UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, Giant metal chickens are everywhere, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.
The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."
Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,595 thoughts on “UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Well since yours is a *giant* metal chicken named Beyonce and this is a baby version, the obvious choice for a name (to me, anyway) is Blue Ivy!

  3. I am utter intreiged by the tool holding babyBeyonce’s feet down in the second photo! It is like it just appeared there. I am fairly sure you can’t post babyBeyonce to Australia, but if you were too, i would totally name her Lorraine!

  10. Wait — would a spike used to kill a vampire actually be bloody? I didn’t think vampires had blood. Other than that, though, the scene looks totally realistic.

    Are you actually giving away the chicken? Because it looks like Ferris Mewler might be thinking about using it as a back-scratcher, and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.

  11. That is the cutest fucking baby dead duck I have *ever* seen. The cross and the spike? It’s all Duffy, the Duckpire Slayer. I think I just melted from a heart attack.

    Anywho, the male Beyonce? Caw-L. Of course.

  12. I saw another Beyonce the other week, obviously I had to take a photo! Will put it on face book, eventually…..I think if the newer chicken is definately a boy, and it’s a mini me of Beyonce…..Surely Vern would be appropriate? Alas I also live in Oz, but worth a go?! Much love xxxx

  13. I would love a mini-beyonce – he/she/it/xi would make the perfect decoration for my new dorm room. I have to establish myself in the college pecking order somehow! I’d name it… Gilbert Gottfried, and giggle in contentment as it mentally screeched into my ear through the night.

  14. If I were the lucky person selected, I would name him Ramses. He’d confuse the hell out of my ducks (Matilda, Delta Dawn and Gary) and all 8 of our barn cats (Touche, Tank, Violet, Buckaroo, Cocoa, Gavin, Sylvia & Lou Reed). Send Ramses home to Oregon!

  15. Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus.

    The 5th.

    On account of me having named other inanimate objects Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus since High School. FACT.

    Handle it.

  17. The OBVIOUS name for this little metal chicken is “Lil’ Kim”

    Failing that… Englebert Humperdink

  18. Since my husband watches Home Improvement (still) with a passion, the first thing through my head was “Duc-t tape” Or however you would type it grossly overpronounced and punctuated with spit.

    Also running through my head was a new teen paranormal drama called “Ducky the Vampire Slayer”. It’s the only way stupid prissy vampires could get any cuter.
    Wait, no, the duck with glitter. There we go.

  20. I’d name her Edna. I have no idea why but that is the name that popped into my head when I saw her. I think you have to go with your gut when it comes to metal chickens.

  22. Eunice, because I’ve never known anyone named Eunice. I hear her saying “Girl…. go git me a Co-Cola!”

  23. Would totally name it Tyrannosaurus Banks… and call it Tyra for short…

    Or not…

    Either way I’m naming something that heh.

    I already have a purple fish named Tyrannosaurus and I call him Ty… Even though it’s a boy… we refer to him as “her”. Okay OT.

  24. I love the vampire hunter duck (and I HATE vampire hunters).

    I’d probably name the mini-Beyonce Missy Insomnia.

  25. I’d name it Pollito Chicken. Cuz Spanglish rocks like that. Also? It’s middle name would be Barbie cuz my 4 year old names EVERYTHING Barbie. I’m even driving The Barbiemobile. I *know*! Dreams do come true!!!

  28. I’m very curious to know what the person looks like who set up that baby head display…

    Looking at the feet, I think I’d go with Rusty for the mini metal chick.

  33. Pemberton Mackleby. 🙂 and he’s made out of COKE cans! Its like everything I love in the world had sex and then laid an egg, and Pemberton hatched out of it.! 🙂

  34. I’d name him Cokie. Maybe for the fact that his body is made out of a coke can. Maybe for the habit my husband would think I must have developed to want a metal chicken in the house. Because I do. I do want that metal chicken.

    Also, I’m going to need to find one of those markets when we visit my husband’s family in rural Texas later this year. Baby’s heads on spikes and stuffed ducklings are way better than any merchandise at our local mall.

  35. Well, it seems that everything that my hubby and I name has to have a Star trek, or TV inspired name… and so I’d probably have to name it Carrie, because then we’d be afraid it was going to murder us in our sleep.

  36. i’d probably name him:
    tic tac taco
    because i mean, you’d never put tic tacs on tacos.
    even though that has nothing to do with anything, i swear when i said the name, the chicken gave a little smile.

  37. Figarro… I think he is a boy chicken… rooster that is and I bet he would sing if he only had a heart…

  38. Glen Coco. So when I walk by him I say ” you go glen coco! And none for Gretchen Weiners bye”

  39. I would name her Holly S. Hitsnacks, clearly.

    And I would leave her in front of my best friend’s door in the middle of the night, because someone (not me) left a set of stacking dolls in her front yard in the middle of the night recently, and it’s freaking her right the fuck out. She thinks it’s the yardsale mafia or something. Clearly, this means that I must leave random things in her yard at regular intervals just to watch her slowly go insane from the resulting paranoia.

    It’s what any good friend would do.

  40. He rather looks like a Heathcliff to me. The rakish air, with a sense of tragic foreboding lurking just beneath the surface. Or that could be rust, I suppose. In any case, he just screams out “HEATHCLIFF!”

  41. I would name her Pepsi, just because I would have to justify the parts of a coke can used to make the amazing chicken

  42. I would call him George Orwell. He could herd the flock of plastic pink flamingos that hangs out in my back yard. And scare away the geese.

  45. Although Blue Ivy was a thought I had too, it didn’t seem to fit…

    I’m voting for Jermaine Dupree ’cause he’s little and kinda grows on you the more you think about it.

  46. It’s 2:30am. I’m coding like an idiot. And then your tweet about ducklings murdering vampires. Now I’ve stopped coding and I’m about to go rock myself to sleep in the corner. Ring ring, motherfucker.

  50. I am laughing into a pillow so I don’t wake my hub. For some strange reason he has put up with my craziness for 40 (FOUR-ZERO!) years. I think we deserve a Beyonce` chicken!

  53. Fred. Only because I was never able to name anything Fred as a child for fear of insulting my father but in this case, dad would love his namesake. 🙂

  55. I would name it moosefaces 🙂 Yeah I know it’s named after my Twitter account, but I love that name. So random…so awesome.

  56. Naming a metal chicken is much harder than one would think… But I’d have to go with James Van Der Beak

  57. It’s pretty obvious that that there is a Ke$ha next to Ferris Mewler. She’d confuse the heck out of the border collie who is both incredibly intrigued by the local emu (OMG! I luuurve to chase birds!) and afraid of it (OMG! It is enormous!). It’s funny to watch these conflicting emotions take their turns in her brain in rapid succession.

    Or Marie Curie. It could also be a Marie Curie.

  60. I love Beyonce’s. My dad bought me a mini flock of Beyonce’s for my birthday this year after we read your post about learning to pick your battles. My mother was very confused as to why my father insisted on purchasing a flock of metal chickens for my birthday (especially since one of them was missing a head), but she rolled her eyes and let him because she just doesn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

    If I get this chicken, I’d name him Freddie Mercury.

  61. He just looks like a Buckminster Fuller to me. It’s such a wacky name that bespeaks dignity and hilarity at the same time. Doesn’t it just resonate with you? Maybe it’s just the synesthesia talking, but the colors of the word even match the colors on the chicken!

    Also, posts like this just affirm that my life goal is to be like you. And my globe-trotting super star art history professor, but why not both? Totally diggin’ Martin Van Buren there.

  63. Wow. He’s marvelous. What the hell would I name him? I’m horrible at naming things, taking months and months to make lists. I used to be particularly fond of the name Fred for things like black goldfish and dogwood trees, but he doesn’t look much like a Fred. I’d have to give it some thought.

  64. Horribly, I would name it Coco Sheen. Because it’s made of coca-cola cans, and they used to put actual cocaine in coke, and that made me think of Charlie Sheen, but I don’t want it to remind me of Charlie Sheen so the only next logical step is Coco Sheen, which makes me think “coke machine”, which could either distribute the drug or the drink. Either way, enjoy the ride before the crash.

    Also: Holy Shiznit The Duck Totally Made Up For Everthing.

  65. Clucky McCluckerson aka The Biggest Cock on the Block. I hear he killed Colonel Sanders.

  66. I’d name him Rihanna, of course, because every good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

    Also, I know you’re picking randomly, but my husband has been deployed and is coming home soon… and it would fantastic for him to come home to a chicken staring at him. And it’s small, so I could move it around and have it peeking out at him in various places… and act like I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe he’ll think he’s the ONLY ONE who can see it.

    Hmm. Even if I don’t win this one, I might have to go find one of my own anyway…

  68. Ethel if its a girl.
    Herschel Walker if its a boy.

    Also, Martin Van Buren seems more like a bowler than a top hat kinda guy. Either that or he needs more gold chains and can really take off in the hip hop direction with a baseball cap designating his regional loyalties in the rap wars. Just a suggestion for ways to branch him out and reach a broader audience. Plus, no one, not even Victor could deny that awesomeness.

  69. Vladimir Fisticuffs! My mom desperately wants a Beyonce-like chicken so she can screw with my dad when she’s bored on the weekends. Please let me win Mr. Vladimir Fisticuffs, Esq. so I can make her dream a reality!

  72. “We’ve go to do something about that duck,” (say it like the wife in “Babe”)
    I wish we had random taxidermy in Oregon. You Texans have all the luck!

  73. I would name him Eric Northman and place him in my bedroom, probably on top of my dresser. That way I can tell people that Eric Northman is in my bedroom, and I won’t be lying. Of course, I will then have to explain to people how Eric Northman ended up in my bedroom, which would involve telling them the story of the original Beyonce. Therefore sharing the great joy of Beyonce with anyone who will stand still long enough for me to get my story out.

  74. Fiddlesworth?
    My boyfriend named our rabbit Traffic Cone, so I’m sure he’ll have something better

  75. I need this chicken. I have a serious coke addiction…as in Coca-Cola, not coke. I can’t afford to have a coke addiction…well, I can’t really afford my Coca-Cola addiction, but it’s way cheaper than coke…from what I understand.

    Anyway, I squealed really loudly that I needed the chicken when I read that you were giving it away, and my daughter looked at my laptop, looked at me and patted me on the head before wandering away.

    Also, I’d name him Willis…because, obviously.

  78. ramshackle snugglesworth the seventeenth.
    because obviously he comes from a long line of proud lawn ornaments and rusty metal contraptions that have made people happy for centuries.
    and twisted rusty metal just screams snuggley.
    that and tetanus.

  79. No idea why, but I looked a him and immediately said “HI Lennon!! Come play with me!!!!”

  80. I think he has to be Travis Mandelbaum. I’m not sure why, that’s just what he told me when I saw the picture.

  81. I would name him Cocka-Doodle-cola.

    That way anytime I see someone mention having to call the CDC, I can laugh instead of panic!!

  85. I’d name him Bubbles because that’s the first thing that came to mind when I saw him. I hope I win, because I already love him 🙂

  86. OMG…this is one of your best posts ever! I must have a mini-giant-metal-Beyonce-chicken. Seriously, it has my name written on there….somewhere!

    You crack me up. Love love love you! These posts make me smile.

  87. Oh…and this post rocked and is now in my top 10 favorite Bloggess blog posts of all time, not that I have such a list, yet, but I can add that to my Thing-To-Do-When-I-Can’t-Sleep list. I don’t actually have one of those either, but I guess I have something to do tonight when I can’t sleep.

  93. Emma, in honor of my friend’s leopard gecko who turned out to be a boy and clearly needed to be named Snoopy thereafter. I was a bit worried that he would be upset by the name switch but everything turned out OK.

  94. Cocalicious Thorazine. Cocalicious in obvious reference to Beyonce and Thorazine so I could sit around singing ‘Thorazine, Dont let the days go by! Thorazine’ set to the tune of ‘Glycerine’ in homage to Gavin Rossdale’s Hair.

  95. I would name him Valfrid, a Swedish name that means “strong or powerful peace” and send him to my best friend from high school. He would be the long distance pen pal to my chicken Sven (pronounced sh-ven) who lives on my bookcase and was given to me by my friend years ago.

    When I visited my friend’s house at Christmas I noticed that it was sadly lacking in chicken influences. Since we’ve traded chicken mementos for years, I see this as a sign that she needs larger chickens with definite personality who her family can not easily store in cupboards.

  97. Bambi, because the name invokes images of sweet, doe eyed cartoon deers and/or large chested blonds who may or may not be strippers. And both of these are the exact opposite of mini metal chicken. Plus my four year old insists on naming almost everything Bambi right now and I’m not sure why.

  98. I think it’s a one-named chicken, for sure. Sting and Flash were the first things that popped into my head. If not that, James Hetfield.

  101. I would name her wheezer. That name reminds me of when I read the Beyonce post to my best friend at work and we were laughing so hard we were just wheezing. It took me 30 minutes to read it outloud because we were laughing so hard. Mostly because that is the kind of stuff we do…while clam diggin’, in tank tops and neoprenes, in 40 degree weather, wearing santa hats, turning cartwheels and yelling merry christmas to everyone on the beach.

  104. I love him! He is outstanding. Therefore I would name him Wilbur because I like the name Wilbur. And I like him.
    Ferris Mewler looks like my Maggie would look if she had pointy ears. She lost the eartips to frostbite 🙁

  105. Weirdest thing, I was thinking about the coke can that made up part of her body here and trying to come up with a name based around that and the odd welding job on her and the name ‘Burnt Toast’ popped into my head. And now I can’t think of another name.

    Also I finally watched fight club tonight. I think that ending counts as a happy one.

  106. If it’s a “he” then he should be named Cogburn, as in Rooster Cogburn(male chicken, get it??), the movie staring John Wayne and Katherine Hepburn, two badass people if there were any. A female would be be Eula Goodnight(Hepburn) who Rooster Cogburn unwillingly teams up with to find the killers of her father. And he/she looks like it was killed and put back together almost indiscriminately, so it’s all perfect.

  107. He looks very distinguished, so I shall call him Nigel. Mind you, I’ve just chosen a name for a mini giant metal chicken based on a (now dead, but not taxidermied) gerbil I had in college. Love.

  108. The pressure to have a witty comment in case I’m picked is huge. I’m sweaty. I would love a beyonce to remind me of our strength and kindness as I fight demons. Demons much like your vampire hunting duckling fights – but less bloody. Just as much quacking though.

  109. I’m torn between Mr. Peanut and Rockefeller, because it looks like he’s got a monocle!

  112. I’m thinking of naming him Duck’s Cousin because my parents have an antique wooden duck decoy named Duck & he has a brother named Duck’s Brother that isn’t a duck at all but some kind of fancy wooden tray & my father always said it was fine because Duck was too stupid to know better. So I think Ducks Cousin would fit in perfectly. I know what you’re thinking, Duck’s Cousin is not only not a duck but also not even wood. We already established Duck is to stupid to knowbetter.

  115. Delilah. Because here in Wales, I’m sure the only person nearly as big as Beyonce HAS to be Tom Jones. Sadly . And then every day when I come home, I can sing “oh, oh, OH, De-LIE-lah “.

    Plus, she looks like a Delilah.

  116. Chester A. Arthur, because 1, I didn’t know we’d had a president named Chester A. Arthur until tonight, and, B, on Wikipedia’s list of president’s of the US, he’s wearing a fur trimmed coat. Chester A. Arthur is a flashy, but small, motherfucker.

  117. I would name him Thursday Last, after the literary detective, Thursday Next in Jasper Fforde’s books, but I would change Next to Last because there can only be one Thursday Next, and maybe because I like to mix it up a bit. P.S. Are you sure it wasn’t for you, and Victor just said you couldn’t keep it?

  118. hmmm, it’s 11:47pm on a school night (so obviously i can’t sleep) and i am having the hardest time coming up with a witty name. i know my husband would be all over it with the best name ever so i guess i’ll wait to share my name tomorrow. But i just had to say that my posse of teachers that i work with would be so flippin excited to get this! We all love you and Beyonce and we have talked about getting our own and passing it around to whoever had a horrible day with the kiddos, or just needs a little MF-ing love.

  119. Oh my god! He’s fantastic. I never call things by their names: Pixie (dog) is Kitten, Izzo (dog) is Mister, Nuggett (dog) is Big Un, and Peaches (cat) was Fatty. I’d have to call him Dickie because his name would be Johnny Cochran!

  120. I can’t help it.

    It has to be done.

    His name is….Captain Jack Harkness. Because he’s a cocky sonofabitch made of pure effing AWESOME.

  121. Well, since I been up all night puking my guts out alongside my five – count them, FIVE – puking children, I think I most deserve to take Colonel Sanders home. He’s my secret recipe.

  122. My sister and I would name him Sir Geyser Bunyan and he would go on mystical quests with us and we would take pictures and send them to you. Like Sir Geyser Bunyan vs. the twin borzoi bozos.

  123. Archduke McRooster Von Fowlencluck. If it makes you feel better, he’d have company. I have a 2 ft. tall metal mariachi band in my garden. There’s a place in Pittsboro, NC that has several hundred random metal stuff..including a chicken that makes Beyonce look like a dwarf..an 8 ft. tall metal giraffe, a donkey, a turtle…whatever you want in the way of colorful metal lawn ornaments…it’s there. There’s also another place in Raleigh with a bunch as well..including little lawn jockey’s riding alligators. Who doesn’t need one of those?!

    I left a chicken on my aunt’s front porch for Christmas with a sign that read, “Merry Cluckin’ Christmas!” That topped last years gift of a pooping gnome.

  125. His name is obviously Napoleon Bonaparte, dont mention his height, as he’s got a sort of short chicken complex…

  127. I’m thinking that chicken looks like a Queen Elizabeth to me. Never abbreviated. It could hang out in my dorm room and freak my roommates out.

  128. I thought it was a girl, until you mentioned ‘him’. If it’s a male, his name would be pancho. If it’s a female, her name would be janice. In either case, the middle name would be shitsnack. I’ve never heard that before reading this, and I’m a fan for life.

  129. I haven’t quite settled on the name yet but it would have to have something to do with blue balls. After all, he is a cock and and half blue..and my other half keeps accusing me of blue balls. So, perhaps it will come to me soon.

    Ah, there we have it: Mr Cojones Azul 😀

  130. You are my new bff! Love reading your stuff. . . . and the chicken. . . . Cluckleberry.

  131. Clearly, it’s Kitty. Kitty, the Metal Chicken. I can’t get past the literalness of the photo.

  132. In case you don’t want to read to the end ..we picked Archibald Henry

    My husband is watching Doctor Who and I keep disrupting him…
    Me: Sorry but this is important. What would you name this Chicken?
    Him: I don’t know …Roberto <–(not what we chose)
    He goes back to watching ..I look through the comments.
    Me: Someone already picked that. I don't like that anyhow.
    Him: …
    Me: What would you name him? (Now sounding a little panicky)
    Him: I don't know.
    I show him the photo again. He turns and looks because he knows if he doesn't I won't leave him alone.
    Him: Henry after my uncle Archibald Henry
    Me: I like Archibald
    I look at the photo again. I turn my computer towards him.
    Me: Does he look like an Archibald? (Now I'm concerned.)
    Him: I think so. (This time he doesn't turn from the TV.)
    Me: Are you sure?
    He finally turns and looks..
    Him: Yeah he looks like an Archibald.
    Me: How do you spell that…

  133. I would name her “Sore Feet Sharp Tail” mainly because my feet are sore and I am drawing a blank at moment. her tail looks sharp also….

  134. The mini-Beyonce? That’s Osbert, obviously. Osbert McNugget the third, in fact. I’m pretty sure he plays the ukulele and is disturbingly addicted to cheese.

  135. I’d have to name her Reginald, but don’t ask why. And she’d be *treasured* at my house. I would even consider a smallish shrine/installation and she’d be the centerpiece. Oh, and I might even take her to work!

  136. He’s obviously Cluck Norris the chicken who can do anything. Including annoy my normally level headed husband who has to put up with my crazy

  137. Snooki Vanderquack. But she adopted Vander as her nickname after that snooki girl from jersey rose to fame.

    Of course then we’ll walk around calling her “Van derrrr?” as if we’re dwarf pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean. (because the ‘d’ is silent) (and the ‘r’ is long).

    >.>
    <.<

  142. If I’m a dancing queen, he can be my Fernando. I will even take him to shows (though we don’t play disco) and send you pictures of his rock star career. (I’m pleased to see you’re already acclimating him to cats. My huge beast is 17 pounds of partly-Maine Coone muscle, so we need metal roosters who can handle it!)

  144. Chickens make me hungry so Id probably name her Fritata Frances or Holly Taco.

    Thank you,
    Casey

  146. I would name him: MystiKal McGee

    I WANT THAT ROOSTER! I don’t know why….I HATE Rooster decorations…..But this, this I would display. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!

  148. so….is this a random selection or a naming contest? señor cock-a-cola deserves a life in san diego is why i am asking…

  149. Formally I’d call him Rufus Wainright, but in my circles he’ll just be known as Rufus the Mini Cock. He’s a smaller but no less of a diva-esque statue of Beyonce the Giant Chicken. I’d even crochet him a scarf to fit the persona. You can just see the smolder in his eyes… or it could be solder… hard to tell with musicians these days.

  150. I would name the chicken Millard Fillmore. No wait obviously that’s a name for a duck. Someone who has a duck bill and is possibly a mallard is definitely a Millard.

    While I think about a more appropriate name I will tell you about the Halloween when my husband refused to tell me his costume idea and I knew from his level of giddiness that I would be unprepared. He had gone to the craft store and bought many doll arms, legs, hands, and heads and put them on a necklace and belt. He went as a “baby hunter” and the doll parts were his trophies, his spoils of war.

    This metal chicken seems a bit hardened by the harsh realities of life, maybe this one is also a slayer, because as you know, into every metal brood a Slayer is born. One chick in all the world, a Chosen One who alone will peck the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. And so I will call this one Beaky the Vampire Pecker.

  152. I would name him Grimly Fiendish. I had a cat with that name once but he died and broke my heart, the bastard. So I would name the metal chicken Grimy Fiendish, in his memory. And also because metal chickens are kind of creepy. Which is a Good Thing.

  153. I would name him “Towels.” Because the Beyonce incident was how I found your site and I’m perverse like that.

    I hope no one else said that already, I skipped all the comments to avoid finding out if someone beat me to it.

  154. Asa G. Candler, like the man who acquired Coke from the inventor Pemberton just as I would like to acquire mini Beyonce from you.

  155. I am extremely jealous of Martin van Buren, you have NO idea.

    and I’d name him Liam Neeson. Obviously.

  157. Not that I expect you to ship him to Ireland, but nevertheless; Joseph Goebbels. Admittedly it’s a more suitable name for an iron-turkey, but where am I going to find one of those??

  158. I would name him Kanye… my metal chicken would strut up to anyone who was “winning” (a bit like charlie sheen but well… not) and tell them they are not winning and are in fact probably losers…. Ok maybe thats mean? but more than likely TRUE…

  160. I would probably call him Lil Motherfucker but LMF for short. He’s awesome!

  163. I would name him Seth. I’d call him Mr. Green, for short.

    Also, if I were to win it, I would send it to Seth Green because HOLY SHIT IT IS A REAL ROBOT CHICKEN.

  166. I would love to give Smadge a home.
    I’m sure you know, but if you don’t, Smadge is short for Sargent Major. We had a live chicken named Tidy Whitey,but changed it to Smadge because she was so very bossy to the other girls. Also, she would announce the arrival of every egg VERY loudly.

  167. Galano Marley Douchy-Douche McFuckerton Gaylord, Esq…

    I’ve already named my hillbilly Appalachian puppy this, but you can never have too many.

    Try it, just kind of rolls off the tongue, huh?

    That, or Kelly Rowland. Because Obviously. (Hello. Smaller than Beyonce, but with her own crazy appeal).

  169. We already have a Rhianna the hedgedogpig statue. I’m thinking she’s be named George RR Martin.

  170. I just read my earlier comment. Apparently, loss of grammar skills is a side effect of my stomach bug. That’s the worst kind! Still, Colonel Sanders would highly improve my life after the hellish night I’ve had!

  171. Lord Ferdinand Cocka-Cola the Third… For obvious reasons. He can replace our Gnome McKraken who was sadly kidnapped for our doorstep the night before we moved out of state. *shakes fists at neighbor kids* WE MISS YOU McKRACKEN!!!

  173. Edward. This rooster/chicken must have the name Edward. Mostly because of the vampire-slaying-taxidermied-duck (sp?). Because yeah, it’s too perfect. I am a Twilight fan, Beyonce fan, *and* lover of all things fowl, including the amazing duck. It just all fits together in my head like it was MEANT TO BE.

    If that doesn’t suffice, I could always name him Jay-Z… 😉 And you know they are having a kid, so I could even stretch it as far as Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward. Or maybe even Be-Zonjay?

    “Edward” is my still my favorite. Snarky enough to be understood by purists, yet obscure enough to befuddle the people who have, sadly, been unexposed to the incredible, insanely, life-changing influence of Beyonce and those like her!!

    PICK ME! Beyonce changed my life…and I would be honored to make sure Edward (or Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward, or even Be-Zonjay) would be prominently featured in many parts of my life and my blog, forever. Amen.

    Seriously, tho, pick me =) You won’t regret it.

    Much love to my favorite blogger,
    K-Z

  174. He looks kinda reggae and about 1/4 to 1/5th the height of a human so…

    …. I hereby present you with Bob Marley the Fifth or Bob Marley V.

  175. I will also give him a Mustache and a Monocle… Because he clearly lacks those and needs them to survive.

  176. If I win the awesome metal chicken, I would name him Edward (if it’s a girl) and Joan The Vampire Slayer (if it’s a boy).
    (I know the chicken has the large tail reminiscent of a rooster, so must be a boy, but what if the chicken is in disguise? Possibly hiding out from the Feds under an assumed identity?)

  177. Oddly enough, I was just thinking about Beyonce today as I went out my front door (at 3pm) and was greeted by the sound of our neighbor’s rooster crowing. We live, quite literally, across the street that defines city limits so the rooster isn’t illegally squatting…as it were. Unfortunately they didn’t have the decency to be good neighbors, like yourself, and buy a 5 ft metal rooster. If they had I would have found a flying pig with which to honor their taste.
    To add to the insanity, we actually need towels but I’d rather have Harvey…he may not be invisible but our “new” towels certainly are! ;D

  178. Me, I’d name him Ernest Borgnine because the name is so, so utterly Borgnoid. My husband said he would name him Wayne Newton. I hope it’s OK that we already have a duck made out of an old frying pan named Rusty. The duck, not the frying pan.

  179. Well my housemate’s called Anna and she would absolutely hate it so I would have to go with… “Perveus, Anna’s-Night-Stalker.”

  182. “Tin Rizzo” because he looks like he’s ready to belt out “There are Worse Things I Could Do” (Like Buy Towels) – the remix.

  184. I’ve long had my name picked out for when I find my own perfect metal chicken- Lady Gaga. Since this one is a wee little chick, maybe I’d go with Baby Gaga, which also works well. What’s weird is I’m indecisive and currently pregnant, and I cant pick a name for my fetus, but I have a name for a metal chicken I dont actually have yet. (Living in the south, there is no shortage of metal chickens around here, but none of them have ever spoken to me.) Also weird is that my friends are currently on a campaign to get me to name said fetus Beyonce. After the metal chicken, of course. So I really need this chicken. It’s fate.

  191. I would name him Tupac!!

    I was crying/laughing reading this tonight. Thanks, I TOTALLY needed that!

  192. I would have to name him Pablo Ocularis, because the first time I saw him all I could think of was that he has three eyes for some reason. Either that or he has some wicked awesome birthmarks.

    I would have to put him on top of our real chicken coop just to watch as people get all upset that a chicken is out, only to realize its just old Pablo messing with their minds.

  193. OMG! I sooo want the metal chicken. My boyfriend would be all “WTF do you have that for? You know the cat will either find a way to hurt himself with it or break it.” and my friends would shit a brick out of jealousy.

  195. Helena Handbasket, because she looks like she has been to hell and back, and who wouldn’t take that trip unless they were offered the basket… She needs love, I’ll start the necessary papers for transfer of custody!

  196. Chance Cluckman. All these Rooster Cogburn references were close, but it’s obvious to me that this chicken is a Hellfighter. He even has his own red suit and metal hat… er… head.

  197. I would name him Bock-Cock Obama, of course! Because it’s a singularly amazing honor to have a metal chicken named after you, duh! Woe betide you if you think that it’s an insult!

    Still I think Joanna #65 should get him for her husband, as much as I want him, and I really, really, want him (I collect Coca Cola tin signs, and this is the loudest one I’ve ever seen!) both to thank them both for their service to this country, and because driving him slowly crazy sounds HYSTERICAL!

    I hope I’m not the only whack-a-doodle who thinks so!

    Mumsi “I need me one-a them chickens” McMullin

  199. Chanticleer.

    Or Clancy (I used to be a bartender, and I had this oversexed 90-year-old customer who used to sexually harass me (although he thought he was just being nice – gah!), and I swore revenge that I would name a dog after him but my husband refuses to get a dog and it’s been 20 years now so I need to wreak my revenge. This rooster reminds me of that Clancy.

  205. I would name him “Baron Franklin Von Cluckenbaum” and proudly display him wearing a top hat and a monocle, because he’s one bad-ass Bond villain of a metal chicken!

  206. Not sure if second thoughts are allowed but the gerbils in my head are not sleeping….and I remembered a story….

    Another name T-MARTIN….in honor of a former boss who called downstairs once upon a time and asked me the question “Do chickens have balls”? (This was back in pre-google times and I was the office trivia person) It was the strangest trivia question I had EVER been asked and I could not stop laughing…..tears down the face…sore belly etc. My dear sweet Mom, who I had been on the phone with at the time, found it hysterical too……so a week later….a beanie baby chicken showed up in the mail with two pom-poms sewed to his nether regions. Sadly, that beanie baby chicken is no longer with us….so a metal chicken named in honor of the question “Do chickens have balls?” seems fitting…..in a very middle of the night kind of way!!!!

  211. I need that metal chicken. I’d call her ‘Beyonce II’ because I don’t have your wit and intelligence, and instead just emulate it. But it’s the most sincere form of flattery, right?

  213. He looks like Camilla and Gonzo’s love child. I mean, really, check out the blue nose! So, hear me pout, GONZ-ILLA!

    It’s perfect.

  214. The thought of a Beyonce like chicken in my house thrills me beyond belief. What would i name him? Probably towels because anyone that knows me knows about your blog post and would see the humor in this. I have to say a metal chicken will be living here within a year if i have my way… in my new produce garden… as soon as i have the funds to make it happen!

