UPDATED X 2: Lost in translation

in Random Crap

Victor: What are you doing?

me:  Making stuff for my store.  It helps me break my writer’s block.

Victor:  Who’s gonna buy a mug that says “I love to go down”?  Are you making mugs for hookers again?

me:  What?  I don’t have a mug that says that.

Victor:  Uh, yeah, you do.  It’s right there.

me:  That’s a guy on a slide.  It means “I love slides.”  Because I do.  Because they’re whimsical.  The fuck, Victor?  Not everything is about sex.

Victor:  That’s not a slide.  It’s an escalator.  That’s the universal sign for going down.

me:  Really?  I thought it was the universal sign for loving slides.

Victor:  Why would there be a universal sign for loving slides?

me:  WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE?  SLIDES ARE AWESOME.

Victor:  You just made a mug proclaiming the whimsical joy of oral.

me:  FINE.  I’ll add “I LOVE SLIDES” on the back.

Victor:  Awesome.  Then people will think you’re a good-time girl who likes to do it in the park.

me:  This is all going on the blog.

And just like that, my writer’s block was gone.

Which I think proves that I was right all along.

*************

Speaking of writing, I’ve been working on a special thank you gift to everyone here who has been here to encourage me while I struggled through years of writing and rewriting my book and I finally have something.  If you’d like to skip this small token of my affection you can go watch this video of a hedgehog taking a bath.

Still there?  Awesome.  Because everyone who preorders (or has already preordered) my book before March 16th gets a free, limited-edition, Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate for your book.  Personally signed by me.   (One per person.  Offer only valid for US {non-PO Box} addresses right now, but they’re working on that.  I’ll keep you posted.)

This is the bookplate:

By the way, This is my digital signature and it's much prettier than my real signature, so feel free to print this out and tape it to your book if you live in Canada or prefer something immediate and legible.

You have to fill out a tiny form here to get the bookplate mailed to you, and if forms make you nauseous you can just come to my book tour and get me to sign a copy there.  I have no idea where I’ll be touring.  Possibly just at my house.  Or at your house now that I have your address.

Please have nachos ready.

Want to pre-order? Click on Hamlet Von Schnitzel for links.

PS.  A huge special thanks to Penguin for printing and mailing out all of these because I’d have a nervous breakdown if I had to do this myself.  Seriously, we owe them all a margarita.  And some of those nachos probably.

Already pre-ordered?  Awesome.  Then click here to fill out the form to get your free, signed bookplate.

PPS.  Thank you.  I mean it completely when I tell you that I could not have finished this book without you, and I can’t even believe that it’s going to be out month after next.  Freaking out a little.  And by “a little” I mean “shitloads.”

PPPS.  (I just wrote “Shitloads” and auto-correct was all “Oh, you mean, “shiploads“.  We’ll change that for you.”  Auto-correct, you know nothing of my work.)

UPDATED:  Holy shit, you guys.  My book is currently # 2 on Amazon’s humor list and #2 on Barnes and Nobles hot & trending list.  I said on twitter that if it hit #1 I’d post a picture of me either naked or with twine and it doesn’t look like we’ll hit it, but I’m sending you something almost as good.  Ferris Mewler.  Nude.  WITH TWINE.

What's so hard about this, Nathan Fillion? Even my cat can make this shit look good.

Seriously.  THANK YOU.  I am furiously happy and I owe it all to you.  And to Ferris Mewler who isn’t so uptight about twine.  Nathan Fillion could take a lesson.

UPDATED AGAIN:  So, we somehow made it to #1, you guys.  I plan on blaming you when Tina Fey comes after me with a cleaver for taking her spot for an hour.  But true to my word, here’s a picture of me naked.  Does it count as naked if I wear a hat?  And a friend?  I say yes.

Me, technically naked.

561 thoughts on “UPDATED X 2: Lost in translation”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This just means I’ll have to get my fiance to pre-order the book for me since I’m a poor Canadian!

  3. There’s nothing wrong with a coffee mug proclaiming that you enjoy oral sex. There’s worse things. Like admitting you like “The Office”, “The Big Bang Theory”, or “Two and a Half Men”.

  4. I think the only way Victor can make this up to you is to demonstrate his skills …on the slide. Maybe that’ll take his mind off his problem with double innuendos. ’cause clearly, he’s got a problem. 😉

  5. I thought the international sign for oral loving was pushing the down button on an elevator. I swear to God. And Steven Tyler.

  8. Sorry, Jenny…. I’m with Victor on that one. All I saw was the picture on my Browser’s twitter sidebar notification… and before I’d even read the post I was hooting and hollering for my husband to come see your new Blow Job mug!!!

  12. Can hardly wait to get my copy – which I pre-ordered ages ago, thankyouverymuch. Also, I promise a ‘shipload’ of nachos if you do a book signing in San Francisco. You could even stay with me…I have a lovely bathroom.

  13. I’m gonna have to side with Victor on that one. I saw the image before I started reading the text and my immediate thought was “haha, what a cute dirty joke mug.”

    Also, when I saw the title of the post, I thought you meant Powerpoint slides. I’m glad you really meant sliding boards, that’s much more fun. But don’t do it on slides in the park, you’ll end up on a naughty people list for the rest of your life.

  14. i first read kira’s comment as “made from hookers” and am not sure which way makes me want to nuy a mug more…

  15. For the record, we *all* would have known that meant “I love slides”.

    Not really. But I didn’t want to admit that Victor was right.

    C-

    PS – Thanks for continuing to put a bit of fun into an otherwise sucky period in my life right now.

  17. I will send you pictures of my printed off copy tapped to my copy of your book.

    Since you know. CANADA SUCKS and you’re boycotting it. Apparently.

    And I already made the nachos. Damn.

    On the upside…Guess who doesn’t have to share her nachos anymore?! NOM NOM NOM.

  19. Also, you have the “city” field twice, so I assumed the second one was supposed to be for state, and filled it out accordingly.

    (FIXED! Thanks. ~ Jenny)

  20. Looks like loving safe exits from turbulent plane rides if you ask me.

    But then that probably leads Victor to thinking about the Mile High Club, which just makes me think of the filthiness of bathrooms.

    I am a fastidious prude with a a fear of flying and love of coffee. I need this mug.

  23. No fair! What about those of us pre-ordering on Nook or Kindle? What do we do? Stick that autographed Hamlet von Schnitzel on our foreheads?

    (Stick in on the back. Although foreheads are nice as well. ~ Jenny)

  24. In the last two reads I have cry-laughed for obvious reasons and no reason at all. And there is (arguably) nothing wrong with me (right now). One of those times I sort of choked a little, which was embarrassing because I was at work. Anyway, as someone whose anxiety has never gotten nearly as bad as yours and only made me sit in my car and cry without really understanding why on a fairly regular basis a couple years ago, and as someone who was once suicidal (way, way before the anxiety attacks, as a teenager), and as somebody whose family has an almost undocumented but I mean come on totally obvious history of depression… I thank you for shouting your insanity all over the internet. You are a red dress.

    In a non-creepy way. I don’t want to wear you or anything.

    Thank you for showing your battle scars with grace.

  26. WAIT. So I ordered your book to have it delivered here. (In the aformentioned sucky Canada) But could I have a super kickass awesome bookplate mailed to my cousin in the US to smuggle over the border for me?

    She owes me one…and smuggling something across the border would be about enough to make it even.

    And THEN I could rub my bookplate in other Canadians faces and they’d be all…what the hell is wrong with you?

    You know. More than normal.

  29. Please tell me you really have “Fuck” and “Jesus” not only in the same sentence, on your promotional materials. Is this really true?

    Also I think it is the universal sign for ” I <3 non-gender specific human-like figure midway between a slide with a down arrow" DUH VICTOR

    (It’s really true. Those are my promo stickers. ~ Jenny)

  30. Thank God I have friends in the US who will mail me the book plate if I send it to them. Always a way to work the system.

    I plan on putting the nameplate on the BACK of my Kindle so as not to fuck up the ability to ready your book.

    So excited!

  32. Jenny,
    Do not read this. It will likely freak you out.

    Hi all,
    Another writer of books here. If you want to help Jenny, pre-order the book. Pre-orders will all be counted as a sale on the first day the book is released, which will give her a ton of sales that first day. (And get you the book ASAP, especially if you have a Kindle or Nook.)

    Having a ton of sales that first day will help her make short-term bestseller lists, like the one Amazon has, updated basically every second, it seems. Getting on the short-term bestseller lists will help her sell more books, because people browse the list and buy from there.

    Selling lots of books that first week will help Jenny make the printed or longer-term lists, like the Publishers Weekly, USA Today and still the biggie, the New York Times list.

    Sell lots of books, make the lists, sell even more books. It’s a great cycle to be in.

    Also, Amazon and B&N have a great thing now called the gift book. You can send anyone whose e-mail address you have a gift copy of a book. (Slight catch, if the book costs $10, you send them a $10 credit, and they can buy Jenny’s book or anyone else’s they want. But if your friends are nice, surely they’ll use the money to buy the book you wanted to send them, right?) So if you like, you can gift Jenny’s book to some friends.

    (Jenny did not tell me to say this, didn’t know I was saying this. I just wanted to. Joined her as an advertiser recently, after hearing about her confession brutally honest post about depression on Twitter — been there, done that one myself — the depression and confession part. Then I saw that she was wickedly funny and lucked into an ad slot here. Then saw that she has a first book coming out. It’s a crazy time, I know, and she’s already a little bit nuts. Let’s try to help her do well with this, okay? Pre-order the book.)

  34. What’s a book plate? And why does a book need one?

    Seriously, I need to know if I have to make your book dinner. That’s going to take months of planning. Also, I will expect it to put out afterwards. Wow, your blog really is just about sex.

  35. I make the best nachos ever, just putting that out there. But you’d have to come to Newfoundland, Canada for them.

  37. I’m guessing it’s going to be a book tour of famous bookstore restrooms. There’s always such a horrible line for the ladies room, at least this way we’ll get nachos and margaritas and our books signed.

  38. I love that my iPhone has learned not to auto-correct Fuck and Shit for me. It’s so smart sometimes. Off to pre-order.

  39. The only thing I love more than hedgehogs is the thought of you doing a book tour. I’ll make nachos. We can hide in the bathroom and eat them.

  40. Another Kindle pre-order here. Maybe I should get a book plate anyway and stick it to the kindle case. It could be a new trend. Like the old suitcases with the travel stickers all over them. That just might make me furiously happy.

    (Honestly? Me too. ~ Jenny)

  41. PS- Always nachos available at my house. Also, just about any other food teenage boys like (which is everything). Would totally put you up during your tour. And now I sound like a stalker. So sorry.

  43. Okay I just pre-ordered a book for the first time in my life. Now how will I wait the next 6 weeks?

  45. You can totally do a book signing at my house in Minneapolis. It’s a big house on a lake and everything. Seriously. I will even clean the litter boxes before people come over; that’s how much I love you.

  46. I love slides, too.

    Except for Metal slides. They give you ass burn, which, I’m pretty sure is like grade-school practice for herpes. All the slutty girls loved the metal slides, and then, later, they got herpes. True story.

  47. I love slides?

    I’m embarrassed now. I swear when I glanced at it, it kinda looked like a broke….well, thing.

    I can’t even bring myself to say it.

    Slide is much, much better though. Much.

  49. WHEEEEEEEEEEE! I’m going to paste it on the cover of my Kindle. And if you come to my city on your tour, then I’ll just move it so you can sign the cover itself. I can’t wait!!!!!

  51. I pre-ordered today, but through my local, independently-owned bookstore, who can’t actually pre-order more than 10 days before the sell date. Am I SOL? (I totally understand if I am, but I’d love a bookplate if I can have one).

    (I’m sure that’s fine. Just write down the name and details on the form. ~ Jenny)

  53. I can’t wait to get my bookplate! What an awesome gift. I pre-ordered my book while you were in Hawaii. You must tour Austin with your book. And go on the Ellen Degeneres show.

  54. I love this mug because I love slides and going down*

    And I have a year supply of nachos standing by.

    *By going down I mean going down.

  55. Why do you hate Canada? I pre-ordered my book ages ago and it will be plateless. I may have to move to Texas but I hate Texas. No I don’t really…I went to Dallas once and it was nice but very hot and there were signs on the restaurants that said “no concealed weapons allowed” which is pretty scary for a Canadian to read before going into TGIFridays for a hamburger.I mean I started imagining that everyone who wasn’t in the restaurant had a concealed weapon which made me have an anxiety attack. Anyway…if you change your mind about Canada and can send me a book plate I will be furiously happy.

  56. Nachos are in the making! Also, you’ve now made my day more than once. I’m super excited about this special offer bookplate AND you dm’d me on twitter. This may have been the best day of my life. Thank you for being awesome.

  57. oh Jenny…if you came to Ottawa I would quit my job just to wait in line to see you and then I would scream my online name at
    you and ravage you with a hug

  58. Might you consider coming to Bastrop to sign my book? It’s not very far, I won’t say something creepy like ‘you can stay at my house’, but I make some mean nachos, I could show you around my neighborhood, (which entirely burned up in the fire last September), and there’s a yard in town with a couple giant metal chickens in it! I think it would be a fulfilling day for everyone involved!

  59. I pre-ordered it for my Nook, so I guess I’ll start waxing the perfect spot on my forehead. It will give me time to get it centered. Thank you, Jenny!

  60. Husbands make for the best blog material. When I’ve got writers Block, I talk to my kids or my husband. Really sucks my husband is grossly inappropriate and my mother reads my blog so I can’t post half the shit he says. I’m 27, almost. Maybe someday I’ll get over the fear of getting lectured by my mother.

  61. I had no idea that a picture of a slide was a euphemism for oral sex. I’m going to look at slides in a whole new way now.

    I’m off to pre-order your book. The text on the back is hilarious!

  63. How can you stand the excitement! I can hardly stand it. To see your work out there. On Amazon. In stores. So so so exciting!

