Dear Wil Wheaton: I believe this is relevant to your interests

in Random Crap

Almost a year ago today I asked Wil Wheaton for a picture of himself collating paper. Weeks later he realized that I was relatively harmless and acquiesced. And the internet rejoiced. Twenty two hours ago Wil Wheaton asked me for a very special picture of the infamous Juanita the Weasel in exchange for being my best friend for a whole day.

This, Wil Wheaton, is for you:

PS. I choose a sunny day in March and I’d like there to be ponies involved. Or monkey butlers. Either one. I’m not picky.

255 thoughts on “Dear Wil Wheaton: I believe this is relevant to your interests”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Monkey butlers ON ponies. Adorable and imagine the efficiency! On an unrelated note, in that image Juanita looks all like “wtf?! This strudel is ruined!” What? That’s not the impression you got?

  5. I’m admiring Juanita’s frock and triumphant scream of “KHAN!” Any response from Wil on this picture?!

    “He tasks me, and I shall have him…I’ll chase him round the Moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round perdition’s flames before I give him up!”

  11. I guess VD is as good as any to say I LOVE The Bloggess. In a purely non obsessive, non stalking kind of way of course.

  14. I am entirely in love and am currently trying to figure out how to make WIl Wheaton my best friend for one whole day.

  15. You know, it’s moment like this that I have to delurk and say GOD(S) BLESS THE INTERNETS. I mean, seriously, thank you for presenting me with an unholy trinity of everything I love. Jenny Lawson for President. I’d vote for you!

  17. A best friend’s duties should include tying a Nathan Fillion in twine and holding the light reflector while you take pictures. No pressure, Wil Wheaton.

  20. No word of a lie. I read this last night, a *teeny* bit of pee came out from the laughter that ensued.

    Today someone started at my work place called Juanita. I spent the entire day forcing myself not to ask her to pull a weasel face. Somehow, I feared out of context she may have thought I was insulting her…

  25. What do I need to do to become your BFF for a day? I am so jealous of your weasel and your friendship with Wil Wheaton. Could I get some small trinket? A wink? A nod? So that I might feel the slightest fraction of your greatness?

  28. This just made me very very happy. It’s not just the thought of The Bloggess and Will Wheaton coming in from a lovely pony ride to find the monkey butlers have prepared them a lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and Gin. I also now have birthday presents set for the year, because everyone I know WILL be getting those water bottles!

  30. I think this is Juanita’s response to having Ricardo Montalban walk into her kitchen asking, “Is that fajitas I smell?”

  34. I feel so much better about the fact that I allowed my dogs to be dressed up as Devo for Halloween.

    Seriously? YOU HAVE A TINY APRON. There is no wrong there.

  37. I currently have radish seeds taped to my ears, by my acupuncturists, to try to deal with daughter-induced stress. And I thought I was weird….

  38. Another Juanita pin for my BWAHAHAHAHA! board on Pinterest! A good day, indeed!

  42. So, so jealous. I offer my services to dress up as a monkey butler just to see this.
    Epic day will be epic.

  43. half past twelve in thenight here in Spain and I’m just sitting here alone on the sofa roaring with laughter and crying my eyes out. I feel so stupid and yet soo happy. Thanks 🙂

  44. half past twelve in the night here in Spain and I’m just sitting here alone on the sofa roaring with laughter and crying my eyes out. I feel so stupid and yet soo happy. Thanks 🙂

  45. Good lord. I’ve had a crush on Wil Wheaton since I was twelve. If I had only known he was into taxidermied weasels…

  47. Tweeted 15 minutes ago by @wilw Wil Wheaton
    «@TheBloggess .@wilw: I believe this is relevant to your interests: thebloggess.com/2012/02/dear-w…» I LOVE YOU.

  50. This is awesome! I love Juanita and it is so cool that Will Wheaton asked you for a pic of her & you get a day as BFFs!!!

  51. Is it weird that I’m a fan of your various taxidermied vermin, but still staunchly against having ginormo dead deer heads (OMG THE EYES) hanging all over my house? Bueller?

  52. Ponies, monkey butlers for you and also for Beyonce and Juanita because everyone should have their own pony & butler so there’s no fighting.

  54. Wow, what a great day for you. You are lucky to have Wil Wheaton in your life. I would like Tina Fey in mine. I reached out to her today. Here’s hoping I have some of your luck!

    Love ya!

  55. Excellent! This is exactly what the internet was invented for. Now if only I could get one with Juanita yelling “PATINKIN!!!” because Mandy Patinkin is MY arch nemesis. But then I suppose if you said yes to one special request then people would come out of the woodwork naming their arch-nemeses and it would be pandemonium.