  217. OMG, you just made my night. I was all cranky that I’d woken up at 3:00, but now it’s worth it. I LOVE Martin van Buren, and I didn’t think it was possible to think a taxidermied duckling would be appealing and adorable, so you have convinced me. I LOVE the scene. The cross around his neck is perfection.

    I would name the chicken, “Larry King.” Or maybe “Larry King Live.” His facial expression just says Larry King to me. I would also have to give him suspenders, of course. And he could do interviews with all the ripped-apart dog toys that used to look like cute animals. Except the spiders. We stocked up on dog-toy spiders, so only some of them are disemboweled. Larry King could interview several spiders together as members of a death-metal band. This is probably more than you needed to know.

    Thank you so much for not giving away a baby doll head on a spike or on a chain.

  224. I would name it Shaft, because in my head I hear Shaft saying, “cocka-doodle-do, baby,” all smooth and sexy like.

  226. I’ve got two (maybe three?) nameless metal chickens; thievery of two (maybe three?) of these awesome names may occur.

  232. A small Beyonce with a big blue patch? Too easy: Blue Ivy. Or Ivy Blue? What did Human Beyonce name her kid? That name.

  233. I would name him Colonel Sanders and then go get a bucket of KFC (grilled) and eat it in front of him. So he knows who’s boss.

  235. First – Martin Van Buren the Vampire Hunter is awesome. 🙂
    Now, when I saw the chicken (rooster?) the first name that popped into my head was Steven Tyler. So I’m going with that. 🙂

  236. Seeing as your big rooster is Beyonce, I’d have to go with Blue Ivy for this little one. It’s even got a bit of beautiful blue on the tail!

    I love the vamp-chickie!

  238. Clearly, no one is seeing the resemblance of this chicken to Carol Burnett’s character, Mrs. Wiggins. Remember? Tim Conway would be Mr. Tudball, and she would shuffle into his office all blonde bombshell ditzyness, and he’d yell at her for not using the office intercom correctly? Yes? Yes? Ah, I knew you’d see it eventually.

  240. Babyonce (baby- Beyonce) …. or Blue Ivy Carver (not Carter, but Carver – get it? Carve up the Sunday chicken?? ha!)

  241. If I ever get pregnant (i’m 26, I got time), I would have the most awesome time telling people what my baby’s name would be. Dorcas. Eugene. Maynard. Brunhilda. Lillicrap. Ah, I get a bit dreamy-eyed just thinking about the prank potential. No idea what I would actually name a kid- something that wouldn’t get them beaten up, I guess. But for the first 9 months? Free reign. I’d be really serious, and make people politely say how lovely they are — ‘We’ve thought about it for so long, and Renesmee and Sylvespa are just soooo beautiful and MEANGINFUL’…. ‘Atreyu for a boy, Eponnee-Rae for a girl, the Ouiji board helped us out….’ But my favourite prank of all, actually came from my cousin Rick. It’s so awesome, I would buy a pet just to use it. VINYL BAXTER. Vin for short. sigh!

  242. As I already have a mannequin named Gertrude, I’m thinking Harriet would be good. I’m a traditionalist. In a completely non-traditional sort of way. And I totally had zombified baby heads on spikes on my front lawn for Halloween this year. After I tore the limbs off to make ice cubes for my punch. It was amazing.

  244. I think that Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII, as that shiny and rather villainous looking metallic piece of poultry art shall be known, would make a perfect surprise present on my darling girlfriend’s dinner table! She would recoil first in fear, then confusion, but once she got a better look I’m fairly positive she wouldn’t stop giggling with glee for a week. I want the giggling! A whole week of it!

    Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII it is.
    Your stories are wonderful, and my daily internetting is better for having read them. Carry on!

  245. I would name him Larry because I think Larry is a very good name for animals. I had a cat and a hamster named Larry. We called the cat Carl so we would not confuse the hamster. It worked out well.

  246. I had a dream once wherein I owned a chicken named Sherbock Holmes. This chicken might need a jaunty hat to live up to the name, but I’m fairly sure I could make that happen.

  247. The only logical name is Ceyonce. That way when you see the next awesome metal chicken, Victor will HAVE to see the logic of adding Deyonce to the clan. You’ll wind up with a whole metal chicken army and can then take over the world.

  248. CLEARLY his name is Reginald von Drattersben. Also, he hates it when you are too lazy to say his whole name and call him Reg or Reggie. ESPECIALLY Reggie; because his ex-gf called him that. That deceitful wench.

  249. I would name him MC Hammer. I am proficient at beak reading and clearly he is saying “Hammer Time!” And also I work from home, by myself, because I somehow managed to kill off all my other coworkers (Bill Amaryllis and Caliope Cyclamen) and I really need MC Hammer to keep me company.

  251. also @daffodil101 this reminds me of my friend who convinced her mother that if they had a daughter she would be Cli-TOR-is…
    Her mum clearly had no knowledge of female anatomy because she happily told all of her well-to-do friends about the lovely unique name her new granddaughter would have. Of course, they were either all too polite to say anything or had no idea what the love button is because her mother never figured it out and was somewhat disappointed it was a boy.
    They called him Seth.

  253. Had several things that ran thru my mind this morning…however he is obviously a boy chicken and since I am a fan of coffee and not soda, I would name him Juan Valdez.

  254. Before I even saw the picture with the cool pointy claw stick on Harry Poppins feet, I thought this is exactly what I need to store my polka dot umbrella named Jane K. Poke! After all, I never use Ms. Poke and she hasn’t seemed happy rolling around in my floor board waiting to make her rainy day debut. However, she and Harry Poppins can be the star of my passenger seat when I’m driving around (obviously buckled in for safety), and the guardian of my car when I’m parked. After all, Harry Poppins can carefully hold Ms. Poke on his back toes so she can rest, while he furtively stares out from my dashboard for any ne’re-do-wells looking to steal my ten-year-old car (because it’s awesome too). Then on Harry Poppins’ days off–which would be most, since he’s semi-retired–he and Ms. Poke can sit out on my porch or deck and she will finally shine protecting Harry from the sun or rain, as the case may be. Oh, and of course right now, since it’s winter, they would holiday in my living room, of course.

  255. we would call him:

    Metal Fried Chicken of Death

    Evidently my spouse has been thinking on this for a little while, not sure if she is thinking of purchasing her own version of a metal chicken OR just names that would be suitable for a metal chicken…either way, i am purty darn proud of her.
    Also, i think opus (my penguin traveling partner, that way i always have a battle buddy and never go anywhere alone) has been asking for someone to talk to when i am at work.

  259. His name is obviously Kendall Lake after the paranormal hunting Knight of the First Order from “Phantoms and Photographs”. Also, I think he would confuse the heck out of my cat, Briar Rose!

  260. Rachel stole my Erik Northman suggestion, so I’ll go for Hector Coke-Mettle. You don’t have to send it to me as I live waaay up north across the pond. I would definitely put him up as a welcome greeter up on our mountain farm, though. Too bad we don’t have your types of country fairs….I may have to persuade hubby to make me one :p

    Also, I love Daffy the Duckpire Slayer. Cutest duck ebah!

    This post so made my day! 🙂

  262. Well, I name pretty much everything George, including the cell lines I culture in my lab. But I kill those a lot, so at least this George would stay with me and I could love him and pet him and cuddle him… And he’s obviously awesome, so that’d be “George, Lord of the Strut.”

  263. I absolutely love it. I would name her Coco Chanel and call her Cee Cee for short because look at her hair. Thank you for all the chuckles when I absolutely need them. I read your blog all of the time and no not because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

  264. I have been hiding in the bathroom snickering for close to thirty minutes now and have lost one of my legs. Not that it fell off. It just went back to sleep. Anyway, I’d name him Jesus. Then when the Mormon missionaries next door ask I can say for a fact of course we have Jesus in our home. Wanna meet him? Just kidding I don’t talk to those guys, but I would enjoy the joke everytime I saw them.

  265. Noodles Hahn.

    (Noodles Hahn pitched for the Cincinnati Reds in the early 1900s. He was lefthanded. I include that information only because it is extremely important).

    Also, this post made me happy. Thank you.

  266. I’m going with Georges Pompidou
    I’m living in France right now so I’m maybe biased towards a French name…but something about the superior look in the eye combined with the jaunty tail says “Pompidou” to me.

  267. I would name him Prince. Because I stil have a wierd sort of lusting facination for the odd little man left over from my teen years. And because he did perform with Beyonce once and it was fabulous!

  268. I would name him Heidi, because look at him – he is obviously standing at the top of a mountain, yodeling Riiiiiicola!

  269. And I totally almost fell on my head into the bathtub because my mother fucking left leg got bored and went to sleep. Bastard. If your leg can’t have insomnia with you who can?

  270. Elliot Ness. Because the original and the metal chicken version are equal in badassery.

  275. I need a ‘like’ button for #95 Tetanus von Lockjaw – that’s a perfectly awesome name 🙂

  278. I would name that little cutie Gordon Cock after Gordon Ramsay. Clearly he likes to cook… he is IN the kitchen…. WITH UTENSILS! It makes sense being that Gordon is hilarous and a cock ;D

  281. I would name him “His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, Vwindemier Vlandamier, Carl Alexander, Francois Reginald, Lancelot Herman (HERMAN?), Gregory James”.

    But call him Spuds for short.

  282. I, too, would name it Blue. (that was my one rhyme of the day. I only get one. With 4yo twins and 2yo I’m gonna have some ticked off preschoolers when they find out I wasted it here.)

  283. when I first saw him I was all “James Van der Beak!!!!”
    then I read through all the comments and saw that someone else Knew it was the right name, and it warmed the cockles of my heart, even that ever elusive subcocklear area.
    I know others , seeing the proper name already in print, may have felt cock-blocked, but not this gal.
    I have been thoroughly entertained by some of the suggestions and gladly internally commented “that name sucks cock”. So, not to sound cocky but, it really doesn’t matter who wins Mr.Van der Beak, I am happy.

  285. Tiberus or chick filet.

    And I have a baby scale from the 50’s full of baby heads. Why? Because it freaks out my in-laws. In scrabble letters below the scale it says, ” pounds of baby heads”

  286. I’d name him Mijnher Nico van Dusen (and the vampire hunter duck could be Abraham van Duckling). Btw: I looove Ferris Mewler, what a pretty cat….

  287. Matthew McCockaughey – yup, that’s what I’d name him. I mean, he’s from Texas, his brother’s name is Rooster – how could this chicken’s name NOT be Matthew McCockaughey?

  289. I would name it Glarg, which is a real word that means better-than-towels. And by real word, I mean a word I just made up. But all words are made up. So it is a real word.

  293. Coke-Al-Doodle-Hugh. I really hope no-one else came up with this one already… Also do you ship to England? Just asking!

  294. Art Garfunkel, because it’s like Peach Melba, or Steak Diane…you know it’s Art, but it’s Garfunkled, and plus who doesn’t want to sing Bridge Over Troubled Water off key with an awesome MC…that’s metal chicken, not motorcycle club.

  297. Xander Harris clearly ran afoul of some dubious Texas types. He must have flown the coop and flocked to the swap meet. We’d love to have him home here in Fort Worth. 🙂

  298. He’s a gangster rooster named “tiny” who struts around saying cock-a-doodle-WHO,bitch?!? Clearly needs anger management.

    My husband would die if I brought one of these home. He’s constantly saying knock knock mutherfucker. Pretty sure our daughter’s first phrases will include that one.

  302. Martin Van Buren, the tiny vampire hunting dead duckling, is totally adorable.

    And if I win, I’m calling the mini Beyonce “Simon James Alexander Ragsdale the Third.” Or maybe George.

  303. “Circumnavigation.” I’d name it “Circumnavigation.” And not to be funny. Because there’s clearly nothing funny about that name, it’s just what popped into my head first thing this mor ning. (Typos galore. DROID acting haunted. Giving up and clicking Submit.(Pleasethe ignore the

  304. Oddly enough, it is my husband who would love a metal chicken. However, since I do love him and generally want him to be happy, I’ll play!! I would name him Johann Sebastion Buck-Buck!

  306. He shall be named Johnny Cock-ran. I must have him for my sister. I’d say I’m altruistic, but I’m not. My sister bought me a big one for my porch, but I cannot return the favor because her husband is a superintendent – the neighbors might frown on a huge metal chicken on the front porch. So she needs one that is demure and can be hidden next to a tall plant if necessary.

  308. Mister Pipkin who was, heretofore, my invisible friend. Now I believe him to be both visible and, clearly, that very metal bird. And that was intended to mean “That bird right there in those photos who is made of metal and not meat” and not intended to indicate how very metal his music tastes are.

    …

    Mind you he does look pretty darn metal.

  313. I’d name him Jenny and make him read your blog posts to me and hide in the bathroom whenever we have a party. Also we’d have arguments all the time because he’d want to buy ridiculous shit, but I’d always eventually let him win. Obviously, Jenny would be a major improvement in my life.

  322. It looks like a rooster, so I’d name it Jay-Z, natch. Or Blue Ivy if you reckon it’s a girl. It is a baby Beyonce after all…

  323. My brother just had a baby and named him Keele (rhymes with steel). I keep wanting to call the baby Reminton Keele, but I’m afraid if I do they won’t let me near him. So how about Reminton Keele the 2nd?

    XOXOXOX

  325. I would name the chicken Kentucky Fried… Or Tuck for short. And on a different topic, my favorite old swap meet book I ever found was called “How Do You Spank a Porcupine?” I learned that porcupines are feisty critters and don’t make good housepets, but not the best way to punish said feisty porcupine. Book fail.

  327. Frank. He looks like a Frank. And when I get a flying pig to go on his head, the pig’s name will be Wimbley.

  328. Since I’m a New York City girl, I would have to name him Jack McCoy because not only was Law & Order badass, but I think he will properly freak out my doorman when he helps me unload my groceries. Win, win. Or something.

  333. Just read Nikki’s name – Mother Clucker – fucking love it!! She should win.

  334. *bites her lip* Oh my. It’s the time that can only be described as the butt-crack of dawn, I’m suffering from slight, and by slight, I mean “Oh my god, oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” hysteria, and my blogging hero is giving away a miniature Beyonce! Um. Um, um, um um….

    With the high potential that I will rename said metal chicken when it’s not so damn early and I’m not under so much pressure to think… probably “Cher.” Cher seems like a great name for a beautiful, colorful, wonderful metal chicken that totally isn’t towels!

  337. Well obviously I would HAVE to name the apartment sized metal chicken Victor! I mean, come on, if it wasn’t for YOUR Victor, you probably never would have gotten the original Beyonce. It would totally be in honor of Victor, he really should be quite proud that I would give do that for him.

  339. He totally looks like a Fred to me.

    But then I’d have to go searching for his twin George. And then the boyfriend would probably kill me.

    Although…

  340. My evil daughter is planning a Coke inspired room, because what relaxes a child for sleep more than pictures of a CAFFEINATED beverage? I know that she would love Princess Grace of Monaco.

  341. Ave María. That just makes me giggle. Because my family is Jewish and bilingual.

    If I find it male, possibly something containing the word “bandokadonk” , like Neil Rockwell Badonkadonk. A world-renowned biologist, botanist and evolution theorist. He and Darwin loved spitting contests.

  343. I really feel bad for that demon. He’s freaking the fuck out and looks like he needs a hug.

  345. Titty Sprinkles. Because who doesn’t look at that little chicken and not see a dignified mini Morgan Freeman?

  346. I would name him Engleburt. Not sure why but that is the vibe I get. By the way I have got to find me a copy of that corpse book! It will go perfect with my hearse and casket collection. Is it a collection if you have two of each? Anyway how awesome would it look me parked in my 62 caddy hearse Delilah, sitting in the back, Engleburt in the casket and me reading a copy of that book to him? By the way you are my new hero.

  349. Well, that’s Fawkes.. it’s what happens to a phoenix after Dumbledore dies… of course. Glad to have you back in the great state of Texas, Jenny! Nothing like a hill country market to lift your spirits!

  350. You know you and Hailey could be the first to review the corpse book on amazon. And what a steal – they want $7.50 for theirs and they only have 1 left. You are sitting on a goldmine if you decide to resell!

    I would name her Camilla – not for Prince Charles’ girlfriend, but for Gonzo’s girlfriend. That’s because once I had a real chicken and her name was Camilla. This would be like the bones of Camilla the 1st coming back.

    Glad you are back from a stressful week all safe and sound.

  352. I would give him a strong Chamorro name: Kelaguin! And, I would put him out on the front porch so that when all the other roosters on island crow, he’d stand there and stare at them like, “What? Like the sun’s not going up on it’s own!” And, I’d take him to the beach, but I wouldn’t let him out of the car because he’d get rusty and then Sommer would get tetanus because for sure Sommer would want to have a slumber party with Kelaguin and she’d want to hug him, then she’d get scratched by his rusty tail and it would all be my fault. Kelaguin, because sometimes I feel like kelaguin, all chopped up and mixed up.

  355. With his wonky looking eye he looks like the little town drunk/weird guy from every 1950 western. So I’d name him Festus.

    Martin Van Buren’s necklace is killing me.

  356. I would name him Francois and only speak to him in French accents, or little bits of french words, but I don’t know a lot of French… so it wouldn’t be a lot of words, though I do know that Balloon is Balonge!

  357. He shall be called – CoCo, the semi-giant badassedly awesome metal chicken. Obviously…

  363. I WOULD NAME HIM PAUL.

    Because see, I had poultry until some asshole complained to the county about them, and one of them was a black Polish rooster named Paul that someone shipped me all the way from the West Coast, and then he came out of the shipping cage and threw some West Coast gang signs and one of my East Coast hens was all “NUH UH SUCKA!” and plucked his eye out. BUT! He still got along just fine with the one eye and made those hens his BITCHES. Then I had to get rid of my birds and we packed Paul up and sent him several states north to my mother-in-law’s farm, and basically he’s the most well-traveled rooster EVER but I really miss being able to say I have a one-eyed black cock named Paul.

    I wouldn’t even mind that the mini-Beyonce has two eyes. That’s okay. I can PRETEND.

  364. I’d name him “Le-a” pronounced ‘Ledasha’. My stuffed penguin, Shenaynay Sheniqua, is lonely.

  365. Jay-C

    but I worry that he might miss Beyonce.

    And really, this little chicken should be able to live in the shadow of his spouse, just like his namesake

  368. I love Duckie the Vampire Slayer! The only thing better is an indoor Beyonce.

    I would name him Victor because it’s kind of an homage, but also, it would make the real Victor roll his eyes. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making our spouses think we’re just slightly crazy but knowing they love us anyways (or maybe they love us BECAUSE we’re slightly crazy–12 years into my marriage and I haven’t figured that out yet).

  371. Ludwig Von Chickenstein-

    In memory of my brother and I’s late pet cockroach. We found him in our apartment many years ago and through the magic of the Internet determined it was a German cockroach, hence his name: Ludwig Von Roachenstein. RIP, Ludwig.

  372. Because my brain is fried this morning? I would name him Shicken-chit. Too bad you’re not sending Ferris along. My cat needs some competition to get her back in the game in the cuteness department. She’s gotten lazy with the photo-ops lately, mostly doing her “sleeping lump” yoga pose for hours.

  374. That is one bad-ass (small)big metal chicken. I like how he’s all “yeah, I got scorch marks all over, and extra crazy eyes on my head, but I gots a big blue tail, and I ROCK that tail. And that there Ferris Mewler can photo-bomb me all he wants, I’ll just BBQ Fork his ass if he comes near me with those freaky mitts!”

    The Coca-Cola parts remind me of the big puffy sleeves on a certain infamous Clown Sweater, but this guy’s so bad-ass, he even ROCKs that.

    I’d name him EVIL WIL WHEATON, and he’d live on my coffee table, so I could look at him every day and remember where I was when I first saw his bad-ass self.

  375. I would name him Chairman Mao. Not because he looks like Chairman Mao or because I equate chickens with communists, but because I have always wanted a Chinese dwarf hamster named Chairman Mao. However, as you’ve proven with Beyonce, this is much more sensible than a hamster or yes, even towels.

  378. OH MY GOD I WANT A MINI BEYONCE! I would probably name him after someone famous.
    Neil Patrick Harris. I would name him Neil Patrick Harris! Yes.

  381. I happen to have a “thing” for big cocks! He should be sent to a home which will love him and squeeze him and name him George! Sadly, and much to my husbands dismay, this shall be the only cock squeezing and hugging happening in my home! But don’t worry, I will keep George far away from my husband and his jealousy issues. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want a giant colored cock named George!

  382. She needs to live in Western New York…I haven’t seen a single Beyonce up here …yet. I am SO jealous of your Texas “malls”. And she is so obviously Anastasia Beaverhousen.

  383. Cluck Kent. I would even make him a SuperChicken cape for when he flies around town saving babies whose head are on spikes.

  384. Roman Coke is his name.

    I saw your tweet when I woke up in the middle of the night the first time, but waited until the second time to check it. Glad I did. First, I laughed so hard I jolted myself fully awake. And then I spent the next hour trying to remember what I used to hear my sister say when she was referring to “rum and coke. Hence, the rooster is Roman Coke. Hope he is free range.

  385. I would name her Henrietta…
    Because I have a 6 foot blow up mummy named Henry that comes out at Halloween. And my husband would be even more annoyed to see Henrietta on top of our fridge every day other than the two weeks in October he gets to hear “Babe can you turn Henry on?”. For which I snicker because I know in his perverted mind he is thinking something dirty and he is really annoyed at the mention of having to “turn on” a 6 foot blow up Mummy named Henry.

  388. We would love her and keep her in a fish tank and name her Tuna, because they are the chicken of the sea

  389. My broody hen cookie jar (the only thing I kept from my grandmother’s house) really likes the looks of your mini-giant-chicken/rooster. She’s convinced his name is Carlos and he’s going to rescue her from the loneliness and boredom of being without a pre-rusty Latino partner. My DH is out of town, so he can’t even give me funny looks for trying to play matchmaker. This could be our own “while you are out” episode. 🙂

  391. Since my DH got me a crystal clock for our 15th anniversary (I guess that’s the TRADITIONAL gift), I really need that baby Beyonce. I would name him Crystal, in honor of the gift I got instead of the gift I wanted.

  395. I’d name him Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack Obama (cause that’s the noise a chicken sometimes kinda makes, right? Like, “Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaak, baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaak”??)

  399. I’d name this thing Marty McFly, but then again, I want to name everything Marty McFly.

  400. Beulah of course. She would stand guard on my porch and keep the other damn chickens off of it or as my luck will probably have it, invite them on to party!!!

  401. I would name it Ophelia the 2pronged fork wielding grill master. She would need a mate of course, so I would be signing her up with match.com immediately! Hopefully the could find the perfect match based on nine levels of metal compatibility. Some one with a thing for 2prong Gorky thinks, heavy metal music, and wasnt toting around a miniature electric chair.

  404. I name this grande sized metal chicken “KK” (for Knock Knock)

    Or, applying what I imagine might have been your own gut flash of naming instinct with Beyonce: Madonna.

    (I can’t believe I put “gut” and “flash” next to each other. But I’m leaving it.)

  407. If that baby were mine, I would totally name it Richard Simmons. Seriously, is there any diva more deserving of the honor of having a tiny metal cock share their name? Then I could imagine a mini Richard Simmons chicken going all “Work it, girl!” and we would dance to the oldies all through the night!

  408. Chocachola Chicken or Chokey Chicken for short.

    MVB looks really real, obviously since he is a stuffed duck, but also disturbingly like my daughters’ rubber ducky toys.

    Clint

  410. I’m assuming Coke-A-Doodle-Do is to obvious right? But I’d still name it that, mostly because I think it would be really funny to hear my 3 year old say it over and over.

  412. I would name that giant metal chicken Phyllis Diller.

    Those doll head on spikes are bad enough bit the doll heads on chains will haunt me for a long time to come.

  415. I’d name him “That Fucking Metal Chicken” since that’s probably what my husband would call him anyway.

  416. Henry Hitchcock. I was going to go with Alfred Hitchcock, but Henry seemed more appropriate. Maybe I’m just channeling Auntie Em from the numerous viewings of The Wizard of Oz that I’ve had with my 4 year old lately.

  421. So that when I walked by I cold nod and simply go “hey Carl” and pretend that Carl was nodding back at me.

  424. First of all, I love Martin Van Buren. A vampire-hunting duck? That’s only the greatest thing ever.

    Second, I would totally name mini-Beyonce “Fustercluck.”

  426. My chicken would be Bobby Nashville. He wants to be a superstar and has changed his name to reflect his future!

  432. I would have to name her Mother Clucker. And I’m even going to the trouble of dusting off a spot for her. May have to buy a spotlight as well.

  433. One name stands alone for me. Gnarls Chickens, Esquire. He is a barrister. His powdered barrister wig is in the shop. Being re-wigged or something.

    Also, I love you.

  434. I love this. And Martin too. I’m so bad coming up with names but I think I’d name him Snorts because that is what I do when I laugh really hard (like when I read about Beyonce) and because he’s made out of Coke. I’d clean off my bar so he’d have a place to live.

  435. I would name him Doctor and put him next to the mini TARDIS that sits on my counter.

  438. Lola. In the tradition of turning metal rosters into females. And, clearly, she was a showgirl.

  439. I would name him Brini Maxwell. I’ve been waiting to name something Brini Maxwell and this rooster fits the bill. Hee!

  443. I babyBeyonce comes to live with me in Alabama I’ll name him Gerald McChickenbutt and dress him up for seasons & holidays…’cause that’s how we roll down here. In fact, I think the first thing he’d get would be a kilt, to honor his Scottish heritage.

  444. BAH creepy doll heads and coffin. But awwwwwww kitttttttttttty! I’m a sucker for kitty.

    Obviously, I’d name it Sasha Fierce.

  445. Cluck Woolery.

    If that chicken were mine, I would absolutely name him Cluck Woolery. Because my house needs a game show host.

    Under normal circumstances, I tend not to enter blog giveaway thingies like this, as I always feel someone out there probably wants to win more than I do. But because I had a dream last night that I knew and hugged Beyonce in the parking lot of a Hardee’s, I felt compelled to give it a go.

    Xxo.

  446. My neighbors have chickens in their backyard. Not awesome metal chickens, but live chickens. They had a rooster briefly, but were so terrified that other neighbors would complain that they claim they gave him away to a farm, but I think that he is in the great chicken coop in the sky. Back to the live chickens, they occasionally escape and come to visit. I will pull in my driveway to find a gang of mean looking chickens giving me the eyeball. They like to terrorize my cat Nobody. He is an indoor cat and desperately wants to go out to either play with the chickens or eat them. I’m not sure which. I hear them in their chicken language smack talking the cat. It is very ugly. We don’t live in a particularly rural area, mostly I would describe it as suburban hell. If I were to be lucky enough to win the chicken I would name him Rayland Chickvens and give him a water pistol to stand guard at the window to keep the miscreant chickens out of my yard. He would tell them if they crossed the fence he’d have to pull on them and the shooting would be Justified.

    So to summarize Rayland Chickvens.

  447. To find the best name, I’d have to wait until I saw him/her in person….like a new baby.

    Also, my husband will kill me if I win.

  448. Everytime I drive my the giant Beyonce around the corner from my house, I hang my head out the window and scream, “Knock, Knock, Mother Fucker!” I will most likely be arrested one day.
    I would name him CockZ.

  449. I would name him Taylor, because as you can see his gender is ambiguous, and I want him to know that we love him exactly the way he is.

  451. I should be working on a deadline, instead only chicken names in my head:

    Apollo in tribute to your goddess-ish-ness;
    Steven Tyler, because he looks like a screecher too;
    or Spike for short

  453. This would be great, because the only thing my husband would like LESS than a Beyonce the chicken replica would be that I’d have something else to name. He hates that I name things (especially the cars) and then expect him to say “Rambo” instead of “the Rav4.” “The Rav4.” So boring.

    If I had a non-giant metal chicken, I would name him…Culver.

  454. I would name him Alrik Crick III…unless it is a lady rooster, then her name is Francis Crick. Love your cat in the photo. Always wanted a cat named Hematoma…just cause it’s fun to say.

  455. Ethel. For my late, bad-assed saint of a grandmother who ran her farm until the day she died at 86, always picked up hitchhikers and took in strays, and would totally have gotten the big metal chicken movement.

  456. I feel quite certain that my husband would love Reuben Hasselhoff. He’d look so nice in my husband’s office!!

  460. Lord Archibald Farquar known to his friends as Tarquin.

    But I’m in the UK so I guess Tarquin will never be mine. *sob*

  463. Well, I would call it most probably Humperdinck. Or Swarley. But as my phone is called Swarley….maybe not. But definitely humperdinck. Why Humperdinck? Cause well, I always wanted a pet to call that, but as I have dog allergies and my mother has cat allergies I couldnt. But now that I live in my own place, I still cant get a cat if I want my mom to come over….so no pet for us.

    No….wait!!! Swarles Barkley!

  466. If he came to live with me, he would need a German name, so I say Hahnfried Baron von Schnaps.

  469. I’m gonna love him, and hug him, and pet him, and call him George!

    It’s not a particularly original morning for me… 🙂

  470. First off, I LOVE your ducky-the-vampire-slayer scene, and think it would make a lovely October in next year’s calendar.

    Secondly, I’d name him Jay-Z. Let’s be real. We all know that Beyonce is the one who stands tall enough to wear the pants in that relationship. 🙂

  473. If he were mine, his name would be Benedict. He would live on the bookcase next to my green, orange and blue pig statue and secretly judge all who enter our house.

  477. Owe Emm Gee. Too frakkin funny. Just because I’m thinking of Nathan Fillion and twine this morning, I would name the chick Captain Tight Pants. o.O cause… browncoats are shiney

  480. gonna have to go with Prince Popeycock! I think this is Beyonce’s younger brother! 😀

  483. Hmmmm I have grown up with live chickens and always hated naming them cause when they grew up they usually never looked like the name i gave them when they were babies (Sunshine looks more like a speckled poop color now…. Cutie turned into a rooster)

    But this guy I would probably name Fred Rogers (as in Mr. Rogers he looks like a fine neighbor)

  484. I think I’d call him “Amos”. He looks kind of Amos-y. Or maybe “What-the-hell-is-that?”, because that’s what everyone who came over would call him.

  486. I would name him Duncan. And I’m pretty sure my husband would love him, so we’re good there!

  490. Following directions this time:

    I’m going to name her Solange. Beyonce’s younger, slightly less attractive and less famous sister.

