If it's Tuesday this must be New York

in Random Crap

My book comes out today!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BUY IT.  For the next week and a half I’ll be on book tour so please, for the love of God, come see me so I’m not alone.  Click here for details on the tour.  Today I’m in New York.  I’ll be posting here when I have time but I’m also posting some of my favorite posts from the past 5 years.  This one was from 2009…

So  tonight I was walking my dog and  thinking about what I should blog about this week because most of the posts in my draft folder are kinda half-written and don’t really have an ending and I was thinking that maybe I should throw myself in front of a car because that would at least give me something to write about and then I thought “Wow.  There’s something really wrong with me.  Maybe I need more meds”, but then I didn’t even have to maim myself because

I FOUND A MUSHROOM SHAPED LIKE A BOOB.

Probably the sexiest mushroom ever.
Probably the sexiest mushroom ever.

Fucking for real, y’all. It’s like God was all “Damn, what’s with the deathwish, bitch?  I already gave you rheumatoid arthritis.  That’s not enough for you? So selfish.”  And then He’s all “You know what?  Fine. Just throw yourself in front of a car.  I’m out, dumbass.”  But then He remembered my granny who is awesome and God-fearing and prays for me all the time and He probably sighed all grudgingly, like “Damn it. I totally owe Granny.  Fine. I’ll give you this one.”  Then, BAM! Boobie mushroom.    And now I don’t even have to throw myself in front of a car.  In fact, I think I could probably never post again and this blog would still considered successful just on the merit of this one boob God left on my lawn.

It's like when you see the Virgin Mary in a tortilla except instead it's a boob on the ground. Either way, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to profit from it.
It's like when you see the Virgin Mary in a tortilla, except instead it's a boob on the ground. Either way, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to profit from it. Please send me a dollar.

PS.  I took like 18 photos of the boobie mushroom and the whole time my neighbor was giving me this look like “The fuck?” and so I started also taking pictures of my kid and the mailbox and random shit to throw him off because I didn’t want him to notice the boobie mushroom because I was afraid he might have a blog too and post about it first.  So yeah…I do think there’s probably something wrong with me.  I mean, my neighbor doesn’t even speak English so even if he does have a blog we probably have a different audience.  There could be some cross-over with my bilingual readers though so I don’t think I’m completely overreacting.

PPS.   You know what?  Fuck him.  His granny didn’t go to church every Sunday for 70 years so her granddaughter could find this boobie mushroom.  I am totally going out to smash it right now so he can’t put it on his blog, which may or may not exist.

PPPS.  Okay, I didn’t do it.  Partially because it felt wrong to destroy a boobie mushroom that God made.  And also because when I was little I heard that if you squash mushrooms, fairies will attack you.  Mostly that second one.  I’ve probably revealed too much about myself here but you know what?  Doesn’t even matter:  Magical .boobie. mushroom. It’s kind of so awesome I could write anything here and no one would even notice.  It’s like peeing behind the Pope.  Most of the people there are too into the Pope to notice and if they do notice it’s probably because they weren’t paying enough attention to the Pope.  It’s like a Pope test.  If you’re distracted by a little urine you lose your turn with the Pope and have to go to the back of the line.  If I was the Pope I’d have someone peeing behind me all the time.  That would be awesome.

PPPPS.  This may be my last post ever because where do you go from here?  I’m totally like Eva Peron right before she got cancer.

Comment of the day: You should totally throw a thin white t-shirt over it and water it. Oh, wait, I forgot.  I’m a lady. Don’t do that. That’s offensive. ~ harmzie

272 thoughts on “If it's Tuesday this must be New York”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Hilarious!!! How in the world does a mushroom like that turn up in your yard? Seriously . It was made for you!! And thankfully you didn’t have to dodge a car which would have made the book tour kind of hard. Can’t wait until you come to San Antonio!!

  4. So I’ve never commented before, but here I am declaring my appreciation for you.

    You are excellent and rad and you are how I feel on the inside.

  5. Amazing. But, em, I don’t think there’s any air or space left for me to really comment after all those post scripts. So I’ll leave it at that.

  7. You REALLY should have scheduled a book signing in Philadelphia. Because I’m here. But maybe that’s why you didn’t. I fucking knew it. Thanks a lot.

  8. I would so not attack you if you had stepped on the mushroom…..haunt you, yes, but attack, nay. Too conventional and predictable. Okay, I’m just glad I spelled those right. Have fun on tour!

  9. I’m second in line on the library queue for the Audiobook….because memoirs read by their authors are a million times better 🙂

  11. That is seriously the most creepy disgusting fungus I’ve ever seen. Seriously looks like someone’s boob was chopped off and thrown aside.

  12. You totally need to make sure your neighbor isn’t stealing your blog fodder. That shit gets so annoying. I’ve had some really great blog posts all but copied by bloggers who are way more popular and famous than I am (which isn’t saying much). My armpit vagina post? Yep…nearly verbatim plagarized. My awesome video of how super awesomely french toilets flush? You know it…appeared within 24 hrs in almost identical format. So yeah, watch out for that neighbor! He may not have gotten the boobbie mushroom, but I would betcha dude has started blogging about Beyonce.

  17. A – how interesting that your book comes out on the Pope’s birthday – does that mean if people celebrate your book then they get sent to the back of the Pope line? It’s like your book pees behind the Pope…

    B – My book is sitting beside me – saying “hey – put on your reading glasses and read me NOW” then I said “but I’m reading the blog… and the book had no response.

  18. j,
    “I’ll be posting here when I have time but I’m also posting some of my favorite posts from the past 5 years. This one was from 2009…” So yes, you may have seen this before.
    ~jen

  19. I’m so thankful for you right now. I was able to share this blog post with my girlfriend who thinks I’m crazy because I see boobs in seemingly everyday objects. When we were hanging out at a hotel lobby one morning after a concert and late night of drinking, a little kid walked through the lobby with a hat on that I truly thought was a boob hat. Turns out, it was supposed to be an owl.

  22. I once found a tomato that was exact replica of a mans pelvic region. Front and back. True story.

  25. When my son was very young he asked why my breast looked like a banana? Lovely. After a vigorous weight-lifing regime I got them where they appear more as peaches, or at least that is what I thought — until today. Seems I’ve got mushrooms.

  26. Reminds me of the boobie hats that babies are wearing now since there are evidently some “omg you’re breastfeeding in public” asshats out there. I did make one for a friend’s baby – they’re hysterical. And, sadly, she was harrassed by some witch when feeding even tho baby and boobie were totally covered. I hope the witch has an infestation of boobie mushrooms in her yard.

  27. My kid is terrified of mushrooms in the yard. I wonder if I we grew some of these puppies he’d get a complex about boobs too? Just enough to scare him away from them for the next twenty years or so…

    But then again, he also loves to eat mushrooms, so that plan could totally backfire. Damn.

    Congrats on the book!

  30. I have a direct hotline to God, and I know for a fact that He would want you to smash that mushroom. There are lots of bloggers out there. Sure, you blogged about it FIRST, but one of them might have a unique angle. You’d be like Bob Dylan, innovating all these new compositions while hip youngsters like…the Byrds, I guess?…remake your original concepts into fame-making masterworks.

    Don’t be Bob Dylan. Smash the mushroom.

  31. I don’t know about you, but if I had come across that thing in the night, I would have lost my shit and called the cops because clearly murder happened. And then I would have been embarrassed in front of a whole bunch of people when the cops showed up just to tell me that it was a fungus. And then I would have to point out that if it were Criminal Minds, I totally would have been right. Now where’s Spencer Reid?

  34. I’ve have photographed a few mushrooms in my day, and they didn’t remind me of boobs, unless you included old granny boobs that have been out in the sun too long. Seen a few phallic ones. You need to add one of those, phallic, to your mushroom/fungi as sex objects photos – so there that is a reason not to throw yourself in front of a car, or bus, or truck, or even Victor. You’re welcome for me giving a reason to live; ther than your family and new coonskin cap, which does not look happy at all.

  35. The only thing better than mushroom boob would have been to have another one growing right next to it. That would have been awesome. Of course, they probably would not have been close enough to the same size and then it would look like a woman that had had one augmented but decided to keep the other one original. Either to be nostalgic or just ran out of money and paid for one anyway.

    Either way, BOOBIE MUSHROOM!!!

  36. Ewwww. Just, ewwww. Oh! And I bought the book! It’s downloading now! Just don’t wait 10 years for the next one, or we’ll all get stabby.

  37. I was in the middle of re-reading this post (just the boobie mushroom part was RE-reading, since I read that part the first time. But I digress…) when Book People (the Austin bookstore, not just some random readers) called to tell me that my copy of your book was now in the store. Color me excited and amazed at the coincidenceness of the universe! I’ll be heading down there right after work to pick up YOUR book (technically, it will be MY book after I pay for it but you wrote it, so…) and I’m going to start reading it on the drive back home. If I survive that, I’ll see you next Wednesday here in Austin at Book People (again, the store). And then you can sign my book and then afterwards we can go get some booze slushies and you can laugh at me while I do stand-up comedy … shitfaced. (The stand-up comedy part is true. And hopefully the signing part, too.)

  38. Hilarious. I wasn’t following you in 2009, so had never seen this post.

    I even shared it with my office-mate, who laughed hysterically, too. Nice.

  39. I had a double mastectomy two years ago and I’m thinking that I could have saved so much time and effort if I could have just found some of these boobie mushrooms instead of having reconstruction! Maybe this is a marketing miracle?… okay nobody steal that, this is how I will make my first million, now to find the mushrooms!

  40. Wauw. You’re a seriously great blogger if you can repost an old post and still make people excited. Also, yay! I really missed the boob posts!

  41. I’ll be at the signing in NY today 😀 Very excited. I even called ahead to reserve my copy of the book.

  42. This post made my fucking day. So very rarely does a blog make me laugh out loud. Thank you.

    Also, huzzah to my wonderful husband who just emailed me to say he bought me your book 😀

  43. AWESOME BOOB!!!! It’s pale like it has never seen the sun (like most of our boobs unless we go to South Beach or South America), and the nipple is slightly darker. Perfect blog material, which is one of the reasons you are such a smashing success. Many congrats on your book!!! It’s ALL the rage on the blogosphere.

  45. Sadly, you’re not coming to Hungary on your book tour. I’d totally go and see you then. 🙂

  46. You picked a great old post, I laughed just as much this time as the first time I read it! I have already ordered your book from Amazon, I assume it should be here any day. 🙂 And keeping my fingers crossed to see you in S.A., hopefully the hubby gets home so I can go kid-free! Enjoy your tour, Jenny!

  47. Must be a shiitake mushroom.
    Only because it has “Tune-in Tokyo” written all over it…

    *insert laugh-tracks here*

  49. you don’t have to go to fancy schmancy LA for your signing, do you? Can’t you come to not-so-fancy-or-schmancy Ontario, CA? We have an airport! And a Target! And…..well, that’s pretty much the high points. Think about it!

  50. I’m sitting at my desk laughing my face off and my co-workers are staring at me. Makes me wanna whip out a boob and shake it at them.

    I’m glad that happened to you and not to me. Besides, my dog probably would’ve squatted right over it.

    Still ROTFL and will probably continue the indelicate snorting part for the rest of the afternoon.

  52. Hysterical. So, reiterating my tweet of earlier this morning – I fucking love you. Happy Book Release Day!

  53. I squeed with joy when I saw your book at Target today! Good luck on the tour! I wish I could get into the city tonight to experience the wonder and majesty that is you!

  54. I am so sad that I can’t come to your book signing today, I’ll be at a concert instead 🙁 I’m sure it won’t be half as awesome as seeing you in person. But at least I got my signed bookplate so I can tell people that I met you and you signed this for me – although i guess I should try and personalize it so they’re more likely to believe me, which involves disguising my handwriting so people don’t know it was me and really, it would have been much less work to just see you in the first place.

  55. If only you had had the foresight to harvest it and cultivate it. If you sold those on your website you’d be a FRICKIN’ GAZILLIONAIRE by now. There’s not a guy out there who didn’t wish those things grew on trees.

  56. The book store opened at 8am this morning, I purchased it by 8:01. The cashier couldn’t fathom my excitement as I beelined to the copies they had on hand and he seemed quite confused while I giddily held out my debit card for him to swipe. I am now patiently awaiting the arrival of my lunch hour to crack the book open. The anticipation is causing the clock to tick backwards.

    I must say I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited for a book to come out as I am with this one. I thank you in advance for the though provoking entertainment I’m sure your book will bring me.

    Congrats on the writing chapter being closed, and good luck on this next chapter and your tour!

  57. Ok…seriously… can I have a bobcat? Does your dad still keep them? I want a bobcat!! Not a magical one…. please. I mean… if he wants to stuff it I guess that is ok, but …still…BOBCAT!

  58. Last night I got my digital copy of your book and I CAN’T STOP READING IT! Also, the hardcover book is on it’s way to my house #furiouslyhappy

  59. Awesome pic!! By the way – I tell everyone we are best friends. Even though we have never met. Still.

  60. I’m a little depressed that I’ve never found a magical boobie mushroom, but I have found plenty of vaguely penis-ish ones that make me uncomfortable. Catholic guilt, you know. Thou shalt not look at any penis that isn’t there to impregnate you. Or something.

  61. my copy of the book is right now downloading to my kindle… I can’t wait to read it. I’m also super jealous that I didn’t see a boobie mushroom…. all I’ve ever seen is vagina trees…. and who hasn’t seen those?

  63. I remember that post! My book came today, and I am loving it. I am already on Chapter 11 (but this has nothing to do with bankruptcy) and have only been reading less than a half-hour! Wow, wish I were still in school, but I retired at the end of the school year in 2002.

    I put in my signed bookplate first thing.

    Thank you for sharing your life. Signed, The person whose daddy took her along to fetch doves when the dog had a sore foot.

  64. Sent this post to my BFF. The beginning sounded like we could have written it. We constantly joke around and say “shoot me in the face”. When my ex one day said it himself, I stopped EVERYTHING & looked at him like WTF. “You’re NOT allowed to say that. Only me & Beth. Because we are actually on the verge of suicide once in awhile and would actually like someone to shoot us in the face. You’re NOT crazy enough to say that. Take some lithium, then we’ll talk.” Hence why he’s my EX. (His stupidity. Not my antidepressant habit…)

  66. Seattle really is a lovely city, you should come here and sign some books at Elliott Bay bookstore or maybe a Barnes and Noble or something. Seattle is your kind of town, we have a giant XANAX Salt lick at the SAM Sculpture Park.

  69. That’s the freakiest mushroom ever!

    Oh, BTW, reading your book now. It’s super-duper awesome!!

  70. So, what I got out of this post is that if I pee behind you while I am in line for the book signing in Austin and am noticed, I will have to go to the back of the line. Seriously. No one would see me because you are way funnier than the Pope (and the Bible)…I hope my granny prays for me because I am going to hell for that one, lol!

  71. I so totally wish you were coming to Calgary Alberta.
    I would be first in line with my copy and then I would personally take you to the Torrington Gopher Hole Museum. Taxidermied gophers in great little costumes and scenes. When I ever I drive past the sign for it I think of you.

  72. Where do you go from mushroom boob? I’m pretty sure this can only be topped by jesus on toast, mary on a muffin, or of course, any number of Juanita weasels running through the forest.

    Vag in a flower?

  73. I got your book for me and the cd for my daughter-in-law. The cd came today and my cat Sydney climbed into the box and started licking her lady garden in your honor.

  74. I so wish I was in NY right now! Not that you’d recognize me or anything, but still.
    Have a great time! And eat a Krispy Kreme for me.

  75. I totally want to come see you in Austin! I totally don’t want to pay $10 to wait at the end of the line because I was AWESOME and pre-ordered the e-book! :/

  76. I’m so sad…your book-signing in Dallas is at the exact same time as my linguistics class. 🙁

    Are you sure can’t stick around an extra day up here?

  77. I’m gnashing my teeth and rending my garments at the fact you aren’t gracing the metro Detroit area with any appearances. However, the offering of the titacular mushroom slightly soothed me.

  78. It doesn’t get more awesome than orderthat! Well, maybe it does because today I got the email: your Amazon.com order has shipped. My book will arrive on Thursday and ima stay up all night and read it!

  84. Remind me to send you pictures of the penis cupcakes we made a coworker one year for her birthday. You’ll laugh your ass off.

  85. Jenny!
    I just wanted to let you know I bought the ONLY COPY of your book my bookstore got in today. Seriously. The woman who gave it to me told me it was the only copy they got in.

    And it’s mine!

  88. Your mushroom boobie story so totally makes me want to get back into blogging. What are the chances of finding blog fodder like that?!?! The gods are truly on your side.

  89. Kind of reminds me of the perfectly penis shaped butternut squash I recently freaked the teenage supermarket checkout girl with.

  93. Oh crap. I’ll never make it up there in time. Wish you’d tweeted this like hours ago when I could have made up some excuse at work like I had the plague or I was bleeding out of my lady garden and had to flee the office. Damn.

  94. We should trend #mushroomboobie on Twitter, in honor of Jenny’s book release. Since book is one letter away from boob.

  96. I think I just peed in my pants laughing. Too bad the pope’s not around!

  97. The second I leave my office tonight, I am hauling ass up to B&N to see you! I’m so excited!!! In case my pre-ordered book doesn’t get delivered to me before I get uptown to see you, will you sign my anxiety medication bottle instead of my book?! K thanks, bye!

  98. Hi! Just got the sample of your book on my Kindle and I was reading it at lunch and it made me laugh out loud in many, many places! I will definately be buying this one! Great book! 🙂

  99. This was the very first post of yours that I ever read! You had me at “Boobie,” and I’ve adored you ever since. I once read this post to my 80-year old mother (I did replace swear words with milder ones), who laughed so hard it was a little alarming!

    I love you Jenny. 🙂
    Sandra

  100. I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I love my UPS driver who delivered it to me today! I love Amazon for letting me preorder it! I love how my signed bookplate looks on the inside cover! I LOVE YOU, JENNY!!! …now leave me the hell alone so I can read already…

  103. I already bought your book on my kindle but I would buy a real copy of it if you’d only come somewhere close to Ohio 🙁

  105. It’s here! It’s here! My 17 year old is on soccer driving duty, my husband is on dinner duty and I’m going to hide and read!

  106. OK, fine. But I’m only buying it if you promote it over here. At my house. I live in Wales. OK? It’s by the sea, so it’s quite nice really. See you soon 🙂

  107. Holy crap, woman! I just received, in the mail, my signed book card and it. is. awesome. For a couple of reasons: 1~because hello, I just received something in the mail from YOU!! and 2~I didn’t really think I would get one because I live in remote Alaska and we have to use P.O. boxes and so I did the trick where we put our box number and then our street and it WORKED!! I got it in the mail yesterday and I am so excited!!! (can you tell??) YAY!!!

  109. oh, i will see you los angeles, whether you want to see me, or not… apparently my book arrives on Thursday, so i can bring it with me and take a picture of you signing it. and a picture of you looking terrified with me next to you. 🙂

    trying to rally the troops, but they don’t even come to my performances (LA is flakey), so getting people to do anything is borderline miracle.

  110. WHOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I just got notice from Amazon that my book is on it’s WAY! WHOOOO HOOOOOO….Looking forward to my ‘card with your signature’ on it to put in the book! Can’t wait to read it…HEY maybe I shouldn’t crack the spine it will be a CLASSIC someday I’m sure! A collectors item…

  111. Hmmm… so… this has nothing to do with this post but…
    The feed button is not working. Anyone knows what I’m doing wrong? Anyone? I mean, I get the tweets, but I was just wondering if there was a faster way to get the updates.
    You can click on my name and leave me a message. Or reply here. I don’t know. Thanks.

  113. Wow, that mushroom is more stacked than I am, if you know what I mean. I wonder what cup size that thing would need? You should have measured it!! That way I could have found a bra specifically to fit the mushroom boob. I know, I know, most bras require two boobies, so this is why I shall make a bra for the mushroom boob. ONE cup of mushroom boob. Now that sounds like a line in a recipe. But who eats mushroom boob?

    I bought your book Jenny because it was recommended by Amazon.com that I do so and because you make me laugh. But mostly because you make me laugh.

  115. Snagged my copy today and was cracking up so hard while reading on my break that I had to read passages out loud to two intrigued co-workers–both of whom are off to find their own copies! What? My mom never taught me to share, ok?

  121. PPS Why, when you order a book on amazon dont they send it early so it actually arives ON the actual release day? Because now everyone else is already reading it and I have to wait. And I guess theres no way Hubby could have known that but still I blame him because he’s he easiest to blame and, well, because Amazon doesn’t care probably because why would they, they already got their money. Whatever.

  123. New York, too far. Baton Rouge is in the ballpark, but you’re not even booked in New Orleans. I could make it to Fred’s Lounge in Mamou or the Texaco in Cut and Shoot.

  124. Your book is waiting for me on my iPad. I feel like one of the cool kids. Woohoo!

  126. I am anxiously awaiting Amazon’s delivery of my pre-ordered book…unfortunately it hasn’t even shipped yet 🙁

  127. I am coming to see you in Dallas. You’re on my schedule, in ink, and hubby has been informed that there will be no “working late” on the 26th. My Unicorn Success Club shirt is ready to go. The only thing that could get me more excited is if you were arriving by Tardis with David Tennant (my very favorite Doctor). Can’t wait!!!!

  128. love, love, LOVE you! I got your book on my Nook, and my daughter bought a hard copy on line; she could.not wait to get the bound book so we went to B & N and she got the book on CDs. Just wish you were visiting Willow Grove Pa, so we could come to meet you and get your autograph. Your reading is great and makes it feel like you are right there, talking like friends.
    Best wishes on yout tour.
    Wendy

  129. PS I think a round photoscupture magnet should be made from an overhead shot of the shroom. I would so totally buy two at least.

  130. MY BOOK IS HERE MY BOOK IS HERE GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY MY BOOK IS HERE!!! SQUEE!!!

  132. Trying my darndest to get to Marin to see you on Friday! If I do make it, anything you want me to bring you? Cookies, strong liquor, dead animals?

  133. A few days ago, after a horrible week, I received a little envelope in the mail containing my signed bookplate. Yay! Today, while sick in bed and feeling generally horrid, I received an e-mail from Amazon that my book is on its way. Double yay! Basically, this book has been a little ray of sunshine for me, and I haven’t even received it yet. Can’t wait!

  134. I started reading your book on my lunch break and couldn’t put it down. Its a bit awkward to be laughing that hard at my desk. And its not like you can really explain it by saying “her dad made a puppet out of a dead and still bleeding squirrel” – that just makes for more questions really…

  135. Your book is on its way to me RIGHT NOW. Amazon told me so. Of course, it isn’t supposed to get here until Friday. But I figure that means I can stay up all night reading it and drinking scotch (does it go with scotch?) and then re-read all weekend. I’m very excited.
    🙂

  136. A friend of mine just posted on FB a photo of the sign announcing your book signing tonight. SO JEALOUS OF HIM. Sadly, my body decided to rebel and I can’t even walk because of serious back spasms, much less travel into the city 🙁 I am UBER SAD I can’t meet you, but then 45 seconds really wouldn’t be long enough to tell you how much I adore you and what you have done for me.

  138. I am experiencing Déjà vu on this boob fungus post or am I stuck in a groundhog day loop????
    Have fun on your book tour!

  139. UPS IS HOLDING MY BOOK HOSTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  140. As of 9pm tonight….look at you!

    Amazon results:
    #28 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
    #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > United States > Humor
    #4 in Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor
    #6 in Books > Biographies & Memoirs > Memoirs

    Woohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray for you! 🙂

  143. I got my book today! Plus the signed bookplate! Woo hooo!! I would definitely have come to meet you if I was anywhere near one of those tour spots. Good luck!! (not that you will need it – there will be crowds I am very sure)

  144. Moob is taken so what can we call it? Mushoob? Mu’Boobie? That sounds like a Disney character so maybe not. Although a mushroom shaped like a boobie is not out of the realms of possibility for a Disney character.

    “Mu’Boobie – putting the ‘fun’ into ‘fungi'”

  145. Your book reading/signing in NYC was fantastic! You did a perfect job of being perfectly you – which is purely awesome.

  146. First time commenter

    Am I the only one who suddenly started singin….”Boob on the ground. Boob on the ground. Bloggess is lookin at the boob on the ground. I apologize

  147. Molly April 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm
    Now you just need to plant some Hydnora africana in your yard, and wait for them to flower — then you’ll have the full set! FLESHY VAGINA-LOOKALIKE FLOWERS THAT SMELL LIKE FECES. Oh, Mother Nature, you card. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydnora_africana

    oh duuuuuuude. wow. this blog, man… YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME. Did I say awesome? I mean sick. Sick with the diseaseOF BEING AWESOME. We blow Barney Stinson right outta the water.

  148. Damn, a boob in the grass is NOT better than a book in hand, mail box was empty.
    A T-shirt with the Boob in the Grass, please. AND I may need to steal the photo for a book cover while reading on the bus to work, would go great with the title of your book.

  150. Amazon just notified me that my books had shipped! I’ve got my autographed bookplate (for my copy) a second copy for my bestest friend, and all that’s missing is you —– in Minneapolis —— a town that prides itself in its high literacy rate. Please come!

  151. I just want you to know that even though I have an iPad AND a Kindle, I am waiting for my FIRST EDITION, bookplate-signed copy of your memoir to arrive before I start reading. And reading. And reading.
    P.S. CONGRATS on the fabulous turnout in NYC tonight!!!

  152. Just bought your book on Kindle!! I’ll probably end up getting a hard copy too though…ya know…because it’s THAT awesome!!

  153. While gardening at my son’s school, I came across penis mushrooms. I kid you not. I took many pictures of said mushrooms, and if you’re interested I can send you the pictures to prove it lol!

  155. I was so excited to get the book delivered to my Kindle this morning. THEN I saw the cover was just a random pix of an elephant NOT the cover of the book. Started reading it anyway, and it is great. But I do wish it had the REAL cover.

  156. Crying with laughter at (with?) your book! Loving it, thank you so much for putting it out there! (and the kobo book cover is like the real one :o)

  159. I ordered your book from Pasadena Central Library. It’s on order, and I’m second in line; then will put my review on my blog, Goodreads, FB and all.

    Love the cover of your book; – you go girl!

  160. I downloaded your book at midnight on my kindle and read about 4 chapters before meds kicked in then about
    10 am my doorbell rang…BOOK. Mail came about 1pm and there was your signed thingy. Color me happy!!!!

  162. I am totally mad at Amazon right now! I ordered your book months ago, but Amazon says I won’t get it until SATURDAY! I am so tempted to just download a Kindle copy today.

    Wait a minute… Is this some sort of conspiracy between you and Amazon to get me to buy TWO copies of your book?!? Cuz if it is, well, it’s probably going to work. Well played, Ms. Lawson. Well played.

  163. I just called my grandmother and told her she needed to start praying for me so God would make boobie mushrooms on my lawn. Her reply: ” You think I need to light a candle for that?”

    Madness is hereditary. Or infectious.

  164. Also, I wonder if you broke that up and sold pieces, if others could grow their own boobies. Dude, I think I just made you a fortune.

  165. Holy crap, I get these mushrooms in my yard all the time! Except I get them in clusters so it looks like I have trails of boobs spread out over my lawn. I sometimes take pictures of them and am always a little paranoid that someone will look through my camera and wonder why I’m taking pictures of boobs in the grass.

  170. When I saw that picture in Blog Reader I was “Wow, it really does look like a boob. Looks like your lawn’s flashing you.” Maybe you should toss it some Mardi Gras beads.

  172. Reserved my book from Amazon, so I will get your book in a few days…I can’t wait.

  173. First off I want to say I bought your book on Kindle. Half way through and I was laughing my ASS of on the Metro while going to school…ppl looked at me like I was crazy.
    Second, I wish I could see you in NY. My mom whom I live with because of medical reasons while I go to school came into my room yesterday yelling: The Bloggess is ON TELEVISION! And I had no idea what she ment and mumbled that no she wasn’t, I’d know for sure if she was. She went down and found out it was some other bloggess. She then turned the channel. We love you in this house.
    And Third…I actually can’t remember what the third was. But I love you and your book.

  174. The good news: I bought your book today.
    The bad news: I think I bought the e-book instead of the audio book.
    The ugly news: The only thing I have to read an e-book on is my iPod.

    Crap.

    Oh well, I’ll enjoy it. Even if I have to read the whole damn thing on a 1 inch screen. I have good eyes; it will be okay.

  175. Got my book today!!!!! Thank you Amazon for being so quick about it! I am getting in bed right now to start this awesome book. I also received the signed book plate today, can this day get any better!?!
    Wish you were coming to the Northwest/Portland area or within a 2 hour drive, i would totally come see you!
    Good luck on the tour!

  176. I got my three copies today in the mail. What a gift. But decided that is just not enough so I am ordering more tomorrow. I will not rest until every last firlfrined of mine has a copy of your book and a metal chicken. I have nothing but the utmostrespect, admiration and an insane amount of gratitude. Booyah! Having had one of the worse years of my life, I am looking forward to every single word. As my children say, you make me liquid and sky.

  177. Just downloaded your book from a back-door chinese download website – can’t wait to see if it’s worth the price!
    So tomorrow at work I will be listening to your book the entire time I’m performing data entry of services provided to mental health patients by the various providers in our County. My extremely dark office only has 2 “taxidermied” decor items – I got the double jackalope going on – but I definitely plan on collecting more. Thank you so much for finding a new twist to add to my already twisted inner pretzel!

    PS – Audible.com is a back-door Chinese website isn’t it?

  178. I have my book and I’m pacing myself because I don’t want it to be over but I was laughing so hard I was crying at this one point (not the boobie mushroom point; I don’t even know yet if you included that – just this one point early on that made me laugh so hard I was crying).

    Can I get a signed bookplate somehow?

    Man, do I wish I had twenty bucks so I could come see you at the Writers Guild. DAMN!

  179. Holy crap on a cracker!!! I laughed so freaking hard while reading the cow insemination chapter I puked. Seriously. Not just crying. Not just wetting pants level laughter – I actually vomited from laughing so hard. Bravo Jenny! Well done.

  180. I just finished the book Jen! Yes, I read it over a 10 hour span and completely ignored my children in that time. I also had to put on a maxipad because I pee when I laugh. Thank you childbirth. I LOVED the book! So great! It is completely refreshing to (sort of) meet someone who has similar irrational thoughts and has also almost gotten into slap fights with my husband over whether Jesus is a vombie and the impending vombie apocalypse. By the way, I would at least survive a week. The Jesus conversation just resulted in my husband becoming extremely offended and telling me “he’ll pray for me.” That’s Alabama for you. Anyway, I hope this comment doesn’t get lost in all your other comments because the fan girl in me would be crushed if you didn’t see it. I was planning to write a page long email explaining my love for your writing, but then I didn’t want you to put out a restraining order. Or block me from the blog. Or buy a handgun. Then I figured that probably why you don’t post your email address. Or maybe you do and my iPhone screen is just too small for me to see it. I have been reading for the past 10 hour after all. I’m going to wrap this incredibly long and stalker-ish comment up by saying thank you for making me feel like I’m not so crazy. Not saying that you are crazier than me. Or that your crazy at all. Okay…NECROPHELIA IS BAD.

    Haha. I think I like that. Although my go to subject changer usually involves me referring to strange moles on my skin, or asking people about their bodily fluids and/or pooping habits. Am I the only person who shits once a week and thinks that that is normal?! I know there is some other chronically constipated, extremely bored person who is still reading this post and is all like “Hell Yeah Sister!!” So cheers to being one of a kind lady-friend. You inspire me to hold my freak flag high! Although, once again, I am not insinuating that you have a freak flag. But I’m pretty sure you do, and a cute little stuffed rodent is probably holding it for you. Maybe you have an oscillating fan that makes it blow in the wind and there is a little light that shines on it and it is a battle monument. FREAKING BRILLIANT. Someone should totally hook you up with that.

    Unfortunately, your book tour is not coming to Birmingham, or Atlanta *sniffles* so my chances of meeting you are crushed for now. And I continue to make myself sound stalkery. I am totally not the stalking type. But it would make me happy if you signed my book. Well, I’d have to. It another one because I bought your Nook book. But even if I never get my future book signed, I will still post this to my newly started blog and tell all my friends to read your book! You’re welcome.

  181. I just popped onto your post about rheumatoid arthritis. I have it too. Do yourself a giant favor and quit all gluten and grains. Also, go get tested for allergies and food intolerances by a functional medicine dr. The paleo diet gave me my life back. I couldn’t walk, move, had no energy. You might not be able to quit all the drugs, but you can send smoke signals up into your body to turn off the genes or scramble them with these. Sounds crazy, but it works. Miracles. And it took my anxiety down 6 levels. Just don’t go to a Dr. If their last name is Acula. Dr.Acula might not be such a good idea. He might take all your blood. If you want more info, I’m happy to share what I’ve learned this year. Said the girl who could barely walk 6 months ago and s now hiking up mountains.

  182. PS. I love you. You don’t know it, but you have made a group of 8 friends laugh out loud. We took a cruise and Beyonce was posted all over of suite room doors. Knock knock MF….you should have seen people’s faces as they read our post it’s. Complete with chicken drawings.

  184. After posting about this delicious little nugget on my blog, I re-read my comment to you and was embarrassed by the typos. I was just REALLY excited. I’ll go with that.

    Sincerely,
    Barbie Busby
    Barbiebusby@charter.net

    P.S. I thought I would sign this second note more professionally. Somehow that makes me feel empowered and important. *nods approvingly and posts*

  185. It’s nice to be here and discover beautiful ideas like this, I want to share this one to my moms friends and pretty amazed in every lovely ideas here…

  186. Had the book on pre-order so it magically appeared on my kindle yesterday morning. I proceeded to read it all in one go, except for that one point where I blew coffee out of my nose and had to stop to dry off. Thanks for that!

  187. I’m a reader, mostly. Not a commenter. But vodka has made me brave and more importantly, so has your book. (Especially when it showed up as a “NEW” on my Nook around 12:30 AM) I’m not leaving behind a terribly humorous or insightful comment, but hell. That book is worth commenting on!

  189. What a gift. I love that I woke up to my pre-ordered Kindle version after having totally forgotten said order. Thanks for sharing this to us.

  190. Umm, didnt we go thru the whole mushroom boob situation with you a few years ago? I think you have been hitting the pain killers too hard again! Either that or was just that enthralling a second time around 😛

  191. When I was first introduced to your blog, I read backwards and about laughed myself silly, I guess I didn’t go back far enough to find the boobie mushroom post. I’m a little sad that jewel was missed, but I’m very happy you’ve reposted it so the wonderfulness can be shared again!! Have fun on the book tour!! 😀

  194. Sooooo….I am like…halfway through the book and I just started reading it last night about 10pm. I have been instructed by my husband to no longer read the book while in bed and he’s trying to sleep because apparently my laughing hysterically kept him awake. He’s just jealous because I wanted to buy him a deer sweater and I’m pretty sure that “Shut the F*&K up” actually meant “I can’t wait for Christmas, I want one NOW”. Either way…he’s got a deer sweater in his near future. AND if I dont finish the book today I will totally read it tonight whether he likes it or not. Haters.

  195. OK, SO – I have ordered your book. But when it comes, can I send it to you and have you write something pithy and fabulous in it — or even better, a blurb from you and a paw-stamp from Juanita Weasel? I promise to blog it with photos and a link to your Amazon sales page!

  196. I bought your book yesterday and have been thoroughly enjoying it! In fact, I kept waking my husband up when I was reading it last night in bed because the bed was shaking with my laughter. Victor and the bobcat had me actually crying laughing tears. Unfortunately your book tour won’t come anywhere near me…otherwise I’d totally be there!

  198. Now I’m going to be looking for mushrooms in the shape of body parts everywhere I go. Pretty sure I’ve seen penis mushrooms in the past.

  201. Just wanted you to know that I started your audio book today on my way to work and chapters 1-9 have inspired a drinking game. Everytime the word “fuck” is uttered you do a shot 🙂 Who said it would be hard to get kids to read? 🙂

  202. First time poster, long time reader. Just wanted to let you know I got my book in the mail yesterday and immediately took a picture to post on my FB page because I was just so excited! I’m saving it for a long plane ride I have in about a week so I can read it without work, kids, husband interruption!! Thanks so much for being so awesome and hilarious!!

    PS. Why aren’t you coming to the DC area on your book tour??? I’d so come see you if you were close enough!

  203. I love the boobie mushroom! I think you should wrap a pink ribbon around it and photograph it for posts in October. That way you have TOND of boobie mushroom love in october.

    Can we get a boobie Mushroom Puppet? It needs a pink ribbon too only because we are saving the boobies (mushroom)

    I got through the first three chapters last night of the book. I figured I had to since the non-existent English teacher didn’t assign it, but it was only right to act like they did so that I could drink half of the liquor.

  204. OMG…I just got my copy of your book…I can’t wait to devour it like it was bacon!!! Um…that’s just a metaphor…but if I spill bacon grease on the pages I might lick the book. YEAH YOUR BOOK HAS ARRIVED!!!

  205. Started reading my book last night and laughed so hard had to change the sheets. “Note to self, wear depends when you read this book”. I haven’t gotten through one page that I haven’t laughed out loud, and then I think, “Wow, am I being cruel laughing at this poor girl and her totally screwed situations? Naaahhh”
    Tears are running down my face and my leg from laughing so hard.

  206. First time commenter although I’ve read your blog since shortly after Christmas 2010 so the ‘boobie mushroom’ is new to me. Your book is wonderful in the most positive sense of that word. Keep your chin up during your book tour. You’ll be great. If we had any bookstores near us and if you were coming to that bookstore, I’d definitely be there to cheer you on.

  207. I got my email notification yesterday that my preorder of your book has shipped!! Can’t wait to get it in my hands!!!! So excited! Wish you were coming to Canada because I would come to your book tour FOR SURE!!! I’m going to look at your schedule though and see if you are anywhere that I know someone who will go stand in line for me – and there will be HUGE lineups, of that I am positive! You will have no time to tweet, no time at all!! xo

  210. I had a total meltdown about 10 days ago, Jen. The only thing that prevented me from cutting was thinking of you!!! And this, boobie mushrooms and all, is why! You are AWESOME!!!! You can come back from being fucked up and be brilliantly hilarious. So, I gotta at least be able to get through my day, even if just to read these posts and BUY YOUR BOOK!!! Can’t wait!

  212. Oh oh oh! Can you post pics here? How do you do it? Because I bought a scratcher lotto bingo card the other day and it SPOKE TO ME! There was a clear message on it: GOIN BOOB. Clearly this was a sign from God that you were about to repost this blog. He was telling me to refresh your page!!

  214. The boob mushroom is awesome but I am way more excited by the book that just got delivered!

  215. Jenny…I don’t want to compare myself with you because I’m nowhere near as funny or talented. But I can’t put your book down and when I read your description about trying to deal with people socially – I am so there. I just find a corner to hide in. My husband does enough talking that I can usually get away with it.

    Maybe next time he drags me to some social event I will go without underwear, just for funsies.

  216. I have taken pictures of the same kind of mushroom, only they were growing in a yard in Studio City, CA. I don’t mean to brag, but, they were a pair and they were perfect….

  218. That mushroom would totally rock with a glittered nipple pasty with a tassel. Actually I’m seeing a whole lawn burlesque scene around this mushroom with Juanita acting all shocked, is that wrong?

    Oh and my friends bought me your book for my birthday!!! I CAN’T WAIT!

  219. It totally wanted to go to your book signing but I couldn’t :(. I hope there were lots of people there supporting you. My book is due in the mail on Friday and *singsong voice* I can’t waaaaaaaaitttttttttt

  220. Apropos of nothing, this one time my husband and I were playing Scrabble & he made his (word) “wang” intersecting my (word) “poontang.”

    Also, as your attorney I advise you to be preserved Eva Peron-style when you die, it just kinda goes with your whole taxidermy vibe you’ve got in life. Just a suggestion…

  221. FYI…my lastest email from the Oprah book club has your book listed on the newsletter. Just sayin…

  222. Received your book yesterday and I’m already three chapters in! Laughed so hard my stomach hurt!

  224. Okay, so I totally think we are long lost sisters. You are so funny and everything you say is stuff I think. I am ROLLING on the floor laughing from your blog, at work mind you. I would totally get in trouble if caught reading this while at work but honestly, it’s so good it would be work the write up. You are beyond funny and witty. I bow to you mame.

  225. Hooray! Super excited that the audio version was available on Audible. Ordered and downloaded last night!

  226. I bought the book yesterday and I cant put it down! I haven’t laughed out loud at a book in a LONG time! So funny! Also it is the first full priced book I have bought on my nook so you should totally feel honored because I am cheap ass!!
    Thanks for sharing your stories!

    Jen

  227. It’s a by-God-miracle! I want that kind of miracle. I’ve had enough of rainbows and ominous thunder and near-misses-of-car-accidents. Foreboding weather is way overdone, God.

  229. I like wet t-shirt mushroom idea. Can you preserve mushrooms forever? Maybe start a dried boobie mushroom collection. Ooh, then you could sell it to Playboy! Money!

    Book purchased. Can’t wait, I get it tomorrow from amazon. Overnight shipping, yes I paid more for shipping than I did for the book. It was that or get off my ass and go to the bookstore. The shipping price was worth it.

  230. I bought your book last night and am howling…I cant wait to get home from work and continue reading!

  231. Are you going to post the Fruit Test as one of your favorite posts? Because that is maybe my all-time favorite post, and the one that made me a devoted follower. But I can’t find it any more! It’s not available on the search! Help help! Bring back the Fruit Test!

  232. Do you realize that you are in New York with THE DOCTOR? Right now? Filming? And sunning himself on rocks in Central Park and having picnics (There are pictures. Truly.) with Amy and Rory (which is probably NOT a good idea because look what happened last time they had a picnic). If you get Matt Smith to hold a spatula we all may die.

    Also, you are totally right to fear the Fairies. Those little buggers are nasty.

  234. Okay, still not seein’ Ontario Canada on that list! There is a Chapters here in Peterborough and I know that the store sold 1/3 of the copies on the shelf, on release day. In all honesty, there were only three copies, but my best ‘boy’ friend bought two copies, for each of us, and I’m telling everyone I know to stage a fight for the last copy.

    This means that you have to come here…if not to bring more copies, then to stage your own fight!

    P.S. I love you.

  235. I will pray for you. Just kidding. I’m not that close to God. We have agreed to see other people. I do hope you do well though, if that counts.

    BTW, if you come to Washington D.C. we could go to the Udvar Hazy Center (Air and Space Museum) to see the latest shuttle Discovery. -Yes Udvar Hazy is a real place! I know I laugh too every time I say it. He’s Hungarian, but you know you have to say it in a German accent.

    Also, we can throw ourselves down the steps in Georgetown (end of M street – damn my friendliness,now you don’t need me) where they filmed the Exorcist and hope we don’t die.

    Good luck. Break a leg.

  236. OMG there it was, right there at the very front of my bookstore!!! Not the boobie, of course — your book! Mine better be waiting for me at home or I’m going to PO’d about pre-ordering.

    Oh, no I’m not, because that helped your figures or something, unlike leaving your boobie on the lawn, which can’t do anything good for your figure.

    I have to leave work and see if your book arrived yet.

  237. Hm. I have to go dig around in the stream that’s the next town over. There are rocks there that have interesting sedimentary formations-they look like boobies & the “nipple” part protrudes & is a different color than the rest of the rock. I’ll have to bug you for your shipping address when I find one.
    I’ve got your book in my nook color, and may be a slacker the last 1/2 hour here at work & read some.

  238. LOVE this post.

    My copy of your book arrived in my mailbox yesterday! I proudly adhered my signed bookplate that arrived last week, and I will read it after I finish my library book.

    I know, you’re doubting my commitment to SparkleMotion.

    I’m almost done with my library book, and I’m weird like that.

  239. Okay, that post has lost none of it’s magic since the first time that I read it so thank you for choosing that one…my next favorite (ie make me laugh like a lunatic) is Knock Knock Motherfucker, should you be so inclined….anyhoo, New York is the closest stop to me and if my kid hadn’t sabotaged my daydreams about taking a daytrip to meet you with a week long flu bug I would totally be there right now. having you sign my stomach prolly, cos there’s plenty of room for your whole name where as on my boobs, not so much….have the best book tour ever, and huge congratulations, can’t wait for Amazon to quit pokin around and deliver my damn book already!

  240. of course your first thought was that a killer had left a tit-top on the floor… I mean, who wouldn’t think that first.

    Kudos for seeing the full potential of that mushroom.

    sorry to have missed you in NY yesterday. came down with a zombie something. It was like my brains were coming out of my nose so i figure it’s zombie related. offer for coffee still up if you are around, since you are so fond of hanging out with strangers. Also got your signature for my book and a message from amazon that it’s on it’s way. so the world is back in order and it would appear there is no zombie apocalypse which unfortunately means I’ll have to go back to work tomorrow, even if I have no brains left.

    thanks a lot

  241. I got your book and have almost finished it! Slow going…. I keep laughing, then my husband wants to know what was so funny, so I have to go back and read it to him. So, I’m actually going to have it read twice by the time I get done. Once in my head, and once out loud for my husband because I refuse to put the book down long enough for him to read it for himself because I know I’ll never get it back if he starts reading it.

  244. That is one great mushroom.
    Boobroom
    mushboob
    Breastroom – could be confused with a restroom – that would be bad
    Mushbreast – now that sounds really like a new dish to eat with chicken and mashed taters

    I downloaded the audio and e-book from iTunes last night. Jenny – I was laughing so hard in the David Copperfield chapter – I can’t listen to it and drive to work. So I must now get a personal driver to bring me to work. Or skip work – and just stay home and listen. That sounds better.

    OH! My husband knew exactly where WALL Texas is located too without GOOGLE. I was impressed! 2 years stationed in San Angelo served him well.

    Come to Fort Worth on a book tour soon…. My living room is available….. I’ll even cook some mushbreast if you feel so inclined. 😉 Or – visit one of the great book stores if you must….

    Stay you because well, no one else can be……

  246. I was excited about you coming to Dallas, so I went to the details and I found out it’s actually in Fairview. I understand this might be considered DFW, but I’ve lived here for 10 years and have never been to Fairview. I hope my GPS doesn’t get me lost again.

  247. Yesterday I was very crabby because I had to go to the Mall of America (there is zero novelty to it when you live 10 minutes away). I walked in a book store to get my niece part of her bday present and saw your book on a table. It cheers me up instantly to know Let’s Pretent This Never Happened would be on my kindle when I got home! It did not dissapoint, I laughed on the first page. Thanks for the book and awesome book plate! Good luck on your tour.

    Also, the mushroom is a delightful combination of awesomesauce and terror.

  248. I am SO jealous I didn’t see this. Great post and congrats on your book:) I am looking forward to reading more of your writing.

  251. You never know when God will give you just the thing you needed. Kind of like the time I was cuddling my cute 2 year old, who had climbed on my lap to say “I love you,” and God made him pee on my lap. Because I obviously needed to be shaken back into reality.

  252. So I just finished reading your book (and forcing two other people to BUY IT IMMEDIATELY) and if I wasn’t already jealous enough that MY father wasn’t a taxidermist who woke me up in the middle of the night to show me road kill squirrel puppets, now I found out that God loves you more than me because I never get boob mushrooms in my yard. In fact, I don’t even have a yard for boob mushrooms to grow in. So, that’s great.

  253. Knock Knock Motherfucker, guess what? Your book’s here.
    ZOMG MY BOOK CAME! I LOVE the inside covers. So excited I’m feeling palpitational. SQUEEEEE!!!!

  254. Just ordered my book! Woot! Hope you find lots of mushroom boobies here in NY. (Though be careful – they just *may* be body parts if you find them here..)

  255. Just got the book!!!! SO excited!!!!! brilliant job Jen!!!! SO good …..now if only Nathan Fillion would hold some twine in his Castle show all would be wonderful in the world!!!! tee hee…nice job in capturing the boob mushroom!!!! smooches caitie xoxox

  256. Holy carp, that thing’s bigger than mine! No fair, Mother Nature. What a bitch, giving fungi bigger bobbies than certain deserving women like me. Jerk.

    I used to have mushrooms in my yard; I would mow around them because I didn’t want the fairies to kill me in my sleep. Fairy rings are awesome. And terrifying.

    I think it’s okay to take out individual ‘shrooms; it’s when they gather in a circle that you have to be careful. And don’t step inside the ring, that’s how They get you.

  257. BAM! Just like that, bought the last book I’ll probably ever read because nothing else will ever be able to compete in awesomeness. Excited and yet sad all at the same time. It’s like I’ve reached my peak.

  258. I got your book today in the mail from my pre-order, and I got my pre-signed, handcramped signed bookplate!

    Yay!

    I will be reading it nonstop for the next 24 hours when I should be doing other things. Thanks!

  259. Husband just came in and said, “A mushroom that looks like a boob. Weird.”, then left.
    Most random moment of a day that included my teen saying, “Eww, I don’t like him, I like the other ginger boy down the street.”

    So, congrats.

  260. Wow, how life-like. It’s amazing what nature can do these days.
    That aside, it’s posts like this that remind me to humble myself. When I have trouble dreaming up things to post about, I remember posts like this and think to myself, ‘Well, Jenny posted about a fucking mushroom. Surely I can come up with something almost as cool as that.’
    And then I feel better about life in general. So thanks.
    The End.

  261. You completely need to find a way to grow these mushrooms. Can you imagine the market if they turn out to be EDIBLE???????

  262. Okay, Really, nobody called me a stupid ass for neglecting to see it was a post from 2009? You are just going to let me get away with that?!?!

  263. This is funny. I am wondering if you cuss this much out loud or if it is usually just in your head. I would like to cuss as much as you but being around my kiddos usually prevents me from saying much more than “balls!”

  264. I got your book from Amazon today and shockingly, I can completely relate. I fell out of the car when I was three and hung onto the door handle because my mother wouldn’t stop the car. We were, after all, only halfway up our gravel driveway. My father used to make us clean his animals at the kitchen table. While I have never had a deer sweater, I have witnessed the poop rope many, many times. You might not even believe this, but my father also brought home a baby raccoon. I’m dead serious. It also had to go to the farm when it got big and violent.

  267. I been in New York and my family got fun from it, this is the perfect place for a great fun and amazing activities…

  268. I am confident that something more bizarre will happen to you in ohhh….the next 48 hours and you will be back to blogging about some crazy shit that happened to you.

  269. so i totally freaking didn’t realize your book was out. like, what’s wrong with me? but my husband is awesome, and went to the bookstore today to surprise me with a copy of it (seriously? bonus points for him). but they were OUT!!! no more copies!! which is good for you, but totally shizzy for me. i asked him if he questioned an employee if they had any more copies of the little gray books with the dead mouse on them. he said he didn’t go that far. still, man did good.

    i will be ordering my copy on amazon today! i would buy the kindle version, but i want to have the real thing to display on my coffe table. <3's to you! good luck with your book tour! if you decide to come to atlanta, i will totally buy you booze and cupcakes.

  270. New York is a perfect place for a great fun and adventure, my mother-in-law has their own house in that lovely place, that’s why every vacation we been there and spent our moment with them…

  271. Thanks so much for posting this. This is the first I’ve ever read of yours, and I was laughing out loud at it and some of the comments. Brilliant!! Keep up the good work, we all need more laughs in this life!!!

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I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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