say something in response to this – I guess I just want to send you love and good vibes, you and everyone who identifies with this. Thank you for writing about this, thank you for being a voice for this. Keep fighting. We are not alone!

  872. I’m proud of you for being so open and honest. I dealt with the same things- depression, anxiety, self-harm. I haven’t hurt myself in 2.5 years. There’s hope for you yet. You can get through this.

  873. Having battled depression from a very young age, I certainly understand and thank you for dispelling the stigma. I am hoping to start a family this year and I’m terrified of postpartum or just struggling through typical depression with a child to look after. I don’t know how to take care of another human being when I can’t get myself out of bed. As is the case for you, my bouts are seldom, but come at me full force. I’m just getting back on my feet and trying to stay there with some rocky changes at work; glad you’re also mending. Love to you and know we all have your back as you head off to war.

  874. Thank you for being so brave, to share your struggle with all of us. Just reading your moving post, has given me the toe-hold I needed today top hoist myself further out of the hole. I am so grateful.

  875. Jenny-
    Congratulations for overcoming this latest bout of depression. It takes a brave person to admit it when things are not right. Because of your words, people who have similar problems to you will no longer feel alone.
    Bravo! And (((hugs))) Don’t forget your fans as your support system as well. We are also here for you. 😉

  876. You are amazing woman, thank you so much for talking about your depression and everything you go through because of it. Thanks to people like you, people with depression are learning that it is NOT something to be ashamed of, and people who aren’t familiar with it are learning more about it. I love that you are opening people’s worlds this way. Thank you so much for giving of yourself this way.

  877. Jenny, you are amazing. Thank you for all the laughs and for inspiring me. Go on being your honest self. We love you.

  878. Thank you- keep writing- and congratulations on your accomplishment! I’ve excitedly just passed my 9 year anniversary since the last round of self-harm, and I still remember the days when it was a minute-to-minute battle. Having a few close friends around me who did celebrate my “remission” at the time (and still do) helped so much. So keep celebrating it! Blessings on your journey.

  879. Thanks so much for this post. It so aptly describes what it is like to fight the disease… a disease that most don’t even acknowledge as such. They just think you’re sad or bummed out. I don’t often talk about my struggles because people just don’t understand and are unable to help. Even my husband doesn’t know the number of times he’s almost been made a widower. Congrats on your latest win!!! Every win is one step closer to the ultimate win!

  881. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, painful, wonderful, honest words always. I couldn’t love you more.

  882. Echoing many others….you are an inspiration, and you are still the same person to me too. ((((Hugs)))))

  883. It still says “love” in scar form on my arm. I totally get where you’re coming from. And I know full well it doesn’t change who a person really is. You’re the same to me for what it’s worth from a huge fan.

  884. Thank you for your words. I feel enlightened through this connection. Ironically we live in a time when we’re bombarded with reality that isn’t real, virtual intimacy and a 24/7 need to be wired into the flow or we’ll be left behind… I don’t think it’s exactly what Wordsworth had in mind… but at times I do feel that “the world is too much with us.” I think that creating the boundaries and aligning ourselves with what we need – not just to survive, but thrive- is a huge challenge (and comes with no instruction manual). I also feel that people who are extroverted, sparkly, creative and intuitive can experience depression differently and people will never notice if there’s a crack in the hard candy shell on the outside.

    Thanks for your courage… and your light. Shine on!
    L

  885. You ARE a survivor, and I have said the same thing — that we are fighting for life every bit as much as people with cancer are. You are giving credit where credit is due — you! Go, You! Wear a godamned ribbon, wear them all — wear medals — lots of medals.
    Thank you.

  886. I can relate. Unfortunately for me I’ve never met someone in person who I can relate with…in all my 32 years. And the one person who would tell me that I’m ok and that i’m still the same person to them died in November of 2010. You have no idea how much your blogs have helped me this past year. Thank you.

  887. Thank you. I’m in the process of leaving a 19 year, verbally abusive marriage. I’m getting help for PTSD. My self harm impulse finally culminated in permanent scars. And while I am sorry you understand, there is so much comfort in knowing I’m not alone. Thank you.

  888. I’ve never commented before, but I wanted to post today and tell you that I think you are brave. And strong. Probably braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for … those are the qualities your daughter will see when she’s old enough to understand what you’ve been through. And those are only a few of the qualities that all your loyal readers love about you.

    Stay strong.

  889. Nicely written…I felt like you were telling my story, which shows how common and familiar this awful disease can be. I have fought depression fiercely for a decade and have let it take a few pieces of me away. I recently found the strength, where – I have no idea – to take control of my life. I made enormous changes including eliminating all negative influences in my life, looking after my food intake, exercising regularly, and getting to know myself again. I am a new woman and now realize how strong and able I am to stand on my own two feet. I am still on a mild medication; the difference now is that I think there might be a time when I will no longer need it. I guess that what I am trying to say is that there is light, and it is magnificent.

  891. Thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it, strong enough to come through it, and smart enough to know that some battles cannot be fought by yourself. My family has a history of depression. I understand… and I know how difficult those dark times can be. Huzzah for finding the light at the other end of the tunnel!

  892. @TheBloggess  i cried when i read your post because i admire the openness and bravery of your heart which i do not have…i cried because i understand the suffering and pain you have to endure in battling this emotionally draining disease!  I feel for you and I wish you well ! Nature has its way of balancing life! It can t rain all the time..

  893. I don’t understand this at all because I have brain damage and see the world as very rosy, due to a head injury. But I love your honesty and how real you are about what you feel. The apostle possibly closest to Jesus was a very “feeling oriented” person. People who open themselves up to deep feelings risk a lot, but they also gain a lot. Love you.

  895. Jenny, I heart you! One of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten was from a friend who read one of your blogs (at my insistence) and told me “Wow, she’s like your alter ego!” Except I’m ridiculously social – call it mania, call it years of searching from solace from loneliness, years of feeling alone in a sea of people, constantly reaching out to just try to touch someone and reassure myself that the people around me are indeed real. I just posted a link to this on my FB page and basically said “Yeah, I’m bipolar, and it sucks – but no one has a clue.” (Except it was way longer than that cuz I ramble like crazy.) I “came out” as crazy. But it’s the good kind of crazy – it has served me well over the years, and it’s made me who I am. For better or for worse. I admire your ability to fight your demons and smile through the darkness. You light up the lives of your readers in so many ways, please never stop.

  897. I’m afraid I haven’t read every comment but I read enough to agree with our great big cry out to you: you are loved, and admired, you have our solidarity, you’ve earned your pride. I’ve dealt with social anxiety and depression for about 13 years and I resent the idea that we’re weak. No one would choose this condition – it makes so very little sense. If everyone knew the strength of takes to wear this big wet blanket, to ignore half my mind, to believe in my own smiles, to carry on through its relentlessness, I hope they’d shrink in the shame of their simple, presumptuous, blessed innocence. My greatest fortune are a husband, sister and friend who don’t judge (how has he gone this whole time with not one comment?!) and are simply patiently there.
    Allison, Meg and Nic F are all stars for saying such great things too. I wish someone would turn your post into an anthem… So, from across the planet: You are so very impressive.

  898. Be so very proud of yourself Jenny, so very proud. Each minute, hour, and day is a positive step. You don’t have to have to extend it out any farther than that. I don’t know if you are a song lyric person but this is from the song “Jacob’s Ladder” (Bruce Hornsby or Huey Lewis) and it helps me through a whole lot of brutal moments:
    “All I want from tomorrow, is to get it better than today. Step by step, one by one, higher and higher. Step by step, rung by rung, climbing Jacob’s Ladder.”

  900. Thankyou. I love you, as much as a stranger on the internet can care (which it turns out is a lot). When there is a silver ribbon, I will wear one.

  901. I can honestly say that I understand far more of the reality of depression because people like you, whose work I enjoy, have found the strength to share something of their fight. Thank you.

    I wish you much celebration in 2012.

  902. Hey, instead of doing self-harm, do you think you can harm some of my enemies instead? I can send a list.

    Keep remembering this, there is no shame in honesty. Only courage.

    Way to be courageous, J.

  903. When people talk about things like depression, it brings it out of the darkness and into a place where people can understand, relate and realize they are not alone. It takes a brave person to post what you did. You may never know who you reached by doing so, but you are helping others just by saying it aloud and sharing.

  904. I don’t care that nobody will ever read this. I just wanted to show my support. I’ve been through some pretty bad times myself, but nowhere near as bad as this sounds. And… My best friend’s dad has some genetic depression thingy. I’m scared that she might have it too. But I’ll be there for her if she does. I’ll always be there for her :3

  911. Okay. This is the post that is going to challenge me to not purge or restrict for three days. Thank you. Love you. Hope to see you in New York xo

  912. I think you’re better for it. We all have our struggles and they’re made more struggly by repressing them and pretending we’re this so-called “normal” that doesn’t actually exist.

    *hugs forever*

  913. I have struggled with depression my whole life. I honestly don’t know how I’ve avoided being put on medication or at least being in consistent therapy. This post made me think not as much about the how, but the why- why won’t I seek proper help? Next time the my personal black monster comes around, I’m coming out swinging instead of retreating into myself, and I’m bringing my husband into my corner so he can help me fight the lies the black monster tells me. (That prick.) Thank you for being brave for so many of us- we’re working to get there with you!

  915. Oh, sister, I’ve been there, including the cutting. It is scary, especially when the family starts to notice the harm and you can only blame it so many times on the cat. You did a beautiful thing today in sharing your story. I believe it will help many people who are in the same boat as we are. Continue being brave, open and do be kind to yourself.

  916. Dear Bloggess–
    I shared this on my Facebook page, mentioning my own struggles with depression/anxiety. THANK YOU for this post. It will help so many people.

    Where there’s life, there’s hope.
    xo

  917. Jenny, I’m not even going to try to read 858 comments. I”m sure most of them say what I’m going to say. Thank you for your honesty, courage and willingness to bring this illness into the open. I was diagnosed with depression for the first time when I was 15 years old – I’m coming up on 60. I have battled the disease in alone, in therapy, with drugs, in secret and in the open. I have learned it is a 3-fold diesease in that it affects mind, body and spirit. I’ve learned what to do and when I need to call for help. I’ve stopped hurting myself. I embrace my tears and my strengths.
    As you step out of the darkness into the light, embrace all the parts of you. Hold fast to your hopes and dreams. Your daughter will see your strength and emulate it. I promise.

  918. I so appreciate your honesty, because I know how hard it is to go through times like this. Been there, done that. It really makes me wish I would have written about it at the time or been a little more open and honest with those around me as it was happening. Instead I held it within, only sharing my feelings with my husband, who felt buried in my depression. Thank you for being so courageous and sharing!

  919. To you, I stand, applaud, and then wildly pump my fist in the air while cheering for you. There is NO shame in what you go through. It requires courage, strength and support. There may not be ribbons and bumper stickers, but who needs em anyway?! You’ve got us. You’ve got your family, your friends. Never forget the immense love that comes to you from the community you’ve created around you.
    Stand tall my friend. Stand tall.

  921. Thank you so much for writing this. I’m a self-injury survivor (haven’t cut in… four years?) and it’s so hard to remember sometimes that other people have this same struggle going on in their brains. Especially when your friends and family are trying to be supportive but are at a loss as to what to say.

    Every time you post about mental health here, it makes it feel a little easier for me to be open about my mental health. I’ve only “come out” as a self-injurer to a few people, but this has just reminded me how important it is to tell people: I self-harmed for years, and I still want to sometimes, but all my scars are old and I’m staying strong. Anyone looking for quitting tips, I’ve got plenty.

    God, just, thank you, Jenny. Thank you. Thank you so much. I really hope I get to meet you at BlogHer and we can just hug it out. Also I am totally in support of silver ribbons. Let’s do it.

  922. Thanks, Jenny. I’ve been there, done that many years ago. It tries to creep back every now and then, but I’ve learned too much and AM TOO STRONG to let it come back. But you also gave me some words to help someone near and dear going through the same thing. You rock, Bloggess and you will be well!

  923. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety… I thankyou for your honest and real post.
    I also hope to see a sea of silver ribbon wearing people one day.
    I hope for more people to understand and accept.

  926. I don’t do ribbons either, but a silver one I would wear. I’m currently dealing with PPD, which started during this pregnancy (long story as to the cause). When I read stories such as yours, it warms my heart knowing I am not alone (because many times I feel like I am). I’m learning to take one day at a time….I have good days and bad days. I’m glad I found your blog in the middle of my fog. I have really enjoyed reading your work, and I applaud your honesty, rawness, and excellent writing. Chin up, and wear that freakin’ medal with PRIDE! You deserve it!!!

  927. I have been following you some time and its always been interesting and I have admired your strength through your depression. But honestly this blog hit home for me! I have been depressed for many years, since I was a young teen but was never allowed to express it because I had to be happy for my family. I felt so alone and isolated and it was/is terrible. And when I would come out of my states pf severe depression I would try and celebrate but no one would understand. “Well you seemed happy yesterday too why is today so special” my mom would say

    It is nice to know that others feel the way that I do. And even in the darkest of times that others have made it to the other side and so will I.

    Thank you for your words, they help more than you know. I wish you continued strength and courage! You truly are inspiring. To know that I am not alone in this feeling is helpful

  929. Yeah, I didn’t think you would publish my previous comment – too much searing truth, not enough ego-stroking.

  930. I love this post. I want to share a link to a blog I read that did a thing recently about depression that I just loved. Not sure what the rules are for sharing links on here, feel free to delete this is it isn’t allowed, but really go there first, you won’t regret it. If anything, she is really funny too.
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

  932. Jenny, my exGF and I met you in Houston @ Georgia’s stop in town. She, my Ex, was beside herself to meet you and so enamored of you, and likely, still is. What I find ironic is that she would never have guessed about your depression without reading this post, and depression is one of the reasons she left me. Though I’ve never been a cutter, nor allowed depression to render me incapable of daily functioning, I do know much of the pain and darkness you speak of and suffer with. For once, I finally allowed someone to see that side of me, to know how depression can ravage one’s emotions. I fully expected support from her but instead I got “you need to see a therapist” and a rather abrupt farewell.
    Without the support of those that love you, possibly combined with the appropriate talk and/or drug therapy, one can plunge deeper. I have had therapy several times in the last thirty years and was diagnosed as Disthymic, but depression is always lurking. You are fortunate to have a loving, supportive spouse.
    I admire you for having the courage to share this, and the fortitude to carry through. If we ever have a reunion of the “No Book Tour” get together in Houston, I hope you come.

  933. It gets better.
    Three days becomes four, and four becomes five. Five turns to a week, a month…suddenly one day you catch yourself feeling cheerful, even beautiful, and you realize you’ve lost count.

  934. If anything, ,this made me love you more. I am so happy that you are getting better. Thank you for your strength in sharing. It takes a lot to put yourself out there like that.

  935. For your own sake, please consider taking this down. If you have a child, anyone could use this against you to take your child.

  936. I have goosebumps after reading your post. It is so powerful what you do on your blog, whether you realize it or not. You inspire me to be more honest and open and crazy (in a 6ft metal chicken way). You are so honest about life as it is. Keep on fighting!

  937. Thank you for being brave enough to write and post this. I’m tired of the stigma I suffer for something I’ve fought all my life, successfully. Whenever people treat me like I’m weak or delicate, I have to think to myself “You couldn’t have handled it, motherfucker. My sickness would wipe the floor with you.” So it’s nice to hear something like this from someone I’m already a big fan of.

  938. YOU CELEBRATE, SISTAH!!!! Pats on the back all around.

    You are my favorite bloggess and this honesty is one of the million zillion reasons why.

    Congrats on coming out of the hole.

  939. Thank you for sharing this. I can relate strongly.

    I shared this on my FaceBook page because I think it’s a post a lot of people should read. I think it will help.

  942. Jenny, I’m one of the MANY who DO understand. My soon to be 12 y/o daughter has autism, anxiety/depression/OCD and crippling sensory integration dysfunction. I DO get your walk. Keep fighting. Don’t listen to the demons of depression. And YES it IS a spiritual battle as well as a biochemical one. Thanks for keeping it real! We NEED YOU!!!

    Hugs, Gigi, mom to a fighter

  943. You are amazing!
    Depression and I have been fighting for years. Sometimes i am her bitch others she is mine, but I never give up.

    Sounds like neither do you. Your amazing and unknowingly going to probably be a voice for this silent and brutal disease.

  946. Thank you for posting this. NOt the flower sending kinda illness..but it SHOULD BE. I’ve been there over and over again…I”m so happy you survived this! For those of us who revisit this semi-often…knowledge is power…keep spreading it!

  947. Bravo Bloggess. Depression runs in my family and I know, too well, it’s horrors. It’s not talked about and it is ghastly. Your post has clearly touched many, myself included. Thank you for sharing.

    Kia kaha (forever strong)

  948. As a family member of someone with similar struggles, I thank you for writing and publishing this. I feel honored that you’ve shared your journey with us.

  949. It’s possible this has already been suggested, but I’m not reading through a billion comments to find out: I bet if you made a silver ribbon for purchase, a whole buncha us would buy it, and we’d start our own glittery, non-verbal battle cry.

  950. Great of you to speak out. I suffer from bouts of depression and have harmed myself in numerous ways from anorexia to cutting. I still do one last thing and consider myself lucky because I am down to one area on my body. My husband doesn’t understand and I have never told anyone else. Thank you for doing so.

  951. I would proudly wear a silver ribbon to help others realized how many of us are out there. It is a much more common thing to have experienced than most people realize. Thank you so much for this post.

  953. I watch my older brother go through depression since he was 9 years old. He barely made it through at times and ended up twice in a psychiatric setting where someone, a blessed angel of a doctor, finally addressed this along with his undiagnosed schizophrenia. My mother is currently being treated for depression after multiple trips to the hospital with the physical symptoms so severe that we didn’t know what to do. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years to manage anxiety and suffered from eating disorder and cutting. It’s very much a silent battle and there’s only small victories before that fear sets in. But I’m so proud of you and your battle to keep going. There are so many people who are suffering from this disease and so little is said. Bless you, bless you and your fight. You have all of us behind you and I know sometimes that’s so very hard to see but we are here for you.

  954. Despite reading someone’s blog for years, one can only know someone as well as the writer decides to let us know her. So, thanks for letting people know you a little better, and I’m glad the fight goes on.

  955. You have made me cry….in anguish for the torment you have endured; ….and with love and admiration….that you have bared your soul to us. You are unselfish, and brave beyond words; and have endeared yourself to many. Now I love and admire Victor even more…God sent you a true companion.

  957. Your bravery for posting this is admirable. I grew up in a home with two mentally-ill parents. It was seldom talked about, and you can bet their good days were certainly never celebrated.

    I honor you, your path, and your commitment to health. Thank you for sharing your journey — it’s powerful!

    I’m cheering for you — with pom poms! xo

  958. It makes me sad that mental disorders are still so shameful to so many. That so many hide it because of the shame others put on it. There is no shame. It is a chemical in your brain that is awry. Is there shame to diabetes, kidney disease, cancer? No. They talk about it, they medicate it. They live with it, cure it, kill it, deal with it. It’s just a body thing and meds are just meds. No different from say….a bad flare up of RA. Right? I wish for the world to see it that way. when I finally figured out that I had ADD (at the age of 25) I cried in relief. A diagnosis! Sadly no easy “fix” though, but I didn’t know that then. At least it was something to label and call out and here are some drugs….unlike all the bloodwork I get back that shows nothing yet my body is fucking with me and no medical professional can label it. And I cry when I get “normal” bloodwork back. I want a label. I embrace the naming of the disease.

    Thank you for being you, for posting, for speaking, for coming out the other side time and again.

  960. Hear fuckin’ hear.

    I can’t get over how strong and amazing you are. I will never understand how hard it is inside your head, but I admire you for what you share.

  961. I’m with Mary. Can’t read all these lovely comments. But I do want to say that I’m thankful for your openness. This is one of the things I hope to find in the blogs I read, stories that lead somewhere, lead to survival or hope or love or knowledge. You just led me to those places. Thank you.

  963. I suffer from dysthymia which is a constant form of depression, I also suffer from anxiety. I have it at a controllable level but I know that screaming darkness well. I may not know you personally, but I am proud of you for this post. Keep yourself well.

  964. Thank you so much for this post. I have never known how to talk to my friends or even my family (most of whom suffer from depression themselves and see me at my worst) about the lowest points and how bad it has really ever gotten for me. I always sugar coat it to make it more “palatable”. Hopefully this is the start of a revolution where we don’t have to feel ashamed as well as depressed. Thank you thank you thank you. May your wonderful words be the guiding light so many of us need to pull through…

  966. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I just watched The Help for the first time and then read this post. Needless to say, I’m crying. I struggled with depression and have been better/cured/stable for 3 years now. It’s so hard to talk about, both when you’re in the midst of the fight and after. Thanks for being a voice for us.

  967. Welcome back survivor. Its funny, we think we are weak when in the darkness, its a lie. We are pretty tough nuts to survive such a struggle to stay alive. Two steps forward one step back is still forward motion. Depression has been on my family for generations. Im here for you.

  968. I have a young adult daughter who is battling depression and anxiety, and I can’t tell you how much your posts have helped me understand, at least a little, what she is going through. Recently I told her that thebloggess says “depression is a lying SOB,” and she really latched onto that idea. Thank you so much for your insight and your help.

    I’m so sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. I hear it gets better — Jenny says so.

  969. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. Keep fighting the fight, you are amazing

  971. Mine is called Lonely. And people think that it’s just about me going out and meeting more people or going to a party or something, as if I can’t think of that myself, as if it is that simple. The darkness is so deep and lies so convincingly I really believe it sometimes. I almost start to trust it as if it knows the real truth and should be in charge of me. It takes everything I have, and sometimes days of darkness, to send a text to someone that the lies are happening. But yes. The darkness lies. It really, really does.

  972. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this and felt you had to do so silently. I met my best friend while he was in the midst of PTSD. He is a marine and marines are tough and will die in pain before sharing that they are hurting. One day, for one brief moment, he let the veil fall off of his eyes and for that one brief second I was luckily present enough to see it and ask if he was ok. He was courageous enough to admit he wasn’t and our new journey began. He is on the light side of things at the moment and ecstatic that he has pushed through. I hope it is permanent, but believe it probably isn’t. I know I love his soul, his heart, his spirit, his strength and if he needs me to go to into battle with him again I will go willingly as many times as I am needed. Jenny, sharing our demons with someone is hard and scary sometimes because of the intensity of the pain, but it is also a gift to be allowed to care for someone when they are at their most vulnerable. If it happens again, be courageous enough to lift that veil and in the meantime find your warriors who will carry their shields for you, you will always be worth it, I promise! And if you need someone who knows how to carry a shield and isn’t afraid to do it, just ask, I will always be here.

  973. I am so proud of you.

    Depression can be hereditary; my older son has a bit of it from me. Happily, he also has a goodly share of his happy-go-lucky father’s genes. He is brilliant, one of the smartest and best-read and best-informed people I have ever met, and in his fourth year of medical school, but the school has not been a good fit for him. Four years of being told he is less than everyone else has beaten him down, and the result has been depression. He only has something like 100 days left (but who’s counting?) until he can leave it behind and move into a setting that suits him better.

    Depression sucks.

  974. Thank you so much for this post. It is so true: We fight with depression but cannot yell if off the rooftops when we experience remission. Yes, I know it well. Also the anxiety when you are well, because you wonder when the Black Dog will swallow you again. I have blogged about it on my blog http://bullybash.wordpress.com/
    Keep up the good fight. I am on your side (with your giant chicken and so many other people around the globe).
    M. x

  976. Thank you for being so honest. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for letting us celebrate with you. I’m in a good place right now… I hope next time I’m not (and who am I kidding, there will be a next time) I think about this and reach out to the people I know love me.

  977. Thank you for being a voice for people that may not have them. And more importantly, thank you for being brave

  979. Thank you for trusting us to share. I knew you were funny and smart – what I didn’t know was how brave. Because sheer bravery it is to HURT like we do every single fucking day and STILL make it through. Still care for ourselves and our families. And not die.

    Thanks for being you. Really. Hugs from one depressed bitch to another. 🙂

  981. And I just listened to that song. Three times. Sobbed. Sent the link off to my friend who is possibly coming out of his year-long depression which has felt like a hammer to the fragile glass of our love/friendship and has been hard to not take personally at times. I hope he listens and gets it.

  982. Jenny, you’re an incredible person. I suffer from Depression and self-harm, as well. The comfort of doing it, even through the pain, gives me a clarity and relief I cannot really explain. It’s not something a lot of people understand, but I don’t fully understand how a computer works or how well…any person works, either. The point is, even if we cannot fully understand something, it doesn’t mean we don’t like it. And we like you, Jenny. I like you. And I find you incredibly brave and your sheer talent and audacity take my breath away. I don’t know much about you, except what you’ve shared here, but even if you never wrote another word, we’d still like YOU.

    You are important. You are not dispensible. You are more than the sum of your parts and if mental illness is a part of you, then that’s okay. You remind me of this quote, Jenny. “A ship in harbor is safe – but that is not what ships were built for.” – Grace Hopper. May your sense of adventure and free spirit always lead you to the truth of who you are, Jenny Lawson. An amazing human being who is deeply honorable, kind and intelligent. Hugs, my girl.

  983. THANK YOU! This is the first post of yours I have read, but I will be reading more. You speak truth I can relate to, and show a kindness of the heart that touches me. THANK YOU for your bravery and honesty. I realize I’m the 963rd person to comment on this post already, I hope that much love and positivity can help carry you through your next low point…

  984. Thank you for your honesty and for your willingness to stand in the truth of how it is for you.
    This kind of reality-check may just make people stop and consider living life with compassion. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
    Keep on keeping on. Things CAN, and WILL, get better.

  985. You will never read this. Maybe someone, after 900+ comments will. But I post it anyway.
    I write a blog that is happy and cheery. Lately I have referred to you because I think you are funny. Maybe I think you are funny because you suffer pain as I do.
    My son is an alcoholic and I blame myself everyday because I took him out of a safe environment, for him, when he was in high school, so I could move across county, leave my husband, and get my degree, the degree my husband didn’t ever want me to get. I feel like I sacrificed my oldest son to get what I wanted.
    Today he and I learned that he is on acedemic probation for his tech school. He was doing so well, for him. He was actually making goals and keeping them. But he is on probation and has missed one deadline to appeal because he left town so he wouldn’t drink and missed the letter. So there you go. Now maybe he is done. And who knows where this will leave him.
    I have this vision where I am grasping onto a rope to save myself from drowning, my head is barely above water. Once I was almost to the shore, but now I am ready to let go.
    I know just how you feel. Nothing ever gets better. Just when you think it’s better, it isn’t better at all. Good luck to you. Glad to see you are on the upswing and hopefully you will keep your head above water.
    I am happy for you that you are seeing progress. Don’t ever feel that we don’t know what it is you might be going through, because we will understand. No one knows this about me, but maybe someday, like you, I’ll be brave enough to blog it.
    Thanks for the inspiration.

  986. Thank you.
    Many of us live with our shouts heard as whispers and our exhaustion looked upon as laziness. Depression is scary to deal with, and even scarier to try to explain to people who don’t ‘get it’.
    Even if many of us are just avatars and pixels in your world always remember that we are a part of your world, and will always be there when you need to talk.
    I wish I had 1/10 of the balls that it took you to post this. It terrifies me just to look at the words I write before I hit the backspace. All the best as you learn and heal.

  987. Thank you sooo much for sharing this. As a newly titled ‘solopreneuress’ I’ve spent the last year putting myself out there to get things started. It was pretty rough at the beginning and I ended up making a few really poor choices.

    I was also getting back on my feet after experiencing about 2 years of major depression (for the second time) along with major life changes and financial difficulties. Not something you want to put out there as marketing material. But I feel the same as you now.

    I’m not a freak, but I do deal with a complex set of challenges every single day that many (even those closest to me) can barely grasp let alone actually help me with. You have great courage to share this and I hope to stay connected as we both go through this journey to better health.

    Jessica

  988. I’m right there with you.
    I’m dealing w/ a mean case of PPD and PPA right now. Regular depression has been a “friend” of mine for a long time. I’m on meds, but it’s a slow road. I self harm, too. I haven’t done so since February. I’m proud of you for bringing it up here and hope that many people can start to understand it. You explained it exactly how I try to—it’s about creating a physical/external pain to soothe the internal pain. Lots of people seem to confuse it with suicide/a suicide attempt.

    Hugs to you. Thank you for putting this out there! xoxo

  989. I forever love your honesty – it always comes at the perfect time! I too suffer from GAD – I fought the diagnosis for a year as each week my therapist peeled me off the ceiling – which I attributed to normal stress. Thankfully I promised myself that this time I would stick with therapy no matter what and have stuck to my promise. Unfortunately (or fortunately – however you want to look at it) it has brought up a lot of crap and with that I also started self mutilation at the “old age” of 39…however, looking over my life of binge eating, and some binge drinking – which I gave up through therapy – I guess cutting myself became my new outlet. My son at 15 was old enough to see the scars though – so it was something that had to be addressed quickly. I am trying to wrap this up very quickly…as I could go on & on. I just want you to know Jenny that I identity so much with your posts – I repost them on my facebook (and often wonder how many of my friends get the significance!) and hope that others get them too!! Thinking about buying some silver ribbon! 🙂

  990. I’m guessing the comments are as beautiful as your post. You are a strong, beautiful being. I admire your strength in sharing, in wanting to be better, in take things day by day to get there. You will beat that bitch depression for once and for all. And we will all be here cheering for you when you do. Today, you certainly won one battle.

  994. The response to this post is absolutely overwhelming! I think you can consider this your “pat on the back”! You have touched …and helped so many people, by speaking out.

  995. I had a feeling. Most amazing people who make differences in others’ lives have something like this going on in their lives. I admire you from all aspects of your life, you’re amazing, and I hope to meet you one day.

    When I was in high school, in 2001, I fell into a depression and sometimes wonder if I ever got out. I’m much, much happier now as I have the ocean near me and I can breathe and become whole, I also have a very dark side to me where I just want to go sit in the graveyard and have some sort of conversation with the dead. I’d like to hold a skeleton’s hand and take pictures of gravestones.

    I often write (in my book & blog), ‘I feel as if the dead pay more mind to me than the alive.’ At least I can have a conversation with the dead and not feel alone. I know that’s more messed up than anything. (Does that mean I’m dead inside? Or are we discussing philosophy and metaphors?)

    I’ve also fallen into hurting myself physically when I’m so emotionally damaged to even myself out. I often thought how that would be a good time to get my ears pierced – when I WANT to feel some pain – as I’m too chicken to do so sober.

    Please get better. <3

  996. Thank you for being brave enough to keep fighting, to keep trying to get better, one of the dearest members of my family has chronic depression, has had it for ten years, constantly says they’ll get treated, but doesn’t, won’t, in case the treatments don’t help. It can be heartbreaking to love someone who has depression, it’s soul destroying when they can’t find the courage to fight it.
    Thank you. Jenny, I hope it gets easier for you to fight it. I hope one day you can feel that first flutter, and have cake or gin and it goes away instead of settling in for a visit.
    Churchill called it his black dog, maybe because it’s like looking after someone else’s large, untrained dog, that craps on the carpet of your mind, leaves black hair and a wet dog smell in your soul and chews on your self esteem. I’m a cat person…

  997. I am proud of you for posting this. It is a Sisyphean struggle, and I pat you on the back and cheer loudly for you. Every day has many small moments of victory.

    You are exactly the same person as before, but I admire you even more than I did before for your honesty. Some of the funny comes from the depths.

    I would hug you if I could.

    Xo

  998. This is the first time I’ve commented on here and I just want to say thank you for saying this. Those of us who suffer from this are often quiet and feel very much alone. This fight of ours is every bit as real as any physical battle and it’s one I fight many, many days, year round.

  999. As someone who has dealt with anxiety problems myself, I can say that the only thing that saved me was meditation. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but I really, really recommend it. Really.

    God bless, and hang in there. It doesn’t matter what happens along the way, it only matters how you turn out in the end. And I suspect you’ll turn out just fine. 🙂

  1001. I said it on Facebook and I’ll say it here…. This is like the cockroach of diseases. You shine enough light on it and the stigma will scatter back to the dark corners. You are amazing.

  1002. I can’t imagine you are going to read all of these lovely comments, but I have to leave one anyway. THANK YOU! I honestly believe that “coming out” with mental illnesses is the next essential “big thing”. I am a runner and see zillions of runners with t-shirts for fighting every kind of health issue imaginable … except for those that reside in brain chemistry. Thanks to courage and honesty like yours I hope to one day to run with my own shirt proudly celebrating successful living in recovery from alcoholism and bioplar disorder. Wishing you a blissful new year…

  1003. With understanding i offer you my love. The love only another survivor can give. The understanding and knowing of what it means to survive the battle within. Others can and will aid you in these battles, but unless they’ve stood on their own battle front and cast down the self destructive versions of themselves, they’ll never know the amazing joy of winning this battle. Any feeling of shame is a lie. It is the depression’s last gasp at bringing you back down. Be joyful in knowing you are a survivor. It will only make you stronger if the battle must be fought again. Be proud because you are brave, you are fierce, you are a Survivor of a battle only you can fight and win.

  1004. You are not alone in your battle – thank God for loving families who support us. I don’t know how I would make it otherwise.

  1005. Congratulations! . . .for having the courage to speak out , for continuing to fight, for being you. Having battled depression in varying degrees for 20 yrs. and eventually learning that it’s likely hereditary, I still won’t say I understand what you’re dealing with, because as we all know, everyone’s “affliction” and methods for dealing with it are different. Keep up the fight and take some strength from the fact that there is a whole army of us out here cheering you and ourselves on!

  1006. I’m dealing with depression right now and your post is what got me to get up and take a shower for the first time in a week. it’s a start I guess.

  1009. Jenny, you are amazing. As someone who struggles every day with anxiety and finds it getting worse, it means so much to hear about your experiences. I take these words as encouragement and I thank you for it!

    For all of those that have commented here that they suffer with GAD too, thank you also – it helps to know there are others like me 🙂

  1010. Holding you in love. You are so brave and amazing. I don’t mean to sound trite. I am dead serious. I follow you but first post. Keep on keeping on.

  1011. What to say the my peers the other commenters have not yet said? Sending warm thoughts your way, people out here in the blogosphere care about you and are cheering you on in your battle against the disease of depression. And thank you for being so brave to step forward with it. You are helping people.

  1013. Thank you for being such an amazing role model. You rock and you are clearly winning. Brave girl.

  1014. Pingback: New Year’s resolve: fighting back the darkness « Living My Social Work

  1015. I hear you. Congratulations on all the work you’ve done — the hard hard work — and please know that I, along with many of your readers, wish you healing and peace.

    Thank you for speaking out about this.

  1016. Thanks Jenny. It’s hard to talk about depression. People who don’t have it don’t get it. Kinda like when you see those commercials about depression medication where they depict depression as like a hole with eyes following you around or that you’re a wind up doll or something. I want to throw something at the TV when I see those stupid commercials… that’s NOT what it’s LIKE!

    I have dysthymia which sucks. It feels like nothing I do can snap me out of it. It is just a part of my personality now – I’m an anti-social, boring, angry person. Every year at my performance review at work, my boss tells me “you’re doing great but you get too angry at things/take things too personally.” Yeah, I have tried everything. I took the anti-depressants. I did therapy (stupid b*tch gave me sh*ttastic advice which f-ed me up even more) Nothing has worked except that I used to be suicidal 2 years ago and now I’m not…. and to be honest the reason I was suicidal 2 years ago was because I got a scary medical diagnosis which has since turned out to be okay.

    Anytime I say something about it, people are just like, shut up and stop raining on my parade. Now I just don’t say anything. I wish that they would listen. So, I appreciate that you are talking about it and just putting it out there that it’s a disease.

  1017. I wish I was as eloquent or witty as you, but you’ll have to settle for short & sweet….Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You make me so proud. Thanks for sharing!

  1018. You are seriously one of the bravest people I don’t know/know. I’m sure it’s scary to you to be you just like it’s scary to me to be me, but you face it and own it and I think you are even more kick ass than I thought 10 minutes ago. Happy 2012.

  1020. I know I’m just one voice out of hundreds and thousands, but I hope you can hear me too. Thank you. Any one that talks about this deserves applause. I try to be as open and honest as I can about my struggle. Sometimes it’s appreciated and sometimes it’s thrown back at me to try and hurt me. Every voice that acknowledges how hard we fight is so important. My battle started as a preteen, as I got older it seemed manageable. Until my 2nd pregnancy, it got really, really bad. Now, 5 years later with 2 beautiful children I’d like to say that I’m fine. But it’s been a long journey. I’m good for a long time and then sometimes I crash. It’s a long journey. But if we keep talking and keep fighting we can help each other to survive, or better! I need to go find myself a battle cry now. Much Love Bloggess.

  1022. I’m ready to buy a shitload of silver ribbons when you get the energy to start selling them.

  1023. Thank you for writing this. My mom and her entire side of the family suffer from depression and it can be truly debilitating. And it pains me that so many people suffer in silence because others make them feel ashamed because they don’t understand just how bad it is. So thank you for being who you are and sharing your story with everyone. I hope that this post helps people who suffer from depression and raises awareness. I will now carry a silver ribbon with me.

  1024. My favorite quote for the next time you are fighting your own dragons at night: “Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” (G. K. Chesterton) I hope you can tell your daughter someday in your own way.

  1028. Thank you for writing about your struggle with depression and with self-harming. It took a lot of courage for you to tell us those things. I hope someday to be able to tell my husband about my own self-harming . . .

  1030. I only recently discovered this blog, but you have quickly become one of my favorite internet people. I chose to comment here because this puts into words some of the things I’ve struggled with. I used to self-harm as a teenager, and while I can thankfully say it’s been years since I’ve actually done anything, it definitely hasn’t been years since I’ve had the urge to, and it never gets easier when I do feel that way. I hope you keep fighting and conquering.

  1031. I’m glad you posted this. Your words make me giggle on an almost daily basis. I wish for you to have the strength to face this fight, and the knowledge that there are thousands of people out in the world who care about you and are cheering you on. Stay strong 🙂

  1032. Can you feel that pat on your back? I laud your bravery. I’m so proud of you for not only fighting, but choosing to share in a way that can help others, too. As I’m sure you know (it looks like I’ll be around comment #1006), we care about you and what you are going through, and for those of us who suffer with depression and/or anxiety to one degree or another, we get it. Thank you so much for helping to take the stigma off of mental illness by sharing with the world. I hope you feel the love and appreciation coming your way.

  1034. Amazing, brave, incredible woman. I’m a self-harmer too and cannot imagine the bravery it took for you to share that as you did. I hope to find much better self-soothing techniques in the future. In the meantime, I feel lucky to discover that I’m not alone on the planet. Love to you.

  1035. You impress me in new ways every day. I also suffer from depression, but my particular nightmarish bastard of depression doesn’t go to self harm. At least no so far. I’ve learned not so assume the bastard won’t grow a new limb and start screwing up my life in another way.

    Don’t stop moving. The movement is impossible to see when you are looking at right now or into the future. You can only see the progressive over a span of time from the past to present.

    My progress is always incremental, and so I have to always take the measurements and make sure I’m still moving forward and the bastard is behind me.

    Thank you for bringing the reality of the lonely fight and the lonely success to so many who don’t understand, who want to understand and who need to understand.

  1036. Thank you for being so honest. I hope you can continue on your journey forward. Thank you for being strong for yourself and for your daughter!

  1037. Thank you so much for sharing this you strong, beautiful woman. I have always admired you for your honest discussion of depression but this is not something I was expecting. I’ve struggled with similar demons and I know what it’s like for people to see the scars, to look at you with fear and pity in their eyes. It’s so important to understand that I’m–that we’re not alone. ‘Thank you’ isn’t enough.

  1041. Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how much courage it took to write. I love reading your blog. I laugh and cry with you through your stories. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  1042. Self-harm is a seductive coping mechanism that can backfire. I am glad you are working on it. I am glad you have a support structure. I hope we (your readers and tweeters) can help. I hope you can work on it before your daughter does notice and ask questions. You are not alone. And I hope your mental pain can be eased in other ways, eventually. My best wishes to you, in all seriousness. For such a light-hearted blog, I am proud that you took such a serious step. Kudos.

  1043. That is so brave of you to share such a personal issue. I can’t tell you how much joy and laughter your blog has brought me. I am so happy to have found you on the interwebs. Thank you for that. Happy New Year!

  1044. I can’t tell you how glad I am that people like you are speaking up about struggles with depression. This post and the recent one by Ali of Hyperbole and a Half have opened up a lot of dialog on the topic. I think many of us who suffer compensate by being funny, and while laughter may be the best medicine at times, it’s important for others to realize that just because you have a sense of humor doesn’t mean you’re happy all the time.

  1045. Just adding another note in this symphony of support. I’m the one who picks up the baton when my son can’t carry it himself. I celebrate every time he finds his way out of the dark. Nothing is more terrifying than the possibility that he won’t. Keep fighting!

  1047. I’m in awe of how eloquently you described everything I’ve felt but never been able to put into words for others to understand. I’ve read your blog for a long time (LOVE it, BTW!!!) and this is my first post. THANK YOU, Jenny, for bringing laughter to me – and also hope.

  1049. I love you, Jenny, and am constantly amazed at your bravery. Reading about your struggles helps me keep going because you understand where I am. Just knowing that there’s somebody else out there who knows how I feel helps me put my shoes on in the morning. Thanks for fighting. It makes me stronger.

  1050. I will celebrate with you. I fought depression for years, basically alone for all the reasons you gave. I totally get all of what you are saying.

  1051. Thank you so much for sharing, because your story resonates so much. You are amazing.

  1052. Okay, I know there is no way you are going to read over 1000 comments. I really think what you said here is important. I haven’t found another way to contact you, so I’m asking permission … actually I’m kind telling you I’ve already done it … to reprint this post on my blog. I have given you full credit and linked back to your site, so I think I’ve covered my bases. If however, you should come across it and would rather I take it down, please let me know.

  1054. I also have depression. I discovered that much of it is induced by certain foods (for me those foods are sugar, soy, dairy, and some others). By taking those foods out of my diet my hormones don’t go into that freaky, self-destructive place. It makes me nervous that my life hung in the balance due to eating candy bars. I am incredibly grateful I found out before it was too late.

    And I wonder how many other people out there are depressed because the foods they eat are disrupting their moods.

  1057. We celebrate this in our house! Although the woman in this house who emerges isn’t the same…she is stronger, she has earned another weapon for battle. Many hearts of support being sent from our house to yours!

  1059. Here’s a virtual pat on the back from me. I’m so glad that you’re battling this and are getting help. For you, your daughter, and all of us. You are a beacon in the darkness.
    Rene

  1060. Oh sweet, sweet darling. Thank you for posting this and every single word you write. I am so glad to know you through your blog and to read both your funny days and your dark days. You are a treasure!

  1061. Thank you.
    Your post made me want to break down and cry at remembering the battles, but the sentiment was so strong that it held back the tears! I put my family through hell going through something they didn’t understand. I hope one day, from people like you sharing just like this, that others will understand it a little more. You are amazing. Properly. Your daughter is lucky to have such an inspirational mom. X

  1062. I was almost 21 before I realized that other people struggle with depression and anxiety the way I do. Now I work with kids who struggle with it on horseback every day. It’s therapy for both me and the kid, but the horse does most of the work. It is absolutely remarkable that you have used this forum in order to be honest. We have a problem in our society about accepting people who struggle with mental illness. Somewhere along the road some idiot decided it was better to let us all suffer in silence than to stand tall. I stand tall in my struggle with depression and anxiety alongside you and this amazing global community we’ve got here. This is an illness that takes lives–let’s fight to put an end to that.

    Off to make a silver ribbon.

  1063. Your willingness and bravey in sharing are inspirational. It’s amazing finding out what others are going through because you aren’t let in, or wouldn’t expect, suspect that that person was battling as well. Thank you.

  1065. Congratulations! It is so hard to talk about because it can make you revisit the battle. Hard to read because I know how much it hurts. Well done! I don’t talk about my battle on my blog because that little piece of Internet is my happy place. Not where I pretend everything is alright, but where I go for everything to be alright. Thanks for putting yourself out there I think the comments here mean it is really appreciated.