  493. Jerome.

    Will he also come with a smaller flying pig on his head? You know, in true Mini-Beyonce fashion?

    Or will we be left to accessorize for ourselves?

  494. I would name him Jubilee. Both my husband and i LOVE beyoncee…. and when i look at Jubilee i would think of my husband, whom i am going to terribly miss while he is deployed.

  497. I don’t need to win a mini-Beyonce, because I’ve been gifted two already, but I had to tell you that the first one is named Mini-Beyonce Davy Jones… which obviously meant that when metal chicken number two arrived I had to name her Solange Micky Dolenz. My husband has also accused me of metal chicken hoarding, but I’m quick to point out that I didn’t buy either of them – they were GIFTS.

  498. I would name him Jane Goodall and gently suggest to him that it is his destiny to befriend the only other animal-shaped item in my room, a plush chimp named Freddie Mercury who lives in a hand-painted masquerade mask my college roommate brought back from Florence.

  500. Brewster the Rooster, because after reading about vampire hunters the first thing that popped into my mind after seeing a rooster was evil Ed from Fright Night taunting Charley Brewster. I would give him a good and loving home near our sachophagus. Unless you feel he would prefer the giant lego people (human sized). True items in my home.

  501. Pasquale. i would name him pasquale and give him a monicle on a chain for him to wear to the opera.

  502. Willie Nelson. As President, Martin Van Buren opposed the annexation of Texas, and I am fairly certain Willie Nelson would not have voted for him.

  504. My husband would absolutely HATE Baby-B.

    HATE him (or her).

    Almost as much as he hates Jon Bon Jovi.

    So for that, I’d definitely have to name him (or her) BUCUUUUUUUCK Bon Jovi.

    Or Jon Bon Cock-a-doodle-doo (JB Cock for short).

    Because torturing my husband with delicious-looking 50-year-old rock-band front-men is just one of the things that keeps me away from the Dewar’s. That, and the over-use of hyphens.

    And I’m not in Austrailia, so you could totally send it to me. I’ll gladly start the Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken for my Aussie friends (and those in New Zealand). Who wouldn’t like to get a surprise little cock in the mail.

    Right?

  505. I have been looking for a Beyonce of my own for ages now. Apparently people of the north are not allowed to own giant metal chickens. Or maybe they just all hate me and are hiding them whenever I’m around. I’m not sure. Either way, I want one so very badly. On the other hand, real live chickens are not uncommon. I’m still trying to convince my husband we need some. So far he has not agreed. Maybe the little guy would be a good way to ease him into the idea. As for a name… not sure, maybe practice chicken or (can you tell how horrible I am at names?) well, I wanted to name him Jenny but he is definitely a boy, rooster to be exact so maybe not. Gah! I hate naming things. Maybe you could name him while he’s staying with you. I’d gladly keep his given name.

  506. His name must be Weenie Cock. A little redundant, but I approve. He would be a celebrity and go on trips with me and have his picture taken everywhere. At the beach in sunglasses with suntan lotion. On the playground swinging (although there his name would be Bangers N. Mash for the kids and because everyone should be able to change their names at will). Best of all, I could take him to the local kink group meetings and all sorts of Dom/sub masochistic photography could ensue. Also, there is a giant chicken nearby whose name is Giant Cock. He could be its tiny boyfriend.

  508. I’ve thought of a few for the Baby Beyonce:

    For a boy: Cluck Norris or Chickabod Crane
    For a girl: Emily Chickenson or Elizabeth Barrett BrownEgg

    or just Clucky Peckmeister

  509. I thought Van Helsing was the vampire killer, not Van Buren but, then again, who am I to question the accuracy of someone who has obviously way too much time on her hands.

  510. So… wait… “Beyonce’s” out, which means I suppose “Beyonce Junior” is off the table… well, if that’s the case, I’d name him Mr Clucktastic–because he’s fucking clucktastic, of *course!*

    Thanks for the laughs, Jenny!

  513. “Victor”. Maybe the honor of having a chicken named after him with get him on board with all of the invaluable treasures you find. Or maybe it will exasperate him more…Oh well, I just thought I’d be neighborly and make the offer. (At least I didn’t want to name a spiked baby head after him, geez!)

    P.S. I just got a txt from Martin Van Buren. He LOVES my idea!

  516. I would name it, Sierra. Not only, is it my name, but it has been the #1 stripper name for years. My parents were forward thinkers.

    Oh, and as long as you place a bottle of Aunt Jamima with the baby dolls on spikes, I’m certain it makes in less horrific and demented. It’s kinda like saying, “Die, die, die, but in a sticky-sweet sorta way.”

  517. I’d name him Lionel Roostie. Also, I need to find places like this in the DFW area.

  518. I can’t help wondering why there is a syrup bottle in the speared doll head display?

  519. I would name him Frank. There’s no funny reason for that, I just think he looks like a Frank.

  520. I would name him Neil Ing.
    He would live on my desk at work and put curses on the person who continually crop dusts outside my cube. He would live on Jelly Belly’s and water. He will love life and bring me much joy.

  522. i would name him Oisin because he looks like the kind of guy a fairy would fall in love with because they all look for that elusive magic in someone — he has the magic of understanding, of not judging, of listening, of being there speechlessly, of caring about your cat as much as you do, of making you laugh, of hearing your tears but not trying to fix you, of just letting you fly when you need to and bringing you back to earth when your wings are tired and you don’t know how to stop — so i would name him Oisin and he would be my friend.

  523. There was a time in my life when I would’ve immediately answered “Bronson Pinchot” but I’ve moved on from that. Since you have a lot of Presidential names happening, I would name this chicken “Bawk! Obama”. Or maybe Phyllis.

  528. Well since this would be a gift for my sister so she can start a “knock knock mother fucker campaign” to cheer up all the sad/depressed people we know, I would have to let her name him. I personally like Harvey but couldn’t come up with anything to go with it. I didn’t want to try to hard already getting attached and he’s not even mine!

  529. I’m torn between two names; I’ll have to get to know his personality before deciding: “Cray-Z” or “Big Chi-CKEN in NYC.”

  530. Mini Beyonce would go perfectly with my 3 foot tall bobble head metal chicken (seriously, his name is Frank and he keeps the ‘witnesses’ and other assorted sales people away from his perch by our front door)! I’d name him ‘beans’ – so I’d have Frank & Beans – but that’s already our dogs name and I’d hate for the chicken to get confused. I think we’d have to keep it simple and call him Napoleon because I’m sure he’s got ‘little chicken’ complex and wants to war on everyone he meets.

  531. I would name him Corndog. A dear friend of mine always wanted a pet Corndog, now I can fulfill her wish.

  533. Doll heads on spikes? Tiny little coffins? Holy crap, where do you live?

    Like the metallic chicken though, he is cute in a tim burton animated stop motion kind of way. Maybe call him Tinny? Or Timmy for Burton?

  535. My immediate response upon seeing him was “Cocka Cola” but I see that someone already beat me to it.

    I would love to give him a home because I have a friend who desperately needs him. Back in the day she shared an apartment with her two lesbian best friends. She decided that they needed more “cock up in this place” and bought them a concrete rooster for the balcony. Sadly he didn’t survive one particularly frigid Illinois winter. (Frigid because he was living with 2 lesbians or the actual weather got cold I’m not sure.) She no longer lives with Ellen & Portia (not their real names) but I know if I were to present her with a legitimate “Bloggess” metal cock she’d die a happy woman.

    Seeing as Cocka Cola is already taken, I’m going with “Fantasia”.

  541. With all the slightly worn & dated style of a drunken housewife in the 50’s (or perhaps out of American Horror Story) that rusty metal chicken’s name is obviously Coco Chanel.

  543. Well, if Beyonce Junior was a flamingo, I’d name it Placido Flamingo. But it isn’t, and I already have a Placido flamingo (who was, incidentally, rescued from a flock of Beyonces in Saint Paul, MN). Junior looks like a lippy chick, so I’ll call him Shaniqua.

  546. My son had a hamster we called Bob Barker. He died this week so I would pass the name on to the chicken!

  547. I’d name him Bartlebee. I pretty much need that baby beyonce. My husband would LOVE it. Well, I assume.

  548. Wow, I was just having an argument with my husband yesterday about towels, I want new giant fluffy ones, but we have plenty of tiny barely used ones we got for our wedding.

  549. Since I was unsuccessful this weekend at convincing my husband to adopt a homeless Coon-Hound named Floyd Patterson, I would name him after old Floyd. Or Salma Hayeck, because my husband loves her boobs, so win win.

  552. Mini Cola Cola Beyonce is pretty damn sweet. I’d guess you could name it something like Polar Bear or Santa or Horrifying Turn of the Century Children.

  553. I’d name the chicken what Prince renamed himself in the 90s. I’d write it here, but my keyboard doesn’t have the symbol.

  554. That is Chester Alan Arthur, just like the guy who went from V.P. to president, after Garfield died. The original Chester Arthur was kind of a tool, except that he started corresponding with some lady, who convinced him that he had it in him to be a really awesome guy and an amazing president. I don’t think his presidency ended up being amazing, but he was at least competent, even though everyone was expecting him to be a total failure. When he was VP, he was a kind of spy for the party bosses, who had selected him for vice president when James Garfield refused to be their Patsy. Thus ends the history lesson for today.

  555. I’d name him Rue. Like from the Hunger Games. He looks like he could out live a bunch of 11-18 year olds trying to kill each other

  557. William Howard Taft. I would take him to happy hour every week with me and send you pictures.

  559. I would name him ‘Jay Z’. He is smaller than Beyonce, and we all know that Beyonce is a bigger super star than Jay-Z.

  561. If she were not a metal chicken, but a metal rooster, he would be Sir Clucks A Lot. Since she is without the gobble thingy, she is a she and as Beyonce’s younger and more refined sister, she would be Adele.

  563. I first wanted to name him Eduardo…but I’m changing it to Antonio Banderas. “Hello, my name is Antonio and I am a not too big, not too small, but just right cock.”

  565. I would name him Napoleon, and he would sit in my dining room and stare at my son, and then my son wouldn’t spend three hours eating breakfast when I’m trying to get everyone ready for school!

  566. We have a history of naming animals after food in our house, so I’d have to go with “Confit.”

    And I’ll just add that my 10th anniversary is coming up, and I see no reason why ten years couldn’t be small metal chickens.

  567. Love, the blog, first time posting. I would name him El Pollo Diablo (Giant Devil Chicken from the Monkey Island games) because god knows there aren’t enough Spanish devil chickens running around this world.

  569. 1. Terrence Jimbob Smith
    2. My husband collects coca-cola stuff and this is the most awesomest thing I’ve ever seen with Coca-Cola on it.
    3. That is all 🙂

  573. Two things:
    1 my five year old says he would name her “sodas” but clearly she is a “Charlotte” which is the name of my non-existant girl child.
    2 WHAT ARE THOSE HEADLIKE THINGS IN THE BACKGROUND??? I have a thing for heads on walls.

  575. Chuck O’Grady. And I would spend too much time trying to get a picture of Chuck on my porch with the seagulls that sometimes hang out there.

  576. “Cocky”, a short rooster with a whole lotta ‘tude. Take a look at that smirk. Did he just swagger a little bit?

  578. I would name the chicken Marlon Brando. Just seems right to me. I don’t have an actual justification or logical explanation for Marlon Brando, I just think it would be awesome to tell people my chicken’s name is Marlon Brando and then have them give me that look. And then I don’t give them any explanation I just hand them some canapes. If I made canapes.

  579. I would love to have him, and I would name him Beaureguard. Idk why, it just popped in my head, lol. He LOOKS like a Beaureguard, doesn’t he?!? Pick me, pick me, lol. Glad you’re still with us Jenny. I love your blog!

  580. Fantastic Mrs. Pickles ! But she goes by her stage name of Lana Turner.

  581. Pepper, as in Dr. Pepper because you know down in Texas they call all sodas “coke” (which he’s wearing) but everyone drinks Dr. Pepper. And also because he looks like he still has a little spice in him and could take someone’s eye out if provoked.

  582. The name Sir Arthur Pennybottom just struck me. He’d go well with my stuffed baby chicken Lord Ferdinand III

  586. It is a tough call. I’m currently debating between Solange + Kelly Rowland. They are both a lot like Beyonce, but will never quite be her.

  587. Harold Tipton. He seems to be held upright by a barbecue fork. And he just looks like a Harold.

  588. OMG! You have the best adventures and find the coolest things!! My hubby gets away with not letting me buy weird things by giving me a set amount of money when we go places I might find weird and cool things. I might have to talk to him about that. I don’t know if you’ve chosen yet, but I’d name the chicken Steven, with a v not a ph because that’s how I roll. 🙂

  592. Holy crap! The scene with dead duckie vampire hunter is AWESOME! I bow to your genius. Cool as all get out 🙂

  593. I would LOVE to have this guy at my house!!!! And the first that comes to mind is simply, Victor. Because any time I hear that name, I think of your poor hubby and the delightful Beyonce.

  595. Reginald Windpipe IV in honor of the traveling dollar-store rooster my cat decided to murder. Although I think this one would be much more difficult to get through airport security…

  596. Love your blog! Can’t wait to get your book! Beyonce Jr would sit proudly on my desk at work as a reminder to all to Pick Your Battles!

  599. that chicken would go in my front flowerbed. next to our Aggie gnome.

    The ckicken would have to be named blue ivy. 😉

  604. With Ferris Mewler in the picture? His name MUST be (Ferris Buehler’s Day Off reference coming): Cameron Crowe!

    OK, I know he’s a rooster and not a crow, but, whatever!

  609. So yesterday I was directed to your blog …And I read about the towels and the chicken and how your husband loves you for your logic, which clearly comes from the other side of the brain as his own logic…and I was like “you’re my hero..”. But then I couldn’t decide if Victor was my hero or you…so I decided it was a draw. Anyway – then you posted about this new mini chicken and I thought – I gotta get me some of that…and then I thought about what would my husband say (or not say) when the UPS guy showed up with a big brown box and we pulled out the bubble wrap and here was our new fireplace ornament/pet (since allergies prevent us from any real pets) and wondered where could I get a nanny-cam for that occasion…….and thought – “would he appreciate me the way Victor appreciates you?”. But then I thought …I’m a renaissance woman like all the rest, master of nothing but good at a lot…and I thought I could use this mascot as a reminder of my renaissance-ness….and to personify that…..I’d name him (I don’t think it’s a her or it’d be made from diet coke cans) CARAVAGGIO – because I wouldn’t want him to be confused witha ninja turtle.

  610. Cluckminster Fuller.
    He would sit on our mantle next to our 4.5 ft aerial bomb (used for testing purposes only) that my other half picked up at an auction last summer.

  614. His name would be Lord James Bertram Pennyfeather, III… and I’d call him “Bertie.”

  616. Obviously. Captain Cock. My Husband would think I’m referring to Star Trek in an offhand way, and um… hello. It’s a metal rooster.

  618. I would name him Lance Girly.
    And you know what? He can live right on my dining room table.
    And we will start a folk band.
    And he will play the auto-harp.
    But I will sing.

  619. I first started following TheBlogess when big metal chicken first arrived. I thought it was hilarious. I would call this new metal chicken Destiny, because it is destined to haunt any and all husbands. And I would make it a towel rack for those cute little hand towels that you are not suppose to use.

  621. Ok, first of all, I NEED more info on the Naked Midget book. Please. And second, I think it’s quite obvious that his name is Alice Cooper.

  622. First, I have to say how much I love the fact that you named your cat Ferris Mewler. As for mini Beyonce, I would name him Clarence Solange Von Cluckmeister. Although I think that just screams out the need for an eyepatch and a bowler hat.

  624. I would name him Cuckoo Cola. I mean, what’s better than a crazy metal chicken that isn’t even afraid of cats???

  625. I would totally name that metal chicken Jay-Z. That way when people come to visit me and the giant metal chicken that is sitting on my dining room table, I can tell them of his music industry prowess and roll my eyes at them when they question why he is living in anti-tropical Nova Scotia instead of living it up in Cali. He is obviously on a mission to discover a deeper meaning for himself and his life. Beyonce is a warm climate and he is suffering for his art in the freezing east coast.

  626. I’d name him Captain Shitsnacks because I really love that you use that word and I feel like I need an excuse to remember it and use it more often.

  627. Shit it’s obvious!
    Chaps McQueen.
    Also any insomnia I may or may not have suffered from has now been aggravated by the visual of baby heads on chains. Spikes I can handle.
    We all have our thresholds.

  630. Frances Cookaramus… or more commonly known as “Frankie the Chick”…. at least, that’s what he calls himself. I tried explaining that you can’t give YOURSELF nicknames, but he’s still trying. Oh well…

  631. Pete. His name is just Pete. (Well, his full name is ‘Just Pete’, but I’d call him just ‘Pete’.) Obviously.

  634. Well of course I would name it Blue after beyonces baby name. Especially since it is a baby Beyonce chicken.
    I just love your blog! Thanks for the morning chuckle!

  636. With Blue Ivy Carter being too obvious, I vote for Destiny’s (rejected) Child. I would never say the rejected part out loud, though. I have respect for the feelings of metal chickens. (which is exactly why I should have her)

  637. I would let my daughter name him. She’s two. When I asked her what she would name the chicken, she laughed maniacally and said “chicken name.” So, he would be Chicken Name.

  639. I would name him Alice B Toklas, because my first thought was Gertrude Stein and from there it got to Dick Stein, because a cock is a cock is a cock, and from there it was a quick step to Alice B Toklas. He can live with my full-sized metal girl goat, Floyd.

  640. I would name it Roger. And he would live in my home office unless he was busy sneaking up on my husband in his.

  646. I would probably name him “Sex Kitten” because I tried calling my boyfriend that yesterday and then he said that I couldn’t make up pet names for him anymore and I’m sad to no longer have a sex kitten.

  648. He looks an awful lot like a Hunter C. Thompson to me. The “C” stands for “Chicken,” of course.

  650. Hector Elizondo.

    My boyfriend and i had a fight on my birthday about whether or not i was allowed to have a Beyonce of my very own. If i win this one, it’s free, which means that it’s like a gift, which means that i HAVE to keep it. Because it would be rude not to. But maybe he’ll make me keep it in the attic and only bring it out when Jenny visits. But Jenny will probably NEVER visit, John, because we live in Massachusetts and she lives in Texas and we have never met! So it’s just going to be in the attic all the time? What’s the point of that?! I can’t believe how he tries to suppress my decorating instincts. Rude. I am so mad at him right now!

  651. Clearly his name should be Napoleon Bonaparte because the resemblance is uncanny. Plus he is mini and the real Napoleon was mini. It is a win win.

  652. I need him. His name is George Clooney, and I am moving because my husband lost his job, but I don’t know where. I have to move from a house to an apartment, and I need George Clooney to sit on my semi-private patio with me so I won’t be lonely. I’m old and I’m tired and I’ve had a really bad year, but that stuff is not for here. Please, George Clooney wants to come and live here with me. Or in Michigan with me, or where ever we end up.

  654. I would name the chicken Joan of Arc. Because on my recent trip to New Orleans during the mule drawn carriage tour I saw Beyonce on a balcony and Joan of Arc.

  655. I would name her Lucille, as in “Luuuucilleeeee, you won’t do your daddys will” and as in, “Oh, Lucielleeee, please come back where you belong” Because Lucielle belongs with me. Here. Duh.

  656. I would name this chicken Ricochet. She looks like she’s been shot at many times, yet survived. Because she’s metal.

  657. Obviously id name him Lord Farquadt…. he seems to have a bit of a “little man” syndrome <3 love it!!

  658. I do believe I’d have to name this rooster Captain Tight Pants as a tribute to Nathan Fillion’s character from Firefly. Or I might just name it Nathan Fillion.

  660. I would love to have a flock of Beyonces in my office. That way, when people come in with stupid problems I have to solve for them, I would at least confuse them first. 🙂

  662. I believe my husband thinks I’m a raving lunatic due to my love of metal chickens. I do this crazy kakkle when we see one and slap him really hard on the leg so he doesn’t miss it 🙂 I’m certain this would be the most awesome Anniversary gift ever (which I would give him, but instantly claim). so I believe the mini chicken should be names
    Sir Clucks alot 🙂

  664. Oh yeah, Beyonce’s hatchling would fit right in here at LeCheese! Giving him a name, though, might take some time…I’d have to live with him awhile to get a feel for personality. Naming a child is SERIOUS business, you know! Can I get back to you on that?

  666. Bucephalus.

    Because my miniature Macedonian conqueror made from Alexander the Grape Otter Pops wrappers needs a steed.

  671. J. Alfred Pru-cock. He would totally part his hair behind and dare to eat a peach. Knock, knock, you poetic motherfucker.

  672. I would name him Luigi. He would make a great friend for my glass chicken, Garth.

  675. Mister McClucken!

    Oddly, my husband is the chicken lover in my house so a win here would be for him. :o)

  679. What I would name the Chicken. Raoul. (Chick-Fillet was a close second in my thinking stage, so now I’m really torn. Raoul Chick-Fillet?)

    As for the duckling, SO CUTE! And this one won’t get eaten by a snapping turtle, either!

  680. Honestly? I look at him and the only name that fits is “Aardvark.” Btw, the size of Ferrish Mewler’s paws kind of throws off the scale a bit.

  682. Digging the hell out of the vampire hunter duck. Makes my vampire rubber duckie squeak in fear!
    If I won the mini Beyonce, I would have to name it Beakermeister Meisterbeaker.
    Good luck picking a winner. There are some fantastic name choices, here. You have very creative fans!
    Welcome back!!!!

  683. As a chicken smaller, not as impressive and clearly jealous of Beyonce and her fame. This chicken’s name is Michelle Williams.

  685. Name the new chicken Mary J Blige. Because the coke is behind her now. Love your posts!

  686. I will call him/her Dr Watson or Mrs Hudson depending on what gender he/she appears to be when I look under those metal skirts. We have a toy stuffed sloth named Sherlock and I believe he is lonely.

    Oh wait, I just realised the chicken looks a bit evil. Let’s go with Moriarty. That seems more like a chicken-y name.

  687. C.M. Cluck, after my favorite WWE wrestler, C.M. Punk. We already refer to out dog, Logan, as C.M. Pup sometimes. 🙂

  688. I had a conversation with my friend the other day where she informed me that she has a chinchilla that humps the washing maching. I then informed her that I was going to get a robot chicken that not only humped the washing maching, but gave it a back rub afterwards. And what is that chickens name you ask? Sir Humps Alot. So you see…I NEED this chicken, otherwise I’m just a boring stay at home mom that dreams of owning metal chickens, and thats awkward for everybody.

  689. Of course, I would name him James K. Yolk.

    Thank you for your consideration.

  691. I would name him Captain Cokin’ Your Chicken. Your is his middle name. Obviously.

  692. Oh and a name? Colonel Claus Van Valkingburg AKA The Colonel, of course. He definitely seems like he has served before.

  696. Hey, I thought i’d toss my head into the hat for this. First I wanted to bring up that I don’t follow you on twitter nor do I read your blog, however I know them well since everyday my wife takes the time to read your posts and tweets to me, for no real special reason except it is a fun way to spend time together, so I submit the name Moriarty P. Cthulhu, both Moriarty and Cthulhu were my last name change suggestions that my wife lovingly ignored when we filled out our marriage paperwork.

    Thanks,
    Justin

  699. I need this chicken. Or rooster. I would name him Rusty. Not because he’s rusty, but because I have a second cousin named Rusty who owns a used car repair/sales place (I got a salvaged Chevy cavalier with a peeling bumper and mismatched doors from him when I was in college), and he calls it “Rusty Used Cars” – no apostrophe s. This little guy reminds me of my dear second cousin, who deserves a namesake.

  700. I would name him Victor Jr. of course. But only because I’d want you to have the pleasure of informing Victor that a metal chicken had been named after him by one of your followers. Plus then I could give him the awesome nickname “Vag”. But don’t give the chicken to me because then you’d have to spend the money to ship Vag to the Czech Republic. That’s money better spent on taxidermied awesomeness.

  702. Cokie Chickenson? (after Cokie Roberts – wasn’t she a person? What a name, right? Cokie? It’s like the nickname Pussy for a girl. Well, Pussy is worse. What are those nicknames short for, anyway? Pussilla? Cokabeth? Alright then, riff over!)

  705. OMG the duck! As a vampire hunter in a top hat! You win the internets.

    Also the mini chicken! <3 It's like Beyonce went and had a baby, so I would name it Blue Ivy. Obviously.

  708. I couldn’t read them all I want to steal many of the above names for some future porpoise…I meant purpose but autocorrect seems to be telling me I need a porpoise.

    Personally, I can’t get Lola Coca-cola or maybe Lola Co-Cola out of my head. And I would totally tell anyone who would listen that The Bloggess sent me Lola for a baby shower gift, except I’m not having a shower cuz this is my second kid and generally people don’t have showers for second kids because you still have all the crap left over from the first time around. But still, that’s what I’d tell people.

  709. Chick’n Korea, obv- he looks like he plays some badass jazz piano…with his feet.

  710. Well, pretty sure I’d name him Gustav since it was my dad’s middle name until he changed it because he was running from the law (true story). It’s ok, he’s been pardoned and his record expunged on account of all the do-gooding but someone in the family needs that name.

  712. As there are currently 544 comments, I’m guessing I don’t have much of a chance. I’m gonna try anyway. His/her name is Carmen Electra. Look at all that makeup! Also, I’m not sure if it’s a girl, or a really good drag queen. So, obviously, Carmen Electra. My husband has forbidden me to get my own Beyonce, which clearly means I have to thwart him somehow. I NEED Carmen Electra, cause then, I can tell my husband, “See, I didn’t BUY a Beyonce…”.

  714. Donald Trump. Le Donald because of the hair and he’s a cocky (hah) little thing.

  716. Is the cattle prod included?

    I would name my mini-beyonce: Lady Belvidere. I would put her outside my front door and she would be my outside butler.

  717. I’d name it Georgia O’Keeffe. And I can’t really explain why….she just seems like a Georgia O’Keeffe.

  718. Since my boy children (and spouse) have to get body noises into EVERYTHING. Sir Fartenpooper!

  720. Emmitt. I was saving the name for a real chicken but my husband refuses to build me a coop. Perhaps a flock of Beyonces will change his mind.

  721. OMFG you won’t believe me, but my friend ACTUALLY TEXTED ME last night with the following statement: “Hello, depression. I need a bit metal rooster… only I am naming it Floyd.”

    So if you give me this chicken, it will go to her to help her with her depression, and it will be named Floyd. So I should win. For the good of mental health.

  723. Mr. Rogers is the perfect name for that rooster. I have a 5 foot blow up dinosaur that I’ve been strategically placing around the house to scare the crap out of my husband (just inside the front door before he comes home late, in the shower, next to his side of the bed, etc.) But now he just expects to see the dinosaur in odd places. Mr. Rogers could be just the thing to put the scare back into this routine – and his smaller size opens up a whole world of possibilities!

  724. I’d name him Rooster Giles. He would be Martin Van Buren’s watcher and would act exasperated when Martin would quip while slaying unsexy vampires.

  727. I would call him George and my husband would roll his eyes that I’ve yet again name an inanimate object in our house.

  730. Holy crap! I only want the Beyonce if the metal fork thingy in the second picture comes with it! I’d name the chicken “kitty”. So obvious!

  732. Grover Capon. Or maybe James K. Yolk. Or Theodore Roostervelt. Chicken A. Arthur? I dunno, I’d need to see him in person first.

  733. First I need to know that Ferris Mueller comes with the chicken. While we’re more dog-lovers in our house, Ferris has such an awesome name and swagger that I think I’m in love.

    And after reading other commenters naming the chicken, nothing could compare with the other options. 🙁 (Sorry, I’m in the middle of a move and have only had one cup of coffee!) However, it just occurred to me he’d make a great Mick Jagger. Although I suspect he may sing better.

  735. I don’t know what his name is because I haven’t met him, yet. He’ll tell me what it is.

  736. I’d name him 867-5309, but I’d call him Jenny for short.

    (That’s not brown-nosing, just a happy coincidence. I’ve always wanted to name someone after that song.)

  737. Aethelfrith Kvinglud. saxon viking names that my son says he is going to name his first born child. male or female.

  738. Caligula.

    He is a reincarnation of the famous “bloody” Roman emperor who killed all the Christians…or is known for doing it whether or not it’s true. Can you imagine a better tool for murder and mayhem and blood running freely through the streets of ancient Rome? or freely through the sands of the Circus Maximus at least.

    I always thought I’d own a snake – Python or Boa – named Caligula, but I now know that I am destined to own the true Caligula – the metal chicken.

    Also, I have the tiniest domicile imaginable, and he’s the perfect size.

  740. Are we naming the duck or the chicken, I’ve forgotten? Are they, like, ‘together’? They’d make a kick-arse vampire slaying team, the rooster could peck vampires in the eyes to distract them while ole Fluffy D Duck stakes ’em.
    The duck should therefore either be Count Duckula (a UK kids cartoon from the 1980s, awesomesauce), or Fluffy D Vampire Slayer. He’s toooooo cute! The rooster should be called Code Blue (or Coke Blue, maybe). No idea why, it just popped into my head.
    I’m actually a little traumatised that someone taxidermied that duckling – I’ve got an Indian Runner duck called Rosie who thinks she’s a chicken (long story), and there’s NO WAY I can show this to her – won’t somebody think of the children?!

  741. I’d really like to hear more about why, exactly, you had the mini coffin and all the accoutrement for that tableau already.

    Ferris likes to photobomb a lot, doesn’t he? Typical cat!

  742. I’d have to go with Hannibal. Just because it seems like a totally badass name that would strike fear into the hearts of anyone who saw it. Maybe it would help keep the kids off my lawn.

  743. If I were given this tiny metal chicken, I would dub it Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside. He’s a southern gentleman Rooster

  744. Frederick VonChickenstein of course. And I’d keep him on my desk in my lab so that no one would mess with my shit, because I have the perfect mini-saber that would sit by his side to fuck anyone up that attempted to touch anything. Glorious.

  745. I love the baby duck vampire hunter scene. I think I need that. In fact, even though you have about a bajillion other things going on, you clearly have a future as a disturbing miniature scene artist.

    For real.

    Oh, and I’d name ‘lil metal chicken Snizzle Snit. Which isn’t a very good name, but there are 550 comments ahead of me and I don’t have time to check and see if my original idea was already taken.

  751. I would totally name it Monsieur Butt-Wiggle because I don’t know, I just keep having butt-wiggle pop into my head lately and I mean come on, if any metal chicken statue would wiggle it’s but it’s that one.

    Just look at it’s smug expression.
    It’s basically saying “Yeah. Look at my butt. It’s wiggling. Yeeeaaah. Llllladies?”

  753. Definitely Dean Martin as it’s clear to see how suave and debonair he would be if it wasn’t for smoke rings around his lips and eyes. Hey, someone give me a martini!

  754. Well..I’m thinking there’s only one way to go. Since Beyonce (the human) is an aging rock star, and supposing that most – if not all – metal chickens are made out of aging metal, I see only one way to go.

    Madonna.

  756. Ohh! I need a mini-metal chicken! I think his name should be Dr. Cockenstein…he has a mad scientist look to him.

  758. I would name that Beyonce “Chick Corea,” and give him to my husband who mentions twice a week that I didn’t get him Chick Corea tickets for his last birthday (” I really would have liked to see Chick Corea. Wouldn’t it have been fun to see Chick Corea? Chick Corea’s great! I’d love to see Chick Corea.”)
    And then I’d say, “HERE, HERE’S YOUR DAMN CHICK COREA!!! ENJOY LOOKING AT IT!”
    Thank you.

  760. I’d call him Mr. Miyagi because he kind of looks like he might be good at karate, but what the fuck do I know?

  762. So I guess I’m not that creative because my first thought was “Cock-a-Cola” like the 600 people before me. So instead, I would name him “Have You Met My Cock” because then I could tell people, “Have you met my Have You Met My Cock” and they would think I had a weird repeating disorder in addition to a weird chicken fetish. I would also put it in my fiancé’s office so that when I introduced Have You Met My Cock and pointed at him sitting next to my fiancé, I could totally call people out for being such a dirty bird when they give me astonished looks.

  764. Oh.my.god. That duckling is adorable. And I never thought I’d say that about a deceased animal but there you have it. Anywho, I would name mini-Beyonce Cluck Norris because he is full off bad-assery.

  767. I would name him Adam, and he could be the first of many metal chickens to come…..

  769. I just want to thank you for using the phrase “you guys” when speaking for your cat. Because my dog, Fred, says “you guys” all the time. His voice sounds exactly like Carl from Slingblade and when we’re running late after work he sits in the window and says things like, “What the fuck, you guys? I really have to pee.” (But, obviously, that is just what my husband and I pretend he is saying when we drive up and see his little face in the window. Because are aware that dogs don’t really talk. I guess.)

  770. I love the duck and the hat is perfect for him.

    I would name the rooster – Count Cluckinstein from Clucksylvania.

  771. Love you Jenny. I would name him Cedric Von Cockmeister, just because I could. He looks awesome.

  772. Jay Z of course. He schrivels in the presence of Beyonce! (and when I win can I have the picture of Ferris photobombing Jay?) k tx bai

  773. Delightful! This post made up for the crappiest week ever, brought to me by Seattle Ice Storm-ageddon 2012. Thanks for the smiles.

    I would name him Colonel Sanders, officially, but probably just call him Little Cock, because that’s what he is and because it makes me giggle.

  774. I *love* the vampire hunting duckling! I would absolute name him Thomas Jefferson.

  775. Blue Ivy of course! It’s obviously Beyonce’s baby.
    OR
    CUDLES. short for: cannibalistic-chicken (who is an) underground dweller longing (for) every Sagga-Muffin (aka-saggy people like myself)
    OR
    Albert Chickenstein
    OR
    Umpa Lumpa Blue (since he is a midget…little chicken I mean compared to Beyonce)
    OR
    Blossom Von Blue

  776. I forgot to add that, of course, I would have a monocle with a cool little brass chain for him. And add a cravat.

  779. This mini-Beyonce would look great with my grey tabby because my cat is every bit as badass as Ferris Mewler (except he doesn’t take down Christmas trees. Yet.). And my cat would rub his schnoz all over it. I would name the chicken Coco because a) he’s a redhead and b) it’s short for Coca-Cola.

    (And the vampire-hunting Mr. Van Buren totally kicks ass).

  782. I would name him Connor MacCloud of the Clan MacCloud. He would join my dog, Duncan MacCloud of the Clan MacCloud.

  785. Definitely looks like a Marley to me…something about him screams reggae and I can’t explain it.

  786. He really looks like an Oscar… Oscar WIld (without the “e” so as to avoid confusion)

  787. LOVE LOVE LOVE this chicken. She totally look like Peachtree to me… Her Coca-cola body reminds me of Atlanta and the gazillion Peachtree streets 🙂 My daughter and I were shopping this weekend and came across a small chicken. She was nowhere near as cool as the one you found!

  788. Ever since we read your original post about Beyonce, my friend Denise has *desperately* wanted a metal chicken, but her husband Ian is a Scottish engineer (like actually from Scotland) and every time we bring up the possibility of driving to Brenham to get a chicken, he gives us this look that Denise describes as “stony faced” and stops talking to us. Anyway, we just celebrated Burns’ Night at their house, which is this celebration where we all eat haggis and read poems and sing songs and dance Scottish country dances, and then Ian recites “Tam O’Shanter” from memory, so I figure he can’t possibly refuse a metal chicken if (a) it’s smaller than Finley the Maine Coon cat and (b) its name is Robert Burns.

  789. Gilda…I think it looks like a Gilda…no clothes though…I think Gilda would like being naked…

  790. I’m tempted to go with “Blue Ivy” for the name, for obvious reasons, but I’m going to have to go with Clive instead. Just looks like a Clive to me, not sure why.

  794. This Beyonce has attitude, I think Shaunte would work very well. I can just imagine her cruising up the street with her big purse full of bedazzled accessories to sell on the corner. Friends get a discount.

  797. I so totally adore you! Wish you lived next door! I already have a small metal chicken some friends gave me for my birthday that I named JayZ so I think I would just name this one Bert.

  802. I shall name him Sir Sigmund Freud. Siggy for short. And I have the perfect ledge for him to perch and observe my family’s psychosis. O.o

  804. I would name him Dr. Charles Forbin. Additionally, for me and everyone else who doesn’t win – I was just at Homegoods in Clearwater Florida last night and they have several apartment size Beyonces for about $40 a piece. I think it’s because of you, Jenny. They also have dogs, fire-hydrants and pigs with wings. I almost bought one – but I stocked up on St. Patrick’s decorations instead – because it’s my people’s holiday.

  805. I have to say that Captain Jack Harkness was already mentioned, but I must agree to that name as well. It is so perfect it makes my eyelashes hurt.

  806. This is the first time I’ve read your blog and so have never seen Ferris Mewler’s paws before. They are very impressive. He makes my two furry little lads (cats, not hirsute children) look like dainty ballet dancers. They will not be pleased.

  807. Is Boo-Hivey taken?

    Is it too soon to make fun of Beyonce’s Mini’s Name? Jay-Z maybe?

    Or maybe just Rin-Tin-Tin?

  808. I would name him Sir Digby Chicken Ceasar but only because the first name that sprang to mind (and what are the odds here) was already taken: Benedict Roosterbatch.

  809. I would name him Jonah…I don’t know why, he just looks like a Jonah to me. (Was going to name him Bowie at first, but it didn’t seem fitting)

  811. Bethany the Martian’s name: Benedict Roosterbatch is hands down the best. I can’t compete with that!

  813. Well, my giant metal chicken is Orville Chickenbawker (yes he has a Facebook page but only like 8 fans so he’s lame) so that name is taken.
    How about Fabio?
    Dicky the chicky?
    I’m terrible with names.

  815. It’s beautiful! If I found a flock of Beyonces’ I would’ve swooped that one up.

  816. Clearly, this chicken should be named Janet Jackson; check out her “Control” era headgear.

  818. I’m sitting in a bistro called The Blue Talon while reading this post (I should be working). It’s filled with chickens of all types. He’d feel so welcomed. So, feeling the love of chickens, but completely uninspired with names, I’d have to go with “Blue Tail-on.”

  819. I need to join in the chorus of “There are no Beyonces anywhere near me”…which is ridiculous, because I live just a short drive outside of real life farm-ville. And what better place for a metal chicken than on a farm? We should have a huge market for these things! Then again….maybe the reason I never see them is because they are sold out of them everywhere I go.

    Anyway. I need this little guy. I really do. Because if I ever find one to buy myself, my fiancé will probably kill me but if I tell him I won it, how can he protest that? You can’t make someone get rid of something they WON. That’s just mean. But the real reason I need him is because said fiancé was protesting last night that we had too many towels and said to me “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“. Because that’s as far as he got in the real Beyonce story before he shook his head and closed the browser. I keep telling him that he needs to read the whole story because really, who stops after reading only 2 paragraphs? I’m hoping that having a real metal chicken in our apartment will motivate him to read the history of Beyonce. Plus, we’re getting married and I haven’t been able to find anywhere that has giant metal chickens available to add to our registry and this would make the most amazing wedding present.

    Oh yeah, and I’d name him Barney Stinson. Because he’s awesome. (Or Chicken Cordon Bleu….because that is apparently, the last thing I pinned on pinterest. Did you know that Chicken Cordon Bleu translates to Blue Ribbon Chicken? I’d definitely give Barney Stinson a blue ribbon. He totally deserves it.)

  821. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop* Y’all-Jealous** Do’nut*** Ashole****.

    * Obvious reasons. Duh
    ** Doctor friend of a friend delivered a baby named this. For real.
    ***Because putting the apostrophe in it changes it from a pastry to Do-nae. A lady at the post office told me so.
    **** Because it would be fun to see someone struggle with this. Is it asshole? Is it a-shole? Ash-ole? Is the e silent?

    But mostly, if I had this rooster, I wouldn’t name my next baby that name. Because SOMETHING in my house is getting named this. But if I get the rooster, you’ll be saving a baby. YOU’D BE A FUCKING HERO.

  822. Jamie Fox- both because I think it would be great to have the entire cast of Dreamgirls in Metal chicken form (think if the musical you could make if you found metal-chicken-jennifer-hudson!) AND because a metal chicken with the last name of Fox makes him that much more interesting.

  823. Reginald Humpstacks, III.
    I’m sure he’d enjoy the company of my neighbor’s backyard chickens. I’d position him on the fence between our yards so he can keep an eye on those biddies.

  827. SHUT UP! I JUST texted my friend Sarah last night that I needed a metal rooster named Floyd! AND THERE HE IS! If you give him to me…or her…he will have the best life! We will randomly leave him in each other’s yards, kitchens, marital beds, etc. He may, or may not get a wardrobe too…for holidays. It will make both of our husbands fracking CRAZY and will be so awesome there are not words. He MIGHT even get a summer trip to the beach…if I can sneak a metal chicken into the car without Mr. McPacks the Van catching on. And it would be so good for my mental health…which could use a pick me up. 🙂 Thanks in advance!

  829. He would be Bartholomew the not-quite-as-giant-as-Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken… chicken.

  830. I was just thinking, “One thing would make my life complete. A metal chicken named Madame Chuggles.” Because, you know, “Madame” is a kind of creepy gothic title, and “Chuggles” is just silly, so it’s the perfect combination.

  832. Cornelius Corchoran…that’s his future name. It’s the name of the longest serving MIlwaukee Alderman (40 years!) who is commemorated by this grandfather clock I have to point out with every tour of City Hall I give (for my job). What’s worse is, I try to joke about “Ol’ Corny” and very few tourists get it. Perhaps this as visual aide would be helpful? I WANT TO WIN IT!

    There is also an arm-perchable rooster we use in an interactive theater production I’m part of in the summer. His name is Hennepin Cockadoo, but we call him “Henny Cockadoo” for short. He wears an eye patch and instead of properly referring to him as a mono-sighted rooster, he’s simply our One-eyed Cock. 🙂

    Corny or Henny, you choose, but he’s MINE! 🙂 🙂

  835. My 5′ metal rooster, Norman (who I HAD to have after reading Beyonce’s story), is looking for a friend. Well, actually he was looking for a bride but a friend will do!

    We would name him Billy Ray because I have a whole On Golden Pond theme going on.

  837. I just keep getting Engeldinck Bergerhump. In honor of my grandmother. It’s an old story.

  839. “Bad-ass Lil HOV” – it was the first thing I thought of when I saw the mini Beyonce – i wish I didn’t know the lyrics to the BIC song, but sadly they keeps playing in my head.

  840. All of you have it wrong! His name is Johny Cockran but that is after the sex change since obviously Ferris is attracted to his hint of feminism. Ferris is a straight up player like that, as we all know.

  842. I would name this glorious piece of metal sculpture Mona Lisa, simply for the fact that my 8 year old is TERRIFIED of the Mona Lisa painting and I think it would by HYSTERICAL to announce to him that I won the Mona Lisa and when I opened the package as he ran screaming from the room, this glorious metal chicken would emerge to haunt him for the rest of his childhood simply because of her name. Please don’t call DCF on me. LOL 🙂

  844. I’d name him “Towels”.

    “What the hell is THAT?”
    “His name is Towels.”
    “Why do you have a miniature giant chicken named Towels?”
    “At least is’s not towels. ”
    “But you just said it IS Towels!”
    “EXACTLY. ”
    “… I hate you”

    It’ll be great.

  847. OMG I LOVE that chicken. Seriously. Mostly I chuckle quietly to myself as I ignore my students about the love of Beyonce and how she shows up and such. BUT this chicken would be Bob Marley because Bob Marley always makes me smile and feel good about life, and THAT Pepsi-winged, multi-colored chicken does the same thing.

    I am buying a house and I would decorate my home AROUND THAT CHICKEN. And send pictures.

  848. ok, now I want a stuffed chick.
    Also, I think I would name it Froderick the Great. he would make a great pet for the kids at work, I think.

  850. I can’t actually think of anything as creative as all of the previous posters. I just wanted to tell you that you rock. Also, that I inhaled my coffee straight through my nose when I read, “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”. 🙂 Exactly.

  852. My daughter names all of her new friends Alec Burg. So we would have to name Mommy’s new friend Mrs. Alec Burg.

  855. Philip…and he’s a duke, obviously, so I would properly address him as His Grace, Sir Philip, the Duke of Duckington.

  856. Oops, in reading ‘now’ – – I see that Morgan had already gone for Solange . Mea culpa

  857. I’m I the only one thinking it needs to be Blue Ivy?

    Love love love Martin, he is totally scary (maybe for both your’s and Victor’s reasons though)

  858. I would love to have a mini metal chicken of my very own. I would name him Colonel Plucker. He’d be highest ranking chicken in the military.

  860. Okay, did I just say within the last post or so that you needed to find a baby Beyonce? (I did-look it up!) Anyway, since Blue Ivy is perfect but obviously has already been tried by a few other posters I think she will be …wait for it-
    TiFFany
    Because this post, you, and all the comments on here are just TFF (Too fucking funny!) Hence TiFFany (spelled like that please) is her name.

  861. His name is OBVIOUSLY Jerónimo Morejón Girón-Moctezuma, 3rd Marquis de las Amarillas. Because the chicken just screams to me “blundering, eighteenth century, Spanish general”. What, just me?

  862. Since the metal chicken is obviously a rooster, I think Charles Bronson would be very appropriate.

  863. My first thought is to name him Saddam Hussein. During the first Gulf War, my grandparents had the meanest rooster. As soon as we got near him, he would try to eat us…probably not really eat us, but that’s what it felt like when he went after our feet. We didn’t go collect chicken eggs without a two-foot mop to beat him back with. My grandfather named him Saddam Hussein, because he was so evil. The rooster was evil, not my grandfather. While I abhor animal cruelty, whacking a possessed rooster with a mini-mop in self defense is justifiable. Yelling “Leave me alone, Saddam Hussein” while doing so seems even more appropriate.
    However, I’d probably just call this little guy Cola Cock.

  866. I would go with Solange – aka the little sister of Beyonce. Aka – The basement baby and lackluster wee-one of the Knowles family. She’s got amazing qualities (probably?), but really she’s the pint size, wanna-be version of her mega-watt sister. And seeing as this is an apartment size version (of which I desperately need) it only seems appropriate to give her a second rung name to the Original Beyonce.
    And plus – after my months of Beyonce references, my fiance is siding with Victor – and I feel a moral obligation to obtain a “apartment sized” metal shiv of a chicken and ruin his life. Boy, I’m sure he’s excited to marry me!!
    ~Megan
    @CountryCleaver

  867. Is that a cattle prod or a meat thermometer?

    Also, either of those would be my choice. Perhaps spliced together.

  868. It was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a fork.

    Definitely a Colonel Mustard (with the monocle and all).

  869. I think I would name her Lady Beatrice… because, she has the kind of quiet dignity you so rarely see in metal chickens these days.

  872. Jabberwocky. I don’t know why, he just looked like a Jabberwocky to me. And I haven’t read through the 800 some comments ahead of me, so if someone else also said that, it’s just proof that it’s his real name.

  873. Alli-Kona from the Own-A Island tribe off the coast of Buchanan’s in the Kentucky Lake.

  874. I would love her and squeeze him and name her…
    Jenny Von Fancypants Jr.

    Even though girls can’t be Jr.’s, but just becuase I think they should be allowed to be.

  877. Buster McTailFeathers because “Don’t You DARE Enter That Contest, I Don’t Want That Chicken In My House!” is too long and would only cause the Mister to have a mental break down if he says stuff like that and I win contests for totally epic metal chickens every time he said those words…

  878. Lets see, I think I will call him Sardo Numspa from one of my favorite movies, The Golden Child or Hanky Panky McSpanky esquire the third because he will be my official legal council.

  879. The name Rufus came to mind when I saw him. If you give it to me I’ll buy him a mate and call her, Chaka Kahn. I absolutely love your mind and how it works, by the way. Huge fan!

  880. Please tell me you found all of the dismembered dolls in Fredericksburg. We go to the trade days in Fredericksburg and there is a vendor who has an entire section very similar to the photos you have posted.

  881. OMG! Clive Vanderbilt! I have no reason why other than the fact that he looks like a Clive and a Vanderbilt. Please pick me, Husband was shocked that I returned from 1st Monday in Canton with an armadillo and NOT a giant metal chicken…It was my girl friends fault, there were four of us and they all insisted on buying things so a giant metal chicken for the back yard to scare the dogs wouldn’t fit in the back of the car. :0( They don’t even bark at the armadillo.

  882. Oh PLEASE let me win a baby beyonce metal chicken—so I can give it to my husband and tell him it was from you.
    anyway–I would name it Baby.

  883. you tell me. you see, i’d be so grateful to have this glorious assemblage of upcycled treasures in my home that i’d call it whateverthehell you told me to. and thats the best part. YOU would get to use your wildly clever naming skills ONCE AGAIN. c’mon. i now you want too.

    either that or ‘Rasputin; Duchy of Florence.’

  884. I’d name it Albert. You know, like Einstein, but with more metal in it. Because who wouldn’t want a metal chicken named Albert? Seriously, it’s classy.
    But I do need to buy more towels for the house…

  885. She looks like a “Ginger Ale” to me . 🙂 While I keep telling my husband we need new towels, to which he retorts “New pillows for the bed first” I do believe he would be happy with a Ginger Ale in the kitchen…or maybe the bathroom, in place of the towels.

    Love your blog- thank you for the laughter and reminder to stay silly and keep life interesting. 🙂

  886. Torn between Mr. Bojangles (‘cuz he’s a little country) and Chuck Norris (‘cuz he’s a bad ass)

  887. I would name him Basil. Because that’s his name, I’m not making this up. First of all, he told me. And secondly, just look at him! He’s also clearly, French. Basil has a very serious name because he’s a very serious man, with a tortured soul and a sketchy past and needs a good home with people who “get” him. This is me. Basil and I will spend many hours bonding in a place he can heal.

  889. My daughter’s godmother painted a carousel horse for her bedroom for her 1st birthday, and I named him Sir Whimsy of Reigate, so I would name the chicken Madame Cluckville, just because… I think they go well together. And when my daughter is older she will love them as much as I do, as long as she inherit random insanity.

  890. OMG, I have to have this!! My bff and I have been searching for our own “Beyonce” since we read your post, and died laughing as we reminisced over a scenario of our own Beyonce discovery that never happened!! (There may have been some rum involved…and some narcolepsy meds on her part) I shall name him Mr Papagiorgio, and (after we have a 10 minute conversation that includes nothing but hysterical laughter, after he surprises her on her door step) I will put him right on the corner of my driveway so he can happily greet my husband EVERY day! Oh, I am already excited!! 🙂

  894. Well, I’d name him Arthur van Leeuwen, but to his friends, he’d be known as “Jenny”. duh.

  898. My 5-year-old insists we name him McCole, which is also the name of her imaginary friend. Things might get confusing.

  899. Calvin Dingleberry III immediately came to mind. Don’t ask me why/how – it’s a process. Or not.

  901. His name would be Crack-A-Doodle-Doo! Why you may ask…because he’s a freekin’ cheekin’ (a doodle doo) and he’s part Coke can (coke…crack…get it). Okay, I’ll go away now…

  906. I would name him Gary Coleman because he may be short in stature, but not in personality. Then I could run around saying “whatchyoutalkingabout Willis?”

  907. I would name him Beneussus. My dad has always been trying to name a pet or something Beneussus since I was little, but he always gets out voted….and I would give this to him as a gift and he would never understand. Or I would give it to my friend, cuz she WOULD understand. Or I would keep it.

  908. OMG! I neeeeeeeeeed a smallish giant metal chicken! I would name him (’cause it’s obviously a ‘him’) Senior Chicken Chimichanga Bordeaux-Smith Esq., because he is also obviously very distinguished and would go great with guacamole.

  910. I’d probably HAVE to name him Rupert B. Wallaby.Maybe even get all fancy and toss on “the third” to improve his social status amongst the other metal chickens who are larger and more intimidating.

  911. Just thought that if I name it Albert, I could also call it Albie. Which reminds me of the song “Albie, the racist dragon” by Flight of the Conchords. Then I can say things like “Albert, stop being Albie and go make me some coffee.”
    I’d also put Albert by the door, to greet everyone. It’d be awesome!

  915. Do you watch Oddities on Discovery Channel? They had the cutest freeze-dried, two faced pig and I thought of you. Not that I’m accusing you of being a pig, or, of having two faces. Although having two faces could come in handy. You could show the ‘I’m not thinking about buying taxidermy’ face to Victor, while secretly negotiating the purchase of another once-alive, forever-adorable creation with the other.

    Also, I’m calling the chicken Millard Fillmore

  916. His name is Lord Thomas Cluckcluck of Bath. We call him Bill for short. He is obviously British as can be seen by his languid hooded eyes and supercilious expression; a look that can only be successfully adopted by the aristocracy. Whatever happened to his quizzing glass I wonder. It must be replaced post haste as one shall not be seen in public without ones quizzing glass.

    Lord Cluckcluck and Pedro (the Mexican metal chicken who lives on the porch and fancies himself to be Erik Estrada after watching too much daytime drama on Univision) will be fast friends I am sure.

  917. I’d name him James Etta, rather than Etta James (the Beyonce connection, you see), and would be tempted to ask, with frequency, Et tu, James? 🙂

  920. And by ‘Senior’, I obviously mean ‘Señor’. But it’s early, so I can’t spell. If only I had a metal chicken, I’m sure my spelling would improve darmaticlaly.

  921. I would have to say B.I.C- Blue Ivy Cola (since there is cola on the body) and it IS a baby Beyonce.

  922. I dub thee rooster: Cornelius Leopold Bumpus (with a last name like Bumpus it can’t help but be a funky chicken).

  924. Emily Morgan, the Yellow Rose of Texas.

    Because she’s got yellow paint, she’s from Texas and metal chicken sculptures are like historically dubious stories: not particularly accurate but still made of awesome.

  927. Pico de Gallo! The literal translation is “mouth of the rooster” and pico de gallo is a spicy condiment, and that is one spicy chicken. And it’s a smaller version of Beyonce, so a “condiment” if you will, plus I’d put him on my kitchen table next to the salt and pepper! Except for chicken night, cause that’s just wrong, and also Pico might try and kill the already killed chicken on our plates, confusing it for zombie chickens. And that would be awkward cause my husband would get angry and be all, “dammit Pico! I was planning to eat that chicken!”

  929. Bob… I think he looks like a Bob

    And the vampire slaying duck is fu**ing awesome

  930. I would name him Cher both because he is a gender bending Diva and because you are “Cher”ing him with one of us. I would live him and keep him and proudly proclaim that at least he’s “not towels” and watch as fiance scratches his head wondering about my sanity LOL.

  933. I’d name the little Beyonce Amy, after my amazing office mate who gave me one of your Beyonce chicken cards for Christmas. And she makes my day brighter in general. I would keep Amy in our office, although since 2 Amy’s might confuse people I guess I could call the chicken “little Amy.”

  936. I would name the rooster “Cockatrice.”

    And giggle a lot.

    I will now go stalk your store until Martin Van Buren appears on a greeting card of his very own.

    (“Stalking the Duckie” is my new band name.)

  940. no name suggestions, however, where on earth did the two pronged huge fork appear from in the second pic? Did Ferris sneak it in? If so you might want to worry. lol and this post goes hand in hand with Cake Wrecks for today. Too funny, I read them first then yours and lo and behold, creepy doll heads….twice.

  944. Amelia Earhart. She’s already got an aviator’s cap-ish looking thing. Now all she needs is a malfunctioning plane and a swirly miniature bermuda triangle.

  948. I’d name him Cerberus because it looks like he has 3 eyes and Cerberus sounds like blue names, such as cerulean. He’s lovely.

  950. Torchwood (because The Doctor is taken) or probably Malarky for short. Not that Doctor Who or Torchwood are malarky but because I love all three things and words.

  951. I’m going with Peter. No no, wait! SIR Peter! Of COURSE he’s been knighted! You think he’s not going to serve God, his queen and his country? Well, then you are wrong my friend.

  952. I’d name him Bob. We have had 3 dogs, a cat, a bird, 3 chickens (live), 2 guina pigs, 2 rabbits, 4 rats and 6 mice and my kids never let me name anyone of them Bob. I need a pet of my own. Named Bob.

  953. Michael Buble’ – That’s the first name that popped into my head, and it just seems right.

  956. Tinkerbell. Mostly because that’s the first thing that I thought of, and that’s typically how stuff gets named around my house. I feel sorry for my first child. But now that I think about it, Tinkerbell isn’t so bad, because he kind of looks like he’s made from tinker-TOYS, and that blue tail sort of looks like wings, which real Tinkerbell also has. And he could be magic.

  957. Shasta Dickshit. Why I have no idea, but it looks like a Shasta. And I cannot find a awesome metal chicken up here in Canada.

  958. Professor Bluebutt. Because if you have to have ‘butt’ in your name, you should probably be a professor. or you lose all credibility. or vice versa. whatever, i want him.

  959. I’d name him Rikki-tikki-tavi because I’ve always wanted a mongoose named Rikki-tikki-tavi but, let’s be honest, when will I ever actually own a mongoose? So, I think a chicken named Rikki-tikki-tavi seems just about right!

  960. He has already informed me that his name is Schlomo. Our minds are already melding that way. It’s not a name I would have chosen personally but when a metal chicken tells you his name is Schlomo, you don’t argue with him. He could cut you. Or at least stab you with that roasting fork.

  961. First… Incredibly enough I drove by a GINORMOUS metal chicken at some random creepy outdoor antique/flea market thing. I’m determined to get pictures. I do however, have to find it first because it seems to disappear every time I get close.

    Second. I REALLY need a metal chicken. Seriously. I have a Leonberger named Hank, a Maine Coon cat named Kokopelli… all I lack in my life is a MINI-METAL CHICKEN!!

    If she were mine, she would be named Little Charlie McGee. You know, because apparently her pyrokinetic abilities get away from her time to time… I mean, look at those burn marks!! Poor Little Charlie!! Firestarter’s need love too!! Especially fowl ones.

  962. I want a rooster soooo bad! I would name him Inigo Montoya….cause who wouldn’t want a Spanish master fencing rooster in their home?

  964. This mini-metal chicken just looks like a “Quiche Lorraine” to me. No other name would do.

  965. Mini Beyonce is awesome! Due to the coke can used and all the welding marks (bruises) it reminds me of another singer we all love to make fun of, Courtney Love Cobain. I would name her Courtney Love Coke-bain!

  966. Colonel Coke Van Cock. Enough said. He is a chicken, so KFC demands I name him Colonel. Coke because he has a coke can for a wing panel. And Van Cock because he’s a cock but a very astute cock. And, he told me in that picture that he likes alliteration.

  967. I think I would call her Missy Cluckiot, but call her Missy for short. ALL of my friends have been on the search for metal chicken to call our own! We’ve even made plans of who is getting surprises on their door steps, and the pictures we’re going to take to send you when it happens! (there may have also been jokes about cocks in a box if we were to ship a metal chicken somewhere.)

  968. His name would have to be Leonard O’Shannessy. I don’t really see any other option.

  969. Doesn’t “Beyonce” have a little sister named “Solange?” (Thank you Wiki, I never would have known it otherwise.) That seems like the only logical name for this piece of metal.

  971. I’d want to keep it in the family but try to steer clear of any trademark lawsuits, so I’d name him Carter Ivy Blue.

  973. It’s a baby Beyonce, so it’s name is totally Blue Ivy. I don’t particularly like that name so I’d call it Charlie. who doesn’t like the non gender specific name of Charlie? I know i like it!

  974. I would name him Jay-Z and then we would have to arrange regular visits so that his and Beyonce’s marriage wouldn’t fall apart from all the long distance living.

  976. Carmen as in Carmen Miranda. The long banana neck and frills on the top just remind me of her. And besides, Carmen would go great with my flock of pink metal flamingos. OK my “flock” is only three at the moment but my husband TOTALLY supports my flock and adds to it whenever he sees one. So as you visit these great country markets please let me know if you run across any pink metal flamingos…they are really hard to find in Houston and my flock is lonely as they haven’t had a new addition in awhile.

  979. Blue Ivy is too obvious. Regina Phalange or Princess Conchita Banana-Hammock are lovely names for future use, but seeing as this is obviously a male inanimate object, he should be dubbed “Inigo Montoya”. If you killed his father, prepare to die!

    Also, Jenny, is that a wall of severed, shrunken rhino heads on the wall behind Inigo Montoya?

  980. I would name him/her River.
    Partly because of River Tam but mostly because I’ve been catching up on doctor who and I just met the more than awesome River Song. Also, I like water…

  982. I would name him Cookie Freak-o. This actually (sort of) makes sense: my dad’s Yugoslav and has a slight rooster fixation, and in Serbian roosters don’t say “cockadoodle doo”, they say “kookareekoo”. (My dad still claims this was my first word, at age 4 months.) Anyway, I told my husband this, but he couldn’t remember how to say it, so I would pass our chickens and say “kookareekoo”, and my husband would pass them and say “cookie freako”.

