And then all of my fingers fell off

in I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

A few weeks ago I announced that I was signing 5,000 bookplates to go out for free to people who preorder my book – and who don’t live outside of the US, and who don’t have a PO box, and who aren’t left-handed dentists. (I may have made up that last one.)

Yesterday I finally finished and then all of my fingers fell off. But it was hugely relieving to be done and I decided to celebrate the accomplishment with a photo, which then became a three-part-series.

1. Me, after signing the 5,000th bookplate and then playing Jenga with them.

2. Me, after Victor pointed out that I’d missed a big box of bookplates and had at least 1,000 more to sign.

3. Me, innocently plotting Victors’ painful demise right after he told me that he was just fucking with me.

There are still a couple hundred signed bookplates that haven’t been spoken for so if you preorder a book make sure you go over here and fill out your info before they’re all gone.

Also, if you’re Canadian, there’s at least one Canadian-based contest going on right now.  I’ll keep you posted on other stuff as it comes around.

A very special thank you to everyone who has bought or is planning to buy, borrow or steal my book.  I owe you a drink.  And a huge shout out to Doctor Who and The Guild, who made this long, strange ordeal distractingly awesome.

And now I will never sign my name again.  Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat faces.  Get ready for the book tour, y’all.  There’s gonna be a lot of kitty faces and confused autograph-seekers.  Or possibly just me sitting alone while the bookstore cashiers look at me with pity and/or disgust.  That’s a possibility too.

364 thoughts on “And then all of my fingers fell off”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. I totally misread the line about never signing your name again and thought you were going to sign by drawing pictures of cat feces. I wondered how cat feces is different than other feces…then my brain turned on…

    Love you!
    Marci

  8. So what are you going to do with your fallen-off fingers? Stuff them and raffle them off?? Did you have to tape them on for the extra 1,000 bookplates??? So many questions.

    With or without duct tape on them, I’m sure they’d fetch some major bucks on E-Bay.

  9. If you never sign anything ever again…my bookplate will be SO VALUABLE. I could probably sell it on Pawn Stars for big money. Not that I would. But I totally could. So please stop signing things.

  11. I am the lucky owner of an ARC of your book. I haven’t stopped smiling and nodding my head through the entire thing. THANK YOU for writing this, and for being you, and making everything a little more awesome. (My husband would like you to tell Victor that he understands, and if he’s ever in Texas, he’d like to buy Victor a drink or seven. I told him whatever, as long as he brings me back a metal chicken and a big cow skull.)

  13. Yeah, right…like no one is gonna show up…PFFFTTT…YOU ARE THE SHIT! Also…I get one, so from one ex-PNN blogger to another… thanks for everything, Jennypoopers. If you have one left, you should sign it “Jennypoopers” for me. Kthanksloveyoubye. Love, CARM

  16. Seriously, change the litter already! Fingerless woman hands can still form scoops!

  17. Woot! Good job Jenny! BTW – can you go through the stack, find mine, and then sign it with the kitty face instead of your signature? I’d appreciate it. (just kidding)

  18. I second Char James-Tanny’s comment! come to the boston area!oh and Congrats on having your fingers fall off, i’m sure everyone appreciates that. Don’t you all! 🙂

  19. More likely you’ll be passing kitteh face autographs under the bathroom door of teh bookstores to hordes of adoring crazy fuckers 😀

  20. You think you had it bad with 5,000 bookplates? John Green pre-signed all 150000 copies in the first print run of his novel, The Fault in Our Stars. And he vlogged some of it, including his signing psychosis: http://youtu.be/PlX3fGUbzv8

    I don’t forsee the whole sitting alone in bookstore thing happening. You’ll pull big crowds! I know you will in Houston, anyway. PLEASE come to Houston!

  24. Just bring Ferris Mewler with you to book signings. Most everyone would take a pawprint from him to help keep your hands in place.

  25. I totally read that as “cat feces.”

    Because I love you, even though I ordered through Amazon on the very first day, I didn’t sign up for one.

  26. WOW! How is the RA holding up? I bet your hands hurt!

    You need to buy a stamp… just saying 🙂

    <3

  27. please please please come to Indy on your book tour. We’re not very stabby at all here now that the Super Bowl is over.

  30. If you come by Pittsburgh, I will feed you food and alcohol and let you hide in my bathroom (well, part of the time. We live in a one bedroom house, so we’ll need it occasionally. Then you can hide in the basement? It has a TV with cable and a computer with high-speed internet, so that’s probably more fun than the bathroom)

  32. Canadians always get the short end of the stick…. Are you at least planning on bringing your book tour to Vancouver? Cuz I’m sure there are a lot of awesome people here who would like to meet you.

  34. Jenny, when you come within 500 miles of my home, I will bring my copy of the book and my pre-signed bookplate to see you. We can use it as a coaster for our margaritas while we each nachos and you draw cat pictures in people’s books. Good times.

  35. That’s a lovely dress! Also, that is a pretty intense pile of signed bookplates. It must be crazy and awesome to know that that many people love you in one country alone!

  37. Please, please, PLEASE come to Raleigh, North Carolina in your travels! You will LOVE our southern hospitality, and, of course, your fans! 🙂

    Way to go on the book plates. Waiting for payday to pre-order mine. Was going to do it via e-book, but I think I’d rather actually turn the pages of this one! 🙂

  38. My daughter signs her name including a cat drawing (or two or three).

    Canada is even allowing the cat-enhanced signature to be on her passport!

  41. Yeah, if we bought the Kindle addition can we still get a bookplate? I will totally put it on the back of my Kindle!

    (I don’t think they were ever specific on that one but my thought is that if you plan on sticking it on your kindle you probably deserve a bookplate. ~ Jenny)

  43. Would you consider sending one to Canada if provided with a self-addressed stamped envelope? To be thwarted by a border is mind-bogglingly frustrating…

  45. Oh Victor, I do believe my cat is involved with plotting your demise.

    I also want a book plate with a cat face, is that possible? **off to preorder**

  46. You could practise penmanship with your daughter and teach her the fine art of (forgery) cursive writing. Also please relay this message:
    Victor, Canadians everywhere, or possibly just me, think you’re the funniest thing since Beyonce.

  50. I used to work in a bookstore, and whenever we had a book signing go bad, we would take turns taking off our name tags and pretending to be an interested customer so the author would have somebody to talk to. Booksellers are totally compassionate like that.

  51. When I use the self-checkout at the grocery store, I draw pictures. Sometimes of what I’m buying, sometimes of the whether, occasionally obscene. Fine, usually obscene. I wonder, and actually hope, the grocery store has some electronic depository of all the penises and breasts I’ve drawn.

  52. I totally read this as “I’m just drawing pictures of cat feces” and thought was an odd thing to draw on books, but to each their own.

  53. Come to The Woodlands, Texas, pleaseplease! Or anywhere in the northern part of Houston. I’ll bring my Bloggess-loving posse to come accost you for your cat face autograph. I’ll even make you cookies, because you’re just that awesome.

