EVERYBODY WINS

in bizarre, blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated

Remember last month when my blog kept crashing whenever I got too much traffic?  Well, turns out I needed a new dedicated server and all that junk, and I sort of vacillated on getting one because it’s more expensive.  But then I got an email from a company who offered to sponsor my new server this year just because they’re awesome and are tired of my blog being down.  They even asked that I not mention who they were, which is either because they’re just amazingly selfless or because they’re embarrassed to be associated with me.  Possibly both, if they’re as smart as I suspect.   Regardless, I adore them and they decided that not only would they help make the blog remain viewable to you all, but they also made you a present.

It’s a Beyonce-the-Giant-Metal-Chicken popsicle-stick puppet and it’s awesome.

Just click on the widget on my sidebar and it’ll let you print it out for free.  Give it to your kid.  Freak out the guy in the next cubicle.  Decorate your office.  Plus, they’re making more bloggess-style puppetry, so every week you can see what they’ve come up with next.

PS.  Is this the most professional, least profanity-laden post I’ve ever written?  Shit yeah it is.
Print Beyonce the Chicken

246 thoughts on “EVERYBODY WINS”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Ha! That’s awesome! I love it.. can’t wait to see what other goodies they, and you, put out for us! (I so love presents….)

  5. My kiddos will love the puppet!! Thank you!! And to whoever is giving you the server, may sunshine and rainbow pooping unicorns greet you every morning!! And I mean that in a positive light. 😀

  6. OMFG this is the coolest thing EVAR!! (At least this morning, and it probably has nothing to do with my cold medicine!)

  8. you are probably everybody’s most favorite person on the internet, do you know how loved you are? do you feel it?

  10. Awesome. I should be so lucky for my web host to crash from so much traffic. These days they send me an email whenever someone visits just to be sure they really meant to go there.

  11. Was it named Beyonce because her Chinese zodiac happens to be the Metal Rooster? I ask because it is, and mine is, too, and that’s how I know that, but I didn’t see any reference to it in the original article and I was wondering AM I PROVIDING ANY NEW INFORMATION HERE?

  15. People are so cool!!!! That’s very awesome of the mystery IT-savvy company. Let them know your fans appreciate it as much as you do!

  17. I’ve been wanting my own dot com dedicated server whatever for a LONG time, but blogger is free and you just can’t beat free. Except when people want to leave comments and email me in frustration because their comments keep disappearing. Which kind of sucks because comments are awesome.

    I already have a Beyonce keychain and a Beyonce desk statue. I think my husband will divorce me if I bring in a puppet. He’s not nearly as tolerant of the strange and unusual as Victor. Or possibly he just doesn’t see the amusement value, which is just sad.

  19. That is seriously awesome and I’m just waiting for adult supervision so I can be allowed to use the round-ended scissors and glue to make my own Beyonce freakout stick.

    More bloggess puppetry to come? There’s going to be a vaginal sock puppet isn’t there?

  21. I love that they love you enough to pay your bill but not enough to give out their name. You are like the weird cousin no one wants to claim at weddings.

  22. I’m going to print out about a hundred of these and leave them all over the house for my husband to find. Maybe even clip some onto string and hang them from the ceiling. I mean, he left me alone, unsupervised and bored for TWO hours. He’s kind of asking for it.

  23. Nothing will ever replace the REAL Beyonce, but since they dont allow giant metal chickens at work (I’m not really sure why not) I suppose a paper cut-out will fill the void for now. However, I do suggest we revolt against employer discrimination against metal chickens, and all metal animal likenesses for that matter. Possibly the next project for the Unicorn Success Club??

  24. I think we need a Victor puppet too. So it can look angrily at the Beyonce puppet.

  25. I think in honor of spring showing up I’m going to make a farm full of Beyonce’s for my dresser in my entryway. Will have to scale it a bit to make mama and baby Beyonces…

  26. It’s almost as though you can hear him sneering “knock knock, motherfucker” in a Thurston Howell voice. Love it!
    Mine will become a fan in the Austin heat…

  27. I do NOT remember that, actually. They really should let you mention their name. Unless there’s some sort of weird “Boys from Brazil” thing going on and they’re afraid that a Nazi Hunter will find them if you draw attention to them or something.

  29. Screw taping her to a stick, Beyonces being taped to my middle finger. Now when people come to my desk and ask for something, I can literally flip ’em the bird!

  32. This is AWESOME! And also the best spring break activity option I’ve seen all week. I’m going to have my kids make a whole flock of Beyonces today.

  33. OMG! I love your new secret server provider whoever they are!

    My new goal is to have a whole collection of puppets for the flight from Okinawa to Maryland (and all the stops in between) in May, ready so that my husband, son and I can entertain the whole plane with your bloggy-goodness by re-enacting some of the Best-Of moments!!!

    I’m so excited!! And my husband will love all the popsicles I’m going to “make” him eat! LOL

  34. I LOVE BEYONCE! I ran across her at a store in town & just had to take a picture. She’s now my Facebook profile picture!

  38. I’m with Sherry Carr-Smith..this one is being printed out for the kid’s Easter baskets. LOVE! Thanks, Jenny! x

  41. Can I just say how much I love that the reaction to this is “YAY! PUPPETS!” instead of “I’m far too mature to make puppets and harass coworkers with them.” You guys make me #furiouslyhappy. Also, I plan on filling Victor’s office with chickens when he’s out tomorrow. No one tell Victor.

  42. LOL, OMG, you never cease to crack me up — You are the ray of sunshine on my crappy days. I can’t wait to read your book! I’m totally printing out Beyonce for my toddlers to run around with. 🙂

  43. totally awesome. I am printing out two Beyonces for my kids right now 🙂 We can use them to freak out people in the next booth at lunch today.

  45. I haven’t made it a puppet yet, but I did cut one out I put it up at work. It makes me happy!

  46. Lol now I think I have to make a cartoon doll out of this chicken for you…

  48. My best friend and I once dressed up a frozen chicken in doll clothes and put it in her boyfriend’s car. He kept it for years (even after they broke up) and people would ask why he had a frozen chicken in doll clothes in his freezer. Because it was awesome. When your first Beyonce story came out, we were so excited, because it was a chicken. And that’s why we love you. You understand chickens. And apparently unicorns and all kinds of other wonderful stuff! Reading your blog is like talking to my best friend. Which is scary. But awesome.

  49. Printed. And in MY cubicle. With a bok bok motherfuckers underneath it. That might be inappropriate for the workplace. So is her skirt that shows cheek when she sits. I win!

    Also, DAMN STRAIGHT YAY! PUPPETS!

  50. Ima cover my desk in Beyonces!!!

    Thank you unknown, very kind and generous server supplier!!

  51. This is so awesome. I love it! Would you be opposed me making it into an iron on for a t-shirt? My own personal use, possibly for the kids also. I think my preschooler would love a Beyonce shirt. 🙂

  52. Oooohh! We totally keep photo-ready paper at the office! I could have the most awesome Beyonce puppet ever! …and I’m always the one with the cool toys, so this is definitely for me!

    …oh wait. To print in color I have to send it to someone else’s printer. She’ll probably steal it for herself. Drat.

  56. What a wonderful company to sponsor to you! I publicly salute their anonymity. They may be awesome, but they might have some uptight clients.
    I didn’t have a chance to post on Wil Wheaton and YOU IN HIS HOUSE, but it turned me into The Gladdess; today’s post made me even gladder. I will take the idea of making a garland and hang a Bloggess paper doll between each Beyonce for the ultimate birthday decoration for my friend!

  57. In addition to it being awesome, it is actually quite pretty! I hope the company fesses up at some point – I am curious to see what other work they do!

  58. Beyonce is going to go to trivia with me this week and when someone answers a question wrong I am all gonna be like “Pay up to the Metal Chicken of Truth!!!!!” and the wrong-doer is going to have to buy Beyonce a drink.

  59. Drat! now I have to find a spot on my Furiously Happy Board in my cube for this (and more bloggess-style puppetry to come) hmmm maybe I should just make it my bloggess board?

  60. I LOVE BEYONCE!!!! She is the reason I started following you!!!! I am so decorating everything I touch with Beyonces!!!!!!!

    Thank you to the server supplier!!!!!

  61. Beyonce iso coming to Italy with me next month!! I shall photo document her adventures!

  62. I demand some equally fierce minituare chicks….. In my honor. Also, if you could make one really ugly rooster in honor of my dad, that would be sweet . Oh and make him look like Victor. Just keeping it real, could u make one for my awesome birth mother? She really gets no love. Now I have to go practice my ass shaking! See ya!

  63. Diana is brilliant – everyone should take Beyonce with them on vacation, to the grocery store, the cemetery, wherever they go, and send you the photo. Together we will conquer the world, one Beyonce at a time!!!

  64. Flat Beyonce is going to go with us EVERYWHERE. Who needs a tour guide or a GPS when you have Flat Beyonce? NO ONE, that’s who.

  65. It’s beautiful! That is one cool company, and now we want to know who it is all the more. I can hear the sound of thousands of printers chugging away right now to print out Beyonce puppets for their kids.

  66. SWEET! Well, whoever they are, I want to send *them* a present! 😀 Oooh, I do hope Nater-Tater makes a puppetish appearance… maybe his puppet could be labelled as “add your own twine?” XD

  67. Beyonce the live tour- happening this weekend. Let’s all see how many green drinks miss Beyonce can have!

  68. Yay! Now my cubicle-dwelling Bloggess paper doll will have a minion when she goes in to negotiate my raise at my review next week. Because who deserves more money for being such an out-of-the-box thinker that she communicates in her annual review through paper puppeteering? ME!

  72. Wonderful.
    I think I’ll print off 50 of them, and create a sort of “Beyonce Fence” if you will.

    My coworkers will learn not to fuck with me. Or the metal chicken.

  73. I’m not looking forward to future Bloggess puppetry.

    Putting a stick inside a cutout of Wil Wheaton holding twine is just gonna be weird.

  76. I’m so printing one out and putting it on my door here at work with a label underneath, “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” Wonder if the boss-man will notice. More importantly, wonder if I’ll care. Thanks for the paper doll!

  78. Well, I’m happy to have a goal for the day – I will have to look around and see if we have any popsicle sticks. I suppose the cotton swabs will do…

    Whoever is providing your server…Thanks!

  80. You know, I think I’ll make these my Spring Solstice cards. They’re really Christmas cards I haven’t gotten to yet, but if I call them Spring Solstice cards no one will think they’re just 3 month-late holiday wishes, and everyone will think I’m super thoughtful and creative, which I’m not.

  81. Yea! I’m totally going to plant an bunch of these on my husband’s side of the bed. Then when he pulls the covers back , I’ll accuse him of having Beyonce’ in his bed!

  83. I’ve got a paper metal chicken on a stick!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! My life is complete. I can go crawl in a hole and die now. Thank you ol’ great and wise Bloggess!!!!

  84. My daughter’s god-father who’s a Unitarian minister and a big fan of yours is marrying his partner this winter (and wants me to find him his own Beyonce for the front yard for a wedding present). This MUST be part of the centerpieces! Going to email him now to harass/share the joy!

  86. I am totally going to print out a stack of these and take them to my next kid’s birthday party. I’ll teach all of the younguns to say “Knock Knock, motherfucker!” and to complain about the towels. It will be awesome. 😀

  87. I just got new ink for my printer on my desk. This is the first thing I’m printing IN COLOR. And I’m not even using the draft setting, I’m using “BEST” so Beyonce looks bee-you-tee-full.

  88. I am a technology dope — is there a way to print this backwards so I can see Beyonce on both sides, and I could stuff her with cotton balls and staple her together so she isn’t flat and then put the stick up her ass and wave her around ?

  89. Does this secret sponsor company make popsicle sticks by chance?

    Best Marketing Ploy to Drum Up Business EVAH!

    Look at you, bringing back puppets. Jim Henson would be sooooo proud.

  90. Thank you. What a perfect Ides of March present. Who needs to beware of this day with a popsicle-stick puppet in her hand? Whimsy stops danger in its tracks. Always.

  91. Love Beyonce! I sent her to our color printer and had to race down there (it’s at the opposite end of the floor) to retrieve her before someone stole her! She will look fabulous on the wall of my cube! Thanks so much! And many thanks to your mysterious benefactor!

  93. Oh now you’ve done it. Our administrative assistant better order a shit ton more color ink cartridges because I’m on a mission.

  96. I love it! Now I need more ink for my color printer! Also, I saw a Beyonce in someone’s yard on my way up to Breckenridge, CO.

  99. You are too much and I love it!!!

    Nothing like a roster to brighten the day of the driver next to me. I can take the rooster along with my on the freeway. When I feel like giving the “bird” to the jackass that cut me off, I’ll just flash the rooster. They will think I am crazy and back off. I’ll have the whole freeway to myself.

    But then again, I do like in CA, land of fruits and nuts. I guess I wouldn’t have the whole freeway. 🙁

    ~Allie

  103. You are amazing! I totally love you! I don’t know anyone as twisted as me! My kids found you and said “Mom this is you soul mate!”

  107. Is it bad that I just really want to know who this company is (even though they want to remain anonymous) because any company that supports you in such a kind and selfless way is a company that I want to support as well?

  108. Yes please!
    Your paper Beyonce looks kinda aloof: I can imagine it drawling “Cock-a-doodle-DOO, motherfucker” with the voice of Alan Rickman.
    …This franchise is gonna be so awesome.

  110. Made one. It’s here on my desk next to my picture of Juanita and her motherfucking souffle.

  113. OMG, I’ve finally found a replacement for the ugly paper pink flamingoes that we hang from everyone’s cubicle ceiling when they turn 40 and 50!

  116. I am BEYOND exicted about this!! I share a cubicle with 2 other social workers and am totally going to print out like 3 beyonce’s (1 for each of us, of course) and leave them for my co-workers to find. They’ll either be thrilled or confused. Either way – win for me!!

  118. Oh sweet Jesus I’m in heaven! I keep spreading the gospel according to the Bloggess and the book of Beyonce. Keep it up Jenny!!!

  119. Are you sure you can’t share their company name? Because, you know, I hear that companies are people, and if so, I’d like to vote for them for president. Especially if they are running on a puppet platform.

  120. I’ve already printed out two, maybe I’ll print out more and make Beyonce Wallpaper! I am not sure if my husband will like it, (he is kind of like Victor) but since I do all the decorating, what can he say?????

  121. Just printed one and have been startling people in my office all morning. And I learned something:

    Saying, “Knock, knock, mother-fucker,” out loud (and at people) in an office setting gets you written up.

    And knowing is half the battle.

  122. Wonder who will be the first to make a GIANT Beyonce on a stick to rattle some poor bball player during upcoming tourney?!?

  124. If I use the Beyonce-The-Giant-Metal-Chicken puppet to tell people to “keep fucking that chicken,” will people’s head explode in a frenzy of happy pop culture reference-hood, or will people just stare at me quizzically while surreptitiously dialing a mental hospital? I’m thinking option 2 is more likely.

  125. GAH!!! The colors on my printer are effed up – no clue what happened – but this is just the motivation I need to fix that bastard!

  128. Thank you to your silent angel and server-sponsor!! And thank you to YOU for the awesomeness that abounds when Beyonce’ makes another appearance. A puppet…. GENIUS!! She’s watching me now… 🙂 Humor makes the world go round and I love yours! Keep up the awesome work.

  129. @Jessica Hill…you, too, would have a look of disdain…or, could that be a look of surprise?!…if you had a wooden popsicle stick shoved up your arse.

  130. Beyonce now rocks my office. Nothing like having a metal chicken puppet- seriously, what could be better?

  131. Love it! Printed it and used a straw (no sticks 🙁 ) As I sat here at my desk playing, one of the cats looked at me with a WTF? on its face. However, he was evidently hatching his evil plot as, when I had to put my paper metal chicken on a straw down to do something, he grabbed it and ran off through the house with it in his mouth.

    Cats are evil . . .

  132. OMGOMGOMG!!! AWESOMESAUCE! Can you tell I’m excited?! Love this and will put it on top of my monitor!

  133. I’m going to keep mine in the car so I can flip people “the bird” when they piss me off.

  134. Next week on Potter Puppet Pals: Harry and the gang are visited by Beyonce, the giant metal chicken!

    The End

  135. This is so going in my office! This will give my coworkers yet another reason to question my sanity.

  136. Awesome. Now I can hold up the puppet when I yell “Knock Knock Motherfucker” at my friend’s front door!

  137. THANK YOU kind people who are sponsoring Jenny’s server!!!!

    I’m gonna put this paper Beyonce in the bathroom, right by the towels. Fitting, non?

  138. It’s going in the window of my car right next to my Unicorn Success Club Lifetime Member sticker!

  140. How is Beyonce handling the fame, is she still able to go outside? The paparazzi must be driving her insane.

  141. Thank you, server-sponsoring company!

    I don’t even know what to do with Beyonce now. There are so many ideas in my head and even more wonderful ones in the comments. I wonder if my HOA will get complaints if I tape one to the front of my condo door.

  142. Can I just say: OMG!!!!

    How freaking COOL is this???? Not only do I now have my very OWN Beyonce puppet, she is sitting in my pencil holder, and the girls in my office know EXACTLY who this is!!!!

    Knock, knock, Mother Fucker! God bless your new sponsors…

    Thanks, New Sponsors! You’ve just made a whole bunch of Beyonce lovers VERY happy!

  143. And these are now taped all over the office!

    Side note (ok two side notes)
    1) A house a block behind my husband’s office has a full size Beyonce out by their mailbox.
    2) I had the word “Beyonce” in Draw Something (Pictionary app), and I drew the rooster, and my husband totally got it. I think I landed a good one!

  148. Oh, the possibilities! A glamorous paper Beyonce dress, Beyonce lampshades, Beyonce tablecoths, Beyonce top hats, Beyonce curtains! BEYONCELICIOUS!

    Really, I could go on, but I unfortunately have to actually work now.

    Beyonce kite!

  151. Love. I’m going to print this out and put it above my “no soliciting, no fliers, no religious queries” sign.

    (This year is our tenth anny and he’s getting a giant chicken. Hands down.)

    🙂

  152. Took a picture of it and put it on the wallpaper of my phone so it could say “Ring Ring Motherfucker”
    Oh, and it’s also all over my cubicle at work….people think I’m nuts 🙂

  153. Puppets? PUPPETS? FUCKIN’ A – PUPPETS! I’ve printed out, cut out and hung up one in my meager government cubicle, but I have also printed out one to save for posterity. Because with the future issuance of more, I am going to collect the WHOLE FUCKING SET of Bloggess puppets, so that next year (or sometime possibly farther off in the future) when I am old and gray, I’ll be able to fondly gaze at my collection of your puppets and say, “What the fuck is that?” (Someone had to make up for the lack of swearing.)

  154. Thank You! I love my new Giant Metal Chicken Thong! My neighbors do not, nor does my wife or even my boss, but I love it!!
    As for the server issues, I’ve had the same problem, except my host called me to see if I maybe wanted to think about going to a free blogspot site because my traffic was terrible. I bitch slapped him and told to get back into the basement!

  155. I’ll be making one just as soon as I get myself to a color printer. Woooo! Now all I need is an itty bitty TARDIS to put next to it…

  157. So cool about the server & Beyonce! At first, I wasn’t going to print out the chicken. Then I saw everyone posting up their pics on Twitter and got jealous. So now, I have my own giant metal chicken who will have adventures with my bacon people from http://www.whatdobacondo.com. Thanks!

  159. Frickin awesome! I am going to make one for my sister-in-law and surprise her at Starbuck’s tomorrow. can.not.wait.

  160. I want a Wil Wheaton puppet. And a Victor-with-an-exasperated-look saying, “NO MORE TOWELS” puppet. And A Ferris Mewler puppet.

  161. This is so FREAKIN’ amazing! I love my Beyonce puppet, and will fer shur be collecting the entire Blogess puppet set.

    She’s going on the ceiling of my car, right along side the postcards of places we’ve been and the words to “Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder (cuz I always forget them when we’re singing in the car.) Thank goodness for T-pins!

  162. I think I’ll make a cone bra for my Beyonce. It will be like Beyonce meets Madonna, but cool Madonna from the 80’s.

  164. Holy shit snacks Dude!~~~~

    I would totally print the flipping hell out of these

    and i will as soon as I get a printer

    Also I wish said company would tell us who they are cause i would buy shit from them -all the time-
    unless it’s a male underwear company and then i can’t cause i’m a girl, and my boy dog doesn’t wear underwear

  165. Holy giant metal chicken puppets! This is now featured prominently in my office. It’s a shame I work from home… perhaps I’ll start skyping in with the other remote employees. They’ll be thrilled to see it!

  166. I can’t wait to wrap this up all pretty and fancy and present it to my friend for her birthday when we go out next week. To all Bloggess readers, if you happen to be in a Panera in the Baltimore area and hear two women totally fall out when the present is opened and see our other friend just rolling her eyes and shaking her head, stop by and say Hi!

    Dang, I hope she doesn’t read this comment.

  167. A) I frickin’ love chickens B) I pretty much hate Beyonce, and therefore C) Ridiculing her with a chicken puppet named Beyonce is super duper awesome. I salute you, Bloggess!

    Signed,
    The Artist Formerly Known as: A Marvelous Miss (I’m thinking of going with a symbol now, like Prince…you know, because it worked out so well for him.)

  169. I want Beyonce coloring sheets. And a box of surgically sharp crayons. The crayons aren’t for coloring my chicken, I just want them.

  170. Super dooper mega awesome! I was looking for some Easter craft to do with the kids!!

  171. Whoever you are blog sponsoring heros, we love you madly, and if we knew who you were we would all use our endowed super powers from the double unicorn success club to send business your direction.

    However we respect your right to privacy and will pray to the superpowers that you get everything you want for christmas and a stuffed armadillo!

  175. I WILL PASS THIS HEIRLOOM DOWN TO MY CHILDREN, AND THEM TO THEIR CHILDREN, AND THEM TO THEIR GRANDCHILDREN , AND SO ON UNTIL THE END OF TIME. THIS SHIT’S EPIC MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

  177. OMG this is the best thing I have received all day!! I am printing Beyonce up as I write this and then she is going on my fridge 😀 (I would make a puppet but we are fresh outta popsicle sticks…boourns!)

  178. The chicken looks so smug.

    I do love how every post is the “most amazing” thing that the other commentators have ever seen. I get a good laugh reading though em.

  181. Perfection!!!!!!! Going to put this on my door at work just to see how many people get it. Only then will I really know who is worth speaking to at work. HA! 🙂
    Love it!!!!
    P.S. also printing some for the kids 🙂 double thanks!

  182. YEAH! I can have my very own Beyonce… minus the rusty cut finger, tetanus shot, and pissed off husband. Well… my husband might still get pissed.. .and I guess I could get a paper cut…

  183. I want an anonymous server sponsor! Or maybe, since I am just a wee tiny blog, an anonymous “Dunkin-Donuts-Iced-Coffee-while-I-blog” sponsor.

  184. My daughter (age 5) is going to be deliriously happy. 🙂 She adores the tiny Beyonce on my windowsill. Everytime she sees it, she’s just as happy as I am. “Knock, knock!” <—I didn't teach her the rest. 😉 She's going to be delighted.

    Anonymous server people, we love you!

  185. Amazing! Thank you, I’m totally printing one of those out for my cubby at school. I’m even eating a popsicle RIGHT NOW so I’ll be all set once it is printed.

  186. I’m gonna make a mask out of mine… then stick my tongue through so it looks like a penis. Because that’s exactly how I get people to stop talking to me at work.

  187. My 12 year old son would like to comment that the Beyonce puppet would look much better if she was holding a shiv. But what else would as 12 year old boy say?

  188. OMFG WIN. My husband can now wake up with Beyonce! This is awesome. I’m going to have to make a dozen copies…

  190. Are you winning eBay auction item #170800101468? It is SO you! And Victor couldn’t argue, it is even USEFUL!

  191. I printed one of for my teenage son and left it in his room. When he found it, he came after it with me shouting, “Stand back! This chicken with paper cut you!”

  192. ZOMFG PUPPET! I may actually burst with bursting, and my insides would go everywhere, but that’s ok because this puppet has made me so happy that MY INSIDES HAVE TURNED TO RAINBOWS AND GLITTER! … sorry for shouting, I’m just super excited.

  193. Dear Ms. Bloggess,
    Hate to start a note saying I’m a huge fan since this channels cheerful images such as Kathy Bates leaning over a brass bed with a sledge hammer, but yes, I adore you. I love Juanita in her frilly frock, and thought I’d seen a recent post where you offered posters (albeit in a small size) of Juanita donning said apron. I recently finished a kitchen remodel, and can’t think of anything more appropriate to display in a gaudy gilt frame beside the wall ovens. You know, because motherfucking things get ruined in those ovens….

    Please, please….I NEED JUANITA ON A POSTER CURSING AT THAT MOTHERFUCKING SOUFFLE. Or, an 8×10 print. I’m flexible.

    I’d be so very grateful to buy one from your Zazzle store should you be so inclined.

    Play Misty for Me with love-
    Natty

  194. I’ll take things that’ll result in disciplinary action for $1000, Alex.

    I’m ridiculously excited to take Beyonce to work. I hope he’s not squeamish

  196. I read this post to my fiance. And he said: “Sometimes I think you are Beyonce the metal chicken and you’re a cyborg here to peck me to death in my sleep.”

  198. Ooo! I totally feel like I am WINNING! Puppets…YEAY! Dang it…I am off work till Monday. And my roommate is going out of town. Maybe I will have to have a random bus Beyonce-ing….

  199. My 27th birthday is exactly 3 weeks away. Beyonce will be my party favor for my guest…and I will post pictures of my family. Maybe I will even try to work some computer magic and make us all Beyone masks and have a Beyone the Giant Metal Chicken Themed Party just to prove to them how famous you are and how batshit crazy I am.

  202. Hell, there goes the surprise. I tried to print but I’m on the “good” computer, which apparently only works for my damn husband. I had WANTED to make an awesome Beyonce puppet as fun way to greet hime when he got home from work (I was going for the two sided style, because I’m fancy like that),
    but it’s NOT FUCKING WORKING!!!

    Gah.
    Thank you though. That was a very generous thing you did.
    Once more, it’s not you. It’s me.

    Oh, and speaking of me, I forgot to mention, this is me. The witchy Julie, not the others. Not that they probably aren’t wonderful Julies too, just they’re not me. (Today, lucky them.)

  204. O.M.F.G.!!!!

    THANK YOU ANONYMOUS SERVER PROVIDER!!

    This is fantabulous!! I started checking out your blog because I saw the picture of Beyonace saying “knock, knock, motherfucker” on Pinterest of all places. This is so awesome, and I can’t stop crying with laughter whenever I read your posts!

    AWESOME!!!

  205. My colleagues and attendings and fellows….I am going to plaster this beautiful prize in all 5 units where I work. I think the Emergency Dept. might be the only scoffers. Woooohoooo!!!!

  206. This is a real SHITTY time to be out of printer paper. I think this is the universe trying to vex me. Fuck!

  208. If I can find a lamination machine I am going to laminate a bunch of these in various sizes and stick them in my chicken coup. Yes, I have chickens. Yes they are going to enjoy this cartoon chicken. Because I tell them to. Sanity? Not on my watch!

  209. Based on puppet shenanigans (followed by some internet sleuthing), I’m thinking we have the same hosting company. They are awesome!

  210. How wonderful! And score on the Beyonce puppet! I’m not sure if I’ll share it with my kids. I’m considering keeping it my car so that when someone pisses me off I can “flip them the Beyonce”.

  211. Just saw a review of your book in the latest edition of Whole Living magazine. I squee’d. It was fun.

  212. Wow. Clearly you’re awesome enough that other companies will buy you expensive things just to make sure your site is available AT ALL TIMES. That’s some level of awesome.

  214. Since walking into work this morning, I’ve already seen four Beyonce puppets in various places… and the best part of that is: I wasn’t the one who put them up everywhere, there’s at least one other person in my office who is almost as cool as me…. almost. Yay for Beyonce… and companies buying you stuff because they’re just as addicted as the rest of us! =)

  215. Printed and displayed! All is right with the world when you have a Beyonce on your desk!!! Thank you Jenny. Yay! Puppets!! #furiouslyhappyandsmiling

  216. YEAH WordPress! Now my favorite blogger is finally on my favorite platform! And thank you Dreamhost for making it happen!!! (I think they deserve a little credit)

  217. This looks like a great thing to have at work and have my boss look at me and sigh and say “Oh, Jen” in that way that she sometimes does.

  220. I love the Beyonce paper puppet!

    On a completely different note…is it wierd that I had a dream last night that you and I were evading police capture by hiding out in a department store in Cairo that happened to sell mini metal Beyonces? And that at one point – in the dream – I broke out in a “real” Beyonce song and dance number (I think it was Crazy in Love, or something) in order to entertain an elderly man with his hands down his pants?
    What could that possibly mean?

  221. My co-worker and I printed them out and giggled for several minutes. I instantly cut mine out and taped it to a pencil that is now sitting in my pen holder. That’s right, Beyonce now is monitoring everything that goes on in the office. She is a wise, but cold observer.

    We even have tiny golf pencils that tiny Beyonce fits perfectly on. I use mini-Beyonce more. I don’t want to intimidate the patrons coming into my library. Big Beyonce is only to be used in extreme need.

    Apparently our library doesn’t have any books about giant metal chickens. That’s a shame: http://www.flickr.com/photos/16574078@N08/6987956319/in/photostream

  222. Thank you, anonymous private hosting server people – you are also as awesome as the Bloggess, Wil Wheaton, Juanita and a ball of twine!

  223. I adore this, because I have an odd fascination with chickens. I kind of love them in a weird sense, but anyway it’s also awesome because it’s associated with you, so it’s a double win 🙂 Anyway, it’s awesome that you got your site back cause I adore your blog. I wouldn’t know what to do with out it!

  224. So . . . Nathan Fillian helped fix your problem by ignoring the twine? I just want to make sure I understand how the “Nathan Fillian solves my problems by ignoring me” thing works. Because this is pretty awesome and I really need to find someone to fix my retaining wall. Do you think I’ll be lucky enough to get Nathan to ignore me too? /crosses fingers/

  225. I am truly inspired, I believe I will paper my entire kitchen with Beyonce. It will give the relatives something to talk about during the next family reunion…….

  226. My girlfriend saw the awesome puppet of Beyonce that is “like Mother Teresa, only better” and she was sooo thrilled and excited because she thought that there was also a giant Mother Teresa puppet that she could print so they can fight. yea. Not so sure Mother Teresa fights…but anyways I told I would ask because if someone could make a giant Mother Teresa puppet that could fight the giant Beyonce puppet-it would be you.

    She says “I’m still waiting for my giant, paper Mother Teresa puppet, so it can fight with the giant metal paper chicken puppet”

    If you can provide this I promise to send pictures of the fighting-it would be epic.

  227. So, I live near the little town where the giant fire was this fall (the fire that was so close to Austin – perhaps you remember it? Or at least breathed in all of the smoke?)… and while driving in said town, near the rail road tracks (draw your own conclusions) is a house with not one but 3 (yes 3!) giant metal chickens in the yard. While driving by one day, I tried to convince my husband that our soon to be rebuilt house NEEDED one of these… but he didn’t get it. I’m very confused because right now, much of our landscape around the new yet to be finished house is black and grey and really, what could possibly make it look better than a giant metal chicken in the front yard? Aside from green trees? And taking away the RV where we live now? Honestly, it might look better in front of the RV but no one was considerate enough to complete my hill billy look by gifting me with a giant chicken when we moved into the RV. So, I think that I still need the chicken in front of the house just so that I can remember the good ol days of living in a house on wheels. (And also partly to get back at my husband who still does not get the need for real chickens to lay eggs for us… sigh.) My quest continues for the real metal thing, but at least now, I can print a paper version! Thanks!

  228. Sigh.

    Your blog is the bane of middle-aged women’s panties. There’s only so much LOLing our urethras can take.

  230. Totally using these for the favor at my baby shower (making them into fans…)

    PLEEEEEAAASE tell me that the next one will be Juanita!!

  231. Okay, I just have to show you this. Seriously, click this, it’s not a joke, and it’s not even me plugging my blog.

    http://alisonsboomstick.blogspot.com/p/i-dont-know-what-this-is.html

    It’s a picture of this evil chicken hand puppet with the caption “Your Doggy is Never Coming Home” and I have no idea why it exists. I seriously found it in a magazine in 2001 and tore it out and framed it and it now hangs in my childhood bedroom closet. And, while it has never before reminded me of Beyonce, it TOTALLY looks like cartoon Beyonce! Maybe you and Wil Wheaton (sometimes it’s hard not to type “Whil”) and Simon Pegg are famous enough to get to the bottom of this???

  232. Dearest Bloggess,

    YOU FUCKIN’ ROCK!!! My wife reads to me from your blog nightly and(don’t tell her), I think I’m in love!!! You are right up my ally, Sister Mary Fuckin’ Sunshine… LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your outlook on life ( call me…)

    Yours Truley,

    The FHAKING

  233. Congrats on the book! I can’t wait to read it. I’m a new fan; you had me at Wil Wheaton collating papers. I normally don’t leave comments because I’m too busy being fabulous, but I am making an exception in your case, just for a chance at a free book. And audiobook.

    Thank you for being part of what makes my own life fabulous.

    Sincerely,

    Andrea

  234. Dearest Bloggess,

    YOU F—IN’ ROCK!!! My wife reads to me from your blog nightly and(don’t tell her), I think I’m in love!!! You are right up my ally, Sister Mary F—in’ Sunshine… LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your outlook on life ( call me…)

    Yours Truley,

    The FHAKING

  236. The Mighty Beyonce Chicken now has a home beside bobblehead Darth and my stuffed ninja. Because people here don’t think I’m crazy enough yet…

  237. I burnt my oatmeal today while I was trying to save the world…………..bummer. Preordered 2 copies of your book last month…………..HURRY UP AMAZON!!!

  238. As I sit here waiting for a video to render on FinalCut Pro, I decided to revive my stressed out soul and come to you in order to do so. Then, I realized, your book is coming out next month. This news, as well as your humor has saved my life, just as it does when I’m on the ledge due to an over abundance of grad school work.

    THANK YOU!

  239. I laughed until I cried on the Beyonce post and am hoping to win your book by commenting.

  240. Whoa- I just recently found your site- and LOVE it. I’m already making Beyonce puppets and Unicorn success club stickers. This could be dangerous! Thanks for saying things the rest of us only wish we could say… and other stuff we still haven’t even dreamed up yet. 🙂 And for the chance to win your book- it looks amazing.

  241. I cant wait to read this book..I know it has a lot of informative and useful inside your book..Reading your books help me to relieve some pain..

  242. This chicken will [paper] cut you! Left a Beyonce in hubby’s laptop, surprise MF!

  243. OMG OMG OMG!! This is the BEST gift you have EVER given us!! I just put one on my coworkers computer. She’s going to have a shit fit when she sees it!! AAAHHH!! I’m thinking of printing out 100 of them and just passing them around. I <3 The Bloggess and Beyonce!!!

  244. I’m waiting to read this book. this is very informative and very detailed. thanks for this update!

  246. I have moved offices and have lost my chicken. Can you link to the print out again? I don’t see it in the side bar.

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