    I’m thinking Cookie Freak-o and Cookie Monster would probably hang out. Or go to Cookie Eaters Anonymous together. One or the other.

  983. Obviously, I would name he/she “Rod Torfulson’s Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk” and use it to warn off potential solicitors.

  984. Clearly, this young cock’s name is Pimpernel Pugh. But I would probably call him Steve McQueen for short.

  985. Kelly Rowland…I will not rest until the whole Destiny’s Child juggernaut is equally represented, including the cast asides who were clearly too awesome and were put assunder for the “good” of the team. Or, and probably more likely, B was all “I AM THE STAR CHILD. Those who do not agree will get the B-evil eye and shall be cursed with limp legs and a strivtly vibrato voice. And so it shall B, Boom!”

  990. Love love love the vampire duck! The not so giant metal chicken, however, I would call Spike… even though he’s not that spikey.

  998. IT’S WOODY METALSON!! Okay so that probably makes little sense however sounds fucking awesome to me!!

  999. His name is J.W. Ragland and if anyone tells your differently… they don’t deserve him.

  1001. I think it would have to be Victor, so whenever I looked at him I would remember not to buy more towels!

  1003. II’d name him “Towels” because then I can say “Look honey, I didn’t BUY Towels. I WON Towels.” That’s when I will be escorted to my padded cell because I’m not married and I live alone and picking fights by naming prize chickens after towels just to incite arguments with a fictitious spouse is…obviously…absurd.

  1007. Admittedly, I’ve put a lot of thought into this while searching the internet (to no avail) for my own Beyonce, for my bird room in my apartment that will be sometime soon. (Yes, I want a bird room.) She would benamed Sho’cantrelle LaBelle. She’s obviously the missing french dream girl.

  1012. Frederick au Vin, obviously. OMG I need an apartment-sized metal chicken. He could snuggle up with all the wool and guard it from the beer.

  1014. I’d name him Dr. Bruce “the Incredible Hulk” Banner and it would make me so happy when people said that he was incredible.

  1015. Wow . . .if I win you won’t even have to ship the chicken. I live near you so we can just meet at a gas station. Kind of like a hostage exchange except with a chicken and without a briefcase full of cash.

    I would name the chicken Marty VonWinkelpants. I don’t know why it just has a nice ring to it.

  1016. I would totally name this guy Cesar McCluckin-stein. Obvs.

    He could sit on our shelf that greets our guests as they enter our home. I would totally make him a sign that says, “I’ll beak you, b*tch” that he can wear around his neck. We do have some shady neighbors.

  1018. His name is Frankenclucker and we can’t wait to give him a home here in Colorado. He’s got some friends here already, actually. Watson, the rubber squirrel. Gerald, the light-up nativity camel. And don’t forget the The White Rhino. He’s made of white porcelain and I tried to give him a name once, but he got mad at me. Frankenclucker will feel right at home in my living room and he’s sure to make Bruce ALMOST as happy as Victor is with Beyonce. But I’ll just be like “What? Jenny GAVE it to me! And she’s a celebrity and also I want to be her, so I’m going to have to keep Frankenclucker.” Then he’ll probably tell me to go buy new towels, cause I think I was supposed to do that like a month ago.

  1022. He’s very obviously a European chicken. Has a certain Euro flair, possibly Parisian. I would name him Henri LaFarge. Pronounced “On-ree” of course.

  1023. Solange, or as the brilliant Michael K. of Dlisted calls her? Basement Baby.

    Close second inspiration? She could be Doctor Millicent Whittington, the long-suffering wife of my imaginary kakapo, Doctor Charles Elliott Whittington the Fifth.

  1029. I’m not near as clever as the majority of your readers, so I’m not going to attempt to drum up a barrel of funny.

    Name? Well, all of our pets are named after Superheroes/Comic book characters, so any sort of giant metal chicken added to the mix would OBVIOUSLY be the ringleader of my gang of crime fighters. Ergo, the chicken’s name would be Professor Xavier.

    Also, I have a serious crush on Patrick Stewart. Really, any excuse. Ohh, maybe Professor Picard! YES! PROFESSOR PICARD!!!! My husband will be deeply concerned and skeeved out all at once. Perfect.

  1030. I would go with Coke-A-Doodle (cause of the coke cans). That is one blue tail chicken for sure.

  1031. Jules Verne. I don’t know why that name popped into my head, but I do know I needed to Google it to make sure the name I was thinking of was Jules Verne and not Verne Jules. Though that would also work.

  1032. oooohh… I would name her Solange 😉

    I adore Martin van Buren by the way… he really does pull off that hat well.

  1035. i don’t give a wazoo what you name him, but i have to tell you that it is an utter relief to find someone just as creepy, if not a touch more, than me.

    i have to go wash some Barbie legs now. and then put lotion on its skin…

    wheee!

    ps. i’m still waiting for that jar of eyeballs. pretty please?

  1037. Sarah Jessica Parker…becuase it has a hot body and weird face…just like her. 🙂

  1038. Ooh!! Ooh!! Pick me!! Pick me!!
    I have been dying to get a giant metal chicken and can’t afford one! (Well, I suppose that technically I can afford one, but my boyfriend won’t let me get one. The last time I asked, we got into a long discussion that I promptly tuned out about 30 seconds in. I do remember him saying something about the misappropriation of funds and a comment or two about the mortgage, but everything else is kinda hazy.)

  1042. I would definitely name him The Cluckmeister. Or maybe Myhusbandsgoingtoshithispantswhenheseesthis Chicken.

  1045. I’d name him Blue Ivy since clearly that is Beyonce’s baby…and it just fits. Look at the magnificent blue on that lovely bird.

  1048. Seeing as I’m in your neighboring state, I’d have to go with: Zachary Taylor.
    If pressed, I could amend it to, Zachary Talon, because of his, you know… talons.
    But no matter what, we’d call him, “Zach”.
    Also, he looks to be the perfect size for hiding him in my wife’s and/or daughter’s closet when they least expect it.
    “Zach Attack!”
    I’m sure they would response in kind. I’m already clearing out a spot for him. He will have a good home. You’re welcome.

  1050. Obviously his name is General Ruffington.

    Also, my husband won’t let me buy the TEN FOOT TALL GIANT FUCKING CHICKEN at the local consignment shop. Something about it not fitting in the trunk of our Kia. Jerk.

  1051. Kelly Rowland. Not as big, decent pipes. Likes Coke. Kinda looks like a rooster. Just like your metal chicken there…

  1054. I feel as though the name, Dr.Cluckenstein would be a good name for it. But that’s just my opinion.
    Oh, I’m referring to the metal chicken, btw.
    I think Martin Van Buren is a BadAss name for a taxidermied duck.
    Hugs,Lenlen.

  1055. I’d name him “Chico” – he just looks like a Chico. My son is more interested in winning Ferris Mewler, although I think the post office would frown upon your shipping him to us.

  1058. I have no idea what I would name a baby metal chicken, but I do have teddy bears named Stitches von Murderhausen, Scrambles the Death Dealer, and Mr. Slaughterfist. I just thought you guys might enjoy the awesomeness in a way that my mother does not…

  1059. I am seriously going to giggle to myself all day about “Holy shitsnacks!” and then everyone at work will think I’ve lost my mind.

    Elwood, the tiny metal chicken.

  1060. I wouljd name him Jayzee. But not pronounced lke JZ, more like saying it fast yet drawn out jayyyzeee.

  1062. I would totally go with Buffy the Worm Slayer. I’m just saying, the little Beyonce looks serious about getting stuff DONE.

  1063. I would name him Sherlock, because he’d be there to investigate the things my cats do around the house. Be able to tell us which one committed said evil crimes… like getting up on the table and licking the butter.

  1064. I would name it ‘Jenny’….because I would want to name it after you!
    And I would tell stories about how he is the love child of Beyonce and Martin…..

  1065. THAT IS FABULOUS. I would name my new metal chicken Richard Von Licktenstein. Dick Lick for short.

  1066. Blammo Excelsior Flopwallow. only one of these words has been marked by spellcheck. and spellcheck has, as well. maybe that should be part of the name?

    Blammo Excelsior Flopwallow Spellcheck.

    Katherine Heigl for short.

  1067. I would love a metal chicken for my house, who wouldn’t?? I would name her “Destiny’s Child”. Obviously.

  1070. I’ve only ever seen a Beyoncesque metal chicken near Lubbock, Texas when I was driving from San Francisco to Austin with my family and it was just barely dawn and we drove by this HUGE metal chicken or rooster, I don’t know the difference because in San Francisco I don’t see either, but it was the hugest and I shouted “Maybe that’s the Bloggess’ chicken?!?!?!?!?!” and everyone in the car thought I was crazy but I made them go back so that I could take a picture.

    So I would name my mini-chicken/rooster Lubcock. Then he’d have to be a rooster and then I’d know.

  1074. Coq Divine or maybe Cock O’Maymie or, NO! WAIT! I’ll just keep it simple with Dick. Dickie when I’m feeling affectionate. Officially, then, we’d have Richard Milhouse Rooster.

    If it helps, I have a collection of hen and rooster friends of various makes and models that he could pal around with.

  1076. I would name him “Blarfengar Blarfengar” …anyone who has seen the 2010 episode of SNL with Betty White hosting will understand.

  1077. Chicky McRustypants. Which I admit might be confusing, since he’s not actually wearing pants. But the sordid story of Chicky’s ancestors and their rusty, rusty pants is much to long for a log comment, so you’ll just have to go with it.

  1085. I sooooo want this mini Beyonce! And you can throw in Ferris Mewler as well 🙂

    I would name my chicken Alfred Metalcock

  1086. 1st – the duck is amaze-balls!! My uncle is a taxidermist – I must beg him for a duck!

    2nd – creepy dolls for the WIN!!! Oddly enough, some of the heads look like characters from the Fallout Game series…. hmmmmm, intriguing!

    3rd – I would name a fabulous metal chicken Richard Cranium…. think about it!! hehe!

    Thank you for being the first thing I read this morning and making my day AWESOME from the start!!

  1087. It looks like a Marvin. Marvin J. Ass.
    yes, I picked this name out for my future donkey that I will someday get, hopefully, but i think it would work well for the Beyonce lookalike.

  1088. I always suspected ducks moonlighted as vampire hunters when they “flew south for the winter”. They just used it as a ruse to get at the vampires.

    I’d name the chicken Steven Cleveland. After the president, Grover Cleveland. Steve was his real first name. Then stick him among my collection of garden gnomes. Because they need less segregation in their world.

    Since there’s over 900 comments, I probably won’t win.

  1090. I would name him Sonja because my dear friend Sonja gets my weird humor, and your weird humor in a way others just don’t 🙂

  1092. Bob, because I knew a catfish once named Bob and I was quite fond of him (and he of me). And he could come hang out with me at work, because I work for an agriculture publishing company and I write about chickens all day. Seriously. Also, Ferris Mewler and his paws made me laugh out loud at my desk and now my coworkers think I’m slightly unhinged…but that’s par for the course when one writes about chickens all day. So.

  1093. Jenyonce because it needs to be named after you in part because if it was not for you.

    And I am so passing this on to my partner because he gets creeped out by dolls.

  1096. I would name her Molly. after my best friend. then I would have to go find her one and name it Michaela. then we could have BFBC (Best Friend Beyonce Chickens) and everyone would be jealous.

  1097. I would name him Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo, which of course makes no sense but makes all the sense in the world.

    He would come live with my crazy family and our cats, Mr. McCaty and Sir Purrsalot.

  1099. Clearly his name is Don Juan de Pickles because he a suave and debonair rooster of Hispanic decent from Texas. He will romance all the hens in all the world. He is a great lover of all female poultry, he has even had his way with turkeys and swans a time or two. His love is greater than his species.

  1100. Looks like “Charles Clukker” to me… (Named for Charles Tupper, PM of Canada from May-July 1896)

  1104. I want it!

    I would name it “SWEET metal chicken that I would have taken the time to pick a really awesome name for had I not been procrastinating by reading this blog post to begin with and subsequently forced to rush my kids out the door for school even after being afforded a two hour snow delay.”

    But we’d call him sweetie for short.

  1109. LOVE IT!! That is absolutely the most PERFECT metal chicken!! However, you have no idea how well that would actually FIT into my husband’s obsession. You see, he collects Coca-Cola “stuff” – anything and everything that has Coca-Cola. This stems from the usual old cans, bottles and collectibles to the weird sombrero, metal paper weights and bizarre miniature plastic bat and ball set … and so, since this clearly was made from Coca-Cola – how could he POSSIBLY not just love it??

  1110. Master General Sergio because it sounds very important, yet foreign and mysterious. From the picture, I can tell that Master General Sergio encompasses all of these traits.

  1111. Um– That is totally a girl chicken who is dressed as a dude. It’s like Marlene Deitrich wearing a tuxedo. Her name is Farrah. Or Fawcett.

  1112. Whoops my comment didn’t finish…

    Jenyonce because it needs to be named after you in part because if it was not for you there would be no metal chicken fetish or interest. There is a whole interest in metal chickens just because of you. You are putting people back to work.

    And I am so passing this on to my partner because he gets creeped out by dolls.

  1115. Andrew Jackson, Presidential bad-ass and crotchety old man extraordinaire.
    He would go perfect with Reginald Von Nutter Butter, my Squirrel naggies (short for the Mexican term “Nalgas” which is Spanish for butt) with his infamous chonies (tighty-whiteys) that I have proudly displayed for all my guests to see. He is literally the back half of a taxidermied squirrel that is hanging on the wall with a pair of squirrel-sized briefs.
    Also, I’ve been looking for my own Beyonce for months now, but no one in Illinois seems to carry them. It’s a travesty. I don’t even *care* how big or small it is- if I could afford/find a 20ft tall one, you bet your sweet ass I’d have that shit delivered to my backyard STAT. But a smaller one is probably more reasonably sized so I can hide it in more random places to freak people out.
    I ? your blog. You complete me. It’s so nice to know there are people out there just as crazy as I am.

  1116. I’d name him Jay Z. Or Destiny’s Chicken if it’s a girl. Although I’ve never been very good at determining the sex of chickens.

  1117. seriously, my metal chicken Shakira is lonely and needs a friend. they look to be about the same size. Maybe they would make more baby metal chickens, which would be so cool because we could split them up and add to our metal chicken collection. Of course yours is bigger than mine. I only have one. But I’m hopeful that I will have more someday soon. My daughter is very excited about the prospect of a family of metal chickens. My husband, Bill, isn’t really onboard yet. By the way, my friends call him Victor since Victor and he seem to share a lot of life experiences and challenges.

    Hey Martin Van Buren needs a FB page!

  1120. Wow… that got funnier when I read it again… anything with a good sexual innuendo… when I was just intending booze innuendo. hahahaha

  1122. I’d name him Jigga Von Goofenfleurf and add a motion activated voice recording that clucked “Jigga Whut.. Jigga Who”, in a German accent. :0)

  1125. I would name him Joan Jett. Because my ex-boyfriend despises Joan Jett, and wouldn’t see the whimsy in a metal chicken. So everytime I saw it I would be reminded of how much better off I am without a men that neither appreciates the kick assness of Joan Jett the rocker, or Joan Jett the metal chicken.

  1130. Colonel Sanders. Isn’t that so obviously the name he is begging for? =) I live in a town house. Perfect, nes pas?

  1131. Zephrys- because I really have (had? he’s dead now) a great uncle by that name and there just really aren’t enough Zephyses (Zephri?, Zephrys’?) in the world.

  1132. I’d name her Flannery O’Clucker.
    Also, I’m filing half of the names in these comments for names for future pets.

  1133. I would name him Steven Cleveland. After President Grover Cleveland, of course. Steve being his real first name.

  1137. Oh I failed- did not mention his NAME…

    Would definitely have to name him Shitsnacks the Coca-Cola Chicken!! 🙂

  1141. I desperately need a metal chicken. I went to USC and am a diehard gamecock… Thus I try to buy chickens everywhere we go. Unfortunately my husband thinks that chickens are kitschy and refuses to let me buy them. So I have no chickens. Because he is no fun ( and yet, he thinks that the longhorn Bevo skull with a bullet hole between the eyes is perfectly acceptable decor for our guest bedroom… )

  1143. Not sure what I would call him but would love to have him just to terrorize my family!!!!!

  1145. I was going to go with Blu for Beyonce’s baby, but now I think Mini Be (like Mini Me)

  1146. that was supposed to be a heart, not a question mark.
    Although my husband definitely questions my sanity.

  1147. I would name him Sally Jo Hurst. Because I would adopt him and make him my son, and so he would then have to have my last name, which is of course Hurst.

  1148. And of course, I forgot to give him a name the first time, didn’t I??

    Whimsy.

  1149. As a mom I have no chance of naming him, my daughters did. And they have decided on Coo Coo Ka- Chewie. Cuz they love Star Wars and so anything that gets named get some sort of Star Wars connection. In this case, he’d end up part Wookiee.

  1150. Oh, that’s Juan Gotti, no doubt about it.

    However, I no longer have a spouse to hate it. Is that a requirement?

    Also, does the barbeque fork come with it? I don’t need one, but if I have to get a spouse it would probably be a good idea to also have a giant fork.

  1152. I’m not commenting so I can win the rooster. I’ve already found my 5′ metal chicken and named him “Cher” (although my daughter fought hard for “Gaga”). He made a surprise visit to my sister for Thanksgiving. Now I’m waiting for a birthday (for one of my friends) and another friend’s 15th anniversary (because the 15 anniversary is BIG METAL CHICKENS, Victor!) so that Cher can make more middle-of-the-night clandestine visits!

    I just wanted to say that I LOVE Martin Van Buren’s obviously mad vampire-killing skills, all the while looking dapper in his new hat. You are an inspiration, Jenny Lawson!!

  1153. I feel like the only name that would make sense would be Victory- maybe not if it was staying in your house but in my house it would make sense because it would remind of all the grief you get but yet you still win!

  1155. I’m going with Christina Aguilooster. As does Beyonce, she likes to shake her tail feathers and crows obnoxiously at every given chance.

  1157. Bob the Blue Tailed Bird.

    Though that keeps switching to blue balled when I say it in my mind which might not be good. I can’t imagine what people would say if they asked what the bird on my desk was named and I said that. Maybe I’ll steal the name my sister wants to name her hypothetical son: Adrian Phoenix.

  1158. i would name him trevor and place him prominently upon the kitchen island much to the chagrin of husband and 20 and 17 year old daughters. my son and i (because he shares my evolutionized sense of humor) would dress and accessorize him for the upcoming season and holidays…..he’d look fabulous in his trevor style mardi gras beads which are waiting for him right now…with a hurricane glass to compliment the scene…..

  1160. I think that the male version of Beyonce, would obviously be named Dr.Cluckenstein.
    But btw,Martin Van Buren is a BA name for that duck.
    He totally looks like a Martin Van Buren, and just rocks a top hat.

  1161. I shall call him Tyson and he shall be mine and he will be my Tyson. and I will stand him next to his giant metal chicken godmother named Beyonce Jr. (naturally) and I will be the happiest metal chickenhead on my block. All the other chickenheads will be so envious.

  1163. Victor. Because I’m not married anymore but still need a man to blame things on.

  1166. I’d name him Beyonce Jr., AKA “at least it’s not a real chicken!” or “this is just the beginning of the fake chickens! I need real chickens!”

  1169. OMG, I don’t know what I’d name him but I have visions of him walking creakily up to my dog and saying ‘Professor Woofson I presume.’ creak creak. Maybe its not a him, maybe its a her and her name is Martha. As in Martha Jones, not Stewart, cluck, cuz Steward is just evil and should be vanquished to a planet beyond Hawking’s imagining.

  1172. I would name him Doctor Von Animus. No wait. Duck-tor Von Animus. See what I did there?

  1174. Oh, I never win anything, but I would love to win Mini-Beyonce. As for what I’d name her, I’m thinking Baby. For Baby Beyonce, of course, but also because then I could go around telling my family, “don’t put her in the corner–NOBODY puts Baby in a corner!” Also, I would love to win Baby because I read the original Beyonce post to my husband the other night and he laughed so hard he cried. Which he never does. Baby Beyonce and I would have some serious fun with hubby, I think! (And I actually do need new towels…)

  1177. I must confess that I really don’t want to win the chicken… mainly because I firmly believe chickens are only for eating and making eggs, and a metal chicken cannot do those things! I would probably therefore name it “Useless” or “Not-Edible”… or, you know, “Lindsay Lohan”, since that means the same thing.

    …What? >.>

  1178. If, on the outside chance I won with my name Clarence Pernicky Waternoose the Third (see above) I would have you send it to my mom with a note saying “Hey, it’s not towels.” rather then trying to get it sent to England (my mom is in the states)

  1182. F. Scott Fitzgerald who said, “A big man [chicken] has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big.” Which of course is oddly appropriate for a BIG metal chicken

  1185. I NEED THIS CHICKEN!!!! Why? Because my husband says I cannot clone my dog… fine then I will get a metal chicken!

  1186. I would name him Kenickie and put him by our chicken coop to keep our real hens, Frenchie and Rizzo, company. Alas, our poor Sandy is deceased. She was killed by a hawk a couple weeks ago. Otherwise, he’d totally be Danny Zuko.

  1188. I would name him Gary. All I know is that this would probably curb my habit of buying loads of vintage towels (Not kidding. I have a serious problem with vintage Cannon towels with those cool reverse patterns). Or not. Either way, I would have a new conversation piece for my office:
    Co-worker: “Why is there a giant metal rooster on your desk?”
    Me: “Oh, Gary? Well, he provides me better advice than you do. And he’s helping me adjust to Excel 2010.”
    Co-worker: “Uh huh.”
    Me: “Don’t be jealous.” (Looks at stuffed Bluejay atop monitor). “Besides, Blue Jay needed a friend.”

  1191. I would name him Benedict Cumberbatch because he looks just like Sherlock, if Sherlock was a metal chicken.

  1192. I would name her Kenny Rogers. And for Nina, who said she looks like an Erica…I’m torn between mildly insulted and highly flattered. Definitely frightened, though.

  1195. I would name him “Finally” because ever since you got Beyonce I have been looking for one and have not found one… well, except for the one on the neighbors porch down the street, which I would love to steal but she would see it in my yard, then steal it back so we would both lose sleep by this stealing back and forth each night! So if I end up with this, you would be saving me hours and hours of lost sleep, and I would have my own that every time I walked outside I could yell “Finally”

  1197. Victor is a fabulous name, but I see it has been already suggested. I would name him Sorry, and throw all my regrets at him, to be seen never again.

  1199. I would name him Brigadier Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart. But I would call him Pepsi for short. Because it would be ironic, see?

  1200. I would love to win this, if only for the fact that I went and bought a mini-beyonce to put in my backyard a few weeks ago (it too was living in a flock of Beyonces at the store, the queen Beyonce being 10 damn feet tall) and my husband has yet to notice it. You’d think a brightly colored metal chicken would stand out in our brown mulch and landscaping but so far he’s oblivious. But if I won a second one and strategically put it out there, how long would it take him to notice that there were now two?!!? Oh the joy this brings me. And I’d name the second one “Sasha Fierce Mini Me.”

  1204. I do think a home is not a home without a metal chicken. I am new to your log but feel very comfortable here. My son says we should name the chicken Mr. Stevens.

  1205. I’d name him Kevin Bacon. And I’d get him a big brother and name him Big Biscuit because once when we went on vacation with friends, they brought some other friends from Texas and the one guy looked at my husband and said ” you are one Big Biscuit!” And nothing goes better with biscuits than bacon! Kevin Bacon…

  1207. I would name him Mabel the Cat. He is a cat, disguised as a metal chicken. He’s very upset about that. He needs a home that respects that. AND I DO!! IM COMING FOR YOU MABEL!!! HANG ON!!! We will save the world, after breakfast.

  1208. George! I shall name him George and will love him and hug him and squeeze and forever he’ll be mine! (Does anyone else remember the old cartoon with the little girl?)

  1211. Ooh, I wanna win! My husband would go crazy over little Mortimer Pigpimples!! By crazy I of course do not mean that he would raise his eyebrow before rolling his eyes and walking away (possibly to have divorce papers drawn up).

  1212. I want to go to the markets you go to. Mine are nothing as awesome as this.

    And I would name him Indigo Vinecan.

  1213. The picture of the doll heads on spikes is precisely what I need to creep my students out.

  1218. I would name her Callista Louise because she would cut a sick woman to steal a fat, pompous husband. That, and I think that Callista Louise and Callista Louise Gingrich are both coated in the same spray paint and lacquer. Notice the dead, unmoving, faraway stare in both of their eyes? Coincidence?

  1224. Barraaaawk Obama. Actually, I have recently purchased my own 6′ metal chicken. I have it on ‘lay’ away, and I’m only $100 away from being the proud and incredibly ecstatic owner of my own Beyonce (although I’ll find another name – perhaps Mike or something like that)! Of course, the same day it arrives (if I can find someone to deliver it), I will more than likely be getting divorced, as I have been told, in no uncertain terms, that I AM NOT to purchase a metal chicken. If you sent me the little one, though, I could ease him into the idea and I would not have actually purchased it, so he couldn’t leave me. At least not until the big one arrives. Of course, ever since I posted your story on my Facebook, lots of people I know have been sending me chickens. They don’t understand it isn’t just any chicken I’m obsessed with – just 6′ metal ones that are singing (and now this adorable pal so it won’t be lonely, because I never go outside, and my husband will more than likely call it things that aren’t very uplifting for a chicken’s spirit as he passes it by every day on his way to the garage, where he spends hours just to get away from me and my ramblings. He will need this little guy to commiserate with. Me ramble? I don’t get it.) Anyway……I would name him Barraaaawk. And I would giggle uncontrollably every time I saw him, which would be every day, because I would put him in my kitchen, or maybe my front porch.

  1228. Sweet Baby Jesus Wrapped In A Manger! I need me one of those!
    Of course its name is Blue Ivy, duh. Where have you people been?

  1229. Obviously his name should be Rocco Gustavo Reinaldo Tonjes. Because Rocco is cool, and as the mother of two girls and aunt of many girls, I assure you that neither my father, Gus, nor my father-in-law, Ronald have any chance of having a namesake grandson.

  1230. So people really do name their cocks? Huh. I thought that was a myth. Anywho, I’d name him Josephine Baker. I’d call him Joe. Or possible Joe-joe. Mighty Joe. etc.

  1233. I would name him Lucy and he would wake me up every morning by saying, “COCA-doodle-doo!”

  1234. First, the duckling is *perfect* the contrast between innocent and Vampire hunter is indescribable in a family like setting.

    Secondly, the metal chicken’s name should totally be Judy Garland Trail Mix Eater…in recognition of Nancy of course.

  1239. Bob, I’d name him Bob…. because Bob is an awesome name, simple, practical, a name of default for any previously (or still) unknown quantity. And when I post this to FaceBook, asking people what it should be named, there are at least 15 people who will KNOW it has to be Bob too.
    It’s kind of like orange. You can’t ever go wrong with orange.
    except for that one time,
    the one with with the Everclear

  1240. I believe this young villain’s name is Mordred, the Foul Fowl of Camelot. He just needs a cape to look more Druid.

  1241. I would name him Mr. Royster. That was actually my middle school music teacher. This roo reminds me of him for some totally unrelated reason or another………….. :o)

  1243. Oh my word. I want that chicken.

    I would name it Steven Jethro Gutowski

    My husband typed that.
    It would actually be Mr. McFeinster

  1245. We almost named our kitten Fred Mertz, I think that would be a good name for a metal chicken.

  1247. Marty Seamus McFlye, in honor of his proving in back to the Future that the world is not, in fact, going to end this year, regardless of what the low-functioning-immune-system Mayans predicted.

  1248. Gina.

    Mostly because of Gina Carano who is a badass.

    And so is that chicken.

    Also, it would pair nicely with the metal chicken watering can my sister-in-law got me for Christmas. True story.

  1251. I’d name her Gloria, because Gloria is a very no-nonsense name, and she looks very no-nonsense. Plus, Gloria is short for Glorious, and she looks glorious.

  1253. So does anyone remember Gemini’s Twin from SNL? They were less well known than Destiny’s Child, but so much more talented lyrically; i.e.,
    All you wanna do is bone
    Like a caveman, Fred Flintstone
    Play you like a saxophone
    Pass you like a kidney sto-o-o-ne
    Theredfore in homage to this group with a smaller following, I would name the smaller Beyonce after the most talented member of Gemini’s Twin, Brittanicca.

  1255. Snooki. Clearly. (She thinks she’s the next BIG thing and she’s showing a little too much leg).
    By the way…the vampire slaying Martin Van Buren scene is awesome. I love the box of supplies, complete with crucifixes and holy water. Have duck, will travel…that’s what I think of when I see Mr. Van Buren. Love it!

  1257. I just had an epiphany. If I won said rooster, I would turn him into the travelingcock, and share him with all these people, so they too could be furiously happy with him. Then set up a website where everyone could share his adventures, and at each new location each person could add to his name. His name would be the longest in the history of the world, but that’s because might be small, he overflows with awesome.
    Also, if he has round circles around both eyes, I’d have to go with Harry Potter; but if it’s just the one, definitely, Mr. Rockefeller Peanut!

  1258. I WANT and NEED this little chicken. I had a fight with my boyfriend yesterday and pouted all thru grocery shopping because he would NOT let me put a metal chicken in our grocery cart 🙁 and strongly suggested that I should not come back and buy it later….but if I won it??? Can’t argue with the universe and what it wants me to have.

  1259. I have a trio of small annoying dogs. They are the von Stinkenheimers. They’ve always wanted a chicken sibling named The Colonal but my fiancé is scared of them. SCARED OF CHICKENS. I KNOW RIGHT!?

    The Colonal von Stinkenheimer; THAT’S what we would name him. Well, the dogs and I. My fiancé would probably just throw a hissy and say, “NO. Of course he can’t live on the bookcase with my tiki mug collection! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?” And then I would cry a little and get my way. Like always. That’s why I have three von Stinkenheimer’s already.

  1260. PS: His name started out as “Jumbalaya Willhelm The 3rd, but I changed it. He is so obviously a “Lester Aluwicious.”

  1261. I don’t know. The hat makes me think more Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, than Martin Van Buren. Lincoln was much more kick ass. Of course Van Buren has that whole Van Helsing Dutch connection.

    Do the Dutch even have vampires?

  1264. I just spent 30 minutes reading all of the comments. Pure brilliance. I’d name him Rick Perry because when I see a rooster I think of a cock then I think of a dick and that naturally leads my Democratic brain to think of our governor. And, look at that hair! Look at that attitude that says I’m right even when I’m dead wrong. Yep, Rick Perry for sure.

  1265. I would call him (to me it’s a him, only males can have that smirky smile) Cocky Bastard. For reason, see interim statement 🙂 I’m sorely tempted to put him in my restaurant above the tip jar 😉
    If not Mr. Cocky Bastard, perhaps the lovely dollhead and chain decoration, you can do anything as long as you call it postmodern, right?

  1267. ooh! I want to edit my entry…he can be my “Zaphod Beeblebrox” and then I can collect more things and call them Arthur Dent, Trillian, etc and so on…

  1268. He would simply be called The Cock and I’d giggle every time my kids said it because I’m 12 years old like that sometimes.

  1272. I like the cut of this rooster’s jib, and perhaps the fabric of his mainsail. The bantam’s battered visage may indicate he’s seen better days, but any fool (and I am most certainly up to the task) can see he retains both the dignity and the vitality of the young cockerel of yesteryear. He is a barnyard Byron still, more capo than capon. He may have gone a bit to seed, but remember – chickens love seed.

    I recognize the fellow. His name is Original Refined Cane Sugar Formula. You can call him ‘Sugar’ for short. He has some baggage. Sugar was for a time the coke of the walk in Atlanta. Until a sweeter-than-thou interloper came to the state, looking for a fight and a marketing solution. Just when Sugar thought he’d vanquished the fowl usurper, cousin Hi (Hiram Fructose Corn Syrup-Titius) snuck in and snookered ‘em both.

    Corny was in, Sugar was out. The rest is a rather sordid tale of illicit pugilism, confidence games, carnival roustabouting and even a brief career in the Asian porn market (until the threat of avian influenza drove Sugar back to drifting).

    But let’s not dwell on past peccadilloes. Sugar has resurfaced in the old Republic. Let us rejoice in the prodigal Pyncheon’s return, and welcome him back into refined society, at least for a time.

  1273. Sir Chanticleer the Rigid! Our romance would be as coy and befuddled as a Bronte novel.

  1274. I would totally name him after you. I would call him “Jenny From the Flock.” I’m proud of that one, actually.

  1276. Will Wheaton is the perfect name! I promise I’ll send many pictures of him collating papers 🙂

  1280. I shall name him Coca au Tin, in lieu of Coq au Vin. I’m from Atlanta, so relish the hometown connection.

    Or -possibly- Foghorn Tinhorn, which is way too obvious.

  1282. My own little Beyonce???? I will name her Georgina, and I will hug her and pet her and squeeze her… <3

  1283. Solange – Because she really wants to be Beyonce, but, REALLY, that’s never gonna happen. Little sisters often get the shaft.

  1287. I would name her LILUYE: Miwok name meaning ” singing chicken hawk that soars.” Just so you know I googled ‘tall chicken’ names …and well of course Beyonce came up first! Then there was this list …yes a LIST for Native American Pet Names (whodathunkit). I decided Liliuye was perfect! (disclaimer: it was between Liluye & MAKKITOTOSIMEW: Algonquin name meaning “she has large breasts.”)

  1289. I would name him Jean Jaques La Cock. And I would love him and give him everything his little french birdie heart desiers. I have a thing forFrench Cocks.

  1291. “Chicopea ‘fraid o’ me” would have to be the name. And I would put it someplace, probably near the kitchen door. Then, when my kids were implanted in my a$$ while I was cooking dinner, I’d have to say “get outa here! and don’t knock over Chicopea ‘fraid o’ me if you ever want to eat again, now scram!” and they would say “but mom why do you have a metal chicken anyway?, you’re afraid of birds” and I would have to answer “to remind me that fear is irrational, and so is withholding food from your children, so if you want to eat, get outa here and let me cook.”

  1293. I would name him Ludwig and give him to my sister. She has her own Beyonce collection and they are all named after musicians! They might even all be related to your Beyonce! 🙂 Her husband, like yours, does not understand or appreciate her love for her chicken collection, so I think the best way to help him see why they’re so amazing is to add one more to the family!! hahaha
    P.S. I LOVE your blog. Makes me laugh every time!

  1294. I believe this chicken is actually a rooster and if I were choosen to receive such a wonderful creation, he would be dubbed the Kitchen Cock and would sit on my fridge and watch over my family.

    Thanks!!!

  1298. It’s actually a her and her name is Nell Carter. She uses every opportunity to say “Gimme a break” and then belt out showtunes. It’s just who she is.

  1302. It’s obvious to me this little chicken should be named Leland Quincy Jones esq.

  1303. Hank. But only if he comes with the bar-b-q fork (for obvious reasons. Ok, maybe not so obvious reason.) If he doesn’t come with the fork then Prunella.

  1306. Well, the answer seems completely obvious to me. Since I believe he is a boy chicken, how can he be named anything but Jay-Z?

  1311. If I had a baby metal chicken, I would name him Winston Churchill. Because Winston Churchill was a badass who overcame a stuttering problem, and led Britain to FLAWLESS VICTORY.

    I may or may not be sleep deprived as I write this comment.

  1312. I think I would call it Cock N Towels!!!!! Only my friends will understand that!!! WE LOVE BEYONCE. My hubby thinks I am insane as well!!! Metal Chickens rock!!!

  1316. Clearly, this rooster’s name should be Tom Cruise, due to his diminutive size and bat-shit craziness. No, I do not mean that the idea of owning a small metal rooster is crazy, but that the chicken himself is bonkers enough to be taking on that massively sexy cat with a barbecue fork. See that? Ferris Mewler is all “See, I’m just stretching. I’m not preparing to disembowel you, evil metal chicken.” And Tom Cruise says, “And I’m totally not paying any attention to you, nor am I preparing to roast you with Splendor, the Barbecue Fork of Righteousness. Why? Because you can’t handle the truth, that’s why! Now leave me, that I may contemplate my metalli-thetan count.” And Ferris Mewler slurks (that’s lurking in a sexy manner) away nonchalantly, tail high, in the full knowledge that he could have totally pulled that dude’s heart out and drank it like a juice box, but since he’s already done the Eric Northman thing, he wasn’t bothered.

    I would also like to point out that my maiden name means “cock” (of the rooster kind, not the porno kind) in German. Please, explain, ancestors. Was there nothing else you could be known for?

  1317. It is a tie for me between Xtina and Benedict Cumberbatch. I would have to meet baby Beyonce before deciding whether he is a diva or an Englishman whose cheekbones will CUT YOU, much like Beyonce.

  1318. omg!! I love reading your blog!!! I also have a metal rooster!! But I refer to it as my big COCK! Lol. I’m fixing to make him a bondage cock, because everytime the wind blows on Oklahoma he falls over!! I’ve thought about putting rocks in his feet ,)

  1320. There’s NO doubt that the chicken’s name is Seamus. That thing has “IRA weapon” written all over it.

  1321. Coke-A-Doodle-Doo… because it’s fun to say, and he’s already advertising himself.

  1323. i would call him “Sir Peckers Van Dorking” after my home town in the UK which also is famous for a fine breed of Chickens.

    I mean, Julius Caesar wrote about him for fucks sake!

    You can’t get better pedigree than that…

    Look it up on wiki!

  1325. I just fell in LOVE with Martin Van Buren. The world’s cutest and fluffiest vampire slayer. I would name the mini chicken Esmerelda who Must Be Obeyed! (you have to add the exclamation point, always) And then she would live in pride of place on my desk at work and I would use her to terrorize the slackass college student employees I have to deal with every day 🙂

  1327. Scrooge McDuck. Even though it’s a chicken. It will keep people guessing. About my sanity that is, but they do that anyway.

    *cock joke here*

  1329. Oooh! I’m sure my fiance would appreciate a giant metal chicken. Especially in our new kitchen. And, if I won him, I’d send you a picture of him with MY cats (like you’d care, but I’d do it anyway).

    What would I name him? Bob. Because you can never go wrong with a simple name like Bob. And because I only give terrifyingly cool names to cats.

  1337. Maeve, just because I like that name and it goes well with Beyonce. Plus Maeve means ‘Intoxicating’. Oh, and I know he’s a he but still…

  1343. I’d name him Ralph. Or make it a her and her name would then of course be Kelly Rowland.

  1344. I’d name him Marshal Rooster J. Cogburn after the John Wayne movie. Why? Because of the movie’s synopsis: “A small village in the Indian Nation that is run by a Minister Goodnight and his daughter Eula is overrun by a band of drunken thugs. They kill and rape the people of the village. Miss Goodnight then teams up with the ruthless Marshal Rooster J. Cogburn who goes after them and bring them to justice.” Who wouldn’t want a drunken thug rapist ass kicking bad ass rooster?

  1345. I would name him Cock-a-Doodle Sheen. Because he obviously has a serious coke problem-the whole world knows it. It’s written all over his….wings.

    While we are at it, I met my new Bestest Friend in the Whole Wide World. And it is only because of your divine presence that I was able to identify her and all her charms:
    http://fearlessfibrowarrior.blogspot.com/2012/01/one-where-i-meet-my-new-bestest-friend.html

    And because of your awesomeness, I will continue to love you from afar, instead of moving suspiciously closer, all because I have someone NEW to stalk.
    Thank you, Jenny. Thank you.

  1347. I am so far down the list that I doubt that I would win, but I am throwing my hat in the chicken coop anyway. I don’t have a flock of Beyoncés or any other types of animals (though in college, I collected the Coca Cola polar bears, but that’s because of a caffeine addiction), but I’d love to START a flock and this metal chicken would be the PERFECT inaugural piece. So that’s my argument for picking me.

  1351. I would name him Bartleby Rochester. Or Lavernius. Personally I like Bartleby. My roommate got a hedgehog and was supposed to name it Bartleby but then decided on Lucy. Less entertaining and 100% less British awesome sounding.
    Make I take home Bartleby?

  1353. I am certain that your apologies are unnecessary, yet loved. I saw a piece of broken wood this morning and totally thought tiny vampire killing stakes. where are the tiny vampires? I wonder if they shimmer? Then I was sad because I didn’t take a picture.

    Alas, you have made me happy again, with your tiny stakes held by a self satisfied duck in a top hat. Thanks for that.

    Also, keep the chicken – give me the cat.

    I read that part in my head and it sounded very cat-napperish. I assure you I will not steal your cat, but if you ever feel like having a LIVE giveaway – I’m in.

  1355. Why am I so immediately attracted to the dead duck? And the Blue Ivy Carter is just adorable, and seeing I work for Coca-Cola, it was MEANT to be!!!

  1356. His name is Cogfeather McPlunk, but we call him Plunky. Also, I should note that I made my husband come up with this name without telling him why and silly him, he didn’t ask why until after giving me the name

  1357. Some might call him the space cowboy,
    Some might call him the gangster of love
    I would call him Maurice
    For he speaks of the pompetous of Love

  1360. Well I was of the Rooster Cogburn kind of mind but saw others thought that as well. So I would name her Effie! Because if I was to win her there would be lots of F-in going in this house!

  1362. I’d either let the hubby name him, resulting in FMC (for fucking metal chicken, I’m sure).

    Or Jake. Because he looks like a Jake.

  1364. I would name her Aunt Janice. She knows why.

    Actually, I take that back. That rooster is pretty cute so I wouldn’t want her to have an evil name. No, I take back taking it back. Aunt Janice. Might be nice to have a good association with the name.

  1365. I think I’d have to call her Levon, because I think everything is better with a theme song, and what could be better than a chicken with a theme song belted out by Elton John about a balloon salesman named Jesus and his son? I mean, really. And I’d have to rig something up so that if anyone picked her up, the song would start playing.

    LOUDLY.

    – Liz

  1366. Remember how someone suggested the name “My Vagina” for the soon-to-be Barnaby Jones (Pickles)? In honor of his memory, I would name my new metal chicken “Your Vagina.” Then, if someone asked: “What is that monstrosity supposed to be?”, I could answer “It’s Your Vagina, obviously.” And I could also go around saying things like “You know, Your Vagina looks just like Beyonce,” which would probably become the most popular pickup line of the 21st century.

  1367. Well, it’s funny you should ask! I currently have a flock of metal flamingos at my desk (I work at a very conservative company, so I’m “That girl with the flamingos” – They names are Aristophanes (he’s a poet), Paris (because she’s tall, flat, and brainless), Peter (baby flamingo), and Lady Gaga (also a baby)…

    I would HAVE to name him Rusty Shitsnacks Batman…only so when you yell his name, it sounds like you’re Robin from the comics…

    I’m sure this will end up getting me fired one day…oh well!

  1368. Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla, I think.
    Because “WE found THEM and THEY found US, and now THEY are OURS and WE’re so happy.”

    Or maybe Pepe…

  1369. He looks like a Fritz to me. And like your husband, Fritz’s namesake (my father) would NEVER have understood your humor. I can see him and Victor looking at you in tandem, as if you’d lost your mind. 🙂 XOXO

  1372. Did you add a cooking fork to the 2nd picture? Nice to know their is a purpose! 😉
    How about we stay with cooking utensils… “Skewer”. Short for Screw you! The phrase I would direct at my husband, after his eye roll, when I place this little chick on our kitchen counter.

  1373. I would name him Colonel Harland Sanders. I already have a black string tie & cane just his size waiting for him.

  1375. Since he’s a little cocky cock (he just has that conceded look on his face), it would have to be Jay-Z…

  1377. Please send Sonny Crockett to me! That rooster is totally badass, hence the name. I’ll bet he even has a little Ferrari made out of 40 oz Pabst cans… held together with AWESOMESAUCE.

  1381. I can’t even try to win this…if I bring home (Or receive) another metal chicken after sharing Beyonce’s story the first time, I’m pretty sure I won’t have a home to return too, lol.

  1382. You’d think Victor would know better than to go to a flea market where doll heads and taxidermied ducks are sold. Really, it’s his fault.

  1383. Well it is a rather glorious metal chicken so in order to capture that glory I shall name him Rev. Patrick St. Cluck.

  1385. I would name this chicken Margaret Thatcher. I’d like to name everything after British political figures, when possible.

  1386. I would name it Dusty Springfield. Because I’m accused of collecting things that collect dust by my husband. This way, he next time he gets cheeky about my housekeeping/collecting I can audibly sigh and say “her name IS Dusty Springfield, Dan, now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to surface clean around my new metal chicken.”

  1387. My dear Bloggess. I do believe you are mistaken. Obviously the new addition’s name is Martin Van Helsing. And I must admit, when I first saw him, I was deeply troubled. Not just a taxidermied duck, but a taxidemied *baby* duck … *whimper*. But then I reminded myself that you verified that he had in fact died from natural causes.

    Although a baby duck dying from natural causes is still sad. Cut down before he can even experience life. I bet it was vampires and that’s why he’s dedicated his undead life to slaying them.

    As for the chicken, well, I believe names are very important. And it’s very hard to decide upon a fitting name for someone until you meet them. Spend time with them. As my dog, Winston Churchill Spiker, can attest. However, right now, I’m leaning toward Maggiano because they have the best chicken parm I’ve ever eaten… not that I’d eat him or anything.

  1388. I would call him Mr. Bates. I would love to know where this freakishly awesome market is and how far it is from Austin. I’d go and buy a flock of roosters! Is it a flock? Hmmm.

  1393. I think the appropriate name would be Cluck Norris. For obvious reasons. A close second would be Any Cockledoo. (say it with the same tone a rooster makes with it crows) Also for obvious reasons. Btw…love your posts. They always start my day with a smile. So thank you!

  1396. Because I have some issues I think I would have to name him
    “Derk Diggler”
    I think this is almost self explanatory If you ever watched Boogie nights.

    Love the Ducky Vampire hunter. What does Copernicus think of him??

  1398. I think I’d have to go with Ice-T because metal chickens are so gangsta (and he’s the original one, after all). Also, it’s a nice play on the Coca Cola thighs.

  1400. Ethel as in Lucy and… Sometimes simple is better and he will have a wonderful place on my husband’s nightstand. Doesn’t everyone want to wake up, reach for the snooze button, only to find Ethel staring them down????

    I have an empty space over my front door that will totally be sporting my very own beyonce’esc metal chicken. I can’t name it until I’ve met it though. I mean, it’s full grown, right? Not like naming an unborn infant. I really hope I meet a Fred Rooster though.

  1402. I like it and I wanna put a ring ring mother fucker on it! She will be known as my Single Lady.

  1408. We once had 3 polish roosters on the farm. They’re a bantam (read-small. think- napoleonic complex.) breed that look like nothing more than that crazy gown with the feather headdress that Bob Mackie designed for Cher that one year for the Oscars. And really everything that Bob Mackie designed for both Cher and Phyllis Diller his entire career. We also couldn’t really tell them apart, but since they always traveled in a vicious little pack they became known as the drag queen chickens, called collectively Phyllis, Cher and Bob. One day one of them went after my then-three year old and the rule on the farm is that if a rooster attacks children they have to die, but I couldn’t tell them apart to know which one did it. So, my husband just killed all of them. I felt awful, had nightmares about being taunted to death by RuPaul for weeks. Perhaps if you give me this chicken and I name it Bob the drag queen chicken gods will be appeased and I can stop waking up with glitter in my hair and wondering if it will ever end, this evil haunting.

  1411. There was a character on the old Mork and Mindy show. He was an odd character – even odder than Mork himself.

    His name was Thermidor.

    That’s what I would call my prize metal chicken. Thermidor.

    I would place him on my desk at work, and refer to him whenever someone wanted a question answered about their computer. (I work as a supervisor in an IT department). When they came up to me and said “can you fix my computer” I’d be all like – better ask Thermidor. He’s in charge of my schedule.”

    They’d say “OK” (they wouldn’t think to ask me who Thermidor is, or where he could be found, on account of I have a mean scowl-ey face, even when I’m in a good mood, and people are afraid to talk to me.) So they would go off and look for this elusive “Thermidor” guy.

    Then they’d come back and say, hesitantly “um, do you know where I can find, um, ‘Thermidor’?” And I would make a big sigh, turn away from the person, and grab the metal chicken, and then turn back and shout “THIS IS THERMIDOR. HE WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. NOW…..WHAT DO YOU WANT????” And they’d run away in a panic.

    This would be my way of training people not to ask me questions when I’m trying to work.

  1412. Hm, I’d probably name him Potpie. As in:
    What, what’s that you asked about that chicken? Oh, you mean my chicken. Potpie.

    Or maybe just Marie Callender.

  1413. His name is Kevin McSnatchPatch, and I shall place him on the tree stump in my backyard, where he can frighten the racoons and bewilder the deer. Yes! 😀

  1414. I’d name it big rick because it’s badass attitude speaks for its self. Big Rick would peck your eyes out without even ruffling his aluminum feathers.

  1415. My 3yo daughter yelled “Look! It’s Macheera!” Pronounced Mah – Chi – Rah, of course. No idea where that come from. I mean, we have a turtle named Ferris Wheel, 2 fish named Switch and Squeak and 2 toy puppies named Bella and Milk Factory. We just go with it. lol. If we don’t win I’m totally having to drive over the state line to the flea market in Texas to hunt one of these down!!!!!!!!!

  1416. Isn’t it obvious? This is King Edward the First… aka Long Shanks, aka Hammer of the Scots. This is absolutely his name on so many levels of rightness. Smug eyes and velvet pillow-like crown… yep, that’s soooo Edward I

  1418. Sir Clucks a Lot (boring but came to mind)
    Miss Prissy (seems obvious)
    Unknown gender isn’t helping me here 😉
    all the other good coca cola/cock references have been taken 😉

  1420. Her name is Lola (after the singer not the porn star, although being a metal chicken in a porn is not a bad thing. it’s just a little awkward for the director to give stage direction to certain types of fowl). It’s a well known fact that all metal chicken divas eventually succumb to the pressures of fame, so I don’t know if she would have a good life. After her first stint in rehab and troubles with the law, she may have to rely on her metal chicken good looks in order to produce a decent comeback album. Here’s hoping for happiness in 2012 for Lola: The Misanthrope Metal Chicken!

  1424. I would name her “La Fawnduh” , and she would stand proudly in my master bathroom next to my old ratty bath towels.

  1430. Katy Perry McCockwasher…because the only thing missing from that bitch’s portfolio is a metal chicken in a Coke commercial!

  1431. Love this. This chicken exudes cool.

    Willamina “Whiskey in my Coffee” Jackson.

    Because it’s ok to drink in the morning if you call it “sharpening your beak”.

  1439. I would name that lovely cock, O’Henry McNuggett.. Because clearly that is his name…

  1440. Oh, I think the dolls’ heads on stakes pretty made up for not posting for a while. (Like you really need to make it up. You have a life away from the keyboard!)

    At this stage in my life I would either name my chicken Walt or Gus. I’m thinking that because he’s a pollo, he needs to be Gus. He’d live in my garden and guard it with a box cutter. (There’s a pretty tenacious possum that lives in our tree that loves my tomatoes.) He’d pretty much have to live outside because there’s no way in hell that Hubby will ever let him into the house.

  1443. I live in Ireland and couldn’t find ‘small metal chicken’ on the post office’s list of price categories, but I imagine it’s rather expensive.

    As a tribute to your recent Who-ification, I would name him ‘The Mighty Chick-rafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxoraddenfode’, or Max for short.

  1444. 1067…wow I hope you see this post. Beyonce is my new life mascot. I would name a smaller version Merlin. (Merle for short).

  1446. martin van buren is awesome and does look rather smashing in his top hat!! LOVE mini-Beyonce!

  1451. It’s like Beyonce’s BABY!!! I love it! You always make me laugh! Have a great day!

  1452. Well, to me, it’s obvious that her name is Cleetus, a lesbian machinist from the second World War. She takes no crap.

  1453. Funky Brooster 🙂 my boyfriend took my to Laffayette a few weeks ago to show me around the city where he went to college. He was showing me this and that and all of a sudden I scream “Beyonce!! Pull over!!!” when he found out it was a giant metal chicken in front of a pottery store, he was unimpressed. 🙂

  1455. BB the 3rd. That is one cool chicken! I am sure my kids would come up with a much cooler name, but unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on who you ask, they are in school.

  1456. Redd Foxx. Because I saw the barbeque fork in the second picture (subliminally at first, I think), and a flight of ideas ran through my head and ended with the Redd Foxx comedy sketch “I want two forks.” You just can’t argue with that.

  1461. I would so name it after my wonderfully disturbed friend who introduced me to your blog….LUCRETIA!

  1463. i would name him Johnny Knoxville, knowing that my husband type person would hate him as much as he hates my obsession with the Jackass movies. I would proudly display Johnny on the table between the two blue velvet wing chairs that my husband type person also hates! I would carry on conversations with Johnny in the morning while I have my coffee, owning this metal chicken would fill me with GLEE!!

  1465. Cracker.
    BTW, someone bought the 12 foot metal chicken I’ve had my eye on that was on the side of the road in Northern Mississippi. It’s my own fault really, for not buying him when I had the chance. I didn’t know the scope of your influence and that my giant metal chicken would be swooped out from under me like that. 🙁 One of the reasons my husband was able to convince me to buy him a truck last month was so that he could go pick up my chicken. So now I am chicken-less with a truck-driving husband. I need this Cracker to make it!

  1466. I would name him Ferris Fowler and he would live in my fowl garden with the Sandiego the Crane, Arizona the flamingo, Houston the giant metal chicken that holds a flower pot, Arkansas (the chicken carved out of oak and from the backwoods of Arkansas, and the metal peacock bought from some side of the road in the middle of nowhere Arizona. He would fit right in with the rest of the cocks.

  1468. I’d be tempted to go with Gary Busey (because of the cocaine/Coke), but I think I’d choose Any Cock’ll Do.

  1470. I love him so much, I would probably name him Pecky Pecks-A-Lot… because I imagine that’s what he does in his free time. Or… if I would win him, Freeyonce would be fitting…

  1471. I would name him Lisa Marie. Because he looks like a Lisa Marie. But I already have two metal chickens on the scale of Lisa Marie, there, so you should give him to someone who is more lacking in the Lisa Marie-sized metal chicken department.

  1473. This chicken exudes cool.

    Willamina “Whiskey in my Coffee” Jackson.

    Because drinking in the morning is acceptable if you call it “sharpening your beak”.

  1475. I’d name him Argus, after Argus Panoptes, the guy in Greek mythology with lots of eyes, because he has clearly been blessed with a larger than typical number of eyes. Every day when I see him he’ll remind me how much weirder my life could be.

  1479. I would name it Gobbles. And then people would be like, “WTF? Chickens don’t gobble, turkeys do.” And I would be like, “Exactly.”. Then they would leave, confused and a bit frightened.

  1480. Blue Ivy Carter, of course. Or Jay-Z, because I imagine he’s the lesser of the two in that relationship.

  1481. Name him? Ivy Blue of course! Duh! or really I prefer, “ah, doy!” It’s an 80’s thing, you wouldn’t understand.
    I love the metal chicken, I love the cat and I do love the mounted heads in the background. Do tell, what are they? Does Victor approve? (just kidding) As if that mattered!
    I would proudly display Ivy Blue on the front porch behind a dead potted evergreen thing. I live in NYC so, I wouldn’t want just anyone walking by to see him, fall in love and steal him. Placed behind the nevergreen only me and the mail man would know he was there. If I had a giant Beyonce’ like you I would totally put him in the yard! Then everybody walking by could see him, do a double take, scream, “bomba clot!” and run away. I would be the coolest crazy white bitch in my neighborhood.

  1483. I’d name him Liza Minnelli, after my dead-as-of-yesterday special needs chicken. It’s like fate that I get a replacement Liza that would never die. Weirdly, nobody cried or anything when we got news that Liza Minnelli ( the live-but-now-actually-dead-one) died, like the universe knew that and was like: hold off grief, you are not needed here, she’s going to win a replacement un-die-able chicken in a few days, no need to trouble these people move along and go find someone else to trouble. So there, I’m probably going to use up all my winning mojo I have been saving and saving for powerball on this chicken thing. But then again I was reading a thread called “you know you are a crazy chicken lady if….” for most of the day yesterday so there is that also.

  1485. Undoubtedly, I’d name HIM Hank! Why?!? Because it’s obvious he’s a Hank.

    Hank and I (and possibly my dog Truffles), would venture out to the streets of Chicago taking the most-awesome-pictures-ever-of-a-chicken-in-Chitown. I can already imagine him in front of the giant Marilyn Monroe statue. He’d be fearless and proud! (Perhaps due to his Napoleon complex, but who cares!)

    My “good kind of weird” friends would probably not understand it.Nonetheless, they’ve be supportive . Ooh the memories I could create with Hank. I promise I’d send you pictures! This would also help check off “metal chicken” off my wish list, which has been ignored by all my friends and family.

    PS. I gave out shares of llamas and flocks of chickens and geese out for Christmas. Not sure they were appreciated as much as I’d hope they would be. With my friends, sometimes it’s like having multiple Victor’s.

  1486. I was in a local restaurant the other day (here in Tucson) and there was a small Beyonce on a high shelf in the restroom, abut the same size as this one. It took every fiber of my being not to try and shove it in my purse. Ok, really, I just hadn’t brought my purse into the restroom and though it would seem too suspicious if I went back to get it and then went back into the restroom and came out with my bag bulging. Also, this kid was waiting for the bathroom after me and he gave me a super mean look as I walked out so I was too afraid I might have to face him again.

    Anyway, this one strikes me as a Shakira.

  1487. My 4yr old Daughter wants to name it “ScareBa” because he is obviously scaring the kitty in the picture. My 3yr old son said “Chicky” that one has potential and my husband was the most unoriginal with “Rusty”. It only get consideration because I have an uptight cousin named Rusty and he would be oh so thrilled to know a metal chicken has been named after him. And by consensus this chicken is in fact a HE if he so chooses our home to live in. As for my name choice I think he looks like a Lawrence.

  1488. I would name her Soleil…because no matter how much she tries she will never be as big as Beyonce and will always live in her shadow despite desperate attempts for attention.

  1489. I’m thinking Doogie because He’s got googles on like Dr Horrible. Makes sense right. RIGHT.

  1490. First, those baby heads on spikes are disturbing in so many ways . . .

    . . . then came the baby heads on chains. Whole new level of creepy. Shudder.

    The bird would be named Inigo Montoya.

    Or Pepsi.

  1492. I currently have a creepy demon monkey holding a candle named William Wallace, so I’d probably name the chicken Blind Henry the Minstrel.

    Cause it makes sense.

  1493. Alan-a-Dale like the narrator in the animated Disney Robinhood movie.

    So I could say, “Alan… Allons-y!” ;0)

  1495. Since my resident giant metal chicken (who has a machete and is on permanent zombie-alert duty) is Thurston Fowl III, I’d name mini-chicken Thurston Fowl IV. Junior. :-)))

  1502. I would name him F-Bomb, since fuck, fucking, and all variations, seems to be my favorite word lately. Then I could say his name in “mixed company”, not that I care what people think, but my bosses usually do. By the way, someday I will be buying that fucking amazing F-Bomb t-shirt!

  1503. OMG my daughter would love this. I think he’s saying I’m Colonel Cluck at your service.

  1504. I have been acused of having an obsession with getting a giant metal chicken since your first post about Beyonce. If it’s a girl “Cilla, say it like Elvis (because the dogs are Ellie and Presley). If it’s a boy, Chaz Bono. But, are there boy chickens? No one has been able to answer that for me.

  1505. I’d name the metal chicken Connie Gonzales. She can be the South American delegate in our Home UN. We already have an Aussie delegate – Rupert the Wombat……a German/Europe delegate – Alan the Audi…..an Asia delegate – Harriet the Honda so Connie would make a lovely addition. Now all I need is something North American…….there’s always my husband……but he seems to think my naming of things absurd. WHATEVER. Oh wait! I have 2 snowmen twins! Jasper and Jeremiah! How did I forget them??! So there you have it – I MUST have Connie to round out my Home UN Committee. World Peace depends on it.

    P.S. Would gladly pay shipping!

  1506. Umm definitely

    HOT WIENERS.

    My 3 year old godson told me that’s what he wanted for dinner at a restaurant recently and he really meant chicken wings. I would display her at work on my desk because that’s how I roll.

  1507. I say, I say. Since that is clearly a rooster, I would name HIM Foghorn Leghorn the Third. I would rather not have to explain what happened to the Second; it’s all a very sad and depressing incident that was very traumatic for me and my dog….well, and probably for the Second too. So, yes. I say, I say….he is Foghorn Leghorn the Third and I will call him Trey for short.