  55. Hey…We’re practically neighbors, you should DEFINITELY stop by little ole’ Monroe Louisiana.. We’ve got a GREAT books-a-million…..That’s not exactly in the Ghetto anymore….You might want to bring Martin Van Buren…Just sayin’. ANYHOW! Come to Monroe LA! Please? Pretty Please? I’ll make you a cake…Or, better yet, I’ll buy you a cake..my cakes aren’t very good…. and this is why I don’t leave comments on here.. Because I ramble… But, if you come I really will bring you cake…

  56. Maybe it’s just me BUT… I bet a ton more people would pre-order the book if you announced that a random 10 people would receive not only a signed bookplate but ALSO one severely over-used, quite creative, although slightly bloody, finger. I mean heck, you’re obviously not gonna use them anymore, might as well put them to good use……………

    (not sure how the postal service feels about mailing severed digits but I’d guess a few might get through without being caught.. which would make it even more rare)

  57. Can’t wait for my book (happily pre-ordered!) to come!

    Hoping, hoping, hoping, that you’re going to make it out to sunny Northern CA for your book tour. I will love your kitty faces and I will provide homemade delicious baked goods, should your energy or spirits be sagging!

  60. Your book is totally going on my “things I want for graduation” list. That and the dress you are wearing in your pics. I LOVE it!

  61. Ooh, I like the idea of the Ferris Mewler paw print. Can we make that happen? I think my cat has a crush on him.

    I pre-ordered the Kindle version…will you sign Kindles on your book tour? If not I need a plan…

  64. Well worth the effort, I’m sure! You’ll have at least 5,000 really chuffed fans and probably another 8,000 feeling like worthless lame asses for being too late ordering the book (like me).
    Love the photos!

  65. oh gawd. my visual tourettes kicked in and I read “cat feces” and I thought, okay…that’s our Bloggess…she likes the odd. I was very happy when I re-read it though and realised it said “cat FACES.” so much more pleasant than drawings of cat feces.

  66. I understand this is your plot to make even people who already got the autograph to come back for the cat faces.

  67. Just thinking about signing my name that many times makes my stomach hurt. I can’t even address baby shower invitations because I hate it so bad. Good job on getting finished and please consider Charleston for your book tour – old, haunted, weird and beautiful…you’d love it!

  68. No fingers? No worries. I’ve made it all this time with just five.

    And besides, you have all those mouse and wolf and ferret fingers.

    All perfect for typing and shredding evil doers.

    Or just the pot roast.

    Note: while your hand is curled in an autographed-caused maw, slide a wine glass in there and do tax deductible liquid therapy.

  70. I see I’m not the only one who read the last paragraph like this:

    “And now I will never sign my name again. Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat feces. Get ready for the book tour, y’all. There’s gonna be a lot of kitty feces and confused autograph-seekers. Or possibly just me sitting alone while the bookstore cashiers look at me with pity and/or disgust. That’s a possibility too. ”

    It really does wok so much better with feces instead of faces.

  71. My home is available still for a book signing. I’m working up several nachos recipes. Also, my work is affiliated with Wake Forest University. It’s a college and a medical school. Opportunities for research, book signings and taxidermy?

  72. Victor has to carry all the bookplates while you’re on tour, right? Crossing fingers DC is on the tour, since I’m pretty sure my “suburb” of Frederick, MD isn’t.

  73. Yes please. Keep torturing the poor non-US citicens who pre-ordered your book with all the bookmarks that are not spoken for yet. Like it doesn’t suck enough to be stuck in Germany …

    On a random note: I’m soooo looking forward to that book. Can hardly wait 🙂

  74. Is there any way you are coming to Canada for any book signings? Calgary is nearish to me, and you know how you’ve always wanted to meet me. Alberta is like Texas, except colder.

  75. Victor totally has it coming for that.

    Are there photos in the book? I’m just wondering if we miss anything by getting the audio book?

  76. Kudos to you for hand-signing every one, when so many other writers just rubber-stamp that shit!

    Oh wait, I think you mentioned using the rubber stamp in the future…

    …um, er…. nevermind… <3

  77. I wanna know where you book tour will be going. Probably no where near the toothless inbred society I live in, but I can dream of politely stalking you in a Dalek Dress from afar!

  78. BOSTON.BOSTON.BOSTON – would be WICKED AWESOME!! 😉

    (I went to the form to sign up for a bookplate for my Kindle after reading your response to comment #41, because of COURSE I’d stick it on my Kindle! and discovered I preordered way back in November – aren’t I cool?? 😉 )

  80. Already have my signed bookplate spoken for, but if you do any signings in L.A., rest assured I will be there waiting expectantly for my kitty face, too.

    That sounds weird.

  82. Congrats on all the signing!!

    It seems like there should be no question about, since you’re so close, but please, please, please, make sure you come to Houston as part of the book tour.

    Awesome, thanks.

  84. as one of the people who pre-ordered your book i thank you for your sacrifice….i suppose if your fingers cannot be reattached you can have Victor’s Robocelots build other robots like those creepy triplets in those weird ass Kayak commercials…

  85. Jenga! Jenga!

    Wonder what “reasons” you are going to need to make up to watch more Dr Who.

    Congrats on the ridiculous amount of work you just did so we can have your signature. On a book that we (happily) paid for. Then it’s our book, right? So we should sign it. Did you leave room for us?

  86. Is a PO box the same as a CMR Box? My husband is military and we live overseas. HA! Look at that, two no no’s in one question, NOT in the US… AND in a box. However……. I promise I am NOT a complete moron. The address is considered a US mailbox, and its not an actual PO box that we pay for, its US government assigned. So I feel safe in asking this question as I have pre-ordered a book the same day that I found your blog, and would love your signature pre-kitty-face. (though if you come to Germany I’ll stand in line for a kitty face as well) Thanks!

  87. Come to Knoxville, TN – Cuz I would totally be happy with a Kitty Face Autograph!!!!!!!

  88. Probably not very likely… But I don’t suppose your book tour will take you to London? UK that is…
    If it does, there’s always a space under our desk/in our bathroom for you to crawl under/hide in.
    Book pre ordered. Wonder when we’ll get it over here.

  89. That rocks, well, not the part about your fingers falling off, make sure you hide them so the zombies don’t find them. The part that rocks it that you are done and I totally can’t wait for the book and my bookplate! And stop by Knoxville, TN on your book tour, no one ever stops here on book tours(really, people in Tennessee can read, I promise), you could be the first, wouldn’t that be awesome!

  90. Please come to Philly, PA! Despite being the setting for many great historical events, I’m pretty sure nothing as awesome as a Jenny Lawson booksigning has ever happened here.

  91. when i saw the small post of this, I thought the pics of you were fake fingernails with catholic saints on them.

  95. OH my goodness – I don’t think I could sign my name that many times.. or write ANYTHING that many times. I love the expression on your face in photo #3.. I think Victor should run far far away

  96. Ahhhhahahaha, I preordered. Now you MUST sign again. although, I don’t knnow how you’d do it without your fingers. Maybe your toes?

    Can i have toe prints instead?

  97. <——————— originally planned to steal the book until you offered bookplates. Then I immediately went to amazon.com and purchased your book and one on Near Death Experiences (figured they probably went together)

  98. –> I get a hand cramp addressing 50 Christmas cards which is why this year I exported them to a spreadsheet and printed them on labels.

  100. If (when) you come to the Minneapolis area (probably cuz you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque – Bugs Bunny reference, ya’ll), I will be in line to see you and adore you and get you to sign kitteh faces on things. Maybe even your book. If I must I will camp out in front of the book signing place, me, my Diet Pepsi and Cap’n Morgan.

  101. Hope you are coming to Philly or NYC!!! You are definitely worth a trip to Penn Station, and the $30 train ticket, and all of the antibacterial hand soap I will use walking through Penn Station.

  102. I just ordered your book the other day… I’m so excited I COULD PEE. And I don’t mean out of necessisty. I’m talking out of EXCITEMENT. Like a puppy. But far more unacceptable.

  103. I preordered the Kindle edition but have just asked for a bookplate anyway. I’ll paste it inside my Kindle Cover!

  104. You know, one of these books is going to show on Antiques Roadshow a hundred years from now and be worth a boatload of money because you signed it by hand.
    I think you should go out and buy some new towels to punish Victor for being mean. 🙂 You need them anyway cuz guests will be holding a concert in your bathroom. Two birds with one stone!

  106. I hope you come to Portland Maine. Or at least Boston. Will you really be signing books or do we get to bring the book along with little airplane bottles of vodka into the ladies room to hang with you a while? Please say it is the second option!

  107. If you come as close as Seattle, I will cross the border and then stealthily kidnap you, stuff you in my suitcase and bring you to Canada. Not in a weird stalkerish way but in an I-love-you-and-want-to-keep-you-way.

  108. I just submitted my bookplate request. I pre-ordered the e-book, so now I’m thinking that I need to stick it to the device itself.

    Can’t wait!

  110. Come to Albuquerque! I’d sit with you in case no one else shows. And maybe make a margarita run. Although the idea of no one showing is an impossibility since I would have to bring at least 3 of my closest girlfriends. Or my husband, by an ear. 😀

  111. If you come to the Detroit Metro area I’ll come sit with you so you wont be all alone! Well at least till my toddler waddles off and starts eating the self help books. 🙂 Then I’ll hide under the table and pretend I don’t know him. 😉

  112. As a reader who preordered your book, I graciously thank you for your time and effort. The signed bookplate is going to make the reading experience even more awesome.
    PS — Hope your fingers grow back.

  116. You’re one of the only women I know who can wear strapless & look damn good while doing it. Bitch.

    And please come to Wisconsin. Please. I’ll take you on a super secret mission to the flea market/crazy statue place known as M Schettl Sales. They take teh crazy to a whole ‘nother level.

  117. I’m not saying this to be weird or anything, but you’re really pretty! I was reading the Red Dress entry yesterday and we all fight our demons, but I just wanted to tell you you’re beautiful. 🙂

  118. I would buy a book but I have a severe condition where my head literally explodes if I read more than 500 words at a time. That is why I’m now doing political cartoons on my blog and taking doors off cars even though I don’t know how.

  119. Cute dress. Does this mean if I moved to Texas, I’d be able to wear my cute dresses year round? I mean, I suppose I could wear them year round here, but I’d probably die of hypothermia. And I don’t even want to think about what my parents would write in my obit if that happened. So yeah, Texas … don’t you have giant spiders there? And rattlers. Of course, we have wolf spiders. And cottonmouths, so it’s not like I’m completely unused to such things. But it’s really only a concern if I venture out into nature … which I make it a point not to do.

  120. You should just put on a ton of red lipstick and kiss the book’s endpages instead of signing them. Or just use the lipstick itself to make your mark. But not gloss, because that shit is too goopy.

  121. I seriously hope that you make a trip to Seattle on your book tour. My husband and I will definitely be there. BTW…I’ve never seen Dr Who (sacriliege, I know) but I got the biggest smile just now when you referenced The Guild. My hubby and I are huge Guild-ees. If I didn’t already love you, that would have made me devoted for life. 😉

  122. I want to buy your book but the fact that you have to have a book PLATE with it means it requires some sort of feeding and I’m not sure what books eat so I’d probably have to read up on it and now this just sounds like way too much work and responsibility for a guy who has already burned through 3 hamsters.

  123. I think the bookplates could be constructed into a wonderful fort for Hamlet von Schnitzel. So he can, you know, lament about shit and talk to his father’s ghost. Or something…

    The End

  124. If you come to Wichita, KS I’ll be in line even if I’m the only one standing there while everyone stares at me lik who the fuck does she think she is waiting on! Why? Because I love you and you make my days brighter!

  125. “Please come to Boston in the spring time….” Oh wait, that’s a song. Never mind. You must be coming to NY. Maybe I’ll see you then. Should I bring an extra xanax for you? or for me for the crowds? Maybe both. love, Laurie F.

  126. I’ll be patiently waiting for mine outside of my Polish PO Box while holding a fluoride treatment in my left hand.
    I kid. Never hold a fluoride treatment in your left hand, especially in Poland. I learned that in beauty school.

  127. HEY, if you end up in the Washington DC/Northern Virginia area, PLEASE come sign at my used book store! Hrrrmmm…that does sound odd, to sign a new book in a used book store…But authors have done it before.
    Oh, and I can’t wait to see my bookplate. I hope it is one of the ones towards the end, where it’s getting really scrawl-y and illegible and *maybe* even a drop or two of blood on it. Then I would really have something to brag about to my friends!

  129. I imagine your book signing will have lines around the corner and not one person is going to want to leave for fear of missing something great and hilarious you will say or do or bring. Sadly, I will have to wait until it is printed in paperback as I am very limited with my income. But hey if I win the lottery lol I will purchase many and give out as gifts. You are truely an awesome person. Thank you and your friends here for the many, many laughs given.

  130. as one of those people who pre-ordered and signed up for a book plate – thank you thank you thank you! Free hand massages are always on the table for you 😀

  131. What about Canadians living abroad? Living abroad and being a broad. By the way, you should write an entry about the lack of using terms like ‘broad’ and ‘dame’ for women these days. Partly because it would be an insightful entry and partly because it would amuse me greatly.

  133. I do hope you come to Massachusetts because I know a lot of people who’d love to meet you. Sadly, I’m at the other end of the state, the not-Boston end. But maybe I’ll bring my book to BlogHer and find you in the bathroom….

  136. Thank you so much for posting about the Goodreads contest for your Canadian fans 🙂

  138. I’m so curious to know if your signature looks like your name…or if it’s some famous-like scrawl? It’s way easier to give thousands of autographs when it is a scrawl. That’s my famous-person-tip-for-the-day…even though I’m not a famous person 🙂

  139. Seconding, or fifthing or whatever we’re up to now, please please come to London? Because I am a long, long time fan and you were a huge part of getting my beautiful babies their well (yes, Jenny IS a secret superhero in her spare time), therefore I don’t want you to overextend yourself and be miserable – we need you too much. However, if it won’t endanger your physical or mental health, you should come to London. Otherwise, can they hook up a Skype distance book release party or something for us poor foreign dwelling folks? You could host it from the bathroom!!

  140. Pleasepleaseplease come to the Barnes and Noble on Broadway in Tucson, AZ. I work there and would do the craziest of happy dances to meet you (and I’d secretly slip your book into all purchases). I will provide “adult refreshments”. Thanks for being you!

  141. Ordered mine! Please come to Vegas. it will make my stalking you wish come true…uh I mean so I can get the book signed.

  142. This is unrelated, but I saw that this was posted to Facebook first and I glanced at the pictures and I thought it was someone’s fingernails painted with pictures of Jesus.

  143. The only way you’ll be alone is if you lock yourself in one of those full bathroom stalls where nobody can sneak under or over. In which case, someone wil be outside singing Soft Kitty to lure you out.

  144. So you Canadians think a little border sucks? I’m half way round the world and I cross my arms, stamp my feet and screw my face into slitty eyes and a cat-bum mouth every day because I can’t get a bookplate . The “Juanita Ferris Beyonce Victor” tales are used to calm crying babies to sleep here. And now I’ve written it, I’m so calling my next dog – live or stuffed – Juanita Ferris Beyonce Victor. Don’t ever get a stamp Jenny.. Keep it real.

  146. If you come to Dallas, I’ll come to your signing. But you won’t know it’s me. Unless I’m the only one who shows up. Which probably won’t happen. But if it does, it’s me.

  148. If you come to Chicago – I will be bring all my crazy friends to see you so that you are not alone. and I love kitty faces.

  150. I don’t think I can reasonably justify a bookplate because I’m only planning on buying the Kindle edition =(
    However, if any of your readers would like a cursory promise of a Turkish couch (for a couch surfing) for a copy of your book, I have to no qualms in forwarding my mailing address. I like hard copies. Just saying.

  151. oh man, i just pre-ordered and i WANT a cat facE!! 😀 (elly burian from Madison, WI)

  152. In reading quickly “cat faces” became “cat feces” and I had a moment when I wondered – wow, how good do you have to be to draw feces so well you can distinguish genus & species?

  153. Can’t wait for your book to come out! It’s been in my Amazon basket for yonks!
    Also, I saw this and thought that you might enjoy it:

  158. If you come within 50 miles of my town, I promise you will not be stared/laughed at by cashier’s. I will come keep you company and we can go crazy in the bathroom together.

  159. Please tell me that your book tour involves a trip to Los Angeles? Me and my pre order book will totally be there, book plate already in place, to get my kitty face drawing and bring you a small gift of liqour and or xanax (your choice)

  160. OMG, Jenny!!! If you stop near me (Sacramento, CA), I will totally bring my signed bookplate for you to put a kitty face on! I just want the chance to squeeze you and tell you how awesome and inspiring you are!

    Oh, and I will totally give you a hand massage to get you through the rest of your signings if you ask me to 🙂

  164. I check here everyday, and have been meaning to preorder the book……..I just went to Amazon and preordered, I mean who can turn down a personalized nameplate? Not me!

  165. So my bookplate is in that Jenga stack? And the picture is on the internets, so… My bookplate is famous ya’ll!!

  166. Lots of your readers secretly want cat feces hahahahaha. I just read through 151 comments just to see how many people read it that way. You are fantastic and I hope you come to the Seattle area or maybe just to my house in Enumclaw…yes that town with the horrible horse story. It wasn’t me or anybody I know so my place is safe. Also fyi, I make my friends participate in speaking the conversations between you and Victor like a play. It’s wonderful!

  167. The alone with pity and disgust…SO NOT HAPPENING. EVER. In fact, I envision hoardes of people, trampling poor little me, leaving me mewing sadly upon the floor like said cat faces (if they were real of course; hand drawn cats can’t mew. Well, they can based on whatever drug you’ve imbibed. And they might be robots. Robocats! Wait, this isn’t going right. Out, voices!).

  170. Good thing wine slushies can be drunk with a straw, no fingers required to hold the glass. What’ll it be, red or white?

  171. YAY! Congrats!!! I can’t wait to get mine in the mail!!! And, I will definitely be at a book-signing if you venture to the DFW area!!! I’ll bring you a cocktail in the bathroom… smuggle it in via the flask I got for Christmas, and we’ll have a party while everyone else waits out in the store wondering where you are! ;o)

  172. Guys, here’s a quick, easy thing you can do to help Jenny sell more books: Go here http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Pretend-This-Never-Happened/dp/0399159010/ref=pd_sxp_f_pt
    First, click the LIKE button right under the title and Jenny’s name at the top of the page. (I don’t really know what that does, but people tell me to ask others to do it for my books on Amazon.)
    Next go about half way down the page and find TAGS. It’s beneath a bunch of covers of what people bought after visiting this page and other books you might lake.
    Go to the little boxes next to each tag and check it to say you agree with those tags.
    Tags are a way customers can search for books on Amazon by subject and content. I believe the more people who tag a book, the higher the book shows up in Amazon searches. So Tag her book Humor, and she gets to the top of books Amazon recommends for people looking for Humor books. (Although, most will have no idea what they’re getting into, I’m sure.)

  174. When I read the sentence “Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat faces.” my brain read it as “cat feces.” Strangely, I didn’t find this odd at first and I don’t know if that says more about me or what kind of craziness I have come to expect from you. Either way, I made myself chuckle . . . .

  176. Please come to Maine!!!! You might see a moose! That’s all I could think of to convince you! I am a disgrace to Maine!

  177. Seriuosly though, You have to be the cutest thing ever, so I am glad its a three part picture!

  178. I just had a convo on Facebook about this with my bff, Amber. And it went like this-

    Me~ Don’t forget to visit this site (I posted the link) to claim your free signed book plate.

    Amber~ Done!!!! (Psss ::whispering:: what’s a book plate?)

    Miranda ~ ?::whispering back:: I have no idea but it’s signed and free so I figured it sounded fun 😀

  180. Holy Jesus on a Fudgesickle, did you just say Book Tour? Todd “Hot Nuts” Epstein, my taxidermied squirrel, and I will be in THAT line. Presumably drunk. Please tell me you’ll do the signing in a bathroom stall with boxed wine available. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease….

  181. i’ll take a ferris mewler paw print if you don’t get your fingers reattached any time soon 🙂

  182. There is no way you’ll be sitting alone if you come to Chicago. I’ll come and sit with you and we can hide under the table and make finger puppets. Best book signing EVER.

  183. Ha, if you just did kitty-faces, you’d quickly become known as The Bloggess Formerly Known As Jenny.

    Was stoked to see your book on Audible’s “coming soon” list. So gettin’ it! I foresee co-workers peering nervously into my lab as I work and laugh out loud for what appears to them to be no reason at all.

  184. Good work!
    So I’ve filled in the form, twice. I wanted to explain, but there wasn’t a box to. I ordered 2 copies, one for myself and one for a friend, so I’m hoping for two bookplates, one for each book. Also we live in England (home of the Doctor), so I used my Aunt’s address in MO (She will forward them on to me). So if you think there’s some funny business going on there really isn’t.
    Shhhh Junaita. Seiously. Pipe down. She doesn’t need to know about THAT right now.

  185. I read part of your post: “Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat FECES”…any chance of that?

  186. As a former bookstore employee/cashier, I promise that we’re too busy thinking about our lunch break or sneaking books to read under the register to look at any author with pity/disgust. And also, seeing as you’re awesome, I doubt we’d be doing anything other than looking at you while silently murmuring “We’re Not Worthy!” (And since I have not worked at a bookstore since 2006, I really shouldn’t be putting myself in the “we” category when talking about bookstore employees…I must have a be-aproned bookselling weasel in my pocket.)

  187. Jenny-I think that the 10 (?) people that read the original post as “cat feces” should get your fingers, or a free book or bookplate or something.
    Also, the question mark is there because I am assuming you only have 10 fingers, and I think there were about 10 people who read the post wrongly but I am too lazy to go back and look. At the people’s posts, not your fingers.

    Oh, and bring a book to the book signing (get it?) because you are so awesome that everyone will already have pre-ordered your book and won’t need any additional copies. Unless they make new family or friends because if THEY were awesome they would have already counted the number they would need for their friends and family for gifts and pre-ordered them as well.

  188. To avoid having bookstore owners looking at me with pity, I’ve scheduled my first two book signings at consignment shops. Figured people will show up for the clothes and I can sneak a copy of the book into their pile while they aren’t looking! I wish you good luck but seriously doubt you need it. (…Florida could use a little irreverent humor, she mentioned wistfully.)

  189. I am SO excited! One of those is for ME. I am choosing to believe that the one in your hand in pic #1 is the one that will come in my book. Yippee! I actually forgot about pre-ordering your book during a busy minute, but when I did remember it was like glitter and chocolate and sunshine ALL AT ONCE. Can’t wait!

  192. please come to Louisville ky. we have lovely spacious bathrooms in all of our book stores. plus we are cool with having book signings in the lu.

  193. God damn it life is so BLOODY unfair! I’m a Canadian & I live abroad, so I fail on 2 counts! Grrrr, just Grrrrr!!!! (You know Jenny, I bet Wil Wheaton would send me a book plate to the UK! It would be a book plate of him collating paper!) <———— I SOOOO want that!

    As an aside Enumclaw – so had to Google that………..eeeeewwww!

  194. Hi Jenny,

    Is the audio version of your book going to be released through Audible? I hope so because I love the idea of hearing you, reading your book.
    And I’m not eligible for a bookplate anyway, since I don’t live in the US. Sigh.

    Sharon

  196. omg I would totally love it if you signed your name with a kitty cat face instead!!! plus my name is kat so you could like draw two kitty faces. That would be some seriously awesome goodness!

  197. OMG! I figured that the “autograph” was going to be one of those “auto signature” things, not an actual signature! You need make Victor go out and by you one of those at home, hand soaking things, with the therapeutic wax. Then, you can plot your revenge with some of the “used” wax…..

  198. At first I read… “And now I will never sign my name again. Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat feces.”
    And I thought… “well shitsnacks, how hilariously unique and appropriate.”

    Imagine my disappoinment when my vision cleared and I realized you wrote FACES.
    Of course, I am also exhausted & senile at the moment.

  199. I pre-ordered for that bookplate, yo. But I also have to buy it on itunes because I’m old and my eyes need backlighting. Which means forgoing food for a week. Totally worth it.

    Come to Portland and help keep us weird. I’ll buy you a Voodoo doughnut.

  200. Just filled out my form! Hope there is one left for me!! Are you sending one to Wil Wheaton??

  201. convince your publishers that you need to add Byron Bay, Australia to your tour! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

  202. As a bookseller, we definitely feel sorry for people who have events where nobody shows. I severely doubt you’ll be one of those authors.

    Any idea when the tour schedule will be posted? I’d be THRILLED if you came to my store.

  204. So it seems my “what do we do if we’re ordering the Kindle edition” question has been asked already. I would also accept a picture of an already-signed bookplate, because there’s no place to stick anything on my Kindle because it’s already dressed like a TARDIS (because it’s bigger on the inside). This is probably the *only* situation in the history of ever that could have made me sad about that.

    Also, the aforementioned TARDIS skin, in case anyone wants it/wants to see it (I am in no way affiliated with this shop; I just happened to find this skin and say ZOMGINEEDTHATRIGHTFUCKINGNOW!): http://www.etsy.com/listing/88996754/amazon-kindle-fire-skin-cover-doctor-who

  205. Yay for the Canadian contest!

    This makes up for the fact that I spent the last two days trying to figure out a way to get a green card because iTunes won’t let me download Season 2 of Portlandia even though I can see it on the list and we still don’t have Red Mango here thus leading me to the conclusion that both iTunes and Dairy Farmers are racist against Canadians.

  207. My daughter pre-ordered a book for me for Christmas on Amazon.com. Can I get a bookplate too? I can provide the confirmation and stuff.

    Thanks so much for the random hilarity.

    Wendy

  209. I misread that you were going to draw pictures of cat “feces.” I am not sure what this says about me, except that I seriously need to clean the litter box more often. I second Char’s motion for you to come to Boston!

  210. But…but…but…what about those of us who preordered your lovely book for our KINDLES?????

  211. I’m so excited for you book!!! I had the bookplate sent to my mother-in-law’s house, since we’ll be in the middle of an overseas to stateside move and I do not want it to get lost.

    BTW, book tour?? They let you sign books in the bathrooms now?? That’s awesome, but what are your male fans going to do?!?

  212. Jenny,

    Just by the fact that we share a name and you are CLEARLY my bestie (as illustrated by you saying things I wish I had the strength to say out loud.) If you come to Northern California (and for the love of every god known to mankind-please do) I promise to bring you homemade baked goods and fix you my mom’s fried chicken.

  214. This is officially my first preorder of any book, ever. Wait. Maybe the final Harry Potter book, too, I forget. But still, pretty elite group. Can’t wait to read it. 🙂

  217. Put on thick red lipstick and just kiss mine. I’m sure you’re hand is tired by now.

    Or just kiss’em all to make sure you don’t send mine to someone else.

    I know. I don’t have enough shit going on in life either.

  218. If you come to Minneapolis, I will buy a book on the spot. Even if I have to follow you into the bathroom. Which would be completely inappropriate. Unless you were signing them at the downtown Buca di Beppo italian restaurant. In the Men’s bathroom. Which is decorated with picture after picture of little boys peeing. It’s totally not-pervy, and sadly is not replicated in the Women’s bathroom. But that’s what happens when the first restaurant of a national chain starts in a weird, slaggy basement.

  220. I haven’t ever pre-ordered a book. I might just have to start! Of course, it’ll make more work for you… DILEMMA!

  221. Just pre-ordered and filled out the form so get a bookplate! I was just wondering to myself today if you were still giving those out and then you answered my question for me. I’m going to go ahead and take that as a creepy stalker-ish that we’re meant to be, because I think you would appreciate the creepiness.

    But in all seriousness, can’t wait until that bitch arrives in the mail! The book and the bookplate. And if you get a say at all in where you go on your tour, please try to come to Florida, because I will gladly travel to meet you in person! I can stalk more effectively in person.

  222. Your book is on my wish list. I’m hoping for an Amazon gift card for my birthday again so I can order it. My bday isn’t until April, so I’m not in line for a signed book plate. However, if you make it anywhere near Bentonville, AR, I am soooooooo coming to the bookstore to see you!!! I have a few friends who will willingly come with me because I introduced them to your blog and they too love it!! 😀

  223. Oh, I do hope you’re coming to Minnesota. I would skip work to come see you. And I _never_ skip work! Otherwise I’d not be able to afford the plumber, much less the new driveway!

  225. Quick question……I pre-ordered your book for my kindle, do i still get a bookplate? Even if i don’t have a “physical” book? I mean it will exist in the meta-physical, but…….ya know what i mean……LOL

  227. Nice… I pre-ordered the book JUST TO GET one of these, so thank you everso … Can’t wait to get the book, can’t wait to get the book plate – xo

  228. While I’m extremely sad that I can’t get a bookplate because I live in Canada, I’m still going to order your book. And a box of depends. I figure if I almost pee my pants just reading your blog, the book will completely due me in.

  231. I get the feeling that signing your name won’t be an issue if you’re hiding under the sink in the bathroom… just saying, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

  234. Yay! A few things…

    1) I can’t wait to get my bookplate.
    2) I hope I can make it to one of your tour stops.
    3) I wonder if the left-handed dentist is the 5th dentist who won’t recommend Trident gum.

  235. I assume the book tour will take place in the finest book store bathroom around the country. Also these book stores should probably be expanding there bathrooms.

  237. Man, that’s great, now you can get your fingers taxidermied (is that a verb) and maybe have your weasel pretend to have just ripped them off, or stick them in the alligator’s mouth, mmmmm mmmm good. More props. good luck on book tour.

  239. Big congrats to you lady, for the book and for the signings. Oh, and for NOT killing Victor. I’m assuming, of course, is he still with us?!!

  241. Yeah, I’m posting again because I totally misspelled my e-mail address. Not that it matters but I’m anal like that and, well, it just woulda bothered me.

  243. I used to work for a cell phone company and signed my name hundreds of times per day. It was miserable. I feel for you. You had it much worse. Congrats on being finished. Talk Victor into a hand massage.

  245. If you go on your book tour, what are the chances of coming to Eastern KY?? I would LOVE to see the woman who has given me the courage to do things I never thought possible. Thank you!

  246. I just preordered my book. Well, your book. My copy of your book. That.

    Yay! (BTW, the combination of the title and the shape of the pictures made me think the pictures were pictures of press on nails with your picture on them. And that they’d fallen off. Due to all the signing. And now a huge meeting of manicurists was going to have to happen. So glad that’s one crisis that’s averted!)

  247. Love you!!
    I know almost exactly how you feel….but on a much smaller scale. Every year, my boss has me do her X~mas cards. There’s usually around 300. I have to fold each card, stuff it in an envelope…then address and stamp each one. I feel like my fingers are bleeding by the time I get done, and it usually takes me two weeks. I can’t imagine doing 5000….of anything!!!!

    Cheers! I can’t wait to get your book! XxxOoo!!!

  250. Why wear your fingers out? Use your feet, they’re already bare. Have Victor fill a paint tray with hot pink (or the shade that best says ‘you’) paint on the floor followed by a path of copies of your book. Then just step in the paint and walk down the booky brick road ’till you’re through! To my knowledge it’s never been done before, and your peeps would love it. (because they’re weird -don’t act like you don’t know)

    You’re welcome.

  251. Please please please come to the DC area! When will the schedule for said book tour be available??? I will bring both my cats who will help you sign books, using their cat paws as little ink pads. How can you say no to that???

  252. So do I also get one even if I pre-ordered it from Barnes and Noble???? You know Heidi got an early edition! So jealous! You should really send her a signed copy. (By the way, thank you for recommending her Girl to Mom blog, she is going through exactly what I am in my life and I absolutely find her inspirational! So Thank you!)

  255. Oh by the way.. Did you know that Jen Lancaster commented on your book! FREAKIN JEN LANCASTER!!!!! I OWN EVERY ONE OF HER BOOKS AND I’M SECRETLY TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH HER BUT FROM AFAR!!! Dang, I should seriously write a book cause then maybe I’d get to meet you in person and if I’m lucky Jen Lancaster too! OMG! What a great life that would be! FREAKIN JEN LANCASTER!!!!!

  256. Well, I joined the 600-something Canadians vying for the 10 copies of your book, though I wish I could get a bookplate. 🙂

    Congratulations on signing your Jenga-pile and looking so great while doing it!

  257. Totally pre-ordered, but would love to see you on tour, so come to Ohio–it isn’t very exciting, but I know a guy that does taxidermy in his garage and will take you on a free tour!

  258. I pre-ordered and think I filled the form for my signed bookplate correctly. I just read that cat faces and thought you wrote cat fEces. Yes my contacts are not funtioning properly yet this morning. 😉 Love you!!!!

  260. My husband keeps asking me when your book comes out. I keep telling him April, but I think he is excited. We adore you in our house. Congrats on getting all that signing done. You are such a devoted woman, and love the dress.

  261. Apparently with famousity comes pain; but in your case it seems it’s totally worth it.Congrats. If you’re coming to Houston, I’ll make sure to pop by and give your some Alleve for your poor hand.,

  262. While I do regret the loss of your fingers, I am very excited to get a bookplate…I think I see mine in that stack, nope not that one, the one above it…

  265. Please include The King’s English Bookshop in Salt Lake City on your tour list! It’s a ROCKIN’ place…

  268. I just got totally excited that you watch The Guild! I am a Wow player so I have been a fan for years. This has just elevated you to almost goddess-like status. Ok maybe more then almost but I don’t want you to get the Big Head, because then you might totally pass up Idaho on your tour. Thinking that its just a bunch of crazy people that live in the desert. Which is it and all the more reason to stop in and hand out koolaid in the cups with cat faces.

  269. These pictures make me furiously happy cause one of those is MINE! (Sorry about your fingers falling off. Maybe you can borrow Juanita’s?)

  271. Hey, I have Tom Landry’s signature on a football. How much is that worth?
    You trade one of your signed books for it?

  272. You are my afternoon coffee break. You pick me up, make me laugh and I feel downloaded enough to finish out my day! Thank you for just being you. BTW…I WANT that dress. Lovely.

  273. I am with Chelle…I’m doing a evil laugh thinking “mine is in there!” Bahahahahahaha!

  274. I just pre-ordered the book and signed up for a book plate. The “I was stabbed in the face in a bar in the 90’s” sent me over the top. I was planning to buy it anyway, but now I’ll get it faster.

    I’ll add my voice to the list for a Boston booksigning. And since I’ve been known to make a two-hour drive (in one direction) to get to a booksigning, it doesn’t even have to be Boston.

  276. I cannot wait for your book tour! Please come to the Philadelphia area – Chester County Books in West Chester would be great. My friend Jen and I will be there wearing our confidence ponytails and drinking wine. I may bring my pug, he acts like a cat and is awesome.

  277. Can’t wait – pre-ordered and book tour???????? San Francisco????? Bay Area??????? When will we know?????

  278. I’m wondering why Amazon told me that people who purchased your book also purchased star shaped black trivets and red strapless gowns. I mean, the gowns I get, but did I miss an blog on trivets? I’m sure it was hysterical. If not, well, get busy, Jenny.

  280. Everyone is putting in their requests for your book tour stops. Come to Seattle! Or anywhere in the Pacific Northwest. I will wear a red ballgown to your booksigning!

  281. You’re coming to Bookpeople right? Because Austin would cry if you didn’t, and I know you dont want that lol

  283. I read this…and I got really excited…so much so, that I think I pee’d myself a little.

  284. Raleigh NC is a very. cool. city. you can come over to my house for a drink or four, and to meet my cats. and i will feed you snacks.

    and thats snacks, like chee-tos or hummus, not like Snacks the Cat.

  285. Seriously? You want us to feel SORRY for you because you had to sign 5000 bookplates for your *bestselling novel* ?!? Pishaw! ;p If/when you offer anything to us lowly Canadians, I want a signature AND a cat face.

  286. Is there a schedule yet for your book tour? I tried to find it on the Penguin website, but it’s too damn slow!

  289. Dear Jenny – If I get your book on my Kindle and bring it to one of your book signings how do you propose to sign it? Thanks. Love, me.

  291. Hi Jenny,
    I did pre-order you book along with a handful of friends and co-workers. I think I saw my name signed name plate in your pile o’plates.
    On that note, I would love to take you up on that drink. I will be visiting Texas for the first time ever at the end of March for a nice long wkend. Can I hold you to that drink or was that just you be gracious =]
    Jodie B

  294. i would totally love one of your signed books, however because i live at the arse end of the world (australia) as usual i am left out of the equation. 🙁 (me pouting)

  295. That won’t happen in Minneapolis, that’s for sure. I’ll be right there to hand you your Xanax and ask for kitty faces.

  298. I have put off preordering your book for financial reasons, but I can’t stand it anymore. I have to buy your book. Screw the fact that we have closing costs to pay on our first home this weekend. I HAVE TO GET YOUR BOOK AND THE SIGNED BOOKPLATE! screw the new house.

  299. I’m planning on buying the kindle edition when it comes out so no bookplate for me. However if you come my way for the book tour, I promise to come and stare at you with the cashiers. You rock!

  301. I cannot wait for the book tour, if it’s any where close to Pueblo, I’m errr…- calling in sick- that day

  302. There seem to be an awful lot of people who expect your blog posts to be felinely scatological.

  303. Jenny,
    I love the photos.You are the cutest thing since kitty faces. Also, holy shit, wasn’t there some kind of technological way for your signature to be reproduced. Or is that not the cool thing to do when you author a book? By the way, I want your book but I’m poor. When I become un-poor, it shall be my first purchase. One more thing..are you putting out an e version of the book so I can download it to my iphone and laugh hysterically in my bed?! I sure hope so.

  304. I live in Canada. I entered the contest. I want to buy your book when it comes out, but I want it signed by the author with a kitty face instead of a signature. Now all you hafta do is promise me that you will come to Alberta to do a book signing and that you will make a kitty face on my book whether or not I am brave enough to ask. Or I could just mail you something with $$$ included for return postage and you could mail me an authentic Jenny Lawson kitty face?

  307. Come to beautiful Milwaukee!! We have beer! And cheese! And a lake!
    No, seriously, you should come here.
    Seriously.

  308. Well, it may be the fact that I’m ridiculously tired, or it might be because my brain just stopped working about 3 months ago after having my third boy in less than 4 years. But. I could NOT find an e-mail address or anything for you so that I could send you a message that wouldn’t distract from an actual post on your blog (unless you want to post about this, in which case I might get a huge case of the giggles and start jumping around like an idiot until my husband brings out the sedatives). The message I wanted to send was going to go something like this:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while (much like everyone else), and so I’ve come to a point where I want to be amused by you at every turn of my day. I’ve recently started actually looking for a small dog to add to our family, and I really want to name it something obnoxious and hilarious. Since you leave me laughing almost every time I read something from you, I was hoping you could help me come up with a name for my future pet, whether it be a boy or a girl. I want it to be something long and pretentious, starting with Sir, Lord, Prince, Princess, Miss, Queen, etc. Something that I will have a hard time saying without laughing my butt off, but that isn’t totally disgusting or out-of-line so that when friends/family or ladies of my mommy’s group ask the name, I’m actually able to answer them.

    I’m really hoping you find this to be something that grabs your interest and you’re able to help. Thank you so much for all the laughs no matter what, I really enjoy reading your blog!

    -Rebecca M.

  310. Hi. you’ll never read this but I need to say this anyway. I am so completely inspired by you that it has become my mission to shower all my brilliant girlfriends with cocks (there are just no metal hens out there — just rooster after rooster, and I can send pictures — Homegoods is my FAV place for dicks). I am a woman who is suffering from some similar afflictions (sad ass hat way to say depression, self-injury, fear, anxiety (my very best friend EVER) and writer’s block (which, from what I can tell, you do not suffer lightly). I also have a man in my neighborhood who advertises himself as Dick the Taxidermist. So just saying. the jokes right there write themselves. But here’s the thing (and there will be pictures coming. We are planning a COCKtail party with all the roosters (here’s the names so far: Jay-Z, Andrew (after my hairdressers’ asshole client, i.e. the big cock), LMFAO (I’m sexy and I know it), and Big Ass Mo Fo (guess you get that one!). Anway, there is a story behind each and every gift of the cocks to my friends, and without you and your insanely divine inspirations, this would never have happened. I know these cocks don’t hold a candle to the original Beyonce, but they have made my friends smile at the shit times in their lives, and this is thanks to you.

    I don’t have a blog (YET) but would pay massive amounts of suckage to just get a message from you to my brilliant gfs living through the shit. YOU ROCK. ‘nuf said.

    kkroberts@surewest.net

    Oh yeah, and will send pics of the COCKtail party. Just too divine!

  311. I just signed up for a bookplate… If I don’t get one I’m going to be upset and will then demand that you visit Fargo on your book tour. Or Minneapolis, that’s close too I suppose. I will then demand not only a cat picture but an autograph as well.

    But for now I’ll just ask you nicely to pretty pretty please come to Fargo on your book tour. 🙂

  312. Can I say how bummed I am that you can’t do PO Boxes? Please let the world know if that changes, as I live in Germany, but have a US post box!!! (I’m still preordering!)

  313. Maybe you could get your own wax stamp with personal insignia…or make our own signature stamp with a potato? Would save you risking repetitive strain injury…

  314. What incentive is there for those of us living in (not so) sunny England to buy your book? Apart of course for teh fact that it’s awesome!

  315. If you get sick of drawing cat faces, just take your cat along and an ink pad… Inky paw prints for everyone!!

    Are you coming to the UK on your book tour? (oh please say yes!!)

  317. My order of your book from Amazon UK has just been cancelled :S

    Says it is not available here… *flails* What’s that about?!

  318. WTF? Amazon.co.uk just cancelled my pre-order because their supplier told them the release had been cancelled! They don’t want me to get a bookplate OR a book!

    So I pre-ordered from the Book Depository instead. Suck it, Amazon!

  319. That’s fucked up. I’ll ask my publisher about it but heres my guess. We just sold the rights to a UK publisher and maybe they want to be the ones selling the book? Lemme ask.

  320. Oh I hope so… I was really looking forward to getting the book, even without a signed bookplate ((Sad Face))

  321. Boo – my Amazon UK order has disappeared too, and now the site only sells the audiobook and gives you an option to get them to let you know when it becomes available in hardcover.

    Pre-order has gone from My Orders too.

    I also wasn’t getting a bookplate but was looking forward to April 🙁

  323. I just preordered your book on amazon…then i got distracted and also purchased a dr. who tshirt and 2 dr. bumper stickers. 1 for me reading “my other ride is a tardis” and one for my best guy friend that says “david tennant is my doctor”. now instead of buying your book for 14 bucks, i have spent $45 bucks on your book and dr who crap. I also decided that my life is pretty freaking awesome considering that the hardest decision i will have had to make today is which dr. who shirt to buy.

    ps. i bought the one that says “I <3 <3 DW"

  325. I finally decided to preorder an actual copy instead of getting the kindle edition. Now I can get a bookplate! I feel sorry for your fingers though <3 I hope you'll let us know when those last few hundred are gone, I was nervous that I would miss out.

  326. I pre-ordered two, one for me and one for my best kind of f’d up friend who helps make my life as much fun as you do. Thanks for making a bookplate for both of us! It was totally worth it I promise. OH and Killeen/Fort Hood area is a great place to sign your book. I know two people who would line up and we have pretty clean bathrooms here:-)

  327. I really, really, really (with a cherry on top, unless you don’t like cherries, in which case, with something else on top), hope you come to the LA area. I will sleep in a parking lot all night for you.

  329. I feel like I should know what a book plate is. Because then I’d know whether or not I want one. I think I probably do, but you know. . . to be SURE.

  330. Now you’ve convinced me to buy a paper copy to accompany my eBook version. I want a kitty-face signature, too! (come to Tampa, please!)

  331. Apparently Princess Diana used to soak her hands in ice water after a long day shaking hands with the masses. And prostitutes are known to tie lucky charms around their wrists to ward off wrist injuries (its not called a hand job for nothing)! I guess you could do both – that way you won’t have to choose between the Princess and the P!

    So excited about your book. Can’t wait. Well done Jen!

  332. 🙁 I’m bummed. I live outside the U.S. AND have a PO box as my mailing address. No signed bookplate for me. I’ll just be happy to get the book when it finally comes out!

  333. Promise that you will come to Chapters in Peterborough, Ontario on your tour! My head will explode, and then happiness will ensue; not becuase of the exploding head, but because of the awesomeness of you coming to my hometown!

  334. When I receive my personally signed nameplate, I will appreciate it all the more given that you sacrificed your fingers just so I could have it. Thank you.

  335. i second the request to come to Indy on your book tour … Or Louisville or St Louis. I will find you … In a non-stalking sort of way!

    Can’t wait for my bookplate. 🙂

  337. Ohboyohboyohboy, I’m gonna get me one o’ them signed bookplates! Cuz I preordered your book when you first announced it. Thanks, Jenny!

  338. Apropos of nothin Jenny, but you are really beautiful and make me wnt to wear dresses.

    Blog on, Texas!

  339. Please please please make it to Ohio. This place is pretty fracking boring and we’ve got lots of people that taxidermy shit so you are bound to find something awesome like a taxidermied version of Beyonce.
    Oh and I’d like to thank you in advance for my signed book plate!

  340. Yay! I’m stoked to get one, I think. Not “I think” because I don’t want one, but “I think” because I ordered one on my Kindle and I’m not sure if that counts….. So….Just because “I think”, doesn’t mean “I am” (sure of anything that is).

  341. I’m sad that those with PO Boxes can’t get a bookplate for pre-ordering. I’m in the Foreign Service and so my address while serving in Estonia is a DPO address (just like APO, only slower and for those of us who don’t get to carry guns). I’m ordering anyway, because you need something to make you laugh when the temp outside is -25 F!

  342. Jenny! Greetings from here, I have now been all the way to the back and come back up. Archives? Read, check that bastard off the list!

    Oops, forgot to say, this is the witchy Julie. Checking in.

    Where was I? Oh right, book plates and tour dates. Can’t buy a book, we are sad and poor (cops make NO money!) but I am going to request that my library buy your book and then, when you show up here in Oregon (don’t care where, I’d fucking CRAWL to see you) I’ll just flash my check-out receipt, wave, and smile warmly (but definitely NOT spooky or stalk-er-y).

    Okay, now I need to go start on the mom column and that other one…. not the sex one, whichever is left.
    Here’s an asprin or tylenol, if you prefer, for your detached fingers. Wait, maybe make that a basket, so you can carry them around.

  343. Any updates for us UK followers/fans/nutjobs/people that want to buy the book and had our orders cancelled Jenny?

    Thanks chick.

    Emma.

  344. I love your dress, and if its not too personal to ask, is there some sort of built-in support or do you have a separate garment providing that? I would love to wear something like that but my breastages are on the larger side (>DD) and I hate strapless bras (and I’m nursing, so I don’t even think there’s a garment out there that fits my scenario).

    (I’m wearing a strapless bra under it. I’m not that perky without one. ~ Jenny)

  345. I did it. I ordered your book and then put in an order for one of the bookplates. I’m so excited. But I know that in my daily life, I’ll forget I ordered your book. And then it’ll be like a huge surprise to myself when it comes in the mail! YAY. I can’t wait to surprise myself.

  346. D.C. needs you! Seriously. Come to Politics & Prose, 5015 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20008. Pretty please???
    *thank you in advance for my bloodstained bookplate*

  350. I just order two copies. One for me of course and one for my best friend who is battling breast cancer. We are both fans. I figured she could use a good laugh while she is getting chemo. I hope I got placed my order in time for them to get the signed book plates…that would be awesome.

  351. I’m just one of many sad Canadians who don’t qualify for the bookplate.

    Still pre-ordered, even without the bonus bookplate awesomeness. Can’t wait for it to get here. 😀

  352. I went to a reading/signing by David Sedaris a few years back & he chatted & doodled in the books which is why I have a book with a pooping Halloween cat drawn in a it. True story.

  353. Atlanta absolutely needs you in all your awesomeness. Can’t wait to see the tour schedule!

  354. So I won the Canadian contest! Yay me! I can’t wait to get my copy.

    Thank you Bloggess for being your wonderful self! Can’t wait to read it!

  357. ZOMG! I just filled out the form for the book plate, and I’m not sure I put my email addy in correctly. I have 2 separate email accts, and I’m a little paranoid that I may have gotten them mixed up and mashed together. In my defense, vodka and sleep deprivation were involved. I *probably* entered it correctly, but I’m neurotic and I worry about stuff like this… I REALLY hope I did get it right, though. It’s the only reason I pre-ordered hardcover instead of e-book. : /

  359. I am having an Emergency here! I went and preordered your book but I cant find where to get the bookplate!!! HELP! Are they all gone! I tried clicking on the link and it just takes me to your book info… please help!

    (It expired a few days ago. But you can still get your book signed possibly. More on that later. ~Jenny)

  361. Oh…I really hate to be a bother…I know you signed a bajillion bookplates…but…

    I received an empty envelope from Penguin Group (USA). =(

  364. I was searching for information about creating bookplates for my novel when I clicked on a search result that brought me to this page. I am thoroughly enjoying your humor and your posts. Great writing – Fun reading! Thanks!

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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