  57. As a huge thank you for salvaging what has turned out to be a craptastic valentines day… I would like to make Juanita a starfleet uniform! Take her measurements and I will gladly whip one up as a thank you for making me laugh so hard I may have ruptured my spleen.

  59. This is the Valentine’s Day to beat all. From now forth, I propose we call it Juanita Day. I am Furiously Happy over this!

  60. Was this before or after you threw him over for Simon Peg? If it was before, he may retract it and if it was after it may just be a desperate attempt on Wil’s part to keep your undivided devotion. 🙂

  62. This is awesome! You and WIl are adorable. If he agrees to a best friend day with ponies, I have two you can use.

  64. I just remembered, I have a label maker!! Problem solved and new water bottle will be ordered shortly.
    (As an aside, I thought you might like to know I accepted your twitter proposal this morning. No backsies!)

  66. I agree Caro – this is the best Valentine’s Day ever thanks to Jenny, Will Wheaton, and Juanita.

    PS. The monkey butler must be wearing a fez

  67. Shoot! I forgot to gag myself before reading. I awoke the boys again. I’ll probably laugh in my sleep and wake the hubby several more times tonight :p KAAAAAAAAAHNN! FOR THE WIN!

  68. Wil Wheaton is a fucking hero… I’m so glad I didn’t waste my first human crush on an asshole. First non-human crush? Gambit from the X-Men comics, mon amis…

  72. I’ve been waiting patiently since @wilw tweeted his request.
    I am not disappointed!!! Thanks again, Jenny!!

  74. I love your brain. I know that it sometimes makes you sad and I’m sorry for those times, but I LOVE when it gets all happy and.. ya know, Juanita-y. Thank you!

  84. Best Valentine’s Gift. Ever. (but could someone explain the word reference, I don’t know what it refers to…..)
    and I swear, the comments make me SO HAPPY TOO.

  87. Oh, you know Young Wil is watching if he knows of Juanita already!
    That alone should get your motor running. I’d love to have a celebrity stalking my blog, but then again, anyone stalking my blog makes me happy, weasel or not.

    WG

  89. NACHOS…don’t forget the friggin NACHOS women! Always hold out for nachos.

    Yes that is in my manifesto!!! “Always hold out for good nachos”

  99. This makes me Furiously Happy. I love you and Wil Wheaton so much, there’s a whole holiday for the love I feel! Thank you Mr. Valentine.

  100. I have been inspired to join twitter just to follow the day of best friends. IF monkey butlers are available, can I be the official Dat of Best Friend twitterest?

  111. I’m getting more a Marlon Brando, STELLLLAAAAAAA feel from Stanley, I mean, Juanita. I’m disregarding the fact that she is wearing a yellow apron which is not something Stanley would wear, but whatever.

  112. You and Wil Wheaton are the best people. And now you have something that should totally prove to Victor that Juanita IS SOLID GOLD. Or worth her weight in gold. One of the two. I mean, yeah he’s your husband, but has he ever gotten you a best friends date with Wil Wheaton that will probably have ponies and/or monkey butlers with ice cream sundaes? I’m guessing on the ice cream sundaes, but I think it’s safe to assume that Wil Wheaton would not be such a dick as to withhold ice cream on a sunny day with ponies. Because who the fuck does that? Evil people who don’t get how awesome ice cream is, that’s who. And that’s not you or Juanita or Wil Wheaton. And probably not Victor, although if he’s still upset about Juanita he might just keep the ice cream to himself to punish you. Damn Victor, why you gotta be so harsh?

  113. Oh MAN! Why didn’t I think of that! Curse you Wil Wheaton! You are now back on my list of mortal enemies! OK, so now that it is back to being all about me, a non-famous female from Canada ( I mean what’s not to like about that, right?), I would like to request: (1) A picture of Juanita yelling ” STELLAAAAAAA” and (2) A picture of Juanita yelling at one of your male figures ” You ARE the father!!” (or alternatively, dress Juanita in male clothes and have someone be yelling that to her) Thank-you! 🙂

  114. WTF Rebeccah are you my evil twin or am I yours? I swear I did not see your comment! Oh well, I am hopefully original as KFC with my ” You ARE the father!” lol!

  115. Please send me Juanita’s size and I will totally see her a Star Trek shirt. That would be EPIC!!

  116. Now all I can think about is Ricardo Montablan. I think Juanita needs a little dark suit, ala Tatoo, and the caption should instead read “Da Plane, Da Plane.”

  117. Holy crap I swear I saw a monkey butler at Stein Mart yesterday and thought, “the Blogess needs that.”

  118. That is beyond awesome! Am I the only one that noticed that you kept the 1 at the end of the exclamation points from Mr. Wheaton’s original tweet? You get bonus points for that! LOL! 😀

  120. OMG, Houston, TX is a whole month ahead of the rest of the world. Here in MD, it is still February (Valentine’s Day in fact) not March.

  127. No lie, I was watching Star Trek when I read this.

    That picture is the best thing in the history of the Interwebs.

  129. I really didn’t want to comment today. Mainly because I’m becoming a comment stalker, but it’s your fault. You’re so freaking funny and I can’t stop myself.
    So now you can add benevolence to your list of attributes because this gift to Wil Wheaton is nothing if not benevolent.

  131. My ponies have many great qualities, and I submit them for your consideration. If you and Wil Wheaton will show up at my house, I will gladly provide the ponies for your Best Friend Day.

    (You’ll have yo bring your own monkeys and do all the butler training, and I can’t promise that the ponies won’t love them to death. It’s hard enough keeping adult-sized humans intact in the face of tremendous pony love.)

  141. I read about this post via your social media stream. My Husband read about this post via Wil Wheaton’s social media stream. Juanita is clearly a social media miracle worker (not quite on the same level as James Garfield but who is?)

  143. Can we get a Big Bang Theory cross over here, with a poster of Juanita/Khhhaaaaannnnn!!! in the background?
    I can’t stop giggling even just thinking about it…
    Sheldon vs. Wil Wheaton confrontation with the poster in the background AWESOME!!!!

  147. Just so you’re aware, this is going to be my new Facebook icon for a while. Thanks for the pick-me-up I needed today! <3

  148. 12 hours ago Jenny+Juanita officially changed my life forever…this added dash of WW tells me it was meant to be!

    Back to the life changing bit. Jenny, with all sincerity I want to say you are by far one of the fucking funniest beings that have walked this rock and to thank you for sharing that with us. Today, you pulled another giant metal rooster and gave us Juanity and her motherfuckin souffle…my stomach muscles tried to convince me to curse you today…they couldn’t take the laughter abuse!!

    Still didn’t get to the whole life changing thing, let me try again. After meetng Juanita today I was pushed headlong towards a coming to jesus moment, and this jesus is a possum. Yep. Possum. I now NEED a lovely age defying possum in my life. The hunt is already on, my possum, she is already out there waiting for me, I just need to find her. She already has a suitcase and assorted sundries.

    I have been searching for direction and purpose (and a project for my 365 Creativity Journal – the sonofawhore book has been throwing a guilt trip on me worthy of my mother) and then viola, it comes wrapped in fur and wit and wearing an apron. There is a possum out there with a secret life that I am meant to discover. I need her and she will be good enough to let me think that she needs me. I can’t wait for the journey/obsession to begin!

    Again, I thank you! (As will my possum…once I locate her!)

  149. You need to go to the Safari Club in Estacad Oregon. They have all sorts of taxidermy animals on display. http://www.legendarysafariclub.com/index-1.html
    This blog has some good pictures http://vintageroadtrip.blogspot.com/2009/01/vintage-roadside-visits-safari-club.html

    You may be able to get this trip covered by your publisher if you do an appearance at Powells books in Portland. Their downtown store takes up an entire city block and is several stories. While you are in portland, you should also go to voodoo doughnuts. They have a doughnut shaped like a pair of balls and a penis. They also have other great doughnuts.

  153. Drats, I almost fogot the best part of my future possum plan…there will be a TARDIS involved!!

  154. It’s like you and Wil Wheaton are in some kind of perfect feedback loop of nerd hilarity. PLEASE DO NOT STOP NOT EVEN IF IT PUTS THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN JEOPARDY.

  155. Juanita’s wee paws look cold – if you send me her measurements I can make her some mittens and a hat.

  156. And to top it off, I think I saw Will Wheaton actually post a Tweet to @simonpegg last night during the #simonpeggholdingtwine lovefest. Did he ever actually post a picture of himself holding twine?

  160. I’ve wanted to comment for some time, and as someone declared their valentine love for you above, I shall do so too. My ex–husband claims that I’m stalking you, and I just say that you’re my internet-best-friend-who-isn’t-actually-aware-of-my-existence. THOSE ARE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS, right?

  163. Has there been any response from William Shatner yet?

    I can’t remember if he’s still blocking you on Twitter. If he is – more fool him.

  169. What about ponies being ridden BY monkey butlers? Because that would be truly magical. I, sadly, am allergic to horses. So much so that when we took bratchild to Medeival Times, I almost died. which is okay as I didn’t enjoy the experience since they won’t give you utensils so I had to make J steal some from the mall food court.

  174. Would love to be your best friend for a day!
    What a bucket full of laughs that would be!

  177. I hope you see this comment. I was reading this cool article about Doctor Who and something at the very end caught my eye and it just screams out for you!!

    http://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia/2012/02/doctor-whos-day-roundup-to-boldly-go-where-no-doctor-has-gone-before/

    “And let’s end with something a little exciting. BBC America is looking for a few good Whovians in the Austin, Texas and New York City areas for “a series of short documentary pieces about a few extraordinary Doctor Who fans. Ideally these Whovians should have an interesting job/life/handcrafted TARDIS and be willing to be filmed for a day or so.”

    If you fit the bill or know someone who does, email DoctorWhoDoc@gmail.com.

    Imagine the phone you could have with Beyonce, the TARDIS, Juanita and friends and a camera crew from BBCA!!!

  181. Do you suppose Wil Wheaton cares that that was a Start Trek movie from before he was born and he was on Star Trek: The Next Generation? Cute, but you’re mixing metaphors there Jenny.

  182. You and Wil should be declared King and Queen of the Internet. Oops. Queen and King. Or whichever way you two would prefer it, really.

  187. Best damn thing that has happened to me today (and, I’m not going to lie, I ate like two cupcakes for breakfast.)

    I knew there was a reason why I loved Wil Wheaton. I also love Nathon Fillion and I don’t know what that dude won’t pony up with the twine. WTF Fillion?

  190. For Simon Pegg she needs some torn up bloody clothes holding a cricket mallet! That way she can be an evil zombie weasel bent on the zombie apocalypse.

  192. True story: My best friend once referenced wanting a monkey butler to someone on an internet dating site, resulting in that person believing ‘monkey butler’ to be some sort of racial slur.

  196. To tell you the truth, that was the first reaction I had when I first saw her. She needed a Khan reference. I thank Wil Wheaton for making my dream a reality. 🙂 And Jenny, of course.

  199. I’ve never understood what people’s problem with Wesley-Ann Crusher was. I think that’s the name. I spent the last half of the 80’s huffing Testors model cement and raging against authority in my suburban white boy stance so I may have spilled some Poltergeist in my TSG.

  201. ahhhsommme…
    But if you ever do a TBBT Sheldon/Wil version, then might I suggest

    WHEEEEEEEEATOOOOOOON!

  203. I can’t get enough of this. Thank you, Wil Wheaton for requesting this. She looks so fed up and frustrated! 🙂

  204. OH HONEY—- GO WITH THE PONIES!!!

    White ones. With Hello Kitty saddles, and Star Trek bridles. And braided manes and tails.

  205. I am trying to imagine what the inside of your house looks like with the haunted dollhouse and all of your taxidermy and I have to wonder if Victor is freaked out by your awesome decorating talents.

    Coincidentally (not) I bought a dollhouse kit in December, but when I opened it, I realized that the obstructions scared me. Maybe I should just hide under my table until your book arrives?

  208. Jenny, I think you and Wil are the two most awesome people I follow on a day to day basis (or whenever there are new posts!!) It just makes sense in my head that you two should be friends, always. 😀

  209. I have been in love with Wil Wheaton since high school when I’d do my math homework while watching Star Trek.
    Having just seen that Wil has professed to love you, I fear I must declare you my bitter enemy.
    I’ll fight you for him.
    Thumb war? You don’t have abnormally large thumbs, do you?

  211. Jenny, I just read your entire blog FROM THE BEGINING.
    It took me two weeks.
    I thought there would be more of a prize when I got to the end.

  214. You should try and get a pic of Wil Wheaton collating paper & Simon Pegg holding twine TOGETHER with Juanita in the middle of them like they are her two lovers showing off to her.

    Just a suggestion.

    I want to be you when I grow up btw…if that ever happens.

  215. You know that part in Love, Actually where what’s his name is trying to find his girlfriend in Spain or whatever, but he doesn’t speak the language and everyone starts following him around? You were totally like what’s his name. You know. Mr. Darcy.

  216. And THIS is why Nathan Fillion will never be able to hold a candle to Wil Wheaton. Although I’d pay real money to see Nathan and Wil holding candles. To each other.

    Wil and Jenny totally rock the awesome!

  218. I love that you now have famous people in on your crazy. Like, you wrote “Dear Wil Wheaton: I believe this is relevant to your interests” and it was true. Lot like how I write frequent missives to famous people with the knowledge that they will never get it.

  223. Oh, my stars! This made my day! I am trying to decide what the best way will be to incorporate this into my daily life. I cannot decide if it is a large tattoo on my back or cell phone wallpaper. Either way, this picture should be included in Websters under AWESOME!

  224. Ferrets and ponies are natural enemies.

    You might want to reconsider the date with Wil.

    That or get a small Hannibal Lecter-type mask for Juanita to wear, which should of course match her frock.

    The pony would only need a hat with a flower in it, and maybe stovepipes on his legs just in case Juanita slips out of her party mask and has blood lust.

  226. I now have an overwhelming urge to scour the Internet and all things that are ‘WTF’-ville for taxidermed rodents for you to dress and create still-life’s with! I need more of this to make it thru my mundane days at work….’This mother fucking souffle is burned’ picture made me choke on coffee yesterday!

  227. I know you probably don’t read all of these, but I just stumbled along your blog and I love it. PLUS you’re a TEXAN, AND you’re a whovian. Holy crap…new favorite blog ever.

  230. Nathan Fillion commented @simonpegg; maybe Simon Pegg can be recruited to assist in the push to get Nathan Fillion to pose with twine? a kind of twine-holders-peer pressure?

  232. Call me weird, but I don’t know who Wil Wheaton is. I think I may have looked him up once but then promptly forgot. My brain is like a sieve, or a goldfish cos they have 3 second memories. I blame the Imipramine. (Now THAT’S a $%^$%^ scary drug. I Wikipedia-ed it and they go ‘Potentially fatal side effects listed in bold type’. There’s like nine ways this drug can kill you. Even cats with their 9 lives would be screwed. Huh.

    Oooh — before I got sidetracked (again, proving my point—-OH SOMETHING SHINY)

    *back*

    Yeah. When I read ‘Wil Wheaton’ I just think ‘Joss Whedon’. Which just makes me think of vampires. Now I want to watch Buffy, drool over Spike and David Boreanaz…….

  233. If one Juanita photograph is worth a day of being BFF with Wil Wheaton…that weasel has paid for itself three times over. Congratulations. 🙂

  241. You should totally tweet at Wil Wheaton to get him to use his influence on Nathan Fillion to send you a picture!They were on The Nerdist: Year in Review on New Year’s Eve, so maybe Wil, who is/will be your best friend on a sunny day in March, can convince Mr. Nathan Fillion (who is on *my* desert island, but I will overlook it just this once) to send you a picture of himself cavorting and gamboling about with twine.

    I would so pay money to see that.
    Speaking of paying money, I just pre-ordered your book (and filled out a form for a bookplate). Because You. Are. AWESOME.

  245. @Lynzee- So. Freakin’. AWESOME!
    @Josh Richards- I’m replacing the cover on my DVD. (My husband says it’s disturbing. I can’t wait until he finds our new copy.)
    @Alana (my little friend)- I laughed so hard I almost had an asthma attack. My husband refuses to laugh; he says its “so wrong”. My husband is obviously wrong. And a jackass.

  246. OMG! You should put Juanita with the snake/mongoose. Give the mongoose a sword and little robin hood hat and shirt. It would be so romantic! 😀

    Thank you for making me laugh. (You can peek at what I did by going to my website…)

  250. I just came across this, and felt morally obligated to share it with you… (proper opossum massage. just watch it. really.)

  251. KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN

    or my favorite

    ‘ I CAN’T CANCEL MY PREMIUMS THAT MEANS I LIVE LIKE AN ANIMAL”

  252. I saw a pinterest image of Juanita with a caption CLEAN ALL THE THINGS and It was SOOOO me (to my children) that I just have to get a magnet or something of that. Did someone else create that image because I didnt see it on your blog though I may have missed it. If you make one for me, I will buy your book! 🙂 OK truth be told I’ve been planning to anyway but it will remind me to go do it soon! – You crack me up!!!

  255. Wil Wheaton’s parents are my parent’s neighbors. They called the cops on my friends and me when I was in high school. My parents were out of town and so I had my friends over for an outdoor barbecue in our backyard fire pit. The fire department and cops showed up wanting to talk to my parents since they were told I had lit my backyard on fire. Instead, I had them talk to my friend’s dad, who is a lawyer. He assured them that we were under control and just having some s’mores. Needless to say, I am not a rebel at all, but the experience made me feel pretty bad A.

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