  1067. I wanted to come up with something clever to say. What I’m going to say is this – I’ve suffered from depression since I was about 13 years old. I’ve done a lot of self destructive things over the years – things that even now make me wonder how I’m still alive today. This year was a particularly challenging one for me (for the first time I spiraled down so far that I couldn’t pull myself out of my depression without meds) and one of the things that helped me survive it was this website. You make me laugh. Actually, you’ve made me laugh so hard that I’ve snorted soda out my nose, inhaled it into my lungs and nearly choked to death from it. Thank you for that.

    People who don’t understand depression have no idea how dark the world can become to those of us who struggle with it. But from one warrior to another, I want to say that I’m proud of you. You’ve found a way to laugh at life and that’s no easy feat. Stay strong. Keep on fighting.

  1068. this is the single BEST description of what it feels like to be in throws of depression and the feeling you have once you have clawed your way out of your self dug sink hole. I have tried for years to explain it to people… why I have no control when it happens, why its not as easy as just “getting over it” or being more “grateful.” Thank you for this. For not being ashamed or silent when the rest of us are. I am off to the store to buy silver ribbon as a reminder that I am not alone… and neither are you!

  1069. Jenny to be vunerable,exposed and honest is the most attractive trait one can have. It really cuts through the shit, People try to pretty it so others don’t freak out AND WE TRY TO PROTECT. Through your voice and your ability to reach a mass that many of us cannot you are doing a great service to woman and mankind.
    I can assume that the shame comes from ignorance and really bad movies…….
    I have experienced this with my depression and impacted with being oh god, gay.
    I suffered too many years fighting taking meds. My experience with meds was watching family medicate and never really deal with their demons. I wanted to do it on my own………So stupid and so many years of pain.
    We are all unique indiviguals. No two of us are alike and thank God. I do not want to be anybody else I just needed to accept that I would and do handle things different. I am normal……..I am extraordinary…..I am at peace with myself that I am a good person and I deserve to be so. The battles come like you said by that inner voice. It is STRONG AND LOUD. I listen to it and then I speak louder and stronger. I am able to connect the triggers and know that they will always be. The fact that today I can loose it and then step back and realize the situation or trigger that has surfaced. Put a voice to it and assure those that are close to me understand it is not anything they have done and thank them for standing by myside.
    Peace and Love to you this New Year and Thank you.

  1070. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for somehow putting into words what happens to all of us. I’ve often tried and never succeeded in writing about it so eloquently. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how dark it gets, there is always someone out there fighting the same darkness, and that ultimately I’m not alone. Thank you for that. You’re one cool ass chick.

  1071. Jenny, you are loved for your honesty just as much as you are loved for your ability to make us laugh. You are a remarkably strong and brave person and you deserve to win this fight. I feel certain that you will.

  1072. I almost never comment, and until this evening, I’d certainly never thought to try and write an email to someone like you (anxiety disorders can extend beyond even a computer screen), Ms. Jenny, but I did so, twice (technically three times, with my reply, but eh). It seems that, for tonight at least, every piece I’ve read to catch up on your work, has spoken to me in some way.
    I’d like to thank you (again) for your writing, but more then that, I’d like to thank you for your courage, and encouragement. Both my mother, and I, suffer(ed) from depression to one extent or another. We both self-harmed in some way. She was anorexic, it was an unspoken family “secret”, I was a cutter. In my heart, I know her anorexia contributed to the complications that resulted from her M.S. It’s been a good long while since I cut myself, but it’s something I fight more often then I’d like.
    There is so much about this disease, and that’s what it is, that people don’t understand, even those of us afflicted, don’t. Many don’t realize that “self-harm” can be, and is, a relative term, and doesn’t have to be a truly physical manifistation. Nor do we, as a people, understand all of the reasons why we, or they, (depending on what side you’re on), do this. Yes, focusing on the physical pain, instead of the mental pain, is a large part for most of us, but there’s also that part about having something that we can truly control. Because, along with many other things, depression steals your feeling of being truly in control of your life in any real way, that to, is one of it’s many lies.
    Again, thank you for sharing this, and so much more about your life. You touch people, probably more then you realize, in a very real (and non-predatory way ;). You make us feel safe to discuss these things, and give us a safe place to do so. We are all indebted to you, and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to express just how much.
    With sincerest gratitude,
    Elizabeth Larlham Oala

  1073. Dear Jenny,
    That took a lot of courage and must have been very difficult, yet liberating, to admit in such a public way. You made me cry, like full on body shaking weeping. I too have semi-regular, terribly inconvenient bouts of depression; unfortunately, it runs in my family… my sister is bi-polar, and our father committed suicide a few years ago. I lie about how he died. At first I told a few close friends, but their reactions were so clearly uncomfortable that now I usually just lie and say he had a heart attack. I’m going to tell the truth from here on out, because of what you said here today. There is only shame in mental illness when we allow it to be shameful… obviously, it’s not exactly something we’re proud of per se, but I refuse to be ashamed any more. Fuck ’em if they can’t handle the truth…
    Thanks so much,
    Star

  1074. Thank you for sharing and being honest. I, too, suffer from depression and very few people understand what we go through on a daily basis. Take care of yourself.

  1075. You are very brave for writing this and sharing it with the world. I’ve suffered from depression for many years and I know how scary it is to even admit that something is wrong.
    I just wish that there was even half as much attention paid to promoting awareness for mental health issues as there is for breast cancer. Breast cancer awareness is important, but it’s EVERYWHERE. Some of that attention should be given to other issues as well.

  1076. You fucking ripped me open. This is my battle. Honey, it’s been three years since I self harmed and Im just leveling out, though not out of a huge nose dive with my Bipolar Disorder. You are never alone even though we are unable to speak during these times. I am so glad someone showed me your blog. Thank you for your heart ripping honesty

  1077. oh, sweet girl, thank you so very much for sharing this. you are making it okay for all of us to share. we love you. God bless you.

  1078. I’ve talked some about my battle with depression… but talking about self-harm has been almost impossible. It’s baring too much, and to use a depression cliche, it always feels like no one will understand. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for helping me feel less alone.

  1079. So, here’s the deal. You have spoken words that have been written on my heart. Thank you from a silver ribbon sister.

  1080. Thank you. You’ve made me feel better about spending the evening putting together a chair from Ikea, rather than facing something I don’t want to face.

    Now I’m going to face it.

  1081. Jenny,
    It makes such a huge difference to hear that someone I respect and admire so much has the strength to admit that they suffer from the same things I myself battle on a yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. I sometimes feel that its just not worth fighting anymore, I am so tired of trying. I have come close to losing that battle more times than i care to admit or confide to most people. The last time was not so long ago, I’m on meds that seem to be helping at least take the sharpest edges off. I try to remember the words of Winston Churchill: “Never, never, never, give up”. Make no mistake it is a battle each and every day. Though, I know you know that.
    Jenny, thank you for not being ashamed to admit that you struggle with the same things so many of us do. Others have already said this, but let me say again that so many people are rooting for you and are wishing you the very best thoughts.
    I suffer from crippling anxiety and depression, but as Albert Camus said ” There is no sun without shadow and it is essential to know the night”. I think those of us, the wild and lonely ones, can see more beauty in the world when we are back from the undertow of depression and anxiety etc. because we have seen the darkness, whether it was once, or a reoccurring nightmare, and lived to tell the tale.
    So, once again, quite simply thank you for validating us.

  1082. I understand depression very well…. I have been dealing with it since I was about 10 years old, and when you are that age, diagnoising it isnt always easy. I am nearly 30 now, and know my symptoms and am lucky enough to tell them as soon as they occur and either try to avoid those things that are causing it, or go back on medication….. I do not hide my depression, I use it as a teaching tool whenever possible, because when others know that I have it, they seem to be easier to talk to afterwards….Ive been in Emergency Medicine for 10 years now, and talking about it with my patients helps them see that even those who are there to help them sometimes need help themselves. Its not easy to ask for help, or even know you need it, but when you do, and you get the help you need, it is like a huge weight ist lifted off of your shoulders and you feel like you can take on anything!
    I am glad you are able to know your triggers…… because, unlike recent events that unfolded in Mt. Rainer National Park in Washington State this week, someone couldnt see what that poor guy needed, and he in turn not only hurt four people and killed another, but now his child will never know their father.

  1084. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! So many of us struggle in silence. So proud of you for sharing.

  1085. Thank you for posting this and sharing. Its refreshing to hear some of my thoughts and feelings coming from someone else. Thank you!!

  1086. I’ll echo another Thank You with the masses – thank you for being brave enough to write about this. From someone who was once told by a close friend and co-worker, “Everything about you is just too sad right now. I don’t want to deal with it. Just let me know when you’re happy again,” I needed this. And I’m sharing it because I’m not the only one I know who needs to read it.

  1089. I’m bipolar. Depression is my main struggle. But often times I feel everything all scrunched up at once. Thanks for posting this … it makes depression seem more real, like something we just can’t dance our way out of. I’m tired of hearing about how we should just snap out of it, or dance out of it, think positive. I’m also tired of hearing about how meds are some dystopian form of mind control. Thank you for your honesty, and your courage.

  1091. You are so brave. My anxiety disorder is very mild and well-controlled, and yet almost no one in my life knows about it because I’m afraid of how they will react if they did. (Which I know is ridiculous, but it’s how I feel nonetheless.) Thank god there are people like you who know what to say when the rest of us can’t find the words.

    Keep fighting and stay strong. And give yourself a big pat on the back for this post. Sending you a big hug from Chicago.

  1092. [trigger warning] I can’t possibly say anything more that hasn’t already been said, but thank you for posting this. I “came out” to my family about my depression yesterday and it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m 25 (nearly 26) and have been struggling with depression and anxiety off and on since I was 21. My worst year was 2010, when I lived in a foreign country, and had to quit my job and move back to the US (and back in with my parents) because I couldn’t go a day without thinking about how I could kill myself to get out of the situation I was in.

    I came home and basically took six months off of life – allowing myself to set and test my limits in the safe environment of my hometown, learning about my panic attacks, and learning about my own disordered mind. As a result, I am coming out of the labyrinth – I still have my bad days, but I have more days with a happy disposition than any others. It’s a tightrope balancing act (one that fell apart during the holidays, but I am picking things back up!), and it will never be over, but it is oh so helpful to know I am not alone. Cheers, Jenny, for your bravery.

  1093. thank you so much…I’m struggling a lot right now, kind of have been off and on my whole life, and it’s so wonderful to read someone being honest. I feel so alone (even surrounded by people who love me) and it’s…. it’s just so helpful to read that others are struggling, too, and are still people in the world.

  1094. Jenny,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. You are amazingly strong and a true inspiration to me. You are a true hero – for battling, for surviving, and for sharing! Again , thank you!

  1095. Interestly, I have never seen any of your work before – and yet this article found its way to me (thanks fb). You see, I am currently in some of my darkest days… I stupidly went off of my meds 5-6 months ago and now I am in that dark, deep hole. I found comfort in your words. Thank you. Sadly, depression is one of those things you can not share with many – as they will judge you.. especially at work. Maybe one day we will get there. I am back on my meds.. day 4… I look forward to the desire to want to live again.

    Thank you again.

  1096. I own a silver ribbon. Back when I was going through the worst part of my depression, I got it for donating to a mental health cause. I should wear it again.

    What’s harder now is the…dysthymia …the low-grade depression that’s lingered since. Because I’m not teetering on a cliff, it feels even less like a “real” disease. I don’t need to ask for help every night to avoid killing myself. But I’m still fighting so many little battles that it’s exhausting. I don’t want to wear out the people I may need if things get bad again. And I don’t want to look pathetic.

    Thank you for sharing your stories–and sharing so much of your life with us. All the people you’ve brought happiness and belly laughs and snarky joy are cheering for you. And a lot of us are in the same boat…and glad we’re not alone.

  1097. Thank you for your post. I’ve got the scars too. It can be so overwhelmingly exhausting can’t it? Sometimes I just don’t know if I will ever get past it all.

    Anyway, all the very best to you and thank you for sharing your story.

  1098. Your strength and courage never cease to amaze me. All of us fighting this fight need to remember that we’re not alone and it will get better. While I pray for the day this fight isn’t even around to be fought, I know that’s only a pipe dream. Until that miraculous day, we need to be strong like you and speak out. We should not be ashamed that we fight to be happy. Thank you. Thank you for this post, the others you have written about mental illness and all the other obscure hilarious posts that bring a ray of light into the darkness.

  1099. Wow. It takes an almost impossible amount of courage to post something so completely honest. I applaud you – no, more than just applaud. I am jumping on my feet and cheering you on at the top of my lungs. As someone who has watched her father struggle with depression and pain for years, I wish your bravery was duplicated in others – that everyone would know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, that there is great pride and achievement in overcoming the inner demons, even temporarily. Each victory is to be celebrated.
    So you go, Jenny. You are always loved and never alone.

  1100. Hooray for you!! I’m cheering for and with you!!!

    My daughter suffered/suffers from multiple anxiety and impulse disorders, so I know a lot about picking up the torch… and fighting to save a child who seemed hell-bent to kill herself. I believe she would have, too, if we hadn’t been attentive to her 24/7/365 and kept searching for answers and help when nothing was working.

    You are brave and strong and amazing and an example of hope and determination for everyone.

  1102. Thank you for your honesty in discussing your experience with mental illness. The world will be a much better place once the stigma attached to depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, etc. is gone and everyone can look at “mental” illnesses in the same way we look at “physical” illnesses. I’m glad you’re finding the tools – therapy, medication, etc. – that you need to battle this illness. I wish you complete health.

  1103. Firstly, you, ma’am, are fan-damn-tastic. You’re my friggin’ hero because, though your disorders affect you greatly, you still refuse to merely survive, and that is inspiring in a beautiful-sunset, Renaissance Italian art kind of way.

    I don’t suffer from depression, but my boyfriend of three years does, as do several other people I’ve known in my life, including my dad, and I deal with ADHD (and I think I may be a little on the OCD side of things, but have no diagnosis for that). I have witnessed the stigma of mental illness (which sprouts from the overwhelming abyss of ignorance), and have been on the receiving end of some of the misconceptions. Every time someone makes light of someone else’s disorder or talks about “being depressed” or “feeling ADD,” I try to quell the knee-jerk urge to punch them in the squishy bits, instead working to try to better educate them about those disorders and how crippling they can be.

    I laud you for your bravery and honesty in “coming out” about all this. It’s not an easy thing to admit to behaviors you *know* are patently irrational, especially if you’ve been doing them for a long time, hiding them in the dark. And I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that I, personally, still have naught but respect for you. Knowing how hard it is only makes it that more impressive that you still manage to buy taxidermied mongoose-cobra death matches and freak out Bible-thumping travelers with a conversation about God’s unfortunate window-opening antics.

    ‘Cuz seriously: if *you*, with all the stuff you’ve got going on, can manage to be furiously happy anyway, what possible reason could I have to do any less?

  1104. There is a cure that doesn’t involve chemicals. The source of depression is in the mind and the mind’s fixation upon certain patterns of thought. In meditation one has the opportunity to see how the mind creates the experience of reality by using the narrative of the self in space and time as the center of reality, but the narrative of the self in space and time is not the center of reality — it is just a narrative in space and time. To see clearly the context of the ego as it is produced by the mind is to cultivate the possibility of freeing the mind from being dominated of the narrative of the ego; this process is hard to do without meditation.

  1105. My aunt suffered from depression for many years and I’m ashamed to say that my parents made fun of her behind her back for just being cranky all the time because they didn’t have any understanding at all that it is a real thing. Unfortunately that use to be my view of the disease until I grew up and got a mind of my own. I applaud your courage and fight! And mostly your honesty. Without it people like my parents will continue to think that depression is something you can just shake off and get over.

  1106. wordless streams of silver supportive energy. I get it. Thank you for being you.

  1107. I want a silver ribbon. I earned it. But only my husband and my best friend know. Because I was so ashamed that depression happened to me.

  1108. Thank you Jenny. You are so brave, and strong. My current life circumstances don’t allow me to “out” myself regarding my depression, even though I agree that it’s not something that should have to be hidden away in secret. You are doing a service for all people with depression in speaking up – if someone as neat, awesome, accomplished, fun, and COOL as you can have depression then truly ANYONE can. (And it also goes to show that just because someone has depression doesn’t mean they can’t also be bright and capable.) Thanks again. You are a shining star for us all.

  1109. My brand of self-hate is cutting. It’s been 12 years since I last took a razor to my arms (or legs or thumbs or wrists for that matter). It’s incredible that after all this time, the want is still there. It’s immediate control over what you feel, and that is monumental. In bad, bad times I still fantasize about it. A few weeks ago I thought seriously about putting my hand in the garbage disposal. When the thought popped into my head it was my left hand, but I hadn’t made any plans for my wedding ring, so I knew I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t that far gone yet. Odd, really, that such a thing would be comforting. More people self-harm than you think. A thousand comments should be proof enough that you are far from alone. One of the most important things I’ve ever written was a bit on why cutters cut. The response was tremendous and frightening. We don’t talk about these things. We shame ourselves and our loved ones into hiding the evidence of our self-hate and look only to cover up the symptoms, not the cause. I know this was hard to write, and I know the urge to harm is very strong. What you are writing, what you are experiencing is important to many people you will probably never know. Thank you. Peace doesn’t come easily, friend, but I bid it to you. You are not alone.

  1110. You rock! Thanks for posting. You have a lot of balls – they must show by your ankles when you walk. Keep being you, I love it! 🙂

  1111. Thank you so much for posting this. I too am just coming out of a depression and your words really spoke to me. They made me realize that I am not alone in this and that there is someone else out there that understands what it feels like to dig yourself back out into life. Thank you again, I can not express how much I appreciated reading this today – it will help me get through tomorrow.

  1112. Waving my silver ribbon at you. Soldier on, the way gets clearer as you pick up new coping skills. Thank you .

  1114. First thing-Thank you for sharing this. It takes real courage to post something like this. I know, because I’ve written stuff like this and I have yet to work up the courage to publish it. However, you’ve inspired me to share my struggles with others. I help lead a young women’s group for the girls in my high school. For the next few months, we are going to be talking about how all women are good, beautiful, and beloved. Two of my best friends are talking about their struggles with feeling like they are good and beautiful, and it’s my job to talk about how I’ve struggled with feeling loved. This post has inspired me to share a post that I wrote many many months ago with that group of young women. It’s not going to be easy, but you have showed me that it’s possible to open my heart up to people that I might not really know all that well.

    Second thing-I know that you’re not religious, but I’ll be praying for you, because, really, when it comes to depression, we could all use a little extra help, no matter where it comes from.

    You might not ever read this, but that’s okay. I’m feeling a little bit stronger and a little less alone just for having read this. Keep up the good work, and keep on fighting the good fight because I know that there are a whole bunch on this big ol’ Internet who would definitely be worse off without you around.

    Stay strong!

  1115. You are a hero to me! My mom has been fighting her own set of demons for longer than I know and I am NOT ASHAMED of her and I am NOT AMSHAMED of you. I am proud of you both for fighting your way back up from the pits of hell each and every time.
    Maybe I can never fully understand everything you go through and I admit my own weakness sometimes gets me frustrated that I can’t fix it but one thing will never change: I will always be throwing out the life line to my mom, you or anyone else who needs it and doing whatever I can to pull you back out of your head and on to safer ground.
    Good luck in your battles my friend, you will succeed and you are never alone.

  1116. I was googling “things you pick” for a project I’m working on for my classroom. ( I need ideas of pictures of things you can select to make a choice if you have any that would appropriate!) Anyway, YOU were the second option. I do pick you to read, because
    you make me laugh.
    You make me think.
    You make me want to be a better mom for my four year old, Mandela: http://tinyurl.com/mandelasmixtape

    You make me know that I’m not alone when I feel alone. Thank you.

  1117. This post made me cry.. You put into words what I could never explain or express to someone.. Depressions is such a difficult illness .. One that people don’t realize can be as severe as physical diseases… Thank you for writing this.. People with depression have to be there and open with eachother, because unless the individual is battling it themselves, they can’t really understand it.

  1118. so glad you’re in a better spot and keep your chin up. Unfortunately I know all too well what you’re going through.

  1120. Jenny,

    I had a moment of such desperate depression where my wife was just yelling at me about things I didn’t or couldn’t explain to her. And I put the blades to my wrists. Not enough to actually cut and not because I was feeling in the least suicidal, but just enough to feel and to release.

    She sent the cops. Several squads of them came to our apartment and dragged me out in handcuffs much worse and much more painful than any harm I was doing to myself. I was locked up in the psych ward for almost a week.

    And when I finally got home to her and my little four year old anchor, I wasn’t welcomed. Later that night, I was given ultimatums. A few months later of me sleeping on the couch, she kicked me out by threatening to take away my daughter.

    Depression’s an ass. You’re not alone. I’m glad that you have support systems. I’m glad for the support I have. To anyone reading this, carry on.

  1121. I’ve had a couple of really shitty weeks dealing with depression & anxiety, and essentially having my in-laws “disown” me. Not on meds, kind of in a holding pattern. Your post made me realized I’m not alone. The pain one suffers is real – I feel it in my bones. Thank you.

  1122. Thank you for posting this and sharing this part of yourself with us. Depression is a silent illness, but, brave people like you help us all. I applaud you.

  1123. Jenny, I suspect that reading through these comments might be triggering, but I know you get the gist. Like you, I’m chronically ill (with the leftovers of Lyme disease, in my case) and I fight with depression and panic disorder. 2011 was the worst year I’ve ever had, anxiety-wise, and part of me is terrified that it’s only going to get worse. I don’t have much of a support system. They love the hell out of me, but mental illness is totally taboo. Still, I’m holding on to hope and my sense of humor (and your sense of humor).

    You are loved. You are not alone. Glittery silver ribbons, ho!

  1124. Thank you so much for posting this. I too am battling depression. It runs in my family and it hit hard last year. I could see myself slipping away and there wasn’t anything I could do. It was bad enough I should have gone out on a medical leave but i felt I couldn’t because we were already short handed with one of our team out due to cancer. I told my boss that I was diagnosed with depression and he said “So you’re mentally unstable?!”. I didn’t talk to him about it after that. I was the person who was always empathetic but I turned into someone who was emotionally detached. I just COULDN’T care. About anything. Every day is a challenge and I have a wonderful husband who is supportive. So I see light at the end of the tunnel.

    I really enjoy your posts and your honesty. It means a lot.

  1125. Thank you for your honesty, Jenny. I was leaning on you for support long before I knew we shared the battle against RA…and now to know we share the same battles with depression you have given me additional inspiration. Each day I look for a new post and I reread previous posts if there isn’t one. (no pressure to perform intended!)Your humor helps me escape the demons that chase me to and from work, yoga, the grocery store and beyond. I envy your relationship with Victor. I am a middle aged single mom, empty nester and a new grandmom without that special someone to tell me that life wouldn’t be better without me….Your posts that include the sweet endearments from Victor give me hope for my future as well as comfort for you as you fight this damn disease eroding your joints, organs, muscles and soul….Stay strong sweet lady….you are loved, essential and appreciated! Everytime I get an infusion someone always offers me a sympathic comment suggesting I’m a damn hero for getting an IV for 4 hours….I always counter with something like, “It’s not that bad, I could be puking for hours or bedridden and too weak to listen to the radio…It sucks but it can always be worse…and sometimes it is…..I’m seriously grateful that it is me and not my kids…that’s where I get my strength even when they get fed up with my complaints about pain or sick of the tears from the depression…. I bought a little silver chicken charm for my bracelet to remind me of Beyonce..I giggle when I see it!….You don’t know how many times I have read that post and cried with laughter….You have a gift…take whatever damn pills it takes to stay a step ahead of this shit…You are loved!

  1127. you’ve written about your depression before, but this one really hit home. i am one of the silent. i can’t reveal my true self to anyone besides my husband, who has stood beside me through so much.

    i live with depression. every day. sometimes all day every day. often i have long periods of normalcy, that are overshadowed by my constant checking to make sure what i’m really feeling is “normal”, not numb. and while i’ve been on medication for the last 10 years, i still doubt what the medication has done to my creativity, my voice, my soul. on meds, am i really my true self?

    but i know that off my meds i am not who i want to be.

    my depression was diagnosed after i had my daughter. i’m one of those women you read about, who wanted to kill their own infant. i didn’t. but there were days filled with hearing the demons whispering to me to do it. that the baby would be better off. or to kill myself, because my husband and daughter would have a better life without me.

    my daughter is 10 now. she doesn’t know that “there’s something wrong with mommy” because part of living with depression is learning to shut out the demons. to turn away when they start whispering to me. to control my rage, to stimulate my inertia, to keep my body moving when my soul just doesn’t care.

    and you’re right about the fact that we are the silent. there is so much stigma associated with depression – less now but still there. i haven’t been brave enough to come out to my family or my friends – i don’t want to look at them looking and me and wonder what they’re thinking of me. if they’re doubting me, or wondering “is she off her meds today?” i lead a girl scout troop – what would the parents think of a leader who needs drugs to make it through the day? would they trust me with their daughters if they knew?

    so thank you bloggess, for your honesty. and for your courage. you’ve come out to all of us. and maybe this is the start of my coming out myself. not to family yet, or friends, but to a community of anonymous eager readers who support you, like i do. maybe a little courage will rub off.

  1128. As a teen (and into my early twenties), I suffered with undiagnosed depression and was a cutter. I haven’t cut in over a decade and only have a few depressive moments now (getting my B12 levels fixed last year was the best day of my life). I found more hope and support on the internet from people like you than I ever have face to face. It’s where I formed fantastic friendships with strong people who have and are fighting the same fight.

    I am so proud of you for all you have done and am celebrating right beside you. You are amazing, Jenny.

  1129. WOW over 1,000 comments in a matter of hours! Your followers are clearly behind you and you will find support in numbers. I have battled with posting about my struggles with OCD and depression for months, but to see the power it seems to have brought you, and the incredible circle of backers that you have to help and love you, it is quite inspiring as a fellow blogger, and of course as a woman in similar shoes. One day at a time!

  1130. Thank you for talking about your struggle. I’ve been there, too. People really don’t understand. “Why didn’t you apply for that job?” “Well, I’m suicidal, and you can’t convince someone to hire you when you barely think you’re worth the space you take up on the planet.” “But don’t you want that job?” “No. Normal me would have wanted it, but right now I’m working on wanting to eat and breathe.” “I thought you said you were feeling better.” “The sad part is, this IS better.” Glad your treatment plan is helping.

  1132. This was an amazing post. I’ve never commented before but have read and adore every one of your posts- but THIS one… wow. Have you ever read Skin Game by Caroline Kettlewell? It changed my life. The clarity she is able to present, the words she uses to describe… everything… I felt it was written for or by me! Thank you for speaking out, for drawing attention to and saying what so many are ashamed to say but are feeling. I do judge you… I judge you stronger, more honest and simply wonderful and courageous. “… I like to think that every timeI gut it through and survive, I’m reshaping the structure and the chemistry of my thoughts, wearing new paths less tortured and convoluted than the old ones. Every new crisis successfully negotiated and survived inches me that much farther from the event horizon of despair. I have drawn the line, and I am still on this side of it.” –Caroline Kettlewell

  1133. It is good to share. Any kind of mental illness is made to be shameful, but like cancer, it IS an illness.
    I had very very bad anxiety about 10 years ago that took me months of therapy just to function. One thing someone said to me still stayed with me today. YOU NEVER REALLY LOSE THE GROUND YOU GAINED. Meaning each time it happens, as sucky as it is, you learn new coping mechanisms and ways to deal. Youare stronger than you know and funnier than hell. So write about it when you need to and let all these posts help to lift you up again. May your 2012 be depression free!

  1134. this post really moved me. you’ve written about your depression before, but this one really hit home. i am one of the silent. i can’t reveal my true self to anyone besides my husband, who has stood beside me through so much.

    i live with depression. every day. sometimes all day every day. often i have long periods of normalcy, that are overshadowed by my constant checking to make sure what i’m really feeling is “normal”, not numb. and while i’ve been on medication for the last 10 years, i still doubt what the medication has done to my creativity, my voice, my soul. on meds, am i really my true self?

    but i know that off my meds i am not who i want to be.

    my depression was diagnosed after i had my daughter. i’m one of those women you read about, who wanted to kill their own infant. i didn’t. but there were days filled with hearing the demons whispering to me to do it. that the baby would be better off. or to kill myself, because my husband and daughter would have a better life without me.

    my daughter is 10 now. she doesn’t know that “there’s something wrong with mommy” because part of living with depression is learning to shut out the demons. to turn away when they start whispering to me. to control my rage, to stimulate my inertia, to keep my body moving when my soul just doesn’t care.

    and you’re right about the fact that we are the silent. there is so much stigma associated with depression – less now but still there. i haven’t been brave enough to come out to my family or my friends – i don’t want to look at them looking and me and wonder what they’re thinking of me. if they’re doubting me, or wondering “is she off her meds today?” i lead a girl scout troop – what would the parents think of a leader who needs drugs to make it through the day? would they trust me with their daughters if they knew?

    so thank you bloggess, for your honesty. and for your courage. you’ve come out to all of us. and maybe this is the start of my coming out myself. not to family yet, or friends, but to a community of anonymous eager readers who support you, like i do. maybe a little courage will rub off.

  1135. Thanks for being so transparent! Its awesome that you share this with all of us…to remind us all, you; me; everyone…that we are not alone….

  1137. No one knows the weight of the anchor of depression and anxiety and mood disorders unless they live it.

    Life is difficult enough without having those weights around us like Jacob Marley.

    Every day, I try, I work so hard at putting a smile on my face and making a laugh come out of my mouth for my children: it is so damn hard.

    When I open my eyes, I can tell , it’s going to be an uphill battle all day. I want to grab people, shake them by the shoulders, and scream, “DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS LIFE THING IS FOR ME??? DO YOU??”

    It’s incredibly, beyond description hard.

    Just know I hear you.

    And I love you, I think you’re wonderful, and everything good that has happened to you is because your love for the human race comes through.

    You are a miracle.

  1138. i know this because i lived it for so long. i self-harmed because i was always able to tolerate injuries, physical pain, and fight through that so i did that to myself assuming that it would work – simple transferrance – transfer the mental pain that i didn’t understand to physical that i knew how to deal with. but it didn’t help. it didn’t fix me. i finally realized one day that _I_ could fix me, and so i did. i know now that we already have all of the answers. the answers are already inside us. we just need to learn what voice holds the answers and listen to that over the doubting, scathing, untrusting voice of depression. it is a fight, and it is one you/me/we can win.

  1139. My heart breaks for you. We have an in-law with small children who is dealing with crippling depression, alcoholism, and who knows what else. Her family is trying to hide everything from the world, and it’s killing us, watching this happen. God bless you, Jenny, for sharing with us.

  1140. i too have suffered from depression, though it was only mild/moderate and was helped immensely just by cognitive therapy, no medication needed. and i used to self-injure, quite a lot, and i still miss it even though it’s been probably five years since i’ve used it as a coping mechanism. i think it is so fantastic that you were able to come out and tell your story, and i’m sure you have helped more people than you know just by posting this. hang in there <3

  1141. I’ve been a longtime reader and follow you on twitter but I’ve never had the courage to comment before today. This post. This post makes me cry not out of sadness but because you understand. I’ve battled horrible, crushing depression and severe anxiety for a long time now. I have a great support system, a loving husband, a loving daughter, but they don’t fully understand. Like you, I self harm, though I still refuse to admit that to either my husband or my therapist. But i can admit that here because you understand. For what’s its worth, you have a reader for as long as you put yourself out here. And you have my support, always. Thank you.

  1142. Thank you for your honesty. I am glad that there are people out there who can talk about their depression openly and honestly, because the stigma is just too much, sometimes. I struggle with depression too, and every time someone else talks about it, it makes me feel like there’s just one more person out there who knows. The fact that you have such a huge reach makes me happy…the more we talk about it the less stigma it will be. It’s so easy for people who have physical disorders to gain empathy, or support. Why is it that depression and self-harm is so much more taboo than cancer? Because it can be just as devastating.
    Keep surviving. I know you can do it.

    And to all the commenters who also self-harm, or struggle with depression, don’t let it get to you. It fucking lies, and you’re not alone. Don’t let it ever tell you otherwise.

  1143. I have read your blog for such a long time, but rarely post because I have children your age, and am feeing oldish. I am posting tonight for two reasons. First, we drove to the Gulf for a bit of getting warm, and every living soul in Mississippi who has things for sale in their yards has that chicken! Amazing. I got tired of counting at 37, because there was an open package of Combos. Second, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Maybe one more. Thank you. Start my meds tomorrow, a little afraid, but if you can, so can I. I mean it.

  1144. Did not know how real depression was until my husband went through it when he was taking a particular medication and health problem..it was horrible! Best of luck to you..Sincerely, Dori

  1145. Good for you for coming out of the depression closet! If you’ve never read the book A Bright Red Scream by Marilee Strong, I highly recommend you do so. It’s full of stories from people like you (and me). Thanks for sharing this part of yourself with the world.

  1146. You are absolutely the same person to me! You have inspired me through this blog, and all the many ways you connect with those of us who follow you. You are an inspiration! You matter to so many people. I’ve been one of the supporters to the people in my life struggling with depression. I’ve been in the trenches with them. I’ve seen the pain in the eyes of those I care about. Depression is a liar, and anyone fighting this subtle enemy deserves celebrations, and battle songs! Reading your blog always makes me furiously happy! Thank you!

  1147. Wow sister. Thank you. I’m bipolar, have anxiety, and self harm. Family, friends, acquaintances and sometimes strangers ask what’s wrong with my arms, legs and hands – they are deeply scarred and often have multiple wounds, sometimes infected, sometimes still bleeding. I can’t put bandages on all of them. Even when I wear long sleeves and pants in the 110 degree Texas summer I can’t hide my hands. Hurting myself gives me some comfort, some kind of release. The physical pain gives me immediate, intense focus on something real, something I can touch, a clarity that takes me out of my head. It happens most when I’m anxious and manic, but also during depression.
    The depression is crushing. Meds help but the constant need to adjust and try new ones when they stop working is exhausting, time consuming and expensive.
    I’m 46. I’ve faked it so long and so well through extraordinary effort that people are shocked when I tell them some of my truth (I still can’t share it all.) One friend of 25 years told me I wasn’t as crazy as I think I am. Then I told him, for the most part, what my life is really like. He has some empathy now that he knows my truth and he’ll never give up on me.
    I am a food addict and have suffered since I was 16 with food. First anorexia, then bulimia, then just binging. I’m 130 pounds overweight. At my thinnest I was 40 lbs underweight – 5’5″ and 90 lbs.
    But guess what else? I have. Ph.D. I’ve been an executive in fortune 50 companies, I’ve traveled all over the US and to over 25 countries. I have many dear friends, I make friends easily. I’m an artist and some people have purchased my art. I’ve started a business, I do some work for a non-profit. I led a class-action lawsuit against a Fortune 25 company that resulted in thousands of women getting raises, back pay, and promotions.
    I write this ecause Today my head is clear and I write this knowing that the extraordinary effort I’ve put into fighting for the vast majority of days of my life has been and will continue being worth it. Lots of days I want to give up the fight because I’m tired and my illness is a brutal dictator who screams mean and sad lies in my ear. Thankfully my revolution eventually begins again, and I overthrow that fucker every time. Stay strong. There are days I feel like my depression will hold my head underwater forever. Days when my anxiety is so high that I can’t sit still or sleep or stop harming myself. Weeks when I sleep 0-3 hours per day. But I hold tightly to the memory that it has always passed. I hold on to my passport and remember all the adventures. I look at my favorite paintings and hold on to the truth that my art comes from all my emotions – all of them. I try desparately to call or text even one friend. I always hold my promise to my Mom to call her at least once a week. If I can’t do it for myself, I hold on to doing it for her so she doesn’t worry.
    I tell all of you who gave your time reading this – there are a lot of us out there. Sometimes recognizing us is difficult because we good at hiding it and because we look ok when you see us. Those of you who suffer – there are people who get you. There is help. When you’re feeling good, like I do today, find your thing to hold – put it where you can see it, hear it, touch it. Try to find even one person who you can share your truth and hold your hope for you when you can’t do it yourself (for me this is my therapist.) Please.

  1149. I read your blog every day, but I almost never comment, and I am commenting anonymously because I know people who read your blog and I don’t want them to recogize this as coming from me, but I did want to tell you that I completely understand where you are coming from on the shame of having to hide your self-harm. I’ve been a cutter for almost 9 years now. Only about 6 people or so actually know this about me. I haven’t actually cut myself in almost 2 years, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it and/or want to do it almost every single day of my life. I believe being a cutter is like being an alcoholic in that just because you don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean you don’t still have an illness because every alcoholic knows that if they have just one drink they could become a full blown alcoholic and drink themselves into oblivion every night again, so they have to avoid alcohol at all costs. I’m really lucky that I now have a boyfriend that is completely understanding about it and can sit up with me at night if I’m having a particularly bad day and “talk me down from the ledge” so to speak. I’ve been off my depression meds for a few years now because my doctor refuses to prescribe them anymore without me agreeing to see a therapist and I refuse to go see a therapist and admit that I’m weak, because that’s exactly how I feel, weak. Anyways, I just wanted to say I completely understand, and I actually think even higher of you now, because you are brave enough to tell the world what I’ve only been brave enough to tell a handful of people.

  1150. I’m a 45+ yr old who has never had any recognizable signs of depression/anxiety until Life kicked me in the nuts with the death of my single parent 2 yrs ago. Wasn’t so much the death, per se, but the discoveries left behind for me to find that has nearly crushed me.
    I am new to this. I AM a fighter, but I don’t know WHAT I’m fighting and therefore have no battle plan, nor can I afford to get professional help. It is a frightening thing, but I’m somehow fighting on.
    Thank you, Jenny, for putting this out there. I can’t imagine the bravery it must have taken to hit Publish.

  1151. You inspire me so much. Through my worst bouts I’ve depended on the humor and honesty of your blog and you’ve never disappointed. Thank you for being you! And for sharing who you are with all of us.

  1152. You wrote: “…The feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.” I live there, often, too. But when I see you write it, I scream, “NO FAIR!” Us depression survivors need to claim victory and pride. I think this post is beautiful. I really am not the type to cry at blogs, at all, ever, but this one is getting me.

    Yes, you, me, and so many other funny, lovely, brilliant people fight on, learn tricks, conquer. Because our babies or our brothers, sisters, parents, or best friends need us to pass on what we have learned about fighting depression. When I see one of my babies (well, kids and/or teenagers now) start a little anxiety thing or OCD thing I get that mama bear instinct to kick the anxiety’s ass. And I am experienced. So yeah, depression and anxiety, watch out when you go for my kids. I am waiting, with scars and all. Bloggess and me and so many others, we know your tricks and we will win. EVENTUALLY. Love you, Bloggess. SIngle tear. FOR REAL.

  1154. I shared this post on Facebook, where my family and former friends are, I added this message:

    This is a subject very close to me. People have told me, “If you can talk about it, you don’t have a problem.” That’s bull. Why should I suffer in silence to save someone else’s awkward feelings? I’ve been a victim of chronic depression and anxiety for 19 years, now with medication, I feel better than I have in ages. Jenny is an amazing inspiration. Thank you, @TheBloggess.

  1155. Jenny, this is beautiful, and thank you for all the times you’ve shared your personal battles with us. You help a lot of people with both your humor and your openness about your struggles. Depression is truly a lying bastard, and thanks for all the times you’ve reminded me of this. Keep reminding me.

  1156. I’ve been battling one of the worst depressions of my life for the past month, and your post gives me hope. It’s so hard talking about this with anyone who hasn’t been there. Knowing that there are people like you who understand what the battle is about means the world to me. Thank you.

  1158. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. The first panic attack I remember having was at three years old. I not only applaud you for overcoming your own struggles, but admire you for the strength and bravery it takes to encourage other people by example. Just another reason that you’re my ultimate role model. You’re worthwhile to me.

  1160. First, thanks. A million, gazillion times. From the volume of messages you should feel surrounded. In a good way. Maybe supported is a better word choice. Or just downright cherished.
    Second, silver ribbons in your shop soon?
    Or better yet, t-shirts that say Fuck Depression with a large gaudy silver ribbon. OK, maybe without the text…

  1161. I’m excited for you! I dealt with depression off and on for years and it became more important each time to remember that people were fighting the same battle – maybe not right along-side me, but “together alone,” and that many more people would be supportive if they knew what was happening. Now when I start to feel blue I know to take vitamins, do a workout, get some sunshine, visit with friends, etc. All of the things a depressed person doesn’t want to do, basically!

    One of my friends just linked your blog to me but this is definitely a kickass entry to start with the reading. Off I go to catch up! 🙂 Cheers.

  1162. I just began the kind of therapy where I was honest. Not a warrior, not a strong, determined woman, but the real me. After a few months of depression, I finally got real about what was going on and allowed myself to tell the truth: that I didn’t want to get out of bed, that I hated myself, that I would sometimes hurt myself out of anger at being such a loathsome human being and that I screamed out my child in a way that I didn’t want anyone to know. I began using medication and suddenly I felt like the me that I wanted to be. I still feel, I still get sad, I still yell at my kid. Now, I can tackle the small and the big problems. I recognize when I am being hard on myself and get support. My child feels safe around me again.

    What I discovered when I got help is that my daughter has ADHD and my husband has ADD and depression. I feel badly about this sometimes, like somehow we are just a seriously defective family. Regardless, though, we have what we have and we are taking steps to be better. All of us.

    My therapist thinks that I have been depressed for sometime and that I was never diagnosed. I am beginning to think that is true. What I have now, though, is a loving husband who didn’t give up on me and a child who adores me and trusts me to be there for her. My parents, too, have been very supportive. I regret many things I did while I was depressed, that’s just a side effect of the disease. Now I care for myself and have the strength to care for others.

    You are stronger than I am. I can not yet put my name on this post (also because I include my husband’s situation, which he wouldn’t like public). You are a shining light on the lives of so many people. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or try to be that light. You just ARE.

    Thank you for being honest. You raise the bar on being a human. That is hard to do, and I appreciate it.

  1163. I wrote the post I have up right now nearly 3-4 months ago. Then I shared it with The Band…it made me stronger. I share it out loud (as my blog feels) today, despite being in a fog that started a few days ago and will probably continue for awhile. Because as you said, the journey is the lesson…the lesson to fight. The lesson to accept. The lesson to know it’s not going to drag you under…you can breathe, it can hurt, you can make it through. Hard as hell? Yes. Sharing it? Almost worse. Does it make me feel braver, for a second? Stronger for a moment? You bet. Thank YOU for your sharing, for giving me another voice to carry with my own when the background voices tell me I can’t…I shake them off, I listen…”I can. In my way, in my time, without the need for perfection. I CAN.”

  1164. This feelings this post brought for me, put a lump n my throat and tears in my eyes. Your words, wit and blog have give a face to depression and anxiety. You are so amazing!

  1165. Just want to send you tons of love and happy thoughts. You’re amazing! Always remember that. (hugs)

  1166. I come from a line of women who suffer from depression and anxiety…I went through my own first round of major depression in undergrad…the first day I was able to get out of bed and reflect back I decided I was going to become a psychologist to help people get through the toughest times of their lives. Keep up the good fight. Dark days come…but they also go. I used my own hell to help others…you are too. Never underestimate the power your voice has to inspire those teetering on that edge of “nothingness” we that have survived depression know so well.

  1167. I do, too. Rarely, and it’s a stress-coping mechanism, and it’s neither permanent nor really damaging, and …those are all some pretty shitty excuses.

    Thank you for this post. I can only imagine how damn hard it was to write, but it’s a huge reminder that we’re none of us alone. *hug*

  1168. I’m bipolar II (though now they are wondering if it’s caused by electricity issues, like epilepsy, more than anything) but it took years for me to get treated (my grandmother died from ECT, no joke) and I resisted drugs for as long as I could. It took 4.5 days of no sleep and writing all over my parents’ basement wall after breaking up with my bf of 3 years and having a miscarriage (miscarrying literally being from depression) to finally get some help.

    But eventually I switched from Lamictal (which is ok) to Wellbutrin (Buproprion) and it literally changed my life. Also, no matter what drugs, taking them **at night** before bed helps immensely with side effects (even if the drug makes you more awake, this works for some reason!).
    But this newer drug… if you have the kind of depression where its so crippling you cannot work (as I grew older I had few to no manic issues as long as I got adequate sleep, but the depression got worse) then I recommend thinking over Wellbutrin. I am not on very much of it but I went from moody, flighty, unable to have a boyfriend, unable to hold a job, alternating one week in bed with 3 weeks active etc to very well-adjusted person who smiles a lot and literally adores the wonder around her. People who have known me a long time say it’s absolutely remarkable… just needed to fix my brain chemistry! And the chemical changes led me to make positive LIFE changes and now I have my dream job, a whole new circle of friends and all of my negative circumstances have flipped. I am the post-depression success story but I fought so hard for it.

    So, it took awhile to get to that point. I made a silly video about it that I can send if you really do read this and want to see it– it was my thesis in college, about how my mother has let mental issues run rampant and I must learn from her mistakes.

    Lastly, I recommend crunches and dropped-knee girl pushups (done properly) as an adjustment away from any bloody/bruisey self-harm. Hurts so badly but at least you’re glad you did it later.

    Strength vibes from Chicago,
    Marcy

  1169. Thank you for such an honest, heart-wrenching account of an illness so many of us live with alone, in hiding. The world needs to understand how many of us there are, and that we ARE survivors.

    I had the worst depression of the last ten years about six weeks ago. Something about the holidays, plus a recent major relationship change, made me vulnerable and VERY scared. Thankfully it was beaten down quickly, but I can feel it waiting in the wings to lie to me once again. Little bastard!

    Your post reminds me that we are not alone, though we feel so profoundly isolated at times.

  1171. As someone who teeters on the edge of self harm on the darkest days, and has also bordered on anorexia in those same times, I applaud your courage to tell the world your struggles.

    I have never told anyone the depths of the darkness I have fallen into for fear of judgement and lack of understanding. The last thing we want is to seem weak. However, you have shown me that it not weak to admit it in the least. It’s the bravest thing of all.

    Thank you, Jenny. You are the same person to me and you are not alone.
    #silverribbons

  1172. Thank you for sharing so openly. I know that you’re sharing about your own struggle but I also think you’re going to help so many simply by “going first” and sharing your own struggle. You are brave.

  1173. Thank you for your honesty. So many people suffer in silence not knowing that they are not alone. The drain that depression and anxiety takes on those of us who suffer is a bitch. The humor that we develop to cope is the only bright site of the equation. When the fog lifts the humor and perspective we gain is still there. Bask in the glow of the newly acquired energy and keep using that energy to transform the world one person at a time. Keep up the great work and know that you are not alone.

  1174. Wow. So beautifully written. I celebrate you and your achievements, in part because I am in awe of your courage and strength, and in part because I know it’s sometimes impossible for you to even recognize your own beauty, much less celebrate it. You’ve touched a part in me tonight, and helped me to heal just a little more. Thank you for that.

  1175. I don’t have a silver ribbon to wear but I have a silver bracelet. I too battle depression. God bless.

  1176. my mental health professional ditched me today…as near as I can tell for facing some serious things without having a breakdown (amongst other things) She did it over the phone an hour and a half before we were supposed to have an appointment. I too suffer from depression and anxiety … I understand. Thank you for just being here so I could say this.

  1177. I haven’t been able to read through all the comments (damn, we are AWESOME!), but I couldn’t help but think as I was reading….wouldn’t it be great if there was any way all of us could form a giant support group?? Depression and anxiety are so isolating and we obviously have hundreds of people reading this one blog that can all relate. Right now my depression is hibernating, so I would love to be able to reach out to someone (anyone) on here if just to say “yep. I know.”

    So, for anyone reading this who is currently in The Pit……yep. I know.

    (oh, and one more note. For some reason, listening to “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. makes me feel better. I guess it’s hearing Michael Stipe plead to “hold on” that gets me *shrug*)

  1178. Thank you so much for being brave enough to post this. Loving someone who suffers a great deal from clinical depression, your description hit so very close to home. Count me in as a proud member of your movement to remove the stigma from mental illness.

  1179. I am sure by now you are swimming in a sea of comments. If I can add a match to the bonfire, thank you for being so brave and finally hitting ‘publish’ on this post. I don’t know what your demons whisper to you when you are at your darkest, but you are worth it. You deserve happiness. And I would love to be your friend.
    Hugs. If it isn’t weirdly creepy to be sent a hug from a complete stranger .

  1180. This post has motivated me to de-lurk and comment for the first time. I’ve been behind on reading your posts and felt compelled to catch up this evening. So glad I did. I’m so grateful to you for your candor and honesty about your impulse to self-harm. I’m a psychiatrist, and a woman who has suffered from depression and anxiety. I work every day to help others heal from mental illness. The social stigma, secrecy, and shame associated with depression and anxiety only makes the suffering worse. Thank you so much for “coming out” and talking about your own struggles.
    I have quoted the words I read on your blog, “Depression is a lying bastard, life will be brighter again” to my patients, especially the adolescents who don’t have the insight yet to understand that their mood disorder is not who they are as a human being.
    Thank you again and please know that you are helping so many others by being so open about your illness.

  1181. I feel with you. I honor your courage in speaking of “the unspeakable”. I too am a depression survivor–no–thriver. Odd too, I’m a therapist, and think of it as a gift that I give my clients–I truly understand what they go through.
    Blessings to you.

  1182. You just put to voice something that really, really needed to be said, to be shouted loud enough for everyone who doesn’t fucking get it to hear and know.

    Thank you.

  1183. I wish that someone had written this for me 12 years ago.

    I am crying happy tears. For you and your honesty. For me and my shame.

    You will never see this. I’m buried beneath all your adoring fans.

    But I get this.

    And I have a 12 year old son. We have to do right by them.

  1184. Congratulations. I have been where you’ve been, and I know the feeling of being afraid that I’m going to get mired there again. Still, I know that each time its happened, I’ve had more people willing to come in after me and find me in the dark, and help me find my way out. I also know that when one drug has stopped helping, that others are being developed or other, older ones that I’ve not yet tried, may be the answer this time. Look at the size of the community that is there for you, now! It seems like you have such great supports close to you and a huge and growing community of web-friends, all pulling for you. Bask in the warmth, store up the energy! And keep on fighting!!!! <3

  1185. From a mom who fights off of anxiety to another…keep going. Sometimes the going is month to month. Sometimes it is minute to minute. But some day, you will string enough moments together to realize you are so strong. You already are. You always were. You are not these diseases, and yet you are…thanks for sharing. My anxiety will peak and then I have long stretches of good. And then I dive back into it. I try to remember that I CAN come out of it…that helps a ton.

    Be strong. And weak. Be you. It’s enough.

  1186. Thank you for posting this. I know how you feel and as the new year turns I really need to get some help. I’ve tried to keep my chin up, to persevere on my own, to stand strong for my family, but the anxiety, the paranoia, the constant conflict brewing in the depths of my head have become too much to handle.

    Thank you all for reminding me I’m not alone and I can make it through to the other side.

  1187. My husband is bi polar. There are days I laugh and days I cry, but I always think myself blessed for having him in my life. When he has an episode I always tell him, ” I can’t promise you it will get better and I can’t promise you it won’t get worse, but I can promise you I love you and will always be here for you.”
    You are ALL loved, never forget that.

  1188. Oh Jenny, you are a warrior. Bravo sweetheart. I am so proud. And you are NOT alone. Thank you for being a voice for this. Thank you so much.

  1189. Oh Lady, I wish it didn’t have to be so hard for you, but thank you for letting us help. My husband struggles with depression like this, and because I love him it is my struggle too. You are not alone. But this is definitely the illness that nobody wants to TALK about! It’s so lonely! Thank you.

  1191. Thank you for your honesty. Like many others, it hit home for me. Although I’ve mostly stopped self-harming, it wouldn’t take much to send me back so it remains a fight. Thank you for telling me I’m not alone in that fight.

    I know you can see how loved you are, and I hope you feel it too.

  1192. I support the silver ribbon idea. I have a good friend who suffers from depression. I can’t pretend to understand but I feel for her. She’s using meds to help and I’m so glad she is… she was against them for many years… Those who love you feel helpless, too. We want to help but can’t. We want it to be fixable, responsive to sheer will, if possible… but we know it’s not. And that feeling of helplessness makes angry – NOT AT YOU but because we can’t do anything for you… thanks for putting into words what we CAN’T understand but really want to…

  1193. Thank you for sharing this. As someone who struggles with anxiety and some embarrassing manifestations of OCD, it is a comfort to know I am not alone in the fight.

  1194. My mother has depression. My grandmother did. I had a brief bout with it after the birth of my 2nd child. Before my own personal PPD, however, I thought ill things about my mother’s character and her ability to cope.

    After I took my first Prozac, I called her and apologized. Really? No one can TRULY understand it unless they’ve been in it. I used to bite my hand in an effort to keep from doing bad things to my newborn (which never happened, BTW).

    I love this post with everything in me. It’s amazing and expresses it exactly as it should be expressed. We shouldn’t have to be “ashamed” to talk about the illness. The only way to get rid of the stigma is to pretend it doesn’t exist.

    Thank you for this.

  1195. You are so wonderful and wonderfully brave. You are proof that it’s not just outcasts that suffer from this nightmare – its the beautiful, intelligent, hilariously funny, articulate, and heroic girl next door, too. And that’s what you are, Hun, a hero – for talking about this fight and the many other wonderful things you do (like making us all smile and laugh or using your site to help charities).

    Tell yourself that over and over if you have another dark time. Or just reread the hundreds and hundreds of comments from people who love you and respect the hell out of you.

    You’re a hero.

  1196. I just found out my kid has been doing that for 2 years. I don’t understand it and it scares me to death- for her and you and anyone else who struggles with this. I’m getting her help, but will always be scared I suppose. I also wonder how this happened. It’s so foreign to me.
    Thank you for writing this painfully honest piece.

  1197. Jenny, I’m glad you didn’t go away.
    You’re strong and awesome.
    Here for you, whatever you need.

  1198. And just when I thought I couldn’t love, worship and adore you more, Jenny Lawson, you prove me wrong. You aren’t alone. I am (and I think everyone else here is, too) merely a tweet away. And you’ve let others know they have comrades in arms, they can share their stories with people who love them, and they can/will be victorious, too. You are covered in awesome sauce (it tastes a little like a fine wine-slushee). xo

  1199. i’ve been sinking lately. winter darkness, recent break up, and everyone else around me seems so happy.

    i started hurting myself when i was in high school when my anxiety got so bad i physically couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and eventually i had to be hospitalized. it never got that bad again but it gets bad. and there’s always a part of me that is terrified that this is the temporary part, that it’s all going to fall apart again and i’ll just be gone. i’ve been thinking about hurting myself again but i’m fighting so hard to hold out and believe that i can get through this without cutting or burning. i think we all have too many scars already.

    it’s hard not to feel alone when one of the symptoms of your illness is feeling alone, but blogs like this help. Thank you.

  1200. Just… thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am SO glad you saved this til you could find the strength to post it.

    Also, the commenter who said this just touched my heart: “haven’t self-harmed in the traditional sense in a couple of years, but I do it in other ways every day.” I had never thought about it that way, but it’s true in just so many ways for me. Thank you for putting it to words.

  1201. I originally came to your blog to laugh my ass off. And every day, I laugh my ass off. Thank you for this. I need that laughter. Greatly. And every once in a while, I come to your blog and I am humbled. And inspired. Kumbaya sister. Thank you for lighting the way and inspiring me to take control of my emotional and mental health and for always, always, making me laugh.

  1202. You win! Scream this to the world, even if the world doesn’t understand. Find your own battle cry and shout until you are hoarse and grinning so much your cheeks hurt.

    I fight a very similar battle. Mine isn’t mild, but I’ve managed to find ways (medication, therapy, changing lots of things in my environment, leaning HARD on my husband and people who love me) to keep myself safe. Usually. I worry about what my sons will learn from me and what pieces of their childhood will be missing because of my own issues, but I’m doing the best I can. I think watching parents battle and (mostly) win is a powerful thing, so there is good in all of this.

    I would proudly wear a silver ribbon with you. Mental illness is nothing to feel shame about, and shouldn’t be something kept quiet in the dark. We deserve parades. We *are* survivors.

  1203. Me, too, on two counts.
    1) I am dealing with lifelong depression (sometimes bad, sometimes pretty manageable with meds & mindfulness).
    2) I am proud of you.
    Thank you for sharing this.

  1204. Amazing post. Thank you for sending this out to the universe today. It took an immense of bravery to drag something so personal out into the light.

  1205. You are a strong and amazing woman, Bloggess!
    I self-harmed as a teen and later as a young adult in a bad relationship. I don’t deal with stress like a normal person, my body processes it then expels it as rage. So while I mentally felt depressed, I was acting like a raging person. It took a lot to go and ask for help. But I did, 8 months ago only after I found myself one night thinking of leaving my husband and son. It shocked me to be there at that point mentally. It shocked me enough to get the help I needed to be “normal” again.
    My family battles depression and mental illness very deeply, and my only promise to my son was I’d never refuse to get help if I ever realized (or my husband felt) I needed it.

    I’ll make my silver ribbon and I’ll wear it proudly, for where I’ve been, for where you’ve been and because we’ve overcome it and come out better on the other side again!

  1207. Thank you for this post. I’ve been there too, I haven’t self-harmed in a very long time and for that I’m grateful but that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the urge to. I shared your post with someone I know who is dealing with a pretty bad bout of depression, she’s young and has resisted saying she needs help, much less medication. After she read your post, she sent me a text saying “I admit it… I’m depressed and I need help”

    Thank you! You don’t know how much it means to me that your post has touched her in this way. I will be forever grateful to you for this.

  1208. You’ve already won. Even though the dark may come again, you’ve already won. Your courage is amazing.

  1209. So many teenagers in Ottawa, ON Canada have committed suicide over the past few years because of depression and bullying (which led to depression, I’m sure)…one was a first year college student here at Carleton University who was far from home. Everyone’s affected by it now, either by themselves, immediate family, extended family, friends or work colleagues so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re still behind you and love you as much as ever. We’re all together in this, and to those of you who suffer from depression – please let those of us who don’t know what we can do to help, how to be there for you. Many hugs and anothe shoulder for you to lean on, Jenny.

  1210. I regularly battle depression, it comes quietly, usually riding along with other illness to rob me of joy. I tend to be introverted as it is, when depression comes I completely withdraw. I am still learning to recognize it, to ask for help and to fight. I have found a fabulous support system with my doctor and my husband, who through me has come to recognize his own battle. Medicine is the miracle that has made the fight much easier. Congratulations for winning your latest battle and thanks for being so honest and public. People need to understand that brain illness is no more shameful and no less important to recognize than any other chronic and dangerous disease. None of us are alone and we can reach out to others that still need the most help.

  1211. Thank you for writing what most people can’t. I was diagnosed bi-polar at 16. I often refuse to accept it, but I know & if you can write what you did you are doing FINE.

    You are amazingly funny and strong. Don’t you ever forget it.

    Now return to your snarkiness!

  1212. I don’t have to fight this battle personally, but there are people I love who do. I admire you so much for your honesty and strength in dealing with this publicly. You will never know how many people you touch with your courage, not to mention your usual charm, wit and humor. Keep fighting, and we’ll keep fighting to understand. And know what we know: That even though we may help you while you struggle with this demon, there will come a time when you (or someone else) will help us fight our demons. That’s what life and love are all about: Having each others’ backs.

  1213. I started following your blog last year and then found you on twitter. One of the first things I learned was that this fabulously funny woman who had me spitting my drink on my computer screen was suffering from depression. I couldn’t believe that. It blew me away.

    A few months later I was diagnosed with depression myself. I nearly died before I ever knew there was anything wrong with me. I have been fighting this fight for only a few short months, but they have felt like years. I have lost much, but I have gained more. I have learned who my true friends are and who really loves me. I have learned who will be there to help me stand when I get back to my feet each time this knocks me down. And it does knock me down. Hard and with extreme prejudice.

    I don’t know how long I’ll be fighting this. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wake up days hoping to just be “me” again. It hasn’t happened yet and it may never. If not, that is okay. I’ll keep going because I’m a mom and my children need me, because I love my life when I can see it for what it truly is. And because I just won’t let this defeat me, no matter how hard it tries.

    Thank you, again. As much as you didn’t need to suffer through this, I really needed to see this today. Yesterday was a very rough day, and it helps more than I can tell you to know I am not alone in this. Depression is so isolating. I think that is its superpower, where its strength lies… in the ability to separate us from those who would help us stay strong. I’m very glad you have such a wonderful support system. I know I count you among mine.

    My #SilverRibbon http://i39.tinypic.com/2zisww9.jpg

  1214. Jenny, you may never even make it as far down the list as this comment, but if you do…I want you to know that it’s been two days since I had my last drink in an attempt to drown out this year-long depression I’ve been battling. We can do it. All of us.

  1215. You are amazing. And yes, the same as before I read it. We all have our things – ALL OF US. You are brave and lovely and amazing.

  1216. This is amazing. And strong. As someone who has battled demons in the past, I know the stigma that you can feel from it… and how relieved you feel when it’s over… for the moment.
    Always be strong and know that there is a community of people out here that support you. Even when they’ve never met you…

  1217. courage and strength. rolling up the sleeves for the battle against shame. fuck, yes.
    wearing silver ribbons for all of us.

  1219. I have a little sign, about the size of a fortune cookie fortune, taped on my computer at work that says, “Depression and anxiety are lying bastards.” Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t, but everyone dealing with these problems (with or without medication, like me) should have that put somewhere they will see it every day. Even on our good days, we should still remind ourselves of it.
    *hug* Much love to you and all the best wishes in the world.

  1220. A darling friend of mine was hospitalised for a month last year following severe depression and then a complete break-down. She was diagnosed with bi-polar, is taking medication, and seems to be doing well.
    My friend has a blog, and recently took a similar step to yours – announcing her mental health status publicly.
    Speaking out about mental health issues gives strength to those who need it. It is an acknowledgement that no one needs to be alone in their suffering.
    Thank you for adding your voice – by putting your hand in the air, so to speak, you give others hope.
    Cheers.

  1221. Honesty takes strength, though you may feel weakest at the time. Little did you know that your tiny whisper in the night would be loud enough to raise a silver-wearing army to fight alongside you.

    I’ll put on a silver ribbon for you. And for many others.

  1222. Jenny you ballsy bitch.

    Thank you for your honesty. Seriously – see how many people are saying it? This is your gift to others and I KNOW how hard it is to live with this particular struggle and to voice it in a climate where it is still largely understood and there is a strong stigma of crazy about something so sad and mostly invisible. I am really grateful to you and send you virtual hugs because I battle it too.

    BE THE SQUIRREL JENNY 🙂

    Be the squirrel!

  1223. So, I’m crying. A friend just shared this on facebook. I am thinking: I can’t tell anyone at all what is going on in my brain. My friends have heard it all. My husband is too busy with his important life. My grown kid has too much on her plate. My therapist is probably tired of my whining and I’m not due to see her until…

    When I saw your link on FB it was a relief not to feel alone. Here it is a “new year” – this arbitrary point in time that I am supposed to have hope – and, well, you get the idea.

    And frankly, this f*ing drought isn’t helping. Can we please have more rain in Houston? Will you do a rain dance with the cobra and mongoose?

  1224. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your courage and honesty. I too struggle with depression and it helps to know that I am not alone. Hugs to you!

  1225. Mental illness just plain out sucks! I’m FINALLY starting to tell my story about my awful anxiety issues on my site in hopes that it might end up helping someone out there the way that you have helped me. Love you Jenny!

  1226. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia two years ago, and have been hospitalized twice. The first time, I didn’t feel safe and didn’t trust myself to be alone and seeked help. The second I had been off my medication for two weeks, had a mental breakdown after having one of the most trying weeks of my life, I overdosed and had to force myself to call 911 because my father was in the other room.. Screaming that I was a freak, nuts, and how he was kicking me out and all this other terrible that the youngest daughter of a single father doesn’t deserve to hear. Now I just teeter, unable to work but my therapist insisting I won’t get disability.. I worked from the time I was 16 and feel useless not being able to control my own life, school, funding. My hope is for a new therapist and treatment but for now I struggle to get out of bed sometimes. I almost never leave my house other than school. My life isn’t perfect, every day is a struggle to get better. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone. <3
    Gosh I hope this makes sense, typing on an iPhone sucks.

  1227. I, like some of the others, am a long time reader but have never posted. I had to chime in today though and tell you how much I appreciate your post. Depression sucks. It’s been a part of me for what feels like forever and I have ridden the rollercoaster of it up, down and all over the place. As tempting as it is sometimes to give in to it, it pisses me off so much that I can’t let it win. I’m currently in a bad bout of it and am waiting desperately for it to leave as I spend day after day sleeping it off. Your post, your honesty helps so much. I’ve shared your saying about how depression lies. There couldn’t be a better way to describe it.

    I used to run an infant loss support group and would tell the moms there that they were stronger than they knew. And it was truth, it was something I visibly saw in them as they struggled but kept trying month after month. I”m not one for platitudes at all, I like the truth. And the truth is we *are* all stronger than we know. It’s an easier said than believed sort of thing. But, I say the same thing to you Jenny and mean it from the bottom of my heart. You ARE stronger than you know and your strength reaches out to all of us and helps us find our own. Thank you.

  1229. I’ve self-injured since I was 13. I’m 40 now. The last time I cut my 4yo saw my scars & immediately got me band-aids. I haven’t cut since. I also have dysthymia, not fun. I’ll wear my silver ribbon proudy. For all of us quietly surviving.

  1231. I just found this blog. I’m 17 and living with anxiety for about a year now. It’s been the hardest year of my life. For the very first time after reading this I didn’t feel like I was the only one going through this. I don’t feel alone anymore. Thank you for being brave and posting this. If only everyone could accept mental illnesses it would be a lot easier for us living with them.

  1233. I love you. I love your courage. I love your fears.

    I will carry you across a hundred oceans to help you spare yourself these thoughts and fears. Thank you for being alive with us. You lead us on as you do so well — and I’ll shatter my spear upon my shield and roar and shout until the path is clear for us.

    Thank you, Jenny, for all that you do. You do so much.

  1234. I had never heard that Regina Spektor song before, and it made me cry, so thank you for sharing that.

    I’m not sure I would have identified as much with this post before the past year. I was married to someone with a mental illness, but I didn’t think it affected me personally. Until he left me when we had a 10 week-old baby (and a 4 year-old), and I was in the throes of post-partum depression. So, now? Totally different story. I so get this.

    I’m so, so sorry that you have to struggle with this. You don’t deserve it. Nobody does.

  1236. Thank you for being brave enough to write this post! I’ve lived with depression for decades, and like you, I’ve been lucky enough to find therapy and drugs that work. Talking about it–relating to it as a disease rather than as something to be ashamed of–is one of the most important things you can do. If we break a bone, or get a kidney stone, or have a heart attack, we don’t think twice about getting medical help, or about telling our friends about it. Depression should be the same.

  1237. I have been at battle with depression, severe social phobia for quite a long time and I’m mildly obsessive compulsive. Life can be remarkably hard when you are afraid of socializing, I have been on disability (I’m in Canada) for quite some time and I am currently waiting for a space for treatment to open -it can be very frustrating being intelligent enough to know you are being irrational yet not being able to change the dark thoughts in your head. For me even being social online is hard but I’m getting better at it, but I am still prone to purging everything I have done online from existence on occasion. I haven’t met or found any other people quite in the same place as me (31, single, unemployed and no post secondary plus a mess of other things), but it’s somewhat comforting knowing I’m not the only one dealing with the illnesses I have.
    I really hope in the future people won’t have to fear telling people about their mental illness and they will get the support they need. Even in Canada there isn’t that much support but recently people having been sharing their stories of the system failing them so hopefully things will change for the better, I know I’m getting kinda tired of waiting around for the help I need. Thanks for being open about things and being awesome, every little bit helps.

  1238. Jenny, thank you. I’m fighting my own battle, again. And again. I’ll have a silver ribbon, whenever you start stocking them in your store.
    I recently came across this video. The song was written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, and was sung by Johnny Cash in the last year of his life. When Reznor saw the video he said that the song was no longer his; it belonged to Cash. The song is called “Hurt.”

  1239. I heard on the radio the other day 1 in 6 people has/has had depression. Given nearly everyone one I know has at various stages had pretty dark bouts of it I tend to think 4 in 6 are refusing to admit it to themselves and researchers.

    Having been feeling pretty good lately myself (or rather still thinking things suck, but they’re particular rational and understandable things not like those months I spent wrapped in a blanket desperately trying to think let alone move) I get a little put off by the friend who keeps accusing me of being depressed as though it’s a thing I do designed to piss him off. At least I’m well enough to realise he’s being an arse and that he needs to realise I was depressed when we met and will be for several more years and he should just get used to it and help rather than accuse.

    I think the best we can do is to realise we have it and to try not to listen when it tells us we can’t do things etc.

  1240. Thank you for your perspective – and for having the strength to say this all out loud. Your writing brings so much joy to others – truly, it’s been a long time since I laughed as I did when Beyonce arrived on your door step – or maybe it was when your husband whispered threats over proposed towels (people in the airport that day probably thought I was crazy – and it felt so good to laugh like that. I needed it). My respect for you and the battle you endure runs deep – big prayers (and high fives) to you!!!

  1241. You are my hero. Congratulations for having not only survived this round but been able to share your words with us. xoxo

  1242. I love you even more! Your humor has me in tears and this has me cheering for you! Wish I’d met you before I moved from Houston. (Now I am just your creepy stalker in VIrginia.) Keep up the fight. You are off to a great start. 🙂 Can’t wait for my preordered book to come! Love ya, Jenny!!!

  1243. Jenny, I’ve been reading you for years and I think you’re wonderful. I feel like I “get” you, and I know that makes me an internet idiot because all I do is read your blog and I don’t really know you at all. But. I do get this. I get the terror that it’s coming back. That next time you won’t be able to drag yourself up out of the pit. I was depressed for years – the entirety of my teen years and college and the first years of my very poorly chosen (hmmm….connection there?) marriage were all up and down bouts of crying and sleeping and flatness. Then I had my first child and I thought everything in the whole world was a rainbow. Everything was perfect. Then I had my second child a year later and had full blown post-partum psychosis. It took 18 months of Prozac and probably 10 more years of small, tiny, infinitesimal improvement…but I’m better. Totally and completely better. It’s just chemicals – your brain is out to get you now but I am here to tell you it is possible that it can be fixed. It might take some magic combination of meds, therapy and time – I have no idea why I’m better I just know that I am, and if someone had told me that it isn’t necessarily forever that I would have to fight and claw and hold on…if someone had told me it’s possible that there’s an actual good ending where I’m still standing, well I think it would have made a difference to me. So I’m telling you – It can get better. It is possible to climb out of that hole and walk away and not fall in another hole, but just keep walking.
    In the meantime, just know that there are thousands of us that love you, and if you need help pulling yourself up sometimes all you have to do is mention it to us and we’ll do whatever we can to hold on to you till you can keep going.

  1244. Great post! I recently wrote about ‘mental illness stripping down and showing us her stretch marks’ – I’m glad to see I’m not the only one advocating against the stigma of depression.

    You’re a fighter!

  1245. I have been suffering from depression since 1998 and only in the last couple years I have been diagnosed with mild Bi-Polar disorder. I know how you feel but I speak freely with only the people closest to me but to see you post this gives me a good feeling that this taboo topic should and hopefully will be a topic everyone can talk about without shame. I will wear a silver ribbon everyday to show how I feel about Depression. Thank You for this and I know you will get through this. It is a hard battle but it is a battle that can be won.

  1246. Thank you. Someone linked to this entry and I havent read anything else but I felt like you lifted the lid of my brain and peeked inside. I self-harm too and, like you, it isn’t a suicidal tendency but a self-soothing obsession. I have come so far and still have so far to go but now I feel less alone and, Lord knows, that makes all the difference in the world.

  1247. First, I must say you’re marvelous for saying all of this. I would proudly wear that silver ribbon along with you.

    Second, the first step I took in dealing with, surviving, and eventually overcoming my own depression, was simply to own it. It was mine, it really sucked, but it was OK because it was something my body was doing to me and I could get through to the other side. It sounds like you are on that path too. I wish you a safe journey. The other side, when you don’t have to deal with it anymore, is amazing, and well worth the trip.

  1248. Go you! Be proud. Its a long, hard, scary fight. The fact that you are willing to be open about your struggle has made it easier for me to open up about mine. We will keep fighting. We will make it.

    ::goes off to put silver ribbon on her shopping list.

  1249. My husband has fought the battle with depression for many years. He really didn’t understand it until about 6 years ago (we have been married for 22 years). I am so proud of him for his personal growth, his management of it and his approach to how he lets it effect his life. It’s a battle that never ends, but it makes him who he is and l love him so much for who he IS…

    A funny story: he works in a highly-competitive territory sales job. He is extremely competitive by nature, large in stature and some might even say a wee bit physically-intimidating. After a “vigorous verbal interaction” with one of his competitors, the only way the person could respond was “YOU’RE CRAZY”! My husband’s reply?

    “DAMN STRAIGHT, AND I’VE GOT A DOCTOR’S NOTE TO PROVE IT”!

    Thank you for your bravery. I love your blog. Please never stop being you…and always know, people love YOU for it.

  1250. This blog has really made me feel like I’m not alone in my struggle with anxiety and bi-polar. Friends and family don’t know how to deal with me when my moods are all over the place. But you make me feel like I can get up the next day and keep going.

  1251. I’m so proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to fight the battle, and even more to talk openly about it. Thank you for sharing your story and making it easier for the rest of us to share ours and to feel a little less isolated. I wish you the best. ::Hugs::

  1252. thank you. I knew i wasn’t the only one with the depression/strategy for handling the mental pain. But it is so different reading something that describes an experience so similar to my own. thank you for the hope you provide by being brave.

  1253. I’m so glad you are free and open about this. I had depression and have it again and I feel ashamed to talk about it. It’s out there and it needs to be talked about.

  1254. Thank you Jenny. Thank you for putting into words what I can’t. Thanks for making me not feel alone, on those days when things are bad and on days like today, when things are good but like you said filled with silent worry about when they might go bad again. Most of all thank you for brightening my days with your humour that is odd like me.

  1255. At first, I was going to say, “Bravo, to you, for putting this out there, for being so brave, so strong, so real”. Then, I had to scroll for fucking EVER to get to the bottom, to leave my comment of support. And then, I almost didn’t. Because when you are fighting mental illness, even the fighter forgets that, when you’re feeling great, others may not be. And they need to hear it. From one fighter to another, I applaud your strength to post this. And to post it a month later, when you feel “better”, when you had time to diminish it, to edit it to be more palatable. You didn’t, and THAT is what makes you brave.

    When I’m at my worst, I can’t think to write about it much. It’s usually done in hindsight.

    The next time you find yourself struggling for air, remember this. Remember that you are brave and strong, and that, in order to leave a comment, people have to scroll until their fingers hurt, just to let you know how awesome you are-no matter what you are going through.

  1257. Congratulations to both of us, from a fellow survivor. We are champions. We are heroes. Be proud of every accomplishment. We’ve earned it.

  1258. You have shown great courage in posting this. Maybe this courage and the support of the thousands here help carry you where you need to go.

  1259. You are an amazing woman. I’m so thankful you found the courage to post this. Hugs

  1260. Cheers to the bravest woman I know, for your comicly genious posts, and for talking candidly about your struggles. You said when you left its grips, I used to say when it finally let me go, so finally someone else understands. 🙂 I used to get a lot of blank stares, so I stopped saying anything at all. Thank you for all of your posts, but especially for today’s. Love you!

  1261. I’m battling depression and anxiety. I’m not medicated or seeing anyone for help because the anxiety is making it impossible to make the phone calls that requires. Earlier this year, I quit my job because my anxiety was high, and going to work gave me panic attacks. While I know it wasn’t the right decision in the long run, my anxiety level has dropped from extremely crippling to sometimes I actually want to leave the house.

    This post is making me want to fight back and reach out to get the help I need. Thank you.

  1262. It makes sense that you look for ways to be “furiously happy.” You don’t just want it, you need it. Carbo-load a huge helping of happy for the big race; you know you will need that reserve. Sometimes, it’s that little bit extra that pushes, pulls and drags you all the way past the finish line. Like a lot of your readers, I also suffer from depression. I seek out anything and everything that makes me laugh, and not because I am just a fan of comedy. I need it. Just like you & your blog – it is medicine for the soul that helps face down the suffocating black fog that corners me from time to time.

    If there’s something we can do for you, say the word. We could organize a big metal Beyonce cattle drive and circle the wagons (like synchronized swimmers with inner ear problems) around you until you are better or build a giant trebuchet and fling bags full of Judy Garland trail mix to your house. I thought about just delivering the trail mix but that would seem too stalkerish to just show up at your house. A trebuchet says “we care AND we value your privacy.”

    Keep hangin’ in there.

  1263. Count me in as a continuing fan, as well as another survivor of (with?) depression. This is a rough time of year, but here we are. One day – shoot, one hour – at a time! #SilverRibbons

  1264. You are amazing. And so brave. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It helps to know that we are none of us alone.

  1266. I wish I could send this to my former friends. The ones who left me standing in the darkness of my own depression and anxiety. Not only did they not understand, but they took my struggle and made it about them. They accused me of ditching them, for being a party pooper, for being an “old lady” ahead of my time. They talked behind my back, saying they were done with me. They just didn’t get it. They were grown adults too.

    Maybe they’d get it now, maybe they wouldn’t. But good riddance to them either way.

    Thank you for your brave and honest post.

  1268. today i’m not so proud. today i am the one in bed. today i have said goodbye to my best friend because i realised that he is no good for me. he makes me question myself and lets me believe it is my fault that things are the way they are. and i am weak and let him. worse, i run to him. over and over again. and over and over again i end up back here feeling shit once again. But it is time that i let go of my safety blanket and say goodbye to feeling this way about myself. this is going to be my year to leap with nothing holding me back. this is the last time he does this to me.
    i am proud of you jenny for beign a fighter and maybe tomorrow i can be proud of me too.

  1269. What a great time to post this, being the new year and all. Coming out of the closet can be very empowering….look at those people from San Francisco…what do you call them???…oh ya, “The Gays”!!!! So happy for you that you are finding ways to be happy and healthy!!

  1270. Thank you for your honesty and strength and for the reminder that I am not alone.

  1271. I’m the family. I’m the daughter. I’m the friend. I’m the phone call at 2 am. I’m the ride along to the hospital. I’m the one who wants/prays/hopes the ones I love (and those I don’t know as well, just as deserving as the ones I love) will keep fighting. I’m the one standing reaching my hand out.

    People I love live with this every day of their lives. I can’t express how grateful I am that they’re still here still fighting, still loving, still living, still keeping on.

    And I’m glad you are, too, Jenny.

  1274. So I love the ribbon idea. But silver is already taken, and while depression is among the subset of brain disorders the cause supports, the campaign feels a little broad. You could theoretically be in front of a sea of silver ribbon wearers who were all there in support of MS. A worthy cause to be sure, but different than yours.
    http://www.silverribbon.org/about_disorders.htm

    Someone suggested a glitter ribbon. Sparkly is good.
    Or maybe something in a yellow with white polka dots?
    http://www.tayloredexpressions.com/item.php?item_id=667

    It certainly sounds like you have the groundswell of support for a ribbon campaign. And I’m with you too. Depression is big enough on its own.

  1275. I have no words to describe JUST how thankful I am for this post. A year ago I wrote this- http://bit.ly/giU9ZQ (and yes- I am fully aware that it’s an assholey move to link to your own blog but it’s the post that relates directly to this and something that I’m hoping more people read) and I meant every damn word. I was in such a dark and hollow place that I honestly did not think I would ever get out of. It’s been a year (one year and two days BUT REALLY- WHO IS COUNTING) and if it wasn’t for the support of family and friends, I really wonder if I would be here today. And that fucking blows my mind.

    I just wanted you to know that I appreciate this post so much. If a person can’t produce insulin- we treat that as a medical issue and deal with it as an immediate condition to be talked about and addressed. I’m waiting for mental health issues to be handled with the same matter-of-fact clarity that ALL health issues need to be dealt with. Thank you for sharing not only your struggles, but your willingness and fierce recognition of what depression is and how talking about it makes all the difference.

    Jesus this is sappy. Blame it on the fact that I’m from Canada. And watched Dolphin Tale today. DO NOT JUDGE.

  1276. I am here with you Jenny! I have been battling since I was a teen I am now in my 30’s. I wrote this many years ago.

    Depression
    You Lie
    You Cheat
    You Rape
    You Beat
    You are the epidemy of my sorrow
    today you take everything from me
    drain my energy
    and come back for more tomorrow
    (why do I let you run my life?)
    You are the black abyss of misery
    you are NOTHING
    yet everything I see
    how is it that some remain sane?
    never dealing with your pain
    never wanting not to wake?
    when it’s all of me you take
    You are a dark enemy of mine
    yet you’re with me all the time
    your name alone causes so much oppression
    I hate you with all my being…
    you are depression.

  1277. Thank you for being open, honest, and for owning this. Those of us who’ve been there, even a little, understand. And for those who haven’t learned to battle… well… here’s hoping that at least one of them reads this and becomes a triumphant warrior.

  1278. Thank you for sharing your struggles and challenges. It makes us that have sufferd from depression feel less alone and understood.

  1279. This is quite possibly the most true, beautiful thing I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. And thank you for understanding the things I’ve never been able to share with anyone else, and putting it all into words so eloquently. This does indeed deserve a battle-cry.

  1281. Being commenter number twelve hundred and something says that we are not alone. I applaud you for writing so candidly about something that effects (affects?) so many of us.

  1282. Applause. I had depression for years before I knew what was going on…didn’t seek help, just assumed I was worthless and weak. Found out decades ago, and have been working on it ever since. It’s not always bad–it comes back at me sometimes, and now I have more ways to cope when it does. Admitting it, back then, to myself or to others, was hard, but had to be done, if piecemeal at least done in the end.

    Recurrences were horribly shaming at first–why wasn’t I cured? Why was I weak? But yeah, depression lies…we aren’t weak. Having a recurrence isn’t weakness–it’s the combination of biochemistry and history laying traps. I’ve talked to people about depression for years–put an essay on my website about it back in 1998, when I was fifteen years into knowing that I had recurrent depressions and how to manage them better (far better than the 15 years before that.)

    I salute everyone here who has continued the fight–which does go on, in each of us, every day.

  1284. I was depressed for over a year. It started fairly mild, the seasonal “thing”(as I called it) that I was used to. Then, on 1/12/11, I fell down while stepping one of my slippered feet out my building’s front door to grab the newspaper. I didn’t know how windy it was, how fast the door (it’s heavy & doesn’t have anything to slow it down) could fly, or see the clear coat of ice on the front step. The wind picked up, the door flew and I ended up falling backwards & hitting my head on the concrete. Luckily, my upstairs neighbor was just coming out to walk her dog when I fell. I was dazed, but didn’t pass out, so my husband & I didn’t go to the ER that day. The next one, I felt dizzy, woozy, like I was 15 ft. tall and had the worst headache that i have ever had. Knowing that this wasn’t good, I called my husband, he came & took me to the ER. Diagnosis? Grade 1 Concussion. A shot in the tush, some anti-vertigo pills, and I was back to my mildly depressed life.

    Fly forward just 5 weeks. I had just got to my Mom’s house in Florida on 3/1 and we were very excited about my yearly 4 week visit. We went to bed & I woke at 3 the next morning, needing a blanket and to use the bathroom. Well, my ankle twisted entering the bathroom & I fell down, hitting my head for a 2nd time in five weeks. This time, there was blood from a wound on the lower left side of my head. A lot of blood. I didn’t know this until we came home from the ER many hours later. Mom heard me scream as I fell, she gave me her hand to help me up. She was the one to see all of the blood (the head has TONS of blood vessels for our brains, any head wound bleeds ALOT & looks a hell of a lot worse than it really is), She calmly said that I was bleeding, I shouldn’t move & she was going to call the EMTs. They arrived in 6 minutes. It took a little longer to get me out of the cramped bathroom. The edge of the bed was about 12 inches away from the door and the wall of the bedroom. The ER doc, who looked just like TV’s Dr. House, got me into the CT scanner, verified that I didn’t break my neck or skull and I wasn’t bleeding internally. Great News. This escapade earned me 9 stitches, 6 staples & a Grade 2 Concussion. Five weeks after the first one.

    No one tells you, when you have what is called a “mild” brain injury, that your emotions can (and WILL) change at any second. Ok one moment, blind rage the next, deep sadness right after that. I spent the better part of 2011 wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I feeling better yet? My primary care doctor, who is one of the best, was stuck. I stubbornly refused to start seeing a Psychiatrist, so my Primary doctor said that she would try a couple of anti-depressants. At the time, I was so far down the dark hole of depression that I spent most of the day in bed. I barely ate. I didn’t care. She finally found the right combination of drugs that, along with therapy, got me out. In November. I had my self back.

    Don’t get me wrong, Jenny or I would be the first to tell you that sometimes drugs won’t help. Antidepressants can stop working at any time, for no reason at all. This is not perfect, it’s not even great. I mourn my inability to truly cry when my best friend died. But I have my life back. My imperfect, fibromyalgia pain filled, living slow life was mine again. I have a blogger, other than Jenny to thank for it. Her name? Miss Banshee (www.missbanshee.com). She has been through a lot this last year, and in general. I won’t trivialize it by trying to summarize and I’ve already written an essay. She knew, in December of 2010, that she was starting not to feel quite right. Her medicines were not working anymore. She tried to deny it, fight it and even went across the country to see her boyfriend (sadly, Damn Sadly, he broke up with her in January, 2011). By the time she was able to admit that something wasn’t right, things were so wrong. Her advice?

    SPEAK UP, DAMMIT!!

    SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST IF YOU ARE NOT FEELING RIGHT, EVEN JUST A LITTLE. THIS ADVICE SAVED MY LIFE. I’LL SAY IT AGAIN: THIS ADVICE SAVED MY LIFE.

    My whole essay was just to say that. There is help out there. Something can, and will, HELP YOU. But SAY SOMETHING!! Please–

    Nadine Steidl
    I thought it was important to sign my name. And to say this, yet again, Thank You Miss Banshee. Just Thank You.

  1287. I lost my brother in 1992 to suicide – he killed himself because he was gay in the military. Afterwards my Mother gave up her will to live and died that Christmas.

    I wish people like you were around when my brother needed help… but because of you – and all of the commenters here – someone else may grow up with a Mom, brother, sister or loved one because you were brave enough to say out loud what is usually only said in minds, in drafted blogs and in the dark. That one small wave just had a ripple effect on many.

    Thank you.

  1289. PS: My contact info is out there, if anyone EVER needs a friend, someone to talk to, a random chat on the phone, email or whatnot – please do not hesitate to find me.

  1290. First and foremost, I am glad you are okay. I hope you continue to feel better and grow and heal.

    Secondly you are absolutely a warrior and you are winning, every time toy get better you are winning one inch, one yard at a time. I’ve known several people who fight with similar stuff and one of them introduced me to this quote, one that has over the years meant more and different things to me and I hope sharing it may bring something new for you.

    “Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood.” ~ Khalil Gibran

    You are strong and even though you may feel foolish you are wiser every day for every new thing. Every time you find a giant metal chicken and throw internet parties with Wil Wheaton where too many monkeys are used you make us all better. You are loved by those you know and by those who, like me, you’ve never met. We love you and we wish you well.

  1292. I know and I applaud you. I send you hugs and smiles, winks and grins. My husband fought depression and anxiety disorder for thirty years and then, when he died suddenly from who knows what, I got to fight the depression for myself. So then I knew. It is like having weights tied to you and being thrown into the pool…or the couch. Thank you for being brave enough to share with those of us who follow your blog. We care about you, you know. Be nice to yourself.

  1293. Jenny, I thank you for being one of the trailblazers. People like you are making it easier for me to speak up about my own mental illness, to look that shame in the eye and call it a trickster, a liar, a demon. I love having you on my team, I hope you know that even as we suffer alone we’re in this together.

  1294. TAWANDA!!!
    Your story made me want to shout that to the world. You (Jenny Lawson) are amazing.

  1296. As someone who struggled with Depression for about 10 years, and was just diagnosed with Cancer about two months ago, I can tell you that I will take Cancer anyday over Depression. Cancer could kill you, but Depression steals away parts of your life and you KNOW it while its happening.

    Take very good care of yourself and don’t ever give up hope.

    XOXO

  1297. This is what the Interwebz are for.

    1300 people standing together to tell you and everyone else who is fighting: depression kills and silence is its terrible, awful co-conspirator.

    I hope it never, ever comes back, Jenny.

  1298. I’ve never personally dealt with depression, but I’ve watched many loved ones struggling with it and have always wished I could understand better. This post brought the subject home for me in a way nothing else ever has before. Thank you for helping me to grasp it. Kudos to you, and good luck in your fight.

    Tawna

  1299. I know you probably hear this all the time, but you are truly an inspiration for me to keep going on. I was going through one of the worst bouts of depression recently and your blog is one of the reasons why I’m still here. Knowing that I’m not alone, knowing that WE are not alone, makes that much of a difference. Coming out and facing the depression is the first step and you were the one who made me realize that. It was you who helped me fight. “Remember, depression is a lying bastard and that this will pass. And life will be brighter again. I promise”…..boy, did you keep your promise. Keep on fighting. Hugs.

  1300. Wow! Beautifully written post about an ugly subject. Thank you for sharing. Depression is so difficult to describe… self-harm even more so. I find you so very brave to share about your battles and victories with both. Thank you!

  1301. I haven’t words enough to express the gratitude I feel, so I will simply say thank you. You will never know how much this means to me.

  1304. Wow! One of my Twitter tweeps retweeted the link to your blog. The things you speak are so true. Here’s what I can tell you. After most of my adult years of being in that dark, I finally came into the light and have managed to maintain it for 1 year 2 months so far. I had a good friend help me conquer some of my triggers. I did the rest, and yes faith played a role. For the first time since the late 1990s I uttered the words “I am happy” last year. That fear of backsliding is always there, and I have dark moments still. However, I pull out of them quickly. You keep fighting that good fight. Your blog is inspirational.

  1306. Found your blog post on Twitter. I had a few friends commit suicide, including one girl jump in front of a subway. I used to think “It’s never that bad.” And then the winter of 2005 happened to me and I was googling “How much ritalin do I need to OD?”

    I’ve been down that deep, dark hole. I’ve thought about asking friends and family to come over because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself. I’ve seen that shell of a man from the outside who I used to think was fooling everyone. And then…I got better. I turned the corner.

    I am full of flaws and still working to battle patterns I’ve had for years. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don’t, but overall I’m really glad to be alive. But I know what lurks in the hearts of men and women and I respect that power.

    Thank you.

  1307. It’s so important to find others to help you fight. You perfectly outlined what the experience is like.

    I’m ashamed to let others see it, but I suffer from PTSD, depression, and chaotic mood swings that alienate all but the most tolerant of my friends. It doesn’t help that my severe lack of trust and inability to clearly emote makes me seem like a cold person. It’s inspiring that you were able to post this. You’re wonderful and interesting, and I hope that your road to recovery continues smoothly.

  1308. Amazing. From someone who has been too afraid to ask for help you are my inspiration to keep going. Some days I can barely function at my job and days like today where I feel awesome but a part of me is worried how long it will last. 
    I am not brave enough to wear a ribbon proudly but I will look at my scars tomorrow and I will think of you. And remember how freaking brave you are and that if you can do it do can I. 

  1309. Standing with you, sister. This is one of the best posts I have read in years. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this.

  1310. What a beautiful post! I have been battling depression ever since I became pregnant with my triplets. It is especially difficult now that my kids are a bit older. They can’t understand why simple tasks can be daunting at times for me; like making dinner or having guests over. I don’t want them knowing about my depression issues at this point in their lives.
    This is an ongoing struggle for everyone that suffers from this silent illness.
    Keep going. Keep strong. You are not alone.
    http://dealsseeker.blogspot.com

  1311. I like you even more for what you wrote today. When I started self-injuring 35 years ago, no one talked about it. A lot of therapists didn’t even know how to help. These days there is much written about self-harm; it is much more in the open. I hope you have a great therapist who will help you learn how to manage your pain differently, and, then, how to not suffer so much. You seem to have a lot going for you. You’ll get there.

  1312. Thank you for this post. My father lost his battle with depression 3 years ago and took his own life. There’s such a stigma when it comes to mental illness, but it’s an illness all the same. And it can be just as deadly as any other, more socially acceptable illness. It should be treated as such, both medically and socially. Thank you for being brave enough to speak out. I hope you’ve saved many people from the pain my family and I experienced.

  1313. Thank you, Jenny. In a disease that can be so alienating, I find comfort in knowing that we are all out there, and I thank God for things like the internet, and your blog, that lead us to each other for support. We’re all part of this weird, fucked up cult that we didn’t ask to join, but we are all in this together. After a few tears, and a heavy heart, I will go to bed tonight knowing that while depression is not something to brag about, depression is not something to be ashamed of either. May we all take the reigns and find our way in the world.

    Hugs.

  1314. I want to hug you, and shout at you, and most of all cry because I fight this battle everyday. I thank you for giving words to the hell I live in daily but I also want curse you because now its out there in words. Your right we hide and are ashamed of something we cant control. I don’t have a support system like you, I wish I did. I look at my toddlers and cant figure out why I’m not happy. What the hell is happy?

  1316. Saw your blog today and promptly posted it on my FB page because your words are much more eloquent than mine. Because you are living this right now. Because I may have clients who will read this, recognize their own depression, and seek help (either from me or someone else…don’t care…just get help).

    I’ve been a therapist for years, have worked with clients who suffered from depression and really had NO idea what depression was until 2008 when I crashed. I’ve always leaned more toward the anxiety direction. I’ve always had “issues” but didn’t realize the extent until I started being honest with myself (ie: cutting is NOT a sign of good emotional health…been clean of that for 20+ years, but tough, tough, tough to stop). After 10 years of a miserable marriage and 3 months of a happy separation, my brain snapped. I’ve never knew it was possible to feel so out of control, so desperate, so guilty for not being able to care for your own children, so embarrassed, so full of shame, and the list goes on.

    I “recovered” and hope to never drop down that dark hole again. I’m sorry for you and for all the other posters who suffer from depression. On the bright side, someone who has suffered from depression also has a great appreciation for little things in life, and that is a blessing.

    Thank you for being so open, so brave, so honest!

  1317. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many comments on one of your posts before! This is visible, if not almost tangible – proof that NONE of us are alone. Thanks to Jenny, to everyone else for their stories, and even to those that just simply posted a word of encouragement! It’s amazing to see such a united support group. I have depression and I will wear my silver ribbon proudly. BRING IT ON, YOU LYING BITCH, we are ready to fight!

  1320. Thank you for sharing this. I am highly anxiety ridden, something I’ve only realized in the last year… I’ve taken steps to work on this and medicate when needed. It is a daily battle. I also watch my mother struggle with anxiety and fairly severe depression daily. It is so exhausting as a loved one to see what it does to her and not be able to help or fix it for her other than to love her and support her. I miss the strong independent woman who raised me, and I hate the demon inside of her that she fights every day. She’s embarrassed to talk about it. I’m going to send her your post… I think it will be yet another encouragement for her to continue the fight and hopefully will help lesson her embarrassment. She’s not the only one. You are not the only one.

  1321. Jenny,
    I am a therapist, and I work with teen girls. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. This post has the power to help so many feel less alone. I plan to share it. You are a gift.

  1322. Well done Jen. My 24 year old daughter who is very wise said “Mom, every single one of us has our own issues to deal with, be kind”

  1324. Thank you for this post. You put into words what I can’t. I am glad that I’m not alone in the uphill struggle.

  1325. Hey, Thank you for writing this. I am so sorry that you are going through this! remember reading about your anxiety in Karen Walrod’s Book. There are not enough “successful” people who share their bouts with mental illness. People with mental illness feel so alone. Even though I know it’s hard to share, you’re saving lives!
    Do you know about In Good Company? It’s a website for people with mental illness. Specifically, it puts faces to mental illness to show that there are really successful, seemingly normal people who suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is a quiet disease. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I shared my story in September on my site and even though it was scary to do, it helped people.
    I’m hoping and praying for your comfort, survival and recovery.

  1326. Jenny, I love you when you’re just hilarious, but posts like these make me so so so happy I found you in a new way entirely. I celebrate your victory as I celebrate each of mine. I have battled a severe anxiety disorder for years in the silence and shadows, and once I finally understood and spoke about it, it began to get better, and I was able to help others as well. There’s So. Many. of us out here fighting, and fighting hard. You have to fight and never ever let it win, and I know you’re doing everything in your power and I just send you tons of hugs and love and support for that. You will triumph, and I will triumph, and we will all win this fight one day and be our whole and true selves without all this extraneous bullshit. But I am grateful in a way for my disorder, because it has made me stronger, and more empathetic to the needs and struggles of others. I’m sure it’s the same for you. We are better people for this, even though it is a hard won achievement. And always speak your truth, whatever it is. Shame needs darkness and silence to thrive, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Take care of yourself and that wonderful brain and sense of humor of yours, and remember what a wonderful role model you’re being for your daughter as well. If she ends up with some of these issues later in life, what an example you will be of how to be strong and how to fight and never give up on seeking help. Thank you for your courage and your candor, and huge love to you right now and always.

  1327. Thanks Brian.

    Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to cling to the couch and keep breathing. And a lot more courage to write about it and about self harm as honestly as you do.

    I wish everyone could see self harm as what it is: a strategy that works some but has harmful side effects, just as some prescription drugs do (pain killers and chemo leaps to mind). And no more to be ashamed of than trying to mitigate unbearable symptoms or cure a disease with those drugs is.

  1328. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been batteling depression my whole life. Some periods are darker than others, sometimes, I’m happy. The truth is that this disease makes us live in uncertainty, and yes, in shame. Real few friends know about this, of what I go through, I never really show that I’m depressed. I try so hard to appear “normal” on my social interactions, and keeping this mascararde gets too damn exhausting! I wish I could just be weak, and vulnerable and cry and cry and cry for all the inexplicable sorrow inside. But everyday, I put on a big smile on my face (after fighting myself) I get out of bed an go on… and keep tying. Why? I still don’t know why, but I don’t lose hope that one day I’ll see why and I’ll be so thankful I kept going. I hope, and this hope sometimes is so hard to bear, at times, I just want to give up, and be at peace. Its hard to shamfully admit that I see everyday of my life as another day I survived suicide, but that’s how it feels. I fight, for me, for my loved ones, for the undying hope that burns inside me that keeps me hanging on. It always, ALWAYS, helps to know one is not alone, that there’s people out there that go through this too. That there’s people fighting just like you are and that there are SURVIVORS out there, this feeds the hope. Thank you!

  1331. i’ve started into a depressive spiral tonight… i’ve been fighting it off since the year started as this really isn’t how i wanted to start my new year but alas, here i am. Crying in front of the TV, showing Hoarders. (not a great thing to watch when depressed, i know.)

    Even as someone who is in the deep dark right now, i see the validity of the words here and know them for truth. i’m bookmarking this post so i can come back and read it every day until i claw my way up out of this latest spiral. And then, once a day after that to remind myself that there is always a light, there is always hope, and always someone there who will cheer for me, even if i can’t for myself.

    Thank you, Jenny.

  1332. Thank you for writing this. My dad fought this battle, I don’t even know how many times, and in the end he lost. We could see him fighting so hard, but every time we tried to reach out to help, he couldn’t bring himself to admit anything was wrong. And I was seventeen and I tried so hard, and my mom tried and his family tried, but we all lost, and we lost him.

    So people need to read this. People struggling with depression need to understand that they aren’t alone, and the people around them need to understand how hard it can be to ask for help so they can be ready to give it… and so they can learn to forgive themselves when they can’t.

    This is my first comment on your blog, after spending a few weeks devouring all the archives and loving them, both the funny and random and the serious. I’m one of your readers now, and can’t think of a better club to belong to! So thank you for sharing your humor and your vulnerability and your strength and your whimsy with us. And your awesome husband and perfectly adorable daughter and crazy pets and taxidermied mascots and all!

  1333. Keep on fighting. No matter what.
    & know you are so far from alone in your battles.

    THANK YOU for speaking up & sharing. Hoping you have a great therapist & the right combo of meds. I know they mean all the world to me. & blogging. Helps to release sometimes & see I’m not alone. Reading posts like yours inspires me.

  1335. Thank you for this. So. Very. Fucking. Much.
    I struggle with depression. A lot. Medication is very bad thing for me. I stop feeling so hopeless and depressed and start thinking it is completely normal to drive off the side of the overpass.
    Also, I carry a gun. I’ll never hurt myself or anyone else with it, but such things frighten many.

  1336. I understand. I’ve been there. Thankfully a large part of my “There” is in the past, but there’s always that feeling if you look up you’ll catch sight of it behind you in the rearview mirror. But I’m glad you shared this. I know how scary it is, but we have to be able to celebrate the victories. To say “I’m good for now”. I’m a new-ish reader of the blog, but nevertheless I am so proud of your three days. That’s fully awesome.

  1337. No need for silent, bloody battles. We are here and we understand. Be fierce. Thank you. Godspeed.

  1338. “…you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.”
    I wage a constant battle with myself around Depression. I fight the diagnosis tooth and nail, while the energy I devote to renouncing the illness I know is a part of me could be better spent taking care of myself and those who depend on me. I know I won’t always be able to curb it, to prevent this aftereffect of recognizing the way it took from the people and things I love. But I also know I can come out on the other side and pick up the pieces as best I know how, and that chances are, everything’s gonna be okay. Thank you for helping me see this.

  1339. Thank you. I have struggled with self-injury for over 10 years and an ED for over 4, and I’m mostly doing okay now, more or less. Every day, every week that I don’t cut, bruise, or puke, I feel like giving myself a standing ovation because I’m so freaking proud of myself. And though I don’t know you, I am proud of you. 3 days may seem like nothing to some people, but I know how difficult 3 days can be. It gets better.

  1341. I understand. Completely. I’m bipolar, and I’ve attempted suicide once but had many other instances where while I didn’t attempt, I came close. It’s terrifying. I didn’t actually want to die, but I had seen so many psychiatrists who all told me that I was depressed and put me on SSRIs without listening to me say that SSRIs made me feel WORSE, so I felt like it was never going to get better. It’s so hard to try to tell someone what’s happening, especially when it’s like what you said- I’m not actually ok, but I’m working on it and I will be, and in the meantime I’m not in danger. My friends are very understanding, but they still don’t actually understand.

  1342. As poster #1315, there isn’t much I can say that hasn’t been said. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and have self-mutilated once (or twice if you count the time I suddenly decided I didn’t want any hair and cut it off from the middle of my back to less than an inch long. I don’t count it, but my best friend does). Those episodes where the world is black and you see no hope of light, ever, are hell. As bad as they are, they are nothing compared to my daughter’s suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder and subsequent drug addiction. I am both a survivor and a warrior. Thank you for blogging and sharing your pain. The more we talk about mental illness, the less the stigma.

  1344. My husband and I joke that you’re me from the future with one badass time machine; since I found you, it seems like every time I’m slogging through the battle, you post something that ultimately helps me break through.

    Thanks for being rad!

    Oh, and if you are me from the future, keep that time machine in pristine condition. I have an excellent adventure planned.

  1345. I wish I could do more than say I’m here. Here to carry a burden if you need it lightened. Here with a shoulder to rest your head. Here with whatever it is you need, my dear. You give so much and you deserve it all back ten-fold.

  1346. Depression is a state of mind. You are weak if you think it. You are strong if you think it.

  1348. I am also a on going survivor of depression and anxiety disorder and I 100% agree you should me proud and I have go say you are the first person I have ever heard use the word proud when discussing these topics and I thank you for letting me see that I to should be proud when I come through still breathing after a bad struggle with my depression. I am also a mother to 3 young children and have a work consumed husband so at times I feel very alone and afraid. Afraid that my children will also have these struggles when they are older and afraid that it’s never going to look brighter, but those 3 faces make me fight harder then anything to be better for myself and then for them. I have a husband that doesn’t really understand because he’s never gone through it and at times it adds more pain and conflict but in my 29 yrs I have made it and I pray to god I will continue to be proud to be alive and healthy. So thank you for talking about your very personal struggles and thank you for helping me to realize that I to have something to be proud of myself for. God bless you and your family and I hope that everyday you have a reason to feel pride for yourself!!

  1349. “afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t.”

    This sums up how it feels so well.

    Depression is awful. Fighting through my own bouts with it feels almost impossible so many days. Your reminders about depression lying to you have helped me get through sometimes. Even when I still believe those lies, at least I know somewhere that things will change again for me.

    Struggling with self-harm is even harder. I’ve stopped for over a year now, for fear of triggering my partner, but the urge is still there. And I give in in the small ways that won’t leave marks for him to see, or leave single marks and cuts that can be explained away as something not self-inflicted. I’m struggling to stop even that, because I know it will eventually escalate if I don’t.

    I’m supremely grateful to the strong people like you who will let a total stranger feel like maybe she’s a little bit less alone tonight. Thank you.

  1350. I’ve been struggling just to survive since April of 2011. Struggling to breathe in and out. Now that I’m finally finding the strength to claw my way up out of the misery and surveying the wreckage…oy. Thank you for posting, for letting me know that I’m not alone.

  1351. ALL the hugs. Three days is amazing! I’ve just come off the first year of my life when I didn’t feel crazy more often than not, and that hard-fought war may still have some skirmishes but I think I’ve won. You’re winning your war too, and we’re all on your side. Stay as safe as you can.

  1352. Thank you. Thank you so much for posting this. Thank you for being brave. It’s a constant struggle with depression, I’ve suffered with it diagnosed for four years, but went years beforehand without being diagnosed. I’ve been through therapies and I know what to do to combat it, but sometimes it’s just so hard. All I can say is thank you. You are an inspiration for me to keep on pushing, to keep on fighting and not let the depression win. Thank you.

  1353. Its like you’re writing about me. Scarily so.
    I could never write like this on my blog. I’m not exactly ashamed of my depression, but more anxious of what other people will say. People can be cruel and harsh. And judgemental.
    Well done for being so brave. I wish I was more like you.

  1354. Thank you! Thank you for sharing your battle. Thank you for reminding me when I fall into the abyss it won’t be forever. That the anxiety attacks will end. I’ve read so many other’s blogs that set off my triggers. You, however, give me hope! I adore you!

  1355. Hey dude,

    I read everything you write, but I don’t ever really comment (usually because I am at work and Trying to Seem Busy). But I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to have you here on the other end of my keyboard. A few years ago I went into such a bad depression I stopped sleeping and eating, and could only lie awake in my dorm room thinking about how I would die someday and how worthless my whole life would have been. It took everything I had – everything – to get out of my bed, go to my best friend’s room, and tell her I needed her to come sit with me. She didn’t leave my side for a week, and she got me the help I needed. Now, whenever people talk about brave moments in their lives, or fearless things they’ve done, I think of getting out of that bed and knocking on her door. That is *my* brave moment. But I have never told anyone else about it because it seemed…stupid. Like other people travel alone to countries where no one speaks the language they do and temporarily leave behind everything they’ve known, and I once asked for help. And I knew there was something weird about feeling that was my bravest moment and also feeling it shouldn’t be talked about. But I couldn’t figure out what that weird thing was until I read this.

    Thank you so much.

    Also, you rock. Can’t wait for your book.

  1356. I’m going to take the pills that have been sitting on top of the microwave for almost a year.

    The stigma pills- the meds- the crazy people pills.

    They were prescribed for anxiety, but both are anti depressants. One is addictive, and that scares the living hell out of me.

    A year ago I thought I could just shake it off- that I didn’t need pills.

    Then the panic attacks started.

    Then the prescription. The stigma. The alienation.

    Then the madness of wondering when it will all stop.

    Tonight. I will put my foot outside.

    I will take a pill. Or two.

    And I’ll do the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that.

    They always say sunshine comes after the rain.

    Tonight your post is the breath of fresh air that I needed to chase the storm clouds away.

    Tonight you have changed my life.

    Like I posted earlier- Thank you.

  1357. Oh, wow. I read this post after fighting through a week of the most intense SI urges I’ve had in years…it’s like your voice came out of the ether to remind me that I’m not alone in this, that there are people out there in *exactly* the same place…smart, funny, sassy people. Thank you so so much for this. I would say that you have no idea how much you’ve helped…but with 1.3k posts and counting, you must have some idea. Regardless, thank you.

  1358. I self-harm, I cry alone and feel so along. I understand how you feel. I don’t get all of the help I need because I’m just stubborn. But I will now. It’ll be nice to let go of the couch and my anxiety.
    Keep on keeping on. You’ve got this.

  1359. I won’t divulge what flavor of shrink I am, but be aware that some of us in the helping professions suffer in silence too. That is, when I’m suffering I’m silent about that particular episode. But I almost always tell my patients at some point that I have a history of depression, with two serious episodes. Like sitting in a recliner all day. every day, with the TV on and not remembering any of it. (Unfortunately that lasted almost a year at my worst. Luckily I had the sense to toss the recliner when it was over!)

    I remember staying in that recliner, ignoring the urge to go to the bathroom to empty my bladder. “It takes so much energy to get up . . . I’ll just wait a little longer.” Telling myself that, over and over, until I HAD TO get up and go. So hard to gather up strength to do anything. So hard for anyone who hasn’t been depressed to understand . . . after all, “didn’t you just sleep for 10 hours?” In separating, the first husband talked about coming home from work and finding me depressed and having to “scrape you off the floor like a spatula trying to flip a pancake.” Gee, thanks for sharing. Yeah, that was helpful.

    At some dark point in my life, after a lot of professional help, and after several episodes I realized – – – “Hey! Wait a minute! I’ve felt like THIS before! In fact, it’s happened several times. How could this terrible feeling that feels like it’s NEVER going to end happen SEVERAL times . . . unless . . unless . . . IT STOPPED IN-BETWEEN THE EPISODES!!! Oh my gosh, I got better even after I felt this awful. It didn’t last forever. It has never lasted forever!” And I cling to this thought, this truth, whenever I slide down the rabbit hole. Somehow, with professional help, I have always escaped.

    And I embrace this thought as I head to the waiting room to greet my next patient. “Please come in,” I say. “Howya doin’?,” he replies. With a forced smile I say “Fine!”

    I love my work, I love (almost all of) my patients. They often ask me how I can stand listening to people complain all day. But it’s not complaining. Well, to be honest, sometimes it is and that CAN be tiresome. But 95% of the time I listen to people who are suffering tell me about their symptoms. And probably my experience of suffering was different than theirs, but suffering is suffering. I KNOW how much it can hurt. I know how helpful it can be having someone you can tell about the depths and lengths of your suffering, someone outside your everyday experience, someone non-judgmental, who won’t turn around two weeks later and throw what you told them in confidence in your face.

    And because I have professional training I can do more than just listen. I can help them learn to heal. They do the healing, I do the teaching. Sometimes the process seems to take a long time . . . but these days, I think it usually takes the amount of time that it needs to take. When I began this work I wanted it to happen quickly, but I realize now that I have no control over how long it will take. Yes, meds can help things along, but true healing comes from knowing how to talk to yourself, challenging distorted thoughts, staying in the moment, figuring out what gives you energy, doing those things, and taking care of your physical self.

    Before I meet a patient sometimes I think, “Maybe this patient will be one of the lucky ones who will never have another episode of mental suffering.” It does happen. Or maybe this patient has suffered before, but this time will develop some insight that allows healthier choices in the future. Or maybe they too will be comforted when they become aware that “this feeling has NEVER lasted FOREVER!”

  1360. I am so far down your list I doubt you will see this. But, from someone who has also held the knife, ready, only to find the strength and pull it away. I am proud of you. Find your reason to continue and you will rule your own world.

  1361. I also self harm. It did put me in the hospital (though I was “FINE,” I swore). It’s been over a year, probably closer to two years since my last real harming experience. I now just have little “habits” to get out of. And of course, I struggle to remember why I have to take the pills EVERY day. It sucks, but it’s better than hurting those around me by hurting myself. I think it’s awesome you posted this. We are only as sick as the secrets we keep (and screw the haters!)

    Love yourself, for only then can you have love to give to others.

  1364. I always think of depression as being stuck in the river. At its worse I’m floating on the bottom. At its best I’m walking along grass at it’s edge. It doesn’t matter how many times I get better and walk away, I can end up at that river at any time. Depression will come at you time and time again but that is ok. It is not our fault the river exists or that we end up in it. It is some cruel quirk of the brain that brings me there. Not. Our. Fault. None of us is alone here. And that includes you. *hugs*

  1365. Jenny, you are not the same person to me. I have only recently started reading your blog, and as I began with the archived posts–sharp, gut-bustingly funny, and sweet–and devoured my way up through 2011, you have, humbly and with admirable genuineness and class, shown me not only that the internet can be used for good, but that people by and large are far more caring and generous than I often imagine them to be. And with this most recent act of raw and beautiful honesty, you have become even more than the lovely human being I’ve imagined you to be. More real. More strong. More devoted to insanely beautiful, fucked-up, wonderful life and furious happiness. You’ve become more. Thank you for, as always, giving it to all of us.

  1367. I recently ended a 20 year friendship with someone for several reasons, but a big contributor was when I turned to her one day and told her that she was the only person that I knew who could relate to me when I talked about how I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning because I knew the day was going to suck as much as the one before, or how I couldn’t wait for the day to be over with so that I could move on to the next one and get it over with as quickly as possible. She replied, “Yeah, but then you get over it.” This was coming from someone who had suffered depression all her life, experienced severe panic attacks, and survived a half-hearted suicide attempt. I was speechless. I began thinking–How did YOU “get over it”? That’s right, you used your company’s incredible insurance program to pay for therapy, and a regimen of drugs of the strongest dose that doctors were allowed to prescribe without actually having you committed somewhere. It’s frustrating to have wasted 20 years on someone who could be so un-supportive, but I’ve learned that I really am better off without them.

  1368. Thank you so much for posting this.
    So, so much.
    I’ve shared it on my Twitter because this victory of yours truly deserves to be shared.
    I recently realized that my hostility and insomnia was probably due to undiagnosed depression. I’m taking strides to get over it, but you’re right. It’s HARD. But just knowing that there’s other people out there, silently fighting the same heaviness of the heart, makes me want to join you in your battle cry.
    And I hope that some day I can.
    Thank you.

  1369. I have friends who struggle with the self harm that you talk about. I’ll add you to my prayer list.

  1370. Thank you. For this post, for your honesty. We don’t know each other, but your posts (the funny, the outrageous, the honest, the sad, the hilarious, the poignant) have touched me and I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re a survivor.
    Be well.

  1371. I’ve read this post 3 times now and just didn’t know what to say. You’ve had words of encouragemnt for me in the past and for that I am profoundly grateful. You are Jenny the Lionhearted, you make a difference in the lives of so many people, most of whom you will never meet. It takes true courage to do what you just did. And for that I love you even more, even though we’ve never met. I, too, self harm. I have for 20 years now. I’ve cut, I’ve burned. I’ve lived in shadows that I hide from the people who love me. Maybe now those shadows can have little silver ribbons running through them. Thank you for…everything.

  1372. i feel like you reached into my soul and wrote my story, but I am still in the darkness, I don’t feel like I’ve won or accomplished anything. but I didn’t cut today and that’s something I suppose.

  1373. For what it is worth, thank you. Thank you for sharing, and for letting us into your struggle. I have only been reading you for a month, but I so so so love how you write, and how awesomely goofy you are! I cannot tell you the number of nights that I have been banished from bed because I have been reading one of your posts after my husband has fallen asleep and is startled awake by my cackling and snorting. Three people crossed the street as I approached them 2 weeks ago because I had just read your original beyonce post and had to run to get my daughter from kindergarten but was hysterically laughing all the way there. It was not pretty. At all. But it was the hardest I had laughed in months. I know it may not feel like it, but you became your depression’s beyonce. Knock knock motherfucker indeed!

  1375. Thank you.

    And congratulations.

    And keep fighting. And celebrating. And keep being a voice for people who can’t be their own.

    You are so brave, and I admire you so much for being so honest and open about your struggles. It helps to just read about one other person…it helps to know we’re not alone. And it helps to know that you are loved and have an amazing support system because then maybe there’s hope for the rest of us.

  1376. I know this…I’ve come out the other end of my dark tunnel – with weight gain, a comfort eating problem, four years of lost productivity (I’m writing a novel now). It’s an immense battle – against a swirling grey fog that leeches the colour, import and creativity from life. Thanks for sharing this as more people need to know how serious, and how real, depression really is.

  1377. I’ve followed your blog for about a year now but never commented – I’ve never known what to say. Tonight, I still don’t know what to say…but I want to say something. You’ve made me laugh and cry (often at the same time) and I’ve never felt more similar to someone who appears on the surface to be so different. Thank you for all you have shared – you remind me to smile, even in my darkest moments of self-doubt. And among 1300+ other comments, I doubt you’ll read my first-ever comment on your blog. But I had to say it – I wanted you to know. Thank you, and don’t forget that for all the supportive comments you receive, there are many more (like me) who read in silence and love you for who you are.

  1378. Please, please consider yourself hugged, patted, congratulated and applauded for so many things–your bravery, willingness to share, desire to help others by destigmatizing depression and your intense honesty.

    While your readers are not there to physically hug you, please know that our combined mental energy and affection combine in the ether around you in a great ring of warmth and support.

  1379. I struggle to know what to write, yet I am drawn to comment – I never comment.
    1200+ comments so far on this post and they all say what I want to say, yet none say it all.
    Depression and anxiety creep up on you. You are fine and then the next minute you are weeping, or not wanting to leave the house. A minute ago you were fine, going about your business, then all of a sudden you are doubting yourself, doubting others, unsure of how to do your job, answer the phone, walk out the front door, get out of bed, climb the stairs.
    You are brave, you are strong, you show this every time you smile for your little girl when it takes every piece of energy you have.

    Thank you for your strength and your honesty and yes your bravery too. You are not alone, neither are any of the 1000+ commenters before me who deal with this beast from the pits of hell. We are all here. We are all fighting, and thanks to your post we now know we are not doing this alone.

  1380. I have been battling Major Depression, PTSD, OCD, and anxiety since my early teens. It has left me isolated from my family and looking back at ruined friendships because I wasn’t able to get REAL help until 5 years ago.

    I am still working hard to say outloud some of the things you have so beautifully talked about in this post.

    Thank you for being brave and Thank you for giving me the hope that one day I too will be able to talk about my issues as bravely as you have here!

  1381. As I write this I see there are 1322 comments. Holy shit. I’m betting that among the gazillion people who read this post, you have saved a few lives. Thank you. I wish you continued good days and strength.

  1382. Holy Shite, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a comment thread longer than this one, anywhere. So I’ll be brief:

    1. Why the hell SHOULDN’T you get a pat on the back for surviving? *pats back* Go you!

    2. How could I judge you for self-harming, when that demon used to dog me too? About a year ago, I was in some random store looking for something. The clerk at the register was some 20-something young woman, old enough to know herself, and young enough to make me feel really old. She was wearing short sleeves, and had just awful, awful scars all over her forearms. I didn’t need to ask how they got there. But she was smiling, doing her job, functioning just fine in the world, with her scars right out in the open. Like a badge of honor she was making no effort to conceal. As if to say “hey, world, or anybody else who might be thinking about flipping me some shit, think about what must have happened to me that I got these scars. I _survived_ that, motherfuckers. Now, you think there’s a goddamn thing YOU can do shove me down? Think again.” I couldn’t help but be proud of her. I didn’t, and still don’t, know who she was or really even the first thing about her. I have no right to be proud of her, but I was anyway. Proud, and more than a little bit jealous of her strength and bravery.

    3. Silver it is. I think you just picked the signature ribbon color for depression/impulse-disorder. Zazzle it!

  1383. The couch bit is what got me the most. It’s exactly it. Congratulations, Jenny. We live to fight another day.

  1384. You are just as amazing asany cancer patient. They recieve support from every which way- whether they want it or not, while depression hides away. I am sending you a virtual high five, pat on the back an a big hug. You ARE brave, and with the strength that is so obvious, even in a self admitted weak time, you will make it Your daughter will know and love a strong woman who will be able to teach her perseverance. Fight on.

  1385. You are very brave indeed, Jenny. Not only for battling against the lies of depression, but writing so honestly about it. I’m glad that you know you’re well-loved.
    Please, please keep on fighting. Hugs & love, etc…

  1386. I read this. And cried a little. And told my friend I was with at the time some silly lie.

    I get sad. I’m thankful that it’s not often, and doesn’t really last more than a few days. I’m researching triggers and figuring out mine. But it’s exhausting, to fall into a pit so deep I’m surrounded by self-hate and whatever bullshit my mind can dig up. I’ve researched bi-polar disorder. And I’ve researched self-harm.

    My best friend is in therapy and on medication and I’m supportive as hell but I can’t get help myself. Not strong enough but I think that’s the point of getting help. I haven’t figured it out. It’s in waves.

    Reading the comments help, but I know I’m not alone, I know it’s hard. I just wasn’t raised to reach out. I cried because of that. I don’t know if I’ll get through it on my own power, but let’s hope I can wear my silver ribbon some day.

    In the meantime, thank you for being strong for the rest of us who aren’t there yet.

  1387. Yep. Along with over a thousand others, I want to thank you for this post. I have learned to hold ice cubes instead of pick/cut (mostly…) and therapy and drugs help… but understanding helps MORE.

  1388. Just wanted to add my thanks to the thousands of voices already here. I’m a 34-year-old with anxiety and depression, and I recently self-harmed after promising myself for the hundredth time I wouldn’t do it again. It was brought on by a bout of intense loneliness. Maybe if I get the urge again I can come here and read this post and the comments and remember that I’m not alone.

    You’re one of my personal heroes, Jenny. Thanks for all that you do. But mostly thanks for being you, and sharing yourself with the world.

  1389. I’m currently unemployed and my husband doesn’t make a lot of money. The constant worry about paying the bills is wearing on me. I already had problems with depression and this isn’t helping. One of the things I’ve done is reach out to some friends so I could spend more time with other people and less time letting the depression gerbils have alone time with my brain. It’s been working pretty well and I’m sure I’ll find a job again, I just hope it’s soon…

    Thank you for being strong enough to speak up about the truly silent killer. It gave me the courage to talk about my situation, if anonymously.

  1391. You are incredibly courageous to share this with the world. You are an inspiration, thank you.

  1393. As a teen, I was in the dark for far too long. I couldn’t get out of it until I went on anti-depressants. I couldn’t see that happiness was something that came from the inside. I haven’t fallen into long lasting depression since. I’ve been off anti-depressants for 3 years. I haven’t self-harmed in almost a year.

    Thank you for sharing your battle with us.

  1394. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve battled severe depression for a couple of years now, and reading your blog has been one of my escapes from my daily life. It makes me laugh for a little while, which always helps. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in this.

  1395. It’s like I could have written this, except for the having a daughter part. Thank you. <3<3<3

  1396. This is ths first post of your blog I read. I strugle with borderline personality disorder. The best two things I have ever been told were “define your illness, don’t let it define you” and “your are not the only one struggling with (insert issue here)” it is so easy to forget that I am not the only mom who can hurt herself or deals with issues so dark she feels she can’t even thin about sharing. I will definately be following your blog now. Know we are not alone is the best form of support sometimes.

  1397. Anyone who fights the battle you fight and comes out the other side are stronger than anyone I know. You are awesome to be able to put it out there publicly and perhaps, your words will bring comfort and peace to someone who struggles. Keep fighting and keep pushing it back and know that there are those out here in the world who are waiting for you to grace us with your awesomeness again. 🙂

  1399. Thank you.

    Someday, if it’s possible, could you or Victor talk about how he deals with it? I’m convinced my fiancee will go nuts one day trying to juggle his life *and* my issues in the worst of times. Any help would be useful.

    I’m glad you’re doing better. Also, thanks to you I’m now addicted to Doctor Who. Double-triple thanks. 🙂

  1400. Clinging to the couch, forcing myself to breathe, hits so close to home it hurts. Your words made me cry tonight. I am, today, where you were a month ago. I hear your battle cry and raise my sword with you; we will survive. We are fighters and we will keep fighting.

  1401. *hugs, so many*

    I suffer from PTSD and bipolar. Mental illnesses are so shameful, and that’s a harm all by itself on top of everything else it throws at you.

    You have all my support.

  1402. I’d like to start this by saying thank you. I wish I could be more earnest with text, but honestly and truly thank you.

    I have to admit that so much of what I’ve been feeling these past few years is echoed on here. The shame, the inability to speak about it, lest it acts as a trigger. It caused me to isolate myself, to not reveal the “true” me and to suffer silently so that I wouldn’t cause a “burden” on my family. What a coincidence that just this past week I came out more honestly about it to my family. It’s been awkward and I still feel that I am not completely understood, but this post hits so close to home that it’s alleviated some of my own self imposed isolation.

    Not many know, or knew, what I’m going through. If they did, they said nothing and did not inquire about it. Or the times they did, I merely shrugged it off and pretended to act like if I wasn’t suffering. I was scared of what they would think and thinking that maybe they wouldn’t care. I told myself so many times that I was alone and that I had to overcome this alone. Than nobody would ever understand it. The shame of it lead me to hate myself and I still can’t really say I have a positive opinion on me.

    “I’m not suicidal”
    I’ve told myself and others that so many times and deny ever having those thoughts, but really…that’s something that I’ve always been afraid to admit. I’m admitting it now to myself as well as those who read this. I have though of that. It was the ultimate version of shame and fear culminating into one. My weakest moment that I have no idea how I did not act. Maybe I was too much of a coward to act or maybe I was strong enough not to. That was both hard and easy to admit to. I can’t imagine how much harder it will be to say out loud…to somebody.

    Again, thank you for writing this

  1403. ging this to light. There’s a nice, pretty defining line between “average” and marked depression, but when you get further that, people get scared. Hopefully, this will allow the other folks to at see things from our side. Hang on and don’t let go..

  1404. Jenny, I attempted to take my life yesterday… In fact I’m writing this from a hospital bed. I am bipolar and sometimes my life just gets to be way too heavy to bear. Thank you for being you and for bring such a vast, unending well of knowledge and inspiration. reading this post has helped make my burden a little easier to bear.

  1405. I think you’re awesome. Anytime I’m down, I come to your blog because, as they say, laughter is the best kind of medicine. I love that you are all of your glorious self on this blog, and that you don’t hide anything. You’re an inspiration to everyone, especially me.

  1406. To each and every one fo you I sent love, healing and the biggest pat of the back I can give.

    2012… be strong and just as opne as you need to be…. we are listening and supporting.

    Thanks

  1407. One day at a time , small wins lead to big victorys, Each day presents a new challenge. one day, one challenge. You may not win them all but keep trying. I wish I had as many friends as you. Embrace those that care about you. That may be your answer. God Bless

  1408. Such a lonely damned disease, but you’re not alone as the comments to your courageous post proves. After a very long bout (the worst of my life), I finally escaped the couch about 10 months ago. I used meds initially, but they eventually complicated the problem. Came off slowly with my therapist’s help, but felt intense anxiety for several weeks during withdrawal. Feeling much clearer now–using niacin and L-Theanine for daily maintenance, and handling acute anxiety with meridian tapping (EFT–Emotional Freedom Technique). The EFT was a godsend and helped to break the cycle of stuckness, ie. brushing my teeth is no longer an epic task.

    I think the self-abuse piece is far more common with depression than many realize. We self-medicate with it, whether it is food, alcohol, drugs or cutting, etc. I believe your courage to speak out is a great step toward your lasting freedom. The isolation and shame is the real killer and simply adds to the feedback loop of stress on the brain. You’ve done a great thing for others, as well, to help shed light in the dark corner that is depression.

    Enjoy the beautiful light, sister. You’ve earned it!

    With Love and Gratitude,
    Fran

  1409. I’ve never read your blog before (someone linked this on twitter). But I am glad I read this post. I had a problem with depression and self harm when I was a teenager (untreated) and when it lifted around the time I became an adult I felt freed, like a brand new person.

    Then I started hurting myself again a few years ago when I was in my late twenties and I realized it was probably the culmination of a depression I had been in for quite some time, that was possibly linked to postpartum depression. Instead of trying to deny it like I did at 16 the next day I put on my big girl pants and showed my husband and called a doctor, and that started medications and sometimes therapy and about 18 months of absolute hell. When it was over, when it had been months since I hurt myself and I had weaned myself off medication (not the first or second or even third medication I had been on) that I felt was possibly doing more harm than good, when I finally emerged to a place where I could say I wasn’t sick anymore…instead of feeling like a brand new person I felt like a paler, weaker version of who I had been. It’s been about two years now and I still feel like I’ve lost the person I was in between those two bouts of depression. And I do fear its return.

    So I feel a kind of kinship with your words, and an understanding, but there’s also a fear, because it was never a battle for me but instead more like enduring a hurricane, because both times it simply eventually passed. I didn’t quite understand why, or if I had done something to make it so. It has given me a certain sense of vigilance, this time. Again though, thank you.

  1411. This the “snap out of it” disease of which so many suffer. We would not think of saying the same thing to someone battling cancer or some other health horror. You are a brave woman and I raise my glass to you in appreciation.

  1413. Thank you for being brave and awesome and real. Your voice is an inspiration and light to all of us.

  1414. I haven’t read the comments, I can’t…I’m afraid of bursting into tears again. I hope they all say I love you. I hope that I am the 1396th person to say, I love you. I don’t know you but I love you. I love you because of your imperfections. Because I see myself so clearly in you, and it’s hard to say I love myself, but saying out loud I love you helps. I love you because it helps to know that I’m not the only one who wishes I could call into work saying my depression or anxiety is acting up and not fear loosing a job I love…again. I love you because crawling into the light hurts your eyes a little less when there’s someone there who understands the darkness.
    But I say it because when you bare yourself for your own sake, all you should hear, shouted from the roof stop and whispered by the universe over and over and over again is I love you.
    Thank you.

  1416. Thank you. All I can say is thank you for sharing this. I know how hard it is to struggle with a mood disorder and how tough it is on family and friends.

    Depression is not something we should hide or ignore, it is a real disease, and survivors deserve congratulations and support.

    Thank you.

  1417. I get it. I get you too.
    an amazing post.
    an amazing woman.
    and a huge thank you to the people who support you when the black dog bites at your ankles.
    kick that vicious bitch ….and one day it will be too weak to crawl back at you.

    I recently read this quote.. and loved it because I instantly thought of Doctor Who.
    “there is a crack in everything. Thats how the light gets in”

    and finally, I have taught my girls from very young… be proud of your scars. they are book marks in your life. they are there to show you survived. see your scars as victorious reminders of how you too are surviving.

    peace and joy, real joy, to you Jenny.
    Ngaire in Brisbane, Australia.

  1418. I’m glad you’ve won the battle this time around. I’m sorry it’s a war you have to fight. Hang in there and know you’re loved both with your IRL friends and family and us virtual ones!

  1420. I got under the cloud one every few months. My husband is my drug. He drags me out with tooth and nail every time using all the tried and true methods. First by temporary material means like vitamins, exercise, shopping and then when I’m open to listen, he reminds me of the good things in our life. He makes me cry and be happy and realize that no matter how bad I have it in life, there is someone who is worse off than me. Together we pray for those people and pray that God gives us the strength to gracefully survive our tough times.
    Despite all his efforts, I lapse into anxiety and it doesn’t let up until I’ve screamed and cried and hurt myself into a weak state where I then stay, my mind blank. It always happens, without fail. After that I can climb back out of the funk. I need to stop this though, because I would never want my nearly four year old to learn my screwed up coping mechanism as a “normal” like I learned from my mother.

  1421. Jennu, as I write this, I am currently sitting in a hospital bed due to a failed suicide attempt. I just want to thank you for your brave, inspiring words that are such a light at the ended of the tunnel for me. I am bipolar and that is the biggest struggle every single day. your strength and inspiration are like an ending well if hope for me. thanks again and keep your head up, we are both stronger than this.

  1422. Depression almost makes your ovary seem nice. ALmost. You are on the minds of so many tonight, Bloggess, you and your bravery, wit, and way of writing what is in so many of our hearts. People who consider giving up: DO NOT. It will destroy so many hopes and hearts of people who love you and need you. Work through it, as impossible as it is. Say to yourself, “Self, I am NOT going down that way. Fuck you, depression.” Spite that fucker, depression.

  1424. *Big Hugs*
    You are an awesome you, and you just keep fighting and we will just keep cheering your victories.

  1426. I get this! The whole thing. I’m a blogger. I’m in the public eye a bit. And I’m not ashamed of my depression, but I sure don’t always feel I can be as open and honest about it as I am about other things – out of concern it will be misunderstood I suppose. I have written about it though. I have shared it a little bit. And it is cathartic to not pretend. I’ve even written blogs and not posted them – like you. I’m not seeking attention when I do it – it’s a lifeline. One must be brave to tell this kind of truth. And you are brave. And you aren’t alone. I started mild meds a few months ago (my husband can’t believe I publicize that!) and it took 6-8 weeks to feel better but not worse, but I do. I lost my business mojo for about 6 months. It’s not back yet, which I find devastating. But I am better. I can cope. My depression is around hormones and a cycle that is ridiculously unfair. For the first time in three years I’m not a raging loony at “that time” and in the in between times I’m feeling happy and in control more than ever before. I applaud you for sharing. And I hope you don’t mind I’ve shared too. I feel better now!

    p.s. Someone said “I don’t know what the random Internet reader would think…” Well, she thinks you’re awesome. I thought so before this post. Now I’m a super fan. Kim of http://www.mpoweredmarketing.com

  1427. Sending Love to everyone out there with depression or any other mental issue. You are NOT alone!

  1428. Thank you. My best friend has bi-polar and having been on the outside of a depressive episode, it’s impossible to know what they are going through. Thank you for giving me even the smallest insight into what they go through each time and just how important it is for those of us surrounding them to be there to help them back up and shout out to the world how great it is that they’ve come through the other side.
    May the wave of silver ribbons crash through the world and bring depression out of the dark corners and the survivors be celebrated for being strong and showing the rest of us that they’re far from defeated.
    Thank you again

  1430. Congratulations!!! I have an axiety disorder and my fiance has clinical depression. (Our future children are doomed, I’m sure.) The only good thing about global warming is that we see a lot more sunshine during the winter where we live, and so my partner has a slightly easier go of it. It’s amazing that heading into 2012 there is still a stigma around depression, and the like.

  1431. It’s so great that you speak out about this issue. You’re right, though I never thought of it like that before, but there ought to be ribbons for mental health awareness. I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder and have also been going through a rough period lately. I’ve thought of blogging about it, but have not felt comfortable doing so. Opening up on the internet is what needs to be done to spread the word, but then there are so many jerks (usually anonymous) out there who have nothing better to do than try to cause emotional pain to others. I guess I don’t feel like I am up to that yet. It’s hard enough dealing with the depression/anxiety on a daily basis w/o hearing crap like that. I’ve never been into cutting (I assume that is what you mean by self-harm… it seems like that is what people usually mean), but have heard that it can be quite addicting. I met a few cutters when I spent my weekend retreat/vacation at the local psychiatric ward when I first started dealing with my mental illness, and have never been able to understand it, but do sympathize. It seems like it is harder to treat than just depression and/or anxiety. I wish you luck in breaking this painful cycle!

  1432. I always thought you rocked before, and now I do even more. Before I thought it was cool that there was someone else in the world as bent as I am; now I also have tremendous respect for you for sharing your story. I just celebrated my 25th anniversary with a many who had undiagnosed depression for a good 20 of those 25 years. I can’t speak for what it was like for my husband to live inside his head, but I sure as hell know what it was like on the outside and how difficult it was for him and me both. I also understand the urge to self-harm; while I’ve never done anything big like cutting, there have been times when I did small things for much the same reason you mentioned–to distract myself from pain and from burdens, to feel like I have a modicum of control over *something*. I know what it was like to keep my husband’s depression and Asperger’s (also a late diagnosis) hidden because he so feared the judgment of others, and the subsequent burden that created. As difficult as it often is to share very personal things about ourselves, you have done so, and in so doing have helped to relieve (I hope) much of the anguish of secrecy. The people most likely to hate you for it are the same people who would have hated you for random and stupid stuff like the color of your manicure anyway, I applaud your bravery and award you honorary brass balls for having the guts to put this out there and helping countless others as a result. No doubt Beyonce stands ready with a feather shiv to shank anyone who dares to suggest that you are anything other than awesome.

  1433. Thank you very much for your inspiring and empowering words.
    It brought tears to my eyes, both for personal reasons and reflecting back on friends and family who go through similar phases of Depression or related Disorders.
    I took the liberty of translating your post into German and plan to send it to my family if I find the courage.
    Would it be ok for me to blog the translation, with appropriate references obviously?

    May 2012 be a positive & successful year for you with as little battles as possible.

    Sincerely,

    Jen D.

  1434. Having been a self-injurer since childhood there are moments where the pain is so great that I don’t think I can ever stop and when I’m in a good place, I wonder how I could ever be so careless with my life. The amount of shame I’ve carried from being an SI is still too big of a boulder to lift thus, I try to hack at it a little bit at a time. What brings me the most peace is knowing that I’m not alone!

  1435. This came on a day when The Dark was threatening to overtake me. For some unknown reason, I logged onto Twitter and saw @badastronomer’s link to your post. We, the not-so-few, who understand the isolation of depression all understand how much it means to find support amongst each other, especially when. Those in our day to day lives don’t get it.

    Thank you.

    I’ve read the majority of the comments and though most appear to be from women, men do also suffer, and tend to be under-represented because of stubbornness and gender stereotypes. Here’s to hoping more men seek help. Toughing it out/Snapping out of it isn’t a valid option, gents.

  1436. It’s been suggested to me that I get treated for depression. I’ve taken the first steps. But these past few days, overcast and dark, have been so hard to do anything like… get out of bed. My husband doesn’t get it, and few of my family do. I’m not lazy, I just don’t have the energy to do what they think I need to do.

    Thank you for this post. It’s something that so many still don’t get.

  1439. Jenny…this legit made me cry. A thousand posts below, you’ll probably never see this…but everything you wrote is hitting so close to home right now I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed that someone knows EXACTLY what it’s like, especially when you think it’s getting better only to realize it’s not.

    I don’t say this often, but you really inspire me.

  1441. thank you for this…I am one of those people who hasn’t told many people about my depression…only 1 friend knows about it and not one person in my family knows…it’s been hard but that is how it is (I’m not close to anyone in my family)…but after reading this and most of the comments I wanted to comment.

    I have depression and have for a long time, but it wasn’t until a year ago that I admitted it to myself and got help. It’s definitely a struggle but it’s nice to be able to read things like this and know that I am not the only one 🙂

  1442. Pingback: My own silver ribbon. « Sometimes I'm Imaginary

  1445. Thank you! I suffer from Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You have so much courage and are so brave for publishing this! You are so right, it’s very hard to talk about and most people don’t understand what its like to not be able to move some days. They don’t understand that those days to just be awake is an amazing feat of strength. I love your blog, and I love your spirit, your humor, your wit, and your love for all things hilariously odd. And I love that you are able to write about your experiences with Depression. Thank you for all the you do, hang in there. From one who knows and understands …….. It will get better 🙂 Because we want to be better, and we know its out there for us. Good support systems, and finding the right drs are the best!!! I’m so happy to have read this today, of all days … bc I just went to my first appt with a new talk therapist. For the first time in more than a decade I feel hopeful, relief, and I really do believe that I can see the light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. She’s amazing and I feel so lucky to have found this Dr. Thank you again for this post, I’m so emotional right now, so I apologize for the rambly-ness. I hope I’m making sense, lol. Take care, much love and many blessings to you and your family! Happy New Year! xoxo Namaste

  1446. Thank you so much for posting this. You are a wonder and an inspiration. Your openness about arthritis and pain is commendable, but your openness about *this*, which causes so much shame and misery for so many of us, is something that deserves a medal. Maybe a silver ribbon would be a start, but I think you should have a big fucking shiny medal of awesomeness.

    Depression and anxiety and the impulse to self-harm? They should just all FUCK OFF.

  1447. Hello,
    I’m just a complete stranger who read your post as Jenn (the Leftover Queen) mentioned about it on Facebook.
    I do just congratulate you on your success and being brave and proud enough to tell it out.
    Sending you my best wishes and a real big hug from miles away, from Istanbul : ) This is sometimes something we just need.
    Cheers…

  1449. WOWZA! You’ve clearly made the decision to come into 2012 all guns ablazin’, big girl pants firmly in place, take-no-fucking-prisoners, leave it better than you found it, “world, here I AM!!!!”

    If we can’t throw a Tuesday at Noon Twitter Parade in celebration for all of that, then I don’t know if we can call ourselves your minions.

  1451. one of the things that angers me about being bipolar, and a past and present cutter, is that a lot of people find that out, and i think they see me as less of a person.
    which is horse shit, of course. but they do.

    but i don’t care what people think. it’s my fight, and i’m still here, aren’t i? so i’m obviously winning.
    nothing else really matters but that we keep winning, eh?

  1455. Being someone who has suffered from this horrible condition and has also committed self harm to his body on a regular basis, the world needs to know there are a great many of us out there. Every day we wake up and fight that particular demon inside of us and struggle to keep it hidden from everyone else because yeah, we feel absolute shame in it. I have scars all over my body from it. The kiss of the pain feels so incredibly sweet that even momentarily distracts us from the mental anguish we feel. But really we aren’t freaks. We don’t need to be pitied. What we need is the support of the ones that we love. I wish there were more out there who were willing to “hold the baton”. Thank you for the openness you shared with all who read this. It took an incredible amount of courage to do so. Not only are you a survivor, but a champion and hero to those of us out there who still feel the shame and fear the scorn if we ever let out what we felt. Again…thank you. I hope that we all win this battle that wages inside of us. For those out there that think you suffer from it or know someone who does. Seek the help. Be a fighter and a survivor! I know I will continue fighting and surviving. I can’t allow the other option and neither should you!

  1456. I thoroughly understand your path. Sadly and thankfully you have become an expert at managing this illness. Carry on as you are, take joy where it can be found and find peace where you will. Your daughter can be proud of the courage her mother shows fighting the battle of her life.

  1457. I have been following your adventures for a while, and I have always been in awe of your honesty and your amazing sense of humor. Thanks for making me laugh so many times, and thanks for making me cry today. You’re awesome!

    *goes off to make a silver ribbon*

  1460. I’ve followed your blog for quite a while now, but until today I was a silent lurker. This incredibly courageous post inspired me to break my silence and comment if only to say “thank you” and “I understand.” You are my new hero.
    ~Sassy

  1462. Thank you for this post.

    It is important to remember, always, that you are not alone.

    From your family who care for you, colleagues / acquaintances who know and like you, even the many people who just read and enjoy your blog.

    Sigh – depression is the greatest deceiver on the planet as it makes you doubt yourself.
    I know when you are depressed you cannot “feel” the caring and love in your soul, and you somehow indescribably feel you aren’t worth it, at all. I know this, and I know it’s not easy to change the feeling.

    But that’s bullshit – remember that. Scrawl it a million times on a piece of paper, write it on the top of your mirror so you see it every morning, REMEMBER THE FACTS.

    You are worth it, (everyone is).

    But you…..
    especially you………..
    wonderful, funny, witty, warm Jenny, who writes columns and posts which make me smile and laugh and feel warm.
    You are worth it.

  1463. As comment 1430something, I doubt this will be read.

    But I have to put it out to you. Especially on this post.

    Two months ago, my husband confessed something to me. It shook me to my very core. As a result, I have been in one of the worst bouts of depression I have ever fallen into.

    I have your card, Depression is a lying bastard, as the wallpaper to both my phone and computer.

    I visit your site, everyday, because you are my person who tells me that I’m loved, even though the depression tells me I’m totally worthless.

    Thank you. So much. I truly hope to meet you one day. I really want to tell you in person how you saved me from seiouse self harm and suicidal thoughts.

    Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Especially on the nights I feel I truly am.

  1464. I applaud yourprogress and wish you the best through future battles. 3 days, what a wonderful start, may Victor and your daughter continue to be a source of strength and a focus point for getting through the hard times. I am a 36 year-old man that has struggled with mental illness for as far back as I can remember,as a bipolar, schizophrenic, who has been a cutter, it’s especially difficult. Not many doctors have known how to treat s.i. clients, and most seem to believe that it is strictly the domain of females, which has allowed me to reach the point of having a left forearm that consists of nothing but scar tissue. It’s been 2 years since I last cut. I would like to make it even longer.

  1465. Amber, your decision is so brave. I’m proud of you.

    Jenny, thank you so much for your bravery and your willingness to post about something that’s really hard for a lot of people.You’re a beacon in the darkness for an illness that is largely misunderstood. This post is a rallying cry.

    I have been depressed at several points in my life, but my mother’s depression (undiagnosed, but it sure looked like it) really influenced me. It hurt. If she had had the help she deserved, it may not have hurt her family as much as it did. But back then, in my family, we didn’t ask for help. We just suffered.

    Asking for help is better.

  1466. Glad you’re feeling somewhat better Jenny! I only very recently have emerged from depression severe enough to cut my university education short. I discovered your blog in the middle of that funk.

  1467. *Claps hand* Well spoken, well written and well emoted. If only EVERYONE in the world could read and understand words like your Jenny, the world would be a safer and more welcoming place for sufferers of depression and other kinds of mental illness.

  1469. Dear Jenny

    We don’t get it – those of us who have never been the victims of a mental illness. In the past I’ve rolled my eyes and thought that people should just get a grip and stop whining. My sister-in-law is borderline but have been well for many years now, married, mom of two – meeting her changed my thinking about this subject a lot. My wife is still marked by her sister’s battles. She really brought home the impact that this disease has on your family for me. Reading your posts on the subject squashed the rest of my stupid thoughts. I am truly sorry for having judged and misjudged in the past. Keep writing, keep being open about it – it makes a difference for you, for me and for everyone in your situtaion.

    Kick the bitch’s ass for Hailey!

  1470. Hugs to you Jenny – in my tenure in the sofa-staring dimension, I was lucky enough to get exactly the right help from a wonderful counsellor. Something I know in itself is a tiny miracle. Although probably a mild bout in comparison to some, trying to climb out the hole was indescribable.
    Two mantras that actually got me moving were, ‘keep breathing’ and ‘one thing at a time’ – probably totally useless sounding to some, but i would literally stop what I was doing and just breath, then try to finish that thing i was doing – even if it was just to go to the local shop and back, and I would purposefully make that thing out to be an achievement – and it was 🙂
    I hope very much that you see each little success is a virtual tonne of cement to fill up that hole so you never have to fall into it again – take care.x

  1471. You are so brave.

    I’m still in the Depression Closet and joining me in there is shame, anxiety, social phobia, anorexia/bulimia, agoraphobia and a slight case of OCD. It’s pretty crowded.

    My battle cry? It’s Dora from Finding Nemo… “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” stupid I know, but I hear Ellen DeGeneres’s voice in my head repeating it over and over, it reminds me to not give up and to just keep moving ahead, even if it’s at a snail’s pace, JUST.KEEP.GOING.

  1472. I don’t know if depression is something that you can ever really conquer. I’ve been on various anti-depressants for about 15 years now, and all they really do is take the edge off. I no longer want to kill myself, and I’m glad about that. I always assumed that it would be how I died someday, but in the last two years I’ve stopped believing that. I will not do it. Ever. But, I have self harmed more times than I can count. I think it’s marvelous, to be honest. I don’t care to try to walk away from it because it helps. I don’t do it as much as when I was in college. I still have scars from those years. But, once in a while, it’s a good stress reliever. If you need it, don’t discount it. That’s just my opinion, of course, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get by.

  1475. A friend of mine once wrote, “They can’t possibly understand what’s it like to live underwater where everything is hazy and hard to trudge through.”

    I’ve kept my head above water for a while now, longer than I can ever remember staying afloat. I can only hope that the next dip below will be short and shallow.

    But I have learned to appreciate the strange beauty of the moment when all the colors come back, the moment when I am thrilled to cry because it means the numbness is gone and at least I am feeling /something/.

    So, like the almost fifteen hundred before me, I understand. I am, in some degree, always fighting along side of you and all the others.

    (Also, Regina Spektor is fucking fantastic.)

  1476. 1 day at a time is all you can do, that’s where it starts. I was lucky enough to have people around me who understood where I’d been and the battle I was fighting and whom were there to celebrate every small victory when I went a day, a week, a month…and eventually a year without self harming. You’ll know you’ve really got it beat when you stop noticing those landmarks. It’s been 7 years for me now and I had to stop, and work that out. I’m sure that sounds a long way off for you right now, but believe me…if I could do it, so can you.

    We’re all here, we all understand and we’ll all celebrate the small victories with you. Congrats on your 3 days, sweetie.

  1477. A friend of mine once wrote, “They can’t possibly understand what’s it like to live underwater where everything is hazy and hard to trudge through.”

    I’ve kept my head above water for a while now, longer than I can ever remember staying afloat. I can only hope that the next dip below will be short and shallow.

    But I have learned to appreciate the strange beauty of the moment when all the colors come back, the moment when I am thrilled to cry because it means the numbness is gone and at least I am feeling /something/.

    So, like the almost fifteen hundred before me, I understand. I am, in some degree, always fighting along side of you and all the others.

    (Also, Regina Spektor is fucking fantastic.)

  1478. I work in a mental health hospital and as such mental health problems are something I see everyday in the people I work with. I also suffer from depression, my current episode of this is very much active. As such mental health becomes normal language in my life. This is something I’m highly proud of. As terrifying as my own mental health issues are and as much as I sometimes feel like I will NEVER get over it, I live my life in perspective with who I work with. If mine sucks as much as it does (and it does, it really, really does) then what about those who Suffer worse?

    Mental illnesses are not a taboo subject, they are not something that can be seen as made up and something that can simply be ‘got over.’ Mental illnesses are real and at times very, very scary.

    That being said, they are, for the most part, highly treatable and manageable once the right medication has been found. Your brain is the thing that controls everything your body needs to do. If that is damaged then it is going to cause all sorts of problems for the rest of you. No one should feel ashamed of the mental illness they have, no matter what it may be. Just know that there is an answer, there are an enormous amount of services available to help with whatever it is that people need.

    I say this however, with a tiny amount of hypocriticism attached. Although I am getting better at it, I am still absolutely terrified of talking openly about my issues. The words “easier said than done” have never been more applicable.

    I guess I directed my top bit to anyone else who might read this. To you Jenny, thank you for being so honest in who you are. The simple act of just posting this is not lost on me. That must taken a lot out of you to do it. You are an inspiration to me, to every other blogger I know, you are an inspiration to the entire Internet and you truly are, without a doubt, a beautiful person, inside and out. Thank you for giving me something to aspire for, both in blogging and in my own day to day trials.

  1479. Thank you for sharing your story…..it helps so many people everytime someone speaks up….it makes them realise they are not alone…sometimes it even makes them admit they have a problem….and helps them to go about seeking some form of assistance

  1480. I’ve been officially diagnosed with depression (with bipolar tendencies) for over 10 years now. I remember coming home to tell my mom, and her response to me was, “No you don’t. You’re not crazy. Get over yourself.” And you know what? I did. I got over the fear of telling people I have depression, because depression does make you crazy. It makes the level of crazy even worse if you hold it in. I don’t want anyone else to feel like they have to hide their depression.

    You’re so right – depression is a lying bastard, and the more you get its dirty little whispers out in the open, the easier it is to fight. However, that is much easier said than done – especially once the bastard gets its hooks in you. I appreciate you putting this piece of you out there. It’s one less hook the bastard has in.

    Hugs and love!

  1481. Jenny -you make me smile through tears. You make me find my feet and keep moving. You bring joy out into the world. Thank you

  1483. Emerging from lurkerdom to say thank you so much for posting this and being so honest. As somebody who has struggled with depression all my life I really appreciated this post. Keep fighting xxx

  1484. Wow, I thought this was a new post this morning, and here it was at least 10 hours ago, and almost 1500 comments. I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of this being seen in the massive amount of comments already here (and I usually read a lot of them, but today, I don’t have time, especially with this many here already!), but I’m going to comment anyway.

    First, I was worried you’d slipped into depression again as soon as you had come out of it, because I remember before when you said you were coming out of it, and it wasn’t that long ago. Then I read the FULL post and realized, you must have written this then. I will say, I’m relieved that you didn’t succumb as quickly as I’d feared. I’m grateful that you are ok, and hope that one day, you will have totally won the battle.

    Lastly, my own recent blog post isn’t so rosy, and takes almost a look inside my head. Thank you, for letting me know, the demons are not real, and I can beat them back.

  1485. I am in awe of your strength and your courage in being willing to share something so personal with the world. Know that you have an army of people who love you, care about you and are willing to try and kick depression’s ass at your command.

  1487. Your post struck a deep chord in me… I recently came out of a two year long hellish depression. No one really knew. I couldn’t hide it from my daughter though… But kids? They have different expectations. She never held it against me, loved me through all of it and still thinks I am the best Mum in the world.

    You’ll make it through. And you’re brave, strong and awesome. Thank you for your honesty and here’s to you fighting for a better life <3

  1488. This is an amazing story, thankyou for sharing it. I wish that these illnesses could be more understood, as with other illnesses frequently in the media which are misinterpretend and have many a speculation against them. I myself have been suffering something for the last 6 years, depression definately a part of it however suffering with two chronic illnesses on top of that this is to be expected and often blamed for everything by medics. They should be treated as two seperate things, physical and mental illness, of course physical illness worsens or brings about mental illness but there is often more behind it than is realised.
    I hope anyone reading this that is struggling too can speak up if they have no already done so 🙂

  1489. Thanks, for this. I don’t suffer from depression, nor do I self harm… but, my daughter does. And I never know how to help her. It is good to hear from someone who I really respect that this can be an okay thing, and that it can be fought. I can’t fight it for her, or for you, but I can say I respect the strength with which you are sharing something which is so utterly personal and difficult. thanks.

  1490. Keep on fighting, I have been figthing for the last 6 years this battle with my daughter who went through some horrible scary times, and there were times I thought I had lost her for good. I needed to learn a lot before I started to understand what she was going through. Everyday that she is alive because she wants to live again is a victory, everyday when she doesn’t cut herself is a lttle victory for her. The road ahead is still long and scary and probably full of obsticals but slowly we are winning.

  1491. My opinion of you has changed. I think much more of you. Bless you and amen for writing what couldn’t be said by so many.

  1492. I know you probably won’t read this so it’s probably not worth much from me to say “Thank you” for writing this.

    The shame’s still there for me. There’s even shame about being ashamed as I think it must be some intolerance or prejudice of my own that is creeping to the fore. I don’t self-harm but, instead, my form of soothing is to lash out at others. I don’t intend to and I try to prevent myself from doing so but it seems like I’m too often set down a path of self-destruction without anyone I’ve ever treated well enough to help me.

    But the one thing that has helped me, not only with my depression but with my fibromyalgia too, is that at least someone understands that just because there’s nothing physically wrong on the outside, it doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong on the inside.

    I was a teacher. It was always my life’s dream to be a teacher but debilitating fatigue meant I was really struggling and so, depression struck and I had to take time off work – my employers thought I was a risk to my pupils as, and this is a direct quote from a colleague, “depression is a mental illness after all”.

    That sent me to the verge of death but fought my way back only to be told by my work that I should leave the profession if I couldn’t fulfill my duties. If they had something that could cause cancer, would they have used it on someone in remission? So why crush the dreams of a depressive so vigorously?

    I still have not fully recovered from that episode because I don’t have my health, my support network has fled (my fiancee left because she couldn’t handle my fibromyalgia as it reminded her too much of when she had ME) and I have no dreams left that haven’t been shattered. Despite all that, I’ve stayed alive because once in a while there comes along someone like you who helps me realise that I can and, over this holiday period, that is the best gift anyone could have ever given me.

    Thank you.

  1493. Thank you for this amazing post, for your honesty, and for carrying the baton for so many who suffer in silence. I love the silver ribbon idea and hope some Etsy-awesome person runs with it so we can all buy one and support mental health awareness. My teenager has struggled with eating disorders and cutting and i have struggled all my life with depression and anxiety, and you are an inspiration to survivors everywhere.
    All my love and wishing very best to you in 2012.
    Xoxo
    Mary

  1494. this is my story. You wrote it better than I could have, but this is where I was for large parts of 2011. I self-harmed as well…..I had never really done it before, but was doing it. Like you, not enough to need hospitalization, but to make physical and thus more real the anguish and pain and, for me, loathing I felt inside.

    I am doing better now. I came to see that in with the depression, and anxiety, I am also an alcoholic. I hit bottom and turned to AA and now am 3 months sober, and am coming out of the depression that beseiged me for 2 years. The journey was exhausting, but I am glad to see the sun now. Thank you for this post.

    You are a strong woman for sharing this. I wish you well and continued recovery.

  1496. Courageous and therapeutic for those who still need to find the courage. I’m so glad this is being widely shared.

    I’ve had a lot of experience with students who have cut themselves and used many other self-harming methods (sexual, drug-related, risk-related) to cope with a variety of issues. It’s wonderful to see it treated as matter-of-fact, not shameful, AND as something that needs to be dealt with. Too often it’s dismissed as “just” attention getting or not really harmful – until it is. Thank you.

  1497. Beyonce-on-a-bike, it took me like 5 minutes just to get to where i could post a comment.

    you are loved, your voice is necessary to so, so, so many of us.

    celebrate the small victories. we all have the right to do that. so we backslide a bit, and claw back. the important thing is that we keep clawing. if you’re lucky, you have people to hold up your ass, making your clawing a little less painful. maybe you gain a handhold.

    happy new year, Jenny.

  1498. I don’t think that, if I went to a doctor, I would be diagnosed with depression. Whatever I’ve got that occasionally keeps me up at night is too infrequent and too mild for me to term it that. But I’ve struggled with a lot of self-doubting voices lately, and looking at it from my perspective as a teenage girl – you are a treasure, because you’re breaking down a path for women everywhere. It’s often the case that it’s hardest on those that go first. But there are people worldwide cheering you on, roaring your battle-cry, and I know that your daughter is going to be an amazing, aware, educated woman – yes, there’ll be times (probably when she’s my age and a little younger) that she’ll be furious with you. But she will always know how lucky she is to have you.

    As for battle songs – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw9TPUmxZB0

    I can see the weight there in your eyes
    I can see the thorn in your side
    Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
    One way, down a dead end street
    Broken glass, underneath your feet
    You think the day won’t break the sunless night
    The sun will rise.
    It’ll be alright.

  1499. You have awesome survivor skills :D. One of the best posts I’ve ever read. One of my favorite battle songs is Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive, corny but works for me.

  1500. As a fellow sufferer and in a deep and worsening depression right now I wanted to let you know this post gave me comfort and made me cry.

    Thank you

  1501. My sister has a kind of social anxiety disorder and that causes her to slip into depression. She also selfharmed, quite a lot, and she was suicidal and she was put into an institution because of that. We think that she is doing a lot better now but we are terrified that she might fall back into depression some day.
    Reading your blog has helped me understand her illness a little better and I wanted to thank you for that.

  1502. You’re so incredible and strong for sharing. I honestly believe the more aware people become about mental health (of ALL varieties) the better things will become. It is much more frequent than people believe and as someone who comes from a family of mental illness and has a long relationship with depression I am always grateful for the support from family, friends and other sufferers.

    We are never as alone as we believe we are.

  1503. Dear Jenny,

    I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. And i wish i could magically make it all better. However, i am sooooo grateful that you are the person you are and that you’re here, writing about it. I’m finding it hard to keep hoping that i can beat this, that things get better. And every time i feel like giving up, there you are; blogging about you’re situation and how you are not giving up. Telling us not to give up. And it helps so much. I don’t even think you realize how much. So thank you! Thank you for being so strong (probably even stronger than you think), thank you for being here and writing about it (and about Copernicus and all the other really cool stuff),and thank you for making me feel a little less alone and a little less hopeless. THANK YOU!!!!

  1504. You should be proud of yourself for taking a very scary step in putting it all out there like you have. So many of us struggle with some mental issue. Some deal with it daily and others just deal with it off and on. But either way, it’s painful, its debilitating, its frustrating, and it seems so silent. No one can see the scars it leaves and forms. I feel so happy for you that you have taken this step and sharing. Keep strong!

  1505. Its amazing. When I slip into a depression, it usually takes me a month to recongnise it and when I do, it triggers the healing. I woke up crying this morning and realised what was going on. And then… to find this posted on my FB page is incredable. Couldn’t believe how many comments have been posted already. Thank you for your honesty and sharing.

  1506. Hi,
    Lovely post. I have survived depression since aged 14. I’m now 41. Maybe we should design a medal? Keep going, it does become…….manageable. Sort of. 😉

  1507. If I knew anything about photoshop, I would post a picture of myself adorned in silver ribbons — for you, and for myself. Fight on.

  1509. Just writing about it has probably saved a life today. Thank you for doing this and for being strong enough to put it out there. People feel so alone and when they read something like this, with such brutal honesty, it makes them realize that they’re not alone. Just knowing that is enough to make you keep going some days.

  1510. I don’t know you except through this blog. But I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say we love you and get better.

  1511. HA! What a perfect post to stumble upon this morning. I had an anxiety attack just last night! I self harmed as a young teen. Though back then there wasn’t a label. My parents ignored it or were incomprehensibly naive. Depression. Anxiety disorder. Addiction issues. All rife in my family. Genetics genetics genetics. What fun. I too have found a relatively sound cocktail of therapy and pharmaceuticals to get me through life. Sound the alarm, I say. And the silver ribbons idea is fucking awesome. I can just envision a *sea* of silver ribbons. Keep fighting. And writing. And know you’re not alone.

  1512. I was a cutter as a teenager. I’ve been reading all kinds of the newer brain research, and the thing I take away from it is that urges like that are real things that were happening in my brain.

    I still have scars, but I want to tell you they are shiny and white and old. It is possible for those harm-free, harmless days to stretch to weeks, and then months, and on into years, and for me, decades.

  1513. Best post, ever. I love the way you aren’t hiding this, but putting it out there for us to see and understand. This is true strength.

    I’m currently having significant difficulties with a dear friend of mine, and your post reminded me that he is suffering from severe depression. I need to take a deep breath and remember this. Thank you, Jenny.

    Thank you.

  1514. Jenny, I don’t know what I can add to the wonderful words of everyone who has gone before me, but didn’t want to let this one pass without comment. (I read you always, but only occasionally add my 2 cents to the hundreds already present.) All I can say is that I hear you. And I see you. And your bravery in this honesty is not passing unnoticed. And that some do not understand that struggles like yours are REAL struggles – life and death level struggles – well, pffft to them. We get it. We’re here. And your daughter has nothing to not be proud of in her brave mama. Big cyber hugs to you, lady.

  1515. Thank you for your words. They made me get out of bed this morning and face the day (though I’m still in my pjs).
    When I grow up (I mean..I’m only 36…) I want to be the italian Bloggess…may I?
    Elisa xxx

  1516. Pingback: The Power of Support

  1518. The fear that it will happen again is real, but that is that Bitch Depression again trying to mess with your life. I’m sure that everyone’s experience is different but I have emerged from each of my depressive episodes stronger than I was before. I would have preferred the wisdom without the pain, but c’est la vie.

    So, now I think of Depression like a forest fire–dangerous, ugly, running people from their houses and normal life, and a sneaky son of a bitch. Just when you think you have it under control, the wind shifts and it heads somewhere else. Eventually, however, you put it out, and after some time assessing the damage, a marvelous thing happens–wildflowers bloom and the forest comes back to life, sometimes stronger than before. Fire can rip through again (and I’m prepared as best as I can be), but in the interim, GROW, GROW, GROW!

    Don’t let the fear of what might be stop you from living the life that is.

    Thanks for your wonderful honesty!

  1519. Fuck depression, ling bastard that it is. My battle with it is not nearly as intense as your seems to be, but it lies nonetheless. You are beautiful, brilliant, sexy, and absolutely precious!

  1520. Well, I’m cheering you on, and while I don’t self harm I do suffer from depression, and I know how hard it can be. Every success is worth having, and every time you win through one round reminds you you can do it again..

  1522. Thank you so much for sharing this! Maybe having such a brave, warm, funny, amazing person speaking up like this will help people. I know I wish I’d heard this years ago- ok because the depression IS such a lying bastard who knows if I’d have listened, but just hearing “hey, me too” is a spark in the dark.

    (And hearing someone speak honestly about self-harm without making a stupid emo joke is refreshing, too… not everyone does it for attention. Not everyone WANTS other people to see the marks. Sometimes even if you know it’s not going to fix anything, it feels like it helps for just a little while, which is just another one of the lies the depression is so good at being convincing about.)

    I’m going to try to remember to print this out and out it somewhere I’ll remember it later, for the next time I’m in that “clinging to a couch trying to remember to breathe” place.

    Thank you so much for this.

  1523. Thanks for sharing this. My partner of 5 years suffers from chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder and social dysfunction – maybe I worded the last one incorrectly, but it hardly matters: you get the picture. I’m Interested in your comment that you “came out of a depression”, because my partner has NEVER been able to come out of a depression. Part of this is due to his severe negative reactions to every single anti-depressant his Dr has tried him on (every class – you name it, he’s tried it). And the fact that he’s what I call “too smart for his own good” – sees right through therapies like CBT, so they just don’t work. He doesn’t self-harm, but his life is dead, empty, and full of pain. As his partner and carer, I live and feel that pain every day as well. Anyway thanks for this, I’m glad to know there are people out there who CAN get “out of” depression and will keep hoping that my partner can get there someday…more power to you, hang in there

  1524. I don’t know you but I am really proud of you. You go girl, you fight and win that battle. There is nothing to be ashamed of and people like you change the face of this illness, make the world more aware.

  1525. It’s usually tears from belly laughs while reading what you write. Today it’s the other kind. I recognize myself in so many of your blogs; this one is no exception.

    Thank you.

  1527. I’m not sure what I should add to 1473 comments (WOW!) but here I go:
    I’ve heard about you: the Blogges, I’ve have never been here before but it sounds like you are some kind of legend.
    And then, on my first visit to your blog I read this…
    I’ve struggled with depression for years, last year for the first time I admitted it to myself, my family and started to blog about it. And thus started my battle against the stigma and shame. What you just did, is bold, courageous, heroic and I thank you for that! You truly are a legend.
    Lots of love to you!

  1528. Thank you for words and those of your many commentators: one of my chronic depression habits is self-isolation, this interweb thingy helps me to understand that I am not alone, please keep writing 🙂

  1529. I wanted to say thank you for this post. I have been battling depression for 16 years and finally started to seek treatment. Your words inspire me to continue the fight.

  1530. “Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family”

    So so SO true!

  1531. High five from a fellow depressive. Always remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…even if you can’t see it. That’s how I do it. Well, that and a dozen cats staring at me with contempt as if they could say, “What the hell is your problem? Feed me.” Cats keep you on track.

  1532. I applaud you! Mental health is scoffed about, joked about and laughed about. I wish it didn’t have such a horrible stigma to it. It hurts more than just the person dealing with it, as you said, and yet no one takes it seriously until someone blows away their family and then kills themselves. Even then, it’s a horrible tragedy and nothing more is said about it. With you as an advocate, maybe, hopefully, that can be changed. Maybe someday people will be able to talk openly about their depression or being bipolar or whatever without scorn and instead be met with understanding. That would be a good world to be in. 🙂

  1534. I have been reading your blog and enjoying your posts for so long now but have never commented. I just want to say thank you for being so brave and honest and sharing something that needs to be talked about so much more than it currently is so that we can reduce the stigma surrounding this terrible illness and mental health in general.

    There is no judgment, there should be no shame. You should feel SO proud. You are an amazing fighter and an inspiration to so many.

    Thank you.

  1536. You are brave and strong and honest, Jenny. That’s very true. But it’s clear from just these posts that you are also dearly loved and cherished. Keep fighting! We’re all pulling for you.

  1537. Thank you! Thank you so much. It is such a releif to find that you are not alone in feeling this way, that there are more people out there who are fighting every day. I found your blog via Stumbleupon, and got caught, I just kept on reading until it was way to late and I should have been in bed ages ago. You give me hope that I might actually come through this crippling depression, the urge to self-harm, and it is so wonderful to stumble upon someone who have the guts to speak openly about this!

    Sorry if there is a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes, english is my seccond language.

    Hugs from Sweden!

  1538. Tattoos. That’s how I’ve dealt with emotional pain so often. The physical pain of tattooing. It’s a way of re-claiming my body – marking it with my own story.

    It’s not for everyone. I get that. And it ain’t cheap. Not gonna lie…I’ve looked down at my left sleeve and thought “Fuck. I could’ve gotten new boobs.”

    I’ve found in my work as a Lutheran pastor that more people are relieved when I disclose that I too struggle with depression than are embarrassed. And the ones that are embarrassed or think it’s not ok for a clergy person to disclose or even struggle with such things, well, in the words of Jesus “screw ’em”

    -Nadia

  1539. I wish I could hug you! Not only because you are a survivor but because I am too! My mom doesn’t even know the battles I fight because I don’t want to see that look of disapproval on her face. Your post gives me hope. I will proudly wear a silver ribbon! Start passing them out Jenny! We need it.

  1540. You are a mother f*cking warrior. And you matter. To so many people. Your honesty is humbling – don’t hesitate to share your pain or fear. We are listening.

  1541. This post definitely rang true for me. I suffered from depression too and was suicidal. For me, the mantra was “not today”. That’s how I got through it and to the other side. Thanks Jenny.

  1542. I was too over-whelmed to comment last night. I lost my mother a few months ago and this was the first holiday season without her. She suffered with Depression and other mental illness her entire life. Thank you for this beautiful post, it made my heart hurt, but in a good way.

  1543. You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to write and share this with the world. Always remember that you are loved.

  1544. I know that my comment will probably be lost in a sea of others. But just in case, I wanted to let you know that I’m very proud of you for being brave in so many ways. You have a lot of people cheering for you. Don’t ever forget that.

  1546. This post made me cry a little, because I know what you’re going through. I myself suffer from depression, though thank God I’m well-medicated enough that the big bouts only happen when my medication’s no longer working well enough — what a sign, huh?

    And one of my best friends self injures sometimes, though she hasn’t in a long time. I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell her — I wish you wouldn’t do it, that you didn’t do it, but it doesn’t mean that I love you any less and I’m here for you no matter what. (Okay, so I’m a random stranger on the internet to you, but I’ll always be here to read what you write, no matter what it is.)

    Keep on keeping on, lady. Keep on with your awesome self.

  1548. Jenny, I have never met you, but i want you to know that you have made my world a better place just by being you.
    I hope that thought is something you can hold onto when you need it.

    and know this. I understand. on the other side of the world I am here, being loud about my own (relatively mild) disorders, in the hope that the more people who are able to speak about their experiences will make the world feel a little friendlier to those who feel they can’t.

    also – thanks for the link. i love regina and i don’t think i’ve actually heard this before!

    and i sing strange battle songs to myself too *hugs*

  1549. Pingback: For @TheBloggess and anyone who ever fought the fight against depression - mocha beanie mummy

  1550. bravo … and i am sitting beside you holding your hand and crying because i wanted to set set my house on fire with me and my family and my cats in it because it was the only way i could figure to resolve all the pain i was feeling.
    spent thanksgiving on a locked ward while i stabilised … as i write this i still feel shakey but i am ok and … surviving.

    my family has used the words brave and courageous but it’s hard to see sometimes when i still sometimes feel i am just clinging.

    i self harm as well but in a subtle way. i tear at my cuticles until they bleed. i want this addressed. since it’s not cutting it’s just seen as a bad habit but i made the connection in my therapy group last friday.

    thank you for being forthright and honest. i am being the same much to some people’s discomfort. but if we do not bring into the open … no one will know.

    with great respect and SO much love. Gayle

  1551. You should celebrate! Dance nekkid on the roof and in the streets! 😉 Really. This is something to celebrate. I’m off an antidepressant for the first time in 18 years and feel good. Conquering a bout of depression is worth celebrating. Congratulations!

  1552. You have made me laugh every time I read you. Yesterday, you made me cry. Thank you.

  1553. I applaud you. A good friend of mine posted this link on Facebook and I’m glad I read it. We need more people like you with a public voice, who are willing to speak out about living with mental illness. I’m Bipolar and in recent years have gotten to aplace where I no longer hide my illness. I’m comfortable making jokes about my odd behavior, talking openly about the fact that the ugly thoughts never really go awayand willing to answer any questions people have, no matter how invasive they may seem. With people like you, individuals inn the public eye, willing to talk openly, the stigma that still surrounds mental illness will continue to fade. Thank you for your strength and courage.

  1554. you have made me laugh so hard i have cried.
    today i cry because you break my heart.
    i am truly in awe of you. the courage you demonstrate is astounding.
    thank you for this gift. it will make me be more caring, more thoughtful, more compassionate to those who struggle in such pain.
    light and love and healing to you.

  1555. What a brave thing to write – thank you, and congratulations. Keep on buggering on. x

  1556. Being a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, I really cannot comprehend the emotions you have to deal with when in depression. Kudos for talking openly and honestly about it. AFAICT, there is no luck involved with dealing with this, work your butt off dealing with it! May your strength never waver…

  1557. I think it is awesome and brave that you are blogging about this. Depression IS a big deal. I have suffered from bouts of depression since I was 13. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I sort of get the impulse control side pf it. It is incredibly hard for me not to do a compulsion when my obsessions are at their worst.

    I’m going through the worst depression I’ve even experienced right now due to infertility and your post was so raw and honest about the emotions and difficulty of this disease that it made me feel less alone. Thank you so much for posting it.

    You are an amazing mother to love your daughter and yourself enough to deal with this now. Your daughter is lucky to be so loved.

  1558. Much love to you, Jenny. There are so many of us who are so proud of you, both for the strength to fight and the strength to speak. Huge virtual hugs to you, from someone you’ll probably never meet, but who cares about you and is touched by you all the same. :-*

  1559. I’ve been there… and sometimes I am there. I have enough tools to lift me up… sometimes. I know more now than I did a year ago. I try not to listen and when I don’t I feel proud. My rebound time is less but the intensity at times is more.
    Removing stigmas on this human mental affliction needs to end. Thank you for pushing this out.
    And I like to call my affliction… wearing my poopy pants.

  1560. Thank you so much for sharing your story. All of your wit and raw honesty make it possible for others to both relate to you and to understand that mental illness is just one facet of someone’s self.

  1561. …my depression met my addictions and for years dominated everything! I got sober 10 years ago and found tremendous freedom — but, I still have depression relapses! I finally sought help 2 1/2 years ago for the depression and anxiety.

    I wrote about both but cannot find the courage to hit the publish button…writing about ‘it’ is a trigger for me too, but didn’t realized it until reading your post — wow!

    We should start a silver ribbon campaign!!!!

    Wishing you peace and comfort.

  1562. Wow – You wrote exactly what I wish I could articulate to people re: depression. Like you, I self harm. The fact is that any time I practice restrictive or binge eating, aka relapse to previous eating disorder behaviors, I know that the culprit is depression. My siblings and I suffer from depression and it’s always good when someone suffering lifts the veil to talk about what really happens during the fight. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  1563. You.Are.Amazing. You should be so proud of yourself for all the good your voice has done with this post. You are winning a hard battle. Thank you for fighting and for sharing.

  1565. Thank you for being so open about what you are going through. You may end up saving someone else’s life by posting that.

    I’m glad you are coming out of the dark time. Depression is not an easy battle but it seems you are doing everything right to conquer it (medication, therapy, etc.)
    Brightest Blessings to you!

  1566. We all love you, Jenny. I can’t say it any better than the 1,554 ahead of me (which is probably now 1,678 or so!)

    Hugs!

  1568. Been there girl. I feel your pain. Don’t let that bitch called depression win. Pull her hair, smack her upside her head and punch her in the gut. We are all much stronger than we think, including you. Fight the good fight. LIVE FULLY!

  1569. I hope you know who your friends are as you head off to the war…

    Keep fighting, Jenny!

  1570. Thank you so much for your words! I stay with you, we should never give up and keep being human.

    Best wishes from berlin, germany, your words meant a lot to me this night…

    Frithjof

  1571. I don’t know you. I have never read your blog until today. What I do know is that I have a daughter who was diagnosed with depression when she was 6. The therapist said that I had to get her to talk about her feelings but there were no tools for me to use to help her, so I created the tools called The Feeling Friends. And it worked. My daughter now 24 says that The Feeling Friends were the light to her emotional darkness. Let’s connect and talk.

    Faith, Hope and Love,
    KK

  1572. i am a cancer ‘survivor’ and depression ‘fighter’.

    i admire you because you are honest, genuine, and aren’t afraid to battle your ‘demons’ in a public arena …. where other’s who may be ashamed, embarrassed or beaten into submission by others can see and experience your strength and courage. and be inspired themselves.

    i am strong and courageous and confronting because that’s who i am.
    i am inspired and encouraged and supported because that’s who you are.

    so thank you. a million times thank you.

    not just from me, but from every shy soul hiding in the darkness.
    you are a beacon of light.

    shine on!

  1573. Jenny, we shared emails a while back as I battled with depression and was devastated when my 14 yo son was diagnosed and put on medications. I saved those emails because you were so encouraging and helped a person you didn’t even know through a devasting time. You are something wonderful, and special to so many people. I stand with you, beside you, and for you. For all of us.

  1574. As someone who suffers from both depression and borderline personality I get where you’re coming from. It can be difficult to suffer in silence and feel alone in our battles. I applaud your bravery and I know that others will seek help because of your willingness to be open.

  1575. You are the same person to me. OK, so it is a person I don’t know beyond what she has written in this blog, but that is pretty awesome: clever, funny, human. That is just the tip of it, I know. Still, you are a role model. Talking about your struggles, and your victories lets the rest of us feel some hope when we are struggling ourselves. Doesn’t matter whether the struggle is exactly the same or not. We all struggle with something, sometimes. Thanks for kicking it in the balls for us today.

  1576. Brava! I do judge you. I judge you to be incredibly brave to be so honest with your struggle, it will be impossible for you to see all the people you touch by that post alone, but I know it is a staggering amount. (and not in a creepy, butt touching way, either.) Your world view cracks me up, makes me smile every day and wish that I lived next door to you – if your elderly neighbor lady needs a roommate let me know. I come with 3 irreverent young children, I can cook, I do windows, but I draw the line at diapers though. Tell her that for me.
    Thank you every day for being you. We love you the way you are, whatever that happens to be on that day.

  1578. I know you’ve heard it a thousand times, and you’ll likely hear it a thousand times more, but your honesty and courage to tell others about your battles is inspiring. I battled depression after I finished with chemo three years ago, and it was so much more difficult to battle and overcome than the physical pain and discomfort of the chemo. Not much else to say, other than….thanks.

  1580. Sending you lots of love, from someone else in the trenches. Your blog has brought me up to see a little light more than once. Thank you for being there, and being you, in all of your wondrous, amazing glory.

  1581. I so love that you are public about your struggles. Obviously, with over 1500 commenters, others love it, also. AND, bonus, I learned that there is silverribbon.org from Daniel B. I have Multiple Sclerosis and depression isn’t just from the super depressing fact that I can no longer work, or can barely walk, etc. etc. It is actually caused by the disease, itself. Ain’t THAT a bitch. I just *lose* it sometimes, also, because it is such a struggle to speak, to do anything, that frustration causes me to raise my voice and just LOSE IT. And then I’m even more tired and my family is pissed that I am yelling. It’s tough to try so hard and it looks like I’m not even trying. Bless you for your courage. Strength to you in your continued efforts to fully heal.

  1584. Congratulations. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story, you are not alone. Let’s drop the shame and wear the silver ribbons!

  1585. I sing strange battle songs to fight my demons.

    I love that and shall remember it the next time I am fighting similar demons.

  1586. Thank you for posting this. I, too, hope for a world where we can wear our successes like badges! My struggle is with severe anxiety. Depression has only hit me once, when my anxiety got out of control, so now I fight to look at my illness straight on. Denial and shame is really dangerous that way. When I panic and leaving the house feels just terrifying (what if someone can SEE?!), I have to take a breath and start over. Blogging really helps. And reading things like this!

  1589. Amazing. As much as you probably don’t want to feel like “heroine” of depression you continually help out both women and men alike when you are so brave and share your story. Your struggles. You are one of the women who have made me not care about the negative nellies and care about sharing my story in hopes it can help or reach out to one person.
    Carry on with your head held high. You have thousands of thoughts and prayers surrounding you.

  1590. Brain illnesses are so poorly understood by most folks that those who suffer from them are still viewed askance. It’s only when people have the courage to shine the light as you have done that the stigma can be shown for what it is. Bullshit.
    You rock, Jenny. We are The Bloggess army and we have your back.

  1593. sometimes I think I am depressed because I am dying, and sometimes I think I am dying because I am depressed. without job or money or insurance I can’t afford to find out if either of these things is actually true. thanks for shedding some light on the deceits.

  1595. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, I had another bout of depression followed by 2 weeks of barely controlled anxiety (thanks to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy otherwise it would have been much longer and with 10 panic attacks a day and unable to leave the house). Hardly anyone knows how bad it is, just my Partner, Parents and Best Friend have any idea what it is like for me. I don’t feel like people understand when you tell them, unless they have felt it or seen it they can’t know.
    Thank you for your post and well done for surviving this one, I hope the next one is more controlled.
    X

  1596. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.

    Thank you so much for writing this, and being the voice many people can’t let out. This was beautiful. And you WILL overcome.

  1597. here’s my judgement of you……..YOU ROCK! stay strong! and in the immortal words of Beyonce (I am a Survivor) “Bwack bwrack brack, bwaaaack bwrack brack brack”

  1598. You are corageuosly honest. If you haven’t ever tried a 12-step program, you might want to start. The steps are SO powerful and healing and the support is unfailing and immeasurable. Alcoholism is a compulsive disorder. As is overeating. They are really just different manifestations of the same thing so the same steps apply across the board. Al-anon is also an amazing healing 12 step program which might fit you better. It is like therapy but so much more. Keep taking care of yourself. 🙂

  1599. Every time one of us speaks out about our particular psychological, chemical, emotional and spiritual struggle that is a walk through life with chronic depression, we all benefit. So too do the people who love us, and who walk a path with us that I know full well they don’t always understand.

    You are remarkable, especially when you don’t feel like it. Since the day we first connected in whatever place we did online, long before our “platforms” were called such, you left comments and sent emails that gave me courage to keep speaking my truth, because you told me then that you didn’t feel like you could and that it was the right thing for me to do. I am so, so grateful that you have come to a place where you claim that power too.

    You are so loved, so important. I admire you so much, all that you are able to accomplish while facing what i know you face. And reach out across the psychic and physical miles to you every day, praying in my particular agnostic way for your comfort and peace of mind. Because anyone who has the superpower of making the people of the world rise up in solidarity for giant metal chickens named Beyonce everywhere? She deserves some comfort and peace of mind.

    I love you, Jenny Lawson, silver ribbon girl. You are it. You just really are.

  1600. I just want to let you know that I think you’re incredibly brave and wonderful for sharing this with your readers. All of us are struggling with something, whether we admit it or not. Perhaps by sharing your story, you’ve helped someone else see that there is help out there, there are people who understand, and that they don’t have to do this alone. You kick ass, Jenny. Don’t you ever forget that.

  1601. Never posted before…I’m a lurker. But I think it’s very brave of you to share your story! Love and strength to you, I’ll be thinking of you all day I’m sure. Enjoy the season you’re in when you can.

  1602. There is more than a thousand comments on this post…but I feel the need to add to them, simply because the energy of writing it will make it so and to ignore that need is well, wrong.
    Brilliant, funny, intuitive and rebellious…your posts have always been amazing. This one, this one that reveals your darkness and pain..it is a beacon of light to all those who suffer from debilitating depression. We have to bring the darkness to light in order to have it shrivel.
    I too am open about my bouts with depression, for I have always believed it is not something to be embarrassed by. Recently I have started experiencing anxiety..and this IS embarrassing because I have always been unafraid to do things…I will be seeing my doctor shortly for help. Because I know if I don’t, the depression and anxiety will only grow.
    Getting help, reaching out, exposing the tatters of our hearts..is the road to healing.
    Thank you. Namaste. Hugs!

  1603. I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you. You are brave and noble and I admire you for posting this. As someone that used to self-harm, I really identified with your post. I wish you all the luck, strength and support in the world to get through this, and I know you will. Here’s to a stronger, healthier 2012.

  1604. GO YOU!! WOOT WOOT!!
    I am so proud of you for putting this out there. Thank you so much for putting it out there to give others insight on how it feels to fight so hard to gain enough strength to get off our couches and go on each day.
    KUDOS

  1605. Thank you for having the courage to say what I am still not strong enough to say. Thank you for helping to to realize that I am not the only one fighting this same battle. These are tears of relief that I am crying.

  1606. It’s funny, I recently moved from Seattle (by way of an extended detour in California to care for my terminally-ill mother) to your neck of the woods — TX Hill Country. I did this to be near good friends because I have no remaining family. But since moving I spend a great deal of time alone because I simply can’t spend all of my time with these friends and I don’t know anyone else here. Severe and chronic depression keeps me from “getting out there and meeting people” (I’m sure you’ve heard that advice, or something like it, a gazillion times). I have the double whammy of being introverted as well as depressed, and I simply don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I read your blog because I feel an affinity to you, and never more than when you talk about your own struggles with depression. I have a pretty good sense of humor, but much of the time that isn’t enough to carry me through. The holidays were ghastly – I spent much of them alone. I keep telling myself “You’ve crawled out of holes this deep before, you can do it again” but I don’t always believe myself. I don’t talk to my friends about how hard I am struggling right now and I don’t know if it’s shame or pride that keeps me from doing that. It occurs to me that the line between shame and pride is razor-thin – they are far more alike than they are different. And as I write this, I find myself wondering, why is pride one of the seven deadly sins but not shame? Because of the two, shame is far more deadly. Shame destroys the soul.

    Anyway. Just wanted to say, thanks for being there and for fighting the good fight. If you can do it, I guess I can do it, too.

  1607. Have you heard the New Pornographers’ Adventures in Solitude? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIdRl9bbRJQ – same sort of vibe. (We thought we’d lost you. Welcome back.)

    I hope over time self-harm gets more open and talked-about and understood. Different people/times, different motivations and effects. I read a book called _A Bright Red Scream_, and it was interesting, but more scary, and didn’t really resonate with me. The hardest part about depression seems to be that reality reinforces the feeling of isolation instead of fighting it since we all need to chart our own path out of the pit, and there seem to be about ten times as many depressions as there are people suffering from them. No panaceas. Bummer. Loads of excellent poetry, though. That’s something.

    Cutting actually was therapeutic for me, ultimately, and was sort of… like having to re-break a bone to have it set properly, or like debridement of a wound that won’t heal. I’ve never heard anyone else that’s felt that way about it, but then I haven’t exactly done the research. And it was a different thing for me as a teenager than as a 30something.

    Well done, you. Keep fighting. I swear to (redacted) it’s possible to win. You can do this. And it’s worth it. (um. Also, extra style points for dealing with all this AND chronic pain. You’ve read _The Phantom Tollbooth_? what you’ve done is actually impossible, and you’ve done it. you’re a superhero.)

    (and thank you infinitely for the Depression Lies stuff. most important PSA in modern times.)

  1609. I am right there in the trenches with you. Looking for the sunshine myself most days. Thank you for writing this and giving such a powerful voice to so many of us that suffer in silence.

  1610. Thanks for this Jenny.
    …from another silent sufferer, who has not yet found the person/people who can hold me up when I can’t stand on my own.

  1611. Well said and kudos for doing so. so much I want to say that wow is all I have in me. So perfect it makes me wonder how someone unaware might receive the message.

  1612. Thanks for posting this, Jenny. My husband suffers from depression too, right down to the self-harm and I appreciate that you are humanizing this for people who don’t understand or sometimes are just frustrated. I agree that we need to celebrate the victories and congratulate our friends and family when they come out of a bout of depression.

    You are awesome and brave and amazing. And you have a whole bunch of people out here who are standing by with open hearts and minds whenever the demons start to peek out.

  1614. Have you ever read I never promised you a rose garden? That book really helped me realized why I did what I did. My entire family suffers from social anxiety and depression, so I’m very happy to see someone who is so funny admit that it is problem. I’m glad you are feeling better and hope you continue to fight the fight.

  1615. Saying it out loud makes you stronger. The more people you tell makes you stronger. Its scary as hell….and yes, some will mistake your bravery for insanity. But if you consider their misinterpretation and/or false judgement as their disorder…it’s not so bad when they have issues to work on as well. None of us are perfect. Our flaws are part of who we are. Some more flamboyant then others and some difficult to carry. But they are ours. And we each find ways to manage …and that should be celebrated.

    Tonight I will bake a cake in your honor.

  1617. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.

    Actually, you’re better. Because of the bravery that this took. I adore you.

  1618. Late to the party, but commenting anyway. Depression and I have danced intimately and, relatively speaking, frequently. My most recent bout was the worst I’ve ever experienced, and, at the time, I thought I would never get out of it. I did. Just gotta keep getting back up … which ain’t easy.

    You’re awesome, Jenny. Truly awesome. Keep getting back up.

  1619. We don’t like you because you’re perfect, we like you because you’re a mess, just like us.
    A beautiful mess.

  1620. Though I’ve been closely following your blog for quite some time, I’m not sure that I’ve ever commented. I never feel like anything I have to say would be clever or witty enough to be worthy of commenting on your posts or to appear with the repartee that adorns your comment section. But I just want to say thank you for this post. Thank you for being strong and brave enough to post it. I identify with your thoughts and feelings so much. I am currently battling back from a depressive episode. So far I’ve been strong enough to not fall back to self-harming. Your post has really moved me…I’m crying again, but I think in a good, sense of relief that I’m not alone kind of way. Thank you.

  1621. In January of 1997, at the age of 17 I had a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosted with severe clinical depression and mild anxiety. I didn’t have a family-support system; no one understood why I ‘had it all’ and was still ‘sad.’ They didn’t understand that depression isn’t about *things* – it’s a disease that tells you how worthless you are and how everything is wrong around/about you.
    Even after being released from the hospital into the care of a doctor and meds I felt completey alone. This feeling led to more ‘episodes’ of not being able to get out of bed, not caring to wash myself, and a complete feeling of just wanting to go away. I was lucky; I went far, far away to a college and found people who understood and loved me. I married a man who isn’t afraid to say, “did you take your meds today?” and enjoys holding me and giving me a hundred reasons to get up out of bed.
    God, Jenny you are a role model for every teenager, adult, and even child who has felt like I have. Do you know what 17 year-old me would have done for someone like you? For someone to say, “Depression Lies” and to show that even if you ‘have it all’ the disease makes it all worthless. Thank you for being so brave. Braver than I am (I can’t even bring myself to put my name on this now 15 years later). Continue to be who you are because that is more than enough and more amazing than I can explain.

  1623. Anyone who sees the inherent silliness of a six-foot-metal chicken, buys said chicken, and then turns it into a movement, will NEVER be bested by depression. Fight the bastard.

  1624. This is a brave post Jenny. I am so glad you found the courage to write it. You are educating those of us who know little about depression and are inspiring others who do know about depression to be brave and showing them that they are not alone.

    Although I love your humor, the posts where you expose who you are, are by far my favorites. Thank you for your honesty.

  1625. Are you shaking your head in amazement at the many, many broken hearts you have touched here? You are making a difference, Jenny. You have started a revolution of healing, and I’m thrilled, and revitalized, to be a part of it. Thank you.

  1626. Your posts make me laugh, cry, and feel – all very important things! You rock Jenny – I struggle with my own depression as well and know that you are NOT alone. Keep fighting, we’ve got your back!

  1627. Let me be the 1578th person to say thanks for your courage & I love you more than before. You make a real difference. Hugs.

  1628. You are an inspiration. We who survive, who help others survive, salute you. And love you, in a not-stalker uncreepy way.

  1629. I lost my little brother this past year to depression and addicition and I admire your courage to speak out. We didn’t know to the extent that he suffered until he couldn’t handle it anymore and took his life. I admire and respect anyone who is trying to bring more attention to this disease b/c it shouldn’t be shameful and hidden, it should be supported just as other sicknesses are. My family’s pain is still too new, but we all have plans to bring more awareness, somehow, to the disease and the need for understanding and treatment.

    I’m proud of you for sharing.

  1631. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this with us. I fight depression every day, and sometimes it feels like such a lonely, losing battle. It’s a fight every day, and I wish more people understood that.

  1632. BRAVO!!!!!
    Thank you!
    You are a fucking bad ass!
    I want to print this post out and put it on a bumper sticker!!! OR maybe tattoo it to my forehead… That might get me committed though 🙂

  1634. You are so brave and I congratulate you on that. It is a hard topic to discuss publicly because so many people don’t understand and consider it a weakness. It is NOT a weakness or a choice or simply from not putting enough effort into life. I started reading all the responses you have received and then realized just how many responses there are here and that in itself speaks volumes. Thank you for this.

  1636. Thank you. Thank you for sharing and being honest. I started reading this post last night and didn’t have the emotional capacity to really take it on – so naturally, I decided to read it at work – gotta love a few tears shed at work. Helpful to remember to keep fighting. This battle will end, even if there may be another after that – this does not have to defeat me. I also know that you can have victory over hurting yourself. I have had almost seven years of victory – it is tempting to go back to sometimes because the physical pain is easier to deal with than the mental in the moment, but not really in the end – but isn’t that the truth of all our unhealthy “treatments”?! Thankful to know we are not fighting this alone. Thankful we do not have to stay in darkness.
    Much love,
    B

  1638. Thank you for sharing your story and making it a little easier for us to share ours. As someone who struggled for years and finally came out on the other side, I just want to say, never give up on your friends and loved-ones. It’s a fight, it’s so hard, but your constant, unwavering support is enough to make the difference between going on and giving up.

  1639. Hey there – Bugginword sent me a link to this post. I can relate, I too suffer from depression, though most people around me don’t know it. The people I trust to understand do know, but they are few. Congratulations. I’m very glad you are still here and that your demons, whatever shape they take, haven’t won this round.
    Strength Sister, and carry on.

  1640. For your daughter, you can do this. For yourself, you can do this. Thank you for sharing. Funny how writing about this was probably harder than if you had to strip naked and run from a pack of zombies. Keep on keeping on.

  1641. Thank you for posting. I haven’t harmed myself since my daughter was born 18 months ago, but I’m finding my mind returning to it again and again with increasing frequency, and this makes me both sad and ashamed. I’m not afraid, because the behavior is like an old friend. But I’m ashamed because of the way others might perceive me, especially my husband. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when he asked me about the marks from the last time I cut myself. I felt so alone when I saw the revulsion, sadness, fear, and I-don’t-know-what-else in his eyes. I don’t know how to explain my behavior when I have a hard time even understanding it for myself. Anyhow…just having someone with as high a profile as you “come out” in this public space means so much. Maybe some day I can come out of the dark, too.

  1642. I’ve struggled with severe episodes of depression due to bipolar disorder for 17 long years. I “came out” about it on my blog a couple of years ago. Hardest thing I’ve ever done because there is such a stigma, especially when you’re a parent. I write about seriously hard stuff. The stuff no one wants to talk about . . . like suicidal thoughts. I just feel like it’s really important to lend my voice to these subjects so people know they’re not alone.

    Kudos to you for doing the same and yay that you’re feeling better!

  1643. I scrolled and scrolled to leave a comment and every time I paused, the comments were all about how much everyone loves you. BECAUSE you are willing to share, fewer people feel alone in this fight.

    I don’t know if you’re still reading comments, but I have suffered from bipolar disorder since I was 16, tried to kill myself three times, and am still sucked into that blackness fairly regularly. It’s way more down than up, which is probably better for my relationships because manic destroys them, rather than just sucking the life out of them slowly the way depression does.

    You are my honest to God inspiration and I love you every time you share something like this because it makes it a little less difficult to have this disorder. To see that so many other people are also battling the same demons makes me feel a lot less alone.

    Have you ever thought about writing a book about this? You could help so many people because so many people look up to you. I know the last book took 11(?) years and I am anxiously awaiting my copy. You can be assured that if you did a serious book about what it’s like to have depression and anxiety, you would have a bestseller.

    Hugs and feel better and be kind to yourself always,
    Chelle

  1644. Jenny,
    First, I want to say something that I’ve wanted to say to you since I started reading your blog probably a year and a half ago: you are a personal hero of mine. Everything you say and do makes me admire you even more. I’ve often said to my boyfriend that I wish I could meet you because I think you’d make an awesome friend. I hang on your every word, feverishly devouring them and anticipating the next one, whether it’s in a tweet or in your blog. You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re insightful, you’re caring, and you’re strong. Hopefully this doesn’t sound too stalker-y, but I’ve wanted to say this to you for quite some time now. And I never did because I figured it would be overlooked and you wouldn’t see it. But that doesn’t matter now. And I’m probably in the minority of your readers, being male, but that also doesn’t matter.

    The words you said in this post brought me to tears. I too, like so many of the other commenters, am fighting depression and anxiety. I only realized I had it when I was 18 (6 years ago), but thinking back, saw all the signs a lot earlier. I flopped back and forth on medications, trying to find the right one, until I found one that stuck. Then that stopped working, and I had to find another. Trying to find a medication that works is one of the most difficult aspects of depression and anxiety because you have to just WAIT for it to work. And waiting is the worst. Then I thought I was better and stopped taking medication, which was such a mistake. It was only about 6 months ago that I became much more balanced, probably more so that I’ve ever been. But I still struggle, almost daily. The winter is tough for a lot of people, especially where I live (New England) because it’s just so damn dark, but it really gets to me. I get so down on myself that it makes it hard to do anything. But I’ve gotten better, and I try to tell myself that it’s just the winter, and that it will pass in a few months.

    I’ve never self-harmed before, but the thought has crossed my mind. In some of those particularly bad moments, when I really thought I was just bat shit crazy, I considered something to take the pain away. I never did though, fearing what people would think of me, fearing that it would mean I’m more insane than I thought I was, and fearing, honestly, the physical pain. Thankfully, those days have pretty much passed. I’m in a good place now: I’ve found a great boyfriend, my medication is working and steady, and I’ve got a great job. It still rears its ugly head once in a while, but generally, I’m happy.

    This is getting rambly, so I’ll wrap it up. This has taken me close to 40 minutes to write, just so I can make sure that I’ve said everything correctly. And I’ve second guessed posting this many times in that time frame, because, why would someone care about my story, what I have to say? Among the 1500+ comments, mine won’t stand out. And see, these are the types of neurosis that I battle daily. But hopefully you’ll read this and know that you’ve changed my life. Never stop what you’re doing. You help so many people whether you realize it or not. And now I shall resume reading every post you write, and commenting to myself in the shadows.

    Thank you.

  1645. You are such an awesome lady and are so loved by so many. Thank you for being so honest with us, your minions, and letting us in a little more into your life. Your courage in putting this out there is a testament to what a fighter you are. God Bless and Keep you safe in his arms and hold you when times are the darkest. Fight on sister, fight on. May 2012 bri ng you the healing and joy that you deserve. You are the Goddess that most of us wish we could be, even with a little bit of tarnish on your armour.

  1647. Thank you for saying what we all wish we could say. I’m out there wearing a silver ribbon for all of us.

  1648. Depression, I would bet, affects every single person in the U.S., on some level. Perhaps it’s not a personal battle for many, but everybody knows someone who suffers from it on some level. It runs in my family, and my mother and grandmother managed theirs through medication and therapy for most of my life. I’ve been lucky, so far, that I am able to self-manage mine, but it’s not something to be taken lightly, hidden under a box, or considered shameful. It’s there, every day, every night, and it becomes an integral part of who you are. That you wrote the post to begin with took great courage, publishing it a degree of strength that many people have no idea that they even have.

    It doesn’t change who you are, it merely opens a window for your readers to perhaps better understand you. If it changes how they perceive you in a negative way, who needs ’em.

  1649. I read your blog all the time jenny but i rarely comment, i’m not funny or witty or anything like that but this post is so important. I feel how you feel and it makes me feel so good to see someone celebrating the victories that other people take for granted, like not hurting yourself deliberately! I hope some day i can be as open and proud as you are.

  1651. Thank you for putting to words something that I can’t. Depression is a truly hard thing to fight, and you’re right there is a stigma attached that if you admit to it you are weak. But we are not weak, we have faced our demons and come out on the other side. True, we may have to fight those demons more then once, but we will fight them! Thank you for having the strength to speak out about your battle!

  1652. This is my second battle with depression, but never until now saw my last as a won battle. thanks so much, your message has change my way of thinking, I want to feel like a survivor too.

    Thanks for being so brave to share.

  1654. Sitting here with tears in my eyes. Recognising so much of what you wrote from the depression I suffered caused by being out of a job for 1,5 years. Still picking up the pieces and small things can set me back but going up hill still:-)
    So I am wearing a silver ribbon lovely lady!
    You are so brave and lovely. Thank you for sharing this post with us *makes a bow* !
    xoxo

  1655. Depression can suck it.

    Thanks for your honesty and your willingness to put up a fight. Let us know if you need new boxing gloves.

  1656. I am overwhelmed in my heart and still in my mind with the beauty and pain of your story. The beauty of your truth and the strength you have to work hard against the demons blow my mind. You are a survivor and you are BAD ASS!

  1657. Pingback: So here is what’s up… RTT

  1658. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. My 17 year old daughter lives with both depression and bulimia (a type of self injury itself). Not many people understand the day to day struggle that she endures, so when people put themselves out there, like you have done, it makes the fight easier for all of us. A few hours before I read this blog post, I was researching care providers for my daughter (she’s off to college this fall) and came upon a memorial page for those who have died from eating disorders. Your blog post was a reminder that some people *can* live productively with mental illness. You are a gifted, amazing person. It may not help you for me to say this but you do make a difference in people’s lives. Your story about the metal chicken? My friends and I still laugh about it. A few months back we went shopping, lined up all the bags on a bench, took a picture, posted it to Facebook, tagged our husbands and added the caption, “Knock, knock, motherfucker.” It’s our shopping motto and we think of you and your big assed metal chicken every time we swipe our card for something we don’t need, and for that, we thank you.

  1659. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. It helps all of us to remember that we are all connected and all human and we are all affected.

  1661. Bravo! Thanks for writing this a month ago and posting it now. Really, truly connecting with another person–even online–sometimes means sharing our vulnerability. Who wants to be friends with the gal with perfectly white teeth and the rock-hard body? Those are the people we like to loath, but it’s the realness in others that I’ve always been drawn to. Congratulations on your honesty and the outpouring of humanity seen in the comments.

  1662. hey thank you for writting about this I relate to this so much its scary. when I feel the need to cut I remember some of your posts so thank you very much for saving me.

  1663. YOU taught me the mantra “Depression Lies” I have used it many many times to fight off the darkness. It is an excrutiating battle but, as of now, I always make it through. You make a difference Jenny. More than I think you realize.

  1664. beautiful. I’ve spent the last few years coming to terms and learning to deal with becoming disabled from an accident. The depression has been the most disabling. For not only myself, but for others in my life. I keep needing surgeries, thus don’t get the chance to fully become one with my disability. Just when I do, another surgery comes along, and a bout of depression. Thanks for posting this — we talk superficially about depression, but still live amongst too many people who wonder why you can’t “just get over it”. Would we all love for it to be so easy? Glad I was directed to your post. Have a good one, whatever you need that one to be.

  1665. YOU: brave, wonderful, totally YOU.

    We love you just as you are, girlfriend.

    Even your broken bits are fabulous, you bitch 🙂

  1666. I’ve honestly never heard someone put my feelings on paper better than you did, right here in this post. I’ve been struggling with depression since I was little and hid it well enough for people to not know until I overdosed when I was 15. Not to kill myself, but to make the physical pain overwhelm the mental pain. No one understands. I’ve been in one of the worst bouts since the overdose over the last 6 months and it’s all I can do to keep breathing each day and fight to not let it affect my family. I was accepted to a trial with new medication to help with my depression and anxiety and it’s helping, thankfully. I’m glad you are strong enough to post this because I have a similar post sitting in my drafts and haven’t been able to post it. Thanks for being such a strong, amazing, beautiful person. Some of us need to see that. Thank you.

  1667. Jenny, thank you for posting that. I’ve spent years being ashamed of my struggle with depression and self-harm. I managed to somehow fight it on my own. My family is less than supportive, although fortunately I have friends and a boyfriend who love me and try to help me as much as possible. My mom actually openly mocks some of the struggles I’ve had, but I guess she’s just lucky enough that she’s not dealt with it herself and doesn’t understand how difficult the struggle can be. Thank you so much for posting that. It was cathartic to read, and it’s wonderful to know (in a weird, sad way) that someone as successful as you has felt the way that I have. I’m glad that you are surviving, and that we are all surviving.

  1668. Pingback: Happy New Year. « Letters to my Family

  1670. I understand. All of it. You are brave and strong and fighting the good fight for the best reasons, yourself and your daughter. Here is to another day without self-harm, and then another and another. They may not all be in a row, but we are here pulling for you everyday. If it means anything from a stranger on the internet that you have never met, I am sending you hugs and support in a totally non-creepy way.

  1671. I started cutting when I was sixteen, and gradually managed to quit when I was 20. I haven’t cut for seven years and two months, but I still refer to myself (at least, in my mind) as a cutter, because the impulse is still there, and I’m still fighting it.

    I used the same method to quit: counting how many days I could go without, trying to make it a little longer each time. Two days, ten, twenty, then sometimes back to two. But I kept going, and I don’t know if I’ve won, but I don’t physically harm myself anymore, at least.

    You keep going, too. So many of us are fighting the same battle. So many of us are cheering for each other. You go, girl.

  1672. Jenny Lawson. You better fight and celebrate and fight every day because you are a precious human being who touch many people in many ways, more than you will ever know. Don’t you dare fucking give up. You are worth too much. Depression is a bitch and you are a warrior so tell that bitch to piss off and stop listening to her lies. None of it is true. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It takes a hell of a lot more courage and guts to admit what you struggle with than pretend like everything is sunshine and kittens.

    And ditto to EVERYONE else who have depression. Don’t you dare fucking give up. You are worth everything that good and pure and honourable in this world. Don’t give in and don’t give up.

    Jenny – I’m glad you are OK and safe. I hope you will continue to move more and more in the light and away from the darkness. I hope you will lean on your support system and know that they love you and that you are still the same person to them. I will be praying for you – I mean that. Thank you for sharing this.

  1674. I wanted to say thank you for posting this. I suffer from almost crippling anxiety attacks that make me lash out at my husband and daughter and say things that are aweful and hurtful that I should never say. But I dont have a supposrt system, no one to help me threw this as my husband dont understand this and thinks I can just get over it. But seeing there are others out there like me who are hurting, but can find humor and be kind and compassionate helps me…lets me know I am not alone. So again thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

  1675. Came for the big metal chicken, but stayed for the power and honesty of things like this. Somewhere along the way, I found the inspiration to talk to my own doctor about screaming in the dark. So thank you for the laughs, and for the shining example.

  1677. I know you probably wont’ get this far into the comments, but I just needed to take a moment to say “Bravo!”

    I have only dealt with a snippet of depression in my life and it scared the hell out of me because I couldn’t “snap out of it”, so my heart breaks for everyone who battles much bigger demons than mine.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

  1678. Thank you for being so brave. I used to cut myself too. And although I haven’t in a couple of years, I don’t know when or if I will in the future. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life and I am still ashamed to acknowledge it. I don’t want my daughter knowing that I went through this, but moreso, I don’t want her to ever go through it herself. I love reading your blog and I think you are awesome. 🙂

  1679. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.

    Love, hugs, and a glass of wine
    –Jordan

  1680. Wow, it felt so inspriring to read your post, simply because I’ve never voiced (or written) the words you just have. I too suffer from depression and anxiety and a very small and minor form of self-harm that people wouldn’t even notice. It soothes but I want to make it stop. Thank you for posting and I took will proudly wear that silver ribbon!

  1683. You are an amazing writer and this post was written beautifully… thank you. I have always viewed mental health as just a shortness in our body and none of us are perfect and we all have some deficiency – like some bodies need eyeglasses or have allergies/asthma or arthritis, etc. But you really made me aware of the struggle and that there is no proper celebration or even acknowledgement when one recovers.

  1684. You so have it pegged. That we don’t fell celebratory, but are filled with anxiety instead. That we feel guilty for having put our loved ones through it. I know exactly where you are coming from and put it into words so elegantly! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they’ve truly touched me.

    Blessings,
    Kourtney

  1685. I’m so glad to hear you’re leaving the battlefield as the winner yet again. I’m in the midst of yet another fight with my bipolar plus s.a.d. depression, but I’ll keep in mind how much depression lies to us. Thanks for this post, Jenny. Just as soon as I can drag myself to the craft store, I’m going to have one of those silver ribbons.

  1688. Look at this amazing support system you have created! Over 1,600 comments of support – such a beautiful thing. Many of us have been effected by depression, whether that be within ourselves or someone near to us, it is a battle. I have had dark days when physical pain does seem like the best way to numb the mental pain, but with time those feels have went away for me, it has been many years! Keep fighting! We are all wearing our silver ribbons! I know someday you will be able to say that it has been many years for you as well! Just Keep Fighting, you have thousands of soldiers here for support!

  1689. Jenny! We love you!! You ARE a survivor, just like I AM a survivor of eating disorders. I still feel shame sometimes but find the more I talk about it the stronger I become. I fight a huge battle every single day and I just want to shout to the world “Do you understand how fucking strong I am ?? Do you understand what I overcome every single day just to keep myself going?? I am made of fucking STEEL!” Talking about it gives me more of a sense of control and relief. Secrets are hard to carry and being honest just gives me one less burden to carry. To everyone struggling with mental health issues just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that everyday is a new chance to get help, to talk to someone or simply to start over. Love to you all and love to Jenny!!!

  1690. It’s not enough to say “You are still the same person to me.” I mean, you are…but also so much more! Adding the depth of bravery & strength & openness this post represents HAS to add to the “person” I’ve begun to “know” and love – your writings are amazingly inspiring and over-the-top hilarious. I mean come on! I want to be you when I grow up! =)

    I’m sharing this entry with my friends. Several struggle with depression and one that I know of self-harms. Thank you for your bravery & honesty. Know that you have an army of supporters behind you!!

    (((hug & healing vibes))) are being sent your way!!

  1691. Way to go, Jenny! Your emboldened step of self-admittance in the public is both inspiring and empowering! Well done – keep up the good fight!

  1693. Thanks for talking about this so honestly. The more of us who talk about this ugly disease the less stigma there will be attached to mental illness. You’re quite brave. Keep up the good fight.

  1694. Thanks for speaking out for yourself, and others (like me) who fight the battle with depression.

  1695. When people look at me, they see a calm, together woman. A woman who takes care of other people. Fixes problems. Strong, secure. A go- getter. If she has a goal, she works toward it. And she’s always, always in control.

    What they do not see is the woman who cries herself to sleep. Who sometimes battles to do simple things like get off the couch, bathe, eat. Who sometimes thinks that things would just be easier if she didn’t wake up.

    They don’t see that the disciplined lifestyle they admire is just a coping mechanism. The routines, the schedules, the brutal fitness regimen allow me to make it through the day. Deviations? No. I need my routine. Without it, the great winged beast that lives in my chest comes to life and beats its ferocious wings, threatening to choke me.

    Last week, I did something I have never before done. I admitted out loud, to another person, that I sometimes feel like it would be easier to end it than fight my way out of the black abyss I’m drowning in. And it was … okay. She didn’t back away from me. She didn’t look at me like I was an alien. Or somehow less than the person she’s seen me as for the last 28 years.

  1696. I am sharing this victory with you and patting you on the back and standing in your corner cheering “You made it! You beat that fucking bout of depression and you are stronger for it!”
    It is so terrifying and exhausting to fight depression, to fight self harming. I’ve been there and I want you to know I’m in your corner.

  1697. I sent you an email saying how thankful I am and how you’ve just changed my life. Your amazingness can’t be put in words.

  1698. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I feel! I love your blog. It brings humour and hope into my life. Keep it up.

  1699. Thank you so much for writing about this so honestly. I am currently struggling and can never even find the words to talk about it with those closest to me. You inspire me to try to pull myself out of the darkness; I just wish I even knew where to start. Very proud of you.

  1700. I am in awe of your amazing talent and intestinal fortitude. I recently took my alcohol addiction by the balls and am in the process of castrating it, and so, even though the phrase is somewhat worn, I say to you: take it “one day at a time.” A Friend of mine in recovery has a saying that she will just continue to “do the next right thing.” Jenny, just do the next right thing for you – even if it is just hanging on by your fingertips until you can open your eyes again. One last thing – the things you are doing now for yourself have already insured that your daughter will be ok. I wish you the best the universe has to offer. Go get ’em!

  1701. Jenny
    I’m finding this post today and if there isn’t something cosmic speaking to me then I don’t know what it is….Yesterday I was visiting my parents and I told them about your blog. About how funny, open and honest you are. About you are willing to speak, when ready, about your depression. They appreciate that I’ve found you.
    The reason being is that on this January 23rd….just a few short days away…we will be remembering the death of my brother. One year ago on 1/23 my brother committed suicide by shooting himself in the temple. I was there at the hospital as he took is last breath. He, and many members of my family suffer severe depression. Myself included, and dealing the loss of my older brother increased that.
    I too hurt myself, mildly, I too found it difficult many days to say the words aloud that I was just plain fucking sad. Your honesty, your humor and YOU have helped me this past year. Sincerely it really did. I found your blog and for the first time in months after my brothers death I was able to read again. I read your blog. I read as far back as I could. You are funny and so talented. Thank you for being a light for me at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel. You rock sister.

  1702. I consider my depression (dysthymia) to be a chronic disease, similar to my overeating, codependency, money issues and cancer. As such, I approach it one day at a time and use the 12 step support network and
    tools in addition to psychiatric help and medications. Repetition is nature’s form of permanence, so when
    I do what is necessary each day to deal with my depression (anti-depressant meds; therapy; light boxes,
    journaling, phone contact, exercise, meditation and prayer, distraction, service to others) I have another
    day of freedom from its debilitating effects. Hooray!

  1703. Thank you for posting. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety as well. You are not ALONE!

  1705. All too often, the people who have the greatest gift for making the rest of us laugh are crying in private, fighting their demons alone. More power to you, bringing your fight public. We’re rooting for you.

  1706. I admired you from afar, with your brilliant writing and hilarious, infectious humor. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little jealous of Beyonce! After reading your post last night, I looked up at the stars and thought of all the ways we are alike. Thank you for sharing.

  1707. The fact that a friend of mine opened up to me and told me about *her* depression and anxiety issues led me to seeking help for mine. I feel like she pulled me up out of a hole in the ground. “Coming out” about depression is so hard, but I’m proof that you can save someone’s life by doing it. And I have appreciated every reference you’ve made to your own struggle, and this post is fabulous. Thank you.

  1708. Pingback: Detemination and Courage « amberjohnsonsdp

  1709. I cried when I read this. Thank you for putting your struggles (mine,too) into words. You did this illness and all of its survivors a great service. I wish you many happy and safe daysz

  1710. Quite simply: Wow. I had gone back and forth on the notion of even commenting as I sat in utter awe at your words. Through the onslaught of support and love, it occured to me you’d probably never see my response but I felt I needed to share it anyway. Your brilliance, wit, beauty and strength are more inspiring than you’ll possibly ever know. I had all but abandoned writing in my own depression and feelings of insecurity. It was you and your blog that pushed me to continue, albeit to an audience of one. Each day, we take baby steps towards something better and with each of your posts, I find myself smiling (if not downright guffawing) and a little more alive. For that and so much more, Thank you. I am sending all the love, good wishes and comforting hugs across the miles towards your own healing and self-preservation. You are my muse but more importantly, you are YOU.

  1711. I have to admit this is something I do not understand. I am sympathetic, but don’t get it. I was married to a woman who had several issues. Depression being the one that popped up the most. I did my best to help, but was hindered by my lack of understanding. It doesn’t happen to me, so for the longest time, I just thought she needed to get a hold of herself or get over whatever was upsetting her. I am much more understanding now, but don’t know that I will ever ‘get it.’ I pray you find your peace.

  1714. I’ve been struggling with my anxiety over the holidays as I always do. I see people around me sort of twitch. It sucks to know what’s hurting me is hurting them, too, that I make them impatient even when they don’t want to be impatient with me, because that is a normal human response to something bad happening again that seems so controllable to the outside world. Thanks for not hurting yourself. Thanks for telling us. Solidarity.

  1715. I give a pat on the back to you for being honest and brave and lovely. Keep talking, we are all here to listen to you and support you, no matter how far away we are.

  1716. This… brought tears to my eyes. I can’t find the words to express why this had such an effect on me.
    Recently I asked for help from the NHS, and was turned down. Coping on my own has been incredibly difficult, but this post just demonstrates that it can be done. It can.

    Thank you.

  1718. I love you. We all do.
    We value you for the joy and insight you bring us. I know for a fact that you make my life better.

    I know the fight is ongoing. I have a friend that scares me sometimes when he stares into the abyss. I have spent whole nights talking to him on the phone. Five or six hours straight when he is falling apart. And he is still alive.
    So are you.
    We are WINNING.
    The depression tells lies. Ignore it and listen to us. We love you. We want you. We need you.
    The fight is ongoing but we are ahead on points. We’ll win.

  1719. Pingback: JibberJobber Blog » Blog Archive » Job Search Depression. Read This. Pass It On.

  1720. I know I’m just one in a sea of online support you receive from friends, family & fans, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing & speaking out about your mental battle.

    I personally suffer from the internal war of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For years I dealt with the waves of ups & downs brought on by triggers. I didn’t realize until recently how good it is to speak out about the battle that goes on in our mind. And how good it can feel. Especially when loved ones recognize what’s going on and know how to help you when a trigger happens. And at the same time, it is so scary. It’s frightening to think of exposing yourself to the internet.

    Millions of people suffer from that battle through disorders like PTSD, depression, OCD, etc. But only a few, like yourself, can project your battle to the masses & be heard. I can only hope that you reaching out to share your pain will help bring understanding to the millions that suffer privately.

    So once again, thank you.

  1721. Thank you for writing this, for all of us who have to suffer in silence. Well, okay, fine, I couldn’t be silent if I wanted to, but STILL. I just hope that you can remember, in your darkest times, that to so many of us, you are the dose of amazing we can’t get from the people around us. To so many of us, you feel like the family we never had/should have had.

    Big hugs, sweet pea,
    Bad Mama Genny

  1722. You deserve to be proud, I have gone through it only twice but came back stronger and I am not ashamed and would wear the T-Shirt proudly _ WELL DONE AND KEEP THAT HEAD HELD HIGH AS ALL WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH IT DESERVE. Chin up Love n hugs Val xxx

  1723. Focusing on the self-harm part is the only reason I am alive today. I couldn’t fix my head, but I could keep myself away from the items I used to self harm. focusing on that provided me with the thought that I had control of SOMETHING and eventually I was able to feel in control enough to go to my DR and say HEY I am BAT SHIT INSANE can you help me? That was 5 years ago. I am not BETTER (can we ever really get “better”?) but I have been able to handle the passing of my father without sinking into another deep bout of darkness or self-harming. It’s been a year in just 6 days and I feel like I finally have a handle on my own life. Just let me know when & where and I’ll show up with my own Beyonce covered in silver ribbons.

  1724. I, too, suffer rather severely from anxiety and depression (and a rare sleep disorder). I celebrate your survival, and I applaud your courage in telling your tale. I don’t self-harm, but I do have to fight suicidal impulses fairly regularly. Someday, I will probably lose the fight, but until then, I will keep reading your blog and laughing at your humor, and I will use your survival as an inspiration to help keep me going through the dark times.

    Thank you.

  1725. You are even more talented and inspiring than ever. I wish you all the best in fighting this battle. Thank you for sharing something so personal and challenging and misunderstood.

  1726. Thank you for sharing honestly, Jenny. I have never met you, most likely never will, but I admire your efforts to educate and amuse the world. My heart goes out to you in your pain and I’ll celebrate with you in your, silent until now, triumph.

  1727. Thank you for telling another piece of your story. Capturing just a moment in your time must have been challenging. I, too have suffered from (albeit, temporary…I hope) depression, PTSD, and general “My-life-is-so-fucked-up-how-did-I-get-here-disorder”. And, through all of the abuse I have suffered, I still managed to make it look like the outside of a nice store window. People love to window shop, but they rarely come inside; nor did I often open my doors, not even to myself. And one of the ways I got through it was to write. Every time, some new horrific thing would surface, I saw it in graphic images and drowning color. Flashbacks and panic attacks would hit me like lightning…right in the middle of teaching a lesson to second graders, even. And, for me, it was temporary. I still struggle, but not like before. I cannot fathom fighting this battle every day like you and many of your readers, but I have had a bitter taste of the overwhelming debt it lays upon your spirit. Live well Jenny. Love well. Be well. -With much admiration, Another Jenny

  1728. I know all too well what you’re going through. I’ve battled depression my entire life, though I’ve only been getting treatment since 1998. I’ve gone through some really dark periods in my life where I felt I’d never be able to climb out of the black hole of depression. The few times I almost thought I was out I’d slide back in again and have to start all over.

    Now I’m doing better – sort of. I’ve gotten to where I can’t predict how I’m going to react to a situation. Sometimes I’m fine with something and other days the same thing can be the end of the world. Despite having a Bachelor’s Degree I’ve never managed to get away from working at McDonald’s. About a year and a half ago I asked our Store Manager if I could be kept strictly in the grill area since I was having trouble and I didn’t want to go off on a customer. Luckily he’s understanding about depression so he agreed but I had so much trouble from everyone else at work who couldn’t understand it.

    They would try to force me to go up front and it was practically a daily fight with them. One day I ended up in the back crying until they finally sent me home. I couldn’t stop and that’s so embarrassing. Especially when you’re around people that don’t get it. Even the people who said they understood didn’t really. They were really understanding until my depression became an inconvenience for them and then they just expected me to “suck it up.” Believe me, I’d suck it up if I could. Being this much of a mess really sucks. Getting upset and crying in front of everyone at work really sucks. Especially since once the tears start it takes me forever to calm down. I hate not being in control of myself. It sucks even more when I come out of it because even I can’t understand why I got so upset. It sounds stupid to me so how can I expect other people to understand?

    What sucks is it took people finding out that I have Cancer – I found out in August though I’ve apparently had it for years – to keep me in grill area finally. Since my immune system is shot they can’t have me dealing with people and possibly getting sick.

    My cancer is stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and it’s the slow growing type. Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of how I’m handling it. The only reason it seems that way is I don’t want my family to worry. They’ve already seen several family members die from Cancer so I act like things are better that what they are. That puts a huge amount of pressure on me to be okay.

    The good news is my cancer is responding well to treatment so far. I really haven’t been getting sick at all which is weird given that I’ve been around lots of healthy people that have been sick several times and I’ve managed not to get it.

    With the exception of my horrible reaction to my first treatment the cancer hasn’t been that bad. I’m not sick, my hair isn’t coming out. I do feel tired all the time, but I was already like that so that’s not something new. I just thought it was the depression doing it to me before. The drugs have made me more tired and I can’t work very many hours now but otherwise it’s fine.

    The depression bothers me far worse than the cancer, at least so far. My worry now is strangely that if the cancer goes away everyone will expect me to work with the customers again and I just can’t do that. I have nightmares about it. I even had a nightmare about having a panic attack the other night. I don’t have those often but they aren’t fun at all. I just wish depression was something they can wrap their head around like they can cancer.

    It sucks when nobody understands what you’re going through so you act like you’re fine on Facebook and Twitter. I never post how I really feel. Most people who know me would have no idea I have depression. Why? Because I avoid people these days. I go to work, run to the store if I really have to go on my way home, and then I stay home. I don’t leave my house unless it’s absolutely necessary. Part of it is I’m tired from my treatments but most of it is I’m hiding from the world so I don’t have to deal with the fact that they don’t understand me.

    Which doesn’t mean I’m all gloom and doom. This message it just highlighting all the bad things I’m going through since I don’t have anyone in my life that I can share those with – except my psychiatrist and even he doesn’t know about me not getting out. I kinda skim over that when I talk to him unless he happens to catch me when I’m having one of my really bad days.

    So thanks for sharing your story. It helps to hear about others going through the same thing. Especially since they’re so articulate. My hope is that more people will start to understand depression and that maybe one day people won’t be treated horribly for not being “Normal”. Frankly as much as I hate depression I don’t want to be normal. I think my illness helps me get inside other peoples heads to look at their point of view better. I’m more accepting of people that are different. I understand that we are all complex individuals and that some people are just better than others at doing certain things. I really get how strong we have to become in order to survive depression, especially since we get no recognition of our strength from anyone.

  1729. Pingback: Let’s Talk about Getting Help « Young Adult Debauchery

  1730. Thankyou for being a voice for the secret fighters, who wear their harshest scars on the inside.
    Thankyou.

  1732. I’ve never met you, nor do I know you personally, but as a fellow-sufferer the only thing I can think of to say is this: I love you.

  1733. When I had clinical depression with panic attacks in my twenties, I thought it was just that I was crazy. It wrapped destructive tendrils through every moment and tried to destroy me.
    But I come from stubborn stock. I decided that it was not going to win. I survived. I ripped it out root and branch. And then I salted the ground. I watch for it and it will never get that hold again.

    And my family never knew.

    They know now. And are surprised an sad that I was such a good actor.

    Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop talking. Whisper when you must, shout when you can. It’s a bastard – and you can beat it.

  1734. Thank you for sharing this. I used to cut in high school and find that even in my 30s it finds its way back to the surface. Between that and my eating disorders no one really understands, and it is completely embarrassing to even try to talk about with my closest friends. Being alone in the darkness only makes it worse…Reading this post brought me to tears. Thank you.

  1735. I found your blog a few months ago and now I look for new posts everyday. I became a cancer survivor at age 36 and two years later, I am still trying to survive my depression. Thank you for your post, I think it does make a difference to know that we are not alone and that we are winning battle all over the place!

  1736. After a full ten years in remission (!) I am here to promise you that it does get better and this is a fight you can win. As the mother to a child with an impulse control disorder, I sobbed. Kudos to you for showing your daughter what a strong woman looks like. I am tired of fighting (for myself and my sweet child) in silence. How can I help you?

    With love from a total stranger.

  1737. Jen,

    What an amazing post. I’m inspired by your strengeth and bravery to be so open about your situations as well as the clarity you have about it. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Martin

  1738. I’ve said for years, after my own battle, that depression is a disease of hopelessness. I’m one of the fortunate ones. Mine appears to be caused by hormonal imbalance, which is easily treatable with medication. My doctor indicated I should stay on it always, and I do. The only times I went off, I immediately became irritable and difficult to be around, affecting my family and work. Fortunately, I recognized the need to stay on the medication. Sadly, there is still such a stigma attached to any signs of *mental illness* that people will not seek out the help that they need. Good on you for your openness and honesty. Keep fighting the good fight.

  1739. Thanks for writing this, knowing that zillions of people will read it, and many of them will know and feel what you are talking about. I couldn’t get along without my happy pills every day, and it really is so comforting to red other people talk about their fights.

  1740. You’re the best Jenny, the best! Kinda like Seinfeld, but you’re not Jerry, but you’re way better than Jerry, kinda like that! Sometimes I sing the song, “Sabotage,” by The Beastie Boys (in my head, of course, like now) and that helps me get through some dark moments (some, I said). And, apparently, I really like parenthesis.
    Hope you laughed and know, you are not (even close–had to throw one more in there) alone!

  1741. I am happy that you are feeling better and I thank you and commend you foer being brave enough to post about it. I also suffer from depression, anxiety and lack of self worth. I eat my pain away…..I also am working on getting better and loving myself enough to take care of myself. We can all do this together. And I agree that we do need a ribbon for mental illness awareness. Silver would be perfect. I like shiny things – & I would be proud to wear one! Stay strong.

  1743. Pingback: If Only You Had Known | Planet Mom

  1746. I like the silver ribbon idea. I’d wear one… God knows there is no reason for smart, hysterical women like us to suffer in silence any longer.

    Fight.

  1747. You have written so eloquently about a battle that so many of us do, or have, faced. I appreciate so much the point you make about being a survivor of a battle few will openly pat us on the back for conquering. Thank you for pairing words with the experiences very few can make sense of.

    Congratulations on your victory. It is well won.

  1749. In a sea of comments, I’ll add another cheer to you.
    Reading this made me hurt. Made me cry. Made me want to hide under my bed until the end of the world. But for me, not for you.
    Reading this made my heart smile and gave me hope that one day I will be better. It made me realize that I was sick a lot longer than I ever gave credence to.
    I’ve long felt that I am weak. Weak because I feel this way. Weak because it won. Weak because I can’t fight back. I will make it through… I will.
    Thank you for sharing it. I know it’s hard.

  1750. I swear it feels like you wrote that post right out of my head. From someone who has looked up from what feels like the bottom of a well through what seems to be hundreds of feet of water weighing down on you – You deserve to crow about that victory! That shit doesn’t come cheap.

    And thanks for sharing. That’s brave.

  1751. Thank you for sharing. I loved reading this today. It was really encouraging to know that I am not alone in my struggiling. That it’s not something that just happens to people who aren’t getting help, but that depression is still a fight for those who have actively admitted it and are getting help.

  1752. Someday, I will brave enough for the battle-cry. Until then, I will continue to fight, fiercely, but silently.

  1753. Say this out loud: “Don’t believe everything that you think. ”
    Repeat as necessary.

    Scott (fellow depression/anxiety sufferer)

  1754. I love you for writing this. (I know that’s weird. I can’t make it not weird.)

    Thank you. You are so brave.

  1756. Great and brave post to do.

    Been there, battled it, kicked it’s big ass back to where it belongs.

    Not a fun place to be, but surprising how many others suffer in silence with it. Good job getting this out there in front of those who matter. Troy

  1758. Jenny, I feel so many things reading this. This time of year always makes it so hard to talk about anything without crying, but I just really need to say that I hope you realize how much you help us with your honesty and courage. Just knowing that someone like you, who is so funny and talented and wonderful can be overwhelmed by the same types of things that I feel, makes it easier to remember that it’s an illness, not something I’m doing wrong. I made a sign out of the phrase ‘Just remember that depression lies to you.’ It expresses so well exactly what I feel. It’s really helping me cope this winter better than I have ever been able to. Reading all the comments and seeing how many people have similar problems, or understand those who do has made such a difference for me. So I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to so many people and how much you’re helping. We love you, Jenny, and we’re proud of you for being so courageous and for working so hard to beat this. It has helped me be more honest with my family about exactly what I’m feeling, so they don’t feel like it’s their fault, but just something I need to get through, and their love and support is all they can do. You’ve helped me feel proud that I get through it every year, instead of ashamed that I have to. Thank you, Jenny. I’ll hold you in my thoughts always.
    And I definitely want a silver ribbon!

  1759. Jenny,
    As a significant other of someone who self-harms from time to time, I just wanted to say – thanks for sharing your struggle. I like the silver ribbon idea but in the underground secret society sense, not in the pinkwashing big-money Breast Cancer sense, you get me?

    I wish our society would get better about talking about mental health stuff. For years, my family would say “therapy’s for people who are sick, and we’re not sick.” It took me getting a panic attack on the way to work and a five-day agoraphobic stint thereafter for any of us to cut through the bullshit. It also was hilarious in hindsight later on when I had a panic attack while meditating (!) – afterward my psychiatrist and I just sat back and laughed at the symphony of all jacked up.

    Take good care. Whatever that needs to looks like. Just don’t be mean and remember that whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother, you should be stayin’ alive.

  1760. Hi Jenny! I came to your blog today for a pick me up and got more than I expected. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and I feel ashamed and like you suffer in silence. I cried when I read this because I didnt feel so alone anymore. I do feel ashamed. I am so grateful to you to you for posting this and now I may be able to use your words to describe how I feel when I can’t find my own. I began treatment his past month and hope to start seeing results soon. I do feel like I’m slowly dying insde, but you’re honesty gave me a little more of my life back.

  1761. It took me like six minutes to get to the bottom of the page to post this comment. That’s how many people you have on your side.

    I also have anxiety and depression and I thank you for writing about this.

  1762. Congratulations on winning your most recent battle. You are still the same person to me. A person who brings light and laughter into my life. A person who helps me fight my battle with depression when it comes around. Thank you for beating this again.

  1763. I tip my hat to you, Jenny Lawson.
    Well, I would if I was wearing a hat.
    Why are we so hard on ourselves? I get down and then I get mad at myself for being down. Like, I need to be a better person/mom/wife/employee/daughter/sister/friend. I shouldn’t be like this. Something’s wrong with me.

    We are wonderful, depression is a bad, bad bitch.

  1764. So, thanks for posting this (along with all the well wishes from the commentors). As someone who just had to go back on medication for another bought of depression, I can relate. In fact I’ve gotten to the point that I think “suiciadal thoughts, naw…no biggie, get them all the time, but I would never act on them” and then everyone freaks out because I had suicidal thoughts. Yes they are serious, but I’ve gotten so used to ignoring them (along with a sure knowledge that it would cause far more harm for myself and everyone I care about, then any ill-percieved benifit), that they’re are no longer any big deal to me personally.

    Keep fighting the good fight, I consider depression the “black ops” of desease fighting. because no one will ever know.

  1765. Thank you for this one. I am just poking my head out of one of my worst bouts of depression, and my lasted 2 weeks as well. Talk about not feeling normal and experiencing so many mood swings that I felt like I was on the Monkey Bars, each mood changing with a swing of my arm to catch the next handle and hold on for dear life. Hoping I can repair the damage I have done, but couldn’t help but do. Does anyone understand that?

  1766. Thank you and bless you. I, too, fight the battle against anxiety and depression. I know how it feels to keep it from everyone. I have decided that depression doesn’t mean I am weak. I don’t know what it does mean, but I can only move one step at a time. You’re not alone, and neither am I.

  1767. I celebrate your three days. I celebrate the days in between when you don’t feel up to celebrating because I believe in your ability to find your way out. I celebrate every time it’s a little easier to pull yourself out. I celebrate you when it’s hard because you try anyway.

    Here’s to a sea of silver ribbons.

  1768. WOW. I’m so proud to “know” you…even if I just know you through your blog. You’re so strong. Stay strong and know that so many people are pulling for you. Hugs!

  1769. Awesome. Just plain awesome. As a silent survivor myself, I know how hard it must have been to write this. Then publish it. Then await the onslaught of comments. Jenny, you are a rockstar. The reason why shame around depression and anxiety is finally dissipating is because people like you write things like this. I imagine someone who is suffering stumbling upon this blog post and realizing that she is not alone, and that she is not a freak, and that she is not a horrible person – that her pain and suffering is caused by a medical disorder that can be treated. And that there is NOTHING wrong with that.

    I’m ready to don my silver ribbon and join the celebration.

  1770. brave warrior, you are amazing! You have brightened my world with your ability to be smart, funny, creative & find bad ass pinterest pins. I want a silver ribbon, i bet i can find one on pinterest!!! Keep on keeping on mother fucker!

  1771. Fantastic post! I’ve never dealt with severe depression, but I went through a season where I had anxiety/panic attacks nearly every day. It passed, and I’ve not had anxiety that severe since, but it allows me to be able to see a little bit of what it is like to live that away. I celebrate your victory! Even if it happens again, each time you come back out should be celebrated.

  1772. I am now where you were a few months ago. I have been here for eight months. I am on my third doctor. I am on my sixth medicine. I don’t know when my husband’s patience is going to run out. I don’t know when mine will, either.

    I have a hard time believing any of this will ever make me stronger.

    I don’t know how to end this comment on an uplifting note.

  1773. I can see that you have so many wonderful supporters. This is the first time I have been to your blog but I will be a regular reader from here on. I admire you for your honest about depression and the self-harm. I myself suffer from major clinical depression and my 17 year-old cut herself for the longest time. She has not done so in several years but we all know she could relapse and we work hard to keep that from happening.

    You are brave and strong! Keep believing!
    Kristin

  1774. Jenny, thank you for sharing this. I helps to hear that others are going through the same struggles, and to have a reminder of what it feels like to be on the other side. I’m glad you are doing better, and I really hope that things continue to improve for you. You should feel proud – it is a difficult battle, and you are winning.

    2011 was a really rough year for me (Depression and PTSD, a winning combination), and I think the hardest part is that I can’t just tell people to give me a break because I’m feeling like the sky is falling today. Four people have come into my office today, talking about what a great year 2011 was for me (and it was, professionally), and how they expect great things from me in 2012 – and I just have to smile and go along with it, knowing that I’m far from digging myself out of my deep, dark hole, and 2012 will probably be another really rough year. And none of them will ever know, because I will still show up and kick ass at my job and take care of my family and all the other things I have to do. But each day will feel so hard, and I will struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and a lot of days we will have takeout for dinner just because I don’t feel up to cooking and some days I will cry in the car all the way to work, and will constantly be waiting for that looming something to finally get me. My only goal for 2012 is to get better, because I’m tired and I don’t want to do this anymore.

  1775. Thank you for sharing this and for sharing yourself with us every single day. I know from first-hand experience what you’re going through and continue to battle. Those dark thoughts are crippling, for sure and this community is a great place to turn to since there are so many others who hold their breath with anticipation, hoping to wake up in a different place and open our eyes to a brighter tomorrow…you’re a strong person, an amazing friend and a wonderful mother. Keep doing what you do best, being YOU.

    *hugs xoxoxoxoxo

  1776. Wonderful post. You will help so many with your words, your strength and your honesty.

  1777. Thank you so much for sharing your story. So many of us suffer from depression and too many of us keep it quiet. It’s people like you who are brave enough to write about it that allow the rest of us to take a deep sigh of relief and know we are not alone … we will be OK.

  1778. Oh young one, I hardly know what to say.
    You’ve always been so good at hiding most of that from people. You’re really brave to bring it into the light where others can see and know they’re not alone. I went off my meds about 18 months ago, thinking I should just be able to pull up my big girl panties and deal with life on my own. I’m not a wuss, I thought.

    But after crying almost every day for a year I finally said “fuck it.” and went back on them a few months ago. Best decision I ever made. A week after starting them my tears went away and haven’t returned.

    I finally realized that it had nothing to do with being strong or weak. For me it’s like oxygen, just something I need to survive. Hold you head up high. You’re a winner.

  1779. You are amazing. Depression sucks ass — I know from experience! You are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

  1780. Jenny, as someone with two sisters who are bi-polar, I have tried to write about the lack of attention to disorders like these . . . except my own mother will disown me if I publish under my real name because of the stigma. You are brave for doing this. I have watched lives destroyed due to little support as a result of a lack of awareness and understanding.

    Depression and related disorders/issues/illnesses–whatever you want to call them–don’t have a poster child, the NIMH is severely under-funded (Who donates to them? Where’s their telethon? Who’s signed up to Race for Their Cure lately?), and we are on the verge of an epidemic. Thank you for speaking out. I support you in your fight; let me know if there’s ever anything I can do to help.

  1781. You should be very proud and I’d be happy to wear a silver ribbon. **hugs** keep fighting!!

  1783. Thank you for writing this! I have been fighting the battle against depression since before I was even old enough to spell “diagnosis”. You are entirely correct, it definitely is a disease that has to be fought bravely back into remission when it flares up. I love that you have framed it this way. It really does help to see it as an invading disease that needs to be fought. Thanks for contributing to awareness and for writing words that others aren’t brave enough to put out there.

  1784. Thank you! Thank you for being, thank you for fighting, thank you for speaking out. Like many others, I feel like you’ve taken the words right out of my heart. And you know what I do when I beat a round of depression? I crank the volume up on my car stereo and belt out the words to Melissa Etheridge’s I Run for Life–because that song works for people wearing silver ribbons, too!

  1785. You are going to be ok! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep taking one breath after the other. And when you have the urge to hurt yourself, think of your daughter and the healthy person she wants to be.

  1786. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have shared this with two very special young ladies who self-harm and whose parents watch closely and stop breathing often. My own daughter shows these signs and tendencies, and comes from a long lineage of crazy, including yours truly. My hope is that for the next generation, the issues of depression and anxiety are spoken of freely and treated adequately. You are a pioneer, Jenny, and we love you for it.

  1787. This is a award winning post because what you did with this writing, is possible save lives. That deserves
    a purple heart, and silver ribbons.

    I currently am fighting cancer, but your fight is harder in some respects. People “feel sorry for me” that is the
    general public. Yes i fight each day, but I know people with depression fight just as hard if not harder.

    I hope we all can feel safe to talk about our medical DX’s.
    Jenny-you are the bomb-diggity-bomb

  1788. Jenny,

    I used to self-harm as well, and for many of the same reasons that you do sometimes. Though it has been many years since I have done so, the compulsion is often still there, and I still battle it more often than I’d like to admit … even to myself.

    Still … I resist self-injuring (at least with cutlery) at all costs, because I also have a seven year-old daughter, and I don’t need her seeing this. I have not self-injured once since she was born, though there have been some occasions where I was beyond tempted. Despite the fact that she’s never seen me do this, however, she has already scared the crap out of me by scratching herself badly a couple of times when *she* was really upset, so I know the tendency is there in her, even without my influence. (In her own words, it’s better for her to hurt herself than to hurt the people that she loves … and somehow, she seems to think that being brutally honest about how she feels when she is stressed is going to hurt people. Although I have sat her down several times and explained to her that being honest over feeling stressed or hurt by another person’s actions is not wrong or cruel, she just can’t bear to hurt someone else’s feelings, no matter what. We’re looking into therapy for her for this as we speak.) But I know all too well how people pull away from you when you try to explain it or talk about it to them.

    The only people who truly understand are those who have done it themselves … and there are a hell of a lot more of us out here than you think, Jenny. Deliberate self-harm takes many guises, and it’s up to us to really be able to realize in ourselves how it manifests in our particular lives. Whether you’re a cutter (like I was), an over-eater (like I often am), a self-starver, a skin picker, a relationship saboteur, or one of those people who starts fights in order to push someone away before they can get close enough to hurt you … we all know that we do it. The question is: If you realize that this action is your way of punishing yourself, what is it going to take to get you to stop?

    When are you going to accept yourself for who you are, instead of always slamming yourself down and acting like you’re a disappointment to the world? It’s a tough one to answer, and the reply will be different for every one of us. I know, because I fight this battle every day. I tend to over-eat now, as opposed to cutting, but honestly? It still severely damages my life and greatly affects the way I think about myself. This is something I just fully realized over this past weekend. So … yeah … I need to sit down and take stock of my own life, and figure out why I’m doing this to myself.

    Bravo to you for being so willing to talk about it out loud. I’ve not met too many other self injurers who are so openly willing to discuss this subject other than myself. I’m sorry that things have been so rough for you lately … and beyond happy that you’re finding your way back into the sun. Welcome back, Sweetheart. We’re glad you’re still here.

  1789. This post is amazing. So brave and honest. I still hear people describe depressive and self-harming behaviour as selfish – and it’s hard to deny that on one level it is – but it’s so hard to make people who haven’t been there understand that what appears to be selfishness is really just a feeling of total isolation.

    I am glad that you are starting to feel better and am so pleased that you felt able to press publish on this post.

    Thank you xx

  1790. You are such an amazing writer. Thank you for being brave and giving a voice to everything I’ve felt.

    I am happy right now. I feel solid, strong, secure, but I know that my depression can rise up at any moment and choke the normalcy right out of me. Reading your post and all these glorious, supportive comments give me hope. I am not alone. I, too, am a warrior. Surviving each day adds to my happiness and so do all of you out there, surviving anonymously beside me.

  1791. I am so happy of knowing you through this means of the internet. Somebody put your twitter post and immediately wanted to read more. I suffer from depression since I am a child being abounded by both parents, and later a husband kidnapped my children and so forth…. Story long, I am battling now for the last 8 months and I don’t seems to find support around me. Your blog make me feel a little bit like I found a the support I was looking for and to know they are out there people like me suffering this horrible illness. God bless you and thank you again.

  1792. It’s almost like I sneak out at night and write half of these posts myself… Hang in there girl- if you will, then I will too.

    🙂

  1794. I believe this is comment number 1725. Take a moment and know there are that many people in the world and many more who identify with your struggle. Know that sharing this really does help others. Thank you for your candidness.

  1795. I remember when I had three days without drinking and everyone at an AA meeting clapped for me. Didn’t yet understand the significance of it. The tiny moments are the most important. I’m 57 now. 28 years away from a drink. 37 years removed from an illegal substance. 20+ years away from practicing an eating disorder. Five years past menopause and six months past the death of my dear sister/friend who self-medicated and never healed.
    Jenny, I love your sense of humor; that is what I am looking forward to when I read your website. But Jenny, I love YOU even more for who you are. I don’t care if I never read another funny word again if you and victor and haley ( oh God, PLEASE let that be the right name–I can’t change windows on this iPad without the risk of losing all that I’ve typed.) are at peace and free to enjoy each other. Abundant Blessings to your daughter, husband and you.
    BTW, I had children as I walked through much of my recovery and they never struggled with these problems like i did because we all got well together. I love you. Luly.

  1796. Me again. Forgot to add that I am only a year and a half removed from my last depression; still on meds. (that was my all-inclusive reference to menopause– there actually IS no “pause”) but what a difference depression makes when you have learned new ways to cope!

  1797. Your blog has been such a source of hope for me since I discovered it in the summer.
    Your words have often made me laugh on days when I’ve spent hours crying, and the strength you so often show has inspired me.
    About a year ago, I finally admitted to someone that I self-harm, and saying it to just that one person was scary for me, so I admire you even more for having the guts to share this with so many.
    Take care of yourself, you truly are an incredible person.
    B xx

  1798. Our weaknesses are ultimately our strengths.

    With the reach that you have and the obvious admiration of so many you have no idea how amazing and important it is that you shared this.

    For yourself, the fact that you can say these things out loud without running screaming from the room is an achievement that sadly not many will ever achieve.

    Were it not for your personal struggle you would not understand nor have the strength and courage to give it a face.

    That takes balls.

    I aplaude you, your journey and your willingness to give hope to others by sharing all of it.

    Welcome back.

  1799. You are not the same person. For publishing this, you are a hell of a lot stronger. I have so much respect for you!

  1800. My dear, my dear, my dear,
    I had no idea since I don’t follow twitter. I hospitalized myself in November for depression (one I couldn’t get a grip on for two years). I was misdiagnosed in 1993 and not on the proper medication. Somehow, I managed for over twenty years until I couldn’t any longer.
    Keep up on your meds and therapy and read as much as you can about our disease. This too may be important for your daughter since there is a genetic component involved. We are with you. You are never alone regardless of how the disease will try and convince you you are.
    Many Hugs ~

  1802. Pingback: A-may-zing. | Eggs In A Row

  1803. A dear friend sent me this blog today. I am back at work after 6 months of medical leave including 30 days of hospitalization. I went through the same battle in 2002 when I was out of work for 15 months. I am very fortunate because my employer held my job for me both times so I have insurance. I also have a very supportive family and supportive friends. Still no one can understand if they haven’t been there. How can I explain mental pain? How can I explain that my treatment includes ECT that has caused significant memory loss? Who can understand that my 30 lb weight loss is because I didn’t eat. I praise God that I am better now and able to function in the real world. May God bless you and all those who suffer from this terrible affliction. Don’t give up the fight.

  1804. I haven’t read all of the 1725 comments, but I’m sure a lot of them say things like, “I understand! It’s my struggle too!” and “Way to go, you survivor!”

    But in case that’s not the case …
    I understand.
    It’s my struggle too.
    Way to go, you survivor.

  1805. You show so much strength and courage – I really admire you. I know that this far down in the comments you will probably never see this, but I hope you feel the love and positive energy everyone feels for you. I suffer with a form of depression. And I’ve never said it to anyone. I do everything I can to push it down and not deal with it. I have days where I have to convince myself that someone would care if I wasn’t here. It’s hard and I don’t always believe it. But I keep on fighting. I don’t tell anyone. It scares me too much. And I’m afraid of the repurcussions. So I admire you more then you can ever know that you have the courage to talk about it. And I’m so happy you have such a strong support system that you can lean on when you need to. You are blessed any many ways – though I know that’s hard to see. Keep on fighting. Keep on bringing light to this. Just keep on being you. You bring so much joy to so many people. And we all love you very much.

  1808. Oh My! Look what you did!! I think you started a movement with this post! I started out to tell you how brave you are, and everything else that has been said 1725 times, and found that it doesn’t need to be repeated. Your story touched everyone who read it and now you and everyone else knows that none of us are islands. There is support and help to be found.

  1809. Thank you for sharing this with us. Although I am my own worst enemy mentally, I have never self-harmed physically. But I have a deep understanding of where you are coming from. I am very fortunate in that my deep, dark, dismal most black of black depths, during which suicide was certainly considered as an option, was ultimately diagnosed as a thyroid disorder/disease. Left untreated, it could have wound up killing me before a lot longer. But once it was diagnosed and a few pills a day began to take over and correct the imbalance, life, in general, became a lot more livable. This is not to say that I never again suffered from depression, but rather, that it became a much less severe issue, and far less frequent.

    With all the doctors you have seen, I am going to ASSUME that you have had your thyroid hormone levels checked somewhere along the way and had this ruled out. But if I’m wrong, PLEASE look into it. It’s incredibly important.

    We love you, even when you are sad. Try to remember that. You are incredibly important to us……even when you are not funny. I hope that you will soon find the answers that you need to be able to kick the recurring depression. And maybe, just maybe, when she is a little older, you might want to consider NOT hiding your depression from Hailey. I tried to do that with my daughter for so long, that when she started her own adult battle of SEVERE depression, she followed my lead and told no one until it was so severe that she finally “lost it” at work one day and had to be sent for medical attention. She learned that from me—the hiding it part that is. Our children see far more than we give them credit for. I WISH now that I had been more open with her about my battles. Then perhaps she could have been more open later, about hers. She is very fortunate that the first medication she got on quite literally changed her life. It eliminated her high-strung anxiety issues and depression in one fell swoop. Her husband hopes they will keep her on this med permanently. I ponder how much better of a life she would have had if she had gotten on it sooner—years sooner.

    Here’s hoping the New Year will bring medical breakthroughs that will make just as much difference in your life! I toast you, with Pepsi!

  1810. I just read this quote from a person at work, “So look here young lady, there is only time enough to iron your cape and back to the skies for you!” I like this one better than most of the other ‘buck up’ sayings. It makes me feel stronger:)

    good luck in your fight. I’m right in the trenches with you. Personally I may be functioning but I by no means feel happy, joyous, or free. It seems like my triggers are multiplying and everywhere I look. But, I’m trying to suit up and show up and so far that’s keeping this latest bout of depression at bay, that and lots and lots of LOL cats.

  1813. Singing the song with you. Silver ribbons? I’m all over it. I am going to look for silver ribbon today. As a doctor, btw, you would be amazed by the number of people who are on medications for depression and/or anxiety. It’s a hat trick to find the right med on the first try. But easily 1/3 of my brand-new patients are on some kind of medication. We need silver ribbons to celebrate the small victories. Thank you Bloggess, for sharing. And thanks to therapy, I’ve dragged myself out of the sticky sticky molasses of my own depression, because many days it feels like I’m walking through molasses. Some days, it was ankle high – some days, hip high — some days, it was just under my nose, high. It takes work to get through it. It takes courage. It takes the right combo of talking and acceptance and sometimes better living through chemistry. Take care. I love you.

  1814. I don’t have much to say except that I love you so hard for this. I’ve had a recent problem with depression (doc says stress + quitting smoking + coming down too fast off the drugs that helped me quit caused an imbalance, PLUS a possibility of hereditary hypothyroidism – perfect storm, right?) and while it’s not nearly as bad as you experience, it has certainly helped me appreciate the battles that you and others with depression fight through. You’re awesome and brave, and I hope that the demons stay away so that you can embrace yourself as you deserve.

  1815. You are an amazing survivor, and you inspire so many people, including me. You are so strong and beautiful and valuable. Thank you for who you are and you courage in sharing yourself with us.

  1816. There were 1728 comments before mine, all filled with love and admiration for you. Please allow me to be the 1729th person to say that you are a wonderfully strong person who has made a difference in so many lives. Just keep being who you are and we’ll keep loving you.

  1817. Heart racing, and sweating of the hands and underarms to where I can’t shake anyone’s hands. I have had numerous doctors give me medications to cope, however the best thing that works is exercise. The medications make you sleepy and the best advice is to take a stress test by your doctor.
    Richard Wenston
    anxietydrugstore.wordpress.com

  1818. Three years ago I cut my hair so short I couldn’t twine it around my fingers anymore.

    One day I was vacuuming my apartment and made my way behind my side of the couch and found a pile of hair beside the armrest. There would be days I would sit, curled up in a ball in front of the television running my fingers through my hair, slowly plucking it out, strand by strand. It was nearly subconscious as my mind ran in circles over the things going wrong in my life. My boyfriend that sat silently on the other end of the couch ignoring my struggles, the piles of work to be done for classes that were necessary for me to graduate from college, the depression that lied and told me that I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t deserve better. The tiny prick of pain with each hair pulled soothed me and distracted me from what seemed like a world gone out of control.

    The day I found the pile of hair behind the couch I ran my fingers over my scalp and felt the bristles of the hair growing back in the bald spots I had created. The next day I went to supercuts and cut it all off.

    I went through 3 major depressions that lasted for months in under 2 years. By the last one I was so highly strung, so depressed that I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to unzip my skin at the spine and step out of it. I finally got back in therapy and got on meds.

    It’s been six months and my hair is down to my chin. I can easily wrap it around my fingers. There are no bald patches or piles of hair hiding in the places I can’t see. Life is far from perfect but my perspective is better and I’m not suffering alone. My friends know what I go through and they listen patiently to every melt down. My family holds my hand and comes to rescue me in the middle of the night when I need them.

    Thank you for sharing, Jenny. You don’t know what an inspiration you are. No matter what lies your depression tells you.

  1819. I’ll add my voice the choir and say “thank you!” for showing us that what too many ignorant people see as weakness is in fact a struggle that takes amazing strength to survive. Thank you for having the courage to face those that will never understand. That kind of honesty is inspiring.

  1820. Thank you for sharing this. I am a child of parents who were born in the early twenties and there were so many things that wasn’t talked about or acknowledged and everyone was expected to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and carry on. When my mother was depressed our family didn’t know or understand what was happening. It wasn’t until she was in bed, emotions coming to the surface, that she started talking about dying by her own hands. I told her to go to the doctor. Thankfully she did and she got the help she needed.

    I am unable to work due to a chronic illness. I now have situational depression because of it and S.A.D., just for good measure. I sometimes wonder if I will travel the same road as my mother as I get older. I hope not. I know that depression is waiting in the shadows and that it can be very patient. But I have knowledge that my mother didn’t have so many years ago and I am able to help myself at an earlier stage.

    Hugs to all of us. It is a battle but it is a battle worth fighting.

  1822. Jenny, from one depression battle victor to another — keep up the good fight! I have fought depression most of my adult life, not actually being diagnosed though until I was in my mid-30s. Although I cannot relate to the self-harm, I do not judge because we all deal in different ways. You, my dear, are fighting bravely and I’m so proud of you! You are right…when I was able to speak openly about my depression — bring it to the light — I started to feel more strongly about victory! Your loyal readers will always stand by you and you will WIN!!

  1823. For a couple of weeks, months even, your phrase ‘depression is a lying bastard’ has been my battle cry. I use it to remind myself that this is somewhere I’ve been before even though it feels as if it has become a 100 times worse – and it works. Your speaking out about this is a comfort to me and undoubtedly many like me. I hope that knowledge is of comfort to you when times are tough.
    On another note, I haven’t harmed myself in almost three years. Your three days will turn into three years too, and so on. And if you fall off the wagon, so to speak, and harm yourself again, don’t hold it against yourself. The battle goes on. You fight. You win. You’re alive.

  1824. Thank you for sharing. While it makes me sad to know that someone I admire so much is hurtiong, you are so brave to share this and it makes me admire you even more (which I didn’t really think was possible). I hope you always know you can reach out in any crisis or time of need, and we (the readers) will be there to support you and help you in any way we can.

  1825. Thank you, thank you, thank you so many times –
    thank you for describing what I live with (well, I’m a bit different, but I’ve been to each destination you’ve described so many times I’ve lost count) – but haven’t yet figured out how to share. Been too scared to share. Even when signing the paperwork for hospitalization.
    I’m actually overwhelmed with words now, because they just don’t do enough.
    So, if I could, I would brush your hair and rub your back and remind you that, yes, you do live.

  1826. You are truly an inspiration to your readers. Sometimes, just knowing that he/she is not the only one to feel these things is enough to lift the fog a little. Thank you so much for sharing, and keep on singing those battle cries. You have a lovely voice 🙂

  1827. Is it Abilify (sp?) that has the blue bathrobe commercial? Anyway, as one who has battled, survived, battled again, survived, I understand. I thought the blue bathrobe imagery was appropriate because all during the commercial, it didn’t actually go away. It sat on a chair, unused….until the next time. I thought that was honest and I appreciated the honesty. Battling ongoing depression is hard and definitely unrecognized. Silver ribbons are in order. 🙂

  1828. It’s not you, its IT. There’s seriously a third person in your relationship with Victor. I know this. It’s not YOU. It’s not even a PART of you. It’s a separate thing. A distinct entity. It attacks you. And him.

    This is how we survive ours. I can’t blame him when he’s attacked by something separate from him. It’s not his fault. It’s the demon. I can’t hate him (I love him!), but I can hate the Demon.

  1829. Brave, beautiful Jenny – my heart aches for you and your struggle, while I am applauding your courage with every fiber of my being. I wish you health, hope and healing, and believe that you will come out on top of this darkness. As a recovering bulimic who has managed not to harm myself for for almost seven years, I understand the “one day at a time” victories, and hope that you rack up so many good days that you eventually lose track of the number and start counting months and years, as I have done. You bring so much light, love and laughter into the lives of your readers. I hope that same light will be reflected back on you, illuminating the darkness and keeping the demons at bay. Keep fighting – we need you!

  1830. Thank you for writing this. I’m 22, and I’ve been depressed and anxious for several years now, and I’ve just begun to fight. I thought feeling alone and ashamed and unhappy was normal; I thought I was fine. The problem with hiding it is that everyone around me only saw the happy cheerful coping me when I can bear to drag myself out and interact with other people (college is a great place to be a hermit). It was difficult enough to convince myself something might be off, then I had to convince my parents. Luckily, a few meltdowns and some truly awful times later, they are on board and helping me fight this fight the best they can. I started anti-depressants last week and will start going to a therapist once the term starts.
    It’s difficult to hug/high five/nod in that cool way that says “I feel ya” over the internet, but rest assured I am doing my very best.
    Now I need to find some silver ribbon. I say we make this happen.

  1832. It’s ok, you ARE still the same person to me. Except that you’re even more awesome…if that’s possible.

  1833. I read this post in my google reader and decided to hop over and comment on how the more open I am about my struggle with depression and – yes – self harm, the more people open up as well and tell me they’ve been or are in the same place. And then I scroll and scroll and suddenly I recognize that there are hundreds and hundreds of comments already. This just wows me. Seriously. I didn’t expect that this topic would strike a chord with so many people, and I don’t know whether to feel good to be so not alone in this or whether to be just so sad that so many people have to deal with it.

    Thanks to you, Jenny, and also to all you commenters for sharing and speaking up.

  1834. Self injury if not your only method of relief and self preservation. The way your mind works to fight your demons is what enables you to be so funny and see the lightness in life that is so hilarious in your blog. People the fight big demons often have a gift. They see the dimensions of life that are always there but that ‘normal’ people can’t see. You are one of those people. And the world loves you for it.

    Take care of yourself and hopefully over time your relief will come as you replace the negative with positive. You already have it in you. It just needs to take the majority share of your psyche.

  1835. I have been on Lithium and Depakote for 13 years now for bi-polar disorder and it has been completely controlled for 12. One side of my family is lousy with bi-polar and depression. Your description is so spot-on, and brave. I have been trying to be more open about telling my story – about how there is help – how you don’t have to just suffer. I hope you are able to find a medication that works for you soon.

  1837. You are so brave and thanks for doing this post. I’m so glad I found your blog. I’ve felt like no one around me understands or even tries to understand. This makes me want to get better.

  1838. Rock on, Jenny. I wear a ribbon every day. My anxiety is nothing compared to my son’s Schizophrenia, and it’s easier to say I stand for him than to say I stand for myself. But I am all about standing together. I’d be proud to stand with you.

  1839. Bloggess,

    If you ever don’t think someone in your life needs you, I need you. You are one of my shining silver lights at the end of the long dark tunnel that is my own battle with depression. I’ve started days feeling lower than dirt, but then I read your blog and you make me laugh and give me hope that tomorrow will be brighter. Hang in there, fight the good fight, and know there is a community who loves you and will do anything for you.

    -PF

  1840. Pingback: It’s enough to make you go CRAZY. « Rhubarbsky

  1841. Jenny

    Like so many I have to say thank you. I have been on meds since May, 2009. I should have been on them since I was 18. Sadly I didn’t say the right words or find help until I was 38. I spent my 20’s crying a lot. I just thought I was having trouble growing up and would cry about things I didn’t yet understand. My depression has lied to me about so many things. It still has me convinced that I can’t work outside the home because the cray-cray will show eventually. I have to find help with the lies. I am not living the life I use to dream about yet but now, thanks to your honesty, I know that depression is a lieing bastard and it doesn’t deserve to rule my life. We are fighters, warriors, and survivors. You are a special person, and your humour has seen me through some shady days. Thank you again.

  1842. How proud you should be….what an amazing person, I can show those who do not understand that depression is an illness to be fought. Self harm is a stategy to help. I wish you good luck and health, you are funny and sweet- all the things your brain wriggles away from at times.

  1843. you are so brave. and not just the “cursing and talking about dildos on the internet when your mom is probably reading it” kind of brave (which is also pretty badass), but the real kind. good luck with it all and thanks for being your cool self.

  1844. Most of us don’t have someone who *gets* depression, and you do get it. Sometimes just knowing that you aren’t alone, that it’s not something you do on purpose, that it’s an illness – not just moodiness – is enough to make it through to the next day.
    One day at a time, my friend. We are cheering you on, holding your hand, handing you the box of tissues – and wishing we were there to cry with you, sitting on the floor of the bathroom.

  1848. The love and the power in all this community of this post and all these comments is so beautiful and wonderful. I feel like crying all over again. But in a good way. And I feel like this post has become as powerful as last year’s Christmas ‘wear Jenny into the ground’ donating fiasco that was wonderful and amazing even though it was so hard on poor Jenny to orchestrate!

    Jenny – you, your blog, your community and YOU – are just awesome.

  1849. I am glad you shared your story and your deep inside feelings. We still love you and accept you. Congrats on your “remission”. May the dark demon stay away for a very long time.

  1850. We are not alone!!! Let’s get this silver ribbon thing going to show our understanding and support for people who suffer with mental health issues! Xxx

  1851. Thank you for writing this Jenny. Truly, thank you. It was brave and you’re amazing. My family lost someone we had no idea was ill and fighting this battle almost a year ago, and we’re still completely devastated. I’m heartbroken he couldn’t find it in himself to seek help or treatment from his family or anyone in the world. I know you’ve helped someone writing this. I’m so proud of you, and have great hope for you. Thank you again.

  1853. Jenny you are my hero! I appreciate you and love you even more than before (that’s a whole lot since I love and appreciate you to the moon and back times 75) for being able to share your struggle with the world. You are truly an amazing, strong, beautiful (inside and out) woman <3

  1854. Jenny, you’ve said things I’ve needed to say. I am currently financing a couple thousand dollars worth of laser treatment because of my self harm. Only a couple people know because I am so ashamed. I am open about my depression- well, I readily admit to it. But not the self harm. I just think people will hate me for it, think that I am too emotionally unstable and not worth loving, they will hate me and avoid me because of it, because they will think I am a monster who is sick and who is always going to be sick.

    That monster isn’t me though. I’m fighting him. Because I know I am worth it. My sons love me and know I’m worth it, my parents do love me: even if they really don’t know how to love their children well I know they wish they did. My friends love me and know I’m worth it. My Savior loves me and knows I’m worth it. And it’s true. I need to keep reminding myself of it. It can be so hard to see clearly once the darkness sets in.

  1855. Sometimes it seems as if anxiety never gives up… but I think it gets weaker over time, and you are stronger!

  1856. Brava for “coming out” regarding not just a mood disorder but especially the physical self-harm. It is amazing how many accomplished, seemingly strong women use this as a coping technique. Count me as one who struggles to stay in remission. Breast cancer was nothing compared to my ongoing battle with a mood disorder that stays hidden from all but my closest family members.

    Thank you again.

  1857. You are so amazing. I’ve been there, and (thanks to stupid RA) I’ll be there again. You’re so brave to say this stuff out loud. And you make me braver by letting me read it. Hugs to you, Awesome-One.

  1858. Powerful post. I applaud your honesty and completely relate to what you are going through. Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles. Your openness will help others to not be ashamed to share. Stay strong and be safe.

  1859. I admire you so much for your ability to see the dark side and return, and to also find the very funny things in life, and you share it with us. You are the strongest woman I ‘know’. Thank you for showing us not only your funny side, but your vulnerable side. And your strong side, and… How many sides can you have? You are amazing!

  1860. Thanks for writing this. I don’t suffer from depression. But I believe my mom has (undiagnosed) and I know my husband does with his bipolar disorder. While it may be uncomfortable to talk about it, I appreciate those that do so I may at least have a glimpse of the inside.

  1862. Thank you for being brave. It helps all of us who are fighting this terrible shadow battle with depression. Keep fighting, and know there are many of us rooting for you, because in a way it means rooting for ourselves.

  1863. When I was at my lowest I used to nurture my own vanity. I made it more important to me than it is, that I be pretty. It was the only way I felt I could trick myself into not injuring or permanently damaging my body. I pierced my ears instead of cutting myself. I plucked my eyebrows. I waxed anything. When I wanted most to destroy myself the only thing left was that I wouldn’t be pretty anymore if I did. I realize how lucky I really was, because I could have lost that prettiness and I would have been done. There was a time when I got hit in the face with a tree branch and it gouged my cheek and the depression told me, “if this scars you’ll have to kill yourself.”

  1866. i suffered in silence for 5 years before i finally knew that there was something wrong and it wasn’t going away with just me dealing with it, and it turns out one of my favorite internet personalities has similar problems and isn’t afraid to share it w/ the world. i still haven’t told my parents and i’ve made so much progress since i started therapy last Feb. if just one person is helped by your taking this public you’ve made a world of difference

  1867. Pingback: The Red Dress Project. | Blog con Queso

  1869. Since you posted this yesterday I fought with myself to write something. Mostly because after reading what you wrote I feel sort of lost for words, but at the same time there is so much one can say.
    First off I would like to thank you, for being this courageous and open about yourself. I know that probably every human being has a close encounter with the demon called depression in their life, be it once or even more than once. And you are right, those people deserve praise, especially because lots of them fight their way through without help by their side because they are too afraid and ashamed to ask for it. But once they survived, it really should be celebrated. They should be patted on the back and welcomed back as a hero, because everyone who has fought this battle knows how goddamn hard it is not to lose your sanity whilst in the grips of depression.
    I hope that one day people will be able to wear these silver ribbons, with pride, not being ridiculed. I guess if that obstacle of prejudices can be overcome, the lone fact that there are so many out there who know what it feels like will help those who are fighting the battle at that very moment because they are not alone. It really would change a lot.

    Thanks, Jenny, for your words, your courage and you. You are a great person!

  1870. Your preaching to the choir, there are so many of us out here that are either fighting the same fight or helping a loved one who is fighting, we stand together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are loved now as always.

  1871. I find it difficult to help friends and family to understand what is going on in my depression. Some of them don’t understand that there is a difference between being suicidal and simple wishing to not exist. I often wish to not exist when I am depressed, but have not been officially suicidal thus far. I’ve never had a plan or anything like that. When I read THE HOURS and saw the movie, it made me feel understood. I recommend it to friends and family to give them some kind of idea, but some are not able to understand. I struggle a lot and feel like I haven’t found the right combo of therapy and drugs, but I get out of bed, so that is something.

  1873. Thank you. I have been struggling so much lately and Today I’ve actually been able to get myself off the couch and take care of my 2 daughters. I even cleaned the kitchen and made lunch. It’s a tiny victory, but a victory none the less. I just want to say thank you. Your blog inspires me so much, makes me laugh til I pee, and encourages me to keep going. You’re awesome. Where can I get a silver ribbon?

  1874. This post deserves this:

    Slow. Clap.

    This is very brave of you. And it needs to be said, because people just don’t know how to handle depression. So, thank you.

  1876. The most helpful thing I’ve done in the last year is cut out people who aren’t willing to see depression as a disease. People who say “Cheer up! It’s not that bad!” as if I choose to lay in bed unshowered for days at a time, praying to Gd that it gets better. Whatever “it” is.

    We are here for your. And I’m so writing Tiffany’s to ask for them to make a beautiful silver ribbon for us to wear. xoxo

  1877. Just another note of support. Keep going, you are an inspiration to all of us.

  1878. Pingback: You Are Not Alone When Battling Depression | Counselor Mom

  1880. I am a victim of depression and consider myself to be “in-recovery” (much like someone in AA) from an eating disorder & self-harming. It took me several years to stop reverting back into the habits of an eating disorder/self harm, but I did it. After my first full year of being completely habit-free, I got myself a tattoo to remind myself of what I had accomplished. The little guys I had tattooed on me watch my back, I like to think, so that when the triggers come I can manage them a little better than I had before. I don’t think I’ll ever be depression-free, because I don’t think that’s 100% within my control, but I can tell you that it’s possible to get to a place where self-harming can be managed, even in your deepest depression.

    I am so proud of you for being on this road.

    I am so proud of you for sharing this post with us all. <3

  1881. I feel you. I’ve been there. I haven’t had a bad bout of depression in about 3 years but its always lingering there in the back of my head…will it come back again? will I be able to handle it?

    Maybe we should tote ribbons….bring on awareness!

  1882. Jenny, I was going to email this to you, but I decided to just post this here. Its scary how much we are alike. Like you, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I feel your pain with that. Literally. And I have depression and anxiety. I self harm to soothe myself at times. The only thing is, I don’t know what my triggers for it are because it really depends on what is going on in my life at the moment. I know what has caused me to self harm. And I’m far from suicidal. It’s been couple months since I last harmed myself, and I’m quite proud of that. But when I do harm myself, I cut myself. It’s only superficial cuts, but it’s cuts none the less. I do it for the release that it brings. In my own sick and twisted way, it’s a way for me to see that I’m not invisible and that I am a living and breathing person.

  1883. i love that you share so much of yourself so that others too freaked out by their inner demons know that they are not alone.

    hugs <3

  1884. You are a hell of a fighter. You are scrappy and strong. You give me strength when I visit this pink palace of yours; as I hope TRULY that we, all of your followers, lovers of your words, fans of Jenny and not just The Bloggess, give you just a bit of strength as well. You take just a bit from us, and damn girl, you have a fortress.

    You have given me a different outlook on these illnesses that affect our brains. You poked fun at it even as you kept the darkest bits hidden. I used your strength to look at me and take my ass to a doctor.

    You are brave as hell. I don’t fully understand your battle (our illnesses are different) but I offer you what poor comfort near-anonymous words are.

    ~Morgaine~

  1885. I’ve struggled, and too have learned to identify triggers and strive for change. It’s scary as hell, but more and more I know I am not alone and neither are you. I’ll pick up the baton. I’ll battlecry with you. You’re not alone.

  1886. Jenny, I was going to email this to you, but I decided to just post this here. Its scary how much we are alike. Like you, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I feel your pain with that. Literally. And I have depression and anxiety. I self harm to soothe myself at times. The only thing is, I don’t know what my triggers for it are because it really depends on what is going on in my life at the moment. I know what has caused me to self harm. And I’m far from suicidal. It’s been couple months since I last harmed myself, and I’m quite proud of that. But when I do harm myself, I cut myself. It’s only superficial cuts, but it’s cuts none the less. I do it for the release that it brings. In my own sick and twisted way, it’s a way for me to see that I’m not invisible and that I am a living and breathing person. It’s hard to get through the depression. But once you get out of the darkness, it’s so beautiful in the sunlight. I think it makes me appreciate the sunlight more because I know that at a drop of a hat, the darkness can creep back in. I revel in the sunlight when I have it. I hate that there is such a stigma associated with depression and people feel the need to be ashamed of it. I just wanted to say thank you for telling people that it’s okay and that they matter.

  1887. I posted this on twitter to you about a week ago, but you are my hero. I’m not sure if someone has posted this or not to you yet (I only made it thru the first 5 pages of comments before I was too emotional to continue). Its a quote from the last episode of Firefly:

    “When you can’t walk, you crawl. And when you can’t do that… you find someone to carry you.”

    You admitted to us that you couldn’t walk anymore last month. You asked us to carry you through the murk of a downward spiral. And last night, *you* carried countless souls who didn’t know who to ask for help. I think that in times when we feel like we are crawling, we are actually carrying others (figuratively). Your bravery saved lives last night(and this time I mean literally). You are an amazing woman, and I’m proud to say I “know” you. You are amazing.

  1888. The part that is hard to explain, is that you suffer from depression- but that doesn’t mean you are “just like” everyone else suffering from depression, any more than my breast cancer diagnosis made me “just like” the others who have been diagnosed. People who also suffer from depression, even the same diagnosis as yours, and their loved ones, friends and caregivers, cannot really “know” what you are dealing with, although you can try to help us understand through your words and explanations. Your depression is yours, and only you can know and understand it (or try to). We can console you, support you, encourage you, sympathize and empathize with you, but we can’t REALLY know or REALLY understand what you are going through, in the same fashion that my cancer is mine, unique to me and my body’s ability to handle it and my brain’s ability to process it, and not like anyone else’s or knowable to any one else. You are a brave woman, as well as being hilarious, snarky, and intelligent, and I am glad to be among your readers.

  1889. thank you so much for being brave enough to post this…my mother is bi-polar, and has been battling depression for many years (along with some of my closest friends). it takes an enormous amount of strength to “come out” about this to friends and family, let alone post this on a blog for the world. please know that you ROCK, and that by posting this you’ve shown others that they are not alone. we will all be here for you, too, so keep on fighting please–we’re right behind you 🙂

  1890. Don’t be PASSIVE!

    You can be pro-active with light (bright), color, music, and exercise.

    Figure out what combination works best for you.

    Whatever chemical in your brain that causes depression, well, you have more of it than the average person. Or its release is more easily triggered in your brain than with most people.

    There is a full range of outcomes in terms of body chemistry and distribution on a graph.

    Just because you are on the extreme end of the graph for a narrow slice of body chemistry does not make you INFERIOR to anyone else.

    The inherent challenge may be greater, but I KNOW you are up to the challenge.

    In the final analysis, if you realize that “what happens in life is not so important. What is important IS YOUR REACTION TO WHAT HAPPENS”.

    Understand that you can decide how you react to these onsets of depression. You are IN CONTROL.

    Keep the faith,

    Robert

  1891. I love you. And I love you sharing. And you are right – cancer survivors are celebrated. Depression survivors are not. As someone who has had to fight both in my life, it’s definitely okay to talk about the cancer but it’s not always okay to talk about the depression. And I love that you are sharing. I know it’s hard. But it seems like it’s also healing. And I do love you.

  1892. When do the silver survival ribbons go on sale? I could (should?) have a collection of them by now.

  1893. I cannot begin to try to imagine what it took to be so honest, to make oneself so vulnerable by sharing it all. This is saving many lives, and we, your people, will not let you down by abusing your trust. Much love. {{{{hugs}}}}

  1895. The Pit of Despair. *deepest of sighs*

    I wanted to let you know that I posted this entry to my Facebook page, and a number of people thought you were me and expressed their sincerest concern. So I wanted to pass it along.

    There are a lot of people out here sending you their very best!!

    Tamara

  1896. Writing this is your real contribution to the world. The funny stuff is the icing on the cake. Thank you.
    xoxo

  1897. Wow, this post really touched me. I don’t self-harm physically, but when I’m depressed, I destroy relationships enough that it feels just like self-harming. It’s so hard to deal with explaining to someone that you hate yourself so much, you’d rather feel something, anything else (someone else hating you, or physical pain) rather than the hatred you feel for yourself. Saying it outloud sounds so ridiculous and embarrassing, but it’s exactly how I feel. I don’t know if you like Glee (I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea)… but there’s one song that Chris Colfer sings, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand,” and it’s just beautiful, maybe better than the original. I sing it a lot to myself when I’m really sad because it sort of feels like the sane part of me is trying to make the crazy part feel a little better.

    On another note, as someone who grew up in a very violent and abusive home, please give yourself a HUGE amount of credit for the home environment you are raising your daughter in. You and your husband clearly love each other, and you are fun, accepting and caring. You’re taking responsibility for the ways you can change to give your daughter a better life, which shows you love her. In a lot of ways, I think wanting to change is as meaningful as actual change. I would have loved it if my Dad had ever cared enough to stop drinking/beating my mother. But he didn’t because he only cared about himself. So don’t discount all of the wonderful choices you make to be a loving parent each and every day – even when the depression is at its worst. I think they mean more to your daughter than you know (or at least they will when she’s older).

    Be safe.

  1899. Pingback: Surviving Depression « Broken Saints

  1900. Thanks for sharing this. Too many people are out there, fearing that they are alone and misunderstood.

    Please keep safe. We all adore you, dirty mouth especially. 😉

  1901. Thank you so very much for sharing!!! I too am a depression sufferer/survivor! Takes strength to live. I can relate to your self harming as not only do I suffer by my daughter is a self harmer and has an eating disorder. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope one day to be able to share mine.

  1902. Speaking as the daughter of a woman who has battled crippling bouts of depression her whole life, don’t worry about hiding this from your daughter. She already knows. I knew, despite my mom’s cheery facade, that something very wrong was right under the surface. But she always loved me and reassured me that her depression had nothing to do with me. That’s the best thing you can do for her — and something I believe you are already doing, based on your writing.

  1903. I am commenting just to say thank you for this today. I wear the silver ribbon and haven’t felt strong enough to comment on blogs for a while now. I am fighting the good fight, one day at a time, but the mask that a depression sufferer must wear sometimes is exhausting. I’m exhausted. But, I see the light at the end of the tunnel for this bout and reading your post today, well it helped with the forward trudge. XOXO

  1904. Thank you for sharing your story, your fears, and your triumphs. Your bravery and courage are truly an inspiration.

  1905. I came today because I needed a shot of Bloggess madness…to laugh my way out of the depression I’m fighting right now. Instead, I got sanity. I will go back and read the 1834 comments that have been posted in the last 10 hours (is that a record) but for now I wanted to say:

    1. Thanks for making it less shameful. I’ve been battling depression since I was 12. I’ve been on medication for almost 20 years. But when the situational depression hits, you just can’t avoid it. You just have to hope the clinical doesn’t smell it and come running to take over your brain and your life.

    2. I don’t self-harm, but I sure understand those who do. I almost (not quite) envy the relief it must give you. On the other hand, I do what is likely long-term self-harm, I medicate with food. The least socially acceptable form of self-medication for depression.

    3. Maybe someday we’ll see that we actually outnumber the “normals” and stop being embarrassed and ashamed.

    4. I want a silver ribbon. I’ve survived 33 years with this monster, and I deserve it!

  1908. it’s quiet and lonely, so lonely, here in the darkness, the blackness, the emptiness… waiting for the dawn to come. will it come? will it ever come? i wonder if i’ll be here when it does.

  1909. Thanks so much Jenny for sharing this. Know you are loved and wished well on your continuing journey. You WILL get there. I’m rooting for you as are so many others! xoxo

  1910. Thank you for being so strong, and giving the rest of us the ability to speak about our own struggles.

    You are an amazing person and I hope that you never forget that.

  1911. “It’s all going to be ok.” that is what I need to hear every day… just to go on.
    I need to hear the words from someone else, because I just can’t say them. Whan I say them it just doesn’t feel real. I need someone to believe in me, because I can not do it myself.
    Luckily I have someone, who cares and remembers to say those words to me, when I need them. And then I pick myself up and go on…

  1912. Jenny,

    You are not the same person to me today…you are even more magnificent! I do love you!

  1913. My depression scares me at times, it’s dark and like falling into a black hole. But I keep fighting, if you don’t give up, we won’t.

  1914. Jen, I am incredibly moved by your post. I have typed at least three different responses only to delete them because I keep getting personal. It’s hard not to when you have bared yourself to us. I feel humbled and thankful you felt you could share. You are an unbelievably strong woman and I am greatful I have found your blog. Thank you.

  1915. Great article….very insightful. I work with young children and find high levels of stress in many preschoolers that was not present twenty or thirty years ago. It is due to a fast, high pressure, out of the home lifestyle. Stress is children lays the root of anxiety and depression in the teen years. Some children are fortunate to live a slow paced, lots of love, child-like life still and are not subject to lots of stress. You are doing well…keep up the good work and may your daughter’s lifestyle be as stress free as possible. Stress in childhood does not teach children how to cope! Healthy children grow into healthy teens who can cope!

  1916. You know, I’m your biggest fan. (I’ll trample anyone who says differently!) Fan is a weird word, I’m not really a fan type, but I am an admirer of your work and I think if we lived on the same block, then maybe I could say friend instead of fan. But whatever…

    Depression is so misunderstood. I have very limited experience with it, but I will say that when I’ve dealt with it, most of the suffering was internal. I would still laugh and joke and write and do my job. Which is why I might have kept it on the downlow because I worried that people would be all “Oh, hogwash! She was just telling jokes at that meeting yesterday. That’s not the behavior of a depressed person!” The suffering is often internal, which maybe is why there is no public celebration. It’s more like you’ve been in darkness and suddenly the light is shining in. Nobody seems to high-five because of sun-rise, right?

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. I know I don’t comment much these days, but I wanted to chime in and tell you I think you’re awesome. (If you ever want to hang out, we can self-harm together using CHOCOLATE and maybe RUM, OK???)

  1917. I am so proud of you for posting this! I felt like reading it was a trigger for my anxiety but then I thought…if she can write it, I can read it. I think it is so helpful to know there are others in the world that struggle with anxiety/depression and it’s not just me. And we all need to talk about it more!

    Thank you for being strong and for sharing

  1919. You will always be the same to us – a strong, beautiful woman who makes us snort into our morning coffee. Keep fighting the good fight – your daughter will always be proud of you!

  1920. Pingback: Time to Cry Tuesday – #silverribbons | i could cry but i don't have time

  1921. Super proud of you for a) pulling through this last bout, period, and b) for sharing this post with the world. Every day that you are in that darkness but find your way out of it is a day to be proud and celebrate. I get it.

    I know that your honesty and the power of your pen (and that red dress) are a light to an awful lot of your followers and admirers (see Robin’s second sentence) . And I think that is so cool. Your daughter already has a hell of a role model in you, because you celebrate what is funny, what is flawed, what is real. And you love her to bits. You are her perfect mom, no matter how one wants to define perfection, because she is who meant to be yours.

    And even if someday sooner than you want, she becomes aware of your habit, it will probably surprise you how well she handles it. My therapist and I laugh all the time about the stuff that I worry will affect my son, because the thing that probably will eventually send him to therapy will be some random comment that I will never even have thought twice about, not the things I said or did that made me worry!

    Ahh, parenthood… and depression… such a fun combo. There are a lot of us out there, and sometimes there is comfort in knowing just that. Thank you, again, for surviving to write another day. I will be sending you some good vibes and thoughts of strength to see you through day four… and day five… one minute at a time.

    – L

  1922. It may be difficult for you to realize, but you are an amazing person and have an extraordinary impact on us all. Your blog is what brightens my day when hardly anything else will. You are, among other things, so talented. Without you here, the blogosphere would never be the same. Keep on, keeping on.

  1925. this post made me cry.
    i totally understand what you meant by talking about it being a trigger. it very much is. anything that brings to the forefront of your mind that soothing – so, reading about it.
    3 day, 3 weeks, 3 years, i will be just as proud of you. because, for me, it’s still there. it’s been just over a year for me, and i still feel that twitch in my brain as i type this.
    lots of love to you. stay strong.
    <3

  1926. We love you, Jenny – not in a creepy weirdo way (OK, well maybe that but creepy weirdos have feelings too, y’know?). You make us stronger, and braver, and we see you taking the things we were afraid were weaknesses and turning them into banners to wave at people until they look at us PROPERLY. And I’m here to tell you that the war is never over, but the battle skirmishes get quieter and easier to win (with the odd flare-up of hostilities just to remind you that you’ll never be cured). And the battle scars – internal or external, heal enough for life to be worth living. Please keep telling people that depression is a lying persuasive bastard (I used to tell people it was ‘seductive’ but they looked at me funny). And please keep being you – sick, well or a bit of both, we love you.

  1927. I admire you for your courage to be so open and honest about your feelings and experiences. I recognise the struggle between the need of being open about your issues in order to accept yourself fully and the fear to do so. I’m still too afraid of ‘the rest of the world’ to dare to be fully ‘me’ and that’s why I look up to you, even though you struggle and aren’t perfect: you are yourself (- and doing it so damn well that you’re making a living out of it)!

    I’m hoping 2012 has a lot of great stuff to offer you, but for sure it should give you babysteps and those eventually lead up to Great Stuff as well.
    *hugs*

  1928. I can’t add anything new that hasn’t already been said better above, but I just wanted to add mine to the chorus of voices sending our love and support to you. You’ve got something really special. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. Keep fighting the good fight.

  1929. This whole thing, word for word, could have been written for me. I thank you for it. It helps to know others are going through the same thing, even as one wishes that no one else would ever have to experience the pain. Anyway, stay strong. You’re not alone.

  1930. Congrats on making me cry at work.

    In all seriousness though, this is a wonderful post. Having struggled through these same exact issues (depression, anxiety, self-harm), I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’m now to a point where I can rely on natural methods (exercise, extra Vitamin D, etc.) instead of drugs. And I’ve learned to therapy-ize myself. Is it a daily struggle? Of course. Do I panic when I think about having kids and maybe passing my disorders on? Absolutely. But I’m coping all the same. And you can too. Keep it up 🙂

  1931. I’m happy you’re coming out of it. I’m personally at the part where I don’t know whether this is the best it gets or not. Definitely better than before, but….

    You’re fighting and surviving!!

  1932. I can never judge you, for I see much of myself in you and the things you write. Stay strong Jenny. Your readers support you.
    -Michelle

  1933. I fought silently through depression while in college. I was ashamed of it. Ashamed to be the psych major who needed her own psychological help. At my lowest point, I had thoughts of self-harm. Opening the oven to take my dinner out, I had the overwhelming urge to just put my hands down on the hot door. To feel something. Anything. I didn’t actually do it. I just slammed the door shut and walked out of the house before I could do anything to myself. But the thought that I could’ve scared me to death. I’ve never told anyone about that day. I’ve always been too afraid of what people would say. Thank you for being honest about your struggles. And thank you giving me the courage to share my small story now, with you, and with so many others here that have shared their own.

  1934. I haven’t read all the comments, but I hope you are able to find the time… most of them are incredibly moving.
    I don’t think you have any idea how much good you have done, by writing this post.
    You are a far better person than I thought you were… and I already thought you were amazing.

  1935. My husband struggles with bipolar disorder. It’s hard to understand and hard to live with. I love him and I know he’s doing the best he can. Thanks for being honest. LOTS of people have anxiety/depression/bipolar. It’s not a joke and it’s not a crime. It’s an illness and eventually, they’ll have much better treatments.

    Hang in there and thanks again.

  1937. thanks for sharing this story with us. It’s important to talk about and so often ignored or kept quiet. Keep on fighting the good fight. You are amazing!

  1938. I don’t know that this will get to you, as I’m so late to leave a comment, but I wanted to send you a note of love, of compassion, of understanding.

    You’re a hero to me, in a lot of ways, and I’m sure that goes for more than just a few of your regular followers. We’re with you during the dark days, many of us struggling in our own darkness. You are not alone, and you are loved.

  1941. You are brave and beautiful.

    I admire deeply the courage it takes to write something like this and put it out in the world. I’m someone who buries my deepest pain for fear of judgment or just the vulnerability of saying it out loud. (I do share it with my husband, but beyond that, my lips are generally sealed). I don’t have this particular struggle, so I can’t say I understand, but I hope and pray that your openness will lead the way to the day that depression is not stigmatized. Silver ribbons all around — if you don’t fight depression, someone you love does.

  1943. Dear Jenny,

    Through my late teens and early twenties I would cut my stomach and arms with razor blades. I started small with one or two cuts at a time, but then over the years progressed to twenty or twenty-five. I even began cutting at work just to make it through the day. I was so terrified that friends or family would leave me if I ever expressed displeasure with them that I took that aggression out on myself. Then it turned into a soothing habit that allowed me to approach life with a balanced and calm mind. Sounds totally backwards now that I write it out like this, but that’s how it was.

    My boyfriend at the time came home where I had fallen asleep on the couch after a particularly gruesome cutting session, and the look on his face, a mix of disgust, panic, fear, and pity, is what prompted me to seek help. It was shocking how badly I needed to talk about it, but I’d simply never allowed myself to do so. I also didn’t want to be presenting to the world as functional when I was so totally broken on the inside. After months of therapy I discovered my triggers, some of which I still have to be vigilant about. I can no longer let someone close to me make me upset without talking about it or else it festers and I begin to feel those feelings again. I also still get what I call the “Icky-blahs” where nothing is quite right. I have to honor those times and simply let them run their course.

    I haven’t cut for 11 years, and I am grateful for the life I lead. I have a great husband, two wonderful kids, and a community that rocks. No one would ever know from looking at me, or even getting to know me well, that I struggled with self-harm. It’s not talked about, and I wonder why that is? We talk about alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse, other forms of mental illness; all just as intimate, confusing, and frightening as cutting. I guess it’s still a taboo.

    Thank you for sharing this. It’s a topic that shouldn’t be left in the dark, and people should feel like they can reach out for help without being judged or rejected. God bless you and your family, and take things slowly. Stay focused on your health and it will follow.

    Take care,

    Keegan

  1944. Thank you for writing such a personal and difficult post. I have been writing about my own struggles lately which has been helping me cope and seeing others do the same makes me feel a sense of support. I love that you are so honest and so real. I could sit and chat with you and open up about my own demons knowing you would listen and understand. You give that feeling to a lot of people and that is a gift. Keep fighting and writing and letting us in. We love you.

  1946. I will wrap myself in silver and dance in the sun for you, me and everyone else that has been to the pit.
    I’ve found the book “The Depression Cure” by Stephen Ilardi to be very helpful for keeping my darkness in check.

  1947. I am glad you have come out of this fight again, stronger and more sure of yourself.

    I celebrate you! You are the same person to me and I haven’t met you in person, you are a funny, caring , quirky woman who is slightly crazy 🙂 that I would be happy to count as a friend. Keep fighting, when you need to and know that people are here to support you.

  1948. I don’t understand but you are helping me to. My sister suffered and never let me in. Thank you for your insight. You enrich my life and I love you from afar in the UK.

  1949. There’s an AA Milne quote that I love, and I think it applies here. “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” You just keep on kicking depression in the teeth!

  1950. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt words. They mean more than you know… You are beautiful!

  1951. Dearest Jen,
    I am so proud of you! It takes courage to tell your heart story! Hugs all around! You are frightfully and wonderfully made. I always look forward to reading what you have to say and cheering you on. Thanks for sharing and keep believing yourself- depression lies- and keep writing the good fight!
    Love, Nancy

  1952. Jenny, you are just as incredibly awesome today as you were yesterday, if not more so. Thank you.

  1953. I know what it feels like. I’m so glad you’re okay.

    I’m just a random stranger on a computer, just a point in a network, just one person out of nine billion, but I care about you. I don’t want you to suffer.

    I guess sometimes knowing that other people don’t like your suffering makes it better, and sometimes makes it worse.

    After a bout of depression like that, you deserve something wonderful to happen. May you win several lotteries.

  1954. i applaud your bravery in posting this. i suggest adding a disclaimer or warning to notify readers that it is a huge trigger. when posting about topics like this, especially in a blog that is not known for this kind of content, it is resposible to add this warning.

  1955. You.are.awesome. In all ways. Look at the number of support comments you got – you are definitely not alone!

  1956. Thank you, Jenny for sharing this very personal issue to let others know that you aren’t perfect, although you are perfectly hysterical, honest, loving, supportive and strong. I wouldn’t read your blog if I didn’t think it would help me in my own life with handling the ups and downs I go through. Thank you again!

  1957. Warrior – those of you who fight this battle every day and night are warriors. I think we should coin a new term – depression warriors. You all battle every day, so hard and so brave. I can’t make it better but I can tell you that I support you. Lean on me. I got a strong back. there are millions of ‘mes’ out there. We all have strong backs. Lean on us when you need to. We got your backs.
    They say ‘cancer survivor’ and we are but my oncologist is the warrior. He fights this battle with every patient. I ‘survived’ because of him. and luck. and my dog Fred [another story].

  1958. I have struggled with depression forever, but it was diagnosed 16 years ago. My son and daughter also have it, and my daughter struggles with self harm. Thank you for putting words out there that explain the battle, and the triumphs that no one sees.

  1960. Stand tall, be proud and always know that you are never alone. I am proud to be one of your readers, and take strength from your words — whether furiously funny or fabulously brave. Never give up and never stop being you.

  1961. wow.
    every time i read your blog i am struck by how you seem to be all the things i try so hard and fail to be- funny, awesome, badass, and brave just to name a few. remember that you are an amazing person who has provided inspiration to so many people. keep holding on.

  1962. Good for you for facing the demon with openness and honesty. I have learned that depression prefers us to lie to others and to ourselves.

  1963. Thank you for your honesty and your bravery, your comedy and your beauty. My son died seven months ago and soon afterwards I discovered your blog when a friend linked to the Beyonce chicken post. Since then you have made my husband and I laugh out loud many times. We have needed that more than I can describe. Thank you! We’ll all keep fighting, together.

  1964. Thank you for bringing awareness to this topic.
    Something I am currently struggling with and have written about openly.
    It’s scary.
    But thankfully the blogging community is supportive and encouraging.
    Your words are perfection.
    You are strong.
    Keep fighting.

  1965. I know this will get lost in the sea of messages and I’m okay with that but I have to share somewhere and where better than here. I am a self-injurer. I use to have a very specific brand of razor blades and everything. At one point I had over 100 cuts on my right arm alone. This all happened before I met my husband. He married me knowing I was damaged. I’ve had some of the worst cases of depression since we’ve been married, specifically since my 2nd child was born. I don’t cut because he’s threatened to leave with the kids if I ever did it again. When I was reading this I cried. I cried for you and I cried for me and every other woman and man who goes through this. I cried because In some fucked up way I miss that beautiful release I got from cutting. I crave it more than any drug I’ve ever done. I find creative ways to hurt myself without anyone knowing. My husband is the sanest person I’ve ever met. He has never in his life had to deal with depression, except as an observer. “Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.” I relate to this the most. I end up feeling selfish and shamed for having a dirty house, unkempt children, unpaid bills, etc. Most of the time my relapses come from not having the help in the first place. No one who really can help will read this. I just don’t have the courage to say it out loud. I get this mental image of women in sweat pants and stained shirts on a battlefield, dragging bags of meds behind them. But we keep going. We stay alive. Keep fighting, sister.

  1966. Pingback: Where’s the Carb-Free Comfort Food- I mean, January 3, 2012 « confessionsofayoungdiabetic

  1967. I appreciate this post. My anxiety and depression has always been hidden and you have helped me not be ashamed of fighting my battles. My never ending battles. I am happy that you are doing better. It gives me hope.

  1968. You are so incredibly courageous! Sharing your burden with us, allows those of us that love you to carry this burden with you. You have so many people that love you….I hope you feel lighter! 🙂

  1970. Thank you for being so honest about the mental issues that you have had to go through. My mother has battled major mental illness (severe bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and mild schizophrenia since I was born (I’m about the same age as you Jenny). Especially back in the 70s it was a very taboo subject that no one dared talk about, and many never dealt with it. When my mom was in a mental ward several times and tried to commit suicide when I was just 4 and 7 I had no one to turn to that could help me understand it. Also, because of such little research that was done back then there were very few medicine options, so she had to take some hard core psych drugs that has now left her with permanent memory and cognitive brain damage. We have come so far in the fight against mental illness, both in society and in medicine, but we still need to make it more understood and acceptable.

    I myself have dealt with moderate depression off and on in my 20s and 30s, and you feel so isolated. I recently was dealing with a major depression due to several circumstances I found myself in, including being betrayed by an ex that I completely trusted. Even my BFF turned away from me because she “just didn’t think it was a big deal and I was making too much of it”. Thank goodness my current boyfriend and several acquaintances were super understanding and encouraged me. I am also very aware of my mood changes and decided to go back for therapy to deal with these extreme emotions that I just couldn’t snap myself out of. If you call in to work depressed and unable to get out of bed on one accepts that. And like you said, when you are finally “free” from your own thoughts and are back to normal there is no “remission party” to be had. People just say “oh it’s about time” and move on their merry way.

    If you ever decide to push for a mental health movement, or hear of one we can all stand behind, I will be there 150%! Thank you again for being so brave and honest. It helps all of us to know that we are not alone in this fight. And I know I’m not the only one that will stand behind you and others like you all the way!! 🙂

  1971. That you, who give so much laughter and love to so many people, could feel alone and sad and in pain is just proof of what a horrible medical condition your depression and anxiety are.
    Try to hold us (me and the 1100 plus other people who’ve commented so far) in your heart against the pain.

  1973. I saw your twitter last night and immediately retweeted but didn’t have time to come reply until today…I’m amazed to see almost 1900 comments to this post. I bet if everyone that has been effected by depression and other mental illnesses (either having them or watching someone they love suffer) wore the silver ribbons there would be a sea of silver everywhere. I’m tired of suffering in silence, alone and miserable. Sign me up for the silver ribbon. My husband and kids, too. They’ve had to watch my ups and downs for years.

    Back in November I hit an all time low. I even opened the bottle and lined the pills up and sat shaking in the bathroom, tears rolling down my face. The thought that finally broke through was the fact that my 17 month old son was the only other person home with me. I couldn’t just leave him to fend for himself until one of the older kids came home from school and found me. Somehow I found the strength to put the pills back and crawl out of the bathroom.

    I thought I was so alone until I had the nervous breakdown which somehow ended up on my livejournal. I realized I had friends out there, ones that were very worried and many who have been through the same thing and had survived. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They held my virtual hand during the worst 2 weeks of my life. I’m now on medication and in therapy (for the 1st time ever) and slowly recovering and they are still there cheering me on during the good and bad times.

    More people need to stand up and say, “I suffer from depression and that’s okay.” Maybe someday the stigma will be gone and people won’t think they have to suffer alone. ((hugs))

  1974. It has been almost 16 years since I last hurt myself, and I can go weeks without even contemplating it anymore, but when I am stressed, or anxious, or overwhelmed my first instinct is to release the pain through self-harm. I haven’t even told my therapist, because I’m ashamed that that is my first reaction. I think I feel a little less ashamed today, and maybe, just maybe this will help me continue for another 16 years.

    I really relate to sarah in post 1940: “I cried because In some fucked up way I miss that beautiful release I got from cutting. I crave it more than any drug I’ve ever done. I find creative ways to hurt myself without anyone knowing.”

    That is it exactly. Thank you for being so honest and giving so many people a forum and the realization that we’re not alone.

  1975. I think that the silver ribbon idea is incredible. My mom suffered from depression and I can see what that did to her, and to us. I think that it is an incredible thing to survive and good for you for putting it out there!

  1976. Jenny, you’re awesome. Thanks for sharing your struggles, and know that you should feel no shame in them. We all have issues of various kinds, demons that we deal with, etc. Be confident that you can manage this, and know that there are thousands of people you don’t even know who support you and wish you the absolute best. May God bless you and heal you, and may he bring you and your family and friends strength, patience, and understanding to help get you through all this.

  1977. This was my life 15 years ago. I still carry the scars on my body but have worked many of the issues that caused the extreme episodes of self harm. I’ve only relapsed a few times in the last 8 years.

    I commend you for writing this. I don’t think I would have the courage to do so while still struggling.

  1979. I just had to add to the thank yous for this post. I know the toll of depression, both on myself and other loved ones. Not the time or place now. Just Thank You.

  1980. You are incredibly strong and brave for posting this. You have helped to inspire me and get me through quite a bit of depression, and you’re right- in addition to just the depression and anxiety there are many other silent struggles. I have had many friends who have struggled with self-injury, and though I’ve never experienced that particular issue, I’ve gone through years of fighting an eating disorder. Your words speak to so many, and you are one of far too few people who are willing to speak about these “silent battles”. Keep fighting, you have a massive army fighting along with you. <3 *hugs*

  1981. all of us … survivors of depression and suicide survivors ( the love of my life and best friend lost the battle ) Celebrate with you in the light of day.

  1982. *sigh* It’s scary that this shit never ends, and it always lurks at the corner of our eye. I’ll wear a silver ribbon for you, for myself, and for all my friends who haven’t died yet from this endless war.

  1983. I also suffer from anxiety disorder and understand how tough the daily struggle can be. I started reading your blog because, lady, you sure can bring the funny. But the truth is, you and this blog are so much more than a laugh & a big metal chicken. Thank you for sharing your amazing talent and singular sense of humor, but most of all, for yourself. Your honest, open writing touches people because you come across as a real person, imperfect just like the rest of us and not ashamed to show it. We love you just the way you are.

  1984. It was so refreshing to see this post, Jenny! I have loved reading your posts and enjoy your humor…I feel like we are kindred spirits even though we’ve never met; however, there was something even more amazing about the current post.

    The past year I’ve been thinking about something: I feel that, although this new world of Facebook, Twitter, and blogging is entertaining, I often find that reading people’s posts depresses me. I had been trying to figure out why, after reading fun happy blog posts, I was feeling so depressed! It suddenly occurred to me that it is because most people post about the GOOD, FUNNY, and HAPPY things in their lives…pictures full of smiles, laughter, vacation, etc. Even though I love hearing about the good, the happy, and humorous, I think reading all of these blog posts depressed me because I was under the false impression that everyone’s lives are so much BETTER than mine somehow, or just happier. People post about deep-rooted concerns, depression, marital problems, illnesses, family problems, etc. much less often. Your post reminded me that, we all have our hard times along with the good ones. I am not alone in my depression, my heartache, and my personal battles. While I do have wonderful moments, I also have those very difficult moments. I’m not saying we should all be posting about depressing things constantly. I just appreciate how REAL, HONEST, and OPEN you are with ALL of your experiences…happy ones, funny ones, difficult ones…

    I am so sorry you are hurting, and am happy to hear you are on the road to recovery. You have no idea how your openness about the hardships you face is helping others.

    I am, and will always be, a loyal reader of yours…through the good and the bad. Thanks for opening your life up to us and for making us all feel we have others out there to help us.

  1986. Twelve years ago, I sat on my living room floor with a bottle of pills in one hand and my phone in the other, crying. All, and I do mean all, that kept me from choosing the pills instead of the phone was the thought of my little girl growing up thinking her mother didn’t love her enough to stay with her. I chose the phone and some amazing mental health professionals helped me over the next several years. Finding the right medication took almost a year itself and I will probably need it the rest of my life. To this day, though, I sometimes lie or dodge the real answer when someone asks why I take it. Why? I never lie about taking antibiotics. I’m honest and frank about having ADD. No one ever thinks I should be able to will my asthma away.

    My brother-in-law chose the pills instead of the phone almost 5 years ago. I believe in my heart if we were more honest about what depression is, if we accepted that it was an illness, like diabetes, if we recognized the symptoms in men (because they’re different than the symptoms in women–more anger and aggression, less lethargy and what looks like sadness), he might be alive today. It might have been okay for him to choose the phone instead.

    Reading your post last night, I decided I’m never going to lie about it again. My kids deserve a mother who’s brave enough to be honest.

  1989. “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    –Christopher Robin to Pooh. A.A. Milne

    Thanks for your amazing courage.

  1990. Dear God girl. That was beautiful. Stay strong and know that we all love you. You’re such an inspiration. I’ve started blogging because of you. I’m going to send you light and love and positive healing vibes.

  1991. Thank you for sharing this. My momma attempted suicide this past Spring (thank God was not successful) all because she felt to ashamed to come out and admit she needed help. I already suffered from my own depression/self image/eating issues that I was fully aware of and would seek help for. Yet after the episode with my momma (on my 7th wedding anniversary no less) I got much worse and suffered from PTSD and sever depression. Only my close friends knew what was going on, but as with anything in a close knit group, the word spread and I was amazed at the people who reached out to me and my husband. The stories that came in from friends that I would never have expected , and of course their support made a world of difference.

    As a daughter who was taken so off guard by my momma’s suicide attempt I applaud you for realizing you need help and wanting to get better before your daughter really knows. But when the time is right and she is older, be honest with her about your struggles. I wish my momma had opened up and let us know she was struggling, but instead she hid it deep inside , letting it fester on and off for 25+ years. To us she was the happy go lucky, life of the party, always taking care of everyone else and had always told me when I needed help to come right to her cause we were a family and we would fix the issue together. The day it happened (and months afterwards) I felt like everything that had been instilled in me for the last 29 years was all smoke and mirrors. So as hard as having that conversation with you daughter might be, when the time is right have it with her.

    Again, thank you for sharing your story. I truly believe the more people began to open their minds about depression, the stigma that is is something to be ashamed of will fade away. It is a sickness just like cancer or diabetes, and it is nothing to be ashamed of!

    All things good, Allie Martin

  1992. You are not alone – and you know that – and we love you – and you know that too. Thank you, sweetie.

  1993. I am the loved one and the one who loves a family member who fights depression… this was touching and I thank you for sharing.

  1994. I understand. I’ve dealt with it too, both for myself and my mom. It’s hard when you can’t verbalize the pain and when you can’t figure out how to make it go away. We’re all rooting for you, and even though most of us have never met you, we love you. It takes a lot of strength to talk about depression, anxiety, & bipolarity, and I’m proud of you for doing that, and for getting the treatment you need.

  1995. Right there fighting with you. Everyday is a battle, everyday is a victory. Thank you for sharing and being so honest.

  1997. Dear God girl. That was beautiful. I’m sending you love and white light. Nice healing white light. You are a beautiful soul. Stay strong. Love and hugs!

  1998. OMG…thank you for having the courage to share this. I recently lost someone to what I attribute to untreated depression (my brother took his own life). It’s hard when you’re stuck in depression’s grip. Congratulations on doing your bestest to help yourself. I will proudly wear whatever ribbon someone comes up with to support those who suffer in silence.

  2000. Been there, done that; even blogged about it. Unfortunately, I don’t get the traffic this site does. Depression is hard to explain to other people, but I think you did a fairly decent job. It would be wonderful if depression was a simple single illness that could be cured with a magic pill, but it isn’t. But when you find what “cures” your depression and you finally come back into the light, it is most certainly cause for celebration.

    After having dropped out of college back in 1977, I recently dropped back in and am about to earn a degree. I feel as if my life is only starting.

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Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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