  64. It doesn’t happen very often, (if at all) but right now I kinda don’t love that I live in the greatest place on earth, Australia.
    I want a book plate. …even though I’m really sure what they exactly are…
    I even pre ordered like 2 whole weeks ago.
    🙁

    (There might be a chance of book plates being available everywhere in the future. The publishers in different areas are working on things I think. ~ Jenny)

  65. Oh My God – Not only do I love that mug and think it would be awesome in my office, next to my paper dolls of you and the gang, but I also really really need you to come here on your book tour. I will begin today with the non-stop emails to the bookstore that I love in nearby Milwaukee, WI to have them host you in your book tour. And you can stay at my house, or my friend’s house. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it and she has a cellar full of cherry wine from Door County, which is here in Wisconsin and I’m sure you don’t know that but, trust me, it’s awesome. AND I can make nachos and really delicious cupcakes that will go well with the wine. So, it’s settled. I can’t wait till you get here.
    Also, finally got paid so I am pre-ordering your book right now. I expect my book plate soon and I will keep the nachos warm. Actually, I’m gonna get one of those awesome nacho cheese dispensers like they have in restaurants that keeps nacho cheese warm ALL THE TIME! I need one of those! So, shit ton of wine, check. Nacho cheese dispenser, check. Book plate, check.

  66. well, surely, if I had someone like victor writing all my material I would be just as popular. BTW, that IS the international sign for going down in the parK

  67. Shiploads.. Yeah when I type it, I get the opposite. I think autocorrect is just screwing with us.

    And don’t be from the south, I can’t drop a freaking ‘y’ from a word to save my life!

    WG

  68. So… next paychexk, I’m pre-ordering. And you will thus be a part of my monthly book budget. This is a good thing.

    Also, I have these thoughts from time to time, but I haven’t taken the time to actually say it, and it is something that needs to be said. You are an amazing, awesome, beautiful, inspiring and side-achingly-hilarious person. Thank you for sharing yourself, and for doing it so openly.

  70. FYI I make the best nachos! Funny huh? You can confirm this true fact w/my children…I make nacho’s every year for Christmas. Fuck your fancy roasts and fluffy what not…give me my fucking nachos while we celebrate the birth of our Savior/king what ever if your into that stuff. So feel free to come on over…

  71. I just preordered. And sent you my address for the bookplate. If you come to my humble apartment in Columbus, Ohio (uh … don’t know why you would, especially since I’m sounding so creepy), I would ABSOLUTELY make you nachos.

    I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading this blog, but from day one it has brought me so much delight. I can’t wait to read this book.

  72. Hmm…was going to wait until I had my new house to preorder, but since that would be past the deadline I stopped procrastinating. Now back to procrastinating.

    And I would buy that mug if your calendar wasn’t already hanging up in my cube waiting to get me in trouble. Something about ‘promoting’ strangling at a Police Department is bound to get my fired.

    -Renee

  73. See, I saw that in your shop earlier, and I totally thought it was saying “I love to go up the down escalator.” But I was probably the only one.

  74. Sweet! I pre-ordered and I live in Austin so I’m assuming that you can real sign your computer signed book plate. Probably. Maybe. Whatever I’ll be there no matter what!

  75. 1.Can I preorder it from any bookstore?

    2.I really hope your book tour includes Montreal. I would design you something very whimsical (Like, I don’t know, silkprinted interpretations of Beyoncé?) You bought so much into my life, I wish I could thank you in person.

  76. I am so incredibly excited about this. And not just because I now have a fall-back career of stealing your identity. (All that takes is a signature, right?) (‘Cause if not, I’m probably too lazy to become a criminal.)

  77. I was greedy enough to enjoy the thank-you AND the hedgehog video. It’s just the kind of person I am.

  78. ok, so you absolutely have to come to our little town of Castleton-on-Hudson NY, cause having a long name makes up for the fact that we have 12 people, all related to each other. Kidding, we actually have 12,000 but they are (seriously) all related to each other.

    Found your blog the other day by accident and am now a total addict, thank you, thank you, thank you for making me feel slightly less abnormal and actually like laughing upon occasion!

  79. I was waffling on pre-ordering the book. Not because I don’t want it, but because I have a monthly ‘fun’ budget and I wasn’t sure if I needed this or to save up for a laptop so I could actually write without my 1 year old crawling around my feet and turning off my computer because the on button is lit up so pretty-like.

    But now that I see we get a Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate I think I almost have to buy it now.

    I’m going to call this book ‘groceries.’

  80. Are you actually selling that mug? Cause I will totally buy that shit and then bring it into my very serious and staid place of work (I’m an accountant..ick) and totally scandalize the whole office.

    Even more than the one time I accidentally sent an email containing only the word “poop” to basically everyone I work with. On my birthday.

  81. You can sign books at my house, I have lots of closets and cozy bathrooms in which to hide. (I also have Xanax and a Snoopy Snocone maker for wine slushies)!

  82. i think i’m in love with victor. he says all the things my husband would say…if he (my husband) were alive. Reading you ripostes just cracks me up. of course, steve (the late husband) would asked if we (you and i) had been separated at birth.

    in truth, victor does make me miss my husband’s sharp retorts all the more. so please thank him, and give him a hug for me.

  83. I totally thought that was an I love escalators mug. Because, duh! Escalators are awesome. I would have never even guessed there was a universal sign for going down. If I were going to advertise that I loved going down I would want a better sign.

    Just sayin.

  85. Please please come to Canada on your book tour! I’ve preordered the Kobo version of your book already, but I promise to buy an actual copy if you come here…in *hardcover* even!! One little stop in Toronto won’t hurt right?

  86. Can’t wait for your book! I love the comments from the guys who read your blog, some of them make me laugh almost as much as your stories.
    And I totally saw that mug how Victor did 🙂

  87. I read that mug as “I love going up down escalators”… But I like Victor’s version too. And yours. So many meanings, packed into one little mug.

    If you come to Kingston (or even Ottawa) For a boom signing, I’m totally there.

  88. That would be the PERFECT gift for the uptight person in your office who is offended by everything. You give it to them and if they act all horrified you can act offended that THEY thought it was about oral sex. It’s quite brilliant and I’m sure you planned it that way.

    I pre-ordered the book seconds after I read that I COULD pre-order the book. If you do happen to tour, what’s your policy on signing body parts? Ummm, cuz…. a friend wants to know….

  89. I love slides! And going down! Escalators. And slides.

    Awesome mug. Awesome bookplate. Not awesome us Great White Northerners cannot receive one via mail. Seriously, it’s like you Americans don’t get how carrier pigeon works!

  91. Ohhhhhhhhhh…. I was SURE that was a picture of someone going up a down escalator, and that the little arrow was to make it clear he wasn’t going up an UP escalator. Then I had a hard time explaining why I started by assuming he was going up.

  92. When you come to my house for the book tour, is it o.k. if it takes place on the couch? Although we did get a new dining room table, so we can be fancy and sit there. I’ll put out linen napkins and crystal stemware. And a coaster. Because the table is wood, and I already have enough shitty furniture.

    Maybe we’ll stick to the couch.

  93. So, I pre-ordered the Kindle version but I still totally signed up for the book plate because it is Awesome and Wondrous. I’ll tuck the book plate into my Kindle case while I read the book. And I will love it and pat it and call it George. Or Hamlet Von Schnitzel Jr.

    Also, I need to add hard copies to my list of Things to Get Friends & Family for Birthdays & Christmas.

  94. That’s it, between your promo stickers (which made me laugh so hard I scared the bejeezus out of both my sleeping cats) and the bookplate (which I’ve recently developed an affinity for collecting), I’m sold. You’re officially part of my monthly book allowance. Preorder activated!

  95. It occurs to me that I should have directed my invitation to do a book signing in Minneapolis at my house to Hamlet Von Schnitzel since he’s taking care of publicity. You could come too, as part of his entourage. I hope this faux pas won’t get me blacklisted.

    PS. I will still clean the litter boxes first. That’s how much I love Hamlet Von Schnitzel. And you.

  96. You totally just made my night. I was all “I have to have a signed copy of your book” and you were all “I’ll come to your house and sign it myself” and I was all “Really?” and you were all “No, not really” and I was all “shit” and you were all “but I’ll send you a signed bookplate and all you have to do is order a book” and I was all “I already ordered your book” and you were all “thank you.”

    And even though that conversation took place (almost) entirely inside my head, it still made me very happy, because a very important person once told Harry Potter that just because it happens inside your head doesn’t mean it’s not real.

  97. Thank you Jenny!!! I laugh until I cry at your conversations with Victor posts. Damn. I needed a laugh like that today. My four going on fifteen year old daughter and I butted heads all morning. I came thisclose to making a wine slushy, but I’m not quite sure how to make wine slushies. That kinda put a damper on things, but this post is completely awesome!

    For the record, I thought the mug said that you love escalators. I love escalators now that I’m old enough that they don’t scare me anymore. Maybe someone who is scared of them can carry the mug around and convinced themselves that they love escalators and give one a try sometimes. I’m still sleep deprived. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. 😀

  100. I thought you were talking about slides like the photo slides they had in the 70s and I thought omg Jenny found some slides at one of those stores or auctions she goes to involving people and the taxidermic animals they love or suspect zombies or creepy dolls or something equally appropriate.

  101. Team Victor. That coffee mug screams “I love oral” to everyone in your office, and thus is amazing. So while he’s right – it is Pro Oral – who the hell ISN’T Pro Oral?

    If you say Victor isn’t, I will point and call you a damn liar. EVERY man is Pro Oral. And most women, too. They just haven’t had it that good yet.

    ( Also, bookplates are sweet! You are wonderful. )

  103. An autograph for a book! I love that. I have a little collection. It’s among the most socially acceptable of my little collections.

  104. Jenny, I’m sad that I have to wait for April to get my book. It’s like we’re RELATED. If you travel to Northern California to do signings – contact me. I’ll totally buy you a coffee. I got exiled for marrying a Northerner…

  105. I would happily host you here in Seattle. You could have a whole floor of the house to yourself, with your own bedroom (queen sized bed), tv room, bathroom, kitchen, and library. As a bonus, the library has a day bed w/ a trundle if you want to bring Hailey. We can create some kind of pulley system where we send books down to you, you sign them, then send them back up.

    Sound good?

  106. Boo… U.S addresses only. I’m in Canada so I don’t get one.

    What the fuck good is socialized medicine if I can’t get an autographed Bloggess bookplate?

  107. Damn. I’m in Canada. But I will totally track you down if you go to Seattle on account of we’re Penguin Sisters (I’m pubbed by them too).

  109. Soo… Don’t think I don’t love you because I cant pre-order, I totally can’t wait for this book.

    Also my hubbs was looking over my shoulder and said “Dude! We need a mug proclaiming our love of escalators!”

    So… Win win for figuring out how to satisfy the slide AND escalator lovers!

  110. What kind of nachos? Because if you don’t specify then when I go to the store I’ll stress and buy too many and then we’ll be eating nachos all night which isn’t really bad, except then we’ll get thirsty. So I better get beer too. God! I have to shop!

    (Sharp cheddar cheese melted over Doritos. With jalepenos. And ranch. Fuck. Now I’m hungry. ~ Jenny)

  111. “You just made a mug proclaiming the whimsical joy of oral.”

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Or the love of slides, which is also completely awesome. See, you’re both right!

  112. You can tell Victor that he is wrong:

    Me: I am going to get you this mug for Valentine’s Day. (show him the mug)
    Bryan (my husband): Why, because I love riding escalators?

    Seriously?

  113. I have to go on record as saying that that hedgehog did NOT look like he was having a pleasant relaxing bath. Looked more like he was frantically trying to keep from drowning. You could almost see him saying “Goddamnit I’m not an otter you idiots!”

  114. And why doesn’t your publisher love Canadians. Are they still bitter about the little war of 1812. Man get over it dude!

  117. I so needed to laugh tonight Thank you!!! I just have a question; what the fuck is a book plate? Is it like a bookmark? Even though I don’t know what it is, I want one anyway. Pre-ordering tomorrow!

  119. Why do you have to make this so difficult for me???!!! I was going to wait until it was actually released so I could buy it from our locally-ish owned and operated bookstore and therefore support bookstores staying open. I don’t suppose this deal would also apply if I pre-ordered at Joseph-Beth Booksellers, would it?

    (It would totally apply. Or pre-order from Indie-books. ~ Jenny)

  120. Woohoo! Preordered just now. I think my daughter’s getting me a copy for my birthday, too, but that’s okay! (I’m talking about the book, btw– I don’t really like slides that much, ha ha ha).

  121. The mug is awesome. I don’t drink coffee but do love hot chocolate as long as there is alcohol involved, especially french vanilla kahlua. During Christmas I even found french vanilla marshmallows shaped like snowmen. They go well with the kahlua laced (ok drenched) hot chocolate. And now that I’m completely off target I must also say that I am eagerly anticipating the arrival of both my book and now my fabulous bookplate. Yay me for preordering in Nov. If my kid wasn’t in the other room puking I might be furiously happy -guess I’ll save that for later, probably while drinking kahlua, err Hot Chocolate.

  122. Pre-ordered the book, signed up for the bookplate, still working on convincing my husband that we really really really need the life-size cardboard TARDIS. Not sure why he doesn’t understand this. It’s possible he’s worried the dog will pee on it. My dog has more sense than that. You don’t pee on the TARDIS.

    Also, I thought it was “I love going up the down escalator”, too. It’s like an inkblot – your take on it says SO much about you. And now we know where Victor’s mind lives.

  123. I frequently have conversations like that with autocorrect. I also discovered that every time I type “Mother”, it thinks I want “Motherfucker”. You win some, you lose some.

  124. I love that mug…saw it at work and it made me laugh like a crazy chick in my cubical!

    I was so excited when I was reading this… I pre-ordered your book 3 weeks ago!… But then my joy immediately turned to sadness…all because your bookplate isn’t available in Canada…What do you have against us Canucks?

    Heck I live in the Arctic… just south of the Arctic Circle in a small-remote-fly-in community of 1400 people…can’t you hook up one of your most NORTHERN FANS?!

    Congrats again on the book… I totally wish you the best!! 🙂 Sarah

  125. I want to preorder but I don’t have a bank account. Or money. But I do have a birthday coming up so my birthday present to myself is going to be your book. Or a trip to your house. We’ll see how it goes.

  126. I will pre-order the book because I enjoy the hell out of you, but also because you got me into Doctor Who (2005). THANK YOU.

  128. Here’s how excited I am about your book: When I read that you were giving away the bookplate, I got so geeked up over it that I signed up for it and then remembered after I’d submitted my form that I pre-ordered the Nook version of your book. I guess I will be glueing the bookplate to my iPad and you can just sign the screen when I come see you on your book tour! Yay for you – so proud of your achievements, Jenny!

  129. I had no idea there was a sign for “going down.”. But my husband glanced over my shoulder as I was reading and immediately asked, “What is The Bloggess saying about going down.”

  130. I totally want this mug. My kids came to see what the hell I was laughing so hard at! And I pre-ordered in November, so I am totally digging this!

    Auto-correct no longer tries to correct my swearing. It can be taught. Although the other day, it tried to correct Thanks, which I typed as Hanks, to Ganga. WTF autocorrect.

  131. I will be VERY happy to host a book signing if you head to my neck of the woods. I can promise a large serving of AWESOME nachos and a great beer to go along with it (plus lots of Beyonce lovers and readers!). I can also almost promise that I can get our local bookstore to host and promote this little party!!!! Head to CT and give me a call!

  132. OMG I’M SO EXCITED THAT I CAN’T TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK!! Thanks so much, Jenny and Penguin! ! 🙂

  133. If you come to Australia I promise you nacho’s. Any chance of your book making it out here? Amazon doesn’t let us buy digi items that aren’t released here.

  134. I am making my fiance preorder my book as my valentines day gift! As soon as the deed is done I will come order my plate.

    Oh and when do we get info on the book tour (or did i miss it) cuz i just gotta come meet you!

  135. OMG….I will make you all kinds of kick ass nachos if you do a book signing at my house. I live in a quiet neighborhood with a firestation at the end of the street. It’s always helped out for my many medical emergencies and crises. Plus, platoon 3 is smokin’ hot, no pun intended. I am pre-ordering now. I had to wait for a good payday. Technically, I’ll be pre-ordering after midnight. That’s when I let it all hang out, too.

  136. Why do those of us with PO Boxes always get shafted? It’s not our fault the US Postal Service won’t deliver to our house! So unless you get that sorted out, I’ll have to count on you doing a book tour in Hawaii. I’ll be sure to have some Kalua Pork Nachos for you… They’re honestly the best kind I’ve ever had!

  137. Yeah….that’s ‘I love going down.’ Sorry. But it’ll probably be your best-seller!

    And if your book tour takes you to L.A., we have a guest room! And very good babysitters en suite. 🙂

  138. I don’t suppose the bookplate offer extends to those of us who have pre-ordered the Kindle version–and I could scarcely complain about that–but I figured I’d ask, just in case. I pre-ordered a while ago, and would dearly love to have a signed bookplate from you, but as I said, I know I don’t really have a legitimate claim on one.

  139. I worked it out, Honey I just need a US itunes gift card…and an ipad to read this book on that I really want 😀

  140. But I heart escalators! Slides are cool too, unless they’re metal and you are wearing short shorts on a really hot summer day… then they’re murder.

    I cannot WAIT to read your book! That is the most awesome bookplate EVER. Thank you for being you and for sharing your crazy with the world.

    *hugs & kittens*

  141. Going to preorder the book now. The book tour has to have a stop in sin city right? I think it’s the greatest excuse to come have fun in Vegas. Also getting the mug…cuz i totally love going down….slides AND poles.

    ps. that one comment about you are a red dress, but not in a creepy way, like they wanted to wear you totally had me saying “put the fuckin lotion in the basket” out loud..but not in a creepy way.

  145. Oh dear god, please tell me that is the legitimate poster for this book. Please let it be true.

  146. What an incentive to pre-order the book! I even went ahead and splurged on a REAL book 🙂 My kindle will just have to be jealous of the awesomeness of pages and book plates. Thanks for making my night perk up just a bit!

  147. I’m with Victor on this one. The hookers in my hood are always toting a coffee on their strolls. Might be good for business. Can you overlook my Canadianism (sounds like v.d.) if I just offered to help a friend in P.A. bury a body? (Hypothetically.)

  148. Personally, I TOTALLY would buy a coffee mug that said I love going down. If not for me, definitely, for my boss, so that everyone snickers when he uses it.

  149. Screw the nameplate! I’m driving down to Houston to stalk you out for myself. For a signature, I mean. Or you can let me know when you’re in Dallas, whichever happens first. 😉

  150. Time to pre-order.

    Also, what I think you’re doing is giving every couple who gets one of these cups something to argue, and then get a puppy about. Good work, madam! The AKC thanks you for your tireless efforts!

  151. I totally thought that mug was proclaiming your love for going up the down escalator. Kind of like going against the grain and all.

    Apparently, I don’t think like Victor or you for that matter. I must be going against the grain. I need that mug, but I need it to look more like the person is facing the up direction. I don’t want to be mistaken for someone who likes sex acts in the park.

  152. I haven’t pre-ordered the book, but I definitely will. I need to get the bookplate and have a little piece of you.
    I really want to make you nachos so I hope your book tour brings you close to me. If it does, I’ll personally deliver them under the table to the book store.

    -C

  153. I gotta take Victor’s side on this one. That’s totally “I love going down.”

    And while idly scrolling through the comments, I saw your nachos recipe. I am clearly not very adventurous, as it never occurred to me to use Doritos in nachos. Maybe you should come to my house. I have a lovely bathroom that’s good for hiding.

  154. I filled out my questionnaire because I pre-ordered the book the second you posted it was coming out in April, so if I got the date wrong, that’s the reason.

    I have a kindle, but this one I have to have in hard cover. Some books are just too good for the e-readers! It will be you and my Stephen King books. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but you can consider it one.

    So happy to be getting my very own book with my very own bookplate. How on earth will I survive until April?????

  155. Okay, you persuaded me to stop what I was doing (putting my daughter to bed) and order your book immediately. Which I just did. I can’t WAIT to read it.

    I may have to reach out to a few of the local bookstores to make sure they get you to visit while on your book tour. I’d offer my home for it, but I only have seating for two at the dining table, and my couches are a bit shabby . . . yes, I think the bookstore would be better. Please post when you know where you’ll be headed!

  156. I don’t think that hedgehog was taking a bath. It looked to me more like attemption to foil an attempted assassination-by-water….

  157. All pre-ordered for my Kindle. I even put it on my calendar as an “Event”. So I will be watching at 12:07am on THE date… that’s when Amazon delivers my preordered Kindle books. I can’t wait.

  158. This is my plan. I’m going to order your book. Then I’m going to have you sign it on your tour. And I’ll bring my hedgehog, Vlad The Impaler, and a bucket/soap, with me. And then a good time will be had by all.

  159. Sour cream and taco meat on your nachos? Tomatoes and onions? Also, it’s like your auto-correct has never even met you.

  160. OK, just preordered the book and filled out the form for the bookplate. Now I need to know how I get one of those awesome promo cards that quote Jesus. PLEASE???

  162. Please come to Winston Salem, NC on your book tour! You have no idea how much it would mean to meet you! You are an inspiration.

  163. Going down should be more whimsical like slides. Then maybe my husband would be happier. Yeah, yeah, I got your head but I’M GONNA NEED MORE WHIMSY

  165. Any way I can get a copy of that poster??

    Also, sorry if this has been asked and answered, I’m that asshole who didn’t read all the comments because I’m too tired to read.

  166. Think your shop…..envision a fabu bracelet (or necklace) with little, bitty likeness’ of Beyonce, Ferris Mewler, Martin, James & Copernicus dangling down. There’s an awesome bauble for us!

  167. Yet another rip-roaring ROTFL piece of sheer brilliance.

    Please, pretty please make a detour to Toronto, ON, Canada on your book tour!

  168. Preordered! I procrastinated like a motherfucker, but this was great incentive.

    And if you wanna do a Lexington, KY booksigning, we can make that shit HAPPEN. (In my living room, where we’ll all be on anxiety-relieving booze anyway, so we can definitely accomodate more.)

  170. I’m just north of Dallas, and I ALREADY HAVE sharp cheddar, doritos, jalapenos, AND ranch! I also have a bathroom large enough for a smallish cocktail party and a sno-cone maker.

    You can bring Victor along and he can play Marvel vs. Capcom with my husband in the garage. It’s almost like it was meant to be.

  171. Noooooo! What if we poor Canadians sent you self-addressed, pre-stamped envelopes? Could you possibly send us back autographed Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplates? Otherwise you absolutely must come to Toronto!…please?

  172. I pre-ordered for my Kindle but I still want the plate (i filled out the penguin form) because I have been looking for some b-ling for my kindle and this will do the tre-yak. Also, I have a hedgehog and I can tell you that hedgie was NOT enjoying that bathe, he was swimming for his little quilly life. Those crazy high pitched women should be reported.

  173. That mug says “I love going UP the DOWN Escalator” as anyone can plainly see. What is wrong with you people?

    The little person figure looks like it’s facing up to me, and the arrow shows it’s a DOWN escalator.

  174. Sad that the book plate is only for Americans. I live in Australia. And not even on the populous side of the place. So I doubt you will be signing books over here. Mind you, you have quite a lot of fans in my hometown.

    And, I actually do live in a state that is bigger than Texas. 8 times bigger. Just sayin….

  175. I was thinking of purchasing a copy for myself and buying extra copies to give to friends as gifts. So do I only get a single Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookmark or can I get one for every purchased book? Somehow doing the Solomon solution to Hamlet would lessen the impact of the bookmark.

  176. I’m cool with you swinging by and all, but I don’t do Nachos. I am crazy with the baking though, so if cake, cupcakes and cookies are OK, feel free. When you come over though, you have to sign the wall in my living room. It will thoroughly piss off Huzzy, AND I’ll be able to say “Jenny signed my wall!” and people will be all like, “But I didn’t see that on Facebook.” And I’ll be like, “No, my WALL, My living room wall. With marker. She’s worse than my toddler.”

    Increase on resale value of my house FTW

  178. Huh. For some reason I saw a guy going UP a down escalator. I thought you were making a statement about going against the grain. And I always thought I had a dirty mind. Guess I don’t anymore!

  179. I was reading the comments (which are as good as your blog most days) when I realised that in April (or September) when I have my ‘going down’ mood and get all anxiety and cryey and sadey, not all obsessed with whimsical sessions of oral) that I can come here and laugh my ass off.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you Jenny Bloggess and your super blog-commenting people (what is the collective term for these people (oo and me!)? Bloggess-ers? Bloggess-ians? Bloggess-iards?). I am not scared of April 2012 – I am thinking I can pre-order your book and have a little April celebration of ‘going down’ instead – which may or may not involve actual slides, or whimsical sessions of oral 😉

  180. Love it!! Several years ago I was working in Dubai. While there, I had to take a friend to the airport and when we were on the elevator in the parking garage there was a sign that had all the different languages to mark the elevator as the “down” elevator. We got to laughing because in English it said “Go Down” and in Arabic it translated to something like “Shananalah”…. So now, our new way to say “go down” is “Shananalah” !! :o)

  181. Looks like there are many of us out of luck Canadians (hopefully just until further notice). I say we all band together and form an invasion army! We will come into the US and wave our hockey sticks threateningly until we get our book plates! But not to worry, we’ll bring nachos. And poutine. Then, we’ll clean up nicely with our pocket serviettes, say our polite “thank yous” and head back north on our saddled moose. Eh.

  182. Just pre-ordered. I’m very excited.

    Also, I’m going to watch that hedgehog video every night before I go to bed because it puts me in a happy fluffy place.

  184. Jenny — I was, of course, planning on buying your book and now have changed my mind….I am going to pre-order it, right this minute. I cannot fill out the form for nameplate because I am in Canada, so thank you for providing a digital copy. Hoping your book becomes a best-seller because you are courageously awesomely beautiful. P.S. I think Jesus would love it.

  185. Me: I want the Bloggess’ book.
    My fiance: Why?
    Me: Because it’s going to be AWESOME and HILARIOUS! Also, any book with a taxidermied mouse holding a skull, dressed in an Elizabethan collar and cape on the cover is AWESOME!
    My fiance: No, it would be better if it was RAVEN holding the mouse, holding the other thing.
    Me: *gasp* Oh my god. And a cat could be holding the raven, holding the mouse holding the skull. We just created an infinite loop of AWESOME!

  186. When I first glanced at it, it totally looked like a slide, love slides. Then I read a little more and now Victor has spoiled the mug for me, nice one Victor. I’m considering pre-ordering your book for all my family members for Xmas since none of them have a fucking sense of humour and it will be fun to put some sparkle into their lives. But, some nameplates to Oz would be awesome! Actually just one for me

  187. I thoroughly enjoy every word that you write! I brought my husband over to read this, we both laughed!! Thank you so much for sharing such fine moments, my dear!

  188. Cee, the Canadian invasion army must say “Excuse me!” while invading, or that just wouldn’t be nice.

  189. If you weren’t already married, I’d propose. I love slides too!!!!!
    Oh, wait, I’m not really a lesbian; so you can clearly see A: why we couldn’t really marry each other and, B: why I loves slides as much as I do.
    That is all.
    No, you didn’t read that wrong.
    I really do loves slides that much.
    *clears throat*

  190. Awesome! I love bookplates and I love you, so it all fits.

    My favorite auto-correct story?? A few friends of mine were gossiping about a person named Grace (who is not a nice person, quite frankly) and one of the messages came through talking about “Gross”. Hey, if the shoe fits! Indeed.

  192. I’m concerned about the hedgehog. I’m not sure they like baths. Perhaps what they thought was an enjoyable float was actually sheer terror to the point of being unable to move. I think I may have missed the point of your post. Hedgehogs are distracting.

  193. Oooh

    I am number six on the waiting list at the Calgary Public Library in Alberta Canada.

    There are ten copies on order.

    I may just have to paste one inside “my” copy!

  194. I used to live in Beijing, where some brilliant person got the idea to steal the I Heart NY logo (how do you type a real heart anyway?) and make I Heart BJ shirts. The shirts were wildly popular among a certain segment of expats, but I don’t think the vendors ever figured out why. Indeed, some of the expats didn’t figure out why, either, and it was awfully funny to see them strolling around town with “I Heart BJ” printed prominently on their chests.

  195. I realized that autocorrect on my phone recognized “TARDIS” and even put it in all caps for me. Then I realized that I may have entered that into the dictionary at some point over the past year and a half. Either way, my phone is totally awesome.

  196. I think the guy needs his hands up in the air to demonstrate sliding action instead of oral action.

  197. Your book tour should come to Miami!! Then you can take a little break to Key West with Ferris Mewler so he can meet all the 6 toe Hemingway cats and chickens that run the streets!
    This might never happen due to the fact that we’re so far down there.

  199. Reading blizzard of awesomeness on the blog.

    Suddenly, oh. no! I pre-ordered three copies! One for me, one for my sister, and one for my mother-in-law. Who will get the bookplate?

    Cage match…

  201. I’ve already decided I’m pre-ordering the book, please stop plying me with gifts and awesome bribes!! Eh, whom am I kidding, keep the free swag comin’!

    I’m hoping the bookplate won’t be an issue getting it sent to my military overseas address, I know the book will get here no problem. But I loves me some free stuff, even better is signed free stuff with your publicist on it! He’s adorable!!! Does he do birthday party appearances?? Mine’s in June and I’d love for him to pop in and say hello! I’ll be in Maryland, let’s make this happen 🙂 (I’m really only of kind of kidding here too. I’ve been away from the states for 3 long years, does it show?!?)

  202. Hell yes I want a book plate. Done and done.

    Now I have to wait until fucking April?

    This is worse than waiting for The Hunger Games.

    p.s. i won’t buy the mug, that would make me a liar and a hypocrite. i hate slides.

  203. 1. I totally thought that was a person on an escalator.

    B. I did not know that meant anything (how could I be so naive?)

    iii. Please come to the Pacific Northwest. I will make nachos. I also like making cupcakes. Will you eat those too?

  205. Continued congrats, and I did actually watch the first 2 minutes of the hedgehog, because what is the deal with hedgehogs? It was cute, but I couldn’t stay for the whole 6 minutes.

  207. I live in Japan BUT I have a permanent residence in America too (though I am rarely there). . is it possible to be considered a valid person in US. . kinda? my car is there! can my car accept the book plate with my pre-order? My car is very nice for accepting my mail for me and I am sure it will pass it on to my dad who will mail it to me in Japan eventually. Wait, if my car pre-ordered your book (since it is in the US) then would my car be valid for this offer of a signed book plate and then maybe it can give it to me as a gift. . brain storming here, feel free to ignore this odd rambling.

  209. I love slides.

    I cannot WAAAAIT for this book, I am so excited. shiploads excited. and now the bookplate. I filled out the form.

    you can come to my place for a book tour. nachos will be had.

  210. What in the world is a book plate?

    If you’re not allowed to send special things like that outside of America to say, Australia, could you work out something else special like a Beyonce post card with something naughty written/signed on it?
    Sorry, too much Regretsy Kickstarting…

    I’m so proud of you though, and will probably pre-order your book or get around to buying it three years down the track when I get through all the other books and somehow discover it on an Australian book shop shelf.

  211. this little ditty is why i love reading you everyday…..it was perfect for so many reasons.

  212. love the mug – have no problem with a good-time girl that likes to do it in the park (just sayin). And my guacamole is the perfect accompaniment to a great many things, but especially newfoundlander nachos.

  213. Hey, somebody’s gotta serve the niche Hooker market. Good on you for tackling it. 🙂
    Can you get books winging their way over to the UK? Pretty please? I’ll get you some guacamole AND salsa. Don’t say I’m not good to you.

  214. Getting your book the in the post is going to be like Christmas and my birthday rolled into one because I’m likely to forget that I ordered it in between now and delivery day.

  215. I can’t believe I was so mesmerized by a hedgehog floating on his back in a bathtub that I watched the whole video. No doubt it’s because I’m Canadian and this was meant to soften the blow about the bookplate.

    Well played.

    I’ll still get the book even if I can’t have a bookplate. However, I need to make the poster my desktop picture. Must make Jesus proud.

  216. I live in Canada!! 🙁 and I want one!!! Plz -_- …….Canadians are always left out! 😛 not fair! But I’ll still buy the book! I can’t wait!! 🙂

  217. Any hope for Australians getting this? I can’t wait for your book!!!!!!
    Ps. On the topic of auto correct, have you seen the website that has all the auto corrects? (Damn you auto correct). I almost wet myself laughing. Almost.
    But just don’t try telling the person next to you what’s funny – it doesn’t translate well and you end up looking like a goose.

  218. So I preordered your book 🙂 After reading through most of your archive in a few days, it’s not like I ever had a choice 😉
    I hope I’ll be able to get a bookplate, too – even if I live outside of the US (Germany, to be precise) but will probably have to make do with a printout of it 🙁

  219. Autocorrect, and, indeed the universal sign for escalators, belong in a different time. A time of innocence when going down simply meant the need to change levels, and cussing was utterly unnecessary.

    How glad I am that we no longer live like that.

  222. but but but I pre-ordered months ago and I live in England! I have no idea what a book plate is, but i’m super sad I’m gonna miss out on one! ah well – the book-y awesomeness will just have to console me. Is it still gonna take an EXTRA month after the book comes out for it to get to me? If so I might just cry.

  223. Sad that no bookplates will be sent to Australia. Does your publisher hate Australians?

    On the flip side, talking about blow jobs cures writers block? I bet my hubby is going to HATE me. (I’m all talk)

  224. Ummm, my first thought (out loud) was “why is the person going up the down escalator?” My husband just shook his head & walked away.
    I preordered The Book through Amazon in December, but I live in Australia – can I still put my hand up for a name plate?

  225. Pre-ordered via amazon.co.uk. I really hope international pre-orders will be able to get the personally signed bookplates too. (Pity us because we can’t come to the book tour… yet! Let us know when the world tour starts 🙂 )

    Also, I missed the fact that all the books I ordered will be shipped together (first time amazon buyer) so my other books won’t be arriving till the end of April too. Don’t worry though, I will read yours first!

  226. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for news that international pre-orders will get bookplates! I should not be punished for your stringent immigration policies!
    Also, could you come to the UK on your booktour, specifically south London, specifically to the little Turkish coffee shop near my house that makes great cake? Because you see I would totally go and see you in a bookstore, except there would be a LOT of people, and they would probably be really near to me and that would probably end in hyperventilation and possibly fainting. And then they’d call an ambulance and you’d panic and everyone would lose.
    You know, everyone is going to turn up to your book signings with bags of nachos now. Like some insane-person inside joke. Bookstores across the globe will scratch their heads in bafflement.

  227. Am I the only one that saw the mug and thought Jenny liked messing with the flow of the esculator world?

    Honestly, where has my MOJO gone?

  228. Many things going through my mind right now, but to be fair, I’ve only had half a cup of coffee at this point of the morning.

    First, I too, thought your mug was an “I love escalators” mug. I think I love escalators more than slides so would prefer that caption as I so have to buy this mug. Then, once I finally get the staid federal job that I want, I can take it to work and be horrified when people think my mug is a sexual innuendo. Although, being in the DC area, anyone who takes Metro will totally understand my love of a working escalator.

    Second, I wasn’t planning on preordering your book as I wanted to wait at the door of my local Barnes & Noble so that I could be the first customer on book release day. This would serve many purposes. I can be the first to buy your book, I can take pictures of your book display and I can move copies of your book all over the store so more people will see it. Now that I’ve seen the bookplate, I’m going to have to preorder AND wait at B&N.

    The extra copy can go to my big kid who just moved to Chicago. I have introduced her to the wonder that is you and she already thinks Hamlet von Schnitzel is quite possible the cutest stuffed Shakespeare emoting mouse ever.

    Lastly, if you tour, I’m sure most bookstores would be willing to let you do your signings in the bathroom. I’m totally up for helping you if you do one in the Metro DC area.

  229. Love, love, love reading your blogs every morning…great way to start the work day!! Hopefully the fans in Canada will be able to order the bookplate sooner rather than later!! I am soo going to order that mug and proudly have it sitting on my work desk!!!
    Thanks for being you Jenny!

    Much Love!

  230. I pre-ordered the Kindle version; may I stick your book plate in a Tolkien novel just to confuse myself at some later date?

  231. First I was all “WOO! BOOK!” and then I saw the cover. That made me all “Holy shit! I know that mouse! He’s from Paxton Gate!” I came home from that store all jazzed to make mouse clothes for dead mice. So much so that when I dispose of an unlicensed house mouse, my kids make snarky “aren’t you going to make it a tutu first, mom? Maybe a wee clown hat to hide the damage to its skull?” comments. To think I wasted all that time nursing those bastards.

  233. I’m so crossing fingers for that bookplate to be for people pre-ordering overseas as well. That would be have been great!

    Also, I agree. Why wouldn’t there be a universal sign for slides?!? They ARE awesome!

  234. Oh, and a DC stop would be awesome and I’ll help Kara by pretending to be a bathroom attendant and shaking people down for spare change.

    Cannot wait to glue that bookplate onto my Kindle.

  236. Just had an amazing realization. I have Barnes & Noble gift cards from a December promotion at CVS. Basically, I just preordered Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and paid for it with Christmas lights. Coolest form of payment, ever.

    (Oh, and my post up above, “possible” is supposed to be possibly. I can only blame it on me. I don’t have autocorrect….)

    (Duh, forgot to mention that the big kid is a Pastry Chef in Chicago and is part of a crew of peeps opening a new and amazing restaurant there. A good friend of hers is one of the Bartenders and could totally whip up some wine slushies for you that you could have with some of Big Kid’s plated creations. And I make an absolutely killer guacamole for all the nachos that people will bring you in the DC area.)

  237. I was all ready to order the book and then the bookplate but I thought “Oh no, she’ll have THOUSANDS of bookplates to sign, and what if she gets so tired and stressed doing it that mine is the one that sends her over the edge? What if she says “I just can’t sign ONE. MORE. BOOKPLATE.” and it’s mine she’s looking at? Then what? I’d feel so guilty.
    So here’s the deal. If you do sign mine, I’ll send you something nice in return, but the thing is I don’t know where you live 🙁 so I hope we can work this out. Believe me, I can send nice things, and you deserve it.
    And I want an I Heart Going Down mug.

  238. I preordered the e-book version, but Hamlet Von Schnitzel and your fake signature are sooooo going in my Smash book!

    Thanks for all of the laughs… and hooker mugs. I don’t know any hookers, but if I did, I would buy this for them.

  240. When I saw the title of this post i half expected we were now requesting pictures of Bill Murray doing something mundane….you know like golf. I hope to be preordering in the next couple days. And I too thought the mug was going up the down escalator but I like your version MUCH better which is why you are writing the blog and we are commenting….in other words you are the fabulous one who makes us all furiously happy.

  241. Ps I’m sure Victor would say golf is an innuendo for something as well.

  243. You make me smile every.single.day! Unless you don’t post anything that day….then my whole day is shit,usually because Im late for work reading older posts that make me smile. I need a 365 day calander with “Jenny crack” on it,like the farside calanders that you can pull apart like a post-it note. You should ake one for your store.
    ps.
    I call it “Jenny crack” when Im talking to my boyfriend because its addictive like crack, not because it has anything to do with your arse,I swear. Its better than calling it “that giant chicken ladys blog” which is what my boyfriend calls it……which usually leads to me screaming because he cant remember that the chicken has a NAME!!!
    pss.
    thank you for making it more fun to be bi-polar.You sooooo rock!

  244. My eyes went straight to the mug before I started reading and I totally took it as “I love going down.” I laughed, I think that’s hilarious.

  245. If Hamlet Von Schnitzel would agree that you can do a book signing at my house in Minneapolis, I am pretty sure I could get Nathan Fillion to not attend.

  246. The coffee cup makes me believe and hope that maybe you are the grown up version of the kid from Mallrats.

    “That kid is on the escalator *again*!”

  248. … I saw the picture before I read the blog and thought, “Jenny loves ‘Up the Down Staircase’?” so there is that option as well, lol.

  249. As I was reading your debate with Victor about the meaning of the mug, my 4 year old walked up behind me and said, “I love slides.” I asked him how he knew that, and he said, “I just looked at the pictures on that cup.” Take that one to the bank. Also, I might need to get that kid a bell on his collar.

  250. “Victor: Who’s gonna buy a mug that says “I love to go down”? ”

    uh hello. the butch dyke in the corner ovah here would. most definitely. everyday. probablly pay double even.

  251. i would totally buy a mug that said i <3 going down….and no, victor, i am not a hooker. judger. and YAY! cannot wait to get my signed bookplate, i don't even know what a bookplate thingy is, but yay anyway. highly anticipating the arrival of THE BOOK.

  252. That mug would make a perfect bedside, um…spit receptacle. Or water mug. Whatever suits your fancy. Can’t wait to read your book, my girlfriends are using it as an excuse to form a book club. And by book club, I mean daytime drinking. *Cheers*

  254. I can’t believe that Victor is perpetuating the stereotypes that hookers like to go down as opposed to doing it because it’s their job. That’s like saying that secretaries like to type. And to secrete or something.

  255. Make a mug that says I love swinging and we’ll talk. You know, about swinging and stuff. Not that I buy coffee mugs because I don’t really drink coffee or other hot beverages very often. And by swinging, I mean playground swings swinging, not having sex with alot of people. Not that I wouldn’t love that either…

    The End.

  257. Hmm. I assumed it was a mug proclaiming your love of going up the down escalator. Slide love never crossed my mind. But I like the whole blow job angle. Stick with that.

  258. Oh! Please come to Baltimore on your tour! (If it’s any enticement I’ll take you for giant margaritas and/or let you play with my very lovable dog)

  260. I’ve loved you since I discovered you got Will Wheaton to collate! And seriously what girl doesn’t love to go down, now we can all be brave and proclaim our joy in mug form!

  261. OMG, it really IS a video of a hedgehog taking a bath…or at least swimming around in a bathtub. And no, I didn’t skip the bookplate part. I went back later to the hedgehog, because that’s how I roll.

  262. Personaly, I saw slides too at first. And then I saw escalators and “going down” lol. But escalators scare me so… yeah haha. But I love the cup nonetheless and it’s nothing like a good dirty conversation to get you out of writer’s block!

  263. Well I found the one guy out there who thinks that that mug says “I love slides”-my husband. I read it as “i love going up down escalators”. I guess opposites DO attract. I love him so I will keep him. Also, I love your book plate but I love your posters even more! Is there a way to get one of THOSE? Oh and to Lindsay@235 I live close to Intercourse. The joke is really that Intercourse is located in between Blue Ball and Paradise (which it really is for those who don’t know). And regarding the hedgehog, I’m with those people that didn’t think he looked like he was having fun. I think he would’ve said “WTF people, I am trying to stay afloat. Get me out of this damn bathtub. Oh look I can be a blowfish”. That all of course IF hedgehogs COULD talk. I wonder if hedgehogs like slides, or escalators, or going down?

    P.S. For those who keep asking because no one else has explained:
    A bookplate is like a fabulous sticker for the inside of your book that says “This book belongs to me”. In this case it should say “I am awesome as is Jenny Lawson. She signed my book-here>”.

  264. Book excitedly Pre-Ordered, thank you for the reminder and the incentive though I don’t even know what a bookplate is.

    BTW, when’s that Ferris Mewler Mustache mug coming? I’m assuming you’re working on that? I need like 12. Thanks,

  265. Totally preordered – can’t wait for the day it magically appears on my Kindle 🙂

  266. Oh fuck yeah! I was waiting until the book came out to order it, because I’m not good about waiting for things I order. But I got my tax return back yesterday and I was looking for something cheap but nice to get for myself to celebrate. Because of this offer, I just totally preordered the shit out of your book. Now I’m going to forget I did it and I’m going to get a wonderful surprise in the mailbox in April. Yay for presents for future-me from past-me!

    P.S. I think you’ll like this. There is a taxidermist near my house whose business motto is “Skinnin & Grinnin since 2009”.

  268. Ok, I pre-ordered the Kindle version, too, and am SOOOOO excited to stick the bookplate to the back of my iPad (which is where I read now, having given my Kindle to my youngest daughter.) I love the idea of electronic readers becoming covered with bookplates, like old steamer trunks covered with destination stickers. I makes me ridiculously happy, but it means we’re gonna have to convince other authors to be as cool as you, Jenny.

    And I’ll have a giant plate of nachos waiting for you if you come to Minneapolis on your book tour. They don’t call me “Norsk of the Border” for nothing!

  269. Maybe autocorrect thought you were freaking out more than you actually were — you can get a whole lot more in shiploads than in shitloads. Trust me on this one — I work in ship finance (anyone want to buy an oil tanker? Got several to go — cheap), and you can get a whole lot in a ship load.

    Anyway, thanks for the reminder to preorder. If you knew what a big fat cheapskate I am, you would be even more impressed that I’m thrilled to pay FULL PRICE and not just wait for the local library to get it. It must be true love if a cheapo shells out the bucks! I’ll be checking the mail 5x a day until the book arrives. Is is here yet? Is it here yet? How about now? Now? Now?

    P.s. For the book tour, you are welcome to come to my house. Hope you are not allergic to dogs. I’ll set out some sangria. For the people, not the dog. Although the dog does try to sneak a taste now and then. Hope you are not allergic to sangria-scented dogs.

  270. Pingback: Reading vs. Writing | ePENymous

  272. Well, I ordered the kindle edition and a hardcover for my bookcase…now the tough decision of where to put my bookplate… Getting super excited for April! Game of Thrones and your new book all at one time?! I might just spontaneously burst from all the excitement!

  273. So I was going to ask the dumb question of ‘do kindle pre-orders get a bookplate?’ before realizing that ‘Duh! The book plate would probably just mes up my screen!’ so I have decided to order the hardcover version of your book. Mostly because I have a feeling that I could cheer my friends up by lending it to them, but I don’t trust them enough to think I’d ever get my kindle back.

    Oh, and so I can get a bookplate. When they fix the whole no PO Box thing. B/c they totally should. Especially for APO boxes for people in other countries (like me!).

  274. You are an evil temptress. I was going to just get the audiobook AND I live in Canada but I am weak and you are strong, so I ordered the book anyway and had the nameplate sent c/o my sister in Boston. Hmm, maybe I should thank her for taking delivery with a brand new mug …

  276. Clearly I need to spend more time in the city to learn all of Victor’s wise ways. I looked at the mug and thought, “Who would love climbing UP the down escalator? That’s just silliness”

  277. So, I ordered your book and the Harry Potter DHP2 Blu-Ray at the same time, then clicked combine into as few shipments as possible, you know for the environment and stuff. We’ll now I don’t get Harry Potter until April…that’s how much I want this book.

  278. Love the book, blah, blah, blah….but I’m concerned for the hedgehog. I know he’s only swimming because he said to me, “F you bitches of course I’m swimming. Stop with all the bull about how proud you are of me, because you two dumb asses threw me in this tub and are trying to drown me!”

  279. I love that Victor had to add the “again” to his question about making mugs for hookers.

    I’m really looking forward to the book and I am already imagining bookstore reactions to the line of people waiting for you to sign your book. The line will be full of people in red dresses, wearing silver ribbons, carrying either metal chickens or taxidermied animals that are laughing and sometimes crying* and talking about the impact and awesomeness of you, The Bloggess. It will be the furiously happy tour and there will be plenty of shenanigans afoot.

    *crying in a good, cathartic way…not in a I’m so sad I’ve been forced to be here sort of way.

  280. I will buy a mug that says “i love to go down” take that Victor. Also, i just keep reading this over and over again because work is lame and this makes me giggle. 😉

  281. I AM BEING DISCRIMINATED BECAUSE I ORDERED KINDLE VERSION. You didn’t think of us with the book plate idea, did you?

    Just kidding.

    Sort-of.

    I think you owe me like sign my Kindle with a Sharpie or something. Not on the screen of course because then I couldn’t read my book.

    This is getting complicated.

  282. You will have a book tour in Houston, your old stomping grounds, right? I haven’t been this excited about a book tour since.. ahem.. well.. I’ve never been excited about a book tour let alone THIS excited. Just asked for my signed book plate card since I pre ordered on Nov 4th (just checked amazon to see the date). :). I hope all the stops in your book tour have large bathrooms for you to party (take a break) in.

  284. I can only see the escalator as going up so with the arrow it reads “I love going down the up escalator” epic!! Really hope you make the bookplate offer international. 🙁

  285. Pre-ordered the Kindle book a while back.

    However, I have also ordered the HB edition for the bookplate and to share with my friends.

    Jenny needs to be shared with everyone. Not in an icky way though.

  286. My husband and I had basically the same conversation about your mugs the other day when I introduced him to your shop, except I was the one saying “Who wants a mug expressing love for going down?” and he was advocating slides. Fnnny, since I’m the one who wants a slide in our house.

  287. Because I am weird I want a bookplate. Even though I pre-ordered my book for my Nook e-reader. I am going to attach my bookplate to my case for my Nook. And yes, I understand this is weird. I also think I need a hooker mug for work.

  288. Pre ordered my book, requested the bookplate. And you can have a book signing at my house if you want. It is all good by me…I’m a little hard to find though, but I can print up maps. Whatever, but I have a slide, or I will have a slide. I am going to buy cause I too love to slide and now I know its ok to love to slide even at 55. So thank you for making it ok for me to slide in public. Or at least in front of my family. Well the dogs at least, but I am rambling now. Thank you Jenny for being you and making me feel it’s ok to be me.

  289. Damn, now I’m gonna have to order a hooker mug too… Jenny I should just give you my credit card since I spend it all in your store…I guess you already have my credit card, technically since I shop in your store a lot…Now I know where those charges for meat of the month club came from…

  290. Jenny!! Mara, comment above, said “Team
    Victor”! There should TOTALLY be some Team Victor stuff in your store! I person ally would buy the shit out of that, and I bet lots of your fans would, too! TEAM VICTOR because you wouldn’t be you without him! Love you both!

  292. The bookplate is super awesome and generous & absolutely amazing for you to offer! Thanks! And now that you have my home address, you’re welcome to do a book signing at my house. If you prefer, you can stay in the bathroom because there is just enough of a slot between the floor & the door to slide stuff under. It would be the most awesome & memorable book signing ever. Thanks again, for your generosity, kindness & ability to keep my side aching from laughter…especially on the days when I really need a laugh.

  293. Soooo…I bought your book on my Kindle AND I filled out a form for the bookplate – which I will affix to the back of said Kindle.

  294. I guess my mind isn’t as dirty as I thought it was, cuz when I looked at the mug, I thought “Oh, I love escalators,” and didn’t even question it, because, well, it’s Jenny creating the mug. ‘Nuf said.

    And now the deal is so sweet with the bookplates, I’ve preordered the hard copy *and* the Kindle versions.

    BTW, when you stop by my house for the book tour, I’ll have nachos, tacos, enchiladas, burritos, mojitos and margaritas waiting. So if you’re really hungry and need a good stiff drink, I’ll have the goods!

  295. I also totally thought you were saying you love going up the down escalator…seeing things from a different perspective…HA! And I am excitedly awaiting your book…kinda like waiting for the next Sloane Crosley or David Sedaris book!

    Prevail!

  296. Someone has to speak up for Victor here and I will. That mug absolutely says “I love going down” and what is wrong with that. I blame the church for creating a condition that suggests that going down means you are heading towards hell and are doing to be punished.

    On the other hand poor hygiene practices can lead to hellish experiences so maybe the pope knows more than I do about this. But then again the pope isn’t supposed to have practical experience in this area so I claim the higher ground.

    Damn, do you see how the church just influenced my choice of words. I should have said I claim the lower ground. Ah, the foolishness of a morning without coffee is killing me. Just send the damn bookplate to me and let’s forget the nonsensical ramblings of a crazy 40 something year-old man.

  297. Amazon: Please enter your shipping address
    Me: *types in shipping address*
    Amazon: That adress is incorrect. Is this what you meant?
    Me: No, that’s not what I meant. That’s my address. I don’t live in PR…
    Amazon: Please enter your shipping address.
    Me: But I already did!
    Amazon: Please enter your shipping address.
    Me: JUST LET ME PRE ORDER YOU STUPID PIECE OF (?°?°??? ???

  300. You are invited to Canada. We have nachos and beer. I’ll also print your digital signature bookplate and tape it to my book, I am happy to do so as it will help reduce the agonizing pain and trauma in your hand from having to sign so many other bookplates with real signatures.

    You’re welcome.

  301. Just so you know, I was feeling crappy today, and then I saw that ad for your book and laughed until I peed a little. Thank YOU!

  302. Your blog was brought to my attention last summer when I was given an iPad as I waited on a ventilator for a double lung transplant. My brother put your blog in my blog shelf, and the first post I read was about Beyonce. Now you can imagine that being on a ventilator would not be fun, and rather depressing when your future is either death or new lungs, but your blog brought me more laughs than I can say and at that point I didnt laugh much, partially because I couldn’t breath but also because life sucked. In October I received my double lung transplant after 4.5 months in the hospital. To this day I read your blog and check it multiple times a day just to see what new thing you have to say that will make me laugh or pause. We all have issues of some sort and I love how you are able to make it through and find humor even as you struggle. I look forward to reading your book, and most importantly I now have the ability to laugh until my sides hurt because I can breath. Thanks for bringing me sunshine when I needed it most.
    Sarah

  303. Do the name plates get sent before or after the book release? I have pre-ordered the book but will be moving between now and the time it is released so I have no idea which address to use for the name plate. This is a serious issue…I want a signed version of the book!

    (Before, I think. ~ Jenny )

  304. I thought about getting this mug for the office because I love slides!! May need to rethink that though don’t want my mug to became an H.R. issue!!

  305. You just post a date when you’ll be in an Austin bookstore for signings. I’ll be there with a copy of your book, wearing a formal, leading a gaggle of friends and some chickens for you to sign.

    You know.
    Like you do.

  306. I thought it was I heart escalators…so I’m apparently oblivious to both the universal signs for “going down” AND slides.

  308. I talk about you behind your back…. but that is okay because then I paste a word for word transcript for you to read:

    me: http://thebloggess.com/
    just the first post
    it is funny
    i love this blog
    sometimes i read the entries twice when i get mad at her for not writing frequently enough

    Elysia: hahah

    me: “Please have nachos ready”
    we would be friends her
    and also emma stone
    in real life

    Elysia: haha yes
    all of us
    in a supper club
    laughing
    with cakes

    me: A THEMED supper club

    Elysia: like throwing our heads back in laughter
    me: and we all have gorgeous hair that does what it is supposed to do
    like tumble down our backs
    as we throw our heads back
    and laugh

  309. Well, I had been debating over which version of the book to get (Hardcover, Kindle, Audio) but this tipped the scales to hardcover. Looking forward to April 17!

  310. I heart you. I heart your new mug. Please be prepared for pictures of this work of art sitting on my desk at work. Also, I’m sure I will heart your book too. I ordered it a few weeks back.

  312. Did any one else get sidetracked watching the video of the “swimming” hedgehog? My DH walked into the room while I was watching it, and I was all like, “Hey! Come watch this video of a swimming hedgehog, except a) it isn’t swimming, it’s floating on it’s back now, and B) it hasn’t moved in a while…I think it drowned!” Talk about relieved when the thing rolled over, but panic set in again as its face went under the water multiple times. It was like watching a video based on a Beatrix Potter book about waterboarding!

  316. I hope when you start your tour.. you goto Honolulu. Because that’s where the military is sending us in June. >.< I'll buy you a coconut bra & grass skirt so we can Hula!

  318. Nathan Fillion wouldn’t send me a picture of him eating bacon either. Neither would Ryan Reynolds. It must be a Canadian thing. I did, however, manage to procure some lovely photos of Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen holding sporks at the Portland State University food carts last week though. So I can now add them to fellow spork-carriers Timothy Hutton, Alan Tudyk, and Kyle MacLachlan in my montage.

  319. I live in Seattle. Amazon.com is in Seattle, they sell your book. Also, there are a lot of really funky people in Seattle, but not as many as in Portland, but still we are loaded with the strange (I am living proof), my point? Your book tour will be coming to Seattle because your kind of people are here, so I will wait and have my copy autographed in person. See if you can get someplace cool like Elliot Bay Book Store an Independent and not Barnes and Noble (which is where I am sure you will end up). Have no fear about coming to Seattle, you have a fan here who has a prescription to Xanax and a really cool Therapist that would probably be more than happy to talk you out from under a table, she talks me down from the ledge often. I would recommend however you stay out of the 5000 coffee shops we have around the city…just because everyone jitters here you don’t have to.

  320. Damn that Ferris Mewler is a sexy cat. Look at him with his tongue out, all “Come hither, my dear”. Nathan Fillion, I want you to wrap yourself in twine and stick your tongue out while saying “Come hither” with your eyes, just like Ferris Mewler here. Preferably shirtless.
    Thank you,
    The entirety of the Firefly fandom that also reads the Bloggess

  323. P.S.

    Thank you Jenny for forcing me to buy your book TWICE. One for me to have for the bookshelf and hopefully get you to sign on your book tour and the other for my Kindle (I couldn’t ask you to sign my Kindle). Well it is a first edition and in 20 years I can pass it down to someone as a collector’s item. And they will be all…oh SHIT you have a First Edition Lawson???? Are you kidding me? I’ll be all arrogant about it too. I’ll be really old and arrogant.

  325. Man, if I could only have as much fun with a spool of twine as Ferris does… think of the money I’d save! (Among other things, I could afford to have one of those fancy TV samurai chefs prepare the world’s best nachos and cater a book tour party at my humble abode). Heck, I could even afford to have Jesus the Hairdresser come & give everyone free perms.

  327. I live in Australia and the fact that I cant get a signed book plate sent over makes me sad… I guess I’ll get over it. I ordered a copy for me and my sis as a birthday present. Can’t wait til they arrive. You really are an amazing human being. Muchos love. D

  328. Jenny,
    you rock my world over and over again (I mean in a really bitchin’ slide kind of way, not the other thing). And it has NEEDED rocking. I think I may actually be starting to get the stick out of my ass. It’s really been quite painful, but all the laughing definitely helps.
    Thanks again. Can’t wait to get the book and plate, but of course I will, gladly.

  330. WHAT THE EFF?! (1) I live in Canada, and (2) I pre-ordered the Kindle version. Lucky for me, my in-laws live in California and now I have an awesome sticker for the back of my Kindle! Yay!

  331. that’s clearly a guy masturbating on an escalator.

    and although everyone is saying “ewwwww! gross”, that’s exactly what the escamasturbator wants you to think, you stupid fuckers. see he’s a terrorist. his escamasturbation is being done so that his radioactive jizz (did i mention he has radioactive jizz?) will clog up the escalator and irradiate everyone else in the mall.

    who’s laughing now?
    escamasturbator is, that’s who.

    suck it.

  333. I am ordering the audio book version so you can read me to sleep everynight. Can I still get a bookplate, and where do I put it?

    (Just stick it to the back of the CD case. ~ Jenny)

  334. I do believe that Nathan Fillion has just been out-sexied (it is TOO a word) by Ferris Mewler!

    Get with the program, Nathan Fillion! I think the ante has just been upped!

  337. I rarely buy books till they come out used (single mom on shoe string budget) but THIS I will buy, and I will love, and hopefully laugh myself silly on the bus while riding into Seattle and making all the people next to me totally uncomfortable as I giggle and roll in the isle, and then I can laugh at them too! Will be amazeballs!

  339. We already knew Ferris Mewler was a sexy, sexy beast. And now he’s posing with twine?! That’s almost too much!

  340. My mother in law is in Alaska. Think she could pre-order for me, have the book send OVER MY HEAD to Alaska, and then mail it on down to me? I mean yes, I could just order the book, steal the book plate image, print it, and paste it in myself. But I like the idea that you licked it. You are personally licking them all, right?

    OH MY GOSH THAT’S THE CREEPIEST I’VE EVER SOUNDED!

    Gar.

  342. I was wanting to download your book on my iPad when it is available. So now you are telling me you are going to sign my iPad? When you sign my iPad it is basically going to fuck up my Angry Birds and Solitaire playing so now I am going to have to buy a new iPad. Damn Jenny, this book is going to cost me a shitload of money! Thanks for that.

  344. I think maybe you need to give Victor a little mouth hug or two, just to get his mind off of it. Since he’s seeing it everywhere.

    I’m totally buying one of those mugs for my office.

  345. What the fuck is up with the hedgehog? Or rather, with the women doing the commentary. In spite of the cutness of the hedgehog, there’s no way I could make it through 6 minutes of them. 🙂

  346. Ferries Mewler is making some very sexual expressions there. Twine has never looked so hot 😛

  348. Ferris Mewler is making some very sexual expressions there. Twine has never looked so hot 😛

  349. I totally just pre-ordered your book because a picture of you with TWINE is a FUCKING MUST! And I am completely convinced you will rock the twine better than Ferris Mueller. Just saying’…

  350. Gotta go with Victor on this. That is totally an escalator. Or a de-escalator as he pointed out. A slide would not have sideboards like that has. Just make it a flat platform and the guy flying off the end, ass-over-appetite, with his arms and legs flailing.

    You’re welcome.

  354. I pre-ordered the shit out of your book JUST NOW. And I requested my bookplate. Best payday EVER.

  355. I have to get this mug and take it to Gulf War. That way I can just screw with people’s brains. Also if I get propositioned I can just be all “It means I love SLIDES. Gosh.”

  356. that’s going to be a lot of miserable europeans without von schnitzel bookplates.

  357. I totally love that mug! I will buy it and keep it on my desk and when a dirty IT guy comes by and gives me “that” look, I be like, “I *heart* slides @$$hole. Get your mind out of the gutter.” And, it will be totally awesome! =)

    Yay! So excited about the bookplate!!! You are awesome and so deserving of a bestseller!!! =) Can’t wait to get my copy!!!

  358. I pre-ordered! I commanded my (comparatively meager) legions of Facebook minions to pre-order! I requested the bookplate! You’re No. 1 in my… um, let’s say “heart,” so can I have the naked photos of you, anyway?!? XOXO

  359. i dont know where to start with the joy i got from this post. First of all i am super excited for my book nameplate! Second of all , ferris mewler, nude, with twine, awesome 🙂

  360. When I can pre-order from Canada…I will to get my own nameplate!! Please come to Canada for book signings!!!!!!! I make the most amazing nachos…and margaritas!! I will share with you…or make you your very own!

  361. Hell I’ll throw in booze and taxidermy supplies if you come hang for the day…

    Cant wait to read the book!

  363. Maybe you could convince Wil Wheaton to join in your crusade persuading Nathan Fillion to hold twine for you. He might not listen to hundreds of Bloggess fans, but maybe he’d listen to Wesley Crusher.
    P.S. The nachos are being made!

  364. Would you please make your mug design into a t-shirt? Because I want to buy it for my hooker friends, but I’m afraid they will spill their coffee while going down on the slide.

    And by my hooker friends, I mean I really want it for myself, but I’m not a hooker and I don’t drink coffee. But it was funnier to say it the other way. And I would totally wear it as a t-shirt.

  366. You know in the mini -beyonce post I said I wouldn’t catnap Ferris Mewler but if you keep shoving him in my face with all of his Catastic-ness, i may have to rescind that statement.

    Freaking cute cats… With Twine?! Who needs that Nathan guy….
    Anyway CONGRATS! I cannot wait to read it!

  367. I really think you should add Beyonce printed towels to your shop. You know, go full circle with it.

    Side note: I seriously cannot wait until your book comes out.

  369. Have I told you today ” I love you” cuz I do and I think we should be best friends. All I have to do is move next dooor to you. Or move next door to me. I have nachos AND cheese

  371. So…I totally thought the mug said “I :heart: escalators.” Which to me…seems totally reasonable because who really wants to hike all the way up a flight of stairs?! And elevators are scary! You can get stuck in one for..hours!

  372. please ignore my last post. It’s full of typos. I lost my F7 key. Literally. It came off and then I lost it.

  374. Since I live in Canada, can I pre-order the book but send it to a friend who lives in the US and get the nameplate?

  375. I don’t know, you may hit #1 as tomorrow is payday and I plan on ordering mine then…how many others also have this plan? hmmmmmm.

    I can’t wait. And I really can’t wait for the book on audio! I know I will be listening at work with my headphones on cracking up. No one will know why and that will be our little secret!

  376. What if we preorder the Kindle version? Do we still get a book plate? I could hang it on the wall or something…

  378. I love how in the second picture up on the right, Ferris is looking out as if to say, see Nathan Fillion, even I can make this look good 🙂
    I have to tell you, Jenny, you’ve been one of my biggest inspirations over the past couple years. It’s been a bumpy couple of years, but Beyonce, the travelling red dress and most recently, silver ribbons have made me laugh, cry, whoop hysterically and basically make everyone around me think I’m nuts when I read your posts. Which is fantastic. Because I pretty much am nuts. And inspired.
    Love.

  379. I just ordered my copy of your book! I’m even paying for it WITH MY OWN MONEY, despite the gift card I’m hoarding. I’ll use my gift card for books I don’t really want. Like textbooks. Your book is better than a textbook. Unless someone starts using your book AS a textbook. Then your book is the BEST textbook and dear God I just figured out what class my school should offer next semester…

    Now how long do I have to wait to order your children’s book?

    In the meantime, I’m going to start saving up for your oral sex mug. For my husband.

    This is the best shopping spree ever.

  380. AHH. I am fairly sure I pre-ordered your book BUT when I look thru my Amazon acct I don’t see it anywhere? Help! I will pre-order if I haven’t, but I don’t want to twice… Help? Anyone?

    (Look through your recent orders. It should show as unshipped on the bottom. ~ Jenny)

  381. man, what do i have to do to get you to come to MY house and sign books? and boobs? mostly books though. seriously…..i’ll do anything. including murder. i also need that red dress for my friend sarah. her post-chemo beach extravaganza needs a red dress. i know…..you can come to the beach house WITH the red dress and sign books from there. there will be a lot more boobs in that deal since its a girls’ weekend. PLEASE! we’ll have booze, food, knives, vicodin (well, those are for me) and lots of porn videos. lots.of.porn.videos.

    have i convinced you yet?

  382. Ferris is so darn handsome!! I just love him. And you!!! Congrats on such success!!

  384. Growing up Catholic means that of course I thought you meant a slide. And then how many times have I tried to explain to my husband that “everything is not about sex.” Which might also have to do with my Catholic upbringing.

  385. Whew…that was a lot of baby talk with the hedgehog. And he was so terrified apparently he shit in the water, then went rigid on his back for 5 minutes. I don’t think he was enjoying it.

    Congrats on your book — I’m supposed to be preordered for the ebook, but it hasn’t shown up yet. I’ll have to plaster the bookplate to my forehead.

  386. I will totally pre-order, now! I had planned to get it when it came out, but you know what? I’ve got a Nook, I can pre-order any ol’ time I want!

    p.s. I hope you come east on your book tour.

  387. As further incentive to come do a book signing at my house in Minneapolis, I have a cat named Victor. He always thinks he’s right.

    PS. I’ve decided that my TravelingRedDress is to host a book signing party at my house for you.

  388. I preordered my copy from Barnes & Noble, but in ebook form. I apologize if this means you get a smaller cut but, you know, I’ve got two kids in college and all so I’m a bit short on cash and a bit long on the need for a laugh, so we do what we have to do.

    Anyway, could I still have a bookplate even though I have no book to which I could attach it? Perhaps I could just farm it and hang it above my desk at the painfully boring job, maybe even in a frame made from twine, to give me a smile during the day.

    Thanks so much for your consideration.

  389. um. you’ll be needing to update this post again with NEW pictures as your book is now #1 on Amazon. Make it so.

  390. I hope YOU know how amazing as you are! Pre ordered the book! printed the pic for my office, its going in a frame next to my kids pics 🙂 so going to order your amazing conversation starter mug! Book tour is a must! The panel will camp out to be the first in line.

  392. Aw, Doni beat me to it! You are number #1, literally and figuratively. I have pre-ordered many copies for me and my loved ones and will be stalking your book tour for signatures and my first edition before giving them away to said loved ones.

  393. Please get this available on Kindle – I can keep the baby awake laughing !

  395. The hedgehog video…O man! that thing is so super cute…but those chicks babbling in the background did get kind of annoying after about 30 seconds…though I’d probably be doing the exact same thing 😛 But I was worried that with your penchant for the macabre that at some point the poor little thing wouldn’t turn back over and would be…well…you know…

    As for the blowjob/cunnilingus mug…that slide is totally a SLIDE. It looks EXACTLY like the slide picture on the emergency card in an airplane. It is an inflatable slide. Obviously. Maybe it could be mistaken for an “I *heart* water-crash landings” but definitely NOT for what Victor said.

  396. What on earth would you do without Victor? Seriously, it looks like a slide to me, too, and despite the arrow, I think the little guy is going up. It just looks like it.

  397. Big congrats on your famousity kiddo. It’s well deserved for sure.

    But I must admit I too thought it was an escalator. Perhaps legs under the slide would remove any confusion for those of us who are less visionary.

  398. Did I mention that there will be nachos?
    Seriously, my house, Minneapolis, book signing:
    Nachos.
    Cat named Victor.
    No Nathan Fillion.
    Clean litterboxes.

  399. I will preorder too, I have seen many Canadians, Australians, and Britsh upset because they won`t get the bookplate, so I feel kinda better being upset from a totally different part of the world (BOLIVIA) (and being part of the group who don`t know what a bookplate is)

    I will still try to get it putting a friends address

    Vanessa

  404. Jenny, I am so happy for you right now I could scream. Or set something on fire. Or scream while setting something on fire. Whatever. I’m just ecstatically happy for you.

    Also, that is the hottest photo I have ever seen. I need a moment. Is that creepy? Sorry.

  406. You’re amazing, and I wish I had Wolf Blitzer so that I had a reason to get semi-naked for the interwebs.

  407. When I saw the mug, my first thought was ‘I love slides’. Apparently, I too was outside of the ‘everything can be dirty sex thoughts at the moment – how rare.

  408. At a love remote for my radio show today I was demonstrating burpees but this weird man thought I was giving him a lap dance and I scared him so badly he dropped his biscuit.
    I need to get a bookplate. I can put that and the poem you wrote me about my hair while at BlogHer in the book. It will be awesome.

  409. Seriously? I make the most awesome nachos. So, if you come to New England, plan on my house, mmkkay?? 🙂 And? If I buy a kindle version, can I get a virtual bookplate? I’m about to preorder!! 😉

  410. I can’t wait for your book to come out – please tell me it’s going to be available in Canada!

  411. You are a beautiful woman and I wish I had your curves. Can’t wait to read the book!

  413. Jenny, there is not enough coffee in my body to see if this has already been addressed, so I am just going to be the Lazy Bum who asks. I live in Okinawa and have a Military Post Box. SO I filled the form in with my dad’s address but used the same email address on the form so you could match it up. Is that all good with you?

    Do you need anything from Oki? Dessicated pig face in a package that has sunglasses printed on? Dried snake (for eating, not decor)? Local sugar liquor that has a giant venomous snake in it?

    If you wanted to tour here, you could certainly find things to do. We have a curved escalator here. It’s in a store that has Everything and it leads up to a bridal store. On a street with statues of hotdogs eating hotdogs, ginormous Hello Kitties dressed as things and random manga characters.
    Also, there is a Love Hotel that has King Kong on the top of it. You can see it from the expressway and it’s between two churches.

  414. Congrats on getting to number 1! I plan on buying your book for myself and my friend who introduced me to your blog so many months ago! With any luck those of us in Canada can eventually get the bookplate 🙂 Maybe I’ll just have to rent a US mailbox for that purchase and drive down to get it 🙂

  415. Oh, I think Tina Fey will like you AND your book! (Be sure to read hers.) AND she probably wants to pose naked in your wolf, too. So I look forward to this and to you hosting SNL. And a guest gig on 30 Rock. And The Colbert Report.

  416. Oh ignore my previous comment – I’m preordering it from Chapters now! Jenny – you are awesome, an inspiration. I am trying my best to get my shit together in my life so I too can be furiously happy!

  417. Oh, Jenny. You are beloved by so many and my voice is just another in the mass of people, but I do so love you. And I personally find nothing wrong with a cup that says “I love going down.” I’d prefer a cup with a picture that says “I love it when YOU* go down” but that might be confusing on a mug, yes?

    *By “YOU” I meant somebody else. Not YOU you. You know? I meant YOU as in a Guy. Because I am straight, not lesbian.**

    **Not That there’s anything WRONG with that.***

    ***I do so miss Seinfeld.****

    ****Is it inappropriate to use so many asterisks on someone’s comment? My bad.

  420. I totally thought that mug said “I love escalators”, which I do, so I would totally buy one. 🙂 Congrats on #1!

  422. At least someone in your house flosses. Way to think about your dental future Ferris.

  424. I ordered the book so long ago I had no idea how long it was but I FILLED OUT THE FORM IMMEDIATELY. Listen Jenny, NYC is big and kinda scary sometimes, so if you want some time in the burbs (I will supply nachos with xanax in them if you need it) you can always hand out here. Depending on your mood you can do a book signing or just hand out and play with my sweet dog, Callie. I’d say my teenagers but I failed as a parent, they don’t read. From your fellow blogger and friend, Laurie F. @ hibernationnow

  426. That mug is perfect for my Saturday morning two weeks ago when I fell DOWN the stairs carrying a bunch of stuff for work. When everyone found out – I could’ve been like, see – I purposely fell down the stairs because… I LOVE falling down stairs. (Points to mug.) Ha.

    Just pre-ordered your book. Yay!

  427. I just bought my copy AND sent in for a nameplate! I cannot wait for April to get here.

  428. I just cried at work all because of this post. Seriously. Tears ALL over the keyboard and shit.

  429. You are fucking awesome. Your courage, your heart and your humor are my cure when I need it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can’t wait to read the book!

  432. This is totally because I went and preordered the damn thing after reading this post. :p I’d forgotten to do so, and I’m sure that pushed it over the edge! Congrats, Nude Lady With Dead Animal. Fabulous news.

    P.S. The mug is awesome. It’s even better with the oral sex connotations.

  433. i am almost ashamed to say that I looked at your nudey pic. BUT I saw Ferris’ pic and was like, “How is she going to top this?” and I had to see if you even came close….and you did, with a giant wolf hat.

  434. After reading about the new mug, I remembered how much fun slides are. So I took my 7 month old son to the park and made him go down the slide. Turns out he does not heart slides. He does, however, heart shoving objects so far down his throat he gags and vomits. I’m pretty sure my little boy has a lucrative future in gay-for-pay porn. As long as it doesn’t involve slides.

  436. hahaha, My husband needs that mug for his cubicle!!! Loving the kitten nudity. Just loving it.

    You should come to Dallas!!!

  437. So excited for your book!!! I even had to blog about it. Because you rock and I love you. But now I am in a quandry…you see I have a mad love affair with my iPad and I really wanted your book as an E-book, but now there’s a bookplate and though I am a genius librarian, even I can’t attach a bookplate to my iPad. What to do? My coworkers are urging me to go for the hard copy…probably so they can steal it.

  438. When I first saw the mug I thought it was “I love going up the down escalator”. I can see it also meaning “I love slides”. I think Victor’s really reaching with “I love to go down”, but maybe it’s a guy thing.

    I hope the issue of sending the bookplate to non-PO box addresses is resolved soon. I live in a small town in Nevada and we only get mail by PO Box, home delivery is NOT an option here.

  439. I’m Participating! Oh wait that’s a different site. Anyway, you mean so much to me thank you for being such a wonderful voice in the darkness.

  440. Please come to Philadelphia, nachos will be provided. Plus, I can just imagine you doing Fresh Air with Terry Gross.
    About that mug. I work at a law firm and we have a rooster portrait, which I think is a funny portrait to have up because it says, we’re not a stuffy law firm with oil portraits of lawyers, we have whimical portraits of roosters. So, several years ago I was in charge of the holiday party entertainment and I thought, I’ll take the rooster to the party and tell everyone that there’s a contest for who creates the best (joke) slogan for the firm. And it wasn’t until I was reading the entries, aloud, that I realized that a synonym for rooster is COCK and, well, you get the picture. If only I’d had a Victor in my life when I was naively dreaming up my slogan-for-the-firm game.

  441. awww, man. i screwed all over the place! i pre-ordered my book for kindle. i live in Australia. i don’t have a printer. i would absolutely adore a mug that said ‘i <3 going down'. there are no slides within 100km of where i live.

    but let's focus on the positives. i got up this morning and my hair was magically already *amazing*. i just rolled out of bed, walked to the cafe down the street and looked better than everyone else in this small town at fucking 7am. i also had all my teeth.

    it's the little things. 🙂

  442. Hey! Love coming back and reading this blog — I think, if we knew each other, we’d have to agree that we’re way too different in so many aspects that we just couldn’t hang out. BUT. I love reading your writing, it’s great. AND I finally pre-ordered your book (took me long enough, right?).

    Anyway, Ferris is super cute in those pictures. Er, I mean sexy.

    And finally…….. it must become overwhelming to get so many comments. I’d probably end up ignoring them but PRETENDING I didn’t.

  443. You make my day several times a week. What would make my year is if you hang out with a small part of your fan club in New York next time you come here. I promise to find a place with lots of bathrooms in which you could potentially hide.

  445. I can’t wait for your book.

    When Tina comes after you, see if she can set wil wheaten up to do anything on 30rock. 🙂

  447. Now see….I thought you loved quick evacuations off of an airplane if things ever went off course. That is what the mug immediately said to me without reading any further. I’m going to award you ‘slide’ rights on the picture! Everyone loves to evacuate safely off a crashing plane…..and your mug says ‘go ahead and land badly, I’ll just hop down this slide and love it’. There is a possibility that I should have kept this thought to myself.

  448. I can’t help but picture how much fun Victor had taking that picture. You better check his phone for the um, outtakes that he um, promised to delete…..

  449. Well, I didn’t think you could top the video of the hedgehog taking a bath (which I showed my boyfriend and he approved us getting our own hedgehog) but then the naked photo with the hat/friend. Yes.

  451. Ok, firstly, F. Mewler totally hot with Twine. But not as hot as Hot Mama in a White Wolf! I’m with the “up the down escalators” confused group–but like Kara, in DC we love any working escalator, because they are a rare, rare thing. And, I think we’ve got you covered for DC. But I don’t cook, so I’ll have my husband make nachos. He makes really good Nachos, because we’re really from California, so you don’t have to worry about the East/North matrix problem…and now I’m going to go ask him what escalators have to do with sex.

    Oh, and I preordered the book a while back, one for me, one for my sister, but she doesn’t get the bookplate, I do…now I just have to get my hands on the promo card! That’s fantastic!

    Thank you for being so very you.

  452. I bet it my pre-order that pushed your book into it’s number 1 position. It happened simultaneously. I feel……big. And talented.

  454. Wait a minute.. I’ve had this book preordered for months if not YEARS and I still don’t have it and you’re at number 1? WTH? Did “pre-order” change to mean that you get it after everybody else?? THERE’S A LINE, PEOPLE!! Sheesh.

    The hedgie video woldn’t play on my fancypants new phone. 🙁 For others in the same boat, search youtube for shming. See also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXjPQYgT25Q , which is is my favorite hedgie video. Hedgehogs are the new cats, you know – takin’ over the youtube! (though Ferris still rules, of course)

  456. Damnit! I was planning on getting your book for my Kindle, but that’s all shot to hell now. Because I must have the awesome book plate, but I suspect putting it on my Kindle would rather impair my ability to read the book.

    This is a plot to make us all go back to analog books, isn’t it?

  457. Sex on slides at the park would be so annoying. Think about that horrid “bare skin on metal” sound. Plus, if it’s hot out you’ll get burns in places that will embarrass you when you seek treatment. But sex on escalators might work….

    Love the nude pic!

  460. James and I, watching The Captains (Star Trek Movie):

    Me: Oh! I have to start going to Comicon and up my stalking of Nathan Fillion
    James: um, why…??
    Me: Because! I need to follow him until he does a photo-op with fans, and I’ll get my picture with him and *bamb* last minute whip a spool of twine out of my bag and hand it to him”
    James: “ok, why? Oh, is this for that blog girl- your hero?”
    me: Yes! Jenny! She’s my hero. I would go STALKER for her!

    you inspire greatness 🙂

  461. Jenny,

    Please, please make sure that Austin is on your tour! Perhaps Book People???

  462. So, see, my husband just lost his job, I won’t be pre-ordering the book, but it WILL be going on my “wish list” and maybe I’ll get it for Mother’s Day! 🙂 (laughing very hard at the person calling it “groceries”)

    LOVE the pic of you “naked” … it’s amazing, and makes me wonder if perhaps we should start a wolf blitzer movement … lol 😉

  463. I promised I wouldn’t comment, but MAN! You go, girl! A bet is a bet alright! You’re awesome!!!!!

  464. I never post comments, but this called for one! Amazing pic of you naked! Haha!

    I absolutely love your blog, and all that you do through it. Keep up the great work! Cant wait to get your book!!! 🙂

  467. Ordered! Is it April yet?

    By the way, if Tina Fey really does come after you with a cleaver, I wanna watch. Because it’d be a fake cleaver and the two of you would start joking around and Beyonce would get involved somehow, and that would be like the BEST TV SHOW EVER.

  468. Yay!
    Since I am now awake and mostly clear-headed (okay…I had a few drinks with lunch. It’s my night off from work–DON’T JUDGE ME), I pre-ordered the hardcover to go with my Kindle edition!

    More sales for Jenny!

  469. We’re assuming Wolf Blitzer developed his fondness for you after getting his personal I Love Going Down coffee cup and pissing on Victor’s leg.

    And just to clarify, is your book No. 1 in the BCS, AP and the Coaches poll or just with Nathan Fillion, Wil Wheaton and Nudists Quarterly?

    In any case, Whoa for being No. 1 and for getting all nekkids with a serious manimal. Whoa.

  470. Ok, so I have been planning on pre-ordering your book for a while now… However my boyfriend will probably kick my arse, we have only been in our current apartment for 6 months and I have already half filled the bookshelf. So I am waiting til he orders a book, so then I won’t get the guilt trip.

    HOWEVER, I currently live in Singapore. And I want that bookplate. Now if I order and get it delivered back home to Australia, is a better chance of me eventually getting that bookplate? Please? This is my first Jenny Lawson merchandise (said boyfriend would not let me get a Beyonce) and I feel it would be amazingly symbolic if it was autographed.

    Also, I plan on getting the mug. And giving it to my boyfriend. 🙂 Much more effective that way… And yes, because I interpret as Victor did. Sorry. But I do like escalators too, so I don’t feel bad.

  471. You need a mug that says “I love donut sex.”

    Or better yet, I need a mug that says “I love donut sex.”

    Either way, Victor was wrong about escalators translating into going down. Elevators are what translate into going down. Every man should know this.

  473. Sorry, sister. I’m with Victor on this one. Can you please make the “I love to go down” mug? They could come as a set. You know…one for each hooker? I mean, come on! Who gets just one hooker?

  474. I pre-ordered your book from Amazon.ca will keep an eye out for when I can order a limited-edition, Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate for my book as I live in Canada. Can’t wait till mid April!!
    You look good under Wolf Blitzer, I should get my stuffed Ptarmigan made into a hat, bet it’d be the only one and so very chick

  475. Congrats on the number one bit!

    I loved how you maintained a skeptical expression while naked under a bear. If only everyone had those skills.

  476. PLEEEASE can those of us outside the US who pre-ordered last year get a bookplate too? Pretty please? How about if I sent you a red dress too?

    🙂 I can’t wait now!

  477. Holy crap your book comes out on my birthday! Now I have a reason to be excited about my birthday coming!!

  478. Am I the only one dying to know if Jenny’s hyperventilating or worse in excitement over her book’s stellar performance on the bestseller list? 🙂

    She may need to be in a medically induced coma by the time the book’s released.

  479. Wolf Blitzer is groping the Hell out of you, lady. Can’t say I blame him…though I bet Victor isn’t best pleased.
    Oh, and Congratulations!

  480. LOVE Your nudie photo! You are gorgeous! -And it was way classier than what I imagined it would be. I had this picture in my head of strategically placed balls of twine…

  481. You’re so wild. I had to go look at the hedgehog swimming as well, just because my stepson has one. But honestly one needs to watch that with the sound muted, ugh…..

    I’m going to go order a book too, but I’d prefer a signed copy.

  482. Wow, see? Number 1 is possible!

    …and if you are near me for a book tour, I will totally come to have my copy signed. I’ve been to exactly one book-signing event ever before, and felt like I’d explode if I got to close to the author, so in the picture I’m at least an arm’s length away. But I would risk exploding for you!

  483. I love you, and you totally deserve your #1 ranking. I predict that you will make a shipload of money on your outrageous book. Or a shitload. Whichever results in the biggest haul of cash for you. Congratulations!

  484. Holy crap Jenny-Congrats on being number 1 (though I always knew you could do it)! Frankly, anyone who posts nude pictures of themselves wearing a wolf costume for the WHOLE WORLD to see can DO ANYTHING!!

    (I hope I didn’t freak you out. Mostly I just want to hug you since you are so awesome. But I want to hug you while wearing clothes-not naked and wearing a wolf because that would be a little creepy).
    Oh and hugs to Ferris Mewler as well. He totally rocks the twine!

  485. Seriously need that mug in DC because EVERY freaking escalator on the Metro is broken today.

  486. Ferris Mewler is working that twine so hard Tyra Banks called to ask for lessons. That 6th photo … that face says “I make this shit look GOOD,” like no one’s business. Does he have an agent??? Get that cat an agent and a portfolio STAT.

  487. I look forward to attending the signing at your house. I will of course need an address. No need to tell me when the tour is, I shall assume it to be whenever I show up and request signings. Will you provide the hookers who love slides or do I need to bring my own?

  488. Is that a taxidermied wolf pelt in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

  489. Amazing! Congratulations and yes, it counts. In fact, I think it’s also the only nude photo ever taken where the attractive lady is under the bear instead of on the bear.

  490. I’m pretty sure you (and victor) have just inadvertently tapped the lesbian valentine’s gift market. I’m seriously considering that mug for my girlfriend now. She say she hates it, but secretly love it.

  492. Ironic that you hide in the bathroom to avoid social gatherings, but are brave enough to post a naked picture online! Love it! Congrats on the #1!!

  493. Congrats on making it to #1! Looking forward to reading it, and no, I haven’t pre-ordered yet because I am lazy, but that’s beside the point. I AM going to read it.

  494. I would totally wear my “red dress” to your book signing if you happen to come anywhere near Fort Wayne, IN

  496. Congrats on making #1!! I ordered my copy today as a birthday present to myself. I can’t wait to read the book.

  498. Before reading the description, I was sure the mug said, “I love going up the down escalator.” Do not ask me why I was so sure that the perfectly symmetrical little man was going up, but I was sure of it!

    Love the pics of Ferris Mewler and the pic of you as well! (I was just telling a friend of mine about Wolf Blitzer yesterday, so now she shall have no choice but to go read more about him.) And congratulations on making it to #1!

  499. To a man, everything is about sex. I can’t even watch Modern Family anymore with Beerhound. Remember the episode last week where Carmen through all her underwear at Phil. Yea, that was fun. And I don’t even wear underwear that like. They’re pervs, even if we do love them.

  500. Ah! Will the bookplate ever be available in Canada or should I just give up hope and order one without? I know I can scraw a fake one in the front page but forgery has never been my forte. I always failed the draw creepy turtle to get into mail order art school.

  501. I have talked to the Prime Minister, and he assures me your bookplate and Wolf Blitzer could be shipped to New Zealand along with my book. He will call your people.

  502. I will offer my house my house in New Jersey as a book signing place!! I’ll have nachos. And wine slushies. And prostitutes who love slides. All are welcome!!

  505. This is totally unrelated, but I hope that you’re still reading these comments, Jenny. I just wore my new “Depression Is a Lying Bastard” t-shirt, and of the 2 people who saw me wearing it both said, “Nice shirt!” Congratulations for scoring 100%.

  509. Oh, you can order it through Amazon UK. How lovely, now I don’t have to convert from pounds to dollars and pay shipping costs and wait longer for it to ship and all that shit.

    *drums fingers*

    *checks mailbox*

    Not that we have mailboxes here, but if we did I’d totally be checking it right now.

  511. Please try to convince them that we who live outside the US are humans too (and that we would like a bookplate).

  512. Just a questions is the “I love going down” mug an appropriate Valentines day gift for your wife?

  514. DAMN GIRL!!! I know you’ve got body issues, cuz who doesn’t (I swear it comes preinstalled with that 2nd X chromosome), but you are looking smokin’ hott (and I really mean hott with 2 T’s because that’s even hotter than hot with 1 T). Seriously, you gotta get some wicked props for 1. Creative coverup, and 2. Wicked gorgeous curves.

  515. I am so excited. Just preordered your book and am very tempted yo get the mug for the hubby. Hebe.

  516. Geez…who knew you were so big in Canada, eh? Well, we love you here in Chicago and looking forward to pre-ordering your book!

  517. Just pre-ordered on amazon and requested my bookplate. Yay!!! Of course, I’m hoping to have my book signed in person because I’m hoping you do an event in San Antonio and that I will be able to go. 🙂

  519. My alarm erroneously went off at 5:30 am on a Saturday, so I decided to use this time to pre-order your book. I don’t know how I will be able to wait until April for it!

  520. I got to about the part where Victor used the phrase “You just made a mug proclaiming the whimsical joy of oral.” and I laughed so loudly my husband came out of our bedroom and told me to shut up because he needs to go to sleep.

    I suggested that sleep is for the weak and TheBloggess.com is for the awesome and he should really try to be more awesome.

    He just rolled his eyes and ran away (read: Went back to bed.)

  521. Am I the only one wondering why A Feast For Crows is on Amazon’s Humor list? I was looking up Jenny’s book (Yes, I will be purchasing it!), and I noticed that a George R.R. Martin’s book was on the same list as Jenny’s.
    I am a huge fan of Martin’s books. Anyone watch Game of Thrones on HBO? A Feast for Crows is a book in that series (A Song of Ice and Fire Series). Doesn’t quite belong in the HUMOR category, imo.

  522. That’s exactly why my “Hang Ten” mug idea never panned out. Turns out I’d inadvertently posted an image of the “Shocker” instead.

    Also, I was told that “Hang Ten” is so, like eighties.

    Congrats on the book, you deserve it.

  523. I just read the update—congratulations! I normally buy books for my nook, but for yours, I wanted to have the real thing. Plus, I really want to be able to put the fancy nameplate in it. I’m so happy for you—it’s well-deserved.

  524. Hopefully you won’t get a hand-cramp signing all of those awesome bookplates. If you do, maybe you can get Ferris Mewler to step in for a while!

  525. throw up a metal chicken as a prize and thousands of people respond, post a picture of you naked and it is a few humdred. I think it means the moral compass of this country is on the upswing

  526. Okay — that was the funniest thing you ever wrote. That dang slide. That would so be something I would do — except on a very public scale where everyone would be in on the joke and I’d still be thinking it was a cute slide. Congrats on all the book hoopla. See, all the hard work was worth it.

  527. I’d buy your mug in a heart beat both for myself and my orally fixated friends!!!..clever, funny as hell and brilliant!!!!!!!!

  529. I think it looks like the little person is going up. Maybe they’re one of those obnoxious kids that run up the slides when there are a bunch of kids waiting to go down the slide.

  530. I would like a bookplate, but I live in New Zealand. I pre-ordered your book anyway because I have nearly finished all the books in my house.

  532. Congrats on #1!!!

    Now I want to play Queen’s “We Are the Champions” for you….

  533. I pre-ordered the ebook. Do I get a free signed eReader? Or a signed silicone cover :-)?

  534. Since you’re all so giving & stuff, I want to give you something back. I own a custom frame shop & art gallery in Fort Worth, and want to gift you with your choice of a framed book jacket, or I’ll even frame the whole damn book. Seriously, every author should have one. Let me know and it’s yours!

  535. Oh Ferris Mewler, you sexy bitch. Love him!

    Also, am I the only one who saw the mug and thought, “Oh, it’s a man going up the down escalator, that’s cute!”

  536. Jenny, I love you! You are awesome. Also, all the kids at the school I work, wear these newfangled hats that are an animal head with a scarf attached that looks like their front arms and paws. I wonder wear these designers get their ideas? Food for thought.

  537. Found you a few months ago and my boyfriend hates that I have! But I love your sense of humor… He plays XBox live with his cousins every Sunday while I read your blog. I laugh out loud every week and start doing the “pee-pee dance” most times! His cousins hear me (they all wear headsets and talk while they play) and they always ask “What is up with your girlfriend”!!
    Just wanted to say that you are awesome and totally make my weekends…

  538. I totally thought the dude was going up the down escalator too. That graphic is like one of those weird black and white drawings where the normal people see a candlestick (or candelabra, hah!) and us fucked up people see an old, creepy witch.

    And seriously…April 17th? This is worse than waiting for The Hunger Games.

  540. I pre-ordered your book on Amazon when I first saw it was available. But I live in the UK (we have nachos, but also very yummy British food, which you will love!) so I guess I’ll have to wait and see whether your publishers decide to be super duper lovely and allow me to have an awesome bookplate to stick neatly into my copy. P.S Thanks for being you, you’re really rather cool and I like to think if we met in real life (not internet life) we’d be friends. 🙂

  541. Nachos? Oh, my sister-whores in New Orleans are already planning to see you if you are travelling there and we bring better stuff than nachos! 🙂

  542. Very cute photo choice, but I think I prefer the one of you covered in cheeseburgers.

  544. When the booktour hits Austin, there should be a large, arranged gathering. Possibly in formal wear. With tiaras. Who’s in?

  545. That’s a slide? I love slides!

    Please come to Memphis, TN. We have great BBQ Nachos. Or just regular naschos if that’s what you prefer.

  549. Maybe I’m just weird, but I read the mug as “I love going up the down escalators” (I dunno, the little guy just looks like he’s headed up to me…and running up the down escalators is fun) before I saw it was supposed to be saying “I love slides.” Anyone else?

  550. So I just pre ordered my book.. this is big shit cause I don’t read. At all if I can help it. I must say I am getting kind of giddy just thinking about reading it! Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us!!

  551. Is the bookplate still only for Americans? Perhaps you could sell them in your shop for the rest of us who are geographically challenged.

  552. I discovered this morning that we don’t get your book in Canada until April 17th. I experienced much sadness. Mostly due to the fact that I was skimming your entries at 3am and saw images of your book and though MUST BUY TODAY without actually reading the part about March.

    Oops.

    But I will have it come April! Are you by chance going on a magical book signing tour including Canada? That would, in fact, be magical 😛

  553. I think the mug is an optimism test… Victor saw it as going down (okay, well he could be a bit pervy) and I saw it as going up. Which way does your escalator go? It’ll sell like hot cakes. And you already have your second book idea: Self Help by the bloggess–or, how to stop going down.

    And seriously. Ferris Mewler is so your cat. 3rd pic on the right says, “I’m The Bloggess’ Cat, bitches. Meow.”

  555. Hi there, I almost never post but I decided this was important.

    I filled out this form and pre-purchased the book but I never got my book plate. 🙁 Who do I beg for one?

  556. Today my three year old niece pushed a boy on the playground because he took her spot on the slide and I immediately thought of this post. I think I need to get her this for Christmas. Who cares if she is three? She loves slides and she can drink juice out of it.

  557. I was absolutely sure that little man was going up the down escalator… you know… going against the tide… doing his own thing… all totally Jenny…

  559. Hello there! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading through this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this.

    I will forward this write-up to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.
    Thanks for sharing!

  561. Having read this I believed it was very enlightening.

    I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this informative article
    together. I once again find myself spending way too much
    time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still
    worth it!

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