  1508. Peachtree Pemberton the Carbonated. In honor of Atlanta, where Coke was founded

  1509. I really need to go take a picture of all the Beyonces that are down the highway here in Mississippi. There’s a store on the side of Hwy 49 that seems to have about 50 of them in the yard, all ranging from huge (I’m talking 10 feet tall) to about 2 feet tall.

    Anyway, if this particular Beyonce were to come to me, I would name her Dallas. She just looks like a Dallas.

  1514. The “Little Clucker”

    We have a few of them in the back garden – real ones, that is. I think a tin one would lead to all sorts of interesting conversations amongst my girls in the hen run…

    “Who’s the new guy?”

  1515. If he were mine, I would have to name him Professor Cahoots Van Pollo.. and he would be loved everyday!!!

  1516. Wow, there is no pressure to come up with a great name for a small sort of ginourmous metal chicken. But the fact is, if I got it, I would have tons of fun with it. I would use it to terrify our cat (named Puppy), our bearded dragon (named Cap’n McSh*tty Pants, but in front of the kids, he’s Cap’n McCrappy Pants) and maybe even let the dog and the kids look at my new treasure. BUT MOSTLY, I would find a way to get the bobblehead my husband had made of me to sit on the not-so-giant metal chicken, and maybe even cut up a leather boot to make a saddle for the bobblehead. Then I would send you stories of the adventures bobblehead Charlie and the ….OMWORD! I just figured it out! Since the chicken is made of coke cans, and I would be riding it with my bobbleheaded self, I WOULD CALL THE CHICKEN “COKE-WHORE!” Now if I don’t win this chicken, I’m going to need prozac, because I’m all excited about the adventures I could write about bobblehead Charlie and her sidekick metal chicken Coke-whore. We wouldn’t kill vampires, but we could certianly find SOME type of trouble to get into… and I’d send you pictures. (chicken)Scratch that. I WOULD MAKE YOU A MOVIE to put on your blog. Pinkie swear.

  1518. We have four chickens at home: Queen Copper Tenny Blacktail, Sylvia Snowball, Eggnatius J. Reilly, and Lucille II. QCTB is the last of our original four after our tiny (but, apparently, bloodthirsty) Pekingese got loose and terminated Liza (with a Z), Eggasuarus, and the other one whose name I can’t remember.

    To get back at the Pekingese, stupidly named Kiki, I’d name this chicken ???????????, which I can’t pronounce at all, but which Google translator tell me is Thai for “dog killer.”

  1524. I’m not very good at this whole naming thing, but he totally looks like a Groucho Marx to me. 🙂

  1527. As much as my husband hates it when i buy new towels, nothing compared to his anger the day i adopted a pet rooster that crows outside our bedroom window every morning at dawn. I named him Extra Crispy, so i would HAVE to name this mini Beyonce, “Original Recipe.”

  1528. I’m sure this has already been used, but my eyes were buggy after reading the first 200 responses, but Cocky McCockerson. You rule.

  1529. Henceforth, he shall be known as Cock-a-Cola…
    Shit, that’s taken.

    How about Kumquat then? No?

    Okay. I’ve got it… Towels. Towels McBathroom.

    Now we’ve got cock jokes AND toilet humor rolled up in one!

  1530. I think I would either name it Solange (Beyonce’s little sister) or Kelly Rowland (the often overshadowed member of Destiny’s Child). Either way I think it would work because both are cool but overshadowed by the fabulous Beyonce.

    I love all you do, Jenny… keep it coming!

  1531. My family really needs him, he would be Commander Cluckington and sit proudly beside General Piggington.

  1532. I think most people on here are trying too hard on their names. Keep it simple.

    How about something like “Mr. Jones”?

  1534. I’m pretty sure his name is Simon. And also I may have already commented on this but the computer keeps jumping all over cyberspace everytime I click submit.

  1540. Yes, well, apparently when I copied and pasted “???????????,” my web browser automatically (and frustratingly) converted it to “???????????,” thereby ruining my joke.

    Stupid computers.

  1542. His name would be Steve. Because for some reason it seems like it is THE THING to do to name every random thing Steve, and my husband’s name is Steve, and he would hate it if I named the metal chicken after him and all the other nouveau-Steves, and isn’t that totally in keeping with the whole spirit of pissing our husbands off? I thought so. So, pick me, randomly.

  1546. In keeping with the tradition of naming things after real people, I would name the chicken Fritz Zwicky. Also, because I’m a Physics teacher.

    Fritz Zwicky was an astronomer in the 1930s who discovered Dark Matter – the stuff that makes up some 90% of our universe, but no one’s ever seen it. Because it’s dark. Also, he is famous for referring to his colleagues as “spherical bastards”, because they’re bastards no matter which way you look at them. And, he was short. Like the chicken.

  1547. Alma….its her name. And I hope this isn;t doesn’t-posted…my computer (or me) seems fucked this morning.

  1549. His name will be Mother Clucker. He will sit on my desk over the sign that says “Don’t MAKE me drop a house on you” (we move houses occasionally so although there is a witch on the sign – probably representing me – I can, actually, probably, drop a house on you) and next to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer stake (which Dad says I’m not allowed to actually use on a real, live, customer – at least not until they’ve paid in full).

  1551. Beulah Maude Von Snark. Mostly because my father still thinks Beulah Maude is a beautiful name, and I’m glad my mother got to my birth certificate first.

  1557. Aww.. Orphan metal chicken?!?! Must be Oliver! But not just ol-iv-er, because he must be foreign. So Oliver! And since you can’t read pronunciations.. Oh-liv-e-a!

  1558. I would name him Richard Marx, because I already have/had Richard Marx, the filligree Peacock, but my husband made me change his name to Rob Halford, you know, ‘cuz he thought it sounded better. I miss Richard Marx. Rob Halford is always pumping his peacock fist in the air at me.

  1559. I’m partial to Coq au tin, except that sounds like a recipe. Mr Tibbs is good. One look at Mr. Tibbs standing on your desk, and I bet a whole horde of unruly school kids would shut the fuck up.

  1562. I love this entire blog….apology accepted!

    I’d name her “I win”, and when my husband and I are having one of our silly never ending circular arguments, like our most recent one about zombies and if tasers would actually affect them (I say no, because zombies feel no pain he says yes because there has to be some kind of muscle memory/nerves firing to make the zombie animated) I could grab the metal chicken and declare “I win!” She would become the new way to settle all arguments, first one to grab “I win” wins. The trick will be when I start hiding “I win” in random places knowing an argument is a brewing (like my sister just called and is planning on visiting with my nieces and of course I said they could stay with us, even though husband might be working nights that week…..this is all very hypothetical at this point, we’re still currently living in Japan but moving back to the states in 3 1/2 short months YAY!!)

    back to the question you posed: I’d name her “I win” and she will help insure that I win all arguments in my home from now until my husband finally stops arguing with my flawless logic!

  1564. I’d name him “Saint Gregory the Great” – because, well, he looks like a “Greg”.

  1568. Plain and simple.. Marvin. It’s perfect. I could like put him in my room and complete my not-actually-started metal chicken collection of awesome.

  1569. i would name her, tat-ting (pronounce ‘that thing’) as in What the hell is that thing? (that is what my husband would say.)

  1571. Holy crap, Jenny – you just totally made my day. My office people were peeking in my office to see why I was laughing and crying and holding my belly so I wouldn’t hurt myself. Oh, and I got new chairs too!

  1572. I would name him Moa. (Moa means chicken in Hawaiian, but if you speak with a Southern accent, it sounds like you’re saying ‘more’.) My therapist says that metal chickens are an essential part of my coping mechanisms. (Ok, no she didn’t, but wouldn’t it be cool if she did?)

  1573. I’d name him Quackers… as in ‘Quackers is Quazy Wack’… I’d use him at work to peck others into happiness. If Quackers was on your desk you’d know you were having a better day (but previously were having a bad one)… although all the bloody peck marks covering you after my attack would probably be more obvious.

    Sigh…this sounded better in my head. BUT I NEED QUACKERS! I would be willing to accept another name… although chickens don’t quack so it’s confusing on many points.

  1575. Amy Pond.

    Because I imagine this little chicken makes a squeaky, rusty ruckus just like she does. You don’t want to like her, but for some reason you just can’t stop watching her. Slightly annoying, but fascinating all the same!

  1579. Rhianna. Her name is Rhianna. She is a cross-dressing rooster.

    And seriously, I NEED THIS ~ I collect Coca-Cola cack, and this CHICKEN IS MADE FROM AWESOME!

  1580. I would name her Yoshimi. Then I could blare the Flaming Lips and dance with her. She looks like she knows how to get funky!

  1581. Perhaps Eddie Izzard is running a ‘babies on spikes’ art installation. He’s in the country touring. Coincidence. Doubtful. [See his Dressed to Kill comedy special if the previous statement made no sense to you.]

  1583. I’d name her Lurleen.
    Because this one time, I was on a trip to Vegas and totally sober and I saw a woman with the biggest yellow wig and floral blouse and she just oozed character. And I wished I’d known her and I should’ve talked to her but I was intimidated by her character. So anyway I see her here in the airport before we even leave and damn if she’s not on my plane. And then the whole big place of Vegas and over 4 days I see her now and again like I was stalking her which I totally wasn’t. And her name was Lurleen. Only I have no idea what her name was because I didn’t talk to her and I should’ve and I didn’t even hear anybody call her name, but it really seemed like I owed it to her to give her one. And so it was Lurleen.
    I wonder what Lurleen is doing now and how she is?

    And that’s why I’d name the chicken Lurleen. In honor of Lurleen. Yeah.

  1586. I actually think it’s a SHE and not a HE because it looks like a “TinCanSally” to me… just sayin’ 🙂

  1587. John Calvin. He looks like he’s got some spritual protesting to do. Every morning at dawn.

  1588. This mini-Beyonce would be perfect company for my husband’s humanoid fighting robots Kai, Oro, and Krunk. Battlebots with a (non-moving) metal chicken seems a little unfair though. On the poor defenseless robots, of course.

    I think her name would have to be Lolita.

  1589. I love how your brain is wired. I think the rooster should be named Chuck Norris. Because he’s bad ass. And he’s from fucking Texas. Which is where I am from. Which makes me bad ass. See? We belong together!!

  1590. Blue Ivy is the first thing that springs to mind, but it was missing something. Namely, a last name. So, if you were to gift me with Beyonce’s baby, I would name it Blue Ivy von Jimmy-Jims Carter (esq). And I would take her to college with me to use as companion, study buddy, and towel rack.

  1591. We (my 9 year old daughter & I) would name him Marion as Marion is my husband’s real first name (which he does not like). Antagonizing him is very much fun. He loves Victor and often “feels sorry” for him when I read your blogs to him; I think that’s projection because my kind of crazy is a lot like yours aside from the haunted doll house. My husband also drinks an unhealthy quanity of Coke every day (8-12 cans), so the fact that Marion the Chicken is made of Coca Cola goes to show that he belongs in our home. And although I have been searching for our own Mother Fucking Chicken, I haven’t found one. It would be nice for there to be actual metal foul around when we all randomly scream, “Chicken Down.” (Yes, we do this often…it’s like we have Bloggess Stalking Tourette’s).

  1593. Sorry, as a blues dancer I’ve got to name her Etta. She looks like she knows the meaning of A Sunday Kind of Love.

  1594. I think his name would HAVE to be Captain Shitsnacks. Simply because I laugh every time you say “Shitsnacks” and what goes better with Captain than Coke? Nothing, I tell you!!! NOTHING! The name of the game is ‘I win’. ;o) LOL!!!

  1596. I would name him Brian Boitano. Then we could ask “What would Brian Boitano do?”

  1597. His name is Bertram.

    (When I was pregnant with my last boy, I didn’t want to tell people what his name was so when asked, I would say, “either Bertram or or Hubert.” It is remarkable how many different faces a person can make before they stutter out, that’s…. nice. Is it… is it a family name?)

  1598. I’d name it Jay-Z. If there’s a giant metal chicken named Beyonce in this world, then there HAS to be one named Jay-Z. Otherwise, the Earth would be knocked off its axis and explode. Or implode. I don’t know how science works.

  1599. Cock-a-Cola Bueller – because I’d think of Ferris and your blog every time I look at him. And he’s a chicken and he’s cola. And I’d set him up to kill vampires – if I find a casket and a small knife with fake blood for him to hold in his beek.

  1604. PS. We’re going on the JoCo Cruise Crazy II starting February 19th. If I win, I may have to take Robert C. Baker on the cruise, because Paul & Storm will be there too.

  1605. Lady Marmalade of Bellshire Hells(and no, this is not a typo) would perfectly happy in my home, where she would spend 1/2 the month while spending the other 1/2 of the month with my sister….We long ago decided that we would have to share custody of her. We will be handling the custody outside of the courts since all 10 attorneys that I contacted this morning hung up on me. So I am assuming that they are just having phone problems, probably. I am just taking that as a sign that all the attorneys can’t afford to pay for good phone service, and if they are that cheap then they don’t deserve to handle such a delicate affair as to decide who has custody of Lady Marmalade of Bellshire Hells. She would be given so much love and spoiled rotten, even if we did get eye rolls from our Victor Jr’s.

  1608. Her name is Selma. Why? Because my husband has a ting for Selma H and I need a replacement for his attraction to her. 🙂

  1613. An apartment-sized Beyonce would be perfect for me, since I live in an apartment! Plus the mini-Beyonce is clearly cat friendly, so they will get along well with my kitty, Foo. As far as a name goes…I think I would have to name them Egon the Werechicken, after my very favorite Ghostbuster, who was bitten by, and subsequently turned into a werechicken in an episode of the Real Ghostbusters.

  1616. I looked at the lovely apartment sized metal chicken pictured above for longer than I’d care to admit, but no name jumped out at me. So I thought, “Well, I guess I’ll go be responsible and do the stuff I need to do and think about it.’ As I put on my highly responsible seriousface knitted rooster hat, Birdinand, something prompted me to look at the screen again. That’s when Birdinand whispered in my ear… her name is Lorena, she is fabulous, and they are soulmates. Together, they could rule the world. … Or… at least, my apartment.

  1617. I am in need of a slightly-larger-than-a-cat-sized metal chicken to watch over my cats while I am otherwise occupied. I would name it Kenny Rogers.

  1619. I think she would be “lil beyonce” Though my 3 year old would probably just call her chicken

  1620. Mr. Sassypants Roosterface. Because I only name things with names that sound good when you are yelling them like someone is in trouble. Like, “Ok, Mr. Sassypants Roosterface get your fanny in here and clean up this chicken shit you left on the counter!” Works for kids names too.

  1621. Coke-a-doodle-do, for obviously reasons.

    And you’re so awesome, which you know already.

  1622. LilWayne. We’ve already got a small tattooed up garden gnome with that name but I think the chicken could probably smack the gnome around and claim the name.

  1623. Maybe some combination of bloggess and chicken…blogken? Blicken? Chlogess? Chlogken? Not my best work but man, if she came to live with me, I would love that chicken with all of my weird little heart.

  1624. Illyrio Cluckleston, clearly. (Why yes, I have been reading Game of Thrones lately.)

  1626. Omg, pick me!!! pick me!!!! I would love to do the knock knock motherfucker with a real Beyonce!!

  1634. I would name him Sir Cola Shitsnacks the First, to give tribute to his origins as well as his discovery. Also because I insist their must be another like him somewhere, but he is better so he is the The First. I MUST HAVE HIM! He is amazing and I’m in love. Please? #furiouslyhappy

  1636. Talitha Fiona – sounds like a regal and smarty pants smart person name not just the name of a hot and sexy metal chicken…

  1638. His name is Carlcola Marx. Because as anyone can see, he is a communist. (and he seems to love Cola, as he has tattooed it across his wing).

  1639. Horatio because it looks like he’s blew some horns in his long, rusty life. I have a Beyonce in my kitchen window so his life would be complete….I’ll just find him a horn since it doesn’t look like he plays harmonica.

  1640. Helllooooo, Zorro [the metal chicken]!

    Also, Ferris Mewler looks just like my cat, Misha M’koo.

  1641. I suppose Rooster Cogburn has already been spoken for? How about Rooster Cogs-burn? Or Rooster Cogs-bum?

    Seriously, I think might name him Frankenchicken, but the gender would be wrong. How about Lechter, to go with my cat (black, of course) named Hannibal?

    Yeah, Lechter is is.

    I cannot believe there is a children’s book about MODERN mummies. Good grief, what are they teaching our children? What’s next, how to become a vampire? Oh, wait, those books have already been written and sold and turned into a multi-million-dollar-grossing series of movies.

  1643. I would have to go with Shitsnackers because that’s what you screamed when you saw him.

  1647. Rodrigo but we’d call him Roddy for short. He could chill with my attack gnomes. They have gotten lax and only attack on Thursdays. I want to say old age…but I think I’m over feeding.

  1648. I would name him Clarence. I love your duck the vampire hunter scene, by the way. It’s adorable.

  1649. OMG I don’t know why.. he reminds me of Humphrey Bogart on the African Queen! I’d call him Humphrey Cluckart. But then I’d have to buy him Katherine Hepcluck to go with him.

  1651. I would name him Kurt Von Trapp for no other reason than Kurt being my favorite of the Von Trapp family and I have the Lonely Goatherd song stuck in my head.

  1653. That is the most awesome duckling vampire hunter I have ever seen. All I have is a peep full of pens.

  1660. It’s Cameron Fry, of course!
    (Ferris’s best friend. Clearly, Ferris Mewler is a wise, old cat and recognized him immediately.)

  1661. This chicken should absolutely be named Aretha! Loving the duck – he looks so lifelike, which is fitting for a vampire hunter ….

  1663. Financiala (pronounced like Tarantula)– the very best name ever, as declared by my four year old.

  1664. I would name him ……Lamar, the Prince of Canada…..and when I say Lamar…I mean like a cool Lamar like Reading Rainbow Lamar…Not the tool shed Lamar like…”I am married to a Kardashian Lamar”

  1667. I would name him “Coq du fuqueri.” And he would be treasured above all of my other cocks.

    Take that as you will.

  1668. I laughed
    I cried
    I stopped to consider what I should name the stuffed raccoon I found in my barn.

    At least I think it’s stuffed…tbh, I’m not sure if it’s not just cold, it HAS been frigid the past few nights. Raccoons are friendly, right? I’ve heard that hugging with fangs is the new “thing”.

  1669. Chickita Miranda Appenzeller…

    And Martin rocks! Somebody has to pick up the slack after Buffy..

  1670. I would name him ‘Gerrit’ – but that’s because I name every animal I meet Gerrit. Like Gerrit-the-spider-in-front-of-my-office-window (who disappeared three months ago) and the neighbor’s cat (who kills birds, but is otherwise not dead himself) and Gerrit the Lady Bug which I accidentally slayed with the weed whacker after naming it Gerrit, which still gets me choked up. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of death associated with Gerrit. Getting Gerrit the metal chicken might break the cycle! Who knows. I might have to start a Keep Gerrit Alive (Any Gerrit) Fund instead..

  1672. I am thinking “Shitsnacks ” , because it would really annoy my husband, however everything other then my husband and myself that resides in my home has a name that begins with a b, so it would only be appropriate to give it a “B” name; and then Beyonce also begins with a “B” so it would only be appropriate. So I think it’s name shall be Bernard, because it looks a little more like a rooster than a chicken. Bernard Cluckerstein.

  1675. I would name him 99 Problems (but a bitch ain’t one). 99 for short. Oh how I adore him.

  1676. I can’t check all the comments to make sure nobody else has suggested it but I’d go with:

    Sir Crow-ca Cola

    He looks noble doesn’t he?

  1677. I would name him Axel Lars Andersson, because I live in Sweden and he’s definitely an authentic Swedish rooster.

  1680. The obvious name for a second metal chicken when the first is “Beyonce” is…

    Beytwice.

    (BEY-TWYCE-EEEY, stop pretending you’re a vampire! You’re making Martin nervous.)

  1685. I’m what they call a “lurker” but I’m de-lurking, because I would LOVE to win that chicken. I would name him Dick Hardly.

  1689. I’d name the chicken Evelyn Evelyn after the Amanda Palmer album because of the song Chicken Man!

  1691. That duck looks just the tiniest bit vicious, underneath all the sweet soft and partially hand-painted exterior. Just, you know. In case any incidents occur around the home and you’re searching for suspects. First stop: Martin.

    Because I could *not* name the smallish metal chicken Freddie Mercury (because that’s my french bulldog’s name), I think I’d go with…Jeff Goldblum. There just seems to be a likeness, there.

  1693. Ryan Gosling II….even though he’s obviously not a gosling but a chicken and nobody could ever take the place of the original Ryan Gosling because…..well….just because

  1694. The obvious choice, of course, is to name this mini-Beyonce after the human mini-Beyonce, Blue Ivy. But that’s too literal. So how about Blue Steel?

    I love this chicken.

  1695. Pope Sixtus IV, or the Pontiff formerly known as Francesco della Rovere. But mostly, we’ll refer to him as “Exhibit A”.

    Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

  1696. As is my habit of naming things after those who inspire me, she shall be named Anastasia Beaverhousen, or Cassandra Elvira. Coin toss.

  1697. After much deliberation, I have chosen the name “Sir Snowden Bluetail” He just looks regal, thus the “Sir”….the Snowden part I get from Coke (aka snow) and Bluetail, well that’s obvious. I really think Sir Snowden Bluetail needs to come to Canada and live with me where he can be treated like the royalty that he is!! Cheers!

  1698. I would name him Senor Rusty Adobo Huevos M. Cucker! The M stands for “Mutha” (of course). He deserves a long prestigious, pretentious, exotic name with a kick ass ending. Plus he’s Mexican so that’s awesome. He would sit by my fridge and judge my late night snacking habits.

  1699. I would put him EVERYWHERE. He would end up in lots of unexpected (although appropriate upon reflection) places.

    So, I would name him Knock-Knock so when people said, “who’s there?” I would say, “Me. I’m metal. I’m a chicken. And I’m everywhere.”

  1701. Ferris Mewler’s paws are quite fantastic. I’d name the metal chicken “Coke is shit.” You see, I’m a Pepsi girl.

  1702. I would name him Maison. He would be the King of my linen closet, well once I cleaned it out and bought some new towels for his throne.

  1703. Bubbles Monsoon

    The cola reminds me of bubbles and that reminds me of your wine slushie habit (even though there are probably no bubbles in a wine slushie) and that reminds me of Edina Monsoon from AbFab.

  1706. Her name would be Tabitha Smythe-Whittaker. Because when I look at that chicken the name Tabitha just FITS.

  1707. I went to the largest flea market in Florida (an hour drive) looking for metal chickens. You just stumble upon them. Well, not literally upon them because then you would need a tetanus shot, but I envy your luck.

    The chicken’s name is Isiz Sharpe. And she is a cross-gendered hen who has always had trouble identifying with egg layers. When she first became aware of her body changing and preparing to roost, she panicked and begged her farmer for hormone therapy. Since that day, Isiz has grown a bright comb and identified as “Al Capon”*.

    I would be able to provide Al with a safe home that he can establish himself as how he sees himself.

    *Capon- male castrated chicken. I have done my research, now send me Al!!

  1712. Okay, maybe this is because I just had a Looney Tunes marathon (the classic episodes of course, cause what’s a cartoon without some mild violence? I have had enough of the mild PC cartoons on Disney & PBS…) with my four-year old twins, but I would totally name him Foghorn Leghorn. And yes, I know that is a rooster name, and this is a chicken, but what else can you name a giant bird from Texas…only after another giant bird with a southern accent.

  1713. What to name a kitty-sized, metal, mini, Beyoncé? That’s difficult. I should be listening to my public speaking professor discuss speech act theory vs theory of infallibility, but instead I choose to ponder this quandary. *pause for deep thought* Got it! I would dub this majestic creature Hobart Herp-a-derp Valdez! I named all things “Hobart” throught out my childhood and even into my adolescence. Herp-a-derp because that’s what we would do together: Herp and Derp all over town. And Valdez because I’m Hispanic and have to choose something to rep my Hispanic…ness. Even if I do not receive this splendiforious work of art, I am confident he/she will be given to a lovely home xo

  1715. Oh, ps, I’d totally name my mini giant chicken Winston Churchill.
    He seems like he’d be an inspiration to all.
    He’s also most DEFINITELY English.

    And quite possibly an aristocrat, but I might just be hoping…

  1716. Obviously her name is Mergatroid Michalean Moore….I really do not know why all of you are naming MY big metal chicken…Jenny please put her on the next flight home 🙂

  1717. I would name him Jim Hen-son, of course. Plus, my husband’s name is James but he goes by his middle name of Brad. We definitely need a Jim in the family.

    Love your posts. I have cried in laughter.

  1718. I’d name him Victor.

    And by the way, you’ve inspired me (in so many ways). The hubby and I are going to build a garden shed… but it will also be a tardis.

  1719. I’d name him Francisco McShanksalot; he looks sorta Italian and like he would cut you.

  1720. I have a metal chicken that we call BJ, for Beyonnce Jr. (and because it embarrasses the kids.), if this was my chicken we’d have to call him The Promise. (Sweet Potato Queen reference.)

  1721. Right, it looks like there are loads of people commenting, so I don’t actually expect you to read mine, down here at the bottom of the list BUT I can’t resist naming the chicken, especially as I’ve been searching the net for the past few months looking for a Giant Metal Chicken of my own, purely for the look on my husbands face when he realizes I’m serious about having a Giant Metal Chicken.

    I would name this Little Metal Chicken: Mr. Mc Clucker.

    Should you really have the time or chance to read my name choice, then I just want to say “Thank you”, thank you for the laughs, smiles, and letting me know I’m not alone with my quirky sense of humor and ability to turn nearly any situation into an adventure.

    Can’t wait for the book to come out, I’ve already pre-ordered on iTunes store.

  1723. Stabby mcSlaughterpants. i want another cat so i can name him that, but then i’d be a cat lady. a metal chicken would do nicely.

  1724. I would name him Dillhole, probably. I would also make him a bunch of oddly shaped clothing and he would become an integral focus point during my occasional drunken TV-watching/maniacal-plan-making social evenings.

  1727. I would have to go with the name Blue…short for Blue Ivy…except I could go around shouting “You’re my boy blue” whenever I wanted.

  1730. I would name him BlueJay.

    Also, I would like to ask that you give this post special consideration (even thought BlueJay isn’t really that great of a name) because I have just been uprooted from my lovely Colorado home and dropped into suburban Texas. 🙁 And what could be a better housewarming present than the son of Beyonce the giant metal chicken?

  1734. I’m jealous of your duck, and I’d like to win your metal chicken.
    Although I’d probably have to give it to my mother. Because she would like a Baby Beyonce EVEN MORE THAN I DO.

  1735. My mom told me to go check The Bloggess, so I did, and when I told her I needed a name for Mini-Beyonce she looked at me like I was insane.
    So I think it’s quite obvious that his name has to be Reginald Jason Freeman, and perhaps he could be the long lost brother of Morgan Freeman. I mean…Why not? And should I win, my Mother won’t be able to tell me that I can’t put him outside in the yard, or in her closet so he stares at her while she is asleep…

  1736. Hank. Tough but soft, and to honor his southern roots. And because I wanted to name our kitten Hank. But my children chose Caesar. I know. But what can you do?

  1737. Oh, just hell. There are so many comments here, I’ll never win Stinkyfeet O’Shaughnessy, the Wonder Chicken. Of course, that’s just his superhero identity. When he walks with the commoners he’s totally known as Preston O’Malley, a gourmet chef who specializes in deep-fried desserts and other fair foods. Stinkyfeet, I should add, has a little scotch problem, but I think that makes him the most endearing superhero ever. It’s because his mother ended up at a discount towel warehouse; he felt abandoned and buried his sorrows in Abundah. He saves the world from bad guys, global warming (but not really) and Healthy Choice dinners. He’s a very specific superhero.

    And no one will ever know if you don’t send him to me. Also, if you do, I promise he will have a good life on sunny St. Pete Beach, Florida. He will have his own Facebook page [with pictures of him on the beach as well as posing with Elmo, Scuppers and The Most Interesting Dog in the World (https://twitter.com/#!/TMIDitWorld) ]so you can keep up with him, and he will have a steady diet of scotch and deep-fried fair foods at his disposal.

    I’d like to add that I write for a local weekly paper that has, in its 101 year history, held a voter referendum on chickens and then had another chicken-fueled debate in the past few years. We take our chickens very fucking seriously down here, and I feel like my readers would give Stinkyfeet O’Shaughnessy the respect he deserves, the attention he craves, and the love his life currently lacks.

    Finally, I need him. I quit smoking; I’ve started eating better, and I’ve cut down on my drinking. Is a tiny metal chicken too much to ask? Really?

  1739. Clearly his name is “The Duke” on account of his regal bearing, but when I am mad at him I’ll call him “The Duck.”

  1740. I would totally call him Malcom Xanax… He’s one f-ng fierce chicken, like Beyonce, and yet brings me such a sense of calm, like my beloved xanax. And then I can call him Malcom X for short, and *I* will know, but nobody else will, and I’ll dissolve into a fit of giggles.

  1742. A top hat can class up the wildest of beasts. Including street hookers.

    Also my chicken is Mr. Sheldon Cockypop Copperkins. I’ve cleared off a lovely spot next to my husband pub sign. I really hope he can come live with me!

  1744. Oh, he NEEDS to be mine! I would name him Salonge, because he knows how it feels to be a smaller, less fabulous Beyonce.

  1747. I would call this beauty LaTavia — the member of Destiny’s Child who got kicked for having a mind of her own.

  1750. Barry. As in Barry White because I believe, when prompted (or necessary), that metal chicken could wail.

  1751. I would name him Mr. Darcy, because everyone needs a Mr. Darcy around and he would have a place of honor on the kitchen counter.

  1755. I would name him Bronco. Look at that cold, steely gaze as he stands fearlessly on the counter while a predator stalks right behind him. That’s a chicken who’s seen action, and knows how to handle himself in dangerous situations.

  1756. I would name him Captain Blue Beak and set him up on a pirate ship and give it to my fiance as a wedding present. Nothing says “till death do us part” like a pirate chicken!

  1757. I think I love you!. that is all! Oh, and it owuld be really dangerous if we would ever go to the flea market together!

  1758. I WANT this chicken. I would name it Ann Boleyn and invite it to a tea party with Beyonce, Ferris Mueller and my dog Chewbacca. On the menu? Chicken salad sandwiches.

  1759. I’d name him Edward Lugwing II. mostly b/c I tried to play one of those 2 words today on Words with Friends and I *still* think it should be a legit word and well the other word just goes well with aforementioned word. he’s a “second” due to the fact Im pretty sure, even without Googling, that there is a 1st already out there, let him pave the way for Eddie. thatisall.

  1760. I’d call mini Beyonce ‘Quackers McPhee’ because then people would be all like ‘Why is it named Quackers? It’s not a duck’ and I could be all like ‘Well, what kind of an animal racist are you ANYWAY? Can’t a chicken dream?’ And i think I should have the chicken (please) because my husband is very uncooperative when it comes to including Count Carl von Wormsbad (the worm that lives on our bedroom ceiling) in famly conversations. I think he needs to learn to share more. My husband, that is. Count Carl is perfectly civilized.

  1762. Such a fine example of rooster excellence….He looks kind of like a:
    Buford Blue-Tail from Buda

  1763. His name is Captain Bowen, Captain Norman Bowen to be precise. He is grateful to you for getting him out of such a dreadful and dangerous situation. Infiltrating the hoard of cloned metal chickens wasn’t easy and he had to sit through quite a number of extensive plastic surgeries just to fit the part. Too bad he hadn’t formed an escape plan prior to going under cover….but then you DID rescue him, so perhaps he had it planned all along?

  1765. Well. I was going to ask my husband if he would mind me having a Beyonce-esque chicken, but when I went to find him I discovered that I DON’T HAVE ONE. This basically means that I don’t need to worry about offending him, but I might need to be concerned that I’ll never get one if I start collecting chickens. Of course, maybe having all those chickens would be better than being a cat lady (no offense, Ferris Mewler), because fake chickens don’t eat. Much. I think I’ll just name it Husband. Then I can say my husband doesn’t mind the chickens.

  1767. Ooooh, I would totally name him Bogart McCann! And I love the duckling vampire slayer more than I imagined I could enjoy a taxidermied duckling.

  1768. Blue Ivy….Beyonce’s kid….and if I win Miss Blue then we be related!!! Kinda!?!?!

  1769. I can’t decide if he’s a Balki Bartokomous or a Mr. Belvedere. I think probably Balki Bartokomous. He doesn’t look very “British butler living in Pittsburgh” to me…

  1770. I would name it Phillipeee and you have to say it with french accents…

    and then i would go buy it chicken glasses, because i have just recently found out that they have those for chickens! for real!

  1771. His full name is Rhynocoris Iracundus. But I’ve nicknamed him bilious. He is so very dreamy.

  1774. I would name him Franklin D. Roosecluck as he is obviously a bad-ass motherfucker. He cares not for the feline predator approaching and is ready to defend his counter with force if necessary.

    At least I assume that is the purpose of the giant fork in the second picture.

  1781. i only want it if it’s the one from the second picture….with the complimentary steak skewer. His name is obviously Knight First White-Meat.

  1783. I would name the chicken “Sassoon” because his tail makes me think of Sassoon hairstyles! Also, it’s a kinda cool name!

    Alos, I love the book recommendation! I read the excerpt and laghed out loud. Thanks for that.

  1784. You are so awesome, I keep telling my husband I want to be your best friend. That being said I’m torn between Baby Bloggess or Lady Marmalade. I hope I win she’d look kick ass by my front door.

  1785. I would name it Bob Stevens.

    Many moons ago as a teenager, my then-boyfriend, Darrin, worked at acampground in the summer each year. One time when I went to visit him, a man walked by and said hello. “Who’s that?” I asked. “Bob Stevens,” he replied. We continued on our way. Shortly after, another man walked by and chatted us up. “Who’s that?” I asked. “Bob Stevens,” he replied. Wait…how…what? He just looked at me and giggled. Third person, this time female walked by and said hello, Darrin. “Who’s that?” I asked. “Bob Stevens,” he replied. Rolling my eyes now…okay…I get it, smart-ass. LOL.

    Fast forward 6 months to Valentine’s Day. He gifted me a stuffed bear which I promptly named none other than…yep…you guessed it, Bob Stevens. I had that bear all through college. I eventually ended up marrying my sweet Darrin. 4 years later, I lost him to cancer (our daughter was 9 months old). My best friend, my soulmate, gone from this earth. Somewhere since his death and subsequent move to a new house, Bob Stevens has vanished. :(. Heartbreak. I hope I find him someday.

    When I read one of your blogs for the very first time, it was about Beyonce. I haven’t laughed that hard in many, many years. Darrin used to make me laugh that hard. Pure sarcastic, sweet abandon. Thank you for that gift. I’d almost forgotten what that was like. Bob Stevens seems the only logical choice for a name if the metal chicken was mine. Long live Bob Stevens!

  1786. Opportunity Monday: I think I was meant to see your contest and enter it. I have been trying to come up with a kick ass nickname for myself because all of the ones that I have been given so far in life aren’t any fun or all that catchy. Since no one in my life is really going for ME being called “The Phantom” (which really doesn’t fit my personality at all, which is why it’s so perfect for me) I will name the chicken, “The Phantom” and it hide her around the house/yard. I’ll tell my husband that he needs to look for her and he’ll give me the same look that I believe Victor gives you on a regular basis (just a hunch). Eyes really are the window to the soul.

    I think “The Eagle” would also be a great name for a chicken that was made out of aluminum coke products and metal scraps -catchy and ironic. I will take good care of “The Phantom” or “The Eagle” and she’ll never want for anything…except maybe a little brother or sister chick because I’m done having chicks after this one.

  1787. I would name him… Cluck McFuck. The rooster who refused to be “censored”..

  1788. I would name her Aflockalypse Johnson. Besides, I’m about to move to corpus and will be working from home for the first time in my life. My desk needs some pizzazz and I need a welcome to Texas present from the Bloggess.

  1790. I would name the rooster Margret Thatcher. Even though it’s a rooster and not a chicken, Margret Thatcher was a leading woman in a mans world and she was known as the Iron Lady hence the tie in to it being a metal rooster/chicken.

  1791. I can’t decide if it will be male or female. Metal chickens tend to lack the necessary parts for making such a determination (I SO hope).
    If it’s a lady, then Lavinia. Wentworth for a boy.
    PS. I would love to win this because I live in a New York City apartment and I need more stuff to fill the IMMENSE SPACE. *dies a little inside* PLUS, I have a new baby who enjoys the shiz out of colorful items. Don’t worry, I’d make sure she’s at least five before playing with such a sharp metal object. For now, lookzies only. See? Responsible parenting.

  1793. It’s your choice, of course, but I would just like to say I think Desertbell (comment #39) with the name “Holly S. Hitsnacks” should be the winner. Also, Renee (comment #934) with “Jean-Luc” is a close second in my opinion.

    Just for the record, I have no idea who Desertbell or Renee is and he/she/it did not compensate me in any way for this comment.

    You can also pick me, if you like. I’d name the chicken “Liberace”.

    I will now return to my regularly scheduled (HA!!) life.

  1794. Hahaha.

    Ok, I know I entered above (163), but now I am for my husband.
    You’ll have to laugh- even if you don’t pick us, just keep the imagery.

    My husband is a Marine who was injured in Afghanistan, and is currently at Wounded Warriors Battalion. He showed your page to the guys, and decided that this chicken would be named Sir Rouster of the Cock Variety III. He would not be told to any of the command, just placed somewhere outside of there office and a picture taken every time they were being a ‘cock’.

    Also to be used to inform a Marine that who they are currently ‘enjoying’ in their room is a Barracks Rat. Said Rouster would be placed outside the door, and again, pictures taken of the reactions. Apparently there is already talk of a YouTube Montage.

    Have to love Marines and what happens when bored. This could be the beginning of a new military tradition! We will see them in Afghanistan, on ship, in the field …O.M.G.

  1795. I’m horrible with names. So it would probably have to be Gertrude. She just looks like a Gertrude. Small and only a little pretty (because none of us are ugly) and a little rusty in spots. Yes… Gertrude would be perfect.

  1796. I would totally name it Gerald – Gerald “Shorty” Huffersnoot. The 3rd. And he obviously has a drinking problem.

  1799. Elephant.
    I’m sorry. I don’t work well under pressure. I’m so excited by the chance to win!

  1800. He looks like he has jowels, I think I’d call him Grover Cleveland because of the jowels.

  1804. OMG I NEEEEED mini Beyonce!!!! My friend (and coworker) have developed a very unhealthy obsession. We have snuck into people’s yards to take pics w their Beyonces. We have our whole office on Beyonce look out, because we need to own one. As for a name, I’m thinking Rascal. Because we would definitely get into some serious mischief w him.

  1805. My boyfriend NEEDS that chicken. About 6 months ago, he introduced me to your blog, mostly to give me a better way to deal with my day-to-day than screaming “My coworkers are ASSHOLES.” The experience introduced a whole new set of favorite phrases…like “Knock, Knock MF” and “Feeling Stabby” and also a new game called Guess Who Tweated This. The only way to properly thank him is to get him his very own big metal chicken from Texas. I will name her Mother Clucker, and she will be loved…and he will know he’s appreciated…and the kitchen will be pretty.

  1809. I would name her Jennyonce, and look at her every day for courage to face the day ahead.

  1810. I’d name him “Breadbox”.

    That way, when people get confused and wonder what I’m talking about, I can tell them I’m referring to my miniature-giant cock.

  1814. One would think that with all the things you end up buying and bringing home Victor would say yes immediately to a mundane request for bath towels, but to each his own I guess.

    I haven’t read the other comments (I’m squeezing you in between dentist appointments..because I love you more than teeth) so I don’t know if someone else has taken my wonderful name, but I would name him Punky. Punky Rooster.

    Yes, I would. He’s already got big hair…think of the 80’s stuff I can dress him in. I guess he should be a girl, huh?

  1815. I would name her Betty Cocker. And she’d be the greatest cock of the walk… Whatever that means.

  1819. To me he looks like he is sporting a yellow turtle neck…so I would have to go with Bert…but honestly if he is Bert then an Ernie is essential….LOL

  1820. That chicken is obviously called Mortimer Von Bockenstein.

    He looks like he needs a top hat too and a smart cane under his metal wing.

  1821. Wow, a lot of people want the metal chicken! I’ll add my entry too – cuz it’s a metal chicken! And in my mind, it’s mine, for just a second.

    I’d call him Wanda, short for Wanderer – because he looks kinda listless. And Wanda would be free to turn up anywhere in my apartment, including on top of my sleeping roommates!

  1822. Either Michelle – the forgotten Destiny’s Childor Ke$ha. But then I’d need to add glitter. And dirt.

  1824. I would name him “Mr. Bojangles” because my husband wants to get a dog and name him that, but we can’t get a dog because I am allergic to *EVERYTHING* – except apartment-sized metal chickens.

    A metal chicken is an acceptable replacement for a dog right?

  1825. I’d love to bring home Admiral Lock Jaw. I’m sure my husband would only mind a little.

  1827. I think we can all agree that the only name for that particular bird is Sir Fowls-alot.
    He seems to be the ultimate “foil” for Beyonce.

  1830. I would name her Norooster Helmer and give her to my friend for her 40th birthday in honor of her first step in finding her new life.

  1831. You should name him “Kimber’s Chicken”. That way, you’d be FORCED to bequeath him to me.

  1833. This post made me laugh out loud. I would name the chicken Father Shitsnack (per your comment “holy shitsnacks”) and make him a little clerical collar.

  1834. Charles G. Dawes (Calvin Coolidge’s VP). I already have an entire wooden duck family named after the Coolidge’s (Calvin, Grace, John and Calvin, Jr.), so I’m thinking a metal chicken would be the perfect VP.

  1835. I would love him and squeeze him and name him Clarence M. Foonman. (I’m sure it’s completely apparent, but the “M” stands for Mother****ing.)

  1839. Friedchickavictor DeFowl.
    I giggle thinking of you telling your hubby people think of him when they see, think of or hear about a metal chicken. 😉

  1840. Jenny Lawson. You are freaking awesome. And you are SO lucky that I live as far away as Dallas… because I would totally stalk you. But then again, maybe you’d like that. Especially if I left taxadermied animals on your doorstep. I could put doll heads on them I think… off to plan. Just kidding- don’t be scared. Texas is a big place.

  1841. omgosh i love it.
    hmm what to name what to name…
    Seeing as what its made of… i’ll go with…
    Coca-Doodle-DooWop!

  1842. Initially I debated Cluck Taylor…
    But he is more than just a shoe. Granted, they are the one shoe I will always love, but the fact remains…

    So I’ve decided he’d be Malcolm. Definitely Malcolm, and *not* Bob.
    [If you haven’t seen Mirrormask, just nod in agreement, it’s okay.]

  1843. Yule May….. I’m currently reading The Help ( a little behind schedule ), and I am stuck on that name for some reason.

  1844. Why am I the only one in the world who cannot find a giant metal chicken anywhere?!
    I’m staring deep into this metal chicken’s eyes trying to will him to tell me his name (cause really, a chicken like that has to have one already). Annd it must be.. King Cooockachoo. Yes definately.

  1847. Steven the great. I have never met a Steven I didnt like… and obviouly that metal chicken is GREAT.

  1848. His name is obviously Louis Riel because he is so obviously a French cock (I already have a French cock at home but he gets SO mad when I refer to him that way). BTW the original Louis Riel was a French canadian rebel (and yes I realize that Canadian and rebel would be an oxymoron)

  1849. McQweesy. Bad ass like McQueen, but her voice is a little wheezy. Plus all the grilling going on around would make her a little quesy. She would love Bownita and Edith Ann, too. (one of whom is the holiday armadillo, of course).

  1853. I’d name her Rhianna. It is the black eye. I’d never let a Chris Brown rooster anywhere near her.

  1854. I really don’t know how I can compete with all these other amazing names, and quite honestly I want to steal some of them. But let me throw “Celine Dion” into the mix if it isn’t already. Because I don’t know what Giant Metal Chickens are if not competing divas.

    Celine Dion. She may be smaller than Beyonce. BUT HER HEART WILL GO ON.

  1858. That miniature giant metal chicken is awesome! I would name him George R. Vanderbilt. He would look lovely next to our new (miniature Chiuauha) puppy, whom we have named Jeffrey P. Wintermeier, the third. It’s an honor just to enter a contest of the Bloggess!

  1860. I would name her “Sasha Fierce” as she is clearly Beyonce’s alter-ego. But it’s pronounced Sasha FIERCE! You have to pepper the FIERCE or else Sasha falls over.

    She’d also feel at home here in Atlanta because we’re the home of Coke. It’s like when a computer lives in Silicon Valley, it’s just happier (and happy chickens don’t shoot their owners, they just don’t)!

  1861. Well my first thought was Ronald Reagan, because it seemed fairly appropriate for the chicken son/daughter of Beyonce. But then I thought “Wait! His name is Victor Hugo!” Very appropriate for me, because I get to go see Les Miserables this summer for the first time in like 20 some years AND it would be a fitting tribute to my favorite new (to me) blogger: The Bloggess (and clearly her husband, who may need a tribute or two).

  1863. Since someone already claimed Cock Au Vin, I would have to name him Alice Cooper.

  1865. Elwood. Definitely. Although the kid of the house says “chicken chicken.” Creative one, she is.

  1866. I should have said I cackle (instead of giggle) thinking of you telling your hubby, people think of him…

  1868. Garmagon- he’s the evil perp on “Bones” who put together corpes made of bones he stole and coated with metal. I suspect that this metal chicjken needs to be caged so that he won’t skulk around at night and build othe chickens out of siverwear and tin foil. On the other hand maybe that’s how he was made. Is there an evil mastermind making metal chickens in a shck in the middle of the woods some place Chanting rap songs backwards??

  1872. I was thinking something like “Uncle Olive” but I thought I’d better ask my better half. Here’s the conversation:

    me: What would be a good name for a counter-top sized metal chicken? The 5-foot tall version is named Beyonce.
    him: Jim
    me: why?
    him: sh*t woman. I have no f**cking idea. Just the first thing that came to my mind.

    Since I cannot argue with that logic, I would totally name him Jim. Gentleman Jim.

  1874. First of all, you are awesome.

    Second of all, that metal chicken is awesome. I would totally name him Sir Cluckington because he looks all regal and thangs.

  1876. I wanted to go with the Coke theme…..according to Wikipedia Coke is the solid carbonaceous material derived from destructive distillation of low-ash, low-sulfur bituminous coal. The Chinese first used coke for heating and cooking no later than the ninth century CE.

    In honor of Chinese New Year today, I name him Mandarin.

  1877. It would have to be All-Spice, I’m not sure if that’s because she is the spice girls all wrapped up in one or that’s the best seasoning to put on chicken.

  1878. Cluck Norris! Having issues with my computer, can’t read all the comments, hope this hasn’t been suggested already.

  1880. If I were lucky enough to win a metal chicken with a body made primarily out of a drink that I’m so in love with that I hide the last can from my children so they can’t drink it, I would name her: J’aime DuCoke which sounds a little highfalutin for an American chicken, so I would call her Jamie to reminder her she’s just regular people.

  1881. Razzleberry. Because that’s what popped into my head when I saw him. And my husband would have to like him because they both like raspberries – everybody wins!

  1883. Torchbug. Just yesterday I promised my husband that any new animals in our house would be named Torchbug. (He’s been playing way too much Skyrim)

  1889. Solange…because he would be the less known of the Knowles. Not as tolerable as Beyonce but not as fucked up as their mom.

  1894. I’m gonna have to go with Cooter Cluckington 😉
    B/c he is clearly from the south but refined as well.

  1895. I’d name him Commander Don Quixote.
    We are a military family, and I’m afraid he’d always be looking for his mate because we moveoften, so he deserves a rank of some sort, for that, right?

    If anything else, I’m having a hysterectomy next month, I need gift to celebrate this, don’t I?
    CO Don Quixote would be an awesome gift (:

  1896. As a New Englander exiled in Arizona, people don’t understand our folksy way of not taking “the Lord’s” name in vain (nevermind that I am not a Christian and he is not MY lord). So, rather than having to explain every time I yell, or more commonly grouse, Jeezum Crow, I would be able to just point at my new mini-Beyonce sitting on my shelf. And that would be the end of any argument. Who can beat a rooster called crow?

  1900. You can’t just go around naming stuff. Duh. You have to let stuff tell you what it’s name already is. Mostly. Anyway, this little giant metal rooster is clearly named Tippecanoe, cuz I asked him. Not cuz it’s original or the best name in here or whatever, but cuz it’s his name. I wouldn’t make fun of your name. Well, I might. Is your name Adelaide? That’s pretty funny.

  1902. Someone thinks vampires don’t have blood?! I don’t know what to do with that. How can that POSSIBLY be true??? Considering the only thing they ingest,ever…is BLOOD. sigh

  1906. I’m torn between 2 names.
    Mango – because you can’t have the mango. SNL skit, if you weren’t aware.
    Or Gilda Radner.
    Maybe just Gilda Mango Radner? LOVE IT!

  1907. I feel like this one is a boy, so I would name him Major Cheep. He’s a Major, right? Ferris distracts from his stripes.

  1910. here i sit trying to decide on a name for such a lovely metal chicken.

    shakira.

    because it’s metal hips won’t lie.
    Plus I think it would be funny to dance around to it with that damn zumba song ‘she wolf’. see its funny, bc it’s a chicken…
    and now ill have someone to dance with!

  1911. I toyed briefly with Harlan Sanders but somehow feel that’s an obvious choice. He’s just asking to be christened Wolfgang Cluck.

  1914. What the heck is that thing holding down it’s feet?? Because it is AWESOME.

    I would definitely name the chicken Doc Pemberton, after the inventor of Coke.

  1916. Thats a big booty ho hoochie mama of a chicken that pales to the original beyonce so I’d caller her destiney’s child

  1917. Well. Since she’s obviously one of Beyonce’s backup singers I’ll name her after one of the other members of Destiny’s Child. You know them. Umm, Stacy? Smelly? Shitballs. I can never remember their names.

    Let’s just go with Norm.

  1919. Oh,oh…please,please pick me! He is Captain Cluckamuck. There is a story here. The chicken for the story.

  1921. I’d name her Will. Yes, her. Yes, girl chickens can wear giant combs and fancy colors too. What, is this the 50s still? Women’s lib, y’all.

  1922. If I had that chicken, I would name her “The Duchess Von Cluckenhausen” and put her on my computer desk. And I would definitely have to explain to my Husband that “At least it’s not towels” and then I’d cackle madly, and he’d worry even more.

  1924. Oh and the Mini Beyonce? He would definitely be named Victor. I think you know why. It’s a homage.

  1925. Look at those hips! Obviously, this is Shakira. My husband (who I think might be related to Victor) did not appreciate the Model Magic clay chicken I made him for our 2.5 year wedding anniversary.

    I think he was just upset that it was not made of metal. Or maybe I got the year wrong – aren’t larg-ish foam clay chickens the 2.5 year present?

    Shit, I’m going to have to look this up, aren’t I?

  1926. I can’t read all the comments, I just don’t have the attention span. So I would name her Red Kudzu because she is Beyonce’s baby, obviously.

  1927. I named my mother-in-law’s buffalo skin rug Chesterfield MacArthur. It came to me on the wind. This bird…will take some time to name.

  1933. I would name him(her) Solange.
    That’s Beyonce’s little sister’s name, so it only seems appropriate 😉

  1936. Ha! I have to admit, it never occurred to me that you would use the vampire hunting kit to turn a duck in a adorable little Van Helsing (Van Duckling?) I love it berry berry much. You truly are a genius.

  1938. The Real Thing. Sadly, Ms Thing would have to divide her time amongst her 3 mamas. Because there are 3 of us over here freezing to death in the wilds of North Yorkshire pining for home and crazy chicken people (Texas, Colorado and Georgia respectively.) We couldn’t find anyone who would ship us a giant chicken via APO – so we would be thrilled to look after Ms Thing.

  1940. John Travolta. Because he totally looks like John Travolta, wearing a sweatband, in the so-awful-it’s-awesome Staying Alive. G’wan. Google the picture. You know you want to.

    Definitely John Travolta.

  1941. James Van Der Beak would look GREAT in my kitchen. He is all the right colors and is the decorator’s touch that is totally missing from my home.

  1943. There is only one name for a guy like that, a kick ass kind of cutie – Jujube. I dare people to laugh at him…..

  1944. Pier Francaise …he needs a baret though, and an eifle tower…and an order of coco van .
    (by the way, I am not French, nor have I been to France, or speak it for that matter…in fact, I don’t even eat chicken, but come on…a little baret.) And also, I am a crappy speller…but a fabulous winner of beyonce relatives.

  1945. Atrocius McFowlicus, and he will roar “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED, MOTHER FUCKERS?!”

    Which is good and appropriate, as the missus doesn’t understand why “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHER FUCKER” is funny, and I’m much more certain she’d understand being entertained more readily. And if not? Well, *I* would find that utterly entertaining, and so STILL Atrocius McFowlicus would win.

    Which is the goal, yes?

  1948. His name is shall be ‘Enry ‘Iggins. And I’ll sing to him constantly. But despite animosities, I will always love him.

  1951. To whoever said Madonna, great name, sadly that is already the name of my car so I’m going to have to go with Aeschylus.

  1952. I wish we had awesome markets like that here. Of course I’d be broke and have more crap laying around, but it would be entertaining.

    So I think it’s time to honor Victor. So I christen the rooster Victor Hugo.

  1954. Also, that table full of doll parts reminds of that crazy doll-covered island in that episode of Destination Truth. You know, the really creepy one.

  1955. I think the only possible name for such a fabulous Beyonce knockoff is Britanica, from Gemini’s Twin!

  1956. Too late to be the first to say Blue Ivy…..but it’s still the best name.

    Or Madge. Kind of looks like Madge.

  1957. I think I’d name her Jenny from the Cock….like Jenny from the block…but better…and dirtier.

  1959. I would name my metal chicken Because I Said So. It’s the things say most often anyway, so i could just start pointing to my chicken and save my voice.

  1961. “I’m Rick Perry, B*tches!”

    Yes, I would name him Rick Perry. He’s a Texan, small, cocky and going nowhere… and being on the kitchen counter, convenently close to a butcher’s block.

  1962. Cee-lo Green. Because he looks like the kind of fella who can’t afford a ferrari, but that don’t mean he can’t get you there.

  1967. I have a tin Lizard playing the Blues, similar to your metal Chickens. I can’t figure out how to attach a picture of it… I had to display it at work… it is not allowed on display at home!

  1971. As a follow up to “Eddie”… Who posted much earlier in the day. This is the woman of the house… Aka The Boss.

    No. Just… No.

    Please do not send that very colorful and yet slightly evil looking piece of metal to our house. I’ll beg if I have to. I’ll promise muffins, cupcakes… And I won’t even put arsenic in them like I do to him!

  1972. I shall call him Heinrich von Lichtenstein, because it’s a very awesome, respectable name, and my family refused to allow me to call our new cat Heinrich von Lichtenstein. I think Victor should come live with them and I should come live with you so we can shop for taxidermied and metal fowl and heads on spikes to our hearts content.

    And one of my other cats Winter thinks Ferris Mewler’s paws are totally fantastic. He’s very mentally challenged and has already had way too much catnip this morning.

    Also, what sort of heads mounted on plaques do you have on the wall behind Ferris Mewler and Heinrich von Lichtenstein? Some sort of rodents? Looks like some really wonderful kitchen wall art to me in any case.

  1973. Well I already have a Konway Twitty. Spelled with a “K” not a “C”. He hates being confused with the the other Conway. I also have a rooster named Sue. I would name my new rooster Binky Ray Cyprus.
    I think in the summer I will start my own Kock fighting ring. Who’s with me?!?!?!

  1974. I’m not feeling particularly clever this morning so I discussed this with my husband. He kept suggesting serial killer names. I pointed out that I didn’t get the serial killer vibe from the chicken. To which he explained that is why I would be a victim, because that chicken is obviously plotting something.

    I wanted to go more for an inadequate next to Beyonce theme, but I just couldn’t come up with anything. But then I thought I was being unfair to the chicken. The smaller version is not inadequate at all, just more compact. More like the fun size version of metal chickens. So I would name the chicken Peter Dinklage. Because even though the chicken is smaller in stature he is still fabulous. I want to take Peter Dinklage home.

  1975. His name is Waffles. Fine, maybe I am just really hungry, but that’s what I would name him.

  1977. In our home, we have a tradition of naming everything according to a standard formula. For Beyonce’s sibling/cousin/whatever the heck that is…the answer is obviously Clucky McCluckerson. 🙂

  1978. Jenny Lawson of course. Everyone needs something named after them. She will be my best friend because the real Jenny Lawson (you) live in Texas and I do not.

  1980. Hahahha – welcome back! I love the duck tape story!
    And not sure what I would name the smallish metal chicken, but if the stuffed duck were not Martin Van Buren I would name him Fluffy the Vampire Slayer or Tape. :o)
    Maybe I would call the metal chicken Chicken Shit…but that’s ok, you can give it to someone else, I’m just so tickled that you like both duct tape and Dr. Who!

  1982. I would name it “at least it’s not another purse mother fucker” god I would so love this little guy in my home.

  1983. So…I worry that if you die in a terrible and freakish accident, you’re going to have a lot of orphans. Martin van Buren is just the latest. I hope you have made plans for your menagerie in your will because I don’t know that I’d trust Victor to tend and grow your flock in your absence. Maybe you can start a museum where everything could go and be loved and photographed and shared with your community just as a good back-up precaution?

  1984. I would totally name him “Towels”. My husband (who has read the “and that’s why you should learn to pick your battles” post) and I have recently split up and gotten back together. We seriously NEED a mini-Beyonce in our house to remind us on a daily basis that we need to pick our battles, and this one would be oh, so perfect!

  1985. Well since he is a much smaller version of Beyonce and all wives should dominate their husbands, I would have to call him Jay-Z. That way he would feel right at home if he ever got to see Beyonce.

  1988. I’d call the little guy Adward. Like someone trying to say Edward with a tony accent only they screwed it up.

  1991. Please name the mini-Beyonce “Mildred”, after Mildred, the daughter of King Merewald of Magonset who was kick-ass, a saint, and a vampire. Though she would never had said ass. At least I don’t think she ever SAID ass. But she KICK ass. After she died, her body was placed in her very own magic church. But there was a problem — men kept falling down on the job. In fact, one day a Bell-Ringer fell asleep when it was time to ring a bell. So St. Mildred woke up from the dead and hit on the Bell Ringer on ear, saying “This is the oratory, not the dormitory!” (Source: http://www.earlybritishkingdoms.com/adversaries/bios/mildred.html ). So . Mildred is a vampire, because she comes back from the dead, and because she can’t be a zombie because she does not like brains. At least as for as I know. Only she is the kind of vampire that that drinks blood. Instead she is the kind of vampire that wakes up from the dead now and then and kicks ass and whips men into shape. Like you and Beyonce the metal chicken. Not that y’all wake from the dead. But ya’ll do whip men into shape and kick-ass –just as you and Beyonce are in charge of Victor, St. Mildred the Vampire is in charge of Humberdinck, the Bell Ringer. (OK, I named the Bell-Ringer Humperdinck in my little deranged mind. That part’s not in the historical record.)

    And anyway, the little metal chicken looks like a Mildred. Only not a girl names Mildred. A boy named Mildred.

    Or you can name the chicken after Humberdinck the Bell-Ringer. Really, it is your choice.

  1992. He looks like Alex Trebek to me. And then every night when my husband makes me turn off reruns of Toddlers and Tiaras and SVU to watch stupid dumb Jeopardy I can bring out the chicken and make him read all of the questions out loud until my husband retreats into his office where he belongs. And then bad tv will REIGN SUPREME!

  1994. oh Lordy….a) Martin van Buren is the cutest vampire slayer EVER and Buffy bows at his awesomeness and b) a teeny weeny metal chicken would totally make my busted arm feel better and c)I think the reason the baby head monger was no where to be found was because he was impregnating his cousin and/or guzzling moonshine in them der hills and d) ok that’s not fair – might not be his cousin and e) I would name my chicken That Other Destiny’s Child Chick

  1995. Earl J. Pickens, at your service ma’am. (I’m saying that in the voice of Mr. Drucker, or whoever that sketchy fellow was on Green Acres).

  1999. I love your vignette with the vampire hunting Duckling!! I read your original Beyonce story to the hubs and he thought I was nuts – I was laughing so hard I could not speak and tears were streaming down my face. Now I always say, “Knock, knock Mother Fucker” to him! As for the smallish metal chicken – her name would be Matilda. Sounds like a sturdy immigrant women with sensible shoes…..

  2000. I would name him Sir Walter Rooley. (bc he obviously ROOLS!)
    p.s. what are those things hanging on the wall behind Sir Walter and Ferris Mewler??

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading