Wow.

in blogging about blogging again, important stuff, mixing medications, sickness

24 hours ago I published the hardest post I ever had to write.  I’m pretty open about my struggles with depression and anxiety disorder, but yesterday I finally decided I was ready to write about my issues with self-harm.  I can’t go into details because that’s a trigger for me (and for most people who self-injure) but I’m not sure what I expected.  I think I expected my hard-core friends and readers to say something supportive and then sort of back away slowly out of not knowing how to respond.  Instead, thousands of comments poured in.  All of them supportive, understanding, and so many relieved and hopeful that one day they could come out of the closet about their darkest secrets.  I was flooded with DM’s and emails from people who weren’t ready to come out but suffered from things I never would have imagined.  Many were from friends I’ve known for years, and I found myself wanting to say the very thing that I dreaded hearing myself.  “But you seem so normal.”  And the truth is that they are.  I once sarcastically said that “crazy is the new normal” but it’s not sarcasm anymore.  We’re all different.  Each unique.  But that uniqueness that sets us apart is also what brings us together.  Some people call it “the human condition.”  I call it “amazing.”

I can’t respond to all of the comments and emails and DM’s but I am reading them and I can’t tell you how completely unburdened I feel.  More importantly though, I want you to know what you’ve done for others.  I had a lot of emails telling me how much my post helped them.  I had many, many more telling me how the response to my post helped them.  So many people listened, frightened, in silence to see how the world would respond to something that so many think of as shameful or an aberration.  They waited for the condemnation or the silence but it never came.  Those comments you left changed lives.

Last night an email came in from a woman whose twin daughters had both committed suicide because of depression.  One had died only a few weeks ago and her mother made sure her obituary explained that depression had taken her child’s life, because she wanted people to know that it was okay to talk about it…because the more we admit these things the less we hide them away from the help we need.   Then I got an email from a girl who was contemplating suicide.  She said that after she saw the response to my post she decided that she wasn’t as alone or unfixable after all and she started the process of getting help.  You did that.  You saved someone with nothing more than the power of words.

During the night twitter exploded with #silverribbons tweets and I loved how many people made their own, or painted them on their own bodies to show support.  A lot of people asked me to offer them in my shop, but honestly you can make them for free if you have a nickel’s worth of silver ribbon and a safety pin.  If you do want to buy one though you can buy them here and here.  Any profits will go to donating new red dresses for The Traveling Red Dress Project (A project designed to celebrate women in their strongest and weakest moments).

immortal bird Tomorrow I’m off to New York to do something that terrifies me, but I somehow feel more confident now, and it’s so amazing that that could come out of such vulnerability.  Thank you.  Thank you for not crushing me when you could.  Thank you for making me stronger so that no one else can.  Thank you for saving me and for saving each other.

PS.  This post wants a picture so I’m borrowing one from the fantastic Brooke Shaden.  I don’t know what she meant it to symbolize but it’s how I feel right now.  Still broken.  Still stuck.  Still fighting.  But feeling almost weightless from having this secret lifted off my chest.  Thank you for helping me carry this.

PPS. I promise my next post will be back to sweetly-raunchy and unhinged, irreverent glory.

770 thoughts on “Wow.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. As someone who has battled with it since I was little (and now am almost 38) that was the most incredible post ever!!! Jenny, if all the responses need answers or organization, I would love to help!!

  4. I love that you can make me laugh even when I’m crying. Thank you for being so honest, which encourages me to try being honest with myself.

    <3

  6. Also, I totally hear you about the crazy-being-the-new-normal thing. We’re all messed up. My blog line is ‘Mayor of my own crazytown.” But good for you for putting it out there, in a way most people won’t (on their own, that is).

  8. You’re amazing. I know it’s a simple comment, but it’s what I’ve been thinking for two days and can’t find any more eloquent way to say.

  12. You’re you. You’re human. There’s no shame in that. I’m glad you feel supported.
    Also, you rock.
    (Disappointed that’s not you in the photo though. That woulda been more kick-ass.)

    Hang in there, Jenny. 😉

  16. Thank you, M’am, for being a voice of sensibility, sanity, support and compassion in a world sometimes lacking in those things.

  18. Jenny, I just want to say thank you. Like you I’ve suffered with depression and on top of it OCD. I’ve engaged in forms of self-harm that eventually evolved into piercing and tattooing. Like you I felt numb, and if at least I could feel pain it was something. Thank you for being brave enough to stand up and say it. Thank you for making me feel brave enough to stand up and say it. Thank you to all the supportive people here and on twitter, etc who have stood up and supported and shared.

    I’m going to make my own silver ribbon, and when people ask me I will tell them. We need to stop hiding. We need to start talking. Thank you for helping to start that conversation.

  20. Thank you for posting the original and this follow up. I have lived with depression my whole life. It’s a cloak I wear that never gets taken off, but sometimes I get to unbutton it and breath a bit easier. My brother also suffers horribly and has tried to take his life many times. I am so glad that your post saved a life. It is so hard sometimes to take the first step to ask for help. Just knowing that someone is getting help makes today a bit lighter. Thank you!

  21. I have to say, I admire you for having the courage to write about self-harm. I’ve been suffering from depression/anxiety/self-harm since I was 14 years old. I’m now 24 and still struggle and still have a hard time talking about it because once people know it seems like they never look at you the same again. Your bravery in dealing with your depression and anxiety has inspired me to finally get help this year and to finally stop being afraid of myself. So thank you 🙂

  22. Even in the darkest of times – there is always hope. With the light of a little silver ribbon, you might just help someone find their way. Thank you Jenny – I will wear my ribbon with pride xxx

  23. A friend of mine once told me “You’re broken. It’s alright. So am I.” Sweetest words I’d ever heard. You’re right, it takes the weight right off and somehow makes it not so much go away, more…feel normal.

  24. I am at a moment of flux in my life. My career went through a major drubbing last year, & I have been at a loss of how to move forward, what direction to go in. I’ve had my own struggles with the inner demons. Just after Thanksgiving, I lost a friend to depression. He committed suicide. There hasn’t been a day that does by since then where I don’t think about him, what I could have said, what I could have done, hoping his wife is okay.

    Thank you, O Blogess, for being brave, for talking about your struggles & for peeling back a very personal layer to your onion. It’s one thing to be the funny girl, but totally another to let people know that even someone as loved as you can be plagued by fear, darkness & doubt.

    Your silver ribbons will shine it out. & this all adds to the arrows pointing me int he way I need to go, what I also need to write about.

    I miss you Dan. My writing can’t bring you back. But your death can help move others forward. I will make it so.

    Love.

  25. Silver ribbons for the silver linings we all need and deserve. You are strong, amazing and brave for helping to start a conversation that I hope grows and grows, and saves lives and relationships in the process. xo

  26. I know the feeling of the picture…excellent choice! Very real, yet surreal all at the same time. Safe travels!

  27. People are pretty amazing sometimes. Thank you for bringing the opportunity to see just how connected & beautiful they/we are.

    Good luck in whatever you are doing! 🙂

  28. The support was amazing, and I posted shared your blog post with several friends. As someone who has battled depression for years and years, I could identify. There is still so much stigma in some circles, such as my family, that the battle is that much harder when those you love refuse to recognize what you are going through. I am very blessed to be married to a man who knows what I go through and does what he can to help me and keep me balanced.

  30. I think so many people connect with you because you are brave and strong and say things so many people are thinking – but who don’t have the voice you do.

    Posts such as yours truly help those of us who don’t struggle with this particular thing understand it a little bit better, to help us get it as much as we can without experiencing it.

    I hope part of you feels lighter with the release of this vulnerable, private part of you into the interwebs. I know there are many, many people who are thankful you did.

  33. We are all fighting our own battles. Some are big, some are small. I applaud your courage to share your deepest secrets – it makes my own burden a little lighter to know I’m not alone.

    Love you bunches.

  36. You are my hero in so many ways. When powerful women and men admit where they are weak, it gives those who feel weak the permission to experience their own power. You do this. Thank you.

  40. I haven’t said anything in response to any of your recent posts about depression, mostly because I have been trying to avoid the truth about me. I’m still not ready to say what I really need to say, but I just want to thank you.

  42. Thank you, Jenny. You deserve every kindness the world has for having been so brave and bringing the world together like you have.

  43. I am so crying right now. You’re right, though — your post made us feel like we weren’t alone, and then everyone came crawling out of the woodwork, out of those places where shadows live, where we hide, and said, for a moment, ‘Look, we are here!’

    It’s amazing to know all the words we shared helped others. And I’m going to remember this any time I feel like hiding instead of hitting publish, or saying something, because who knows? I’m very open on my blog about living with Fibromyalgia, and I get notes all the time from people who have it and suddenly feel less alone. And that’s amazing. Simply amazing. Makes me wonder why we all hide when we’re all dealing with the same things.

  44. I’m at work and practically crying from this post. I feel like the entire community has gotten a big hug from everyone else.

    Thank you for this.

  46. for one of the first times ever, I commented on one of your posts about my own depression. And one of your readers emailed me.

    And then today I was able to word vom on my blog about it.

    YOU did that.

    Thank you.

  47. Hi. Nobody’s normal without lots of help. Good luck on your trip, and I hope you are OK. xoxo

  50. Jenny, you are a truly amazing human being. Thank you so much for both of these posts.

  54. Your post was incredibly courageous and enlightening. Thank you for it and for today’s post about the response.

  56. Your support is well deserved. I have read your previous post and I am amazed at the bravery you have shown and I wish you nothing but the best in your battle. Battles were meant to be won – remember that.
    Your courage has likely made it easier for other people to reach out. That can be the hardest part. Bravo!

  57. There probably isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t already been said.

    So instead, i’m going to leave you with a bit of humor. I usually click on your posts b/c well they are good reads (regardless of the serious or humorous nature of the topics) – this time i clicked because the thumbnail that showed up on facebook of this lovely picture you included looked ENTIRELY like something else and like something else you’d be likely to post.

    TO me – it looked like a naked raw chicken sticking out of a window – and I thought maybe someone was gonna cook Beyonce! Ahh what the eyes and mind sometimes see…. 🙂

  59. You’re doing a brave thing coming out about your depression, and helping many, many people by doing so. It’s so easy to say, “Well, someone has to be the first to talk about this awful thing,” but it’s something else altogether to have the guts to be that first someone! I really admire you. Just wanted you to know that.

  60. The only people who we think aren’t crazy are those we don’t know very well. Once we take the time to get to know each other, to let others get to know our true selves, only then do we turn “crazy” into…amazing. And beautiful. And perfectly imperfect.

  61. Your posts, yesterday and today, make my heart happy. I’ve been clinically depressed twice, and now consciously manage my mental health everyday. God bless you for your courage and generosity. Hugs.

  62. So amazing the power we have as women to lift each other up. You have started an amazing thing by giving people the knowledge that they are not alone and it’s ok to talk about it. Take strength in that and keep fighting!

  65. You’re one of the bravest women ever, and I’m no shrinking violet.
    Keep doing good for yourself and others. Shame is a waste of good emotions.

  66. The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

  67. I felt what you said last night too. I so identified that I didn’t even know how to respond. I hate this disease that lives with me like a fucking ghost and I’m the medium who can see it when no one else can. I hate talking about it because I hate acknowledging that it holds me hostage a lot of the time but I’m beginning to see the value and power in talking about it. I mean that many people wouldn’t have responded if there wasn’t power in shedding light on the black. thank you.

  68. We are the people who thank you for having the courage to do battle openly. Someone in yesterday’s comments mentioned the difference in support when she had cancer. I went through the same thing. Cancer is something others can see and understand, whereas a brain that is intent on causing pain to its owner is something they on’t understand. And they say stupid things like, “oh, cheer up. Things aren’t so bad.”

    People who came to see me in the hospital after my mastectomy were worried about me and they showed that concern. But the people who came to see me in the hospital after a suicide attempt were scared. Scared of the hospital, scared of their surroundings, scared of me.

    Thank you for telling us it’s okay.

  69. Everyone rocks. What makes us so great is how different we are and we all carry burdens that sometimes seem to overwhelm us. Turning our heads and pretending nothing’s wrong does not work. Being open and vocal does. I don’t know you. I don’t know the people who post responses but I am very, extremely supportive. My motto is “I march to the beat of a different drummer.” And that’s okay that I do. That you do. That other people do. Let us embrace who we are and not hang our heads in shame because of other people’s opinions or thoughts. Hold your head up high and look people in the eye. It’ll change how they look at you. I’ve done it.

  71. It’s amazing how something that’s so isolating when felt can be so uniting when spoken. Keep fighting. We love to hear you. I am fortunate to not suffer from depression, but I’ve definitely been touched by it in others and know how hard they’ve had to fight to keep it at bey.

  73. we all have warts, some seen and most hidden. From obesity and the inability to keep putting food in our face to protect us from the evils we fear with layers of fat to bad behaviors that push away family and friends. YOU are not alone, and if we can just run that through our heads like a mantra than it’s another day we survive and hope for a better tomorrow.

  74. I just posted a comment on your post you made yesterday about my story of dealing with depression with myself and family. Everyone should know that they’re not alone. All of us who have dealt with this in what ever form or degree have felt isolated and alone, which snowballs the irrational feelings even more. I’m so glad that some of us “little people” helped you feel even a little bit better. I know i’ve got your back, as well as anyone else who has to suffer with any degree of this! We are all crazy in some way, none of us are normal. And those who say they are imo are the craziest of us all! Keep strong, and know we’re all here to support you in whatever way we can! 😀

  75. Your honesty and strength is nothing short of amazing. The things that happen when people band together are amazing. Everyone’s hearts are with you. Best of luck in New York. <3

  76. So brave what you have shared and given to others. Even with mild forms of self-harming tactics to know that even those that seem so “normal” may struggle just like we all do, is a precious gift. Good luck in NYC and keep your heart full of all the love that came pouring in, it’s a good buoy when we have to stare our triggers in the face and “just keep swimming.” P.S. The image is breathtaking. Thank you for sharing the photographer.

  79. Thank you for this. And for you.

    I too write a blog (an anonymous relationship blog/journal kind of thing), and one of my readers told me once, “I like your funny stuff. It’s really good; I enjoy reading it so much, and look forward to it. The other stuff… you know… the really deep stuff… is a little depressing. Actually, it’s really sad. I have a hard time getting through it. Maybe you can label your blog posts with “LIGHT” and “DEEP” so that readers know, and I can, ummm… skip those “DEEP” posts.”

    I thought about it for a bit.

    Then decided… ummm… I write my blog for me. It’s about me. And my dysfunction. It’s not about you and what you want to read. Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries, beotch.

    So, good for you. Hang in there. You’re not alone (as you’ve figured out).

  80. It reminds me of the old adage, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” When we stop hiding things, we can stop living with the shame that we’ll be discovered. It’s awesome what you’re doing, and I hope you feel every ounce of love and admiration that we all send your way.

  82. 🙁 Would so love to purchase one of those silverribbon necklaces, but it looks like getting it shipped to the UK costs as much as the necklace itself and I can’t afford a $56 necklace….

    Just wanted to say though that despite this, I am glad you got the response your post deserved and that you also heard how many people it helped. Keep fighting.

    Roiben

  84. For the second time you have brought me to tears, not from laughter like usual, but from my heart aching for you and others that suffer in silence from this terrible disease. Thank you for your bravery in speaking out. My SIL self harms, too, and I never know what to say to her or my brother when she slips to that point. I am sharing this with her so she will see that she is NOT alone and there IS hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  85. You put a face on depression, and NOBODY does that. The nature of the beast is that we withdraw in ourselves when we need others most, and depression has to be the monster that sways a lot of people to suicide, but nobody puts that in their obituary….except that amazing mom.

    You are amazing and fantastic for outing the monster and maybe shedding a little more light on him won’t add to the social stigma so many suffer under. Kudos to you.

  86. By the way, I am a therapist. I treat trauma survivors so most of my clients have with issues with depression, anxiety, and/or self injury. I have sent the majority of my adult clients to this blog with you as an example of resilience and how that doesn’t always look the same from one person to the next – how we all need to find our own ways of thriving and we don’t have to follow a socially prescribed model of “healthy”.

    Get this. YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL! A clinically verified role model. How you handled your disclosure only increases my sense of you as a trail-blazer.

  87. I picked inspire as one of my 3 words for 2012, I only hope that can do one thing this year that is even half as inspirational as the post yesterday and the conversation it has inspired.

    Again, thank you

  88. Jenny,
    You know I live in NY, if you want me to hold your hand or if u get anxious, just let me know and I will be with you asap. I mean that from my heart. And, you don’t have to be irreverent and funny next time, not until you feel like it. Laurie F.

  90. Thanks so much for your posts last night and today. My daughter suffers from panic attacks, bipolar disorder (which includes overwhelming depression), and has self harmed in the past. It’s great to know we’re not alone…my daughter and our whole family since we’re all impacted. Thanks again, Jenny.

  91. it’s like the floodgates of truth were opened for all to witness. thank heavens for your courage and for those of all who responded in as much candidness. I’m in awe.

  92. In the end you sparked a flame that became a raging, positive fire. And there are LOTS of people who will make sure to keep the flame burning 🙂
    You go girl, with all that you are, and hey – what’s normal anyways? We are the sum of our experiences, and, even though it sounds corny – a problem shared is a problem halved.
    So share, people, don’t be afraid! I’m sure there are more out there willing to listen and help than you can imagine right now 🙂

  93. It makes me happy that there are people like you who are willing to publicly talk about depression and anxiety. Even thinking of talking about it tends to trigger me, and you manage to express this in such a way as to be my mouthpiece in some cases. Thank you, Jenny.

  94. I am so grateful for these posts. I write a blog about depression myself (www.brokensaints.wordpress.com) but I don’t tell people I know (aside from a very few) because I don’t want them to think badly of me – or worse, feel sorry for me! In fact, I wanted to link to your post yesterday but I still don’t want people associating depression with me. So I guess I’m not out still, even though I write about it too…

  95. Jenny – I know how hard it is to even talk about this. I was in denial (no, NOT a river in Egypt) for years about my depression and resultant anger. Fortunately, I had someone who helped me to come to the realization that I needed help. You, through your words and post, have done the same. Not one of the thousands of supportive comments would have been posted had you not had the courage to share your “craziness” with us. Jenny, YOU have saved a life. Thank you. God Bless you. Enjoy New York.

    PS. = Knock, knock, M.F

  99. Used to judge those that suffered from depression. Didn’t even really understand it after my father committed suicide but the day after my first child was born, I woke up to an unrelenting grip of depression that gave me insight into what it must be like for so many. Thankfully my depression lifted when my hormones evened out, but that month where I felt nothing but blank doom gave me an understanding I will always remember.

  100. Thank you! You are right to think that some people will fade away, some do but your posts were so important in letting people know that there are a heck of a lot of people in the same boat. Just because our immediate “supporters” fade away, doesn’t mean that we are in it alone.

    My picture is of me under a huge mushroom, always in that shadow you know? Standing up, looking normal to the world but under a very dark shadow that only I feel.

    Thank you to you and thank you to those that have commented.

  104. Thank you a hundred gazillion times for articulating the endless battles with depression so beautifully for those of us that just couldn’t find the words. Thank you a hundred gazillion times for being brave enough to spur conversation about one of the things everyone is uncomfortable talking about. THANK YOU for being you and not being afraid to share.

  105. I love reading your posts. You are brave and strong. Also, you have made me laugh hysterically, which I need. Keep on!

  106. Your blog truly touches lives and reaches out to others. There needs to more people like you in the world! Good luck in New York tomorrow!

  107. I couldn’t even comment on your post because I was so overwhelmed by your words, and also by everyone else who commented. All I can say now is thank you for being you, the real you, not the glossy, proper, socially-acceptable you that you could easily pretend to be. And in your darkest hours of your next battle, just remember: it’s possible that you’re suffering so much because God (or fate or the universe or whatever you believe) knew you were strong enough to come out on the other side and help the ones who might not have been able to do it themselves. The people like me. Thank you, a thousand times, thank you.

  108. The title of my blog is- But my mind is still in chaos and…

    It’s a line from a song titled Say Anything by X Japan. The writer never finished that line and I’ve always wondered what he was thinking. So I borrowed that line and turned it into what I am thinking… at any given moment. Blogging about the things that get trapped in the repetitive loop of my mind helps me sort things out enough to sleep at night, and hopefully come to a resolution. Reading your blogs helps me to know I too am not alone… you and the others who comment on your blogs are right there with me. We all have our weak moments, but we also fortify each other in ways most ppl who don’t know our dark moments could never understand.

    The picture is a perfect representation of what it feels like to know you’ve opened the door to one of the darkest parts of your soul and have found if not peace, at least a lessening of the darkness… ppl who can understand and who will stand by you while you struggle… that’s what we as humans should do for each other.

    Thank you for having the courage to share something so personal. It gives others, myself included, the strength to stand up and say yes I too know how that feels.

  109. I shared your post last night to my facebook and privately with some friends that I knew it would help. We had some great conversations. Thank you.

  110. Oh my. This brought tears to my eyes and filled me with such loving feelings for people I will never meet. Those of you who suffer from depression are among the bravest I know. Love to you all.

  113. This gave me chills. This shows that the internet isn’t just full of mean people who leave hurtful comments, but people who do care about one another and want to see people survive. Your last two post show that. Thank you Jenny and the other readers of this blog!! You are all amazing people.

  114. I am lucky, I don’t personally struggle with these issues, but have so many people in my life who do. People need to know others suffer, get help and get better. They need to know they are not freaks but people who are loved. Making it OK, talking about it, is so important. You are a beautiful and courageous person.

  115. I didnt say it before but I will say it now. Thank you for your boldness, cause its made me bold. I went off my meds under pressure of family and have been struggling ever since. I am back on them and going to see my psychiatrist soon. I am sticking up for myself. I will be awesome again.

  116. Everyone is amazing. Some people just require a little more sun, a little more water, a little more time and care to bloom. Those are always the prettiest and worth the extra effort.

  118. In Taoism, it is accepted that there is no good without bad, no positive without negative and that it is in accepting the whole of the thing or person that allows you to appreciate them and allows them to function. You are who and what you are, and that is not only ok. It is exactly what it is supposed to be.

  122. Way to be bold! I have friends who struggle with depression, and my heart breaks for them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are a hero to those who suffer in silence.

  123. Because of your words, and the comments about them, I got out of bed today. I’m going to go outside tomorrow. Wearing my silver ribbon. Thank you.

  126. Sometimes the internet allows people to be horrible and judgemental without fear of reprisal. To remain nameless and faceless while they tear down people’s dreams. Bullying in it’s worst form.

    Then there are times when people rise up and support a virtual stranger because they can understand her pain.

    Empathy. A wonderful emotion that allows us to be better people.

  127. A number of years ago the comedian Christopher Titus did a special about his life. Hs mother was bipolar paranoid schizophrenic and his father an alcoholic. He expressed himself through comedy. One of the best lines (I’m paraphrasing) “those of us who have been through shit know to duck when it hits the fan.”

    I love that sentiment. My take: We calmly wait unti the shitstorm passes, get the hose, a bottle of febreze and hose down the newly stained. And say, ‘Welcome, it’s easier from this point on to see it coming. You’ll learn to duck.’

    Graylin

  128. Thank you for your strength & timing. Today was one of the hardest days in my life. I sat in a mental health office & asked for help. Real help, not just prayers & talking to girlfriends. All my love & support ~ you chicken lover.

  129. Though this is the first time I’ve commented here, I’ve been reading your blog for a bit. Most posts make me furiously happy. These last two made me cry.

    I’ve suffered from depression since I was 17 (I’m 32 now), and have never been treated. Sometimes I’m just sad, other times I’m in a bottomless, dark pit and can’t imagine finding my way out. I had a boyfried who didn’t understand at all and would say, “Smile. It’ll make you feel better”, and it would make me so angry.

    When I was 20 or so, I wrote my mother a couple of suicide notes. I was serious, but I think I also just needed to know that she knew depression is real. I’ve never told anyone that.

    Thank you, and your readers, for speaking out.

  131. I just wanted to say thanks for the recent posts on your depression. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety and self-harming and suicidal thoughts and PTSD and a million other things for most of my life, and sometimes I don’t feel normal anymore. I feel absolutely alone and stigmatized for something I never chose to have. I’ve always felt guilty for being depressed, and even though I’m in an okay place right now (although pretty damn anxious these past few days), I still feel ashamed of myself. But when other bloggers come out with their own problems, it gives me HOPE. Hope not just for myself, but hope for everyone else out there that is struggling. We shouldn’t be ashamed or feel guilty — we should accept ourselves and feel that it’s okay to ask for help, to wallow in our misery when we need to, to tell the world to suck it when things go wrong. It took me years and years to allow myself to publicly acknowledge my mental illness, and I’ve found that whenever I blog about it, at least one person will comment about how my post helped or encouraged her. And I love that. All this shit that I’ve gone through has made me into a more empathetic, kind person, and by just talking about it, I can impact someone else’s well-being. And that’s when the world feels the most beautiful to me.

    So, anyway, thank you! My thoughts are with you! You can beat the SHIT outta this depression!

  132. You are amazing, and so is everyone who responded and took to heart what was said in the wake of your post. Thank you for your bravery, and for sounding a call that proved nobody has to feel alone.

  134. Such a beautiful post, this one and yesterday’s.

    While I may not fully understand, I do sympathize. And I respect the hell out of you for sharing your story.

  135. These last two posts have touched and encouraged my heart in ways I can’t explain. Thank you.

  136. Jenny, thank you so much. Next tattoo. Silver ribbon. To remind me depression is always a lying bastard and I CAN fight back! Thank you.

  137. Thank you for being a force for so much good–in the form of funny and in the form of honesty and support.

  138. my dearest bloggess of the universe… i’m proud of you and all the other people that came out in your comments, i sat reading them until i was too tired to go on… i also want to here by give permission to schizophrenics, people with many personalities, and other diagnoses, because we are not afraid of your suffering either, we love you, some of my best friends have those two diagnoses, and they are of the funniest most charming people i know… and please everyone, don’t forget to mention Jesus, ever see the exorcism of emily rose? (the true story was much more scary) well at the end of the movie her sentiment is ‘if they see the devil exists, they will know God exists’ and all of us here have seen the devil face to face, have had him whisper death in our ear, and maybe he’s hiding God from us, but deep down, we know who to call, and it ain’t ghost busters… fight the good fight of faith my warrior princesses!!! fight on!!

  139. When I commented yesterday about my struggle, although slightly difficult to write, it took only a few minutes of my time. It did not interrupt my life or cost me anything. I just thought it was something that might help you in your struggle, the way hearing others’ stories helped me in mine. In fact, I stopped thinking about my comment not too long after I wrote it.

    But then today happened. This post happened. I will now always remember the impact one comment on a blog post can have. What one kind word can change for a stranger. This is beautiful and it brought me to tears. Thank you for reminding me that kindness is more than a moment or a word or a gesture.

  140. You are amazing. The internet is amazing.

    Despite being broken, we are all so amazing.

  141. I shared your post on my facebook page and have had a few people ask how they can help. I don’t think anyone has ever thought I was normal lol but I know most people have no clue I am Bi-Polar and have issues with self harming as well. I’m not ashamed of who and what I am but I know how upset and scared people get when confronted with the reality. I’m 45, just had my 5th child 4 weeks ago and of course I’m dealing with post partum depression but I have my support system in place with my wonderful husband. He is the reason I haven’t harmed myself in 5 years. It doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to and I don’t know if that will ever go away for any of us that have that issue, but we can fight it. I think its wonderful that people are starting to talk about depression and its effects more now and hopefully it won’t go back underground. Stay strong and know that we’re not alone in this.

  142. I’m glad all the responses and shares have helped you and others feel less alone. I love the Silver Ribbon idea and the Red Dress Project and Beyonce and Copernicus and reading your blog. I started blogging in October of this year, and you have been one of my inspirations to keep it up.

  143. Jenny, thank you so much for this. Your post last night came at a time when I was feeling alone and lost and it encouraged me to reach out and ask for the help I need.
    I’ve been struggling with depression for years and refusing to do anything about it because I was ashamed to admit I couldn’t handle it on my own. Your post and the comments from your amazing readers reminded me that I’m not alone and I don’t have to go on this way if I can summon the courage to ask for help.
    Thank you for being brave enough to say what not enough people know how to.

    Holly

  144. I had to go back and read the post from last night before reading this one. My girlfriend and I both struggle with depression, but reading your blog brought us to a point in our relationship where she opened up to me about her self harming. For all of us who struggle with depression, I am getting a silver ribbon tattoo. And whenever anyone asks what it means I will tell them. It’s time to stop hiding the truth and suffering in silence.

    All we need is love and acceptance, even if they can’t understand what we go through. Thank you, Jenny for being an inspiration to so many. You have amazing readers as well. Hang in there and keep rockin!

  145. I cried when I read your post last night. Because I could identify, because it made me feel sad that someone so accomplished could feel the same, because it seems like it’ll never go away, because I’m not alone, because you made me feel brave.
    Depression is more than just feeling sad or having a bad day. Anxiety is more than feeling nervous.

  146. Much love and mega respect to you. I’m glad you are working through your troubles and please know how much you’ve helped mine. 🙂

  147. Thanks so much for being you, living your life, and sharing everything you will with us. It is an amazing thing and I love you for it.

  148. I have battled with anxiety since puberty. My panic attacks ranged from scratching till I bled to litterally pulling my hair out. I’m turning 30 this month and with therapy and meds I’ve *almost* got it under contol. My sons are now gearing up for their own battle. But here’s the difference – their mother has a voice. My mother (their grandmother) fought her own battle in silence and watched me battle mine with no words of comfort. My children have a mother that teaches them breathing techniques and assures them they are not alone in their fight. We fight and learn together. Thank you so much for adding to our voices. I didn’t know we had our own ribbon and I can’t wait to show them that we not alone.
    <3 Tina

  149. Thank you for introducing me to Brooke Shaden. I’m kind of obsessed now, but in a healthy way. ;-P

  151. Honey, in the South we put our crazy people on the porch and celebrate them. you are welcome on our front porch anytime. We didn’t save lives, YOU DID. Now if that ain’t a 5ft metal chicken, I don’t know what is. XOXOX

  152. In 1999, I had a breakdown. Oh, I wasn’t admitted or anything, but they really really really wanted me to–to the point where they called in security. Anyway, I lost like 50lbs in 3 months with it, and whenever anyone asked me how I did it, I told them, “I had a breakdown.” My sister was with me once when I told someone, and she told me to stop saying it–even though she knew it was the truth. She said it made her, and everyone else, uncomfortable. I told her that I loved her, but she was full of shit. I wasn’t going to lie about it just because someone else was uncomfortable with the truth. Since then, the depression has become something different than it used to be. I recognize it, and while I fight it, I also wallow in it a bit. I believe that it’s my brain’s way of saying it wants to nap more. Anyway, I’ve been fighting it since at least 1989 (probably longer) but wasn’t diagnosed at all until the mid-90’s. It is survivable, but God knows, I didn’t always think so. Thank you for reminding me that the world, like my sister, is full of shit, and it’s okay for me to say so.

  153. Thank you for being so brave and inspiring. I knew there was a reason I kept coming back to your blog… I just love that you’re out there, writing what you do. You are funny, charming, irreverent, and so deeply honest. It’s wonderful. You’re awesome!

  154. One of my BFF’s just emailed me and told me I had to come read this. I recently, about two weeks ago in fact, admitted to her and our other best friend that I wanted to die. It was humiliating to admit it but their support has helped tremendously with my efforts to overcome those thoughts. I have been seeking counseling for months and finally broke down and started meds last week. I was too far past the point of no return and not even my precious children were keeping me from going farther anymore. I’m still a long way from recovery, but I have discovered in the last two weeks that a lot more people love me than I ever knew.

    Thank you for your honesty. Depression is a scary and lonely world. While I would never wish it on anyone, I am grateful I am not alone. Good luck.

  155. Your honesty is touching and your bravery is inspiring. It’s so wonderful to hear that the reaction to your post was positive, THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. If there were any negative commenters, I feel that they should be dealt with in a stabby manner, but maybe I’m being too impetuous. I’m sure there’s a more constructive way to deal with them (gonna just trail off here because I’m not sure what it is)…

    Been reading your blog for just a little while, but I’ve already fallen head over heels for your irreverent sense of humor. You had me at “Knock knock, motherfucker.”

    Hugs from one Texan to another, I wish you the best on your journey.

  156. I’m crying right now, but unlike at some of my darkest moments, I’m crying from joy. This is so amazing and I’m so glad that people are getting the help they deserve and finding comfort from our collective voice. You are all loved.

  157. It’s been more than twelve years since I last cut myself. Ten since I threw away the little tin of razors I kept, ‘just in case’, and nine since I had a major depressive episode. It gets better. It GETS BETTER. And you, and everyone with depression, deserve the time to get better. Thank you for breaking the silence.

  158. This post just totally made my day. So did all of the other comments yesterday; I just kept reading and reading and reading, and saying “Oh!” and getting a lump in my throat that was kind of a mixed ball of tears, empathy, recognition, relief, and even pride. When I first started going to counseling, I was paranoid someone would see me enter or exit the clinic, because of the stigma and judgments our society still places on mental illness (um, including me….I felt so awful having to admit to myself I needed help; I was terrified to take the step of going to counseling). I would say I was busy, or that I had “an appointment” when making plans and be as vague as possible about where I was really going. It’s been over a year since I’ve been seeing an (awesome) counselor, and now it kind of rolls off my tongue in conversation without me realizing it…there’s a moment of fear with the disclosure, but people have been more accepting and less freaked out than I would have expected. Thanks again Jenny 🙂

  159. Jenny,
    I tied silver tinsel into my hair today to go along w/ my blue feather (for mental health) today because of what you wrote yesterday. These are badges that I wear. So when people ask me why, I can tell them without hesitation that the silver is for depression and the blue is for mental health.

    I’ve had people laugh at me and call me crazy to my face, asking when am I going to the looney bin. Once upon a time that would have sent me spiraling into shame, but now I give a cheerful smile and say “Go fuck yourself. ”

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Even as I type this, I am tempted to hurt myself b/c I am making myself emotionally raw and vulnerable, saying these things out loud, but I am calmed by the fact that I know that your struggle is helping to free me.

    My heart loves you so much!

  160. Exactly! You are loved. We are all different. And so, somehow, therefore, the same. Linked in love and compassion. Linked in love and compassion. Linked in love. Shining.

  161. Thank you for your words. I do not suffer from depression, but my Mom, Best friend do. I have struggled over the years, with not understanding. I could not understand why they cant put a smile on their face and just face the day. Reading your blog and someothers, I’m finally starting to understand. Thank you again.

  162. Jenny, thank you for talking about this. Thank you for making it known that it does happen. Thank you for being you. I have never met you but I know that you are an amazing, epic person. Somedays, I am in my dark place, and I all I want to do is hide. Thank you for showing me the light, you have no idea how you have affected me.

  163. I have started posting my struggles with my sexual abuse history and my depression on Facebook. Some people are supportive, others tell me I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry, the latter get deleted. The truth is, I am who I am because of my struggles. I’m strong willed, smart, caring, funny, & a complete mess. I love my life, my struggles make me stronger and more empathetic. 4 yrs ago I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol Pm. My sister got me to the hospital just in time. I was in intensive care for 7 days and the doc said “I almost did it right.” I will NEVER try that again. I realized those closest to me loved me and all those years of them ignoring me was just because they thought they failed me, they didn’t protect me from harm, sexual, physical, & emotional abuse. People around you care, they are sometimes scared, but most of them are amazing and supportive. Thanks for the post. I cried with relief knowing everything I felt was exactly the same for at least one person. I was completely alone in my depression/PTSD.

    Thanks. Even though I’m good now, I too go through stages. I now have something to read when I’m down and out.

  164. First of all, I know I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Thank you. For opening yourself up like this, talking about your struggles. Thank you too for being a light in the darkness. I don’t have any epic stories to tell, but I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, I’ve only recently discovered your blog, but I want to tell you one of my dirty little secrets.

    You’re my happy pill.

    When I feel the darkness coming I flip over here, read through the archives, you’ve never failed to make my day a little brighter. And even more than that…I’ve recently begun sharing out my prescription. One of my best friends was in the hospital all of last month, in chemo, and one day I just decided I wanted to make him laugh. So I introduced him to Beyonce (color me too lazy to type an accent). Before long he was howling. I don’t think he’d laughed that hard since Granny waltzed in with a pizza and dared the nurses to say anything to her.

    Never underestimate your own power, and seriously..if you were normal I wouldn’t laugh so hard and then where would we all be?

    Depressed and not funny and on too many drugs. That’s where.

  165. I love you, I love you, a million times love you. I often go to your blog to read what you have posted, funny, serious, or just information. I read yesterday too and cried because you felt you could share with us all your struggles, personal deep secrets, and what you are going through. Thank you for sharing it. If it was not for you, there would be some who would not be able to “come out of the closet” of anxiety and depression. You did this. You started it. We just felt it was okay because you came out. Again, I don’t know you, but I love you more than I can express. Thank you for this blog, for opening up, and thank you most of all for being YOU.

  166. Your last post inspired me to share a bit on my own blog, not so much about my struggle, but how I am fighting it. I fought it terribly last year and this year I refuse to let it take hold of me and destroy me. I hope others read your blog and realize we are not alone, we can be a support team.

  167. This is proof positive that you and your readers CAN make a difference in the lives of others. Thank you, Jenny, for being brave enough to talk about your “secret”. People like you (and your readers!) make the world a better place!

  168. There really isn’t anything called ‘normal’ and the sooner we all realise this and stop judging each other for not fitting in the better we all feel.

    We’re all weird. We’re all broken. But we’re also wonderful, beautiful human beings, every single one of us.

  169. i was diagnosed with biopolar disorder two weeks ago after suffering for 22 years, thinking i could just “will” myself out of this, never quite finding the end of the string in this huge tangled ball of yarn that is my brain and emotions. i don’t openly talk about it – this is the first time addressing it outside of a small inner circle of friends – but i know how important it is to know you’re not alone. we don’t all have such a platform to do this. what a good thing you have done here, simply being real <3

  170. You are a brave soul. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I have bipolar disorder and have also self-harmed in the past. There are days where it seems like it would be so easy to let go. It is deeply moving to know how many people you helped just by being strong enough to be honest. Thank you.

  171. Thank YOU for being brave enough to step up & open up. Personally, I found it was an incredibly timely piece. One of my co-workers committed suicide last week and we all found out this week. None of us knew she was in that place. Of course, the first thing you think when you hear a friend has taken her life away from yours and everyone else’s is that you should have KNOWN…you should have said that one thing, should have been there that one time. You wish you would have made that extra step to be nice instead of snarky. You wonder what you could have done to stop this from happening. And even if you know that depression doesn’t work that way, that sometimes there is no one easy solution, that there was no one thing any one person could have done to gain a different outcome in that moment, in the back of your mind, you always hold a little self-blame because you weren’t nice enough, available enough, understanding enough, good enough to that person who is no longer here.
    The thing, though, is that the next thought a lot of people think is, “I just don’t understand why anyone would ever do that to herself” and I think that type of questioning is where a problem starts. I think that type of not-understanding is where the shame and the hiding and the not-being-able-to-be-open-and-honest begin to take root. “I don’t understand” immediately makes you need to defend whatever it is about you that they don’t understand because it’s not an invitation to help that person understand, it’s an accusation as to your general wrongness. “I don’t understand why you don’t want to have babies” “I don’t understand why you would mutilate your body like that” “I don’t understand why you only love other men” “I don’t understand how people can be so stupid” – it is all the same message.
    And that is why I am so thankful you posted your story when you did because for every co-worker of mine who said, “But why would she want to die? Why would she want to hurt herself? Why didn’t she just [insert solution]?” I was able to point them to your post and say, “Because it doesn’t work like that. It’s just not that easy and just because you don’t have those feelings doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to understand why someone else does.”
    I don’t know if my co-workers read your post. If they did, I don’t know if it helped them understand any better. But if it helped make even just one more person accept that depression is an oppressive dictator that can’t always be overthrown, that it’s not a personality flaw or a weakness of will or a lack of spirituality, that it’s a real and horrible thing that people around us have to fight with every single day…then maybe their understanding will help them do that one thing, say that one thing, be that one person who helps someone else in their time of need. I know that’s not how life works, but still…maybe.

  172. the only way i get to learn more about myself is by talking to someone else…

    you’re a brave woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend, author, artist, comedian and human.

    we’re all broken and the moment we accept this is the moment we begin to heal.

    safe travels in NYC. kick some ass.

  173. We all love you for being you, and for saying exactly what you think and feel…whether the end result be laughter, tears, or vulnerability. Your words are raw, and real. My grandfather suffered from bipolar disorder when my dad was in high school. He could not tell anyone of his depression/mania…he was the town dentist and this was just not something to be talked about. He took lithium (one of the few medications at the time to treat this) but did not get his levels checked regularly because he had to have it done secretly. His moods were erratic and unpredictable…his highs were high, and his lows were lower than low. He committed suicide by shooting himself in the head when my dad was a teenager. He left behind a strong, loving wife and 4 sons…age 16, 14, 12, and 10. It is so sad to me that because he could not talk about this with anyone that his wife lost a husband, his sons lost a dad, and I never got to meet my grandfather. So thank YOU for stepping out there and helping others gain strength through your brave spirit.

  174. So very proud to say I read you. Your bravery and honesty is what dreams are made of. Thank you.

  175. Jenny, all this makes me so happy. I am glad you are able to feel the love. There is so much of it here for you, and you have so much for all of us, too; a great big circle of love and acceptance. Also if you want any support while you are here in New York, a friend to eat lunch or have a cup of coffee with, a safe place to hide out, just DM me, I’m right here in the city!

  178. Again you leave me without the right words. The world is a better place because we can all just shout: Hey! I’m broken too! Thank you.

  180. I’ve known a few creative people in my life, such as yourself. And they are all hugely loving, fun to be with, sparkly, crazy, and beautiful thinkers that really know how to tap into those special places in their brain. But with that creativity often comes a dark side. At times I’ve gotten angry with those same creative people and I’ve even said the dreaded words : “Why can’t you be normal??” (whatever normal is).

    I’m now 46 and understand the world a little bit better. And after having lost a good friend to suicide (who was like a second father to me), I can now understand that depression is a disease. You don’t want to feel that way and can’t help it. I can’t even imagine what that must be like to have thoughts like that and you simply can’t get away from them. I bow to your courage. I can hope I would be that strong, but I can’t be sure.

    I’ve finally learned that we ALL need to do whatever it is we need to do to help ourselves be whole, happy and healthy. Period. And there is no such thing as *normal*. I’ve also learned that those that call themselves *normal*……those are exactly the ones I should run from. Because they are the ones that are crazier than shit!

    You write whatever it is you want to write about. Don’t feel like you have to immediately go back to writing what you are known to write about just because you think your readers have had enough of what you are currently going through. If they don’t understand and are just waiting for the “Court Jester” to come back and make them laugh, screw’em. You. do. what. you. need. to do.

    Much love & admiration,
    Bonnie in Rat Town, Flori-DUH (and I mean….DUH)

  181. Jenny, I left a very brief comment yesterday, not feeling like my story was “enough” to share given what you’re faced with, but the fact that people are reading the responses and gaining something from them has reminded me that every story is important.

    So here it is, for anyone who is feeling the same thing: I suffered from Post-Partum Depression for several years (undiagnosed for quite a long time), and although it presented mainly as a general malaise and apathy, I have to remind myself that it’s no less important than the more severe forms depression takes. It’s important enough to seek help for, even when your depression isn’t of the self-harming or suicidal variety. Counselors and medications DO help, and it’s not your fault that you can’t “snap out of it.” Hugs to all.

  183. The story about the girl who stopped herself from committing suicide after reading this post and comments really touched me. I almost didn’t contribute a comment last night, because I thought “Oh, it’ll just get lost in the shuffle of the other comments”. I’m glad I posted something. I realized that there’s no such thing as getting lost in the shuffle when everyone is contributing to the same collective thought of strength and support. Maybe she didn’t read my comment…maybe it only took the post, or just a few comments to help her realize we’re all struggling. Regardless, it’s been a while since I’ve felt attached to a cause greater than myself.

    It might take a while for me to build up the courage to share my struggles with people involved with my everyday life, but I know reading these posts and comments will help me get to that point a lot sooner than I would have without them.

  184. To be honest I had never heard of you before yesterday. Someone I follow on Twitter retweeted your ‘Hardest post I ever had to write’ without saying what it was about. As a writer, I was curious as to why it was so hard to write, so I had to check it out. I read it so quickly the first time I hardly understood half of it and had to reread it later, more slowly. As someone who has struggled with depression for the last three and a half years or so, I know exactly where you are coming from. I also self harmed for a while before I got help from my counselor, so I understand that too. I am glad you have the guts to talk about about–even if it’s only the ability to mention it and go no farther (I don’t like to talk about it either).
    I am not alone, nor are you, nor is anyone else with depression. We can get better.
    Also, next time I see silver ribbon, I fully intend to get it and make a bunch of little support ribbons! 🙂

  185. THANK YOU! I finally felt comfortable talking to my mom about the depression our whole family suffers from. She sometimes jokes about being on anti-depressants for so long, but we don’t have enough open conversations about it. Thanks for starting this conversation and bringing awareness to the silver ribbons, too.

  186. To quote a character from Doctor Who:
    “The sky is full of a million million voices, saying, ‘Yes, of course! We’ll help!” You’ve touched so many lives, saved so many people. Did you think when you’re time came you’d really have to do more than just ask? You’ve decided that the universe is better of without you. But the universe doesn’t agree.”

  187. I almost cried when I read this. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 12. I used to self-harm as well, and to be honest, sometimes I think about it still, though I haven’t actually done it in a long time.

    This makes me want to get silver ribbons tattooed all over my body. Seriously. It feels so good knowing there are others out there feeling the exact same thing I am.

  188. I can’t tell you how much these two posts have meant to me. When I read your blog, I always feel like you are the coolest, funniest, most with-it woman I could think of. But knowing that you go through what many of us go through without ever saying anything, makes me not only think you’re even cooler… It makes me feel a lot better about myself. It makes me feel like I’m not so f’d up and weird afterall. Thank you for helping empower us. You are awesome.

  189. Jenny,

    I really admire you for making so many people smile- even when you’re hurting yourself. Saying “I know it’s tough” doesn’t seem adequate- but I hope you remember how many people appreciate you.

    I’m not sure if I saw it here or on pinterest or on twitter (or do I follow you anywhere else?) byt I really liked the explanation of feeling depression vs. having depression- like how its different to feel cold vs. have a cold.

    I also hope you remember that so many people know you as the woman who saved christmas for so many families. That was AWESOME. I just read through the comments on those posts and got all teary again. You’re AWESOME.

    All my love,
    Maggie

  190. And, to completely sweep any heartfelt-ness out of that comment, the site I copied that quote off of used the wrong “your/you’re.”

  191. I thought about your earlier post all day. 19 years ago my uncle committed suicide. He struggled with depression for many years and self-medicated on and off for as long as I had known him. And until this morning, I was mad at him. Angry. Pissed. He took himself away and left my father with no siblings. My grandparents are gone. My dad has no touchstone. My uncle left his daughter with no father. And it made me mad. Until this morning. And then that anger was replaced with an epiphany. I don’t feel sorry for him. And I’m not angry anymore. I see my uncle as someone who suffered from a disease. Just as my mother died from a stroke. And my grandparents from cancer. This is no different. I wish I had reached out and listened even though I wasn’t old enough to understand. I wish my grandmother had understood more. I wish he hadn’t felt so ashamed that he would have said I Need Help! But, I know there are many many others who read this today and maybe, just maybe, they felt a sense of relief. Or at least a ray of light. And my heart feels whole. And I feel my uncle is resting so much more peacefully. And he deserves that. And so do I. And so do you. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. And thoughtfulness. And patience. And understanding. It set many of us free and that is the greatest gift of all.

  194. I posted on the original blog and posted it on Facebook with a bit of my own struggles…. I am one of those people who started out telling those closest to me (not my family but friends) and those who might notice a change when I went on medication. I was very good at hiding the scary part of my depression from everyone who didn’t live with me. Once people found out they said, but you seem so HAPPY. Of course I do, it’s a MASK. I hide my true self. from everyone, at least I did. My anxiety was so bad even on my medication that I was crippled with it when I went to leave to go to work one day. I wanted to be home with my two boys (at then 1 & 2) I held them while I cried and then called my boss and quite on her voicemail. I then called my mom (who watched my boys) and my husband…. he already knew it was getting bad and work was part of it. I was so paranoid and no one knew or understood. After that it go better, but telling people and explaining it to them helped. Also helped me to be able to tell people when I was having a not so good day.

    I applaud you and everyone else who shares their story with anyone. When I was at my worst, even though I was not suicidal I told my husband if I were to die and it was due to something I did because of my depression to make sure it said so in my obit, maybe it would help someone.

  195. I know someone who told me once, “When I can’t even think of the words to pray, I just say, ‘God, be big!'”

    Jenny, go be big. I know you can.

  196. Sweetheart, we love you. You are an amazing person in so many ways, and your writings bring so much important stuff into the world.

    My students love you too. Your blog posts are among the most asked for texts in my classroom.

  197. As the mother of a son who carries many scars from self harm I would like to thank you. You may not have intended the results you received but you gave a voice to somany that felt they had none. I have been a longtime fan of your writing but have a new respect for you as a person. Thank you for giving a voice to those who felt they had none.

  199. Crying for you pain. For my own. For the ones that lost the battle. For the one who are still fighting.

  201. I would totally support a ribbon. I dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life. I’ve been plenty suicidal in my younger years and I was a cutter before I knew there was a term for it. We didn’t talk about such things. I was made to feel like getting help was a sign of weakness. That I was pill dependent and should have sucked it up. That is until a few years ago when one of my brothers was forthcoming about his own issues and his encouragement that we didn’t have to suffer silently. I have him to thank for getting it back together. Even so, my boss at the time was insistent that I keep my “issues” private, even to the point of hiding my medication from others. It felt like she was implying that I should still be ashamed. I refused. I am forthcoming about it in the hopes that someone else will realize that this doesn’t need to be something they have to struggle with alone. (Also she’s no longer my boss, so win!)

  202. Honestly, I was too scared to comment the other day but I want to tell you … I bawled like a baby as I was reading your post and the comments. And the tweets. I’ve lost several friends to suicide (from depression) and it’s something I struggle with. Running has helped with the seasonal aspect of my depression, but it can still rear it’s ugly head when I’m least expecting it. To everyone to was able to share a story or just sent up a little prayer for those of us living it, Thank you. You’ll never know who read what you wrote or heard what you said and how much it meant to them.

  203. This brought me to the brink of tears. The only reason that I didn’t give in was because my daughter would think something was wrong. God bless that poor mother. As well as everyone else who suffers from depression or any other mental disorder. I totally wish I could be where you are in NY so that I could give you a great big hug for all that you are and all that you do for others. Thank you.

  204. The people that really love you will love the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the sick and the healthy in you. I love you Jenny! Big hug!

  205. Brava!! Thank you for writing about something all of us survivors should talk about more. I’m getting me one of those silver ribbons!

  206. You ROCK, oh ye bloggess! Oh ye GODDESS! Yesterday, when I finished reading your post, I literally said aloud, “Wow!” It was truly one of the most amazing pieces I’ve ever read. You are always “out there”, but this time, you REALLY put yourself out there. You, dear lady, are amazing and inspiring! Thank you for being (and sharing) ALL that you are.

  207. Jenny…I didn’t respond last night because typing all this on my phone was beyond me…but thank you! After watching someone I love become a widow at the age of 35 when the love of her life was taken by depression, a depression he feared getting inpatient treatment for because people would “find out”, I was both relieved and frightened when the family stated plainly in the obituary that he died of suicide due to depression. Relieved that finally someone was saying it and frightened of what people would think, and how we would explain it to the kids, and all that stuff. Just like any illness or cause of death, the more openly it is discussed the more support the victims and survivors and caretakers will find. They need it and they deserve it.
    The silver ribbon is nice, but I imagine your red dress pictures taking on the iconic status of the pink ribbon and empowering those who have been held down by depression. You have that kind of reach, that kind of influence, and I don’t think it’s an accident that you have found a giant megaphone. You are a light in the darkness for a lot of people, and it is in part for our own sake that we stretch our hands out to you, hoping to keep that beautiful light from going out.

  209. Someone had to open the dialogue to get people talking. And now that the floodgates are open, good things can come of it. I hope the depression lets go of you soon because it’s a desperate liar trying to keep you in its cave.
    And I kind of want to turn a silver ribbon into a sword and slay some dragons, just because it sounds like something my anxiety won’t let me do but it also sounds like fun.

  210. Totally in tears right now. Jenny, YOU did this. YOU saved a person. Because YOU spoke up; we were compelled to respond. I find that when we write from our hearts people REALLY respond – they respond deeply and sincerely. And because of YOU and YOUR words we saved at least one person. Much, much love to you.

  211. Jenny,
    There used to be a commercials in the early 90’s where people were walking around with diseases stamped on their foreheads for some medication, so a friend and I used to joke that we felt like we had “Former Mental Patient” stamped on our foreheads. At the time I was trying to get health insurance at a small business, and it was horrible b/c no one wanted to insure me b/c of my history of anti-depressants. And the group therapy I was in–we all slunk out afterwards and weren’t allowed to talk to one another outside of therapy. Why not? Having depression was like having some dread disease that you couldn’t talk about. You were just supposed to ‘get over it.’

    I think we all know that it isn’t something you get over. It’s something you try to live through. Cheers to Victor for helping you, and love and hugs to you for your valient struggle. Keep us updated please. We’re all struggling with you 🙂

    Heidi

  212. I love you. I don’t know you and I know so much about you and I love you. Thank you.

  213. Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is 18 and suffers from depression and has had issues with self harm. As a mom, it tears me apart. She does get counselling and it will probably continue for a long time. I think that you are amazing and thank you for giving me some kind of light at the end of what some days appears to be a very dark tunnel.

  215. If you fly over St. Louis, wave. I will be there. I started meds today. Thank you for gutsing me up enough to call my doctor and asking for help.

  218. Jenny, thank you. Just…thank you. I wanted to comment yesterday but I was just too emotional. You are brave and generous. Thank you for giving us a voice.

    Crush you? How could anyone want to, when your light was shining for all to see.

    Thank you. Again.

  219. I can’t thank you and your readers enough for being so amazing! You are one of my hero’s!

  220. *** If you need my cell phone, please get in touch with me ( NY) AND I will send it to you so you have it. Wow, Jenny, just look at what you have done for the world. I have a blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago named “Aren’t We All Damaged In Some Way?” –it’s true isn’t it?! With love, Laurie F.

  222. I went and bought a silver ribbon necklace. I sometimes carry around pictures of my children in my back pocket to remind me why I keep going. Now I’ll carry this necklace and hold it and remember.

  225. To Write Love on Her Arms – a website about self hurt and awareness of depression and mental illness.

    http://www.twloha.com/vision/

    To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

    VISION:

    The vision is that we actually believe these things…

    You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

    We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart – he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

    We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

    You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We’re seeing it happen. We’re seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it’s worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it’s possible to change.

    Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

    The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

    The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

    The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

    The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

    The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

    The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

    The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.

    The vision is hope, and hope is real.

    You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

  226. Thank you for reminding me that there are people who do understand what I go through every day as a “Bipolar-American”. They may not be the people that I need to understand it, but they’re out there, they are legion, and they are some of the strongest people I’d like to have my back at any given moment. We all need to remember how strong we are just to survive with a mental illness. Thank you, Jenny, and hugs from a stranger to you.

  228. I was in tears before….but am now sobbing openly because I’ve taken the time to read the comments (your words made me post the comment before reading them). Am beginning to realize, that people DO care; more than we we think. And if strangers can care – then our families/loved ones might even care more – if we were honest.

    Stop making me cry, Jenny.

  229. I’m just glad you feel like you can come on here and be so open with everyone and not be afraid to show how you are really feeling. You are a real person, with real feelings and real struggles, and not hiding behind some persona who is fake. Thanks again Jenny.

    C-
    xoxo

  230. to the mama who lost both of her babies to depression – i’m so, so sorry and wish i could do something to make you feel better. -another twin mama

  231. Love you to bits, Miss Jenny. Backing away slowly from this community which embraces you and me and all our neurosis could never be an option. Standing together tight and strong will keep each of us propped up in our own moment of weakness. And think of all the new jewelry opportunities now that we’ve adopted the silver ribbon en masse! xoxo

  232. Jenny – you are truly amazing in your ability to help people while you try to help yourself. Much appreciated!

  234. Wonderful follow-up post. I just woke up, so my head is a cloud of “OMFG GO BACK TO SLEEP” and “Mmmm…breakfast”, but I’m glad to read that so many other folks found a little comfort and peace (and perhaps kindred spirits) as a result of yesterday’s revelation. People underestimate how relationships form/work online, but they often start from just simply reading a passage by a stranger who shares a situation/feeling.

    Your post was powerful and important, for both your own healing and for those who snet you private messages because they were/are asahmed and afraid. I hope everyone can continue to heal and grow stronger knowing that they are never alone.

  235. Thank you so much for writing openly about these difficult issues. I’ve been blessed that depression hasn’t touched me or my loved ones, but it’s very important for me and others like me to hear first hand accounts. You are the reason why people like me understand – at least a little bit – how hard a battle you fight every day.

    Now, changing subject completely, come to NYC, it’s awesome and more awesome. If you have any time for yourself one afternoon, visit high line park, it’s so serene and beautiful! And of course, I’d love to show you around 🙂

  236. Honey, we’ll take your posts any way they come, funny or serious! You’re brave and AMAZING and why are you coming to my state and not stopping by?! I’d love to give you a whopping hug and buy you a doughnut (that’s what I do with people I love). xoxo Safe travels. Chin up. You, my dear, are a rock. effing. star.

  237. Lady, you have some FIERCE. COURAGE.
    I will make a silver ribbon. I’m surprised no one ever thought of it before.
    I’ve never self-harmed, but I know why it helps when there’s nothing else. I know what the deadness feels like. When you’re falling down the rabbit hole and coming back up is the most impossible, difficult and painful thing in the world.
    I also know what it feels like when your head pops up out of the hole and the sun shines on it again as if for the first time. It feels weird, because the pain has become more familiar than feeling okay. I’m glad you’re above ground again, Bloggess, because I love your unhinged irreverence. What I love even more is how you say out loud what everyone else is too hinged to say, even when it needs to be said. Keep it up. *deep breath*

  238. Jenny,

    Whether you are being brutally open and serious or brutally raunchy and snarky, you are wonderful and courageous. And adored, just as you are. Thank you – every broken, fabulous, incredibly amazing molecule of you.

    You = hero.

  239. Thank you for posting. Thank you for reading my blog post and thank you for posing a reply. I never could have imagined when Wil Wheaton mentioned your blog, I would read it and feel like I can relate to you, as if I knew you all along.

  240. Thank you again — you are wonderful and amazing — and funny, which is why my daughter connected me to you, but this is so brave and strong. That you can be funny in between times is so incredible.

  241. It’s that old “turn about is fair play” stuff or something like that my mom used to preach.

    You’ve made life good for so many with your words….now let so many make your life good with their words.

    More big love. Lots more.

  242. I am going through the same types of things and just started blogging about them. I am not the best writer, but I write what I feel.
    I “self-harmed” a couple days ago for the first time. I haven’t written about it either. It scared me, but there was such a strong urge to do it. I have to say – I don’t regret it, but I need to talk about it.
    If you have any advice, please feel free to give it. http://therantingsofa30somethingguy.blogspot.com/

    Thanks for being so open. You never know how many people are thanking you for your help.

  243. Thank you. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with depression, my dad committed suicide this year and we couldn’t understand. We know more now – he was sick, he was feeling weak and alone. I never want to get to that point. I’ve been seeing my doctor for depression and I’m open and honest about the meds I take and how I’m feeling – that helps me, it doesn’t help everyone in my situation, but I’m so grateful to have the amazing friends and family in my life who help pick me up when I’m falling. I’m grateful for your post, none of us are alone. Thank you.

  244. Wow! Just wow!!!! The faith and hope displayed have made my heart warm and my eyes fill up.

  245. I have to say what you did took courage. I have a new found respect for you as a person, a woman and a creative person. How you were able to create your blog content while struggling defies all logic but takes a lot of heart. Thank you for being a voice with those who suffer and fight with depression and sometimes are not able to tell anyone. I have been there and know loved ones who suffer in silence.

    You have the support of your fans and most importantly Victor. Thank you for sharing something so private. You have once again used your voice to say the things most could not. You have not only gained additional support but helped those obtain hope, not live in fear and judgment in a world that could care less at times. I think we need to make a silver Beyonce. Salute!

  246. You are amazing, Jenny. You inspire. I came very close at one time to that same struggle. We feel your pain. We love you. We are all very proud of you for speaking out. For standing up.

    Thank you.

  248. One of my best roommates in college was a cutter. She told me and said she was on Zoloft and had it under control. I wasn’t sure what to think or so, so I just said “ok”. And left it at that. But we were watching tv when a commercial for the drug that worked for her came on, we watched and when the little sad bouncing blob turned happy, she and I would laugh and say “look, thats you!”. Some how that dumb bouncing blob on the drug commercial managed to make it an ok thing to talk about without any feeling of taboo. We’d laugh and move around the room in the bouncing blob type of movement (why? i have no idea, but we found it hilarious at the time). Thank God for that dumb blob icebreaker b/c she felt comfortable enough to come to me when she was even thinking about it, and we’d watch a Disney cartoon and laugh and it would be enough to pull her back from “the edge”. If she hadn’t been comfortable with me, I think there would have been a lot less Disney movies, and a lot more scars. If only the icebreaker was that obvious every time, then maybe no one would have to feel so alone in their suffering.

  249. Jenny, you are a fantastic woman and changing lives all the time. You have brought so much laughter into my life and those of my friends. I’ve had a hard time with depression the last several months, and it helps to hear what other people are going through. Good luck in NY — hope it goes well. I’ve pre-ordered your book and look forward to reading that!

  251. What is normal anyways? Why would we think any differently of you? I only think more highly of you for speaking out about something that shouldn’t be kept a secret because as it DID do…it will help someone. That is the amazing power of honesty making a difference in that one person’s life. (and probably many more you don’t know about). I’ve felt the crushing weight of depression and it isn’t a world I care to go back to ever again. I refer to them as the “dark years” and they are literally a blur. With support of great friends I pulled out of it. Absorb the strength from your fans’ support and love and show NY what it isn’t ready for…the awesome you…and possibly a new stuffed sidekick for the collection…who knows. 🙂 All the best and hugs to you. Keep up the fight fabulous lady.

  252. I love you and all those struggling in silence to whom you give a voice! None of you are alone. You never have been, and now you know it thanks to Jenny and her courage. We really are all in this together, and are a part of the same family. If anyone wants someone to talk to personally, please feel free to email me. We may be ‘strangers,’ but strangers are just friends waiting to happen. :o) And I can’t hug you from here, so you don’t have to worry about the strangle. ;o)

  254. I’m a recent fan, having only discovered your hilarity a few months ago. You have made me laugh til I cried and simply cry with joy at the incredible community you have built here. You are an inspiration. I applaud your honesty and openness. Keep fighting- we love you!

  255. I commented on the last post and I’m sure this one will be once again lost in a sea of support, but for me, I wanted to add that sitting at home on my couch–still mired in my own struggle–I still draw strength from your words and those of others. My story doesn’t involve death or suicide, it’s never been about that much of an escape, but it does involve a constant, often painful struggle to put one foot in front of the other while projecting an image of “normalcy. ”

    Well, not normal, as I humorously share my “issues” on my blog and am also quite open about things, but I never admit to their depth. I often think it’s something I just “need to get over.” You–and your readers–are a reminder that no one is normal and we’re all more similar than we realize. Who needs normal, anyway? We have each other.

    We have strength in words and numbers.

  256. “I live in my own little world but I have friends here.” Anonymous

    P.S. At first I thought the woman in the pic was falling and then I realized she was being lifted up.

  257. Two years ago instead of going to work one morning, my brother pulled into a parking lot and shot himself in his car on a cold March day. I knew he was battling depression but I didn’t know that it was telling him so many lies. Depression is a lying cock sucker. He was beautiful and now he’s gone. One of his co-workers told me at the funeral “There is nothing you can do now to save him. Your job now is to find the ones you can save.” I think I’ll make a silver ribbon and see who I can find that is still walking in darkness that won’t leave. Thank you for giving them a voice, Jenny.

  258. Jenny, I don’t believe I’ve ever posted before, but I wanted to share with you that you have been a huge inspiration to me, and I think you’re an incredibly strong, brave, talented, and funny woman. I admire you for posting your battle, which in turn, has given so many of us a voice, and hope. I’ve been battling, too, but don’t share it with anyone. They just wouldn’t understand. I’ve been close to trying to end my life 3 times, the most recent being last February, right after I’d had major neurosurgery – to the point of lining up all the pill bottles in my house, counting them out, researching on the internet, and figuring out that if I just kept swallowing, the pain would finally stop. I’m not entirely certain exactly why I haven’t just gone and done it, other than having seen the damage it can to do the survivors (and that my youngest son would be the one to find me).

    Thank you, and many blessings to you and your family.

  259. Blogging changes the world by changing people’s perceptions.
    You blog.
    You have changed the world.
    This is a good thing.

  261. Love, love these posts. Thank you so much for taking the risk and hitting publish. It is awe-inspiring to see the effects that these posts, and comments, and tweets are having.

  262. You say it and make it real for so many who need to know it is ok to struggle with feelings, emotions and actions as part of the process to getting to their own place of self. The glory of you is your ability to help others laugh and see that crying is all part of the path. I’m stull trying to figure out how soda or milk through the nose is healing but hey, that’s the risk we all take.

    Thank you thank you

  263. I sent your post to a friend. I hope it’s as powerful to her as it was for me.
    Keep on fighting, Jenny. The world is a brighter place for all of us with you in it.

  264. I am a mother and a blogger that has suffered from depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and the occasional bout of Agoraphobia due to Bi-Polar disorder. If only the rest of the world could be as supportive as this group here I would not be so afraid to tell the truth about myself.

  265. I’ve never posted, but I am a devoted reader of your blog. I <3 you. You have made me smile many days when I really couldn't imagine doing so before I clicked. Just remember – What doesn't kill us, makes us stranger.

    Love you – really – and have never met you and probably never will. I am happy today to know that I am at least in good company 😉

  266. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now, I think I was about seventeen when I started reading it. When I was nineteen, I developed relatively debilitating arthritis in both knees, and as someone whose main activities were field archeology and Japanese swordsmanship, and who has never handled long-term pain very well, that was rather problematic. I didn’t really have a support system, and there was a lot of other crap happening, some of which was the reason there was suddenly no support system. I didn’t tell anyone, someone on my hall told me about a week before I was hospitalized that she liked the fact I was always smiling. I almost didn’t call anyone. I don’t think I would have, if I hadn’t been reading this blog, if it hadn’t seemed like maybe mental illness wasn’t something to be kept secret at all costs. A year later, I’m trying to become someone even half as brave as you, and not hide, or lie, or pretend. So…thanks, for saving, and changing my life.

  267. BRAVO! You are wonderful for sharing. As someone who battles depression and has led a long battle with dealing with abuse issues from my childhood, I have found that giving voice to my problems has lightened the load I have felt crashing in on me for years. I applaud your courage as well as those you have surrounding you who lend you their strength when you need it. Well done!!

  268. Jenny – you are one of the most beautiful souls I know. So brave. With more strength than you allow yourself credit. You have done something amazing here. By sharing your journey, you have let thousands of other people embrace their own with a little more acceptance. I hope that alone continues to carry you forward on both up and down days. xoxo

  269. I was going to post when I read yesterday. Then, I held back, embarrassed. I suffer from depression and have, unfortunately, listened to people who said I should just quit being negative, that I was weak for being depressed. I appreciate how open you were. It had to be scary. I do often feel like I should be able think positively and magically never fall into the black hole of apathy and sadness that rears its head. I was also touched by the comments, grateful people who don’t understand didn’t judge. You have a following and you’re using your influence for good, which is something more people should do. Thank-you.

  270. I am in the trenches with you, Jenny. I have found some weapons to be more effective than others, and i want to share one with you; Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese.
    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
    You just have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours,
    And I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile, the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    Are moving across the landscapes,
    Over the prairies and the deep trees,
    The mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    Are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    The world offers itself to your imagination,
    Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting,
    Over and over announcing your place
    In the family of things.

  271. Thank you. For everything that you do, thank you. You are a wonderful person, and your strengths and struggles help me in my own battle.

  272. I understand.

    I also know how justifying it can feel to have people come out of the woodwork, telling you that they’ve been there. People you thought you knew so well… but never really knew. It’s nice to know you’re not alone.

    You are a survivor.

  273. You are amazing Jenny! I just sat in the Dr Office for an hour and half today with my best friend in the whole world. A piece of me would die without her. And while she dug deep for the courage to talk to her Dr about the feelings of depression she’s been experiencing I saw a woman who was so strong in fighting her way back to a fuller life. I was so proud of her =)
    I myself just was diagnosed last spring with an anxiety disorder. I was terrified at first. Why for the first time at 33 was I just now experiencing this lapse in control of my own life? What had triggered it? Why couldn’t I get a grip and was I weak for seeking help and medication? So many feelings and emotions flooded through me trying to make the decision to take back control of my life by any means necessary.
    To this day I have not regretted my battle to survive. I chose to fight for my quality of life, to be the best me I could be. And some days quite frankly still suck but I dig my way out of the hole and usually land back on my feet fairly quickly.
    I am so very thankful for having gone through this myself so that I could be there today holding the hand of my very best friend who needed my support while she stepped into a very scary place in her life, but the one and only place she needed, to begin to recover and fight for her own survival =)

    Xoxo

  275. You are a gift.
    Just…thank you. Not only do you make a difference, but somehow you give others permission to make a difference too.
    Sending so much love to you, and out to everyone suffering their demons tonight.

  276. Jenny – thank you for writing about this. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety most of my life and it really helps to know so many others really do understand what it’s like. I think the more you and others write about it the more people who don’t suffer from it will understand that it’s not something you can just “get over.” Over the last few years I’ve found so much support and so many resources through the internet. It’s still not easy to deal with but I don’t feel hopeless anymore, and haven’t been suicidal in years – and you are a big part of that help. I hope things go well in New York and that you feel better soon. <3

  278. Reading both of these posts in succession brought me to the edge of tears. If I wasn’t in a public place right now, I would’ve tumbled over it from sympathy. I’m only twenty but I’ve struggled with anxiety & depression for the majority of my life. In high school I’d get panic attacks so intense it felt like my mind was screaming into a megaphone–and I didn’t tell anyone until my senior year. It helped a little, going to college helped a little more, and talking to a counselor helped even more; but the best kind of therapy is knowing I’m not alone. I’m not broken. I don’t have to hide every time I cry. To you and all your readers I send genuine love and support.
    Group hug?

  279. I am full of admiration for you for laying it all out there in a way that has helped others in very significant ways.

    People who criticize the internet or blogging or social networking just don’t understand the real and powerful GOOD that can come from the connections we make with the people who live inside our laptops.

  281. Jenny, you are amazing. You inspire so many people, and touch so many lives. You make me laugh, you make me cry, and no matter what, I’m rooting for you.

  282. Honesty is the best policy, even if you are only being honest with yourself and no one else ever hears a word of it. Start your journey to being gooder, woman. Proud of you.

  283. Your story and the response to it reminds me of the story of the stone thrown into water and the ripple effect. You just never know who’s life you will touch when you share your life.

    Thank you.

  284. I don’t struggle with severe depression and anxiety, but have a close friend that has her whole life. She has been having a hard season, so this morning I called her and told her about you and then told her about this post. It meant so much to her, just to know that people are sharing the story. YOU have done an amazing thing, and I hope once you are feeling better, you will look back on this and realize the hero you are.

  285. I have 4 friends that have commuted suicide over the last few years. I wish they could’ve seen this first. So many people dealing with so much. I wish they didn’t feel so scared and alone. Everyday I wish I could hug them one more time. Thank you for talking about this. If you can help one person from suicide you are my hero.

  286. The more we talk about depression and mental illness the more we make it less shameful. I don’t feel ashamed to admit I have hypothyroidism, and I’m sure friends and family aren’t ashamed to have allergies or diabetes … but for some reason society has decided that mental illness should be kept secret.

    I have battled depression, self-harm and an eating disorder and I am not going to stay in the closet of shame. I have won and continue to win those battles and I’ll be damned if I won’t feel proud of it. My maternal grandmother killed herself in a wall of silence. I will not. Nor will my daughter or son. It is empowering to speak about mental illness and to take it out of the dark and into the light. It is healing and necessary.

    So thank you from my corner of the world too.

  289. I’m not surprised your blog touches peoples lives and that the people who read and comment are helping save lives.

    I tell people my family is “pedigree crazy”, cause they’ve got the papers to prove it! When I shared this, upon my first visit to my own mental health professional, he was amazed at my coping mechanism. Some of the “healthiest” people with the most screwed up mental insides use humor as a way to survive. According to my doctor, it’s the one thing that can’t be taught, it’s almost a natural instinct in people but the people who come out on top from identical situations (like shitty childhoods, i.e. siblings) are the ones who master the art of humor as a coping mechanism.

    Laughter is just the best medicine, sometimes its the only one you can safely take without worrying about overdosing.

  290. I have been dealing with depression and aniexty disorder since I was twelve and finally got help last year. Like everyone else, my good times are awesome and my bad times are really dark. Thank you for being so brave and talking about how so many of us feel on a daily basis. I compare my depression to a duck. You see me and I have trained myself to look totally calm going across the water but underneath I am paddling like hell to stay afloat! I am lucky to have an awesome husband who understands and a select few friends who help but I am absolutely ashamed sometimes. Thank you for raising your voice for our crazy army! Cheers to you, to everyone going through this, and to all the friends and family members who struggle to help keep us afloat!

  291. Thank you so much for sharing your story Jenny. I know it will open doors for conversation and help someone else, or many someone elses, not feel so alone. I have suffered from depression, mostly mild, but one particularly scary episode. Actually two. Most recently it was the “I need to go to a hotel and get better alone so that my family won’t have to see me this way” kind. A long-time friend said during a group dinner recently “I’ve never known anyone with depression. I just just understand it.” I thought, “Seriously, you think you don’t know anyone with depression? Of course you do.” Like you, I feel that discussing it in detail triggers another or deeper episode. Conversation leads to understanding. Thank you for starting the conversation, and prayers for brighter days ahead.

  292. That was a hard post for me to read, and it was such a relief to see someone admit to what I have been ashamed of so openly. I’ve seen references to THE post all over the internet, and so many people are so moved by what you wrote. You are a brave woman… and I think you may have started a mini-revolution of sorts. Your hilarious posts make me laugh every day, and then there are the days where you show the best of what the internet can do. Let’s kick depression’s ass 🙂

  294. Good luck tomorrow!! 🙂

    and thank you again

    the more we all hug each other and admit the darkness and say its okay the dark will be followed by lighter times, I’ve been there and can help you out…

    the more all of our burdens will be lifted together

  295. I’ve resolved to engage more on the internet, even when there are so many comments on something I fear my voice won’t be heard. So I’ve never commented before. But thank you. Thank you so much for being open about something that can cause so much shame

  296. Amazing. Thank your for sharing your story, it makes shouldering the burden so much easier. Much love to you.

  297. While I myself have struggled with depression and a variety of panic attacks, anxiety, stress . . . . since I was 13 – now 28 – My biggest struggle for the longest time was trying to help my husband understand that having depression is not something that you can just will away or “just forget about”. He struggled to come to terms with this fact until he was recently diagnosed with Severe depression also – I made him go to the doctor – he is now facing his inner demons with help – We have both been suicidal in the past – (my husband within the past month) and I have also experienced talking a good friend out of suicide in high school – in the heat of the moment it seems like suicide is the only option – I hope everyone has have some support that they can lean on and let you know it is okay! We need to break the stereotype, and speak out – depression is not something that we should hide behind! If you do it will consume you! Don’t be ashamed to ask for help – as you can see by the comments pouring in we are NOT alone in our fight! Day by Day!

  299. jenny, your blog, your posts, your life that you share with us…..all of it is inspirational and gives me hope. i struggle every day with depression and axiety. a wise woman once told me that anxiety, depression, and all that shit LIES TO US. don’t believe the lies. there is nothing you could say or do that would keep us (well, definitely me) from loving you.

  300. That picture makes me think of some places I’ve read about (in theme parks maybe?) where you go into a space that has GIANT sources of air flying up that allow you to “fly” over them. I think that would be exhilarating! Maybe I’ll find one someday. Or maybe you could find one and I could live vicariously through you. I bet you’d love it.

    Hugs!

  301. Amazing. I once had an argument with a sociology professor about the Internet being a community. I said it most definitely is one and he stated because there was no physical proximity of the people involved that it didn’t qualify as one, no matter how common everyone’s interests were. I told him to get his head out of the classics and start redefining his curriculum, because, regardless of where we are, we are a community – we have common and not so common interests, issues, likes and dislikes, and, most importantly, we do have each other’s back. We are not alone. We may be broken, but we are not beyond repair. & the very fact that over a thousand people can chime in with a “wow, you too?” means something significant. Can’t you feel the hugs Dr. Beck? I certainly did.

  302. you are beautiful, have fantastic breasts, and your ass looks great in everything you wear! Here’s to an awesome day of loving exactly who you are, no matter what!

  303. I just want to say thanks for being YOU! Because you inspire me on so many levels.

  304. The Internets are some kinda wonderful. You know, except when they’re not.

    So glad you’re not feeling alone, and so glad that you’ve given others the strength to keep moving forward.

    Onward!

  307. This post made me tear up, what beauty can come out of speaking the truth!

    Rob Delaney wrote that his worst depression was more painful than the time he got into a drunken car crash, broke all 4 limbs, and was in jail. He wrote that his depression was more painful than being in jail, unable to move. (He’s 9 years sober now.)

    That explains to me what hell my sister must’ve gone through last year, and I can understand a little better what you go through. I love you, Jenny.

  308. It’s funny isn’t it. We all have secrets that we sit and stew on. Things we are ashamed of . That we think no one else will understand. That will slowly eat at the core of you. That we would be shunned or ridiculed if we dared to share. That to speak them aloud will give them even more power. When in reality in the darkness and silence is where their true power lies. In that one post you provided a life line to so many people.

    You’ve made me laugh over the years with your post. Tears rolling down my face snort laughing and I appreciate that more than I can express. But the power of your writing, in you, is that in that one post you gave people the permission to breathe, to reach out, to feel less alone. I know you’re still working through your own issues, but you should be truly proud of what you’ve achieved in the last day. I hope you hold that little nugget next to your spirit, next time the darkness threatens, and know that you made the world brighter for a whole lot of people.

  309. Like I said in my tweet yesterday, people have called the backbone of my blog ‘brave’ but it doesn’t even come close to what you did yesterday. Truth be told, I’ve got a few skeletons in my closet but have SO many personal friends and family reading (not on your comments though … I’m safe here!) that I’ve been afraid to introduce them on ODNT. Maybe one day courage like yours will help to inspire mine.

    And I’m still waiting to take you for that coffee. Next time you’re in NOLA (and it’s not New Year’s freakin’ Eve!), let me know. I promise I’m not a crazy person. Well, yes, I am crazy … as in “zany” and “off-kilter” … but not as in “stabby” or “the-call-is-coming-from-within-the-house-y.”

    “Chin up, Chin up … Put a little laughter in your eyes. Brave it, Save it … Even though you’re feeling otherwise.” — Charlotte to her pal, Wilbur

  311. Keep Calm and Carry On……aka… take some Xanax, Remicade, Methotrexate, Cymbalta and Plaquenil then order a glass of wine! Life is good! You’re stronger than you know…and you are not alone. Godspeed…

  312. The older I get, the more I realize that everyone is hurting inside to varying degrees. Some people had hard, hard childhoods, had terrible things happen to them and just got a really raw deal. Some people didn’t have any of that happen and just had the insecurities of being a girl, or having a big nose, or being fat or being skinny and just not feeling good enough.Nobody really talks about any of it. Thank you Jenny for talking about your very personal story. And I think I can say for everyone, we’re here for the ride, whatever you write! And we love you!

  313. I’m a male who does low-grade self injury, by occasionally biting fingernails into the quick until they bleed and similar. But, more often than not, I turn my anxiety inward with various bodily symptoms resulting.

    It’s a mix of early life and family anxiety heritage thrown together. Glad you talk about this.

  314. “weightless in her empty house, nothing’s like she said it would be…”
    lyrics from the song She from the movie Cashback…that’s what came to mind when I saw the picture.

    Thank you for being you.

  315. Thank you for these posts. I’ve suffered from depression since I was a child and have been told more than once by people I went to for help that “there’s nothing wrong with me, my life is just fine.”. My mom still claims I am lying about being suicidal when I was in college (“it wasn’t that bad”) even though she wasn’t there and her actions are what sent me over the edge. I am blessed to have a husband that helps me deal all the while not understanding at all. He was once someone who didn’t believe depression was real but now he has a much better understanding and appreciation. We can all help to educate all the others out there and make it easier for everyone else to get help. Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story to the world and giving us the strength to do the same.

  316. I love you. Thanks for every meaningful word you’ve shared. I too have been fighting the seemingly endless battle of depression since I was about 13. I”m now 47 and it is sad to feel that I need to hide my greatest obstacle, to pretend I have no continuous foe. I bust my hump to make everyone believe that I’m happy go lucky, just so they don’t know that I’m dying inside and praying the rest of me would follow suit. When I dug my way out of an abusive marriage, people ran to my aid. Unfortunately, the first thing they said was “How could you let this happen?” I never felt able to respond truthfully, that I hated myself too much to believe I deserved better. Climbing out of the bottomless pit of depression is a long, lonely haul. Thanks for speaking out and making me feel like maybe I’m not a freak with a chronic “mood issue”, but perhaps a warrior fighting the noble fight.

  317. on our birthday, i joked that we were twins, and now that i’ve read yesterday’s post (somehow i missed it), i have learned that we share another thing in common: i self-harm, too. many of the people in my life do not know about this. thanks to the help of a great therapist and equally great drugs, i’m pretty much recovered. but it’s still a battle some days.

    thank you for giving me a voice.

  318. Jenny, I just started reading you recently and have so enjoyed how much you make me laugh. I was very moved by your serious posts yesterday and today. Bravo for your courage.

  319. Thank you. This is my goal, too, to make my depression seem not quite so freaking weird and crazy. I am a writer because I see and feel the world differently. I see and feel the world differently because I struggle with depression.
    I am grateful, every day, that I can be a writer . . . even when it comes with the big-ass burden of depression.

    THANK YOU for sharing your stuff. It’s messy and beautiful and this (your honesty) is exactly how we make mental health issues as acceptable and mentionable as cancer and diabetes. Rock on.

  320. I didn’t comment, but I really appreciated the post. I’ve been very lucky to not have many major struggles with mental health since leave adolescence. However, a few months ago, I was prescribed an antibiotic that made me lose impulse control to a degree I’ve never experienced. I wanted to hurt myself often, and did a few times. I almost intentionally rear-ended someone for being a tiny bit of a douche in a parking lot. I felt so out of control, and unpredictable. I was scared to even be alone with my son for fear I’d lose control.

    I feel rather blessed to have had this solitary week of mental illness. I knew, intellectually, that mental illness is not a ‘weakness’, not an individual’s fault, but an illness like any other. After that, though, I KNOW, in my core. I had a peek into the war so many of you fight and I have so much respect that you stand up and keep going. It’s hard, very hard, but you are strong. Very strong.

  322. It was the post last night that made me start reading your blog, when the link to your blog was RT’d. Incredible entry! I, too, have had major bouts of depression over the years, some more serious than others.

    As Erin said above: “everyone is hurting inside to varying degrees.” And she’s absolutely right. Some people are hurting more than others, and for varying reasons. You’re doing your part to help people realize that their pain is no less important than anyone else’s. Thank you for that.

  323. You don’t know how much I needed this post today. Now I must go read the one that inspired it. “Still broken. Still stuck. Still fighting.” EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling. Thank you! BTW, I found you because my daughter shared your Beyonce the Metal Chicken story – HILARIOUS! I should laugh like that every day . . .

  324. Jenny-
    I have never felt quite witty or clever enough to comment before- though I faithfully check in every week and laugh or cry until I hurt and am so glad someone else is as twisted as me.
    After years of self abuse, suicide attempts, abusing substances, depressions that felt like black holes, panic attacks in JC Penney (damn those people call Security with a quickness…) and constant anxiety, self doubt, anger, fear, tears……………..the therapy clicked, I found the right prescriptions, learned how to recognize the edge of the abyss before I fell over it and learned to try to take care of myself. And every day- no matter what- I can tell myself “You can do it” and mostly believe it. I’ll never be thin, rich, famous or save the world- and I won’t say there are never shit days- but I can promise you if you continue to fight the good fight, you will slay the dragons!

  326. I’m in it. Thats okay, I’ve been in it before, and I know it lies. This one is so so much worse that it has been in sooo long, but it will end. Working out new meds, though its still not right. Went on SDI because I couldn’t keep fighting and trying to do my job. Now they tell me that when I get off disability I’m laid off. How’s that for irony? Lay off the person on disability for depression/anxiety. I guess the silver lining there is it ensures a few more months of depression. Pays better than unemployment. Joy.

    Its all in the little things. Take what you can get. I’ve made myself stop pulling out my eyelashes, but have discovered that it is perfectly fine to pull out pubic hair. Its like free waxing with your OCD.

    I do have pie. Not as good a pie as I’d have liked since even the no fail pie crust can be screwed up by adding too much butter, which I did because I was distracted by being pissed at my f**ktard ex-husband, and the fact that he is currently screwing with me by visiting MY grandmother. WHO does that??? Mentally abusing jerks, that’s who… who I am no longer married to, so that is a big win for me. Also I used up those apples that were too old to eat, so that makes me virtuous. Although one apple looked like it was infested with death chiggers. But I’m pretty sure death chiggers can’t survive being cooked. Anyway, there is pie.

    And I’ve got my kids back from he-who-shall-not-be-named. Granted one of them was returned with a sprained wrist and broken guitar, when he has to play gigs all weekend. And one of my xmas gifts to him was lost. AND learned that HWSNBN didn’t bother to even get anything for my daughter for xmas, because he is spending all his money to send my son to China for a school trip, and apparently the joy of knowing her brother gets to go to China should be enough. For an 8 year old. Guess who got to go shopping with Mama today. But must not waste energy on fury… sigh.

    So on and on and on it goes. About a week or so ago it occurred to me at 2:30 am that ordering hatching quail eggs off eBay was a good idea. So now I am obsessively caring for a homemade incubator full of quail eggs. I wonder if any will hatch… I guess it is better than worrying that no one will ever hire me again since I am obviously unstable. Obviously.

  327. I went on medication. I’ve had to adjust it periodically since then, but I know that it saved my life and my family. Stepping up and accepting help kept me from running away from all that I loved because I believed I wasn’t worthy. That’s depression lying to you.

    That you were brave enough to say out loud what you said, poking a huge hole in the wall, let a load of light in for so many others. #silverribbon

  328. I love you, Jenny. I couldn’t get in to comment today no matter how hard I tried. But you and all the other comments made me so proud. I really do just love you.

  330. I am sobbing after reading both posts…I read the first one at work (great idea…ugh) and then again tonight at home, alone. Jenny, thank you for using your talent and voice to give words to this battle. So many of us don’t have the words, or strength or chutzpah to put it out there. I am going through a very hard time and have been feeling very alone–your posts, and those comments from the wonderful people that read your blog, have somehow broken through. Yes, I still feel like absolute shit but at least I am crying…at least I am feeling and at least I am not alone….I wish I could have a mini-Jenny for my pocket and of course a magical red dress….good luck in New York–you’ll be a rock star, we ALL know it!

  334. Thank you so much for posting this. The simple power of words to save lives, to bring hope, to create a commonality and a community where before there were strangers, it all amazes me and lends me strength in my own fight.

  337. 11 years ago today my cousin killed himself. i was 12, he was at least a solid decade older than me, and i only ever met him once that i was old enough to remember, but i loved him fiercely. i hated him for three years, because i couldn’t understand why he would just take himself away from our family like that, how he could do that to us. i hit my own battle with depression in high school, and came to understand. my senior year of high school a friend of mine killed himself. if i could have anything, anything in the world, i’d take those two back. i would give anything and everything to get them back if i could. i miss them terribly.

  338. The responses are as wonderful as your post. I applaud all of you. ALL of you! I just want to hug every one of you.

  340. Thank you so much for sharing your battle. You never know who around you is battling that demon called depression. It sucks the life out of you, you contemplate driving your car through the next guardrail as you cross that next bridge, you wonder if there’s anyone that would truly mourn the “real” you instead of the person you present because of the mask you wear every day just to get by. You have brought the topic of depression and the reality that every day that a person battling depression gets through is a day of victory. THANK YOU and please keep fighting. You bring so much light to the world and we need you!

  341. As someone who suffers from anxiety, OCD and depression, all I can say is thank you. And you’re not alone. You’ve got so much support and it’s wonderful. <3

  342. Best of luck, and really, just good show. It’s easy to be sarcastic, and snarky, and it’s hard to be that publicly honest.

  343. And add this to your other two posts that I thought were the best ever…AWEsomely brilliant.

    And you will prevail on this next adventure. The WORDS will keep you…as Maya Angelou says, “Surviving is important…thriving is elegant.”

    You, my Goddess, are ELEGANT.

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl (sending massive doses of Goddess blessings, Magick, Spirit, and Light flowing strongly your way)

  344. Hey girl. Kudos to you for talking about it. Everyone has some kind of burden to carry around, and it’s comforting to know there are people out there who are struggling toward the sun too, even if their plight is different. You are a brave, strong lady. I wish you healing and happiness this year in abundance. <3

  345. I love that people can still surprise someone with kindness. It’s so refreshing in this day and age.
    Hang in there Jenny. We need more poeple like you.
    Barb

  347. Sending love to you and to everyone who feels as though they have to hide who they really are. We are all scared inside, but knowing that everyone else is scared is what makes it easier for me to function. Seriously. Even the most seemingly self-assured person has a tragedy, a phobia, an issue, a SOMETHING that they wish to hide and want to change. We’re all more alike than people realize.

  349. “still fighting”… Yes. Because you are worth fighting for.

    Thank you for everything you do!

  350. Thank you for being real. Your two posts have made a difference in my life today. By publishing what you did, you have allowed myself, and others to be ok with themselves. That just shows we are not alone, and if we stand together, we can accomplish anything. Even happiness.
    Hugs to you and all those who have left comments.

  351. What a tremendous relief that must be to have that behind you. I have such admiration for you and your kind heart. I hope the next time I get the chance to see you it will be on terra firma sans the bathroom stall. I envision that happening for you.

  352. I’m completely going to fit you for a cape and tights. You are still amazing, and you continue to be so. Keep on, keepin’ on, Jenny.

  354. I have been to that darkest place. I nearly didn’t come out. But I did, and you can too. I believe in the wonderful, crazy, creative wonder that is you! Thanks for writing about all of it. You shone a light in that dark corner for many people. The world is a better place with you in it.

  355. If someone as fucking cool and hilarious as you are can survive, let alone be brave and talk about it, what do the rest of us have to fear? Thanks for making my depression seem a little less lonely. You are my straight girl crush.

  359. When I read the self-harm part I stopped breathing. I still am trying to figure out how I am going to explain my scars to my daughter, especially since it wasn’t a “teenage thing.”

    Thank you for sharing.

  360. As someone who deals with anxiety and has loved ones with various painful mental illnesses, it breaks my heart that you have to hurt too. I am thankful for your willingness to be a beacon for those who fight. Always keep fighting, build your army, and keep marching forward. I shared your Depression is a Lying Bastard graphic with a close friend who is in pain last week. It helped her life her head up. Thank you.

  361. We make people laugh, Soul Sister. That’s what we do, so many of us who have these things about ourselves we deem too awful to say out loud. I referred to myself in my writing for years as “The OCD Chick.” Only in the last year did I decide to become “just” Sher Bailey.

    I still write for the laugh about most parts of the illness of obsessive-compulsive disorder and I call it my therapy. But there are parts no one gets to know because they are just mine, and there will never be anything funny that will come from those places.

    You’re brave. You’re funny. Those two things make you at least 84.9% more likely to have an amazing life, and do fantastic things. xo

  362. I have so much respect for your ability to articulate such clear appreciation for the outpouring of respect/love that came your way! It brought tears to my eyes.

    Good luck in New York, that city won’t know what hit it once you’ve blown through 🙂

  364. Thank you for posting this. I say it to anyone who will listen and who’s talking smack about someone’s life – everybody’s got their own shit. If someone tells you they don’t, they are lying. The ones that try to hide it the most will be hurt the worst. Everyone has her own battle. If we approach each other believing this, there will be much more empathy in the world. Thanks for using your space and your voice to talk so openly and honestly. It helps so many people, you really have no idea. You can’t. It’s way bigger than you.

  367. This post gave me chills. Yesterday’s was pretty raw and awesome, but reading about the response you got was incredible. And I completely agree that crazy is the new normal. I don’t believe I know very many adults who are not on meds. XO

  368. Jenny, you truly never cease to amaze me. Your family, and all of us who know you through your writings, are truly blessed.

    ~EdT.

  370. If there’s one thing I love about the Internet, it’s how it allows you the ability to be yourself and be honest in a way that face-to-face contact never may. I’ve seen more people come out about their battles with anxiety and depression, and it has made me feel SO much better about admitting mine to those in my immediate surroundings. It is an illness, one that a person cannot just “get over,” and the more people can be made to understand that and to understand how many of us suffer from it, the better. It’s always shocking to the world to learn that even us “funny ones” suffer (and sometimes I wonder if we’re not suffering more; forcing laughter through the tears and the ambivalence).

    Thank you for adding your voice.

  372. And by the way, you said earlier that you couldn’t repeat the Christmas miracle of last year. Guess what? I think you surpassed it!

    ~EdT.

  373. Thank you, thank you so much.
    I felt a weight lift off my chest yesterday when I wrote my comment on your last post. Just being able to talk openly about cutting and being in the hospital… it’s so freeing. It’s so different how “real life” normally is, and I hate that we see it as normal to NOT talk about these issues.

    I want to make a silver ribbon. In my art class we’re starting a project that can basically be on whatever we want it to, and I’m choosing to do mine on depression. I think adding a silver ribbon (it’s supposed to be a 3 dimensional, mixed media piece) to it will be perfect.

    Also, I hadn’t heard about the Traveling Red Dress before now, but I think it’s a beautiful idea.

    You are amazing for writing these posts and appreciating all the comments. Really, thank you. ?

  376. I’ve written a post about what I’ve been going through lately. It’s still in Draft mode. Every day I try to push post. I can’t. I just can’t.

  377. To borrow (steal) from a song, you Bloggessahead the wind beneath our wings.

  378. Thank you. My family and I have suffered through depression for years now. I have always been insecure about my weight and have never had much friends. I’ve recently started a new medicine regiment, started at a new school, and started reading your blog. You lifted me up when I was down and brought me back to earth. I’m doing much better and have even been able to help a friend who felt secure enough to confide in me. I applaud your strength and love your work. We all care for you, even the ones you don’t know.
    Thank you.

  380. You are amazing. This is amazing. I am so deeply moved by your post of yesterday, and the flood of supportive responses. You are so very wonderful to speak out for yourself and for so many. (Not all of us are ready to put our own issues out there, but it does really help to see the response.)

  381. I don’t even know what to say that hasn’t been covered by so many of your other adoring fans. So great to read the tons of comments on this and your previous post(s). Yayyy to you and yayyyy to all of your wonderful followers!

  382. I was so encouraged and amazed by the first post you put up yesterday, both as a person who has had ongoing struggles depression/dysthymia & anxiety, and a counselor who works with individuals experiencing a wide range of difficulties. This post encouraged me even more. I am a huge fan of your blog, and in large part to your honesty, courage, & strength, a huge fan of you. Thank you for being open about your journey and taking the risk to share.

  383. I can’t thank you enough. For being so brae. For being so honest. And for makin me see myself in a differen light. Because if you can be funny and so well liked (especially by me!) and loved and a mom… Than maybe I can be too. And maybe, just maybe, I’m not as horrible as I’ve led myself to believe because if we can be alike, if even in the tiniest and worst of ways, and you can be so fantastic… Well maybe I can be too.

    Xoox!

  386. When I read the hardest post you’ve ever written, I was having a migraine. They hurt like hell, and I still tell people I’m just having a bad headache. And they still look at me like I’m overreacting. They don’t get it, because they can’t see it.
    But how do you explain something that happens only inside of your own head? How to show a pain so deep inside of you? How do you show someone an invisible scar?
    So thank you.
    Because some of us are not ready yet to show the world our scars, in fear that they’ll judge us.
    Thank you for being so brave. For being brave for all of us.

  387. For both this post and the last one – thank you. Thank you and a million times thank you.

  390. so happy for you and what you are doing. Long shot here, but I live now in NY and would love to meet up for coffee if you have the time and inclination….

  391. Why would you ever doubt the power of your raw honesty and the limitless potential of benefiting the others? And your mixing it up with your unique irreverent humor, silliness, wackiness and your ability to talk about deep, personal things is exactly why I cannot get enough of this place. Please don’t ever feel obligated to write about a certain type of posts or feel “guilty” for not being funny, for being serious. We love you the way you are, all sides, as a whole.

  392. I wanted to thank you for sharing… all the sharing you do. Your previous post was as helpful to me as this one that came up in my RSS feed back in November was: http://www.inwhiteink.com/2011/11/17/encouragement/. I didn’t dive head-first into the deep, deep pit this holiday, but it was calling to me. I really had to make an effort as I skirted around the edges of the pit, and be cheery for my kids this Christmas. Didn’t always succeed, but I think they had a pretty good Christmas anyway. Keep fighting, and please keep sharing if you can. I hope your sharing helps you as much as reading your posts (whether funny and snarky or honest and vulnerable) helps me.

  393. Btw, good luck in NYC doing whatever you are doing. Remember: you can always tweet us and it would be as if the whole Internet is with you. No army stronger than that! xxoo

  394. I developed depression and an anxiety disorder a few years ago after an accident, but I tried to hide it for a long time because I thought it would freak my family out. After it finally became impossible to hide I ended up feeling a lot freer. As soon as I started talking about it openly, all kind of buried family stories came out of the woodwork. Oh did you know Uncle So and So has OCD? And your cousin in such and such place committed suicide? Oh and that your grandmother was on valium most of her life? Eventually my brother admitted that he needed help too. It makes everyone better to speak openly and honestly. You have no idea how many people are going through the same thing until you start talking about it.

    I’m overseas this year teaching English in Turkey, and at first I had quite a few students who were missing a lot of class. When I finally tracked them down I discovered that I didn’t have a bunch of lazy students, I had a bunch of students fighting mental illnesses. At least a couple of them have tried to commit suicide this year, but they’re away from their families at university, so they’re trying to keep it a secret. Say a little prayer for them please, that one day they can have a culture as open and forgiving and understanding as our own, so that they can know they’re not alone either. Thanks.

  395. I respect you. I suffered from depression most of my life, and it was only in my mid-30’s after a particularly severe bout that i decided I either had to get real help or give up. I remember reading a book about how terrified a man was after he had been attacked and how much it affected his life, and a light bulb went off: Except for being afraid of people leaping out of dark shadows with knives, everything he said was how I felt most days. I have self- harmed, but seldom. Bruising usually doesn’t show or leave lasting marks and can be easily explained away. I understand what you mean when you say the physical pain cancels the mental pain.

    I’m on medication that helps a good deal, and I’m MUCH better now than I was then. I try to be open with most people–at least friends–about my depression, because I think it helps others to know that someone else has been locked in the same dark, dank, miserable room you have. People are becoming more understanding about mental disorders, but even today people can be cruel. It’s only by surviving and being honest that we can help others.

    You are an awesome person, and I’m glad you are pulling away from the claws of depression. I think it may be a lifelong battle, but it can get better. HUGS!

  396. Dear self-acknowledged-veteran-in-a-war-society-doesn’t-quite-understand-yet, thanks for being your sweetly-raunchy, unhinged, irreverent and glorious self.

  399. I commented yesterday, but i just needed to stop by again. as the day went on yesterday i had to keep checking back to see how many comments you had gotten… and the number truly shocks me, amazing how much support and love and similar stories everyone is sharing! I have been reading you for a few months, my husband actually helped you out with some posters after we peed our pants reading about Bionce. I too have depression and i self-harm, i also have anxiety and suffer from borderline personality disorder. I have had it all my whole life. Coming from a family where we allll have something including bi-polar and many family members lost to suicide, we all feel shamed… even with each other! It is a horrible cycle and the lesson my family has taught has been to hide it and pretend everything is fine. I am now 31 and still in therapy every week and on meds and things get better for a bit, but then i fall down, it seems to be never ending. Before yesterday i thought you were so very awesome that words could not describe how funny and smart and “have it all together” you were. After reading your post yesterday I was speechless and in shock. your awesomeness went up 100 fold and i am even more inspired by you. I have never known anyone else who self-harms and i thought as an adult i should be able to get it together and just stop already! But I know as well you that it is never that easy. and today i agree that your still very awesome, still incredibly smart and still “have it all together” but you are fighting just like me… so maybe some day i too will feel like i “have it all together” and be as brave and courageous as you and not feel like i need to hide my true self and my struggles. thank you again for sharing your story and for always giving me a good laugh when i need it the most. much love!

  400. I’m late to the party here, but I wanted to say that I hear you, and you haven’t changed even a little bit for me. I used to self harm, and now I don’t. You (and everyone else who needs to hear it) deserve to live without the crippling pressure of depression. Please keep fighting.

  401. Jennifer lawson is amazing in that “i am going to do it my way” sense. I read her for laughs, and i read her to remind myself that everyone has the self they put on for the world, and the self they keep tucked away in safety. Exceptional people can blur these lines, and teach an amzing lesson about acceptance. This woman is brilliant and should be celebrated for her emotional integrity and unwavering self-awareness. Nobody is perfect mrs. Lawson, but you truly are the perfect sort of “messed-up” and whatever your challenges you face them with grace and humility. You are not just a survivor, you are a hero. I will wear a silver ribbon for you – and i am going to pin it on with a metal chicken pin – just as soon as i find one! (i shared this article on fb and this is what i wrote as a header. Always know that somehwere in this world is a woman who waits to see what you will say next, who relies on you for stress relief and a smile, who knows that you are stronger than you probably believe. You have spirit, and you are special because of it. You make the world a better place. You have demons? So what. They clearly don’t have you. You are appreciated.

  402. I havent stopped crying in my head since yesterday. I’ve gotta go back on my meds, and it’s taken your post to remind me that I’m not a failure for choosing to do so. Keep fighting the good fight in your part of the world. I promise to do the same in mine.

  403. Thank you for your post I have /amfought anxiety and depression And my mess do help but there are times for no reason at all I cant breathe and want to run. At work I don’t have a problem telling people i take something for anxiety for some reason I can’t say depression. I do have times when I do run or need “mom time” as husband calls it.” which I do fill horrible for him his dad who has dementia and diabetes and always bad the out look its never my fault it’s everyone else, yes he lives with us now I take care of him. And his mom who we believe is bi polar . I deal with guilt of being another crazy in his life.
    Really I wanted to agree you are not alone!!!

  404. I never used to understand the urge to self-harm until a few years ago. I won’t go into what happened, but suffice it to say, I was in such extreme emotional and psychic pain. I honestly didn’t know such depths of pain were even possible. Once, I even imagined taking my husband’s .45, going out into the garage, putting a large lawn-leaf bag over my head, then sticking the gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Of course, it took all of 30 seconds to realize the lawn-leaf bag would not contain the mess so I dismissed that idea. Then, the idea of cutting myself seriously appealed to me. I imagined the skin breaking open would ease the pressure I felt and the pain would ooze out with the blood. As appealing as it was at the time, I didn’t actually do it. But, I understand it now.

  405. I swear more bloggers are depressed than you think.

    I share your burden and understand your struggle. I’d love to write a book about it, and PTSD, but I fear no one would give a shit… and that even I would lose interest.

    Ahhh well.

    Glad you are feeling a little better. Thanks again for sharing!

    SUCK, SUCK DEPRESSION!
    __________________________________________________________

  408. When you are courageous it give other people the courage to be courageous and then when people start talking about things that haven’t been talked about much at all then others realize that they aren’t the only ones dealing with whatever. And when you know you’re not alone life is a LOT easier to deal with. Thank you for being courageous.

  409. Jenny, when I read that post, I was stunned. And then not. Because it seemed perfectly believable that you could be THAT depressed. I make people laugh ALL THE TIME. Am one of the most gregarious outrageous people I know. But I am being treated for…DEPRESSION. I knew I needed help the night I sat at the kitchen table and called a suicide line. I hung up before I talked to anyone, but I made my next phone call immediately to a therapist and made an appointment for the NEXT DAY. And then went and curled up with my kids as they slept because at that point, they were literally the only thing between me and a bottle of pills. So I am not surprised, but God, I sure as fuck wish this were NOT the case for you, because I know that pain you’re in and it sucks ASS. Your posts have eased MY days, and sometimes that one laugh – the ones you give me where I end up laughing so hard I am farting and crying – has eased my day so much that it seems…LIVABLE. Girl, we love you to fucking pieces, so we don’t want you FALLING to pieces. We are here for you…and please, say hi if you are in the NYC area. We can do the falling to pieces thing together…or even better, the staying alive and sane thing.

  412. Thank you. Just…thank you. I have scars on my arm. I’m so ashamed of them. You make me want to be brave. Thank you.

  414. I get into funks where I think people are assholes, but really, most people are amazing like you said. Hugs!!

  415. You’re doing a wonderful thing for other people by being so brutally honest. You, Jenny Lawson, are a good egg. I would describe my depression spells as “overly serious concern, which may or may not be undue, over events that may or may not occur; how everything reminds me of something regrettable I’ve done in the past; and the continuing quest to distract myself well enough to survive how I feel right this minute.” But there also needs to be something in there about how lonely that feels, and I think you conveyed that perfectly. Whatever the agnostic equivalent of praying for you (and all of us) is, I’m doing it right now. You’re mighty awesome.

  417. My sister is having a hell of a year due to depression, anxiety, and cyclic mood disorder — Beyonce was one of the first things to make her laugh in ages. I’m getting one of these necklaces for her, and one for me. By a series of miracles, a wonderful therapist, meds and supportive friends I’ve not only survived the anxiety/depression but have triumphed over it — I wish the same for you, for my sister, and for everyone who suffers from mental illness.

    Most people ARE amazing if you give them the opportunity to step up.

  418. I am so grateful or what you’ve done here, and what the response has done. Everyone should know there’s someone out there holding them in their heart and as I’ve read through the comments here, I wish I could tell each one of these people that though we may never meet, you’re in my heart. I promise. And I go to bed and wake up thinking of just that. We’re not alone, none of us, and what we’re ashamed of does not equate to how much we get to be loved. I love you, Jenny, and you, person reading this comment, and you, person who may read this in the future. You’re in my heart and no matter where you are today, I am never, never going to give up on you.

    Jenny, thank you for being brave. Brave is one step, one hit of the publish button, one foot through a door you’re afraid to enter, one exhale when you don’t feel like you can breathe. Thank you thank you thank you.

  419. I took my eye off the ball for one day, and look what I missed. Sending you (belated…but continual) love and support.

  420. Thank you for your courage and honesty. Very moving. Know we have your back.

    Bring on the good and the bad to us. We’ll take both anytime.

    You’re amazing.

  421. once again, jenny, you made me cry. in a GOOD way. you are speaking so powerfully for so many of us out there. and you are touching hearts along the way and inspiring people to fight the good fight along with you. and as a new yorker, if you need ANYTHING while you’re in town, please just say the word! you are amazing! xxxooo

  422. I didn’t comment yesterday because I couldn’t find the right words and I still can’t but I just want to say thank you. For being honest, brave and totally awesome. Thank you to all the commenters for making everyone feel less alone too. Amazing.

  423. Thank you so much, both for this post and the previous one. I’ve struggled with depression off and on throughout my life and have just begun to swing out of this latest cycle. You have helped me make it through my days just by being there with your wit, your humor, your insight. Someone I love directed me to your site a few months back, because he realized that I would enjoy your blog. Since then, I have spread the word to more of my friends and family, because I am so thankful for your work and dedication and your openness and honesty. You amaze me and inspire me and help me feel less alone with every post. Thank you.

  424. Thanks for all of that you have done in posting this Jenny. You have helped me and many others. It’s like the It Gets Better vids. So much help for so many and yourself at the same time. Thanks for helping me as well.

  425. The part about how the post and its comments helped someone to realize that she could get help made me cry. I’m so glad we were able to do that, but thank you, Jenny, for giving us a place to do it.

  426. Jenny, the difference you’re making here is just one more example of the terrific things you accomplish in spite of your weaknesses, or perhaps because of them.

    The demons you fight may be powerful, but you are always stronger, smarter, and more persistent than they are, so you will always win!

    I hate that you have to go through this stuff, but I love how you conquer, bounce back, and then share accounts of your fight with all of us. Thank you for your candor and your courage!

  427. All I can really say is, I am in awe! Your willingness to share you vulnerabilities and the outcry for support from EVERYONE has literally moved me to tears. I cannot claim to be touched by depression in the same way, but I recognize what is truly a silent epidemic. The world has cast away sufferers of depression for far too long. Thank you for starting what seems to be a true awakening. So many, myself included, look to you to brighten their day. All the while, you struggle. And when I think I could not appreciate all that is YOU (witty, quirky, amazing, honest) we watch you bare your soul and cause change. I hope this ripple of awareness continues to grow. Depression is NOT created by the drug companies…it is a real condition that affects EVERYONE. Thank you Jenny!!

  428. I love the fact everyone supported you in your time of need, but I don’t want one thing to go unnoticed by you. YOU STARTED THIS! If it hadn’t been for your post, no one could have ever replied and that girl contemplating suicide may not have had today! So many others will see your post in the future and YOU will have an enormous impact for some time to come. The next time you are terribly depressed, please keep that in mind. Your words have helped many and I thank you for that! Best wishes! Hugs!

  430. I love you and your special gift of making it all okay even when it’s broken or hurting. Also, I just love you for being you, Jenny.

  431. Depression is a subject that needs to be talked about more. I lost my best friend from suicide. She had kept a dark secret bottled up that didn’t come out until after her death. She was 31 at time–a Harvard-degreed attorney with so much potential. It broke my heart. I had my own bought with depression after I had my daughter. I was lucky in that a therapist I knew called me during my darkest hour just because she knew that I needed to know what I was feeling was totally normal. And it helped–immensely. Then, dealing with the depression of having a special needs child (before I knew she had special needs) was also draining. Again, getting help for my daughter helped me in the process too! And I’m incredibly lucky because my bouts were short-lived. I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who have to deal with it all the time.

    Thanks for the courage of your words.

  432. Dear Jenny, you have been part of my “therapy” for years, now. You make me laugh, you give me strength, and you remind me that I’m not alone. I adore you.

  433. Ya know what? This is real. Anxiety and depression and being royally effed up. I know some people like to avoid that part of life, but life is all one package, the good and the bad. So don’t worry about “I promise my next post will be back to sweetly-raunchy and unhinged, irreverent glory.” You’re so worth the read no matter what you are blogging about. Love and appreciate you.

  434. I haven’t had time to sit down and read the blog in awhile, so I didn’t get to comment on the original post. I think more things need to get talked about more often, and not avoided just because they are somehow uncomfortable subjects (miscarriage and depression especially).

    You are such a strong woman. You proved that by having the courage to publish these posts. I truly admire your strength Jenny. Good luck in New York!

  435. Tonight has been a horrible night, with my bipolar in full manic mode, and the house is in post-holiday shambles. My depression is bad around the holidays, & now I’m all OCD as well. And add to this the fact that I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist because I got the time wrong, and had to cancel on my therapist because of timing issues. I’m not Well today. Xanax and liquor have not been enough.
    Your last two posts have really spoken to me. I always feel so broken, like a burden, and knowing that someone out there is fighting and continues to fight makes me realize that we are not alone, or broken. You are wonderful and amazing, as are your readers. My best to you and all the silver ribbon wearers…

  438. You? So.utterly.awesome. Thank you for your courage in the face of fear that I *know* can feel so, so damn big. You are beautiful in your heart and soul as well as your eyes and face and I love you an awful lot for someone I’ve never met…If I ever do have that privilege I will wrap you up in the biggest hug EVAH. Thank you.

  439. Oh- I should also be honest about this (because you were brave enough to put this out there so that means I can be too): I have self-inflicted injury scars as well. At the moment, they are just scars and nothing is open, but it is a battle I fight every minute of every day.

    Thank you for sharing your strength Jenny.

  440. Thank you for giving those of us who also suffer from D the knowledge that we are not alone and not broken because of our struggles.

  441. Thank you for yesterday and today’s post. I’ve had my own struggle with anxiety and mild depression. It’s a lonely place and I am grateful every day to be healthy again. You rock, Jenny. 🙂

  443. After reading a comment on this post, I realized something.

    I’ve been self harming. Everytime I have an event in my life that is too much for me to bear emotionally, I get a tattoo.

    Reading that another person out there used tattoos and piercings as a form of self harm….well, it opened my eyes.

    Every horrible thing that has happened in my life, every major bout of depression, I have a tattoo to commemorate it.

    Now I’m torn. I made an appointment with my tattoo artist yesterday to get a silver ribbon tattoo’d on my shoulder blade.

    I want it, I really feel I do. I need the reminder every day that I’m not alone in this battle. But I’m scared that I’m dong it to self harm.

    Thank you. For both letting me see your struggles so I know I’m not alone in my depression. And, for helping me see what I’ve been doing to myself. Plain and simple? If the physical pain makes me forget or ignore the emotional pain, I’m self harming. I would have never put that together without you.

    Please don’t ever stop being you. You are amazing. This world would suffer greatly without you in it.

  444. Thank you for being SO DAMN AWESOME. The Comments have been brave/uplifting/strengthening to read, and I’m glad your words and deeds are helping others. Good luck tomorrow in New York!

  446. Bravo, Jenny, for sharing your battles. “Wow” sums up how I felt after reading your last two posts. My sister, daughter and I have all struggled with depression and anxiety disorders since childhood. I’m thankful that medical science has advanced since my childhood and there are medications to help adjust those imbalances in my brain chemistry. And I’m thankful there are people willing to share their pain to help others cope. May 2012 be a better year for you.

  447. Jenny, most days I go around not thinking too much about most people in this world. As in, I think most people suck. Then I read something so wonderful, it makes me think, not all humans are miserable creatures. We are all truly blessed to have been touched by your light, and it brings together so many people. Don’t ever stop being you. I have watched a couple of your videos a few times now, and I’ll tell ya, I still tear up when I watch you speak in front of the group that you made them fake zombie apocalypse, and then went on to speak some of the most inspiring words I’ve heard spoken. You were so brave that day (drugs or not!) and I hope you continue to fight the good fight, and wish for your trip to NY to be a wonderful event for you.

    Battling my own inner demons, something I never truly talk about, but I know you get. Thank you.

  449. This made me tear up.
    I admire you for being so open about it, for putting yourself out there.
    And I love the people on here, for their comments.
    Sometimes, a few words is all it takes to save a human life!

  450. I can no longer just sit and read your blog without letting you know how much you have helped me (and I am sure countless others). Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me and your words helped me to get through the day and even feel a little better knowing that I am not alone and that it does get better. You are right, depression can make it feel as if it will never get better and those around us get tired of helping to fight a fight they do not understand. Thank you, just thank you. You are amazing and wonderful and I am eternally grateful for your willingness to share your thoughts with us.

  451. Who would have thought a forwarded link to a blog about a Chicken would lead me to one of the most amazing women I think I have ever met in my life – and I’ve got some pretty kick ass women that have crossed my life stream. You are guided…You are wonderful….You are radiant! Keep shining even when you think the light has dimmed. THANK YOU for your courage!

  452. Thank you for writing about it. As the grown up child of a parent who suffers from depression it’s good to see someone coming out about this issue. For all of us trapped inside the cycle of depression it helps when someone comes out and says you are not alone.

  453. I read a lot of the comments yesterday and was a bit surprised at how many people have the same illness. I had no idea depression was so common.
    Good for you for turning another light on to what many people unfortunately feel is something shameful. It isn’t.
    Big props for your courage.

  454. Thank you for sharing all of your knowledge, experiences, struggles and joys with us! Your postings help me to be more aware of how much my depression affects not only my life, but the lives of others.

  456. Thanks so much for this, you’re such an inspiration! As are all the people on here who have survived or are battling similar issues, you are all stronger and braver than you’ll ever know.

    It’s so important to speak openly about these experiences and I really admire you for doing so. I know it can be so difficult and scary when you don’t know how people will react… After recovering from depression and psychosis myself, I decided I wanted to do my own little bit for everyone out there too and started a blog. Would mean a lot if people could check it out and help me spread the understanding!

    Thank you again Jenny, you’re amazing. 🙂

  457. My baby brother is bipolar and there were times this summer we did not know where he was or what was happening to him. It is scary for everyone involved. I’m sitting here with one of the worst migraines I’ve had in a while. Reading your post gave me a few minutes of not thinking about my pain to be happy that you and your readers and those who respond to your post have done something so fabulous. I am happy that there are so many who have found hope, who realize they shouldn’t be condemned because of depression or bipolar or whatever other thing afflicts them. I hope and pray that we can start an avalanche of of people seeking help instead of living in silence with the pain. My brother’s life has improved significantly since getting help. We are happy he got help because he would probably be dead now and I don’t think my parents could handle burying another child.

  458. I don’t suffer from depression but my husband does, and it affects our entire family in many ways. When you write about your struggles it helps me understand his. It helps me be patient with him, and not give up on him even when he’s giving up on himself. Thank you so very much for being open and honest and giving a voice to this disease.

  460. Dude, you are awesome. You. Are. Awesome. All of us out here with our embarrassing Twilight fandom and our love of Wil Wheaton and our tendency to see TARDISes where there are none and also, our crippling sadness and anxiety and our compulsions to do things that hurt us and freak others out? All of us? We think you’re awesome. That is all.

  461. I read your post yesterday, and wanted to comment, but didn’t want to say the “wrong” thing. Today, I decided to say fuck it, I’m going to post and put the disclaimer that I mean no harm if i unintentionally do so.

    I am proud of you. I don’t “get” depression, or self harm, because i think it is one of those things that if you haven’t gone thru it, you don’t truly understand it. But your courage to speak about it helps me to understand it better instead of just being all judg-y. Thank you for that.

    Keep fighting and kick depression’s ass.

  462. Thank you for bringing this into the public forum. I am open about my depression at a level, but I would never blog about it out of fear. Now I feel I can. I feel I can be honest with people in my life about what I’m like under all the medication.

    I’m buying the silver ribbon necklace as a personal reminder, but also to give as much money as I can to the Traveling Red Dress Project. I think it’s brilliant, and hope that one day, when I need it the most, the Red Dress might come my way. Until then, I’ll help pay for someone else to have it, because I’m inspired by what it does for them.

    Keep fighting the good fight Jenny.

  465. Thank you, for I too suffer from depression, and some days it feels to swallow me whole. While other days life seems perfect. I support you in all you do, and I love you for helping me get through tough times too. I only found your site a few months ago, and I wish I could have found it sooner! Next time a bout of depression comes knocking on my door, I am just going to reply back with “Knock Knock Motherfucker”
    p.s. I already have your book on pre-order…

  466. No one is perfect. We are all broken in some way. That is what being human is all about.

  468. This is why I love you. You can put words to feelings we have deep down and are afraid to say. I have battled with depression since I was 10…26 years with the beast. I live openly about it. I wish when I was younger folks would have. Maybe then I would have realized: being happy is hard work. It’s worth it, but it is tough. A lot of days the bleak wins out…but so many I am able to flip it off and know I will get there: when the darkness does not own me.

    It’s good to be sad, angry, all the emotions – even depressed. It means we are alive and feeling. Thank you.
    Thank you for being. Thank you for your bravery. And know that you are loved.

  469. Oh Jenny, I worship you even more now. You can make me laugh hysterically and you let me know that we are all a little broken-and it’s okay.
    We can all fight the good fight together if we stop suffering in silent. Thank you for being so brave and telling your story. XOXO

  470. Bloggess – Thank you.

    In 2011 my brother spent more time in a mental health facility than not for anxiety and depression. So crippling at times that he was considered a threat to himself and put in a lock down ward. Everyday I waited for the call I never want to recieve. Iam so proud of him for admitting that he needs help and seeking out the resources to get help – for not being affraid of what others will think.

    The fight go on everyday for him and the people who love him – even when they cannot understand the depth of his illness.

  471. I suffer from chronic depression. I tell everyone it’s like I run a quart low in the happy department. If a “normal” person wakes up on a “normal” day and their mood is a 6, mine is a 3. Thank GOD I found an anti-depressant that lets me wake up a 6. It stopped working last year. That is the most frightning thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s the fear you were talking about. What if I never find something else that works? (Luckily, after about a year of ups and downs, I did.)

    As for self harm, I don’t do it regularly, but there have been times in my life where I have. Like you, for me, physical pain is easier than emotional/psychological pain.

    I remember sitting in a car years ago and the Goo Goo Dolls song came on that has the line “And you bleed just to know you’re alive” and whoever was in the car with me said they never understood that. I was too afraid to admit that I understood it to the core.

    Please continue to get help. Hayley needs a mommy that doesn’t do that to herself. But, know you’re not alone. There are so many of us with mental issues, anxiety issues, depression issues. We’re all pulling for you. . . LOVE LOVE LOVE

  473. Thank you, Jenny, for your words. All of them, the funny, the raunchy, the poignant, and the brutally honest. I am writing from the perspective of someone who picks up the pieces of far too many of the amazingly beautiful, talented, loving women who are my friends. I can’t feel their pain for them, I can’t tell them I know what they’re going through, because the worst times in my life were just that, times, events. My friends have been fighting lifelong battles against this BULLY in their heads who tells them they aren’t good enough, worthy of love, that the bad things others did to them were their own fault. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. But, now I CAN show them your words, and that they are not alone. Thank you for that.

  474. Jenny — I was having a particularly horrible Christmas Eve last week, for a variety of reasons, most of which were once-in-a-lifetime-but-just-happened-to-occur-on-Christmas-Eve, and then I logged on and saw your post saying “You are never alone. No one is.”

    I am a deeply cynical person in a lot of ways, but my eyes skimmed over those words and I found myself weeping.

    Later I tried 3 separate times to respond to your later post about self-harm, but nothing came out that I felt would remotely be of help to you in the same way that yours had helped me. I don’t know anything about self-harm, though I have dealt with depression and anxiety both.

    But now I just want to sort-of-clumsily tell you that though your story of self-harm certainly helps others who are dealing with that or similar, it is also true how much your willingness to stand up and say something direct and honest and true about your life also does something. Because there are so many of us out here (okay, me) who lack a lot of reinforcement about how expressing any kind of pain in our lives is okay, and instead fear that doing so is the ultimate character flaw. I was taught to be relentlessly cheerful to as not to upset people with my problems. I was taught this by relentlessly cheerful people, who conversely are some of the more passive-aggressive, depressed and tormented souls you can know.

    I will always love the “sweetly raunchy stuff in its unhinged, irreverent glory”, but I love the real stuff even more. Because it invites me, in some intangible way, to do the same. That is water to a dying person, I promise.

    Cheers.

  476. Jenny, I think you are very brave and very human. I can’t even begin to empathize, but I hope you know (and I think you do!) how much love and support you have from people who have never even met you. You are an amazingly talented individual and an inspiration. And I have to tell you that the best Christmas present I got last month was from my mom – she pre-ordered your book for me because it was on my wish list. 🙂

  477. What a brave girl. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder this year. I know the courage it takes to bare yourself to others, but I think of it like all things that grow in dark places..Letting the light shine on them will eventually make them disappear. Good luck, sweetie.

  478. I’ve been reading your early days at Mama Drama on the Chronicle site. I rarely comment, in fact I have not commented on your blog in years. I read you because you are hilarious. But you are so many other things, among them very, very brave. You have a good heart, and I am so moved by your courage to speak out about terrifying things so that you can help others. You have great power because of this. Keep on marching forward and learning, living, loving, and inspiring others as do.

  479. I don’t believe in god
    But if there is anything up there, it’s smiling upon you
    Bless you Jenny

  480. What an amazing testiment of what can happen when we drop the “capable” facade we’re so inclined to wear!
    As a recovering alcoholic I am tested each day to want to hide in a corner. The Blogisphere has enabled me to live out loud, right out here in my sobriety and the challenges of everyday life.
    Writing a blog post about my crazy kids helps me see the humor above the darkness which can set in…
    Again, Bravo for using this medium you’ve been gifted (and worked hard for) to give us all a voice.

  481. Your the best Bloggess, don’t forget that.

    I propose we make some edits to wikipedia. says that teal represents anxiety disorder and PTSD, while silver represents brain disorders. I searched, but there is no mention of mental health or depression on that page. We should update the silver ribbon on that page to include mental health. I just don’t know what to use as a reference/citation so wikipedia doesn’t take it down.

    -PF

  482. Thank you for your honesty. Not many people have the courage to admit something this personal. I deal with depression many months of the year. My husband gets laid of yearly and it just seems to be happening more and more. The uncertainy of our future has dug deep in my bones making me sad, mad and deeply depressed wondering if things will ever get better. Thank you so much for sharing.

  483. Sending as many positive thoughts your way as I can. You are so brave. Keep fighting!

  484. I have loved these past two posts and I am so happy you are getting positive feedback and helping people! I think you are so brave to be writing these posts too, I only have a few followers on my blog and it’s hard for me to put myself out there, I can’t imagine what this was like for you. You’re pure awesomeness!

  485. Jenny, you make me feel horribly guilty for poking a stick at my crazy ex-husband. I want to thank you but I also want you to stop making me think about my moral downfalls.

  486. In a society where we call the Kardashians and Mob Wives “reality”, it gives me peace and hope that there are real people out there like you Jenny. There is nothing wrong with crazy until it is exploited, touched-up and scripted like it so often is these days. Thank you for having the courage to show us true reality…and also being funny as shit.

  487. Jenny ~ I have been reading your blog now for about 6 – 8 months now but have never commented on any of your blogs. I find you absoluetly HILARIOUS. I love reading all your silly little posts. When you make post about your depression it reminds me of a close friend of mine and it helps me remember to be there for her. She is manic bipolar and she has maybe 3 friends including myself that can really handle her at all times. I sometimes am really confused at how she can be so depressed and harmful to herself (she sometimes self-harms). But I remember that it is not something that I will understand. I just know I have to be there for her. I think you are so brave for posting this out to the world! Please know that! Keep fighting and feel free to post anytime about this. From the response you are getting, we all care and are here for you!

  488. Jenny, can you please travel the country and come to Chicago so that I can wait in line to give you a hug? Please also bring the Wolf Coat. I must get a photo of that. Maybe I’ll even buy a red riding hood and we can have some laughs.

    Thank you for being so brave. And you are brave – don’t ever believe otherwise. We all just sit in amazement and wonder how the hell you are doing this. So you go, girl, and you do your thing and you just freaking BE you. Don’t change. You’re making such a huge difference by being honest. Truth disarms. Truth empowers and truth sets you free.

    I prayed for you this morning on the drive to work. I will continue to pray for you. You are loved – even if we are total strangers. Well, maybe not so much now, thanks to this blog =D

  489. I went to sleep thinking about your post and wanted to write right away this morning. I want to echo the thoughts of others and say thank you for shining a light where others fear to tread. So many of us feel that we are the only ones who are “dark and twisty,” kinda like Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy:). Through posts like this, we can all see that pain is a common element of the human experience, and by sharing it, we can lessen it for ourselves and hopefully for others at the same time. Keep calm and carry on, dear Jenny.

  490. Jenny, I’ve lived with severe depression since long before I was old enough to articulate the feelings, yet a great many people in my life know little if anything about this part of my life. Kudos to you for your bold pronouncement and the good you’ve done here. Thank you for being open and honest and raw and brave. The silver ribbon movement is a brilliant concept and I applaud you.

  491. I’ve never felt more in awe of you or felt so privileged to have found your blog. Thanks for all your courage, inspiration & laughs. You rock my world Jenny!

    xoxo

  492. I found this a while back and you’ve reminded me of it now…
    “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elizabeth Kubler Ros

  494. I couldn’t comment on your post yesterday because I am still struggling on the right words to say to say thank you. My mother died a year ago in November, she literally drank herself to a early grave. I still struggle with her death every single day of my life. Her depression consumed her life for many years, triggering more and more self hate than I can even wrap my head around. I am proud that someone has come forward and said that it is okay to talk about and that you are not alone. I am so proud that many people reading this will get help or maybe see a sparkle of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You are funny and so daring, but mostly you are brave and for that I am thankful because if more people would just be brave even for a second they could do almost anything. You really are a inspiration.

  495. Thank you so much. I haven’t been able to get your post out of my head since I read it. I wrote some of my own thoughts and experiences about depression on my blog. I kept hesitating over whether to post it, but your courage in sharing your own thoughts helped me decide to go ahead. I hope you’ll keep sharing your journey if you feel comfortable doing so.

  496. I wanted to add my small 2 cents about how much your struggle gives me hope. I have friends who struggle with their own mental burdens and since I’m not close enough to physically give them a hug I can at least Share your blog with them so they can feel not so alone in the struggle.

    More importantly my 14 year old son has Aspergers Syndrome. And with Aspergers often comes some interesting side dish or another. With him, its the family depression and his own unique High Anxiety Disorder. His medication helps A LOT but as a boy in puberty some days it just doesn’t seem to take. Reading your insight into the feelings & reasons of some of your extreme points helps me feel more prepared should he (*holds back tears*) feel he needs to walk down that road.

    Lucky for me/him, his Aspergers leaves him unable to hide his distress or depression in any way (social services has been out 3 times due to his extreme teen exaggeration of his “plight”! lol). And we got him on meds & in counseling at an early age.

    Although the social worker asked me, “We’ve never had any reports on you until the last year? What has changed?”

    “My son got a therapist,” was the truthful answer!

    Your blog is a shining light of humor. Your struggle is a blazing sun onto a too long hidden truth.

    I thank you.

  497. Just after reading your post, I saw a PSA that Mike Wallace had done about getting help for Depression. Hadn’t seen that one in quite some time, ironically. But, I realized that he, and YOU, have the voice and exposure to garner attention on behalf of so many that may never otherwise be heard.
    By making your struggles public, you found courage that most of us can never muster. You stood up while we couldn’t. You did it despite your trepidation.
    So, please accept all the “thank-you’s” you are getting via social media and here on your site. Thank you from us, and for us. This was an important first step for so many.

  499. I personally love your typical brand of weird. Mostly since it is so close to mine. However I do appreciate the interspersed posts that may be considered less than histerical.
    I also have suffered from health issues. While I do not have depression, I do suffer from anxiety. There are key differences between the two, but there are also a lot of similarities. Not many people talk about anxiety (at least not on the level of a medically diagnosed neuronal disorder). Your posts about your depression remind me that even though I am currently in a rough spot with my anxiety (it is worse than it has ever been lately, expanding into areas that have never been an issue before), I will get out of it. It also has been extremely motivating me in order to work even harder, with the help of my therapist, to dig myself out of this anxiety.

  501. Thank You for all of Your posts. When my RA & joblessness & poison mental soundtrack are too much, Your blog is the Knock Knock Motherfucker.

  502. These last few posts reminded me of this great interview with the fabulously funny (like you) Darrell Hammond who wrangles with depression and self harm (like you). I was sobbing listening to it at the time but also hopeful (like when reading your recent posts) because he is fighting the demons, and winning (like you). http://www.npr.org/2011/11/07/141990958/snls-darrell-hammond-reveals-cutting-abuse
    And his book title has to be one of the best ever: God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked

  503. This is really a WOW post! You always amazed me of your blog. I hope this would be another great year for you. Happy new year The Bloggess!

  504. I just wanted to also say thank you for your honesty, for sharing, and for being so brave. I think you are strong, smart and funny. I often wish I was those things, and hope someday to be. You are truly awesome.

  505. Thank you for posting both of these. I have struggled with self-harm for almost 30 years and it is so good to read the comments about how your fight has made others feel less isolated, or alone in this aspect of mental health.

    I just spent 6 weeks as an inpatient trying to get my life back together, and while I found the nurses to be compassionate nothing was as helpful as sharing with the other patients about the things we have fought against and the things we have survived. I have gone 3 weeks now, and am incredibly proud of that, but now that I am home I have no one to celebrate it with me. This is an addiction. It is the best anxiety killer, and is the one thing that calms suicidality in me. I want to make my outside look like my inside feels. I want to hurt me before someone else does.

    I have stopped promising myself that I will never do it again. That takes a huge amount of the pressure off. I gave myself permission to get back on the wagon if I fall off. One slip up does not negate all the days I didn’t do it. Last time I went 2 years without it. I know I can do it again, and so can you and your readers.

  506. Yay! Bravo! You’re amazing! We’re amazing! (Also, regarding an older post, Doctor Who rocks!)

  508. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more awesome……..

    Peace & Love

  509. Fair warning: if I ever meet you in person, I’m going to hug you. Just…hug you. You’ve been warned.

  512. No really, thank you for that post. As a blogger who focuses on smashing the awful stigmas surrounding mental illness I am so glad to see a popular blogger “coming out” about her personal struggle. This will make a much bigger impact than any post I could ever write.

    I remember being at BlogHer. I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown and fantasized about jumping out the hotel window while there. Someone mentioned you. They told me that you struggle with anxiety and that I should seek you out. I didn’t leave my hotel room enough to find anyone but it made me feel a bit better to know that I’m not the only person who has to hide out because they have anxiety attacks. You’re letting a lot of people here know that they’re not alone. All these comments are helping so many people including me.

  515. This is one of the few times that I will happily say…I told you so! You, touch people, all of the time, whether you realize it or not. You give us a place to help each other, to find comfort, and most importantly, to feel safe. You’ve created a “hub” where all of us “crazy but normal” people can come and chat, cry, whine, scream at the top of our lungs, and love. You give us an outlet that’s free from judgement, and open to all. I don’t think any of us could find the words, on our own, to truly thank you. But, combined, we may come close to expressing our gratitude.

    With love, gratitude, and WOLVERINES!
    Blessed Be,
    Elizabeth Larlham Oala

  516. Thank you again. Your bravery is what allows us to be there for you, for each other. Knowing that we aren’t alone, not letting you feel alone. You should have known we would lift you up. As much as words can hurt, so can the right words heal.

  517. Good luck in NYC!
    I hope that the outpouring of support and the impact on your readers will inspire you to continue to use this space to tackle the hard parts of life, I think it does us all good. Thank you for your bravery and honesty.

  518. Jenny, I don’t even have the words to say how much I love and appreciate you. You’ve opened up to the world, and because you’ve given all of us the chance to stand together we’ve become better and stronger for it. I’ve never posted to your blog before, but I had to step in and say that I appreciate you. No matter what demons you face, no matter what you’ve done and what’s happened to you in the past, I see you and appreciate you. I feel I know you because of how honest you’ve been, and I believe that when you know someone you can’t help but love them. You’re strong enough to make it through <3 And because you could shout it to the world, so am I.

  520. I am also in a battle with depression. (Man it feels good to say that. Thanks for paving the way for honesty here.) Do you have any idea how many times your crazy humor has pulled me out of my darkness and made me laugh? You are good at this. You know how to squeeze every last laugh out of every day. You do it well.

    If you did not have your dark place, your depression, then you wouldn’t have this gift. You know the value of laughter as survival and therapy.

    Thank you, brave one, for sharing your story. You have given me permission to possibly share my war story on my own blog.

    Keep on keeping on.
    Enjoy the energy that you are receiving from this!
    You are loved and cared for. We need you out here, okay?

    -Libby Lu

  521. Every time you post about your struggles – whether it be arthritis, depression, self-harm, whatever – I find myself wondering if I’m your clone or long lost twin. Except, if you are my clone/twin – you clearly got all the fun snark-ability, and I got none. It’s good to know that someone out there, just a few months older than me, who is going through similar struggles. That, even though we’ve never met, I know I’m not alone, that someone else out there understands what I’m going through. And it’s not that mythical “someone else” that people tell tales about, some random stranger somewhere in the world who might be going through what I am – but a *real* person that I can put a face and name to, even if we’ve never met or interacted before. A someone willing to share her life & story with the other “me”s out there who are feeling so alone.

    I hope the outpouring of support and all of the “‘me too!’s!” help keep your own demons at bay for a good long while, just like your sharing is helping us. Thank you.

  522. I don’t know how to write a HUG…so I’ll send you a link to a song you can add to your repertoire of Battle Songs-

  523. My sons – 21 & 18 at the time – attempted suicide within 6 weeks of each other last winter. We’re coming up on the anniversary of my older sons’ attempt – he hung himself from the rafters of my parents’ garage, then fought his way back down as he felt his life slipping away. Each day closer to that anniversary I feel the panic, anger, dread, guilt, terror of the hour and a half midnight drive it took me to get to him when he called, and the year we’ve spent recovering. Six weeks later his brother washed down his step-mothers’ considerable stash of pills with that house’s considerable stash of booze. He was in the hospital a month. It was his third attempt, and the first time he’s really gotten, and accepted, the help he needed. They are both doing well know, and I am on the constant verge of panic. I have fought depression since before they were born. I continue to fight it on behalf of all three of us. And I can’t tell you what an encouragement your openness and honesty have been this year as I try to come to terms with the legacy they inherited. Thank you … you are an amazing gift to the world.

    My heart goes out to the woman whose daughters succeeded in their suicide attempts. I wish I could wrap her in a big hug and let her say everything there is to say.

  524. I love your hilarious humor, but if you never write a funny, sweaty-raunchy post again, I would be okay with that. I’d miss my daily laugh, but I am just so amazed at your bravery and open honesty, and so many people need what you have to offer. Some days one just can’t do the funny. Until you can…we’ll still be here.

  525. I’m happier than I can say that your post has started a whole community of responses. Because when you get down to it, depression is a disorder of isolation. Community is exactly what people with depression lack.

  527. Thank , thank you for having the courage to write this. My mom had a nervous break down when I was 7 and both my bro’s have attempted suicide. I have always been looked at as the “sane” one in our family even though inside, I feel like I am kryptonite. I have been diagnosed with everything from manic depression, ADD to just plain old GAD. I am that productive wife, mom, friend, all around boring gal who usually finds the funny in just about everything.
    I used to cut and burn myself as a teenager (a third degree one and this is the first I am ever confessing it). I often look at that scar and appreciate it’s the only clue any one has ever had to the battle I wage with myself every day and they don’t even know it. Not even my husband knows where it really came from. People tell me all the time I’m wonderful, funny, together, etc… and I think God if you only knew, you would flee. I hate anyone saying anything nice to me, it hurts to hear it. That being said, it is a tremendous relief to know that I’m not the only one trying so hard to be my best person and killing my soul in the process because I don’t feel it’s real.

    I wanted to say that last year I started running. I have managed to not hurt myself for probably about 15 years but the mental hurt never seems to let go and that gnawing terror of new depression lurks with or without meds. always. Running for me has become that physical release that you get from the self harm without the shame. I can’t say enough about it. I blast some U2 or Coldplay, start running, and I scream in my head “I DON”T SUCK!!!” until I think I’m going to drop and then I keep running more. “I don’t suck” is so much easier for me to say and I feel like I shed so much emotional weight with that simple phrase.
    Thank you again for being so honest. It’s given me some real food for thought about putting myself out there weak or strong and letting the chips fall.

  528. Jenny,

    I have just recently come across your blog and started reading it, you are wonderful at writing and I haven´t missed a publication since. Your latest posts are truly amazing, as you say it, reading about this can help people start dealing with their own problems. So far I have lost 3 close people to suicide due to depression. And the question always remains what could I have said and done to prevent it. You dear Jenny are doing just that, saying something, doing something that makes a difference.

    Rock on

  530. You know what helps? Realizing that you are not alone. We are all self destructive in some way. Some of us damage ourselves with words and others use sharp objects. We are our own worse enemy. The best part about this online community is that for the most part we all get it and can be there to lend an encouraging word, a nod, a nudge that helps keep us moving from day to day.

    You are well loved. No matter what.

  531. I always love to read your posts because you have a warped sense of humor, just like me. This time, I was touched by your bravery. Lots of people, including myself, are struggling with mental illness, but the stigma that society puts on it makes us reluctant to talk about it. Mental illness, in whatever form, is a disease. No one chooses to have bipolar disorder (me), depression (also me), or any other disorder any more than they would choose to have cancer. Thanks girl! Let’s all keep spreading the world!

  532. Thanks so much for the post, Ms (Blog)Gess!

    Yup, you sure seem normal. I guess, someone would say that of me if they met me. The arm scars are a little harder to explain, but I have a cover story for them, too. (Luckily, I’ve given that up … tempted a couple of times … but haven’t.) But, I got that Black Dog bad (not to be down on black dogs, but that’s a phrase Churchill used.)

    That’s just the thing. I occasionally wish that I had a Depression Zit or something. When my depression flares, one of my major symptoms is (besides the usual self loathing and stuff) confusion and memory loss. Of course, my co-workers just think I’m lazy when I say ‘I have no recollection of that’ or when I stop working on something in the middle, and forget to finish a task. It’s great, I admitted my condition to my manager, but he still knocked me down for it.

    I <3 corporate America.

    Lucky, I found an SSRI that works for me. The kicker – it blew my BP out of the water 140/90. So, starting this month, I'm weaning myself off of it to verify that it is the SSRI that caused my BP spike. Oh, I'm starting a new position, too. So, old forgetful me will most likely come back. Not to mention that it feels like – well, it's just freaking weird. I'm dizzy and generally messed up. Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to concentrate and 'be productive.'

    I'm convinced that component of depression is a feedback loop. You mention triggers. Mine is most definitely connected to esteem issues. And, of course, if I'm messing up… rinse, wash, repeat.

    So, I feel your pain. And everyone else's. But, it's great to know that we're all in this together. A toast to us all – may 2012 be joyus – and we'll chat in 2013. A day at a time.

    (I just have a month to go before my experiment is done – oh -it was recommend that I do this by both my primary and my 'pusher.')

  534. I love you, Jenny. You can’t imagine how many times you have been there for me, and you don’t even know me.

  536. Thank you for posting this…so many of us…me for 28 years…have been open (tentatively) about our self harm, our eating disorders, our alcoholism/addiction, our suicidal thoughts, our deep soul sucking sadness….the list goes on…to open others and it’s a lot like a single voice shouting into a storm. To know that someone heard, that someone was helped has made me cry. I know this has to be my battle and i can accept that most days, but to know its also not in vain, finally, is so…..I have no words for it (and I write,so that means a bit).

    My daughter also has this and was suicidal at 10 years old, her life was saved and she didn’t just survive, she thrived, she surmounted this fucking thing. SHE gives me hope. She is the strongest person I know. I wrote her doctor and open letter once to thank him because this is often a thankless field. My baby is alive and well. There IS hope and there IS healing.You’re honesty on such a huge platform is astounding, brave and I am grateful for it. I know you get a shit-load of comments but I had to say this, to try to get it out to you the sheer enormity of your actions.

    Thank you.

  537. Funny you made the “normal” comment because yesterday when I posted I almost wrote “we are the normal ones” I used to think I was crazy but I finally reached out to get help and found out that I am NOT crazy. And neither are you or anyone else that suffers from this disease. WE ARE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  539. Your last 2 blog posts have single-handedly been the most important and inspiring pieces of work I have ever read online. In years/decades past we used to visit the WWW for information and for references. This day and age I feel like it’s more about entertainment. I think it’s amazing that you, with this large platform and thousands of readers, found the strength to discuss these issues. I come to your site to get my laugh for the day which was what I needed yesterday after a doctor’s appointment. I have been on depression/anti-anxiety drugs for almost 10 years but have recently decided to try to ween off of them. I knew I had to be completely open and honest with my doctor about everything so he could help make a plan for me. He was the first person I have ever admitted to about my picking/self harming. I thought for sure he’d ignore my request to taper my meds. He didn’t. He was impressed with the strength I had to tell him about my sores. We then made a plan on how I was to handle my anxiety. When I left the appointment I felt relieved (that I had shared a secret with him) but scared (that this might fail). What if I get off my meds and start feeling anxious and depressed? What would my fiance think of the “real” me? The me, without my meds. What if I have to get back on them? Then, I went to your blog and read that amazing piece of writing and felt such an ease. I’m not completely healed when I am on my meds, and I’m not going to be when I’m off of them. It’s also okay to get back on them if I need to. There is nothing wrong with mental illness and there is nothing wrong with healing. Thank you so much for your openness. It meant alot when I need it.

  540. I like to think we’re hitting critical mass on the issue of depression/mental illness and with that we will see a shift in attitudes, perception and health care coverage.

    I remember in 1993 I phoned an insurance agent to talk about about disability insurance. I was a freelance graphic designer and was trying to do the responsible thing and get coverage. This agent in Texas chatted me up and down, talking about her friend who shared my unusual Italian surname (not Bolla) and made me feel like we were good friends. Late in the conversation/interview I felt the need to disclose that I had recently start psychotherapy. Boom … there went ANY chance of getting coverage from her company. Her tone of voice changed from melted butter to ice as she basically told me it was people like me who caused insurance rates to go up with our “stress claims” and California was the worst “abuser” (I live in San Francisco). I tried to counter by saying that I had less of a chance of filing a claim for job stress because I was getting help for any mental issues I might have (and out of my own pocket as this was before the health insurance parity law). She’d already torn my app up and that was that. I had been speaking to another agent around that time, trying to compare policies and premiums. He was a friend of a friend. I thought that might buy me some leniency/understanding. But no, I got the same response albeit not as cold but still “no way”. I was shamed and didn’t seek out coverage for the next year then approached State Farm and they sold me a policy. I’m hoping the situation I just described is no longer a problem.

    BTW, I’m entering my 19th year of therapy with the same psychotherapist, who, given the number years we’ve worked together, essentially re-raised me. I plan on continuing to see him until he retires (or one of us dies). We’ve done all the heavy lifting, now it’s just maintenance and day-to-day issues.

    Phew. I think that’s the longest comment I’ve ever posted. And if you could see how slowly I type you’d appreciate the effort! Bloggers such as yourself who write about their mental illness are doing a HUGE public service and should be acknowledged and supported. We will benefit individually and as a society if we bring this disease out into the open and banish the stigma forever. What a wonderful world it would be.

  541. I bought your calendar and it reminds me that even someone as awesome as you can struggle with depression, like I do.

  542. I almost didn’t write this comment, but here’s one more: I suffer from Depression, and it sucks balls. I’m open about it, and answer questions from people who want to know about it, but secretly I’m scared that people will think I’m crazy and won’t want to be around me if they find out. (Hell, *I* don’t want to be around myself sometimes.) But I know that being open and honest is how someone else will find out and maybe get help for themselves, so there it is.

  543. I am sure so much of what I want to say has been said already in the growing number of comments here, but I still felt the need to add one more voice to cheering crowd on the other side of the screen. Depression is something that runs in my family and although I have not been diagnosed with it (although I do suffer from another addiction), my mother was and I saw what she went through. Whether or not there is some subconscious Freudian theory going on, I have also ended up being drawn to or in relationships with women who also have suffered in the past or still suffer to this very moment with depression, self-harm and alcoholism. The part that always astonishes me, and why we need more brave people like you, is each time they opened up to tell me about their conditions, they were always ashamed and convinced that they were the only one who has ever had to deal with it. I immediately try to sooth that fear and explain my long and ongoing connection to those issues. At first it is always something like, “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” but then I describe in detail the very same triggers, emotional swings and daily battles I witnessed my mother go through and I instantly see the recognition in their eyes. So often they just need to know there are others out there who battle and win every day.

    Keep fighting, keep reaching up and reaching out. There are more hands than you can dream of just waiting to help you out.

  544. Best of luck in New York.
    Even though you don’t really need it. 😉
    Your audio book is going to be the nothing short of FAB-U-LOUS.

    PS I always tell my kids there’s no such thing is normal!

  545. I have been following you for a while, and you continue to both inspire me and make me laugh so hard I cry. Your most recent posts have especially meant a lot to me though, because while I do not battle depression myself, a close friend of mine recently lost his battle with it. Unfortunately, he could not find a way out of his darkness and took his own life two weeks before this past Christmas. At 21, burying a friend is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to deal with. So I just want to say thank you for the strength that you possess and the willingness to share your experiences. I just hope that as time goes on, the stigma can be broken and people can seek out the help they need so no one else needs to go through the pain of the disease, and no one else needs to lose a loved one to it. I saw this today on Twitter and I thought I would share it; I was going to tweet it to you but my account is blocked and I worried you would not see it, so I decided to share it here. It is equally brave, and I hope stories like Rob Delaney’s and yours continue to fight their way into the media and possibly reach those who need it most. Thank you again!!

    http://robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/414007899/on-depression-getting-help

  546. Holy Moly, I haven’t felt this much sunshine in YEARS, thank you everyone, and thank you Jenny. YOU may have saved my life.

  547. I’ve only recently recognized my depression for what it actually is, in the past couple of years. But I hid it from my children which was a mistake. Last month my son (20) called the police on himself because he was suicidal, and spent the week in the mental health hospital. Thank God! We had no idea he was depressed. He’s on meds now and is getting counseling. We HAVE to talk about this stuff so we can pass on the coping skills to the next generation that may desperately need them. We talk about it openly even amongst our extended family now, and have discovered others in the family also suffering quietly. We don’t have to go thru this shit alone… Even though we might want to some days. Go team!! 🙂

  550. Thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly! I found it ironic that I went to your blog yesterday because I was having a hard day and you always make laugh even when I really don’t want to….So to know that you struggle made it all seem full circle. Thoughts and prayers are with you as you fight, HONESTLY, what so many do. You are amazing!

  551. Thank you for explaining something I can never find the strength or the words to say- instead I can point to your post and say that, that is how I feel.

  552. You’re welcome.
    Thanks!
    You are one of the strangest strongest people I know, and that’s a VERY good thing.
    You’ll be fine – or a reasonable facsimile thereof – in NYC.
    And whatever your next post is, it will be awesome because it’s yours.

  553. I applaud you for your honesty, and your family for supporting you through it. Mine would call me crazy and expect me to stop being a wack job and snap out of it if they knew how I struggle to keep it together. Most days I just want to die. If it weren’t for my kids, my husband, my ailing mom, my dogs, and everyone/everything else that tugs and pulls at me constantly I’d never get out of bed. I think anti depression meds are way overprescribed and don’t want them for myself….if only the doctor could prescribe me a week of total bedrest and a tropical vacation! Keep on keepin on. The sun still shines somewhere, even on days you can’t see it.

  554. So, I posted your blog post on my facebook wall and I admitted my struggle to the world. I heard some things like “Others are worse than you and you should look around and be grateful for what you have.” My dad even told me it was probably a bad idea to put something like that out in the public like I did. I don’t care. I have too many friends who are suffering and struggling like I am to not acknowledge my depression. In response to those who told me to be grateful and there are others worse off… I told them thank you and that I’d keep that in mind. But I am not a sad person. I am a very happy person. I am very blessed. I love my life and those around me. What depresses me is ME. I hate myself. I self mutilate. I used to cut, but it was so open for others to see. Now I tear myself down internally. I berate and abuse myself to the point where I cannot get off the couch. I sleep my days away because when I’m asleep i can no longer hear the voices in my head telling me what a bad mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, nanny, person I am. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to deal with how ugly I am. But I’ve learned that this whole struggle has so many different aspects to it. And I’ve picked up tricks along the way to help those different aspects. there’s the physical aspect that medication and excercise help. For me there’s a spiritual aspect in it, and when i pray and read things that uplift me, I feel better. there’s the mental part that is one of the hardest for me. It’s quieting those voices, which is nearly impossible. But when I can do all these things, I start to succeed. I start to overcome. Reading your post made me realize how strong I am. I kick ass! I am fighting with everything in me, for my family, my husband, my daughters, but most of all, for myself. Thanks for helping me realize the strength I have. You’re an angel. thank you.

  555. Hi. Just want to say how amazing you are, and how happy i am that i found your blog a a couple months ago. You can make me laugh and cry with simple words and that is a great gift! I posted both of your last post to my facebook to get my friends to read about you too. I am going to find some silver ribbon and support you because you have started something many want to say but can’t. Maybe one day, like breast cancer awareness day and gaypride day we can have a day dedicated to all those who have fight and still fight to feel normal, to feel proud of being who they are!
    it’s comforting to read your blog and know that someone out there can share so much personally just to hope that it can make everyone everywhere alittle better!

    GO YOU 🙂

  557. Thank you all! Jenny, please don’t feel that we only want to hear from you when you have something funny to share (though you are one of the few people that makes me laugh out loud). The love that gets shared here is amazing, and you bring that out too.

    My favorite uncle committed suicide years ago, because he was afraid of becoming addicted to anti-depressents. Called the neighbor & told him to go pick up my aunt from work but not let her in the house, then called 911. My youngest deals with it also (almost wrote suffers). I supported but didn’t really understand until the death of my middle child 3 years ago (car accident weeks before her 21st), followed 13 months later by the death of my boyfriend of 16 years (cancer). Now I understand. Some days the pit swallows me whole but I somehow get through the day. The sheep demand that I get up and feed them, and some days that’s all I accomplish. Some days are better. I cringe when people tell me how strong I am. I just fake it really well.

    Remembering when Kid the Younger came home from middle school and proclaimed “I know what the N word is”. Cringing inside, I asked. “Normal. There’s something wrong with those people”. Ain’t nothing wrong with us!

  560. These last two posts brought me to tears. Because I know how you’re feeling and how you’ve felt. My first suicide attempt was at age 12. (I’m 43 now!) My mother cried when she said Happy Birthday to me at 34 “because I was really afraid you wouldn’t make it this long.” More than 10 years ago, on a day when I couldn’t move and could only cry into the phone, my best friend came and got me to a doctor. She literally saved my life. The next few days, having just started medication, I was at the beach and longed to swim out. But I kept hearing her say “You won’t always feel this way.” I trusted her, and it was true.

    Over the last several years, I have shared openly about my depression. It still scares me to talk about sometimes, because I’m never sure how they will react. And, I think back to when I was 12 and my mother lied to the doctors about how I overdosed. It took me so many years to realize that she was protecting me rather than being ashamed of me. But it’s still really scary. The awesome news is that every time I share about my struggle, people tell me that my openness has helped them – whether because they are fighting the same battles or they know someone who is and my sharing helped them understand.

    I still struggle. But through an amazing support system of friends and a truly remarkable husband, I know I’m not alone. I haven’t been suicidal for close to two years. I have an amazing life. But anyone who suffers from depression knows that having a “good life” doesn’t mean jack. Depression isn’t about what’s good or bad. It’s a disease. And we’re surviving it. Wow.

    Congratulations Jenny! And thank you so much for sharing your story. Of course, most of your posts bring me to tears because I am laughing so hard, but the tears that came up today are because a kindred spirit is surviving! Thank you.

  561. You are an amazing woman with an unmatched talent for taking such difficult, complex issues and making them accessible, understandable, relatable. And throughout it all you tell things straight wiht such perfect humor. Thank you for creating this little universe where good things continue to happen…and large roosters arrive on the doorstep. Stay strong, sister!

  562. From the daughter of a psychotic manic depressive who refuses to seek treatment you are doing everything I wish my mother would do. I learned from my mother to not hide and to not be ashamed as I know the affects it had on me. Instead, your daughter will know you are struggling as all parents due with issues, however, you will be her hero. She will look up to you everyday and realize life is what you make of it. She will see you are strong and beautiful and love you more for it.

  564. Your honesty is beautiful.
    These last two posts really help more people than you know or will ever know. Simply amazing. And what a powerful use of your forum. Kudos!

  565. I love you. Whatever you write, what ever you feel, you are real and you are important.

    I made my sister and husband read your post about depression, because they both struggle with it. Thank you for saying the words that others can’t.

  566. It’s good to share things like this, as it helps you to realize and understand that while we all may be different, in the end we all share so much in common with one another.

  567. You know that your slightly unhinged, gloriously irreverent posts are made BETTER by being intermixed with posts like this. Lots of funny folks are in denial, or all fluff; your being really real makes your funny even funnier. You are showing us, in raw form, how surreal life can be. Thanks for the view, no matter what the weather might be in your world today.

  569. I found your blog via a pinterest link for haunted mansion art. Wow! Was I surprised at these posts. I, myself, have been suffering from depression and anxiety and even though I have been in therapy and on meds, I have been paralyed for the past six months. Thank you so much for your honesty and for helping to bring light to the darkness that others are suffering. It really helps to know that others understand, even when we feel alone. You are an inspiration!

  570. I am truly glad that you now know how supported you are and I hope that everyone who feels similarly to you also gets support. We’re all crazy, some of us can just hide it better 🙂 Have a great trip!

  571. “PPS. I promise my next post will be back to sweetly-raunchy and unhinged, irreverent glory.” But that is what these last twp posts were. We love you Jenny— all sides of you. It is why we check your BLOG constantly hoping for a post. You are honest and not afraid to be yourself and that is something we all wish we could do. Plus, you are just hilarious.

  574. If you never went back to your raunchy self, I would still read. Not many people can combine irreverence, depression and something uplifting all in one blog.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

  575. I’ve been thinking about this since I read it, and maybe I should just keep my thoughts to myself and not write this, but I am much more likely to make the mistake of speaking when I shouldn’t rather than not speaking when I should.

    Anyway, by “self-harm” I can’t help but wonder if you mean cutting, and, if that’s the case, I’m wondering, as a mother of a daughter myself, if imagining Haley doing the same thing to herself would be enough to help you stop.

    On the other hand, if by “self harm” you mean eating that 3rd brownie or drinking the rest of the bottle of wine from dinner, I say “rock on,” and more power to ya’.

  578. I’m so glad that writing about your depression has lifted a weight off your chest. Just having it acknowledged and accepted can be so carthartic. But it’s amazing that you started something so big yesturday that prompted so many people to come forward and share their experiences. You and everyone who commented have done a whole world of good and should be really proud.

    It’s so true that ‘crazy is the new normal’. Normality is a myth. If we could read the minds of all those around us we would probably find that no one has perfect mental health. Most people are suffering or have suffered from some mental issue or other- whether that’s depression, anxiety, low-self esteem, grief, addictions, eating-disorders, complusive behaviour or whatever else. But sadly sometimes we think we have to put on a mask and pretend to be what we are not instead of opening up and showing our true selves. When we do though, we usually discover just like you have, that we are far from alone.

  579. With all the pain and suffering you’ve been through, the words that come out of the end of your fingers are straight from the gut…. You’re helping save people’s lives. We may be commenting and coming out of dark places ourselves, but thank you for risking being crushed and hurt, thanks for being the tip of the arrow through the shroud, the walls, the silence.

  581. Your blog has helped me through some pretty tough times. Reminding me to laugh when I needed it, but also reminding me that I’m not alone. Thank you for your courage.

  582. My best friend describes me as crazy, and I laugh along with her, even if she’s not laughing. I’ve always wondered why other people don’t seem to feel as deeply as I do, and why it’s deemed unacceptable to express those feelings. Fuck ’em I say! I get great joy from hearing you freely express yourself, weird-ass stuffed critters and all, and I support you 100% (because 110% is really just a lie.) I have found that there are two very important things in life – reveling in the joy of the oft-expressed EFF Word, and dressing things up in little hats, should the mood strike me. Thank you for living out loud.

  583. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are just starting to realize how many people you have touched. I experienced the same outpouring when I posted about my struggle with postpartum depression on FB. I randomly came upon one of your blogs that a friend shared there, and I think it was put in my path, at that moment in time, for a reason. Depression has always been a part of my life, as my father committed suicide, and I continue to deal with an impulse control disorder. But obviously, we are NOT ALONE! I like to say that everybody’s got a little bit of crazy in their closet. 🙂 Thank you for being open, and honest, and frank about an issue that needs more attention. Can’t wait to read your book!

  584. Whatever you can do to find a sense of contentment without harming yourself, do it. Watch Denis Leary’s “No Cure for Cancer”. It’s about the myth of happiness.
    Depression is a bear. When it runs in the family, well that’s no fun at all.
    But,your goofy zazzle shop gave my kid the best shopping place this year. Your blog also helps him see his mom isn’t the only off center woman in the world.
    Thank you for all you do. Your words really help a lot of us get through it.

  585. I’ve been dealing with depression on and off for the past 10 years or so, but the past few months have been particularly rough. I haven’t hurt myself, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve also thought about suicide more than I’d like to admit. I’ve been slowly getting better and have asked for help, both from my doctor (who upped my meds), and from a counselor. I finally, FINALLY, feel like things are turning around and I’m emerging from the hole I’ve been living in for far too long.

    I saw your first post yesterday, and felt like I was in a good enough place to link to it on my own Facebook page and admit that I could have written the first half. The response from my friends has been really positive and supportive, and many admitted their own struggle. And of course, I wanted to tell them, “but you seem so normal!”. (But I didn’t.) 🙂

    I also spent much of my counseling session today talking about your blog and how powerful that kind of openness can be.

    I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for a long time, but have never figured out what to get. Since reading your post yesterday I’ve been really considering getting something like “It Gets Better” on my forearm. Small and simple and not too obvious, but something I can always carry with me to remember that I can, and WILL, survive.

    Thank you for your brilliant humor and your incredible courage. You have helped so many people, including me.

  587. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us have a hard time doing. In loving memory of my best friend “Carrots” who died over 20 years ago from manic-depression.

  588. Funny – or not so – but as I read your posts, Smokey Robinson’s “Tears of a Clown” kept popping into my head. I don’t blog, but I fancy myself a humorist of sorts. My depression was diagnosed postpartum at age 35 but looking back as an adult, i can see the path my life took with depression as the ruder. Lots of poor decisions, self-harm – maybe not expressly – but allowing myself to be harmed, dulled by drugs. Eating disorders. And fear. Man is that fear a strong force.

    About 3 years ago, I got a lesson in tough love from my friends and family, and allowed myself to finally, finally face some demons and take responsibility where I could, and acknowledge and release the things that were outside my control. It was a long, painful experience.

    But I came out on the other side. I am stronger. And still funny. I still feel vulnerable. i have to fight not to fall into the same coping mechanisms. Thank you for sharing your story.

  589. That’s very brave of you to talk about your battle with self-harm. I think almost all sufferers bury their condition under the cover of darkness. I hope being able to talk about it brings healing. Someone close to me has also suffered but they have come through and it’s been years since the last episode. I hope the same for you.

  590. Warm wishes for a successful trip to NYC. (I assume it has something to do with your book?) You are a treasure and have helped all of us who post comments and tons of people who don’t.

  592. Thank you, Jenny. I, too, refuse to be silent about my depression anymore. I refuse to be ashamed of my illness. The more we are honest about what it is to live with mental illness, the stronger we become and the more we fight the blackness.

    You are such an inspiration; I love you – I really do.

  593. You. Are. Awesome. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for 30 years. When I started out (back in high school) I was the girl who would put a large metal rooster on someone’s doorstep or wear a wolf suit to a premier. In an effort to keep depression and anxiety under control, I squashed that side of me. I live a structured and practical life. And it works. But I sit on the sidelines and cheer my heart out for you who can keep that spark alive. I know full well what amazing strength you have and it brings me more hope than you can know. Thank you for kicking ass!

  594. Thank you for this post.
    I have suffered with the same afflictions as you for years, but have been ashamed to let anyone know. My husband and parents are the only ones in on my “secret”, which I know realize is unhealthy. I have two young daughters, one of who was born with a serious heart condition that only intensifies my disorder. It has been six months since her birth, but I can feel my depression and anxiety only intensifying by the day.
    You inspired me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, and that everyone I love and care about can only benefit from sharing my secret and seeking help. Thank you for making me feel empowered and strong.
    I don’t know you personally, but you have inspired me to change my life, so I just wanted to thank you. It means the world.

  595. Again, Thank you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I called a psychiatrist yesterday to schedule my first appointment to get help in over a year.
    You’re amazing. Thanks 🙂

  596. so brave. so strong. so survivor-y. the comments just blew me away, how there are so many people out there who are supportive, kind, caring, accepting, and every f-ing thing else. thanks for the bravery, sister.

  597. This post let me cry the tears I have been stifling, scared to let them flow for fear that I would break once again, even though I KNOW I have a tried and true support system. Thank you for helping me see the lies depression tells us, that we cannot get through, that we cannot get help. But the outpouring here reminds me yet again that I am not alone. I knew it. But depression tried to hide it yet again. Thank You.

  599. Good for you. Sometimes you try so hard for so long, and you tell people you’re struggling only to have them say “Nice day!”, and all you want to do is sleep until you’re dead

    I know you’re going through complete and utter crap. But I hope you know how lucky you are to have support, from your family, from your blog.

    Take care.

  600. Thank you for being so open and honest. My husband has been battling with major depression for a few years, but he really hit rock bottom in 2011. He didn’t start to improve until he started being honest and talking about it, but even then I had no idea just how bad it was until he had a major crisis as he had been keeping the worst of it to himself. He still has a long way to go but I hope our darkest days are now behind us – it’s very scary seeing someone you love in such a horrible place and nothing you can say can help them, as they’re well beyond rational thought.

    Hubby started blogging about his depression as well (qui-sum-ego.blogspot.com), and it has been amazing and heartwarming that everyone who knows him has been supportive and caring – including and especially his work colleagues. There has been no negative reaction at all.

    The more people are open about mental illness the less stigmatised it becomes, and hopefully more people will feel able to seek help when they see that they’re not alone in their struggles and they’re definitely not freaks.

  601. You’re the same person you were before we read this, and we love you now just as we did then. And we always will! Good for you for saying it – loudly – and for helping thousands by doing so!

  602. I really appreciate your frankness about your depression. I was diagnosed with chronic depression many years ago, & have always kept the news mostly to myself becauseof the stigma. when I first started reading your tweets then blog, iI thought, Hey, here’s someone more messed up than me! However, you are way funnier than I could ever think about being. Anyway, I don’t really think you’re more messed up than me, we just have different issues. We ALL have different issues. I truly enjoy you’re stories & sympathise with you when your down. You have helped me realize I can & should be more open about my depression. Thank you!

  603. I just wanted to say thanks for being so open and honest about something that so many of US deal with every day. Your bravery, eloquence, and determination to love life have inspired me to continue to make my own life better.

  604. I just have to say thank you Jenny – det du skriver betyder så meget for mig, du viser et lys hvor jeg selv er håbløs. Du er et fantastisk menneske og jeg håber at kunne være bare halvt så modig som dig.
    I’m sorry I cant say it in english, but it had to be my own words in danish.
    Love from Asta

  605. Jenny et al, I’ve probably read these last couple posts and their comments nearing a hundred times now. They’ve drug me up out of the quicksand in which I was drowning and I feel like I’m at least clawing at the solid ground again. My husband in 34. He had two major strokes last April and it has sent our entire world in a tailspin. He’s recovering well, but things will never be quite the same. I’m having an extremely hard time letting go of my grief and anger and moving forward. I’m not quite ready to shout that on a public stage yet, but this has really helped to drag me kicking and screaming in the right direction.
    The red dress project is freaking amazing, reminds me of Traveling Pants, but better. It also reminds me that I was once bold enough to wear that dress and flaunt it with pride. I just wanted to add my sincere gratitude and thanks to you and all the others that posted here. I may be a bit bloody and bruised right now, but “the fight goes on” and I’ll wear my dress again as soon as I dust off and and clean up a bit.

  606. You do great things for all of us who read your blog, just by publishing it. Your stuff is a gift. I’m glad you get something in return. You deserve it.

  607. Not to be all “stuart smiley”….but you are wanted, needed and appreciated by people who have never met you. you speak for all of us who in this fishbowl called life that from outside look like our lives are PERFECT….speak out, lean on us and let us give to you because you have given us soooo much!!! As hollow as it may seem, you are not alone, we will all hold your hand, go get the ben & jerry’s (schweadyballs) and cry with you…..

  608. I struggled with cutting myself for years as a way to cope with the pain of depression. Once you let him back into your bed, and he IS seductive, it’s nearly impossible to get him out. I have seasonal depression, so I have to fight the urge to let depression move in every winter. Some years I win. Some years it wins. It always freaked my friends and family out that I would self-harm, but it was the most marvelous coping mechanism I have ever found for dealing with the immediacy of the pain when it gets bad. Thank you for speaking out about yours, my dear. I try to never keep my depression or my harm a secret, because I want everyone to know and see what the face of depression looks like. And I need them to support me when I can’t carry myself.
    But most of all, I want them to know that if it ever happens to them, there are others of us out there who are also struggling, have struggled, or will struggle with it, too. One of the worst things about depression is the feeling that you are alone, even when you are surrounded by love. Your post, I hope, will let others know that they are also surrounded by love, and just need to tap into it. It’s like standing around dying of thirst because you can’t find the water spigot in the dam right next to you, even though it’s RIGHT THERE.
    Thank you for sharing yourself, and for all the great things your blog is. You have my love and support in all your endeavors, as you wend your way through this world.

  609. Depression is a black black hole that at times seems impossible to pull yourself out of. It amazes me that a large % of people suffer from it, yet it still something most are afraid to discuss. After suffering a TBI I’m finally coming to the end of the tunnel. It has been a rough journey, but honestly I did some of my best writing in those darkest months. Hope your tunnel is coming to an end soon too.

  610. Pingback: Quicksand « BeLinda Cordes

  611. Jenny, you’re not alone.
    I’m recovering from a really really terrible depression crisis that lasted over an year. there were times I couldn’t breath, there were times I couldn’t sleep – thanks for rivotril, there were times I couldn’t even cry.
    do you know when I started to heal? when I read your post about your friend who had lost her husband and watched the “colony of losers” video.
    [it’s bringing tears to my eyes.]
    you’re not alone, never. we love you, we’re your colony of misfits, we’ll always be here for you. and victor, and hailey.

    I stand tall: I’m proud of who I am. I am a 23 old girl and I have survived depression. more than once.

    lots of love from Brazil
    Paula

  612. ps. you know, as someone who lives in the southern hemisphere: go to NYC and fuckin’ enjoy it!
    I’d cut my arm off for some snow, or maybe a break from this hellish heat.

  613. I once read this poem when coming back from a time like the one you are talking about, and it became one of the most important poems in my world.

    Love After Love, by Derek Walcott

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

  614. Bravo! I am so thankful that you posted about anxiety/depression/self-harm. About a year ago I was the 30-something wracked with such anxiety and depression that I cried when I woke up in the morning, had to have pep talks each day just to get off the floor and out of the fetal position, and felt like I had all of these “screams” built up inside me but no way to get them out. I am in such a better state now that I did intense work on it but damn, that was hard. The best thing I could have ever done but so scary at the same time. I applaud you for being so honest – I know that this is a tough road but there is an amazing promise of better times on the other side. You can do this!

  615. To Write Love on Her Arms…. TWLOHA.com
    Suicide awareness and prevention organization started by teens for teens who self-harm or are contemplating suicide… a worth cause and one that I and my teens support… because some of us survived and need to make sure others can too.

    T-shirts, hoodies and other TWLOHA items can be found at the website and at participating Zumiez and Hot Topic stores… check it out…
    this is a purely selfless endorsement… I just believe in the message they send… wish someone had been sending it out to me when I was 17.

  616. I commented the other day, but I wanted to tell you that you have given me the courage to tell those I love that I need help, that I am not superhuman, and I can’t do it on my own. You have shown me that even though it may be dim sometimes, there IS light at the end of this long tunnel.
    So thank you Jenny. You rock.

  617. Thank you for sharing. I, too, have struggled with depression and self-harm for years and have felt the weight of my own sadness and of the burden it has placed upon my family and friends. Your courage is inspiring, and I wish you peace and joy.

  619. I’ve been in the blackness myself, for a long, long time, till one day someone hurt me very badly, andI realized the difference between external pain caused by someone else and the hurt I had been carefully cooking and foisting on myself for twenty-five years. I so wanted to forgive the person who hurt me, because I didn’t want to carry all of that around (so tiring), and I did, and then suddenly I realized that no one was hurting me except me. And I let it go. I looked out into a clear blue sky and let it all go. I still get sad sometimes, but not like before, not drowning in the black.

    I hope you can let it all go too, someday. I hope you get to breathe again, extend that famous kindness to yourself. Even if you can’t right now, you are such a delight, and it’s so good to have you out there, doing what you do, just how you are.

  620. In honor, my next post shall be of a rather raw experience, that I cannot to this day deal with. That needs to be OFF my chest, I need your weightlessness! It might take me a while to get it ALL out. Stay tuned

    the current attached post is not IT

  621. Honey! Post whatever you want or need to post, and don’t worry about entertaining us! We love and support you exactly the way you are, whatever you want to say.

    (And it’s always entertaining. Trust me on this. We would read with great fascination if you simply posted your grocery list.)

  624. Because of your previous post, I asked for help. For the first time in years. Thanks. Keep fighting. xx

  626. Jenny:

    I wanted to say thank you for posting what you did. Sometimes, I genuinely do forget that I am not the only one in the world who feels this way. Its a very taboo subject amongst my family, and most of my friends don’t really know how to respond. You are inspired my great return to the blogosphere, where while my blog is mostly about media, I think I will tackle some deeper issues this year. Much love.

  627. I am glad you had the courage to share what you are going through with us. It does take great courage and strength to put this out there for all to see. It is a sad thing that people with depression need to hide in the closet about their condition. I can’t even begin to describe how angry I get whenever I hear people say “Oh just get over it already” to someone who is being slowly crushed by depression. A close friend in high school once said that I am the best person in the world with which to do nothing and for all of the friends I have who suffer from depression I try to use this ability to the utmost.

  628. I have been a reader/follower/fan since a friend discovered the Beyonce Files and knew how the whole scene would totally speak to me. I have never commented, but I read and laugh and relish every post. Your crazy is one of the things in this world that keeps me sane (as sane as I can be). But, your words in the last 2 posts were so powerful for me (and clearly so many others) that I needed to comment. Just know that there are as many (or more) of us out here who celebrate you quietly and my mantra for 2012 is clearly:

    “Still broken. Still stuck. Still fighting… back to sweetly-raunchy and unhinged, irreverent glory.”

    Amen sister. Big Virtual Hugs. Thank You.

  629. I figure you are receiving a ton of messages now and mine may get lost in the shuffle. Karen W. has always spoken highly of you. It takes courage to speak openly. Good for you. When you do it with no expectations, that is when it means the most.

  630. I’m a little late on the bandwagon, but I’m proud of you, too. And you make me laugh so hard my co-worker once thought I was choking.

  631. I went through a horrible bout of depression and anxiety last year, and wanted to share the name of a book that helped me tremendously. it is called “Hope and Help for your Nerves” by Claire Weeks. Although it couldn’t completely take away my anxiety (I had to wait for the right meds to kick in, and I’m grateful that they finally did) it did help me to learn how to deal with my anxiety while it was happening, and how not to fear the next “attack” quite so much. It’s an older book, but I keep a copy on my shelf at all times in case I ever get that anxious again, so that I can remind myself of how to deal with it and move through it into a place of comfort.

    Thank you for being honest, Jenny! We are all flawed, and all almost unfathomably beautiful.

  632. I don’t usually comment. Your first post has really stuck with me though. I’ve been in love with your blog for months now. I’ve spent quite a bit of time going back through the old posts and I’ve received so much joy from them. I love your style and you.

    Your concern for your awesome daughter struck me. My $0.02… When I was a little girl I watched my Mother go through several bouts of depression and what they used to call a nervous breakdown. Her world crashed and so did she. Then I watched her battle her way back. I don’t fault her for crashing. I think she’s the most wonderful woman ever. I admire her for clawing her way back. Her life didn’t get any easier but she got better anyway. When I had my own battles, those experiences gave me hope. I wouldn’t recommend this parenting approach to everyone but the battles she fought made me stronger too. In some ways, they made me better. Life is weird that way. Best wishes!

    jen

  633. I don’t love that you have depression. I DO love that you blogged about it though. You’re right…there aren’t any “walks” for depression and we don’t have any cute mascots. There’s never been a 5k or a telethon that I can think of. Yet, it is sometimes utterly debilitating and there are times that it takes everything you have just to get through another day.

    I hope this was as therapeutic for you writing the post as it was for us reading it.

  634. Wow, Jenny. Your words are so powerful and have so much meaning to you and to others who read them and feel the same pain that you do. I have been there and you describe it so well. You have the tools and a HUGE support group. Keep working through it Jenny. You can do it. The post with the tightrope walker spoke to me in so many ways that I even printed out the picture to show my therapist. She loved it too. It’s wonderful you are brave enough to share your thoughts, fears and pain. You know it gives others hope and my hope for you is that you find inner peace. It’s there. Sometimes we just have to clean out the junk before we find it.

  635. Jenny- this post and your last made me cry. I’m not sure if they’re tears of joy or tears of shame. Probably both- with a little fear mixed in. What you have written so succinctly captures what I go through over and over again. It feels so amazing to know that there are others out there fighting the same fight. It also feels so lonely to know that so many of us fight it alone. The rapture I feel when coming out of each battle is so fleeting because I have no one to share it with, and I am ashamed that I had to fight it in the first place. To see you have the courage to admit your struggles to the world saddens me, because I don’t have that courage yet. But it also makes me hopeful, because maybe one day I will.

  636. Love, love love. All you need is LOVE and we all share the love here. I battle depression on a regular. Now I can come back here and not feel so alone.

  637. We love you lady 🙂 trust that. That photograph is haunting and disturbing and hypnotizing. It’s sticking with me…

  639. Thank you for this. I’m in the midst of a depressive episode that I’m trying to dig my way out of. Just glad to know I’m not alone. Thanks Jenny

  640. Wow – I hadn’t stopped by in a few days, so I didn’t see the last post until I read the first part of this one and then scrolled down. I know that you’ve mentioned your struggles with anxiety before, but this post hit new levels of bravery and poignancy for me.

    You’re right, so many of us suffer in the dark and in shame because the world tells us that we should “just get over it” or to “count our blessings”. God, if only we could during the bad times. I just came out of a horrible period of depression, where I actually was suicidal for awhile – and it’s so helpful to know that there are others out there in the same boat and that it will end someday. Fortunately, having been here before, I could convince myself that it would get better eventually – just enough to keep from doing anything undoable.

    Thank you so much for speaking out for all of us.

  641. I am a depression survivor. No one should have to suffer in the dark alone. It was when I was in college (almost 10 years ago now) that I started telling friends about it and being more open about the struggles that went on inside my own mind. Not many supported me then, but all of the friends I have now (including my husband) support me and love me – flaws and all. Thank you for this post. You are so right: Depression lies to us and we can’t listen to it.

  642. It’s amazing how liberating it is to reach out and give a piece of yourself, of truth, and have it come back to you. I’m very blessed that one of my new housemates suffers from bipolar… it means the world to know that you’re understood, and not alone. I’ve had depression and anxiety for 10 years to the point that it’s very physically debilitating, and yes, there have been times I’ve turned to self-harm to drown out the emotional pain with a different kind of pain. It’s not pretty, and it’s not good, but the fact that we are trying to live and get through it is what makes us strong. Even though we don’t feel strong at the time, we are incredibly strong for it, and inside, as we fight, we’re becoming more life-affirming and more beautiful, in spite of it all. When I think of the ‘sane’ people I know, who don’t get me at all…. I sort of think that in the end, it’s better to be crazy. To know the lows, is to appreciate the highs, and to experience life more deeply. It’s the difference between soldiers home from war, and civilians. Crazy is beautiful…. and maybe crazy deserves to be honored.

  643. I don’t know if you are still reading comments (I think you are in NY!), but thank you so much for your honesty. I can’t pretend to know what you personally deal with on a continual basis, but I have a beautiful, complicated 10 year old daughter who likely does. She has suffered with severe anxiety/OCD since about the age of 6. Sometimes the pain and frustration of dealing with this on a continual basis is more than she can take and she has on occasion resorted to very mild self harm. It worries me now. It worries me for her future. If I could take the entirety of this off her shoulders and place it on mine, I would in an instant. The worst part is she feels ashamed and alone in this. A rather large part of me wants to show her your past two entries so she doesn’t feel like she is the only one in the world with this struggle. (Totally worth explaining Copernicus and James Garfield.) I am mulling it over. In the meantime, I just wanted you to know that your openness and honesty have had an impact on this little family of mine. Thank you, Jenny. Many, many thanks.

  644. I really need something to look forward to – and an excuse to wear a gorgeous red dress! Suppose we come up with a Silver Ribbons Garden Party Gala Ball event where we can all wear over-the-top red dresses with silver ribbons (or any color over-the-top dresses?) Then we could model and auction the dresses off to one another with all the generated money going to a good cause, like say, a suicide prevention hotline. Maybe we need to pose for individual photo shoots barefoot in the sun. Seriously, I would gladly host something like this on my rural central PA 12-acre farmette. Y’all could wander around the gardens and woods with the chickens and the kitties, sipping cocktails and playing croquet. By the time we’d get it organized, there might even be llamas.

  645. This year, I’ll turn 40. I don’t remember much of my childhood as I come from a…rough… background. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had depression lurking in the wings. Assemblage 23 did a song called “Cocoon” which covers things pretty well I thought.

    I’ve always been poor so therapy and drugs weren’t really an option for me; I didn’t even get health insurance until I was married and my wife put me on her policy.

    As I’ve gotten older, the bouts have become more frequent and deeper; they last longer and it’s been hard on my wife. This time last year I went into one and didn’t come out for 5 months. Up until now, I’ve just… dealt with it… as best as I could. I’ve had my struggle with alcohol, and flirted with other things, including self-harm; for me it was partially to see if I felt _anything_ given how dead and disconnected I felt otherwise.

    I went into the doctor [I live in New Zealand now, but I only moved here from the U.S. 3 years ago] and she immediately perscribed me anti-depressants. It took a bit for them to kick in, but since they have it’s been… well, hard to describe to anyone unless they’ve battled depression themselves.

    Besides the stigma attached to depression [still present even if it’s not as severe as it used to be] and the misunderstanding a lot of people have [“Can’t you just do something that makes you feel happier?”], one of the things that I struggled with was the question, “What will the medication do to me?” I mean… this darkness has lurked around me ever since I can remember. I warned my wife when we first started dating, “I’ve got this… thing… that sometimes means I’m gonna withdraw. It’s nothing personal, but it happens. I’ll want nothing to do with you or anyone for a while. If that’s going to be a problem, you should walk away now; my overall feelings for you won’t change, I just won’t be…connected… to you for a while sometimes.” I was 18 and didn’t even know what to call what I carried around in me.

    So, “what happens if the meds work?” is a valid and scary question. I wasn’t just messing around with a part of my brain, I was messing with something that’s shaped my personality in a fundamental fashion.

    The answer has been, “Not much” and “Everything”. It’s not much in that… I’m still me. My wife has reassured me on that front. I still feel and react and like, dislike, love, and lust. The everything is…well, everything. I don’t go to sleep wondering if I’m going to wake up “on the other side” as I always thought of it. I can take bad news without it sending me into a downward spiral. And I can cope with bad things happening in a way I couldn’t before; the day before yesterday, I had to make the decision to put my cat to sleep. She was only 7.5 years old. She’d developed cancer and we only found out about it a week ago when the vet found a lump as part of her yearly exam. While she was under, we were given the options. Her time left was measured in days, maybe a week. So we did the right thing for her, even though it was hard for us, and she slipped away. The vet said she didn’t appear to be in any pain, but that’s a somewhat hollow comfort.

    But I’ve been able to grieve for the loss of my friend without it going dark.

    Depression isn’t a particularly sexy problem. You don’t just get to defeat it and walk away and it’s all good afterwards. It has a toll on the people that experience it, as well as those that love them. And tose of us that suffer from it do stay silent because of the fear of judgement. I don’t want to feel sad about something or be upset about something and have it casually dismissed as “well, he suffers from depression, so…”

    It hard to be out and public about this sort of thing. I’m glad that you have had positive support and reinforcement and thank you for taking the risk of laying it out there for so many more people to see than the few readers that many of us have.

    Since we all know what hugs are, I’ll instead offer you positive thoughts and be another voice in the crowd of support; and also know too that my voice isn’t only in support of you, but every one of us that deals with this, whether we share it publically or hide it in fear. We and you aren’t alone in our experiencing this.

  646. Jenny, I am in awe of your rawness. Truly. I have a very long background in depression, but why I’m commenting is to tell you I found freedom in honesty with two people. I shared a secret that only rolled around in my head at night, I would drop my head in shame at myself. I decided to let go and let God and I blurted it out to person #1, totally could’ve crushed me and didn’t, the compassion gave me strength, and since then, I feel freedom in my own heart, my own mind and I’m stronger than before that moment. I told another person, and I felt the same thing! 2012 is going to be a better year… 2011 was facing so much hurt in our lives and now it’s time to grow from it. I will be 38 soon and I feel 18 with 20 years of experience. Thank you for your heart, your humor, your hurts and your humbleness.

  647. Jenny,

    You are a hero to so many. Never stop being you. And never be ashamed of your weaknesses. We all have to deal with demons. The strength is recognizing yours and knowing how to get help with them, instead of remaining in the dark all by yourself. The thousands of comments responding to your admission and pain shows how powerful you are and how loved. Also, how many out there have the same demons they are fighting currently. I will admit that I was so touched by your words that I cried. Your bravery and compassion is remarkable and moving. Bravo to you.

    Your friend,

    Misty

  648. Keep fighting, and keep speaking the truth, sister. THANK YOU for coming out of the closet. Seriously. Too many of us go undiagnosed, untreated, unsupported, misunderstood, mislabeled, invalidated, unheard…. Speaking the truth and coming out of the darkness saves lives. You are saving lives, lady. And you are my hero.

  649. You are such a strong woman. Although I haven’t cut in 2 years, I still find myself thinking of it at times. Your post has gotten the wheels turning in my mind for a project I’ve wanted to do for a while, and I’ve finally gotten the ball rolling to raise awareness for this battle we fight seemingly alone. It’s like looking up and seeing that we’re an army fighting this together, when I’ve had my head down this whole time thinking I was alone. Thank you.

  650. I know this comment will get lost in the fray, but you are lovely. Year after year I come back for your intoxicating blend of irreverence and honesty. No blogger has ever touhed me deeper. In a non dirty way of course. 😉

  651. I was so messed up eight or nine years ago that I crawled into a Scotch bottle all day, and then climbed into a semi loaded with 7500 gallons of gasoline that evening and drove to a delivery a hundred miles away. The clerk at the gas station smelled me and called the nice cops who put me to bed for the night. I was really ready to die, and I didn’t care about anything. I’m different now. I care. And I take care of myself.

    One thing that made me suicidal was a surging passion for SOMEthing I couldn’t find. I haven’t found IT, yet, but that’s not the point. The point of life is to be surprised by whatever you find. At least for me it is.

  652. I have been so depressed lately myself. I feel stuck and I keep just putting one foot in front of the other. I love you no matter what and I understand. I also understand not speaking out about it. You have courage to talk about it and I respect you for that. I had a problem with a man awhile ago who I had to take to task about sexual harassment. He basically accused me of being mentally unstable to discredit me. It felt so shitty. I just don’t talk much about it outside of the family. Hang in there. One step at a time.

  653. Hi Jenny,

    You have no idea who I am because I have never commented before, but I just want to let you know that I love you (in a totally non-creepy way) (unless that is what you like). But your posts have helped me through some tough times.

    Thanks.

    That’s all I had to say.

  654. It really is tough dealing with depression, Jen. Inflicting self-harm seems to be an escape used by many sufferers in order to escape the mental pain being felt. Being a writer for many years now, I have come across several literature concerning how important a solid support system is for many sufferers. It is important that you have one who you can count on during times like this.

  657. Thank you. Thank you for so eloquently saying what so many of us struggle with on a daily basis. When you’re in the midst of depression sometimes each minute ticks by so slowly it feels like an eternity in hell. I too struggle with depression and self harm. You make me laugh so often but it’s how real and honest you are that touches my core. Thank you.

  658. Beautifully written words! You have such a gentle strength! Thank-you for sharing <3

  660. Thank you so much for who you are and that you are willing to share that with us. You have brought many laughs to my life in a dark time for me. And now you have shown me that my brokeness, although my own, is not unique. It is okay to be broken and I am not alone and need not fear. Thanks for being a bright light.

  661. Well Spoken. I am a survivor myself. I have had to literally scrape myself off the kitchen floor on some days…because I was afraid to move. I wanted Earth to stay still for just one moment because I just couldn’t keep up. I wish you support.

    Remember Atlas holds the world on his back so we don’t have to.

    RebeccaLK <3
    http://www.RebeccaLK.com The Clumsy Mumsy In Stilettos

  662. bravo!

    i can’t say i’ve experienced a long-term depression in the same way. when things get really bad hormonally, i am a bit suicidal. but it never seems to take over my life and incapacitate me. i have a great husband who does his level best to talk me down. happily, since i went back on the pill things are much more leveled out for me.

    instead, i am living with a grief that does not end. i have mourned the loss of my child for almost nine years. he was born still 10 days past his due date. it is not all-consuming anymore, but it doesn’t ever really leave my side. i don’t think it ever will.

    stillbirth is another one of those topics that is shameful and buried and hidden away. i am not supposed to miss a person i never “really” knew. i am supposed to get over it and get on with life. instead, i have become “that one.” that lady who cries at nothing. that lady who talks about her dead child. “oh, her? yeah, so sad what happened. i know i’m sick of hearing about it, too. oh god, did she mention it again?” at least that is how it feels at times. unfortunately for them, i won’t stop talking about it. awareness of the possibility could change so much. i’ll be “that one” if it means someone will pay attention and not let it happen to their child. and talking about what happened and the unending grief that comes afterwards normalizes it for others. more than one person has said “thank you” for talking about my son. my words made it ok for them to talk about their loss. i won’t stop because i’ve been there, in that isolated place, and i don’t want anyone else to feel that.

    we can be “that one” together. i wish there were more of us. so bravo for speaking it and for making someone else feel less alone. and bravo for coming around to the sunlight again.

  663. Thank you for noting that the responses to your original (amazing) post was as powerful as the words that inspired them. I was blown away by your original post but paused before scrolling down to read the comments because I wasn’t sure if I would want to read the trite platitudes that I thought would invariably follow. Instead, I read comment after comment from other readers who felt unburdened as I felt and who were suffering (and surviving) struggles similar to mine. I’m waiting for the right time to ask my fiance to read the post (and the comments) because I know that he struggles to understand how it feels for me when I’m in the throes of depression (and self-harm) and feels like he’s helpless and has to stand on the sidelines while I disappear into myself.

    On a separate, but related note – thank you also for not selling silver ribbons. I mean, it’s a weird thing to say, but I feel like you pointing out that it’s something that everybody can make for themselves actually re-gifts us the power to take control of our lives. AAAAND, it sets you apart from so many other people in the world who try to make a buck off of other people’s struggles – i.e. just shows how awesome you are… again. 😀

  664. I’m not a fellow blogger, but I am an avid reader… and you have to know girl.. we got your back.

  665. I started to read your blog because of your sense of humour, but now I read it more because of the way you give of yourself. Thank you for you honesty!

  666. Just wanted to drop you a line to say thank you. Even those of us who don’t suffer from crippling depression (I have my own neuroses that attempt to control my life) benefit from a post like that. I think we all know someone, be they an acquaintance or a close friend…or someone to whom we tried to be a friend, and a post like that helps us all understand a little bit better. It also helps those of us with our own demons. If you can do it, we can do it, whatever the battle.

    We don’t want to hear from you just when you are funny. You aren’t our own personal little clown. Your fans have become your friends and like a friend, we want to know all about you. (Just because you don’t know most of us and the whole thing sounds more than just a little stalkery means nothing.) We adore you. Not a persona or a facade. The whole you.

    Take care of yourself. Stay strong. Know that we care.

  667. I had to wait a couple hours before I could comment, because I needed to wait until I could comment without crying. You. Are. So. Brave.

    I am not personally a depression survivor, but I am the sister of one. And the daughter of one. The cousin of three. The granddaughter, great granddaughter, and great-great granddaughter of survivors. The friend of many. And, most sadly, the great niece, cousin, and niece of three who simply couldn’t keep fighting. Depression is a very real disease. It kills, it taunts, it hurts, and, as you so beautifully pointed out, it IS A LYING BASTARD.

    Thank you, thank you for being brave enough to shine a light on something so many people struggle with in shame and secret.

  668. Likely redundant at this point dear Jenny, however, ~ you rock. Whenever I feel the crushing weight of it all, I run to log on and read your posts and remind myself that you and all the other lovely people who read you are out there and it makes it all bearable. Keep on lady. Keep on.

  669. I applaud your courage and am so grateful you found strength and support from your followers

  671. Hi Jenny,
    I’ve never posted a comment before but I am an avid reader of anything you write.
    I was in a similar dark place as you are now for years. I was deep in the void of depression and anxiety almost took me out of the game (permanently) on more than one occasion.
    I. like you wanted to stop before my son could see the evidence of my self-harm. I was in therapy, but it felt like it wasn’t going to get me un-stuck in time to enjoy my life.
    You are brilliantly funny and insightful and pretty much a creative genius. You are gutsy and so, so smart. I look forward to new post days like kids look forward to Christmas.
    I felt compelled to write all of this because I have a friend who is brilliant with helping people get to the underlying reasons that anxiety and depression exist. She might even have some insights on your arthritis.
    I would love to see you conquer all of those demons that overwhelm your life right now. Maybe she can help, maybe not. Please look at her website http://www.terrilandey.com and see if anything resonates with you.
    We all want you here, and we all want you to be happy, for you.
    Thank you for reading my comment, if my friend doesn’t resonate with you, I hope that you find the peace you are looking for somewhere.

    -Zia Sophia

  672. The world needs more of the quiet, fierce bravery that you personify. Standing O.

    Keep fighting.

  674. I am so relieved to find this blog – I can’t tell you how freeing it feels to read that I don’t suffer with this alone (depression/anxiety/self-hate/self-harm). Thank you for your bravery and honesty about this subject, it’s a hard secret to live with and an even harder one for outsiders to understand. Bless you!

  675. I read yesterday’s post and today’s and am standing in my living room giving you a round of applause. You speak for so many (including me). Stay strong!

  676. thank you. for everything in this post and the last. i used to speak up about my depression (sever PPD which is def not talked about followed by a diagnosis of S.A.D) but i gave up because i was being attacked and judged by people who’ve never been through it. its nice to see more people talk openly about it.

  677. Not only are you very funny and wonderfully irreverent, you are amazingly brave and hopeful!

  679. I am a loyal follower of your Blog and I read it for many reasons, beside that part where i wonder what the hell you will come up with next. Today I am writing you to share that I too suffer from Depression and have since I was very young. I am also practice self-multilation and I have on and off for years. I hold a respectable job and face people every day who do not have a clue what I do in the privacy of my own home. I am ashamed, because life has not been all that bad to me, not since I as a child, but I can’t see to push the dark curtain aside always.

    I am sorry that you suffer from depression too, but I am happy that you share that you do because it helps the curtains to seperate for a lot of people that just don’t understand it. Thanks for being you Jenny with all your different levels. You rock the universe.

  680. You can’t possibly know how many people you are helping. I have forwarded your post to a friend who is suffering from bi-polar disease, my daughter who is struggling mightily with postpartum depression, and with my fb friends. You have indeed created community here, and understanding, and if everyone who has every suffered mental illness could ‘come out’ of their closet, perhaps life would be better for us all!! I affected, sometimes greatly, by anxiety disorder, panic attacks and depression. Ugh. I’ve posted about it on my blog and I believe that it is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than getting a cold is to be ashamed of. Mental illness is NOT moral failure. Let’s continue to spread the word and shed the light on mental illness! Thank you so much.

  682. I have a physical disability that no one can see – cyclic vomiting syndrome. And since I only go out in public when I am well enough to do so, many of my friends and acquaintances don’t know. Even those who do rarely realize how bad it gets. On the days I sit home alone miserably ill I get very depressed. Your post came just as I was starting to pull out of a nasty slump. And I realized, if you can be brave enough to post about this, then I can too. I put a link to your post on my facebook homepage, and shared this comment about it with everyone I know:

    “While my health issues differ, I completely understand how difficult it is to share what I go through with others. People stop calling after awhile because I have to cancel half the time. Bless those of you who text and email regularly so that when I am being eaten alive by nausea and migraines I can hold off the depression that being disabled can cause. ”

    I was stunned by how many comments and messages I received. THANK YOU for being the impetus for this healing moment!!

  683. I self-harmed as a teen. I wear my scars on show to remind me that although it can get bad, I can keep myself out of that dark place. I show my scars to let other people know that, even if they can’t show theirs, I understand.

  684. I think I love you dearly. Yea I know that’s weird because I don’t know you personally but I think I know you at least a little bit. I’ve dealt with random mild bouts of depression over the last decade and I using push through just fine but it’s still shitty. I think as women our fucking hormones try to fuck with us just for amusement. Sometimes I enjoy being a little bat shit crazy but it’s not all sarcastic comments, strange looks, and personal giggles. Thank you for being a little fucked up, for being make me laugh so hard my husband threatened to commit me, and most of all fir having the balls to be honest. Thanks for your gigantic balls.

    A forever fan
    Maranda

  685. Fuck you auto correct! I swear I wasn’t drunk (just tipsy) while writing my previous post!

  686. everything you write is so wonderful and funny. these last few posts have been magical to me. it’s a rare thing to feel like someone really “gets” you. and you do. somehow you get me. you get us. and for that, i am extraordinarily grateful.
    it’s not just your posts that are magical. it seems ms bloggess, that you are magical too.

  687. I couldn’t possibly add anything that others haven’t already covered, so I just wanted to say thank you. I’m crying right now reading what you wrote, because I believe one of the most important causes in this world of competing sorrows is to remove the stigma attached to depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders. So that the people struggling with these issues can feel safe enough to get the help they need.

    And what you’ve done here takes a huge step in that direction. So…thank you.

  688. Jenny,
    Yours is the only blog I’ve ever read. You make me laugh. I sometimes wish I was you so that I could express myself so well!
    Not only that…..you write one hell of a thank-you note!
    Keep on truckin!

  689. I was once told, “We are only as sick as our secrets”. In truth, the telling of those things about ourselves, which we have somehow been trained to hide, is really the first step to actually healing. Why? Because we bring it into the light, where it can be seen. If we do this in a venue that we feel relatively safe in, the response is usually one of support, compassion, understanding and lo and behold ! We discover that others have suffered the same. Sometimes worse than us. In my younger days, when I began to heal, was when I began to share. Its terrifying when we start. But then, the words got easier to say. My fears got softer and fewer. And then I began to share in order to open the way for those around me to share their stories. This phase was not about me and my story, but a way of “walking the trail so others could see the trail”. I am of the most humblest of opinions, that it is in the sharing of that which we think we must hide, that we commit and begin to heal that which is troubling us. Your courage in sharing, is nothing less than the courage to heal. Bravo ! (standing on chair and clapping)

  690. Jenny,

    You are an amazing, brave woman! I have a very good friend who self harms, and she has shared that with me, only after being very close for over a year. I have another friend who used to self harm, and bears the scars on her upper arms, however, after lots of support and unconditional love from friends and family she is finally able to wear short sleeved shirts.

    I am so proud of you for being able to share your story. You truly are my hero, and become more so all the time!!!

  692. I love your “sweetly-raunchy and unhinged, irreverent glory” but I also read your blog because of your honesty. I will be making my own silver ribbon and I will wear it proudly. My 15-year old daughter also self-harms and suffers from severe depression. She is my hero. She managed to hide it from us for 2 years until she realized that she was reaching the end of her rope. She found the courage to go to her school counselor and then tell her dad and I. She was so scared that we would be disappointed in her and was relieved when we told her that we love her no matter what. I cannot imagine the pain and misery she lived with. SHE IS MY HERO. No matter how I feel at any point during the day, I think of my beautiful, brave, funny, brilliant daughter and my day instantly becomes better. I cannot imagine a world without her in it. Thank you for sharing.

  693. I love you even more now. And I didn’t think that was possible. YOU ROCK.

  694. Jenny,

    {By way of background I had no idea who you were until last October when Scalzi linked to you — I take this as a sign of the GREAT FAILURE of the Internets to not have made me aware of your awesomeness}

    I literally cannot imagine the courage it took to post that. You are truly an inspiration, even to those of us who don’t suffer from depression or self-harm. Just to let you know, this posting jogged my memory and I went back into my backlog of links to visit — which included yours from a couple of weeks ago, and I was about to get rid of — it was the holidays, let’s just move on!

    But. Because of this post (well, the one before it really, but RSS is unforgiving) I gave $200 to Night Night and $200 to someone on Wish Upon a Hero (the name still creeps me out, but that’s my problem).

    You did that.

  695. Thank you.

    I understand how hard it is to even bring it up. Or perhaps I don’t fully; but I am inspired by your openness. I can barely bring myself to tell people that it’s a counselor I’m going to see for depression/stress/anxiety when I have “meetings,” or that I was diagnosed with AD/HD, which seem so mild but it’s so freaking hard to admit that anything different is going on in my head.

  696. Jenny~ You make so many people smile & laugh & lift their spirits. Those smiles & laughs have to come back to you. You are amazing. Thank you sooo much for your writing. Sending love & best best wishes to you.

  697. Wow. So glad I found your blog. I admire your bravery and send you love, love, love. You are amazing.

  698. The mind is a complicated organ. Our thoughts can vary which each day of events. We all have issues and need to try to be remain positive about life. It’s easier said than done. It helps a great deal to let go and not dwell on the negative. Worry accomplishes nothing . Life is short , smile more change your thought process it’s your mind . Being able to wake up and see the next day is a blessing. Sometimes we feel helpless and lost and believe there is no escape . Let it go nothing is hopeless. Be a warrior of faithe and that today is a great day. The past is gone and tomorrow isn’t here yet. Live for Today and make it a great day.

  699. I don’t comment often, although I read all the time. The posts of the past couple of days touched me more than I can find the words to tell you. I, like many, many others, suffer with depression. I am one of the lucky ones – I have a terrific support system, great doctors and a husband who gets it. But reading your posts the last 2 days really brought it all home for me. We are not alone. And if telling my story will help anyone, then I would gladly shout it from the mountain tops. No one should ever feel like they are all alone, unfixable, or so desperately sad that they feel that suicide is the only option. I will fully admit that I had tears pouring down my face as I read your posts, and that my husband, who after making sure that I wasn’t having a breakdown, quietly went back to what he was doing because he knew I was okay.
    You are not abnormal, nor should people back away from you because you shared what must be one of your hardest things ever to share with anyone, let alone the entire internet. You deserve a freaking medal because if nothing else, you opened up a dialog amongst us.
    Thank you Jenny, for being exactly who you are.

  700. I don’t comment often, although I read all the time. The posts of the past couple of days touched me more than I can find the words to tell you. I, like many, many others, suffer with depression. I am one of the lucky ones – I have a terrific support system, great doctors and a husband who gets it. But reading your posts the last 2 days really brought it all home for me. We are not alone. And if telling my story will help anyone, then I would gladly shout it from the mountain tops. No one should ever feel like they are all alone, unfixable, or so desperately sad that they feel that suicide is the only option. I will fully admit that I had tears pouring down my face as I read your posts, and that my husband, who after making sure that I wasn’t having a breakdown, quietly went back to what he was doing because he knew I was okay.
    You are not abnormal, nor should people back away from you because you shared what must be one of your hardest things ever to share with anyone, let alone the entire internet. You deserve a freaking medal because if nothing else, you opened up a dialog amongst us.
    Thank you Jenny, for being exactly who you are.

  701. I don’t comment often, although I read all the time. The posts of the past couple of days touched me more than I can find the words to tell you. I, like many, many others, suffer with depression. I am one of the lucky ones – I have a terrific support system, great doctors and a husband who gets it. But reading your posts the last 2 days really brought it all home for me. We are not alone. And if telling my story will help anyone, then I would gladly shout it from the mountain tops. No one should ever feel like they are all alone, unfixable, or so desperately sad that they feel that suicide is the only option. I will fully admit that I had tears pouring down my face as I read your posts, and that my husband, who after making sure that I wasn’t having a breakdown, quietly went back to what he was doing because he knew I was okay.
    You are not abnormal, nor should people back away from you because you shared what must be one of your hardest things ever to share with anyone, let alone the entire internet. You deserve a freaking medal because if nothing else, you opened up a dialog amongst us.
    Thank you Jenny, for being exactly who you are.

  702. Dear Bloggess,
    I follow occasionally, and add my lauds at your courage to share with the world your most difficult battles. I wanted to mention (although maybe others have too. I didn’t read 2300 responses) that there are new treatments that are proving effective for people for whom traditional therapy and medications haven’t been fully effective. It’s called transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). It is non-invasive and uses the power of magnetic fields to activate certain parts of the brain. It is FDA approved, although I don’t know of any insurance that covers it yet. There are many promising research studies applying this technology, and many people have found it helpful who have not yet found effective treatments. You might look into this, whether it may be available in your area (usually major medical centers for research). Best of luck to you. You are indeed a survivor, of every day.
    ~J

  703. While on Pinterest today, I came across an article you had written about the elf on the shelf. It was so funny & I really enjoyed your writing style, so I clicked on your blog. I am so glad I did. Thank you for writing this, and for helping those that suffer from the same issues! I myself have battled depression (mostly on my own) for a while, and it can be a struggle every day. I admire you for your courage to talk about your problems! I agree that we need to talk about depression and not make it something that we need to hide. You are an inspiration!

  704. I love that you can show your softer side now and again. I know how it is to have to fall hard. it is important to have love. when you show the softer side i feel like we get to know the real you.

  705. Wow indeed. Ten years ago my wife lost her ten year battle with depression, and suicided. You can imagine the effect that had on our daughters. My wife’s sister did the same about five years later. We need as a society to talk more about depression, and not marginalise it. My daughter self harmed – my other daughter was suicidal after her mum died. And this is the thing – only afterwards my accountant and my insurance guy both told me about their struggles with depression, which I had no idea about, they always seemed so chirpy – because suddenly it was ‘safe’ to talk to me. Depression is like a silent epidemic everyone is too ashamed to discuss. You are so brave for writing this – and so right. You rock. (***standing ovation ***)

  706. How’s that quote go…. “I do not cry because I am weak. I cry because I have been strong too long.”

    It’s ok to cry and scream and blow it out. Strength comes sometimes from places you don’t expect.

    Also, this poem by Galway Kinnell:

    HOW MANY NIGHTS
    How many nights
    have I lain in terror,
    O Creator Spirit, maker of night and day,
    only to walk out
    the next morning over the frozen world,
    hearing under the creaking snow
    faint, peaceful breaths…
    snake,
    bear, earthworm, ant…

    and above me
    a wild crow crying “yaw yaw yaw”
    from a branch nothing cried from ever in my life.

  707. This does seem to be a very taboo issue even though it’s running rampant. I work in a mental health facility and it is mind-blowing the number of adults and kids who come through with these troubles. The only way to cure the taboo is to talk about it and YOU DID. That’s the biggest step anyone can take in helping others who suffer. As a teen, I didn’t feel I could talk about it, even though it dominated everything I thought, said, or did on a regular basis. It took some time but now I’m able to open up about it. Well, well, well done.

  708. I want to thank you for sharing your “secret life” and for opening up a dialog about “different kinds of crazy”. I have a type of psychiatric condition that NOBODY wants to talk about. It is the “craziest of the crazy” and a disorder that some people don’t even believe is real. I didn’t believe it was real and I certainly didn’t believe that repressed memories were real, until I was caught on tape “being” someone else and my husband confronted me with it. I have DID – Dissocciative Identity Disorder (used to be multiple personality disorder). Once you understand it, it is easy to see how it happens. Little kids have a very flexible sense of self and their coping strategies are limited. I was a very imaginative girl who needed an escape from abuse. We all feel we have different “parts” to ourselves, mine just have their own identities and names. It is scary to admit this, I have VERY rarely told anyone, and have been misdiagnosed for decades as to what was wrong with me. I have lost the very few friends in my life who I have even told what was wrong with me. I simply don’t tell anyone. I fear what people would think if they knew. My family all pretty much pretends it doesn’t happen and doesn’t talk about it. I try at all costs to avoid triggers of it. But, here, in front of hundreds of people I’m admitting my problem and it feels pretty good, even if it is Anonymous. Thank you.

  709. This is so beautiful. I am so glad that you are so open and using this medium to change people’s lives, and that your readers are too. Know that you are so appreciated.

  710. Jenny, you are one amazing woman. I got addicted to your blog because it’s so funny, but this is different — this is important in ways I can’t begin to describe.
    I don’t know when I last read something so bravely posted. Thank you for sharing this, and please know that I wish you every strength and happiness in life.

  711. Dear Bloggess,

    Thank you so much for sharing your last few posts…just wanted to let you know you have my support and admiration for your courage and your help with such a tough issue. I cant tell you how many times we have read your blog aloud to friends, shared it, and just laughed retelling your stories-you have brightened our life with your humor and your honesty! All of the best, and love from afar!

  712. by posting your truth, you have roared over the whispers that your conditions use to trick you. depression is a bitch and self harm is her fothermucking c*nt cousin. you may not yet realize how much you have progressed your healing by owning them like the punks that they are.

    jenny, you truly have a gift with your words. you must continue the battle so that your light can continue to shine…for yourself, for your daughter, and for women everywhere. congratulations for winning this round. you are stronger than you realize and i wish you godspeed in recoginizing that strength within yourself.

    rock on, sista. rock on.

  713. I have never (and I truly mean never) responded to a blog of any kind. I am an exlawyer, now Presbyterian Minister, hospital chaplain and teacher. You inspire me. You make me laugh. You make me cry. Your candid brave and moving blogs serve the world in ways most people can’t imagine. Thank you. You are cared for and respected by so many. I, also, am in your corner. I am sorry that you have to walk the road you have been given and when it turns dark, I hope you are able to hold a glimmer, a remnant of something that reminds you of your goodness–and how many people care for you.

  714. I’m still reeling after reading both of these posts…. reeling and sending links out to other people I know like myself who live with depression. I use the word “live” loosely. You posted Regina Spektor’s song “The Call” as one of your battle cries… loved that! For some reason, when I’m in the throes of depression, this song is what goes through my mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVrwcG3PV1w — It’s Vega4 “Life is Beautiful”

    Thank you again Jenny. You’re my hero right now. ~ Dawnee

  715. Thank you, thank you for this. I deal with depression, one that put me in bed for over 100 days… I document my journey out to prove it can be done. But I love that you are courageous to speak to such a big audience about your own depression. When the shame is lifted, so many more people can be helped 🙂

  716. I’m going back to school next week, and I think my tote bag needs a silver ribbon.

    Thank you again for speaking out and pushing the first domino.

  717. You are a glorious example of wonder ladyface. Your honesty is so inspiring and I am so enjoying reading your back catalogue. I have laughed several times out loud, to the point of my sides hurting and being unable to breathe. You my love are a bundle of gorgeous inspiration. Thank you…THANK YOU

  718. You are brave and wonderful and one of the funniest writers ever. I just ordered your book for our library so that more people can read your delightful words.

  719. Everything that you write is so REAL and touching…your post on depressing probably meant more to US than our comments did to you. We all know that other people suffer from depression, but we never SEE it. You let us SEE it and that makes people who are suffering feel a little less alone.

  720. I work as a Counselor and the biggest battle I face with the people I work with is the silence. The Stigma. The Fear.
    Be proud. Know that by speaking, you are helping other people.
    Peace and love to you.
    Warmly,
    Tina

  721. Thinking about your posts again this morning, and it occurred to me that nearly everyone with depression engages in self-harm. It’s just that some forms of self-harm are more physically dangerous than others, more immediate in their impact, more easily identifiable, and yet much harder to stop doing. Some self-harm by self-isolating. Some do it by overeating or not eating. Some do it by smoking or taking drugs or otherwise self-medicating. In that context, the stigma around cutting as self-harm seems even more ludicrous, as almost all of us with depression engage in self-harm. Cutting is the form that demands the most immediate action, as it should be, but know that in your particular form of self-harm, you are most certainly *not alone*. And in self-harming, you’re in a massive crowd who engages in a broad range of these behaviors. We all hurt. We all hurt ourselves. But we’re healing, so many of us, and you are the catalyst for much of that change.

    You have much to be proud of. I know I am proud of you. Much love to you for your bold honesty. #silverribbons

  722. yesterday, as i was getting ready for work, i found a bit of toothpaste in my hair. didn’t have time to wash it out. figured using my hands to remove it would probably just make it worse. so i went to my father’s office for a pair of scissors.

    i’ve been messing with a pretty nasty bout of depression myself. it’s a long one, the kind that lingers with the occasional surge.

    as i was walking back to the bathroom to snip the bit of blue gunk off, i imagined ramming those scissors in my gut. that’s the sort of surge i’m talking about. i was tired. i wasn’t happy that i’d woken up again to this pitiful life of mine. but i’m not the sort of girl to inflict physical pain on myself. unless you count the occasional banging the head against a wall or the self-slap in the face. i’ve battled this shit for far too long, endured way too much in my life to end it now. i know better. this doesn’t mean i don’t wish it would end. or that i don’t envision violence toward myself. i do. much more often than i should.

    i’m sorry that you’re battling this, too. i’m sorry that the battle is so brutal.

    i like this line: “Thank you for not crushing me when you could.” i’ve known too many people who would choose to crush someone rather than help them up.

    i’m glad to see so many are here for you.

  724. Seriously, Woman. You are a force of nature. Every time you post something, I admire you more.

    I am so thankful that you are on this planet, and that you have the strength to share the good with the bad.

  725. The last two posts on your blog are truely the most amazing ones, I have ever read. With this, you have touched so many people, and without a doubt changed lifes.

    You rock.

    Hugs and highfives all the way from Denmark

  726. Girl, you have a cast iron uterus for having the bravery to blog about things like self-harm and despression, subjects that general society would rather not look at because there’s no quick fix, no easy answers. But only in reaching out and naming it and connecting with other people do we feel that sweet weightlessness that is the beginning of healing.

    I’ve been a long time lurker and only now am I commenting. But YOU. GO. GIRL.

  727. Your post was moving, and I thank you for publishing it, instead of, like me, leaving it in drafts.

    There are so many that I have sitting in drafts, half finished, almost finished, seeming like it’s just not something anyone would care to read, and not knowing how to end it-I’m still looking for the silver lining!

  729. Wow. It’s so sad that a lot of Women are suffering in silence and don’t know where to turn to for help because of shame and uncertainty. So I applauded you for your candor and I like to inform your readership that most Women are suffering in silence no matter how well put together they may seem. So you are most definitely NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!

  730. As your other 1,000,000 followers probably would say (I’m probably estimating low) I really, really enjoy your blog. Something for everyone, every mood. This is probably superfluous, as you’ve probably won this one and 1,000 others (again, estimating low), but I’ve nominated you (just in case) for the Versatile Blogger Award, which, if you haven’t already won, I hope you’ll accept and enjoy! The rules can be found on my page: http://ahmjustsayin.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/instead-of-what-i-should-be-doing/

  731. I am not very important and I don’t self harm very much, just squeeze spots (zits). But I still have issues and will ignore them.

    You are special – I am drunk – what do we need to do to sort this out?

    I want to be normal – right now – without alcohol or support. Oh boy -I am in trouble!!! I cannot live another day. I live every day with the feeling that something will come along and help me – is thsi true?

  733. Depression is the bastard child of Lies and Self-degradation. He has lived with my family for many years, sometimes eased with medication and sometimes just the sheer power of survival. My daughter inherited this lovely changeling with a dose of Bi-polar and self-harm. About three years ago, she was fortuitously found trying to hang herself, that was when I realized how solid this constant shadow had become. After assuring her that no matter what she did, where she went or who she became I would always be there. I am and will be a life stalker for her. I might not know the right words to say, I might even say all the wrong things but I would in the shadows waiting….always. Prepared to knock that fucker around with words of encouragement and love. We have passed the year mark (going on two I believe) of her last self-harm episode and I have never seen her happier. Life isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect but there is a reason there are so many of us. Because we are all interlaced and the world is a small round puzzle. And just as she has me to stand behind her and watch her back when she sinks to her knees in overwhelming hopelessness and sadness, there are others in everyone’s life willing to do the same, if only they knew they were needed. This blog was a perfect catalyst in helping others speak out. Thank you for being an avant-garde in this subject. You are a hero to many. Cheers.

  734. WE LOVE YOU!

    I actually post very often about my depression on my blog because I realized that being open about it was the only thing keeping me from head in oven/slitting of wrists/bottles of pills, etc. I did therapy, now I’m on meds, and I have good days and bad days. Not too many suicidal days though, and I think opening up helped me IMMENSELY. I don’t have an ounce of the readership you do, but I figured it was time to stop being embarrassed and time to start being real before my kids ended up with no mom at 5 and 2. I didn’t want them to be burdened with that, and I didn’t want them to be more likely to do the same damn thing just because I had.

    So I’m fighting. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I have to tell you, some of your posts have often been the one thing that made me laugh on a given day, and that laughter gave me the strength to keep going. Keep doing what you do, but do what you need to do to get better. I LOVE YOU…yeah, for real. And I understand the pain, because most people who are funny as hell are hurting inside. Take care of yourself, we all LOVE YOU, keep us posted, and remember you don’t have to be funny to post. Just be whoever and whatever you are that day. We’re with you for ALL of it.

  735. Thank you for sharing all you did. We are all a mixture of courage and vulnerability; to see that mixture in others makes us feel better, more at home in the world. My hidden pain is fibromyalgia – a very different, and easier, kind of pain. But it is constant, sometimes immobilizing, and invisible. I’m thankful to have husband, doctor, and employer that understand and sympathize. Of the rest, I educate the ones I can and let the rest go.

    I’ve been very public about it, letting people know that things like that are okay to bring into everyday conversation. If I’m comfortable with it, then they will probably be, as well. So my encouragement to you is to be comfortable about it with others. You’ll find some people that need time to adjust to that kind of comfort, and others who have been waiting for it all their lives.

    Some day – most likely not in my lifetime but maybe in yours – they will find the cause for our pains. Then people who suffer as we do will find acceptance and sympathy. And they will look back on us as the forerunners, the ones who blazed the trail and made it smoother, the ones who clammored for the research that finally gave the answer. Our lives are our gift to those who follow us. And yours is a gift to me!

  736. Thank you for sharing all you did. We are all a mixture of courage and vulnerability; to see that mixture in others makes us feel better, more at home in the world. My hidden pain is fibromyalgia – a very different, and easier, kind of pain. But it is constant, sometimes immobilizing, and invisible. I’m thankful to have husband, doctor, and employer that understand and sympathize. Of the rest, I educate the ones I can and let the rest go.

    I’ve been very public about it, letting people kwill now that things like that are okay to bring into everyday conversation. If I’m comfortable with it, then they will probably be, as well. So my encouragement to you is to be comfortable about it with others. You’ll find some people that need time to adjust to that kind of comfort, and others who have been waiting for it all their lives.

    Some day – most likely not in my lifetime but maybe in yours – they will find the cause for our pains. Them people who suffer as we do will find acceptance and sympathy. And they will look back on us as the forerunners, the ones who blazed the trail and made it smoother, who clammored for the research that finally gave the answer. Our lives are our gift to those who follow us. And to each other!

  738. You know the weirdest thing?
    My mother posted in the above comments. I told her Id eventually read it,
    but also didn’t want to at the same time.
    I read these blogs regularly, sometimes as a family activity.
    Weirdest thing, right? “Oh what’s on the agenda for tonight?? I’m up for a TV dinner and a post from ‘the bloggess’!!”
    Its a regular occurrence to have incorporate cynical humor and thoughtful observations from another.
    Since my family is one of the oddest combination of people I know of.
    Anyway, I read my dear, sweet, sometimes unbearably annoying mother’s post in the above comments.
    I knew it was her,
    I recognize the name and the story. (Also knew she was posting)
    Now, I don’t cry.. or at least try not to. Been shoved down my throat all my life that tears were weakness.
    Im getting over that now, especially since My mother is my backing. Never really had any support except from her.
    Worse thing I hate doing, blaming my Bipolar for anything, I refuse to use an ‘illness’ as my crutch.
    I refuse to say I am not in complete control over myself at all times.
    But Im beginning to realize maybe Im an extremist against my diagnosis.
    My mom made me cry just by reading that comment, bringing up..
    (And yes mom, its the year mark… cant say two years ‘yet’)
    But I will always have those scars, and the remembrance of my suicidal actions.
    But, instead of hiding it, I want to be able to hold out my wrists and say “I made it”
    Through suicide, through 5 years of severe self mutilation, through being disconnected from everyone.
    I made it, and If I can, there is hope for the rest of the world.
    The only problem is no one can really understand the mind of a person who selfharms or is suicidal unless they already know. And even if I tried I could not express the reality behind it to someone who has never been through it, but for My mother, I thank you so much for trying, through the divorce, through me being taken from my dad’s home, though my own self lies. Thank you Mom. I wish everyone out there had someone like you.
    (I’m sorry I ever hated you at one time, states apart, I could only believe the lies…)

  739. Weirdest thing. My mom posted just above this in the past few comments…..
    So my family reads The bloggess on an ‘almost’ daily regumine for sanity.
    Which is kinda pointless when no amount of medication ever changed that,
    and we are perfectly content in the delusion that we are somewhat ‘average’
    Its gotten so bad, its like:
    “Hey What’s the plans for tonight?? Im up for a TV dinner and a daily dose of the bloggess!!”
    Its our trip down the lines of paragraphs, reading things that sometimes we know all too well.
    The sane part of insanity, yeah,, thats us.. we read these out loud to each other.
    Three of us, Me, My Mother, and Hopefully her soon-to-be fiance.
    Wierd, that in the few comments above this one, lies my mother’s post.
    I know its her, the repeatative name she uses, the story of her daughter.
    Yeah, I almost didnt even have the guts to read it.
    I was afraid to even post, but I got brave, somehow, somewhere I got brave.
    I seen her typing on the only color scheme known to The Bloggess, and I knew she was getting emotional.
    I read everything she wrote, and I cried. I hate crying, always told that it was a sign of weakness.
    But Im beginning to learn its not, and I cant be strong forever.
    So now, Im going on One year of resisting the temptation of handling my issues with my own pain.
    So no more blades to my body for a year, (Sorry Mom, I cant say Two years ‘yet’)
    I wont say I wont ever do it again, but I will say I can try my hardest to not go back.
    I will always have the scars, I will always have the memories of what it felt like at the edge of leaving this world.
    I will remember the eyes of those who seen me about to hang, Although I regretted it in the beginning,
    now, I realize Im stronger.
    So, to my Dear, sweet, sometimes unbearably annoying Mother, Im glad you were there even when you couldnt be physically, through 5 years of severe self mutilation, depression, sleep deprivation, and lies, you stayed. Even though Im your daughter, I see you as my best friend now.
    And to the Bloggess herself,
    it hurts. Hurts inside and out. What hurts worse, is trying to explain the reasons to someone who has never been there. To explain in a way to understand is impossible. Im all for understanding the difference between harm and suicidal intent. Even on days I am happy, I still wish to resort to my ‘comfortable’ habits.
    Im 19 years old, and feel like Ive lived 50 years. I will always want to self harm,
    and I cant promise I wont do it again, but I will do my best to stay strong and try to be healthier,
    and thats all i can do, Thats all anyone can do.
    I will stand for those who never had the chance.
    Even you, if I have to, Bloggess.

  740. Dear Jennie,

    Amazing post! You are so brave to post this and I am proud of you! This took a lot of courage to write and even more to share with the world.
    I also suffer from depression and have not done any cutting but do jump over to suicide. I am on medication and was in therapy and so far I’m doing much better. It is a long story and if you want to hear it, feel free to write back. If you would like someone to talk to, you go right ahead and contact me – no, you will not be wasting my time.
    Depression is so much like a cancer! You totally got that correct! (Is my eighties showing through?) My biggest fear is that my daughter will become a victim of depression also. This condition runs in my family and my husband’s family. Interestingly enough, on my grandfather’s death certificate, cause of death is listed Depression and no, he didn’t commit suicide. My husband also has this condition.
    It is very sad that there is such a huge stigmatism about depression. When I checked myself into a hospital, years ago, to keep from commiting suicide, my mother took the news as a personal front. I explained that this had nothing to do with her and she didn’t believe me. Why on earth, would I, of all people, even concider suicide; I needed to just suck it up and get on with my life. Therapy was for people who were crazy, not me. Believe it or not she was not the cause of my depression; I’m not saying I don’t have issues with my mother but as far as her being the cause – NO.
    If only she understood… Hell, if only she simply would have accepted and listened non-judgementally…
    So I reiterate, if you need to talk to someone please call. I will listen and not condemn. And no, you will not be wasting my time.

    Maureen

  741. I waited ages to respond to this because I was certain what I wanted to say had already been said, and I’m sure it has, but I’ve come to realize that I still need to say it.

    I’m 22. I graduated one month ago with a 4.0 and a relatively useless English degree (more accurately, a degree in poetry). One day, I want to be a rabbi. Just a few weeks ago, I would never have said that because I know that my application to rabbinical school involves a psych eval. I was certain with my history of anorexia and self-injury, no one would ever want me as a rabbi. Until I read your recent blog posts. And during a late night conversation with my amazing and understanding boyfriend, I had a thought.

    People who don’t struggle don’t develop relationships with G-d in the same way. At 13, I turned to G-d and Judaism because I was desperate. Nothing in my life was certain, relationships were hostile, my parents were on the brink of divorce. But I found something. Judaism, with its brilliant and beautiful community, with its focus on repairing the world, acts of loving kindness, and its solidarity and strength in the most trying of times, became something I leaned on. And I am NOT ashamed of that. I am not ashamed to have looked over the edge of a cliff. I am not ashamed that I took a step back from that cliff only to return to it days later, months later, weeks later. Because like you, there were other things. There were places I was–I am, going.

    When I first found your blog, I felt like I’d found a sort of kindred spirit. Your recent posts have only shown me how true this is. We are not broken people. We have strong, beautiful voices and we are singing. And with that, I wish you Shavua Tov, a good week, a greet usually reserved for the end of the Jewish Sabbath on Saturday night and the beginning of a new week, but entirely applicable to a good week of mental health, a week of peace.

    Love.

  742. Dear Jennie.

    I hope you are ok. I feel a bit nervous that we haven’t heard from you for almost a week.
    Do you realize how much you change peoples lives? Do you realize the difference you make?
    As I said in a previous post: you save others lives Jennie. You really do. People like you save others. But I hope you manage to save yourself as well.
    I’m at work. In Norway. On the other side of the planet. And I’m thinking of you.

    Big hugs.

  744. You are so very, very beautiful.

    Your words bring tears to my eyes – and they’re the good kind!

  745. I have what is called a “Borderline Personality Disorder”. 9 years ago I took a knife to my wrists and cut myself for the first and last time. What scared me the most was the fact that it didn’t hurt at all. If anything I suddenly felt lighter and numb inside…which was so much better than the agony that was pulling me into a spiraling tornado of blackness. Gotta tell you…that scared the SHIT out of me. As I sat and watched myself bleed all over my bed. I realized that I had a daughter downstairs, who was only three…and that just like my parents did to me, I was fucking her up. NOTHING has ever made me so motivated to get better than that moment. I lived in hell as a child, pissed blood from beating that my kidneys took from my dad’s fists. Belittled and abused by a mother that was jealous of me. (Because suddenly my dad was feeling me up instead of her?? WTF??) Isn’t your mom supposed to keep you safe? Not mine!! I would kill anyone who tried to touch my kids.

    In that moment of pure – un-cut clarity (that started with a knife…so no puns intended) I realized that this was not the kind of mom I wanted to be and marched my ass into a hospital then refused to leave until they put me into a program. (Called “Short Term Assement and Treatment”) I literally went to school 5 days a week to learn some skills around taming my inner “destruction monster”. I had lived most of my life creating my own chaos once I got out from under my parents brutal abuse.

    Along comes my daughter – the perfectly beautiful peice of myself. The best of me really….and I KNEW just knew I needed to STOP. it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still fuck up – she is 12 now…and truly loves me in the only way a child can love you…completely and totally. I do everything for her…and now for my son…and thank god for the system that took me in when I was crying out for it. I was lucky…I am strong…and I refuse to bow my head in shame because of who I am.

    My disorder was a survival tool that I needed to get through my childhood…and a nurse told me that it was truly not a skill that was working for me now…that I needed to go to school and learn a new skill set. Simple? Not as simple as it sounds…yet brilliantly simple at the same time. Your strength brings tears to my eyes, again reminds me I am not alone…and even though I do not know you…I am so proud of you and what you do for the world at large.

    many hugz and wishes of strength and simplicity sent your way….

    Marny

  746. These comments, and the post itself just go to show that we don’t always see what we think we see. Most of us sit at home and think, “Wow! I’d love to be in Jenny’s shoes!” and until she told us the truth, we all assumed she lived in some deliriously happy fairy tale.

    We love you, Jenny– and you aren’t alone.

    You never were.

  748. After having surgery, my doctor wanted to know if I was experiencing any side affects from meds. He asked me was I feeling any depression. I responded, “Well, yeah, but my life is depressing, so its normal depression.” He just looked at me and said, “I never thought of it that way”.

  749. I don’t want to sound like a stereotype but “the truth will set you free”, you and so many others out there suffering. You took the first step and brought light into your darkness and have already inspired so many. And I am sure this is just the beginning of a long, wonderful journey for you. Take heart!

  750. I have always had sleep issues which actually was anxiety issues. My anxiety levels hit a brand new high after giving birth to my daughter early last year and popped up during an incident with a garage door that required me to go to the ER and get six stiches in my lip. Since the garage door incident, I have learned to recognize when my anxiety is starting to increase and to do what I can to calm myself down before it manifests itself into something that I cannot control. I happily keep a bottle of Xanax (MD prescribed) on my nightstand and use when my own coping mechanisms prove to be ineffective. Thank you for sharing your experience and know that I firmly believe that we all have a little crazy in us.

  751. Not sure if you remember me, but I followed you in your early days (’06, ’07) and you have, wow, blown up girl! I wrote about triathlons and — at the time — adopting from Ethiopia in So Cal. Time passes and you have babies and stop reading the blogs you used to … until I caught wind that you are up to some amazing work, uncut sharing and bittersweet honesties. Rumors swirled around the internet about your recent blog post and the red dress campaign.

    Thanks for putting it out there, the ugly and unsexy and the real and the painful about anxiety and its place in our lives. It’s lonely, it’s crippling and it feels like the weight of it is too much … keep taking those steps you’re taking, with every day will come new understandings. The hope is that the fractured and brokenness finds remedy, right? It’s just hard to say where the journey will lead.

    There’s no place to (privately) leave contact info. But keep on doing, girl. And so glad that you’ve touched a cord that’s helpful to others and hopefully self-soothing and healing.

  752. Oh Bloggess. My depression is dibilitating this week. My dad died suddenly 4 years ago this month. I have no kids, just dogs. Mainly b/c I feel like I am so mentally fucked up that I can’t imagine being responsible for another person’s life. Anyways, we just found out that my dog has cancer and will die in 30-60 days. I can’t stop crying. Moving forward seems impossible.

    (It is possible and you will do it. Life is better with you in it. Now call someone who can help you. Call a friend or a family member and then call a doctor. You deserve the help you need. ~ Jenny)

  753. Pingback: Life & Writing « Completely Delicious Life

  754. Since this is the 500th comment, you might not be able to read this. But I wanted to say thank you for telling us your story. I’m a recovering cutter, myself. Even though I know that hundreds of other people self-harm, I still sometimes feel like no one else knows what I go through. So thank you.

    (I read it. I know what you’re going through. Fight the good fight! ~ Jenny, bloggess)

  755. Thank you J for talking about it, it helps and also encourage me to keep on being honest about it. We shouldn’t hide. We are so many, and still far too lonely.

  756. OK, after reading many comments on the previous post and on this one, I feel the need to add my
    MEGA ALTERNATIVES LIST

    Here are some ways in which you can try not to SI when you feel
    triggered:

    -Deep breathing

    -Relaxation techniques

    -Call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line

    -Try not be be alone (visit a friend, go shopping, etc.)

    -Take a hot bath

    -Listen to music (soothing perhaps- Papa Roach or the Manics might not
    be a good idea!)

    -Go for a walk (Seems to be especially good for some when it’s
    raining?!?)

    -Write in a journal

    -Write poetry- it’ll be dark, but it’ll be raw-emotional, and that’s
    good- it’s a less harmful way of releasing things.

    -Wear an elastic around wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm
    yourself

    -If you tend to have decent runs of not SI-ing, then fail and do it, do
    a tally.
    Write ‘days I self injured’ in one colomn, and ‘days I didn’t’ in the
    other. At the end of every day, draw a line in either colomn, depending
    on if you self injured or not that day. Over time, those tallys in the
    ‘didn’t SI’ box will grow, making you feel better.

    -Some people find it helpful to draw red lines on themselves with
    washable markers instead of cutting themselves

    -Hold ice cubes in your hands – the cold causes pain in your hands, but
    it is not dangerous or harmful (some people find it relieves the urge to
    harm themselves for that moment)

    -Punching a bed or a pillow (when nothing but a physical outlet for your
    anger and frustration will work), or any kind of sport- even if it’s
    just pressups and situps in your own room- burns away the energy to
    harm.

    -Meditation (AKA self hypnotism if you want to call it that)
    Type One- Just sit down comfortably, eyes closed and teake long,
    slow
    breaths- concentrating on the breath itself as it goes in and out and
    nothing else. After even eight or nine breaths, as long as you keep them
    slow, you can feel more relaxed. The more the better!
    Type Two- sit down comfortably, eyes closed and repeat to
    yourself a
    word which indicates something you want to have that you don’t (emotions
    wise) or a state you want to be in- like ‘happiness. happiness,
    happiness’ or ‘confidence, confidence, confidence’. The idea is that in
    time, you ‘fool yourself’ that you HAVE these things, and in doing so
    you DO have them because it’s YOU that gives them to you in the first
    place!!

    -Scratch draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screw driver
    and stab at the piece of wood. (can be another physical way to release
    your
    emotions without harming yourself.)

    -Avoid temptation (i.e. avoiding the area in CVS where the razor blades
    are kept, etc.)

    -Try to find your own creative ways as outlets for emotions- writing,
    drawing, painting, etc.

    -Learn to confront others/making your own feelings known instead of
    keeping them inside, but pick your trustees carefully!

    -Go outside and scream and yell

    -Take up a sport (a form of exercise can help you release tension, etc.-
    doesn’t have to be at a club or gym if you don’t wanna; sport’s sport
    wheverer and whenever you do it)

    -Work with paint, clay, play-doo, etc. (the person who suggested this
    mentioned that they would make a big sculpture and do whatever they
    wanted to it. They said it was helpful to calm the urge to self-injure,
    plus it
    gave them some idea of what might be underlying the pain.

    -Draw a picture of what or who is making you angry

    -Write a letter to the person who’s making you feel this way (if there
    is one)- you don’t ever have to send it; it may be best to burn it
    afterwards, but just writing it down helps work stuff out.

    -Instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harm
    with massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are special and
    you
    deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect

    -Go to church or your place of worship- not necissarily an ‘established’
    place of worship- the natural world, for example, is pretty spiritual-
    parks and stuff.

    -Wear a pipe cleaner or something that will fit on the places that you
    injure. One person did this as a way to remind herself that she could
    call someone instead of hurting herself and that she had other ways to
    cope.

    -Break the object that you use to self-injure as a way to show that you
    have control over it.

    -Do some household chores (i.e. cleaning)

    -Do some cooking

    -Try some sewing, crossstitch, etc.

    -Recite a poem, prayer or anything else familiar the comforts you
    multiple times

    -Write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be
    hurt

    -Write in your journal why you want to hurt yourself and if you have
    hurt
    yourself, write down what caused it to happen so in the future you can
    prevent it from happenings – or find out what your triggers were

    -Play some kind of musical instrument. Even if you don’t really know how
    to play, picking out tunes is a way to concentrate and help get rid of
    the
    urge to harm yourself.

    -Yoga

    -Allow yourself to cry. Getting the tears out can make you feel better.
    It allows the inside to release, as opposed to self abuse. Picture your
    “ickies” pouring out as you cry.

    -Take a shower

    -Write down a word best associated with what you are feeling (i.e.
    horrible, sad, lonely, angry) and continue to write it down, over and
    over.
    Sometimes when you do that, the words looks silly etc., and it puts
    humor or a
    smile in your life.

    -Sing a song on what you are feeling. It’s another way to get it
    outside.
    Shout if you feel, etc. Let the words just come to you.

    -Scribble on paper. Clutch the pen in your fist. It’s a way to diffuse
    it
    on to paper. (Get a few sheets so they don’t tear.)

    -Take item you are self injurying with and use it against something
    else.
    For example, if you are using a razor blade, rip it across a towel.
    Sometimes seeing what “can” be done to an object can make a person think
    twice about using it on themselves. Can also give the feeling of “doing
    it”…the tangible aspect.

    -Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting.

    -Tell yourself that you can’t cut for another 5 minutes. If you make it
    5
    minutes then I tell yourself to wait another 5 minutes. Sometimes you
    might no longer feel like cutting after only 5 minutes.

    -Every time you get the urge, read the list to remind yourself why you
    shouldn’t.

    -Also remember to put on that list that you do not deserve to hurt
    yourself.
    You are important and special and you do not deserve to be hurt.

    -Hit a punchbag- punchbags are goooood- or stree sponges.

    -Keep dangerous things out of your house/apartment/

    -Make a list of friends you can call.
    I do not do this because I do not have local friends that I can call.
    BUT, I know many people who find
    this list of friends to contact extremely helpful even if they don’t
    actually call anyone.

    -Focus on what is real and around you right then.
    There is no such thing as the past or the future- only the now!

    -Give yourself rewards, even if they’re stupid, mundane little things
    like watching a TV show you like or eating a food you like- and indulge
    yourself in these things when you feel bad- makes you remember there are
    good things in life, however small.

    -Be aware of the world- say to yourself what you see. ie. The couch is
    green. The
    light is on. I can feel my shoe pinching my foot. This can sometimes be
    enough to ground you.

    -Make a contract with someone you care about and who cares about you.
    Don’t have to ‘know’ them in the real world- internet friends etc are
    fine. Make sure you try to get in touch with them when you feel in mind
    (but of course don’t get extra depressed, with internet friends, if they
    arn’t around cos they arn’t online- that’s why having phone numbers is
    better)

    -Create an internal safe place where you can go.
    In a time when you feel safe and secure, create a room or a garden or
    any safe area inside yourself where you can retreat to and get away from
    external stresses. Add as many
    details as you can to make it real for you.

    -Get a warm drink and curl up in a warm place with a stuffie.
    Buy yourself a special stuffie if you do not already have one. Make
    yourself some tea or hot chocolate
    (or even coffee if the caffeine doesn’t bother you) and curl up under a
    nice warm comforter or blanket
    with lots of pillows.

    -Put on a (happy) movie

    -Post at a self injury bullitin board on the web.
    (Be careful to avoid triggery posts, but talk to people- it’s totally
    anonamous, so just type how you feel- you might find some people who
    know what you’re going through.)

    -Have a bath and finger paint with ketchup.

    -Try not to be to hard on yourself for feeling this way.
    Try not to beat yourself up inside by calling yourself names or
    expecting yourself to just “not feel this
    way” or to “snap out of it.” This internal namecalling and self-verbal
    abuse will only make you feel worse.

    -Tell yourself how you feel now will not last forever. It is hard to
    remember that
    while you are in the midst of these
    feelings, but EVERYTHING changes.
    Just focus on you and what you need to do to get through these
    feelings as safely as you can.

    -Use a toothbrush instead of a razor.

    -Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living
    thing, such as;
    -Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an
    old shirt or sock.
    -Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut
    and
    tear it instead of yourself.
    -Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go.
    -Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.
    -Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
    -On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do.
    -Cut and tear the picture.
    -Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to
    shatter it.
    -Break sticks.

    -Crank up the music and dance.

    -Stomp around in heavy shoes.

    -Curl up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying
    yourself somehow. Do
    whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted.

    -Use light sweet-smelling incense and listen to
    soothing music.

    -Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and
    watch TV or read. Visit a friend.

    -Slap a tabletop hard.

    -Clap hard.

    -Take a cold bath.

    -Play a difficult computer game.

    -Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as
    detailed a description of it as you
    can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible
    uses, feel, etc.

    -Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different
    uses for it.

    -Pick a subject and research it on the web.

    -Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by
    dropping it into a cup of hot water
    for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place
    you want to cut. Draw the bottle in
    a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color
    trickle out.

    -Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it
    overnight; the next day you can pick
    it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.

    -Read an insanely long list of alternatives to cutting- by the time
    you’ve finished, you probably won’t have the energy to cut!!!

    Now, remember, you are a worthy persn, very strong, very vulnerable, very loved. You have a wonderful ability to communicate and reach out to others, making them laugh and cry. This is a gift!

    Also, know you are loved, that’s the most important thing.

  757. Thank you so much for your post. I know you have 750 comments already and are not likely to notice this one, but I wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a kid. I have been on and off medication (now more on than off) for most of my adult life. I have tried unsuccessfully to come off of the medication but I keep relapsing. I’ve been in and out of therapy with temporary relief. I’ve had several hospitalizations for depression and one suicide attempt. Lately I have not been feeling right and reading your post made me realize that I am in the middle of a relapse. And I have had to learn to look at my illness as such: a chronic illness that can go in and out of remission but that I may never be totally cured from (I tried to end that sentence with another word beside “from” but it didn’t work out). Just knowing that someone as funny and cool as you are helps me to feel less fucked up (or fucked up but in a good way). I have great resources. Right now I have the best friends I’ve ever had and a wonderful partner and husband that keeps an eye on me. But I still feel pretty awful. This time I’m trying something new. Instead of pushing it down and acting like it’s not there and denying it, I’m treating like I would a cold or upper respiratory infection or cancer. I’ve relapsed, I went up on my dosage, I’m going to talk to my doctor about a promising new treatment, and I’m trying to be kind to myself. You know, taking a nap in the middle of the morning if I can. Letting the tears come out when they feel like it. Telling those close to me to keep an eye on me. And knowing that things have always gotten better so why wouldn’t they do the same now? Thanks for everything, Jenny. You have provided me with much needed comedic relief and a lifeline when I’ve needed it. Never give up and I won’t either.

  758. you are so riotously funny and irreverent and i love your blog. i don’t normally respond to blogs – but i love your brave and honest admission of depression and self-harm. i believe i hover on the edge of depression/despair… and it is hard to admit. so thank you thank you thank you.

    p.s.
    have you ever read ayelet waldman’s ‘the bad mother’ ? funny and honest, a good read and her honesty rocks.

  759. Your post made me think of this webcomic. Although it’s a bit more light-hearted than the subject matter here, I thought you would enjoy it: http://viruscomix.com/page500.html.

    Don’t ever let anyone make you feel less. You are braver than most people I know, especially myself, and you do a service by putting yourself out there for us to interact with and respond to. We, your readers, have a focal point to gather around, a stimulus to take action, and a spark to ignite the flame. Thank you. So much.

    (LOVE this. Sharing on twitter now. ~ Jenny)

  761. My cousin’s son, only 19 years old, committed suicide just days after this most recent Christmas because he was battling depression. I’m so glad that you talk about what you’re going through so other know they are not alone. Continue to fight the fight!!

  762. Hi, I don’t know how I came to your blog, I’ve been reading you for let’s say a couple of weeks, and I find your blog, the way you write, the things you write.. sensational, funny, hilarious…
    When I read the last post I really thoght, as you write, ”But you seem so normal.”
    I have been lucky enough to have a mother and family that truly loved me and supported me, and I think this was what kept me away of this problem.
    After all, what is this “normal” all about????
    I’ve been always -positively- surprised by the power og blogging and getting in touch with people all around the world that you’ve never met and talked with. The story you tell is the demonstration that this is a really powerful tool and that sharing is important!!
    You totally rock!!

  763. I don’t have a red ball gown, but I do have a huge pink one! If I can donate it, I’d truly love to.
    Let me know what I can do!!

  764. I read this blog often (after a recommendation from a totally loved sister. :D) But I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to comment before. I just have to say I appreciate and admire both Jenny and the bravery of the many, many readers and followers for sharing their stories and living in their truth. I’ve faced plenty of my own battles over the years and I continue to daily… with both depression and anxiety and it is always refreshing and comforting to be reminded you’re not alone out there. Whether you’re at that low vulnerable place or you’re just getting along, managing the best ways you know how to. We really do have the power to save lives based on the power of our voices even if they amount to tiny pixels on a screen. They amount to so much more in the hearts of others and it definitely means the world to me too. Thank you all for sharing. 🙂 Not sure what else to say besides that. Just Thank You.

  766. Utterly missed this post the first time around. I was recently exposed to your writing by a friend who insisted ‘she writes like you behave’. Wasn’t sure what to make of it at the time, but have decided that it was an entirely complimentary statement.

    My personality has always been out there and I have been diagnosed with everything from dyslexia to add to aspergers (which sounds like ass burgers and is almost as delicious). I dropped out of school for the first time in middle school and spent the next few years picking fights with anyone who I thought was looking down on my flaws before realizing I was a lot happier making bad jokes and juggling. Back in those days if a week passed without considering suicide, and if I made a mistake without applying self harm, it was a odd week. It took years to climb out of those days and do anything other than act the part of a statistic.

    These days I am back in college on an engineering scholarship, vice president of the engineering honor society and wear my flaws on my sleeve as a ‘I did it, you all can do it to’. I live with a wonderful woman, a pair of cats and an anvil that weighs about 3 times as much as I do (as a former blacksmith, the latter item is worthy of my list of joys). I overcame my learning disabilities to excel in engineering and rarely a day goes by without a lab work related conversation that resembles the science fiction I grew up with. I tutor peers, and have a few friends who call me of their own volition (as opposed to crossing the street to avoid me, which had been known to happen in the past). And still some days I wake up convinced there is some unknowable something missing from my life that prevents me from being happy or succeeding. Or find myself sitting in a room of friends and acquaintances and feeling utterly isolated. The bitch of mental health problems is that they are not logical, not rational, and with you forever.

    It is inspiring to see someone with the size of an audience you reach, and with the irreverent and cheerful sense of humor you portray, stand out front and center about living with mental health challenges. It is people like you that make the rest of us feel not so alone.

  767. I have read your blog for a long time now and I’m a big fan. 3 days before
    you wrote your post on what it was like to struggle with depression, I had
    written something on what it was like to struggle with bipolar disorder. Your post was pivotal for me. Your ability to stand up and own what you deal with gave me strength to do the same. For that, I want to thank you. I spent a lot of years hiding what I deal with. I watched friends of mine not survive the lows.

    So thank you for being a voice through the static. It meant the world to me.

    I know a ton of people probably email you requesting that you read something they wrote. Maybe they’re looking for their 30 seconds of fame. I don’t know. But I’m not asking that you do anything with this other than read it. That’s my only motivation. I just want you to read it, from one person who struggles with depression to another. Read it.

    Please.

    http://ihatekeats.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-carry-your-heart-with-me.html

  768. Dear Bloggess,

    Huge fan of your site, please don’t ever stop with the taxidermied kingdom!

    On a serious note, last week I let my depression take me down to a place I’ve never been….with an actual plan to end my life and in turn end the pain that was primarily self-inflicted by thoughts of failure, of being inadequate, of never being quite good enough. I’ve had periods when I’ve been depressed before, but I have always been able to ride out the storm. This time I was caught in such a spin of self doubt and self hatred, I just could not pull myself out of it.

    My therapist and my husband saved my life. My husband took me to the crisis center at our local hospital, where I verbalized my plan. It wasn’t that I WANTED to be dead. It was that I thought I SHOULD be dead, that everyone would be better off without me muddling up their lives. I spent two nights in a facility that kept me safe, where I learned that there are a lot of troubled people out in the world, with lots of different types of pain and different ways of dealing (or not dealing) with it.

    I have a long road ahead but I am determined to have faith in myself to live. My doctor put me on a new medication, I’m in therapy but more importantly, I’m trying my own ways to feel better. We needed to remove the tiles in our kitchen, so I set about doing that today. I wrote down every negative thought that I have ever had about myself on each tile. And then smashed the hell out of them. Damn did that feel good.

    Sometimes it is amazing what smashing a few kitchen tiles can do for you.

    NEVER GIVE UP.

    Lisa

  769. I haven’t been following you very long, and have noticed you mentioned this in some posts in passing, so I decided to search for any posts that you explained yourself.

    I have suffered from depression for years, and somedays my family doesn’t get it. One member just tells me “get over it, and be happy” the others worry about me and try to help and be supportive. I hide that I have started medicating from the one and the rest help me remember to take it. Sometimes this is a problem that can be crippling.

    I have a kind of safe distance stalker like admiration for you. I relate to your trials, laugh at your humor, and understand those moments of “how exactly is this my life” Thank you! Maybe at some point I will have a better voice for myself.

  770. thank you… I needed to know that I’m not as alone as I feel, and you did that for me.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading